honestly I think this is messed up and wack as hell. I don’t support baby kangaroos in pajamas.
just a baby kangaroo in pajamas… carry on 🙂 pic.twitter.com/mNNQM0RXYB
— Baby Animals (@BBAnimals) May 15, 2014
***
Readers will kindly remember that Taye Diggs’ real name is Scott Diggs, which changes everything.
SCOTT DIGGS is not a multitalented Broadway and film performer; Scott Diggs has bumper sticker cutouts of all his family members on the back of his car.
***
“Normally, we don’t go into upfront news stuff, but we wanted to bring your attention to Fresh Off The Boat, one of ABC’s midseason replacements that this writer hopes gets turned into an All Seasons Smash. Why? It’s the first sitcom in nearly two decades that focuses on an Asian-American family, and it looks hilarious. (Even if you’re not Asian! This author polled three white people in the office and they thought it was funny! Nguyen focus groups are very reliable.)
Based on the memoir of chef Eddie Huang,Fresh Off The Boat is set in the 1990′s (as “I Saw the Sign”) quickly establishes), and focuses on an Asian family who moves to very Caucasian Orlando to run a cowboy-themed steakhouse.”
I will watch anything that is set in a steakhouse. This pleases me. Also, this made me look up Sullivan & Son, and I was pleasantly surprised to learn it has not yet been cancelled.
***
God, I don’t know; talk about it if you must but don’t ask me to get involved.
***
I saw Neighbors again last night.
***
If you are interested in ongoing conversations about diversity in Canadian publishing (and it would frankly amaze me if you were not), consider following @Leonicka. She’s talking a lot about design and book covers at the moment and it is terrific.
Book covers act as a code almost: a signal to the reader as to what to expect. It’s interesting to see how rigid the code is. #DiverseCanLit
— Léonicka (@leonicka) May 15, 2014
***
It’s so hot out today. I just took a shower to cool down, but I don’t have a shower so much as I have a water cubicle (it’s a very old building; I don’t have any windows to the outside world, just windows into a hallway and it’s very depressing) and I couldn’t get the water very cool, so I don’t think it helped much. Let us remember that the Simpsons have a clip appropriate for all emotions.
Cayman Islands Bank Manager: [chuckles] I’m sorry, I can’t disclose any information about that customer’s secret, illegal account.
[hangs up]
Oh, crap. I shouldn’t have said he was a customer… Oh, crap. I shouldn’t have said it was a secret… Oh, crap! I certainly shouldn’t have said it was illegal!
[sits back, fanning himself]
Ah, it’s too hot today.
***
I’ll admit it. I bought the damn shoes. Wore ‘em too, motherfuckers. Not to the store, obviously. Still, though.
***
***
That is some truly big sperm:
“They are astoundingly large. The coiled, now-petrified sperm are hard to measure, but based on the proportions of similar species alive today, the scientists estimate these sperm may be 1.3 millimeters long, slightly longer than the creatures themselves.”
***
Nicole already read the new Zodiac Killer book; she thinks he did it.
***
SCOTT DIGGS
I MEAN HONESTLY
Tags: link roundup, the internet
Pretty pleased that my rabid, irrational hatred of FiveFinger shoes has been vindicated; holding out hope for the discovery that jogging in polo shirts and dress socks causes, I dunno, scoliosis or something.
who DOES that
DADS
(Lord, not my dad, but it sounds like Dad behavior.)
edit: SCOTT DIGGS, THAT’S WHO.
The same people who go to the gym and workout in motherfucking jeans
That’s me. Buying special Workout Pants is the first step on the slippery slope to becoming one of those people who in bikes in circles around the neighborhood in a neoprene body stocking festooned with a billion logos from companies who will never sponsor them.
I wanted to dislike you based bad experiences with the subject of your user name, but your comments have been so consistently delightful that I must reconsider my prejudices.
Ugh. THOSE PEOPLE.
And work boots! Full on construction site steel toed work boots!
…she says, as she pairs sneakers with a sheath dress to go for a lunchtime walk.
And a baseball hat.
MONSTERS
I really don’t jog enough to justify paying money for “workout clothes” though
I always thought they were a bit ridiculous, but my feelings turned to rabid, irrational hatred once this annoying as fuck gunner in a couple of my law school classes began wearing them every day, to school, often with a kilt. He had hair nearly down to his ass, to complete the picture.
Oh god, that is everything that is horrific about law school summed up in a single paragraph.
Was he also a singer-songwriter who wrote Irish-style drinking songs about Star Wars and his cats? If not, I guess there are at least two of them out there.
I mean, it wouldn’t surprise me! I fear there are probably many of them though.
Please say he recorded said songs and put them on youtube or somesuch?
You just physically assaulted me with that image.
There is nothing irrational about hating these creepy-ass toe-shoes. I am undecided about whether they’re worse than the ones that make the wearer look like they have cloven hooves.
The hoof ones are sort of tolerable; people getting up in fashion that evil is unforgivable but on the Devil he’s just doing his job.
Obligatory:
Oh man that’s perfect.
My mom was just telling me that she was interviewing candidates for an IT position at the electric co-op of which she is a VP. One of the dudes came in to the interview wearing, among other oddities, vibrams. She hired him anyway, because he was the only candidate who was both qualified and actually looked at the person he was talking to (as opposed to the floor or whatever). But, still. Toe shoes to a job interview!
Well I hope that after she hired him she mentioned that the shoes could have held him back! For the good of humanity, you know.
Ah, IT, how I love your quirky ways.
There was a great Atlantic article that covered the IT guys who ran Obama’s campaign while the Romney campaign ran around with abacuses. About the top guy, Harper Reed:
“…He’s what a king of the nerds really looks like. Sure, he might grow a beard and put on a little potbelly, but he wouldn’t tuck in his t-shirt. He is not that kind of nerd. Instead, he’s got plugs in his ears and a shock of gloriously product-mussed hair and hipster glasses and he doesn’t own a long-sleeve dress shirt, in case you were wondering.
“…Reed, for his part, has the kind of self-awareness that faces outward. His self-announced flaws bristle like quills. ‘I always look like a fucking idiot,’ Reed told me. ‘And if you look like an asshole, you have to be really good.'”
Haha, that’s perfect. This dude also had long hair, a long chin-beard and wore a large medallion and all black clothes, and the job’s primarily in rural Ohio. He’s apparently really good, though!
Oh, IT. I’m pretty sure I was hired for my current job because I’m the only applicant who had people skills.
If IT jobs are going to start requiring people skills, I’m in trouble.
I once read that Army snipers are no longer chosen based on who’s the best shot, but who is mentally resilient enough to handle that sort of personal violence. Maybe we need to start adopting that policy about IT people.
Toe socks to an interview – BOLD choice! I once interviewed a guy who wore a Hawaiian shirt and a swimsuit. Those crazy IT guys
My roommate is Hawaiian and told me that on the islands, wearing a Hawaiian shirt to an interview (as long as it wasn’t crazy bright/floral) would be reasonable and I just… could not believe him.
“His nickname, Taye, comes from the playful pronunciation of Scotty as “Scottay”.”
D:
You know, I was trying to imagine how he came up with Taye. Like, it just sounds right for him, you know? And new. Like it’s only his. Rolls off the tongue, too. Like a playful, sexy “Haaayyyy” but with a T. And now, it’s just a derivation of Scott, kind of inexplicably. I don’t know. I’m having all sorts of confusing feels about this.
I’m adding an ‘ay’ to the end of everyone’s names now. I’m henceforth Mellay. You are Oakkay. Eventually we will be known as “Lay” and “Kay.” It will be our very own dystopian future.
I have seen the future, and it is Bittersweetay.
I honestly can’t tell if I love this or hate this, but it’s certainly a very strong feeling. Love only because he actually went there, not because it’s, uh, great.
The problem with the kangaroo is that definitely looks like a Morning After photo.
I’m not sure it’s that kangaroo so much as all kangaroos. To wit:
Guys, I just remembered that when I was on my college newspaper, someone in the office found a video of a kangaroo masturbating and we all stood around their computer, absolutely fascinated. IT IS ALL KANGAROOS.
KANGAROOS ALL THE WAY DOWN
Ladies.
Kangaroos are like the Channing Tatum of the animal world: giant, muscular bodies topped with cute little baby faces. Freaks me out.
HOP OF SHAME.
Brunch is garbage. But so are most breakfasts*. Pizza for breakfast is the only way.
*Exceptions for things slathered in REAL maple syrup.
The only reason I like brunch is that it means I can get actual breakfast food later in the day than it’s normally served. For me, brunch is just breakfast but you don’t have to get up early for it.
+ booze
booze
No, no, no, breakfast is great!! I sometimes have trouble getting to sleep at night because I’m so excited to eat breakfast the next morning. Tonight I’m having breakfast for dinner (cottage cheese pancakes with strawberry-rhubarb compote) and it’s going to be amazing.
Real maple syrup DOES improve everything it touches, though.
Ok, well if that was the kind of breakfast I had everyday I’d be excited too.
Tell me more about these cottage cheese pancakes…
Here’s the recipe I’m using for the pancakes (scroll down past the part about the kidneys). The compote is pretty much just strawberries and rhubarb cooked down with as little sugar as I can stand. Maybe some ground ginger, too.
Are you Leslie Knope??
Knope! (sorry, couldn’t help myself)
Petition to replace all brunch with diners that serve breakfast 24 hours
but will they have booze?
I think 24-hour diner protocol is to show up already drunk.
Does anyone drink alcohol at diners? They always have those fancy cocktail lists, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a single person order one.
I ordered a beer in one once, but I felt super gross about it after. It was just…wrong.
FIGHTIN’ WORDS
Brunch is the only time my favorite restaurant serves this cocktail called the Bardstown Bellini, which is the greatest thing in the universe. Also, most of the restaurants in my town serve lunch food and breakfast food at brunch, so there’s really no losing.
Team brunch!
Louisville? That is a serious brunch town.
Yes! We brunch hard.
Wild Eggs in Louisville is my absolute favorite brunch place, I go whenever I’m home. Kalamity Kate’s border benedict 4ever.
What else but brunch would have allowed me to go on a year-long, haphazardly planned, Bloody Mary tour of the Greater Boston area?
BUT BUT BUT OMELETTES
ARE THE WORST.
you MONSTER
Yep, pretty much. I do like bagels though!
OMELETTES WITH HASHBROWNS INSIDE THEM
YOU KNOW WHAT’S UP.
Brunch is only good in that I can get a sandwich or something while everyone else eats their garbage breakfast foods* and it’s socially acceptable to drink before noon. I would have been drinking before noon anyways, but at brunch I can do it without so much judgement.
*I worked my way through high school as a short order breakfast cook and while I make the best french toast and can whip up a mean hollandaise, I think I have some sort of PTSD about eating most of it.
I want desperately to watch Fresh Off The Boat AS SOON AS it comes out. I feel very strongly about this in my little half-Asian-grewupinTheSouth heart.
Also, big sperm find is awesome! Shrimps, too, huh. Who knew.
The only thing I laughed at was the Boston joke. I would give the show a shot, though. Also the memoir.
The Boston shout out was pretty great. Mostly I just really enjoyed it for something that was finally coming from this perspective, instead of looking at it. I mean I know stand up comics have addressed this but aside from that I haven’t seen much of it on TV…. but then again I’m not sure if the show will actually be funny! I hope so.
also I found the “I NEED white people lunch!” line hilarious.
The best thing about that line is that you know those assholes are probably falling all over themselves to go to dim sum or Bao Haus or Momofuku now.
I never tried bring viet food to school because I felt like the food needed to be warm in order to be eaten properly, and that wasn’t really an option. Cold turkey sandwiches it is!
UGH I know right. I don’t recall bringing anything too offensive to school because my mom didn’t cook Chinese food, but I did bring weird fruits (like mango??) and was therefore sometimes called out for food weirdness (though not as bad as my friend who actually brought Chinese food).
I still have flashbacks to my mom insisting on bringing break’n’bake biscuits with red bean paste inside them for a few birthdays, and the resulting “EWWWWWW” fit when you explain what is actually that sweet stuff inside the biscuit. Looking back, it’s funny in a “fuck y’all this shit is delicious” kind of way.
it looks like a real nguyen-ner
I don’t know about for anyone else, but the best part of that Abramson article for me is the ad in the top right corner. It is for CIT and is entitled “Growmentum”, underneath which is a handy pronunciation guide “groh-men-tum” [inorite? thank god they bailed me out there because I really had no idea which way that was going to go!], followed by a definition: “Strong momentum generated by lending, leasing and advisory services from CIT.”
I don’t think the NYT has much growmentum right now.
On the other hand, it does have a surfeit of bromentum.
I totally read that as ‘brotemtium’ – the juiceboxiest element of them all!
You’re out your damn mind. Brunch is a time of peace and harmony, a time when eaters of burgers and eaters of waffles come together without squabbles, a time of ease and sleep-in-itude, a time of contemplative joy and rest. Brunch is when you can have eggs Benedict but you don’t have to have eggs Benedict.
But the people who use brunch as a free pass to drink alcohol with breakfast? Fuck ’em. You want a drink with breakfast, have a drink with breakfast and shoulder the physical and social consequences. Don’t toy and wink about how you have to have a bloody Mary or a mimosa at brunch; brunch doesn’t impose rules upon you. Brunch is kinder than that. Brunch wants you to be happy.
I enjoy brunch foods and whatnot, but my issue lies in losing an entire meal opportunity. I enjoy eating as often as possible– why would I want to consolidate?
“Brunch” as breakfast, however– as long as there will be lunch later– is delightful.
On the flip side are people who can’t stomach the prospect of getting up in the morning and going straight out to breakfast. I have two states in the morning: frantic for food or flipflopping nausea. Brunch gives me time either to have a bite of toast and tea at home or to let my stomach cool down and get its balance. (My mother thinks we’re meeting for “lunch” at 11:30. Lady, that is brunch and you know it.)
So yes, have a bit of breakfast, then brunch, then a little lunch if that’s what works for your body. And not if it isn’t.
I cannot sign on to a rigid three-meals philosophy. Breakfast, elevenses, a little something, lunch, snack, an afternoon nibble, a nosh to keep us from getting cranky before dinner, dinner, supper, an evening something, dessert, midnight snack: I AM LARGE I CONTAIN MULTITUDES. (ahahahaha yswidt)
This is doubly true since a stomach ailment forced me to stop eating a full meal at a sitting; I am much, much happier if I eat anything from a few bites to a half-meal every two or three hours.
And by “half-meal,” I refer not to a half-size of the enormous restaurant portions offered in so many places, but to half the amount of food a home cook might put on a plate. These are my plating instructions to my husband since I was stricken, coming up on 10 months ago: “Just picture how much food you want and put half that much.”
Same. I don’t leave the house until I’ve eaten, EVER. Breakfast isn’t just the most important meal of the day, it’s the most urgent.
And lately I’ve been doing lots of little meals too. I don’t think it’s an actual ailment, I just feel a little nauseous and uncomfortable if I eat a whole plate of something. Is that something you talked to a doctor about?
Without getting too specific: yeah, for me it’s a way to coddle a particular minor medical ailment, not a personal preference. (And believe me, if you had it, you’d know something was wrong.)
But of course it’s just as valid for you whether it’s a personal preference or a medical issue! Our dietary wishes rank high on the list of things we shouldn’t have to excuse or validate to others.
Brunch is an important cultural construct for my people. Why do you hate diversity Mallory?
BECAUSE FUCK BRUNCH
hey guys i have a secret to tell you
it’s the same as brunch, but cheaper and earlier
IT’S BREAKFAST
they don’t sometimes serve fried chicken at BREAKFAST.
They do in Texas.
You say “earlier” like it’s a good thing. The point of brunch is you can sleep in forever and not miss breakfast.
OR you get up super early like normal (if you’re me), have tea and toast and then have brunch as second breakfast. That way you get brunch but you’re not hangry and you get to irritate all your friends with how awake and perky you are 😀
It’s funny but I’m exactly the opposite. I can’t even think about eating until I’ve been awake a few hours, so even on a work day I usually eat breakfast when everyone else is having their mid-morning coffee. My natural rhythm is two meals a day: brunch and an early dinner.
You and I are the same. Possibly also a late-night snack?
Nah, brunch means a whole extra meal in between lunch and breakfast! At least, that’s the way I do it 🙂
You. I like you.
Had a brunch wedding. It was glorious. There were eggs benedict AND alcohol AND baked brie AND prime rib.
Also had a brunch wedding! Ours was of the omelet/French toast/mini-taco/gelato bar persuasion. But NOBODY DRANK. We put down a 50% deposit on the alcohol; the liquor store even had to pay us some of that back (they had a great return policy). It was baffling.
People didn’t drink much at ours, either! We overpaid and got paid back for bar as well–there were free mimosas and table wine, though, so the open bar was not as well-traveled. But we had eggs benedict, scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, potatoes, prime rib, poached salmon, baked brie, and about ten million pickled items/salads/chutneys/etc. AND our three cakes AND a table full of other assorted dessert bites. Amazing. Everyone had at least two plates.
This sounds glorious.
It SOUNDS glorious! I tried to sell The Fella on a brunch wedding: get married at the courthouse with just our best man & best woman, and sure I guess our parents okay, then walk down the street to a great brunch place where we could rent a room large enough to hold our big families. It sounded like the perfect balance to me: elegant and self-contained, lavish but affordable, a little posh but so very simple.
He nixed it in favor of a big party, and I can admit that I’m glad, but I still think a brunch wedding sounds dreamy.
Oh, our venue was great, so we were able to have a nice outdoor ceremony with no wedding party, then go inside for huge quantities of brunch food, and then everyone sat around socializing for three hours while drinking and eating. (Our courthouse wedding was months ago. After that one we went to Tim Horton’s, as befits Canadians.)
WEDDING DOUGHNUTS.
I didn’t know until just now that one could die of pleasure from reading an internet comment.
*applause*
Brunch is perfect and sacred and I will hear nothing from the naysayers.
You are my kind of people! Mmmmm brunch.
And, because I think we need to add in a Simpsons quote to this brunch thread:
“not quite breakfast, not quite lunch, but you get a slice of cantaloupe at the end”
I read the Zodiac book too, AMA.
did he do it?!
There’s a lot of circumstantial evidence to suggest that he was involved. Stewart can place him in the area of several of the murders, the mugshot similarity to the police sketch, his father and the killer’s shared love of Anton LaVey, codes and the Mikado. But the most compelling evidence is that his dad’s name appears in at least two of the ciphers, one of which the Zodiac outright told the press contained his name. That alone, seems like compelling proof that would at least demand a genetic test of Stewart to see if there is a match between his and the killer’s DNA markers. But there’s no undeniable proof yet, just a lot of coincidences that would demand a DNA comparison.
Years ago, the now late California magazine had a reporter who thought that he had found the Zodiac killer and then weird things happened to the reporter. Is it the same guy? (the killer, not the reporter)
No. This guy is a business exec from Louisiana who went on a search for his birth parents. He found his mother and also tracked down his then deceased father who was a pedophile who kidnapped his mother in the early 60’s. The father married the mother and then took her to Mexico and impregnated her. She was 14 at the time and he was in his early thirties. They came back to the States and were promptly arrested in San Francisco. Paul Avery, a reporter who the Zodiac was obsessed with and wrote letters to, covered the story for his newspaper and portrayed the father for the statutory rapist creep he was. One of the Zodiac’s letters to press about Avery was on the 7 year anniversary of Avery’s story about the kidnapping and subsequent illegal marriage.
Good lord, that poor guy. Not to mention his poor mother.
The Mom has blocked a lot of memories from that time (for obvious reasons) and is a very sweet lady. She ultimately ended up marrying an African American homicide detective for the SFPD. That MAY be why the Zodiac started taunting the SFPD in his letters and why the SFPD would not do the genetic testing when Stewart (the author) requested one after showing them his evidence. The author is a very empathetic man who really just seems concerned with trying to determine who his biological dad really was.
WOW.
Italians have a lot of rules, and not just about food. From my grandmother’s Rule Book: no running after dark (the night air will kill you), no shaving after eating ( no idea why) no ricotta in lasagna (true lasagna has a bechamel) no cheese with fish, no milk in the afternoon (bad for digestion) no snacks between meals, meals must be at the same time every day. I always feel very guilty when I walk after dark (the miasmata will get me!)
No leaving the house with wet hair or you will surely get pneumonia and die!
Oh, hey Mom, didn’t know you read here.
Do the Italians also believe, as the Germans do, that if your kidneys get cold, you will die? At first I thought this was a thing mothers said to keep their daughters from wearing crop tops, but then I saw coats with extra padding around the kidney area (!!)
They are fanatic about cold. For example, babies must ALWAYS have hats and socks on, no matter the temperature, ears must always be covered in the cold, as cold ears will kill you, sleeping without a blanket will kill you, sleeping with the window open will kill you…AIR WILL KILL YOU
The cat will also kill you, incidentally. And the baby.
*edit: I mean the cat will kill the baby and probably also you, not that the baby will kill you. Maybe.
Remember the cause of all human misery and suffering are drafts. Drafts will kill you and everything you love.
SPEAKING OF ITALIANS AND THEIR PETS, I studied abroad in Italy in college and my host family had a truffle-hunting black lab named Prugna (“Plum”). It was the weirdest/most charming thing.
Wait wait wait. Lasagna with bechamel instead of ricotta sounds amazing. Why did I not know about this? Do you have a recipe?
Of course I have a recipe. Every Christmas Eve we have three different lasagne, as well as a zillion other things.
Here is a recipe for one of them that I wrote down for my daughter because she wanted to make for some vegetarian friends.
Butternut Squash Lasagna
The squash part:
two tablespoons olive oil
two 1 pound bags cut up butternut squash or 1 3 pound cut up squash, peeled deseeded etc
salt
freshly ground pepper
few grates nutmeg
1 cup vegetable broth, water or white wine and water (I normally use ¼ cup white wine and ¾ cup water)
½ cup mascarpone cheese or cream cheese – set this out to get soft
Sauté the squash in the olive oil, add salt pepper nutmeg etc, add broth and cook until soft. Mash the squash, blend in the cream cheese. Set this aside while you make the sauce
Béchamel:
8 tablespoons (I stick) butter
8 tablespoons flour
4 cups milk
½ cup cream or half and half
1 or 2 teaspoons Dijon mustard (this is what makes this so good) ( I taste and add the mustard by little bits until it tastes right) If making a tomato sauce lasagna, leave out the mustard)
salt pepper – dash of nutmeg again
I also add white wine to this as well a few tablespoons at a time
Make the béchamel -melt the butter, sprinkle in the flour, whisking so you have no lumps. Cook until very pale gold (you don’t want raw flour taste) Add the hot milk gradually, whisking the whole time. It is easier if the milk is hot and make sure you add gradually to the flour butter roux, whisking the whole time
1 pound no boil lasagna
2 cups shredded mozzarella
1 to 1½ cups parmesan, grated – I used my microplane
Layer in 9″x13″ deep casserole, starting with a thin layer of bechamel, a layer of noodles, a layer of squash, then cheeses, then bechamel again, ending with cheese ( I keep a small bowl of cheese aside so I know I’ll have some for the top.
Cover with foil . Either store in the fridge for up to two days, or bake immediately at 350 for 40 minutes, then take the foil off and bake for about 15 minutes. Let sit for a few minutes to set.
If baking after refrigerating, let it warm up for half an hour before baking
That sounds amazing. So very saved.
So excited.
Oh my god I am 100% making this next week.
It’s the classic way to make lasagne bolognese, which is amazing with Marcella Hazan’s bolognese sauce. Smitten Kitchen has a couple recipes: mushroom, bolognese.
I had no idea the bechamel on lasagna was legit! That’s how the (premade) ones come here and I just assumed it was the Dutch being the Dutch. It’s awesome.
I’m surprised people are surprised by it! I’m in the UK and I always just thought white sauce/bechamel was what you put in lasagne – things like ricotta are just for if you can’t be arsed to do the extra work.
Mallory, are you saying that your ENTIRE APARTMENT has no windows to the outside world? Is that…is that legal, where you are?
It’s not legal here due to fire safety regulations. Maybe we should buy more tee shirts or do a kickstarter so Mallory can have a Real Window?
A room cannot actually be classified as a “bedroom” here if it doesn’t have a window. Team #RealWindowForMallory, huddle up!
On a bedroom, no. On a witch-cave, yes.
I also don’t understand the connection between “old building” and “no windows.”
SAME. I work with old buildings, those things are ALL ABOUT windows.
You’re probably reading “old building” as something mildly out-of-fashion from the early 1900s, maybe colonial at most. This is one of the Old Buildings, the ageless slabs built in forgotten eons by things that had no need for light.
Gotcha gotcha gotcha
In her apartment in R’lyeh, dread Mallory waits dreaming
I assume the connection is that the building wasn’t planned with no windows, but renovations have changed things. Possibly the hallway was added in front of a window that once looked on the outside world. Possibly Mallory’s room is half of a bigger room that was divided, and the window to the outside world was in the other half. Possibly eldritch forces have twisted the windows around to hide the abominations next to the building. You know, that sort of thing.
it used to be a movie theater! which is cool but NOT SO WINDOW-y
So is this a Scooby-Doo villain sort of living in an abandoned windowless movie theater situation, or clown serial killer sort of living in an abandoned windowless movie theater situation? I didn’t think clown killers had internet access, is all.
Point of order: clown serial killer =/= clown killer? (As someone with a fear of clowns, I’m really enjoying the idea of Mallory being a clown killer, hunting them down and taking their movie theater lairs.)
Clown killer sounds like someone who kills clowns. I think it has to be a killer clown for clarity.
I was thinking of syntax like “axe murder” when I wrote it but am willing to keep options open.
On both points, come to think, if you’re hunting dudebros who douse themselves in Axe no objections there either.
<3
and that movie theater used to be a cave where male babies were offered up on an altar? Yes yes, we know.
I’ve noticed that Mallory has been posting more about her living space since we all remarked on her rent. If she is trying to make me feel guilty for being jealous of her cheap rent it is working.
Seriously. I’d love to find a place cheap enough that I could live without roommates but I also really, really like natural light.
none whatever
best link in this whole thing: the link at the bottom of the page (ALLLLL the way down at the bottom) – a sponsored ad that promises to let us know “Why Christians have heart attacks”
I haven’t clicked on it yet. I’m just letting my imagination roll…
Yeah, I’m getting new (and kinda gross) “From Around The Web” ads at the bottom of the page, too, including that panic-click one I see all over about “X Signs That Cancer Is Starting In Your Body.” Ew.
I respect that the site deserves to make money through advertising, and I am even happy when I see ads here that more-or-less apply to me. A data point: I will never, ever click that panic-monging garbage.
“The Sexiest Celebrity Butts”
Tim Curry, hands down.
Wait, if the celebrities consent to hands-down butt action, I might have to re-rank my choices.
WE ARE FIXING THAT
REST ASSURED I HATE THE BOTTOM ADS MORE THAN YOU DO
I’m also getting an ad on the main page that looks like an article, but instead of awesome things it’s asking me if I want to go to a baseball game and stay in a Marriott in Florida. Is this a message? Are we having a meeting? Do I need to bring my witch kit? Of course I do, what am I saying. Just tell me when to be there, Mallory.
I would go on a Toast vacation! They have themed cruises for every interest now, so a Toastie trip doesn’t seem so weird.
See, I’m pretty sure the Toast is where I got my fear of cruises. I’d help take over a Marriott though.
Fuck cruises. The internet (esp. The-Toast) has assured me that if I set foot on a cruise ship, I will (a) disappear mysteriously, (b) come down with some horrific ailment, (c) become a cannibal rat, or (d) some combination of all of the above. NOPE NOPE NOPE.
Thank you, Mallory, I don’t mean to kvetch, and goodness knows I would never begrudge you the ad-support. I’m glad to hear these particular ads are going to be replaced by others; let us never speak of them again.
the next ad network coming in is actually gonna be P. COOL
Yeah, they’re definitely gross. Testosterone boosters that look like blisters that were purposely removed to retain their blisteriness away from someone’s body?!? Skinny pills? This is so not Toasty.
Is the “testosterone booster” one a gelatinous blob on someone’s hand? Because if that makes you feel any better, I’m pretty sure that’s a jellyfish.
The worst one for me was on the Billfold for WEEKS and it was some “eat this and get skinny” ad but the picture was some bloated pod-looking thing oozing gelatinous goo out of a protruding orifice. I actually stopped reading the site until the ad went away, it was so gross, and I usually have a very strong stomach.
I just got that one too! That Christian looks upset about something. Maybe that’s why she’s going to have a heart attack. Also, the blister thing (somehow about testosterone) grosses me out. It’s either a blister or a small jellyfish with no tentacles.
It’s totally an itty bitty jellyfish. That “dirt” looking stuff around the edge is the little tentacles (assuming I’m seeing the same one).
I mean, I guess it would have to be because it’s part of God’s plan, right?
worrying too much about “satanists” who are really just punking them.
I went to the page out of morbid curiosity and that is literally what it is. Related note, if you have any brain bleach on hand…
Th’ good lord’s callin’ them home afore the end times.
The Rapture, mostly. It just comes at you all of a sudden.
The “testosterone booster” looks like Ginsburg’s severed nipple.
D:
never scrolling to the bottom of the page again
I can only assume it’s because that’s what they deserve.
People who are letting brunch stand in for two whole meals are DOING IT WRONG. I don’t care what the name says – the only acceptable way to do it is to have a pre-brunch snack (a single egg, a piece of fruit, something light!). This way you don’t get drunk and hangry while you’re waiting for your food to come out.
Brunch is 1.5 meals at most, and a wonderful excuse to drink on a Sunday afternoon.
Also I don’t like to eat anything remotely sweet before like, 1pm, so savory is clearly the way to go.
(I have a lot of feelings about brunch, clearly)
Yes. Diner on the corner brunch is one thing but with fancy brunch getting to brunch and waiting for brunch is a whole process. Try to do that without an initial cup of coffee and piece of toast and you will hate each other before the food arrives.
And then you leisurely eat huge amounts of delicious food, drink four cups of coffee, and then go home and take a nap. Best life.
You, my friend, have it right. Let’s do brunch sometime.
I keep hearing about WAITING for Brunch. You make a RESERVATION for Brunch so there is no waiting, just make it online every Tuesday morning. SHEESH.
Yes, very good. You are also invited to brunch.
celebrate The Brunch Unending
No one takes brunch reservations in Chicago. I have always suspected this is because people sleep in and don’t show up.
I always suspected Chicago of barbarism
One of the best brunches in my life came from Chicago. Without a reservation! Sadly the restaurant is now closed and I mourn it daily.
YESSSSSSS to Italian/French style breakfast! Un caffe + something small & sweet is all I can do when I first wake up/before work.
BUT I also then support a big boozy brunch later – like around noon or after on especially hungover days.
And let’s not forget about breakfast for dinner when particularly vulnerable.
(I, too, have many breakfast/brunch feelings.)
Brunch is always at like 10 or 11 in the morning and I wake up at 7-8 at the LATEST. If someone told me I had to wait until brunch to have anything to eat I’m pretty sure I’d have a hangry rage blackout.
You eat brunch at 10 or 11? Unheard of! That is ACTUAL BREAKFAST. If it ain’t after noon it ain’t brunch. (And that is why you pre-brunch with a bit of toast and coffee.)
MY PEOPLE.
Hangry! Love it. I have been trying to make drungry happen but it has yet to catch on.
I always just call the first thing I eat during the day ‘breakfast’ and sometimes that’s at 6pm and it should probably be called dinner. Unless coffee counts as breakfast?
When it happens earlier “breakfast” is probably more accurately called “leftover dinner”, too
I don’t know what this nonsense is with rolling out of bed in the morning and cooking, sounds like some sort of cult thing. Need a good two-three hours, minimum, to warm up to complex tasks like that.
Coffee counts as whatever you want it to be. It’s generous like that.
Oh man, I just saw that trailer, and:
-complaining about the humidity of Florida when you are coming from the filled-in swampland that is the DMV? what I don’t even, but okay
-asian food market chaos: lolz
-racial pecking order in the cafeteria and the implied “white is better”: I imagine is definitely true to Huang’s experiences but it gives me the biggest sad faces ever
I hope it does well though!
“I don’t support baby kangaroos in pajamas.”
DELETES THE TOAST FROM BOOKMARKS BAR, SETS FIRE TO INTENSEDEBATE ACCOUNT, CURSES THE NAME OF MALLORY ORTBERG FOR ALL ETERNITY
“Brunch is garbage”
ADDS THE TOAST BACK TO BOOKMARKS BAR, SIGNS UP FOR INTENSEDEBATE, SENDS MALLORY A MISANDRIST WAFFLE IRON.
Is a misandrist waffle iron like a regular waffle iron but with a team of subdued men to provide silent, unending waffle service?
I haven’t quite worked that out yet. If I can get the spells right, when used, it will make a tasty waffle while simultaneously branding the words MEN ARE GARBAGE onto the forehead of an MRA a thousand miles away.
Try adding a pinch of paprika to your spell – it always gives me a little signal-boost for long distances.
Take a space witch’s advice: For spells going more than 300 miles, just aim them parabolically out of the atmosphere. Spells travel faster and further in space. You’ll save on components!
kickstarter link to waffle iron project?
Taye Digs lead me down a wikihole, and I can’t get out! I’m currently reading about the castrati, and I don’t even remember how I got there.
Misandry means never having to explain how you got to the Wikipedia page for castrati.
I do own Vibram toe shoes. Not to run in, though. I just really like the feeling of walking barefoot–being able to flex my foot and not have my toes all smooshed together. I also like wearing them while hiking on uneven ground because I can feel what I’m stepping on (and they have good grip). I worry less about turning my ankle, or stepping on unstable rocks that I won’t be able to feel shifting through the thick soles of sneakers or hiking boots.
With that said, I feel extremely ambivilent about their appearance and hate the associations they carry. Doesn’t stop me from wearing them, though.
My diabetic beloved wears Vibrams daily. Don’t like the look, but love how they help his foot health. Plus, he really is a geek, so it’s an honest representation.
I’m a geek, too! I thought they were associated with the type of holier-than-thou person who only eats food with ingredients they can pronounce 😀
I went to school with Leonicka, I KNEW HER BEFORE SHE WAS FAMOUS. (She is lovely, you absolutely should follow her.)
Footies? Whatever. True foot evil is represent by Crocs
Why is the background of that brunch article ORANGE?
My EYES!!!
I think the psychological strain of pretending she can live without brunch caused that poor woman’s brain to explode. What other possible explanation could there be for “there is no leeway for big breakfasts and isn’t a part of their ancient roots and sometimes you may have to be careful about the ghosts of Pompeii past who could come and get personally get if there’s harassing with their particular sweet breakfast stuffs”???
Brunch is not garbage! It’s breakfast with a lie-in!
WEDDING DOUGHNUTS.