Drew Grant’s last attempt at doling out sex advice to our readers can be found here. The Toast does not endorse Drew’s advice, but you can email us if you have questions for her. Don’t, though.
Dear Drew,
My boyfriend likes to experiment with kinky sex, but I’m more of a vanilla kind of gal. Last week, he wanted to try a little role-playing, but I felt uncomfortable with the idea of wearing a nurse’s uniform or dressing like a dominatrix. We’ve been dating for about six months, and though sex is great, he’s starting to pressure me into situations where I don’t feel comfortable. I’m afraid he’ll leave me if I’m not game, though. How do we reach a happy medium?
Thanks!
-Un-uniformed in Utah
***
Dear UUU,
I feel for you lady, but if putting on that candy-striper outfit is what it takes to give your man an aggressive, inoperable growth on his groin, you’re going to have to give yourself a shot of sodium penthylyne and man the fuck up. I know it can be kind of scary to jump into the kink pool at first–or any pool, if you’ve been mummified in non-water soluble latex and dunked repeatedly because your boyfriend has got a ’Laura Palmer wrapped in plastic’ thing–but you’re going to need to do it. Your relationship depends on it.
Just think about it this way: Fetish play, like good improvisational theater, should be approached with a “Yes, and…?” attitude. If he’s into feet, say “Yes, and…how about you watch me try on these high heels?” If he tells you he’s always been into blondes but you’re a brunette, say “Yes, and…what if I wore this wig and pretended to be Marilyn?” And if he confesses to being into some butt stuff, say “Yes, and….how about we take this carton of expired milk and funnel it up your colon?”
Being giving in the bedroom doesn’t mean you have to be pressured, but it is about pushing boundaries and venturing outside your comfort zone. Never forget that when you slip quietly into bed with your face slathered in greasepaint, you’re not just about to wake a man who in a moment of vulnerability once expressed his childhood fears of clowns…you’re about to embark on a terrifying, thrilling sex-sperience of a lifetime. Don’t forget your poofy wig, oversized shoes and stock catchphrase “We all float down here!” You’ll have him begging for the sweet release of ejaculation and/or death in no time!
The important thing to remember is that adventurous sex should be about exploring each other’s interests and growing together as a couple. For instance, my fiance spent a lot of time on the couch last month, binge-watching his favorite TV shows and generally being a lazy potato! Did I chide him for watching True Detective instead of me? No! I thought proactively about what Carcosa would do in my shoes. I surprised my baby by sending him on a “sexy scavenger hunt” that led to an abandoned creek down the road, where I had a bound, methed-up volunteer in antlers waiting to be ritually sacrificed to the Yellow King. Boy did his eyes bulge! And it was fun for me too, once the peyote hit and I got really into screaming about time being a flat circle.
Now I’m excited to snuggle up and watch TV with my beau, because it gives me ideas to try in the bedroom. I’m thinking of inviting his sister over to watch next season of Game of Thrones, and I’ve hired a devoted, discreet bodyguard to stand at attention while we binge on House of Cards. So bask in the golden shower of television’s greatest era…you deserve it!
Above all: Don’t let kink become a chore. If you find yourself struggling with ways to keep your man tied and gagged in your sex basement after his first escape attempt, you’re not having fun. Let him go…if you guys are really meant to be together, he won’t stray far. Especially since that shock collar should activate itself after a couple yards.
Tags: advice, bad sex advice, drew grant, kink, sex
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“he’s starting to pressure me into situations where I don’t feel comfortable. I’m afraid he’ll leave me if I’m not game, though.”
I have a repeating phrase that goes through my head when I’m annoyed (long lines, people standing on the wrong side of the escalator, slow walkers): “Here’s a thought: why don’t you go fuck yourself?”
This is one of those times. Hey, next time Boyfriend keeps pushing and pushing, try my handy phrase!
“Man the fuck up” is the new consent.
before i finish this rock opera i’ma have to find a place to include the song “the sweet release of ejaculation and/or death’
iirc this was basically the subtitle for Naked Lunch
I read that as The Naked Gun. So confused.
NO I CALLED IT ALREADY!
At night, I dream! I dream of sweet release!
Ejaculation! and/or death!
My desires are without surcease!
At night, I dream! I dream of sweet release!
Ejaculation! and/or death!
My struggles would make a good think piece!
At night, I dream! I dream of sweet release!
Ejaculation! and/or death!
Either way please remove this codpiece!
I totally disagree with this advice. If you don’t feel comfortable, you shouldn’t do it and he shouldn’t push. Those are the basics of consent. Maybe this means you two aren’t compatible and you will need to part ways, but fear of losing a relationship is not a good reason to do things that make you feel uncomfortable.
Sure, sometimes pushing yourself a little outside of your comfort zone sexwise can end up being surprisingly fun. And there’s a difference between “uncomfortable goofy” and “uncomfortable bad.” Maybe you need a little time to get used to the idea and you might discover that you want to try it after all. But being pressured isn’t okay.
ETA: I AM DUMB. I didn’t realize this was bad advice on purpose. Next time I will read all the little words at the beginning.
I don’t know whether to be delighted or terrified that you thought this could be for real.
There are some weird advice replies out there, man. But, yeah, I should have known that wouldn’t happen here.
Scarily, this advice is still better than 90% of the tips in Cosmo.
I would put it at better than 90% of Dan Savage myself.
I get that this is deliberately shit advice, but a stronger response seems warranted “he’s starting to pressure me into situations where I don’t feel comfortable”
Better advice for dealing with being pressured into sex involves a melon baller and the offending person’s eyeballs.
YES to the picture of Evelyn from Fried Green Tomatoes!!!! I watched this movie from a very young age with my Mom (I think we both missed the homoeroticism), and I like to think it taught me seriously important lessons about not putting up with male shit and about how beautiful a saran wrap dress can be. Also to never feel pressured to look at your vagina using a hand mirror in a room full of other women (I have been in situations where I would have succumbed to the peer pressure if not for this film!!!) Best sexpert ever.
The peyote part is absolutely A+. If he has a thing for fucking machines, I recommend building a robot spider with dental drills for teeth, hiding it on the ceiling, and setting the motion sensor to “finish him.”
I love the people that make up this site and that absolutely includes the serial commenters, even the terrifying ones such as yourself.
Will you marry me? Y/N?