A Mobster Who Really Wants a Pet Rabbit

by Mel Kassel · July 4, 2014

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Vic, we gotta talk. I see you got all those important fuckin’ papers everywhere, but this’ll only take a second. 

I don’t have to tell you that morale around the casino is fuckin’ shot. The fish aren’t showin’ up, our guys aren’t skimmin’ much, and the ad campaign we shelled out for is fuckin’ garbage. So hear me the fuck out. 

My neighbor’s got this rabbit. 

Jesus Christ, Vic, will you let a man talk? This ain’t like the kitten thing, this is fuckin’ practical. My neighbor has this rabbit. “Oh, come see this rabbit I got,” he says, like I’m a fuckin’ sap for their huge ears or something, I dunno. I gotta pay my dues with this guy, he kept quiet about the Marziano deal on my porch, so I go to see the fuckin’ rabbit.

Vic. Vic. Like a dog, this rabbit was.

This rabbit, I swear to god. It just fuckin’ hops up to my hand and puts its fuckin’ bunny head in there. And Vic, I ain’t never lied to you before, or even twisted up the truth to make somethin’ look better—you remember when I told you we had to bleed Johhny, or he’d run back to his cop brother-in-law? I am not one to fuckin’ paint a picture too rosy, but this rabbit’s ears were as big as fuckin’ oven mitts. And soft, you know? Like how you wish a fuckin’ oven mitt would feel. What, you never put on an oven mitt and wished it was softer? Maybe attached to a rabbit? 

I’m gettin’ to the point, sit down, I just want you to know that this fuckin’ rabbit ain’t like a rabbit, it’s like a dog, that’s how fuckin’ sweet it is. But quieter than a dog, right? That was the problem with the puppy, I admit it, he wouldn’t shut up and nobody wants to go to a strip club where a fuckin’ beagle won’t stop howlin’ (even though it’s just their fuckin’ nature to howl), you got me, that was bad for business.  

Here’s the thing: rabbits don’t make any fuckin’ noise. (‘Cept when they die, Vic, and that’s the worst noise on earth, let me tell you. I’ve heard a guy chokin’ on the back of his own tongue after he’s been shot in the dome, but a rabbit dyin’, it just hits you different, ‘cause you know it’s so fuckin’ confused, like why did some mook have to come around and hurt it, it was just munchin’ on some grass and makin’ its little poops or what-the-fuck-ever, it ain’t done nothin’ or snitched on nobody.) 

Vic. Vic. Sit down. Here’s what we do. We get some wood, we get some chicken wire, we build a fuckin’ hutch—a hutch, it’s like a little rabbit-house, they gotta have one—and we put the fuckin’ rabbit in the casino office. He can be the casino mascot, a fuckin’ lucky rabbit, you know? And my neighbor, he says these rabbits, they don’t need much, just some water and some fuckin’ pellets. Vic, I will get the pellets. 

Vic, Christ. I said I was sorry for that. This isn’t like the fuckin’ ferret, okay? What, a guy fucks up once and you’re on his back forever, actin’ like it’s his fault that fuckin’ Ernie forgot to feed the ferret and it ate a bunch of fuckin’ bullets and died? Vic, I’m gonna be honest as fuck with you right now. I cried for four days straight after that fuckin’ ferret bit it. 

Forget it, I don’t know why I fuckin’ told you that. 

Listen, Vic, I’m gonna say somethin’ I don’t say often, here. I’m gonna say it because you’re my fuckin’ friend, and also, you fuckin’ owe me because I broke that bookie’s legs yesterday: please. Please let me get this fuckin’ rabbit.

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21 Comments

  2. emdash +45

    “A guinea pig, Vic? A guinea pig? You’re fuckin’ killing me with this guinea pig shit, Vic. Fuck you and your fuckin’ guinea pig. Get the fuck out of here.”

  3. dakimel +15

    Goddamn that’s adorable. My BFF growing up had a rabbit hutch, but she never let me pretend they were oven mitts. No wonder we hardly talk anymore.

  4. twoburgers +20

    Although I read this in Tony Soprano’s voice, it’s Paulie I picture asking for a rabbit.

    1. testingwithfire +1

      Or Fredo from The Godfather importuning Michael, or Tom the consiglieri.

  5. keristars +63

    Also I love that this guy has already tried the scheme with:
    a) kitten
    b) beagle puppy
    c) ferret

    guy really likes animals
    why can’t vic help him out c’mon vic

    2. hawthorn_tree +40

      Vic tried! Vic thought the kittens might not be a bad idea. And then sure, maybe a dog would be better. He was skeptical about the ferret from the start and he just can’t anymore, he can’t have all these weepy mobsters when it goes wrong. Ernie was fucking devastated about the ferret. You think Ernie is up to breaking knee caps when he’s racked with guilt over a goddamn ferret?

  6. CleverManka +53

    Vic. Vic. Like a dog, this rabbit was.

    How do you perfect so hard without hurting yourself?

  8. winterbymorning +10

    I have two rabbits, and only one of them has ever been overtly affectionate with me. Sometimes he will lick my fingers. One time he jumped on my lap, and then peed on me. I don’t mind, I just like watching them run around and being friends with each other.

  9. Abanthis +14

    Awww. Honestly though after the kittens and the puppy and the ferret I can’t blame Vic for being sceptical.

  10. Marza +5

    OMG. I couldn’t love this more if I tried.

    And now I’m dying to know what happens next! Does Vic let him have a rabbit? PLEASE, VIC, PLEASE LET HIM HAVE ONE!

  11. julietronic +5

    This is amaaaaaziiiinnngggg.

    But dude, you gotta give him greens too. Not just pellets. They gotta have the green stuff! PSA over.

  12. Julie

    This is amaaaaaziiiinnngggg.

    But dude, you gotta give him greens too. Not just pellets. They gotta have the green stuff! PSA over.

  14. deleted7410012 +5

    thank god for the link roundup. i don’t know how i missed this. it’s PERFECT.

  15. yeah_elle

    thank god for the link roundup. i don't know how i missed this. it's PERFECT.

  17. keristars +3

    I was thinking about this story again today and it still brings a tear to the eye. I love it so much.