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Home: The Toast

engagement14Jesus, everybody I know is teething this spring. When did just nubbling on things with your wet gums stop being enough, you know?”

“There it is, right on time, just like clockwork. Everyone’s developing spatial awareness at the same time, like a bunch of fascists.”

“If I have to go to one more bar mitzvah, hand to God, I will set something on fire. Turn thirteen, have a bar mitzvah, start the eighth grade. It’s like zombie clockwork. Well, I’m opting out. I’m turning thirteen and then I’m going to become a fire monster.”

“I don’t really buy into the idea that we all need to achieve menarche and start menstruating regularly. Yeah, all my friends have gotten their periods, like a bunch of fucking sellouts. They used to be cool. What happened? When did everyone jump off the Period Cliff and why didn’t I get the Evite?”

“Pretty much everybody is either going to college or getting their first full-time jobs. Which is fine. Which is fine. I’m seriously not judging their choices. I just think it’s weird that I’m apparently the only one who’s repeating senior year indefinitely.”

“All of my friends, I swear to God — all of them — are all, like, getting their first yearly colonoscopies and I’m just over here, like, whaaaaatttt even is being an adult! I love weed!”

“No, I’m happy for her. I’m happy for her. I am. Do I think she rolled over her 401(k) a little soon? Yeah. Personally, I’m waiting until I know it’s the right time, not just because I’m scared it’s the only chance I’m going to have to get to do it…Oh my God, I didn’t say that. Pretend I didn’t say that.”

“You don’t have to go through menopause to be fulfilled, you know.”

“All my friends are enrolling in AARP and becoming grandparents, and it’s like, since when was the natural progression of life mandatory, right? You don’t have to turn 55 just because somebody tells you it’s what women your age are “supposed” to do. That’s like…that’s like against the rules of feminism.”

“Oh, that’s cute. Everyone’s dying, like, as a group, that’s so original. Everyone’s just so scared of change and being alone, it’s like they can’t even die originally. Why not just move to the suburbs, right?”

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