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Look, I’m a asshole who is happy to pay $9 for a Paleo convenience meal, sure. CREED ARMS, as Mallory would say. But I don’t want to pay $9 for a Paleo convenience meal called NOBLE SAVAGE. Where did they focus-group that? A single Crossfit box? SOME OF US are knee-jerk whiny progressives who would still enjoy a nice grass-fed beef bolognese with zucchini noodles they didn’t have to cook themselves.


FLAILS HAPPILY!!!!!


Yes, thank you, earbuds are disgusting and painful and fit no one:

The modern earphone comes in two main types—both of which are deeply flawed. The prevailing earbud design (the kind often included with the purchase of, say, an Android device) involves silicone bulbs that jam deep into your ear canals, creating a seal. Some people have no problem with these small invaders. But many others among us—myself included—find them intrusive. Painful, even.


The making of “Homer at the Bat” and just, you know, The Simpsons in general:

Bush really should’ve picked his battles more carefully. His wife was criticized in 1990 for calling the show “the dumbest thing I had ever seen.” In return, “Marge Simpson” wrote her a letter in reply, explaining how she was deeply hurt by the comments. The situation was put to rest with the First Lady, amazingly, writing a letter back to the fictional TV mom, apologizing for her “loose tongue.” It’s hard to fathom now, two decades later, with the show ensconced in a family-hour time slot, but The Simpsons was once dangerous.


he sent her a dick pic at a MUSEUM while they were on a DATE


On Ronda Rousey:

In some ways, the word “fight” is misleading: a mixed-martial-arts match is an athletic event and a brainteaser. Rousey says her job is to figure out how to respond to her opponent’s attacks and lapses, and then train until those responses become reflexes. But she also knows that M.M.A. wouldn’t be so popular if its matches didn’t provide a rough facsimile of street-corner fistfights, and if even the most erudite fans didn’t find themselves, at least once or twice a night, howling for violence. Rousey herself isn’t immune to this temptation to confuse a fight with a fight, and she says that, inevitably, there comes a time in training camp where mere technical superiority doesn’t seem like enough. She says, “I always think to myself, If I ran into them in a parking lot and they slapped my little sister, would I be able to beat the hell out of them? And the answer is always Yes, I would.”


Oh, what a great opportunity to break out our new retort! I DON’T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HARPER LEE’S FONDNESS FOR BURGER KING SALADS, DWIGHT GARNER:

“The Mockingbird Next Door” conjured mostly sad images in my mind. Ms. Lee has a regular booth at McDonald’s, where she goes for coffee. She eats takeout salads from Burger King on movie night. When she fishes, she uses wieners for bait. She feeds the town ducks daily, with seed corn from a plastic Cool Whip Free container, calling “Woo-hoo-HOO! Woo-hoo-HOO!” Somehow learning all this is worse than it would be to learn that she steals money from a local orphanage.

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Everybody else is gonna link to the GQ profile of Kanye West, so WHY NOT US?


I personally believe that only meglomaniacal monsters run for President, since no President ever actually gets anything done and it ruins your family, and they are all deeply narcisstic and broken inside, but I am also guilty of finding Joe Biden adorable.


Why colleges handle sexual violence reports.


The Paris Review on the Bee Gees, naturally:

None of this makes any sense until you remember their upbringing: cocooned, with extreme arrested development, they had no instincts for cool pop moves. With ill grace, they’d always point the finger when things went wrong, always be the first to build themselves up (on 1973’s Life in a Tin Can—“the best thing we’ve ever done, we think, and everyone who’s heard it agrees.” No, it was entirely unmemorable), or chide a fellow act in decline (Maurice on John and Yoko: “They say ‘power to the people’ but charge enormous prices for seats at their concerts”). Blaming anyone but themselves. Blaming it all on the nights on Broadway. They would walk out of interviews on a regular basis and, until the end, found it hard to understand their place in history after the almighty eighties backlash. So they were childish and childlike. Forgive them. They wrote a dozen of the finest songs of the twentieth century. The Bee Gees were children of the world.


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