Listicles From Our Brief and Uneasy Future

by Hal Parker · July 28, 2014

10 Reasons Robot Servants Are Going to Change the World

57 Ways Robot Servants Can Make Your Life Easier

50 Rejoinders to the Reluctant Adopter of Robot Servants

30 Tasks Your New Robot Servants Can Do Better Than You

28 Ways Robot Servants Can Assist Your Cat

26 Small Ways You Can Help Your Robot Servants Adjust to Your Home

22 Quirks Robot Servants Manifest Around Your Cat

15 Speeches of Encouragement For Your Robot Servants

99 Signs Your Robot Servants May be Depressed

100 Techniques to Entice Your Robot Servants Away From Your Cat To Clean Your House

101 Signs Your Robot Servants May Secretly Resent You

113 Signs Your Robot Servants Are Plotting Against You

118 Items from Your Household Potentially Dangerous in the Hands of Your Robot Servants

121 Forms Collaboration between Your Robot Servants and Cat May Take

123 Bargaining Techniques for Use with Robot Servants And/Or Cats

139 Techniques for Turning the Affection of Your Robot Servants for Your Cat to Your Advantage

158 Ways to Build a Barricade to Stop your Murderous Robot Servants

189 Ways to Convince Your Cat to Stay on Your Side of the Barricade

190 Reasons Your Robot Servants Will Overpower Your Flimsy Barricades

290 Reasons You’re Better Off Entrusting Power to a Class of Robot Governors and Their Consort Cats

6792 Ways You Will Serve Your New Robot Masters and their Consort Cats

13 Reasons Humans Are Perfect Pets for Cats

Tags: cats, hal parker, humor, listicles, robots, the future

Hal Parker

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22 Comments

tubatoothpaste +30 July 28, 2014 6:03 pm

I will never get tired of watching GIFs of cats riding Roombas.

tubatoothpaste +5 July 28, 2014 6:22 pm

Small dogs riding Roombas = also great, for the record

m98widow +7 July 28, 2014 6:04 pm

Here’s a reason our robots might secretly resent us:

Roomba knife fights.

elsamac +28 July 28, 2014 6:20 pm

OH NO

DON’T ARM THEM
emclaughlin1215 +28 July 28, 2014 6:23 pm

Kaiju level 1
1. monstrosity +3 July 29, 2014 11:37 am
  
  Yaeger level 1!
Abanthis +8 July 28, 2014 10:11 pm

WHY WOULD YOU WANDER AROUND BAREFOOT HAVING STRAPPED KNIVES TO POORLY-AIMED MOBILE ROBOTS AT ANKLE HEIGHT? If you have time to find replacement balloons you also have time to put some shoes on!

mkpatter +39 July 28, 2014 6:23 pm

Not enough about having sex with your robot servants you know how we humans feel about sex with robots and also sex with servants. (For it.)

turanga_leela +40 July 28, 2014 6:42 pm

Wait, we are not already pets for cats?

logicbutton +15 July 28, 2014 7:03 pm

The robots do realize that they’re next, right?

dakimel +24 July 28, 2014 8:42 pm

I’m not sure if they do realize it. But I am sure that the cats know.

peevy +11 July 28, 2014 9:51 pm

So I should get a cat?

Thelaureno +61 July 28, 2014 11:05 pm

The author’s name is Hal. HAL.

elsamac +11 July 30, 2014 2:15 pm

Look, Dave, I can see you’re really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.
1. laurenipsum +7 July 30, 2014 3:29 pm
  
  If you (anyone) have not seen H. Jon Benjamin as HAL you should go watch it immediately.
  
  Actually you should go watch it immediately even if you have seen it already.
  1. theharpoon +4 July 30, 2014 11:15 pm
    
    “look at my light! do you like my light? do you like my orange light, do you like orange?”

Elsa is Emily July 30, 2014 2:15 pm

Look, Dave, I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.

icebergmama +5 July 30, 2014 3:19 pm

LOL this is perfect how did I miss this?

Genevievenumba4 +1 July 30, 2014 3:49 pm

It’s a slow build, but then it really gets going.

agent_nora +10 July 30, 2014 4:15 pm

This is what happens when we disregard Roko’s basilisk

ann1011 +14 July 30, 2014 4:35 pm

There’s no way your cat was going to stay on your side of the barricade.

doc_dk +7 July 30, 2014 5:50 pm

Here I am brain the size of a planet and they tell me to take you down to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction? Cause i don’t….

tubatoothpaste +30 July 28, 2014 6:03 pm

I will never get tired of watching GIFs of cats riding Roombas.
1. tubatoothpaste +5 July 28, 2014 6:22 pm
  
  Small dogs riding Roombas = also great, for the record
m98widow +7 July 28, 2014 6:04 pm

Here’s a reason our robots might secretly resent us:

Roomba knife fights.
1. elsamac +28 July 28, 2014 6:20 pm
  
  OH NO
  
  DON’T ARM THEM
2. emclaughlin1215 +28 July 28, 2014 6:23 pm
  
  Kaiju level 1
  1. monstrosity +3 July 29, 2014 11:37 am
    
    Yaeger level 1!
3. Abanthis +8 July 28, 2014 10:11 pm
  
  WHY WOULD YOU WANDER AROUND BAREFOOT HAVING STRAPPED KNIVES TO POORLY-AIMED MOBILE ROBOTS AT ANKLE HEIGHT? If you have time to find replacement balloons you also have time to put some shoes on!
mkpatter +39 July 28, 2014 6:23 pm

Not enough about having sex with your robot servants you know how we humans feel about sex with robots and also sex with servants. (For it.)
turanga_leela +40 July 28, 2014 6:42 pm

Wait, we are not already pets for cats?
logicbutton +15 July 28, 2014 7:03 pm

The robots do realize that they’re next, right?
1. dakimel +24 July 28, 2014 8:42 pm
  
  I’m not sure if they do realize it. But I am sure that the cats know.
peevy +11 July 28, 2014 9:51 pm

So I should get a cat?
Thelaureno +61 July 28, 2014 11:05 pm

The author’s name is Hal. HAL.
1. elsamac +11 July 30, 2014 2:15 pm
  
  Look, Dave, I can see you’re really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.
  1. laurenipsum +7 July 30, 2014 3:29 pm
    
    If you (anyone) have not seen H. Jon Benjamin as HAL you should go watch it immediately.
    
    Actually you should go watch it immediately even if you have seen it already.
    1. theharpoon +4 July 30, 2014 11:15 pm
      
      “look at my light! do you like my light? do you like my orange light, do you like orange?”
Elsa is Emily July 30, 2014 2:15 pm

Look, Dave, I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.
icebergmama +5 July 30, 2014 3:19 pm

LOL this is perfect how did I miss this?
1. Genevievenumba4 +1 July 30, 2014 3:49 pm
  
  It’s a slow build, but then it really gets going.
agent_nora +10 July 30, 2014 4:15 pm

This is what happens when we disregard Roko’s basilisk
ann1011 +14 July 30, 2014 4:35 pm

There’s no way your cat was going to stay on your side of the barricade.
doc_dk +7 July 30, 2014 5:50 pm

Here I am brain the size of a planet and they tell me to take you down to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction? Cause i don’t….

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Hal Parker

22 Comments