The bride took her husband’s last name. The bride took her mother-in-law’s bracelet. The bride took six gold candlesticks from the reception hall. The bride took her sister’s dignity and her cousin’s eyes. The bride was last seen heading north.
***
The bride is keeping her last name but has forsaken all else. The bride no longer answers the phone after the sun goes down. The bride wears an eyepatch and stays indoors when it rains. The bride is giving away her earthly possessions on the front lawn of the wedding chapel every Sunday for the foreseeable future.
***
The bride is keeping her last name but has forgotten the rest of it. Started with an S, maybe. If found, please return to the bride.
***
“The bride giveth, and the bride taketh,” my mother said, drawing the curtains tight against the coming of the night. “Blessed be the name of the bride.”
***
The bride took everything, and now there’s nothing left for us.
***
The bride is keeping her name in a golden casket locked in a cave by the sea. The bride’s name is guarded by a beast with no eyes and three hearts. No man born in Christendom can find the cave; no man baptized in the name of Christ can defeat the beast; no man raised on free soil can open the casket. The man who finds her name will receive his heart’s desire.
***
The bride is taking her partner’s last name. Her partner is taking her cousin’s last name. Her cousin is taking his coworker’s name. His coworker is setting off to find a name for himself. He leaves behind two grown children and a calico cat in need of a good home (the cat, not the children). He will be missed, whatever his name is.
***
The bride is taking the groom’s last name in addition to keeping her own. The bride will take the name of any guest who neglects to RSVP or forgets to bring a gift from the official registry. The bride will have more names than anyone, and the bride will make you say them all.
Tags: brides, wedding traditions, writing
“The bride giveth, and the bride taketh,” my mother said, drawing the curtains tight against the coming of the night. “Blessed be the name of the bride.”
Yes
Wasn’t this the one where a two sentences on twitter confused A Man? You should be proud, Mallory.
lol and not just some random man some random guy who works at Tech Crunch and got himself a big ol’ blue check mark next to his name
You are a model for us all
wheeere where where
https://twitter.com/mallelis/status/4965275124750…
It’s brilliant.
Like, Mallory is constantly posting random thoughts and opinions about which you can never be completely sure how much is serious and how much is ironic, and THAT was the tweet that stumped him?
The bride is keeping her name to herself. No one has ever known her name and no one ever will. Those who dare wonder what her name is soon forget their own name, then the names of the ones they love.
But could a lady born in Christendom find the cave, defeat the beast, and open the casket?
The man who finds the name will get his hearts desire; the lady who finds it gets a mad fun dance party, plus cake.
(assuming that’s her heart’s desire. Otherwise, cake, plus whatever she wants.)
Oooh, “cake, and her heart’s desire” sounds great in any identity manifesto, twitter bio or otherwise.
I really respect the editorial restraint necessary to not run a blood-splattered Uma Thurman as the photo with this one.
*high fives*
The bride took her husband’s name. He begged for her to return it. She offered him only a hollow laugh. He now wanders the earth, nameless.
“The bride will take the name of any guest who neglects to RSVP or forgets to bring a gift from the official registry. The bride will have more names than anyone, and the bride will make you say them all.”
I feel cheated! All I got was china and towels.
About 90% of my facebook and instagram news feed for the past two months has been the weddings of people I barely care about, and I think reposting this is finally a way for me to join in *cackle*.
I REALLY want to post this on facebook but I’m pretty sure I’ll just be seen as “the girl who’s bitter her boyfriend hasn’t proposed yet,” when in fact I am “All your weddings are ridiculous and why are your husbands making you take their last name they are awful” [I know enough couples where it wasn’t really a choice so I feel ok saying that] so, I will sit here and gleefully think about this post all day instead.
Same, I just went through a horrible break-up so I’m sure people will think it’s cos I’m bitter and alone, but since I’m not particularly sold on the idea of marriage as something I will ever be participating in, I don’t see it as relating to me at all. I simply take exception because I find the subject so boring, especially when I don’t really like the people involved.
Wait what do you MEAN it wasn’t a choice??? Ugh, all hail the patriarchy. Why make women go through all the hassle of name-changing? The bride should be able to take whatever name she damn well pleases.
I’ve had more than one friend say to me “I preferred to keep my last name but he [wants us to have the same name] [said not taking his name was a dealbreaker],” which okay yes ultimately they choose to change their name, but it wasn’t really a super mutual decision and involved not just social expectations but demands/expectations from their partners. And their partner didn’t say “What name should we pick?” but instead “We will have one name and it will be mine.”
(I have strong feelings on what constitutes a “mutual” decision to pick a name and “Well I want to be with him so I’ll change my name” is not a mutual decision.)
Yeah, I don’t think that constitutes an actual “choice.” I am amazingly actually getting married to another human being, and for a long time I was really looking forward to getting rid of my unpronounceable last name, but now that I might lose it I find I am actually quite attached to it, plus people know me in my field of business. AND it is a HUGE PAIN IN THE ASS. But mostly, I feel like my name is really my identity and I don’t want to change my identity just because I am getting married.
“Just” isn’t really the right word there – getting married is a Big Deal and I’m really excited for it and looking forward to starting a new life together. But the key is together – we each keep our separate identities and make a new whole going forward.
So, the issue of name changing remains unresolved.
we each keep our separate identities and make a new whole going forward.
I think so much of my consternation about name changing revolves around the fact that yes, you get married and are a family unit and a new whole, but 99% of the time the woman’s identity does become secondary to the dude’s, and that really bothers me. I feel very strongly that I Am Still Polka Stripes and the sum of my parts is not my relationship status. My partner and I work so well because we ARE individuals that TOGETHER make a better whole; I feel like a lot of the name-change thing is more about the new whole replacing the individuals.
Other people may feel differently and prioritize the whole and I do think women can “mutually” decide to change their name. I hope you can find something you’re happy with!
I had the same deal where I was excited to get rid of my cumbersome last name until it actually came down to it, and then I got all nostalgic about it and also I realized how many places I would have to contact to change it and I changed my mind. (And now I’m getting divorced so I’m really glad I didn’t change it, but even if I weren’t, I think not changing it was the right choice).
I’m also divorced and didn’t change my name (it was just out of the question). I mean, no fiance(e) wants to think about the likelihood of divorce when considering this issue, but they should, maybe, because it’s pretty likely.
I’m getting married at the end of September, and we just got our license, and it was such a relief to not check the name-change box. (To be fair, California does give the option of a name change to one or both spouses, and you can pick a totally new name, which is cool.) But yeah, it is SUCH a pain in the ass to change. I’ve watched friends and relatives go through the whole process, and they have to run around all over the place and make all sorts of phone calls, and I’m just…this is so not fair that you’re the only one dealing with this. Plus I’ve had my name for twenty-nine freaking years! How would I even remember to answer to something else? (However, I don’t have an issue like it being difficult to pronounce, so I can totally see where someone else might be coming from with that.)
Yissss. My friends think I’m weird for being squicked out by “he says it’s really important to him and I don’t care that much”. I just want to shake them and be all “can you articulate a single reason for it to be important to him that isn’t just “because patriarchy””
Yesssss. I also want to say “If YOU’RE the one that doesn’t care, and HE wants “one family name,” why isn’t HE taking off work, filling out paperwork, paying fees, and doing all the work to change HIS name??”
My husband felt strongly about it, and I was on the fence, so I told him a) I will ADD his last name after mine, and b) he has to figure out the paperwork, pay the fees, etc etc It’s been a month and he has yet to even look it up, so I guess I’m keeping my name ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
It’s so hard to even respond to that kind of stuff without seeming judgmental of other people’s relationships. (Which, um, maybe I am?) But I can’t even envision what I would do if my fiancé had said something like that to me, because…he just wouldn’t. Because I wouldn’t have spent the last nine years with him and be legally binding myself to him now if his values were that different than mine.
On a related note, how do I gracefully explain that I’m not changing my name? I mean, our families know and don’t care at all, but I’ve had co-workers ask “oh, what ‘s your new last name going to be?” and when I say I’m not changing it (because of both Aversion to Effort and Feminism) I’m afraid I come off as A) lazy, and B) judgmental of others. (WHICH ARE BOTH TRUE BUT I DON’T WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT.)
…….are you me? I’m pretty sure I told Pending Life Mate that I had no desire to change my name within our first 1-2 years of dating, because I didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t respect that. And yeah, I find it hard to respect my friends’ decisions but not to judge them….so I judge their husbands who are so hung up on **their** name 😉
Honestly, I am not yet engaged, so I couldn’t tell you. I think the easiest (although least snarky/fun) thing to do is just to state “Oh, I’m keeping my name.” with a smile and maybe a change of subject. It’s getting to be a pretty popular thing to do so unless you’re in a conservative/traditional area, ideally people won’t be totally shocked?
You’re right, people probably don’t care as much as I think they do. And I am in Southern California, so you would think it wouldn’t be that strange. But a lot of my co-workers are on the older and VERY conservative side, so I’ve become paranoid and tend to tiptoe around anything that can come off as political for fear of setting off some Sean Hannity-inspired rant. (This is why I’m on the Toast all day. Yes, I’m a coward.)
Yeah, these are the cases that call for the Miss Manners approach: answer their questions with the bare-bones version of the facts and a smile that doesn’t fully reach your eyes, then switch topics. This is the magic of wedding planning: there’s always something else close at hand (“We were thinking about a winter wedding, since even January weather is so nice around here…”)
Miss Manners has never steered me wrong! Excellent point.
Man, I’m so with you. I try not to be judgmental but, say, for instance, when I think about how my sisters took my brothers-in-law’s names because it mattered so so so much to the guy, it just hurts my heart. I can understand not having the energy/desire to make this a deal breaker, I just…can’t be happy about it.
And, as it happens, our first/biggest fight was because I said I would absolutely not take his name. It was 4 months into our relationship (also it was like two weeks ago so…). Good to know now if it’s a deal-breaker, I guess, because I will burn this fucking relationship to the ground, I swear to god.
We let it go for now because seriously how is this important right now but I have some residual anger so I am releasing it into the toast. J/K keeping the anger, going to need it later. Oh, are you “heart broken” oh my poor baby that must be so hard for you. Oh, you “don’t know why” it matters to you so much, well then, in that case, why didn’t you just say that in the first place.
Happy this came up, though, because when we had this fight I was definitely all, “Need to tell The Toast, they’ll have my back.”
<3<3 Your dealbreakers are your dealbreakers! Keeping my last name was/is one of mine too.
I find it curious a man can be so heartbroken over something he can’t fully explain why he cares about in the first place!
More less-than-three’s to you!
My two cents: if/when it comes up again, tell him to go think hard on the “why it matters so much” question. I’m betting that the conversation will get a lot easier when he gets around to understanding that about himself. (It might still end with walking papers, but at least everyone will have grown a little.)
I’m keeping my name and I haven’t figured out a way to respond to questions about it without sounding smug or judgey or what have you. (Perhaps smug and judgmental are just my default tones but I’m trying!) What is more, our kid will ALSO have my name, for it shall come forth from my loins and its fetal cells will float around my blood stream for decades or however long that happens and people are real, real weird when you tell them that. Even when I leave out the parts about loins & fetal cells.
In my region of origin, most of my friends kept their names but it’s less common where I live now, and especially where I work, so it’s something I’ve been thinking on a lot, lately.
We did pretty much decide that when/if we have a kid, it will have his name, but I totally get you with the loins and the fetal cells and all. People even get weirded out by THAT, when I say that I’m keeping my name, but the kid will take his. “But then your child will have a different name than you!” Which…is probably something that people should be used to by now, considering the amount of parents who divorce and remarry, among other things? But I have had way more mixed feelings on what name to give the kid than I ever did about whether or not I would change my name (which was pretty much a “lol nope” from the beginning).
My thinking on this is probably kind of fuzzy (and no doubt patriarchy-influenced) but for us, it seems like a way to make a symbolic connection between dad and kid. Since it would already be springing forth from my loins and such. There’s also a thing that’s personal to our situation, in that I have an large, boisterous, extended family, and my partner does not, and I’m afraid of our child just getting swept up into MY side of the family. So I want to make sure the (still hypothetical) kid would have both parts of her background present in her life, that even though she wouldn’t really have many people from her dad’s family around, she would still have a connection to them.
I think there are lots of reasons to do lots of different things, and I definitely understand why people choose differently! For me, I moved across the country for him and he has lots of family here, so I want to preserve some kind of familial identity. (Plus, you know, matriarchy.) We’re going to maybe give him/her the partner’s last name as a middle name, though.
My favorite story about this is about a family that gave their kids the choice of last name to take while they were still pretty young. One of the kids deliberated for a really long time, and finally decided: “I’ll take Mom’s name, because it seems pretty important to her, but I just don’t know how you’re going to tell everyone apart if we’re all called “Alice.” (Not the real name.) (Also how great is that.)
My mom took my dad’s name when they married. My sisters and I all share a middle name with our mom, and we all have the last name that my parents shared and now is just our dad’s. It’s just one way of doing things, but it’s worked for our family, which has gone through several configurations now (Dad re-divorced, mom partnered but unmarried to stepdad).
I wanted to give my now-grown son my last name, but my then-partner was so whiny about it that I gave in, and we gave him our last names, hyphenated. The result sounds totally ridiculous, and if I had realized how many times I was going to have to spell it out, I would have refused. My son stopped using the dad’s part of the name socially when he was ten. He’s now completely just my last name, but won’t have it legally changed, because he thinks it would hurt his dad’s feelings (probably true). So his ID all has the hyphenated name, even though he never uses it. Moral of the story: DO NOT give in to whiny men!
Please don’t ever leave out the parts about loins & fetal cells.
Trying really hard to find a gif of the Parks and Rec scene where Ben and Leslie are getting married on the spur of the moment after the fundraiser gala, and Ben says something along the lines of “It’s really important to me that Leslie Knope disappears and becomes Leslie Wyatt. Or Councilwoman Mrs. Ben Wyatt.” and she is so horrified.
Can’t find a gif though so just replay that scene in your mind for me, thanks.
OOOO WITH PLEASURE.
One of my favorite historical tidbits is the fact that up until the early 20th century, women did not change their names. They changed the title they used socially, and that title included their husband’s name.
So, let’s say you are born Jane Smith and marry John Brown. Your name is always and forever Jane Smith, and people close to you call you Jane. But your title(s) could be:
Ms. Jane Smith
Dr. Jane Smith
Mrs. John Brown
All of those are correct, in the last case you are specifically the wife of John Brown. You are never Mrs. Jane Brown unless the woman you married was also named Jane and you use your married title socially.
Ooooooo I like this a lot! My grandmother was always and forever a “Ms.” and I appreciated that.
The bride is kicking ass and taking names. And then kicking those names. The bride doesn’t like a too-fresh name; she likes her names broken in.
The bride took his name, her name, all the last good names, and the names built a city, within it a tower, within the tower seven sapphire discs, and on them the names of everyone they ever knew, locked and silent but still for sale, if only you could read them.
After 15 years of marriage, the bride changed her name to her husband’s name, but mostly because she was pissed at her brother and wanted a name different from his.
5 years later, she made up an entirely new name and registered it with the state and everything official.
No one knows what to call her. She laughs with glee.
/mypersonaltruestory
I really wish the phenomenon of “making up a new last name” would catch on more. Name-changing is such a hassle, why not bother to choose the awesomest new name you can think of if you’re going to go through it?
The bride’s true name is known only to a monk who lives high in the mountains, the Keeper of the Bride’s Name. He keeps a vow of silence, for only by speaking the name of the bride aloud can she be defeated.
The bride is keeping her name the way she has always kept it, a whispered rhythm of consonants and vowels that the people around her could never say properly, could never understand fully. The bride will not share her true name with anyone lest they hold power over her Self.
The bride falls and she crawls and she breaks
And she takes what she gets and she turns it into honesty
She promised you you’re never gonna find her fake it
The bride makes things complicated.
And declines to send thank you notes.
<3<3 glorious
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
The bride took her love and took it down. The bride climbed a mountain and never turned around, leaving her love in the snow-covered hills. A body has no reflection. A scream is nothing but silence in a different shape. If the landslide ever brought forth the bones, well, no one knows.
I’ve heard that song 15 times in the last two times. No joke. (Exaggeration, but no joke).
What is wrong with me that my first thought was “Awww, poor imaginary cat.”
The bride took what she damn well pleased and what did she give?
This is perfect. I was going to say I wanted more, like a whole story with a beginning and end and everything, but I realized that’s wrong. This is exactly what it is supposed to be.
The Bride took her loves name because the Brides name had far too many times been rode hard and put up moist. For her old name was old and more common than Smith.
what the shit is ever happening in your brain, Mallory
The bride took her own name. She found it in the cellar, in a box, forgotten. She picked it up and dusted it off and took it.
The bride made the judge lock away her old name so no one could ever find it. The world forgot she ever had another name. Some people whispered that she took something, but they didn’t know what.
The only way to hurt the bride was to find her old name, and that could never happen.
She hoped.