What The Bride Took -The Toast

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cakeThe bride took her husband’s last name. The bride took her mother-in-law’s bracelet. The bride took six gold candlesticks from the reception hall. The bride took her sister’s dignity and her cousin’s eyes. The bride was last seen heading north.

The bride is keeping her last name but has forsaken all else. The bride no longer answers the phone after the sun goes down. The bride wears an eyepatch and stays indoors when it rains. The bride is giving away her earthly possessions on the front lawn of the wedding chapel every Sunday for the foreseeable future.

The bride is keeping her last name but has forgotten the rest of it. Started with an S, maybe. If found, please return to the bride.

“The bride giveth, and the bride taketh,” my mother said, drawing the curtains tight against the coming of the night. “Blessed be the name of the bride.”

The bride took everything, and now there’s nothing left for us.

The bride is keeping her name in a golden casket locked in a cave by the sea. The bride’s name is guarded by a beast with no eyes and three hearts. No man born in Christendom can find the cave; no man baptized in the name of Christ can defeat the beast; no man raised on free soil can open the casket. The man who finds her name will receive his heart’s desire.

The bride is taking her partner’s last name. Her partner is taking her cousin’s last name. Her cousin is taking his coworker’s name. His coworker is setting off to find a name for himself. He leaves behind two grown children and a calico cat in need of a good home (the cat, not the children). He will be missed, whatever his name is.

The bride is taking the groom’s last name in addition to keeping her own. The bride will take the name of any guest who neglects to RSVP or forgets to bring a gift from the official registry. The bride will have more names than anyone, and the bride will make you say them all.

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