Sometimes, the goal of eating is not to nourish the body or even delight the senses; sometimes the goal of eating is to fill your torsal cavity with so much foreign matter that you are no longer capable of producing even the simplest of thoughts. This is called stress eating, and it is good for relieving stress.
You can order delivery, but what if you live in a neighborhood where delivery is scarce? You can walk to a nearby restaurant, but what if it’s Sunday evening and everything is closed? What you need, my friend, is a dose of Infinite Pudding.
Acquire for yourself a good-sized jug of chocolate pudding, preferably Kozy Shack. The kind that has five servings to it and has a decent heft to it when you weigh it meditatively in your hand; like you’re holding a softball filled with egg yolks.
Remove the lid and lick the protective aluminum cover clean.
You should already have a nearly-full canister of real whipped cream in the door of your refrigerator. Open it. Grab also for yourself a spoon. Then retreat to your bed.
Spray a crown of whipped cream over the pudding and eat the first layer such that the ratio of whipped cream to pudding is about 2:1. This will seem outrageous at first, but you will come to see that this is the only way to eat pudding. It develops an almost salty bite to it.
After the first layer of pudding-and-whipped-cream is gone, shake up your canister and fill the pudding jug again. Repeat. Your fourth outing should look something like this:
Repeat until you are no longer capable of conscious thought. Leave the nearly-empty canister by your bed overnight; throw whatever pudding is left over in the morning. You’re going to be fine.
Tags: food, recipes, stress eating
Invest in powdered custard, add milk and sugar, microwave. BEST EVAR.
with fish fingers?
I have in fact eaten this, for Matt Smith’s exit. It was better than expected.
i am impressed, but still giving fish fingers and custard the side eye. (besides, i don’t trust his taste. fezzes are not cool.)
fezzes are not cool, but bow ties sometimes are. I added slightly less sugar than usual. I would eat it again.
hot custard is good but cold pudding is better and WHAT THE FUCK ARE FISH FINGERS
mallory that’s a doctor who reference carry on i’ve got this
(laughs appreciatively at ladytiddlesworth’s joke)
oh my god, i just squealed to myself and startled my coworkers.
Americans call them fish sticks.
Little sticks of white fish covered in breadcrumbs or batter.
does custard powder taste any different from vanilla pudding? As far as I can tell, it’s just cornstarch and vanilla flavor.
It’s a bit more egg-y and less vanilla-y. It’s like the custard filling in cake, but good.
PROPER custard is made with eggs and vanilla, so does taste different.
I hate it anyway.
As a student, Bird’s custard used to be among my Top Things to Eat When You Can’t Afford Groceries, along with stovetop popcorn and random nasty beer left over from a party. Usually combined, and consumed in front of a grainy PBS show on an ancient rabbit-eared tv.
(I am pretty sure all my custard was left over from my mother’s kitchen, where it had been bought redundantly for different christmas parties and then forgotten in the back of the pantry until I liberated it on moving out.)
I cannot really enjoy it any more.
Yes, this is good.
As a veteran stress-eater I also suggest buying a couple of boxes of cake mix and making the cakes, and topping them with an icing made of melted chocolate and butter.
This has the added advantage that YOU MADE IT so it’s not the same thing at ALL as going to tesco, buying their £2 frozen chocolate gateau and eating it all before it defrosts.
You can also make up the box mix with a can of coca cola instead off eggs/oil/whatever – no need to even stress yourself out by cracking eggs!
Unless, of course, you find cracking eggs very soothing. (I do, it’s weird, I know.)
I find it stupidly stressful. Always have to go fishing for that one bit of renegade shell…
Oooh, yes, that is true. And it is the worrrrrst if you accidentally crunch on a teeny bit of shell left behind in the whatever-you-made. ERGH.
Legitimately, separating eggs is one of my favorite things in the world.
What? Please elaborate! Why is no one else talking about this? Will Diet Coke work? Is this real life?
Diet coke works! Google diet coke cake for further details. It’s some kind of alchemy, I think.
This is unbelievable and has truly truly made my day a tiny bit brighter. “Hungry girl” claims that Diet Coke and Yellow Cake Mix are the best flavour combination. Mind = Blown.
That’s practically ganache. FANCY STRESS EATING.
I have my tastes, stress eating is depressing if it’s lackluster
For savouries, keep a bag of raw corn kernels. Pop it, add seasoning, like Malt Salt (malt vinegar flavoured salt) or indeed any other flavoured salt and that weird dehydrated butter stuff and just eat handfuls of popcorn while crying softly.
I never knew I needed malt salt until this moment, but HOLY SHIT I NEED MALT SALT
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Jandds-Malt-Salt-85-Pack/…
This is an excellent plan for this evening’s activities. Malt salt! DO WANT.
Other popcorn topping options: Grated cheddar cheese and semi-sweet chocolate chips. I don’t know why that combination is so delicious to me, but it is.
NEED MALT SALT NOW
I wish we had gateau here in the States; it would feel a lot fancier than just eating cake.
You don’t have gateau? Not even Black Forest?
It’s not QUITE cake, it’s fluffier, and usually has mousse in or on it. Black Forest Gateau has forest fruits and cream.
Not that I know of. We have frozen layer cakes with light frosting in the layers. Maybe that’s the closest equivalent. I’d love the mousse frosting, though.
When M&Ms are on sale, buy a bunch. Stick them in the back of your pantry/coat closet/wherever. Just make sure they’re hard to get to and impossible to see (mine are behind like a hundred pounds of canned things). When you really need them, you’ll remember them.
Alternately: buy Cadbury mini eggs the week of Easter, throw them in your freezer behind that bag of corn you’ll probably never eat. Be ecstatic when they’re found four months later.
I don’t understand the concept of chocolate you keep secret from yourself, any more than I understand the concepts of “intrinsic motivation” or “self-discipline.” How could you forget candy in your house?? Once I tried the thing where you wrap chocolate in several layers of duct tape so theoretically you have to be really desperate to break into it, but apparently I can’t really distinguish between “desperate” and “bored, mildly distressed by something I read on the internet.”
Ever read the Frog and Toad books? In one they make a bunch of cookies, and try to keep from eating them all by putting them in a box, tied with string, on the top shelf. Needless to say, it does not work. In the end, they decide they would rather have Cookies than Willpower. This is pretty much my motto.
The is the second best Frog and Toad story ever. The best is when Toad is afraid people will laugh at his bathing suit. That one always makes me laugh because a Toad in an old-timey bathing costume is comedy gold.
Oh, talking about Frog & Toad is as good as stress-eating an infinite amount of pudding! I agree that these two Frog & Toad stories are the best. I am also fond of the one where Toad wants to sleep through the whole winter, so Frog tears off the pages of his calendar to make him think time has passed. (I think that’s how it goes but I haven’t checked this memory against the internet.)
Some years ago I saw the stage musical Frog And Toad Are Friends. It was perfect. The actors didn’t dress up like animals, they just wore appropriate clothes–Frog and Toad were in tweedy suits that were green and brown, respectively. Snail delivered a letter from Frog to Toad and it took the entire length of the play for him to do it. Frog had a song about how much he loves being a frog in the warm summer weather. Most of the audience was parents with small children, who crawled over the divisions between rows of seats and made the whole room smell slightly milky. I was an adult already, but it was like living through an idyllic childhood memory.
Frog and Toad talk is comforting! That play sounds lovely. I saw it advertised somewhere near me this year and was slightly sad that my kids are too old to want to go; I should have gone by myself. The snail sounds delightful! I love that story where Frog sends Toad a letter and it takes forever.
I also love The Shivers where they watch scary stuff because it’s fun to feel scared when you choose to.
Frog and Toad are just the best. I love how Toad is so pessimistic all the time and Frog just accepts him the way he is and loves him. Such a great friendship.
Both of these are better than the Frog and Toad story where Toad buys them ice cream cones and then progressively turns into an ice cream-monster because it’s a hot day and they’re melting. That picture always terrified me.
Yeah, but then Toad goes home to make a cake, so Cookies<Willpower<Cake.
Oh I definitely understand this. I just hid half a “party size” bag of peanut M&Ms (the other half already consumed during an intoxicated weekend with friends) in my fridge’s crisper drawer, and in so doing found ANOTHER stash of M&Ms that I had hidden there last month.
This is in contrast, of course, to the jumbo jars of Nutella that I keep on display with a long-handled spoon balanced on the lid.
Can I suggest upgrading to peanut butter M&Ms? You somehow feel more wholesome with the added, you know, protein and fiber.
Notice: I will ban anyone who questions the whipped cream, as did a DAMNED FOOL on Twitter last night.
Will you ban anyone who suggests making the whipped cream by hand? Because then you can control how much sugar goes in, AKA you can make sure there is a shitton of sugar.
not really in the spirit of STRESS EATING but sure i’ll allow it
But then you get the satisfaction of attacking the cream with eggbeaters/a whisk, so you can work off anger and then eat away your stress.
Ooo and flavor it with vanilla…or booze…
I made chocolate whipped cream the other day and it was amazing. You melt chocolate and a little bit of water into cream (4 oz milk chocolate to 3/4 cup cream to 3 Tbs water), chill, and then whip. Not in the spirit of stress eating due to extensive planning, but very much in the spirit of eating what tastes like fluffy whipped chocolate.
The only fault that I can find with your plan to produce a superior product is that you are denying yourself a shameful 30 second whip it buzz when you run out of whipped cream(I always run out of whipped cream)
Why would a person question whipped cream, EVER?!
Confession: my entire life is basically a quest to create and consume the vegan equivalent of Infinite Pudding.
(Also Infinite Mac n Cheeze.)
Coconut milk! Refrigerate, scoop out the hardened stuff that floats to the top, whip with sugar and vanilla and cocoa powder or melted chocolate. It’s more work, but it’s still easy enough to make while drunk/sobbing/experiencing a mild panic attack.
I was going to say! Also if you have a Trader Joe’s within a convenient distance, check out their coconut cream. It’s basically JUST the stuff that floats to the top, and I like to keep a can in the fridge Just in Case, because You Never Know. Also: sweetened with maple syrup! It is a thing of hope and wonder and beauty.
(I’m not vegan, I just really like vegan whipped cream.)
yesss, I have a carton of coconut cream in my fridge just waiting to be whipped in 30 second and eaten immediately, in times of duress. Works well with sprinkles on top. Learning how to make this was a come to Jesus moment.
yessssss so good! I usually just do this for whipped cream (w/ powdered sugar) but now I realize it would be the perfect companion to tofu chocolate pudding (in a 1:1 ratio, of course).
Have you tried the vegan chocolate mousse recipe that involves melting dark chocolate (plus some form if sweetener) and running it through the blender with silken tofu? It works incredibly well, and is so easy that it is definitely my answer to Infinite Pudding. (And I’m not even vegan! It’s just delicious and easy.)
ETA: I found it! http://www.taste.com.au/recipes/26182/chocolate+t…
Yessssssssss or if you are feeling like way indulgent, do melted chocolate with coconut milk and then let it set up in the fridge. It is KILLER, but it does take some time, which makes it less a than ideal Infinite Pudding.
(I also liked to buy the prepackaged graham cracker crusts, back in my beautiful wheaten days, and then let the pudding set for chocolate coconut cream pie. With coconut whipped cream! This was a staple when I moved to a new city 7 hours away from everyone I knew and then immediately broke up with my boyfriend at the time. I called it the Pie of Strength and Solitude, and would eat it huddled up by the space heater between the wall and my leaky air mattress. Who needs friends when you have that pie?)
yes! that is my favorite! plus, added bonus: when I reach the ‘guilt’ stage of consumption which comes slightly before the ‘comatose’ stage, I can reassure myself that it’s basically just tofu = protein = healthy. win!
My friend, let me introduce you to my stalwart companions: jello instant chocolate pudding and store-brand cool whip. Prepare the pudding with the milk of your choosing and cross your fingers that your local grocery store is as lazy about including actual dairy in their $1 knockoffs of befuddlingly dairy-inclusive whipped cream alternative toppings as mine is.
The only thing that buries feelings faster than chocolate is delicious, delicious chemicals.
wait, for real? jello chocolate pudding is vegan? you may have just…. changed my life, forever.
Cool Whip has milk products in it, doesn’t it?
Skim milk and light cream as of 2010, and I think..casein? before that.
Incidentally, Cool Whip and Jell-O were invented approximately 13 miles away from each other.
You want a vegan mac and cheese recipe? I have one and it is the best:
First you chop up the carrots, potatoes, and onion, and then boil them in the 2 1/2 cups of water for 20 minutes. Combine the oil, spices, garlic, salt, lemon juice, nuts and blend them in a blender. Once you’ve done that and once the veggies are done cooking, combine the veggies and nut mixture in the blender and blend until it looks like cheese. Then combine with the pasta in a baking dish and sprinkle with bread crumbs. Bake for 20-30 minutes at 400 degrees!
Ingredients:
1 pound tubular/spiral pasta
2 medium yukon gold potatoes peeled and diced
1 medium carrot peeled and diced
0.5 cup white or yellow onion chopped
2.5 cup water
canola oil (start slowly adding it while blending until the mixture is smooth.)
2/3 cup cashews (or 1/3 cup casher 1/3 cup macadamia nut)
2 tsp salt
2 clove garlic chopped
1/4 tsp dry mustard
2 tbsp lemon juice
0.5 tsp pepper
1/4 tsp cayenne pepper
Bread crumbs
Seriously. It’s so so good. You can also do it with an acorn squash instead of the potato (just use a whole regular sized acorn squash, peeled). So so good.
I am more of a savory guy and the trick for me has always been to put the WHOLE bag of mozzarella sticks on the baking sheet; none of this portioning-out business.
Mozz sticks FOR LIFE!
In a pinch, the entire bag of potato skins will do.
Source: I had four potatoes for dinner the other night.
Infinite Tater Tots.
And when you eat them pretend they are being thrown at you by Donkey Kong and instead of jumping over them you have to eat them. When the bag is done, you’ve won.
For those who crave salty feelings, I recommend a box of Chicken in a Biskit crackers and a can of Kraft EZ Cheez.
Why are all emotions tastier with condiments in a can?
Damn, guess who’s buying pudding tonight when she goes grocery shopping tonight.
I read this at midnight in my bedroom and I’m literally going to the 24 hour convenience store for snacks now.
Ooo, recipe swap! Here’s my current favourite:
1) Buy bag of Reese’s chips (found in chocolate chip aisle)
2) Open bag
3) Eat until you run out of either candy or feelings.
YAASSS Reese’s chips! I’ve only ever eaten them from the bag; I suspect they wouldn’t taste as great actually baked in something.
Blarg, we don’t have Reese’s chips in England, so instead I dunk a spoon in peanut butter, sprinkle the be-buttered spoon with trader joe’s chocolate chips, and go to town.
YES. I do this with the Ghirardelli 60% cacao chocolate chips and OH MAN it’s the BEST stress eating. My life motto is Sweet v. Savory: Why Choose?
We used to do this at summer camp with M&Ms, and now I’m wondering why I ever stopped.
If you wish a change of pace, I recommend stirring the whipped cream into the chocolate pudding, so that an almost mousse-like consistency is obtained. You can also top that with more whipped cream, should that be in your interests.*
*It is almost always in mine.
That’s what I used to do when I was little, because I wanted to be fancy and eat chocolate mousse.
My favorite thing to do when eating cake and ice cream is to break up the cake and stir the two together until there’s no separation and the whole thing is more like a blizzard. That way you don’t get any bites that are more cake than ice cream or vice versa. Also, no more dry cake crumbs.
My mom used to make a layered pudding like that, where the bottom was just chocolate pudding, and then there was a layer of mostly pudding mixed with some whipped cream, and then the next one was mostly whipped cream with some pudding, and the top was all whipped cream. Too much planning for stress eating (unless putting together fancy things is part of your de-stressing ritual), but v. delicious.
Shameless offtopic but love, love, love your nickname!
You just haven’t lived until you’ve listened to Madeline Bassett (voiced by the one and only Jonathan Cecil) tell the story of Marvyn Keene, Clubman. I’ve never imagined that a human voice can reach such levels of soupiness and droopiness. But it can and it’s AWEsome.
Actually, come to think of it, this actually *might* be my stress-eating substitute (can’t really eat when stressed, it turns out… Sadly, I don’t stress too easily, it also turns out ;)) – Wodehouse, read by Cecil.
Thank you! And thanks for the recommendation — I am requesting the audiobook from my library right this second. 🙂
My favorite addition is this: gummy worms. and cookie crumbs from the bottom of the bag that you have mostly finished but are too lazy to throw away.
initially, it will just be “Worms and Dirt,” which is a good snack in it’s own right, true. but by the sixth bowl, when there is very little brown left, the worms will have left the “dirt” and all its earthly frivolities behind. instead they will sit on a bed of fluffy white cream, of cloud. I call this “Worms and Cloud,” “Worms in the Sky,” “Worms in the Kingdom in the Sky,” “Worms Have Ascended to a Higher Plane of Being” or simply “The Ascension.”
it tastes of heaven. it tastes of god. worms are god. all hail worms.
Oh wow, this reminded me of an actual dessert called “Dirt” which my Very Southern Friend made one 4th of July. It consists of crushed Oreos, pudding mix, milk, cream cheese, a WHOLE CUP of powdered sugar, BUTTER ANNNND… COOL WHIP. It is topped with gummy worms. It is entirely delicious, but after hearing that list of ingredients it was all I could do not to vom on myself.
screw the American Heart Association. they are propagandists who must be silenced. I WOULD TAKE A BATH IN THAT SHIT
let me love you
Welp, gonna go get some strawberries and pour some sweetened coconut milk on them. (Maybe add some cayenne if I’m feeling nasty.)
How you doing, Mallory? You ok? Did you have to spend more than five hours with people? Get two puddings.
Oh, well if we’re going to use actual fruit allow me to contribute my favorite emergency fruit dessert:
1. Place frozen blueberries in bowl. Sprinkle with sugar if desired.
2. Pour milk/cream/non-dairy product of choice over berries.
3. Wait a few moments for heat transference to start thawing berries/freezing milk.
4. Smash into creamy fruity slush and consume.
OMG, I forgot about how that is the best instant dessert ever. Good call!
Even better: replace milk with advocaat.
dessert? I’m pretty sure you’ve just described my daily breakfast.
(#bestlife)
Note: this can be done with wine instead of milk, if desired.
My favourite emergency fruit dessert:
1. Scoop a tub of ricotta into a bowl.
2. Add as many raspberries as possible.
3. Mash the raspberries with a fork and stir into the ricotta until it turns pink. Eat it all.
It’s so good.
That sounds delicious. Another fruit/dairy combo (but for picnics, not stress eating) is strawberries dipped in creme fraiche or sour cream and then rolled in brown sugar (the soft American kind, fine grained and lightly brown). It’s all the joy of strawberries and cream but with an extra tangy/carmel component and can be eaten out of hand. In fact I usually just wash the berries and pack a tub each of the sour cream and brown sugar so people can (ahem) roll their own.
1. Walk to neighborhood 7-11.
2. Buy regular size bag of Utz Salt & Vinegar chips (2 if they are on sale).
3. Get something to drink with said chips.
4. Watch something ridiculous while eating entire bag of chips.
5. Go to sleep.
6. Wake up, have leftover chips for breakfast (may require opening 2nd bag).
Hey, does anyone else like that pudding/egg custard for babies? Do they even make it anymore? I think it’s Beech-Nut brand. If only that came in a giant tub. My grandpa and I swore by it for stressful times.
Cheesestarch, Easy Mode: Purchase the largest cheapest block of cheese you can find. Nothing fancy, preferably something colored vivid orange. I’m a fan of Coljack. Purchase an extremely large box of crackers (your choice). Sit on your couch with a cheese knife and a bottle of something. Make yourself cheese-cracker sandwiches until conscious thought is a distant memory. Fall asleep watching Futurama reruns.
I’m a big fan of using funfetti cake mix to make cookies. It’s all the funfetti flavor, but extra concentrated and ridiculous.
The diet coke cake above blew my mind and now this?? This, too, is unbelievable. I’ve been missing out my whole life! Time to start making up for it…
At what point in this day is it no longer too early for this?
I don’t understand the question.
It’s late enough somewhere.
OMG I heart this entire thread but that, that was pure gold.
Giant casserole dish of homemade mac and cheese last night–>good stress eating for later.
In case of extreme stress, I like to slice a wedge of leftover mac and cheese, coat it in bread crumbs, and pan-fry/sautee it.
My stress eating has to be warm food. The warmth is soothing. A jug of mashed potatoes maybe.
Same. My stress eating is garlic breadsticks and white pizza from a place down the street, or paneer makhni and naan (unfortunately this one is a bit more expensive where I live).
so my only boy cousin taught me how to make “jack’s nachos” – arrange nacho chips on a plate, covered with shredded Monterey jack cheese, and put in the microwave til it gets goopy/melty. then cover with cold blueberries and eat.
surprisingly good. (for a boy’s recipe.)
That certainly took a twist I wasn’t expecting.
Blueberries! I try to picture the flavor but I just can’t. But I’m intrigued.
These are all great for soothing wounded souls, but where is the crunchy thing I smash with my molars when enraged?
Cheetos. Always and forever Cheetos.
Mashed potatoes are my sad-day weakness. Although on “I’m depressed but also a little fancy” days, I have gotten Trader Joes mussels (frozen in a box with white wine/butter/herb sauce), microwaved it, and eaten that with an entire loaf of garlic bread. If I’m celebrating and fancy, I throw in a full bottle of champagne.
I just literally raised my hand to slap my computer screen at the thought of buying frozen mussels, even though I live nowhere near a Trader Joe’s and am allergic to the sauce you mentioned, but holy SHIT. A+++++++++++++ on the garlic bread and champagne. That would be my ultimate sad food.
I know, I know – frozen seafood, really? But it’s better than cleaning and shucking and steaming them by myself, because that is SO not the point of stress eating.
In case I wasn’t clear, my slap was not a slap of judgment, it was a slap of “SHUT THE FRONT DOOR AND GET IN MY MOUTH.” I live in a land-locked state, I am 100% pro-frozen seafood.
Make an enormous batch of popcorn in a dutch oven. Put half in a bowl and coat in brewers yeast and Spike (the seasoning of the gods) and melted butter. Consume. Pick at dry, unflavored popcorn until you realize you have marshmallows stowed in the cupboard. Melt marshmallows and butter in a pan, and then blend with the remaining popcorn. Smooth ooey, gooey popcorn mixture into a pan and sprinkle with sea salt. Pretend to let it cool and set up, but who are you kidding just eat the dang mess.
Christ almighty did you just describe POPCORN RICE KRISPIE TREATS?
Are you available for marriage yes/no
whaaaaat
so you’re basically making Rice Krispies Treats, but with popcorn??
Eat half (or a full, I won’t judge) a bag of Spicy Thai potato chips AFTER 9PM, THE HORROR. Watch 30 Rock reruns while constantly refreshing Twitter and dying inside.
I should note that the goal is for your tongue to get numb from the spicy-thai-ness and for the garlic breath to ideally linger for at least two days no matter how many times you brush your teeth. Buy more bags of chips, repeat as needed.
I’m with all the salty/cheesy stress eaters and I’d like to recommend eating a jug of queso (either a jar of store brand or from your local Mexican food place) and eating it with corn chips until your whole hand (up to the wrist) is covered in cheese from digging to bottom of the container for the last bit of cheese.
Puddin’
Whole Foods chocolate mousse works very well too.
Trader Joe’s Belgian Chocolate Pudding. Sublime.
Duly filed under “puddin'”.
On my way in a few minutes to Whole Foods. It has been that kind of day.
When I’m stress eating I usually just make a double batch of chocolate pudding cake. It makes you feel like a baking goddess, but you mix it in the pan so you don’t have to clean anything afterwards.
That or salt and vinegar potato chips. Like a whole bag. Not the snack size. Your tongue should have a hole in it when you’re done.
Yes, the salt & vinegar is for when I’m feeling slightly punitive towards myself. So many foods for so many feelings.
Laughing crazy hard at “your tongue should have a hole in it when you’re done.”
Instead of pudding, I buy fancy Lindt chocolate bars (when they’re on sale, I’m not a robber baron’s daughter), and in between bites of the chocolate bar you spray whipped cream directly into your mouth. So good.
Flameless smores: Find half-empty jar of marshmallow fluff in cupboard. Fill jar with chocolate chips and busted-up graham cracker bits. Try really hard to stir all this together. Consume by the spoonful.
holy shit YES.
I basically just take slices of neon-orange “American cheese” and layer them on top of a plate of nachos.
None of this “oh but why don’t you just grate cheddar or mozzarella or something” NO. They are only suitable for nacho-less endeavours. THEY DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT CONSISTENCY. ONLY WITH FAKE CHEESE MAY WE ACHIEVE REAL HAPPINESS.
This is why I buy pre-shredded cheddar! For exactly these instances. It tastes significantly faker than the kind I shred myself.
Mmm, plastic cheese.
I love you guys
Open box of Triscuits. Spread enough Triscuits evenly on a dinner plate to cover it completely (your choice of flavour; I’m partial to the parm-garlic triangular ones). Cover each Triscuit with a piece of cheese (I like old cheddar but anything will do). Microwave on high for about a minute (slightly less for melty/gooey, slightly more if you like the cheese to get overbaked/crunchy). Eat with adult beverage of your choice (I like beer) while watching sad movie. Cry. Repeat until all crackers, beer, cheese, and/or tears are gone.
I do this too! And sometimes will add marinara too. “Pizza.”
Buy entire case of baked cheddar fry snacks. Sit on sofa watching food network and hoping for better food whilst devouring the entire package.
Repeat ad nauseum (or at least until the case of snacks is gone)
This cake: Buy one or two boxes of white Jiffy cake mix. Buy one can of crushed pineapple, the kind with HEAVY syrup. Buy one can of pie filling. (I prefer cherry, but whatevs.) Buy butter, like real butter, in the stick form. Buy some crush salted nuts. Buy the whipped cream in the can, as stated in the OP.
Come home. Get a 9X12 or a smaller one will work fine. Dump in the pineapple and the pie filling. Stir a little, though you don’t actually care. Dump on the cake mix, trying to cover sort of evenly. Slice one stick of butter over the whole pan, covering it more or less everywhere. Scatter the salty crushed nuts. Any kind of nuts, by the way. I use peanuts because cheap, but whatevs.
Bake in oven at 350 for 35 minutes. Eat in immense servings with TONS of whipped cream. Or slightly melted vanilla ice cream. Or condensed milk. OR ALL OF THESE AT ONCE.
It had fruit in it, so it’s a health food.
I usually go salty/starchy in these situations but I will heartily vouch for this gourmet receipt (although I usually use yellow cake mix IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE OK).
A good-sized tub of spinach dip and a whole loaf of sourdough bread. When this sounds good (and absolutely necessary right fucking now) I know with certainty my period will come within 3 days.
This will be good when the Nutella-and-peanut-butter-eaten-out-of-the-jars-with-one-spoon method gets stale. Thanks, Mallory.
Spoiler alert: it never gets old.
This thread is how I’m going to get through seasonal depression* this winter, I can tell already
(But being excited by new stress eating recipes is definitely a legitimate method of combatting depression! & I will eat any mole that tries to tell me otherwise.)
*”seasonal”, occurring through all seaons
I would like for someone to stealthily serve this dish to Christopher Kimball.
I had to come back to this thread for moral support while eating heavenly hash ice cream out of the carton.
Ohhh heavenly hash, the best ice cream flavor you can get in a carton. A+++
After I moved out on my own, I discovered the joys of taking the ice cream carton, the bottle of chocolate syrup, and a spoon into the living room while I netflix. I don’t need a bowl.
Eating ice cream from the carton AS NATURE INTENDED is one of the great private pleasures of my life. I use a parfait spoon so my fingers don’t get sticky.
Having roommates has, I’ve found, done a good job of curbing my stress eating. But this time of August makes me think to what I ate the day Jack Layton died and I found myself housemateless in my semi-basement apartment in a crappy area of Montreal: one bag of Miss Vickie’s kettle chips, most of a bottle of dep rosé. Cheers.
You would have been forgiven for eating/drinking 10 times that much. The day Jack Layton died was a terrible day.
agreed. was just on CBC and they have a documentary on their site. Should I watch that or should I watch sitcoms?
Too many sweets make me queasy, so I don’t know if this violates the spirit of the exercise, but sometimes I need to eat A Lot Of Grapes, Like, A LOT Of Grapes.
I’m allergic to chocolate and basically all Pre-Packaged Snacks, so all my former stress-eating foods are verboten now…so I am here for you in shoving-grapes-in-your-mouth-by-the-handful. (Have you tried them frozen?? Like tiny popsicles for you to gnaw on like a happy dog.)
(That sounds wonderful and I will try it!)
I just started freezing all the fruits. Like, today I had a frozen grapefruit and a frozen orange. AMAZING. Recommend heartily.
i choose to believe this was posted before the Ferguson updates for a reason.
This weekend we were out of milk, so I made kraft mac n cheese with butter and sour cream. I am here to say it was AMAZING. Kraft is the savory mirror to the sweet stress eating.
My best friend only ever uses butter when making kraft mac n cheese. Just like. All butter instead of any milk. It’s delicious, and I’ve been converted.
Two years ago after I took my last and hardest final of the term (organic chemistry ugh) I went to the store and bought a loaf of potato onion dill bread and a tub of hummus. When I was in line a woman asked me if I was going to a potluck. I said no.
Oreos! Like, the whole package. And a glass of milk that doesn’t actually get consumed, it’s just there for dipping.
My parents are very crunchy granola re: food, so growing up we never had any proper junk food lying around, and I developed some stress eating recipes with whatever I could find, which include: A Sliced Apple and Almond Butter (but like TONS of almond butter because if it has butter in the name it must be at least a little decadent); A Giant Block of Sharp Cheddar Cheese, Unadorned; Cinnamon Toast (dripping with butter and loaded with sugar); and my favorite, Frozen Berries, Milk (Half and Half preferred), and Brown Sugar, wherein the berries freeze the milk or half and half (or whipping cream if you’re really wild) and create an ice cream-like dish without actually having to convince your parents to buy ice cream.
Of course, now that I’m all grown up and living on my own I buy junk food like a normal human being.
That sounds like really good improvising though. The berries/milk combo especially. And you can never go wrong with a block of cheese.
If I want to fool myself into thinking I’m really stress eating, but don’t have the energy to make a mug of chocolate cake, I mash up a banana and mix it with peanut butter. Then I eat it with a spoon.
I developed my best stress eating recipe in college while super depressed. You take a large microwave safe bowl. Add half a box of pasta – 1 whole box of pasta (feel free to break in half to make it fit). Fill with water and microwave for 10 minutes. While it's microwaving go lie down, walking to the microwave was so overwhelming. Get up and drain the bowl. Dump pasta back in the bowl and add 2-3 tablespoons of margarine and mix in to the pasta. Add salt.
Eat while lying in bed and keep eating until you feel better.
You want a vegan mac and cheese recipe? I have one and it is the best:
First you chop up the carrots, potatoes, and onion, and then boil them in the 2 1/2 cups of water for 20 minutes. Combine the oil, spices, garlic, salt, lemon juice, nuts and blend them in a blender. Once you've done that and once the veggies are done cooking, combine the veggies and nut mixture in the blender and blend until it looks like cheese. Then combine with the pasta in a baking dish and sprinkle with bread crumbs. Bake for 20-30 minutes at 400 degrees!
Ingredients:
1 pound tubular/spiral pasta
2 medium yukon gold potatoes peeled and diced
1 medium carrot peeled and diced
0.5 cup white or yellow onion chopped
2.5 cup water
canola oil (start slowly adding it while blending until the mixture is smooth.)
2/3 cup cashews (or 1/3 cup casher 1/3 cup macadamia nut)
2 tsp salt
2 clove garlic chopped
1/4 tsp dry mustard
2 tbsp lemon juice
0.5 tsp pepper
1/4 tsp cayenne pepper
Bread crumbs
Seriously. It's so so good. You can also do it with an acorn squash instead of the potato (just use a whole regular sized acorn squash, peeled). So so good.
Eating ice cream from the carton AS NATURE INTENDED is one of the great private pleasures of my life. I use a parfait spoon so my fingers don't get sticky.
I eat three avocados’ worth of this: http://www.ibreatheimhungry.com/2012/03/chocolate…
Enough healthy fats to practically suffocate me.
Not that I know of. We have frozen layer cakes with light frosting in the layers. Maybe that's the closest equivalent. I'd love the mousse frosting, though.
I’m disappointed nobody’s quoted Patrick O’Brian yet:
‘You and Martin may say what you like,’ said Jack, but there are two ends to every pudding.’
‘I should be the last to deny it,’ said Stephen. ‘If a pudding starts, clearly it must end; the human mind is incapable of grasping infinity, and an endless pudding passes our conception.’
I am filled with an endless love and happiness, and it is clearly time to read O’Brian again.
<3 <3 <3
I recently started mixing ramen noodles (drained, minus the seasoning packet) with butter and parmesan cheese and it's a revelation. The texture rocks. Buttered noodles have to be the ultimate comfort food.
When I was 13, a guy brought a canister of whipped cream and went around doling heaps on people’s forearms, when they asked. That was around exams week.
When I was 13, a guy brought a canister of whipped cream and went around doling heaps on people's forearms, when they asked. That was around exams week.
Skim milk and light cream as of 2010, and I think..casein? before that.
Incidentally, Cool Whip and Jell-O were invented approximately 13 miles away from each other.
Laughing crazy hard at "your tongue should have a hole in it when you're done."
Honey, squeezed directly onto my index finger.
Oh man, if my Zoloft would let me cry… this is like a support group for stress eaters. I feel the love.
My go to is kettle chips or fritos with cottage cheese with pepper. Also brie with any kind of crusty bread and like, a gallon of lemonade.
This doesn't count…this is normal for me
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