Sometimes, the goal of eating is not to nourish the body or even delight the senses; sometimes the goal of eating is to fill your torsal cavity with so much foreign matter that you are no longer capable of producing even the simplest of thoughts. This is called stress eating, and it is good for relieving stress.
You can order delivery, but what if you live in a neighborhood where delivery is scarce? You can walk to a nearby restaurant, but what if it’s Sunday evening and everything is closed? What you need, my friend, is a dose of Infinite Pudding.
Acquire for yourself a good-sized jug of chocolate pudding, preferably Kozy Shack. The kind that has five servings to it and has a decent heft to it when you weigh it meditatively in your hand; like you’re holding a softball filled with egg yolks.
Remove the lid and lick the protective aluminum cover clean.
You should already have a nearly-full canister of real whipped cream in the door of your refrigerator. Open it. Grab also for yourself a spoon. Then retreat to your bed.
Spray a crown of whipped cream over the pudding and eat the first layer such that the ratio of whipped cream to pudding is about 2:1. This will seem outrageous at first, but you will come to see that this is the only way to eat pudding. It develops an almost salty bite to it.
After the first layer of pudding-and-whipped-cream is gone, shake up your canister and fill the pudding jug again. Repeat. Your fourth outing should look something like this:
Repeat until you are no longer capable of conscious thought. Leave the nearly-empty canister by your bed overnight; throw whatever pudding is left over in the morning. You’re going to be fine.
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.