The Oceans Are Fine And Full Mostly Of Fish And Water, With A Very Small, Normal Amount Of Plastic In Them
Still Plenty Of Places For Us To Put Our Garbage Before We Have To Start Worrying About Anything
There Are Over 1300 Species Of Birds In Danger Of BIRTHDAY PARTIES
Pretty Much All Trees Are Doing Fine And Also There Are No New Diseases For You To Worry About
People Just Don’t Seem To Be Getting Alzheimer’s Any More
You’re Getting Plenty Of Sleep; Don’t Worry About It
Increased Sausage McMuffin Consumption Linked To Gracefulness, “Swan-like” Necks In 27-Year-Old Bloggers
Temperatures Normal For This Time Of Year
Yosemite Fire Goes Out All By Itself
Some Good News About Whales
Everything In The Rainforest Is Normal And Great
Sitting’s Honestly Not That Bad
We’re So Far Away From Any Kind Of Tipping Point That It Would Be Ridiculous To Worry
Southern California Faces Another Week Of Moderate, Seasonally Appropriate Rain
Swansea University fit backpacks to learn sheep secrets
Shocking Pictures Demonstrate How Consistently Level California’s Water Reserves Are
Not Eating A Burger Right Now Linked To Depression, Is Easily Cured By Eating A Burger Right Now
Scientists Find Evidence Of Life On Europa, The Good Kind, That’s Conscious And Mobile And Friendly, Not An Outline Of What Might Have Once Been Bacteria
Mosquitos? Never Heard Of ‘Em
But there is good news about whales! A humpback whale in Nova Scotia survived a near-death experience and is now doing awesome. http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/nova-scotia/foggy-t…
(What? I don’t have a Google Alert for whale news, why do you ask?)
More happy whale stories: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6pKX3whms8
“Callaghan said she suspects Grommet was celebrating Foggy’s freedom.”
Uuurrrghhghgnngghghg!
There’s also an increase of sharks and whales off the coast of NYC, which means good things about the water quality. Also SHARKS AND WHALES ARE AWESOME!! Reading all these made me realize why I loved that article so very much.
This is my feel good one for the week: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/08/26/science/rarest-…
Title: Rarest native animals find haven on tribal lands. Read it and don’t tear up, I dares ya.
Now I want a burger, right now.
Not eating a burger is scientifically proven to be The Worst Thing, and furthermore, eating a burger will definitely cure all human ills. The decision to eat a burger is probably the easiest decision any of us will make today.
Thanks, now I know what’s for dinner.
I went food shopping yesterday when I didn’t want a burger. WOE.
Just had a burger for lunch. Now my vim levels are hovering at around 300% baseline, and my chronic reflux is gone. Thanks, Science!
The sheep backpacks article is awesome (sheep secrets!) but also disturbingly contains this line: “It [the sheep backpack technology] could be used to help develop “shepherd robots”, for controlling crowds or cleaning up an oil spill.”
Shepherd. Robots. For controlling ostensibly HUMAN CROWDS.
Hello cyberpunk dystopia, my old friend.
Yes, but did anyone really see the robot dystopia coming in the form of ANDROID SHEEP?
…besides Philip K. Dick, obviously.
Well now I MUST go to Shake Shack for lunch. For health.
Does your location have the old fries or new fries though.
IMPORTANT QUESTION.
Perhaps more importantly, where are you on the old vs. new fries debate? I am staunchly on the side of OLD FRIES.
ME TOO. I also don’t like in and out fries.
I think we already know what the sheep are up to…
BAA RAM EWE. BAA RAM EWE. TO YOUR BREED, YOUR FLEECE, YOUR CLAN BE TRUE! BAA RAM EWE!
Increased Sausage McMuffin Consumption Linked To Gracefulness, “Swan-like” Necks In 27-Year-Old Bloggers
Replace “Sausage McMuffin” with “chocolate and pastry” and “27-Year-Old Bloggers” with “34-Year-Old Historians” and you’ve written my dream headline. I’ve always wanted to be called swan-like and not have it refer to my nasty temper.
Swan-like is now going to be my go-to secretly multifaceted complement, thank you for this. Useful for friends AND enemies!
“I wish you joy, you swan-like creature, you.”
“Tater Tots covered in cheese and sour cream” “24-Year-Old Receptionists”
“An entire jar of Nutella ingested via long-handled spoon” / “28-Year-Old Disgruntled Admin”
“A full-sized bag of kettle cooked jalapeno chips” “23-Year-Old Social Worker”
“warmed-up chocolate croissants” “22-year-old Archiving Intern”
“cold pizza someone left on the counter”
“32-year-old nonprofit employee”
OMG yessssss
“popcorn with parmesan cheese and nutritional yeast” “32-year-old nonprofit employee”
Have definitely done this. On like…a lot of occasions. If the pizza has been allowed to go cold on the counter, it is intrinsically up for grabs.
seriously, if nobody cared enough to put it in the fridge, I’ll make the problem disappear.
“Sweet and Spicy Chili Doritos” “28-Year-Old Librarians”
“Pita Chips” “27-Year-Old Librarians”
“Smoked gouda” “25-Year-Old Librarians”
“Macaroni cheese” “24 year-old Trainee Librarians”
Evolutionary Changes in Librarian Diets
“Trader Joes Salted Caramel Chocolate Bites” “33 year-old librarians”
THE PINNACLE OF LIBRARIAN EVOLUTION
“Everything magically OK and Fine”
“Everything OK and Fine, No Magic Required, We’re All Doing Quite Well Thanks”
You Took One Less Shower A Week And Now The Drought Is Over
Everybody is Getting All of Their Vaccinations
Radiation Levels in Fukushima Somehow Negative
Fracking Benign; Adds Nothing But “Citrusy Zip” to Groundwater
Relentless Automation Creates Millions of Well-Paid, Fulfilling Jobs
Cartoon Marathons Improve Mental Agility, Sexual Attractiveness In 32 Year Old Women
Hostess Snack Cupcakes Shown To Cure All Known Cancers
Doctors Say You Should Really Spend More Time Reading Fanfiction On The Couch
Cheese Is The Secret To Immortality
Buy More Yarn- It’s Good For Your Well-Being!
If a genie appeared and gave me 5 wishes, those would be those wishes right there.
That last one is objectively true, and I believe there’s strong evidence for the first, as well.
I can collect a number of med students who would strongly encourage #3, does that count?
Regional headline: “Chesapeake Blue Crabs were Just Playing a Decades-Long Game of Hide and Seek”
Although I guess that could be terrifying too, because I imagine gigantic blue crabs emerging from the mud, saying “you’re it,” and then scooping humans up in their pincers.. I guess we deserved it.
“Wind Turbines: Studies Show that Birds Get Entertaining, Harmless ‘Amusement’ Ride”
“No Such Thing as Invasive Plants and Animals, They Play Nice With Native Ones”
“The Ambient Heat from the Urban Heat Island Effect Used to Power Cities”
“Heavy Metals Definitely Become Biologically Inert After Five Minutes”
“New Invention Transforms Smog Into Ozone, Used to Replenish Ozone Layer”
“Wetlands Definitely Not Receding, They Come Back When We’re Not Looking”
“Update: Same Finding for Ice Cover in Polar Regions”
“Solar Power: So Cheap and Easy that We Don’t Need Coal or Oil Anymore!”
Now I want to create a list of justice-related headlines I would like to see more of, but it’d be even more heartbreaking.
that last one is kind of true though, in some places
If there’s a town that is using it for everything–electricity, vehicles, etc.–I’d love to hear it!
New Jersey’s got some legit stuff going on (see here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solar_power_in_New_J… ) and there’s always Germany ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Renewable_energy_in_… ). Frustratingly a lot of what needs to happen to make solar panels work is about the politics and the financing, not the technology, which is obviously more political than like, just sciencing it better. (Sorry if this is stuff you already know!)
I just watched a news segment last night featuring a Sooke, BC Aboriginal band that is exclusively using solar power to charge everything from electric cars to homes, etc. I’d link it but my pooter skills are pretty limited.
Sweet! I think I found something on it: http://www.solarcolwood.ca/news-item.php?ID=47
Not solely solar, but Greensburg KS was destroyed in a tornado 5 years ago. They’ve been trying to rebuild everything as green as possible, using solar, wind, recycled materials, etc. http://news.thomasnet.com/IMT/2012/03/14/five-yea…
Awesome! I’m starting to feel a bit like Mallory now when men started apologizing to her, and I feel like my glee is getting bigger and bigger.
SHARE MORE LINKS ABOUT TOWNS GOING COMPLETELY GREEN!!
There’s also the Danish island of Samso? http://ecowatch.com/2014/05/01/samso-renewable-en…
yessssss
Wadebridge is trying to become Britain’s first solar powered town!
Dwyane Wade’s face in this gif will never not crack me up.
Solar Power: Definitely Not Lighting Birds on Fire <a href=”http://(http://www.cbc.ca/news/technology/brightsource-solar-plant-sets-birds-on-fire-as-they-fly-overhead-1.2739512)” target=”_blank”>(http://www.cbc.ca/news/technology/brightsource-solar-plant-sets-birds-on-fire-as-they-fly-overhead-1.2739512)
OMG
Blue crabs are no joke. Those fuckers are hateful and vicious creatures who are just waiting to rip their brethren apart and are terrifyingly agile. We have a decent population of them in Narragansett Bay and I have cooked them several times and I feel zero remorse about it. One scuttled off across the yard while I was rinsing them and I was terrified 1) of chasing him down and catching him and 2) somehow not being able to find him and having him lurk in the grass until he could pinch my toes.
THEY WILL EAT EVERYTHING, INCLUDING EACH OTHER
I recently learned that they’re now an invasive species in Turkey. That’s fun. I wish we could just transplant them back into the Chesapeake Bay.
“Dash of Salt Does No Harm. Extremes Are the Enemy.” http://www.nytimes.com/2014/08/26/upshot/dash-of-…
Turns out that not getting enough salt is worse that eating too much. Mmmmm salty!
Yesssssss I felt so validated when I found this one time. The body needs salt! Seems legit.
My mom, who cooked notoriously unsalted meals for me as a child, was instructed by her doctor to eat more salt. Oh, how I laughed. Oh, how I laughed.
My resting blood pressure is 80/59. I’m convinced the alarming quantity of salt I eat is the only reason I can stand up most days.
excellent last night’s dinner consisting entirely of corn on the cob slathered with butter and salt is VINDICATED
Your Pet Cat Thinks of You as a Beloved Friend and Not Just a Feeding Machine
Definitely Not Just That Thumbs Creature Who Is Useful I Guess
Omg “Thumbs Creature”. You just perfectly distilled my cat’s opinion of me and it HURTS.
Helper Monkey
pretty sure I am Heated Mattress That Sometimes Moves to my cat.
University President Gives Up $90,000 of Salary to Raise Workers’ Wages
Staring At Women’s Butts Causes Feelings Of Deep Respect For Women’s Intelligence, Independence, Worth As Human Beings In Men
No Comets or Meteors Will Ever Hit the Earth Ever Again
New Study Proves the Ocean Contains over Sixteen Quadrillion Fish at All Times, Overfishing ‘Not a Thing’
Productivity Positively Correlated to Number of Unfinished Projects, Stanford Psychologists Pronounce
Perpetual Motion Machine Invented by Local 11-Year-Old, Widely Hailed as Panacea
Everyone Will Live Forever from Now On
Cheese: Good And Good For You
Ten Year Olds Put In Charge of Middle East Peace Talks, Reach Permanent Accord In An Hour
Syrian War Cancelled Due To Lack Of Interest
Defense Budget Rejiggered, Money Sent To NASA Instead
Time’s “Eat Butter” cover was basically as good as your cheese headline. AND IT’S TRUE.
Finally got to look this up, it’s all I ever wanted:
Where do I order a print of this for every surface of my home
Some Good News About Whales
Admiral, There Be Whales Here!
OK, but, three actual science headlines I found yesterday, while researching a paper:
“Leaving a bad taste in your mouth but not in my insula.”
“Does it look painful or disgusting? Ask your parietal and cingulate cortex.”
“Eye’m talking to you: speakers’ gaze direction modulates co-speech gesture processing in the right MTG.”
Go home, cognitive neuroscience; you’re drunk.
“Are sharks even bothered by a noisy environment?” remains my favorite science headline. (I don’t know the answer.)
Oh lord. I start a new job next week, part of which entails writing snappy blog posts and headlines for extremely dry medical info, and I just know I’ll be going down this road within a month.
A Bar of Chocolate As Beneficial As A Grocery Cart of Kale
Coffee: No Longer A Misunderstood Vitamin
Tein In Tea Not The Cause Of Teeth Stains: We Were All Just Using Medieval Toothbrush Models
Chocolate Eggs Just As Nutritious As Regular Eggs, Multiple Studies Find
Bacteria’s Resistance to Anti-Biotics Actually Decreasing Across the Board; No New Drugs Necessary
You Actually *Will* Get the Face You Deserve as You Age and It’s Not Too Late to Start Being Nicer
Haha the bacteria one (turns away, sobs into tea)
Increased Consumption of Cookies Linked to Positive Mental Health
Steak is the New Kale
Raw Cooke Dough Consumption is totally fine- your mother is sorry she deprived you.
Ok but have you ever made no-egg cookie dough and just eaten the whole thing raw without experiencing an ounce of anxiety re: potential deadly infection? Because that is the best, man, such the best.
This one is my favorite recipe for big ol vat o’ cookie dough purposes – I always add a bit more salt & flour to taste, but your mileage may vary. You’re welcome.
#RAWEGGDOUGHEATERSFORLIFE
Study Shows Neglecting To Floss A Result Of Devoting Energy To Saving World, Not Laziness
Human Population Growth Expected To Cease and Gently Decline To 5 Billion By 2050, Without Coercion Or Catastrophe
Study Finds Ranchers And Apex Predators Becoming Best Of Friends
“Look at these 20 pictures of Ranchers and Apex Predators hugging each other in endearing ways! Absolutely none of them are trying to kill each other!”
“This apex predator saved an abandoned baby rancher! You’ll never guess what happened next!”
BREAKING: Munitions Worldwide Spontaneously Transmuting Into Flowers
Sugar Consumption Shown To Be Directly Related To Excellent Long Term Health Outcomes
Fuel Used To Travel To See Nature Doesn’t Count Towards Your Carbon Footprint, So Stop Worrying About Ironic Externalities And Go Hiking Already!
Yosemite Fire Goes Out All By Itself, Makes New Friends
Drinking Coffee is Fine, Not Drinking Coffee is Fine, Just Don’t Spill It On Me and We’re Good
Your Iron Deficiency Makes You More Adorable, Cooler Than Everyone Else
I had to close Twitter this morning because someone RT’d an article about ice caps and I knew if I didn’t close Twitter RIGHT NOW I’d read it and be unable to function until my therapy session after work.
“Ice Cap Not Melting, Just Wanted To See The World”
Ice Scientists Admit Embarrassing Mix-up; Percentage of Growing and Shrinking Glaciers Actually 98% And 2% Respectively
“We all blame Steve,” the chief Ice Scientist said in a press conference.
“White People ‘Just Joshing You’ For 400 Years, Admit They Took It Too Far: ‘Really Sorry About Everything,’ Plan To Make It Up To World”
(Oh god I cringed writing that. Staying in White Privilege character means even an apology would be awful.)
Women’s Fertility Actually Increases As They Age
But Only If They Want It To
Other health headlines for people wishing to have children:
Advanced Maternal Age Actually Has Nothing To Do With Horrible Genetic Mutations (“Focusing on your career right now and delaying childbearing until your late ’30’s is actually the best thing you could do – for yourself AND your baby,” says Leading Scientist.)
The U.S. Medical System Is Fixed And You Won’t Be Forced To Have An Unwanted C-Section For The Convenience Of Your Doctor
BREAKING: Pregnancy Isn’t Terrifying
By The Time You Have Kids, Society Will Be Super Accepting Of People On The Autism Spectrum, LGBT People, People With Visible And Invisible Disabilities, And Really All Manner Of Difference And Diversity
Also, Racism And Sexism Will Be Over
Also Over: That Whole Anti-Vax Thing (“Your kids won’t be getting polio, for sure! And neither will anyone else’s. Not here, not in Europe, not in Pakistan or Congo – we’ve pretty much fixed everything!” says Leading Public Health Expert)
Omg “BREAKING: Pregnancy Isn’t Terrifying” is killing me.
“Your Body Will Be Fine, From Both a Health and Aesthetic Perspective”
“Failsafe Cures for Post-partum Depression AND Morning Sickness Discovered, Turns Out To be 1-2 Glasses of Wine Per Day, and Don’t Worry, It Absolutely Will Not Hurt Your Baby and Nobody Will Judge You For It”
“Consuming Soft Cheeses And Sushi During Pregnancy Proven To Increase Mothers’ and Babies’ Intelligence, Experts Say”
God Invents Painless New Abortion Method For all Trimesters
“I’m Definitely Pro-Choice” Says God
“In the same interview, the Almighty Creator made it clear that judging women’s reproductive decisions and parenting choices is unacceptable across the board, a shocking blow to both anti-choice bigots and sanctimonious breastfeeding guerrillas, as well as general busybodies everywhere. ‘Honestly, I don’t understand why so many people are so invested in this kind of rhetoric, when it’s obvious that it’s predicated on an understanding of women as less than fully human,’ God sighed.”
Although scientists admit they don’t fully understand yet how it’s medically possible, apparently to terminate a pregnancy, a pregnant woman merely has touch any christian icons and express heartfelt desire to to end the pregnancy.
Mary Smith, 25 of Indiana said of her termination, “Well I was praying at sunday services, and in my head I was saying, ‘oh god I don’t think I can do this right now. I looked up and I’d swear, Jesus winked at me. Then these gold sparkles rose out of the top of my head, sort of like in a cartoon, and I felt great. I didn’t even know till two weeks later when my doctor told me that I wasn’t pregnant anymore what happened. It’s good because I felt so guilty that I wasn’t ready. But now, I know jesus has my back, I don’t even feel any guilt. I can’t wait to have a kid later when I’m ready.”
Asked for comment the pope shrugged and said, “I guess we know now! Life starts when the baby is actually able to live outside the woman’s body! What can you do, obviously we’re all just trying to understand the world based on imprecise understandings of what this really old book says.”
gold sparkles, yes
this is what abortion has been missing
::whines, makes grabby hands:: WANT.
Sallie Mae Burns to Ground, All Documentation Lost, Even the Backups
“We just have to forgive everyone’s loans by default, I guess” says CEO.
Shortage of English Majors Results in Six Figure Salaries for Those With This Highly Sought Degree
Chris Evans Cloning Successful, Including His Personality
<3 <3 <3
Oh my gosh, THESE. (sobs gently)
TOO REAL
Want. NEED.
All Those Earthquakes Were Because Of A Buried Ancient Mass Effect Drive, Now We Can All Go Into Space And Stop Using Fossil Fuels.
Women Sexiest After 30, Agree Sheepish Men. “We Were Just Trying To Sell Beauty Products,” They Claim.
Obscene Levels of Salt Consumption Actually Preserve The Organs And Lengthen Lifespan.
Hold on, I’m not actually that reassured by the mass effect drive that’s buried in the planet and causing earthquakes.
Also I’m pretty sure the second one is true too, (said the twenty-something).
New Sustainable Resource Developments Will Create Thousands of Well-Paying, Stable Jobs in Impovershed Areas with No Negative Environmental Impacts
Wishing Hard Enough Will Turn You Into Sabrina the Teenage Witch, As You’ve Always Suspected.
All Animals Are Happy and Well-Cared For.
Cheese and Bourbon Make Hair Lustrous, Except for Hair You Don’t Want, In Which Case They Prevent Its Growth Completely.
Everybody Orgasms.
“George River Caribou Herd Actually Numbers 300,000 – Oops, We Missed The Main Group” (regional to me, I really miss caribou)
“Grey Hair In Women A Proven Indicator Of Profitability – You Absolutely Should Hire Her”
The relief of reading all these headlines, however faux, was blissful. ::serene emoticon::
“Progress Report: Six Months After Misandrist Revolution, Hypothetical Headlines Are Becoming Truth”
Bees Just Went On A Group Vacation, Are Sorry For Worrying Everyone
This one is my favorite and now I’m gonna cry.
Controversial Study Published in Journal of Feline Behaviors (JFB) Confirms Belly Rub Rollover Technique is Definitely a Trap
The bees are fine now, scientists find. “They weren’t disappearing – just throwing us a party. A surprise party with honeycomb cupcakes!”
Drug resistant diseases effectively combated with tea, hugs and chocolate, new study finds.
Your lifestyle choices will result in perfect health. All of them.
Facebook & Google Have No Idea Where You Are Or What You Are Doing and Frankly, Aren’t Interested. –“We just got bored looking,” governments agree.
Internet Addiction: Good For Your Soclal Life, Productivity And Self-Esteem.
Oh lord. I start a new job next week, part of which entails writing snappy blog posts and headlines for extremely dry medical info, and I just know I'll be going down this road within a month.