Your body is a gift from the Triune Mother, and no matter which stage of Finding Your Womanhood you’re at, you owe it to her to treat that gift with respect and care. There’s no excuse for not looking your best at any age — whether you’re a Maiden who thinks your connection to enchantment and the waxing moon means you can get away with not washing your face before bed, a Mother who’s so busy influencing Jungian psychology you’ve forgotten to take care of your own shadow figure, or a Crone who thinks that just because she’s on the verge of completing the death-and-regeneration cycle it doesn’t matter what she wears. (Hint: it does.)
But you don’t have to break the bank or spend all day in front of the mirror in order to look like the Queen of Witches. We’ve figured out which products and rituals are absolutely necessary for your beauty regimen, and which ones you can ditch like the molted skin of the new Moon. Here’s a breakdown:
Maiden
A Maiden doesn’t need to work on her appearance, right? She just springs forth from the dew of a freshly-seeded field, wearing a crown of lilies and ready to signify enchantment, birth, and the waxing moon.
Wrong. Sure, youth forgives a multitude of sins. But you have to be able to keep up with the virtuous legions of the Virgin Hunt, robed and silent young women who wrestle stags under the light of each new moon. Laying around by the pool and ignoring your cuticles isn’t going to cut it.
Wear a hat every day — your skin should be as untouched by the sun as your body is untouched by the hand of unworthy men.
Be sure to drink plenty of water; once you’ve drunk from a particular river it gives you certain powers over the nymphs who dwell there. You can never command too many nymphs.
Mother
You’ve started caring for your Night Children; don’t forget to take care of yourself. How can you stand for fertility, ripeness, strength, authority, power, the full moon, and stability if you don’t remember to eat breakfast or brush your hair? White-haired Temple Slaves are slaying oxen for you at midnight all around the shores of the Endless Sea — when’s the last time you actually ate one?
Crone
You’ve made it, right? Now that you’re Queen of Witches and mistress of your own chthonic realm, you don’t have to answer to anybody or put on lipstick when you leave the house?
Wrong. Your appearance is more important at this stage than ever. How can you strike fear into the hearts of unfaithful husbands and inspire childless women if your cheeks and lips aren’t stained with calf’s blood? You’re a hag, but that doesn’t mean you get to look haggard. (If you’re still putting on concealer before your foundation, cut it out.)
The most important thing to remember in your Crone stage is to get enough sleep. It’s easy to lose track of time when you live in a dim and sunless chamber in the Cities of the Dead. Try tracking your sleep cycles. Eight hours is good. Nine hours is better. You’re the Empress of Winter, damnit. That’s the season of hibernation! If you’re not getting enough sleep, how do you expect your Bear Army to?
You might find yourself losing teeth at this point. That’s to be expected. Wear the teeth of others.
Tags: advice, beauty, crone, hecate, maiden, mother, the triple goddess
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*cackling witchily and jotting down notes*
“Your skin should be as untouched by the sun as your body is untouched by the hand of unworthy men” — This is actually pretty much how I live my life.
“Well, that guy was a jerk. I’m going to go play outside now.”
Sounds pretty great, to be honest.
it’s so true, I really /haven’t/ been considering the needs of my Bear Army like I should be lately.
If you have limited time with your bear army, make sure it’s quality time! Check for thorns in paws etc. that they may remember why they follow you, blow into the nostrils of new cubs that they know your will, and present them with a foolhardy youth that ye may rend together.
I’m perpetually confused by how to best use the tears of men as a skin care treatment (before washing my face, instead of toner, what?). However, I do command a large black cat. She’s not that great at chariot pulling, but great at waking the souls of the undead, or those who sleep past 6 am..
You muast to give her more treats, that she mae grow unto a size fitting for a carthorfe.
Naturally. However, in that she is a picky little familiar, there are factors to be considered in treat giving. I mean, have you tried sourcing organic cave fish raised on the last harvest of autumnal hops lately?
#whitewitchwhine
Oh, the tears of men work synergistically with every product in your skincare regimen!
I prefer to mix the tears of men with my favorite moisturizer, so they really sink into the skin. I’ve found that this is the best way to maintain my dewy, sick-of-your-shit complexion.
Incidentally, Wikipedia’s Triple Deity page is a fun read.
[exit, pursued by Bear Army]
Your second line is the best thing ever! <3
‘Wear the teeth of others’ is my new favorite beauty advice. Gotta remember to save it for when I reach Crone levels of witchiness. Should probably start collecting teeth now…
Definitely better to have a collection to choose from rather than trying to gather a bunch later on and having to accept whatever’s available.
Call me obsessive-compulsive, but I just get itchy if my dental adornments don’t comprise a conceptual set. Monday: teeth of impious men who thought peeking at the naked witchy revels was a good idea; Tuesday: baby teeth of adorable children, lovingly gathered from under their pillows; Wednesday: discarded fangs of feline predators offered willingly to their goddess … you get the picture.
That makes complete sense. I would be judging myself (never mind wondering who else was judging me) if there wasn’t a theme.
No one else can judge you but the great mother, and she is distracted by her amazing hat.
Like pearls: you don’t want to end up wearing the same tooth choker all the time.
Ke$ha, with her her tooth bra, is clearly ahead of the game.
you can have some of my spares. I keep them in a jar. I would be kidding, but I’m deeply not kidding, and as ever the warning here is NOT TO GO TO ART SCHOOL.
subject: maiden problems
dear mallory, I am embarrassed to have to write you this letter as I am a goddess and should be able to resolve my own difficulties but I am in need of recommendations for foundation garments, brassieres specifically, please see attached photo, sincerely Artemis of Ephesus
http://www.kunstkopie.de/kunst/roman/artemis_ephe…
Good Goddess, Artemis, how do you draw your bow?
Sincerely,
Hippolyta of the magical girdle
More boobs, more problems.
Now I’m thinking of that awful joke about “why do they call it a waist?” 🙁
where is my lily crown? I feel cheated.
You receive the lily crown only after you have killed a bull with your hands in equal combat.
Yeah, I don’t know about this business. It seems to me that as long as a woman’s got a well-oiled thoracic carapace, healthy, responsive venom sacs, and keeps the edges of her radula trimmed and sharp, then she’s going to look good no matter what phase of life she’s in — larval, maiden, mother, crone, imago, &c.
I actually recommend palm oil for keeping the carapace shiny and healthy, but you got to make sure you find the kind that make without killing orangutans.
In a pinch, you can use ghee! I know it might not seem cruelty-free, but when you’re out making cows go dry so they can have a moment’s rest from the endless cycle of full, calving, milking, full, calving, milking – be sure to take a little reward for yourself.
Yeah, it’s especially helpful if your very presence results in the birth of an excess of bicephalic calves; the cows tend to over-produce when that happens.
Bicephalic calf dung is an acceptable substitute for many of the less obtainable ingredients in the “summoning apparitions to tell terrible prophecy” potion! Try using it instead of dog tongues, adder’s fork, and howlet wings! Your potion will be lower in fat, which is important to maintaining a gaunt visage with hollowed eyes!
You might think that the Crone body just comes naturally with age, but if you want perfect withered dugs, it requires YEARS of sleeping in a bra. Start today!
For the dowager’s hump, you might think that the transition between the Raised Arms Pose and the Standing Forward Fold Pose is the perfect way to encourage growth – but it actually increases mobility and strength. Instead, obtain a “laptop” and comment on v. clever articles while lying in bed with your head propped up. Also, don’t skimp on having children, even when there is nae milk nor kelp.
If you want to practice the “lazy eye that sees all” start working with Magic Eye pictures and then focusing that gaze on men.
I think I might love you.
It’s the dugs, right? I’m working pretty hard on getting them to sag fetchingly.
A++, would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
How on earth have you made me love my least favorite boob word ever?
Can I just skip right to crone form?
Crone form takes a lifetime to achieve! But you can hasten it by having poor posture, eating lots of sugar and cake, bearing endless children, not replacing teeth when they betray you, getting sick often, and owning many many cats. Many prospective crones forget that a genial expression results in genial wrinkles, so don’t forget to scowl! Good luck!
Plus smoking. Lots of smoking.
The holy fire of the Goddess lights you from within and leave your body via the smoke of sacred herbs! How could I forget!
My grandma smoked, and… yes. Yes, looking at photos of her at the same age as my mom are pretty good evidence that smoking is… a shortcut to crone form. Also cancer, eventually!
THIS IS THE BEST ARTICLE EVER.
This is the kind of article on the Toast that reminds me that I should be saving these somewhere to show my (now 1 year old) daughter when she’s old enough to appreciate them.
With some cunning, you'll only need to outrun your sister. Then the Furies, but the Bear Army will have served as a warm-up.
My mom collected my teeth and then GAVE them to me. I still have them, along with my wisdom teeth.
Moms are the best.
Now I'm thinking of that awful joke about "why do they call it a waist?" 🙁
Wait, foundation goes UNDER concealer? WHAT have I being doing to myself?!
I know I'm on The Toast when I can't decide if I love the content or the comments more.
You’e a goddamned national treasure, Mallory. I have finally found a place where all the stuff I love; feminism, spinsterhood, history, art and mythology can combine Voltron-like into a beast of pure intellectual, don’t-give-a-fuckness (TM). Thank you for making me feel like there is somewhere amongst the general horror of the internet where I feel like a normal person.
OMG!! Wickedly funny!