The Answer’s Never Yes When You Want It To Be -The Toast

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If you don’t click on the link, you can pretend she said “yes.”

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I was warned not to click the link and did it anyway, life is now ashes
1 reply · active 543 weeks ago
National Geographic doesn't know their hearts!
But were they bisexual? Nobody ever mentions us polysexuals and I want my glorious horse-riding pants-wearing weed-smoking warrior wife so bad, you guys.
2 replies · active 543 weeks ago
Have you considered Montana?
my glorious horse-riding pants-wearing weed-smoking warrior wife

Never have I wanted something so much without ever having thought of it before now.
"A question I have been dying to ask: Who invented trousers?" That's what you've been dying to ask? It's not some genius invention, if A didn't invent pants, B would have.
10 replies · active 543 weeks ago
Oh man, but the history of pants is so cool! If it weren't for all those Visigoths and German horsemen, all of us in the Western world would still be wearing togas.

Fun pants fact: When the Romans were warring with the Suebi and other tribes along the Rhine, young people in Rome used to dress like German tribesmen - tight leather pants and big-ass mustaches. So Augustus' Rome looked a lot like Bushwick.

Pants!
You're right, the history of anything is probably fascinating. Maybe I just got a bad taste in my mouth from a Section Heading asking who invented trousers. Or maybe the word trousers leaves that bad taste--very musty-starchy. "Pants" taste fine though.
I know, after a silly little war with America, the British decided to change everything about their pronunciation so they wouldn't sound like the provincials who just sent them packing. Seems like an overreaction, but whad'ya gonna do.

I tried to buy a pair of pants in London, and the cashier wouldn't ring them up until I called them trousers. Dumb foggy island.
Um. Pants refer to underwear in Britain.
Wait, you had them right there, and the cashier refused to sell them to you because of what you were calling them? I know words mean different things in different places, but surely the physical presence of the clothing item in question should have been enough to clear up any ambiguity.
Yeah, it's kind of amazing when you think about it, because pants were actually not the norm at all throughout the ancient world. The fact that people wear them at all is a weird fluke of European history.
Europeans were never very good at clothes. They just wore wool. In the winter, they wore a lot of wool. In the summer, they wore very little wool. The wool was not washed. The Persians, the Phoenicians, and the Egyptians all visited while wearing loose, light fabrics, and nobody picked up on how much better that was for managing the heat. The Persians just made a boat load of money selling wool nobody else wanted to Western Europe.
UGH kill A & B let's wear togas.
The Scythian women invented trousers. We've already discussed this here: http://the-toast.net/2014/08/07/wearing-pants-bri...
7 replies · active 543 weeks ago
Between helping Jason win the Golden Fleece, killing and dismembering her brother, getting married and having kids, murdering her kids and her husband's new fiancee, and finally flying away in a chariot pulled by dragons, when would Medea even have had time to invent pants?
Medea was an excellent multitasker. As are all murderous witches. You get a fancy planner as a reward for paying your membership fee (the blood of one to seven catcalling males).
SPEAKING (very loosely of) MEDEA, have y'all seen the cover for Sarah McCarry's new book? Apparently it's loosely based on the Medea myth, and unlike this article, the answer is YES LESBIANS: http://sarahmccarry.tumblr.com/post/101256344261/...
i misread this as "SPEAKING (very loudly)" and was like, yes that is the correct way to speak of her
Medea: the one woman who had it all
She murdered her brother and chopped him into pieces to distract her dad while she was eloping, and then Jason is SURPRISED when she does the poison cape/dead children/ chariot pulled by dragons.

I mean, maybe he could be surprised by the dragons. Imagine keeping your dragon chariot up your sleeve for X years of marriage. Bewitching.
1 reply · active 543 weeks ago
I know people like Medea and all, but as a little brother...

RUDE.
Oh, I love you.

Way to dismiss a kick-ass invention, person who is probably in that link I didn't click on!
In that picture of the ancient Amazons sitting around their campfire we also have to include men.

Do we? Do we really?
5 replies · active 543 weeks ago
Kindling is expensive.
Men are in charge of making sure the marshmallow supply doesn't run low.
The NatGeo link has what may be the greatest URL in the whole history of URLS. Scythians-Hunger Games-Herodotus-Ice Princess-Tattoo-Cannabis FTW.
1 reply · active 543 weeks ago
I agree. Shut down the internet, we've reached the end.
I am not clicking on that link. If I do not click on that link, the Amazonian lesbians will exist and yet not exist. Like Schrödinger's lesbians, they will forever be a possibility.
2 replies · active 543 weeks ago
"Schrödinger's lesbian" might have just won the internet.
It always comes down to someone's box.
Today I Learned:
Everything I knew about Amazons was wrong.

Hooray!
She murdered her brother and chopped him into pieces to distract her dad while she was eloping, and then Jason is SURPRISED when she does the poison cape/dead children/ chariot pulled by dragons.

I mean, maybe he could be surprised by the dragons. Imagine keeping your dragon chariot up your sleeve for X years of marriage. Bewitching.
1 reply · October 30, 2014 05:04:34
I know people like Medea and all, but as a little brother...

RUDE.
Idk, I kind of like the idea of a tattooed, pot-smoking warrior woman getting some d and then casting her man aside like so much chaff, riding off into the steppe on her trusty steed.
3 replies · active 543 weeks ago
...wearing pants.
Wearing THE pants, amiright?
Wearing ALL THE PANTS.
Karl Lauer's avatar

Karl Lauer · 543 weeks ago

Heinrich von Kleist totally called that Penthesilea hat the hots for Achilles, and then she unintentionally tore him apart in combat.
Every comment on this article is so great. Who needs the real article anyway? I'll be over here with my tattooed bow-slinging warrior sisters, ignoring NatGeo.
"They described them as lovers of men, actually. Man-killers—and man lovers."

Welp, I can die now, my tombstone quote is finally sorted.
YOU GUYS, the ancient situation is really a lot more complicated than Mayor's making out here. In the first place, there's a LOT less evidence from the ancient world for female homosexuality than there is for male homosexuality. Really, there are only a few scraps. BUT there's also a long tradition of those who are oblivious about and/or hostile towards female homoeroticism interpreting ancient texts, so subtler hints towards girl-on-girl sexiness have often gone ignored. What Mayor doesn't mention here is that there IS a whole bunch of homosexiness surrounding Amazons in ancient literature, particularly **Roman** literature (and the popular imagination doesn't associate Romans with Amazons to the same extent as Greeks, but Roman literature gets so many of its cues from Greek literature, a lot less of which survives) - but it isn't explicit. Nonetheless, there's a nexus in the ancient imagination between Amazons & huntresses, which means you get a bunch of composite huntress-Amazon-companion of Diana type figures, and many of these women are portrayed as rejecting sex with men & hanging out in the woods together.
read what Mayor actually said: "The one interesting artistic bit of evidence for [Amazon lesbians] that I did find is a vase that shows a Thracian huntress giving a love gift to the Queen of the Amazons, Penthesilea. That's a strong indication that at least someone thought of the idea of a love affair between Amazons. But just because we don't have any written evidence and only that one unique vase doesn't preclude that Amazons might have had relations with each other."
Wait, you had them right there, and the cashier refused to sell them to you because of what you were calling them? I know words mean different things in different places, but surely the physical presence of the clothing item in question should have been enough to clear up any ambiguity.

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