In what city were you first kissed by a person who would later never return your calls, break your heart, and cost you undue amounts of therapy?
How many people do you wish you could unfollow on Twitter but can’t because it would be a thing?
we (Mallory) demand satisfaction and this man will live to regret his actions
NOPE, never invite anyone to a product party, do not get involved in MLM schemes, stop talking about fuckin’ DoTerra essential oils on Facebook, the only things you should sell out of your home are recreational drugs that people buy because they genuinely want to, not bc they feel awkward bc you made them seven-layer dip, and you are their BOSS, come on:
My manager invited me, and everyone else in the office, to a product party which is her home business. It’s not a business that I care about or would want to make any purchases from. Yet I feel that there is pressure to go – it seems that “everyone else” is going and I’m pretty sure that “everyone else” will make purchases (at least one co-worker already has). I legitimately can’t go (I’m not making up an excuse) but I feel already that I’m part of the “out group” since I can’t be there. Is it right for a manager to invite her direct reports to her home business party?
#realtalk often web editors do not read entire longform pieces before linking to them, just get far enough in to find a good blockquote, but i read all of this one
“I Was Taught to Be Grateful for Catcalls”:
A week later, another afternoon, I waited outside the dentist’s office in Berkeley for my father to pick me up. A Honda accord came blazing down the street with its horn on cruise control. A hand popped out the sunroof, waving madly, and I stepped away from the curb, fearful — for all I knew the driver had lost control of his car and seemed to be coming straight at me. But there was a break in its erraticism. Only a foot or so from me, the Honda slid into control and cruised by, two men gleamed over their sunglasses at my legs in shorts and my high school basketball team sweatshirt. They kept on bravely, no hesitation in the car speed, no indication that they might have felt guilt for frightening me. They’d been satiated and I remembered to be grateful. They thought I was pretty, after all, and had risked their lives showing it.
Artie Lange had a lot of gross shit to say about Cari Champion on Twitter.
The Doughnut King of California:
Yet Mr. T’s is more than it appears. It is one link in a network of nearly 1,500 independent doughnut shops that anchor strip malls and brighten main streets from San Ysidro to Arcata, and that for more than three decades have pummeled chains like Winchell’s, Krispy Kreme, and, during its first California expansion, Dunkin’ Donuts. Perhaps the most surprising thing about these ubiquitous shops, and a significant contributor to their resilience, is that almost all of them are owned by Cambodian Americans.
is this too much to wear to outback steakhouse for my birthday pic.twitter.com/3OXRFmfp9W
— official wwe pilot (@pilotbacon) November 5, 2014
UGH. MLM SCHEMES. I know a bunch of women who are big into those and it’s all I can do not to yell THIS IS A SCAAAAAM all the time. Scentsy, Jamberry, Stella and Dot, Arbonne, Thirty One, Lia Sophia, those fucking wrap things (A WRAP WILL NOT MAKE YOU THIN), Epicure, whatever the fuck, you name it. And like….okay. Stop harassing everyone you know to buy shit from you. No one wants your crappy cut-rate jewelry or whatever, and you’re not going to get rich doing it. I don’t care what the ad said. And these things tend to prey on women who are struggling for extra money to begin with, and just it’s a horrid horrid scenario all around. Like, my cousin who lives 700 miles away keeps inviting me to a friend of hers’ Jamberry parties. NO. STOP THIS. NO.
However, that dress is the 100% correct thing to wear to Outback. So yes.
Agreed. My sweetie, all innocent-like, told me we were invited to a Pampered Chef party his co-worker was throwing, and doesn’t that sound fun? A get-together with food! How charming! Should we go? And I told him FUCK and NO and he was all surprised at my vehemence, so I got to explain how eternal and uncomfortable and pressurey these “parties” are, and for good measure, bridal and baby showers and UUUGGGH and why do guys not have to do this crap. I guess his co-worker should at least get points for inviting the men too. Misery and peer pressure for all!
When boyfriend and I were first dating he had a bunch of his friends over for board games. And a tupperware party. So not only was I meeting his friends for the first time but I also had to sit through a presentation of overpriced products that I had no intention of buying because I vehemently disagree with the company’s structure (and also because they’re overpriced). I don’t know how I didn’t dump him but i told him on no uncertain terms that would never happen again.
Tupperware?! Is your boyfriend a suburban housewife circa 1983??
Though in defense of Tupperware, I think my ma has a few pieces left from a party she got guilt-tripped into attending 30 years ago and they’re still in good shape.
I will buy Tupperware, it is expensive but I’ll get some use out of it and help my friends who sell it a bit. Still don’t like parties though.
More defense of Tupperware, but only in the past. I have elderly relatives who tell me that a long time ago Tupperware was the best alternative for food storage. They remember a time when you had aluminum foil, canning jars, and Tupperware. That’s it. Earliest Tupperware filled a legit need. No longer, of course, now that Rubber Maid has blown open the market for affordable kitchen plastics.
oh, but canning jars are the best! Especially if you can just screw the top on and then put them in the fridge, basically like a glass version of a tupperware.
Whereas I am constantly worried I am poisoning myself and loved ones by using tupperware. We are big on leftovers, and we are slowly transitioning into pyrex and the “good” kind of plastic (but is it?), but it takes awhile because we are thrifty, and meanwhile I think of my s.o.’s probable dropping semen count from BPA poisoning and my own hormone levels and also the way the Roman Empire went down the tubes after they made all the water pipes and dinner plates out of lead and people suddenly started having sex orgies (check out Julia, Emperor Tiberius’s wife, having an orgy on the speaker’s platform in the Forum and nakedly offering sex to all comers, including total strangers) and generally going mad… oy vey!
“and people suddenly started having sex orgies”
If this is one of the symptoms of Tupperware poisoning I think lots of us are safe.
My favorite Tupperware party was the one I went to that was hosted by a drag queen. She gave great presentations, and really loved the product. I still have the orange peeler I got as a party favor.
The infamous lesbian folksinger Phranc was also the best Tupperware seller of all time. The more you know!
A girl in my hs graduating class wore a pink version of that dress to prom and we all laughed at it behind her back because we were terrible people. Now that I’m older and wiser all I want is a dress like that and ample opportunities to wear it.
While I keep trying to keep in mind that all these MLM schemes are indicative of a lack of affordable childcare and flexible work options (most of the people blowing up my newsfeed with sales parties are stay-at-home moms), I’m at the point of exasperation with all this nonsense. Friends and family: I am not your potential client. Stop trying to sell to me.
And it’s doubly bad when they’re selling oils.
This is so true. I do sympathize with the stay-at-home mom I know who is just looking for an outlet beyond kids and a paycheck of her own but goddamn it, Thirty One purses are ridiculously overpriced. It’s just awkward all around. (And now I have this ugly Thirty One purse…)
Oh man, my best friend from elementary school is heavy into DoTerra, to the point where she insists it takes the place of medicine for her kids’ ills.
She FB messaged me earlier this year, asking if I’d join her in selling these oils, and it was all I could do not to write back all shouty, NO FLIPPIN’ WAY, THIS IS A TOTAL SCAM.
My future mother-in-law’s initials are MLM, and she is a DoTerra fiend! I mean that in the sweetest way possible, because while she believes very strongly in it, and will maybe give you some as a gift, she would never dream of using high pressure sales tactics. If only all MLMs were like her. Also, she respects the fact that I take actual medicine for my ongoing medical needs, and I respect the fact that lemon tea and honey is actually quite nice when one is sick, and if she wants to buy ESSENTIAL LEMON OIL and put drops of it in things or a gargle a mystery–to me–blend called THIEVES (for stealing the sickness? I don’t know) to numb a sore throat for who knows how much, it can’t hurt. I’m sorry if your friend’s using it to the complete exclusion of modern medicine though. 🙁
IF YOU ARE INTERESTED: Theives Oil is called that because it’s attached to a story about a band of thieves who operated in France during one of the black plague epidemics who would rob the houses in which all the occupants had died, and used an herbal vinegar concoction to prevent themselves from getting sick. It’s probably entirely made up, no one agrees on how they actually used it, no one agrees on what was in it, and it was probably some sort of vinegar-based mix not an oil anyway.
When I was a kid I had loads of crappy jewelry that my mom would bring home from sales parties. I was pleased because it was free stuff for me, but it never occurred to me until this moment that my mom was just buying it to be nice to her obnoxious friends.
Well, to be nice to her annoying friends, and also because her daughter really loved that crappy jewelry and she probably got a whole lotta satisfaction out of bringing you joy 🙂
I have a genetic switch that turns on when I get invited to these parties. Like, I suddenly just do not give any fucks about being polite or playing that passive-aggressive game of feeling pressured. I will go or not go, depending on my whim and the likelihood of good food, but I will not feel even the slightest bit of pressure to buy, and I don’t apologize for it at all. This is completely different from my normal personality, which is kind of sad now that I think about it. Maybe attending these parties is helping me to be my Best Self (TM)?
That being said, once at a party I bought a really cool silver locket with a dragon on it.
Yes. I’m a very nice person! Probably sometimes too nice, especially at work. But I grew up in the suburbs and have been getting invited to this shit since I was literally 14 and now I just say “no thanks!” anytime I get invited to one of these and it feels awesome.
One of my students sicced a Mary Kay lady on me and I have never forgiven her (that’s legit you say! But wait, the lady spent half the time talking about the business model and trying to get me to join MK sales)
In MLM, that’s really how people make money – by roping in others to sell, not in selling lots of products.
God, those fucking wraps. Two people I know sell those. It takes just basically all of my restraint to not just yell “NO THIS WON’T WORK IT IS NOT SCIENCE!” all of the time.
Someone in my office has put up flyers about their Bullshit Miracle Wraps and I take GREAT PLEASURE in flipping them backwards so they cannot be read. (If you read the Toast, sorry not sorry.)
I hate this company! Someone I respected very much in high school got into this after dropping out of NYU and I’m like “WHY did you waste all that potential on this shitty company?!”
They also have this weird financial freedom Dave Ramsey bent to them that on one hand I find refreshing that they’re up front about trying to make money (unlike Mary Kay parties which are usually billed as ‘just gals getting together for some pampering’) but on the other hand I don’t believe anyone makes 20k a month from those wraps.
Thirty-One is the one I keep getting invites for from people I used to know in like, HIGH SCHOOL. Stop inviting your whole facebook feed to things! I wish there was a button you could push to tell Facebook “if someone invites their entire feed, automatically ignore it.”
I’m also especially annoyed by Thirty-One invites because everything the company does is couched in this “good Christian women” rhetoric, so you feel pressured not only by sales at these parties, but also by religious women who want you to buy kitschy quilted bags because Jesus Christ.
Jesus doesn’t want you to buy ugly purses. Just like he doesn’t care about who wins Chopped.
“It’s not a job. You don’t even have to do anything and you can make tonnes of money. All you have to do is talk about ______ constantly, in every conversation to everybody you meet, all the fucking time. See? I can even arrange a meeting with a couple who made two million dollars last year through _______. I told them about you, and they’re very excited to meet you.”
Someone sent me a facebook invitation to a wrap party AS I WAS READING HTIS
omg my sister is hosting a big fundraiser for her team for the American Heart Association Heart Walk so she brought together what I THOUGHT were a bunch of small women owned businesses for one day of Shop for a Cause where you pay $5 to get in, you can buy raffle tickets for stuff, and a portion of the proceeds from each seller goes to her team so the idea is “get some holiday shopping down while you support a good cause etc etc!” but I read the companies you listed and was hit with this sinking feeling and ALMOST EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE MLM SCHEMES YOU MENTIONED IS GOING TO BE THERE AT THAT FUNDRAISER. I feel so betrayed! I already promised her I would volunteer and was thinking about buying some things but was also worried because I looked at some of the products and they are EXPENSIVE and I just don’t think that many people are going to show up as a result and she won’t make any money for her team. but also, is the AHA even a good thing to donate to?!?! like do they actually do good things?! do they spend their donations wisely?!?! I have no idea! I have no idea if she has any idea!
She’s also done Cabi parties in the past (also v. expensive), I thought it was a woman who designed the clothes and made them herself then I checked once I picked up my jacket from her and the tag said Made in China.
It breaks my friggin heart that my sister is basically one of those women who sell things to friends now when she HAS A FULL TIME JOB ALREADY THAT SHE IS GOOD AT AND WHERE SHE MAKES GOOD MONEY. Also that she is not a feminist. That also makes me sad.
Sorry I had a detective breakthrough moment followed quickly by a rush of sad feels. How do I fix this
I know that this is like a day late but I just wanted to let you know that I’m fairly sure AHA is good people, I know a lot of scientists who have funding from them (and I’m hoping to be one of them as well!) so at least I know they’re spending a good deal of money on science.
My opinion might change based on the outcome of my fellowship application though.
that actually does make me feel a lot better, thank you 🙂 yay science!!!
i know this comment is REALLY late, but i just wanted to say that i still haven’t figured out what MLM stands for in this context, and i have been interpreting it as Men who Love Men. That is all.
MLM here means Multi Level Marketing. The idea is that you get rich not by selling products, but by recruiting other people into your scam and selling them your stuff. So if Sue becomes an Epicure consultant and buys $200 worth of stuff to sell, she makes maaaybe $300 total, but if she recruits five other people to sell Epicure and they all buy $200 of stuff from her to sell, she’s doing way better. Additionally, you’re supposed to “monetize connections” so sell this shit to your friends, neighbours, and coworkers, who will presumably feel guilted into a purchase.
Come on, SHEEPLE, Artie Lange is just EDGY! Stop being the PC BRIGADE!!!1111
Jesus fucking christ, this is where Ripley says, “I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit” (no, but seriously, is that actually an option? can we do that because I think we should do that.)
What, I can’t tell a black woman that I want her TO BE MY SLAVE AND DO GROSS SEX STUFF TO HER on her PUBLIC TWITTER ACCOUNT where everyone can see it these days? The PC police are ruining everything!!!
I hate everyone.
HAHA, but in his fantasy, SHE beats HIM, and so it’s not gross, it’s funny! Because it’s incongruous! Because it never happened that way! Only the other kind of beatings! DO YOU NOT GET THE JOKE? Shall I explain it again?
I also like how Lange is all, “but this is how I make my living! Waaaah, my actions have consequences that negatively impacted me! Must be a first amendment issue! Clearly others are to blame for restricting my freedom to douchebag!”
What an asshat.
I am staying off the @midnight FB page & IG account for a while. Every comment is now “You bumped Artie?!! Shame on you, Comedy Central/Chris Hardwick! I’m never watching again.” God, come on, humanity, he is just the worst and his tweets deserve to have repercussions. He probably would have been really bad on the show anyways.
How is he a comedian, even outside the fucked-upness there’s no joke there. Fifteen-year-old Nazis on Youtube have better comic delivery, is his whole thing method-acting being a disgusting idiot slob, is this the newest and laziest sasha baron cohen character
“every liberal idiot calls anything a guy does harassment .” says a male commenter
Because it is harassment, and we aren’t putting up with that BS any more.
I remember when I was younger my sense of politeness was so ingrained that I would never be rude to a guy who was harassing me and Im so glad that Im growing out of it and I can now tell these guys to fuck right off because it is so messed up that our society tells these guys that it is ok to freak out a woman in this way, and that women have to be polite and grateful for it.
Your boner is not a privilege, douchey guys!
I wish I could go back in time and teach middle school me that lesson. Maybe all middle school girls.
YEP this resonates with me – I used to be so afraid to call anyone out on their shit that I’d let them get away with it. Now I yell.
http://captainawkward.com/2014/06/06/notes-from-a…
It’s kind of embarrassing to admit, but I’m in my 30s, and I’m still working on this.
Oh me too. It’s hard! I know I said I tell them to fuck right off but actually it is more of an icily polite and firm “Sorry I am not interested”. We will get there.
It is SO hard! Maybe we need “What Would The Toast Do?” bracelets. 😉
Meanwhile if a gay male comedian had said similar things about male commenter (even though male commenter is probably white and therefore we can’t even get into the whole racial aspect!!), he would absolutely lose his shit to the nth degree. Because that is “different!” He doesn’t want to have sex with gay male comedian at all! o_o
I had an entertaining time last week antagonizing dudes who wanted to tell Facebook that actually, they say hello to everyone, and whither friendliness, etc.
I just think all these greeting fetishists should leave normal people alone.
Maybe if men would stop harassing women, we could stop calling their actions harassment.
Ugh there was this guy on the street the other day
When I was walking to work at 5 am
And I told him to fuck off and stop being a creep
And he was all like “We’re not all bad guys, you know,”
And I was like “Dude. I am calling SPECIFICALLY YOU out on YOUR SPECIFIC BEHAVIOR.”
So that happened
If they’re for something I’d use anyway, I love product parties! Yup, I’m That Asshole.
No, that’s fine – you can be the Toast’s official Product Party Stand In!
I think if a) they are for something that you know you’d use anyway and/or b) they involve people you’d like to go to a party with anyway.
They are awkward and horrible if they are for things that you don’t want or with people you wouldn’t normally hang out with. I think that’s part of why the work ones are so bad.
Totally agreeing with you! I’ve been to my share of these parties and always with friends, never co-workers; I would go for the appies, stay for whatever crap the “friend of a friend” is hawking and revel in the tackiness of my fellow party-goers.
(Truth be told, I have purchased items (Stella and Dot, Silpadia) that I found charming and/or dramatic and when worn, always got compliments. So I guess not all of that stuff is crap?)
Tattoo Stories!!!
Not sure if you guys already linked to this but I don’t think I saw it.. these stories are amazing, especially Mona Eltahawy’s (which is still giving me goosebumps). http://www.newyorker.com/culture/culture-desk/tat…?
I love tattoos, and how they aren’t necessarily something you’re supposed to want and love forever on your body, but more a symbol of where you were at the point in time when you got the tattoo… something you will always carry with you as well.
Any of us have interesting tattoo stories? I have a number of tattoos, but one of my favorites is an 11 on my wrist, which I got recently. It’s an homage to my mom (who not surprisingly hates tattoos) – she always carried this die cut keychain with an 11 on it throughout my childhood. I asked her one day what it was, and she said – so matter-of-fact – that it was for the 11th commandment, which for her is “thou shalt not take thyself too seriously.” We’re cut from the same cloth, so the reminder to chill out and the reminder of her and her wisdom seemed like an appropriate tattoo earlier in the year when I was really wading through the shit.
Not a tattoo story, but this morning my mom gchatted me, “dreamt you got a new tattoo. are you getting a new one or did you get one?” She used to be vehemently anti-tattoo, so I love how chill she is about it.
I’m not sure any of mine are all that interesting as stories – my back is covered in my own design that stemmed from the doodles I used to cover my school exercise books in, I’ve got my horse’s name in Iranian calligraphy on one side of my ribcage and a calligraphic poem in the shape of a horse’s head, also in Iranian, on the other side. And a pony’s head on my shoulder.
I love your 11 story!
What I’m hearing from you is that you really like horses. And calligraphy.
Well, horses yes, and then I saw this by Jila Peacock, and that sparked an idea – but all my tattoos are my own designs, so I searched for ages for a horsey poem that meant something to me, and then got one of my relatives to translate it into Farsi, and did my own.
That is stunning. Well done. Are you happy with how your artist handled the design?
Very! We did it with a stencil as it was so involved, but I love it. It says “When God created the horse, he said to the magnificent creature: I have made thee as no other. All the treasures of the earth shall lie between thy eyes. Thou shalt cast thy enemies between thy hooves, but thou shalt carry my friends upon they back. Thy saddle shall be the seat of prayers to me. And thou fly without any wings, and conquer without any sword.”
Excellent. I particularly like the swoop between the ears.
Gorgeous!
i know this is late, but your tattoo is the most beautiful one i’ve ever seen! stunning.
Aw,thankyou! I love it. It’ s hard to get a photo of as it moves as I breathe or move my arms, I need to get some proper pics done of it.
I love that commandment, and I may adopt it, if you don’t mind.
I only have one tattoo, and I didn’t get it until I was 36. I have the Penguin Books oval penguin logo at the base of my spine; it’s half sentimental and half a joke. We always had loads of those early Penguins (with the orange banded covers) in my house, and one of my very earliest memories is flipping through them and being mystified by all of those dense, tiny words that were apparently about a penguin, but no pictures that would give me a hint as to his story. Oh my god, the YEARNING to know about the penguin. So I’ve loved them ever since, and still collect the really early ones. For years I wanted a tattoo of the logo, but I could never decide where I wanted it to go, until one day I realized that book logos go at the base of the spine, duh. I always forget it’s there, but every once in a while I’ll catch a glimpse of it in the mirror and it makes me laugh.
Being an art director, I brought a Pantone chip and the Penguin logo specs with me when I had it done, so PLEASE DON’T SUE ME, PENGUIN/RANDOM HOUSE.
AHHH! this is fantastic!!! everything about it, it’s just…. guh. fantastic. And please, feel free to borrow the commandment and spread the wisdom. Not sure why having a tattoo serve as a reminder makes the reminder so much more potent, but it does.
Ha, thanks! For the well-timed wisdom, too. I needed it today re: something work-related and stupid. :/
This article gets at “who owns” a tattoo, though from the other side — i.e., can a tattoo artist claim that the tattoo is their IP: http://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-rausti…
(I have been wondering about this for years, especially tattoos like yours, that use a corporate logo or registered trademark. I should probably find something new to worry about.)
No, don’t do that! I worry about things like this all the time, especially being on the design side of publishing. Great article; thanks!
The book is coming in the same shipment as Karen Solie’s “Pigeon,” Mallory Ortberg’s “Texts from Jane Eyre,” and Saeed Jones’ “Prelude to Bruise,” and I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO IT IMMENSELY.
I have three, and the first one is a dumb one I got when I was 19. (Ok, it’s not that dumb, it’s a dragon. It’s just kind of poorly done, and I wish I had waited and gotten an AMAZING dragon.)
I have W.B. Yeats’s gyres on one wrist because he’s my favorite and I didn’t want lines of poetry.
My latest (about a year old now) is for my grandfather. He used to wear different bolo ties all the time, so when he passed away, my grandmother made us teddy bears out of his clothes and we each got one of the ties. Mine is a scrimshaw one with a clipper ship on it. I got the clipper ship tattooed on my other wrist. It’s amazingly well done and it’s my very favorite.
I met my husband in grad school – we were pals for the first two semesters, and became close near the end of the third, when it was apparent we would both likely be dropping out. We were supposed to peer review each others’ papers, and I fucked off and went to Pilates instead (I told him this). In class, we all paired up to review and in lieu of comments he had taped a picture of an albertosaurus saying “where’s Foucault?” onto my paper. We married about two years later, and shortly afterwards got the outline of that dinosaur tattooed on the inside of our left ankles.
I have four:
1. The Summoning Dark on the inside of my right bicep. For reasons that should be obvious. Gotten after a very bad patch
2. The outline of my mountain bike frame on my right calf (that’s the gimpy leg and I’m reclaiming it). I like it because it’s easy to tell what it is if you’re a cyclist but it’s also an otherwise nifty design. Because bikes.
3. Artistic renderings of some silicate molecules on my ribs to commemorate my geology degree.
4. A street map of the city of Pittsburgh that sort of transmogrifies into some wooshy Japanese-style waves on my chest and shoulder. This is my biggest one and I love love love the way it came out. You can check it out at my tattoo guy’s web site here: http://nicholasrobertmoore.wordpress.com/2014/09/…
THE SUMMONING DARK
that is ballsy.. well not really for Roundworld but I def respect it. 😉
Very nice #4 tattoo – also now require pictures of #s1-3.
Ok here’s #1: http://bit.ly/1uBQTqN
And #2: http://bit.ly/10tedt8
I don’t have any electronic versions of my geology tattoo, that’s how long ago I got it! Yikes!
Those are very nice, thanks for sharing!
I really want to see #3! I’m getting my geology degree in May of this year (ahhhhhh!!) and I kinda want to get something pretty/nerdy and involving geology tattooed on me.
Upper arm – I have a lighthouse for Virginia Woolf, a woman holding a clock with the words We Shall All Be Healed, a rabbit because rabbits. Other upper arm – an illustration from A Series of Unfortunate Events (Damocles Dock). Bluebells on the back of my neck which my little sister also has, a pony on my ribcage because growing up I loved to ride horses before I had my spine operation, two shitty kitchen tattoos (ankle and back) that I am going to get covered, and a stick and poke of a dog bone on my ankle that my ex girlfriend did because I missed my dog. I probably need to get that one covered too.
Only one tattoo so far. It’s my University’s old logo on my calf. It felt like a pretty bro-ey move, but I loved my college years and my university (and spent a year as its mascot, which the logo represents), so I decided to go for it.
Unfortunately my tattoo artist was a total bastard. At my initial appointment setup I told him what I wanted and showed him the design, and he said it would be no problem. Then when my appointment finally happened (20+ minutes late because of him) he immediately goes, “I know you want it in solid color, but I think that’s stupid, so here’s what I’m going to do.” My fiancee and a friend were with me and it had been a whole thing, so even though I kind of wanted to just say “Fuck off” and leave, I didn’t. He then proceeded to tell me he could finish the tattoo in “about 5 minutes” and when I told him not to rush, he said he was going for a speed record. Not super comforting to someone getting their first tattoo.
In the end, he cut the price almost in half because it was so simple, and I do love the tattoo and am glad I got it. But still. Good lord, dude. Work on your bedside manner a bit. I want another, but I’ll be going elsewhere.
I have two tattoos. The first, on my ribs, is the Hebrew script for “abracadabra,” or really for its Aramaic root word. In one of my college linguistics classes, we talked about two potential meanings for the Aramaic – “I create as I speak” (or similar) and “disappear like this word.” The first possible meaning resonated with me as a power-of-language sentiment, and the second seemed hilarious for a permanent mark. (And yes, I’ve heard various reasons why this is all speculation and could very well be nonsense, but that’s okay.)
The second is an Emily Dickinson line running vertically next to my spine – “not all pianos in the woods had power to mangle me.”
A number of others are in planning stages. I’m thinking about 3 hand-drawn stars, like kids do, inside my left wrist, as a reference to the e.e. cummings “i carry your heart” poem, and somewhere the Arabic for “one who understands” for my grandfather who wrote that inside a book he gave me (and for my amazing Arabic teacher who made a lightbulb go on in my head), and somewhere I want a world map. Too many ideas, not enough time/money/skin!
The only 11th commandment joke I’ve heard is “thou shalt not get found out”. I like your mother’s version better.
I have a few lines of Old English poetry between my shoulderblades: “Forthon scyle ascian … deophydig mon dygelra gesceafta Bewritan in gewitte wordhordes craeft” which translates as “Therefore the deep-minded one should ask about hidden things, [and] commit to mind the craft of poetry.”
It’s from a relatively obscure poem called ‘The Order of the World’ which I encountered for the first time in my Old English translation exam in my third year of uni. Those lines struck a deep enough chord that I got them tattooed a week later … before I’d had my script back and, you know, knew whether I’d actually translated it correctly. In retrospect I am amazed at how blithely I did this.
I loved that class and did well in it, but the greatest accolade I had from the academic who taught it was when, on bumping into him four years later at a ceilidh, he spotted the tattoo, said “Is that Old English? … Is that ‘The Order of the World’?” and then, upon being given the above explanation, said “That’s amazing.”
My tattoo (the one with a story, that is) is between my shoulderblades: an outline of the profile of a violin scroll, decorated inside–inspired by traditional inlaid scrolls, but less flowery and more henna-style. I got it shortly after I graduated college, to mark the end of my official “study of the violin.” I’ve played since I was five or six, and majored (as close as one could get at my hippie liberal arts school) in violin performance in college, but I had chosen to go in a different direction with my graduate studies and post-college life. I wanted to get something that would represent my past with the violin, and remind me that even if I’m not actively playing or taking lessons, I will always be a violinist.
I got my first early last summer. It’s on the underside of my left forearm, and it reads in my own cursive handwriting (thx stencils), ‘keep your lamp trimmed and burning’. I did my MA thesis on Andrew Bird and mostly his relationship to early country blues (among a bunch of other things that get way more esoteric), and knowing his back catalog, there’s this song, which more recently he’s mashed up with a Charley Patton cover or two.
And also I was raised Unitarian Universalist, and the symbol is the flaming chalice, and I’m an academic in training and there’s the lamp of knowledge, and then there’s the story from the New Testament where the phrase comes from which is Jesus basically saying, “be patient and stay up on your self-care.” And that’s a message I need to see on the regular. Hence why it’s in my own handwriting — it’s a literal note to self, and there’s been more than one day I’ve looked at it and been reminded that I need to eat/sleep/do laundry/take a reasonable break.
When I went to get it from a wonderful lady tattoo artist, the other tattoo artist working that day was A Man and he was like, “Get an image, you don’t want to get a phrase, those are really out of fashion.” I was being polite and so did not snap back, “GOOD THING I’M NOT GETTING MY TATTOO FOR ANYONE OTHER THAN ME, THEN.” #misandry
Ugh that guy. Reminds me of the driller I worked with once who was like “Yeah, I really prefer nose piercings that are small studs, not hoops.” To which I literally stared at him in surprise and said “Well it’s a good thing I didn’t get my nose pierced for you, then.” He stammered and stuttered that that TOTALLY wasn’t what he meant blahblahblah but come on, dude. Why even say it, then, if not because you want all women around you to conform to YOUR beauty ideals.
Ban men.
I have the silhouette of a mountain and waves on the inside of my ankle- really simple, just one line for mountains in black and one for waves in blue. My best friend and I designed it together on a dock the night before hiking Katahdin in Maine, as we were preparing to leave the state for college (I went to Alaska). When we went in to get them done, she backed out, but I still think of her whenever I look down! The thought was that growing up on the coast of Maine, the ocean was what grounded us, what we could always come back to to recharge, and the mountains represented the adventures and heights we’d seek out as we moved out of adolescence.
When my son was seven he drew a self-portrait and I loved it so much that I had it tattooed onto my right forearm. So I have his name in colorful block letters (which he also drew) and just below that is his crazily grinning face. I have a spot on my left forearm reserved for my daughter, once she gets a little better at drawing.
I also have the title of one of Mallory’s old Hairpin pieces tattooed on my left wrist, and just above that is an 8-bit Black Mage from the NES Final Fantasy holding a heart. My avatar pic shows part of it.
I got a bunch more, including some molecular structures, but the one by my son is one of my favorites.
My tattoos say things in the language of flowers.
We got a bunch of friends now that do product parties, and they all drive me nuts. It’s like some soulless marketing robot somewhere noticed that human beings have a complex network of relationships based on a sense of mutual responsibility to each other, and then thought, “Hey, surely there’s a way we can MONETIZE that, right?”
They’re the fucking end result of Randian, neoliberal capitalism, in which all relationships are subsumed into some kind of exercise in buying crap.
Exactly!! The MLM companies prey on women and I don’t want their shit. AND, the essential oil ones (Young Living, I’m looking at you) get pretty aggressive about trying to convince people their garbage oils are an appropriate substitute for MEDICAL CARE. Yeah, I get that at least partly, their popularity is indicative of a larger problem- if medical care wasn’t out of reach for so many people, maybe they would be less likely to fall prey to these MLM companies. BUT. The most obnoxious person on my fb (whom I still follow for comedic relief purposes, I am a horrible person) who sells Young Living essential oils is a NURSE. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy
That Ask A Manager makes me think of this.
Hahaha, yes.
Pilot followed that tweet up with telling someone, when they questioned her choice of restaurant, that Outback is literally her favorite place to eat, and this is one of many reasons why Pilot is the fucking best.
and by someone, you mean icebergmama <3
I couldn’t remember who! Love that Berg.
Plus, she has a name like a cool Pynchon character.
OMG THAT DRESS
That’s probably a quinceñera dress, right? Ever since I moved out to a place where they happen more often, I’ve been super bummed that I had a bat mitzvah and not a quinceñera. The dresses are WAY MORE AWESOME (the dresses for my bat mitzvah are shudder-worthy).
The other day I was in the big park here and I saw twin girls taking their quinceñera pictures and they had that same dress, except one was teal and one was hot pink. AMAZING.
I’m from Texas and there are Quincenera’s all over the place and I am jealous of all their dresses. None of me or my friends had quinces because some of us are cursed with the caucasian, and others were too cool to have quinces, but we’re toying with the idea of having a giant group quince where we all wear the dresses, and allow our guests to wear the dresses and basically have an awesome dress party with snacks.
Shit, the more I talk about it, the more I want it to happen!
OMG DO IT. Whenever I visit my parents in Texas we pass all these shops with quince dresses in them and I just mourn what could have been.
a) DOOOOOOO IT
b) “cursed with the caucasian” ROFLOL
c) oh shit, while typing this I could suddenly vividly see the inevitable cultural appropriation backlash to your/mine comments. *POUT*
d) oh well…
Yeah…. I’m all for having fun parties with froofy dresses, but maybe don’t call it a quinceneara? And I’m saying this as someone who probably could have swung having one, but didn’t because despite my Hispanic heritage I was basically a suburban midwestern white girl. (And I didn’t like froofy dresses at the time.)
just call it a veinteañera (or however old roughly you all are) and explain it is a party for late-bloomers, and enjoy the dresses! it seems like a nice form of cultural engagement that way, not appropriation, to me. (after all you are marveling, not mocking).
When I was 13 I wanted a quince soooooo bad because all my friends were having bat mitzvahs and I was jealous, but then I think when I turned 15 I was like “Well, I’m presiding over the giant Rocky Horror Halloween excursion next week, so I don’t really need another birthday party.”
My quincenera dress:
(Also the [affectionate] shit my L.A.-based cousins would have given me for having a rich girl whitina New England quincenera would have been epic. And, too, in the super conservative, super white part of Southern California I lived in as a kid, no one had quinces but like every single kid I knew did cotillion and it left me with a distrust of anything that could read as a “coming out” ball. Unless it was this sort of coming out:
Hey all, I’m returning to the toast after a four month break to give birth to and bond with my little misandrist daughter, Clara. I’m really having trouble balancing work and pumping and minor things like feeding myself and breathing. Sigh. Anyway, I’m finding some solace in angry music, like doll parts by hole. Anyone have similar recommendations for songs by women? Thanks, and so glad to hear that the toast is doing so well (and profitable)!
Everything PJ Harvey. Except for Stories From the City, Stories From the Sea, which I didn’t much care for.
Some bands:
Mecca Normal
X Ray Spex
The Bags
Huggy Bear and X both have guys in them too but still.
Björk recorded Medúlla after the birth of her daughter. That album was mission critical during my kid’s first year. 100% new mom solidarity.
SUCH a gorgeous album. I mean, I love Björk but Medulla is really special.
This isn’t all angry, per se, but mostly bitter and lyrical:
Kairos by White Hinterland, Frida Hyvonen’s Until Death Comes, The Organ – Grab That Gun, Lower Dens (any album), Micachu – Jewelry.
Veruca Salt and The Donnas are good, easy, lady rock musics that help me feel pumped up.
Pony Da Look and the Pack AD are my favourite anger-outlet all-girl bands. The Pack AD are especially great because they used to have both Laurie Anderson and Ursula Le Guin listed on their Facebook page under “influences”. That was when I knew, you know, the way you know about a good melon.
They also make great music.
Sleater Kinney does it for me.
Also, FUCK THIS STUPID COUNTRY AND OUR NON-EXISTENT PAID PARENTAL LEAVE POLICIES, GODDAMMIT. I am sorry that you are already having to be back at work. You should get more time.
Exactly, betsaroo. Fuck that–that’s why I’m so angry. Our system is not designed for mental health, you know?
Fever Ray’s album isn’t angry, per se, but it’s definitely dark and intense and was recorded as a response to the birth of her own daughter, so you know, synergy?
You guys are amazing–I’m making a spotify playlist today. Thank you so much for your support!
I do not have any music recommendations at this time, but I will say I have had a lot of success in outsourcing my feeding to others. Not sure what your domestic situation is, but if it involves anyone else other than the surely adorable but likely culinarily incompetent Clara, make them do the food stuff. Congrats!
I will always love the Raincoats – the whole of Odyshape, especially Shouting Out Loud. They took post-punk in a different direction, which epitomised women’s music for me.
Skunk Anansie!
Seconding the recommendation for The Raincoats and adding:
The Expoxies
Be Your Own Pet
Best Coast (mostly just “Fear of My Identity”)
Delta 5
Rye Rye (esp. “Hardcore Girls”)
Lush
I don’t have any angry-music recs, but welcome back and congratulations and Clara is a lovely, fierce name!
Melissa Ferrick has some good grit-your-teeth-and-get-through it music. I like “Closer.” Solidarity, lady. What you are doing is really hard.
In real late but check out the Distillers/ anything by Brody Dalle. Girl can do guttural scream-singing better than anyone.
L7 all the way. Angry, hard lady-led rock.
Also, the lead singer, in response to heckling by the audience at Lollapalloza fucking took out her bloody tampon and threw it at the crowd
Weaponized menstrual products? Badass.
That dress is perfection. I want to wear it to my c-section.
Good local news: Carlesha was found alive! I am so, so happy, and am really pulling for her to have a bright, awesome future.
Holy shit, I hadn’t seen this story. That is terrifying. I’m so glad they found her.
I did not expect to get teary-eyed reading about 2 cardiac experts. What a beautifully written piece.
How outstanding.
Well, now I have another autobiography to read, I guess!
I started it, then couldn’t shake the animal experimentation out of my head and quit reading, but it’s a beautiful story that needs telling, for sure.
One of the dogs lived on as a treasured pet in the Thomson family and he was always stern about treating the dogs well, which I think honors their sacrifice. Thousands of babied were saved, so it’s not frivolous research.
Whoa, I never said it was frivolous research and if I implied it, then apologies all around. I simply have trouble reading about suffering on any level, whether it be two or four legged. Good to know that his lab animals were treated well and that one found a good home. Sheesh.
Sent from my iPad
Ah. Tone on the internet. That horrible thing. What I meant was, that for me, this type of animal research is justified because unlike, say, testing cosmetics on animals, this saves lives. I wasn’t meaning to imply that’s what you thought.
No, no, I overreacted! I should’ve taken a breath, and thought “tone”, too. Where’s an otter/cute animal GIF we can bond over together? Calling Clever Manka, help!
Sent from my iPad
You’re both adorable. I am so proud to know you Toastpeople.
I ugly-cried at work!! Twice! I am not a cry-er but good grief that was a wonderful story.
The longform about Vivien Thomas!!!! Holy shit, highly recommend.
Julien Blanc got driven out of Australia for trying to teach guys to assault women
http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/victoria/julien-…
I think the beard guy in the 3rd picture is my wife’s cousin.
I like the guy running the seminar whining that the protesters were too aggressive and that they didn’t feel safe and that was “not cool”. Yeah, guy, that’s pretty much how women feel about your “pick up techniques”.
Doesn’t he recognize some good old-fashioned negging when he sees it?
I got invited to an online Jamberry party once and I got the free sample from the friend-of-a-friend hosting it and then just never returned any of her Facebook messages probing for further interest.
I know this isn’t the open thread, but can I use this space for The Toast (possible) Missed Connections? What are the odds that any of the Pittsburgh toasties 1. are reading this and 2. ride the 53L bus? There is a woman who rides the same trip home that I do, and she looks super cool and like the type of person who would read the Toast. But I am afraid of new social interactions and being judged and I hate being approached on public transportation so I will never make the first move. I do have my copy of Texts From Jane Eyre in my bag to start reading on the way home, so I’m hoping she will recognize it and initiate conversation.
I LOVE THAT YOU’RE DOING A TOAST (possible) MISSED CONNECTION! I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve wondered the same thing. I was actually approached by a woman at a place I spoke about in open thread, and wondered if maybe she was sussing me out to see if it was me (a fellow Toastie).
Hopefully even if she is not a Toastie, she would be the kind of person who would fall in love with this website, and we would become fast friends and hang out and do things together. Help me, I’m so lonely. (This got dark.)
finding friends can be super tough. Hang in there, amazing, awesome, toastie!!!
Thank you!! <3 This is the #1 reason I can never quit Facebook or other social media. It’s how I interact with basically all of my friends, because we live too far away.
Aww I miss Pittsburgh so much and now here’s another reason why — awesome people lurking around every corner 😀
It’s kind of astonishing that my BFF claims he can’t find anyone great to date, frankly, since all the people I know online who live there are awesomesauce.
I’m married and I don’t have any single female friends here but I’ll totally be friends with your BFF!
A good idea would be if all readers of the Toast wore a subtle but identifiable mark so that we could be recognized in public, but only by each other.
I would wear that proudly, everywhere, even to the porch to get my mail.
Good, good. It has to be something
1) noticeable
2) pretty stylish
3) not something that a large number of people might otherwise decide to wear on their own.
I’mm’a make a badge with Mallory’s face on it and wear it around town.
Good enough! Let’s get to it!
Would this work? http://www.lookhuman.com/design/54211-valar-morgh…
Maybe like a dirtbag Hamlet tattoo
No good! Tattoos are too likely to be covered up in the winter months. Unless we all got face tattoos, but I got to admit, while I do love the Toast, I am not sure I tattoo-on-the-face love the Toast.
Ok I guess the Mallory’s face badge will have to suffice. Or a dirtbag Hamlet badge? Earrings?
I don’t prefer earrings, since I have at long last let all the holes in my earlobes close up, and don’t want to have to get them repierced.
A dirtbag hamlet badge is a pretty good idea, too, though. Like, with him just doing a wicked grind on a skateboard?
Yeah! Like a giant pin that I can wear on my coat.
Floofy shirt, skull in one hand, other hand holding the skateboard as he flips an ollie or whatever the shit it’s called.
Good good, especially because it includes SKULLS.
I swear to God if someone makes this I will buy it and wear it with pride.
Ditto.
Hamlet ollieing Ophelia (that’s on one of the shirts, right) on like a campaign button
Oh wait, is there Toast merchandise? My work computer organizes this website in a barely-comprehensible way, I have never seen it.
There have been a few different t-shirts, but I think they may all have been limited runs: http://the-toast.net/tag/t-shirts/
Hmm, not bad, not bad, but i think the Dirtbag Hamlet would need a redesign to look right on a campaign button.
I feel like being identified by a stranger as looking “super cool” and “like someone who probably reads the toast” would make my month. ALAS, while I live in Pittsburgh, I only occasionally ride the 87. And no one has ever identified me as “super cool.”
We are far too different, you and I. *dramatic exit*
I appreciate your geologic name though!
oh I am the least cool person in the world, so we probably have more in common than you think.
Oh man, I live in Pittsburgh, and even though I only occasionally ride the 54 or 13, I already knew that it’s not me based on my not being super cool or looking like I read The Toast. 🙁
I do hope that she reads The Toast and/or talks to you so you can be BFFs forever. Good luck!
Well I’m pretty jealous because I ride the P78 every day and I don’t think there are ANY Toasties on my route (and if there are they’re great at disguising themselves as ladies in business clothes and with 80s bangs and white sneakers).
I do not ride the 53L bus, but I do live in Pittsburgh and am DELIGHTED at the idea that there are other Toasties in the ‘burgh! Toast meetup, maybe? Please? Pretty please?
Yes! There was one last month I believe, but I was tragically out of town that weekend. Hopefully one can happen again soon.
twoburgers! I am not this woman since I have never heard of the 53L, but I do live in Pittsburgh. Also I am now pretty sure that you are the TB of “Mom’s birthday” fame. My friend’s mom will be joining us that night and I’m not sure how much she’d be into meeting strangers, but maybe we can all meet up for a drink after the show?
aaaaah either there is an impostor out there or I am more forgetful than I knew. I’m not sure which show you are talking about? I am, however, not opposed to a Toastie meetup for drinks, providing I can get there (my biggest shame is that I don’t drive, so I am dependent on public transportation and otherwise very good at falling back on my hermit-y nature).
Aw man, I am not as good at sleuthing as I thought. There’s a TB on the pgh Google doc and we’re both going to the weird Isabella Rossellini show on the 21st. Join us! (I also don’t drive and am only ashamed about it until it fails to be constructive in convincing me to get my license.)
aha! That makes more sense. Do you have a link to the google doc on hand so I can check it out?
This link might work:� �https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dHqtlfjBmH50V3EaTpbhG-W9Xmw9pan_Dp-X9FZBLJE
Anyone watching “Gracepoint”? My husband and I are in tonight’s episode (if we weren’t cut)! Look for two waiters in purple polo shirts in the restaurant scene!
I’m going to need you to go into details about being around David Tennant now. Did the sun seem brighter? Was the air sweeter? Did his charm have the power of an atomic bomb? These are questions I feel must be answered.
I’m so sorry, I hardly know who he is 🙁 He doesn’t seem to act very well in Gracepoint though, have you been watching it?
I haven’t yet. I mostly know him from his stage work and, of course, from his role as the 10th Doctor on Doctor Who. I have seen him on the original British version of show and he was very good on that. You should definitely check out him as Benedick in Much Ado About Nothing with Catherine Tate.
I hate the stupid security questions. Give answers no one else would know. Okay, sure, I am secretive.
“What city were you born in?”
“Where were you born?” (same bank, maybe it’s a trick question)
“What is your father’s middle name?”
Yes, these are great secrets. I cannot imagine anyone I know would be able to figure out these incredibly hidden facts about me.
The one that bothers me the most is “what is your mother’s maiden name?” because my parents got divorced when I was a kid & she’s been using it ever since, so it’s not exactly hard to figure out (plus lots of moms don’t change their names in the first place when they get married, plus lots of moms don’t get married). So not only is it condescending and patriarchal, but it’s not actually very secure.
I hate the “what is your mother’s maiden name”. My mom kept her maiden name, you can literally find out the answer to that one by looking in the phone book.
i actually feel like it’s a great question if your mom kept her name, because people would assume she changed it when she got married and so whatever last name she has (or you have, if your mom was cool and gave you her last name instead of your dad’s) is not her maiden name, but it IS so it’s like you’re tricking the hackers!
Wow. Those are some garbage questions. My bank has much better questions that almost no one would know the answer to, including but not limited to:
What street did your best friend in high school live on?
What was the name of your first childhood pet?
What was your favorite vacation destination?
What is your favorite book?
There’s no way my best friend, who as it turns out was also my best friend in high school, would know what street she lived on. No one could cleverly figure it out by checking to see where her parents live either. (I’m lucky in that I can trust my parents, but they could absolutely answer all the security questions. Well, my mother could. My father would likely forget any pet-based answers.)
Incidentally very few banks allow “beaver” as an answer to a security question (“High school mascot”), even Canadian banks.
My best friend in high school lived with his aunt and they are not on speaking terms anymore so I am pretty happy that one was even an option I think it might actually be secure.
My problem with the “What is your favorite ________” type questions has always been either a) I can’t decide or b) I don’t really have an absolute favorite and therefore know that I’ll be locked out of my account forever for answering one of the opiniony security questions wrong in the future.
YES this is exactly my problem!
Yup, definitely my problem too. Like I could pick just one favorite book and then remember exactly what I put years later when I need to reset my password.
Agreed! If the questions aren’t too easy, they are WAY TOO HARD, and require either a memory or a definitiveness and constancy that I just don’t possess.
I recently had to answer some security questions when setting up a new banking thing, and I honestly could not answer most of them. Luckily, I only had to choose two, but it was really hard. Why do you expect me to remember this, or have strong enough opinions, banks?
also if you already have access to my name, email, &c. it’s easier than easy to figure out my favorite things. because i talk about them all the time! i have them posted to my old LJ account and my tumblr and tweet them sometimes.
my trick has been choosing the family stuff, then swapping the referent. If it asks something about “me”, I might always answer for my mom. Or if it’s names of relatives, I might always choose a sibling or always the opposite side of the family. Because of my previous paragraph, I’m not stating what it is, exactly, that I do, but it’s easy for me to remember and not as easy for the asshole trying to access my accounts.
Yes, I have a terrible time choosing favorites too – I don’t have a good memory for things like that, plus too many favorites to choose from.
A recent one I did suggested “What is the name of your first boyfriend?” – and I couldn’t do it. Maybe other people don’t get hung up on stuff like this, but I don’t know – should I count what’s his name from church camp when I was 14 as my first boyfriend, or do relationships have to last longer than a few days to count? And if I went with what’s his name, would I remember it next time? IDK. I finally went with “What is the name of your first girlfriend?” and I don’t care if it’s secure or not, it just makes me smile every time I enter it, because I totally remember her (probably because I was a lot older when I started dating girls than boys).
Use nonsense answers. Of course, that means having to keep a list of all my security answers but I figure the chance of the list falling into the wrong hands is far less than the chance of me losing/someone stealing my phone or computer. Even someone who has knowledge of my life would have a head-scratching time trying to access my bank accounts 🙂
Seconding this. The best thing is to not answer the actual questions posed, just have a consistent nonsense answer for a certain type of question.
Very few of my identity thief friends are aware I was born in Screw You, and my first pet was Eat Me
OFC now sometimes they’ve got the ones that mine your Facebook or whatever to validate your information and will decide your security answer is Not Good Enough, at which point the only recourse is to eat the keyboard.
A sex activist friend of mine used to to do product parties for a sex toy company. If I had lived in that city then, I totally would have gone to those.
Those are the only acceptable product parties. The director hosted one when I was in the Vagina Monologues in college, and it was the most fun.
I find they are either great fun, or buttock-clenchingly embarrassing depending on the other guests and how well you all know each other.
The women’s group at my college used to do those! They always gave away tons of prize packs too, but I never won one 🙁
I have found them the most awkward of all the parties, actually. Maybe there’s a cool lgbt-friendly company running one, but all the ones I’ve been to were so…cringingly heteronormative. I’m not even like superkinkysexqueer either.
I can totally see them sucking if it’s like a fucking batchelorette party, even though I know that’s a vibe (lol) some of them actively go for.
I went to a lesbian meet-up one just last week, and it was my very first product party. It was pretty cool!
I walked downstairs once to find one going on in my living room, it was the best “you completely forgot what was happening in your home tonight” surprise EVER. I loved the people there, I loved the wine and chocolate, and I really loved taste testing edible lube. Best paycheck ever spent (before I even got it oops fiscal responsibility what’s that).
I got very sniffly and teary-eyed while reading that Vivien Thomas article yesterday evening, which was embarrassing because I was in class
When I heard about the attack on Brittany Griner I immediately thought of Mallory. Glad to see she is keeping it in such perspective.
My tactic with the security questions: I have a standard answer which functions kind of like a backup password. It’s completely unrelated to the question (I usually select one at random). I don’t actually know whether that’s secure, but it’s worked for me thus far!
Yeah, that’s kind of what I do with the “What city were you born in?” question. It’s always a city, and the same city, but it is not, in fact, the city I was born in, so if hackers managed to access the publicly-accessible documents of my birth, they still wouldn’t know the answer.
I believe my answer will be that I was born in, per the Michael Jackson song, a state of shock.
Being a Very Mature Adult, my security question for one of the sites I use at work is “What is your favorite hobby?” and my answer is “your mom.”
This is actually a great approach, especially if you use a phrase that you can easily remember but that is non-obvious to guess. See also: http://xkcd.com/936/
I’ve actually seen that suggestion. Like “what was the model of your first care?” “Tangerine”. As long as you can remember what your answer was, it’s something that people can’t find out or guess.
I do this but with the “name of your first pet”-type questions. I always know that if the question has the word “pet” in it, the answer’s gonna be the name of a fictional character who is not, in fact, a pet.
Oh security questions. I always know the answer I gave, but can never remember the right formatting. Did I capitalise? Did I leave a space? Did I write the number out or use digits? Did I use an accent, or leave it out, or do weird non-standard spelling?
I have had to call up so many times.
“Yes, hi. I’ve been locked out of my account. I know my security answers, I just can’t write them. Help!”
Speaking of MLMs, did we all read this article about Vemma the frattiest of MLM schemes? http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/features/sell…
One of my greatest pleasures is to throw out all the MLM recruiters who try to infiltrate my lecture classes. Apparently the Cutco reps warn them about me now.
I’m just one paragraph in that RS article and I’m already confused!
Alex Morton can still remember the day when he decided that academics weren’t for him. He was a freshman at Arizona State University, sitting in biology class, when it clicked. “My professor starts talking about biomes,” he says. “I’m like, ‘My major is communications, and this guy wants me to memorize all the animals in the rainforest? I gotta go.'”
If you’re a Comms major, why are you even taking a biology class? There’s no way that’s a required class for your degree. You’ve brought this upon yourself!
I think it’s safe to say that this only the first of the bad decisions chronicled in that article.
I am getting a huge kick out of my mental image of this guy jumping out of his chair in the middle of the lecture and blurting out “I GOTTA GO” and then running down the steps of the crowded lecture hall. He turns around upon reaching the door and yells “FUCK THE RAINFOREST” and finally disappears, never to be seen again.
A knowledge of ecosystems, especially predator&prey relationships, might actually have been of use to him in his MLM career.
based on my (limited) experiences at ASU, I could totally see that happening.
“Lemur, harpy eagle, fucking…fuck, fucking tapir? Anteater? Is that an animal? Shit…uh…frog…frog is one. Parrot? Two kinds of parrot. And…uh…oh shit…uh…I GOTTA GO!”
That asshole prof, not tailoring his biology class to the biology-related needs of a Comms major! The nerve!
If you have a general science requirement, it might be. My alma mater was a liberal arts school and regardless of your major you had to take classes across several different content areas, including science (I think two courses were required, and one of them had to have a lab component). You also had to demonstrate competency in math, writing and a foreign language. Of course, since that was the case there were courses that were aimed at non-majors.
You have just described my NIGHTMARE. This was not the case at my uni. The day I found out that as soon as I passed the courses required by the Ministry of Education to get my high school diploma, I could turn my back on math and science classes forever – that was one of the happiest days of my life. I would never have been able to graduate with honours if I’d been forced to take science courses at the university level, even softer ones for non-majors.
I think that’s a shitty policy, tbqh. Being forced to take courses in subject areas you don’t care about is what high school is for. Leave university students alone!
I think it’s different for the USA than for many European educational systems (judging by your vocab/spelling) because the “general education” component in USA universities is the same stuff that European students get in their final years of high school or something. I know that I learned that was the case for France and Germany when I did a study abroad in Strasbourg in 2004 and had 8th-year German students in my language immersion class, and also was living with a family with a 17-year-old.
My partner did an exchange where he spent a semester at Princeton (we are in the UK), and even though he was only in his second year, he was doing junior-level (and some graduate) courses, and said they were pretty much equivalent in difficulty to UK sixth form (last two years of school, for 16-18 year-olds).
It’d be nice if high schools did the job. My university had a 101-level science class requirement that I filled with a biology course, where the entire subject matter for the semester was ‘hey guys evolution is real OK, also there’s DNA.’ I went to the first and last days and scored in the top quarter of the class on the final, because I already knew DNA existed.
Also a PE requirement that I didn’t know about that held up my graduation for a year, so in the main it’s about money for the school but still.
Now mind you New Mexico Tech considers its a science and engineering school: there general Ed requirements included calculus 1 and 2, physics 1 and 2, Chem 1 and 2, then bio/Geo/eng 1 and 2.
This is pretty off topic (I guess it could relate to the Vivien Thomas article, which was amazing) but I just had to go looking for stock photos of doctors, and at least on the stock photo site I use you can find 18 million pictures of white male doctors with patients of any color at all, but there’s maybe 50 pictures of black doctors and most of those are either
(1) black doctors with black patients/other patients of color, or
(2) a black doctor consulting with a white doctor.
There are like 5 pictures with a black doctor and a white patient and maybe 3 pictures with a black doctor and a white male patient. My favorite is the photo of 5 doctors all in a row with a white male doctor in the front and a black doctor in the very back and I realized it’s literally a spectrum of color. The doctors get darker and more out of focus until the last doctor is a black woman who’s blurry. It’s like a hierarchy of privilege as told through stock photography.
WTF? Come on stock photographers!!
Okay rant over!
I do communications right now for an initiative on health disparity, and I had to do a stock photo search 6 weeks ago and I am feeling this so, so much. hahaha.. fuck you stock photographers.
Ughhhhhh I work in publishing and part of my job used to be looking for stock photos to use on covers, and it really is the worst. A while back we did a book on women in sports, and when I searched “women + sports,” about 90% of what it returned were photos of models dressed in sexified referee outfits holding various different kinds of sports balls suggestively in between their legs.
I didn’t know about the Artie Lange grossness until I saw his follow-up response on Facebook, which one of my male friends “liked”. In it, he even says his MOM was disgusted by his tweets, and follows that up with “Herp derp, if I went by what my mom said I wouldn’t be a comedian herp derp.”
…Is this where I unfriend said person who liked that status? This is where I unfriend someone, isn’t it? SIGH.
Depends. Do you care enough about this person to explain how horrifying and harmful Lange’s tweets were in the interest of either A) education or B) friendship preservation? Would said person be open to hearing that? And do you have the time/energy/inclination to be that person? If yes to all of these, it’s worth a shot.
If not, unfriend away!
One of my friends liked it too. Usually I just unfollow people who do shit like that.
I unfriended someone this morning because they liked the response. Felt great!
I was having a terrible day a few months ago and thought I’d lost my credit card. So I called my bank from work to have it cancelled and the guy on the phone says “okay, can you tell me your mother’s maiden name?” I say, “Sure, it’s [mother’s maiden name].” “Umm…. ma’am, that’s not what I have here… Let’s verify some other way then I’ll transfer you to the department that can fix that for you.” Ooookay….”
So he cancels the card, I’ll have another in a few weeks because I am cheap and don’t want to spend $16 for a one-day delivery, he puts me on hold to transfer the call….. and I find my now-useless credit card on my desk in front of me. When the woman in the other department picks up the phone, I’m holding back tears of frustration and my voice is kind of quavery. We change my security question’s answer to my mother’s maiden name and I say “please, can you tell me what I put in there? I mean, my mom’s maiden name hasn’t changed or anything.” The woman hesitates for a moment then says “You had B-U-T-T as your answer. Butt.”
I burst out laughing and crying on the phone at the same time and the woman gives a weak chuckle and bids me good day.
And then I have to explain to my office neighbor why I am apparently having a breakdown at my desk. I can just about get out the words “MY MOTHER’S MAIDEN NAME WAS BUTT.” through the gurgles and mucus. Good times. So be careful with the “putting in something random that you’ll remember” in case, you know, you forget.
My old roommate’s security question used to be “What are vaginas?” with answer “Slippery.”
Sometimes we forget that real people will be reading these things aloud to us on the phone someday.
The boy used to just ram on his keyboard to get a random sequence. Yeah… that did not work out for him when he got locked out of his Hearthstone account.
I’m crampy and having not the best morning and I am laughing so hard at this, thank you.
This is amazing, I can’t stop nose-laughing at my desk
I’m trying to do that thing where you laugh silently but now my lungs kinda hurt and I’m still laughing….
That could be a name! I remember a German goalkeeper named Hans-Jörg Butt. Great name.
Off topic: got my first toast post! And I wasn’t thinking about it at all (been procrastinating on mine), so I was all like “Huh, mail from France? Maybe my parents sent it when they were there? But that’s not my mom’s handwriting…. ” etc. And then I got all happy because Toast Post! And it was lovely. So now I have good intentions about getting off my ass and coming up with some post of my own.
What is Toast Post and how do I get in on it??
It is the best! polka_stripes matches us up with each other and we send mail to other toasties! Keep an eye on the open threads, she usually is on there and arranges it.
Among other problems, wouldn’t or shouldn’t the manager be subject to a policy prohibiting outside work, as is common and (I think) sensible for salaried employees?
Usually a moonlighting clause would only cover work related to the field – like a lawyer can’t law in the evenings, but could walk dogs or whatever.
Depending on your job description, you may just have to disclose outside work and attest that there is no conflict of interest. However, inviting people who report directly to you to your fucking product party should be RIGHT OUT from an HR perspective. A boss who asks their employees to buy their kid’s girl scout cookies (for example) at least has the excuse that it’s for charity or for a good cause. But for-profit shit? RIGHT OUT.
This is a thing I read today: Will Self reviewing two new books on Jewishness. The first half of this review is thoughtful and nuanced. The second half is … something else. I’m still not quite sure what.
http://www.theguardian.com/books/2014/nov/06/how-…
Thank you linking that. I do not much like Will Self, but in Will Self vs Julie Burchill I’m Team Self all the way.
OT: IT’S JOHN LEWIS ADVERT DAY.
That is all.
My friend is selling Jamberry on Facebook and I’m actually considering it. Anybody ever get one of their “wraps”? Any good?
I’ve heard their stuff is actually really crappy and peels off really really easily.
I bought one once, solely because it was outer space themed. They’re ok. It lasted about a week and a half, but I was at the beach at the time so maybe it was bc all the salt water and sand. I wouldn’t buy it again.
I spent a short time hosting pub trivia, and the regional manager of the company I contracted for sent out a few messages trying to recruit employees to use/sell Shakeology (or something similar). It seemed super shady and inappropriate to me. One employee responded “Please stop sending me invitations to this scam.” and the response was the utterly predictable, “SCAM?! This is NOT a scam! You clearly just aren’t ready to take control of your life with the healing restorative magic of shakes!”
You are correct. I am *not* ready to take control of my life with the magic of shakes. I am not worthy. Never will be. Leave me alone.
Are we all aware that the second series of the Bletchley Circle, the greatest television show ever, is now streaming on Netflix in the US? This is especially important since PBS inexplicably ran it last may without any real sort of promo for it.
Thought you’d all want to know.
I think I just sucked it up and bought S2 on Amazon Prime after I binged the first season about 6 months ago. But it is so good! Call the Midwife S3 is also up on Netflix now!
Oh yay! I love Call the Midwife! Thanks for the info!
oh my god yay thank you for this public service you have provided
We were NOT all aware of this.
Yes, I got an e-mail about it the other day! It’s not bad to let babies watch TV, so long as it’s TV about strong women, right??
AND NICOLE’S!
My first thought with the Artie Lange stuff was – is he back on the sauce/drugs? I mean, he’s an absolute asshole on or off them, but it just seems to be exceptionally poor judgment to publicly tweet about imagining a woman is a slave and how you’d make her have sex with you for her freedom? And then to actually NAME a REAL WOMAN you’re thinking that about? How could he possibly have thought there would be no repercussions for doing that?
Not trying to pick on you (because I’ve seen this lots of places!) but Artie wasn’t talking about wanting to have sex with Cari – he was talking about wanting to rape her.
Quite true! My OP should have reflected that.
The ad at the bottom of my screen is for a “fun + flexible Merchandiser opportunity”. LOL adbots.
I’m pretty sure the fake plans excuse was INVENTED for Product Parties.
“They found my son, he’s alive!”
No need for fakery. “I have other plans” includes the unspoken plan to never subject myself to that kind of shit.
Yeah, “I’m sorry I have other plans and can’t make it” should be enough for most people, BUT THERE ARE LOTS OF BOUNDARYLESS PEOPLE FOR WHOM IT IS NOT.
For those people, retaliatory product parties and also all the other guests are black Israelites/scientologists
I plan to lay on the couch and eat frosting with a spoon.
I have to see a man about a horse.
For reference: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/INeedT…
Today in OK Cupid misandry: woman makes a profile and responds to men only in GLADoS quotes. http://www.ravishly.com/2014/11/06/i-responded-ok…
Jetta Rae is awesome.
That is a good article, but one of the things that struck me was the idea that the moderator saw that this profile was alleviating the burden from other, living women, and it made me interested in the idea of creating a whole bunch of douche-bait profiles that are statistically-likely to attract the shittiest guys, and then just have regular chatbots behind them meant to keep those guys on the hook and busy for as long as possible.
Behold! Someone did exactly that to distract the hordes of GamerGate harassers! http://www.newstatesman.com/future-proof/2014/10/…
Haha. It is always good when I discover that there are other people who are as smart as me.
The catcall attractiveness stuff is just MARINATING in me right now. The comment thread here yesterday with the women who never got catcalls speculating on it and how that makes you feel bad too, this Carol Hood article, and oddly enough watching the episode of scandal where Viola Davis strips her face down are all percolating around in me making some kind of immense brew.
The narrow range of female appearance that is supported, and that support itself is horrible and you are still supposed to be grateful for not you know, being locked away from human interaction by virtue of having a person that isn’t attractive enough to the majority, but also what the majority recognizes as attractive has been groomed into us. The “Not a Beautiful Woman” thing…hey you aren’t agreed upon sexy to the broad majority, so you should be so happy I can recognize it….now let me rub my hands all over you without your permission and please say thanks, after all, it’s getting me off and that makes me pretty special for noticing you.
In How to Get Away with Murder, I wanted to see “that scene”, and one of the things that was shocking was when she wipes down the makeup her skin is so much darker than the foundation. Viola Davis is already on the far end of the spectrum of women skin colors on tv, and I’m wondering how many other black actresses are being lightened up on TV, its just devastating. Is it that there isn’t makeup to match or to make her more acceptable toned or…ugh, its all bad stuff.
There’s a whole history to the skintone/makeup thing! You can read stories from lots of the black pioneers of showbusiness about makeup artists not having the right materials to work on their faces, about makup companies not even *making* the right colors, etc etc.
However, there is ALSO a history of the actual physics of photography, especially light and film emulsion, and how the way the technology developed in response to paler consumers, neglecting darker skintones. This essay blew my mind when I first read it: http://www.buzzfeed.com/syreetamcfadden/teaching-…
Oh man I read that camera film one! Just horrifying/mindblowing. The amount of disenfranchisment that comes from just, “not thinking about it”- you know? Like airbags and seats always being designed for some 6ft guy, everything always being designed for the able bodies, etc. Everytime someone complains a bit, they get so much crap for it, but even just that complaint helps make sure there isn’t this autopilot thing…
anyway, extra amazing was it was all Viola Davis’s idea!
There’s a TV movie about Vivien Thomas called “Something the Lord Made,” starring MOS DEF as Vivien and ALAN RICKMAN doing a Southern accent. It is everything you would expect and MORE.
I’m only partway through the article still, but getting vibes from The Knick as well (although those are fictional characters loosely based on real people).
Also in the realm of security questions: when you try to activate Google Wallet online and it asks you questions based on the creepy information Google has been collecting about you going back years and years of you using the Internet, only the answers to the questions are wrong because Google doesn’t know you did something off the Internet and locks you out of activating Wallet unless you call them.
(They asked me how long I had lived at my current address and gave me 6 months, 1 year, 2 years, etc. as options. The honest answer was 1 year, so I put that. But fricking GOOGLE thought it was 6 months, because for the first 6 months I’d lived there, I hadn’t bought anything online and shipped it to that address. GOOGLE WHY no this is not how you verify identities.)
omg, boo, fail. wow.
Thank you thank you thank you for posting the Vivien Thomas article. It’s incredible, and moving, and so beautiful.
Whaaat. Entirely made up or not, I’m happy to know! But gah, if they honestly believed it would keep them from getting sick, sell the recipe on the streets or something instead of robbing houses! (Maybe it would not be quite as profitable as thieving, but it would have been the nicer thing to do!)
(Ugh, ETA: in response to MilesofMountain’s explanation for the reason behind naming an oil blend “Thieves.”)
Current panic about Ebola has nothing on Black Plague infested Europe for crazed, completely unfounded theories.
My aunt, with whom I agree very little on, calls MLM parties, “Screw Your Friends Parties.” I have decreed that is what they should always be called.
I know that this is like a day late but I just wanted to let you know that I'm fairly sure AHA is good people, I know a lot of scientists who have funding from them (and I'm hoping to be one of them as well!) so at least I know they're spending a good deal of money on science.
My opinion might change based on the outcome of my fellowship application though.
I am irrationally (completely rationally) opposed to product parties, after a friend invited me and my bff to a ~*~*~girly cocktail night, where we will do facials and make lipgloss and drink!~*~*~*~ and it turned out to be a tupperware party and there was no alcohol in the cocktails and the lipgloss was made of vaseline with lipstick in it.