Reasons Why I Would Make An Excellent Druidess And You Should Consider Me For The Position

by Mallory Ortberg · November 20, 2014

Previously: Why I Think I Would Make An Excellent Vestal Virgin And You Should Consider Me For The Position.

1. My understanding of “druids” as a profession and as a religion is pleasantly vague, which is exactly how I like my job descriptions and spiritual practices.

2. I’m into the moon in a big way, which I feel like would be helpful.

3. I have plenty of experience resenting Christianity as an institution.

4. Three fucking words: Naturally. Red. Hair.

5. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve seen the original Wicker Man?

6. Honestly it would not take that much to convince me that periodically burning a few Gauls on Salisbury Plain was necessary to keep floods away, or whatever, and I have pretty strong arms and very magnetic eyes so I could definitely lure/entrap at least one Gaul by myself without help

7. I am definitely into magic insofar as it has been presented to me through the medium of Tara and Willow’s relationship on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the scenes with the lady who looked like Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman in the movie The Craft

8. I’ve already been to Stonehenge, so

9. I find neopaganism ultimately unsatisfying due to its lack of commitment to haruspicy, the ancient art of cutting open a deer and predicting the future based on its internal organs

10. Ceremonial daggers are my absolute favorite kind of daggers.

11. I would do my absolute best not to die in childbirth or of an easily preventable disease.

12. Like the druids, little is known about how I spend my time, and scholars argue whether or not I would have been strong enough to move sandstones across southwestern England

13. I could be talked into worshiping a tree, or even several trees, no problem.

14. I used to have that one CD, Pure Moods, the one with the Enya track and the X-Files theme song on it

15. I look amazing in cloaks. Thank you for your time.

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

66 Comments

  1. grumblyqueer +90

    I am Celtic of heritage, imposing of height, and identical in surname to a deity of yore. It must be fate.

  2. safvn +65

    The first boy I ever had a debilitating crush on identified as a druid. I feel like he probably would have worshipped a tree, or several, as well.

    1. rien à dire +54

      Oooh, is this where we can talk about magic(k)al people we’ve gone on dates with?? I casually saw a guy who self-identified as a Black Magic Priest (TM). He and his friend once wanted to sacrifice an animal, but they couldn’t catch one. :/ What a bumbler!

        1. rien à dire +27

          I went with the former, mostly because when they couldn’t find an animal, they decided to “sacrifice” HIM with some good old body mutilation, soooooo I decided maybe this wasn’t my One and Only Love.

      2. elsajeni +62

        I definitely dated a Teen Neopagan who, whenever I tried to bring up anything I was unhappy about, would change the subject to how he feared he was starting down a darker magickal path and I would have to reassure him that he was not actually becoming evil. I regret to say that it took me like 3 years to get wise to that bullshit.

        1. rien à dire +29

          Ugh, this guy was the absolute worst! (But I’m beyond delighted to know that you dated genderswapped Willow Rosenberg, sorryyyyy!)

          1. elsajeni +51

            On the bright side, he mostly confined his jackass behavior to the category of “stuff that will make hilarious stories in like 10 years,” which was thoughtful of him.

  3. jekyllian +55

    i would like to withdraw my application for vestal virgin and instead apply for this position.

    1. FreeRangeMenses +2

      Sigh. As do I. I didn’t indulge in much this summer, which, as winter descends, is a little depressing to think about.

  6. AmazingSandwich +30

    With the strength of your cloak game, Mallory, you should apply to become a wanderer of Middle-earth (just in case this falls through).

    1. Es_Petal +6

      I was goingto go for my birthday last week but it was raining so I didn’t… I am not destined to be a druid.

  8. HateMachine +95

    12. Like the druids, little is known about how I spend my time, and scholars argue whether or not I would have been strong enough to move sandstones across southwestern England

    Nice try, Mallory. Academic consensus settled YEARS ago on you building Stonehenge.

  10. winterbymorning +17

    I have no doubt that you are strong enough to move sandstones across southwestern England.

  11. connorjoel +31

    I would definitely oppose Saint Patrick on the grounds that his trinitarian analogies are PAPIST HERESY.

    …wait, I mean, he’s driving the SNAKES out of IRELAND. This will not stand.

  12. Casey +6

    Are they hiring druids, as well? Because based on the number of times I’ve seen ‘The Wicker Man’ I should be a LOCK.

    1. craftalchemy +8

      And OBOD! I have been to two of OBOD’s Summer Gatherings now (tagging along with a good friend who is a druid*) and they’re great fun if you like hanging out with hippies, piles upon piles of vegetarian food, chanting, and Damh the Bard. http://www.druidry.org

      *This friend has explored various Pagan and similar traditions, and decided to go ahead and call herself a Druid when another person at a neopagan meetup listened to something she said and asked disapprovingly “You’re not a ~druid~, are you?”

    2. connorjoel +3

      Apparently there’s an obscure manuscript tradition that Patricius was ALSO a druid in addition to being a missionary bishop and erstwhile Roman. Methinks that someone got confused at some point, but it’s stupid fascinating.

  14. angrypedestian +135

    This just reminds me of a dude I used to work with at my college’s alt newspaper. He dated a tree spirit. As in the spirit he believed to be residing in a tree.

    He dated a tree.

      1. Rillquiet +113

        No, but I hear he’s open to branching out OH GOD IT’S PUNS RUN FOR THE HILLS WHAT HAVE I DONNNNNE

          2. Psyche1226 +24

            I believe the problem stems from a lack of clarity on the true nature of the relationship in view.

    4. CaroWR +39

      Could….could the spirit ever LEAVE the tree? If not it would severely limit their date options.

      I mean, there about twenty-seven problems with a dude dating a tree, but I’m gonna start with that one.

    5. angrypedestian +16

      I wish I wasn’t at work lo these many hours, and could have basked in these puns in real time.

      I first met this dude post tree-dating, so I heard all of this information second hand, but from my understanding, he felt a connection to a particular tree in one of the quads on campus. He believed there to be a tree spirit in said tree, and so he had a relationship with it. As far as I know, this seemed more like a spiritual pagan kind of connection to the tree, like, giving offerings and stuff? I don’t know all of the details, but, given what I learned about him in the time that I knew him, this seemed like a completely plausible thing that he would have done.

      So yeah. Dude dated a tree.

    1. waitressinlove +13

      Love it. I still listen to Enya frequently, 100% devoid of any irony. Just pure, vaguely celtic enjoyment.

      2. rosesinjanuary +4

        I have a whole Enya Pandora station. It’s my go-to background music for work. Soothing, and yet still interesting.

  16. Tyler +18

    While I would not revel in my eventual fate, I would be willing to be a sacrificed bog man for the good of our matriarchal druidic society.

  17. whizzdumb +44

    Is haruspicy the one where as you practice it you get to wear a dear head/antlers atop your own head? Because while the smell/feel/idea would be fowl, gross, and regrettable–it looks so fucking cool.

  20. johnfranc +17

    As others have already said, there are numerous Druid orders who would welcome you as a member.

    But the Gauls are our friends – they likely had Druids of their own. Feel free to burn all the Romans you like, though.

  22. damanoid +16

    This all just seems like an excuse to run around in an open field on a moonlit night while wearing dramatically flowing robes.

    Honestly you probably don’t need an excuse, but it’s good to have one anyway just in case somebody catches you. “What, the robes? The moonlit running about? Er, it’s all official Druid business, I assure you. (shows official Druid card, etched in runes on birchbark) Oh yes, it’s the, erm, Festival of, ah, Sam…walpurga…bel…mardel…nacht. Very important Druid holiday. It’s going real well tonight. Very successful Druiding.” (tosses naturally red hair)

    Nice job if you can get it. What do Druids pay with, anyway? Copper trade axes? Woad? Mistletoe?

  23. ecurve +11

    I’d like to apply to be a sort of druidic elder earth mother type; the kind who issues delphic, koan-like pronouncements (like Chance the Gardener) while deftly working on handicrafts (maybe friendship bracelets? I used to be pretty good at those) in the sunlight outside her cozy herb-filled home. I think I could bring a lot to the table, here, so please check out my LinkedIn. Also please bring me a shawl; these old bones feel the cold.

  24. FreeRangeMenses

    I had to have my mom order it with her credit card. I paid her back in installments. WORTH IT.