Reasons Why I Would Make An Excellent Druidess And You Should Consider Me For The Position -The Toast

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druidessPreviously: Why I Think I Would Make An Excellent Vestal Virgin And You Should Consider Me For The Position.

1. My understanding of “druids” as a profession and as a religion is pleasantly vague, which is exactly how I like my job descriptions and spiritual practices.

2. I’m into the moon in a big way, which I feel like would be helpful.

3. I have plenty of experience resenting Christianity as an institution.

4. Three fucking words: Naturally. Red. Hair.

5. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve seen the original Wicker Man?

6. Honestly it would not take that much to convince me that periodically burning a few Gauls on Salisbury Plain was necessary to keep floods away, or whatever, and I have pretty strong arms and very magnetic eyes so I could definitely lure/entrap at least one Gaul by myself without help

7. I am definitely into magic insofar as it has been presented to me through the medium of Tara and Willow’s relationship on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the scenes with the lady who looked like Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman in the movie The Craft

8. I’ve already been to Stonehenge, so

9. I find neopaganism ultimately unsatisfying due to its lack of commitment to haruspicy, the ancient art of cutting open a deer and predicting the future based on its internal organs

10. Ceremonial daggers are my absolute favorite kind of daggers.

11. I would do my absolute best not to die in childbirth or of an easily preventable disease.

12. Like the druids, little is known about how I spend my time, and scholars argue whether or not I would have been strong enough to move sandstones across southwestern England

13. I could be talked into worshiping a tree, or even several trees, no problem.

14. I used to have that one CD, Pure Moods, the one with the Enya track and the X-Files theme song on it

15. I look amazing in cloaks. Thank you for your time.

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