Why I Think I Would Make An Excellent Vestal Virgin And You Should Consider Me For The Position -The Toast

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vvPreviously: Why I Think I Would Make An Excellent Medieval Peasant And You Should Consider Me For The Position.

I would have made an excellent Vestal Virgin for the following reasons, and I urge you strongly to consider my application:

1. I am willing to sacrifice sexual contact with men, for the good of the people

2. Drape-y, flowing dresses suit me enormously

3. I would be amenable to being carried about the city on a magnificent litter, bedecked in fresh flowers and borne on the shoulders of silent, respectful men

4. I can keep a fire from going out, probably, as long as that’s mostly all I have to do

5. It pretty much seems like the job mostly involves wearing stretchy fabrics and not talking to men and I feel like I could bring a lot to the table as a full-time blogger

6. I also look good with my hair up

7. I’ve read Anne of Green Gables a bunch of times, which feels relevant somehow, although I’m not exactly sure why

8. If you need me to do any sort of fancy weaving or whatever I’m sure I could pick that up no problem

9. I’m great with horses, if that helps

10. I’m pretty into magic and shit

11. Senate or emperor, I don’t really care who I report to as long as I can still get first pick of the grain shipments every March

12. I would happily wave grandly to peasants as I passed through a silent, awe-struck crowd, happy to give them a thrill

13. I would have no problem with the low status of 99% of Roman women as long as I got to own property and walk in public without wearing a hat or whatever special stuff we get to do, I would abandon all pretenses at solidarity for like eight nice hair ribbons and a retirement farm

14. If I had to I guess I could force myself to live in a magical witch house with a bunch of women who have been legally emancipated from all men and whose only responsibility is “start fires”

15. Carthage must be destroyed

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