Previously: Why I Think I Would Make An Excellent Medieval Peasant And You Should Consider Me For The Position.
I would have made an excellent Vestal Virgin for the following reasons, and I urge you strongly to consider my application:
1. I am willing to sacrifice sexual contact with men, for the good of the people
2. Drape-y, flowing dresses suit me enormously
3. I would be amenable to being carried about the city on a magnificent litter, bedecked in fresh flowers and borne on the shoulders of silent, respectful men
4. I can keep a fire from going out, probably, as long as that’s mostly all I have to do
5. It pretty much seems like the job mostly involves wearing stretchy fabrics and not talking to men and I feel like I could bring a lot to the table as a full-time blogger
6. I also look good with my hair up
7. I’ve read Anne of Green Gables a bunch of times, which feels relevant somehow, although I’m not exactly sure why
8. If you need me to do any sort of fancy weaving or whatever I’m sure I could pick that up no problem
9. I’m great with horses, if that helps
10. I’m pretty into magic and shit
11. Senate or emperor, I don’t really care who I report to as long as I can still get first pick of the grain shipments every March
12. I would happily wave grandly to peasants as I passed through a silent, awe-struck crowd, happy to give them a thrill
13. I would have no problem with the low status of 99% of Roman women as long as I got to own property and walk in public without wearing a hat or whatever special stuff we get to do, I would abandon all pretenses at solidarity for like eight nice hair ribbons and a retirement farm
14. If I had to I guess I could force myself to live in a magical witch house with a bunch of women who have been legally emancipated from all men and whose only responsibility is “start fires”
15. Carthage must be destroyed
Tags: history, rome, the glory that was rome, vestal virgins
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LIFE GOALS.
Do I get to be as lovely as the woman in the painting? Because I’ll join up too, if that’s the case.
Carthage _must_ be destroyed.
I mean, Carthago ain’t gonna delenda itself, amiright?
Carthago NON delenda est. Thank you, Mary Gentle.
In my head, all Vestal Virgins are Sue Perkins because of the Roman Empire ep of Supersizers Go where she danced around muttering “Oh, Vesta.. you’re the greatest….”
“You’re really good at stuff…”
Sue Perkins for President.
Also very willing to guard the Secret Sibylline Oracles; I’d only take a peek twice a month, tops.
If vestal virgin had been an occupation in Edwardian Canada, young!Anne Shirley would have signed up in a HEARTBEAT.
‘If I had to I guess I could force myself to live in a magical witch house with a bunch of women who have been legally emancipated from all men and whose only responsibility is “start fires”’
seriously would be a dream come true.
Mallory had me at “carried about the city on a magnificent litter, bedecked in fresh flowers and borne on the shoulders of silent, respectful men.”
This particular line makes it clear to me that when my best friend and I set up housekeeping together in thirty years, Golden Girls-style, we will have to post a framed copy of this in the lanai.
Sounds suspiciously like my years at Smith…
I knowwwwww. I’m going to use this image to relax before bed from now on I think.
brb rewriting my resume
Cato the Elder is in your corner!
Dear Ms. Ortberg. Although your application was most interesting, I regret to say that on this occasion you have been unsuccessful. Should you still be interested in working for Rome, please report to the Campus Sceleratus where an alternative position has unexpectedly become available
OK I do not get this joke: would she be buried in the ground? Would she be the person burying people? The only things that this is a punishment for is having sex with a dude: how does that apply? Please explain.
Uuuuuugh I knew I shouldn’t have lost my virginity.
one thing I meant to ask about in my history classes but never did was what with all the miserable things that happen to a vestal who fucks around and any man who touches her, what happens if you just lie? like, they ask you, have you consorted with men, and you say “no”
not sure but I think that would work
“Don’t believe me? Go ahead, try Helga!”
I am one million percent here for this unexpected Cabaret reference.
The good news is you don’t have to be a virgin to become a Vestal Virgin!
I have probably watched this video on Vestal Virgin hair too many times, but it NEVER GETS LESS INTERESTING. http://youtu.be/epz7n8uYXQY
(On a related note, it makes me feel sad about the piddling French braid I’m wearing today.)
I love this website. I saw this and was like, “I should find that Vestal Virgin hair tutorial and post it,” but of course Toast commenters have that covered.
(Her other videos too! I want to wear my hair like Faustina the Younger every day, but alas, I am SO LAZY.)
Ah! This is so cool!
yeah….just gonna spend the next few hours watching historically accurate hair tutorials
Ok, Imma just seethe in envy of that model’s hair for a bit.
Omgggg, so much work for a hairstyle that is just covered up with a bunch of stuff. I’d be wearing a messy bun under there.
I would also like another video of that model’s make-up because it’s perfect too.
This was . . . totally mesmerizing. A hairstyle archaeologist! She is my new favourite thing.
Well, there goes the rest of my weekend…
I thought all I would have to do is wear this vest and I’d stay a virgin. Oh, well.
Is it too late to stick it to the Roman Man and start our own Vestal Virgins Club?
Okay, but BE CAREFUL, because you may be forced into marrying THE INVENTOR OF WHOOPEE CUSHIONS: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elagabalus
If he looked like Mat Baynton as Elegabalus on Horrible Histories, I think I could live with my disgrace. (Or die when I was executed after his assassination, whatever.)
Your application would really stand out from the pack if you got Joshua Reynolds to paint you as a votary of the Three Gratiae
It is somehow very reassuring to know that olden-dayes-people who were literally paying for a flattering portrayal also had Chin Issues when portrayed from below.
I was looking through Wikipedia this weekend for NaNo inspiration, and…did you know there were lady witch gang fights in ancient Rome? Because there totally were: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Larzac_tablet
(My NaNo story abruptly shifted direction after I found that out.)
Nooo wayyy
ok THIS is the coolest
dammit where do I find the actual text I need to know how to say ‘die bitch die’ in Gaulish
omg omg omg omg omg this is the best
Oh it’s only like the dream job of ancient Roman lesbians. I’ll be your understudy.
just keep in mind that if shit goes south you will definitely be buried alive
I would be so into being a vestal virgin, but I just do not have the right hair type for their hairdo. 🙁
Delenda est Cathago!
“If I had to I guess I could force myself to live in a magical witch house with a bunch of women who have been legally emancipated from all men and whose only responsibility is “start fires.” #LivingtheDream
I don’t think I’d fulfil the virgin part, but I do look good in drapey headresses and halterneck style attire so I’ll keep it in mind if Plan A profession doesn’t work out.
Also, great interview Mallory! “http://www.theguardian.com/books/2014/nov/03/mallory-ortberg-the-toast-interview Seeing the phrase “I think it’s really helpful to say, “Abortion is sometimes a really good idea that just makes your life better.” ‘ in print makes me happy, proud and then sad that it’s never talked about in mainstream media in a positive light.
I don't think I'd fulfil the virgin part, but I do look good in drapey headresses and halterneck style attire so I'll keep it in mind if Plan A profession doesn't work out.
Also, great interview Mallory! "http://www.theguardian.com/books/2014/nov/03/mallory-ortberg-the-toast-interview Seeing the phrase "I think it’s really helpful to say, “Abortion is sometimes a really good idea that just makes your life better.” ' in print makes me happy, proud and then sad that it's never talked about in mainstream media in a positive light.
1) Forsake all men.
2) Burn things.
3) Profit.
Let’s make this happen. 21st Century Vestal Virgins*.
*Sexual status/activity is not necessarily a limitation.
Also let’s not burn anyone alive for breaking (most) rules.
This post is literally all about worshiping an ancient goddess, and still the most mythical creature included is 'silent, respectful men'
Also you get to get high off natural gas then people write down your hallucinations but instead of making fin of the, call them the word of the gods.