Previously: Please accept my application to become a Valkyrie.
1. Like Jane Eyre, my “organ of veneration” is enormous and I would do an excellent job swearing fealty to someone God had rightly set above me in the natural order. This would free me both from the burden of emotional responsibility and decision-making while also unleashing my natural propensity for viciousness towards anyone who has offended the people I love.
2. I am already a landowner, I possess roughly 2400 feet of mostly concrete in the hills of California and will gladly quarter as many of the king’s horses as is physically practical upon my modest estate (I think probably two in the backyard and one in the carport).
3. My hatred for the thrice-damned Merovingians is equalled only by my hatred for paintings that demonstrate an accurate use of perspective, and the market economy.
4. I would have no problem allowing peasants use some of my property to set their pigs a-grazing on, as long as I could keep one out of every ten or so pigs.
5. I oppose both the spread of guilds and the Dutch.
6. I am prepared already to join either the noblesse d’épée or the noblesse de robe, as I already own both a pretty fair fencing épée and a wizard’s robe that I got off the Internet.
7. I know a reasonable amount of Latin (mostly from the Wiccan scenes on Buffy, studying Latin roots in high school English, and a brief fascination with High Anglicanism during a semester at Oxford); certainly enough to get through an hommage service.
8. I would very much enjoy escaping a life of physical labor and periodic famines.
9. I am willing to oppose social mobility in all forms, excepting my own, and even then only in an upwardly direction.
10. I rode English-style for a few years during junior high and have a fairly steady seat, so I would stand a reasonable chance of making it through a calvalry charge.
11. I’m happy to invade Scotland or give away my sons to the Scots, or whatever.
12. My greatest fears are Lutherans, mercantilism, and a united France.
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.