You’re wearing an expensive coat that your wife paid for. You hate her for it.
You are Dick Van Dyke.
You’re taller, more polished, better dressed, and have better diction than the investigating detective assigned to your late wife’s case, and yet you know he’s the better man.
You have carefully groomed facial hair.
You are either a highly paid psychiatrist, a world-renowned composer, a high-ranking naval officer, or a mystery novelist with a pilot’s license.
You are insufferably smug, and rude to waiters, valet staff, elevator attendants, and your own relatives.
You are either brusque and indifferent or overly affectionate to dogs.
You have offered Lieutenant Columbo a higher-paying job, an expensive glass of scotch, or a better brand of cigar than the one he is currently smoking.
You are wearing a turtleneck under a camel-hair sportcoat.
Columbo has asked you a serious of innocuous questions about the value of your home. You are outwardly composed while answering him, but your smile does not reach your eyes.
You drink French wine, wear Italian suits, smoke Cuban cigars, have a Swiss bank account, and drive a foreign car.
Your patience is wearing thinner than your mustache.
Your wife and your mistress have either never met, or they are best friends. One either has no idea you are about to murder the other, or she is your willing accomplice.
Your cravats, like your alibis, become increasingly elaborate.
You are Robert Culp or Jack Cassidy. Failing that, you are Patrick McGoohan.
If you are a woman, you dress like Margaret Dumont in a Marx Brothers film. If you are a man, you dress like Thurston Howell III.
Columbo has earnestly asked your opinion on more than one occasion about fine dining, wine, art, and what kind of shoes to buy.
Your step-daughter hates you.
You are shocked, shocked to learn that you could possibly be considered a suspect, but your shock is polite and amused and you are perfectly willing to entertain the detective’s theories as long as they don’t make you late for lunch.
No matter how long you leave your yacht cap on, it never seems to muss up your hairstyle.
Your house is filled with objets d’art that are all heavy enough to have been used as a murder weapon.
Although you are a native of Los Angeles, you speak with a flawless Mid-Atlantic accent. Your consonants could cut glass.
You are a member of Mensa, Phi Beta Kappa, the DAR, or the Trilateral Commission.
You have a manicure, get a massage, or play tennis while being interviewed by the police.
You become 20% less genial toward the police every ten minutes.
You thought you were the cat in this particular game; in fact you have always been the mouse.
When they finally take you away, a part of you is relieved, even grateful to have been beaten by so worthy an opponent. You smile a small, wry smile, and at least it reaches your eyes.
The real giveaway is how they’re shown murdering someone in the first ten minutes.
Also, if they’re a woman they’re either a cool, icy-toned blonde, or a rich, glossy brunette. Redheads are mistresses. (I base this of only about 20 Columbo episodes) No-one has mousey hair.
My beautiful genius husband bought me all of Columbo for my birthday this year, which was doubly brilliant since I had emergency surgery on my actual birthday and nothing, but nothing, is better for the drug-addled recovery phase of lying around on the couch unable to sleep or read than a Columbo marathon.
I plowed through most of the ’70s episodes immediately, even the ones I’d already rewatched recently on basic cable, then stopped short so I’d still have some left to savor, which was an error: it means I have plenty of Fisher Stevens and Lindsay Crouse ahead of me. I should’ve stopped when I still had some Martin Landau in snappy ’70s loungewear or Jack Cassidy in a jaunty ascot to look forward to.
SERIOUS gold star for your beautiful genius husband, indeed.
Mallory, I watched my first Columbo this week (that is to say, Prescription: Murder) and it was so excellent! I have this weird bias against movies and TV from The Past, thinking of them as boring zones of campy overacting, but Falk is amazing and the pacing was really good. Thank you for your passionate Columbo advocacy, as I’m sure I would never have watched it if not for you.
Okay. Did my husband secretly become the editor of The Toast this week?
I was wondering the same thing, and then mine showed up on this thread, so…. probably?
no
Does Dick van Dyke not get confused with not being Dr Mark Sloan: Crimefighter?
Is Diagnosis Murder available online anywhere? This is vital information for my next sick day
I don’t know but it’s on UK TV at 5pm every day and this brings me JOY.
“Mrs Columbo is a big fan of yours”
It’s a tough job. It is. The audience knows you did it, you know you did it, half your family is sure you did it, and Colombo already seems unfairly sure you did it based solely on a comment you made 4 minutes after meeting him about how you own a VCR. Why is that a clue? You are very well off and VCRs are very expensive and new and why shouldn’t you be able to mention that in casual conversation to a guy who wears a raincoat everywhere?
Can’t stop laughing!
WHO IS THAT MAN IN THE YELLOW JACKET??? I know his face and I can’t think of his name and it will haunt me all day.
Also hi Mallory you are brilliant as always. I am sorry that my weird compulsion to be able to name and place actors in specific movies has distracted me.
It seems to be Robert Culp according to Google.
Ah Google…what an interesting concept.
Can I ask how you searched for him? Just “yellow jacket man”?
Also thank you a million times. It would have bothered me not to place him. I am weird.
if you right click on an image you’re given the option to do a reverse google image search
thank you mallory. __i computer on like a fourth grade reading level.
MALLORY USES CHRO-OME
MALLORY USES CHRO-OME
Firefox doesn’t give this option, but of course one can carry the link address to images.google.com.
In retrospect, how did the Greatest American Hero not figure out that Bob Culp was the villain, every episode? No Columbo he.
That’s Robert Culp. The amazing thing is that Peter Falk actually appears to be even shorter than him.
Robert Culp. (Sorry if I’m the 91st person to say this.)
this is so great
so
great
While nothing can ever compare with the perfection of original Columbo, I would settle for a remake if it starred Misha Collins.
I support Mallory’s proposal for an ever changing columbo.
Maybe one new movie a month every one gets three or four movies plus a thirteenth movie starring the previous years fan favorite
New Years Eve becomes a marathon of that years columbo capped by the extra episode.
Brilliant. I heard a rumour when I was at school that halfway through the run of Jeeves and Wooster, Fry and Laurie swapped roles. No real internet to check back then, but, yes, that seemed right. Yes, now I thought of it, I was sure I remembered Fry’s slightly nasal, posh buffoon and Laurie’s bone-dry civility as Jeeves.
Years later, when seeking it out, I found that no such thing ever happened. Never have I so mourned the loss of something that never existed.
They’re both still around: WE CAN ALWAYS HOPE!!! Of course, they’re rather older now, but there are plenty of late Wodehouses that could be done with a middle-aged J&W.
And, if there are no further questions, then you have some other place that you need to be.
Also, at some point you feel compelled to let the lieutenant know that he’s wasting his time.
It’s Jack Cassidy, who was in fact a mystery novelist *and* is wearing a turtleneck under a camel hair sports coat, so it’s the chair for him.
“Murder by the Book,” Season 1. I don’t know much, but I do know Columbo.
Hi, honey!
SVU:
– You’re a b-list star – not good enough to be the blameless guest star, not bad enough to waste with a walk-on role.
– You’re the brother/sister/stepparent shown off to the side.
– You attend/have attended/teach at/have once walked by Hudson University.
– You had a featured role as a murder victim two years ago.
RUTH GORDON
I came down here to say the same thing! RUTH GORDON
Here’s my favorite Columbo-Beards-The-Lion-In-His-Den Scene (from 1975’s “Identity Crisis”). Patrick McGoohan is SO GOOD at playing an ostentatious prick. The way he lays on the enunciation of “mah jongg” is arguably a greater crime than murder.
“Patrick McGoohan is SO GOOD at playing an ostentatious prick”
Er, yes… “playing”.
“Your patience is wearing thinner than your moustache”. HAH! Well played, madam, well played.
Gotta say, though, I’m more of a “Murder She Wrote” kinda gal. Ooh, and let’s not underestimate the crime fighting luv-errs, “Hart to Hart”. No, wait, what’s the other one with Pierce Bronson & Stephanie Zimbalist? BRB….Remington Steele!
OMG, Remington Steele, how could I forget you? Oof, now I feel incredibly old, kids!
“Your cravats, like your alibis, become increasingly elaborate.” Haha YES. Haven’t watched this show in years and clearly need to remedy that.
Netflix encouraged me to give Murder She Wrote a try, but the first few episodes had NYC scenes filmed clearly in California – So blatant that I gave up and went back to British mysteries (ah yes, the glorious palm trees of the Bronx).
thank you for this prime Columbo Content. my heart is so full.
This is divine.
In the most recent episode I watched, the killer left a distinctive treadmark with his French car, which Columbo recognized because he, too, drives a French car. “…Really?” responded seven other characters (uniformed police officers, the killer, the killer’s coolly blonde psychiatrist mistress) with perfect condescension.
My husband of 2 months poo-poo’ed my idea of going as Columbo this year for Halloween. So my question is: annulment, or divorce for irreconcilable differences?
Murder. Just make sure you’re not wearing a cravat when Columbo turns up.
I dunno. The list is very thorough, but somehow it seems like there ought to be just one more thing.
You are Louis Jordan.
You are secretly envious of the rumpled laissez-faire of the investigating detective.
This was great. I would like to recommend that you do a list like this for Murder She Wrote. Just scrolled up and it looks like I’m not the only one!
Wouldn’t those just be French tires? Now my head hurts a little.
(Weeps)
Also very suspicious if: you have a younger brother with a temper and a great motive, you have a really nice car, you say something like, “if I WAS the murderer,” Colombo finds a clue and doesn’t accuse you of anything, but you shout out smugly, “WELL COLUMBO YOU’RE TALKING TO THE WRONG MAN THOSE ARE LEFT HANDED SCISSORS AND IIIIIIIIIIII AM RIGHT HANDED!”
It should be that you are always Patrick MacGoohan first and foremost. THEN you are Robert Culp or Jack Cassidy.
Every MacGoohan appearence is filet mignon, the finest wine in stock, and a Pixar movie marathon. Nobody pulled off up “pissed-off upper-crust arrogance” like he could.
Also: someone tries to blackmail you.
Corollary: signs that you’re about to die in a Columbo episode:
1) you’re trying to blackmail someone
“You are wearing a turtleneck under a camel-hair sportcoat.”
exception: you are Jim Rockford and you are guest starring in a crossover.
How tell if you’re the murderer on Inspector Morse: you’re an educated woman approaching menopause.
As a huge Columbo fan, thank you to the author and other commentors for making me laugh so much my ribs hurt. My kids bought my the box set for my birthday – best present ever.