Signs That You Are The Only Black Person You Know -The Toast

Signs That You Are The Only Black Person You Know

ByCarvell Wallace

on December 18, 2014 in Humor

1. You are terrified of the word “monkey.”

2. You are fluent in multiple languages, all of them English.

3. People like to ask you if you are upset about something.

4. Your friends speak Ebonics to you when drunk.

5. You speak Ebonics when drunk.

6. You are drunk.

7. You are allergic to watermelon.

8. You are the only person you know who can wear a baseball cap without looking like a complete tool and you are disproportionately pleased by this.

9. When people pronounce your name it feels somehow like they’re being condescending to your mother.

10. Seriously, though, are you upset about something?

11. Your friends always joke that you secretly hate white people.

12. You always joke that you don’t.

13. You have never danced in public.

14. In fact, you once saw a bumper sticker that said “Dance as though no one is watching you” and you briefly considered chasing the driver down, running them off the road, and sending their Subaru wagon careening in a slow-motion explosion over the cliff and into the sea. You did not. Instead you got a chili cheese dog and a chocolate milkshake for breakfast and ate it alone in a parking lot.

15. People like to demonstrate to you that they are not at all racist by saying something extremely racist and then being like “Wouldn’t that be terrible if I said that?”

16. But they did say that.

17. You’ve developed the uncanny ability to loudly cough at the precise moment the n-word comes up in a song. Unrelated, you suffer from severe throat lacerations.

18. I just really feel like you’re upset about something.

19. You are the only person you know who does not suffer from colorblindness.

Carvell Wallace is a father, writer and tech founder. If he had cats, he would name them "Melancholy" and "Ennui." He tweets at @carvellwallace.

Comments (18)

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+101 Vote up Vote down

Bunburying 115p · 537 weeks ago

That is a very non-toolish wearing of a baseball cap indeed, and you are correct to be pleased by this accomplishment.

+80 Vote up Vote down

citizenchristy 120p · 537 weeks ago

The one-two punch of 11 and 12 is legitimately brilliant.

+67 Vote up Vote down

BobOfSeals 138p · 537 weeks ago

20. You are asked to judge your friends "rap battles" despite your preference for folk music.

+55 Vote up Vote down

sdpowell1 112p · 537 weeks ago

"3. People like to ask you if you are upset about something.
10. Seriously, though, are you upset about something?
18. I just really feel like you’re upset about something."

All of my life. Forever and ever.

+12 Vote up Vote down

Rachel · 536 weeks ago

15. Ugh, 15. Always 15.

+19 Vote up Vote down

icebergmama 113p · 536 weeks ago

Oh, oh. This is funny, but also hurts my heart - well done.

+16 Vote up Vote down

Katy · 536 weeks ago

This is really great and I will share widely, but man I really want a chili cheese dog and a chocolate shake now.

+19 Vote up Vote down

Samk12345 114p · 536 weeks ago

20. When you're at karaoke and someone picks a song that has the N word in it but forgot about it and then gets really uncomfortable when they get to that part of the song and then they realize that they know you say the N word in the lyrics when others aren't around or only in the company of close friends so then you also realize you guys aren't that close

+4 Vote up Vote down

vanessanaylon 0p · 536 weeks ago

#2 is my favorite.

+17 Vote up Vote down

Ginevra · 536 weeks ago

my family is multi-racial, and I get the WEIRDEST comments from just about everyone. Then my siblings and I all compare who has heard the Worst of The Week.

1 reply · active 536 weeks ago

+5 Vote up Vote down

OtherRoooToo 109p · 536 weeks ago

Fam!

*embraces*

*but only if it doesn't make you uncomfortable*

+7 Vote up Vote down

kellylgilbert 35p · 536 weeks ago

All of this is really great, but #9 is pure, transcendent perfection.

+12 Vote up Vote down

OtherRoooToo 109p · 536 weeks ago

16. But they did say that.

YAS.

And maybe THAT is what I am upset about.

Maybe.

1 reply · active 536 weeks ago

+6 Vote up Vote down

jmstevenson76 111p · 536 weeks ago

If you were upset.

You're not upset, are you?

+5 Vote up Vote down

craniumrinse · 536 weeks ago

#13 and #14: Get out of my head, you witch!

+10 Vote up Vote down

tracemick · 536 weeks ago

20. I want to share this with people but don't have anyone to share it with...

1 reply · active 534 weeks ago

+17 Vote up Vote down

Carvell Wallace · 534 weeks ago

you can share it with me. I mean... I wrote it, but still. We can help each other out.

+3 Vote up Vote down

cinnatron 103p · 528 weeks ago

Aaaah, how did my radar miss this post? All of these things are my life.

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