1. You are terrified of the word “monkey.”
2. You are fluent in multiple languages, all of them English.
3. People like to ask you if you are upset about something.
4. Your friends speak Ebonics to you when drunk.
5. You speak Ebonics when drunk.
6. You are drunk.
7. You are allergic to watermelon.
8. You are the only person you know who can wear a baseball cap without looking like a complete tool and you are disproportionately pleased by this.
9. When people pronounce your name it feels somehow like they’re being condescending to your mother.
10. Seriously, though, are you upset about something?
11. Your friends always joke that you secretly hate white people.
12. You always joke that you don’t.
13. You have never danced in public.
14. In fact, you once saw a bumper sticker that said “Dance as though no one is watching you” and you briefly considered chasing the driver down, running them off the road, and sending their Subaru wagon careening in a slow-motion explosion over the cliff and into the sea. You did not. Instead you got a chili cheese dog and a chocolate milkshake for breakfast and ate it alone in a parking lot.
15. People like to demonstrate to you that they are not at all racist by saying something extremely racist and then being like “Wouldn’t that be terrible if I said that?”
16. But they did say that.
17. You’ve developed the uncanny ability to loudly cough at the precise moment the n-word comes up in a song. Unrelated, you suffer from severe throat lacerations.
18. I just really feel like you’re upset about something.
19. You are the only person you know who does not suffer from colorblindness.
Tags: but you did say that, carvell wallace, chili cheese dogs are life, humor, race, racism
That is a very non-toolish wearing of a baseball cap indeed, and you are correct to be pleased by this accomplishment.
The one-two punch of 11 and 12 is legitimately brilliant.
20. You are asked to judge your friends “rap battles” despite your preference for folk music.
“3. People like to ask you if you are upset about something.
10. Seriously, though, are you upset about something?
18. I just really feel like you’re upset about something.”
All of my life. Forever and ever.
15. Ugh, 15. Always 15.
Oh, oh. This is funny, but also hurts my heart – well done.
This is really great and I will share widely, but man I really want a chili cheese dog and a chocolate shake now.
20. When you’re at karaoke and someone picks a song that has the N word in it but forgot about it and then gets really uncomfortable when they get to that part of the song and then they realize that they know you say the N word in the lyrics when others aren’t around or only in the company of close friends so then you also realize you guys aren’t that close
#2 is my favorite.
my family is multi-racial, and I get the WEIRDEST comments from just about everyone. Then my siblings and I all compare who has heard the Worst of The Week.
Fam!
*embraces*
*but only if it doesn’t make you uncomfortable*
All of this is really great, but #9 is pure, transcendent perfection.
16. But they did say that.
YAS.
And maybe THAT is what I am upset about.
Maybe.
If you were upset.
You’re not upset, are you?
#13 and #14: Get out of my head, you witch!
If you were upset.
You're not upset, are you?
20. I want to share this with people but don’t have anyone to share it with…
you can share it with me. I mean… I wrote it, but still. We can help each other out.
Aaaah, how did my radar miss this post? All of these things are my life.