Because it is “in season,” which is to say because it is warm here while it is cold in many other places, the traffic is terrible. It takes a very long time to go rather short distances.
There are Canadians and people from Illinois everywhere. Also, there are many Germans.
The elder folk drive at a maddening pace and then I feel bad for thinking something angry about elderly drivers and then something else happens involving an elderly driver.
Spend enough time here and you will catch yourself singing along to Pitbull. And then you will catch yourself adding that song to a Spotify playlist. And then you will catch yourself listening to that song on repeat. Mr. Worldwide!
The radio commercials fall into three general categories—personal injury law, plastic surgery and hair removal, and car loans for people with bad credit. In a commercial for hair removal, a woman talks about her “darker pigmentated skin.” It’s awkward. There’s also a doctor who crows about Brazilian ass implants. And a doctor who crows about discount tummy tucks. There’s even a commercial about how you can finance your plastic surgery. These commercials run nonstop. It’s not a question of if you’re getting plastic surgery down here. It is a matter of when.
I went to get something waxed. The esthetician looked me up and down and said, “Eyebrows too?” I was not there to get my eyebrows done.
Dial 1 – 800 – 411 – PAIN!
I-95 is simply the worst interstate.
There are many toll roads. To get to Miami from the Gulf Coast, you traverse Alligator Alley and rumor has it, there are alligators lurking behind the tall fences on either side.
Drivers make their own rules. The other day, I was in traffic on I-95. Traffic was at a standstill. A man pulled his car onto the shoulder and drove in reverse to the previous exit, three miles away.
There is also a lot of traffic control on the interstate. People get in the left lane and simply stay there, going at exactly the speed limit or a mile or two above. They should know better.
What are turn signals?
You know left turn arrows and traffic lights. When these turn yellow then red, that is merely an invitation for a minimum of five cars to proceed through an intersection and, at times, oncoming traffic.
How do these people afford their exotic luxury cars? I’m asking for a friend.
Pollo Tropical! Every time I drive by one, I shout, “Tropical Chicken!”
There are palm trees and swimming pools everywhere. There are different kinds of palm trees though they all seem rather similar to me.
Golf is a big deal. Sometimes, people drive on actual roads in their golf carts. It does not seem at all safe but they do it anyway.
When it goes below 75, people break out the cold weather gear. This can include boots, jackets, scarves, hats, and gloves. When the temperatures near freezing, gardeners cover all the plants with these white cloths that don’t seem very effective.
It can be 80 degrees outside and some people will still have the heat on.
Either you can speak or understand Spanish or you can’t and if you can’t, I don’t know what to tell you.
The Miami airport is close to the center of hell. The Fort Myers airport is lovely and you can fly there directly from Toronto on Air Canada.
A cross country flight takes six hours.
Tags: miami, Pitbull, plastic surgery, South Florida, Time of My Life
“I-95 is simply the worst interstate.”
From the bottom to the top.
I have a 30 mile commute each way in DC traffic and yet I thank my lucky stars that I never have to drive on 95!
But wait, how long is it with the DC traffic included? Mine is 27 minutes no traffic, 45-75 with.
Ah, but I’m driving out of DC in the morning! So it’s usually only 45 minutes. Though it can get pretty bad. And I do not live in Virginia. Everything is worse in Virginia (from my perspective on this side of the Potomac)
Marylander here, cosigning re. everything (traffic) being worse in Virginia.
The alligators are not rumor. But sometimes they are escaped marine iguanas.
Also Pollo Topical and Publix are the two things I miss most about South Florida.
I was so happy to be able to have Publix subs any time I wanted when I moved back here!
I am going to visit my family in Miami next month, and good Lord, do I have a Pollo Tropical countdown going on in my head.
Also:
pastelitos de coco
Cuban sandwiches
fish that has never been frozen
masitas
parts of my body seeing the sun that have not been so fortunate in months
the smell of things that are green and growing and alive
I…. didn’t like Pollo Tropical. But, I only gave it one chance and never returned.
But Publix!! Oh, I could write love songs about that grocery store. I moved away from South Florida last year, and from having lived in the southeast my whole life. There are no Publixes in my new home. It’s devastating.
TROPICAL CHICKEN! that is a fun thing to say, thank you!
THIS EXISTS, THANK YOU INTERNET
I still think the tagline should be “To understand the future, we must go back in time.. ¡Dale!”
This is everything.
I have sent this to everyone I know now because I love it.
When I was in LA with my family, we decided the drivers fell into two categories: potheads and cokeheads.
When I was in Florida with my family, it changed only slightly: cokeheads and people on opioids.
Ft Myers does have some lovely beaches though, even if it is the 9th trashiest spring break destination or something, according to my brother in law’s girlfriend.
We go down every year or so to visit my in-laws. We are headed down in about two months, going to the Keys this year so looking forward to that. My wife and her family are Cuban so I’m all about the Cuban food.
Here in Tampa FL, the temp was 34 degrees last night. This was a record low for February 19th, beating out 35 degrees on the same date in 1960.
For some reason, Tampa is considered part of “south Florida,” even though anyone looking at a map can clearly see that it is basically in the middle. I suspect that “south Florida” is actually an historical euphemism for “not north Florida, i.e., mile upon mile of cow pastures and unregenerate Klansmen.” Although the world’s largest Confederate flag is on display at the intersection of Interstates 4 and 75, so the region isn’t completely bereft of Southern charm. As a general rule in Florida, the further south you go, the less Southern things are.
It is not strictly necessary to know Spanish in Tampa, although the city tries to nurture an ambiguously positive relationship with its local Hispanic history, which can be safely exploited as “colorful” since the actual Hispanic community is not in danger of overrunning the white folks. Did you know that the Cuban sandwich was invented in Tampa, maybe? The city also had a booming cigar industry at one point, with a concomitant Cuban neighborhood in Ybor City, currently the city’s artistic and cultural center pretty much by default since there is nothing going on anywhere else in Tampa, ever.
There is an annual pirate festival known as Gasparilla, in honor of Jose Gaspar, a pirate who apparently never really existed. Live in Tampa long enough and you too will find that your existence is called into question.
There is no escape from Tampa.
From Orlando, I am. I’ve always heard Central FL as Daytona -> Orlando -> Tampa. Basically anything within ~100 miles of I4. I heard from a friend of a friend that they had ICE on their windshield this morning. What kind of nonsense is that?
It is confusing, I grant you. Of course, in Orlando you have the University of Central Florida, whereas Tampa boasts (?) the University of South Florida. Technically I guess Tampa is further south than Orlando, albeit barely. But I’m guessing it is more likely that when USF was founded, “central Florida” was oranges, and more oranges, and over there yet some more oranges; so they were probably still trying to trick people into thinking of Miami and Tampa as basically neighbors. (Again: 34 degrees.)
By contrast, I understand that UCF started out as a technical college during the Space Race, and didn’t really get going until the post-Disney era, when there was actually a “central Florida” to speak of.
Tampa occasionally also defines itself in terms of “west-central Florida” and “southwest Florida,” which can be interpreted as symptomatic of a massive regional identity crisis, or simply a desire to be anywhere else other than Tampa.
Wikipedia has separate articles on “South Florida” and “Central Florida,” but adds that there is no firm consensus on what the regions encompass, and effectively throws its hands up in disgust. The strong implication is that nobody in Florida has a clue about their surroundings or of what is going on at any time, a stereotype which I personally am ill-equipped to refute.
Gainesville–holding it down for North-Central Florida! (which I take to mean we’re farther north than Orlando, but not in the pull of Jacksonville or the Panhandle). So many ways to divide up a state with so few east-west roads.
The important thing about Gasparilla, I hear, is that the day drinking starts at 3pm the previous day? idek.
I was born in Tampa and THANK GOD my parents moved back to Jacksonville where my mom’s family was because every time I go back (and I lived in Sarasota for a year for school, and my grandmother lived in Seminole, so I’ve had lots of reasons to), it was just depressing. Jacksonville is depressing in its own way, but at least it doesn’t feel worn out and sad. (it’s getting there, though, as urban sprawl destroys the beautiful nature)
prolly not as awful as orlando, though, because fuck orlando. (but winter park has some p. good restaurants, if you can ever get to Ravenous Pig or Cask & Larder you should, everyone should)
Ft. Myers's airport is indeed delightful! As soon as I get off the plane there I always feel, instantly, as if the world has improved by 75%.
I lived in Florida my entire life, 30 years, and have never been further south than the general I-4 area and also Sarasota. I should make a trip to South Florida sometime. My sister lives down there now, and I’ve always wanted to spend a day in the Everglades (I fucking love the state parks – Myakka and Little Talbot Island are my two favorites – and am SUPER happy to take a picnic and a book and an MP3 player and just wander a bit and watch the bugs and birds a bit and sit a bit as the mood takes me it’s the best really)
But it’s so strange sometimes how foreign south Florida sounds to my experiences up in north Florida, and then there’s things like Publix and Pollo Tropical and radio advertising themes and hatred of the interstate and inability to bear temperatures less than 75 that tie us together. (Seriously: we’re so used to dealing with 90+ and 80% humidity 6 months out of the year, and 80+ another 4 months that when it’s not that hot/humid, we aren’t equipped to cope. Also, we REALLY want an excuse to wear cute/cozy winterish clothes.)
Also, again, the commercials! So many ambulance chasers. Morgan & Morgan…. I felt so betrayed when I learned that they aren’t LOCAL and PERSONAL the way they try to sound in the ads. “We’re here to fight for you (offices: Jacksonville)”. I will never, ever trust them. Ever.
I’m from Boca and I drive like an old person because my grandpa taught me. But I have taken myself off the road because now I live in nyc, so I don’t need to drive. You’re welcome, everybody!
I hear you on idiots blocking the passing lane.
Moved to Texas. Reviewed traffic laws in case getting a TX driver license required passing a test. Delighted to learn it is illegal in Texas to remain in the left lane without passing.
Been in Texas 2 years now. That wonderful law? Not enforced. ::sigh::
God this makes me miss South Florida so much.