Notes From South Florida -The Toast

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Because it is “in season,” which is to say because it is warm here while it is cold in many other places, the traffic is terrible. It takes a very long time to go rather short distances.

There are Canadians and people from Illinois everywhere. Also, there are many Germans.

The elder folk drive at a maddening pace and then I feel bad for thinking something angry about elderly drivers and then something else happens involving an elderly driver.

Spend enough time here and you will catch yourself singing along to Pitbull. And then you will catch yourself adding that song to a Spotify playlist. And then you will catch yourself listening to that song on repeat. Mr. Worldwide!

The radio commercials fall into three general categories—personal injury law, plastic surgery and hair removal, and car loans for people with bad credit. In a commercial for hair removal, a woman talks about her “darker pigmentated skin.” It’s awkward. There’s also a doctor who crows about Brazilian ass implants. And a doctor who crows about discount tummy tucks. There’s even a commercial about how you can finance your plastic surgery. These commercials run nonstop. It’s not a question of if you’re getting plastic surgery down here. It is a matter of when.

I went to get something waxed. The esthetician looked me up and down and said, “Eyebrows too?” I was not there to get my eyebrows done.

Dial 1 – 800 – 411 – PAIN!

I-95 is simply the worst interstate.

There are many toll roads. To get to Miami from the Gulf Coast, you traverse Alligator Alley and rumor has it, there are alligators lurking behind the tall fences on either side.

Drivers make their own rules. The other day, I was in traffic on I-95. Traffic was at a standstill. A man pulled his car onto the shoulder and drove in reverse to the previous exit, three miles away.

There is also a lot of traffic control on the interstate. People get in the left lane and simply stay there, going at exactly the speed limit or a mile or two above. They should know better.

What are turn signals?

You know left turn arrows and traffic lights. When these turn yellow then red, that is merely an invitation for a minimum of five cars to proceed through an intersection and, at times, oncoming traffic.

How do these people afford their exotic luxury cars? I’m asking for a friend.

Pollo Tropical! Every time I drive by one, I shout, “Tropical Chicken!”

There are palm trees and swimming pools everywhere. There are different kinds of palm trees though they all seem rather similar to me.

Golf is a big deal.  Sometimes, people drive on actual roads in their golf carts. It does not seem at all safe but they do it anyway.

When it goes below 75, people break out the cold weather gear. This can include boots, jackets, scarves, hats, and gloves. When the temperatures near freezing, gardeners cover all the plants with these white cloths that don’t seem very effective.

It can be 80 degrees outside and some people will still have the heat on.

Either you can speak or understand Spanish or you can’t and if you can’t, I don’t know what to tell you.

The Miami airport is close to the center of hell. The Fort Myers airport is lovely and you can fly there directly from Toronto on Air Canada.

A cross country flight takes six hours.

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