Toasters, will eating all of the deviled eggs guarantee warmth and spring?Apparently, we lose an hour of sleep this Sunday, but tell me, WHAT DO WE GAIN?!
Open thread!
Tags: open thread
Toasters, will eating all of the deviled eggs guarantee warmth and spring?Apparently, we lose an hour of sleep this Sunday, but tell me, WHAT DO WE GAIN?!
Open thread!
Tags: open thread
Toasties, I’m a homeowner!
We were supposed to go to closing yesterday, but because of all the snow in the forecast we rushed and got it done the night before. But, again, because of the snow, we couldn’t get the keys (until the wire transfer went through) and we spent all day yesterday moping because we were trapped in our apartment and couldn’t get to our house. I finally went to pick the keys up this morning! But it was still too snowy to actually get to the house. So I’m pouting at home and watching The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. I suppose life could be worse.
Also, we got enough of a tax refund that we think we can create a whole room dedicated to cat shelves, we want a bunch of the things from this etsy shop.
So my fellow DC area (or anyone with frozen precipitation from the sky) Toasties, how have your snow days gone?
Congratulations!
Congratulations!
Congratulations!!!!!
Hooray for coming home! I hope you have a great time building those cat shelves – please report back with pics!
My snow day is actually a work-from-home day but I’m taking the opportunity to OxiClean soak my couch pillow covers. Let me tell you – that shit is SATISFYING.
OMG I can’t even imagine, we got a basic white chair from Ikea and now it’s more of a beige. Obviously OxiClean is the answer!
Congrats on the house! I had some friends close on a house immediately before one of the Boston blizzards– they moved their stuff ok, but then were without internet for a long time because Comcast had forgotten to lay the cable before the storm… hope you get to your new digs soon.
Congratulations! And a room dedicated to cat shelves sounds amazing. Although thinking about it, our living room is basically cat territory already (they tolerate us to visit if we pet them sufficiently in return), maybe I should just add some cat shelves there…
Congratulations on the house! I spent my snow day sleeping til midafternoon. Ventured out to get a sandwich and a toasted marshmallow mocha from the cafe down the street and spent the evening watching Moulin Rouge under warm blankets. Perfect.
That sounds perfect!
Congratulations, Ms. Homeowner! Hope you are able to get to your house soon. Is the new house in DC, or outside? I grew up in Arlington.
It’s in the Silver Spring/Wheaton area and we tell people that it’s the neighborhood behind the funeral home, because we are super classy like that.
Hey, that’s where my grandma lived. And the funeral home (if I’m guessing correctly) advertised on the book covers provided by my elementary school.
Congratulations! My childhood home is on Glenallen Avenue where it intersects with Randolph Road. I moved away from there almost fourteen years ago, though, and I hear the area has changed a lot!
Congratulations! Also, thank you for that etsy shop link, I am seriously considering cat shelves now. I probably shouldn’t because my cat loves being high up but is also startlingly bad at climbing, jumping, or balancing so it would not necessarily end well.
This week I convinced myself to take a vacation to Chicago this summer, and I am REALLY excited! I know I’ll be hitting up the Art Institute, but does anyone have any other recommendations (especially of the food/restaurant variety)?
Anything with Rick Bayless’ name on it (especially his new place, where my adorable baby cousin works).
Double seconding this suggestion. For the full experience, Frontera Grill is great, but requires reservations/planning most of the time. Xoco is great for a more spur of the moment, casual thing. Heck, even Frontera Fresco, the sandwich-focused food court option on the seventh floor of the downtown Macy’s is pretty darn good. Never did Topolobampo – the high-end of the Bayless options – I’m sure it’s good, but I’ve had transcendent-enough experiences at his other restaurants (once had a chocolate cake baked inside a miniature pumpkin, topped with plum ice cream – the best thing I’ve ever put inside my body) that I never saw the point of paying even more for fancier versions of stuff I could get at his other places.
When we went to Chicago in October we had dinner out at Avec (http://avecrestaurant.com/) and it was pretty good!
My best friend lives there and just gets quiet and serious when she talks about Girl and the Goat. “No, it’s just really, really good. You have to go there. I wouldn’t lie,” she says.
If you can’t get reservations at Girl and the Goat, the same chef/owner (Stephanie Izzard) has a more reasonably priced and easier to get into spinoff called Little Goat. I’ve never been to Little Goat but Girl and the Goat is SO GOOD that I would probably eat anything Stephanie Izard had deigned to look at. So I assume Little Goat is amazing too.
Also I recommend M. Henry on Clark street or an Ann Sather for brunch.
Little Goat is amazing – it’s diner-style food, delicious and not extravagantly priced. Highly recommend as an alternative to Girl and the Goat!
Little Goat is fantastic! Tons of variety, really fun place to eat.
Oh man, both of places sound incredibly wonderful. I’m so hungry after looking at their menus.
Longman and Eagle. Just, if you go out for one expensive meal, make it that one.
Recommended restaurants:
Mr. Beef (666 N Orleans) for an Italian Beef sandwich – it’s a conspicuously dive-y spot in a high-rent neighborhood, which I love, and the people working there are great.
River Roast (315 N LaSalle) or Wishbone (1001 W Washington or 3300 N Lincoln) for brunch.
The Chicago Architecture Foundation does really great city tours. They have a bunch of different walking tours that are super cheap but they also have boat, bus, and segue tours. I’ve really been wanting to take their “L” tour!
I’ve taken one of the boat tours and agree that it was excellent. It was not cheap, but I did feel like it was worth it.
Oooh that does sound fun and interesting! Thanks for the suggestion!
I just visited last summer and had a great time! Food-wise, we liked Big Star in Wicker Park for tacos and Glazed & Infused for donuts (lots of locations). We hit Giordano’s for deep dish pizza and I get the impression it’s kind of tourist-trappy, but we liked it. Looooong wait though.
Millennium Park has a great Gehry bandshell with tons of free concerts in the summer; lots of people brought picnics and wine, and the weather was perfect. We didn’t plan it, but it was one of my favourite things we did!
if you’re at all into architecture, the Architecture Foundation tours are great! And be sure to see what’s going on in Millennium Park when you’re there, the free concerts are crowded but worth checking out.
My usual nice-weather-times thing to do is pick a restaurant and a bar a few miles apart and have a nice long walk. Humboldt Park –> north on Kedzie to have a drink at Scofflaw –> north on Kedzie to Logan Square where Longman & Eagle is would be a good one. Art Institute –> Girl & Goat would take you right through downtown.
I do love some nice long walks! All these ideas are great; I didn’t think it was possible to get more pumped for my trip but all of these suggestions have my mind humming with excitedment. Thanks!
Good Chicago pizza is a matter of personal preference; my vote is for anything done by the Malnati dynasty, but especially Lou Malnati’s. There’s this little mini-chain called Pizano’s that has both Malnati pizza and really good family-style Italian.
There’s a lot of neat free stuff in Chicago if you’re willing to look. Example itinerary: hit the botanic garden around noon, poke around the marsh sites on your way to the Lincoln Park Zoo at 3-ish, and have dinner at the Pizano’s on Madison around 5:30. Get out in time to mess around Millennium Park and get a good seat for one of the free concerts. (If you sit by one of the swanky groups with picnics, they’ll probably share.)
To Do: The Field Museum!!! Their permanent exhibits are fantastic, especially the dinosaurs/evolution exhibit (there are GIANT SLOTH skeletons) and the ancient Americas exhibit. And the gems. Also the riverboat architectural tours. For a cheap option, check out the small but amazing collection of Near Eastern art and artifacts at The Oriental Institute, on the University of Chicago campus (full disclosure, I was a museum guard there for two years, so I think it’s pretty great).
To Drink: check out all our local breweries!! Many of them give cheap brewery tours, and are accessible by train. Especially recommended: Half Acre, where a $10 tour gets you 3 full-size pint pours. However, you must eat breakfast, or you won’t make past 1 and a half.
To Eat: Everything. The Girl and the Goat. Frontera Grill, Topolobambo and Xoco (Rick Bayless’ restaurants). Ethnic cuisine of every kind. Korean tacos at Del Seoul (Lincoln Park), incredible Thai food at Rainbow Thai (Lincoln Square), Korean BBQ at San Soo Gab San (Lincoln Square), smoked fish at Calumet Fisheries (95th St.), brunch at Nana Organic (Bridgeport). I can’t think of any more right now because there’s too much good stuff.
See all the things! Eat all the things!
GOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING!
I have to go to court this morning, and I have the farts something fierce. Wish me luck!
I am sorry that this is happening to you but this also made me laugh out loud.
Embrace the farts! A well-timed sonorous fart can emphasize your points, while a strategic silent-but-deadly can confuse and derail your opponents.
Any way you can arrange to take a dog and/or baby with you? Someone needs to take the blame.
This has all the classic markings of a future Toast piece. I’ll be counting the days.
“What’s that smell, you ask? JUSTICE.”
I’m back, I won, and no audible farts. It’s quite the day!
Blame it on the bailiff! Or the stenographer. Remember, he who smelt it dealt it holds up in the court of law.
omg speaking of the stenographer, would they have a professional obligation to record any audible farts in the court transcripts???
Art thread! I’ve been playing with digital painting, here are some practice runs:
Love your first image! Colour and composition are spot on!
Thank you!
Wow! I’m way impressed.
Thanks! I’m just starting out, so I’m pretty happy with the results.
Whoa. 🙂
I love just about anything with a chipmunk. CHIPMUNKS!!!!!
But seriously, the grayscale shading in that is just lovely.
Thank you!
We had a meetup last weekend in a country that rhymes with “pants”! We ate infinite amounts of Chinese hotpot and had a lovely discussion. Shoutout to the handful of people who were there–it was nice to meet you 😉 I do so love the Toast community.
I seriously spent about 20 seconds wondering “what country rhymes with pants?” before moving on the next sentence and realizing I was at that meetup. Nice to meet you too! (Anne)
Toasties: never go to school to be a teacher.
(Unless you’re a francophone in Canada, then I guess you’re fine.)
I have recently gone back to school to be a teacher, and I second this statement (with some degree of inner conflict!)
There’s so much red tape and so many hoops to jump through, and waiting on the other side are budget battles and a PR campaign that makes public school teachers the enemy. It’s so hard and sad!
I’d quit the program, except for the feeling I get when I’m actually IN a classroom with students, and how I plan lessons when I’m having a hard time falling asleep, and because fuck the naysayers.
Amen (as a 6-year vet with 1 degree too many in said arena)
I hesitate to suggest this because it’s potentially sensitive, but if you’re in Canada, is the Catholic school system an option? My mother is pretty agnostic but when she was trying to get into teaching she found the only way she could was by going to a Catholic church regularly (and framing it as “returning to her childhood beliefs”) and subbing for the Catholic schools. As far as I remember, there’s no requirement that you actually BE Catholic, just that you go to church.
We need a letter of recommendation from a priest to get into Catholic education classes, even. It’s kind of brutal – as someone who grew up RC, we don’t want to be disrespectful and build a reputation with a priest just to use it. I appreciate the idea, though! I don’t know when they started asking for things like a Priest’s recommendation.
Deviled eggs are banned at my house due to an unfortunate incident early in our relationship, which involved MrChouffe producing such toxic fumes that I was not only pushed out of the bedroom, but onto a completely different floor of the house we were staying in.
I am weirdly excited by DST this year, because it means that outdoor running after work can be a thing that happens again and it has been too damn long.
It’s intern interview week and I’m in event planning hell, AND it’s been so damn cold that the sewer pipes and water lines to my building are frozen solid. Please send booze and/or kittens and/or Chris Pine.
I just did my first outdoor, after work run, and the darkness by the end of it was pretty disconcerting. I’m ready for the sun, too!
I MISS RUNNING OUTSIDE. My last outdoor run that wasn’t an organized race was right before Halloween and it was really scary and unpleasant and dark and nearly-getting-hit-by-cars-filled. GIVE ME SUN.
I am SO excited about outdoor running after work. I don’t care at all about losing an hour this weekend, bring on the evening runs!
SING IT
Daylight savings time is literally one of my favorite holidays. It’s going to be light out till like SEVEN O’CLOCK!! That’s summer hours!
Bring on the daylight! Woo Hoo!
Now that I think about it, daylight savings time – the spring forward edition is one of my favorite holidays too!
Amazing! Fantastic! Seattle is so damn dark way too goddamn early. I’m with you, it’s a wonderful day!
I’ve never understood why people complain about DST. I mean, it’s an extra hour of daylight. What’s not to like? Our sleeping schedules are messed up in this culture of artificial light, anyway. One hour of tweaking twice a year is a totally acceptable trade, IMO.
But it’s not an extra hour of daylight … ? I don’t understand why folks think it is. (Seriously confused! Not snarking!)
For me, it rearranges the day so that I have an extra hour of useful daylight. It isn’t nearly as useful for me to have it be light in the hour I’m getting ready for work as it is to have an hour of daylight after work, when I can run errands or get outside.
I would much, much rather have that daylight while I’m waking up and getting ready in the morning. Monday will be a sad, sad day for me!
Yeah – I go the gym before work a few times a week (well, sometimes this is more theory than practice but still) and it’s never *easy* to get up and out the door that early but post time-change it is just brutal. Catching a train at 6am, knowing there’s a good hour and a half before sunrise is such a bummer.
For those of us who regularly wake before the sun rises, it sure seems like the gift of an extra hour. Oh, the joy of waking up when it’s not midnight-dark outside!
Huh. I am out of the house before dark and back after dark regardless, at least until later in spring, so I guess it never made a difference to me. Thanks for clarifying 🙂
I take the bus a lot at night and do a lot of walking in the dark after I get off work at 6:30. With the change people can see me and being a pedestrian is a hell of a lot safer.
It’s an extra hour of EVENING daylight. Which makes a huge difference in terms of things like walking/biking home in the evening, or just making the day feel longer.
I usually leave the house between 7-7:30, which means that except in the depths of winter the sun is up (or at least rising) when I leave the house, but in the evening, I usually don’t leave work till 6, so having the sun stay up later in the evening means that I am more likely to get home before it sets (though it usually takes till summer before that happens, since I have a very long commute)
We dislike it because with our kids, it can mess up their sleep schedules for a week or two, since they still get tired and wake up at the same times, those times are now just different on the clock. So on Monday morning I might have to wake my daughter up an hour before her body wants to be awake. 🙁
Oh, ugh, I hadn’t thought about having to deal with kids. Bleh. Condolences!
*grumble* I hate it so much. I hate losing the hour of nighttime/sleeping, I hate the fact that it means summer will be a Thing again, I hate knowing I won’t be able wear a coat soon, I hate every single person I encounter at work/in public enthusiastically telling me how excited I should be about SUN and SUMMER and WARM and ugh. Hate hate hate it. I am the perpetual rain on every normal person’s parade. *retreats back to her grumpy old lady cave*
This week alone was somehow more depressing than the entire winter so far. I think because we got a dark but warm (40ish) day followed by darker, colder days. Stayed home sick yesterday but could not for the life of me tell whether the physical exhaustion was due to a virus or just a lack of light. So, to make up for that…
Mini link roundup of happy things for you lovely people:
Spa and hotel in Japan that I would love to visit. Maybe one day I’ll be able to take my family, and my mom and I can get fancy herbal massages while my dad and brother explore the town.
Look at this sweet mosaic.
Inspiring and witchy pantry! I wish I had the time and space to do something like that. I cannot wait until my home is full of plants and animals and light.
Candle that smells like a tarot deck.
Witchy pantry! I like the space for drying, though living in a damp climate I personally get the best results just spreading herbs out on a cookie sheet and leaving it in the oven for the pilot light to dry them out. I aspire to one day living in an old house with an actual pantry room, but we’ll see…
That witchy pantry is amazing. I can’t wait to live in an actual house with an actual kitchen!
Ooh that spa is right near Hida Takayama! It’s a lovely area, you’ll have a great time 🙂
i am so glad that it is almost the weekend. work has been stressful and my brain is being a giant turd and all i want to do is hunker down with my parents and eat hamantaschen.
Why is everyone talking about hamantaschen lately???
It’s Purim!
Oh they’re the triangle cookies!! I don’t think I had ever heard of them by any other name?
yesterday was purim! it’s a traditional purim cookie. yummm
See this is where I should have just googled the word instead of wondering what was going on – I knew OF the traditional Purim cookie but not what it was called and could have saved myself some public embarrassment. Happy Purim!
haha, not embarrassing at all! happy purim to you as well…search out some cookies!
Someone gave me a hamantaschen stuffed with BROWNIE this week, so that pretty much changed my life.
!!!!
damnnnn
my favorites are the ones with the poppy seed feeling. gimme it all.
You guys, I am SO GRUMPY today. Why does my body insist on being a garbage nightmare all the time? Harumph. Can you guys share some cute animal pictures to cheer me up please?
Pearl the Pig 4 life: https://instagram.com/livesweetphotography/
I don’t know but I’m having a lot of body issues lately too (this is part of why I need to leave my very physically-demanding job) and I am sick of it. Who do I speak to about getting a replacement?
!!!!!!!!!<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3!!!!!! Hedgehogs 4eva
HEDGIEEEEEE.
Ta da!
OMG
SNUGGLEBUN
It’s been out for a couple weeks now but everyone should buy a copy of Fred Clark’s Anti-Christ Handbook http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00TXWK43Y/ref=mp_s…
Its excellent and a great discussion of bad writing and bad theology and you should be giving him 4 dollars regardless.
Hooray for Fred Clark!
oh YAY I read some of these a while ago but, life got in the way. Now I can read them all. Thanks!
In totally shocking news that is sure to surprise everyone, a massive study has found that men are more entitled and narcissistic than women. http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/290511.p…
Wow, who’da thunk it?!?!
I stayed at my boyfriend’s place last night, and he has three other male late-20s (educated white middle-class humanities-studying) roommates.
In the kitchen this morning, I noticed that across the top of the whiteboard was written “A large majority of men live their whole lives in quiet desperation.”
I did not erase it but I did basically stomp out in an exasperated huff.
I don’t know if it’s a quote or if it has a “why does masculinity feel so oppressive?” context or a “why don’t we get to just shoot everyone we disagree with?” context, but it’s soooooooooooooo narcissistic either way. Ugggggh.
ok, if you would like to be the smug one (no judgment, I would totally do this) you can point out that it’s a misquote: http://www.gutenberg.org/files/205/205-h/205-h.ht… (search for string “mass of”)
Red whiteboard marker!
Does this quote refer to “men” as in “humans?” (as opposed to “male humans?”) (Though I assume Thoreau wasn’t thinking too hard about women when he wrote it?) (I love that there is a comment section on the internet where I can just assume at least one person knows this subject inside and out.)
I would read this as “mankind” — I think your assessment is correct. Thoreau likely would not have been thinking “yeah, this really only applies to dudes,” but neither would he likely have been thinking about, you know, including women in his analysis.
Disclaimer: IANATS (Thoreau Scholar).
Kinda love the mental image though of him meaning “dudes” and just loudly saying this at some social gathering he has deigned to go to and all the women in the room exchanging glances and barely stifled giggles
Thank you! I knew it was gonna be some modernist fucktard. I was betting Joyce though.
Plus I feel like when a lot of men use that quote, what they mean is “my quiet desperation is way more desperate than anyone else’s because sometimes I have to do things I don’t want” which is not only narcissistic but, you know, the opposite of the literal interpretation? (although it’s probably pretty close to Thoreau’s original meaning, because talk about narcissists)
Thoreau is the guy who burnt down 300 acres of Walden Wood, through the grossly irresponsible act of trying to fry some fish in very dry weather and later wrote this: “I have set fire to the forest, but I have done no wrong therein, and now it is as if the lightning had done it. These flames are but consuming their natural food…It has never troubled me from that day to this more than if the lightning had done it. […] I felt that I had a deeper interest in the woods, knew them better, and should feel their loss more, than any or all of them [the other residents of Concord].” If that isn’t madly narcissistic, I don’t know what is.
ughhhhhhh
I know, right??! I had to do a presentation on Thoreau’s Walden in a seminar during my Masters. As you may well know, it’s all about him building a cabin in the woods and extolling the virtues of living the simple life. He omits to mention that he burnt down a lot of it the year before. Also he doesn’t mention that he went back to his Mum’s like once a week to have a proper dinner. The worst though is this most INFURIATING page or two in which he talks about a ‘shiftless’ Irishman with a wife and children who works very hard ‘bogging’ for a pittance and hasn’t quite enough to eat. He says he “tried to help him with my experience” and continues:
“I told him, that as he worked so hard at bogging, he required thick boots and stout clothing, which yet were soon soiled and worn out, but I wore light shoes and thin clothing, which cost not half so much, though he might think that I was dressed like a gentleman (which, however, was not the case), and in an hour or two, without labor, but as a recreation, I could, if I wished, catch as many fish as I should want for two days, or earn enough money to support me a week. If he and his family would live simply, they might all go a-huckleberrying in the summer for their amusement. John heaved a sigh at this, and his wife stared with arms a-kimbo, and both appeared to be wondering if they had capital enough to begin such a course with, or arithmetic enough to carry it through.”
I mean Jesus Christ, Thoreau, you are the most clueless privileged douchebag ever. This is basically a 19th C version of a rich white hippie telling a Bangladeshi factory worker ‘Hey dude, you just need to live simply, just like get back to nature, man, and you could have a holiday’. I explained exactly why Thoreau is despicable at in my presentation. The professor who set me the assignment loved Thoreau and wasn’t very impressed.
A+ presentation.
Yessss! This makes up for that Masters seminar!
both appeared to be wondering if they had capital enough to begin such a course with, or arithmetic enough to carry it through could kill me on the spot and get away with it
Fixed that for you, Thoreau
I need to go lie down. I’m just. So shocked. Look how shocked I am.
you poor puppy. breathe into a paper bag or something!
surprise!!!!
also validating: “However, there was no significant gender difference in regards to exhibitionism, which suggests that men and women are likely to be equally as vain or self-absorbed.”
considering the extreme focus, pressure, and unbelievably high standards pushed on women in regards to appearance, the fact that men and women still come out even? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAaHAHA
HA
“We have talked of Joseph Sedley being as vain as a girl. Heaven help us! the girls have only to turn the tables, and say of one of their own sex, “She is as vain as a man,” and they will have perfect reason. The bearded creatures are quite as eager for praise, quite as finicky over their toilettes, quite as proud of their personal advantages, quite as conscious of their powers of fascination, as any coquette in the world.” – William Makepeace Thackeray
The end of the fiscal year means that performance evaluation time is upon us! (⚆ _ ⚆)
I always get really nervous about this stuff. My first office/govt job was a co-op placement that was part of my MLIS). Less than a month before my boss had to hand in my final performance evaluation, she met with the guy who coordinated the MLIS co-op jobs at my uni and told him she was very impressed with me, I was a pleasure to work with, etc. But then she arbitrarily skewered me on my actual evaluation. I had taken one sick day in the 8 months I was there and she gave me the second-lowest score for “Attendance.”
The most baffling of all was that she had given me the highest possible scores for written and oral communication skills on my previous eval, but on the last one they slid down to the second-lowest as well. I obviously hadn’t forgotten English or started speaking in tongues at the office in the interval, so it was pretty obvious that she was determined to screw me over… but I still don’t know why or what the hell her problem with me was.
Since leaving that job I’ve been lucky to have bosses who are both easy to get along with and also proactive in making constructive criticism, but even though I have no reason to believe that there’s anything wrong with my performance, I’m still worried that I’m going to get blindsided with a negative review.
Can someone come and hold my hand for the rest of the month until this is over?
Sending you internet hand clasp.
I will hold your hand if it will help!
About the performance review… at our partner’s awful company there are rules about the ratings you can give, like you are literally not allowed to give everyone the highest possible scores on everything. There is an average it has to come out to for the department, so when he had people under him and had to do reviews it was a game of ‘Well if I give Bob a 4 in this, then I can’t give him a 4 in this other thing, or we’ll go over average….’ It is pretty much the most ridiculous thing ever but since raises are directly tied to performance evaluations, and there is a budget for raises, the performance evaluations have to reflect how much money is in the budget. I have NO IDEA if something like that was going on at your last job, but it might not have been about you at all!
Wow, your partner’s company’s policies seem very arbitrary and stupid. I don’t think that my co-op job had similar rules in place, though – my first evaluation I scored either highest or second-highest in all categories, and the next one I was significantly lower across the board. It’s like my boss had decided sometime in the 4-month interval between evaluations that she suddenly hated me.
Yep, I worked for a place with similar rules. Both average evaluation scores and average raises were fixed per department, so you were unlikely to get more than one or two “exceeds expectations” per evaluation.
I think it tends to happen in really large places with a lot of beauracracy. They literally could not give a raise that didn’t match the evaluation score. I have never worked at anywhere like that myself, but then all our working was back in the wild and crazy 90s.
At my university, it’s not technically forbidden to give out the highest ranking, but they like to send out Gentle Reminder emails around evaluation season to describe the sort of circumstances under which you could give it out, and their example description is hilarious. It’s along the lines of “This year, in addition to single-handedly defending the university from an alien invasion and saving countless lives, Steven also designed a new tutoring program that directly caused an immediate 70% increase in graduation rates, and our accrediting body was so impressed with it that they gave us immediate Top Tier status and now use our program as the benchmark for excellence.” Merely fending off the aliens OR designing the new tutoring program would not have been enough.
Sympathies. I’m having my first one at my new gig and even though my boss is amazing I am terrified.
Ugh, that is terrible! My boss does two-phase performance evals, where we score ourselves first, and state our goals etc., and then she scores in a second column on the same sheet and we talk about any gaps and plans for the upcoming year. It’s nice because it avoids your situation, I think! Also my adorable amazing coworker, who is a prize winning weight lifter accountant, got hers returned to her with “I won’t accept this, score yourself again,” because she under-rated herself. It was sweet.
That’s absolutely baffling. And so stressful! When things happen at one job which are bad enough to carry stress over into other, future jobs…you know that something was very wrong there.
I had one boss who liked everyone to be competing/at each other’s throats a little, and we had banded together anyway, because we were all friendly, happy people. We worked really well together! All our reviews one year were awful, and she told each of us to remember “no one here is your friend.” How does THAT help performance?
I’m glad future reviews were more constructive, and I’m sure you’re doing well! Hopefully this review is as painless as possible. 🙂 Good luck!
Wow, even in the most cutthroat sales environments there’s usually at least a LITTLE “team spirit” where if the group succeeds everyone succeeds and vice versa, just to motivate people to care… That is very strange.
I’ll hold your hand. Going through the same thing in a few weeks, ’tis the season!
If it’s any help wbm, your attendance here on the comments board is stellar, and your written skills are right up there with the best of everyone. I find you one of the most consistently funny and entertaining thinkers on the Toast.
And those are the kinds of metric that matter, yes?
they SHOULD be
So say we all.
I took the day off so I’m still in my jim jams, sitting in bed, eating strawberries and listening to Heart. When I eventually get out of bed, I’m going to see the Kehinde Wiley show at the Brooklyn Museum. And then tomorrow I’m seeing Red Baraat with a new OKC cutie. Maybe life isn’t a cesspool of slush and snow and MRAs after all…
jim jams ahhhh new pajama word
Best pajama word IMO
Red Baraat is so great! They put on a really fun, energetic show. Enjoyyyyy!
Seconded. That show was so much fun!
I gave notice at my nightmare job and I have a second interview at a wonderful job on Tuesday! Any second-interview advice? I blew through all my insightful questions and witty bon mots at the first interview, so I’ve gotta come up with something else to do.
Also I’m going to be in Des Moines this weekend for my cousin’s wedding. I’m excited to see all my siblings, who are wonderful people and my best friends, but not as excited to see my cousin’s side of the family, who are frankly kinda boring. What can a gaggle of twentysomethings get up to in Des Moines on a Friday night?
Research the company and any industry specific news or trends that have come up recently (especially if anything occurred since the last interview). Wear red and practice fierce-ness. Bring the thank you notes in your car to the interview, write down everyone’s name who interviewed you, write thank you note in your car, walk back in with them 30 minutes after the interview is over (might have to give them to HR or receptionist to pass out).
Umm….. I’ve got nothing for during the interview process.
At that stage, I think it’s appropriate to ask questions like “how do you evaluate/measure performance in this role” or “what kinds of professional development opportunities are there” etc.
Drive to Iowa City?
People love to talk about themselves and their responses can be revealing. Ask how long your interviewer has been with the company. If for a long time, ask what keeps them there. If not for a long time, ask what attracted them to this company. Maybe you already did this in the first interview.
Those are good, I’m going to remember those.
You have to get the honey garlic alfredo pizza at Big Tomato. Twentysomethings in Des Moines can be elusive but you should check out Carl’s in Sherman Hill, the Lift on 4th street, or Hessen Haus.
toasties, questions about self-care!
what’s your best way of breaking out of a rut when it comes to self-care? when i’m down, i tend to go to one of two things.
1. go shopping – my problem with this is more of a consumption thing than a money thing, since i tend to shop cheap. but i don’t need more stuff! it upsets me that i buy stuff to make myself feel better.
2. eat carbs or sweets – i don’t tend to overdo it and i am amazingly (despite my best attempts to become a giant sentient slug) somewhat healthy in body, but indulging in this tends to send me into a self-hate spiral, so i’d like to avoid that.
other things just…don’t have the right distraction/comfort payoff for me. i’ve tried going on long walks, or pampering myself with a warm bath, but…eh. doesn’t help that much. exercise stresses me out and highlights the disconnect i feel with my body. and when i’m feeling bad, i have a hard time concentrating on the things that usually make me happy, i.e. reading or drawing.
do i just have a giant blind spot? am i missing something??
For me: I have to make myself do chores. Like, wash ALL the dishes. Clean something I’ve been ignoring. Change the sheets. Etc. etc. etc., often while listening to podcasts, until I feel like my home is not a cave for sulking in, but a place to fill with better things and productive work. If you pick good tasks, it has the bonus of giving you a little bit of physical work without the baggage of “exercise.”
this is super helpful. my apartment is so dusty right now. not dirty or disorganized, but just…dusty. i should tackle that so it feels like i’m hiding under the bed.
You are magical; dusting is clearly the thing I need to do today, too, and it never would’ve occurred to me. Here’s to hoping we both feel a little better for the doing of it!
Saaame! And especially helps this time of year when everything needs a good scrub anyway.
Same. My philosophy is that if I still feel like crap afterwards, at least I feel better that something is done. Bonus if it makes me feel better. I used to do dishes after I fought with my ex. Hah.
I do that, too! And then after I light a pretty-scented candle and sit in my house and think “yes, my space is nice because I deserve a nice space”
Do you by any chance have advice/resources on learning how to clean? I mean, I can pick up trash and wash dishes and stuff like that, I am great at laundry, but the house we grew up in was a nightmare pit of despair and I have just never learned how to, like, dust things. I realise this sounds ridiculous, but there must be more to it than just wiping at the dust with a paper towel, that just smears the dust around and then I want to go lie down for a while because entropy is winning.
Oh me too. Gonna follow this thread with interest.
For dusting, I like to purchase Swiffer Dusters that are supposed to grab and hold onto the dust. Or you can use the cloths for a regular swiffer sweeper. Depending on the amount of dust, you can reuse them multiple times. I only ever dust when I notice a visible layer because otherwise I just don’t think of it.
Also, try to dust before vacuuming, not after.
Look what you want to do
is get a cat
rub the cat’s tummy on the dusty surface
VOILÀ! the dust is disappeared!
cats are self-cleaning, so you don’t have to worry where the dust goes, and the cat won’t even mind if you turn the whole thing into a weird cat game
Ok…your way sounds way better.
Well, I am going to a cat show this weekend, maybe someone will let us borrow one of the largest fluffier types…
Jolie Kerr of Ask a Clean Person has some really good breakdowns for this kind of stuff. She used to be on the Hairpin and then Jezebel and Deadspin. Sometimes she answers really specific questions from readers like “how do I clean X obscure item” but she did some really good “this is how you clean” type posts for people in exactly this position.
Like this one: http://thehairpin.com/2011/07/ask-a-clean-person-…
Thank you!
There’s a fantastic Tumblr called Unf**k your Habitat that gives a lot of good advice about basic cleaning, psyching yourself up, and cleaning a little bit at a time (20 minutes plus a 10-minute break is her standard recommendation). It’s kinda sweary, as the title suggests, but I’ve found it really encouraging, not to mention fun to read.
Thanks!
Yes to UFYH! It’s very non-judgmental so you don’t feel like a jerk for only doing a little bit if that’s all you’re able to do. She does a weekly column over on Persephone Mag and has an app out, too.
Dusting was one of my chores as a kid, so I was trained on that one young, but for generally cleaning stuff, I love both Jolie and UFYH, as mentioned. I have Jolie’s book, My Boyfriend Barfed In My Handbag, and it explains so many basic things (like, how to properly handwash a bra) so clearly that I have to actually get up and do them.
One of my favorite ways to self-care is to revisit something from childhood. Water balloons, Nerf guns, remote-controlled cars, trampolines. Or even simple board games. It puts me in a new head-space right away.
i never thought about doing this! thanks for the suggestion!
COLORING BOOKS. Get a nice set of colored pencils and a grown-up coloring book. I did this on a whim when I was having a rough time recently and it was delightful.
OK apparently IntenseDebate and I no longer agree on HTML formatting. http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search…
this definitely appeals to me! i like drawing but when i’m feeling bad, i have a hard time being creative, but coloring would keep my hands busy and feel productive.
Yes! I love to do this with mandalas. They require just enough concentration to keep me engaged and there is lots of room to be creative.
http://www.printmandala.com/
I am not a creative person at all, but when I was stressed out this summer I made friendship bracelets – it was somewhat rote (following a pattern for eons!) but also relaxing and pretty to look at. I wouldn’t necessarily suggest investing in all the embroidery threads and whatnot, but the coloring books are a pretty similar idea!
I second this one. At craft stores, You can usually find packages of cheap thread in a variety of colors for the express purpose of friendship bracelet making.
Dover has lovely dirt-cheap colouring books of people in gorgeous Renaissance clothes and stuff which I love for this. 🙂
Yes, this! A visit to your nearest toy store is therapeutic. Mr. Rose and I found unexpected comfort from a large, difficult jigsaw puzzle we saw at the toy store.
Oh yeah. Jigsaw puzzles are so great for me. I don’t tend to get ASMR, but doing puzzles seems close to what people describe. I particularly enjoy puzzles that have like, stripes or bands of colors for whatever reason. I use this website on my iPad while I watch mindless TV and it helps me calm down quite well: http://www.jigsawplanet.com/
Seconding this. First thing I did after moving was reread Pippi Longstocking. It totally helped.
I don’t know enough about your situation but for me sometimes, it’s just about getting through the day. So even if it didn’t feel great and I’m just watching bad tv or reading dumb stuff on the internet, I’ve made it through the day and I can try again tomorrow. Not exactly inspirational – but some days are like that.
there are definitely days like that. just sometimes the watching bad tv pushes me further down the hole rather than just being a maintaining thing, you know? and i love bad tv, i don’t want to start associating it with feeling helpless, haha.
Maybe you can shop for digital things? Like books or comics or knitting patterns or something like that. It’s still consumption, but at least it doesn’t clutter your home. As for me: giving myself time to just watch tv and knit is my self-care time.
i’ve considered taking up knitting or something else to do with my hands. thanks for the suggestion, i should revisit that idea!
Sewing and knitting are my things – I can do them while watching an unholy amount of television and at the end of it I have something tangible which feels very wonderful even when I don’t. Plus knitting is in that perfect place of thinking/not thinking – I can’t check out completely but I don’t have to focus very intently, either. During my darkest, worst, most painful times, I knit the SHIT out of some mittens and other small projects that can be accomplished in a couple of sittings. Seriously, so many mittens.
+1 on this–on days when all I want to do is watch TV, I can at least watch TV and make dishclothes or baby hats or whatever. Useful, repetitive things.
I’ve been really into crafting in general as a self-care thing lately and it’s been so awesome! I made these super pretty teacup candles (in a crockpot!) for Christmas gifts, I’ve been handcrafting elaborate cards for birthdays and other occassions, etc. I grew up in a very artsy/craftsy family, so it’s been nice to get back to those roots. It allows me space to be creative, but there’s no pressure to produce anything perfect (though I’ve been really pleased with my results so far!).
I also support the idea of knitting! I really like having something to do with my hands, plus as was already mentioned it’s nice to do while watching TV because otherwise I sometimes feel like I just become a slug and cannot support the weight of my own head. Plus I really like wearing things I’ve made out! The best is when someone compliments you on something without knowing you made it. HUGE ego boost.
I’ve found that putting on a good record (for me, the Weepies) makes a world of difference in my alone time. Whether it’s doing dishes or having a Meredith Grey dance party, getting my groove back goes a long way in making me feel less like a sad lazy useless person.
thanks for the suggestion. you’re right, having some music on would help me have something to focus on even when i’m otherwise not doing much, haha.
If you have the funds, possibly a massage? I am also someone who self-soothes with shopping and carbs, and massage somehow seems to also hit that sweet spot of indulgence+physical comfort, but without the negative effects.
On the other hand, if shopping is a comfort and you don’t overdo it, maybe give yourself a pass? Or donate an equal number of items afterward, so you’re not increasing how much crap is in your space?
i’ve had a few friends suggest massage, but i’m not great with strangers touching me, to be honest. even professional strangers!
the idea of a pass for shopping is good though. i’ve been sort of doing that without actually thinking about it. i wouldn’t feel as bad about buying new books and new clothes if i worked harder on paring down my bookshelves and my wardrobe.
I hear you on not liking strangers touching you. Massage = definitely not a good idea, then!
But I am emphatically in favor of being kind to yourself. I used to feel guilty about the fact that I found it comforting to go shopping. What kind of terrible socialist feminist am I if I like SHOPPING?! Quelle horreur! But you know what, life is hard, and if we can find little indulgences that don’t hurt anyone and make life feel a little brighter, I think we should enjoy them without shame or apology.
haha, the “What kind of terrible socialist feminist am I if I like SHOPPING?! Quelle horreur!” is exactly the voice in my head. thanks for this 🙂
It took me a while to work myself up to enjoying massages, even as I knew I was getting a physical benefit. It helped that I started with a therapist who was really chill, and also had a deal with my insurance, so it wasn’t that expensive. The first few times I went we spent half the time on just relaxing. Now I love it, and my body definitely feels better. So, I dunno — if you have muscle issues, it can be worth it in the long run. If you’re just looking for a “treat” and it sounds terrible to you, never mind!
I also like to combine some of your other items. Like, going for a long walk to get a treat to eat. I find the right podcasts to be the key to an effective walk, for what that’s worth.
I tend to be a bit weird about people touching me (in non-sexual ways — I don’t have the same weird issues when it comes to sexual touching even with basically strangers), and it probably boils down mostly to me being really fussy about how I like to be massaged. But anyway, maybe look into sensory deprivation floating tanks? They allow your body to relax in many of the same ways a good massage does, but you’re alone in the dark with nobody touching you/talking at you/in your space. Plus, all the magnesium you absorb from the salts is good for you.
When you shop for self-care do you hunt or gather? We are very much gatherers when it is distraction/comfort and since we also do not need or want more stuff, it helped to start going to the library instead where we could gather many many books and bring them home and then /take them back again/ if we didn’t actually want to read them. And slowly over time I’ve realised that some of what seems to be soothing is the moving things around, so I can just organise my books on a shelf, or sort the crayons in a box by colour, and it seems to have the same impact. A geeky sciency friend of mine said that he read something about sorting stuff releasing good brain chemicals, which is (supposedly!) one reason that little kids will sometimes do ‘setting out’ games — like my son will organise all of his cars by colour and then by size and get really really into it.
Thinking about this more I think for us there are two kinds of self-care, there is the soothing kind and there is the filling-the-well kind. What I am talking about up above is soothing, because if I am too jangly and prickly and upset, I just can’t *do* the filling-the-well, there is nowhere to fill up, it is already full of the jangles. Hot baths are wonderful when there is space to enjoy them, but I have to make the space first, and the sorting/organising stuff really helps that.
i think i’m somewhere in between, really. i don’t shop indiscriminately, and i’m usually happy with my purchases (like, i usually don’t have “why did i buy this?” remorse) but i still feel bad about the pattern of feel bad -> distract yourself with a new purchase -> feel okay for a while -> repeat.
i think i would feel better for sure if i did more sorting. it certainly sounds soothing and i know that i’ve always felt better after i’ve reorganized my apartment!
I love the concept of categorizing self care as the “soothing” kind and the “filling-the-well” kind!
Last year I realized I had been neglecting the “filling-the-well” kind of self care, and started taking a bunch of free Coursera classes. It was transformative.
It reminds me of that Humans of New York post about caring for the short-term self and the long-term self.
I like that short-term and long-term self thing a lot, I am going to keep that.
This is the best explanation I’ve heard for why sometimes a hot bath is just not what I need.
In university I took to turning off my phone for periods of time, even if I wasn’t terribly in demand. Sometimes I find the existence of the phone in the first place stresses me out, and I wind up in this gross cycle of opening apps and checking social media every 0.278 seconds that causes some self-loathing. Even if you’re not like that, sometimes just the act of taking yourself offline can really help you devote your energy to healing yourself.
Otherwise, I look for cheap tickets to plays/dance/opera/museums whatever, slick on a little lipstick, and take myself on a date. Maybe buy an overpriced latte on the way. Museums especially are an amazing solo activity, especially if you have free options in your neighbourhood.
Ooooh I know that social media checking cycle. I HATE it but sometimes I just can’t get out.
I was going to suggest that if money for intermittent small purchases isn’t an issue, buying something that’s intangible or an experience instead of more stuff might solve the consumption problem. I particularly like seeing movies – even if they’re bad movies, even if I don’t really pay attention all that closely while I’m in the theater – because the experience of waiting in line, buying the ticket, buying popcorn or sneaking in a box of raisins, finding my seat in the dark, arranging all my possessions so I’m comfortable for 2+ hours, and silencing my phone is an enjoyable process in and of itself. If the movie is interesting on top of that, it’s just a bonus.
This is just an example (you might hate the movie theater process, for instance) but the same kind of thing can apply. Sometimes just the process of doing something can be nicer than the thing itself:
-Packing up the car and driving to the beach, even though it’s cloudy out today and you’re not going in the water.
-Walking down to the corner coffee shop, even though you don’t feel like caffeine and you’re just going to drink a cup of mint tea which you could just as easily make at home.
-Driving to the mall and walking around and trying on clothes, even though you don’t buy anything – that one is similar to what you already do, so it may be that the process of shopping, rather than the purchases themselves, can take a big edge off. Maybe?
Anyway I hope this is helpful to you, and if not, provided your shopping isn’t hurting you in any way, I agree with the other commenters who say that you don’t have to feel bad about it. There’s nothing inherently or morally wrong with shopping for enjoyment; it only matters that it’s a good thing for you.
these are all great suggestions. i really like going to the movies by myself. if i had a car, i would go on lots of long drives. when i have the spare time, going on little trips (even with public transit) is helpful. i used to take the bus out to the beach all the time, and i think i should do that again sometime soon!
i think i struggle more with the little stuff, like when i come home from work in the evenings and it’s too early to go to bed but i decided to stay home because i don’t have the energy to go out on a worknight.
You totally don’t have to beat yourself up abot not going out on a weeknight. I hope you can find some way of affirming that not going out if you don’t have the energy IS taking care of yourself.
I also shop and eat sweets but i have to say I am at one with it. If eating sweets and carbs doesn’t have bad physical effects, why not embrace it? And if you’re not putting yourself into debt, what’s wrong with shopping?
My main ‘self care’ thing is just being nice to myself – if that is how I need to cope with Life, then that’s what I do.
you’re right. i shouldn’t beat myself up over what makes me feel good. i guess i should focus on branching out and finding more things that work, instead of totally eliminating the things that i know already work.
I had flu and a chest infection for 5 weeks since the middle of January – my comfort shopping total is up to two new rugs for the horse (she did actualy need one of them), two amazingly fluffy soft tops for me (I bought the first one and liked it so much I neeeeeeded a red one), the box set of Ashes to Ashes, a paddling pool for the cats, Only Lovers left Alive on DVD, and more kindle books than I can even remember.
And custard cream fudge is cooling in the fridge as I type.
5 weeks! that sounds brutal. i hope you’re feeling much better now. at the very least, your purchases sound great.
thinking on it…in the past few months i really haven’t bought that much, at least not on stuff. i’ve bought 3 new tops (none of them fluffy, sadly), and 2 new paperback collections of short stories. oh, and 2 new nailpolishes and a lipstick.
i have, however, spent big bucks on tickets for 2 concerts (belle & sebastian and the replacements) and plane tickets to new orleans. i have a lot to look forward to in april!
Oh, I forgot Devin Townsend tickets, pledging on the new Ugly Kid Joe album and the L7 documentary kickstarter, and four glittery nail polishes. Have fun at the concerts!
My things/ideas:
Knitting – just started and it depends on what sort of mood I’m in, but it can be great – distracting and soothing and at the end, there’s a pretty tangible thing that you made yourself, which feels GREAT.
Non-exercise exercise, like gentle stretching.
Painting my nails! I love buying cheap nail polish (so I can relate to your thing #1 haha) and it just makes me happy to see a bright, funky color on my fingers.
Cooking or baking.
Painting in general – I just love how paint feels and smushing it around with a brush. I have no artistic skill whatsoever, but it just feels so good. Maybe buy a cheap canvas from AC Moore or Michaels and some colors you like – you can just keep painting on top of it.
I hope you find something you like soon <3
i do like painting my nails, and do that often as self-care! thanks for the suggestions!
I hear you on the shopping thing for sure. One highly-specific kind of self-care for me–and this really may well be just me–is singing at the top of my lungs. If roommates or other situational interruptions make that impossible, solo Asian-style karaoke, where you pay an hourly rate to rent a room for yourself, is quite nice. Especially if you’ve got some pent-up emotions that might be released through song. I, ah. May have burst into tears singing “Pocketful of Sunshine” last time I used this as self-care. And then decided that that was a fluke and tried to sing it again at the end of the karaoke session, only for it to happen again and more so the second time. It was fantastic actually. xD
*or for you + friends, but I’m talking solo karaoke here
oof i am an awful singer, to the point where my range doesn’t really let me belt things out the way i wish i could. but i DO like dancing wildly, which is my way of singing, sort of.
Do you have feelings on documentaries? I mean, you’re still probably sitting around watching tv, which you might be feeling bad about, but you’re also learning. I feel more engaged when I watch documentaries rather than movies/tv.
Other mindless things that soothe my mind are folding clothes and ironing. I can go weeks without folding my clothes and putting them away (I just have one big pile of clean clothes on my futon that I pick through) but if I’m having a rough day, the folding and putting away gives me something to kind of focus on and then I feel a huge sense of accomplishment.
So, technically this is exercise, but for me combat sports/ martial arts (specifically judo) does the trick. It’s a combination of the killer endorphins (there’s a certain amount of the survival endorphins that mix in with the exercise endorphins that seems to do the trick), the ability to take out extreme frustration on people who can, well, take it, and the hanging out with people who genuinely care about me and my well-being (even though they are also trying to throw me). Plus trying not to get thrown/ choked/ whatever while trying to do the same to another person is about a million times more distracting/ engaging for me than going for a run. This is all highly YMMV, of course, but it’s my go-to for getting myself out of my head and back to inhabiting my body.
Ughhhhh I am in the last stages of putting on our last event of our programming year and it’s just being very difficult for me, even with the new meds (which seem to be starting to have an effect). This is the last event I’ll probably be doing before I give notice and I just want it to be OVER already.
In other news, we are going to Niagara Falls afterwards for an early birthday treat for spouse. Why go in the dead of winter, I hear you ask? Four words, my friends: year-round haunted houses.
This is the last event I’ll probably be doing before I give notice and I just want it to be OVER already.
Haunted Houses Yay!
Friends, this week was a successful one, but I’m feeling eaten alive by all of the work. What do you do to give yourself a break? How do you give yourself space when you’re feeling burned out?
Very excited for the time change, even if we lose an hour of weekend; having a little daylight after work makes a big difference.
How do you give yourself space when you’re feeling burned out?
I lock myself in my craft/sewing/yoga/dance studio, pour a glass and tell the Burgomaster not to bother me until I come out of the room and announce that I’m ready for human contact. If you don’t have A Room of Your Own, maybe just don’t go home? Put in some earbuds and go window-shopping, see a movie by yourself, if you can afford it, maybe a pedicure? Just something where you can just interact with the world on your own terms for a while. Good luck.
I mentioned somewhere upthread that a huge one for me is going to the movies. Even if the movie isn’t great (or even good), just having a couple hours to unplug and do absolutely nothing else, no pause button, social pressure to keep my phone off so I can’t text or email anyone, etc. is relaxing for me. Maybe you can try something like that: put yourself in a situation with a definite start and end time where you can’t do work, and it’s inconvenient or difficult to just leave for a sec and then come back. Movies are great because there’s the added bonus of a giant screen with a story on it to distract you from even *thinking* about work.
Haha, I hit a hard burnout and made a vow to DO NOTHING WITH OTHER PEOPLE THIS WEEKEND. Not because I don’t love all my lovely friends, but I felt so worn that I just thought, giving up the challenges of coordinating with other people and answering to them for 72 hours would feel amazing. I’m not doing anything that different from a usual weekend, except by giving up night plans and other plans I think I’m getting an extra day in my art studio out of it.
You can do this too even if you don’t have an art studio- find a weekend long project and do it by yourself! You could make over a room, paint some kind of furniture, cook something complicated, sew something, etc, or just go out somewhere. Anything that kind of turns off the working hard brain into the mindless stuff doing brain will do it.
Friends, I am considering an elimination diet. I am (at least) lactose intolerant but still having problems even with lactaid and lactose-free everything. Please tell me your experiences with restricted diets and lend me your courage. Food is pretty much my favorite thing in the world.
i went through this a few years ago. my body was being garbage and i couldn’t figure out what was making me sick all the time.
first off, i think i had some kind of intuition about what was making me ill? like, at the least i knew it wasn’t a problem with gluten. so i basically went on a stomach flu diet. toast, rice, chicken broth, oatmeal. then i added stuff like apples and bananas and eggs and nuts. then i branched out into leafy greens, beans, yogurt, cheeses, etc.
it was trial and error but i figured out eventually what foods i should avoid. i think it helped to pull way back right away into food that i knew wouldn’t upset me. it was a huge weight off my shoulders to have relatively worry-free meals, even if they were boring.
I am vegan by choice and I also love food, and I’m here to tell you that a life without dairy is still delicious and amazing. Avocado and hummus are my best friends. I hope you find what you are sensitive to and find some great foods to eat!
Seconded! When I restricted dairy from my diet (vegan) I missed cream cheese and sour cream the most, interestingly, since I used them in so many recipes. You can also get decent dairy-ish subtitutes for things like that, and they taste… I’ll admit, a bit different, but not bad, jut different. And they grow on you. And you can do a lot of interesting culinary things with them like make dips or creamy pasta sauces, same as dairy, which has been very important to me as far as cooking foods that look and feel appetizing to me. They have no dairy ingredients at all, if they’re vegan; many of them have soy, but for allergic people there are also dairy substitutes with coconut milk, pea protein, cashews, etc. You can buy from fancy stores, or make your own if you have a food processor. I love Daiya products, personally, but there are tons.
I love food, too. I mean, I LOVE FOOD. But man, the first time I finished a Whole30 was so amazing and eye-opening, and I felt so much better, I started eating that way pretty much full-time. It was crucial in recognizing and dealing with my disordered eating, my body and brain felt worlds better, and it just…it literally changed my life. Most people finish an elimination diet with the mentality of oh god I can’t wait to resume “normal” eating, but I got to the end of my 30 days and I was like I am never returning to “normal” eating ever again.
And I still love to eat! I just love to eat my Whole30 food instead of everything else that made me feel like crap.
I read ” elimination diet” and just thought “Two diets enter! Only one leaves!”
Taking advantage of a snow day to ask: what are the worst things about your job that you put up with because the other parts are okay? (OR, when did you know that they were no longer balanced out?)
I knew it was time to move on when I realized I didn’t like myself very much, that I had compromised way too much and that I wasn’t the person I wanted to be. It hit me in one fell swoop after a particularly bad patch at work. I then was able to have a little clarity and realize all the ways in which my life had gotten away from where I wanted it to be and make plans to move forward.
ETA — after that bad patch, my boss took me aside and asked if everything was ok. As if to clarify that yes, this was time to move on, I told him I was feeling very overwhelmed and burnt out, and his response was “well, that’s how this job is.” So yeah.
I put up with a crew of generally boring and uninspired colleagues and a stifling organizational culture. For the pay, and the resume entry.
(Keepin’ it 100!)
In my current job, I put up with a very long commute and boring, we-have-nothing-in-common co-workers in exchange for a very easy workload and high pay.
Previous job paid garbage but was populated by fun, like-minded people. But then I filed a complaint about my (white male) supervisor systematically harassing a (nonwhite, female) co-worker. The result of the complaint was that I got called to the carpet for tarnishing [supervisor’s] good name, the co-worker got fired and the jackass supervisor got promoted. Obviously, I started job hunting pretty much instantly.
At my current job I put up with a long commute and a coworker I find annoying because I find the work very engaging and it’s exposing me to tremendous opportunities I wouldn’t be able to get elsewhere until years more into my career.
At the last job, I spent a long time putting up with general disillusionment and neglect from upper management in exchange for really excellent coworkers that I still greatly miss. The balance tipped when upper management made it clear that they did not care that my peers considered me smart and capable, they considered me dispensible and were not interested in expanding my role. I left when my boss admitted that my career would be better off if I went elsewhere and I realized that even the NGO job I have now would pay $12,000 more a year than the sole-sucking corporate one I was at.
Thanks for this–both of your paragraphs are somewhat relevant to my current dilemma, so lots to think on here. (And thanks to everyone else who has replied; you’ve all said things I needed to hear.)
I knew it was time to quit my last job when I was in the middle of my work and went ‘I am DONE’. It was never a great job or even a good job, but I coasted along in a sea of apathy over it for much longer than I should have because I didn’t care enough to quit. Then I acquired a couple of new coworkers I couldn’t stand. That was the tipping point into DONE territory. Apparently I can put up with a lot if I like the people around me. I quit a month or so later to go back to school.
My current job’s main merits are ‘well, at least I’m still employed’. I’ve fallen into a rut there and every so often they upset me by trying to pull me into tasks I’ve never been properly trained to do (and nobody will ever take the time to answer my questions), but I haven’t quite summoned up enough energy to get away from it. I really need to transition out of retail, but it looks like I’ll need to move to a better job market to really do that and I’m not prepared to do that just yet.
Did anybody Purim? Post your pics! Here’s mine with my five-year-old Darth Vader and toddler Yoda (don’t tell them I wasn’t really Leia; I was Liz Lemon trying to get out of jury duty).
My Purim party is tomorrow night and I am dressing up as Peggy Carter! Love your family photo!
Job advice please! So, I have had two interviews for a job in LA that I really really want to get. I will hear back about next steps sometime next week (I was the first person they interviewed because I happened to be in town, and they want to have some sort of test thing before they decide too).Unfortunately, I have a performance review next Wednesday, and last time I had one the first question that was asked of me was “So, do you still see yourself staying here for the next several years?”
So, now I’m in a position where I might have to choose between saying “Yes, I see myself here for the forseeable future!” and then resigning the next day, or being honest that I am planning to move to California (I am going to as soon as I can whether this job works out or not). I love the nonprofit I work for and I want to be honest, so I am partially inclined to just tell them about my plans at this meeting whether they ask or not. I don’t think they’re the types that would fire me right away, but I’m worried that if it then takes me forever to get a job in Cali, they’ll find someone to replace me before I do.
To add to the stress, I’m an idiot and I was worried the interviewers thought it was sketchy that I’d quit my job with only two weeks notice when I’m in a leadership position, or that I wasn’t serious about moving, so I blurted out that I was planning to tell them at my performance review even if I hadn’t heard back. So I had told them I would like to give four weeks notice but could do two if absolutely necessary, but now they’re going to think that I’ve already told my employers either way. ARGH WHY DO I SAY THINGS.
So do I tell them? If not, what can I say that’s not just a horrible lie if they ask me if I plan to stay?
If you’re going to move anyway I’d tell them but be vague about timelines. Say that you love the non-profit and enjoy your work for them, but that factors outside of work may mean a move is in your future in the next couple years.
That sounds perfect, thanks!
That’s a terrible question! Never say you’re looking because yes, it puts them in that situation of feeling like they should replace you now – and they should know that means you won’t say that, so don’t ask. You can/ maybe should say you are considering new paths, cos if the question is to help you set goals, you’ll be saving everyone some effort. But be prepared for them to attempt a retention discussion, which isn’t what you want. Awkward either way.
Aw, I guess it is. I think my boss meant it in a ‘are we making you happy enough?’ kind of way but it was definitely awkward and stressful. That was my first ever performance review here so hopefully it was a one-time question.
Don’t tell them in the performance review, geez. It’s unfortunate that this is happening all at once, but I feel like you should not make it sound like you were saving up a big secret to tell them at “the right time.”
You cannot foresee the future, and even if you are 100% committed to moving to California *sometime,* you need to be more concrete with your own plans before you let anyone else in. It would be better to have a succession plan for yourself written and ready before you mention it to anyone at work, so you can tell them you’re leaving but present them with actionable solutions right off the bat.
As for how to lie with grace, just answer a slightly different question. Channel all your “I really love it here!” emotion about the workplace itself into your answer — if you are under or around 30, it’s not going to surprise them if you’re a bit vague about your life-long goals. You can just be like “I find this fulfilling! Dunno where I want to be in ten years, but who does?” * hair toss, giggle *
Good point. I think I will avoid it unless they directly ask, in which case I might be honest that I may move sometime in the future but am happy here overall.
It’s an inappropriate question. My policy for inappropriate questions at work: fiction. Spin them a tale they want to hear. When you resign the next day, if anyone calls you on your fiction, just say your plans changed when you received an offer elsewhere.
Yeah, I guess it is a shitty question. I think she meant it in a ‘are we keeping you happy enough?’ kind of way, but it definitely felt like a lot of pressure even then.
I agree with RoseCamelia’s advice- answer with what your answer would be if you weren’t moving (since you aren’t, officially, at least not yet) and then if you do get the job, or when you get another job, tell them that it all happened really fast (which will be true) and you weren’t intentionally misleading them when they asked before. Because you weren’t. You may be there for awhile, there’s no way to tell.
How have they reacted to the last few people who’ve left? If there’s even a hint of a chance they won’t be fully supportive of you, DON’T TELL them now! You don’t owe them this much. People lie all the time.
If it will make you feel better, don’t absolutely promise to be there in 5 years. Say something like “well I’ve really enjoyed the last X years here and I’m looking forward to staying as long as I feel like I’m still learning and have things to contribute” or whatever. If they push you on timeline / number of years, deflect and change the subject. Don’t outright lie if you don’t want to, but don’t shoot yourself in the foot career-wise. Don’t put all your eggs in this job-basket either; it’s pretty likely you won’t get this job, statistically, so don’t plan everything around what’s not a sure thing yet.
Also two weeks notice isn’t sketchy, except in the very highest “leadership positions.” It’s standard practice. As Alison from Ask A Manager always says, People leave jobs all the time. It happens every day. It’s your company’s job to deal with it, not yours. If your company can’t deal with entries and exits of employees, they have a lot more serious issues going on. And it’s still their fault, not yours. Relax! Good luck!
Nobody has actually left while I’ve been here (about a year and a half). People tend to stay for a long time, and it was something they asked about in my interview, which is part of why I feel so bad about it. When I joined a long-time Project Director was leaving, which is part of why they created my position, and she had given like six months notice and still hangs around as a consultant– though that was a major project she had basically built. I am the Development Director and the only fundraising staff, which means giving two weeks notice will definitely leave them with some major tasks that I would have done that they now have to take care of. But they also had no fundraising staff before I started, so they’ll live.
Anyways, thank you. It is nice to hear that I am being overly anxious about this and that they probably will not hate me forever.
People often ask that question specifically to guilt you into staying longer. Don’t let them do it to you! Even though your company is full of people whom you like, you shouldn’t feel bad for it. It’s a company, not your friend! It’s built to handle this stuff. It’s not like you’re breaking up, this is a normal everyday part of doing business.
TOOOOAST… I didn’t get the job. 🙁
I work in a large ivy league health system, and this internal job search has sucked my enthusiasm from graduating and passing my boards right out of me. It seems like it’s so much about who you know, and just getting an interview feels like nothing short of a miracle. I hit the ground running, and am working on making more connections, but jeez louise. I just want to be a nurse already.
At least the Boo cooked me a delicious meal to try to lift my spirits. Feel better today than yesterday. And I’ve got a trip to SoCal next week so that will be nice. Upward and onward?
I’m sorry. You deserved a better experience. They’re schmucks. You *are* a nurse. Just one not yet in a good job. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.
So sorry to hear this! ((hugs)) But even though those people were blind to your awesomeness, you are still awesome. And soon you’ll be a nurse and get a great job. And maybe you’ll run into one of the Chrises on your SoCal trip. So much to look forward to you.
It may be a short thread, but let’s have a running thread!
I haven’t run in almost two weeks because of a gnarly sinus infection, so I’ve been using that time to strengthen my ankles and feet. I figure it’s better than nothing.
Struggling through thrice-weekly treadmill 5Ks and feeling like I never ran a marathon. My next half is at the end of May and I’m worried.
Really looking forward to having enough daylight after work to go running without being terrified, so that’s nice.
treadmills are, objectively speaking, the worst.
i go half as far and twice as slow on treadmills, and am fine the next day.
surely it can’t all be in my head…
Oh, man. I’ve never really minded running on a treadmill occasionally if it was rainy or if I was traveling and there wasn’t a good non-hotel-gym running option. But this winter has convinced me that they are indeed the worst. Usually I can eke out a good balance of running outside days in the winter, but it has been nonstop sub-20 degree and/or icy for months now. Recently I’ve just bailed and started using the bikes because I hate them somewhat less (for now). But spring is coming! (Right?)
I haven’t been running in a while because it was cold (for the PNW; yes I acknowledge I am a wimp) and then my knee started creaking. Internet says it’s “runner’s knee” and can be helped with physical therapy, so I’m starting that next week. It’s going to be lovely here this weekend, and I really was looking forward to going for a run, but I’m not sure if I should until I get the knee looked at. (Also I can’t find my shoes.)
Maybe I’ll dust off my bike instead.
I’m terribly sad because I just realized I volunteered to do a school thing for my step-kids on the day I wanted to register for my first outdoor 5k of the year. Now I feel like I have to find an alternate some point before May, when I’m going to run my first 10k.
On the other hand, I’m just so excited it is starting to warm up because I VASTLY prefer running outside.
Good luck training for and running your 10K!
I’m running my first 10k race next weekend! Erm, off road, in a forest, AT NIGHT. This is what happens when you go drinking with sporty friends and let them talk you into harebrained ideas. Plus training the last couple of weeks has been a mess thanks to recurring sinus infection. My goals are 1) don’t get lost in the forest and 2) don’t break a leg falling over a tree root.
Ooh, that sounds fun! Good luck and wear a head lamp?
I’ve been doing strength training and stationary bike cardio while my knee decides whether or not it needs a brace. It…might need a brace. Stupid knee.
Ooh, I have a couple runnery-type injury questions that maybe someone can help identify or point me in the right direction to information?
Lately I’ve had to run a lot on the treadmill due to this bullshit thing called “snow” and “ice” and “below freezing temperatures” and the insides of my calves, about halfway up, get really painful and sore after only a few minutes. Has anyone else experienced this? What did you do about it?
I was also stretching my hamstring like, a month ago, and I wasn’t really paying attention and I leaned forward too fast and heard something pop in my hip. It didn’t hurt at the time, but now the top of my hamstring gets painful if I try to stretch it from a seated position but almost never bothers me otherwise. Anyone know if I actually did something horrible to myself?? It’s not bothering me enough to find a doctor (I would have to get a new one since I don’t have a GP where I live) but at the same time, it’s been a month.
tl;dr I CAN’T WAIT FOR REAL SPRING
When I started experiencing pain in my shins/calves, I went to the local running store for a quick consult, and talked to my doctor about it. The running store made some recommendations about form and inserts for my shoes, and my doctor put me on 2 Aleve twice a day, and all of it has helped a ton. I’m definitely no doctor, so I can’t make any recommendation about medicating, but I would strongly recommend finding a running store to consult about form/gait analysis to see if there’s a problem there.
If the calf pain is only happening on a treadmill, it could be that you unconsciously change your gait on the treadmill and it’s doing something wonky to the muscles. I notice the same thing every year when I run inside but it goes away once I’m back on pavement.
I really haven’t run more than two or three times a month since it got cold in November and I’m beginning to hate it. I will have more to contribute in a few weeks, but it’s gonna be in the 60s on Sunday and I’m really really excited to do a few miles then! There’s a 5-mile race at the end of May (for context, the most I’ve ever run is 7 miles but I’ve done several 5-mile races before) and my goal is to be feeling really comfortable and good doing those 5 miles by that time.
Last night I ran outside for the first time in months, and despite running three times a week on the treadmill for the past 5 months, my legs (especially my knees) feel terrible today. I’m a bit concerned about that.
Also, I signed up for my first ever half marathon! I’ll be running in Chicago on 4/4, and I’m totally pumped about it. Can’t wait!
It’s so hard to transition from treadmill to outdoor. I’ve read to integrate one outdoor run a week for several weeks to give your legs a chance to adjust.
Apparently I was not prepared. But 1 per week is sort of what I’m planning on. My weeks generally consist of two 3(ish) mile runs, and a longer (5-10 mile) run on the weekends, and I was planning to switch one of those 3-mile runs to outdoors each week.
With the weather warming up, I was considering trying to do my 8 miles outdoors this weekend, but after the pain of 3 outside, maybe I’ll wait.
You could do half inside and then go outside when you’re warmed up, maybe?
That might work. The 3 I did yesterday was from home to the gym where I met up with my fiancee for strength training. I suppose I could do the first 5 on the treadmill in the gym, then the last 3 home.
That’s awesome. Good luck!
Runners’ thread – good idea! I randomly decided to start running two weeks ago. I am a lazy slob and never exercise, but something in me just said “run” one day and so I did. And I’m loving it! I have no gear, I don’t do any stretches, and I’ve been running in the snow and terrible weather, but it feels SO GOOD. Does anyone have recommendations for total novices in terms of gear that might be useful or stretches that I absolutely need to do? I’m so stoked to discover how much I love something that I’ve been convinced I hated for most of my life!
If you’re in the market for an awesome beginners’ training app, I can’t recommend Zombies, Run! highly enough.
I’ll second the advice to go to a running store and get good shoes. Getting my new, nice running shoes was incredible for me.
Also, definitely get a stretching and warmup/cooldown routine in place. It makes a ton of difference in keeping running a fun, fulfilling activity, rather than a sad, painful punishment. This has most of the stretches I do after my 5 minute warm-up and after my 5 minute cool-down: http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/fitness_artic…
Also also, here’s a good guide to getting your form in order, which will help keep you from injury – http://naturalrunningcenter.com/wp-content/upload…
I’m training for Boston in Boston and it’s NUTS but also really exciting! This will be my first marathon (got a charity bib) and I never thought I’d be running this far.
FALLEN LONDON THREAD, what is everybody doing?
I’ve been having fun breeding weird animals in the Labyrinth of Tigers. I also started my own newspaper and put out two issues, became a Correspondent, and had a marriage proposal rejected.
How do we cross Fallen London thread streams so often D:
Who rejected the marriage proposal, a player or an NPC? Because if it was an NPC, wow, I didn’t know they could do that…
I’m finally having fun again! I’m hunting wild animals, I got a tattoo, and I finally have one stat above 100, and the other ones are coming along too. Looking forward to being a person of some importance someday 🙂
Aw, sorry about the marriage proposal rejection – now what you need is an in-game option to Demand Satisfaction or something.
Between thrashing the Bishop in his study and staging an opera that drove everyone in the Singing Mandrake mad with lust, this has been an, um,…..Forsterian week. Not surprisingly, I’ve been spending a lot of time in the Tomb-Colonies.
Who else is playing – or thinking of playing – an alt character? I wanted to see what would happen if I made all the opposite decisions as my original, hence the recent arrival in Fallen London of Insufficiency Jones, a bruiser of mysterious and indistinct gender with hidden depths (mostly used for stashing bodies and loot). So very liberating to make entirely heartless decisions all the time! Also it’s fun to get caught up on lore I missed the first time around.
I don’t think I would have the patience right now to start the game off from scratch with an alt! I’ve always admired people who have clear ideas of what they want their character to be – mine is a bit of a weathervane because I’ve never taken the time to ponder a specific alignment or course of action before, beyond “This looks cool, I think I’ll do this.”
Well, neither of my characters are 100% committed all the time because I too fall for the “ooh, shiny!” occasionally. Also, I was super curious about the other Ambitions – Theoretta’s doing Heart’s Desire, which is a little more melancholy than I expected so IJ is doing Light Fingers.
I just started an alt character! She’s very different from my main one and it’s kind of fun seeing the beginning stuff again.
I am playing TWO alt characters! I love yours’ name! My alts are Elodia, a heartless (and, for a long time, soulless) rogue out for diamonds and flirtation, and Theodora Thundersmith, a monster hunter who is a cross between Hemingway and Teddy Roosevelt.
Oh my God, Teddy Roosevelt in the Neath….that’s brilliant!
“TAFT!!!”
I made an account this week after seeing these threads every week. It’s a lot of fun even though there’s so much going on it’s kind of overwhelming.
one of us, one of us
I DID IT, I DID IT, I AM OF SOME IMPORTANCE, now, uh, what the hell do I do? I’m a little bit confused and overwhelmed about the various Club! Spouse! Transportation! Etc.! options — what is a permanent or nearly-permanent commitment, and what isn’t? What’s worth doing? What is the benefit of some of this stuff?
Congrats!
Most of it gets you points of Bizarre, Dreaded, or Respectable, which are useful for passing a very small number of challenges, but mainly for assisting you in getting points of Notability. Notability, in turn, is used mostly for getting better-paying professions, and swapping for a handful of exceedingly expensive items.
Some of them have more immediate benefits:
A newspaper allows you to play a fun newspaper storylet
A ship allows you to sail to other locations across the Unterzee
A Gang of Hoodlums allows you to steal shit more efficiently in the Flit
etc.
None of it seems permanent, even a spouse can be divorced (but then you can never marry them again), and you can sell your ship or leave your club for another, but it’s a large investment of time and materials to get there so it’s best to take your time choosing one.
My first pick was the Gang of Hoodlums and I have no regrets, Neath thief lyfe 4eva.
One thing I think you can easily put off until later is the home furnishings, or whatever… the gymnasium and the library. They give you a piddly +1 to a main stat and nothing else, kind of a giant waste of time in my opinion.
Here’s a question – if I have an NPC spouse like the master jewel thief, can I still marry another player?
You would have to divorce your jewel thief before you could marry again. Gay marriage and squid-things are one thing, but polygamy is where Fallen Londoners draw the line, it seems.
Heh. Wishlist for Failbetter Games: 1. Ladies’ Neathy Misandry Club. 2. Polygamy!
I agree re: gymnasium and library. The gymnasium especially required a lot of Strong-Backed Labour and the measly +1 Dangerous is nowhere near worth it! At least you can occasionally find useful things in the library when you get that card, but the gymnasium card will either give you a few CP of Dangerous (and Wounds) or 150 rostygold. Bah!
Can you explain how to get Notability to me? I’ve been a PoSI for weeks and can’t figure it out to save my life.
Unfortunately, to get the first point, you have to wait for a somewhat rare card to show up in your deck, Slowcake’s Amanuensis (I probably spelled that wrong). OR, you can request for a kind stranger to send you the first point on the forums (http://community.failbettergames.com/topic7524-spent-your-last-point-of-notability–never-fear.aspx). Slowcake demands that you own a copy of his book of Exceptionals and that you have a sufficiently ginormous amount of Making Waves, and then you can request your first Notability point on the opportunity card. Once you have the first one, you can summon the Amanusnsiodyfhksdjhfldkh from your Lodgings to get more without having to wait for the card. You also have to keep your Making Waves at least 2x your Notability to avoid losing it to Time the Healer each week.
The Wiki has more info: http://fallenlondon.wikia.com/wiki/A_visit_from_S…
And the formula for translating making waves into notability is 20-BDR +4N. BDR is the combined score of all your bizarre/dreaded/respectable (and make sure you’re equipped in the most BDR way possible when you see the Ama…). So if you had BDR 10, for your first point you’d need 10 making waves (20-10+0). Your second point of notability would cost 14 (20-10+4) making waves. Your third 18 (20-10+8). Your fourth 22 (20-10+12). etc. etc.
I finally blackmailed that obnoxious valet and am now preparing a Scientific Voyage of Discovery Across the Unterzee! Also I joined the Moon League, but might have messed up by Taking to the Sea.
I was working on my salon and started writing a short story — then yesterday I went mad! It was an awful moment as I had had a mood card saved in my deck. Now it is gone, and I will never experience the delights of 24 hours of +30 of whatever stat I like. Sad sad sad.
I almost never fall into the menaces – I’ve only died once and gone mad twice. My nightmares jumped from 6 to 8 with one stupid card.
I was sick yesterday plus my children had a snow, so my husband decided to take a day off and take care of us all. We all played Monument Valley on my Kindle and watched Pink Panther movies. For being sick it was not a bad day. If you have not heard of Monument Valley it is based on M.C. Escher’s drawings. The only problem we have with the game is that it is too short. One thing we really liked was it had a female protagonist, not that there is much plot.
Monument Valley is such a cool game! I blew through the first one and the expansion pack in about 2 days, so I know what you mean. I’d love to see a full-lenght, video-game adventure type version.
Hope you’re all feeling better soon!
Monument Valley! What an incredible game. Just so beautiful and touching. And too short. Maybe I’m a huge sap, but the end always gets me.
Monument Valley also will make you have Feelings about what appears to be to a stack of Duplo blocks.
Hi Toasts! Does anyone have any advice on visiting Niagara Falls? We’ll be arriving at the Buffalo airport and not renting a car. Should we stay on the US side or Canada side? If Canada, how does one get across – is there a pedestrian bridge? I was planning to stay two nights, is that the right amount of time? Any recommendations on where to stay?
I’ll be there in July, and I am not interested in the casinos. That is literally all I know about visiting Niagara.
There is, indeed, a pedestrian bridge — I stayed on the US side when I was there (tight schedule) but you can definitely just walk right across.
If possible, you might want to consider renting a car, though — it’s a bit of a trip from Buffalo to Niagara.
Seconding this — Buffalo is not exactly right next door to the border. Last time I did the trip I think it was at least another half hour of driving. There might be public transportation to the bridge but I think it would still be something of a trek.
I once (very misguidedly) decided that New Year’s Eve on the Canadian side would be a great idea and ever since then I’ve kind of soured on it. As a couple people have mentioned, it’s super seedy and run down. That being said, you can’t ride the Maid of the Mist on the US side, but you CAN go into some very cool caves?
I googled a bit and there seem to be some bus options from the Buffalo airport to Niagara – is that a bad idea?
I never took public transit there, so couldn’t say — but based on my one trip to the area, I was very glad to have a rental car.
I think you’ve convinced me (and Roman below) – thank you for the advice!
If you are American, stay on the Canadian side, because things will be cheap for you!
Definitely try and get to the Canadian side; the view is much better — I don’t know how you’d get across, though. You can cross the bridge by foot or bike if you don’t have a car with you (and get a good view while doing so)
Niagara Falls is more or less all casinos / midway, but the surrounding area in Canada is really, *really* lovely. This is not helpful if you don’t have a car, because to the best of my knowledge there isn’t any transit between say Niagara Falls and St. Catharines even, let alone the smaller towns, but if for some reason your plans shift and you do wind up with a car, go trundle around Niagara-on-the-Lake. It’s a tourist trap, but it is a gorgeous tourist trap, and even just driving around the area is pretty. 🙂
Sadly I know nothing about Buffalo other than that their hockey team is currently terrible.
Canada, definitely. There is a pedestrian bridge that makes you feel great because you get to walk past a huge traffic jam and feel virtuous.
If you want to be surrounded by the true craziness of Niagara, you need to stay somewhere near Clifton Hill. That way, you can visit the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Museum whenever you choose!
The one time I went to Niagara Falls, I saw it (and stopped for lunch) on the Canadian side, which was very nice!
One tip, though–do not forget your credit card in Canada, especially not if you plan to realize you have done so four hours later once you are a) back in the US and b) it is your turn to pay for gas. Do I know this from personal experience? …maybe.
Also bridges: the Rainbow Bridge connects Niagara Falls NY to Niagara Falls ON, and allows pedestrians. The Peace Bridge connects Buffalo to Fort Erie, and I think also allows pedestrians. The Queenston-Lewiston Bridge lands you in Queenston (which is A+ gorgeous) but I don’t think allows pedestrians (but the internet says it allows taxis?).
I’ve done the US side and we are doing the Canada side this weekend! You definitely want to do one of the boat tours (Maid of the Mist on US side/Hornblower on Canadian side). There’s a bunch of museums and stuff in the area as well, like a geologic museum, botanic gardens, all kinds of history stuff. The cave tours are also pretty neat — the Canadian one is supposed to be better.
Oh thank you! I will add the boat tours, geologic museum, and botanic gardens to my list.
Oooh, the Canadian side has the butterfly conservatory which is very pretty! As long as you are not afraid of butterflies landing on you.
As well, Niagara-on-the-lake is very very pretty and has most AMAZING wineries and a really great outlet mall that just opened.
That sounds lovely, thanks!
My family is from Niagara Falls! We always just drive to the Canadian side (and you do need a passport to go now). There is more to do on the Canadian side tourist-wise, but if you want to get up close and personal, the American side offers a more intimate view of the Falls in some places. At one point I remember walking up a natural stairwell carved into part of the falls and it was breathtaking. Activities-wise, Niagara-on-the-Lake in Canada is supposed to be a cute little town (I haven’t been but my cousins who grew up there–and my dad–love it).
On the NY side, DiCamillo bakery was always a highlight of my visits to see family. And if you have time, you really should make the 10 minute drive to Lewiston. It’s a gorgeous historic town, reminded me a bit of Stars Hollow in Gilmore Girls. Go to Hibbard’s custard!!!! Obviously frozen custard isn’t super appetizing this time of year, but it’s fantastic. Honestly I dream about their custard, the black raspberry is my favorite and we always buy a quart to eat at family reunions when I go. It’s been there since the 1920s! Lewiston is a cute little day trip if you have the time.
Edit–Skipped over the part when you said you’ll be there in July. That is prime Hibbard’s-visiting season. Lewiston is beautiful in the summer! Last time I was there, we got fresh cherries at a stand in the main part of town that were some of the best I’ve ever had.
Frozen custard, yes! And several of you have recommended Niagara-on-the-Lake, so I will investigate.
I got an interview at an awesome foreign-language bookstore! And it was actually fun, and we talked for over an hour, and dear god I would love to have this job. BUT it only pays $10/hr. (even straight out of college, I still want to be able to survive, so I will be negotiating for something higher), which is not enough for me to save up so I can move from the suburbs where I’m living off my family to the city where the job is.
Ugh, why is that every job I find either doesn’t pay enough, is in the wrong place, or is perfect but won’t reply back to me??
The first professional job offer I ever had was for a tiny religious university with a very cool mission. I would have been solo librarian running two locations.
For $12 an hour.
In the SF bay area.
It would have been totally rad 🙁
Hopefully you get the job and can keep looking? Maybe get some night work?
Is this job by any chance in Harvard Square? If so, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING THAT IS HOLY, DO NOT TAKE IT. They are hiring because my partner just quit last month without having a new job lined up. That’s how bad it was! They will definitely not pay you more than $10/hr, the management is incompetent, the other workers are generally awful and annoying, everything is disorganized and terribly run, and you will end up doing the jobs of everyone else while making the least money.
If it’s not the Schoenhof’s job, then never mind everything I just said! Carry on!
Oh no, it is that one!! I did get the feel that one of the guys was obnoxious, the interviewer kept alluding to it. Believe me, there is no way I’d take that job for the salary they’re offering. Like you said, it sounds like there’s way more responsibility than a minimum wage job. That’s a real shame, it seemed like a really cool place.
But, on the plus side, happy to meet another Boston Toastie!
Uuuuugggh omg I’m so glad you’re not going to work there. I have SO MANY feels about that place because they treated my partner so badly and just gave no fucks about it. Like, sometimes he would be asked to lie to or ignore customers, or to work hours he didn’t previously agree to. They are just The. Worst. Ever.
But good luck with your job search!! And join the Boston Toast google group if you want to get in on meetups and stuff!
Hello Toasties!
After many school tours and much paperwork I have successfully put my daughter’s name into the lottery for the awesome environmental science elementary magnet school with redwood trees and a music program where they sing about metamorphosis, so now there is nothing left to do except hope the random number generator smiles upon us! If she doesn’t get in she gets waitlisted, and in the meantime she’ll be at the school right by our house in a Spanish immersion program, so either way we will be free of the really annoying school she is at right now. I am SO relieved although I will be even happier when I know about the magnet school.
My week has mostly been awful but yesterday was a spot of peace and calm in the midst as we went to a lovely cafe and had a delicious honey vanilla latte. It was kind of overpriced but it came in a gorgeous mug that the web tells me costs $13 so I guess they have to charge a lot to pay for their dishes. 🙂
This weekend I am going to try to take my daughter to a cat show because she loves cats so why not?
I am eternally grateful to my mother and my friends’ mothers who took us to cat shows when I was a kid.
Why is this? Tell me more!
It was such a novel experience for me, getting to see and coo at all kinds of cats in one place (this was pre-internet, so you had to leave the house to see cats that didn’t live with you), and bond with the people I was with over same. It also made me feel grown up to go to events that were kid-friendly without being kid-oriented.
“kid-friendly without being kid-oriented” <—- THIS
I will keep this in mind! When we saw the sign for the cat show driving her to school I thought it sounded a lot of fun, but many people have acted like this is a very bizarre event to take a kid to. I don’t know why; it is definitely kid-friendly, they even have a little contest where kids can enter plush cats to have them judged, which my daughter is very excited about. 🙂
OMG that is adorable!
I’m happy for you! 🙂
Environmental science magnet school sounds amazing! Fingers crossed for your daughter.
Thank you! We are all really, really hoping it works out, it just looks like such a lovely place and she is already really into science and animals and the outdoors, so it would be a very good fit for her and hopefully help keep that part of her interests from being crushed by Mandatory Girlhood.
I’ll be crossing my fingers that your daughter gets into that school, too! I went to a nature-based summer camp when I was 4 (and 5, and 6) and by the end of the camp I had decided I wanted to be a biologist (well, I said “I want to be what Margaret is” but close enough). 26 years later I’m still on that path and I still love it! A childhood love of nature can definitely stick around a while!
Toasties! I am sick with the virus that will not quit, and I am so over it. I’ve had a painful cough, sore throat, and fever since Monday. Add in the delights of “morning” sickness and acid reflux, and I am just a hot mess. I think this wretched winter finally caused my immune system to just throw up its hands and cry uncle. I’m pretty sure it’s not even trying anymore.
On the bright side, my colleagues have been amazing and picked up the slack so that I could stay home Tues-Thurs, which I would not have otherwise been able to do. Very grateful.
Question: at my first prenatal visit this morning, the nurse told me that doing a shot of apple cider vinegar mixed with lemon juice every morning could help my GERD. This seems…dubious. Is this an actual thing? Does it work? It seems to fly in the face of the advice I’ve seen to avoid citrus and other acidic foods.
Maybe boosting your acid intake like that can help prevent your stomach from overproducing acid? /not a health care professional
Apple cider vinegar seems to be a popular home remedy but I have no idea how effective it is. Trying it once might not hurt, though?
Day 3 of awful crick in neck: no improvement. Wikihow says, among other things, to take a break from strenuous exercise like weightlifting, soooo I’m thinking about maybe skipping the gym today.
I cleaned my closet this week for the first time in…like a year? No more floordrobe! I don’t have to hunt through a big pile every day to find two socks that match! My HabitRPG character leveled up!
Every time I go in there now I just want to hang out.
Ahhhhhhh.
Damn! I would totes hang out in your closet too!
I call for a Toast meetup in logicbutton’s closet! I’ll bring wine. Who’s got cheese?
YOUR CLOSET IS A DREAM. Definitely take a break from weight lifting and I hope your neck feels better soon.
OKAY I SKIPPED THE GYM AND TOOK A NAP INSTEAD WITH MY NECK WELL-SUPPORTED. (Also thank you!)
That closet is fantastic! Definitely party-worthy.
This weekend my plan is to be ruthless with my pantry and clear out all of the three-quarters-eaten boxes of stale crackers and expired packages and whatnot. Adulting!
Oh, that reminds me, I need to do the same thing! Excellent, I was looking for more stuff to add to my HabitRPG to-dos.
This cat is living his best life.
Though the merchant’s wife is arguably not living hers, because there’s no way that cat is going to pass her a slice of the watermelon she’s eyeing up.
This is the best thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
VULCAN SALUTE TOE BEANS
AMAZING
i want to print this out and keep it in my wallet and show it to people like a proud grandma.
Angel genius!
I needed to see this so much. Just those bottom splayed toes alone are enough to put me on the floor. And I’m going to have deviled eggs for lunch. Open Thread life improvement goals solved for today, thanks.
ETA: I had meant to ask someone to Etsy-ize the original post into postcard form since that’s how I want to decorate my temporary dwelling, but OMG: Make this into something I can buy from you and I will buy that thing!
FALLEN LONDON!
The Feast is over! I have a shiny new pet Firebrand! Thank you to everyone who exchanged Feast gifts with me.
My newest endeavor is trying to get myself exiled to the Tomb Colonies so I can find a new beast for the Bishop. It’s going swimmingly, as I am already up to 7 Scandal without really trying. I look forward to drinking the entire contents of that poor tomb-colonist’s surface-wine cellar again.
Just got myself a Gang of Hoodlums. Now I’m trying to steal enough brilliant souls to buy lodgings in the Brass Embassy.
One of my favorite things is taking myself to the movies. It gets me out of the house and feels more luxurious than Netflix on the couch. I try to pick something a little old, so chances are greater that my theater will be on the empty side and I can really zone out and ignore everyone else. If you’re in a place with good museums, a solo museum visit can scratch the same itch. [I’m lucky to be in a place with tons of free museums! That may not be as financially feasible elsewhere.]
ETA: Thanks for nothing, IntenseDebate, this was for @yeah_elle.
ah, i just saw this!
i love going to the movies by myself, for all the reasons you describe. there are definitely some museums around here that i should treat the same way. they’d probably only be $5-10 more than a movie, in any case.
I need to talk about clothing.
My usual uniform: tank top, v-neck tshirt over it, cardigan over that. Jeans. Dansko clogs.
The following things are true at the same time:
1. My male coworkers all wear jeans and tshirts all the time, so my uniform is totally fine.
2. I should branch out.
Also, I’m pretty sure my jeans etc. are not super flattering (but why does it matter?). And everything I own is from Old Navy.
I recently got StitchFix and now weird things (a cardigan with zippers over the shoulders?) are arriving. It’s good for the branching out, and most of the stuff fits OK except things that are too tight or too transparent w/r/t my belly, but I’ve only kept two things so far.
I also just re-started my Gwynnie Bee subscription and there are so many dresses and I don’t even know what to do with them.
I ALSO got a pair of leggings from We Love Colors because of Gwynnie Bee’s tunics and sweater dresses and CleverManka’s assertion that she feels more put together in leggings and a tunic (I think) than jeans and tshirt.
So now I have all these dresses and leggings on the horizon and also weird shit from StitchFix and I don’t know what to do with any of it. I very quickly revert to “but WHY, it doesn’t matter, I am fine in my tshirts” which is true but also unsatisfying.
I don’t know where I’m going with this. Any thoughts or advice would be welcome.
PHOTOS, SHARE THEM
General thoughts:
My office-casual uniform is black tights, black waist-high skirt, various blouses that are silky and profesh but from the thrift store.
I have thigh-chafe SO BAD so in the summer I swap out the tights for some cycling shorts from American Apparel or the dollar store.
You can keep all your cardigans and use them to dress yourself down a bit when the skirt/blouse combo feels too fanc-ay.
The only thing is that you obviously can’t wear sneakers with skirts or dresses, so invest in a nice pair of Oxfords or high-end flats or something – comfy but dressy shoes.
I suggest Chelsea boots too! I luuuuuurrrrrve mine. It adds a nice but subdued edge to my minis and sweaters.
If you have lots of t-shirts and cardigans, they’ll go with straight minis! I love wearing that on more casual days. Pair with tights and I’m as happy as a clam.
Do ankle boots work on thick-legged ladies?
If you’re wearing slim pants, leggings, or tights in the same color as the boot and the boot is more dainty than clunky, they can actually make your legs look longer and more streamlined. It makes no sense, but it’s true.
Interesting question! I think so? I feel I have meaty calves, but I am not the most objective judge of that! I’d suggest trying some on in a store and just seeing how you feel! I recently couldn’t fit into my old tall boots, so I found the ankle boot a great alternative. I also wasn’t into them before and I was surprised how much I took to them.
I can be a fairly monochromatic dresser (lots of blue, but experimenting with patterns and texture) and when I wear my black Chelseas, I like wearing black tights, so there’s more of an unbroken sight line. So maybe that can work for you too!
Oh yeah also I work for a university in Seattle and I can go weeks without seeing a man in a suit or a woman in heels (except in the downtown business district).
I think I need stuff that fits better. I have skirts but I feel super frumpy in them. Are there, like, independent personal shoppers/style consultants? I know I can go to Nordstrom’s for that but then I would feel like I had to drop a lot of money at Nordstrom’s.
AND are there flats that are comfy for walking? I have a public transit commute so I end up walking a fair bit.
Thanks for reading through my flailing non-question and finding things to address 🙂
Oh hi, I wear your exact same uniform except Tieks flats instead of Danskos. I recommend them, they are pricey but amazingly comfy and last for ages.
Holy SHIT you are not kidding. But look at all the fun colors!
Yeah… my feet are huge so I have limited options in shoes which makes the price a little easier to swallow (plus a friend had a coupon I used). They have no arch support, which is fine for me but maybe not for others. I like how soft the leather is so I can wear them without liners, I’ve worn the same pair (red!) almost every day for nearly three years.
Well I went ahead and bought the vegan grey pair. Not that I’m vegan, but they’re cheaper and I like grey. If they are as awesome as you say, I’m coming back for red patent leather next time someone asks me what I want for x holiday.
I wear Naturalizer flats and they are brilliant (I have a standing desk). I’ve tried Hush Puppies and they are horrible. Also Dr Sholls shoes suck. Haven’t tried Clark’s yet but a coworker swears by them.
If your stuff doesn’t fit well, try a tailor? The cost can add up, but you can start with cheap things.
Naturalizes are the bestttttt. I don’t have any of their flats but I can (and have) hiked around NYC for hours in their heels and boots. Also they are really cute. I have a pair of chunky heeled Clarks that aren’t that cute (kind of square and odd but not too bad) that are so amazingly comfy i don’t care what they look like.
I do basically everything in a pair of Oxfords I got from Winners, which includes my half-hour daily walk to/from work.
I would suggest something simple and classy like these: http://www.aldoshoes.com/ca/en/women/shoes/oxford…
I can’t vouch for the long-term walkability of any ballet-style flats, unfortunately — but I did okay by buying multiple pairs at Ardenes for super-cheap and then throwing them out after six weeks of wear. (Filthy capitalist, I know, but seriously, it’s like three pairs for ten bucks.)
You can definitely invest in a style consultant if you have the cash to blow. Or you could just watch some What Not To Wear with people of your body type, and take some notes! There are also a bajillion guides online to dressing for your body size, when it comes to frumpyness and fit.
I fall back on waist-high everything (jeans, dress pants, skirts, even dresses with fitted waists) because it makes a good silhouette, even if I’m having a bloated-belly day.
Oh man, if I lived in Seattle I’d say let’s go shopping, let me try my hand at personal styling. I feel like there should be an online service for this?
I think the time I began to be “stylish” (by, like, my own estimation) was when I started shopping at Goodwill. It’s got such an eclectic mix that I’d try stuff on without having any idea of how it would look or who would wear it, and discover the silhouettes and colors that I liked that way. Plus, the prices are good, so if I put on something and was like “YES,” I wouldn’t have that nagging doubt of “but will I ever wear it?” that would make me put things back on the shelves of traditional retailers, because hey, if I waste $3, that’s like one latte I have to forego. So… try some secondhand stores! They give you freedom to experiment.
P.S. comfy, cute flats = Birkenstocks. I know they have kind of a reputation but they have some seriously high fashion styles these days, and they last a goddamn lifetime, judging by my mom’s.
Aha, I totally want to run an online styling-advice blog now.
Maybe that should be a new Open Thread subthread — bring us your style questions and photos every Friday, and let us fix you up right!
I’m in!!!
That sounds pretty fun, I’d try my hand at it!
Also I don’t have time to get pics today but I could have some ready for next week …
I would love that.
I have annoying feet, and most of my flats are Clarks. Their Artisan line tends to be very sturdy and often has leather liners (which hold up better for lots of walking). I actually don’t wear a ton of flats (unless they fit insoles) because my flat feet/bad knees take better to low heels, but Clarks makes pretty supportive/cushiony ones that don’t look like grandma shoes. Naturalizers are pretty good, too.
I used to buy lots of Clarks Artisan as well but have been buying Cobb Hill lately – the line is made by New Balance so they’re running-shoe comfy with lots of support without looking like grandma shoes.
Yes! My two walkable heels are Clarks boots and Clarks clogs. I haven’t tried their flats yet but so far they are the winningest of shoes for comfort and sturdyness.
Talk to me about your flat feet/bad knees and shoe choices! I have relatively flat feet and after breaking my right foot twice within the span of 15 months, I literally only wear Brooks Addiction walking shoes, which are so ugly. But now I’m so afraid of breaking my foot again, I’ve spooked myself out of wearing other shoes unless I’m going to something fancy that demands heels.
I really like Geox ballerina flats but they are on the pricy side.
These are all FANTASTIC suggestions. avidbiologist and yeah_elle’s ideas sound like a really good jumping off point. Since I also live in Seattle I would be happy to do a bit of a window shop with you if you like, and maybe try some new places to look around and find the kinds of new things you are interested in. I’m a dancer, so my daily wardrobe consists of tank tops and leggings or yoga pants. However, that means that whenever I wear real clothes, I like to pay lots of attention to putting together fun outfits! and most of my friends are artists of one kind or another, so our social circle is all about the creative clothing. Maybe heading out with some specific goals in mind and a fellow toastie with a different sartorial perspective could be just the thing to get you started! If not, that’s totally fine too. 🙂
I couldn’t make it to the last Seattle meetup so I haven’t yet posted in the fb group, but are you the lauren from that group? if so feel free to message me. I’m the only one whose name starts with F.
I messaged you! It might be in your “other” folder (or it might not, I don’t know if FB’s algorithm accounts for the fact that we’re in a group together). I am indeed that Lauren.
Jewelry! Start at Etsy. Same old clothes for comfort, bright or bold or interesting jewelry for variety.
Any recommended shops or keywords?
My method might not appeal to you. I start with “What do I want to add to my collection? I know: I’ve been wanting a bronze bangle.” Then I search for that. Then I sort by most recent posts. Then I favorite a dozen or more. Then I narrow my favorites by eliminating those outside my budget and sellers who have fewer than 50 sales. More narrowing to avoid overseas shipping. Done.
Hmm. So this requires knowing what you want to add, huh? You’re way ahead of me there. 🙂
Or try a search for a theme. When my niece got her first post-college job with Virgin Airlines, I searched Etsy for “airplane” and found a beautiful, elegant, shiny silver pendant shaped like a plane. Delicate enough to wear to work.
If you browse around and add things to your favorites, it will eventually start making recommendations based on those. So you could just go into their jewelry category in the search and play around with filters for a while!
for clothes, my top 2 deciding factors (besides i guess, like, warmth concerns): proportion/fit and texture/details.
screw traditional ideas of “flattering.” think about what kind of shape you want to show, what parts of your body you want to highlight, and what fits you find comfortable. i like wearing tight pants and loose tops. this carries right over into texture and detail. i dislike slippery/clingy fabrics, so i wear a lot more structured tops and chunky knits. i like showing the line of my neck/shoulders, so i like wide/boatneck necklines.
other stuff, like a color palette and details i’m attracted to (leather accents, or zippers, etc) came pretty naturally.
i’ve gone through phases where i worried that wearing dresses or skirts would make me look more polished, but truthfully, most of the time i just felt uncomfortable and ended up with a bunch of dresses i never wore. i think it’s more worth it to instead look for clothes within or on the edges of your comfort zone that are well made, and just slightly more interesting than basics. what would a “special” t-shirt be for you? an interesting pattern? or made from an unexpected fabric?
i think it’s also helpful to ogle folks whose style you admire, but doesn’t seem out of reach. next time you see someone wearing a basic top/cardigan/pants combo, and you think they look fabulous, take a closer look. what’s making them stand out? do they have fabulous accessories? or does their cardigan have a cool knit pattern? do their jeans look like they’re made out of leather? are they wearing bright orange and pulling it off? that kind of stuff!
good luck and happy wardrobing!
YES. Playing with textures in your ensemble does amazing things for the … well, the depth of the outfit if you know what I mean. This is the only reason I don’t look forward to warm weather, honestly. Goodbye, easy layering and waffle-knits. *sniff*
look for clothes within or on the edges of your comfort zone that are well made, and just slightly more interesting than basics
next time you see someone wearing a basic top/cardigan/pants combo, and you think they look fabulous, take a closer look. what’s making them stand out? do they have fabulous accessories? or does their cardigan have a cool knit pattern? do their jeans look like they’re made out of leather? are they wearing bright orange and pulling it off?
So maybe you might consider starting a fashion blog. These are all things I do unconsciously, but I never thought to put them into words. Brilliant!
For super-flattering and highly comfortable jean leggings, I love these at Amazon (also, randomly, at Walgreens sometimes):
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00KQY4LZA/ref=o…
You will probably wonder why they are so cheap, and there is a reason: they literally fall apart. If you wear them too much, buttons fall off, strings unravel, and the exterior deteriorates into clumps of fuzz. But they’re so cheap and comfortable and flattering that I just keep buying more.
I never used to wear dresses until I got my post-graduation Job where I needed to look Fancy (or Fancier I guess) and it took me a while to transition over to feeling like I felt comfortable being a Dress person, but it happened! So, be confident that if you want to make this change, you will eventually feel more comfortable in your clothes.
Here are some thoughts:
1. Come up with rules for things you will wear/won’t wear. ex. I started out with the rule that I did not want to buy any dresses/skirts without pockets. I also learned after a few failed attempts that shirtdress styles do NOT look good on me, so I have nixed those from my consideration (even though I love how they look in general). You can make the rules as arbitrary as you want, and they can change, but I find they help me narrow stuff down- because there’s so many options! I also like empire waist/fit and flare dresses in general- I feel like they’re pretty flattering
2. I have a color palette that I (try) to stick to. This works better for some people than others (I like reds and blues). More generally, though, the brighter my clothes, the less-bright my accessories, and vice versa (usually this is only scarves for winter).
3. I am horrible at wearing jewelry because I fidget and somehow the jewelry always ends up lopsided, BUT I have made attempts. I’m still working on this though so all I can say is- don’t bother buying something expensive when you’re figuring it out, and if you’re still trying to break into jewelry then only get stuff you’re pretty sure you’re going to wear (I got myself a starfish bracelet because I am a seacritter nerd).
4. As for shoes- for dresses, I have a pair of boots that I wear in the winter that covers the awk legging line, and in the summer I have these great cheap flats I got from Burlington Coat factory (no arch support to speak of though). If I could, I would wear fancyish flip flops but alas I am not allowed.
Good luck!! I find doing femme outfitting fun now, even though I now extend absolutely no effort on my non-work clothes.
My jewelry was always lopsided too. Until I discovered the nonpendant necklace. No more sliding ornaments for me. My necklaces are big interesting chains with no pendant, or have the focal element attached to the chain.
I need to see this zippered cardigan like burning because I fucking love zippers, yo. Too tight is a drag, though. Never bother with clothes that are too tight. Ugh. Life’s too short. Dresses are difficult. I’ve actually eliminated dresses from my wardrobe because I can’t mix and match them as easily. I might incorporate shift dresses for summer, but only ones that can be worn with layers (both under and over).
As far as mix and matching, you might be surprised at how pleasing it is to throw stuff together with no regard to color or what you think works. There are some rules that really shouldn’t be broken. For example, nobody will ever convince me that plaids can be paired with polka dots. But I’ve seen some great combos that include mixed plaids, stripes, or (one of my faves) a plaid garment mixed with a herringbone one.
So maybe just relax about putting stuff together. Put things in a pile according to garment (a pile for leggings, a pile for skirts, a pile for tops, a pile for jackets/sweaters) and then close your eyes and sift through. Put together whatever you pulled from the pile and see what you think.
Above all, have fun! Fashion can be a good time that feeds your soul. If it’s oppressing you, though, there’s no moral failing or whatever in returning to jeans and tees.
Thank you! I am trying to find a picture of the cardigan but it looks like Stitch Fix doesn’t keep a record of what they sent me 🙁 at least not one I can access.
Knitting thread!
I finally finished a sweater I’ve been stalling on working on because I lost all motivation and was convinced it wouldn’t fit, but it’s lovely and I’m so happy with it! Have a terrible bathroom selfie for proof:
The sweater is lovely! And you are lovely!
Thanks on both counts!
Ummmm that is AMAZING.
Thank you!
That’s lovely! I especially like the structure of the top part. Where did you get the pattern?
I finally wove in the ends of my hitofude. Still need to block it, but as soon as I have a good picture I’ll post it on here.
It’s the Cap Sleeve Lattice Top from Purl Soho (here on Ravelry), albeit with some modifications. Mainly I knit the body in the round and changed the proportions (since I am quite tall and the original would have basically been a crop top on me as written).
Ah, it’s so cute! Good job!
Aw your pic isn’t showing for me. I’m sure it’s gorgeous!
I just finished my first hat! Here’s a pic:
Now I need to figure out how to stitch up the top and add the inside brim. I could leave it as is and be absolutely delighted by it though.
Now to figure out a hat to knit for my dad! Anyone have ideas or experience knitting for dads?
I started the second sleeve for a wee baby sweater (Kate Davies’ Owlet). It’s a beautiful minty green and I love it — second time I’ve made the pattern now. I am inspired to continue making baby hats for the next two babies at my work! Baby season!
Making the tiny ribbed cuff almost made me weep. It’s SO WEE.
I can’t see it :(. I managed to go to a knitting event last weekend and not buy anything. Being a financially responsible adult is so hard when there’s sparkly merino RIGHT THERE.
No pics for me,but I’m a little more then halfway through the kraken cowl. http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/double-kn…
I’m in love.
I love that sooooo muuuuuch! I really, really need to learn how to double knit.
It’s surprisingly easy. If you can purl, you can double knit
I stitch continental and have yet to find a position that feels comfortable with purling. It’s definitely on my to-do list.
holy crap, that is a beautiful sweater. i would pay good money if i could find something like that in the stores.
Ugh. I asked my mom a few weeks ago if she wanted me to knit her new slippers because I haven’t made her a pair in a while and they’re probably just about shot. She said “No! They’re still holding up really well!” About a week later she talls my sister that she wishes I would finally make her new slippers already. So there’s some knitting in my future…
Which I like! I like knitting! But mooooooommmm!!!! Just tell me!
Six weeks post-breakup. Fully internalized that he sucks and I am great. Suspicious that he might resurface but hoping that he simply ceases to exist. I did, though, really like being in a relationship. How do I know when I’m ready to start dating seriously again? (Probably I’m not crying in the car on my way to the date, yes?)
Not-crying on the way to the date is probably a good sign. This is the sort of situation that non-serious dating was made for, kind of? Like, where the goal is to have a fun evening with a guy and get some attention, not to build a relationship that will be the next ONE. And, then when you find that you don’t want just the fun evenings, maybe that’s when you’re ready to look for the specific next ONE in earnest?
Good luck. Breakups suck.
Ready is sort of impossible to know. I went through a tough breakup once and thought I was ready twice and both times I realized during a date I wasn’t really ready. Then I went through a tough breakup and thought, “well this one was much harder so you won’t be ready for some time. No dating until 6 months have passed. Maybe a one night stand.” and then i fell in love with my one night stand after I’d been single maybe…2 months? For the first month I kept waiting for some kind of “non ready” lightning bolt to hit me, it seemed too easy.
So you might only be able to find it out by checking it out. I think 8 weeks is a good target overall. After 8 weeks, dip a toe in. See if it is too hard or ok.
I feel like I should not actually date people until I get myself right? I got confirmation that my ex lied to me for a while about big things and feelings, which I’m mostly over (I’ve moved into, “he was kind of a jerk” mode instead of, “I’m so worthless I deserve it”), but like — I don’t want my shitty self-esteem to get me into the position again where someone is lying to me and I either a) take them at face value and hate myself for suspecting they might be lying (because who lies to their girlfriend about shit like that? I AM GARBAGE etc) or b) accept it as just something that I deserve, you know?
In other news, CHICAGO FRIENDS, IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOVE FREEZING NEXT WEEK. This winter might have broken me of any and all body shame — after all that dismal miserable cold, literally all I want in the world is to wear the smallest swimsuit and go to the beach and lie about in the sun and the warmth!! (Which won’t happen for a while, but in the mean time I am happy enough to be able to ride my bike without numbing all of my extremities, woooo)
I feel I’m in a similar boat re: dating. I wasn’t lied to, but I was dumped after the dude showed a really unexpected, unpleasant side of himself, and I’m having a hard time knowing if I can trust new dudes. But in both our situations, there’s nothing wrong with us. There’s nothing that needs fixing besides learning to trust our gut. And continuing to date is a really good way to practice doing that.
Dating is an excellent way to learn about yourself. The two years I spent going on first and second dates were revealing. That is, I saw no one more than twice. Not on purpose. It was just that none of us clicked. Many different men. Same me. Very revealing.
I second this. I’ve learned a lot by meeting different people and figuring out what I like or don’t like, and learning over and over again when I end something that’s not working that I was right! It gives me assurance that my internal compass is working for me.
Yep, this. And, even if you don’t learn anything about yourself from the wrong ones, you have a better means of triangulating when you’ve found the right one.
in regards to the dating conundrum…i struggle with this sometimes.
there’s a fine line between “i probably shouldn’t date right now because i’m feeling too vulnerable for it” and “i probably shouldn’t date because i have issues i need to work on.”
the first is you looking out for yourself, and the second is depriving yourself of an experience because you feel undeserving on some level.
yeah, I FEEL YOU. found out my dude had been cheating and lying for the duration of the time that we knew each other (5 years!), and I… still have a lot of thinking to do. I’ve tried dating and it just doesn’t feel right yet.
I have an estate planning question. My parents are changing their wills now that my youngest siblings are over 18 and the biggest problem is a vacation house. They do not want to put it in all childrens’ names to prevent the house from being a marital assets in any potential future divorces (no child has ever been married). A similar situation in another branch of the family has caused sibling strife to the point that they no longer speak to each other. Any suggestions/resources?
this is based on nothing except possibly misunderstood anecdotes , but your parents could set up a trust and leave the house to the trust. The children would be the trustees and/or beneficiaries.
I don’t know where you’re located and the laws may be different where you are, but the attorney who set up wills/POAs/etc for MrChouffe and me does a lot of this type of work, and she has some good talking points on her website.
Hello! I am not technically an attorney (I’m currently inactive), but I am someone who passed the bar and focused on estate planning in law school. I also may not know the laws of your state, so ymmv, etc.
A trust is definitely your parents best option here. They can transfer the home into a trust, and they can remain the trustees until their death if they want. They name you and your siblings as the beneficiaries of house. This way you will all have legal rights to it, but it won’t be owned by you directly. And they can indicate in the trust that the house is not subject to creditors and is not owned by your spouses. The other benefit to this is that the house does not have to go through the probate process, it will simply pass to you and your siblings.
The other option is simply leaving it to you in a will, but making sure that each of you signs a pre-nup when you get married that makes sure that all inheritance assets are yours alone and do not become part of the marital estate.
Either way, I suggest getting a lawyer, because all of these things can be difficult to do alone and correctly.
Also a lawyer and the trust is the way to go. A decent estate lawyer will be able to do this for your folks, including walking them through issues like how to split up maintenance costs and how disputes will be resolved. Plus, your folks get to pick the name for the trust – I suggest “the Why Won’t You Kids Get Along family trust.”
I figure this is a major long shot, but:
Do you remember the collection of perfume oils that the Gap made ~10 years ago? I think they must have been discontinued shortly after because I haven’t seen them in stores in about 10 years as well… I managed to get 3 bottles of the stuff and one of them, Delicate Sagemoss, is the best thing I have ever smelled in my life. I’ve been using it very sparingly (like, even on my wedding day I only allowed myself a tiny dab) but it’s almost gone now and my little heart is breaking.
Every now and then a bottle pops up on eBay but they cost more than I’m willing to pay for a tiny thing of perfume that has probably gone off a long time ago… (Although, if mine hasn’t gone off yet, maybe these are still good too?)
Does anyone have any leads on perfumes that smell like this stuff?
http://www.fragrantica.com/ might be helpful!
Got profoundly irritated driving home and listening to NPR’s On Point last night (as one does). They had a psychiatrist guest on, peddling a new book called (ugh) “Moody Bitches.” (Lady wrote a NYT editorial on it here too.) The thesis? That women in our society are medicating away their “natural” negative emotions, and we instead should be learning to live with and respect our “moodiness.” Now, a couple of things here. Yes, it’s fine to feel sad or anxious for “normal” reasons in response to real-life events, and SSRIs aren’t for everyone or every situation. Yes, pharma does push its medications incredibly aggressively, and doctors can and do fuck up their prescriptions. But you know what? First off, that’s some gender essentialist bullshit. Ladies aren’t naturally saaaad because biology, and my being depressed wasn’t a response to being a square female peg pushed into a round masculine hole in my job. Second? It took me YEARS to finally get myself therapy and medication because I already bought into this narrative – that women who took antidepressants were buying into a scam, and that they should just get on with their lives. This isn’t some brave new thesis – it’s the same old medication-phobia that I was raised on.
But hey, it turns out that checking my door lock fifteen times and spending my entire day at work worrying that I’d accidentally killed the cats is NOT normal female “moodiness.” SSRIs helped me actually deal with the regular shit in my life, rather than running away from it.
Anywho, rant over. Here’s Ashly Lynch being an awesome Sensual Jew Whisperer SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQZZ_jggk7Y
I heard about that dude. Ugh. I mean, sure, there’s a point to be made that the patriarchy a) makes us depressed and b) often labels any female protest on non-conformity a disorder, but fuck putting it on women to just “heal themselves” magically.
Actually, this one’s by a lady! (Oh shit, is there more than one person peddling this publicly right now?!)
I… probably just assumed it was a dude (I read an article, didn’t listen to the NPR thing). It’s somehow even more disappointing that it’s a lady.
I know, right?
OMG that fucking NYT op-ed pissed me off so much. It is so horribly essentialist and makes wild generalizations about SSRIs. The suggestion that having emotional cycles that are tied to biology is somehow unique to women, the outrageous declaration that “S.S.R.I.s keep things ‘all good'”, the even more outrageous declaration that “If the serotonin levels of women are constantly, artificially high, they are at risk of losing their emotional sensitivity with its natural fluctuations, and modeling a more masculine, static hormonal balance” – all of this is deeply insulting and antithetical to my own experience, and dripping with gender stereotypes.
Bottom line: SSRIs didn’t flatten my emotional range. Fucking DEPRESSION did.
“SSRIs didn’t flatten my emotional range. Fucking DEPRESSION did.”
YES YES YES
Oyyy. I kept seeing the statistic from that NYT story on the social medias, about how many more women than men are on medication. And my first reaction was “oh that’s awful, so many men must not be getting the care they need! Yes, let’s talk about how dismantling the patriarchy might even up those numbers!” Aaaaand no it’s all Lean In, And Don’t Be A Medicated Consumerist Drone.
That is a very good and very compassionate point.
I am… not sure what I think. I have a lot of problems with her gender essentialism and sweeping generalisations, and I have at least two very dear friends for whom the proper medications *saved their lives*. I am totally in favour of women getting the help they need to live the lives that they want to live, and I think it is frankly bullshit for her to say in a huge way ‘Well women are being lied to and manipulated’ because — hello, agency? Women choose for themselves, they are not helpless pawns of the pharmaceutical companies.
But all of that being said, I see the other side of it, too. I have known women in hugely difficult life situations — emotionally abusive bosses, toxic families, single parenting high-needs children — who have been pushed towards taking meds because they are ‘too angry’ or ‘cry too much’ or otherwise have a *totally normal response to life*. But they are being told that there is something wrong with them for being angry and scared and sad when people are being shits to them.
It is a little bit of a charged issue for me in that our daughter is emotionally volatile and cries easily — really, really easily. She is only 5, so she might grow out of it, but we are thinking in the long term, since she is already encountering teachers who are telling her that there’s something wrong with her if she can’t smile all the time. Which makes me furious; of course she can’t disrupt the classroom, but if she is sitting at her desk doing her work and crying and she is fine with that, what is this nonsense with the teacher saying ‘No you’re a problem, I need to see a happy face.’? But it is the same thing some women face throughout their lives, and I worry that there *are* women who are not clinically depressed or anxious, but are upset about the real things that are happening in the world around them, and are being pushed towards meds so that the people who have power can ‘see a happy face’ instead.
See, your comment is a MUCH better discussion of the issues involved. I’d love to see a comprehensive review of these kind of questions, rather than the “SSRIs make us overmedicated drones” crap in the editorial, which just feeds into an existing narrative.
Thank you for saying exactly what I wanted to. I do believe that medications are being often inappropriately overprescribed. I get furious when I see Zoloft commercials that say “Have you been feeling sad and depressed for a period of more than six weeks? Talk to your doctor about Zoloft!” because SIX WEEKS WHAT IF MY CAT DIED YOU JERKS. But this author’s understanding of anxiety and depression seems incredibly flawed. Anxiety and depression for me is not feeling sad and worried about actual things in my life, it’s what happens with I suppress my actual feelings and it turns into giant existential despair, terror and the inability to feel anything at all. I’m not personally on SSRI’s but if I were to try it, it would not be a matter of me ‘medicating my feelings’.
Wanted to throw something out if it helps–my boyfriend cries over very small things all the time, like seeing a really happy fox or an episode of Metalocalypse or making a small mistake. He’s not more sensitive than others, his tear ducts are just more active. And he’s a happy, loved adult! Also, showing emotion naturally is much cooler than concealing emotion purposefully, like our society loves to do. Anyhow, I really support your daughter and she’s going to teach that teacher a lesson in “things that are actually fine and normal”.
*Realizes three hours later she wrote “Lynch” instead of “Burch.” Rips up nerd card.*
Amen!
FRIENDS. I have been experimenting with the idea of using some kind of cologne again in life, as part of an idea I have about constructing personal identity. So I bought these sample colognes and perfumes from Black Phoenix Alchemy Laboratory and they are very good, but now my house smells like a hundred different kinds of smells at once and it is overwhelming.
Oh, I love getting new fragrance stuff. I’m convinced that some day I’m going to find something and just wear it every day and be like “yeah what’s up I have a signature scent because I’m classy as hell.” But so far I can’t seem to find anything I like that much, so my signature scent is more like old spice deodorant and whatever shower gel I used.
Which samples from BPAL do you like best? I tried a few back in the day, and remember liking ‘Old Scratch’ except that it turned super weird on me. Right now I’m trying to find a good ‘green’ scent that doesn’t make me sneeze, or some kind of a unisex rose.
I will recommend Clean Provence to everyone forever until I die. It is just the right balance between herbs and flowers and soap, and it smells good on LITERALLY EVERYONE.
Not sure just how green you want to go, but CB I Hate Perfume makes a lovely fragrance called Memory of Kindness that smells just like crushed tomato leaves/vines. It isn’t as much a blend of scents the way BPAL stuff tends to be, but it is definitely evocative in the same way their stuff is.
It can be totally overwhelming! I have a TON of their scents, and I have to test a couple at a time, over the course of a few days. 🙂
Also, VIDEOGAME THREAD. What are you all playing this weekend?
I’ll be on the couch, avoiding work by playing Baldur’s Gate 2 on my laptop! Jaheira’s got a cruuuuush on my elf swashbuckler dude.
(Also, I’m reposting the Hey Ash Watcha Playing video from two posts up, because it’s fucking amazing and shall be appreciated by nerdy Toastandrists: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQZZ_jggk7Y )
I started with Homeworld Remastered. Hit a bug though and stopped for now.
Baldur’s Gate… Such a great game. I should to a replay of that. Have you played Planescape: Torment?
I FUCKING LOVE PLANESCAPE TORMENT. Though I probably shouldn’t have made it the first cRPG I ever played (I missed all this stuff the first time around), because the writing in that game makes everything else seem weak in comparison. Combat is a lot better in BG2, though (my god the combat in P:T is terrible).
AAAHHHH PLANESCAPE TORMENT. The best.
So good, I love that world. I really miss that level of depth in modern RPGs. Even games like Dragon Age don’t really get there.
I need to get back into Baldur’s Gate! I got so so so so very confused about the stat system in the game and thus I royally screwed up my party in my first playthrough. Also I never figured out how spellcasters worked. I have high hopes for a second attempt, though.
Yeah, the stat system is super-confusing. For Armor Class and THAC0, it was confusing to figure out that lower=better. Spellcasters = you can only use one memorized spell once before resting again, which is bullshit. I’m still not sure what the restrictions on wearing magical gear are. I mostly just set it on “Novice” and enjoy the exploring and dialogue and picking up loot…
I started playing Skyrim and I really like it so far! I killed a chicken without realizing that it would make the entire town try to kill me, but they seemed to forget about it after I left for a few days. I also got a horse!
Haha, yeah, that sounds like the classic Skyrim experience alright. Are you on PC? If so, gonna mod? :3
Should be, if you are on a PC you really have to mod! (ok maybe play mostly through once unmodded, but there are so many good Skyrim mods!)
I am on a PC but I don’t know anything about mods!
For Skyrim check out the Nexus mod manager, makes it easy to load / unload and manage mods:
http://www.nexusmods.com/skyrim/
Oh man, it’s so much fun, though a little intimidating at first. Don’t worry too much about it if you’re having fun playing unmodded, but if you’re feeling adventurous, here are some lists:
http://thebests.kotaku.com/the-best-skyrim-mods-1…
http://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2015/02/10-…
http://www.pcgamer.com/the-25-best-skyrim-mods-2/
The last one is huge, but it has some info on the resources to use. I use the Nexus Mod Manager, since it allows you to do a lot more and get larger, more impressive mods, but Steam Workshop is less intimidating – you just search and download people’s creations. NMM is a second program which gets installed and then manages the files (there are some good tutorials online). SkyUI, the Static Mesh Improvement Mod, and Climates of Tamriel are the three I like the most. You can also just look around and add pretty new outfits and weapons, too! (Er, watch out for the massive amounts of anime lingerie boob armor.)
ahhhhh I love Hey Ash.
Pain triarchy
I’m still plugging away at Dragon Age: Inquisition. I can beat up the bears now but I’m still too wimpy for all the rifts that are still open. I am finding shards and trying to decide what to do next.
If you are still in the Hinterlands, get out of the Hinterlands (and come back later).
I am out of the Hinterlands. I have a Skyhold even. It’s fun to jump off the top story and not die.
My new main areas to explore are the Fallow Mire and some kind of desert place whose name I don’t remember.
Oh yeah, I loved the desert missions, that landscape is really cool.
You might want to level up a bit before you go there, but the Hissing Wastes are desert-y ridiculously beautiful and have a bunch of interesting non-main-plot lore-related stuff to discover. Also, if you really enjoy jumping off of tall places without dying, Nexus mods has a mod to eliminate fall damage. It is really gratifying to be able to send my inquisitor leaping off cliffs worry-free.
You guys, I am in a rut. I started playing Mass Effect Multiplayer for the first time and while I was disappointed that 100% galactic readiness it didn’t change much (anything?) about my endgame, I am now obsessed with multiplayer. Despite the unpredictability of other players, the structure offers precisely the sort of soothingly repetitive gaming that I can lose hours to and then feel bad about. Also I really want to earn enough credits to unlock a cooler character than my boring humans.
I wish I were better at real-time gameplay in ME3, because the multiplayer always looked like so much fun!
I don’t know if I would describe it as fun! It took me awhile to get the hang of it, and I still die from time to time, and your squadmates can revive you but they can’t always get to you in time. I feel like about half of all missions I’m on fail, and that’s not counting the times I get kicked offline. It can be very frustrating.
But it definitely delivers in terms of achievement-triggered endorphins or whatever keeps you playing a game with small rewards. I’m on Xbox and neither I or most players I’ve encountered seem to use a headset, so it’s silent teamwork while we run around hacking computers and destroying monsters. You’re more likely to succeed if you watch each other’s back and heal each other, but it’s still touching when it happens. And because success isn’t easy, it’s massively satisfying when it happens.
I am a huge fan of the geth characters, the asari Valkyrie, and the N7 Shadow Strike. Also the volus are hilarious. I fired ME3 back up for some multiplayer a few weeks ago and had forgotten how much I liked it, although I miss the days of the unpatched Firebase White for easy credit farming.
I still get super annoyed at Vanguards, though. Either they are diving in and stealing your kill just as you get the sights lined up or they are dying in the middle of 15 enemies. ::shakes fist:: VANGUARDS!!
You can be a volus?! Amazing! I would love to be a geth–big fan of tech attacks–so now I guess I’m going to have to keep playing until I unlock something like that.
I feel your feel about Vanguards, but I have also been one of those Vanguards (an asari, the only alien I’ve unlocked so far), and in my admittedly weak defense, the Biotic charge is the only good attack I had. My weapons were crappy–I had a shotgun and a SMG but hadn’t unlocked any good versions of either–and Stasis doesn’t do crap.
Yup! The volus are amazing – they don’t use the cover mechanic but are short enough to just… stand behind stuff. And their combat roll is literally a roll. But most of them have great team support powers.
Tiny bowling ball of death.
Heyyy other Mass Effect multiplayers–any of you on Xbox? And if so, want to be friends? I don’t care to attach my username to my real name but you can holla at me on Twitter (@LiterarySara) about connecting.
Skyrim! Every time I boot it up “TIME TO BE A MOTHERFUCKIN HERO” except when I’m on the Night Mother’s business, obvs.
I got my girlfriend started on it and she immediately started stealing horses and killing guards.
Such a tapestry, life is.
When I played Daggerfall as a youngen’ I was too scared to go into dungeons (they were super creepy ok?). Instead I would just rob the blacksmiths in each town, and then start killing town guards to gain experience.
I never kill guards! I love stealing but I haaaaate getting caught, and if I do I just buy them off and hide in shame.
I started a thievy Khajit character for the express purpose of living outside of cities like the caravans, but I like cities too much, so now I have a house and a wife and all. I can’t get on the bad side of the guards.
Hooray Baldur’s Gate (1 and 2)! Are you playing the enhanced editions? I’m finally exploring the new characters’ quests but I have to say I’m not wild about them… also I’m pretty sure Rasaad is macking on my elf mage lady. which, I mean, I GET IT, she’s pretty awesome. but I have about 0% interest in using Mr. Monk past his personal quests.
Hexxat is my one true love.
I’ve been tempted to try Hexxat, but I’m not sure how my party will interact with her! does she cause uhhh, problems with a mostly good, Shadow Thieves-aligned party?
I had her in my mostly good party (Minsc, Aerie, Neera (another new character), Valygar) and sometimes they would get into arguments but nothing bad ever happened. I think I remember that Hexxat would leave the party if the reputation got too high but it was not a problem for me.
Yup, got BG2:EE! I’m trying to avoid the new content so I can experience the “original” game. Maybe on a second, eevil playthrough so I can pick up Hexxat, whom my husband loves. Does the EE give more love interests for female characters? Because Anomen might just be the worst romance option of all time.
nice! and yes to more love interest options (lol Anomen), though Rasaad is the only non-evil aligned character.
the new content does give you some new loot and areas to explore, which is fun, but I’m so conscious that it’s NEW that I almost don’t consider it “real”, you know? like I almost feel like it’s cheating to use my new swag, haha. It did give me a cat, though, which is pretty goddamn awesome.
I just bought Dishonoured last week – enjoying it so far, except I’m trying to be good and not kill anyone, but then I kill EVERYONE! I’m so incompetant!
*Shrugs, surround by rat-gnawed corpses!* It happens! 🙂
You kill one guy and then all his friends show up and you have to kill them too! It’s like you opened a tube of pringles or something – can’t stop at one!
I didn’t get much video game playing done while I was on vacation but I am beyond thrilled that Leigh Alexander and Laura Hudson are (re)launching Offworld as a home for women and minority gamers.
Naturally, SOME segments of the gaming population have a huge problem with this.
“If you want to talk about women and gaming and minorities, then launch your own site, we don’t want it here!”
“Fine, we did. Behold Offword.”
“That’s not fair, you’re discriminating against white men!”
Oh damn, so excited about that! Both of them have such great writing, and I’m always happy to find places that cater to women & minorities AND piss off GG’ers. Yaaay!
I am forever comparing interpersonal relationships to Baulder’s Gate 2. I was SO disappointed with Skyrim (in which you can marry anyone) (but not the hot nice guy). You just have to do one nice thing for someone and then you can “get married” and then they call you “love” and give you money. There’s no marriage payoff in Baulder’s Gate 2 even and it’s sooo much better.
By “nice hot guy”, we’re talking about Brynjolf, right? Because wtf Bethesda.
My Skyrim husbands have included Scouts-Many-Marshes and Stenvar. I am oddly attached to both of them. Garrus Vakarian remains my gold standard for videogame boyfriends, though.
I just finished Never Alone last night. It’s about and largely by Alaskan Inupiat people and their folklore. The gameplay itself is kind of meh (short, relatively uninspired puzzle design, and pretty frustrating gamefeel) but there are a ton of neat little ideas for the flavor and mechanics and I enjoyed the cultural insight videos for the most part. Mostly it just made me wish there were more videogames from indigenous cultures (I think a resource management sim/rts game a la Banished that wasn’t just about European agriculture and logging could be really neat). It really shows how limited and overused a lot of our stylistic tropes are.
This entire videogame thread is making me SO HAPPY you guys.
right now I’m playing Evolve, but the matchmaking system has been very frustrating this week. (the hazards of multiplayer-only games. it’s only really fun when I have a whole group of my friends online. It requires too high a level of teamwork to have much luck with internet randoms.) I’m considering going back to Destiny to get my pvp hit, because it doesn’t really hurt my enjoyment of the game that much if the rest of my team-mates are… ahem… less than useful. (and by that I mean “sets down the controller and walks away before the match starts.”)
And of course, there is always Dragon Age: Inquisition, which I’m not sure if I’m even halfway and I’ve racked up 80 hours. (I’m out of the Hinterlands, I swear!)
On that note, if any of y’all are on PSN and looking for friends, I’m Malady-dee and just mention the toast in your friend request so I know where you’re from.
I have written so many cover letters that I’m now completely bored of myself, my work, my accomplishments, and my goals. So boring. I’m so bored by me. Everything is boring.
EVERYTHING IS AWESOME
When I’ve written too many cover letters, especially if I’ve had to branch out to jobs I”m not really that excited about, I automatically reading them back to myself in a sarcastic voice. “I would looooove the opportunity to discuss this position further *eyeroll*”
“I would looooove the opportunity to discuss this position, which I am hoping won’t make me want to stab myself in the eyeball, further!”
Ah yes, the urge to become honest is also strong. I usually open with “I am writing with great enthusiasm to apply for X” but start to find myself typing “I am writing with resignation and increasing ennui. . .”
So I went for my yearly (well, every-other-yearly) pap, etc, at my doctor, and found out they billed myself AND my insurance company for my IUD….which I got over two years ago. So I got a $400 check in the mail yesterday, which is awesome (need to save this year) but also…two years???? I got the IUD right after the ACA made BC free, but I also wasn’t wildly well informed on what that meant and didn’t want to hassle the front desk with “But Obamacare!!!!” Let this be a lesson to you, Toasties: always investigate your health bills if they seem the slightest bit not-right.
(To be fair to the doctor’s office, basically right after I saw them I moved and got new insurance, AND they had the wrong phone number for me, so I like to think they were trying to track me down but couldn’t. But seriously. Two years.)
I got a mystery check in the mail from my health insurance a few months ago. Apparently an office charged a co-pay when they shouldn’t have? I was pretty happy with my $30 check but if they ever want to give me more I’m cool with that too!
The other side of it is that they can retroactively *charge* you for stuff. A friend has had her insurance company decide that her doctor is out-of-network (he’s not out-of-network) and has billed her a few thousand for all the times she’s ever seen him. Even if they had made a mistake originally and billed her for in-network when the doctor was out-of-network (and in reality he’s definitely in-network: the doctor himself has confirmed this) — I think that’s on them, you can’t retroactively change the price.
I have been trying to (slowly, carefully) lose some of the weight I gained from the stress of grad school and tough work environments in the past three years. And it’s…so…weird! My clavicle has appeared after a long time and now my shoulders are always cold. I woke up this morning and felt my hipbones jutting out. I can see why I put on the weight, it made me feel so cozy and soft! I’ll have to reduce my weight loss goal of course but…I mean it’s so weird!
A long time ago I lost a bunch of weight and all of a sudden sitting on hard chairs was painful because I lost so much padding in my butt. I regained about half of the lost weight and stayed stable there, and I have to say, it’s much more comfortable – and realizing that was one of my first steps towards not hating my body any more 🙂
What is so weird is that I’m like a really soft, cuddly person! I’m like, hipbones what are you doing here??? I thought I’d have to lose like 20 pounds if I ever saw you again!! Now what will protect my hips from counters?
I’ve always been thin and always hated my bony parts! Like I’m embarrassed when someone puts their hand on my shoulder or squeezes me. (Actually I guess I don’t like the squeezing regardless.) I worry that it the boniness reads as unhealthy–thats not the reason–or that my hugs aren’t warm and cozy. (Yes, I realize its an absurd thing to concern myself with.)
Ooh, your hugs are probably cozy! One thing about thin people is that they can squeeze you extra hard without you feeling squished 🙂
And yeah, I don’t like squeezing either. And one thing I’m worried about is how my arms are harder to fall asleep on during long trips, according to my little brother. I need to pack on muscle, I think.
YOU ARE SOFT AND CUDDLY!
I’m having a sad/angry/weepy day today. It’s not for particularly good reasons, it’s just how I feel. Does anyone else have these days? How do you snap out of them? Normally I would let myself wallow tonight but boyfriend will be home when I get there and he really doesn’t deserve having to deal with me when I’m like this!
I tend to choose between three options. The one I choose most often but is least wise is booze. The one I should choose more often is exercise. The one that is often the best choice is watching something that I know will make me cry (Call the Midwife tends to do the trick) to get it over with.
If you are short on time but still need to cry you can try chopping an onion to get things started.
Yup, definitely. Don’t beat yourself up over it! Can you ask him to help take care of you a bit?
Maybe you could give yourself a few hours to wallow and then be done with it? Tell him that you need some time and then you’ll be ready to join him.
Also, though – being there for you through times like these is part of what a boyfriend does!
(I mean, my boyfriend didn’t – but now he’s my ex.)
I do this… My feelings are my own, and they’re a bit intense, so I like to get a handle on them and allow myself to be grumpy/weepy without having to worry about someone else, and then I feel more prepared to be around someone I care about. He gets it, lets me do it, and then comes riding in with other things to try to lift my spirits when I come back to him… it’s a good deal.
We do have those days, but honestly, we don’t usually try to snap out of them, since it’s a sort of energy moving through thing and if we make space for it to move it clears up on its own. I’m sorry you don’t feel like your boyfriend will be there with you in it, though. 🙁
Any reason you can’t say to him what you just typed to us? All of it. Including the part about him not deserving having to deal with you like this.
To clear it up- boyfriend is great and I normally wouldn’t even think about it but he’s going through some majorly sad/angry stuff right now. I’m fine, I just need to get over that hump, you know??
Long walk? Mindfulness meditation?
I’m sorry you’re having one of those days! I certainly get them, and it sounds like a lot of other Toasties do, too. My strategy is wallow for 20 mins, then fake it ’til you make it! I will get up, do some cleaning, watch some good TV, get lost in a dog picture k-hole on tumblr, or find a reason to go outside and walk somewhere. Even if you’re not feeling 100%, you can avoid feeling worse by doing something.
This only works when it’s a low-grade grumpiness, and not full-on Everything Is Woe, but I find that listening to Ugly Kid Joe’s “I Hate Everything About You” at TOP VOLUME and bellowing along is great for the mood. I cannot be cranky and sing at the same time. 🙂
I find the best thing for sad weepy days is reading (or watching, or playing) something that is guaranteed to make me cry. It’s almost like I have a tear buildup that I need to get rid of, and then I feel better afterwards.
I’m having one too – no advice, but much sympathy.
Therapy-going/have gone Toast folk: any advice for a therapy newbie? I went to my first session this week and it was… listless, and kind of boring? I have huge vats of anxiety and compulsions and past hurts and fears within me and I finally convinced myself that they added up to enough to warrant going to therapy, and then I went and it was… disappointing. The counselor interrupted me a couple of times right when I felt I had hit my stride, and her suggestions seemed anemic–I already know that meetup.com exists, I think my loneliness and social anxiety need a stronger balm. There was also this interaction:
Me: [explains how I want to email/stay in touch with friends but find it hard]
Her: Well, maybe try setting aside a specific time for doing that!
Me: Well, yes, I’ve tried that, but it tends to work for like a week and then I’m back to square one.
Her: Well, I just mean, if it’s important to you…
I don’t know. On the one hand, I know it was the first meeting and that my expectations were possibly too high and maybe what I really want is a disreputable English major to pose as a therapist, coax all my thoughts out of me, and then analyze them with/for me. On the other hand, I already have a strong instinct that she is not a person I’ll ever feel comfortable fully opening up to, and I’m not sure the line between giving it a shot and bowing out at an appropriate time.
If it doesn’t feel right, you should move on. That’s a totally normal thing – people often ‘date’ therapists until they find one that they click with.
I think I do need to see it more like speed-dating/blind-dating. Thanks 🙂
Finding that line is hard, especially when you have to psych yourself up to go at all. IMO it sounds like she is not a good fit. It’s OK to move on. Do you have a list of other folks to call? (I’m good at finding therapists; let me know if you want help.)
Ooh, more resources would be great–I really just filtered the psychology today list to see who took my insurance. Unfortunately, I’m queer and agnostic in the almost-deep south, and while I don’t want to talk about those things in particular, they’re sure to come up in passing and I don’t want to have to explain myself either. Plus, I’m single with no kids, and a surprising number of the people I’ve found seem to be primarily couple/family counselors. Any other pointers would be amazing 😀
Maybe you already know this! But family counsellor does not necessarily mean they only work with families, it might mean they have an MFT (masters in family therapy) which is actually just a very generic therapy degree. And even if it does mean they do family work in particular, since you probably come from a family, it might be a helpful thing since they would have insight into how family dynamics from childhood might be interacting with present day stuff.
i did not know that! okay, i will reopen my search to those therapists–although, as i realized when i was tallying up things to talk about, my family is actually not in my top five problem slots anymore, which is surprising. but the carryover dynamics are probably worth exploring anyway
So, I used goodtherapy.org, which just happened to be the tool I stumbled upon. In the advanced search section you can select “concerns” which includes LGTB — though unfortunately it’s not multi-select. There’s also a dropdown for “type of therapy” and you can select “individual.”
When I was searching for a couples therapist, I found some likely folks *who did email* (to be honest I preferentially emailed folks who looked queer-ish in their photos even though I am in a monogamous straight-looking marriage) and I emailed them with the following: childfree, not interested in talking about it; atheist, not interested in talking about it; sarcastic and swearing, not going to change. The couples therapist we now have said that she was delighted by my email and was like “oh boy I want to work with you!” (I copied this over from a therapy thread a few weeks ago.)
Anyway, emailing multiple people was way easier for me than calling multiple people. Maybe the same would be true for you?
emailing is definitely easier–i actually emailed this one to begin with, but i didn’t state what i want strongly enough out of some absurd shyness? which is nuts. i like the sound of your email a lot! and thanks for the website.
jk goodtherapy has no therapists within 25 mi of me oh well
As a disreputable English major you’re offering a pretty tempting business model there that we’d never considered. 🙂
But no, seriously, if the instinct says no, just quit. It isn’t worth trying to make it work if there isn’t that immediate click. There are plenty of therapists in the sea.
Do you have a list of ‘interview’ questions for potential therapists?
I think it could work! And if the services were fully explained, it probably wouldn’t even be that disreputable?
And no, I don’t–do you have any resources you’d recommend?
I think you’re right, as long as we weren’t claiming to actually BE a therapist it seems above-board. And honestly I think we would be pretty good at it (as well as really enjoying it!), since we have done this for a number of friends over the years. But where do English majors analysing thoughts advertise?
As for the interview… on a quick Google this looks like a reasonable list: http://www.therapyreferral.org/interviewing_a_the…
I am sure you could find more. Basically, the therapist is there to work for you, so they should be willing to answer questions about their experience and education and their treatment modalities and how comfortable they are with various things. We just started therapy again after like 8 years away, and the first therapist we tried was AWFUL and one of the big warning signs was that while she wanted us to spend the first 2-4 sessions doing an ‘intake interview’ she seemed really really shocked that we would have a bunch of questions for her.
thanks, that looks helpful!
I think other people made good suggestions, but I really think you sound like you’re listening to yourself and already have a good starting grasp of what you need! Keep up on it.
thank you for the encouragement!
I agree with commenters above that if you don’t feel it in your gut, find someone new. Life is too short and your mental and emotional health too important to waste on shitty therapists!
But I do want to caution you based on my own experience with therapy: there are going to be times when it feels like you sat there for an hour and didn’t talk about anything, or didn’t really accomplish something, or the therapist’s suggestions just didn’t quite jive with you. But then it kind of all comes together in a crescendo and you have a big “AH HA!” moment and your life slowly but surely changes. YMMV, but it sounds like we’re touching on tangentially related things at therapy. But those listless and boring moments shouldn’t be happening at the first session! It took me at least 6 months to get there – there were 20something years to cover!
I think it was the fact that it was at the first session that threw me–like there were literally moments where we were just staring at each other. You do make a good point, though, and I think I know (intellectually at least) that it can be slow going!
Yeah, she does not sound like a good therapist, on any level. There ARE therapists who coax all your thoughts out of you and analyze them with you (not quite for). That’s what mine does. There are also therapists who are more inclined to just listen, which works for some people but isn’t quite what I want personally. But the role of a therapist is not to give obvious advice that any of your friends could give, and that’s it sounds like this one did.
Definitely try out some more therapists. This one doesn’t sound like a good fit. It doesn’t sound like your expectations were too high, but even if they were, no therapist should interrupt you! Ever!! Huge red flag.
I try to view the first couples sessions as job interviews (I mean, they kind of are.) I’ve gone through some lackluster and some TERRIBLE therapists on my way to finding a great one. It sounds like you might be a good fit for someone who practices Person-Centered Therapy or Rogerian therapy – sometimes knowing what style of therapy they practice can help you narrow it down before you even make an appointment.
I will respectfully disagree; if the OP wants someone to analyse her thoughts with her, a Rogerian therapist sounds like kind of a bad fit? Unless I have a very wrong understanding of the Rogerian model, which I thought was ‘Listen and give unconditional support.’
Oh man, I am not an expert – I’m just going by my therapist who does Rogerian therapy but maybe balances it with something else? I don’t know – she offers helpful feedback and dialogue and she is my favorite, so I was like “Oh THIS is the kind of therapy I like.” You sound much more knowledgeable than I am, so I shall defer to you.
I am definitely not an expert either! We saw our Rogerian therapist a long time ago and it was wonderful for us right then, but it went something like this:
Us: We are feeling … weird? upset? some word? about X, Y, Z at work!
Him: Yes, that sounds very stressful! You are stressed because of X, Y, Z!
Us: Yes, we are! You are so right!
Him: Well, it is just fine to be stressed by that! That is a stressful thing! What can you do to take care of yourself?
Us: Ummm, we like going to the library and checking out 87 books.
Him: Going to the library and checking out 87 books sounds great! You take good care of yourself!
I am being a little tongue-in-cheek here because we have moved past that, but it was phenomenally good at the beginning when we often literally did not know what emotions were called and having him mirror our reactions with appropriate terminology was eye-opening. Eventually though we got more into the ‘why does this bother us and how can we change it’ and needed to move on, which of course he was unconditionally supportive and positive about. 🙂
oof yeah i don’t necessarily need unconditional support ahahaha
I tried to pay a little attention the styles, but I need to do some more research on what each of them means–good point, thanks!
Toasties, I feel so accomplished. I did something i never thought would actually happen yesterday and cleaned the FUCK out of my closet. I’ve been lugging an unnecessary amount of merchandise for tv shows I haven’t watched in literally years, and I finally got them all boxed up and shipped off to ebay’s valet program. It’s not really that I want to make any money off of them, but I think they’d be more likely to be appreciated by someone on ebay vs. sending them to goodwill. The point is, I emptied three bins and a box worth of clothing and plastic junk I haven’t touched in ages, and I feel GREAT.
You are INSPIRING ME. Half my storage is filled with stuff I know I need to get through. I will do it.
Fellow toasties, there is a National Abortion Access Bowl-a-thon! Anyone else doing this? http://bowlathon.nnaf.org/
I usually take part each year, although I end up making a donation myself instead of asking for any.
Also you guys! My beloved got a new job! After tempestuously resigning his old one.
Annnnnnd shhhhhhhhh I’m kind of wondering if now he’s going to propose? He told me his plans to do so like 3 months ago and two months ago my sister got my ring input and ever since I’ve been… Waiting. Which is fine! I love our life. I’m in no hurry. But MAN I can’t stop thinking about the sequins and beer we could have at a wedding.
You should propose to him!
As the proposer of my current engagement, cannot recommend highly enough.
It’s a great suggestion! And I’ve… considered it.
But it’s not for me/us.
Argh practiced feminism can be tough.
Basically, I’m the dominant one in our relationship in all aspects (except the *ahem* the bedroom). I make or drive lots of our decisions, it’s usually my way in most aspects, etc. I make just about twice as much money as he does (although the gap closed just a little yesterday!). And I want this decision to be his. I want him, in this, to step up and take charge and put himself at risk a little bit. I know I want to get married. I want to know that HE wants to get married. And I want it to matter, to be a bit “expensive” in terms of emotional vulnerability and effort. And he wants that for himself too, he has told me that. He wants, for example, to design the ring, for me. And I want that for him!
It’s 100% inseparable from traditional gender roles, I get that. Traditionally, for men, a proposal can be a place of empowerment. And as my adored, beloved companion and teammate, he never competes with me for power. So I want to give him this place of power. I want to provide space for him to be a decision maker. That the space is one traditionally occupied by men is part of the equation.
Blargle, it works for us, I guess.
Sorry – didn’t mean for it to come out judgement-y. Definitely whatever works for you and your partner!
Not at all!
It’s a funny one, because I’m pretty Rah Rah feministy most of the time, but here I am just…. waiting. What’s that about? It’s useful to have opportunities to reflect on this stuff!
I’m so happy for you that your relationship is deep enough for you to consider things on this level. (When I was engaged it was not, and in retrospect that is a big mismatch in what we were both looking for that I wish i’d spotted earlier)
I would happily discuss beer-related weddings at some later date! We had a lot of trouble getting the caterer on board but we wound up have a lovely selection of local craft beer at our wedding!
I’ve spent the last 2 hours scraping ancient contact paper out of the pantry. Got 2 shelves done,and one to go. Landlady has said that she wants to paint the wood under the contact paper,so I can’t put stuff back in as I go. Thus my kitchen looks like a Trader Joe’s exploded.
And being a glutton for punishment,I have reactivated my okstupid profile, and sent a message to several folks. Which leads to a problem, I’m going to post in a different comment all together.
Ugh Toasties, we had to layoff four employees yesterday, and with my position in HR I was very involved. Wrenching, ugh.
Is this the ONLINE DATING thread?
Does anyone have advice for psyching yourself up to message people? I feel like no men respond to me, and I know I shouldn’t be discouraged because I haven’t sent nearly as many as most men. I’m also worried I’m That Guy who complains all the supermodels he messages won’t give him the time of day. I also don’t want to overthink a Strategy and read guides or anything like that.
I also started Tinder, which, hilarious. I’ve mostly been using it to make my friends laugh. I’ve had over a dozen matches in a few days, which is probably very modest, but no messages. (A couple of guys also unmatched me, which, well.)
My advice is to spend way less time on each message! I’ve found that the less time I invest up front, the less bothered I am if I don’t get a response. I used to spend soooo much time on each profile, thinking up the perfect witty stuff to say based on all his interests — and now I just sort of scan thru the profile, see if there are enough things we have in common to talk about, check out some of my dealbreaker questions, and then send a short message relating to MAXIMUM three things on his profile. Im trying to think of it as more of a numbers game in the aggregate, instead of on an individual basis — the more messages I send out, the better chance I have of meeting someone interesting (vs. judging each individual person)
Tinder is the worst but also great for entertaining friends. I have a million matches on it but I’ve only ever messaged like two of them. 🙂 It’s not for everyone!
Thank you!
Tinder has been feeling like how I have crushes at school … when they like me back, I think, “Oh, no! Now they know I like their cute faces/muscles/butts!”
I’ve also had more OKCupid conversations lately where the guy just stops responding … it doesn’t bug me beyond the vague lack of courtesy, but sometimes my jerkbrain will whisper, “Maybe you’re weirding them out too fast.”
But no. I’m totally awesome.
And honestly, maybe that could be true and also a good thing? “Sweet, I weirded that one out right away! High five, quality filter!”
I don’t know if this helps, but I take a very “what have I got to lose?” attitude towards messaging people. The odds of ever actually seeing them IRL are teeny tiny, and that makes it easier for me to put myself out there. Are you just saying “hey” or are you striking up a conversation based on stuff in their profiles? I personally won’t respond to anyone who doesn’t mention something I wrote.
This week in online dating for me:
Got an OKC message from a dude who seems like a good feminist ally and is into almost all the same stuff I am. He told a really funny joke in his message to me, and we both love the same semi-obscure TV show (Slings and Arrows). I haven’t written back to anyone on OKC in like a month until I got his message. Only problem is….he’s not attractive to me. At ALL. Sigh. I don’t want to make him think I’m romantically interested, but I also don’t want to say “JSYK, DON’T WANT TO BANG YOU” right off the bat.
A few days ago I Tinder-matched with this adorable nerdy boy who’s posing with a model Uruk-Hai in one of his photos. We have a lot in common and to top it off, he looks a bit like Hugh Dancy, which….well, let’s put it this way, if you ever see a Perez Hilton article about a woman breaking into Hugh Dancy’s house or like, vigorously rubbing up against his leg in the street, that’s me. That person will be me. So I messaged Hugh-alike, but he hasn’t been active on Tinder in 3 weeks and I worry our love will never come to pass and Hugh Dancy will still be in grave danger from me.
Mwahaha!
Totally writing a message with conversation stuff. I don’t respond to “hey” messages from guys (and they’re usually from people I don’t match well with) myself … I’ve learned a lot from profiles and messages that work and don’t work.
GAH HUGH DANCY
As for OKC guy, I think having a conversation via message is pretty low-stakes. There’s been a few times I think, “Well, maybe I’ll like him more through talking” and give that a try. I’ve had several decent-length conversations where eventually meeting is brought up and I just politely say I enjoyed the conversation but I don’t think I’m interested in meeting up, so chalking it up to chemistry is implied. It’s worked surprisingly well.
While I’m definitely open to making friends, I don’t suggest saying that as a way to deflect romance, because it’s WAY harder to tell someone you don’t want to be friends if it ends up being that way.
I generally don’t respond to people I’m not interested in, unless they’ve taken the time, like this dude has, to write a thoughtful message. Then I just say something like “I appreciate the thoughtful message but I don’t think we’re a match.” I dunno if that’s better or worse than not responding but it feels better on my end.
I am planning on restarting my OKC next Friday. Wish me luck!!
Luck luck luck!
Yes, good luck, we will await your stories!
Yay, thanks for starting this!
I have a date tonight with a bearded fellow at Snakes and Lagers, so even if he sucks I’m going to have a fucking great time. Incidentally, he is the first man I have ever messaged first who actually messaged me back! I think paperbgprincess is exactly right — don’t spend a lot of time crafting a message. It makes it easier to stop yourself keeping track of every person who doesn’t respond. My rule of thumb is that if I can’t think of exactly what I’m going to say by the time I get to the bottom of their profile, then I don’t bother.
Last night, a faceless man on OKC messaged me to state that on a scale of 1-10, he’d give me a 3.4. So, now I don’t have to die wondering my value to one random Toronto man!
Ooh, have fun! Snakes and Lagers is a great name, that sounds like an excellent place to go on a date.
Lol @3.4 man. What a weird thing to a) think and b) take the time to send to another person. What is it about the internet that makes men think that every single thought they have is worthy of being communicated (see also: 97.4% of YouTube comments)?
I’m just so baffled that someone made it a priority to tell me I’m a 3.4? In his own estimation? Like, your time on earth is so short?
I try to think of sending out messages as a low-stakes operation, and remember that if someone doesn’t message back it could be for a myriad of reasons that might not have anything to do with me. Although that said I don’t do it as much as I should because all of the successes I’ve had are with people who’ve messaged me first.
This week I reconnected with a dude that I met on okc last summer and we had a sexy good time that I am hoping can be repeated. I am wearing the same cardigan to work today that I wore that night and my right shoulder smells like his cologne from cuddling while we watched tv. (One of my ideal date scenarios is: food, tv and cuddling, and then sex). And this weekend I am going to a queer sex party (I’m sorry, this has nothing to do with online dating, but I can’t talk about it to most of my real life friends for confidentiality reasons, and I am excited). It is being organized by some people who I know to be very thoughtful about creating a positive environment so I think it will be a nice time. I signed up to bring a snack, and after some deliberation and consultation with my friend the nutrition expert, I’m making chocolate peanut butter protein balls. Tasty, not too filling, but good fuel.
well, you guys have inspired me to finally make a new OkCupid profile. We’ll see how this goes. I definitely have a much firmer sense of self than the last time I made one of these so it was much easier to make a profile that shows who i am a bit more. (translation: I give fewer fucks about whether people on the internet think I’m cool.)
Best response so far to a guy trying to argue with rejection: “This isn’t a debate, that was a polite ‘No’.” aaaaand blocked. I’m now taking bets on how long it takes me to screen out straight people looking at my profile.
Hi toasties. Any advice for how help to help a person with anxiety / depression issues who is feeling so down about being unemployed that he will freeze over submitting a cover letter for weeks /generally freeze about applying for more jobs, has a defeatist attitude that he will fuck everything up anyways so why bother applying? I know the answer is probably nothing that I can do, but worried about my little bro. He finally started seeing a therapist, but I am worried he is going to stop going.
Edit: Maybe a story I could share about how it taking a lot of applications to get a job is normal?
Ask A Manager has great resources as well as a lot of reassurance that job hunting these days is a lot different and more difficult than it used to be. Especially if you have older people in your family giving him crappy, outdated advice, this perspective can be really helpful. Here’s a good summary of what it’s like out there.
I sent that article to MrChouffe a couple of weeks ago. It’s really, really good.
When I finished school I applied for somewhere between 50 and 70 jobs. I also have anxiety/depression issues and this was a pretty terrible time in my life. Just thinking about writing cover letters and preparing for interviews made my anxiety ramp up. I listened to calming music basically all the time and did my best cover letter writing sitting in a hot bath with a notebook because that cut off my favorite ways to avoid doing whatever I should be doing. This is…not a comforting story, maybe. But I applied for loads of jobs and eventually got some interviews and fucked some up and did well on others and eventually got offered 2 jobs! And I took one of them and just being done with job hunting made me feel so much better.
I wasn’t doing very much or seeing many people during the worst of the job hunt, and I think hanging out with people and talking about things that had nothing to do with it would have helped.
It is comforting to me actually, to know you didn’t give up. Congratulations and thank you for your perspective. I will share the tips for creating a relax zone while applying for jobs, seems like a great idea. (If he wants tips, I usually ask if he wants advice for me to just listen)
I move often for Mr. Rose’s career. So I am job hunting often. I need 6 months to a year in each new location before getting a job. I apply to roughly 4 jobs each week. Make little bro do the math.
And it’s fucking horrible, job hunting. So I prioritize volunteer work over the job hunt. My first contact in a new location is to look for somewhere to volunteer. The job hunt goes so much better when I feel useful. And interviews are better because the volunteering dampens the desperation vibe.
I hadn’t thought of volunteering as a confidence booster in this way, but I absolutely think this could help him. I think sitting around the house all day stewing over his failure just makes him feel worse and worse.
I read the links that Ethylbenzene posted, and it sounds like the job market today is a lot like it was in the early 1990s. It was a tough job market back then.
Some people applied for 100 jobs and got 100 “we don’t want you” letters. I went to the job interviews that my University sponsored and found out that I didn’t fit in with any of my home-state companies. I was in IT, and was a creative sort — more the scientist type than the IT-administrative, “we’ve been running our IT department like this for 20 years and we aren’t going to change anything” – types that the local insurance, finance etc companies wanted. Basically, these companies wanted people who could stare at a computer screen all day and be fine with that.
So a fellow graduate gave me the advice to pick one company that I wanted to work for, and spend a lot of time researching and working to be their perfect employee. It was a pretty scary scenario, but nothing else I was doing was working. And then, everything changed when one of my professors said he’d gotten a call from a national laboratory, who asked him to recommend recent graduates who might fit into their environment. He was going to recommend me, because, he said, I worked hard and was a bulldog when it came to solving problems. Scientists at this national laboratory didn’t necessarily have to be star students but needed to be willing to work crazy hours to uh “get the job done.”
I looked into the company and they were really really picky about who they chose to work there. And I decided that THIS would be the company I’d research and become the perfect employee for. I mean, I had nothing to lose. No one was hiring.
The initial contact from the lab was in December 1991, a telephone interview, and I finally got an in-person interview the next April. I had to give an hour-long presentation to a group of scientists on my area of expertise. Then I’d have to talk to up to 20 scientists in the two-day interview, and each and every scientist had to agree that I’d make a good employee. If even one scientist said I wouldn’t fit in, I wouldn’t get the job.
Well, picking out the subject for my presentation was difficult, since I only had a BS in computer science — I knew general things, but I wasn’t an expert at anything. So I did a presentation on software engineering (which I don’t think even exists today) — and I worked on the presentation from December 1991 to April 1992. I had it down cold.
But, when I had a breakfast meeting with my future project manager at the laboratory, I discovered that one of the premises for my presentation was incorrect. This I discovered about 15 minutes before the presentation, so I started asking him questions about … this error and then tried to figure out what I should do during the presentation. Do I say I made an error, or do I just power through with my original script? I decided to say that I had made an error, and then report what I’d learned from the project manager in the breakfast interview. I’d had to rewrite 2/3rds of my presentation … and hope that my assertions were correct this time.
And, this turned out to be what got me the job. It turns out that scientists give presentations all the time, and often find out that some piece of information/approach/solution is wrong or doesn’t work — minutes before they give their presentations. And then they have to backtrack, rewrite, figure out what to say — think on their feet, in other words. And, I didn’t know I could do this, think on my feet, and I’d never seen “think on your feet” as part of any job description.
But later, when I thought about the qualities that a good scientist should have, one was getting up, getting started again, not giving up when an idea doesn’t work out, when an approach doesn’t work out — and just trying again.
Anyway, the interview process was rigorous and tiring … these scientists picked apart my brain for 2 days, asked theoretical questions about how would I do something, how would I solve something, how I would approach something. How would I tell another team member that their idea was wrong/wouldn’t work. I was asked to describe a technical problem in a way that a non-computer-scientist could understand … . It was all stuff that a scientist had to do every single day, at least at this place.
I must have done okay because I got the job. I started in June 1992 … so the total time from initial job interview (December to June) to getting the job was 7 months.
I had told my family in December 1991 that I was going to work at this laboratory, and that it was the only job I was going to apply for. They thought I was nuts. I put in a lot of work, researching this place, and trying to figure out what their perfect employee would be … and it worked out for the best. Luckily.
(A side-effect of the rigorous job interview process is that my fellow scientists never said, or implied, that I got the job because I was a woman, and that I was in some way under-qualified. Much different from later jobs I had … .)
It took me just shy of a year (seriously, about a week shy) to get a job a few years ago. I graduated from college in 2009 and had done internships and some freelance work, but that didn’t lead to anything full time for a while, because 2009. It’s a really rough feeling, especially when you’re literally reminded by a person accepting applications at a stationery store in the mall that you have a BA. (THANKS, FRANKLIN COVEY SALESPERSON.)
The best advice I ever got–the advice that pulled me out of a hole again and again–was that I needed to remember that there wasn’t anything wrong with my applications; it was just that there was someone out there who caught their eye first. It’s not a personal reflection on you when you don’t get a callback. It’s a reflection on how many applicants are up for any particular job, no matter what skill set is required.
I also occupied my mind by cycling most weekday mornings, baking cookies, and indulging in some comedy podcasts.
Oh my. This was me, for an entire YEAR, until two months ago.
What changed?
SSRIs.
Seriously. I had tried yoga, running, diet changes, travel, therapy, forcing myself to try to make new friends, networking, forcing myself to get new certifications to spice up my resume, shopping therapy, crying it out, sucking it up. Any variation of things they tell you to do to cheer up and get back to work. It wasn’t until a therapist firmly recommended, multiple times, that I try medication that I figured, what the hell, I have nothing to lose. Two months after starting Lexapro, I have a fancy new job, a fancy new wardrobe, I’m in much better shape because I’m actually excited about doing my yoga, and my relationship is better than ever.
Not everything is perfect – my new job is not in my ideal field; I have a bunch of credit card debt from my unemployed year down in the dumps – but it’s a start. Good luck to your brother, he’s lucky to have you around.
I’m a little late responding to this, but I went through a lot of the same stuff, to the point that my family got pretty worried. I didn’t have a job that lasted for longer than 9 months for 3 years after I graduated college because that’s all I could find.
Little mantras that helped me:
You only need one job — it can be overwhelming to apply for a lot of jobs that all seem out of your league, especially knowing that odds are that you won’t get most of them. But you don’t have to get most of them! You just need to get one job, and then your search is done.
Not applying guarantees that you won’t get the job (sort of like you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take). Nobody is going to punish you for applying for a job you don’t get, and as long as your application isn’t patently ridiculous, no decent employer is going to sit in their office mocking you. Ask a Manager did a good job of getting that into my head. I spent waaayyy too much time handwringing over whether I was perfectly qualified for jobs and whether I should apply. Some of it was probably some belief that if I found a job I was 100% perfect for, I would get that job. But that’s not how it works–I didn’t get jobs I thought I was perfectly qualified for, and the job I did get, I didn’t have every single qualification for.
This is another one from Ask a Manager: the search goes both ways. The employer is not some god gifting you with a job (and any one that feels that way is not worth working for)–they have a problem they’re looking to solve, and you are offering them a solution. This mindset helped me be much more confident in interviews.
Now that I finally have a mostly secure job that I’m happy in, I’m kind of glad I had 3 years of turmoil and many crappy short-term jobs. I’ve dealt with so many difficult people and workplaces that I can spot drama/difficult people from a mile away, and after working in truly toxic workplaces, I have much better perspective on the minor problems that do crop up. Also, after so many rounds of job-hunting, my cover letter/resume/interview skills are pretty damn good. I heartily second the Ask a Manager recommendation–I read her site religiously, and her job hunting/interview guides are really helpful.
Happy Purim, fellow Jewish toasties!
My niece knew the word “carnivore” before she ever heard the word “carnival.” When she was four, she told her mom how excited she was for the “Purim carnivore.” Then she paused and said “I don’t know what kinds of animals the Purim carnivore eats.” I refuse to call it anything else to this day.
My sister and I are not big fans of the “big crowds and lots of noise” factor of Purim, but we do appreciate the “get drunk” commandment, so we skipped the Megillah reading and went to a restaurant and drank Game of Thrones beer.
Please share your favorite hamentaschen filling recipes. I’m thinking about putting cookie butter in some of mine.
I don’t make most of my fillings from scratch, but the Solo brand pie fillings are REALLY good. And we usually have about eight kinds of jam/preserves in my apartment, so. I like apricot, raspberry, and plum best.
I am in love with the phrase “Purim carnivore”. Wow. Thank you for sharing that!
chag sameach!
chuckling at “purim carnivore”—that’s amazing.
i’m not a big fan of the noise and crowds, either, but i am definitely a fan of the drinking and the hamantaschen. i like traditional poppyseed filling, or any kind of marmalade or figgy jam, but cookie butter sounds like it would be amazinggg.
what if there had been a band named Tents and they got really famous but there was a lot of arguing and strife within the band and years later while on Behind The Music the lead singer said “yeah, for a while it was pretty intense in Tents”
If I were in that band I wouldn’t be able to resist starting arguments for that very reason.
You could just yell at people “I’m in Tents!” and they’d be all “yeah you are, just calm down” and you’d yell “NO I’m telling you which band I’m in” and then after getting famous you’d be one of the homonyms on the game show Homonym from 30 Rock
ooh ooh what are the names of the band members? I would like one of them to be named Thu. “Weren’t you dating that bassist?” “We had to break up, she was Thu in Tents. They’re on tour like all year.”
AND A GUY NAMED MALCOLM. “Who’s that and why does he look so angry?” “That’s Malcolm, Tents.”
“That’s Paz, Tents. He’s always late.”
And then one named Preston, Prez for short – “Hey, that’s Prez in Tents!”
And then there was another band also called Tents, and they opened for the first band Tents, and they don’t get along…
Relax, you’re two Tents!
… it’s funnier when I say this joke rather than try to type it.
And then those two bands went on a combative camping trip, causing an outside observer to exclaim, “You’re two Tents intense in tents!”
One of the members of Tents hooked up with a member of the other Tents on the trip, which prompted one of the fights. They were two in Tents in tents, which made Tents tense.
And during a fight someone spilled several bottles of perfume, so the two Tents were incensed in scents while the two in Tents were intense in tents
Tents tries to resolve the situation, decides the other Tents should stop opening for them. “Guys, let’s drop the pre-Tents.”
After that, everything was pretty grim. Poor Tents!
Enraged, the pre-Tents assault the other band, leading to them spending several weeks in jail, where they all eat together at a table of con-Tents.
Also I disagree, as your joke made me laugh really loudly and I will now spend the rest of the day trying to come up with increasingly bizarre scenarios for the bands Tents
First album Teepee versus Wigwam, second We’re Just Two Tents? (That Dog fans, whereyouat?)
third album, Tentropy (they were really going downhill at that point)
What if they released a hit single in December called “Our Discount?”
DJs could announce what a big hit it is by saying, “This really is the winter of Our Discount — Tents”
Years later, a Tents documentary would be released (for very cheap) in an especially wintry January, but only on DVD, resulting in long lines of people camping outside stores, leading to an interviewer telling the director “I’m glad I only expensed a few cents, but this winter of your disc on Tents is intense for those in tents!”
OH MY GOD THIS THREAD
Seriously. Where but The Toast could this happen?
Right, so. Ladies who enjoy ladies, how do you date? I’m seeing all these things where people are all into categorizing themselves as butch/femme/all other varieties of preformative femininity and sticking to that hardcore. And I’m not any of those. I’m just a boring bisexual who dresses in whatever doesn’t itch. I’m not visibly queer enough to have any traction in our local irl dating scene (and hooboy is it scene-y), and online is just so… well it’s nickknamed okstupid for a reason.
Help me, Sappho Wan Kenobi.
I have no wise words for you, because I too fall under your self-description. So I am just going to sit here and take notes if anyone else jumps in.
Are you me? You must be. I went to a “lipstick lesbian” meetup because I’m more on the femme end of the spectrum but still felt super out of place because I’m bisexual and not FEMME femme.
My current plan is to organize a Toastie meetup in my city and just date one of you people and invite the whole site to our wedding and have Mallory officiate.
There really needs to be a version of okcupid which is curated by Nicole and Mallory so the only people who are there are reasonable humans. 🙂
I would pay so much for this.
I would break up with my boyfriend for this. Maybe.
*giggles* Well maybe they will branch out in that direction. Something like that would make my desire to find someone to date seem a lot more /possible/ — right now I just get stuck on all the complications of explaining that I exist.
seconded.
This needs to happen. To Indie Gogo and awaaaaay!!!!
Yes, this is why I’ve dated more men than women: there are more of them, they are more likely to assume (rightly or wrongly) that I will be interested in dating them, and they are easier to meet.
Are there any queer organizations that you can volunteer for? This is one of the main ways I’ve met other queers. Also through roller derby, although that is a significant time investment (but actually they are usually looking for voluteers for their events).
Really I’ve had the most luck sifting through the many many horrible okc encounters to find the few gems though.
Good luck!
Oh man, I completely hear you. I’m afraid I can’t offer any advice because I’ve basically just resigned myself to the slim pickings online (though that’s partially because if there *is* an irl dating scene near me, I don’t know where to find it… and most assuredly wouldn’t fit in any better there). But I completely hear you.
I’ve been refreshing Meetup, hoping that maybe a new meetup will show up. No such luck lately — there was a lesbian group for about two weeks, but after they put in a chiding message in their description about straight women trying to join, I decided not to try that one.
I have no advice because I have a similar problem. I’m actually married (to a woman) but we are open and in any case I would like more queer female friends, but I have no idea how to meet anyone. I joined a women’s soccer league that turned out to be super queer but also very scene-y and everyone already knows each other and I don’t come across as queer enough to fit in. And everyone is so YOUNG, good grief.
If only there were a queer Toast IRL meetup group, somehow transcending the limitations of time and physical location…
I would so go to that meetup. I’m in a relationship, and we are both old. But I would so love to make some new Toastfriends!
Omg are you me? I found some queer specific online dating sites (I live overseas) and straight up met a very cool lady to whom I’m chatting. I basically have no other way to meet people organically. Good luck.
Premature baby loss talk below:
So we just got past the original due date, and it is so hard and so sad and it really is hitting my partner hard now – I think he was so taken up with caring for me that he hasn’t been able to pause? But we are getting through it. It’s so hard but we’re getting through it. Here is the weird thing: we never finished her bedroom and I’ve been deriving a great deal of comfort from fixing it up. Her little clothes are all washed and folded and put away, I’ve hung curtains and am finishing a baby blanket. I think of it all as for her, even though she won’t ever see them. A friend offered to store everything for us and I just don’t want to do that. I like going in her room and thinking about her. So you know, hoping I don’t get too weird about it, but it’s good for now, I guess.
Oh amanita. I’m so sorry. I think you have a very therapeutic approach, visiting your baby’s room and thinking about her. This seems right and good. Not that my opinion matters, but I don’t think it’s at all weird. You are being respectful of her memory and you are healing your own heart.
Thank you – I think about this lady I used to babysit for as a teen who really wanted a daughter (3 sons) and had a terrifying room full of lace and dolls and I do not want to end up there but also, it’s not the same. Thank you for affirming that, really.
<3
Hey Scandyhoovian, I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing. Many hugs to you and amanita.
<3 to you, too. I’ve been thinking of you.
I am still so sorry this is there to deal with, but so glad you are finding your own ways. Loss is really, really hard.
This sounds so lovely.
I really don’t mean to say the wrong thing here. But a few years ago I read an article about how animals grieve. There was a story about a german shepherd who was a pet in a family who lost a baby. The dog had loved, guarded, protected that baby, and continued to visit the baby’s room after she was gone. Still protecting it, in a way. Sometimes it’s so nice to take our cues from animals.
I hope you and your partner get through this okay. You sound very loving.
I don’t want to use a gif because that might seem flippant. Please know my heart hurts for you and I wish there was something that could be done to ease your grief.
Been feeling anxious lately about money, housing, and the future. I’m paying all my rent now, and between bills (electric heating during the coldest February on record in Toronto, y’all) and the eye-buggingly expensive housing market (interest rate at less than 1%!), it’s hard not to feel doom and gloom.
I’m super lucky to have a secure, well-paid job, and I have serious savings that a lot of people don’t, so I know I’ve done something right. It’s just, well, that mentality that I can always do better. I am definitely working on my discretionary spending, and learning. I’m trying to give myself permission and time to really learn living on my own for real for the first time! (I lived away from home for years but always with my ex.)
I think I feel guilty because I know I could look for a smaller place and pay a little less rent, but it wouldn’t be the same crazy bargain as the place I have now (that was cozy for two, and now just a little spacious for one). My landlord raised the rent for this year (about $40 a month), probably for the first time in years, and had the place up for sale, so that triggered a bit of anxiety. And the electricity bill did NOT help.
A budget brings freedom. When you have accounted for, planned for, all of your known expenses, when you have a line item for saving for the future, no matter how small, and when you have 3 to 6 months of income set aside for emergencies, you can include a budget item for discretionary spending. Knowing you can freely spend X amount each month is wonderful. Even if it’s only $5 to begin with.
Can we talk about psychics/tarot/readings? I would never intentionally seek them out, since I think the bulk of ‘readings’ are guessing things based on body language/dress, and people (including me!) will hear what they want to hear.
BUT.
A woman came to a program I was giving at my library this week. She sits down, looks around the room and asks, “why do I see a white poodle and a black cat walking around here?”
Growing up, my family had three white mini poodles. I also have a black cat now. And, other than the stray cat hair that was probably lingering on my clothes, there was nothing that could have prompted her to say something like that. It FREAKED ME OUT, but was also really nice because she kept saying they loved me and were looking out for me (again, she was probably telling me what I’d want to hear.)
Has anyone else had an experience like this? You can tell me creepy Ouija board stories, too.
That’s so cool!
After the loss of my grandmother, my grandfather visited a psychic who told him she was still watching out for us, and that she had a white horse and an orange cat with her. My grandfather never paid attention to our pets, but in that past year our white horse and orange cat had both died! The psychic also told him that she was watching my sister and I on the school bus so I felt creeped out by the bus for a while after that. 😮
I was acquainted with a woman who was the closest to being a legit psychic as anyone I’ve ever known. She was uncannily accurate with Tarot card readings for complete strangers. I’m very scientifically-inclined and a skeptic, but I also think there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, you know?
A quiet, boss-less day at work allows me to make a rare but highly desired visit to the open thread! Lovely to check in with you all.
To avoid overrunning the Sticker Story with quotes from The Fall, I would like to declare a Stella Gibson appreciation thread.
I tend to take media hard or not at all–music, video games, TV shows, once I get into something I get immersed. And The Fall is a very weird and dark world to be immersed in, but it has all these glorious little gems that sharply criticize its own genre. I felt similarly about Top of the Lake–really hard to watch because it deals with (and sometimes graphically depicts) violence against women and girls, but both shows really use that medium to make some devastating observations about socially normative misogyny.
Did you watch all the way through the second season yet? What did you think of the season 2 finale?
Oooh, not there yet! I’m about halfway through Season 2 and have every intention of finishing tonight, then having nightmares about it again. 🙂
Seriously, I woke up a little late this morning because of it and my cat was staring at me solemnly, as she often does when I’m late for breakfast but she doesn’t want to wake me up, and her giant round staring eyes (usually very cute!) creeped me out so much.
We binge watched the first season over again in preparation for watching the second, and it totally was giving my wife nightmares too. Such a creepy (and well done) show.
Oh I only have a couple of episodes left and I’m already really mad that I’m going to run out. Maybe next week we can have a spoilery thread.
I liked season 2 even more!
I liked most of season two but not sure how I feel about that last episode / ending.
it’s taking me forever to get through The Fall because it is such a disturbing and dark world, but man, I love Stella, I love her SO MUCH.
We confused Stella Gibson (who I am guessing is this character from this show?) with Stella Gibbons, author of _Cold Comfort Farm_ and many other fine novels. 🙂 Who also could use an appreciation thread, I am sure, so maybe I will make one next week!
Just started this on Wednesday! So ludicrously compelling. Stella’s mini-monologue on one night stands in the third episode had me making heart eyes at the TV.
Somehow, it’s still a little odd to see Gillian Anderson in any other role except, you know, the one that made her.
I missed The Fall because…I’m missing most things right now, but it sounds more interesting as I hear more about it.
Ok I’m gonna go ahead and start the pet thread too. Give me all you dog / cat pics. Here are some of mine:
How do all your pets pose so nicely for you? Do you tranq them first? They’re all majestic!
They are very lucky shots! Actually both our dogs typically HATE having the phone pointed at them and will usually try to run away from it (or at least lose their cute pose). So I have to be sneaky 🙂
ohhhhh lookit those floppy doggie ears ohhhhhh
Those photos are lovely! What a great job. I, unfortunately, only have photos taken on my super shitty camera phone at twilight to share. BUT last week some of you wanted cat/ungulate love updates and I have some! A couple of days ago we had a moose in our yard again. Note, she is not Moxie’s true-love moose, as she is a bit smaller and has a baby and the other moose did not. Moxie is apparently not very discerning, though because:
Moxie sees moose
Moose ignores Moxie
“Hi Moose!”
“Hi Moose! Hi! Hi!”
“HI MOOSE I AM OVER HERE LOOK OVER HERE RIGHT NOW HI MOOSE HI!!!!”
I am so disappointed I packed my camera away in prep for moving and couldn’t get clear photos 🙁
It’s not that she isn’t discerning! She just has too much love in her heart for just one moose to handle.
Moose!
MOOOOOOOOOOOSE!!! I adore your cat.
Noooo are you moving away from the moose? What will moxie do???
doggie
doggie
kitty
kitty
llama
llama
…duck?
Cats and dogs living in the same thread together! Madness!
(Also, what lovely well-behaved pets!)
They are only well-behaved in those photos, believe me!
I’m going to post this here in hopes that you have some magic advice: I’ve had a lovely cat for 4 years, his name is Turkey. I bought a house a year ago, the cat moved with me from an apartment where he lived with my roommate’s cat. they got along fine, but weren’t friends. they could sit in the same room together and would occasionally chase each other around.
my boyfriend and I decided to adopt a 2nd cat because Turkey stopped eating when we traveled and we thought he’d do better with a companion to distract him. We adopted a younger male from a shelter after running the whole thing by the counselors. They said this cat (Viggo) was okay with other cats, had been put in a room with a bunch and didn’t care.
After having them separated, got used to each other’s smells, switched rooms for a bit, we introduced them and it was very hostile. We re-separated them for a bit, tried again, Viggo again attacked Turkey and Turkey urinated in fear and went under the bed, which is unheard of, he hates small spaces. We tried pheromones, gradual interaction via carriers, harnesses, and baby gates with treat therapy (feed them treats when they see each other without freaking out), in various combinations. Viggo busted the baby gate down.
Turkey won’t stop acting scared/submissive when he sees Viggo, or attacking Viggo’s paw through the door. Viggo won’t stop immediately reacting with attacking Turkey. No one we know wants to adopt Viggo, although he is The Sweetest cat when only humans are in the room. The only thing in his personality that is annoying is that he hates Turkey.
The only friend we know who wants a cat has a dog, and we will try to introduce them but I admit my hopes are not high. My feeling now is that if that doesn’t work out he should go back to the (no-kill) shelter. What say you?
(or does anyone in Pittsburgh want the best little grey cat?)
picture here
I’m sorry, that sounds like a rough situation :(. I’m afraid I don’t have any advice beyond what you have tried… In our case the two cats already got along before we got the dogs as they were my wife’s and lived together with lots of other animals before. It is mostly the dogs we have to keep in line (and we are lucky there too because while they like to chase the cats they don’t actually bite at them or hurt them in any way).
Sounds like it’s just one of those things you can’t predict where they don’t get along for some reason unknowable to us. It is sad to have to return the cat to the shelter but it is probably for the best for everyone involved.
We have a couple friends who are living in Pittsburgh, however they have two cats and a brand new baby so I don’t think they can take on another :).
Ah, that’s sad. I’m in a similar circumstance, with 2 cats who simply don’t get along despite months of doing everything you’re supposed to do (and that you also did). In my case we’re able to keep them separated, so they each “own” a reasonably sized bedroom and take turns in the rest of the house, and they are happy with that arrangement. But if you don’t have the space to do that, and if after several weeks the tension still persists, I think re-homing the more recent addition is the compassionate thing to do. I tried for months to get my cats to get along and they simply don’t, and I still don’t know why. Sometimes you just can’t make them play nice, and there’s no sense in keeping them together when it makes them miserable.
thanks, both of you! It’s somehow reassuring to hear that sometimes it just doesn’t work out. I love this little guy, but I think he’s so cute he’ll get adopted. here’s the link I was trying to link to: https://www.flickr.com/photos/beuysgirl/167106780…
I used to read a really good cat blog called Paws and Effect, they have some great advice about introducing cats. It sounds like you’ve already seriously tried some of the methods but maybe look it up and write to that blogger? She’s a real cat expert. Good luck!
The gentleman caller’s dog having a lovely time in the snow. She is so smiley.
Captain was being very stealthy and ninja-like getting into the Box of Joy with his sister. He took all morning to infiltrate.
And then when he got there, he fell asleep and started snoring, and Saffron woke up, smacked him until he stopped, and then they both went back to sleep.
I do not currently have a dog, but my mom sent me pictures of our late dog in the snow like 4 or 5 years ago. The snow was so deep that we had to dig him out a path to run around in the yard.
This week in Admiraal cats:
The Hawkeye Funko Pop Vinyl finally came out, so that meant Midna got a new box.
Just Garrus being Garrus.
Yesterday was a snow day for me and my girlfriend. When we informed Musichetta we’d be staying home, all day, this was her reaction:
i am not sure if this embed link will work, so here’s my doggy boyfriend
Nope here’s a clicky
I was forced to stop internetting just now. A little dog demanded I pick her up. When I did she rested her muzzle on my shoulder and fell asleep. So I was trapped. Trapped by 13 pounds of cuteness.
Ruthie update!
Am I remembering rightly that this little sweetheart had surgery on her eye? She is looking gorgeous. I love her little worried eyebrows.
Nope, not her, she’s just naturally concerned all the time!
She is so sweet I can’t stand it!! Look at that furrowed lil brow.
She looks so thoughtful. Like her namesake.
I forgot to bring her a comfy bed, so she’s making do with her skunk toy. Poor pup, what a tough life.
Snow dogs!
And the majestic Roo:
Sorry*, I think I’ve fallen in love with your orange & white kitten. Looks so much like a kitty I lost to cancer a few years ago.
*not actually sorry
Aw sorry to hear about your loss.
If it helps in any way, this guy is a total spoiled brat. He even makes our other cat beg for food for him (we try to give her as much food as she wants cause she is a little underweight, but then he just steals it all!)
He gets his commupence when the fearful corgi is unleashed upon him :).
I don’t mind cheeky kitties. 🙂
I will check it out! I’m strangely into slightly soap-y stuff right now so that might be right up my alley.
Hello Toasties! I’m gorging on a Publix sub. It is delicious.
I’ve gone from the sad part of grieving the loss of the baby to the angry part.
You don’t need me to tell you: It’s OK to be angry. I’m angry on your behalf, vicariously. Wishing you more delicious sandwiches next week.
I… don’t have an angry hug gif?
I’m basing this on my Dude looking for work in the field for the last two years – paying our dues and certification fees and registry check fees and fees to apply to jobs, volunteering two to three times a week for the last year to “get a foot in the door” and “stay current” – and he can’t even get on a substitute list. This is with glowing reviews and references from everybody who’s taught or worked with him.
We’re literally having him go back to school to try and learn another language because that *might* work. I’m just so frustrated, especially because “be a teacher” wasn’t an unrealistic dream as little as twelve years ago.
Ugh, I hear this story from so many people I went to high school with 12 years ago – I feel like we were all told that teaching would be a great career choice, and it has worked out for literally zero of the people I know. Take care of yourself.
Interesting. Why is this? I know very little about the education world (obviously).
Ugh, I’m sorry.
I was with my ex through teacher’s college (his). It was so frustrating. One thing that always ENRAGED me is that he desperately wanted to pursue a career in comedy writing, which he was great at, but he was a huge mama’s boy, and his parents insisted that he go to teacher’s college so he would have a “safe career”. And look where that got him.
Actually, he’s a teacher at a private school in TO, so he’s ok I guess, but the whole thing just bothered me so much.
Budget advice for my kid, please!
He’ll probably be working an internship at UCLA this summer, and needs to develop a budget for food/transportation/housing. (Also to find a place to live. I presume he can find a student with an apartment room to sublet?) I don’t know what he should expect in that area. I mean, I know how much food costs, if he has access to a kitchen, but otherwise – what does a 19 year old need to live on?
Thanks for y’alls help.
Definitely some kind of budget for whether he’ll be taking transit or parking at the university, plus any fees for a local parking permit. If he’s going to primarily use transit, I would build in some money for cabs/uber, but you could also put that in a discretionary category, since that would likely be for evening activities.
He absolutely should be able to find a student’s place to sublet from! I don’t know any UCLA resources, but at my college we used to have an off-campus housing service that helped students list their apartments for sublet. It was like craigslist but had the security of the staff having verified the person listing the subtle was a student. You didn’t have to be a student to sublet. Perhaps UCLA has something similar?
Some type of disposable income – at 19 I spent most of my money on food of the eating out variety (especially in summer) and/or late night variety (both “beverages” and greasy pizza). It might be helpful to set two budgets for food, one for groceries for things like breakfast and lunch and one for going out?
Maybe some nicer clothes, if he gets two weeks into his internship and realizes his dress pants aren’t cutting it for whatever reason?
Man I think about what I spent money on at 19 and yeah…pretty much food.
(eta: congrats to him!!)
Even after months of delivering pizzas and sometimes working in the restaurant’s kitchen, he still opts to eat pizza sometimes. Never ceases to amaze.
Thanks for this!
He might check out the federal per diem rate for meals and incidentals, and then use 75% of that if it’s long term? Depending on who is funding the budget, that’s the accepted practice in university grant land. The university might also have dorm housing available in the summer, if he hasn’t looked into that already.
No dorm housing available – only for UCLA students, which he’s not.
Good idea on the fed per diem! Since I have to work on my taxes this weekend anyway I will grab that info as a diversion from all my expense receipts I totally meant to organize better last year.
I used to work at the UC Santa Cruz Community Rentals office — I’m sure UCLA has an equivalent somewhere in its housing/student services dept. We kept a database of rentals and sublets near campus. If there isn’t an online database he can check now as a nonstudent, have him call the office and get advice. (The Santa Cruz office was always really slow and I would have loved to have spent a bunch of time researching budgets. Maybe if UCLA is busier this won’t be as easy.)
I used to work at the UCSC Grad Student Housing Office. I know that’s not relevant to this discussion, but hey!
Thanks for the tip – that’s a great idea.
yeah hi it’s liz from twitter i think we’ve talked about this before! 🙂
I actually have a photo to share this week!
Here’s my baby girl from the last time I visited home. I miss living with her, even though it’s nice to not have to lint roll everything 6 times before leaving the house.
Oh my, what a gorgeous dog!
Adorable. I don’t bother with the lint roller. I just dress to match the dog hair. Lots of black in my wardrobe to go with the two long-haired black dogs.
I did an elimination diet in the fall and I won’t lie, it was HARD. But also kind of fun? If you love food, it actually makes it easier in some ways. I ate a LOT of new-to-me grains, legumes, and vegetables, and I experimented with spices I’d never tried before. And when the “test days” started coming around, I thought about my very favorite thing in the test-food category and made sure to eat that. So on gluten day, I went out for waffles, and on dairy day I ate a hunk of delicious cheese.
I’m already a vegetarian and I eliminated the usual suspects (dairy, soy, gluten) plus some also-rans (peanuts, corn, eggs, nightshade vegetables) and other things specific to the acid reflux that was bothering me (citrus, coffee). I ignored basically every packaged food in the grocery store, with the exception of a few flavors of Larabar, which were total lifesavers for me.
Unfortunately I didn’t get any big revelations from my elimination diet, but I still recommend them. If you discover new ways to eat well without the food you love that doesn’t love you back, it’s definitely worthwhile!
(this was for the elimination diet thread on the first page)
Old brains. Really old brains.
“Upon closer examination, the soil-caked cranium contained an unusual yellow substance that turned out to be Britain’s oldest surviving human brain.”
oh my god
“I peered though the hole at the base of the skull to investigate and to my surprise saw a quantity of bright yellow spongy material,”
oh my god
“structures which appear to be unequivocally of brain origin”
oh my GODDDDDD
So, I am a month into my new job and I am still so confused as to what it is I’m meant to be doing. I work at a mental health crisis center, and my job title is “advocate,” but what that actually means is super unclear. These are my main issues:
-I don’t work for the hospital (I work for a nonprofit that partners with the center), so the people who are ostensibly my supervisors here don’t really seem to care what I do – they have “real” staff to deal with.
-I can try to answer patients’ questions and make sure their concerns are being heard, but I don’t really have power within the system to effect real change for them.
-Even when it gets really busy, I feel like I’m standing around doing nothing, because unless someone is really upset and just wants someone to talk to (that’s fine! I like doing that! I’m good at that! I wish that was all I had to do), again, there’s not much I CAN do.
I mean, I know having a job where I can sit in my office and post on the Open Thread all afternoon SOUNDS great, but I feel like I’m not earning my keep. Everyone else is so busy, doing so much, and I feel totally useless.
START A SPREADSHEET
Record every patient interaction you have, and what their concerns are. Start building categories (positive / negative; “not enough attention” or “too many different people handling my case” or “just needed someone to talk to”) and when you have a decent set of data, write a report and submit to someone (/ everyone).
Some things to think about:
-What do your supervisors do? What can you do to support them in accomplishing that?
-Why does the hospital/healthcare center contract with your nonprofit? What are the pros for each agency to be in this relationship? How can you become a net-plus/value added to your employer and to their partners?
I think you need to sit down with your supervisor(s) and tell them your concerns. You can frame it as “I saw this patient yesterday, this is what I did, is there something else I should look into for them?” or “I’ve had three patients with [this concern], do you know people I can contact to get this changed?” or “Here’s my current projects/case load, I have some free time, is there another project I can assist with?”
It sometimes takes a few months to get all the pieces in place at a new job, even a job at someplace as busy and vital as a health center. I hope you can find a health OT/real work balance!
Toastfriends I’m flying high today because I got REALLY GOOD feedback on a report I’d written, am feeling on the ball for a few things, and yesterday my chinchilla decided he was a parrot so you get to see the spoils!
Next week sometime I will be taking my beloved XP laptop to the tech vet to say a final farewell, after which I’ll be welcoming a refurbished Chromebook into my life. Any tips to make this transition easier (especially if they mean the ability to use OpenOffice/MS Office rather than Google Drive, which has limited compatibility with my work needs) or more fun on the entertainment front?
I don’t know too much about Chromebooks but it looks like you can use Libreoffice in the browser there?
http://blog.rollapp.com/post/106535001650/libreof…
I like Libreoffice a little better than Open Office.
Right on, thank you! I wanted to check out Libre forever, but my laptop is too sleepy to even try such exotic fare.
If you don’t want to pay for Office365, there’s still free basic editing you can do with your Outlook/Live account.
Excellent, thanks! There’s always someone wanting to send me something with formatting that comes through like one big snarl of unintelligible text, so if I can slide it over there and deal with Track Changes or Suggestions or Let’s Make My Life Harder For No reason, I’m happy.
Hey Toasties! As part of honeymoon planning, I’m considering picking up a GoPro Hero 3+. We’ll be doing some scuba diving and ocean kayaking, and I’d love to get some video/pictures of the experiences, without having to worry about my DSLR getting full of salt water. Do any of you own a GoPro and have any input on whether it’s worth it? My main concern is that I’m not sure how much I’d use it. This will be my second time diving in three years, I ski occasionally, and I’m planning to maybe use it to document some of my running experiences, but I just want to make sure it’s worth the money.
I have a GoPro and I used it to record my wandering around San Diego Comic Con last summer. But I haven’t had the time or energy (or money) to research the video software needed to compile all the images into a stop-motion movie. So for me, it was not a worthwhile purchase. If you’re more technologically inclined, though, and one of those people who enjoys new gadgets, go for it.
If you’re not going to use it much I’d look into renting or borrowing one for your honeymoon. Maybe a Craigslist post would do it, or call local camera shops and ask if they can facilitate it or have ideas?
Seconding @paperbgprincess above, but also check out your library! Mine has apparently begun offering electronics to rent, and if yours doesn’t, they might know of places you can!
UCLA Housing has an online housing bulletin board where he should be able to find someone subletting their room for the summer. I’m not sure how useful Craigslist or Westside Rentals is these days. He can also get a transit pass for $33 for the summer term that will allow him to ride the Santa Monica and Culver City buses (mostly to the west and south of campus) for free with his ID card. There’s also a subsidized transit pass for the Metro system (more to the east and north) but I don’t use that so I’m not sure what it costs these days. Look at UCLA Transportation for that. The vast proportion of student/impoverished UCLA employee rental housing is near the SM and CC lines, but it’s a good idea to cross-reference Google Maps with the bus line maps to be sure–there are some areas that are better served than others. As for food, there are now 5 markets in the general Westwood area (there was a time when there was NOTHING) so he’ll be able to buy his own food pretty easily; there’s also several farmers’ markets in the area, including one in Westwood Village itself (Thursdays), and trust me, more restaurants, from highest high end to the cheapest of the low end, than you can imagine. Budgeting food is going to depend on his tastes. Food on campus is reasonably priced–when I buy my own lunch, it usually runs $4-7, and I tend to get the pricier stuff. Oh, and there’s also Zipcar on campus that has a subsidized membership for UCLA people if he needs to use a car occasionally.
You’re fabulous – this is great info. Thanks tons.
(He can’t use Zipcar cause it turns out they don’t so much love 19 year olds who total cars at 16.) (Walked away without a scratch. This Zipcar thing – plus the insurance deductible – is the biggest repercussion from that accident.)
Are you here?
Are you also in / near Houston?
We’re organizing a Texas Toast meetup – if you’re interested, email mel @ melaniegreene.com and come the later part of this month, you can meet real live Toasties.
Bought a shitton of Joanna Russ on Ebay last night. Eagerly anticipating!
Awesome! Report back! We love her essays/criticism.
SO excited for you!
So my husband pointed me to this interesting piece about a cool, massive, online chess game wherein Kasparov takes on the world, and there is this throw away paragraph about how Irina Krush took on organizing the response for The World, and persisted, and …
I am livid that she got so little recognition for a) wrangling all those intellectual dudes and b) starting this massive decision tree and maintaining it and c) persisting in the face of what had to be flame wars and trolls and all that. To the extent that Kasparov said in retrospect he was playing the group advising Krush, not Krush herself, or Krush’s organization. And there is SO LITTLE out there about her, and if she managed to continue growing up as kick-ass as she started out there, and was happy.
so. That is a thing you should all know about. Because you will share with me the wonder that a 15 year old girl managed to organize the response to Kasparov, and made him deeply unsure about how the game would play out for 40 moves. FORTY. yikes.
Thank you for sharing this!
I’m having trouble following the link (agh, old browser needs updating), but there’s an interesting discussion of Krush and her chess tactics and the way that she rallied and organized the networked decision-making in that match in a chapter in Michael Nielsen’s Reinventing Discovery: The New Era of Networked Science (Princeton: Princeton University Press, 2011). I can’t remember if Nielsen spent much time on Krush in particular and her amazing knack for Getting Shit Done, and, to be honest, Krush is only in one chapter out of about nine, but the entire book is interesting and a lot of fun to read. (I was TA’ing an undergrad class where it was assigned, and it was a crowd favorite, and we had a lively discussion about it, so everyone won. Sometimes the crowd favorites are hard to pull apart in discussion.)
I have to go car shopping soon as my much loved little car is ~90% rust and 10% car. Woe. Any tips for used car salespeople? I hate it so much! Also I keep wanting to buy a cute fast car, when I should buy a PRACTICAL car. PRACTICAAAAL. >:|
What are you thinking of as “practical,” though? Gas mileage? Ground clearance? Ability to transport sheets of plywood? Four/All-wheel-drive? Size (small or large)? Because “cute and fast” and “practical” are DEFINITELY not mutually exclusive.
THIS. There are a ton of cute and practical cars. The Nissan Juke tops my list of adorable, practical, and downright zippy cars that are out right now. I actually took one for a test drive and considered buying it before I decided to throw caution to the wind and went with the Chevelle. Which is still in progress. In the garage. Three years later. *sigh*
I had a Juke as a rental car and was shocked at how much I enjoyed it as a die-hard subaru fan. It’s so nice and easy to see out of, tiny and easy to park, yet totally comfortable with plenty for my 6′-3″ husband! (I do find it terribly ugly, but again- subaru fan. I’m not *that* picky about looks)
gas mileage and emissions – I’m in the UK so fuel is really expensive, and your car tax depends a lot on your emissions (starts at £30 a year and goes up to like £300 if not more). Also I have to park it in a tiny teeny space, so it has to be small, but also have some boot space.
(Basically, my head tells me I need to buy something like a toyota yaris, but I COULD buy a used audi tt and zip around in it and spend far too much money on petrol and tax but oh they’re so very beautiful. SIGH.)
When I was buying my used car the first sales guy I talked to was being super pushy but I had decided I wanted a car there so I didn’t want to go somewhere else. Instead, I went away for a bit, then came back and went up to an older guy who looked maybe less douchey. When he offered to go get the first guy so we could continue, I told him I didn’t want to talk to the first guy because he was too pushy and it made me uncomfortable. The older guy ended up being very not-pushy, and maybe he would have been like that anyway but I think it helped that I made it clear he would lose that sale if he was.
that was my experience. He was desperately trying to sell me a car I didn’t want. But I didn’t want it! But he just kept pushing and pushing, and trying to make me defend not wanting it. So I just left and went away never wanting to go to that place again. I should be more assertive!
You have an advantage. Your car is not yet dead. That means you have time. Go shopping and promise yourself you will leave the instant you are uncomfortable. Just go home and try again next weekend. Eventually you will find a salesperson who will be helpful and respectful.
Also, look for used cars that come with a dealer warranty. “As-is” is code for “will fail next week”. Unless you have a mechanic in your home.
I’ve had some good tarot readings, nothing eerie or ghost-ish though. On one occasion my reader told me I was taking on too much responsibility in my home life, and that I needed to let other people take on more of that burden because ultimately I was stressing myself out and hindering their ability to grow. I lived alone at the time, so this made zero sense to me. BUT I was still on the lease on my ex’s apartment (because I’m a goober and agreed to stay on til he found a roommate). A couple weeks after that reading, my ex and his new roommate failed to pay rent, which resulted in me having to overnight a rent check to the landlord. That reader also told me I was about to cut some personal ties, and boy did I.
This was supposed to be a reply to Ectocool, but oh well.
Any tips for a lady that is (a) in the process of divorce, (b) coming off a very difficult year, but (c) ready to re-enter the dating world? The last time I was single was like 10 years ago (I’m 34) and I’m not sure where to start w/the online stuff. Also, I’ve been pretty depressed the last couple years, and I feel pretty OK with that, if that makes sense… I’m able to laugh at myself, open up w/people, and tell friends how they can best help. I’m the type that likes to disclose things early, but even I realize that putting that on a dating profile is pretty risky, now matter how its presented. I’ve been thinking of starting w/Tinder, just because you don’t have to make a profile and thus I won’t agonize over that for weeks… and I heard its good for people in their mid-30s, especially in urban areas (like I am).
Ugh, now I’m rambling. Basically, I just feel very timid and breakable whereas it seems like online dating requires a really thick skin. Any tips?
Ughh Toast, do you remember my internet drama situation from about a month ago?
Well, friend-of-ex-friend (the one who was urging us to make up) passive-aggressively unfollowed me without warning this week. I’m not surprised, per se, since she began drifting away from me ever since my fight with ex-friend. It still packed a pretty good punch.
Offline, my one close IRL friend is moving away from our city. He had a going-away party last night at which I struggled not to get weepy. We’re going to try to see each other every so often, but it feels like the end of an era in a way. All my good memories from the past two years involve him and now I have no idea who will go to our favorite all-night diner or get drinks with me after work.
The weird thing is that my emotional health is better now than its been in a long while, so my brain has a good baseline to handle all this, but still, it sucks. I just… really need friends the way other people seem to crave relationships (I’m vaguely aromantic) and losing two friends at once, even though I plan to keep in touch with one of them, is really hard.
/sad post
So…. tell me happy friendship stories? What are you doing with your friends? How are y’all loving on each other? I need HOPE for this weird postgrad friendship wasteland.
I’m sorry to hear about all this, that really really sucks :c
“Keeping in touch” is underrated, in my opinion. Sure, nothing beats seeing someone in person, but most of my close friends live far away at this point and all our contact is via text/gchat. And I don’t mind! I miss them terribly, of course, but they don’t feel less real for being far away. I hope the same is true with your RL friend who’s moving. I’ve had a group text going with my 3 best college friends for almost a year now and it’s been my #1 source of support (even if sharing huge news via text can be a little weird…like the night they were talking about something else and I busted in with “I JUST GOT MUGGED WHAT DO I DO”).
As far as friends who are physically closer, it’s tough for sure. I wanted to invite “all my friends” out for celebratory drinks when I got my new job, and I quickly realized that was only 5 people. And there’s a lot of “we should hang out!” “yes!” (several months pass, nothing happens). But I make an effort to have baking dates with one of my friends, and I met a friend through OKC who’s become 80% of my social life, and I no longer feel like I “need” more friends.
Ugh. That’s difficult. I’m sorry you’re feeling adrift.
Besides the Burgomaster, who is one of my three best friends, I have friends T and N who are a wonderful couple that I sort of consider my platonic wives. We are incredibly close, know all the worst aspects of each other (believe me, we have some worst aspects between us), and are completely confident and trusting in the love we have for each other. They’re very busy with their careers and I’m sort of a hermit so we see each other only a few times a year (even though we live in the same city), but when we do, we spend hours just talking and drinking and laughing and then putting on loud music and dancing. We keep meaning to watch some movies (there are some we’ve wanted to watch together for years) but whenever we finally get together, we just talk and talk for hours and then it’s midnight and everybody is too tired to watch a movie.
I did not meet T and N until I was 34. There are friends to be found after school, I promise.
Boo, I’m sorry you’re dealing with all that! In good friend stories, one of my best friends in the world (we met in 3rd grade and will both turn 30 this year) is flying across the entire continent to come visit me IN ALASKA IN THE WINTER in two weeks! And she’s coming JUST TO HANG OUT. It is the very best feeling in the entire world to know that we will cross continents to see each other, and that despite being far away and NOT being great at staying in touch in the day-to-day, or talking on the phone, or anything, once she gets here it will be like we were never apart.
Oh the postgrad moving away friendship wasteland is so sad, but there’s always visiting people and meeting up in different cities. I finished my phd a while ago, and stayed in the same city, but a lot of my year moved away. We write handwritten letters, which is a really nice way to keep in touch!
Join Costco! I’m not kidding, they have a car sales network– for both used and new, although my personal experience is with new– of trusted vendors and give you a HUGE discount without needing to haggle or anything. So it’s like $50 for the membership but you save a few hundred-few thousand dollars… I’m pretty sure you can search their site for vehicles without joining first and see the prices, too. Worth checking out, I think.
@Angelan_ thanks intensedebate!
Career advice, anyone?
So I have two possibilities on the table at the moment. One is an almost-certain thing working for someone I have successfully worked for/with in the past, doing work that seems interesting BUT it is in a city where the idea of moving there makes my skin want to crawl off my body (and where I have lived before and couldn’t get away from fast enough). The other is less definite, although they have made encouraging noises in my direction, and almost certainly less money, but it’s in a place that I love and that is close to family and pets and old friends and sea and mountains and where I have wanted to live for literally years. Option one I have to apply for now if I want it; option two will open up for application in July so I won’t know until much later in the year.
Because of timescales and because one potential employer is an old colleague/friend, I can’t get away with applying for both and keeping the sure thing in reserve as a backup – it would be very tricky and would probably involve at least some lying/dissembling to people who I like and don’t want to mess around.
I have a bit of money saved from my current gig so finances aren’t an immediate pressing anxiety. But it’s also a field where there aren’t exactly millions of jobs out there. Do I just decide to move to the place I want to live in and determine to make it work, somehow? Or do I take a good, solid, sensible offer that will probably be fine, actually, and get over my weird psychological issues with the place that it’s in?
In reading this, my very first reaction was “move to the place you love!” I just feel like where you live plays such a huge role in so many aspects of your life, that it’s a really good thing to be picky about.
Took the words out of my mouth.
I’m just worried that I’m being silly and actually moving back to Place A will probably be fine, and if I pass it up I might just be unemployed FOR EVER and will regret passing up a potentially good thing. But, I’m smart and awesome and something great will turn up regardless, right?? And when it does, I’ll be in a place where I can take my doggies for walks on the mountain 😀
OH MAN DO NOT GIVE UP DOGGY WALKS ON THE MOUNTAIN FOR SOUL CRUSHING CITY!
Well when you put it like that, it all seems like a much simpler choice!
Don’t take the job in the place you hate. A job you like doesn’t mean much when you hate everything else.
Go where you love, life’s too short for anything else.
I feel so proud to have earned a Hiddles gif from you! <3
Hahaha <3 thank you, Queen of Gifs
Go where you love and be willing to take risks to make it work. Being safe and miserable is not as good as being insecure and surrounded by good things, in my opinion. 🙂
Don’t move to the place you hate. I say this as someone who has regularly moved to places that are not my ideal for career reasons and am glad I did and sometimes roll my eyes at people who refuse to do that. If you hadn’t been to the place you hated but just thought you’d probably hate it, my advice might have been different but you know you’ll hate it, and it’ll taint everything about that nice fun job and you’ll hate that too. Don’t do that to yourself.
yall, I’m going on my first solo vacation to New Orleans in a little over a week!
I am airbnb-ing a room in an apartment, hosted by 2 cool-seeming ladies. I am really introverted and can be lazy, but I want to meet people and do stuff while there! any tips on enjoying yourself while traveling alone?
I travel alone pretty frequently, and my number one tip for meeting people/finding folks to talk to is: every restaurant meal, sit at the bar. You won’t stick out as a single person (if that bothers you), and the physical space is conducive to meeting people/making friends. Most restaurants will let you order from the full menu or you can just get an appetizer and a beer if you are on a tighter budget, or just a beer. (Or just an appetizer, I guess, but I’d order the beer.)
Traveling alone is the best! My tips are seriously, do whatever the hell you feel like. If that’s every ghost tour in the city, do it. Trying coffee from every place you come across, go for it. It’s awesome to be in control of your own vacation and time, and to be able to chill and take a nap or stay out forever. Whatever you want to do! I have had very solo solo-travel where I barely talked to anyone, and solo travel where I spent hours here and there with random people I met. Both were good and I have no preference, but it’s nice to know that you can be alone for real, or meet people along the way. My meeting peoples suggestion is any kind of performance – free concert in a park, jazz club, whatever.
Have so much fun!
Yes! I agree 100%. I wax rhapsodic about solo travel all the time.
Map out a few things you want to do, like historic sites or museums or art galleries. Familiarize yourself with transit (or roads/parking, if you’re going to be driving) and whether there are multiple routes to/from where you’re staying. Bookmark the city’s transit site so that you have it on hand (if you’re carrying a smartphone).
I don’t have any tips for meeting people, as the last few trips I have been travelling/sightseeing alone but have had (internet) friends to meet up with. Maybe there are some Toasties there who would have lunch with you one day?
But more than anything, ENJOY IT.
Ottawa Toasts! We will meet on March 21. I was thinking The Scone Witch around 2pm? I have never been there but it is very highly rated, definitely open, and has scone sandwiches, which sounds good. I am open to suggestion on all this, but I chose 2pm because it is after lunch and many things close at 4 downtown on Saturdays. I might bring a Man, who is one of those weird 30% readers, but you may feel free to bring best friends / significant others, yes? You may also feel free to disengage from your partners and be free like the winter winds.
Perfect all way around!
Wait, hang on, which one? (witch one?) I went to one ages ago at Albert and….Bay? Lyon? but a) I’m not sure it’s there any more and b) the internet tells me it’s on Elgin but there may be one elsewhere too?
Augh yes I even copy’d the address and forgot to pasta! I was thinking the one at 150 Elgin St, because downtown is easier than most things for most people, I assume.
I liked your response strictly because you forgot to pasta, which is a wonderful typo 🙂
Yes! Easy walking distance, for me 🙂
I have a new, never before discovered need to move to Ottawa. The SCONE WITCH???? Is it the most perfect place in all existence? It sounds like it must be. Have fun, toasts!
Fitting for us toast witches. Bread and potentially supernatural misandry in one location?? Perf.
…I’ll admit right upfront that I have no real advice since I can barely find the queer ladies in my new town to be friends with (I moved here with a girlfriend). HOWEVER. I am a lesbian (so I’m not getting the scene-y biphobia that’s probably yelling “YOU AREN’T GAY ENOUGH” at you, which no one should be getting) and also interested in whatever clothes are comfortable (and while that includes a lot of flannel, it’s not really the “gay” flannel, ya know?), and found a girlfriend who is also not solidly butch/femme/etc. I met her at a women’s college, which means I’m really useless at dating advice, but I just wanted to root for another uncategorized lady-enjoyer. 🙂 I hope you and the best eligible person for you cross paths soon! Also: just because you aren’t scene-y doesn’t make you boring! (or if it does, that makes two of us. 😉 )
eta: (in response to LacaunaKale…)
In Canada – too many B.Ed. graduates, too little funding, not enough incentives for teachers to retire (even if they do, many move to the substitute list immediately). We even live in a less popular/overpopulated B.Ed. province and many school boards won’t even accept applications for the sub list unless you speak french or have extra certifications (certifications they don’t allow you to get if you don’t have two years of full-time teaching experience already).
These articles give an idea of it: http://blogs.windsorstar.com/news/young-teachers-… http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/new-canadian-teache…
After some major cupping (to suck the knots out, not to be new agey) and acupuncture in my head (since my lower back where she normally stabs me was too unhappy to stab), my physio made me feel like Doug Bradley having had a passionate fling with the Hogwarts giant squid.
Ooo. I’ve always wondered about cupping! I like super deep tissue massage. Regular massage leaves me cold. I need to really feel it. How does cupping compare? Can you even make a comparison?
I’ve not had massages by anyone who wasn’t actively trying to fix an injury so I’m not sure! You certainly feel like a great handful of your back is being sucked up into a vacuum nozzle though. It’s not *quite* painful but I found it fairly uncomfortable, but my upper back was apparently as locked up as fuck and I think anything that is fixing a muscle problem is going to have some pain with it. She uses it to get the knots out of the top layers of muscle so she can get to the deeper bits without having to bash at you for hours on end.
That sounds amazing. I might look into that next time I have a muscular issue that I can’t resolve with self-myofascial release stuff. Thank you!
that is a good tattoo though
Thankyou!
I can ask for no more of today than that photo series.
I joined a trivia team this week and I am so excited about it that it’s mildly obscene. (The team names–there are typically two teams because the group is too big for one–are Parmesean Connery and Pepperjack Nicholson. It’s movie trivia. Again, mildly obscenely excited.)
ALSO
Hannibal Season 2 is streaming on Amazon, and that is a show I enjoy a lot because it is eerie and spooky.
But it is pretty ludicrous that, at this point in the show, there’s anyone who doesn’t think that Hannibal Lecter is obviously a pyschopath. I mean.. LOOK AT HIM. He never expresses any emotion except Perverse Glee When He Encouters a Serial Killer! He lives in a gothic castle where NOTHING IS EVER OUT OF PLACE. He owns 100-identically cut suits! He has no friends except for a therapist who suddenly resigned under extremely mysterious circumstances!
Come on, guys. Not one of you would be surpirsed to discover that he is making lung-sausage in his fabulously-appointed kitchen full of weird organ meats.
PLUS IT FUCKING RHYMES, OKAY, HIS NAME IS HANNIBAL, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER FBI
(Hannibal is my favorite show but MAN are the other characters stupid)
My favorite part was definitely when Dr. Chilton was telling Crawford about his suspicions and Crawford was all, “You don’t really think Hannibal is a serial killer do you?” and Chilton said, “He once served me tongue, and then made a joke about eating mine, soooo….”
BREAKING NEWS WE HAVE AN AIRDATE FOR SEASON 3 I MAY OR MAY NOT BE CRYING WITH EXCITEMENT IN MY OFFICE
That is very good news.
Hooray finally! I mean, I watch most of that show though my fingers, but I do love it so.
I love that show, and just take it on the mindset that it is have nightmare-reality anyway. Since Hannibal is basically the devil himself it gives him a lot of leeway for being so blatantly obviously the killer 🙂
Well I know that, I am not trying to give the show a hard time. But it is kind of funny to see Hannibal as the-most-obviously-a-psychopath-character-in-creation tooling around and the FBI guys acting all, “What? A serial killer? Hannibal? Don’t be ridiculous!”
Oh for sure, an unfortunate side effect of the plot or whatever is that all the FBI has to look like idiots. I stiiiillll might try Hannibal’s cooking (it looks amazing ok??)
Honestly, that show makes me super-hungry. I was watching the first season on my kindle while I was making Jambalaya one day (supermarket had fresh okra AND andouille, so I took advantage of the opportunity) and even though I know that Hannibal was making the sausage out of lungs…I definitely did not lose my appetite.
I’m not terribly fond of deviled eggs, but if eating hot/spicy things will encourage spring to come? Then I’m hitting the nearest Indian restaurant posthaste. BRING ON THE VINDALOO!
In other news, it’s been kind of a sad week for me. Anyone got comfort-viewing TV/movie recommendations?
If you’re looking for something new, Jane the Virgin is great feel-good tv! For comfort-viewing I tend to rewatch things – I don’t know if Veronica Mars is intrinsically comforting, but I watched it in high school and the show plus the familiarity really works for me.
I love Bob’s Burgers for when I’m feeling kind of down. It’s just so positive and not at all mean-spirited.
UK TOASTIES?????
Is anyone near Peterborough/near enough to Peterborough to look at a house for me?
The letting agency really wants someone to look at it before they’ll let me apply, but I’m stuck in California until a bunch of documents are sorted! If this is a possibility for anyone, shoot me an email– bmorganjoy @ gmail– and we can talk details.
I’m not really sure what else to do here; the USAF has been less than helpful at every turn and my partner’s sponsor isn’t answering emails. It’s not totally dire, the military will put us up in the temporary housing at Alconbury for a while, but having a place lined up would go a long way toward soothing my anxious little heart. (Not as much as knowing when and how I will get myself and my cats actually over there, but it’s a start!)
Has anyone else just finished watching Granchester and needs to talk about all the feelings the sexy vicar gave you? Because that’s where I am right now.
… Does this involve Rupert Brooke?
no it involves this guy
… I am not sure you actually answered my question in the negative.
“Ah God! to see the branches stir
Across the moon at Grantchester!
To smell the thrilling-sweet and rotten
Unforgettable, unforgotten
River-smell, and hear the breeze
Sobbing in the little trees.”
I hope this is on Netflix or something because I think I must watch it simply based on the name. 🙂
I mean, Grantchester is the name of a town. This show is based on a book series also set in Grantchester. But there’s no relation to the poem as far as I know.
It’s not on Netflix yet but PBS is airing it.
I will look for it!
I was being a little tongue in cheek because it is almost certainly set in the same town; Brooke wrote the poem in Berlin during 1912 (I think) while being nostalgic and mopey about how much he missed living in the Old Vicarage in Grantchester. I am sure the books/show are not directly related, I am just amused by it since we dreamed about the poem last night. 🙂
I just heard of Grantchester for the first time last night and I could tell just from the name it was something I would enjoy. Now you inform me there’s a sexy vicar, so I know Grantchester is actually something I NEED.
An extremely sexy vicar. The sexiest vicar of my [television] acquaintance. And a chocolate lab puppy, too.
he is the yummiest!!
Haven’t watched yet, but my dad said it is the best TV show he’s seen in a while so I will be soon.
Toast friends, can I ask for some advice?
I’m recently engaged (like, last two months), and still a long way from the wedding because we live three hours away from each other (gahhhhh academic/legal careers), and I am kind of having the jitters? We are really well suited in loads of ways, I didn’t hesitate at all before getting engaged and I’ve always though this was the person for me, but I’m now kind of having a wobble. I guess what I would really like it reassurance that even in marriages/relationships that really work and are happy, sometimes people have moments of “what the fuck am I doing should I really be marrying this person?”, which don’t seem to be based on any actual problems.
HELP ME
I can’t imagine making any big life decision that didn’t involve those moments. I realized recently though that the “you should break up!’ voice in my head is the same voice that says “jump on the tracks!” when I’m waiting for a train or “smash all the wine bottles!” when I’m at the grocery store. As long as it’s THAT voice and not one of the more reasonable ones, it’s all good.
Wait, I’m not the only person with that voice. THANK GOD.
I am very much plagued by that voice, particularly in high places, so thank you thank you, that made complete sense.
You wouldn’t think that someone talking about the “jump on the tracks!” voice would make me grin but it is so relieving to hear that other people have that too.
There really ought to be a word for that voice!
Intrusive thoughts! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intrusive_thought
My bff is a psychology person and casually mentioned this once and I was SO RELIEVED to learn that it’s a thing.
[dives into wikipedia hole]
Intrusive thoughts are the worst, and the main reason I spend so much time thinking I’m either an awful person or secretly very dangerous. It definitely helps to hear others have such dramatic thoughts, too.
“Secretly very dangerous” Hello, me! My therapist has spent hours and hours trying to help me understand that no, I am not losing my mind and I am not schizophrenic or anything like that, these thoughts are entirely normal. I was very relieved when I saw that they are associated with OCD, even though I don’t think I have that necessarily, it was just great to see it normalized and attached to a disorder that I don’t think of as terrifying. It is the hardest thing to confront, I think, because what if you tell someone “I am having weird thoughts about murdering people I love and they are horrifying and NOT things I would do but WTF” and they freak out and try and have you committed? But when I got the courage to tell people they universally responded “oh, that’s entirely normal I think it happens to everyone” it was SUCH A RELIEF.
Alright. This has convinced me to address this issue with my therapist soon.
That makes me really happy! I was hesitant to post it because ‘omg what if the toast thinks I’m a psycho now’, but if I had ever heard anyone else talk openly about it before I talked to my therapist about it, it would save saved me a lot of shame and anxiety.
In Freudian terms isn’t it the death drive? The part of you that wants to set fire to things and create mayhem.
I think it’s related to the inappropriately-sensual voice in your head. Like when you have a voice in your head that wants you to lick things (not necessarily people – just things) in public. Or maybe that’s just me…
I fucking hate that voice and damn, thank you for this reminder that that voice isn’t necessarily ME.
Yes.
This sounds kind of cliched, but I think if you never ever have any wobbles, you are not actually engaged in the reality of the situation, which is that bringing two individual rich human lives together is a messy experience and it is sometimes going to be a lot of work. Happy marriages that really work are *still* effort and there are times when things suck, that is just life, and it is NORMAL to have that in mind and wonder if it is worth it and the decision is a good one and stuff. It is not an omen! It is not a sign that you are doing the wrong thing!
Oh my goodness thank you so much.
It is scary! I am the first of my friends to get engaged or even seriously attached (because I am mostly friends with other lawyers/law students/way loads career-oriented people), and they are so good and kind and supportive but are also upfront about having no clue what things mean in this context. We’re all kind of fumbling in the dark (which I guess is how your twenties work, and being the test case for my social circle is UPHILL)
It’s always OK to remind yourself that you don’t have to. Up to the actual day even. So you can relax and decide later.
That was put so well!
For the last year of our engagement, the spouse and I were living in different places because the recession hit us kinda hard. When my day to day life didn’t involve sharing space with him, a future where I had to share space with him forever seemed… expensive. Like accommodating another person was a very high price to pay. Also our love language is snuggling, and not snuggling every day meant that we were often working from the memory that we really liked and depended on each other instead of receiving constant affirmation. It was like completing an obstacle course blindfolded: I knew what the course looked like, but I didn’t have up-to-the-minute data on where I was and whether I was making good decisions. It was scary.
We got married and we live in the same place now and we’re very happy, but those feelings are real feelings telling you you’re navigating strange waters without a map. It’s difficult, and if you go slowly, you might see reefs before you go aground, and going aground might be less disastrous. The wobble doesn’t mean that your relationship is not going well, it means you’re in a complicated place and you need to be cautious.
(And here by “be cautious” and “go slowly”, I mean “be cautious comparing your current feelings to your previous feelings” and “go slowly about panicking about the future and also getting angry”. Important clarifications.)
Put some real facts against those feelings.
Have you experienced a good fight with this person? By good, I mean the kind of fight that gets you both angry and demonstrates how each of you deals with being wrong, being wronged, and reconciliation.
Have you observed how this person treats their parents, siblings, pets, and restaurant servers?
How well do you communicate with each other when there is a misunderstanding?
How does this person make you a better person?
When a compromise is called for, which of you has taken the lead? Which has capitulated? Which has stood firm?
If you’ve checked off all these issues, your feelings will likely settle down.
Everyone above is so wonderfully correct, I have nothing more to add but to confirm that the wobbles are normal!
I love my husband and am very very glad to be married to him, even seven years in, but we both absolutely have moments where we wonder whether or not we should have gotten married. And then we resolve whatever issue was an issue and go back to merry marriage.
To me, the challenge comes with being tied to another human being, when I’m most comfortable being a little free bird that can make spur of the moment decisions without consulting anyone. That independence is a heady drug!
Oh yes – I knew within the first two months that I wanted to marry the Mister, but the day he proposed? Said yes, happy happy spread teh news, etc, then spent the afternoon in a weird “what am I doing?!” funk, freaking out quietly. (He was wonderful and saw what was going on in my head right away and gave me space till I was ok. I chose wisely.)
What helps for me is fooling around the same way I did when I was little: reading, cooking, taking silly magazine quizzes, hanging out in a blanket cocoon. Little things that take some attention, but not a lot of effort, you dig? One of my absolute favorite things is stress-baking bread, because I get to transfer my frustrations onto the kneading and then I’ve made something. That little spurt of productivity keeps me from feeling like I’ve completely wasted the time, and if it’s whole-wheat then it’s healthy. ETA this was for yeah_elle’s self-care question.
Get decent shoes! Go to a running store and try on a million pairs and maybe have an employee watch you run on a treadmill to help find the right shoes for your gait. I started training for a half with a terrible, old, cheap pair, and was having all kinds of foot & knee pain, and when I finally upgraded, it was life-changing. I literally thought someone had replaced the sidewalk to make it more springy.
YES. ALL OF THIS.
Today has been A DAY! Why couldn’t everyone else cooperate with this being Friday?
Anywho, props to the toastie who mentioned The Lion in Winter the other day. It made my snow day all the more glorious.
You guys are cool.
I started a half-marathon training plan this week. I’m not registered for a race, but I like the structure of training plans and I’ve been using them to increase my mileage– I did a 10K training plan until December, then got caught in a 3-4 miles-twice-a-week rut (I blame winter), so it’s time for something new!
I’m using the Greatist plan and it’s going well so far. I did my first long run (6 miles) on the treadmill today since I’m going out of town this weekend. I went at a manageable pace, but it was SUCH a mental challenge to run on that thing for almost an hour! Can’t wait to get outside on a regular basis again. I’ll run outside if it’s 20 degrees or warmer and not icy, and that has been depressingly few days this winter.
(this is for FreeRangeMenses’s running thread on page 1)
I know it’s just a site glitch, but I’m always charmed by the strongly worded imperative comments that pop up out of context.
Good. You should be!
Aw dang, it posted in the right place. Oh well.
VONA Voices summer workshops (June/July, Miami) registration deadline is 3/15! If you’re a writer of color interested in travel writing, popular fiction, playwriting, the LGBTQ narrative, or spec/sci-fi, there’s a workshop just for you. Register now at http://www.voicesatvona.org/apply/
friends! i am moving to boulder for the summer and am thrilled // nervous // know very little about boulder! what ought i to do, who should i hang out with, etc. tell me your secrets!
I’m from there! It’s so great in the summer except when it’s on fire! As to what to do…there’s a great craft beer scene starting to happen there (my former band teacher runs this brewery), and since it’s a college town there’s a good number of music/performance venues. Also you should drive up to Nederland, which is about 45 minutes away and delightfully weird. And I very strongly recommend going to one of the big rivers (a ways away, unfortunately) and going rafting or tubing or something (But! If you’re not used to the high altitude, keep in mind that you can get sunburned in about thirty seconds out there).
ooh! thank you, i am excited to compile a list of things. i’m debating whether i should drive out from the bay area or fly– is it useful // worth it to have a car, or can one make do with public transport? biking is not my jam, no matter how much i wish i could look hip and athletic!
Hi Toast! I am late to the thread this week, but I had to jump in anyway because I am 30 today! I’m actually fairly pleased about it – I’m the youngest at my job and tired of feeling like the baby (which is probably all in my head).
I am much less pleased about the injury I have somehow done to my back/shoulder. I can’t lean my head back, turn my torso, or sleep on either side (or turn from one side to the other) without weird shooting pain from somewhere between my left shoulderblade and spine up through my neck. It’s been three days and it’s not getting better; in fact it might be worse. What do I do?? I have health insurance but have never gone to my arbitrarily assigned PCP because I am usually stupidly healthy and/or heal on my own. Is this part of getting older? I don’t think I approve.
I’ve been suffering with something similar and found a simple stretch that seemed to help a bit. Dangle your left arm at your side, palm facing front. Stand up straight. While trying to relax your shoulder (as much as you can) push your palm back, keeping your arm straight. Hold for a few seconds. Repeat.
Last time I was in the States, I realized you can’t just buy Robaxin (we call it Robaxacet) off the shelf, but it really helps relax whatever’s going on in your muscles.
Another thing is take a hard ball like a road hockey ball or lacrosse ball. Place it between your back and a firm surface like a wall or office chair. Move around so the ball massages along your shoulder blade.
Good luck. And see a doctor if some of these fixes don’t help.
I just tried the stretch and I don’t think it quite gets to the injury location – the root of the pain seems to be a bit higher than the stretch I can feel. But I will keep trying it, thank you for that! I will also try the ball, once I’m able to acquire one. The idea feels like it would help, if that makes any sense.
Not all pain is created equal. Shooting pain is more serious than some other kinds. “Shooting pain” and “spine” in the same sentence trips my alarm bells. Please see a doctor. Don’t mess around with spinal pain.
Yes, of course you’re probably right. I don’t know if “shooting” is the right word, because I’ve (luckily) never had a serious injury aside from some broken bones as a kid. I just know that it’s nothing like other strains/sprains/etc I’ve gotten from soccer or weightlifting, so it’s weirding me out a bit. Maybe this is what will make me figure out my health insurance. Thank you!
Happy birthday!!!!!
So sorry to hear about your back/shoulder, though.
General aches and pains are a part of getting older, but they don’t have to slow you down too much. Even though there’s a sizable anti-chiropractor contingent here, I’d recommend seeing one of them before a general practitioner doctor. Just be sure to get good recommendations from people. Going to a bad chiropractor can be a horrible experience.
I actually would like to go to a chiropractor, but I think I have to get a referral from my PCP in order for my insurance to cover it. The real answer is probably that I need to suck it up and figure out my health insurance, then go to doctor/chiropractor as desired.
Thanks for the birthday exclamation points! And I feel oddly special to be a recipient of one of your gif replies. 🙂
Do check into the details of your insurance. I used to have to get referrals for that sort of thing, but I don’t anymore. So you might be off the hook. Call your HR folks to figure things out! Sometimes they can be surprisingly helpful and not crotchety. Sometimes.
Happy Thirty!
Can you get a chiropractor, perhaps? Sounds pinched-nerve-ish.
Happy birthday!!!! Hope you’re doing something fun. 🙂
happy birthday!
Happy Birthday!
My suggestion for your shoulder would be to try out Myofascial Release Therapy. It’s a soft-touch massage technique that helps soften the fascia around knotted or overly tight muscles so they can safely release and relax. My therapist has been working a goddamn miracle on my hip flexors and neck pain as of late. I couldn’t recommend it more highly!
I aggravated an old rotator cuff injury by hula hooping too enthusiastically after taking a class last Saturday. For the last 3 days, I’ve been not moving much and taking a lot of muscle relaxants. Feeling pretty cool right now.
I’m sorry you are injured. But I am impressed with how you came by it. Hula hooping enthusiastically has to be one of the coolest reasons for hurting yourself.
Agree, if you are going to be in pain, “hoola hooping too enthusiastically” is the second most acceptable reason for it, just slightly behind “bench-pressed an adult man.”
It is literally impossible to be miserable while hooping.
Sorry about the injury, but mmmmmmmmm that chill feeling sure is nice. Hope you feel better without the drugs soon!
The Iditarod is starting SOOOOOON and because winter was weird this year it is starting IN MY TOWN and that makes it even more exciting! One of my favorite parts is the “Meet the Mushers” portraits (even though the are overwhelmingly white) because
a) there are so many badass women in this race
b) mushers are generally ridiculous
c) as a prime example of b, our hometown hero Lance Mackey (purple shirt in the photos)
I will be cheering for Ally Zirkle, but will also secretly be rooting for #16 and his ridiculously attractive eyes. Any other Iditarod followers among the toast-ren? http://www.adn.com/slideshow/photos-meet-mushers-…
Lance Mackey
Norwegian eyes:
Iditarod! I’m hopefully going to see the ceremonial start, but I’m jealous of you. The usual restart is about 20 minutes from where I live and I was really looking forward to it 🙁
I’m not hugely up on who’s racing, but that ADN feature gave me a serious crush on the Berington sisters. I mostly just want to see all the doggies!
Yay AK toasties! I love love love the neon pink dog booties.
I’m so impressed that they wear booties like its nothing. When I tried to put booties on my dog he freaked out. Thankfully he mostly just runs around on trails, and isn’t required to run 400 miles on the tundra.
Also, yay AK toasties! I think I’ve seen your alaska comments before? I wonder if there are others of us out there…
I’m a lurker, but I’m out here too.
I usually live in your town, but this year I’m abroad, in a town where there isn’t even any snow. I was waxing lyrical about skiing on the river just today. Very sad to be missing the Iditarod.
This is late the day/thread but maybe someone will see – Toasties who are on/have been on anti-depressants, talk to me. My therapist suggested that I think about considering it, and I surprised myself by reacting not very happily. I’m very pro mental health care and meds and talking and everything you need to feel good and happy. I guess I’ve been thinking that my depression isn’t “that bad” and doesn’t warrant meds, but I guess I also might be wrong. (I’m also really nervous about side effects and the slog of trying one, adjusting dosages, trying another one – it seems so arduous.) But I also really really want to feel better again, and if there is a magical pill that can make that happen…
I spent many years avoiding anti-depressants because I thought my depression “wasn’t that bad,” and now I look back on that time and think about how sad I was all the time, and I couldn’t even tell how bad it was because it had become normal to me. I don’t know your life and I can’t say if you’ll feel the same way, but depression lies to you all the time, and sometimes you can’t recognize the extent of it until you get away. Kind of like breaking up with a shitty lying boyfriend that way.
I think you’re right to think very carefully about whether you want to take them or not. It depends very much on your circumstances. Generally speaking, I do recommend them since they have definitely helped me in the past and frankly, I’m not sure I’d now be alive to tell you that, if I hadn’t taken them. It really does help — though for me, it took a few months to take effect. However, I also think that health professionals are often too quick to try to put people on them who don’t really need it, as a sort of ‘insurance’.
I have been on anti-depressants on and off for quite a long time now. I am still on them but barely — I still take it now and then though I am not really depressed anymore, because I don’t feel strong enough at the moment to go through the possible withdrawal. Some years ago I stopped taking them during my Masters, which I regret since it was a very stressful year and I struggled to cope. However, this may have been simply stress-induced depressive episode, rather than a withdrawal-induced one. But this does tell you that it’s not necessarily going to be easy to come off them again. Some people have no trouble at all, while others struggle a great deal.
At the end of the day, it depends on how you are. If you have suicidal thoughts, then by god, please do take them. If, despite your depression, you do think that it’s something that you can work through with the aid of therapy, then maybe think about it for a bit longer. Talk about your worries about taking them with your therapist and with anyone else whose opinion you trust. Good luck and I really hope you start feeling better soon. xx
i’d say that if you’re considering it, it’s best to start while you’re feeling “not too bad” rather than doing what i did and waiting until you have an EPIC meltdown.
i just started my meds on monday so i don’t have much advice on side effects or long term use but i can offer solidarity and interweb hugs. take care of yourself. it’s totally worth it.
If it’s preventing you from living how you want, it’s “that bad” (is something I’ve had to forcefully repeat to myself when reluctant to address the issue because clearly there are people worse off than me, right?).
Anecdotally, my medication worked fine from the get-go (I mean, it took a month or two to kick in, but the dose was right for me, and there weren’t any really noticeable side effects except that I briefly had a lower tolerance for alcohol). You already know that’s not the guaranteed result, but it is at least a little bit possible.
It doesn’t have to be a slog. I mean, it’s best to be *prepared* for it to be a slog, but I know more people who start one and find it works just great for them than I do the ones who went though the slog – the slog is just a more memorable / dramatic story.
I was on the “not that bad” boat, and when I finally went for it, was a little hard on myself for how long I’d put it off. Yes, side effects were – ugh. Weight gain, low libido. But everyone reacts differently, and my overall mental / emotional health was so improved that once I got past a week or so of mild adjustment stomach issues, it was an obvious boon.
One thing: my dr. cautioned me I’d be on them for a year before stopping (if appropriate) because it’s too screwy to the body to wean sooner. I thought she was wrong. She wasn’t. I ended up going back on and weaning according to her schedule, which worked beautifully. Hubris sucks.
I’ve told variants on this in other open threads, but I was very anti-meds for a long time, despite being very well informed about the physiological basis of lots of mental health issues (other people have issues with brain chemistry, I’m just lazy). I also didn’t go on meds for a long time precisely because my depression/anxiety was never “that bad”. However, all that being said, I started on a pretty low dose SSRI a couple months ago and it’s been extraordinarily nice. Everything is slightly easier and less of a slog and days are just brighter. It’s really been a large quality of life difference for me, even though nothing was awful to start with.
It can be a huge hassle to find the right medication for you, but some people also luck out and find the right med immediately, or they never suffer any serious side effects. For me, I have a weird brain because I also have ADHD, and apparently that makes SSRIs work a little differently. So I struggled to find the right medication for a while, but it was really worth it. I don’t think I really understood how bad things were before until I had been on my medication for a few months and I started to develop a new sense of normal.
The tough part is that most medications, even the ones that work for you, will have a short period of adjustment at first. For example, I take Zoloft and it’s been great for me, but for the first 2-3 weeks I was taking it I felt CONSTANTLY dizzy and nauseated and tired. It was really awful. I seriously considered stopping it, because I knew that if it kept up I definitely wouldn’t feel like it was worth it. But it did eventually go away and I don’t have any negative side effects now.
Basically I think it is TOTALLY worth a try and you can always decide later that you don’t like being medicated, but I highly recommend giving it a shot if you are feeling not-great emotionally and have been for a while. But you’re not wrong if you decide against it altogether – everyone is different.
I have had good experiences with them. One I found better than another – your dr can help you figure out what might suit. You deserve to live without depression.
Even if the only ones to read this are the Toast staff, it’s worth sharing this thread from TrollXChromosomes (a female-oriented part of Reddit) to see a Toast link inspiring love: http://www.reddit.com/r/TrollXChromosomes/comment…
(I really should learn how the markup works around here.) If you can’t be bothered, here’s the conversation:
-Shaysdays: Drooling over Jason Momoa’s Aquaman look in my ratty sweatpants and realizing there’s just no chance…
-StovardBule: Instead of moping, build a fantasy of what it would be like If Chris Evans Was Your Boyfriend.
-Shaysdays: (I’m actually happily married and all, the ‘no chance’ is for more than sweatpants. When my husband gets home I’m going to figure out what snogging is and do it TO HIS FACE, because that’s pretty much what he is like, thank you for the reminder.)
-OptimalCynic (several hours later): Did you figure out snogging?
-Shaysdays: Among other things.
Bit late so I might try again next week but does anyone have any productivity tips?
I’m having huge amounts of trouble getting work done. My current situation is this. After doing a PhD I am back living with my parents so that I can dig myself out of my overdraft and immediate debts, and hopefully save up enough to do a French language course. Anyway, so I have this job that I do at home (there is no office I can go into). It has no set hours and I just charge for the hours I work. It’s incredibly dull, mostly involving looking at invoices and making a database. It has no social value whatsoever.
I realise what I’m about to say is a really privileged “problem” and I’m really not asking for sympathy! In fact I’m sorry and ashamed that I’m being so useless when other people would love to have the luxury of my so-called problem. But for me, it is nevertheless, something I’m worried about and if you’re feeling patient, then I would appreciate your advice.
So I’m struggling to make myself do a normal day’s work. There is no boss breathing down my neck, there is no set deadline (though I should really get most of it done by the Summer…) and although I really need to pay off the debts if I’m going to move forward with my life (for one thing I will need another rent deposit), luckily since I’m at home, there is no immediate survival need. It’s also really easy to distract myself with stuff that’s ‘worthwhile’: my part-time volunteer work which I also mostly do from home, and academic career efforts like working on research proposals and looking for jobs. Since they’re stuff that do need doing, it’s really easy to convince myself it’s okay to procrastinate endlessly with this.
Is there no where you can go at all to do it? My strategy in this scenario would probably be to find a way to (as best as I could, considering the internet is a thing) to take only that work to a library, or coffee shop, for a set time every day, or every other day or whatever. That way it would be more like “going into work.”
Yeah, that would be good…Unfortunately the local library is tiny with very little desk space and as soon as it’s past 3pm, full of kids so it’s not a good place to work. My university library would be good but I live in the suburbs and it’s an hour away (walk, train, tube). Again cos it’s an incredibly dull suburb, there isn’t a cafe full of people working on their macbooks like there is in pretty much any area of London, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable staying in any of the (horrible) cafes for longer than a couple of hours. I think though you’re right, it’s probably worth thinking about going to my university library. The distance might actually be a plus because it means I’m less likely to just get bored and come back.
Another suggestion, which is how I stick to my work at home/freelance schedule is: Set your own deadlines. You know it needs to be done by summer-ish. Figure out how much needs to be done each week to get done by summer. Write down actual goals of how many invoices (or whatever) need to be done each week–writing it down makes it more real, and more of ‘oh, yeah, I *really* do need to work on that.
I like to set hours in the day too. I don’t do 8 hour blocks, but like others have mentioned, set a hour or a few hours. I like to set ‘ok, from 1-4 (or whatever) is worktime.’ Nothing else. Depending on the project, I have to set more work hours or less (and since I work a regular job too, those hours are in the evening and on Saturday.) I give myself Sunday as ‘not work day’ or I’d wind up working all the time. Sometimes I swap Sat. & Sun. if there’s something I really want to do, etc. So you work out the times that work best for you, but it really helps to set up a schedule for yourself.
For me, it doesn’t matter if it’s at home or a cafe or a library, so I don’t fuss about that, though I have been known to go to the park and work when the weather is good, ha! You can do it! I am the laziest person in the world and I get my freelance stuff done. 🙂
Thanks! Your suggestion of creating an x amount deadline for yourself is a great idea.
When I was looking for a job it was -so easy- to not actually accomplish anything, so I made a rule that every week I had to send out at least 1 job application. I meant I had to make some effort, but it wasn’t a suffocating goal I would never reach, either. It gave me time to say “No, tonight is a Netflix night” but once I put in the effort to do -just one thing-, it often snowballed and the next thing you know I had send out 4 applications and set up 2 informational interviews. Can you do something similar? Set a reasonably attainable goal and see where it takes you – hopefully you’ll end up accomplishing more because “hey, I’m at my desk, why not keep going” but also won’t beat you over the head with negative self-talk if that’s all you can manage one day/week.
Thank you very much! That’s a good idea. Perhaps if I set my goals a bit lower than doing a proper 8/9 hour shift at home, then I won’t fail so spectacularly and get more done!
My therapist often recommends I pick out something I enjoy and I’m not allowed to do that until I’ve accomplished X. I went through a phase when I would play Freecell for HOURS, so I wasn’t allowed to play Freecell until I had written X number of pages of my paper, or something like that.
But seriously, an 8 or 9 hour shift with no deadlines/boss watching you? Who has that kind of willpower? Not me! I would shoot for an hour, and see how that goes. Maybe an hour of work, then an episode of some show you want to watch, then another hour of work and so on. If you really really want to binge watch 3 episodes back-to-back, you might be able to get yourself to do 3 solid hours of work first.
Thanks! I feel so useless for not having enough willpower to do a full day’s work and your comments make me feel a lot better!
I have good luck with a technique that I’m sure is from a book – I use a timer and do 20/25 minutes of work, then take a 5 minute break. I also play a gentle mind game with myself, telling my brain that I can surely focus on something for 20 minutes. And I did start w/ 20 minutes and worked up to 25…it’s so strange how that last five minutes seems like an eternity!
I’m finishing my thesis, looking for jobs, and working part time from home, and what has tremendously helped me lately are productivity apps. Not everyone is a productivity app person! I use Todoist and am currently subscribed to receive emails that say “you have 7 tasks due today” every morning, once on gmail and once on my phone. So when I wake up the app is chirping at me on my phone right away, so I have to acknowledge that there are things I should do today, and then when I get up and turn on my computer there’s another damn reminder that I have to do things. You can categorize tasks by project and set due dates for yourself and it is free. It has honestly changed everything about how much I’m getting done. If you’ve done a PhD then you’re probably a deadline person! Checking things off and watching the list go away is a really good way to feel better about the small things you are getting done that you’re not giving yourself credit for, too, and the confidence boost can change a lot.
Ooh yeah if I combine those apps with newglasses’ suggestion that I make my own deadlines of how much I have to get done by a certain time, that should help! Thank you!
One of my favourite webcomics, Girls With Slingshots, ends in a week, and I am really sad about it. I also discovered that the jeans I bought yesterday (after my previous jeans developed holes and I spent weeks making do with one pair of too-tight black jeans and skirts with tights that fell down) have fake pockets rather than real, sewn-shut pockets as I had thought. I am also overly hurt about things my boyfriend said to me yesterday, leading to me saying that I just want to feel like I can rely on him to be kind (which is he is!). I have been crying on and off all day and have failed to do any university work. It is not good.
OMG are they DSTLD jeans? That happened to me and I was SO MAD at first, but I’m lazy and kept them, and now I’m kind of used to it.
Also, I’m sorry your boyfriend was unkind and that you feel bad and that I am superficial.
As I do not know what DSTLD jeans are, probably not! They are from Next.
Fair enough! I was talking about these: https://www.dstldjeans.com/products/high-waisted-…. I thought they were the perfect jean, and then they showed up pocket-less.
truly, i think fake-pockets are a clear sign of the patriarchy. fuck that madness.
It really is. I loathe it. It’s bad enough that men’s pockets are so much bigger; not having them at all is even more infuriating.
I almost forgot to share this but last week I got to see Maria Bamford perform in Santa Barbara and she was just absolutely fantastic! I found out about her from the Toast article about her last year, so I thought it would be fitting to share here. I even got to meet her after the show! There was a big line of people waiting but she was so nice and talked to everyone.
All hail the Bammer! She’s amazing.
Update on the poop house and the neighbor dog!
After witnessing major animal neglect, I managed to see my neighbor in person and gave him a forceful/friendly invitation to text me and I would help him walk his dog while he is out. Nothing! So I waited two weeks and then I called Animal Control. Two days after, he stopped me on my way home from work and said “you did the right thing, I am very sorry, I was being very bad, and I will text you”. So… it’s been a few days and I haven’t heard from him yet, although side neighbor says the poop is cleaned up outside. Hopeful! He seemed genuinely ashamed so yay for Team Doggie so far!
This is great news! I got really scared when I read that he stopped you, but then it turned out OK! Hopefully this marks a change in fortune for the poor doggie.
Thanks for the update! Poor doggie. I hope things continue to improve.
shartbreaker, you are such a good person. And a great friend to helpless animals. You warmed my cold, hard heart.
whew. week two down of coaching. Throwing didn’t aggravate my shoulder injury, I haven’t had issues with diabetic kid, I’ve got most of the team registered, and they are really improving. I’m working out like crazy leading 2 + hour practices. One bloody nose, one asthma attack, one puking kid from overwork, one puking kid from stomach flu, one pulled hamstring, one kid with a torn rotator cuff (happened on a snow day). I’m spending hours every night doing paperwork, yuk. But the boys (and girls) are gelling really well.
Kid number one came home for spring break! That was a surprise. Kid 2 joined the crew for the high school play. Kid 3 is testing for her brown belt next month…I’m so jealous (I keep getting injured and having to quit karate).
Cat…omg..cat. I get a break on my rent from fostering it but this cat is peeing every day on my stuff. I’ve washed my son’s coat THREE TIMES in 3 days because of it. I’m ready to cry. The cat is mad that it’s so cold out and taking it out on me, I think.
I’m exhausted. it’s great coaching but it’s exhausting!
If the cat is urinating everywhere, it may be sick. Cats with urinary tract or bladder infections will pee *everywhere* because it hurts and they can’t completely control their bladder. If it is a behavior problem, it’s probably not ‘mad’ but if it’s stressed by circumstances, the cat may be trying to mark some safe space for itself, or, they again sometimes can’t control the pee (and/or poop), it’s part of the last ditch survival mechanism–get the predator off their back by making themselves stinky and unappetizing.
Also, if you can afford it, get one of the enzyme cleaners like Nature’s Miracle–it destroys the pee odor and makes it easier to wash whatever item is soaked. I’ve resurrected an upholstered chair with enzyme cleaners.
I’ve had both types of pee-ers, and once I found out what the problem was, it was solvable (though stress peeing is hard to solve sometimes). If it is an urinary tract issue though, it can be life threatening to the cat. Good luck!
Yeah, I’ve got an appointment with the vet coming up. I haven’t tried nature’s miracle lately–Urine gone used to be my favorite, but it’s not working so well this time around. Usually I wash things that are washable with vinegar and the smell is gone, but wool never gets rid of smells. Son joked that it went from a “p-e-a” jacket to a “p-e-e” jacket.
Cat is otherwise acting beautifully, not hiding, not crying, not being especially different in any way. Not drinking any more or less. Just peeing selectively on bean bag chairs, rugs, and coats. And still using the litter box. (and this is not a user-friendly cat–if it was really upset, we wouldn’t see him and he definitely wouldn’t let us pet him). He’s a sweet beggar, if he wants out, food, water, etc, he comes up and is the gentlest thing ever but paws at you until you figure out his wants. He hasn’t been doing that for anything out of the ordinary.
When I was a small child, 5 or 6 years old, I thought that there was a secret, irregular number after 129. I would count aloud to 129 and then stop, expectantly, hoping to hear someone say it. All the adults would ask, condescendingly, “What comes next?” and I would say, “I don’t remember. I heard it once, but I forgot.”
Then they’d say, in their awful, leading, grown-up way, “Well, what comes after 29?” That would enrage me. I knew that the number after 29 was 30, and I also knew that they were trying to trick me to assume, by analogy, that the number after 129 was 130. And I knew it wasn’t. I knew it was something else, something that didn’t fit the pattern, something I’d heard before and forgotten.
I don’t know what motivation I thought the adults had for keeping it from me. I don’t think I actually thought it was a dark secret or anything. I think I just figured they were trying to trick me into saying it was 130 so they could laugh at me.
I was a weird child.
ETA: There are other weird children out there apparently from my home planet. After I remembered and then posted this story, I Googled “What comes after 129?” to see if I could find the real, secret answer. I didn’t, but I did find this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dz8omd06ua8
I suspect the number you were thinking of was bleem: http://www.strangehorizons.com/2000/20001120/secr…
Thank you for that!
If it is behavioral, it can be really hard to figure out, but the choice of pee spots does sound like it might be. I’ve had good luck with the enzyme cleaners, even with wool (the wool cloak that was serving as a blanket on the upholstered chair is fine now.) It can take a *bunch* of rounds with the enzyme cleaner. My down comforter took I don’t know how many cycles of washing, enzyme, washing, enzyme. I also don’t use soap, just run things through the washer, because the enzymes will work on the soap first, apparently, instead of the pee.
And, if you can, I also put things outside in the sun after enzyming them. For some reason that seems to make it work better. I’ve watched a pee stain vanish from a white blanket as the enzymes worked on it, very cool, actually, though not really on my list of things to see. 😉
Always good to check out the bladder issues, though, I’ve had cats that seemed fine other than peeing who turned out to have raging bladder/urinary infections.
I suspect the number you were thinking of was bleem: http://www.strangehorizons.com/2000/20001120/secr…
Honestly, that show makes me super-hungry. I was watching the first season on my kindle while I was making Jambalaya one day (supermarket had fresh okra AND andouille, so I took advantage of the opportunity) and even though I know that Hannibal was making the sausage out of lungs…I definitely did not lose my appetite.