Link Roundup!

by Nicole Cliffe · March 16, 2015

“From Jamaica to Minnesota to myself“:

In creative writing, I teach that characters arise out of our need for them. By now, the person I created in New York was the only one I wanted to be. Over the next two years, I came and left often, pushing the limits of a student visa. I’d make friends but never get close enough to have them ask me anything too deep, playing at being aloof when I was really just shy, and I’d walk past gay bars, turn and walk past again, but never go in. Back home I fell back into church, knowing I didn’t belong there anymore. Once I forgot to code-switch in time and dashed to the bathroom in J.F.K., minutes before my flight to Kingston, to change out of my skinny jeans and hoop earrings. Eight years after reaching the end of myself, I was on borrowed time. Whether it was in a plane or a coffin, I knew I had to get out of Jamaica.

*

“My Flu” is better than anything a man has ever written:

Anyway, as far as I’m concerned The Fall is a show about Gillian Anderson—as Inspector Stella Gibson—murmuring endlessly.  Something bad happens and she’s like “Mmmmmm.” Something worse happens and she’s like “Mmmmm,” at a lower octave. Once in a while she’ll murmur, “Mmmm, it of-ten occurrrrs to me that men are horrrribullll,” and that’s why everyone loves it.

You know what I’d like to see? I’d like to see a show about Stella Gibson’s dry cleaner. In the first scene Stella Gibson’s dry cleaner says to his wife “I got a new customer today, she has ten million silk shirts and they’re always perfect.” The show ends with him retiring early and moving to the Canary Islands.

*

Thank you:

There’s a reason that some women get their hackles up about their boyfriends being friends with women. That’s because dudes are always cheating. Being cheated on is one of the 26 tolls that you pay when you date men. (The full list is pretty dreadful so I’ll spare you. Let’s just say that G is for Gaslighting and H is for HPV and I is for Infidelity. Yup, it’s going to make an AMAZING children’s book.)

*

In case you missed Toast Points, Nikki “The Light of Nicole Cliffe’s Eyes and the Joy of Her Heart” Callahan is now handling all freelancer payments for The Toast (via a more streamlined system and with our less-grabby contracts!) and she is inviting anyone who did not receive a payment for any work done for us in the past to DROP HER A LINE (nikki at the-toast.net) and say “pay meeeeeee.”

*

precious lil things NO IT’S REASONABLE I GET IT:

When Nationals reliever Aaron Barrett moved to Atlanta this offseason, his wife didn’t let him lift any boxes. Veteran right-handed reliever Casey Janssen opens cans only with his left hand to avoid cutting his pitching hand. Closer Drew Storen doesn’t like to carry groceries in his right hand, especially if it means his pitching arm will lock in a straight position, nor does he sleep on his right arm.

*

I demand a return to a time when white men in romantic comedies were expected to be able to tapdance in roller skates (I can’t stop watching.) No more of this “I don’t wanna move out of mom’s house but maaaaaybe for uuuuu” nonsense. Channing represents a return to expecting such men to earn their filmic keep.

*

Our own Nikki participated in a Fresh Off the Boat roundtable at Slate:

The one line I keep circling back to is “You’re not a good Chinese boy,” and honestly, that is a really loaded line when it’s directed at an adoptee.

She could have just said, “You’re selfish, you’re not a good boy—Eddie is,” dropped the “Chinese” part, and it wouldn’t have stuck with me so much. But many transracial adoptees are already used to not being considered “_____ enough.”

*

A Self-Care Playlist for the Sensual Woman Smoking Weed in Her Shower

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I finally watched the last Hobbit movie and went FUCKING NUTS ON TWITTER:

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213 Comments

  1. Ethylbenzene +21

    I read that Concessionist post this morning before work actually and I don’t know, it just made me tired.

    1. thecaitd +20

      I like the Concessionist okay but I barely understood half of what he was saying here..is it just me?

      1. projectbeks +12

        He seemed to vacillate a lot between “yeah, your gf has a point, history says dudes are awful” and “nah, you’re both nuts, you should break up”. I just ended up feeling confused.

        1. Ethylbenzene +43

          Yeah agreed plus, gods am I so tired of men and women as friends being forever suspect.

          I keep trying to write more about this but that pretty much sums it up. I wish we could focus on what makes good and trusting relationships, how to be good and supportive friends (hint: no pining from afar for years), and how to talk to people you are romantically interested in, instead of “can men and women really be friends.” Because ugh shut up.

          1. paddlepickle +57

            Yeah, I have been cheated on before but I don’t think that justifies me denying any future partners their friends. However I would break up with him the second I found out he compares my hotness to his friend’s hotness with his buddies, or calls me a ‘nutcase’ for any reason.

          2. Ethylbenzene +20

            Oh yeah definitely. I think the answer focused way too much on the whole “can men and women be friends/jealous partner” thing and less on the GIANT RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE.

          3. blueblazes11 +15

            You know, he says they watch “movies in her room,” which leads me to believe we are talking about minors or recently non-minors here. That might explain some of the cluelessness/douchebaggery/immaturity flags. Maybe?

          4. irishbreakfasttime +8

            It sounds like college students, and knowing how so very, very many high school –> long distance because college relationships end, none of it is new or surprising. And I’m already cringing over how it’s gonna play out, whether they stay together or not.

          5. leahrobinn +5

            This made me realise that I would LOVE to see the Bad Advisor’s take on this letter.

          6. gloriana232 +34

            Oh, wow, that bit about how his friends couldn’t understand how she’d be insecure because she was “way hotter” was … so gross. Just, utterly ew. Don’t forget to address your friends’ gross behaviour.

          7. Ethylbenzene +47

            I’ll tell you what — my friendships with men that have ended have ended due to deep, unchanging and unwilling to change misogyny, not because we were secretly attracted to each other.

          8. projectbeks +13

            YES I am also 100% tired of that. Just, I don’t know, be friends or don’t. Find a partner who’s okay with your friends. Or don’t. Just. Ugh stop.

          9. johnwthompson +3

            I took a psych of gender class in college and the only day the majority of the class wasn’t asleep was when the question of inter-gender friendships was brought up. Everybody’s like NAH

      2. paddlepickle +26

        Yeah, he lost me at “There’s a somewhat attractive school of thought here that would suggest that the two of you are closer to being of the same gender actually—when compared to single people, or queers, or gender outliers, or babies, or anyone that isn’t what y’all are.” Is there? I do not think there is.

        I don’t like the Concessionist much, overall– I feel the Awl has become more and more cynical and depressing to the point that I can barely even read it any more. Concessionist is a sad replacement for Ask Polly.

          1. paddlepickle +12

            I feel like he was getting at something like “two straight people who are in a relationship with each other might have more in common with each other than a queer person, or a single person?” Which could sort of approach making some kind of sense, but. . .the word ‘gender’ does not appear to mean what he thinks it means.

        2. octopoda +10

          I mostly stopped reading the Awl after all the old commenters left. Where did they go?!

          1. paddlepickle +14

            Good question. All the Hairpin’s commenters went to the Toast, but no idea what happened on the Awl. Other than that people got tired of reading Alex Balk’s not-that-funny rants about how the world is crumbling and terrible and there’s no point to life anyways? I can’t imagine I’m the only one who does not really enjoy that.

      3. blushingflower +19

        What’s frustrating is that there is no actual advice beyond “talk or break up”.
        I have no truck with women who forbid their male partners to be friends with women (or anyone else). Unless a specific individual is actively/obviously toxic in some way, you don’t get to veto friendships.
        But when people are jealous, there’s usually a reason. If your girlfriend has insecurities surrounding your friendship with another woman, it’s worth figuring out WHY (which of course, is where the “talk” comes in), assuming you want to stay together.

    2. bird_internet +37

      I spent years as the perpetually single friend who did not comprehend/ was in no way interested in anyone’s long-winded, infinitely detailed relationship whines. And even now I sometimes hear someone who is going on and on about BOUNDARIES and LINES OF COMMUNICATION and EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE and I’m like “ugggghhhh no1curr, there are more fascinating things in the world, such as the weather.” This is one of those times!

      1. Ethylbenzene +10

        Yeah seriously. Like, how was that letter and response THAT LONG, when really it was “is it ok for my girlfriend to be jealous and controlling because she thinks men and women can’t be friends.”

    3. LeastBittern +28

      OK, but the LW is the worst; he is the reason we can’t have nice phrases like “to be fair”. HERE IS HOW YOU ARE FAIR. If you find something that supports the argument of the other person, and you point it out. “To be fair, I am the sort of person who thinks that no one would choose a less attractive person over an attractive person, so maybe my opinions on cheating are biased.”

      One does not say “to be fair, I had done this thing lots of times in the past and it was fine”. That is underlining your own argument with a phrase meant for supporting the other side. That is how garbage talks.

      1. Ethylbenzene +25

        “To be fair, I asked all of my friends to rate your hotness against the hotness of my friend and we think you have a silly ladybrain.”

        1. LeastBittern +16

          “To be fair, I’ll write an advice columnist to whinge about your objection to me hanging out with a friend in a way that is widely acknowledged to be a college seduction technique.”

          1. Ethylbenzene +8

            We should shoot darling LW and his friends into the sun on a rocketship full of robot bees (as it has been pointed out to me previously that using live bees is mean to bees, who we need more of really).

  2. braak +23

    They don’t…they don’t REALLY play “The General” in Battle of Five Armies do they?

    1. paddlepickle +8

      If that was true that might be the only thing that would make me willing to see it.

  3. literarysara +31

    AHAHAHA I forgot about the sandworms. I am sorry to laugh while you are in such pain but I have already processed my feelings about 5 Armies and now I find both it and your twitterrant sources of beauty and delight.

    I long ago posted my 3-gif rave review of the movie (1. Bagginshield 2. badass dragonry 3. Thranduil swordswishing) but now I have an adjacent storyline. Long story short (long story on my blog in fact) my gentleman friend found a Battle of 5 Armies T-shirt in one of our favorite bars, and it FITS me (T-shirts never fit me) and has long enough sleeves to cover my tattoos and is the most comfortable T-shirt I’ve owned in years.
    As one friend intoned, THE SHIRT HAS TAKEN A NEW OWNER.
    So I think I’m contractually obligated to say nice things about 5 Armies now.

    1. Maryaed +32

      I ranted for days after the first Hobbit movie about how Tolkien would never have sold a book about Thorin Oakenshield’s fucking FEELINGS, but by the third one I was all “whatever, this has nothing to do with Tolkien, this is a dragons-n-war pigs sword and sorcery extravaganza LOOKIT THAT PIG.”

      (I actually did think the first movie sucked more, because it contained so much bullshit invented High Seriousness that didn’t advance the plot in the slightest. The Five Armies bullshit was at least action-packed.)

      1. JGlo +3

        I just have so many feels. The book was kind of a meditation on greed and courage, which you probably won’t get from the movies at all because there is too much action constantly going on. The battles went on just…forever. The only added battle scene I liked in the whole thing was the one with the giant gold dwarf. That’s it. The rest? Meh.

        I liked some of the added stuff, like Tauriel and Bard’s family. I guess to balance out the insane amount of carnage. But so much was…why?

        I cannot give any balanced reflection on Thorin because Richard Armitage.

        1. literarysara +5

          I cannot give any balanced reflection on Thorin because Richard Armitage.

          Right?!

          Thorin: *has a hallucination that ends with himself drowning in molten gold*
          Me: 😀 D:

    2. tragicallyludicrous +8

      I’ve never read The Hobbit so I enjoyed Battle of the Five Armies because of its extreme silliness/the part where that dwarf guy rides a pig/Camp Thranduil, but now I feel kind of bad for enjoying it so much.

      1. redheadedwolf +29

        Don’t ever feel bad for enjoying anything (that didn’t involve hurting people or animals, and I’ve heard no such report of Jackson’s films, so). We are placed here on earth to enjoy ridiculous things, haven’t you heard?

      2. crickwooder +37

        The book and I have this very intense relationship and have done so since childhood, but this last movie just cracked me up. I laughed, I cried, I only paid matinee prices, so whatever. Legolas was pulling some straight-up Wile E. Coyote moves, I renamed the score “Thorina Burana”, I almost wet myself. It was so, so terrible but I was at the theater where I could add my own butter. Life was good.

      3. rkfire +10

        Don’t forget when the other dwarves were riding mountain sheep? Or something. There was just so much riding of unconventional animals!

  4. redheadedwolf +102

    I finally finished S2 of The Fall this weekend, and omg that quoted excerpt is 100% accurate. I started watching for Gillian Anderson in silky shirts and finished watching because this is the most gloriously misandrist show I’ve ever seen. She is preaching misandrist truth every time she opens her mouth, and it all goes UNCHALLENGED.

    “Why are men emotionally and spiritually weaker than women?”
    “It’s because maleness is a kind of birth defect.”
    The man: *accepts this*
    And scene.

    1. winterbymorning +18

      Okay, I am definitely going to start watching this show! Maybe it will fill the void in my heart left by The Americans now that we’ve canceled our cable and have to wait for season 3 to come out on DVD like we’re medieval peasants or something.

      1. redheadedwolf +10

        Enjoy! Though understand too that I almost didn’t finish the first season because watching Jamie Dornan’s character made me feel physically ill and dirty. But I can promise you it does get better, the worst part is at the start.

        1. Unreadaethel +25

          I love, love, love that the entire show revolves around Stella’s complete loathing of Spector, rather than having her male colleagues go on and on about how vile he is, how can men do that to women, real men don’t rape, etc. Nope, we’re not doing that bullshit, Stella Gibson is here to hate misogynists and draw explicit parallels between sexism and brutal murder. And also to calmly tell men how inadequate they are.

      2. gloriana232 +11

        Oh, hrm, I’m just piping in that I found Season 2 kind of hard to watch too … there’s some stuff with the teen girl that I found pretty troubling, and not in a way that seemed self-aware enough. Plus, too much terror watching victims in real-time.

        Personally, I found Stella Gibson the only part worth watching. I just want to see more of her swanning about doing Stella Gibson.

        1. redheadedwolf +1

          I completely understand this. I never could have gotten through any of it without watching it with a good friend, so we could yell at the screen all the way through it (and also clutch at each other through the really scary bits). That helped a lot. Katie was profoundly disturbing.

          1. OliviaPJones +1

            Does it make me weak that I fast-forwarded through 99% of the Katie scenes in the second season?

        2. bird_internet +3

          I enjoyed the show a lot but yeah, the babysitter still weirded me out. I mean, it’s a show about how men fuck with women, and I’m sure if I thought about it more there’s something meaningful in there about emotional control and preying on teen angst? But mostly just ick.

          1. bluewindgirl +10

            It is indeed super weird. I read it as a commentary on internalized misogyny– there is this confusing line between wanting to be with someone, and just wanting to BE them, that I think is especially fraught for teenage girls figuring out who they are supposed to be. The babysitter is coming to terms with this powerful/powerless, subject/object positioning and trying to be the (crazy murderer version of the) “cool girl”– siding with the powerful and dangerous man, thinking this will exempt her from victimhood.

          2. Kitling +7

            I got the impression that apart from the conventional ‘let’s try to make this plot more interesting’ reason, the Katie bit was a way of exploring the way older men prey on younger ones and try to mold them in the way they want. How he’s not only a serial killer rapist and thus falls into the age old “tradition” of men committing violence on women, but also part of another misogyny tradition of older men manipulating and shaping younger ones, taking advantage of their youth and inexperience to feel big and important. I mean, that seems to have been his motivation for the whole killing spree as well doesn’t it? Feeling powerful.

        3. Hey_Cinderella +3

          I’ve been preparing myself mentally for Season 2 since it came to Netflix because Season 1 messed me up so much (although I couldn’t stop watching, mostly for Stella). That show messed me up for several weeks, and I still can’t look at Jamie Dornan without seeing some of those Season 1 scenes.

          1. Unreadaethel +9

            This is the biggest reason why casting him in 50 Shades was a terrible idea. It just makes it that much easier to realize those two characters are the same character.

    2. literarysara +61

      I love that line and use it to explain what I like so much about the show.
      And then I go on to explain that the dialogue takes place shortly after the man tries to physically overwhelm Stella. Later on, the same man is wringing his hands about Stella interviewing a dangerous serial killer, and she stone cold tells him that he has no moral high ground over the killer after what he tried to do to her.
      “It’s not the same!” he moans. “It’s not the same,” she agrees, but goes on to say that she said no and he ignored it, so it’s not too different either.
      A television show that acknowledges rape culture! ::falls off couch::

      1. redheadedwolf +42

        Oh yes. I also love when Spector protested the opposite — he may have tortured and killed these women, but he never raped them, and she says, “You violated their bodies and lives. You raped them.”

        Isn’t it amazing how some men think they’ve preserved some measure of integrity because they do one but not the other?

        1. Unreadaethel +12

          Going off on a tangent here to rant about Hannibal‘s 2nd-season subplot. We were promised no rape scenes, but then a male character has his sister hit by a car, then convinces doctors to give her a full hysterectomy, and it was filmed in a very rape-scene way. Many fans felt betrayed by this.

          1. redheadedwolf +6

            Hell yes, that was a rape. I was so, so angry (and felt just as filthy) after that scene. I would have stopped watching after that alone, but the finale sealed the deal.

      2. _phlox +7

        Yes, that was my favourite scene in season 2.

        I found season 1 harder to watch because of the violence, but season 2 was just as creepy, especially with the teenage girl.

      3. MSR +34

        I love also that when he’s like “Stella, I have to have you!” and lunges at her, she rolls her eyes in disgust while breaking his nose with her palm, and manages not to get any of his pitiful man blood on her spotless silk shirt.

    3. tubatoothpaste +36

      I know! Especially considering that in a lot of other shows it’s all about female detectives having to really fight for every little shred of respect, The Fall’s all –
      Stella: Men are garbage creatures.
      Her male subordinates: Yes. It’s true.

      1. redheadedwolf +17

        Exactly! By the end of S2, I had developed a fetish for men saying “Yes ma’am” to her. Especially the ones she had just beckoned into her bed.

    4. cuminafterall +31

      I haven’t watched any of The Fall, so I keep mixing up Stella Gibson with Stella Gibbons, and it’s actually pretty great to imagine Gillian Anderson as a misandrist lady detective who also wrote Cold Comfort Farm.

    5. Apollonia +2

      “Eventually it became night.” is the greatest sentence I’ve read all year. I need to visit The Awl more.

  5. littlehuntingcreek +61

    Netflix knows that I will watch any movie that involves British people with country homes, British women detectives (with or without country homes) British aristocracy/royalty (bonus palaces, multiple country homes). I could be talked into French country homes, but Netflix has not yet figured that out.

    1. braak +27

      That show she describes about the British detective wandering around the Tesco in Wycombe sounds pretty good, actually.

      1. littlehuntingcreek +18

        Watching British detectives wandering around Tesco is an excellent idea for a BBC miniseries. I would watch that

          2. braak +46

            She would solve crimes through a combination of listening to gossip and noticing peculiar differences in a person’s monthly grocery purchases.

    2. citystillbreath +9

      I am looking for exactly “British women detectives (with or without country homes)”! Do you have any recommendations?

      2. Unreadaethel +9

        I’m a big fan of Rosemary & Thyme, which is about crime-fighting via botany, and also about not putting up with male bullshit. It’s marvelous, but tragically left off of the BWGID list.

        1. BellaG +4

          I liked it until the episode where the former cop (I forget which of the main characters she was) took umbrage at a store security guy stopping a girl who was clearly in the process of shoplifting, but had no problems with the (male) teacher who “fell in love” with his female student.

          1. Unreadaethel +3

            Yeah, that episode bothered me a lot. I wish they’d explored the idea that her feelings about her husband leaving her for a scandalously young woman had tied into her perception of teacher/student relationships; that would at least have been interesting, if still deeply uncomfortable.

      3. Apollonia +7

        Could I talk you into Miss Fishers Murder Mystery? She’s a 1920’s Australian lady detective who lives in a very grand Melbourne house and has an array of ever more fabulous hats and coats. She’s single but has tons of lovers, she’s rich as balls and has a bunch of wonderful lady friends like a witty lesbian doctor who dresses in the sharpest riding habits and a shy yet daring Catholic ladies maid who helps her solve murders. The men in the story are a couple of adorable Communists she keeps on her payroll to wax her car and punch people, and a gruff yet dashing police detective who respects and admires Miss Fisher and, while attracted to her, is working through his own stuff in an honest and open way without burdening her. The very first episode is about abortion, but instead of making it out to be “a bad thing” it’s about how fucked it was to be a woman in the 20’s without options. It’s such a breath of fresh air.

        1. puzzleg +1

          I first got this recommendation from Go Fug Yourself for the fantastic outfits and everything else you mention. I second your recommendation on all counts.

    3. blueblazes11 +3

      BBC friends, has anyone made a series out of the Feathering mysteries yet? Give me your postmenopausal ladies solving crimes by the sea. Casting ideas?

  6. sausagedog +18

    Dear Casey Janssen: Please buy a can opener. I suggest: this one
    I’m not sure how often you have to cut yourself opening cans for it to become a “thing,” but I have one of these and have never once cut myself on a can.

    (Is he opening cans with a butcher knife or something? How do you cut your hand opening a can? How do you open cans one handed? There is so much there I don’t…. can’t… understand.)

    1. isabellebleu +9

      Trust, even with a can opener, it is a “thing”. Signed, “still sheepish about slicing my thumb open on in a can when I was twelve, in a way that required seven stitches”

    2. blushingflower +8

      I’ve done it, using a regular can opener, by not paying attention and slicing my hand on the freshly cut lid.

    3. hystericaldora +5

      Other people have confirmed that it’s possible to cut one’s hand even using a can opener, but in case anyone was wondering — I tried to open a can with a knife once and it was as terrible an idea as any sensible person would assume. No stitches, but lots of blood and a lasting scar.

      (I was using an ex’s extremely janky can opener and it wouldn’t go all the way through the lid, so I tried to cut the parts it wouldn’t cut through using a knife. In my defense, I was very hungry and not thinking straight. Not in my defense, it was still an obviously ridiculous thing to do.)

    4. octopoda +3

      Surely he can afford some super fancy electronic can opener that opens it for you. They probably even have ones now that prevent any sharp edges from being formed.

  7. redheadedwolf +34

    Oi, Nicole, Thranduil’s elk (it’s an ELK, yes) is one of the best damn parts about that entire Hobbit trilogy. (The other best part is Thranduil himself. And Galadriel.) But I hear you about Jackson turning it into a video game. And the cringeworthy dialogue.

    1. braak +89

      An important distinction! It is an Irish Elk, which is an extinct animal that is not related to either the American Elk or the Moose (which is called the “Elk” in Europe and England).

      An exciting fact about moose! Unlike other large bovids, a moose can kick in any direction, including sidewise! There is no safe direction from which to approach a moose.

      Do not approach a moose.

      1. braak +29

        Peter Jackson really likes using extinct mammals in his movies; the Wargs I remember look suspiciously like reconstructions of the cave hyena, which was a giant Ice Age predator in Europe.

        I don’t know about the sandworms, though, I don’t think there’s any fossil evidence for sandworms in Ice Age Europe.

        1. Unreadaethel +2

          I mean, given that Middle-Earth is meant to be a long, long past version of our own Earth, using extinct mammals in the movies seems entirely reasonable.

          1. braak +1

            OH IS IT REALLY?
             
            Uh, hm, yeah, I guess it is pretty reasonable now that you mention it.

          3. braak +6

            Well, kind of, but considering 1) this whole bit started with me “um, actuallying” someone else, and also 2) I have got like a literally 30 year history of doing it to other people without discrimination like some kind of huge jerk, I am not going to get my dander up about it!
             
            so yes, I agree, I think actually there’s a subtle but definite design choice in Jackson’s Lord of the Rings materials about using extinct mammals (see also the four-tusked Oliphant which is maybe a kind of gomphothere?) as a way of suggesting that Middle Earth is the very very ancient past of Regular Earth.  I remember getting very excited when I saw those Cave Hyenas.

          4. Unreadaethel +5

            Also, I’m very big on “um, actually”-ing men, for the good of the sisterhood.

      2. braak +5

        Little known fact: actually the Irish Elk became extinct because forets got too dense, and they kept getting their antlers stuck in the trees.

        1. Unreadaethel +13

          You’d think that would cause them to starve to death, but they actually all died of embarrassment on account of looking like doofuses with their heads stuck in trees.

  8. kilks401 +9

    Marlon James in the link roundup! I just finished A Brief History of Seven Killings. Very good piece.

  9. BobOfSeals +65

    When I saw Five Armies with my father, he leaned over and said “I’m sorry, is it just me or is Thranduil having a hard time selling…that he loved a woman?”

    It isn’t just you dad. Lee Pace was quite literally swanning about.

    I did forget about the Sand Worms though.

    1. NotBob +32

      The description I used for Lee Pace after watching the second movie was “delightfully fey.”

    2. literarysara +70

      I choose to believe that the elves don’t have binary gender, but they are interpreted as male and female by sexually dimorphic and heteronormative societies like humans and hobbits.

    3. tragicallyludicrous +37

      My abiding memory of any review of the Hobbit films was Marc Almond (of Soft Cell fame) on Twitter discussing the “delightfully camp Elf King” or something like that. This is also how I feel about Thranduil.

      My friend and I decided that Legolas’ mom was the warrior, she was out having Adventures while Thranduil stayed home decorating and throwing parties. She’d bring Thranduil back nice stuff for the parlor.

      1. aqueousmedium +19

        I am now imagining Gillian Anderson as a warrior-elf version of Stella Gibson and it is delightful.

      2. msjinxie +11

        That’s always what I figured – they’re elves, they’re immortal – why limit themselves to a black and white view of sexuality? Plenty of time for experimentation.

  10. aqwaplop +15

    – “I cut no corners on my sleeping arrangements,” Storen said. Jayson Werth “gave me some of the best advice: If you have to pay a little extra for a pillow, every little thing, do it. Invest in yourself. That investment will pay off more than any stock will.”

    If I didn’t love that sentiment enough already, it’s made even better by the fact that Jayson Werth easily wins the award for Most Likely to Be Mistaken for a Drifter.

    1. blushingflower +3

      Jayson Werth embraces it though; one of his walk-up songs is (or at least has been) “Werewolves of London” and the whole stadium howls along. Normally I like my men more clean-cut than he is, but I love him anyway.

    2. katiemcgillicuddy +17

      I am going to the Nats game in August where they will be handing out Jayson Werth chia pets. Greatest promotion ever or greatest promotion ever?

        1. katiemcgillicuddy +2

          It would be right there except the Nats did a Jayson Werth garden gnome last year as well, so. However, I think Coco’s was done earlier in the summer, so yes, a million times yes, to the Coco Crisp garden gnome.

          1. Gzortenplatz +2

            I did not know that about Jayson Werth, I thought the CC gnome was sui generis. Now I want a complete revolution in major league baseball tchotchkes, with bobble heads entirely replaced by garden gnomes.

          2. katiemcgillicuddy +2

            Oh yes, this year we will also have Nationals nesting dolls, Star Wars day, and an Anthony Rendon garden gnome, continuing a proud tradition of garden gnomes. For any baseball fan, what a time to be alive.

  11. Erica_Stratton +28

    Nicole is the only person who has properly expressed my deep seated hatred of the Jackson adaptations.

      2. raqueue +7

        Of course, the Silmarillion doesn’t have as much “pastoral wistfulness” (or whimsy, or homeyness, or any of the other Hobbit-like characteristics that Jackson utterly fails to comprehend), and does have a lot more epic battles than the Hobbit, so maybe it wouldn’t be too bad.

        1. AmazingSandwich +13

          Nah, Jackson’s incapable of conveying any deep emotions, and the Silmarillion is nothing but 110% angst and 500% heartbreak. He would put elf hang-glider warriors at the Nirnaeth because it’s like, hella cool.

        2. Unreadaethel +6

          Yes, but it also has many pages of Very Little Stuff Happening, and Peter Jackson appears to be bad at that.

        3. mbculver +1

          Can you imagine how he would screw up the whole Turin Turambar saga?

          No, don’t. Don’t imagine that. Let’s move on.

  12. thecaitd +39

    “I will watch any British mystery– if there were a show about a detective wandering around the Tesco in High Wycombe looking for a rubber band, I would totally watch it.”

    Deeply correct.

  13. betsymurgatroyd +18

    I’m glad Nikki said what she did about how that affected her when the mother said Phillip wasn’t a good Chinese boy. I’m not Asian or an adoptee, but it rubbed me the wrong way. Why couldn’t have she said he was just not a good person? Up until that point I was angry with him, too, but then I felt badly for him having to hear that. I thought it was incredibly unfair.

    I loved that Elk. Thranduil is so ostentatious it’s a steed that befits him.

  14. celery +18

    I did not see the third Hobbit movie because I did not want to give it money, and this has entirely justified my decision. I know, now, that if I ever don’t have enough rage in my life, I can rent this movie.

    1. jennycieplak +7

      I only watched the first one, and I couldn’t take it anymore. Thorin is not supposed to be emo!

      1. Es_Petal +8

        I watched the first one in the cinema and was SO BORED. Borrowed the second on DVD and both the gentleman caller and I fell asleep twice in it, so I’m not bothering with the last one.

      2. Unreadaethel +8

        See, I could handle that. Dispossessed king, noble race reduced to wandering the earth making trinkets, it would be depressing. What I had trouble with was the extended, pointless action sequences, the addition of things that were in no way in any of Tolkien’s writing, and the fact that a single children’s book was turned into 3 full-length movies which are not suitable for children.

        Also the grimdarkness of everything. WTF, Jackson?

        1. celery +3

          Amen to all that (although Emo Thorin did bother me). My big sticking point was Azog. You HAD your movie trilogy with a personality-less Evil Overlord Who Communicates Primarily Through Ominous Noises, Jackson, why did you have to throw one into The Hobbit?

          1. Unreadaethel +6

            The Hobbit already has a perfectly good villain. If a motherfucking DRAGON isn’t epic enough for you, PJ, please go write your own sprawling fantasy epic.

  15. ppyajunebug +19

    I thought they decided that no one should ever show up in a romantic movie wearing roller skates again after Xanadu (which I watched recently for the first time an HOLY SHIT IS THAT TRIP). Especially since Gene Kelly is wearing them in that movie at the age of like 70 and showing up EVERYONE ELSE.

      1. deleted9457019 +4

        Or just a common typo for “Minot”? Which I did not realize was for sale.

        Though if I’m wrong, looks like some South Dakotans are missing out on a sales opportunity.

    2. jennycieplak +15

      I’m wondering about a “pound of weed.” That is a lot of weed, my friend.

  17. ppyajunebug +21

    Also, anyone else read the piece on ‘My Immortal’ and feel an intense sense of nostalgia for the time when it was being posted? I miss the good old days of bad fic sporking and making fun of the Pit (and very occasionally finding a really good story there) …

      1. ppyajunebug +4

        Yes! Man, the stories I could tell about the stories I have read…Celebrian…Little Miss Mary…Rose Potter…the list goes ON and ON.

    2. ramina +7

      This must be why my mother asked me ifI had ever heard of “something called My Immortal??” this weekend. Gonna definitely read this one – it was always interesting for me because I’m not really a fandom person – I don’t do fanfic, really – but this was SO prolific, everyone knew it.

    3. Alli525 +6

      Oh my god yes. I mean, I am a little ashamed of all the bad fic I read back then… but I still love it now so IDGAF.

      1. ppyajunebug +9

        Nope, I feel zero shame. I just want to take all the kids who think that “My Immortal” is the worst that there is and pat their head and then give them something TRULY terrible. And I’m really, really sad that most of the badfic communities I love have disappeared from the Internet.

        1. Unreadaethel +13

          Similarly, when people talk about insane Twilight fans, I just want to point them to online Harry Potter fandom ca. 2004, and then have a strong drink ready for when they emerge.

          1. ppyajunebug +15

            Oh man, the years of Cassie and the plagiarism debacle and when the whole Lily/James fandom split away from FF.net and everything that went down with the Gryffindor Tower and Sugarquill.

            TWILIGHT HAS NOTHING ON US.

          3. ppyajunebug +5

            OH GOD YES.

            Also, it was later but THANFICTION. I think that was the last great wank of the HP fandom. And I was fully present and involved in that one (because I met him once and it was WEIRD and the whole thing involved people I was tangentially aware of from LJ).

          6. ppyajunebug +2

            Yes, I had heard he’s moved onto the Supernatural fandom, which does not surprise me at all. Looks like he recovered from that heart problem right quick.

          7. stirringsofconsciousness +8

            STILL ANGRY ABOUT THAT. REFUSE TO READ HER PUBLISHED FICTION BECAUSE. SHE IS. A PLAGIARIST.

          8. ppyajunebug +8

            When the movie was coming out, people would ask me if they were any good and then IMMEDIATELY regretted it, because then they’d get stuck listening to the whole story.

            I have never been so glad for a movie to FAIL EPICALLY in my life.

    4. RuncibleSpoon +8

      relatedly, i explained slash fic to my boyfriend over the weekend and was reminded that

      1. my years and years of experience online are just that, years and years of specialized experience because the internet is not this weird new thing anymore and i am not a weird young thing anymore.

      2. things that i assume are universally known – grass is green, harry potter fanfic involves a lot of pairings like a lot of draco/harry stuff but really there’s a wide variety, water is wet – are not actually universal. and i never even read much fic or wrote any, i’ve just floated around the internet a lot and i have a passing familiarity with a lot of internetness like it’s some city I lived in for while.

      1. ppyajunebug +6

        Man, just a few months ago I had to give my friends a run down on what fanfiction actually was when explaining the genesis of Fifty Shades, and it’s genuinely like trying to give a primer on an complete other culture. Like, having to explain what “slash” and “AU” and everything means…it still amazes me that most people my age don’t know these things offhand.

        1. Unreadaethel +5

          And when you call something “canon,” people laugh like it’s this hilarious thing you came up with, comparing an author’s words to a body of literature, and you have to explain that no, that’s what it’s called, it’s been called that for years.

    5. HelenDamnation

      The My Immortal webseries is amazing. Zombie Snap and Loopin! That Hufflepuff Girl! Enoby/Hermione OT Effing P.

  18. paddlepickle +29

    I have never been more disappointed by a movie, or possibly anything, than I was by the Hobbit movies. I LOVE the LOTR Trilogy so much. I watch the whole thing with my family between Christmas and New Years every year. And the Hobbit movie had such an amazing cast lined up (although apparently Martin Freeman is a giant turd of a human being), including my #1 celebrity crush of all time Lee Pace, and it is just SO BAD. I do not understand how the same director could have made those beautiful movies and then crapped out this Hobbit nonsense. It does not compute in my brain.

        1. lesliejroot +6

          Ugh, dude. Not cool. 🙁 Thankfully, I’m not a megafan or anything, I just think he’s adowwwable in Sherlock, so day not ruined. Unlike the day I made the connection that actual piece of human garbage Jian Ghomeshi was in Moxy Fruvous, which was a formative part of my early adolescence.

    3. eleventysix +2

      i, too, LOVED the LOTR adaptations and the one good thing i have to say about the hobbit attempt was good golly wow does martin freeman look like a took (if all tooks in some way resemble like billy boyd).

  19. Catandrist +39

    That flu account….wow, it brings it ALL back, even now, 6 years later. When people casually mention they have “the flu” yet they are still up and about, living normal lives, I just silently nod and remember those 3 weeks in bed and all the wild fever dreams, the shaking chills, the non-sensical monologues and quarts of soup and orange juice left outside my door by well-meaning friends and family…

    My flu came down during a layover in the Las Vegas airport as I returned home from celebrating my 30th birthday with family in Southern California. I was reading Under the Banner of Heaven, a book by John Krakauer about fundamentalist Mormons and surrounded by the neon lights and dinging of slot machines. I felt a strange and unsettling connection to the subjects of the book as I flew over Nevada and Colorado, staring down at giant tracts of land, attempting to pinpoint their compounds. I was losing it. When I finally crawled into my bed late that night, my newly adopted cat Smudge, who had previously been sleeping under the bed or on the futon, curled right up next to me and didn’t leave my side for those three weeks as I fought the flu and then pneumonia. The two of us haven’t been the same since.

    1. Hey_Cinderella +10

      I know how you feel. The last time I had The Flu it came on while I was in our local indie theatre watching the not great film Hyde Park on Hudson, where Bill Murray plays FDR. I went into the theatre feeling like a mostly normal human being and then about 10 minutes into the film (probably 30 minutes after we’d got to the theatre) I started to get chills. Then halfway through the film came the aches. When we got home after I had a 103 degree fever. Fever dreams about Bill Murray as FDR haunted me all night long. I don’t think I’ve ever forgiven him.

      1. literarysara +6

        You should not forgive him. That movie was unforgivable. The flu was just an added insult.

      2. Catandrist +1

        Bill Murray as FDR fever dreams sound like absolute HELL. I’m sorry you had to experience that.

    2. donkeywork +1

      I had the flu once while reading Mary Gaitskill’s “Bad Behavior.” So paranoid after, it’s been years and just thinking about it, yeeeughsh.

    3. CaroWR +6

      Ugh, yes. I’m just getting over the flu, and it wasn’t even a particularly bad case, though for some reason everything in the onion family made me horribly nauseous, so soup was sort of off the table. But I had the flu a few years ago, also in March, also given to me by a boyfriend, because boys in March are apparently the PLAGUE, and it lasted three weeks and ended with pleurisy. The first week my fever was hitting 103 at least once a day and I just spent that whole week in a miserable shaking, occasionally blacking-out haze.

      Also, thinking ‘Oh, season 2 of Hannibal is finally on Amazon Prime. This week is as good a time as any to re-watch it” is a BAD IDEA. Hannibal is already a fever dream of a show. The flu does not help.

      1. ramina +2

        My sister came down with norovirus shortly after eating Panera once, and that has ruined the entire place for her.

    4. KayHay +8

      A layover in the Las Vegas airport is pretty unsettling even when healthy and unmedicated.

      1. Catandrist +2

        It was awful, just terrible. I’m convinced my flu wouldn’t have been so severe if I hadn’t stopped over in Las Vegas.

    5. SmrtCookie +7

      My mom constantly has “the flu.” And she gets pissed when I correct her. Because she feels really bad okay??! And she’s sneezing a lot and her throat is sore?? I just…. NO.

    6. silveraspen +10

      Truth.

      Also, advice to all Toasties – when afflicted by the flu and lying on a couch, fevered and unable to move or do anything except read (some), if anyone offers you a copy of Stephen King’s The Stand for light reading while you recover… say NO.

      (My dad meant well! He just didn’t look at the plot synopsis before giving me the book, and I was young and had no idea.)

    7. LeastBittern +7

      Some years ago I got laid off, the spouse had been out of work for some months, and our lease ran out unexpectedly early. (We were not the best at adulting.) While we were preparing to move back in with our respective parents, we got the flu. I got it during the packing period – so I spent days weeping and listlessly putting things into boxes and occasionally lying facedown on the floor and petting the carpet while my husband tried to get me to go to bed – and he got it on the day we moved, wherein he actually fell down the stairs after insisting we couldn’t move a mattress without him.

      I have a LIST of the people who helped us move, may their names be sung in heaven, and a LIST of the people who said they would and then it turned out they were actually helping a different person move, haha, why would we expect that of them? How UNREASONABLE of us.

      1. Catandrist +2

        HOW DID YOU SURVIVE? I don’t think I would have survived that. Seriously, we just moved, both of us the picture of health, and we were WRECKED for like a month afterward.

    8. vmartinipie +4

      Seriously. I was borderline delirious with fever, was terrified about the world ending in a fiery orange ball of flame, and unable to walk to the bathroom without assistance. Sneezes and a bit of a fever do not a flu make! But also: AWWW SMUDGE.

    9. surelyblossom +6

      I also got the flu shortly after adopting a cat. I would wake up and think, “where is Owen?” and then, without moving, I would just lie there figuring out the warmest part on my body and that’s where he was, snuggling with me and purring his heart out. For more than a week I only got out of bed to feed him and force myself to drink orange juice and eat toast. He was like, “I have hit the jackpot in this new home! This human never moves and is pleasantly cuddly but not too grabby. Sure, she sweats a lot, mutters in her sleep, and has a disgustingly runny nose, but she never leaves the bed!” He was deeply disappointed when I went back to work but I also think it bonded us more deeply than I have with any other pet.

  20. PRockette +11

    I too will watch any British detective show. Especially the gloomy atmospheric ones with jaded detectives. So of course, I started watching Broadchurch. I’m at episode 5 in series 1. And I had nightmares all last night. It wound me up more than The Fall. All night, waking up from dreams with a lingering sense of creeping dread. It was horrible.

  21. AmazingSandwich +9

    Thorin wanders out alone to meet the enemy while Dispatch’s “The General” plays.

    Well, that fills my “laughter that is indistinguishable from screeching” quota for the month.

  22. houblonchouffe +18

    “That Guy Who Isn’t You”: one of the best pieces I have ever read on the systemic sexism and violence women face from childhood on up.

    Seriously go read it, though be aware there are lots of situations discussed therein that may be triggering.

  23. Kitling +31

    Okaaaay that AWL concessionist link made me deeply, deeply uncomfortable. So I expect men are probably statistically more likely to cheat and I’m usually all for taking historical and present wider context into account in individual problems. I get that the concessionist also agreed that she was ‘a nutcase’ (which is actually inappropriate but let’s not go there for the moment). But “Oh acting in a totally unreasonable, jealous, possessive way is understandable for women because History” is actually quite horrible to women. I kind of resent the implication that jealousy is female behaviour.

    For one thing from my personal anecdotal experience, I’ve found that men are just as (if not more) possessive and controlling than women in relationships. But I suspect it’s basically a fault that’s not that gendered either way. It seems to me very unfair to imply this is a more female problem, even if they’re suggesting that is men’s fault.

    Secondly there is another woman involved here, the friend. Does she not get any consideration? She is being treated as some sort of stereotype of scarlet lady ready to sink her claws etc, etc and losing a friend in the process.

    Thirdly trying to isolate your partner from their friends and control whom they talk to is a really dodgy semi-abusive thing to do and I’m just not okay with justifying that. Especially when the justification involves making sweeping statements about all women.

    1. PonyAlong +8

      Completely agreeing with you, 100%!

      For context: I am childless and currently job-free. Without going into gobs of detail, I have two male friends who are in committed relationships. We all hang out at the barn where we have our horses; we ride together, share stories about other boarders, etc.

      NO-ONE has tried isolating each other, my partner is FINE with horse-dudes 1 & 2 because everyone has known each other for years and lastly, duh, we trust each other not to get “stupid” AKA “jealous and possessive”.

      1. Kitling +11

        Exactly, right?! I mean jealousy is not only toxic, it’s stupid. It’s just so pointless controlling people’s friends and behaviour because if someone wants to cheat on you, they just will. If you genuinely can’t trust someone not to cheat on you then you shouldn’t be going out with them. If you do, then why are you trying to control their behaviour?!

        Also, this stupid stereotype of the jealous girlfriend has once been used against me in such a horrible way. I was once going out with a guy who told me that he thought that his best friend (who is a woman) was in love with him. My reaction was just ‘Oh that’s very awkward. And sad for her.’ Turns out he was mistaken, though understandably so for reasons I won’t go into. But they then insisted on treating me like I had a massive problem with them being friends! It was so bizarre, it was like they were so wedded to this ‘jealous girlfriend feels threatened by female friend’ stereotype that they couldn’t actually see how I behaved. To give you some idea of how non-jealous a person I am, my current boyfriend whom I trust completely went on holiday for a month with his female friend and I was like ‘Oh cool, wish I could have come too!’

    2. bibliobotic +5

      Agreed! The actual advice (you two should break up!) was sound, but why was it buried in all that… all that yuck?

    3. drashizu +11

      yeah, I wish this question had been answered by Captain Awkward or someone else, because it was handled really badly and awkwardly and weirdly (like, a heterosexual couple is closer to being the same “gender” than single people…? what???) It was just nonsensical and when it wasn’t nonsensical it was not good.

      1. irishbreakfasttime +3

        I bet the Captain *has* answered this at some point! I hope the LW googles some relevant keywords and finds her wisdom on the subject.

        [secretly holding out for Bad Advisor response tho]

    1. paddlepickle +3

      I am glad you posted this, because my book club read Station Eleven this month and An Untamed State the month before! I think I would have voted Station Eleven, though it’s a tough competition for sure. And yes, Untamed State is extremely brutal.

    2. idrathernot +1

      an untamed state is sooooooooooooooo good. give it a chance! i am a huge baby and the brutality of it is so well written and integral to understanding the story that it works AMAZINGLY.

  25. vmartinipie +1

    Cursed west coast time difference means this is low down but! There was some interest in the open thread last week in a BAY AREA TOASTIE meetup. Any new takers who didn’t see this on Friday? The idea of picnic got floated around, let’s pray it stays nice!

      1. vmartinipie +1

        Hmmm it was on the second page, I posted it, but it contained no useful information other than gauging interest. I haven’t yet decided where/when it will be, but there seems to be a good amount of toasties who want to do it!

        1. OliviaPJones +1

          I am drowning in grad school but would dig it! As long as it was in a slightly less narrow place than the last Oakland meetup. Picnics are nice, as are other things! Were you thinking this month?

  26. typewriterandgramophone +14

    She didn’t like Bletchley Circle OR Miss Fisher? She could write like John Cheever and Dorothy L. Sayers had a daughter who took writing lessons from George Eliot and I’d *still* be shaking my head.

  27. cleoreads +17

    That Gene Kelly video just made me happy.

    I’m not sure what’s more amazing – the tap dancing on roller skates, the skating backwards without falling down, or doing all of it in a suit and never losing his hat.

    Makes the current batch of hoodie wearing, parents’ basement living, man-child acting romantic leads look more pathetic than usual.

  28. briardain +3

    I know this will sound smug, but as soon as I heard they were stretching the Hobbit into 3 movies I said nope. I jokingly said I would wait for the fan edit. And there is a fan-edit, down to 4.5 hours for all 3 movies, and it was quite good, though I still had a bad vibe that I couldn’t quite name until Nicole said “I’m going for a video game.” A lot of the things you mention I did not see, and thank you for making me more grateful for that. 🙂 https://tolkieneditor.wordpress.com/

  29. leahrobinn +2

    Miss Fisher is just so, so bad and clunky and cheap-looking and AWFUL and I am glad someone else has finally announced their dislike of it.
    I cultural cringe so hard about that show, it is physically painful for me to watch. I mean, was, for the first two episodes before I gave up on it forever and also sold my entire collection of the books.
    Come at me.

  32. Bittersweet

    Can you imagine how he would screw up the whole Turin Turambar saga?

    No, don't. Don't imagine that. Let's move on.