Previously in this series: If Michelle Obama Were Your Girlfriend.
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, your guilty pleasure Mumford and Sons air-banjo jam sessions would no longer be furtive or suspect.
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, he would accompany you to the comic book store every Wednesday to pick up your new issues. Your Comic Book Guy would know you both by name, but you’d be delighted when he occasionally slipped up and called you “Misty and Luke.”
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, the game of golf would never be watched, mentioned, or played by either of you. There would be no discussion of this; it would simply be a mutual understanding.
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, he would accept that your definition of “working out” is watching him work out and then posting pictures of his deadlifts on Instagram while eating jellybeans by the handful.
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, it would not be unusual for you to read aloud to each other. “Keep going, babe,” he’d say after you finished a page of whatever supernaturally themed YA novel you were reading that week.
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, you would not become a complete sneakerhead, but you would begin to appreciate the occasional designer Nike.
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, you would most certainly become a slouchy knitted woollen hat sort of person. They would not make you look like an angsty teen, nor would they matt down your hair.
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, he would never present you with a pink or baby blue tee or jersey from that baseball team you love and then expect you to be excited about it. Idris Elba would never try to force upon you any of the sexist, patronising merchandise the MLB churns out. The only argument you would ever have about any jersey is whether or not it is part of a “kit.”
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, you would die knowing you’d done well by your thirteen-year-old self. “This is way better than Orlando Bloom,” you’d murmur, going through old middle school yearbooks.
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, he would graciously offer to drink for you during your fourth losing round of beer pong, but your honour would be at stake so he wouldn’t be pushy about it.
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, he’d bring you to all his DJing gigs, even though you would staunchly refuse to refer to him as “DJ Big Driss.”
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, there’s a good chance he would accidentally sext your best friend a few times, because Idris Elba has your best friend’s number programmed on speed dial next to yours for emergencies (such as: “I was thinking of recording a selection of sonnets for her birthday, and I want your opinion…wait, you think she’d want Shel Silverstein? Thanks, love” or “I’m surprising her after work tonight — which Lush bath bombs would she prefer?”). He’d make it up to the both of you with cookies from that bakery in SoHo you love so much.
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, your grandmother would finally stop flying in Good Black Men™ for you to meet at the Jack & Jill events she hosts in her suburban Atlanta retirement village.
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend he would deliver his “Tonight, we cancel the apocolypse” speech from Pacfic Rim to your girl scout troop after a disappointing first week of cookie sales. Inspiration sets in and your troop would conquer the city.
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, he would very calmly and patiently guide you through the steps of parallel parking on a city street and wouldn’t complain or make you drop him off in front of the apartment first, even after that one time it took ten tries and the better part of an hour to get into a space big enough for two Hummers. (He would never bring that up.)
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, there would be a point early on in your relationship when you would casually say, “I hate when people give me flowers. Like, why would you say ‘thank you’ by giving me something I have to be responsible for until it dies?” The Sunday after your third anniversary, you and some of your friends would be sitting at the breakfast nook in your Harlem brownstone while Idris Elba cooks brunch on the stove, and one friend – who is kind of a pot stirrer – would look around the room and joke, “No flowers for your anniversary?” Idris Elba would finish flipping a crepe before he glanced over at you, and his face would be utterly serious as he said, “I would never do that to you, babe.”
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, he would not complain when you abuse Kirby’s down + B move in Super Smash Brothers.
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, he would start slowly replacing your Tetly and Bigelow tea bags with organic and local loose-leaf teas and cute tea strainers. Neither one of you would really mention it or get pretentious about it, but you’d be thankful every lazy autumn morning.
Idris Elba would never ask you “When are you going to watch The Wire?” like all your white guy friends.
Idris Elba would ask you things like, “Should I grab a case of red or white from that vineyard I was telling you about? Never mind, I’ll get both,” before catching his flight back from filming the new Bond film outside Bordeaux. He wouldn’t make you get off the couch to go get him from the airport (even though you offered), he’d just join you in front of the television when he got home. You’d kiss him hello, pour two glasses of wine, and snuggle in next to him for a marathon Netflix session. Because Idris Elba would always understand that sometimes, a girl just needs to rewatch The West Wing straight through for the ninth time, okay?
Tags: beauty, idris elba, kendra james, relationships
Every new one of these is my favorite. That said, this one is my favorite.
I’ll be in my bunk.
ARE YOU THOUGH. This feeling is so subtle yet all-consuming. The English language doesn’t have the words I need – I can only resort to uttering noises from the depths of my lizard-brain: “UNF.”
I wish he was my boy friend, every day all day!❤
I CAN’T EVEN READ THIS YET
I CLICKED ON THIS KNOWING I WOULD SEIZE POWERFULLY
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, the game of golf would never be watched, mentioned, or played by either of you. There would be no discussion of this; it would simply be a mutual understanding.
I AM HERE, IDRIS!
For the parallel parking thing alone…. damn.
Idris would tell you hilarious stories about how Prometheus turned out to be such a complete shitshow. “Oh, and the best bit!” would be the cue to hunker down and learn about how studio infighting and directorial egos ruined what could have been a very entertaining spooky movie. He would sometimes threaten to bust out the concertina and you’d laugh until you were sick between yelling, “Not the squeezy soundbox, no, anything but that!” He would, inevitably, know exactly where you’d hidden it last time.
WAIT IDRIS ELBA CAN PLAY THE CONCERTINA?
Not necessarily well, but his cheeful “pick one: excellent sex or accordion concerto” (TM Cleolinda) is one of the tiny handful of redeeming moments in the movie.
*pictures Idris Elba as a jaunty 19th-century sailor playing his concertina on a Liverpool pier*
If Idris Elba were my boyfriend, I would only call him DJ Big Driss as joke, in bed.
I’m already a slouchy woolen hat kind of person, so I’m like halfway there, right?
This entire series is such a gift.
I WOULD BE A GIRL SCOUT TROOP LEADER JUST FOR THIS EXPERIENCE
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend he would deliver his “Tonight, we cancel the apocolypse” speech from Pacfic Rim to your girl scout troop after a disappointing first week of cookie sales. Inspiration sets in and your troop would conquer the city.
BUT I’M ACTUALLY DYING I NEED THIS NOW I NEED THIS AS A SHORT FILM THAT WILL WIN EVERY AWARD IN THE GALAXY
I’m a Twinings type of girl, and the only person who would ever be able to touch my Twinings would be Idris Elba. Anybody else?
I would calmly and serenely choke them to death with my tiny, delicate hands. It was thus take a little longer, but their death would happen.
If Idris taught me, I think I’d finally figure out parallel parking.
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, you’d be able to borrow all of his gorgeous woolen cable knit sweaters on cold winter mornings. He’d event warm them up for you.
why did this make me cry
And that’s how I missed my connecting bus and ended up halfway to Culver City.
Hearing “Keep going, babe,” in Idris Elba’s voice and losing my ability to function. Its imaginary power is so great that I actually feel my insides resonating.
Just imagine all the contexts.
Oh, I am. I am.
::swoons::
::swoons again::
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, he wouldn’t complain that your feet were cold. He’d just reach down and hold them in his hands until they warmed up.
Omfg
NOBODY TOUCH ME.
OKAY BUT THE KIRBY MOMENT SLAYED ME.
dang. I can’t with this series, you are Trying. To. Kill. Me.
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, you would totally be cool with his casually draping his arm over your shoulder while you walked, because it wouldn’t make the two of you weird and uncoordinated, nor would he accidentally strangle you.
KING DRIIS!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sH5QDM7TH6I
In my mind I’m afraid there’s no version of “If Idris Elba Were Your Boyfriend” that is even remotely SFW.
I fail to see a negative to this statement.
For a while, cabs were driving around Boston with ads for Tanqueray featuring Idris making the most “I just made a dad joke” face ever. It’s hard to describe beyond that but I smiled every time.
There is a giant billboard directly across from my office window that has a rotating display. It displayed this ad for a month, and one of the images was of him handing a G&T to you with a wink. Productivity may have suffered, but morale was very high.
Clearly I have not played enough Super Smash Bros, because I cannot imagine how one would abuse Kirby’s down-B,as opposed to falling ineffectually and then being punished mercilessly–or not, depending on your friend’s reserve capacities of mercy.
This post made me physically sick with jealousy. My entire life is worthless garbage because Idris Elba isn’t my boyfriend and I’ll never get to see him roll out of bed in the morning to bring me a cuppa, cradling the mug in his hands so he can give it to me handle first and only laugh when my sleepy malcoordination means I spill a bit on his thumb, sucking the tea off and kissing me before he heads off to the gym. (Idris Elba never has morning breath.)
I love idris elba! great rapper 🙂
This is the one. This is the one that kills me dead.
Idris Elba would never ask you “When are you going to watch The Wire?” like all your white guy friends.
This is too perfect for words
This is the one that hit home for me.
“If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, he would graciously offer to drink for you during your fourth losing round of beer pong, but your honour would be at stake so he wouldn’t be pushy about it.”
my favorite
My partner of nearly five years just left me. (The night before April Fool’s Day, of all the possible timing.) I needed this.
Thank you, Kendra. And thank Idris for existing.
I’m so sorry <3
your expartner is a do-do head.
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, he would take a genuine interest in your knitting hobby, and he would wear everything you made for him. You’d even make him another cable-knit sweater, Sweater Curse be damned, and it would quickly become his favorite. Eventually he’d ask you to teach him how to knit, and that would become your “quiet night at home” activity together. The very first project that he’d finish would be a slouchy hat for you. It’s a bit big and would have a couple mistakes, but you’d wear it everywhere with pride.
Son of a gun, I’d wear every single item Idris Elba knitted me, and would find, after a while, that no other clothing would do.
Oh god I can picture all of that. It’s…oh god it’s too sweet and perfect for words. aaaaaahhhh
There are so many shibboleths in this one that I don’t even know where to begin
“If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, your grandmother would finally stop flying in Good Black Men™ for you to meet at the Jack & Jill events she hosts in her suburban Atlanta retirement village.”
But rest assured it is PERFECTION it is EVERYTHING it is so specific and yet so universal and. It speaks to me.
This is the greatest thing an Oberlin alumn has ever produced. Aluminum, the Lion King, the Bechdel test…it all pales. Ben & Jerry’s is like, REALLY close, but this is the best thing.
Swwooooooooonnnn. I am swooning. (Although I bet I could out-parallel-park him.)
That bit about the YA novel melted my heart.
When I saw the subject of this week’s Boyfriend I made a tiny involuntary yearning sound and then I whispered “Yeeeeeeessssssss.”
And you did not disappoint.
Oh lawwwd let it come to pass
Can I have this boyfriend? This one, right here?
I have this regular little fantasy that Idris Elba and I meet, and he turns out to be reeally funny and kind and cnfident-but-not-arrogant yet also really into a lot of the stuff I’m into? Like, not all of it, but the stuff he isn’t into he’s really pleased to be learning about. And we become really good friends with some sexual tension, because apparently what Idris Elba is really into is overweight pasty girls with weird hair.
But nothing happends, because I’m married, and he doesn’t feel comfortable with an open thing even though I tell him it’s fine until one night we get drunk together (him me and my husband) and he confesses that he’s bi… and then it’s a porn film for a bit, never you mind.
And after that, he makes sweet, sly comments abou his ‘partners’ in all his interviews and he brings little souveniers back from his films and it is wonderful.
To be fair, it was a white woman who harangued me into watching The Wire “I need someone to talk about this with!” so I started torrenting into despair. But then she bought me the dvd box for my birthday later that year!
I like Prometheus. Doesn’t it just burn when you face me?
(I suspect the Wire thing is just white people period)
Guessing that my boyfriend wishes Idris Elba was his boyfriend right about now, as I can no longer quietly ignore boyfriend’s Kirby down-B abuse! There are other buttons, man! Stop killing me so hard all the time!
Also, boyfriend loves Idris Elba maybe even more than we do.
In other news, I would like to offer to teach all of The Toast to parallel park. I am way more patient and less obtuse than A Dad.
Between this post, buying (more) Easter candy, and new Janelle Monáe, I do believe this is the best Wednesday to have ever existed. SO HAPPY.
I’m just
it’s
because all of the
my heart oh
oh
I thought the Girl Scout one would be the best, but I am in awe of anyone who can accept the flagrant abuse of Kirby’s down + B move (my sister was always Kirby).
BEST.
ASGHFLKGHHEWTIJAEIRO
Forever and ever on my Trapper Keeper. Stringer Bell, man of many turtlenecks.
Everything about this is amazing.
Take me Idris. Take me like I’m notes on criminal f@cking conspiracy.
*cries* thank you.
I can’t take these columns anymore, my heart is too weak.
I can't take these columns anymore, my heart is too weak.
I think I’m about to leave my partner of nearly 12 years. I’m not sure if this is helping or destroying me.
(sorry that your partner is a poo)
Edit: ack, this was supposed to go to C.M. Stone above. Thanks for putting this right out there, intensedebate!
Natalie, STOOOPPPP *sobs because this is not my life*
Because Idris Elba would always understand that sometimes, a girl just needs to rewatch The West Wing straight through for the ninth time, okay?
This is the kind of man I need in my life.
If Idris Elba was my boyfriend, he would already understand that I already watched “The Wire,” because that is where I first laid eyes on him and fell in love.
Idris Elba showing up to my house with two bottles of wine (the white somehow magically chilled although he just got off a plane) and then cuddling on the couch with me to watch netflix is now my #1 fantasy ever.
I just want it known that 10 months later I still read this when I need sustenance