Jasmine Guillory’s work for The Toast can be found here.
Previously in this series: If John Cho Were Your Boyfriend.
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, she would make you get up and go to the gym with her at 5:30 in the morning every day, but she would stand next to you and lovingly cheer you on the whole time, cheering loudest when you finally managed to do one whole push-up.
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, you would automatically get four inches taller.
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, Center Stage would come back to Netflix streaming, and the two of you would watch it together at least once a month. Michelle would always make popcorn (on the stovetop) and you would open a bottle of wine.
If Michelle Obama was your girlfriend, she would go shopping with you on a rushed trip to find a dress to wear to a wedding. She would reach into the racks and pull out the perfect flirty little patterned dress. It would fit like it was made for you, and it would be on sale.
You know how you feel when you walk down the street with your headphones on listening to Run This Town? That’s how you would feel all the time if Michelle Obama were your girlfriend.
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, Beyoncé would call to sing Happy Birthday to you.
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, all of your friends would ask you what it’s really like to hug her, and your powers of metaphor would be sorely tested. “It’s like being embraced by a warm pillow of strength,” you would say, and then stop yourself. “No, no, it’s like…you know how warm the water is in the Caribbean? But still refreshing? It’s like that.” “Wait, no, that’s not good enough. It’s like eating the best grilled cheese sandwich that you’ve ever had, inside on a rainy day, with a soft blanket on top of you, but you know that as soon as you want to go outside the sun will come out and it will be a perfect 72 degrees.”
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, when your grandmother starts to say something about your weight, Michelle would make a face at her and your grandmother would instead offer you some cheese and crackers.
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, you would have perfect posture.
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, she would teach you a new and delicious way of cooking that vegetable that you’ve hated your whole life.
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, Shonda Rhimes would ask you to get drinks, just because. When you got there, Kerry Washington would be there along with her. She would show you pictures of her baby and let you try on one of her lipsticks.
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, you would get home from work after a shitty day and she would have your favorite pie waiting on the kitchen table for you.
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, you would stop in a bookstore together after lunch with Oprah, and after five minutes of solo browsing, you would hear Michelle’s voice from back of the store. You would follow the sound and see her surrounded by children, reading Green Eggs and Ham out loud to them, as she made all sorts of funny faces. Their parents would hug you both before you left.
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, not only would she be front and center during the Electric Slide at your next family wedding, she would also teach all of your aunts and uncles how to dougie. At the bachelorette party, she would have a dance-off with the bride (she’d win, obviously; she’s Michelle Obama).
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, when you went out to dinner together, one of you would say something to set the other off, and soon you would both be laughing so hard, with those big deep belly laughs that you can’t hold in, and people in the restaurant would give you envious looks and just wish they were having as much fun as you.
Tags: beauty, jasmine guillory, michelle obama, relationships
I didn’t realize how badly I want to be Michelle Obama’s girlfriend until right this moment.
“You know how you feel when you walk down the street with your headphones on listening to Run This Town? That’s how you would feel all the time if Michelle Obama were your girlfriend.” <— THIS FEELING
YES, yes, a thousand times yes.
oh jesus hell
It is my sincerest hope that somehow, some way, Michelle Obama sees this.
I want Barack Obama to confirm/deny every single bullet point.
*crosses fingers that someone has tweeted it to her*
Well, I don’t know if anyone else has, but I definitely just did. #loveuInternet
“It’s like being embraced by a warm pillow of strength,” you would say, and then stop yourself. “No, no, it’s like…you know how warm the water is in the Caribbean? But still refreshing? It’s like that.” this whole paragraph just completely fucking DESTROYS. AUUGGHGHHAHGHG take me to that grilled cheese sandwich and sunny day now please
I didn’t realize I needed this until today.
Can you even imagine having not only her undivided attention, but affections as well? She’d cut through me like a laser through already-melted butter, creating a delicious light show.
This is perfect. So much poise, strength, and kindness!
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, you would stop in a bookstore together after lunch with Oprah, and after five minutes of solo browsing, you would hear Michelle’s voice from back of the store. You would follow the sound and see her surrounded by children, reading Green Eggs and Ham out loud to them, as she made all sorts of funny faces. Their parents would hug you both before you left.
OH NO MY HEART JUST GREW THREE SIZES
If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, she would teach you a new and delicious way of cooking that vegetable that you’ve hated your whole life.
Last night I realized that if I salt + fry + put eggplant into peanut soup, I like eggplant for the first time ever. IS MICHELLE OBAMA MY GIRLFRIEND? (She asked hopefully.)
Michelle Obama isn’t really my girlfriend but I feel completely understood just by reading this article. How is that possible?
“If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, when your grandmother starts to say something about your weight, Michelle would make a face at her and your grandmother would instead offer you some cheese and crackers.”
This seems a bit at odds with Michelle Obama’s extremely prominent anti-obesity campaigning.
I have to believe that if Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, she would make you go to the gym and cook vegetables with you (see above), but not give you shit about your weight. (She wold also not give you cheese and crackers; that would be your grandmother.) Michelle Obama is polite even if she is not your girlfriend.
Michelle Obama would realize that fat-shaming is counter-productive, and that a miserable relationship with food is counterproductive to good health.
Yes, but she’d encourage working out, rather than criticizing weight.
Has she ever actually shamed fat people or supported fat-shaming around her? All I’ve seen of her campaign is encouraging people (especially kids) to be healthier and more active. The childhood obesity rates in this country are not a joke. So I’m wondering how you think she should campaign differently to promote health rather than shame anyone.
Also, anti-obesity =/= fat-shaming.
In my opinion, literally do the exact same programs, everything is the same, except stop talking about obesity as the problem. The problem is inactivity and bad health, not obesity.
THANK YOU. YES.
I feel like Michelle Obama would be completely supportive of your attempts to eat better and make delicious dinners with you. She might even try to drag you to coupley exercisey things, which I wouldn’t be down for at all but other people wouldn’t really mind. I get the feeling she’d want your grandmother to back off and for your weight to be something you talk about with your doctor or your nutritionist or someone else who actually knows what they’re talking about.
I’m just saying I think it would feel really good to be smiled at by her.
And I urge you try this for your popcorn. It seems to be just the right size to pop them all before burning starts. http://www.target.com/p/calphalon-kitchen-essenti…
Dammit, now I have a sudden incredible ache to try out Kerry Washington’s lipstick.
Yep, I want Michelle Obama to be my girlfriend, but Kerry Washington to be my BEST friend.
If Michelle Obama were my girlfriend, I might actually respond to being woken up at 5:30 in the morning with something other than profanity.
*happy gasping*
Ugh I really need someone to correct my posture. Michelle Obama would inspire me to sit up straighter, stand taller, and be badasser.
Literally just sat up straight in my chair in response to this comment.
f Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, you would have perfect posture.
*straightens up*
Ditto.
Jasmine, I too work in Oakland. We need to get cheese and talk about Scandal.
YES, yes, a thousand times yes.
Michelle Obama is the one person my partner can sleep with and I wouldn’t even be mad.
THOSE ARMS. How could you *not*?
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/26/fashion/for-mic…
If Michelle Obama were my girlfriend, I would be PRESIDENT!!
(cause you know Barack would not have made it there without her)