If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, you might become the kind of person who likes going to the gym. You’d take a stroll on the treadmill, enjoy a smoothie, and maybe take a nap in the sauna. Then you and Chris Evans would go out for brunch. You’d ask for extra whipped cream on your pancakes. After all, you and Chris Evans both know that you deserve it.
If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, the two of you would rescue a puppy together. You’d find him on your way home from brunch one Sunday. He’d look pretty shaky at first, but the vet would say he’d pull through, and you’d take turns feeding him with a bottle and teaching him how to walk downstairs. Chris Evans would name him Bucky.
If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, the two of you would eventually end up owning seven dogs in total, who may or may not be named after the Avengers. You’d always wake up to someone jumping on the bed with a bark of excitement, nuzzling your ear. Sometimes it would be the dogs. Mostly it would be Chris Evans.
If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, you would watch football with him sometimes, and he would sit through the entire new fall TV lineup with you and agree with all of your opinions (“You’re right, sweetie, it’s ridiculous that this show is set in New York but there are no people of color on it”).
If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, you’d get him a copy of Slouching Towards Bethlehem because you love it so much. He wouldn’t read it all the way through, but for your birthday, he’d get you both tickets to see the Joan Didion documentary at the Arclight.
If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, you’d tell him without shame how you much you enjoyed the Justice League cartoons, because at least they tried to be diverse when in contrast, GOSH, is MCU full of white dudes. He’d listen, but you know he can’t do anything about it, because Marvel has his heart chained in a box in the bottom of the Atlantic until he finishes his last film.
If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, you would love the Red Sox. Don’t fight it; you would.
If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, you would definitely hang out with his mom. Except she would be more like your cool aunt. You’d volunteer at Planned Parenthood together and she’d tell you about protesting in the ’70s. She would be encouraging when you tell her that you want to quit your job to open a bakery.
If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, he would also be friends with YOUR mom. Sometimes, while reading a book, you would hear Chris talking on the phone in the other room. “Oh, no, she’s good, she’s doing really well. Alright. Great talking to you.” “Who was that?” you’d ask, even though you already know.”Oh, it’s your mom! She was asking me about my brothers and about you and everything. I told her what happens in Age of Ultron. I mean, I know I shouldn’t,” he would say, seeing the look on your face. “But she’s your mom! I can’t help it.”
If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, you would have a candle that smelled like him to burn on his long, long press tours.
If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, he’d eventually retire from acting. He wants to do other things, after all. He wants to direct. But mostly he wants to renovate a cottage on the coast of Maine, where you will both wear a lot of wool and flannel. You’ll work on your novel; Chris Evans will work on his shrine to Tom Brady.
If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, on days where you felt totally overwhelmed, wandering around the house and picking up things at random like a gloomy poltergeist and just worrying and worrying, Chris Evans would say, “Hey, we’re going for a ride.” “What? No,” you would say, holding a ceramic figurine in your hand and trying to figure out how it got there. “There are SO MANY things I have to FINISH.” “Come ooon,” he would say with that puppyish hopefulness. “It’ll be fun! Let’s do something nice for ourselves.” You would grumble as you put on proper pants and shoes and crawled into the car, but on the route he takes the sunshine would hit your side of the car and gild you in warmth and light until you finally arrived at your favorite noodle shop, which has outdoor seating and bubble tea and spicy, heavy noodles. You would sit and Chris Evans would order your favorites, and then you would just talk about random stuff like books and woodworking and what countries you’ve been to and what you did the past week until you couldn’t remember why you were so overwhelmed. You’d fall asleep on the way home. He would sit on the couch to watch some game, and you would sit with him and ignore it and finish your work.
If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, New England would not be covered in snow right now. Mother Nature would be happy and proud that you and Chris Evans chose one another and keep his hometown free and clear of frost. Meteorologists would marvel at the way the blizzards just looped around the town, and you would be forever known as the legendary couple that saved Boston from the most terrible winter on record through the grace of your true love.