If Chris Evans Were Your Boyfriend

by Victoria Baritz & Sulagna Misra · February 19, 2015

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Previously in this series: If Channing Tatum Were Your Boyfriend & If Kristen Stewart Were Your Girlfriend.

If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, you might become the kind of person who likes going to the gym. You’d take a stroll on the treadmill, enjoy a smoothie, and maybe take a nap in the sauna. Then you and Chris Evans would go out for brunch. You’d ask for extra whipped cream on your pancakes. After all, you and Chris Evans both know that you deserve it.

If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, the two of you would rescue a puppy together. You’d find him on your way home from brunch one Sunday. He’d look pretty shaky at first, but the vet would say he’d pull through, and you’d take turns feeding him with a bottle and teaching him how to walk downstairs. Chris Evans would name him Bucky.

If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, the two of you would eventually end up owning seven dogs in total, who may or may not be named after the Avengers. You’d always wake up to someone jumping on the bed with a bark of excitement, nuzzling your ear. Sometimes it would be the dogs. Mostly it would be Chris Evans.

If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, you would watch football with him sometimes, and he would sit through the entire new fall TV lineup with you and agree with all of your opinions (“You’re right, sweetie, it’s ridiculous that this show is set in New York but there are no people of color on it”).

If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, you’d get him a copy of Slouching Towards Bethlehem because you love it so much. He wouldn’t read it all the way through, but for your birthday, he’d get you both tickets to see the Joan Didion documentary at the Arclight.

If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, you’d tell him without shame how you much you enjoyed the Justice League cartoons, because at least they tried to be diverse when in contrast, GOSH, is MCU full of white dudes. He’d listen, but you know he can’t do anything about it, because Marvel has his heart chained in a box in the bottom of the Atlantic until he finishes his last film.

If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, you would love the Red Sox. Don’t fight it; you would.

If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, you would definitely hang out with his mom. Except she would be more like your cool aunt. You’d volunteer at Planned Parenthood together and she’d tell you about protesting in the ’70s. She would be encouraging when you tell her that you want to quit your job to open a bakery.

If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, he would also be friends with YOUR mom. Sometimes, while reading a book, you would hear Chris talking on the phone in the other room. “Oh, no, she’s good, she’s doing really well. Alright. Great talking to you.” “Who was that?” you’d ask, even though you already know.”Oh, it’s your mom! She was asking me about my brothers and about you and everything. I told her what happens in Age of Ultron. I mean, I know I shouldn’t,” he would say, seeing the look on your face. “But she’s your mom! I can’t help it.”

If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, you would have a candle that smelled like him to burn on his long, long press tours.

If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, he’d eventually retire from acting. He wants to do other things, after all. He wants to direct. But mostly he wants to renovate a cottage on the coast of Maine, where you will both wear a lot of wool and flannel. You’ll work on your novel; Chris Evans will work on his shrine to Tom Brady.

If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, on days where you felt totally overwhelmed, wandering around the house and picking up things at random like a gloomy poltergeist and just worrying and worrying, Chris Evans would say, “Hey, we’re going for a ride.” “What? No,” you would say, holding a ceramic figurine in your hand and trying to figure out how it got there. “There are SO MANY things I have to FINISH.” “Come ooon,” he would say with that puppyish hopefulness. “It’ll be fun! Let’s do something nice for ourselves.” You would grumble as you put on proper pants and shoes and crawled into the car, but on the route he takes the sunshine would hit your side of the car and gild you in warmth and light until you finally arrived at your favorite noodle shop, which has outdoor seating and bubble tea and spicy, heavy noodles. You would sit and Chris Evans would order your favorites, and then you would just talk about random stuff like books and woodworking and what countries you’ve been to and what you did the past week until you couldn’t remember why you were so overwhelmed. You’d fall asleep on the way home. He would sit on the couch to watch some game, and you would sit with him and ignore it and finish your work.

If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, New England would not be covered in snow right now. Mother Nature would be happy and proud that you and Chris Evans chose one another and keep his hometown free and clear of frost. Meteorologists would marvel at the way the blizzards just looped around the town, and you would be forever known as the legendary couple that saved Boston from the most terrible winter on record through the grace of your true love.

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171 Comments

  3. foxinthe_snow +64

    I fear that the fact that I am a cat person is what will tear our love apart.

    I’m sorry, Chris Evans. I cannot give cats up, not even for you.

    3. Elizabeth W +8

      I have promised my twitter feed many times that I would become a dog person for Chris Evans. (But I’m keeping my cat.) (This would be a huge identity change, but for the love of Chris Evans, I am up for it.)

    4. msjinxie +76

      If you were Chris Evans’ girlfriend, he would secretly grow to love your cat, even if he would never admit it out loud. One day you’d come home early from work to find them napping together on the couch.

      1. foxinthe_snow +39

        Don’t toy with me! Now I can never settle for anything less than Chris Evans: Secret Cat Person.

  4. rathermarvelous +218

    If I’m being honest, Chris Evans is the ultimate Sweet Handsome Guy I Would Enjoy Topping Mercilessly

    2. guestguest +23

      “Sweet Handsome Guys I Would Enjoy Topping Mercilessly” <— the name of a The Toast piece I would read over and over again, along with its companion piece “Guys Who Are Probably Terrible But I Would Enjoy Topping Anyway Even Though Hate-Topping is Inadvisable”.

  5. ppyajunebug +139

    If Chris Evans was your boyfriend, he’d grab your left boob while laughing and you would never, ever complain.

    Bless his heart.

    1. mrtafadhali +78

      If Chris Evans were my boyfriend, he would dig my car out of the snow in the morning so that I don’t have to and then come back with Dunkin just as I’m waking up. They would have chocolate frosted, because you always have chocolate frosted when Chris Evans shows up. He would put on the kettle for me because he knows I think Dunkin has shit tea and he wouldn’t even complain about listening to me reminisce about the West Coast donuts I grew up on while I nonetheless devour this subpar Dunkin Donut.

      If Chris Evans were my boyfriend, his childlike joy about the snow would break me out of my dark and gloomy mood and we’d take walks by the Charles and try and make snow angels and he would effortless dig me out and lift me when I inevitably got buried alive.

      If Chris Evans were my boyfriend, he would text me pictures at work all day of funny things he sees in the snow, like bikes chained to the top of street signs, six feet above the ground, and lone side view mirrors sticking out of what otherwise appears to be a featureless wall of snow. Then he would text me about how he helped that guy dig his car out because it was “really buried in there” and how he also signed autographs as Captain America for that guy’s kids.

      If Chris Evans were my boyfriend, he would convince me that even though I have a grant review meeting all Saturday morning, there’s still time for a weekend ski getaway after that because it would be a crime to waste this powder. I wouldn’t even make fun of him for being a snowboarder.

      1. TheRenleigh +15

        This is the fantasy that will get me through this winter (but sub in a sausage, egg, and cheese on a croissant for the chocolate frosted).

      2. sansdromeda +34

        If Chris Evans were my boyfriend, he would make a snow fort in the back yard and gently coax me out of the house and into the fort. Inside would be an electric kettle for hot cocoa and blankets so we could have a small oasis of warmth and coziness, even in the unforgiving expanse of ice that our city has turned into.

        If Chris Evans were my boyfriend, we’d walk down the deserted streets to go to the park and have snowball fights with each other until we were both red-cheeked and laughing like maniacs. Then, we’d go to Burdick’s and have hot chocolate thick enough to eat with a spoon. No matter what we got, he would let me have some of his and it would always taste better than mine.

    2. Lily_Rowan +9

      Chris Evans is just visiting and doesn’t have to go to work every day. It’s not his fault. I would love it from inside or on vacation as well!

  8. GreenGrasses +60

    Bucky the puuuupppppyyyy!!!

    The detail of Chris Evans jumping up on the bed with an excited bark and licking my ear is almost too much handle.

  9. bread and roses +81

    If Chris Evans were your boyfriend you wouldn’t need dogs, because he is a ginormous golden retriever puppy himself.

    2. chnellociraptor +43

      I think about Edith’s piece all the time. Specifically “help me california” is a phrase that echoes in my brain at least once a month.

      1. ToastiewithCheese +24

        I honestly think the list of best celebrity profiles goes

        1. Frank Sinatra has a cold
        2. This one
        3. The rest

    4. PotterPotterson +23

      That article…was amazing. the look on my face the entire time I read it… basically a giant OMG for all 4 pages.

      Glorious.

    5. Battle_Swine +9

      That article is one of the best things I have read, ever. I’ve been afraid to read it again for fear that it won’t hold up. After this boyfriend post, though… I think it’s time.

    6. Claudia +45

      “Nailing it?”

      “You’re nailing it.”

      “You’re nailing it too,” he said. “I’m going to write an article about *you*.”

      Good God, that’s so amazing. Soooo amazing. So so so amazing.

      2. mirandawmeyer +9

        I have read the article I don’t even know how many times, and I am still gazing at this excerpt of it with a dopey grin. Save me.

    9. sednarea51 +40

      That article is how I found The Hairpin back in the day, and eventually, The Toast. So Chris Evans is NOT my boyfriend, but he still managed to lead me to a community of hilarious, caring, thoughtful ladies. His legend lives on! (Thanks, beardo.)

  11. Elisabeth +115

    If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, he’d be right there when your depression hit. He’d help you find a good counselor, and talk meds with you like you were discussing which laptop to buy, and lie beside you on the days when you couldn’t get out of bed. He’d start sentences “when my anxiety was really bad …” and somehow from him it would sound comforting instead of competitive.

    2. jld0340 +57

      Uuuggghhhh I’m going to cry this sounds so perfect your ideas are perfect Chris Evans is perfect we’re all perfect everything is perfect and nothing huuuuuurts

    5. jwhittz +15

      That’s the Chris Evans I need these days. This guy + visiting sick children and making blanket forts with them guy would make this stupid winter suddenly okay.

  13. projectbeks +19

    I think I’ll spend the rest of the day contemplating the bliss that is this hypothetical world you’ve created….

  14. archivesjulia +170

    If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, your ex Ryan Gosling would realize the errors of his ways and try so hard to get you back, but then Chris would sit down with him over beers and gently say, “Bro, if you love her, set her free.” Several weeks later, Ryan and his new girlfriend would begin to join you and Chris for couples game nights.

  15. keshchev +49

    I thought nobody would be able to beat Kristen Stewart, but … may I have them both? And lots and lots of puppies?

  17. beagee +32

    I already love the Red Sox – I’m partway there!!

    “I told her what happens in Age of Ultron.” This would be my mother. She loves to play this game. “I’m not gonna see it, anyway! Just tell me!” So you try to tell her, filling in details she might not know except when she says “I don’t care, just tell me the next bit.” Then she KNOWS and she is smug. Which means Evans would tell her about Age of Ultron & then she would immediately call MY phone and say “I know something you don’t knooooowwww.”

  18. hussified +60

    If Chris Evans was your boyfriend, you would watch all of the Oscars red carpet coverage with his brother Scott while Chris made some delicious snacks in the kitchen and concocted a special cocktail for the event. Then he would let you put your feet under his legs on the couch while the three of you moaned about the dearth of diversity among the nominees and bet pretzels on the first and last faces in the Death Montage. (Which makes you feel a little guilty, but it’s just Tradition now.)

  20. Natalie +55

    If Chris Evans were my boyfriend football season would be awesome because I’m a Packers fan and he’s a Pats fan. We would trash-talk mercilessly but good-naturedly, and we would frequently make wagers on games. The terms of these wagers would usually involve sexual favors and/or chores and/or revealing plot points to upcoming MCU movies.

    Both the Packers and the Patriots would make it to the Super Bowl, and he would score box tickets for us. The game would be epic – neck and neck the entire time. Then it goes into overtime. And then double overtime. Finally, the captains of both teams decide to call a truce and share the trophy, leading to the first and only Super Bowl that ended in a tie.

    1. mbculver +10

      <3<3<3 And then you both could build side-by-side shrines to Brady and Rodgers in your backyard. 😀

  21. jld0340 +66

    I just showed this to my Captain-America-obsessed roommate and she wailed, “WHY ISN’T CHRIS EVANS MY BOYFRIEND???” And I can’t say I don’t agree.

    This is perfect. Everything about this is perfect. THE DREAM~

  22. jwhittz +75

    Well, now I have to stop reading all future installments in this series.Chris Evans as my hypothetical celebrity boyfriend has ruined me for any other potential hypothetical celebrity boyfriends/girlfriends.

    …unless there’s one about Hayley Atwell in the works.

  23. srijanisays +18

    i would gladly become narcoleptic to have Chris Evans wake me up with his barks and ear-nuzzlings. He could even lick my entire face with our legion of pups extraordinaire.

      1. TheasyPeasy +79

        WHAT IS THAT FROM.

        AND NO, I DON’T NEED TO KNOW FOR ‘SCIENCE’. I NEED TO KNOW FOR MASTURBATION.

  26. pocketsprings +80

    If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, you would have some dumb in joke about a really common word like coffee and then any time anyone said that word in front of you, the two of you would collapse in to fits of giggles. In fact laughing together is pretty much all you do.
    And he always gives you his leather jacket when you’re cold.

  27. tubatoothpaste +96

    I need to cross-stitch “After all, you and Chris Evans both know that you deserve it.” on a pillow or something.

    1. apple_pi +14

      Watch out, though, because then Mallory will make it ominous. BEAUTIFULLY OMINOUS, so you will be broken and then grateful for it.

  28. occula +13

    I don’t know who Chris Evans is and I didn’t look it up on purpose for a fun experiment in reading this cold, and it was FABULOUS.

  29. Claudia +19

    Oh my God, renovating a cottage in Maine! But really only if it’s a summer place. Still with the flannel, though.

    1. Sunshine +25

      Also, the fantasy relationships started out with an ideal partner and have built up into warping the very fabric of reality.

  31. EnchiladaTaco +66

    I lack romantic feelings for Chris Evans. I just want him to be my brother. He would send me memes because he knows I love them and gently rib me about my Tumblr addiction and be nice to my friends who spend all their time staring dreamily at him when he drops into their parties.

    (I’m still hung up on If Stanley Tucci Were Your Boyfriend).

    2. laurenipsum +30

      This is how I feel about Chris Pratt. Part of the problem is my (his?) inability to separate him from Andy Dwyer, though.

      1. aiquale +10

        Same. I recognize that Chris Pratt is a very handsome, hilarious dude, but him as Andy paired with his goofy voice keeps him in the “Oh, I wish he was my brother/bff!” zone of celebrity crushes.

  32. merrite +75

    If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, he would be happy to join you on a Saturday trip to Bed Bath & Beyond. “No, go ahead and look at every single placemat,” he would say. “I’m going to go smell all the candles while I wait.” He would also carry all the bags home on the subway (who knew that all those linens get that heavy?).

    If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, he would not really understand your deep love for Kate Bush but would not say anything when you have “Wuthering Heights” on repeat in the car again.

    1. summerestherson +19

      And every once in a while, he sings along with Kate, and makes goofy faces at you especially when he gets to the chorus. He doesn’t do this very often though, so that every time he does it’s still a surprise and still makes you laugh.

      1. mbculver +20

        The thought of Chris Evans mock-dramatically singing IT’S ME, CATHYYYY I’VE COME HOME in a goofy falsetto is almost Too Much.

  33. loosechange +102

    If Chris Evans were your boyfriend he would appreciate how much you loved his butt, but be a little bashful about it too. “Oh come on, it’s not that great.”….Yes. Yes it is.

    1. RuncibleSpoon +10

      I refer you to the mesmerizing example of sexy ass on display a few comments up.

      Thank you, Hedwig.

  34. doublehoagie +39

    I was never particularly interested in Chris Evans because he’s a bit *too* perfect looking and has baby bird hair. But I’m feeling interested now. I’ll get in line. Does it start over there?

  35. jmstevenson76 +103

    Guys… Idris Elba. He’s the gentleman of color du jour and just what this series needs.

    In more relevant news: except for the Boston stuff, Chris Evans could be my husband in disguise. I guess this means he’s getting laid next time I see him. (My husband. Not Chris Evans. Vows and all.)

    1. supernanify +48

      I don’t want them to do Idris Elba, though, because then I’d spend the rest of the day crying in bed. My feelings for Chris Evans are manageable, so I can read this one without it ruining my life.

    2. jennycieplak +10

      OMG, my fiancee is very like to this except, well, shorter. Sadly he is on deployment (only 2 weeks and in the US, but still he left me here with all this SNOW)…… When he comes back I will expect to be licked like a puppy.

  36. Cricket +67

    Thank you and also how dare you. This is too perfect. This line of thinking is too painful this early in the day, especially when Chris Evans is out there doing things like going to museums and wearing plaid and geeking out over Paul Revere’s lantern: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taFCpibjF0M I’d like a video series of Chris Evans visiting museums in and around Boston, honestly. I’d watch every episode.

    But also: If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, you’d always have Cosmos in your recently watched shows on Netflix because it is his comfort show, and Neil deGrasse Tyson’s voice “helps him fall asleep sometimes.”

    1. Dangbattleship +51

      Would watch the crap out of the PBS show Chris Evans Goes to Museums.

      Baby bird hair and all.

      1. Cricket +20

        I would donate my life savings to PBS if they could ensure this would happen. That Marvel contract is up in a few years, Chris…

      2. deleted7410012 +56

        just hours of him doing his earnest listening face and walking around all the fragile objects carefully, those beautiful wide shoulders slightly hunched in self-consciously.

        whyyy

        2. Cricket +14

          Yes yes yes so careful and gentle and aware of his surroundings. My friend and I refer to them as “brioche bun shoulders” and it’s all I think of re:certain male celebs now.

    2. mirandawmeyer +16

      If Chris Evans were my boyfriend, he would understand how cool the Harvard Museum of National History is, and we would go regularly and never get hung up on the glass flowers when there’s a friggin’ WHALE SKELETON awaiting us.

  37. threatqualitypress +127

    Listen, I am not trying to be a troublemaker, but I think if Chris Evans were your boyfriend sometimes it WOULD snow, but only on Thursday nights, so that you’d have Friday off and could spend it romping around in the snow with your seven dogs and then in the evening sit bundled up against the cold drinking hot chocolate or something.

    If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, you’d be the kind of person who occasionally loved a snowstorm.

  38. jekyllian +16

    S C R E A M I N G

    the puppies and maine and gosh, EVERYTHING

    this even made me say GOSH for crying out loud

  39. Elizabeth W +118

    If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, Scarlett Johansson would go shopping with you sometimes, and tell you, yes, absolutely you should buy that skirt, your ass looks FANTASTIC.

    If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, you would wake up to the smell of coffee every morning, without having to set the timer the night before. He’d bring you a mug (the way you like it!) before you were even out of bed.

    If Chris Evans were your boyfriend he’d come home from junkets and press tours totally exhausted. He’d drop his bags and fall into bed face down right next to you and lie there for a minute before propping himself up to kiss you properly.

    If Chris Evans were your boyfriend you’d get in fights over whether or not you were going to move to Boston when he quit acting. “My whole family is there!” he’d say. “It’s COLD there!” you’d say. You’d never really resolve it.

    (What, no, I haven’t spent a LOT of time thinking about this.)

    1. jennycieplak +6

      This is pretty much the conversation I have with my fiancee about moving to Boston. Have you seen what it is like there now???

    2. summerestherson +28

      AH THAT PART ABOUT HIM FALLING ONTO THE BED AND THEN PROPPING HIMSELF UP TO KISS ME I AM SLAIN

      1. Elizabeth W +21

        I definitely DO NOT HAVE a recurring fantasy about this that I think about while I’m falling asleep ABSOLUTELY NOT.

  40. sednarea51 +70

    why
    why can’t we all have this
    why have you offered us this impossible vision of beauty, knowing we can never attain it?
    ::places hand on windowpane, gazes into far distance as a single tear tracks down my cheek::

    1. perianwen +15

      There needs to be some delicate and plaintive piano music playing while you gaze out the window.

  41. blushingflower +47

    My fantasy is actually for Chris Evans (or Hemsworth or Pratt or Pine) to be my sugar daddy. He could rent me a nice apartment in downtown DC so my commute isn’t so bad, and I would make sure his favorite beer was always in the fridge whenever he came to town, and I would never, ever, ever talk to the tabloids or write a tell-all.

    1. ToastiewithCheese +13

      There are a lot of great Chrisses, aren’t there? I wasn’t originally sold on Pine, but after seeing him ham it up in Into the Woods, I’m into it.

      1. blushingflower +33

        Yeah, originally Chris Pine was just the fourth I threw in there to round out my team of hunky sedan-chair carriers, but I LOVED him in Into the Woods

        1. apple_pi +21

          Best part of the sedan-carrying is definitely Pine having to walk on tiptoe trying to be a foot taller, while Hemsworth slogs along trying to be a foot shorter.

          1. summerestherson +15

            This image is beautiful and has prompted me to look up the Chrisses’ heights and list them in descending order:

            Hemsworth 6’3″
            Pratt 6’2″
            Evans 6’0″
            Pine 6’0″

          2. apple_pi +11

            Pine looks so much shorter, that’s weird to me. I think he’s kinda lopsided, like Tom Cruise is – like, maybe a really long torso? I seriously thought he was much shorter than that.

          3. summerestherson +6

            I was surprised too! I think maybe he’s just very…compact looking? Like he’s not a tall and lanky 6′ nor is he big and burly. It’s weird. It also makes me wonder how tall the rest of the Star Trek cast is because I feel like he’s short next to most of them?

          4. blushingflower +24

            We can put lifts in the shoes of the shorter ones, it’ll be fine.
            Plus, really, we say their job is carrying the sedan chair, but there would be a lot of “Other Duties as Assigned”.

  42. dirkbenedict +8

    Wow, I am steadfastly committed to singledom for the forseeable future, don’t especially like dogs, and am not particularly moved by Chris Evans but MY EYES ARE WELLING UP WITH TEARS. It’s just too beautiful.

  43. paperbgprincess +30

    Can Nicole C do the Colin Firth version of this next? Yesterday’s post was a good start.

  44. thewhelk +86

    That first one actually kind of happened to me cause I was super depressed and self-loathing so I watched The First Avengers TEN TIMES and decided Captain America wouldn’t put up with this and spent three months losing 30 pounds and following 1941 fitness guides so I could fit into an actual field officer uniform (with SSR pins!) for Halloween.

    But at the costume contest everyone thought I was Bucky.

    Always Bucky Barnes, never a bride.

    it cost more to dye my hair blonde then it did to buy an actual vintage uniform and that seems strange.

      1. citizenchristy +23

        THAT is a great costume and I applaud your efforts. You got the 40s hair just right and everything. So delightfully authentic!

        Costumes are probably my favorite motivation for getting in shape. I definitely slacked off with my Halloween costume last year, but both my convention/Halloween/convention Starbuck outfit and what I wear when I’m Shaun from Shaun of the Dead required losing a bit of weight, and it was a lot more fun to look forward to dressing up than to do the whole “Ugh, I’m the worst, better work out.”

        1. thewhelk +42

          BETTER LIVING THROUGH WARDROBE

          I started to collect so many 40s-esque outfits to bulk out the look until it just turned into me wearing plaid blazers and twill pants around my armpits and listening to Bing Crosby all the time.

  45. starksk +69

    If Chris Evans were my boyfriend, I’d feel really awkward about the birthday cake I got this year…

    1. GreenGrasses +40

      Are you kidding? Chris Evans would pose for a new Chris Evans birthday cake for you every year!!!

    2. EnchiladaTaco +11

      HEB MADE YOU A CHRIS EVANS CAKE.

      This is why HEB is the greatest grocery store in America.

  46. worseforless +34

    The version of these I want to write/have thought about in great, longing detail is “If John C. Reilly Was Your Husband.”

  47. lyetteann +35

    If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, you’d have a standing agreement that on Bad Brain days for either of you, you’d take the cushions off the couch, make a blanket fort, sit under it and split a half-gallon of ice cream of the mopey person’s choosing (pistachio for you; double chocolate for him).

  48. thewhelk +54

    For the men in the audience, I remind you that Mr. Evans has a gay brother named Scott who acts in Soap Operas.

  50. deleted7410012 +70

    if chris evans was your boyfriend, he’d call you “babe” and you actually…wouldn’t hate it.

    if chris evans was your boyfriend, sometimes you’d come home and he’d be under a blanket on the couch, watching cosmos and maybe crying a little bit. it would be okay, though. space is just so beautiful.

    if chris evans was your boyfriend, he’d make funny faces at all the babies you met on the street, and the babies would love him.

    if chris evans was your boyfriend, sometimes he’d get down about not really being as good or as strong as steve rogers. but when you load him with compliments and tell him he’s your favorite meatball, he’d blush all the way down to his collarbone.

    1. rkfire +10

      I agree with you generally–as much as I enjoy Chris Evans, I’m realizing we can never be, if only because I’m a Orioles/Ravens fan. Ah well… *sighs*

      Also, I’m married. There is that too.

      1. sednarea51 +10

        Yes! This is a serious concern. I’ve decided I can handle the Tom Brady worship as long as I am given carte blanche to razz the everliving fuck out of Bill Belichick. Plus the Pats do have Rob Gronkowski, who (a) is another human Golden Retriever and (b) has a party bus.
        I’m willing to be flexible on the O’s/Sox thing- as long as someone’s beating the Yankees, right?

  52. daniellellanes +6

    We’re already halfway there, Chris. I got four dogs. Seven might be too much, but we’ll work it out.

  53. Julia Lambert +35

    My dream about Chris Evans (whom I carefully call Dream Chris Evans in a vain attempt to ground myself in reality and remember that he is a real person whom I’ve not met and therefore I’m not really in love with him) from a few weeks ago works perfectly here: If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, he would take you to your favorite neighborhood bar on a snowy night and hold your hand on the walk over and buy you really good beers, and you’d talk for hours by the fire and his eyes would light up with joy when you ordered him fries while he was in the bathroom.

  54. deleted8078549 +22

    If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, you’d wake up to one of your seven cats headbutting your ear in the mornings while he presents you with coffee just the way you like it and a croissant breakfast sandwich. You’d wander the late-night streets together until suddenly, you come across an amazingly talented, mesmerizing singer. In the early morning hours your girlfriend Eva Green would go dancing with you while Tom sleeps.
    Your father, Stanley Tucci, would always make sure you had the best wine and cheese in the world and ensure you never had problems of any kind. You and Tom would go to brunch with him, after which you’d both join Eva at the bazaar.
    You’d eye Kristen Stewart across a busy bar but ultimately go home with Eva. Chris Evans would be your out-of-town occasional lover, but eventually you’d tire of cleaning up after seven dogs, even if they ARE adorable.

  55. beecaveroad +14

    I have a boyfriend from Boston and it’s kind of like this! He loves puppies, but doesn’t think we can have one in our current apartment 🙁 yes to the snuggling though. And watching him watch the Red Sox win things makes me very happy, so that’s kind of like liking them myself?

  56. mkpatter +16

    If Chris Evans were my boyfriend, all of those 8 dogs would be corgis, we’d dress them up as the Avengers as well on Halloween, (the entire neighbourhood would come to see them), and we’d all sleep in a big pile of pillows instead of a bed.

  57. Bittersweet

    <3<3<3 And then you both could build side-by-side shrines to Brady and Rodgers in your backyard. 😀

  58. Bittersweet

    The thought of Chris Evans mock-dramatically singing IT'S ME, CATHYYYY I'VE COME HOME in a goofy falsetto is almost Too Much.

  59. amandaching +9

    I kept looking for the Kudos button, and then I realized that this wasn’t AO3.

    Best. Fanfic. Evar.

  60. girl8l +5

    For refrence a Chris Evans candle smells like equal parts wet dog, gym sweat, Bud Light and Gucci Guilty. But if Chris Evans was your boyfriend you would totally love it because you are both really into scent memory.

  61. frida

    I really wish this could be me and him I really love him a lot 😭😭😍😍😍❤❤❤

  62. BostonTeaPotty +4

    So the Oscar Isaac version of this column is my dream, but all evidence points to the fact that I am actually dating Chris Evans.