Daily expenses for a gentleman in Philadelphia, 1772:
In addition to the money given to “Jem Sampson for marketing” (I’m assuming he or she was the cook, though there is also another entry marked “paid to the Cook”), much of the household’s food was bought directly from specialized shops or from individuals. Cadwalader lists items on this sheet for almonds, loaves of bread, yeast, lemons, and squab pigeons. Another page includes “a String of fish” and a payment to “a Woman on the German-Town Road for Eggs.” He bought wine, too: “Mr. Morris for 5 Bottles Frontenacc.”
Of course I was interested in seeing what was spent on clothing. Other pages have numerous expenses for Mrs. Cadwalader’s wardrobe as well as his own, but two of the more expensive bills on this page are paid to “Isaac Parish for a Hat”, and a whopping £4 for a “Muff & Tipit” to keep Mrs. Cadwalader warm. (To put that in perspective: modern estimates are that a common laborer in the 18thc. colonies earned roughly £40 annually, a schoolteacher earned £60, and a minister around £100. Odds are none of them were spending £4 for a muff and tipit.)
Our own Sulagna Misra on why we’re obsessed with Janelle Monae’s “Yoga.”
In fact, shall I count the reasons why this music video is so amazing? 1. Janelle levitating in the first scene. 2. Janelle dancing and looking at herself in the mirror. 3. Crowns are the new yoga accessory. 4. Every coy face Jidenna makes. 5. The line “You cannot police me / So get off my areola.” 6. The fact that the latter line comes with its own dance move. Like, yes, thank you, I did not know I needed this but I will be adding it to my repertoire.
Jacqui Shine on the false equivalencies she sees in Jon Ronson’s work:
That all of these episodes might share something is plausible, maybe even likely, and they all involve some degree of real suffering — certainly, being publicly shamed on Twitter or elsewhere on the internet has very real ramifications — but they are not equivalent to one another. Being shamed doesn’t affect people’s lives equally. Ronson tends to dismiss this, as when Adria Richards, the shamer of Donglegate, suggests to him that the white men she shamed for telling sexist jokes at a tech conference (those with what Ronson calls “supposed white privilege”) hold more power than she does, and they and their peers are more likely to call her reaction to sexist dick jokes “overblown.” This, Ronson says, “seemed like a weak gambit,” a “logical fallacy” of the sort deployed “when someone can’t defend a criticism against them,” and “change[s] the subject by attacking the criticizer.”
At the same time, he doesn’t seem to make much of the fact that Richards’ “victim” has remained pseudonymous throughout the affair, while Richards, a black Jewish woman whose identity was public throughout these events, was not only fired from her job as a developer evangelist for Sendgrid, but faced a barrage of vicious, violent harassment, and whose address and other contact information were publicly released on 4chan and elsewhere. His ostensible concern is with the threat of the anonymous crowd, but it’s Richards he calls an “inappropriate shamer,” and Ronson comes dangerously close to saying that she deserved what she got.
The Babadook is on Netflix now, but I’m not ready.
Why is your Millennial crying?
Deleted comment of the day:
Yesterday’s workout! I forgot to take a picture of Monday’s workout! BUT IT SUCKED.
Wall Walk? Are you Crossfitters secretly training to be SPIDER-MAN???
Or REVERSE wall walk.
“Hey guys, you can choose to walk on the walls, or walk on the walls but backwards. Whatever you feel like.”
Or maybe the wall walks on you…
Well, now I want a whole workout routine invented by the monks.
Two Medieval Monks Invent Crossfit
YES PLEASE.
Can’t have too many Spider-Men.
OR CAN YOU?
This isn’t Crossfit, I don’t think. (Or at least, most of the movements aren’t very common Crossfit movements). Can anyone verify?
I am not ready for The Babadook, either, but I really love Essie Davis and I WANT TO BE BRAVE. Let’s watch it together, Nicole.
You’ve seen Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries, right? I feel like we should add Miss Fisher to the list of Toast Patron Saints.
AH YES! That show is amazing.
I just started reading the books (waiting on #3 from the library) so perhaps she changes, but I heard some critiques about the books saying that Miss Fisher (book character) was rude/mean/coarse/whatever, but honestly, I think she’s just unapologetic and sexual (and people don’t like it) and I will recommend those books to my dying day.
It’s been around a year since I’ve read them, but I mostly got tired (around book 8 or so) of book Phryne being right all the time; in the tv show she feels like a more fleshed out character and more human, whereas in the books she felt more like someone with modern day sensibilities and beliefs dropped into the past but it works out great for her! Every time!
I mean, I did enjoy the books enough, clearly, as I read 8 of them, but I enjoyed the show more.
Yeah, I can see that happening and agree about the characters being fleshed out more in the show. There is a bit of a “all these unconnected things are happening and Phryne is also doing all these things that are weird and lo and behold everything was connected and Phryne saved the day through her thorough planning while also eating and sleeping a lot”
Totally fluffy but enjoyable if you are looking for it.
The best thing that has ever happened to me is the sex scene in the Phyrne Fisher circus murder book. Two words: clown. sex. A few more words: the makeup stayed ON.
Oh also I feel this is a good place to let everyone know the third season starts airing in Australia on MAY 8TH.
THAT’S SO SOON
WHEN DO WE GET IT HERE
FIRE THE DB THRUSTERS! BATTLE STATIONS!
I would hesitate to recommend this film to anyone with children or also without children but thinking about having children or stressed out by children or by grief or anything really. I felt not at all in a good place after watching. But it is an insta-classic, so.
Although, if you are stressed out by children and have decided to never have them, this film will totally validate your life choices.
Agreed. I felt very sanguine about my “rescue all the shelter dogs, skip kids” life ethos after this movie.
HISTORICAL SHOPPING LIST OMG. That must have been one fine ass muff and tipit.
That deleted comment tho. I bet that dude is a huuuuge fan of “Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality”.
Ahh Harry potter and the methods of rationality! Simultaneously obnoxious and addicting…I read the whole thing.
I couldn’t get past the fifth chapter. Harry was such an unbearable little shithead, I couldn’t take it.
I don’t think I even made it to Hogwarts. I’m pretty sure I lost it when Harry said he wouldn’t be stupid enough to let his family abuse him or something along those lines. And something something 11 year old Draco declaring that he couldn’t wait to rape someone? Noped right the hell out of there.
I read as much as was posted when I found it, but I didn’t keep up with updates for long. I feel like that was an ok balance.
Did you notice how every woman who was not McGonnagal lost agency and dignity? Lily is shallow, Hermione is less bright than Harry, BELATRIX is a BROKEN BIRD, hell even Petunia’s problems are all fixed by getting super hot. What the even shit is that shit?
I didn’t notice that but I totally see it now! I did like rational!Draco better than original!Draco but other than that I found the series (and the author’s non-subtle pontificating) pretty irritating. All the same I wanted to know how it would end.
I loooved Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality all the way to some “nice guy” subplot, when I realised with much confusion that maybe it wasn’ satire
I still stand by my opinion that Harry’s and Draco’sd stupid secret society was hilarious.
Yes it was!! Also the author’s “this is what I think Ender’s Game should have been like” subplot in Methods of Rationality was hilarious. (and not as good as the actual Ender’s Game book.)
Don’t bother with the article. Your Millennial is always crying because of student debt/the job market.
I knew it was Gemma the moment I saw the first picture. She’s lovely 🙂
Sometimes we’re crying because global warming robbed us of a future!
I’m crying because I’ve remembered that after 6 years, I now owe $6,000 more than I borrowed in the first place.
JANELLE MONAE IS A QUEEN I have had “Yoga” on repeat for days can’t stop won’t stop
DELETED COMMENTS FOR EVER
(Hi Toast! This week so far has sucked so badly that I keep crying every single night and have been unable to eat and just am thoroughly generally miserable! I am tired of looking at my own weeping reflection in the mirror! I want to go to bed and stay there for weeks at a time! God.)
It’s Wednesday! You can do it! Hopefully the rest of the week will be downhill from here and include chocolate/comfort things of your choice.
*sending hugs and the cheery Beastie Boys vibe the college radio station is playing*
Thank you 😀
I’m so sorry. I know that feeling well. I hope it passes soon and the weekend is fun and restful. <3
That kitten looks a bit long-suffering actually, so here’s some pictures of pandas hugging:
bonus polar bears!
omg so many hugs MANY MANY HUGS EEEE
Long distance support! You’re halfway through the week. You can do this, queen!
<3 <3 <3
pom-pom crab has been cheering me on all week, and he would like to support you as well:
GUH! this always! I’m so glad you brought this to my attention <3
omg LOOK AT HIM
Oh my god, I love that crab.
I hear ya. It sucks. ::hugs::
I hope these can help:
OMG
adorable
it feels sooooo foreverrrrr when you’re in this place, but it’s not permanent, which doesn’t always help when you’re feeling this way, but maybe it will? I think all these gifs are pretty good, and you’ve got a heap of internet friends here cheering you along with pom pom crab (WHICH SERIOUSLY THAT IS THE BEST RIGHT?)
<3 <3 <3
you’re not alone, love.
You are so sweet. Thank you.
I’ve been in this space with the exact same head-crud, and it does get better. Then it gets bad again, of course, but it GETS BETTER. Promise. And for heaven’s sake, look at that crab with the pom poms.
Thank you
And pom pom crab!
John Ronson was on Bullseye this week and I’m glad that Jesse Thorn pushed back at him a little about the shaming thing. Not as much as I would like, but he definitely said that it’s easy for Ronson to take the position he does as a middle class white guy.
I usually like Ronson, and think he had a point about certain instances of public shaming, but he misses the mark on his overall conclusion.
I really want to like the idea of this book; internet shaming in its historical context and stories about where X shamed person ended up, etc., sound fascinating! But then I remember how much brilliance I’ve read on that precise subject from folks on Twitter or their personal blogs who aren’t getting paid for their time and have probably been accused of being in the lynch mob for making fun of a white dude.
Yeah. His point that public shaming is a blunt, imprecise weapon that doesn’t always hit it’s target is well taken. I also like his point that while those engaging in public shaming may individually not have much power, as a collective they have a lot and should be aware that the impact of utilizing that weapon could be much greater than they realize. But he fails to grasp (it seems) that for a lot of people, it’s the only weapon available and the result of NOT using it is just as great.
He’s well meaning, but he’s never had to fight to be treated as a full human person and appears to really struggle with empathizing with those who have.
I went off Ronson when I read an excerpt of his book (to the surprise of no one, it was linked on facebook by a middle-aged white guy with a penchant for “edgy” humour) wherein he compared public whipping of adulterous women in colonial America to Justine Sacco losing her PR job. Losing your job sucks, but if you prove that you are unable to understand the requirements (i.e. not making yourself- or by extension, your employer- look bad on a public profile, when your whole job is understanding how to navigate public spaces) then yes, you absolutely deserve to get fired. An adulteress has hurt one person, her spouse, and publicly punishing her is less about redressing the harm and more about upholding societal standards about women and sex. Motherfucking proportion, how does that work?
Yeah, it seems like Ronson picked a bunch of choices that didn’t resemble each other well enough to tie together. I’m not sure why we’re comparing the numerous professional misdeeds of Jonah Leher from a poorly-told joke from Justine Sacco.
Sacco seems like a legitimate case of the phenomenon. A lot of writers, most of whom are good lefties, have said “sure, she lost her job, but she DID get a new one.” It’s in that Buzzfeed article too. But what kind of bullshit is that? We’re so good about recognizing the ways that words can do violence and the way that public shame is a form of trauma in other instances. But if you still have job at the end of the day? “Quit yer fuckin’ whining.” It’s so gross, as if they’d only be happy if she was sucking up pond algae for sustenance and clothing herself in burlap sacks. /rant
Yes exactly. My biggest issue with Ronson’s book was that his examples are so unrelated to each other that by the end of it I honestly had no idea what his point even was. I think he was trying to look for some larger narrative about the role of shame in society (he has a whole chapter on the Zimbardo experiment and the prison system, for example, basically out of nowhere) but none of his examples go together at all so he just meanders for awhile and then gives up. That said, to read into this that he’s an MRA or something seems like reaching to me.
It wasn’t actually scary to me? Like sometimes I think about the croaky voice “baaabaaaDOOK-DOOK-DOOK!” when I turn off all the lights so I have to do that “jump into bed like a fucking coward” thing but it wasn’t what I’d call a “scary” movie if that’s what making y’all hesitate
this was supposed to be a reply to Nicole. But also if it’s the emotional thing that’s the block, sorry you will probably feel raw and maybe also cry a lot 🙁
It could also be the utter and abject experience of grief conjured up by the movie.
I don’t know what a tipit is, but I would like to have one.
It’s a little cape that goes just below your shoulders. Or, in the church, a kind of long scarf thing worn over robes.
Ooh! Now I really want one.
So basically either way, a tipit is a valid item for a superhero costume.
Edna Mode might disagree! But then again, if it’s a small enough cape to avoid being sucked into a jet engine or caught in a whirlwind, we may have found a loophole here.
Well, I’ve seen many superhero pajama sets for kids that come with capes, all of them easily detachable to avoid such problems. So perhaps a superhero tipit that is easily detachable would be the solution to the sucked into a jet engine problem.
Sometimes also spelled “tippet”.
He’s the guy who made all the cool puppets and stuff in the original Star Wars movies, right?
Thank goodness it’s not on Netflix UK, I am terrible at scary movies but every so often I forget this fact and watch one – and I do love her as Miss Fisher.
UGH THE COMMENTS ON THE JON RONSON ARTICLE MAKE ME STABBY
Dudes arguing that intersectionality is a “flawed concept,” and that you need to be a conoisseur of Ronson’s work in order to be allowed to crtique it. As if an entire book isn’t enough damn context. How many of Ronson’s words do you need to read before you have enough context? 100,000? 500,000? A billion?
Or maybe, just maybe, the issue really is that Ronson, and Chait, and all those other MRAs masquerading as literati, are just in the wrong.
Oh please, I’ve read all of Ronson’s books and every single one of them is this kind of minimalizing drivel. (They all sound super interesting! They all turn out to be “look at the weirdo” without actually examining anything interesting at all.)
Bless you for doing this work so we don’t have to.
Almost like, ALMOST LIKE, they keep moving the goalposts so that they are never wrong. Ugh I am in a very #banmen place today tho.
What a sad, backhanded insult to the writer you’re “defending,” though, if you feel you have to say “Just reading this one book isn’t enough to understand what he was saying in this one book!” Like. Your defense is “He’s not a good enough writer to convey what he was trying to communicate within the confines of the finished, published book”? “Thanks,” I’m sure.
It’s a pyramid thing. A while back someone told them that you couldn’t get his work until you’d read all of it, every single word, and studied his biography, and defended him from the less enlightened on internet comments boards. Nobody actually likes the guy.
OH so it’s like academia then.
The deleted comments continue to be a joy to behold. (could we have a weekly deleted comments collection post?)
Combined deleted comments post / open thread for adorable pet pictures to cleanse the palate after reading
If I ever opened a pub I would call it The Muff & Tipit for sure.
I would be a regular at this pub. With my muff and my tipit and maybe a snood.
And a thneed. Which you need.
Switch it and you have a great buddy cop movie – “Tipit & The Muff.”
Yesterday a coworker suddenly popped up at the very edge of my field of vision. She was wearing a billowing black cardigan and for a second I honest-to-god thought it was the Babadook and froze in my chair.
(I texted my husband about it later and he said “Throw Vegemite at her” but I am pretty sure it’s grounds for a grievance if your supervisor throws Vegemite at you, so I refrained.)
Depends if you have taken it out of the jar first perhaps? Either it is going to hurt, or there is going to be a large dry-cleaning bill.
I keep reading the deleted comment in Dwight Schrute’s voice.
I read any comment like that from any guy in the Good Day Mr. Kubrick voice http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4qO8OaUY94
Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
I bet the deleted comment was written by my Arizona Republican Calvinist brother in law. He will be visiting us in June. Pray for me.
prayer is irrational. you will be assimilated.
May strength be with you. Stephen Maturin’s line, “Sure, it is a point of view,” as a response to assertions with which you profoundly disagree has the virtue of being both courteous and unaswerable. I have used it once or twice and been surprised by how it can take the wind out of attempts to stir up debate; one observer, sounding delighted, said, “My god, it’s the rudest thing I’ve ever heard said so politely.”
Wow, that’s an amazing line! How do you deliver it? Like x person says something idiotic, and you just dead pan it? I feel like this could really help with every member of my husband’s family.
Like any strong spice or heavy artillery, it’s best used very sparingly, and IME a mild unruffled delivery increases the cognitive dissonance. “I think we should bomb the whole Middle East and let God sort ’em out, don’t you?” “Sure, it is a point of view. Is there more salad?” (Have a care; saying “your point of view” weakens the effect. Also note that Maturin is Irish, so “well” or “yes” instead of “sure” may work better, depending on your local idiom.)
If I love them, I say “You are giving me a lot of information about how you feel about X.”
The key is to have had a yoga teacher who says “This pose gives you a lot of information.” when they mean “This pose hurts like a mother.”
Also genius. Thanks.
That is genius. THANK YOU.
My Nana used to bow out of conversations she didn’t want to have by saying “I’m sorry, I believe I’m needed in the other room.” And then she’d go. I loved it. I miss her so much sometimes. Anyway- having lived with a difficult brother-in-law herself she would have wanted you to use this.
I have an awful lot of Republican Calvinists in my family. We’re from Michigan, though – although one of my cousins married a Republican Calvinist from Arizona. They’re all really nice people under most circumstances, but… let’s just say I know how you feel. Good luck!
Bless. Thanks. Yeah, western Michigan is like Dutch CRC country, isn’t it?
Why yes, as a matter of fact Gen X is feeling ignored again, why do you ask?
It’s your own fault for trying to make the boomers go quietly.
Isn’t… isn’t that what you want? For us to distract the boomers for five more years while you accrete institutional power? Wasn’t that the Agreement?
As a millennial, I have to say, my dad gets VERY concerned for my emotional well-being when I make throwaway comments about how terrible it is to be stuck in a cycle of casual/limited term contracts where I don’t get vacation or sick days and yet the spectre of unemployment is constantly looming a couple months in the distance so I spend most of my free time looking for more permanent jobs and feeling trapped because I can’t plan anything very far into the future.
Like DAD. It’s fine. I’m just grumpy. I’ll be over it tomorrow.
Like all Objectivists, I choose my friendships based on a rational analysis of the cost of expending time and energy for other people compared to the value of the rewards gained thereby.
I am a human being. I am capable of forming human relationships and interacting with others in the same way as all human beings are capable of. This is not a trick.
Fellow Toasties… I’m afraid this cannot wait for the open thread.
I’m very close to breaking up with my boyfriend (of 1.5 years so serious but also not) and I’m not looking forward to it. Not least of which is because he’s a good guy (not a NICE GUY (TM)… he’s just not the guy for me). When talking to my therapist, I realized that I wasn’t happy and I was expected to always cater to his needs while ignoring my own (and realized that it’s a pattern in my past relationships… of course). And while I have talked to him about it, it’s fallen on deaf ears and was making me resent him which I really don’t want to do. While I think I will feel relieved once it’s over, we did actually have quite a bit in common and I don’t want to have to deal with seeing him at things (because it’s a small big city). I also don’t want to have to deal with the reactions of my friends/family because it will probably be unexpected to most and if it’s not, then I will be pissed because WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME??? I’m thinking that I will talk to him early this weekend and then will have a “me-weekend” to absorb my feelings.
Anyway, I kind of just needed to write something out, but if anyone has any advice or stories, I would appreciate it.
You can do this. You know what to do. Even though you know it will be painful, you know it’s best for each of you. You can do this. And we got your back.
Thank you 🙂
The important part of what you have written is “I wasn’t happy and I was expected to always cater to his needs while ignoring my own (and realized that it’s a pattern in my past relationships… of course). And while I have talked to him about it, it’s fallen on deaf ears”. If your friends and family cannot support you when you make that statement, then they are not being good friends and family.
It’s wonderful to be able to see patterns that don’t help you to thrive, and then to be able to do something positive about them
Haha thank you and yes! I just did a test run on a friend and she was totally supportive and I realized that my thoughts of “OMG, what if they all really liked him and think I’m an idiot for breaking it off” were probably ridiculous.
my thoughts of “OMG, what if they all really liked him and think I’m an idiot for breaking it off”
Most people have had similar thoughts, but when you examine them, it becomes clear that your friends liking your partner*, or even thinking you’re silly to break off, isn’t really relevant. Your friends aren’t the ones dating him; you are, and that relationship should be fulfilling and life-enhancing or why would you bother? And most people know that seeing a relationship from the outside is nothing like living inside of it.
Wishing you strength and happiness and peace. I’ve been in some unsatisfying relationships, sometimes with perfectly good partners who were just bad for me, and leaving that behind was always not just liberating but, eventually, glorious, as if someone had turned on the lights in a dim room.
*I feel like the reverse isn’t as universally true: if friends uniformly dislike your partner, it’s worth examining why.
Very true. I know that when I’ve been in the friend position, I was supportive of my friend no matter what. It’s so hard to get out of that headspace when the reason for breaking it off is just a feeling. But that feeling should be good enough for all. I’m so looking forward for that liberating/glorious feeling haha
I’m afraid I have no words of wisdom to share but I am sending you good vibes!
You are 100% right to break up with him; I often find myself associating break-ups with some kind of big dealbreaker or other (cheating, murder, insulting your cat etc.), probably due to an excessive TV drama habit, but break-ups based on less explosive factors are probably much more common. There’s no point in being with someone who doesn’t make you happy, even if they don’t necessarily make you UNhappy.
Thank you… and I know what you mean. I’m having to convince myself that this is a valid reason because I’m worried that it’s something that I should just work through instead of something that I shouldn’t have to put up with.
Oh friend, that is tough stuff. About 2 months ago I was where you are now. Boyfriend of a 1.5 years, catering to his needs, him not listening when I brought up my concerns and thinking about calling it quits. Instead I stayed. There was always a rationalization or some reason I should try another week or two. I resented him a lot. My mental health became garbage. And last week he finally ended it. It was tough for a day and a half, and I get the occasional prick of sadness but I feel happier and healthier than I have in a long time. You are doing everything right! You’ve recognized this is a problem! You’ve talked to him about it! If it hasn’t gotten better by now it’s just going to get worse. My advice is to gird your loins, break up with him asap, and allow us to comfort you in Friday’s open thread. If you’re worried about dealing with the reactions of friends/family write a script, practice it, and send it by text/email when possible. Mine was/is “Juicebox and I are no longer together. I’d rather not discuss him for awhile.” Repeat as needed.
That makes me feel so much better. We have some things planned (tickets purchased, etc) but I’m realizing that I would rather either not go, bring a friend, or go alone (and just consider the expense of the extra ticket as a sunk cost) (this is mainly due to your response/talking to friends because when I woke up this morning, I was thinking about doing a “LAST TALK” to see if it would work).
Thanks for your thoughtful response. I’m glad you are doing well now!
I’m a few steps away from being in this place. In my case, it’s less like a “LAST TALK” and more like a “SECOND-ISH TALK, THIS TIME MAKING IT CLEARER HOW MUCH OF A DEALBREAKER THIS IS”. But I also realized that if the relationship were over right now, it would hurt and I would grieve but also, the relief level might be pretty high. And the other mercy of a swift end is facilitating a better lower-case-r relationship… and I share your “this city is a very small town” setting.
So, I dunno. Maybe I just want permission to DT-VeryNiceAndAwesomePerson-A
(Also, kudos to you for your self-awareness and doing the hard but best thing! Sorry for hijacking your thread hijacking.)
Yeah, it’s hard to actually give up the relationship after meeting all the family and friends and creating routines. I will feel relief for sure but it’s also like starting over and that’s scary.
(Also, I had to look up DTA and could only find one plausible explanation online… idk. I think I get what you mean though)
Ha, was probably a silly thing to say. I was just playing around with DTMFA, except there’s no MFs in this one.
HAH! It’s pretty much what I thought you meant, but the only thing I could find was “Defeat the Addiction” and that was hard to reconcile.
I hope it works out for you (whether you do the second talk or not). 🙂
I will be drinking and thinking about you (and everyone else probably) tonight or whenever I have a chance to talk to him. Cheers in advance!
Hijacking the hijacking of the hijack. I did the one final chance conversation on Saturday and it did not go well so I walked.
It has been awful – 11 year relationship, extreme guilt on my part, manipulation and veiled ‘this will destroy me’ threats on his part – but at the same time SUCH a relief. I still have grief and guilt-driven moments of panic and am still debating whether it’s worth going through counselling, but the longer I am out, the more obvious it seems that it was the right thing.
All I can say is that I wish I had done it years ago. I feel like I used to when jumping off something high into the ocean – you spend so long thinking about it and dreading it and chickening out and then you just do it all at once without thinking and you’re like ‘holy shit, I’m jumping, I’m jumping!’ and then you get a bit of water up your nose and cough a few times and you did it and it was great.
Your analogy is very apt. I’m so sorry that it didn’t go well but I’m glad you are now on the other side and doing your thing. *hugs*
So glad to hear you are feeling better about it!
Oh pal, that is hard. I second all the advice of making yourself a script for family/friends, and sticking with it. Take some time to be kind to yourself, and remind yourself that in a period of time, this will all be behind you, and you’ll feel awesome 🙂
Thank you so much! 🙂
Yeah, I’m definitely doing the script thing for friends and family and am working on a semi-script/collection of thoughts and feelings that I can convey to him as kindly as possible.
Sorry you’re at the cusp of this eventful and usually not-so-fun thing. ::hugs::
It seems that oftentimes, MOST people in your circle of friends and family will support you so fully, no matter if it’s a surprise or not, and will try to not seem toooo surprised because really, who wants to deal with a reaction of a friend and family member when they’re going through something like this? The few that do react, well, they’ll do that and then it will be over and you’ll still be winning because you’ll be on the other side of a difficult decision and hopefully starting to feel better about your life because you can pay more attention to your needs, dig?
I always am so impressed when people can be self-aware enough to see unhealthy patterns that they’ve got in their relationships, and when it’s not working, and break it off peacefully-ish. I seem unable to do so, and instead ride my relationships into fiery depths of horror. (exaggeration) (maybe)
Haha yes, you are absolutely correct.
I probably wouldn’t have seen this relationship in the pattern until much later because it’s in a different form (thank god for therapy), but I did know I was unhappy and have had some emotional events occur in the past month. That threw the relationship into stark relief with those events and I realized I was spending all my time and energy dealing with things that I shouldn’t have to.
Good for you. I have a nasty habit of staying in relationships that don’t feel quite bad enough to leave for far too long. Good on you for realizing that you are unhappy and doing something about it. It’s a sign of maturity and is for the long-term best for both of you, so don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for it. My one bit of advice is not to give him reasons or a list of things wrong with the relationship, because if he hasn’t bothered to notice when you’ve brought these issues up before he might feel like it’s come out of nowhere and he can argue you into staying. Don’t let yourself get sucked into that.
That’s a really good point. I was all set to put my debate glasses on, but you are right. Giving him reasons will just allow him to come up with excuses and “I’ll try harders”.
Years ago, in the year following college, I broke up with my boyfriend of two years, while we were living together. (And continued to do so for the remainder of our lease, April-August, since neither of us could afford to do otherwise.) He was a good guy, we were happy together, there was nothing particularly wrong with the relationship. But I also realized that if I didn’t break up with him soon, we would get married and that would eventually make me (and him) incredibly unhappy.
Fast forward to now, he is married to the next woman he dated and they have three adorable kids. I have recently married the love of my life, who I wouldn’t even *meet* for 6 or 7 more years. We are both much better off for that decision, difficult as it was at the time.
You can do this and you will both get past it.
I’m glad you are doing better. I can’t imagine having to live with someone after we broke up. And yes, it’s so easy to do that live together-get married thing without really thinking about if it’s what you really want so good on you for realizing that.
I’m pretty much in that place myself, circling around the idea of breaking up with someone after nearly four years–a sweet, smart, sometimes sexy man who just can’t give me what I want, and is more honest with me about it than I have been with myself. He was very supportive to me for most of last year when I was dealing with unemployment, and now I’m doing the same for him. I keep telling myself that I’ll have the Talk with him when he gets a job, and that we can still be friends even if I’m looking for something more real, but we’ll see when we get there. Good luck to you! You’ll be so much stronger for going through this tough transition!
You are in a tough position especially, but I think realizing it is probably half the battle. I wish you luck and hope that it all works out for you and that you do actually remain friends. I so understand that desire and I hope I can do it with this one eventually.
Amen to that comic about millennials. I thought we’d seen the last of the whole millennial bashing trend, but it still rears its ugly head periodically. Beyond the fact that the millennial generation faces some very real problems like crushing student loan debt, I’m also sick of the stereotype that all millennials are spoiled, upper middle class white hipsters. The millennial generation is the most racially diverse generation in American history. Only half of us are white. Although millennials are the most educated generation, that still only means 1/3rd of us hold college degrees. Out of that 1/3rd how many even had the resources to take on an unpaid internship? I feel like a lot of those stories were just reporters from the Atlantic or Time or whatever who used their interns as a point of reference. It’s such a narrow view.
Agreed! Here are some charts that sum this up: http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2015/03/19/h… Conspiracy minded me wonders if it’s not coincidental that labor force participation for women is high, and we’re being asked as a generation to just take our lumps and not ‘cry’ about the increasingly explotaitive nature of employment, contract work, unpaid positions, contingency, etc.
I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s a factor, although I’m guessing some of the push goes the other way (labor is devalued, so more and more people, including women, have to work).
ETA: I would also tie in the stats from that article about our generation being more diverse than previous generations – if you can’t keep minorities out of jobs, at least you can make them miserable, amirite?
Absolutely! Elizabeth Warren makes this point in The Two-Income Trap, which was fascinating and depressing in equal measure. It certainly drove home how precarious our current economic situation is.
If you want to turn it on its head, you can make fun of the GenXers who are parents of millenials. I have friends who work in HR who have (lots) of tales of parents calling to negotiate salary and raises for their kids (much to the kids’ horror). That’s not the fault of the hapless millenial whose mom or dad is helicoptering.
I mean, you know, doofuses are in every generation.
Well, I think it’s more baby boomers who are parents of millennials (particularly if said millennial is old enough to be out of college and in the job market…). Still, the point stands. For the millennials I’ve met who do fit that stereotype, it’s usually because they’ve been spoiled or coddled by their parents to the point where they are utterly unprepared for the real world.
That’s why I prefer the term “Echo Boomers” over “millenials”, because when I say Echo Boomers it is very clear which coddled kids I’m talking about. And to be utterly clear, I mostly blame their Boomer parents for being coddling kleptocrats.
I love the juxtaposition of parents using their business sense and experience to help their kid and having no idea how awful that makes the kid look. If there’s one intergenerational conflict that particularly bugs me, it’s older folks advising Millennials on how to get a job / get ahead at work when they haven’t had to entry-level job hunt in decades. You just have to print out your resume and go door to door shaking hands, right?
When I was a twentysomething I rolled my eyes at the boomers who thought that they were still Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate and had information to offer me about entry level job hunts.
Now us GenXers are older, and we all think we are still the characters in Reality Bites, but we’re really the parents in Mamma Mia, at best. Most likely we aren’t that cool.
Are we GenXers really old enough to have kids in the workplace already? I mean…I guess I could have a post-college kid…if I’d gotten pregnant right out of college myself…
My kid goes to college in another year, so I figure maybe the parents are, as Jen noted, boomers. But maybe not.
All this generation nonsense! Of course when you’re born has an impact on who you are, but to talk about millions of people as one type, with one mindset, is fairly silly.
I don’t usually feel like the parents in Mamma Mia because we don’t usually burst into ABBA songs in the middle of…you know what? Never mind. Mamma Mia it is. 🙂
I only skimmed the cartoon and didn’t see that last panel so I was annoyed by the cartoon and confused by your comment. Now I get it!
I did the exact same thing! Perhaps we are also known as the skimming generation!
I cried on Monday when I realized it might take me the rest of my life to save enough for a down payment on a small house in my neighborhood ($120,000 average) I don’t know if I technically qualify as a millennial, since I’m 30, but I feel it.
I am also 30 and I understand “Millennial” means anyone born 1980-2000 but I feel like there is a big gap between us and the generation that doesn’t remember pre-9/11 politics, pre-Columbine high school, and pre-recession work life. We’re still screwed in a lot of ways (lol ever buying a house, lolololol) but we grew up in a pretty different world from the 90s babies.
Yes, I agree with that completely!
The down payment is $120k?!?!?! That gives me a major case of the sads too! I’ve given up on the “dream” of homeownership altogether. As long as I don’t have to work until I drop dead, I’ll consider it a victory. Also, I’m around the same age and yeah, we’re millenials, albeit on the older side of the spectrum.
Down payment is $24,000. House price is $120,000. I no longer live in this zip code: http://www.zillow.com/homes/for_sale/Saratoga-CA-… (this is where I grew up “the golden triangle”, in an average 2,000 sq ft home with my parents and 5 siblings) I live in Salt Lake City now.
Gotcha. Yeah, unfortunately, the houses in that link are closer to my current reality. I would love to live somewhere cheaper, but there are no jobs in my field in those places. There was a great article about that gap a few months ago: http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2014/…
Yeah, I live in one of those cheap places with tough job markets to break into. A small but reasonably well-maintained house in my neighborhood goes for about $60,000 USD…but I’m not sure anyone would give us a mortgage, seeing as how I’m in national service and Spouse is working part-time retail for minimum wage.
The awesome thing is that we would probably spend about half as much per month on said mortgage/taxes/interest/insurance as we currently do on rent.
We are thinking very hard about decamping to Large Urban Area a couple hours away when my term is up. But I will miss the thought of those $60,000 houses.
Wow, that’s…incredibly cheap compared to Australian prices. We’re in a housing bubble at the moment where you would be very, very lucky to buy a tiny studio apartment in a major city for under $400K.
My retirement plan is the Quietus.
Lord save us from the “rationality” and “objectivity” of men.
I HIGHLY recommend the Ayn Rand episode of the Dead Authors Podcast (well, I recommend the podcast in general – they just released a L Ron Hubbard episode!). Paul F. Tompkins plays HG Wells interviewing various dead authors whom he has brought to the present via his time machine. John Hodgman plays Ayn Rand. It is hilarious.
Huh, I read Ronson’s book completely differently. Jacqui Shine seems to treat it like a polemic essay, but to me it read more like letting people who were involved in incidents of public shaming (shamer and shamee) tell their stories. I felt it was more looking into how to deal with getting shamed than an indictment of any kind of public criticism.
Yeah, me too. I also felt that he handled the nuances in the “donglegate” story really well (and I’m usually really sensitive to this stuff) – you got the sense that while the dude she shamed didn’t really deserve it, the consequences from the shaming were way worse for Richards. I definitely got the sense that he sympathized with her in the end. Honestly, I really recommend people read his book rather than dismiss it out of hand.
Oh God, no, not the shunning! HOW WILL YOU LIVE?!
I really really enjoy Ronson’s writing, usually, (Them: Adventures with Extremists is one of my favorite things to read on this planet) but when I heard the title of this book, my heart just sank. He has not subverted my expectations on this one, that’s for sure.
That child actor really knocked it out of the park. At first I wanted him to just shut the fuck up for half a minute then in the middle of the movie my sympathies did a complete 180 and I felt terribly sorry for him. Can’t wait to rewatch to see what I think of the ending the second time around.
1. I love your username.
2. I felt the same way- I mean, screaming kids do cause a kneejerk reaction in most people, because it’s a terrible noise (she said, glaring over her backyard fence) and if you’re the one who’s expected to deal with the screaming, then it gets really frustrating REALLY fast. And we saw everything from the mom’s POV, so we sympathized with the fact that her life sucked and no one sympathized with her and she didn’t have the emotional resources to deal with everything that she was expected to handle. But, then it flipped over to the kid’s POV, which is when you start to get that he’s, well, a kid- he doesn’t have the maturity or the experience of the world to get that Mom has stuff going on apart from him that sometimes makes her sad or angry. He just wants Mom, because Mom is the driving force in his seven-year-old life, and the threat of having that security yanked away is one of the most terrifying things that could happen to him.
1. Thank you. It came to me in a moment of inspiration when I found out about this place. I normally hate coming up with usernames.
2. That’s it exactly. He doesn’t have his bearings yet to be capable of understanding the bleakness of her existence because no one that age does. Plus she started giving him sleeping pills (on an empty stomach!!!) leading to that hilarious line where he tells the social worker that his mom is giving him drugs. Such a great movie.
Holy One, Holy God, Holy Three
You, who indwelled with Mary
You, who wrap us in love like a mother hen enfolds her chicks under her wings
You, who calls to us like Sophia at the city gates
Holy One, Holy God, Holy Three
Shelter us from those who use Your Name as a hammer (to hurt)
Shield us from those who use your words as knife (to wound)
Save us from those who believe they are chosen (to tell others how to live)
Holy One, Holy God, Holy Three
Teach us to use Your Name as a hammer (to build)
Talk through us and use your words as a knife (to heal)
Testify that all are chosen (as beloved)
eta – dammit – meant as a reply about the Calvinist brother in law
Pretty spectacular as an “apropos of nothing…” comment, tho
Oh, this is terrifically gorgeous. Where is it from?
Thank you so much! I wrote it. 🙂
I wondered, when the Googles turned up nothing! It’s beautifully balanced and profound. If I were a musician, I’d try to find a tune to set it to as a hymn.
BLESS YOU!!
So…does Mallory have friends or not?
I think she mostly has supplicants.
This Millennial is crying because of the job market, and by extension the fact that she has to live at home with her parents, including her dad who frequently starts yelling and swearing about the fact (“fact”) that white Christian men are the most persecuted demographic on the face of the planet.
Also, PMS.
The Babadook is fantastic, and it makes you feel like maybe your kid is actually really easy to deal with in comparison.
OK so I was not really digging Yoga all that much (even though Janelle is a goddess) the first time I heard it, but then the video came out AND CONSIDER ME A CONVERT. The video makes it. I can’t stop listening to it now and I need to learn the dance.
In addition to the money given to “Jem Sampson for marketing”
“Next on the agenda is our big tippet campaign for next season. Sampson, that’s your baby. We’ve got first-move advantage on this, people. Our brand positioning is that if you’ve got a muff, you need a tippet. I want a promotional strategy run past primary focus groups and on my desk by Thursday morning.”
This isn't Crossfit, I don't think. (Or at least, most of the movements aren't very common Crossfit movements). Can anyone verify?
Yes it was!! Also the author's “this is what I think Ender's Game should have been like” subplot in Methods of Rationality was hilarious. (and not as good as the actual Ender's Game book.)