Previously in this series: If Natalie Dormer Were Your Girlfriend
1. If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, she wouldn’t be annoyed if you showed up to the Toronto International Film Festival with cat hair on your carefully pressed shirt. She’d lean into you during screenings and you’d smell her hair and sigh.
2. If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, she’d hold your hand at anti-austerity protests and share your complaints about the bitter cold and the obnoxious manarchists. You’d bring the coffee and she’d bring the megaphone.
3. If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, you’d collaborate on fanfiction about the Prime Minister’s wife. Sarah would scold you lovingly for using the word ‘smoldering’ one too many times.
4. If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, she’d coach you ever so gently on the art of surviving family dysfunction and defuse toxic competitions over who a certain dead relative loved best with stories from the set of Road to Avonlea. Like the time a pig got loose and trashed the craft services table. Or when she got in trouble for spilling purple kool-aid on an irreplaceable corset.
5. If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, she’d gracefully change the subject every time your Dad unhelpfully tried to recommend future film projects. Because you know he would.
6. If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, she’d insert Salt’N’Pepa lyrics into mundane conversations just to make you giggle. “I need to speak to customer service,” Sarah would tell the lady from Hydro, “it’s VERY NECESSARY.” “I’m not going to share details about my current cable service,” she’d tell the guy from Videotron, “That’s NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.”
7. If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, she wouldn’t know how to use snapchat either.
8. If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, she would preemptively inform others that you had that haircut before Justin Bieber was old enough to ride a two-wheeler.
9. If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, you would eat a lot of lentils together without lecturing anyone else about the virtues of eating a lot of lentils. And your fridge would be full of cheese.
10. If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, you’d spend your Friday nights drinking beer and doing impressions of Canadian celebrities. Late into the evening you would drunk text Margaret Atwood; she would drunk text right back. “LOL! On my way over.”
“she’d insert Salt’N’Pepa lyrics into mundane conversations”
She’s a keeper.
She would eventually dump me though when “Don’t get all 818 on me, Claire!” becomes my default response to every disagreement.
I said this to my mother-in-law the other day when she got a telemarketing call from an 818 number. She did not know what I was talking about. 🙂
ETA: Come to think of it, I should make her watch that, as she is a big Timothy Olyphant fan!
This is probably not the right place to mention I get Sarah Polley and Sarah Paulson mixed up, but I do, all the time, and it’s terrible.
I do too!
I just realized yesterday that Amy Schumer and Megan Trainor are two different people.
Because of who I was dating at the time, I ended up at a launch party for a film that likely none of you saw called The Law Of Enclosures, that has Polley in it, and I met her and was legit star-struck tongue-tied. And this was before Away From Her. But after, of course, Avonlea, Go, EXistenZ, Last Night, etc.
If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, she would present you with the box set of the Road to Avonlea DVDs that you have coveted for years. When you opened it up, you would realize that she had convinced the entire cast to sign them for you, and then had found someone to re-shrink wrap the entire thing to make it an even bigger surprise.
If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, she would have some friends over for drinks. She’d “accidentally” bump into Zachary Bennett, who would then spill a little bit of water on you. He would immediately apologize profusely, fulfilling a near-lifelong dream to have Felix King tell you how “SORE-ry” he was. You would catch her eye at that moment, her eyes twinkling at you.
If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, she would listen quietly when you confessed you too were unsure whether the man who raised you was your biological father. She would pet your hair and make comforting, knowing noises, but she would NEVER point out that your story was nowhere near as interesting as her family drama.
If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, she would not mind when you ranted about how Take This Waltz was one of the better examples of a movie where the entire dramatic tension would be removed if only someone could hand the main characters a copy of “Opening Up.” She would, eventually, write an alternate ending just for you.
My husband got me the Road to Avonlea box set for my birthday two years ago. I think he regretted it when I sat down and actually made him watch the whole thing.
(We both have the same inexplicable headcannon that Gus Pike is Daniel King’s real father.)
I hope in this alternate reality we have a different prime minister because I don’t know what kind of fanfiction you’d write about the current one’s wife…
OH WAIT NO I DO. Laureen Harper and John Baird being BFF cat rescuers together. Someone must have written that!
My fanfiction favourite for the genre of PM’s spouses is Olive Diefenbaker.
I can only assume it’s a reference to this: http://blogs.indiewire.com/thelostboy/the_rumored…
If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, the first 48 hours of your relationship would be endless questions about what it was like to film Slings and Arrows and whether she also thought her character was hard to root for and if she actually did drink margaritas with Martha Burn in that one scene and if William Hutt was nice to her because he seems so nice, like the nicest old man, does she miss him because I miss him and I was never in an amazing Canadian television show with him.
If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, you would have conversations from time to time on which one of the seasons of Slings & Arrows had the best theme song*. Whenever her father Michael visited you would eventually muster up the courage to ask him to recreate them with all of you.
*Season 1 for all time. Although they all have their charms.
You would try and fail to prevent yourself from referring to Michael, affectionately, as “duckie.”
*Season 1 or bust, absolutely.
*cries thinking about Slings & Arrows*
I have a grudge against her because Stories We Tell made me so motion-sick I had to leave for 10 minutes to dry-heave in the bathroom, and then sat through the rest of the movie with my eyes covered. The two people I went with also got queasy, but not as badly.
Sorry, Sarah. I loved you in Splice, but I take nausea very seriously. You’ll find someone more deserving, with a stronger stomach.
Now I really really really want to drunk text Margaret Atwood.
I saw the actual Sarah Polley with her baby at a caregiver-and-baby venue when I was there with my almost-toddler, and she was having an incredibly neat-sounding conversation with other moms, and I was too wimpy (and sweaty and tired from chasing my kid, who was the only one in the entire place who wasn’t completely sedentary) to feel cool enough to attempt to join in. Also, she’s my friend-with-a-baby’s neighbor and apparently very nice and they’ve shared baby clothes!
Very few gifs of Sarah Polley. Thank God she has tons of pics. So, picture thread!
Damn it, those eyes.
OK but no one writes fanfic about the prime minister’s wife, UNLESS we’re talking Margaret Thatcher. Laureen Harper does not have a personality. Though neither does her husband. I guess I would only write fanfic if it was about how they’re both secret robots or lizard people, is what I’m saying.
Right?! Cardboard cutouts on sticks have more personality than those two
I am fully* convinced that Harper is some kind of lizard person — and when Michael Ignatieff was in politics, I thought the same of him. They look like a pair of aliens who get their cheap human suits from the same supplier. And remember Stockwell Day? He looks so much like a gecko that when watching him in debates, I used to half-expect his tongue to come whizzing out and zot a passing fly.
*I mean, as fully convinced as I can be without actually believing in lizard people. But I’m very practiced at cognitive dissonance, so still pretty convinced.
I can’t tell if the Laureen Harper mountie love nest reference went over everyone’s heads or if it’s just that no one else finds it as fascinating as I do.
OK but no one writes fanfic about the prime minister's wife, UNLESS we're talking Margaret Thatcher. Laureen Harper does not have a personality. Though neither does her husband. I guess I would only write fanfic if it was about how they're both secret robots or lizard people, is what I'm saying.
*cries thinking about Slings & Arrows*
Right?! Cardboard cutouts on sticks have more personality than those two
“If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, she’d hold your hand at anti-austerity protests and share your complaints about the bitter cold and the obnoxious manarchists.”
I thought Natalie Dormer was the best one. I was wrong!
The couple that throws bottles of pee at the SQ together, stays together 🙂
"If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, she’d hold your hand at anti-austerity protests and share your complaints about the bitter cold and the obnoxious manarchists."
I thought Natalie Dormer was the best one. I was wrong!
The couple that throws bottles of pee at the SQ together, stays together 🙂
I am fully* convinced that Harper is some kind of lizard person — and when Michael Ignatieff was in politics, I thought the same of him. They look like a pair of aliens who get their cheap human suits from the same supplier. And remember Stockwell Day? He looks so much like a gecko that when watching him in debates, I used to half-expect his tongue to come whizzing out and zot a passing fly.
*I mean, as fully convinced as I can be without actually believing in lizard people. But I'm very practiced at cognitive dissonance, so still pretty convinced.
Hi I’m just here to say: can you do Tatiana Maslany? Please, please, please? 😀