Every line of this is horrifyingly cringe-inducing, but this – this, beloveds – if you are ever considering putting on a blonde wig and flying to your ex-fiancé's house, please call me first, and I will take you out for...for literally anything. Anything else.
Previously in this series: If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend.
If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would order your latte using the dumb Starbucks lingo even though you know he would much rather have gone to the tiny independent coffee shop ten minutes out of the way rather than embarrassing you by arguing with the barista over the word “medium.”
If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would let
Spin My sophomore year in college, I attended a study-abroad program in a tiny cobblestone city in Tuscany that was so beautiful I thought it was pretend. The streets were narrow and lined with churches and cathedrals and museums; every ceiling was painted with stories; every wall molded into gargoyles and cherubs. At its center was a football field-sized square called Piazza del Campo where everyone met up, drank in the culture, and in my…
The poet Joel Brouwer says that marriage is not a story: I believe him. We were almost married, and that is not a story either. In our flat I keep finding scraps of paper with my notes, things I am amazed I ever knew: that, for instance, Scottish registrars will let you cherish and obey, but an English civil service must be entirely areligious; that elope to Scotland?! was once a feasible idea; that you can purchase a…
1. When you love a programmer, you must to learn to love the back of his head. You must love his curls at the nape of his neck as much, if not more, than his eyes. Learn every inch of his body, every freckle, every rib, every muscle, even when they soften with time. But know that if there is one thing you must master, it is the back of his head. He will be…
Jasmine's previous imaginary girlfriend was Michelle Obama.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, full skirts would make you look like a ballerina. And like a ballerina, every time you entered a room, you would twirl and your skirts would flutter like butterflies are dancing around you.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, your skin would be luminous at all times, like someone rubbed pearls on it every night (someone
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, he would send you a selfie every day. Each one would have a dog somewhere in the background. If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, he would gift you a rope bracelet early on in the relationship. When you ask what it is, he would respond intensely, "This could save your life." If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, you would live in a lovely but sparsely decorated London flat. He…
Good morning, your death is surely nigh. DID YOU READ THE NEW YORKER THIS MORNING? NO? Keep in mind that The New Yorker actually does fact-checking, unlike, say, Harpers, which ran the 15 page AIDS denialist thing by Celia Farber! The New Yorker wants to save your LIFE. Let The New Yorker save your life! GET THE EVERLOVING FUCK OUT OF THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST WHILE YOU STILL CAN. At this point, some of you are…
Previously in this series: If Harrison Ford Were Your Boyfriend. We recently featured The Fug Girls on writing as a duo.
If Prince Harry were your boyfriend, he would, in secret, change his listing in your phone all the time. You’d have added him in simply as “H,” but one day you’d get a text from someone called “Henry IX.” And then a whole chain of them: “H. Balls,” “Jack the
Previously in this series: If Gillian Anderson Were Your Girlfriend.
If Harrison Ford were your boyfriend, he would let you and only you quote lines from his movies* in casual conversation. You would both get an especially big kick out of using the tunnel exchange from The Fugitive. He would say “I didn’t accidentally bleach the color clothes,” and you would yell “I DON’T CARE!” just like Tommy Lee Jones did,
It was always hard for me to watch things like this with you. You overreacted to everything on the news. I hated that about you. Every storm, every wildfire, every random shooting, every nighttime strangler, you acted as if seeing them on the news would somehow magically make them show up at our apartment door. You issued nonsensical warnings like “Be careful out there. They’re
Previously in this series: If Serena Williams Were Your Girlfriend If Kal Penn were your boyfriend, you wouldn't fight often. Not because you don't have arguments -- you definitely have arguments -- but they tend to be worked out more quietly. Your debates, however, tend to descend into nonsense when you get into the "agree to disagree" phase. "No, you're wrong and dumb and your opinion is wrong and dumb!" "Fine! I don't care!…
Previously in this series: If Vin Diesel Were Your Boyfriend If Prince were your boyfriend he’d let you have your friends over for pancake breakfast, just because he knew they saw that Chappelle’s Show sketch and would get a kick out of it. You’d know that his real specialty is egg sandwiches on buttery bagels, and he saves them for you. If Prince were your boyfriend he’d encourage you to buy as many jumpsuits…
Previously in this series: If Cobie Smulders Were Your Ostensibly Platonic Gym Buddy For Whom You Have Conflicted Feelings
If Archie Panjabi were your girlfriend, you’d have remarkably similar ways of doing the laundry. “Oh, do you stuff everything into the cheapest machine, too, then?” she’d ask, laughing. You’d agree that it is absolutely the worst chore ever, and that includes cleaning the toilet, but the idea of someone else touching your
