Here Is What Happens To You When You Work Out With Nicole Cliffe

by Mallory Ortberg · April 29, 2015

You will do lunges carrying a baby.

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You will be dead.

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“Who said anything about safe? ‘Course she isn’t safe. But she’s good.”

Okay bye forever

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


50 Comments

      1. YESsteveYES +146

        Mallory, you can’t just be dropping “REDACTED” all around with no hints or explanation and not expect me to post wildly and intentionally misleading speculation to stoke the flames into a Category 5 firecane.

        1. Laconic +15

          I mean if we can’t rely on the actual articles for irresponsible rumor mongering somebody’s gotta pick up the slack.

  3. jlper +356

    What’s great about using babies in workouts is that they naturally get heavier over time. No need to buy a new baby as you get stronger.

    1. Soooooooo +72

      Also, as they grow into toddlers (a.k.a. advanced babies), they become very vocal personal trainers. “PUT ME ON THE SLIDE! AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN!” And if you don’t comply they burst into wailing tears. It’s the best motivation in the world.

      1. EPWordsnatcher +31

        Plus, when they get squirmy it requires you to constantly adjust your balance, which is good core work (or something).

    3. Agnes_Gooch +15

      I definitely still do walking lunges with my 8 year old son on my back. it’s perfect! he thinks it’s amazing and my butt is looking mighty fine.

    4. annieleeroth +35

      Yes! I was just thinking this yesterday as I was doing bicep curls with my 2.5 week old baby. She’s only about 8lbs now, and I’m used to doing medium to high weight/low reps, but since hardly anything else soothes her, I’m doing the low weight/high rep thing for now. So I’m looking forward to her putting on a few pounds!

      Bonus baby Penny picture: http://imgur.com/Nf5aJwu
      ♥♥♥♥♥♥

    1. LeastBittern +20

      ToastChild “Do you even lift bro?”
      “Oh yes, there you are, doing squats with him. Carry on.”

      Edited because I said “ToastChile” instead of “ToastChild”.

      1. LeastBittern +37

        ToastChile: probably either beans on toast with some flavor OR maybe a spice mix you sprinkle on toast. Toragashi-esque stuff.

  6. ramina +10

    Sometimes I use my BFF’s cat to do curls with. This is a bad idea as I am allergic to cats. Now I know I should have used her child when I had the chance…2-year-olds are a bit too old to use as exercise props.

    Also, I am definitely reminded of this now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRG5cvn-5to

    1. packedsuitcase +26

      Not so! I have a whole toddler-lifting/chasing workout that I do with my friend’s twins.

      Actually, now that I think about it, I should pitch it to Nicole. Brb, must type out “Workouts with rented babies”

    2. Unreadaethel +8

      My 5-year old neighbor thinks it’s the best thing ever when I turn him upside down and carry him around like that. I just have to remember to alternate arms, and it’s an amazing workout.

  8. Absotively +89

    Is Thursday’s “Feel the Burn” going to be one of those workout articles where it starts out by claiming you don’t need any equipment, and then halfway through it says “hold a baby to your right shoulder”? Because I get kind of annoyed when that happens. If a workout requires a baby or a broomstick or a sturdy non-pedestal table of a particular height that isn’t near a wall, then I feel like it shouldn’t say “no equipment.”

    1. MilesofMountain +43

      I’m always curious when people describe broomsticks as one of those items everyone has lying around. All my broomsticks have brooms attached. Why do people have unaccompanied broomsticks? What do people DO with them beyond workouts and Pinterest DIYs?

      1. Absotively +11

        I mean, I have used my broomstick for exercises with the broom still attached, so that’s an option. And for most broomsticks the broom can be detached pretty easily, it just screws on. But who wants to reassemble and put away the broom after every workout? What if your broom storage isn’t near your workout area?

        Plus my broom is pretty cheap, and the last exercise I tried that used it caused it to bend alarmingly. My mop worked slightly better, but the wringer handle got in the way.

      2. Beakses +9

        We have a mop handle from a mop that I tore apart after it exceeded it’s useful lifespan (i.e. the point at which I could no longer find replacement mop heads for it at the two stores I would normally buy mop heads in). It’s main purpose in life is, indeed, workouts, but it also works for drip-drying bras in the tub. It’s not like it takes up much space stored next to the successor mop (which is superior at mopping, anyways).

      3. GruntledDave +4

        They are super cheap (like, $1.50) and they are about the same length as a barbell, so I keep a couple around so that folks can do things with them to warm up (like shoulder dislocates) or to approximate having a barbell in hand/on back/etc. without any actual weight (useful for when teaching people where to put their hands for a particular exercise).

        But, I didn’t have the broom handle lying casually around – I went out and bought the broom handles just for this purpose… after I clocked myself in the head with the broom head from our push broom. 🙂

      4. threatqualitypress +9

        You got to swing it around and pretend it’s a lightsaber. Bro do you not workout?

        1. malloryelis +16

          they are when you’re trying to develop thighs like Famke Janssen’s murder-legs in Goldeneye

  9. mabissam +31

    That baby-lunge move is true to life, when you’re holding the kid and you drop your keys/glasses/food snack.

    Also, Mallory I hope you can have Nicole hold your book while she does reverse lunges.

  10. nicole_44 +23

    That second picture is very SHE CAME IN WITH A MEEEEEEDICINE BAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!!!

  12. neeelkomol +9

    Mal’s expression in the second photo = Me during any workout ever. A mix of incredulousness, amusement at awareness of indignity, and “what am I doing here again?”

    I think we might be soul-sisters.

    1. neeelkomol +11

      Whereas Nicole just looks like a badass personal trainer. “You will do crunches till you DIE”. Meep.

    2. halfbakedidealists +3

      Yes! Today there was a guy (a MAN! Brave soul) behind me in Pilates class doing incredulous, quiet swearing and groaning audibly at most of the more ridiculous exercises (teasers?!?!?! Why would a human being do that by choice?!). I enjoyed this, it was like having someone give voice to my pain. You and me, brother. Slightly disbelieving in our predicament, we’ll battle on.

  14. gloriana232 +8

    It’s posts like these that remind me of what an awesome community the Toast is. And it’s a *community.*

  16. halfbakedidealist

    Yes! Today there was a guy (a MAN! Brave soul) behind me in Pilates class doing incredulous, quiet swearing and groaning audibly at most of the more ridiculous exercises (teasers?!?!?! Why would a human being do that by choice?!). I enjoyed this, it was like having someone give voice to my pain. You and me, brother. Slightly disbelieving in our predicament, we'll battle on.

  17. Online Games +1

    You’ve got the right idea, Loopy Lin: The best boost for your moves will come from the muscle in your music, but its so hard to get the right playlists! But since 2006, the editors and a few readers at Women’s Health magazine have complied lists to pump out every type of workout.

  18. Discount Gym Wear

    You've got the right idea, Loopy Lin: The best boost for your moves will come from the muscle in your music, but its so hard to get the right playlists! But since 2006, the editors and a few readers at Women's Health magazine have complied lists to pump out every type of workout.

  19. Online Games +1

    Here’s one called A Winning Workout Playlist:
    “Such Great Heights” by The Postal Service
    “Take Me Home Tonight” by Eddie Money
    “Love at First Sight” by Kylie Minogue
    “You’re so Damn Hot” by OK Go
    “Do You Want To” by Franz Ferdinand
    “Stick ‘Em Up” by Quarashi
    “Big Time Sensuality” by Bjork
    “Firestarter” by The Prodigy
    “Breathe Me” by Sia Fitness Subscription Box, Workout Subscription Box. Healthy Subscription Boxes