1. “I’d like you to know that I’m particularly smart. Here are some subjects I consider myself to be very smart about. There is no question.”
2. “Can you explain why I didn’t understand this presentation?”
3. “This question has two parts, neither of which have anything to do with the other or the subject at hand. Also, this question has four parts.”
4. “Can you possibly speak to an area that is outside of your expertise but is secretly in mine, so that when you can’t answer it, I can try to hang onto the microphone and answer it for you?”
5. “I’ve written a book. Why hasn’t anyone published it? I will not tell you what this book is about. I have already tried all of the suggestions you are about to offer me, so don’t even try it.”
6. “I have some opinions about other ethnic groups that I would like to take this opportunity to share.”
7. “Why aren’t I very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very famous and successful?”
8. “Hi, I’d like to complain about as many things as possible before the moderator realizes I’m not building up to a question of any kind and cuts me off.”
9. “I’m deeply unpleasant, and have run out of friends and family members who are willing to put up with my opinions.”
10. “I used to like your work, but I don’t now. Have you considered doing the things I like again?”
11. “Hi, I have a personal anecdote that I believe completely disproves the central thesis of your research?”
12. “JET FUEL CAN’T MELT STEEL BEAMS”
13. “This is more of an observation than a question – in fact it’s not a question at all – in fact it’s less an observation than an open-ended series of unconnected thoughts wrapped in a thin veneer of criticism – I’ve never asked a question in my life.”
14. “Someone else already asked my question. Make them give it back.”
15. “Thanks so much for you presentation. My own work, I believe, refutes everything you’ve ever done; I’d like to offer you a presentation of my own in the eighteen minutes we have left.”
16. “I noticed there are some things you haven’t done in your career. Can you explain why you haven’t done them, even though I consider them to be more important than the things you personally prefer to do?”
17. “I did something six years ago, and some people criticized what I did. Please allow me to explain why they were wrong to disagree with me, in detail, and then tell me that you agree with me.”
18. “I drifted in and out during the middle of whatever it was you were talking about. Could you please revisit that entire topic? I will not be more specific, thank you for your time.”
19. “I have read a great many books. Please acknowledge how many books I have read. I will not stop listing them until you acknowledge it.”
20. “Uh, yeah…uh, I was wondering…do you, uh, what’s your policy on, uh…lunch?“
Tags: i have been guilty of some of these, perfidy and wretched villainy, questions
paraphrase of commenter "I've been eating crunchy cookies this whole time, so I didn't really hear anything you said, but I somehow got the idea that this author thinks you can make babies, and since I'm an engineer, I'm here to tell you that we don't have the technology for that. etc etc etc I don't think this has anything to do with Irish nationalism"
me interrupting "I think it's meant to be a play on sex, you know, making babies…it was a memoir about pregnancy…"
my very first paper presentation ever. (the author was Anne Enright for the curious, it was a really lovely memoir)
Or uses weirdly turbo-American metaphors like "He was sweating like a cheeseburger"
She is the BEST at shutting down stupid questions. Watch her appearances on Q (she obv knew Jian was a d-bag already) and any time she is interviewed by George Strombo.
The calculating, pretentious coordinator of my MFA program did a Q&A Aleksander Hemon for our class. She had obviously annoyed him somehow backstage, because his body was turned almost completely away from her, and her first question was to obnoxiously ask him is she could call him "Sasha" to which he said "No". And then she immediately asked him about the tragic death of his young daughter as if it were a simple plot point in a novel and not HIS REAL GD life. It was a hideous thing to watch.
This is a (terrible, transparent) cover for the fact that the student did not do the reading but wants to appear as if she has, and has thought about it at length, and in fact has some questions/concerns about the content of said text, which she absolutely did read prior to class today.
Source: myself
This is true!! I had an Italian prof who would just stare at the student blankly, then say, "But that's not relevant at all." I felt like setting off fireworks of joy every single time.
Oh my gosh, or every person asking the question has to sit in the red chair from the Graham Norton show, and the presenter can flip them if they so choose.
The writer / artist Lynda Barry did a book reading at a theatre in Montreal. There was a blizzard that night but about 600 people showed up. Many audience members looked like cartoon characters. I supposed that this reading was somewhat like being at a Con was all about. And at the end, Lynda told the audience that she would not do a Q&A because everyone just used them to show off. My hand shot back down. She was right. In lieu of answering Qs she sang a song while keeping her mouth closed. It was hilarious and fitting. And then she signed everyone's books.
JET FUEL CAN'T MELT DANK MEMES
I once went to a event/conference where the Q&As were good. It was a conference for journalists. The questions were nearly all succinct, pointed, and well-phrased, even the slightly show-offy questions.
I don't really expect the experience to be repeated, ever. I think it really has to be an entire room of professional question-askers trying to show off their question-asking skills for it to work.
She really is! She is my all around fave. She's just so relatable!
Oh my god, thank you so much for that! What a great comic Tumblr.
What a horrible waste! I mean not that I'd have come up with any sparkingly insightful enquiries or whatever, but how disappointing.