Previously in this series: If Archie Panjabi Were Your Girlfriend
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he wouldn’t mind that you spend every Sunday alone with your friends. “You’re not just friends, you’re a family,” he’d say while you get ready for brunch.
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would rewatch Gilmore Girls with you without argument. He would be staunchly Team Dean (much to your annoyance) until Dean cheats on Lindsay, at which point he would feel personally betrayed. He would always refer to Jess as “that punk” in his signature baritone growl.
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, you would both cry during the same scenes in Pacific Rim.
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would dedicate every karaoke song to you, loudly and without shame. “Is he singing ‘Rich Girl’?” your friend would whisper after the dedication. “Yes,” you’d reply and smile, because it’s weird but you like it.
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he’d never pressure you to go to the gym, but would enthusiastically tell you if you were squatting with the proper form whenever you ask. Whether you’re squatting with proper form would continue to be an unending mystery.
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, you would stay in some weekends to record lip dubs of that Carly Rae Jepson song. You would never share these videos with anyone else. You would be embarrassed, he would be proud.
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, you would never correct him if he misused words like “munificent” or “iconoclast.”
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would hold your nephew and laugh and look at you every time, amazed, as though you had anything to do with it.
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would constantly ask you to pick him up another pack of wifebeaters on the way home, and you’d grimace, because you’d wish he wouldn’t call them that, but the truth is you love him in a wifebeater.
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, you would shave his head every Sunday afternoon. You would consider it an act of foreplay, though you would never tell him this.
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would buy you your favorite candy, but ration it out and hide it from you because he knows you lack self control and sugar makes your face break out. You would be very vocal about how annoying this is, how paternalistic it is, but when you woke up the next day with smooth, clear skin you would be thankful and drop the issue, though you’d never admit that you’re glad he hid the fucking candy.
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, you would agree that you couldn’t both be drunk after that one time he passed out on top of you and you were too drunk to escape.
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would ask you frequently if “this hat looks cool” and you would always say “yes,” even though the answer would always be “no.” After a week of whatever new hat you had endured, you would lament that though you “loved the hat,” his bald head was one of your favorite things about him, and he would give said hat up, until he happened upon a new hat and the cycle began anew.
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, you would drink a lot of Moscato wine. More Moscato than you are comfortable with, to tell you the truth. But it’s his favorite, and relationships are “about compromise,” you’d think as you steeled yourself for another sip.
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, you would call him “Vin” when he tops and “Mark” when he bottoms.
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, you would make him read Chronicles of Riddick fanfiction aloud to you on the couch.
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would start a Twitter account exclusively to retweet your tweets. You would wake up a couple times a month to dozens of notifications, which would fill you with fear and excitement, and then annoy you once you realized they’re all from him.
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, your biggest arguments would center around where it is and isn’t appropriate to wear board shorts.
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would complain loudly about all the things you like “ironically” until you were forced to admit that you just actually, genuinely had a real interest in seeing The Age of Adaline in the theaters.
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would shake your father’s hand and hug your mother and never call them anything but “sir” and “ma’am.” He would hold your hand for twenty minutes while you sit in the driveway of your childhood home, confidently assuring you that they’ll love him even though he is a man and not a pretty girl. He also wouldn’t take it personally when they did not love him, and would whisper in your ear “I am Groot” to cheer you up as you’re leaving. It will cheer you up.
Tags: beauty, joel kim booster, relationships, vin diesel
This is the one.
These pieces always give me surprising new crushes.
this is everything i ever needed <3
He also wouldn’t take it personally when they did not love him, and would whisper in your ear “I am Groot” to cheer you up as you’re leaving. It will cheer you up.
THESE AREN’T TEARS, IT’S JUST RAINING ON MY FACE. Stop making me have feelings about men I never had feelings about before!
^^—YEP
He would tear up a little when you whispered back, “We are Groot,” and you’d bump foreheads before going home and curling up together for a nap.
well DAMN, thanks for making it rain harder. Haven’t you heard my whole city is drowning already?
“Stop making me have feelings about men I never had feelings about before!” is pretty much my reaction to this entire piece.
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would bang you like a wheelbarrow while yelling “Yippie-kay-yay-ay!” at the mirrored ceiling of his Palm Springs bed chamber.
/just a thought
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, why are you ever leaving the house? Or even the bedroom?
humbly submitting a request for someone to do Dwayne The Rock Johnson next
YES PLEASE THIS PLEASE
I want this. I’m not sure I deserve this, but I want this.
Yeah, I’m ready. I’m ready now.
If Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was your boyfriend, he would never make you eat cod with him. He would be delighted when you did, but totally understands your varied food needs.
I want this so much.
YES!
They kind of did, with http://the-toast.net/2014/06/10/scenes-imaginary-…
Stop having the same thoughts as I did!! o_O
I sometimes forget that The Rock and Vin Diesel are not the same person.
(ETA: but if The Rock were your boyfriend, he would lip-sync “Shake It Off” to make you feel better every time you were blue.)
HERE FOR THAT
This is just really totally lovely. I have _no_ useful things to add but am forwarding to DefinitelyNotATrouserSnake for advice on how to be introduced to parents.
But Vin Diesel would ALWAYS tell you if your squat form is off! He cares about you too much to let you fuck up your knees.
“If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, your biggest arguments would center around where it is and isn’t appropriate to wear board shorts.”
Always appropriate, sweetie, always. You rock those shorts. And your wifebeater tank top.
If Vin Diesel was my boyfriend, we would agree that Saturdays would be for playing World of Warcraft together in the same room, but he’d never be offended if I wanted to wander off to quest alone.
Yeah, give me King of Nerds Vin Diesel all day, every day! On Saturdays, he’d play D&D with The Rock and I’d be out all day at a Magic tournament and in the evening, we’d trade funny stories and he’d always be so proud of me for Top-8ing and excited when I give him ideas for when it’s his turn to Dungeon Master next week.
(By which I mean that the article is beautiful, but slightly lacking in King of Nerds Vin Diesel, you know?)
Did they forget to publish page 2 where all the gaming stuff was listed?
Well now I want all of the men in my life to have a boyfriend as loving and wonderful as Vin Diesel clearly is. I am also retiring to my bunk after that note about shaving his head…ahem.
I very much enjoy that this dovetails nicely with the D&D games Vin Diesel plays with the Rock. And me, obviously. Because in this scenario the Rock is my best friend too.
“If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, you would call him “Vin” when he tops and “Mark” when he bottoms.”
Swoon.
That wasn’t something I knew I needed but when I read that line, it was perfect
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, the two of you would put together a Dungeons and Dragons campaign with some friends that played twice a month, like clockwork. You’d tag team DMing, because you both love telling a great story (and you collaborate so well), but you also both love the excitement of discovery that comes with being a PC. Other members of the party would confide in you that it is one of the best, most involved campaigns they’ve ever played. There would never be any annoying, pointless bickering over the rules.
That picture, paired with the words “you’re not just friends, you’re a family” is absolutely perfect. Vin Diesel, be with me forever!!!
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, how much D&D would you play?? I would play ALL OF THE D&D WITH VIN DIESEL.
Toasties, do you play D&D (or other tabletop RPGs, etc) with your SOs?
D&D was how I met my SO. I heard he was starting up a game, so I marched up to him in the college cafeteria and said, “I WANT IN.”
The rest is history. We still play campaigns on the regular.
This story has like a plus-40 check for swooning and I am happy to have failed.
My Shadowrun group is all ladies (except for our very patient GM), so sadly Mr Thuja can’t take part.
Ahhhh, this sounds like so much fun! I’ve been meaning to get into Shadowrun and an all-lady party sounds like a dream. Do you all play lady characters as well?
It’s tons of fun. We probably do a lot more table talk than a lot of groups (this is the first tabletop RPG experience for all of us), but we have so much fun. We have three female characters and two that are…sort of male (one is a spirit who presents as a human male and one is a teddy bear shaped robot). I play an ace lady troll who really likes to punch things and listen to Britney Spears while riding her motorcycle. We just took out a Yakuza leader in our last session, it was very exciting!
That SOUNDS exciting!!! I am relatively new to tabletop and have only played Pathfinder with any regularity, but would love the room for cultural reference points that Shadowrun would allow, e.g. your character’s badass Britney Spears fandom.
My favorite part of the Britney Spears fandom is that the game is set in 2050ish, so Phaco (my troll) is totally listening to golden oldies 😀
This worldbuilding environment is my dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
Isn’t it great? We all have crazy back stories for our characters and I love it. One of the ladies based her character heavily on Sophie Devereaux from Leverage and another lady actually paid an artist on Tumblr to do a quick sketch of her character. We’re all new to RPGs, but dang we have fun!
I felt a pang of such intense jealousy! I’ve been trying to get a shadowrun group together for such a long time to no avail.
If we didn’t already have one person skyping in (is that even a real phrase), I’d say you should join us via the internets! Instead I’ll just cross my fingers that you have increased luck at getting a Shadowrun group together in the future.
Thanks! I’m also in the process of moving, so perhaps kicking off a campaign is probably not the most responsible choice …. and yet.
Yes! And my SO, having been tragically deprived of nerdy things like D&D when she was young, is awesome at it.
Her current character asks the question, “what if Calamity Jane, from Deadwood, was a druid who could turn into a bear and tear people in half?”
The answer is that everything would be amazing.
I also got into tabletop/D&D relatively late! I played like one session as a high school senior, and then when I finished college and moved to my current city, joined a Pathfinder group as a way to make friends. And it’s absolutely true with zero personal bias, us late-bloomer RPGers are the best and brightest and most flawless players, 100%.
I bore two sons for the man, he can RPG with them. And our niece, when she’s in town. As long as I’m left alone until the board games are unboxed.
I used to play D&D w/ my ex-husband. When we got divorced I lost my gaming group, sadly.
Nooooo! 🙁
I feel like we might need to start a Toast gaming group one of these days.
Yes! I would 100% be interested in a play-by-post scenario or similar.
I would be into that.
Mr Wren and I are both huge D&D/RPG fans. He loves to DM, which works well, because no one else wants to argue with him about rules. He’s that guy, which is pretty annoying, but he’s a really fun DM, so it makes up for it.
If the Burgomaster and I had time, we would definitely have an RPG group. We occasionally talk about it, but…
I play multiple tabletop games with my husband, and often our kids play as well. We are a family of nerds.
I recently watched Song of the Sea (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1865505/), so between your comment and your username I’m imagining an adorable cartoon selkie family playing tabletop games. CUTE!
I have not yet gotten to play any tabletop RPGs with my significant other. However, my absolute favorite RPG group of all time had two couples in it–one who was a couple before we started the group, one who started dating possibly because of the group. It was so impossibly fun. We played the Firefly tabletop RPG and ended up accidentally destroying the food supplies of entire planets on multiple occasions. But eventually both couples split up, and I think that’s one of the main reasons we stopped meeting.
We’re about to start a campaign when we move into the new house in August! Cannot wait. Boyfriend is DMing, I am roguing it up. We have three ladies and three fellas and absolutely no healer, we need to find one more player so we don’t all die before level 2.
HEALING IS CHEATING!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Just kidding, my barb would be hella dead if not for our wizard and pally…)
I’ve now played the Dragon Age RPG twice with the boy, my little brother and a friend. It was fun… But I have to admit I prefer “normal” tabletop games. I never deal well with an open world. I kind of like rules and constraints.
I dated two separate members of my D&D group lo, these many years ago. I’m still very good friends with one of them.
::sigh::
And now I’m blushing at work.
oh my god the last one made me TEAR THE FUCK UP. FUCK. VIN DIESEL. YOU ARE GROOT.
Why does he need so many wifebeaters–
[thinks about it]
…
[continues thinking]
The thing about the hat! Why was that perfect? Why is this all perfect?
There is absolutely NOTHING in the world that could not be cheered up by Vin Diesel whispering “I am Groot” in my ear.
If Vin Diesel were my boyfriend, I’d probably have the Chevelle on the road by now and I’d let him drive it. Sometimes. When he asked real pretty.
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, you would politely ask him to stop telling the story about how he was the actor Vin Diesel but got bit by a radioactive Osama Bin Laden and is now Osama Bin Diesel.
Any other Human Giant fans on The Toast?
I ship it, yes.
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, D&D with the Rock, Wil Wheaton and Dame Judi Dench would also be known as ‘the second Sunday of every month’.
I would start playing D&D expressly to hang out with that combination of people.
I just read this out loud to the boy. I swear the tears in my eyes were tears of laughter. Mostly.
Oh no, long before we got to Dean cheating in Gilmore Girls I’d have talked him off of Team Dean. Dean was a violent, controlling, emotionally manipulative shithead. If Vin were my boyfriend, he’d listen when I critiqued media.
And then I’d introduce him to Hero System so he could run a Champions by Gaslight game for me.
Forget the Chronicles of Riddick fanfic. If Vin Diesel was *my* boyfriend, he would read me Vin/China Mieville slash, all of which would be named after Vin Diesel movie titles, and not all of which would be written by me. (I will plead the 5th when he asks if I wrote XXX because the truth will be that I wrote 2Fast2Furious after we had that fight, the one about board shorts.)
I suspect that Vin Diesel is, in fact, my boyfriend
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would agree to go as Tidus to a Con when you’re cosplaying Yuna.
My at-the-time boyfriend was not Vin Diesel, and he would not go as Tidus when I went as Yuna. =(
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would totally cosplay as Matrix while you cosplay as AndrAIa and it would be perfect.
I feel like this is a good place to post this game about Vin Diesel being your DM in a game of Dungeons and Dragons, because I feel very strongly that everyone should play it.
I am glad I read this article late and caught your link to this absolute gem of a game.
I sometimes forget that The Rock and Vin Diesel are not the same person.
(ETA: but if The Rock were your boyfriend, he would lip-sync "Shake It Off" to make you feel better every time you were blue.)
I would start playing D&D expressly to hang out with that combination of people.
Boyfriend heads should be shaved on Friday mornings so they’re newly shaved for the weekend. COME ON NOW. Do you want your boyfriend to look sexier for you over the weekend? Or for his coworkers on Monday?
I hear you. My brother looks almost exactly like Rupert Grint. It gets weird in fanfiction realms sometimes.
Um anyone bother to think maybe Vin’s significant other might be a little bothered by people writing articles titled ‘If Vin Diesel was your boyfriend”? It’s also a little worrying that the author wrote the article as if they knew Vin personally. Vin is in a relationship as far as I know and people should have a little respect for it. Shiping fictional characters is one thing but shipping people in real life (especially when you ship them with yourselves) is a little creepy/disrespectful.
… you’re new here, aren’t you?
My favorite thing about Vin Diesel is that he is a hardcore D&D nerd. So my headcanon is
“If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would never, ever pressure you to roll a heavy-combat character, and would think that your bard was cool as fuck.”
“If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would take it as a given that girls play D&D, and when his gaming group makes sexist comments, he just stares at them with his action-protagonist-glare until they stop talking.”
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, he would be a super feminist DM without you ever having a conversation about it. He would slip Madeline L’Engle references into his campaigns just to make you smile, and 50% of all NPCs would be women. No one would make a fuss about it.”
I love this comment and by extension I like you. I actually just signed up here to post something similar.
“If Vin Diesel was Your GM.”
If Vin Diesel were your GM, he’d help you construct a well-rounded character with great stats while gently steering everyone away from min-maxing to the point where you don’t have anything to work towards.
Vin Diesel would give out experience points lavishly but fairly.
Vin Diesel would have most of the supplements for his favorite edition, but he wouldn’t rely on them too much because when you come down to it, RPGs are about the characters and the story, not crunching numbers.
Vin Diesel wouldn’t blink an eye if you wanted to play your Mary Sue character with the ridiculously angsty backstory, because he knows that a lot of people work out their issues with RPGs and who is he to judge what you’ve been through?
When Vin Diesel brought in one of his favorite NPCs, you would really look forward to it because he invests them with so much life. They’d be like old friends to you.
Vin Diesel would have a well-constructed world, but he wouldn’t demand that you memorize everything about the setting just to function in it.
Vin Diesel would also have his own homebrewed game system with unique mechanics and really interesting stories. He wouldn’t push it on anyone, but occasionally he’d just mention that he’d like to try it out if anyone’s interested, and you’d be genuinely interested.
Vin Diesel would clean up his place before everyone came over and would stock up on healthy snacks, like fruit smoothies and kale chips with cashew dip, but if you wanted to bring over Mountain Dew and Doritos he’d definitely be cool with that.
If your character died, Vin Diesel would make sure that you got a really epic death scene.
Vin Diesel would let you play a Masquerade clan in Requiem.
The entire post is amazing, but THIS
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, you would agree that you couldn’t both be drunk after that one time he passed out on top of you and you were too drunk to escape.
made me squawk with laughter.
The entire post is amazing, but THIS
If Vin Diesel were your boyfriend, you would agree that you couldn’t both be drunk after that one time he passed out on top of you and you were too drunk to escape.
made me squawk with laughter.