GREEN KNIGHT: hi hi
come over
it’ll be fun
we can whack off each other’s heads with swords
GAWAIN: what
GREEN KNIGHT: you can make out with my wife
GAWAIN: sorry what
GREEN KNIGHT: you can make out with me
GAWAIN: what?
GREEN KNIGHT: come over
we’ll have dinner
with all our heads on and also clothes
GAWAIN: your clothes – your hair – your face – they’re all green
GREEN KNIGHT: that’s not all of me that’s green
GAWAIN: what is that supposed to mean
GREEN KNIGHT: let’s play a game
you hit me today and i’ll hit you a year from now
GAWAIN: it’s Christmas
GREEN KNIGHT: fine
hit me today and i’ll hit you a year and a day from now
happy?
GAWAIN: I don’t understand the rules of this game
or the prize
what is the end goal here
GREEN KNIGHT: are you going to try to cut my head off or what
[GAWAIN cuts the GREEN KNIGHT’s head off]
GREEN KNIGHT: great hit
see you in a year
[The GREEN KNIGHT picks his head up and rides away]
GAWAIN: oh my God
KING ARTHUR: honestly
my advice to you is not even worry about this
GUINEVERE: yeah do not take this seriously
GAWAIN: why would I do that
that’s a terrible idea
this man can’t die and I have to let him strike me in a year
KING ARTHUR: look i just said that was my advice
GREEN KNIGHT: welcome to my castle, we’ve definitely never cut off each other’s heads before, my name is Bertilak and I am a regular human color, how are you
GAWAIN: Hello
thank you for your hospitality, but I cannot stay long
I have an appointment with a man at the Green Chapel in a few days
GREEN KNIGHT: that is JUST down the road from here, probably
you should just stay here until it’s time for that, stay here with me and my wife
GAWAIN: very well
I accept
GREEN KNIGHT: oh but shoot I have to go on a hunt, like right now
so why don’t we just agree to play a game for as long as you’re staying here
where I bring you whatever I find during the day
and you bring me whatever you find during the day
GAWAIN: what an odd suggestion
why don’t I just come hunting with you instead?
GREEN KNIGHT: NO
YOU STAY HERE IN THE CASTLE AND YOU GIVE ME WHATEVER YOU FIND HERE
GAWAIN: but you already own everything in the castle, it’s your c –
GREEN KNIGHT: I WILL SEE YOU ON THE MORROW
LADY BERTILAK: whatcha kissin’
GAWAIN: what?
nothing
LADY BERTILAK: let’s make out
GAWAIN: I don’t feel like we should do that
LADY BERTILAK: if you don’t kiss me at least once it would really hurt my feelings
GAWAIN: well
if it would hurt your feelings
LADY BERTILAK: great
now you can make out with my husband tonight
GREEN KNIGHT: GAWAIN
I have brought you a deer from today’s hunt
what do you have for me
GAWAIN: I uh
I guess I have some kissing for you to have
GREEN KNIGHT: sounds great [they kiss]
ok see you tomorrow
GAWAIN: oh I really don’t want to play this game again, this is making me sort of unco –
GREEN KNIGHT: see you tomorrow
LADY BERTILAK: let’s have sex
GAWAIN: Okay, no for two reasons
one is that you are my host’s wife and also it goes against every vow of knighthood ever
and the second half of the second reason is that then I would have to also have sex with your husband
according to your weird castle sex game
LADY BERTILAK: mm that sounds like a Gawain problem
not a Lady Bertilak problem
GAWAIN: I’m not having sex with you
LADY BERTILAK: fine
here’s my underwear though, you have to take it
otherwise it would be rude
GAWAIN: well I don’t want to be rude
excuse me, I have to go kiss your husband again
GREEN KNIGHT: Well, Gawain
it’s been a great time here at Castle Makeout
but you’d better go fight that Green Knight you keep talking about
GAWAIN: I will probably perish when it is his turn to deliver the blow
Farewell, friend
GREEN KNIGHT: Gawain
Gawain it was me the whole time
GAWAIN: what
GREEN KNIGHT: I’m the same guy
and I’m not gonna kill you
I’m just gonna fuck up your neck a little because you kept my wife’s underwear and didn’t tell me
but you’re all right, guy
you’re all right
GAWAIN: what the hell
what the hell was the point of any of this
why the hell did you set all this up for
GREEN KNIGHT: :)
GAWAIN: what the HELL
KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE: henceforth we shall all wear green sashes
to celebrate the valuable lesson we have learned this day
GAWAIN: WHAT LESSON
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED
KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE: :)
