I love Subway sandwiches, I love everything about them, I love their poofy bread pillows they keep in those steam cages behind the register, I love that their lunch meat smells like my high school bio class when we dissected fetal pigs, I will never willingly step foot inside of a Quizno’s even though there is no earthly reason to prefer one over the other, because they both produce objectively bad sandwiches. I care no whits; I am fanatically loyal to Subway and would happily order a stack of their glossy white cheese triangles as a meal in itself. I LOVE SUBWAY AND I DON’T HAVE TO UNDERSTAND WHY. We live in a world of uncertainty, but Subway has mastered consistency, and I apply it regularly to my face as I would a balm or a salve.
Here’s what’s good at Subway:
- CRUNCH RIBBONS
- WET MEAT FLAPS
- WHITE TRIANGLES
- “THAT SUBWAY SMELL”
- BANANA PEPPERS
- SAUCE BUCKET
- BREAD DIMPLES
- SLICING
- VACUUM SEALED AVOCADO PASTE
- YOU WANT A SANDWICH PIZZA? WE’LL DUMP A SANDWICH ON TOP OF A FLATBREAD AND PUT IT IN THE OVEN, IT’S PIZZA NOW
- SHRIMP TUB
- TOASTED IS A FLAVOR
- FAKE BRICK WALLS
- SHINY CHEESE MOONS
- SAUCE GRAVEYARD
- BREAD SOFT LIKE COTTON BALLS
- CHICKEN PUCK?
- IT’S GOOD
- SOMETIMES THEY’LL REACH FOR A CUCUMBER AND A SLICE FALLS IN THE TOMATO BUCKET AND THEY LOOK AT YOU LIKE “I WON’T SAY ANYTHING IF YOU DON’T SAY ANYTHING” AND YOU JUST LEAVE IT ALONE
