Skip to the article, or search this site

Home: The Toast

subwayI love Subway sandwiches, I love everything about them, I love their poofy bread pillows they keep in those steam cages behind the register, I love that their lunch meat smells like my high school bio class when we dissected fetal pigs, I will never willingly step foot inside of a Quizno’s even though there is no earthly reason to prefer one over the other, because they both produce objectively bad sandwiches. I care no whits; I am fanatically loyal to Subway and would happily order a stack of their glossy white cheese triangles as a meal in itself. I LOVE SUBWAY AND I DON’T HAVE TO UNDERSTAND WHY. We live in a world of uncertainty, but Subway has mastered consistency, and I apply it regularly to my face as I would a balm or a salve.

Here’s what’s good at Subway:

  • CRUNCH RIBBONS
  • WET MEAT FLAPS
  • WHITE TRIANGLES
  • “THAT SUBWAY SMELL”
  • BANANA PEPPERS
  • SAUCE BUCKET
  • BREAD DIMPLES
  • SLICING
  • VACUUM SEALED AVOCADO PASTE
  • YOU WANT A SANDWICH PIZZA? WE’LL DUMP A SANDWICH ON TOP OF A FLATBREAD AND PUT IT IN THE OVEN, IT’S PIZZA NOW
  • SHRIMP TUB
  • TOASTED IS A FLAVOR
  • FAKE BRICK WALLS
  • SHINY CHEESE MOONS
  • SAUCE GRAVEYARD
  • BREAD SOFT LIKE COTTON BALLS
  • CHICKEN PUCK?
  • IT’S GOOD
  • SOMETIMES THEY’LL REACH FOR A CUCUMBER AND A SLICE FALLS IN THE TOMATO BUCKET AND THEY LOOK AT YOU LIKE “I WON’T SAY ANYTHING IF YOU DON’T SAY ANYTHING” AND YOU JUST LEAVE IT ALONE
Add a comment

Skip to the top of the page, search this site, or read the article again