Previously in this series: If Taraji P. Henson Were Your Girlfriend.
If Gillian Anderson were your girlfriend, you wouldn’t refer to her as your girlfriend. You would call her your partner, your lover, your better half – something more all-encompassing and worthy and deserving of her. You might not even call her any name at all other than yours, and it would fill you with an overwhelming sense of happiness and all things good.
If Gillian Anderson were your girlfriend, you’d love the way her accent occasionally shifts on certain words – chocolate, trousers, spartan. You’d lay in bed together at the end of a long day, and even though it makes no sense for you to be the little spoon, she’d curl around you, her arms fitting around your middle. You’d drift off to the melodious sound of her voice, and even if she realized you weren’t listening anymore, she’d just tuck you in under the covers a little more and turn out the light.
If Gillian Anderson were your girlfriend, you’d spend a long Sunday afternoon solely devoted to the pursuit of acquiring new art for your apartment, and she wouldn’t even tease you when you accidentally confused Monet and Manet – much.
If Gillian Anderson were your girlfriend, you’d have to learn to be okay with relocating to England – or at the very least, racking up some serious frequent flyer miles. You wouldn’t complain much because the two of you are at your most productive on a transatlantic flight. You’d bury yourself in your own writing while she jots down a rough outline for the sequel to her book. She’d refuse to show you a sneak preview no matter how hard you begged to proofread, but a month later you would find the dedication to you in the first few pages.
If Gillian Anderson were your girlfriend, there would inevitably be a conversation about getting a dog – low-maintenance and low-energy. It’d be lazy enough to tolerate two young boys tugging at its floppy ears but loving enough to curl up at your feet and drool on your toes while you read the paper in the morning, wordlessly passing each other the jam across the breakfast nook.
If Gillian Anderson were your girlfriend, she’d fully support you taking a year off work to finish that novel you’ve been saying you’ll start but never quite get around to. She’d track down a vintage typewriter for you from an old antique store and then make herself scarce for hours just to let you work in private, but always remind you to take breaks when you need them. “I do love your reading glasses,” Gillian Anderson would say, as she massaged your temples, “but you don’t want to strain your eyes, do you?”
If Gillian Anderson were your girlfriend, you’d frequently embrace her from behind for the sole purpose of resting your chin on the top of her head. You’d adore her in high heels but prefer her in bare feet, and the way the two of you naturally fit together.
If Gillian Anderson were your girlfriend, you would somehow find yourself owning more silk in general. You wouldn’t be able to pinpoint the exact moment when it happened, exactly, but your life would be a little bit more luxurious as a result. You’d change into your silk PJs and slide in between silk sheets and refuse to be productive in any way for the whole weekend.
If Gillian Anderson were your girlfriend, she would be okay with the fact that sometimes you just want to stay in and watch old James Bond movies. The two of you would spend hours debating over whose Bond is best, and you’d be firmly in Sean Connery’s corner in spite of how long she spent trying to get you to switch your vote to Timothy Dalton.
If Gillian Anderson were your girlfriend, you’d become someone who drinks tea instead of coffee. At Christmas, she would buy you an infuser.
If Gillian Anderson were your girlfriend, you’d find her long-term memory lapses endearing. You’d leave little Post-It note reminders all over the flat on your anniversary, but then she’d surprise you by getting you a gift on a completely random day for no reason at all. “I just wanted to see you smile,” she’d say, and leave you with a lingering peck on the lips.
If Gillian Anderson were your girlfriend, the two of you would get tattoos together – the permanent kind, the kind she wanted to get when she was in the middle of filming The X-Files but the kind that would have been too tricky and too expensive to keep covered up on a regular basis. You’d waver and waffle and then pretend to be brave and volunteer to go first, but she’d rescue you from yourself and sit down in the chair before you could stop her. “I don’t know why I let you talk me into this,” she’d say, and follow it up with a wink when no one else is looking. Later, she’d help you peel away the bandage and gently trace her fingertips over the design that’s based around an inside joke between the two of you, and the sensation of soreness would be beautiful.
If Gillian Anderson were your girlfriend, she’d have a relationship with David Duchovny that only the both of them understand – long, complicated and too entangled for anyone to put into words. The three of you would drink together, and he’d let you call him Double D. After you called quits and made the meandering trip up the stairs to your bed, the two of them would still be reminiscing long into the night – or even sitting together in comfortable silence, the quiet only broken by the occasional clinking of ice against a glass.
If Gillian Anderson were your girlfriend, every day would feel as though you were standing in the sun with your face tilted up towards its warmth, even in the midst of the coldest, harshest winter. You’d wonder if it was even possible to be happier than you are in that moment with Gillian Anderson – and then tomorrow would eclipse that happiness, and the next day, and the day after that for the rest of your lives together.
Tags: beauty, carly lane, gillian anderson, love, relationships
I couldn’t finish reading this because my heart exploded.
YES YES YES
also TIL that apparently gillian anderson is tiny? or at least as tiny as i am.
I believe her height is listed at 5’2.
I am also 5’2. Surely a sign from the universe? We’re meant to be!
I’m 5’1, I guess that means I would be the ever-so-slightly little spoon. I’m very okay with this situation.
I’m not sure how, but this extremely detailed and exhaustive list managed to be 100 percent accurate.
FINALLY THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TODAY THANK YOU FOR ANSWERING MY VERY SPECIFIC PRAYERS, THE TOAST!!
I hardly believe myself worthy enough to be Ms. Anderson’s girlfriend, but I would be beyond honored to have her as my life coach. Please, teach me the ways of sophisticated silks and Impressionist art!
*sighs dreamily*
I was talking with a couple friends just last week about how, if I married Gillian, I’d take her last name in addition to keeping my own.
Anderson is the most common surname in my home state, but for Gillian Anderson, I’d consider taking it.
If Gillian Anderson were your girlfriend, you would finally feel that the time was right to take off your person suit.
If Gillian Anderson were your girlfriend, he two of you would eat oysters, like, constantly. “They make you taste better!” you’d both say, and laugh.
If Gillian Anderson were your girlfriend, you’d get dance lessons from Mads while a dinner party was winding down, and for once you wouldn’t find yourself trying to lead. “You see?” he’d say with a smile. “You just relax, and the steps are as natural as gravity.”
…I may have strayed into a different fantasy.
I like where you’re going with this.
If Gillian Anderson were your girlfriend it would totally be that kind of party.
yesssssssss
And you would always know which wine to pair with a meal.
…this may have turned into “if Bedelia du Maurier were your girlfriend.”
Apparently Gillian Anderson had a Scully box to stand on for scenes with David Duchovny.
http://www.themarysue.com/gillian-anderson-scully…
And she still does! https://twitter.com/GillianA/status/6083817786178…
Those shoes look both painful and impractical.
They look lethal.
To her ankles, definitely. They probably have narrow heels as well as pointy toes, because shoes like that always do.
“and that’s the way we like it” – Hollywood
Her ’90s shoes were still somewhat impractical, but they at least had a chunkier heel and weren’t so pointy. I’m sick of female law enforcement officers on tv wearing stupid shoes, especially if they spend any time at all doing field work.
Dana Scully can wear whatever she wants. 😉 And she’s not in the FBI anymore.
Oh, 5’2″ is “surprisingly tiny” now? BRB getting my own Scully box.
Gillian Anderson is the best.
The word “lover” is the worst, in any context.
‘Virginia is for partners’ has a nice ring to it.
What do you mean you’re calling it quits with Gillian and Double D and going up to bed? If Gillian Anderson were your girlfriend she and Double D are joining you in bed for the most amazing menage a trois.
If Gillian Anderson WAS your girlfriend.
Are you saying it’s likely that Gillian Anderson is the girlfriend of the reader?
She gets to use the royal we because she’s so awesome.
No, it’s the subjunctive, were is correct.
The correct use of the subjunctive is one of the highlights of this series, IMO.
I’m pretty sure I just left a comment like 2 days ago asking for this. You guys move fast 🙂
I don’t smoke (cigarettes), but I always have a lighter on me just in case…
That gif just made me like 10 times gayer than I already was.
Thank you.
Welp I’m going to watch this gif on endless repeat for the rest of the morning.
Those eyebrows tho
I FORGOT ABOUT GILLIAN’S BOOK AND HOW I DON’T OWN IT YET
Also what does it say about me that I know EXACTLY what breed of dog is being described here? (It’s a basset hound, and you and Gillian will spent a lot of time turning it around so it doesn’t follow a smell into oblivion at the dog park, but you love the sleepy little pooter anyway.)
No, not the basset hound. I think it was some sort of bulldog. She tells a story while on the Nerdist podcast about Googling “low maintenance dog.”
YOU GUYSSSS
Literally last week my husband asked me if I was still attracted to Gillian Anderson and I said, “um, obviously, till death do us part”. Weird moment with the spouse.
Why would he even ASK something like that??
Maybe he was testing to see if you’d been replaced by an alien?
Moral conflict: I want to buy art and wear silk jammies and be super productive on long flights but I just cannot become a tea drinker. Sadly, I am unqualified to have Gillian Anderson as my girlfriend.
I am already a tea drinker and I want to wear silk jammies so bad but I would definitely immediately spill something on them. Maybe if Gillian Anderson were my gf I wouldn’t spill so many things?
If Gillian Anderson were your girlfriend, she’d let you wash her hair in the bath while she asked you probing questions about your childhood
Is it bad that one of my favorite things about this post is that it let me know how many Toast commenters are also Hannibal fans?
There are dozens of us! Dozens!!
Yup. We own the place now.
She would smile at me and I would collapse in a heap.
I am going to her play in New York in the spring. My husband got us front row seats. I am afraid I will do something embarrassing.
As I was reading the post, I realized with some trepidation that I am the Gillian Anderson character in the fantasy. Does this mean I am doomed to have no Gillian Anderson of my own? No one with whom to exchange infusers at Christmas, forget anniversaries, Google ‘low maintenance dog,’ and watch the quantity of silk in the house rising? Will the universe thwart my relationship goals because there can only be one?
Perhaps I can find a Stella Gibson instead. I would be happy reading at home in one of her silk robes, then sharing a smirk about her love bites when she returns from her crimefighting adventures.
When are you going to do ‘If Cate Blanchett Were Your Girlfriend’?
Please.
Virginia Woolf is for lovers.
Excellent homage.