Tomato Varietals That Are Somehow Not “Magic Mike” Characters

by Matt Lubchansky · July 20, 2015

Realtalk, gang: who is naming our fruits and vegetables? This is madness. Anyways, here are a bunch of tomato names that sound like strippers from the recent film Magic Mike XXL, which I do not think has yet been mentioned on this particular website.

Big Boy

White Wonder

The Arkansas Traveller

Hothouse Beefsteak

Moneymaker

Supersteak

German Johnson

Tiger Tom

Sweet Million

Husky Gold

Matt Lubchansky makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. You can find his weekly comics here, or on twitter here.

41 Comments

thewhelk +69 July 20, 2015 4:06 pm

Sorry I’m taking Husky Gold as my name, it’s mine now.

Es_Petal +19 July 20, 2015 4:08 pm

I’m grabbing Hothouse Beefsteak.
1. maccrocodile +65 July 20, 2015 4:10 pm
  
  I’ll grab Hothouse Beefsteak, given half a chance.
  1. thewhelk +36 July 20, 2015 4:14 pm
    
    Hothouse Beefsteak is the name Big McLargeHuge used while stripping
    1. Can't log in at work +18 July 20, 2015 5:34 pm
      
      Blast HardCheese
    2. sparkwoodand21 +3 July 20, 2015 5:51 pm
      
      I will take Sweet Million thank you very much
    3. mlitiagrl +5 July 21, 2015 5:30 am
      
      Flint McRunFast

JocastaCarr +76 July 20, 2015 4:07 pm

GERMAN JOHNSON are you KIDDING ME

These drawings are inspired, Matt, and I want them all on a giant poster. No explanation, just the sexy tomatoes and their official names.

lubby189 +81 July 20, 2015 4:09 pm

yeah if i’m not rolling up to this fall’s convention season without the hunky tomatoes, i don’t know what i’m doing at all
1. kilks401 +4 July 20, 2015 4:58 pm
  
  if you go to MICE and have these, I will have a friend buy a couple for me.
  1. lubby189 +9 July 20, 2015 5:00 pm
    
    i’m doing TWO cons in Mass. this fall! I’ll be at MICE and Topatocon, in the pioneer valley
    1. MsNormaDesmond +8 July 20, 2015 8:09 pm
      
      Tomatocon?
      
      (I know nothing about Cons, it just had to be said.)
2. ThatOtherWench +12 July 20, 2015 5:26 pm
  
  Excellent. I’m not allowed to buy internet prints without knowing which room/wall they go on in advance any more, but this one so obviously belongs in the guest-facing part of the kitchen that it isn’t even funny. (This rule is the only reason I don’t already own the street harassment one, but we are buying some new rooms/walls soon, so I will certainly have a land for that soon.)

laurenipsum +89 July 20, 2015 4:09 pm

There is definitely a fun game to be played with vegetable catalogs: “Sex Toy or Heirloom Veg?”

Either_Ada +52 July 20, 2015 4:26 pm

Depending on the vegetable, why not both?
Mrs_Peel +31 July 20, 2015 4:46 pm

It can be two things.

RudyRed +38 July 20, 2015 4:16 pm

I like to imagine the character White Wonder is black, just to fuck with clients’ heads.

Jill T +2 July 20, 2015 4:19 pm

Where’s Boxcar Willie?

sausagedog +32 July 20, 2015 4:25 pm

I honestly don’t know whether this is SFW or NSFW so I’m going to close the tab to be safe

SarahDances +64 July 20, 2015 4:34 pm

Disclaimers I never expected to have to send: Maybe nsfw? Tomatoes in lederhosen and banana hammocks.

Ellen W. July 21, 2015 4:04 am

That disclaimer really ought to be a tag too.

BourneApprox +31 July 20, 2015 4:34 pm

I quietly whispered “awww yisssss” when I heard that Jaya and Matt were filling in for two weeks, and now I remember why.

lubby189 +108 July 20, 2015 4:39 pm

this is not tagged NSFW because the human/tomato form is beautiful

maccrocodile +67 July 20, 2015 5:22 pm

“No, boss, it’s not tomato porn, it’s tomato art. Yes, I understand. Yes. I’ll have my desk cleaned out by the end of the day.”

Mrs_Peel +6 July 20, 2015 4:44 pm

I love these illustrations so much, and would also totally buy a poster featuring hunky tomatomen. <3

GruntledDave +14 July 20, 2015 4:47 pm

These all make amazing pro wrestler names, too. I guess there’s probably overlap!

RuncibleSpoon +15 July 20, 2015 8:30 pm

that is actually a venn diagram much fuller than i’d really considered before

mabissam +9 July 20, 2015 4:49 pm

Now I’m looking at mushroom varietals common names and thinking those could be writer’s wrestling names. Matt!!!!

sednarea51 +33 July 20, 2015 5:08 pm

unhappy that this post is not titled “Beefsteak Revue” or at least “Tossed Salads”

sednarea51 +27 July 20, 2015 5:10 pm

ALSO: Women Making Out With Salads
sednarea51 +34 July 20, 2015 5:18 pm

ALSO ALSO: “And now, on the main stage…SAN MARZANO!!”

<a href=”https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/San_Marzano_tomato” target=”_blank”>https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/San_Marzano_tomato

janekathy1 +4 July 20, 2015 5:12 pm

Excellent.

RebaSays +23 July 20, 2015 5:35 pm

Sure, Big Boy is popular, but what about Better Boy? Zebra Cherry! Bush Goliath! And my favorite: Pony Express. I would watch the hell out of the Busch Goliath and Pony Express show.

gorebooth +8 July 20, 2015 6:05 pm

I’ve got Green Zebra and the Mortgage Lifter in my backyard…
mkpatter +4 July 21, 2015 11:57 am

Pony Express would totally be my male stripper name, and I would only dance to “Pony.”

aqwaplop +54 July 20, 2015 7:28 pm

There are approximately one million corn varieties with universally amazing names, as well:
Country GentlemanSugar BunsBodacious R/MTemptation Challenger Frisky Bi-Licious

BourneApprox +50 July 20, 2015 9:39 pm

“Bi-Licious” OH COME ON

whollyword +5 July 21, 2015 3:04 am

I would particularly welcome a dance / salad performed by Black Prince (my favorite– deeply savory, almost salty flavor), Hippie Zebra, and the
Jollies.

Ganymede +2 July 21, 2015 5:47 am

I have a rose in my garden called “Double Delight”. Gotta be a porn film, right? Or off some dubious… menu…

Megano! July 21, 2015 11:57 am

Pony Express would totally be my male stripper name, and I would only dance to "Pony."

ayelltee +1 July 21, 2015 8:44 pm

Growing in our rooftop garden right now: Better Boy and Beefy Boy. I will forego any and all puns about the eventual ‘harvest.’

thewhelk +69 July 20, 2015 4:06 pm

Sorry I’m taking Husky Gold as my name, it’s mine now.
1. Es_Petal +19 July 20, 2015 4:08 pm
  
  I’m grabbing Hothouse Beefsteak.
  1. maccrocodile +65 July 20, 2015 4:10 pm
    
    I’ll grab Hothouse Beefsteak, given half a chance.
    1. thewhelk +36 July 20, 2015 4:14 pm
      
      Hothouse Beefsteak is the name Big McLargeHuge used while stripping
      1. Can't log in at work +18 July 20, 2015 5:34 pm
        
        Blast HardCheese
      2. sparkwoodand21 +3 July 20, 2015 5:51 pm
        
        I will take Sweet Million thank you very much
      3. mlitiagrl +5 July 21, 2015 5:30 am
        
        Flint McRunFast
JocastaCarr +76 July 20, 2015 4:07 pm

GERMAN JOHNSON are you KIDDING ME

These drawings are inspired, Matt, and I want them all on a giant poster. No explanation, just the sexy tomatoes and their official names.
1. lubby189 +81 July 20, 2015 4:09 pm
  
  yeah if i’m not rolling up to this fall’s convention season without the hunky tomatoes, i don’t know what i’m doing at all
  1. kilks401 +4 July 20, 2015 4:58 pm
    
    if you go to MICE and have these, I will have a friend buy a couple for me.
    1. lubby189 +9 July 20, 2015 5:00 pm
      
      i’m doing TWO cons in Mass. this fall! I’ll be at MICE and Topatocon, in the pioneer valley
      1. MsNormaDesmond +8 July 20, 2015 8:09 pm
        
        Tomatocon?
        
        (I know nothing about Cons, it just had to be said.)
  2. ThatOtherWench +12 July 20, 2015 5:26 pm
    
    Excellent. I’m not allowed to buy internet prints without knowing which room/wall they go on in advance any more, but this one so obviously belongs in the guest-facing part of the kitchen that it isn’t even funny. (This rule is the only reason I don’t already own the street harassment one, but we are buying some new rooms/walls soon, so I will certainly have a land for that soon.)
laurenipsum +89 July 20, 2015 4:09 pm

There is definitely a fun game to be played with vegetable catalogs: “Sex Toy or Heirloom Veg?”
1. Either_Ada +52 July 20, 2015 4:26 pm
  
  Depending on the vegetable, why not both?
2. Mrs_Peel +31 July 20, 2015 4:46 pm
  
  It can be two things.
RudyRed +38 July 20, 2015 4:16 pm

I like to imagine the character White Wonder is black, just to fuck with clients’ heads.
Jill T +2 July 20, 2015 4:19 pm

Where’s Boxcar Willie?
sausagedog +32 July 20, 2015 4:25 pm

I honestly don’t know whether this is SFW or NSFW so I’m going to close the tab to be safe
SarahDances +64 July 20, 2015 4:34 pm

Disclaimers I never expected to have to send: Maybe nsfw? Tomatoes in lederhosen and banana hammocks.
1. Ellen W. July 21, 2015 4:04 am
  
  That disclaimer really ought to be a tag too.
BourneApprox +31 July 20, 2015 4:34 pm

I quietly whispered “awww yisssss” when I heard that Jaya and Matt were filling in for two weeks, and now I remember why.
lubby189 +108 July 20, 2015 4:39 pm

this is not tagged NSFW because the human/tomato form is beautiful
1. maccrocodile +67 July 20, 2015 5:22 pm
  
  “No, boss, it’s not tomato porn, it’s tomato art. Yes, I understand. Yes. I’ll have my desk cleaned out by the end of the day.”
Mrs_Peel +6 July 20, 2015 4:44 pm

I love these illustrations so much, and would also totally buy a poster featuring hunky tomatomen. <3
GruntledDave +14 July 20, 2015 4:47 pm

These all make amazing pro wrestler names, too. I guess there’s probably overlap!
1. RuncibleSpoon +15 July 20, 2015 8:30 pm
  
  that is actually a venn diagram much fuller than i’d really considered before
mabissam +9 July 20, 2015 4:49 pm

Now I’m looking at mushroom varietals common names and thinking those could be writer’s wrestling names. Matt!!!!
sednarea51 +33 July 20, 2015 5:08 pm

unhappy that this post is not titled “Beefsteak Revue” or at least “Tossed Salads”
1. sednarea51 +27 July 20, 2015 5:10 pm
  
  ALSO: Women Making Out With Salads
2. sednarea51 +34 July 20, 2015 5:18 pm
  
  ALSO ALSO: “And now, on the main stage…SAN MARZANO!!”
  
  <a href=”https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/San_Marzano_tomato” target=”_blank”>https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/San_Marzano_tomato
janekathy1 +4 July 20, 2015 5:12 pm

Excellent.
RebaSays +23 July 20, 2015 5:35 pm

Sure, Big Boy is popular, but what about Better Boy? Zebra Cherry! Bush Goliath! And my favorite: Pony Express. I would watch the hell out of the Busch Goliath and Pony Express show.
1. gorebooth +8 July 20, 2015 6:05 pm
  
  I’ve got Green Zebra and the Mortgage Lifter in my backyard…
2. mkpatter +4 July 21, 2015 11:57 am
  
  Pony Express would totally be my male stripper name, and I would only dance to “Pony.”
aqwaplop +54 July 20, 2015 7:28 pm

There are approximately one million corn varieties with universally amazing names, as well:
Country GentlemanSugar BunsBodacious R/MTemptation Challenger Frisky Bi-Licious
1. BourneApprox +50 July 20, 2015 9:39 pm
  
  “Bi-Licious” OH COME ON
whollyword +5 July 21, 2015 3:04 am

I would particularly welcome a dance / salad performed by Black Prince (my favorite– deeply savory, almost salty flavor), Hippie Zebra, and the
Jollies.
Ganymede +2 July 21, 2015 5:47 am

I have a rose in my garden called “Double Delight”. Gotta be a porn film, right? Or off some dubious… menu…
Megano! July 21, 2015 11:57 am

Pony Express would totally be my male stripper name, and I would only dance to "Pony."
ayelltee +1 July 21, 2015 8:44 pm

Growing in our rooftop garden right now: Better Boy and Beefy Boy. I will forego any and all puns about the eventual ‘harvest.’