Happy Friday, Toasties! It’s my dad’s birthday, so I’d like to wish a very happy birthday to the man who is never too busy to take my calls or challenge my deeply held beliefs about Star Trek and sports. Nicole is in New York for ONE DAY ONLY to see Hamilton (feel free to register your envy in the comments), The Bartender has the week off, and I’ll be cutting out of here early for back-to-back back-to-school open houses, so please talk amongst yourselves! What are your weekend plans? Will you be eating any cake, birthday or otherwise? Clear eyes, full hearts, open thread!
Tags: meta, open thread, tgif
Hi Toast!!!! My parents came for a visit this week and I was off work so it was AWESOME and I was so glad to see them and now they are gone and I’m back at work AND it’s another month where I’m Not Pregnant and listening to the pregnant woman in my office yapping about it and fighting back tears for the rest of the day.
But what I really want to discuss is THIS AWESOME SKIN TREATMENT. I feel we are all friends now and will enjoy it. So I am prone to very dry feet even though I am diligent about pumice and lotion and stuff. So I tried this miracle thing called BABY FOOT where you put your feet in plastic bags of goo for an hour while you sit and work on your blog while watching Brooklyn 99 (that last part optional) and then wait a few days and ALL THE SKIN ON YOUR FEET PEELS OFF AND LEAVES IT SO SOFT. It is amazing AND a total bonanza for people like me who adore peeling skin like no other. The only downside is that the people you live with will follow you around with a vacuum because of the feetskinz for like a week.
Tell me which of your amazing beauty/skin treatments actually work???
OH man, I love peeling skin. It’s disgusting and fascinating all at the same time. I might have to do some googling on baby foot.
I HAVE HEARD OF THIS
also being one of those skin peely happiness people, it seems like it could either be the best thing that’s ever happened to me (an outlet for peeling foot skin!!!) or the absolute worst (oops, there goes ALL the skin, now I am bleeding).
It’s amazing and I am super peely and I have had no issues peeling too much! It’s like a sunburn peel, not a scab peel, if that makes sense.
Dunno that it’s worth it for me to buy this now that sandals season is almost over, but I’m definitely gonna try it next spring. Thank you for the suggestion!
wait, i am conflicted about this, because you sound so happy about it and because it is a beauty product that does what it claims(!) and because i have thickened hardened soles.
BUT i wear flipflops a lot, barefoot around the house, and without my protective callouses the world might never be the same!?!
glad this thing worked well for you, though
I go barefoot all the time and it hasn’t completely eradicated the calluses–they’re still there but noticeably smoother!
hmmmm, i am Intrigued…
ok I must try this – my calluses laugh disdainfully at pedicures and I spend so much time barefoot. I just want pretty smooth feet!
I’m also interested and worried. My calluses feet are so bad that my bedspread is all full of snags from them!
I keep a pumice stone in the shower, and use it every. single. time. I get in…..it doesn’t completely get rid of the calluses, but then, I wouldn’t want to because I commute on foot. It does, however, get rid of the scratchy bits, and makes the feets much smooother.
I just did this and it doesn’t penetrate the really tough parts all the way, so no worries! But it does peel for a long time, so better to do in a non-sandal wearing point in time.
I got a foot mask from The Face Shop and I thought it would be silly and gimmicky but it did leave my feet noticeably softer and smoother! It wasn’t the peeling type, but I went ahead and ordered that one online, I will report back with my findings.
I want to try baby foot, but I’ve seen photos online of feet that looked like they were burned by it? I’m too scared to try.
I cannot speak to that butit worked great for me!
I have super-sensitive skin and I’ve never had a problem with it? I find it’s most effective when I use it after a bath, so my skin is already softened when the booties go on.
I have looked at this product on Amazon so many times but for some reason never bought it. Buying it when I get home tonight.
I have collapsed toe bones in both my second toes, and the callouses underneath those babies…
Bizarre, I mean amazing beauty treatments you say? Well two nights ago I rubbed raw eggs into my hair in the shower. I’m one of those no shampoo people so every now and then I’ve started using eggs and it is incredible. My hair is so fluffy and soft. Like a beautiful blond poodle.
TRYING THIS TOMORROW.
It feels gross and smells like egg. And possibly it all depends on the types of eggs you use? (idk I get them from my mother’s chickens so they’re just eggs.) But from all I understand it’s definitely not a frequent thing. I’m waiting two weeks between mine. And the bigger the hair the more eggs needed. I used three last night and think might have to up it to four.
Thanks for the info! I have a lot of hair, too, and will try just about anything to get it fluffier/curlier/more reminiscent of a bird nest that doesn’t involve noxious salon products.
I pincurl mine afterwards and it seems to work great.
PICS
Egg was a few days ago as were original curls. Now it’s just a hot mess.
Running out the door selfies are not my forte. Ok. Any sort of selfies are not my forte. Any type of pictures at all really.
That is the first and last picture of me ever going on the internet. Y’all’d best take heed.
Looks great!!
(P.S. Can you please be my interior decorator and hair stylist?)
Love the dress, love the jacket, love the hair, love the room, love everything.
TELL ME MORE (I am no shampoo, too, but I do rinse with diluted apple cider vinegar to keep the funkiness at bay.)
I do apple cider vinegar too, but now every two weeks or so I grab eggs (three to four cause of the sheer volume of hair involved), whisk them in a bowl, glop them onto my head in the shower, massage it in, then rinse in cold water. Seems to work well.
Cold water. Yes. Wouldn’t have thought of that in time to prevent disaster.
How does the no-shampoo thing work, in practical terms? I mean, it makes sense, since shampoo didn’t exist for most of human history. Just curious.
I don’t wash my hair that often compared to most people (maybe twice a week) because it’s really dry and curly, but my scalp starts to get kind of itchy after a while.
Augh. Let me see if I can find a link or something that explains it. I am the worst at explaining.
You just kind of stop shampooing! I did it for a while and I would rinse-and-scalp-massage aggressively in the shower and then condition, which accomplishes pretty much the same thing without making your hair too dry and squeaky-clean. You’ll probably go through a sort-of-gross period, but it evens out.
I also had super short hair at the time, so I’m not sure how things play out with longer hair, but I too have dry and curly hair and I found that it responded very well.
I’ve been fascinated with the no-shampoo thing ever since I heard a couple radio hosts were challenged to go without it for a month, and by the end they reported their hair was pretty much the same. It didn’t seem like it would work, and I really wanted to try it myself. Skip forward to last year, when I was growing my hair out and it was at that awkward stage where it had to be pinned up all the time. I decided to just go for it, because even if it looked gross no one would be able to tell.
This is the part that gets into YMMV. Going in, I did zero research. I just stopped using shampoo which…did not go well. My office has a fitness center which I go to during my lunch break, so I was getting really sweaty five days a week. It became untenable within the week.
A google search turned up this. I’ve picked and chosen what works for me–
a) I don’t use the baking soda paste. I just found it annoying to do, and my hair seems fine without it.
b) I dilute my apple cider vinegar even more than she does. I’m still experimenting, but higher concentrations make my hair feel weirdly stiff.
c) I brush my hair with a plastic comb. I read somewhere that a boar hair brush is recommended, but my hair is really thick and I couldn’t actually get the bristles to reach my scalp. The comb does get gunky (my hair seems to collect a lot of lint which gets transferred to the comb–I’m not sure if it always did this and I never noticed, or if it’s a new development)
d) I use coconut oil as a conditioner. I just put some in whenever the ends feel dry. I’d like to experiment with other oils but haven’t gotten around to it. Other than that, I don’t use any products (I’m worried that, without a proper shampooing, most products just build up in my hair)
I’m really happy with the results. My hair looks so much better than it ever has–it’s really insane. I’ve hated my hair for my entire life–it’s on the curly/wavy side and it would frizz up as soon as I brushed it. I almost never wore it down. (Granted, choosing hair products from the giant array available fills me with terror, and I refuse to do any styling more difficult than “brush,” soo…)
Now, all I have to do in the morning is wake up, brush my hair, and it looks great. This is exactly the amount of effort I want to put into my hair.
The dilute vinegar rinse works great for head itchiness, and honestly, it doesn’t even have to be acv:)
My routine: Before I dye my hair, I use the Diva Curl no-poo, and all other times I use a dilute vinegar rinse followed by a nice conditioner I found at Wegmans (the brand is Accure). I use the Deva Curl gel and “plop” my hair in a t shirt after and my curls are finally not totally horrible frizz magnets. Recently, I had a free sample of Living Proof style extender stuff, and in combination with the gel, it’s been really great, although I do not care for most of their products.
I do really enjoy a good scalp exfoliation too — I mix some sea salt and coconut oil and scrub my scalp with it once every couple weeks, then rinse and follow with the usual routine. Between the vinegar and the exfoliation, my dandruff has never been better, and my curls look great, and I save a ton of money on shampoo!
I live and die by the great glory of Rosehip Seed Oil. I’ve been using it for the past year and it’s evened my complexion, and reduced hormonal breakouts so much. I used to have chin/neck breakouts that essentially lingered all month and then came to a head for a week, and now I get maybe one zit. I’ve used Retinol in the past, which is the ride-or-die of most dermatologists (and for good reason), but found it ultimately too harsh for my skin. While Rosehip does not contain retinol, it’s effects are similar and just take a bit longer.
I’m also a huge fan of peels! My skin is pretty sensitive so I prefer acid exfoliation (sounds scarier than it is), and have had great luck with REN’s Glycol Lactic Radiance Renewal Mask. I’ve also heard great things about MUAC’s peels though I haven’t used them personally.
CeraVe makes amazing stuff for sensitive skin, and their sunscreen/moisturizer combo is the only one that doesn’t break me out–I use it during the summer since it’s a bit lighter. Embryolisse is THE BEST moisturizer ever, ever, ever–plumps skins, moisturizes so well, smells nice, can be used as a primer, cult favorite for good reason. It’s a bit thicker though so I use it during the winter.
My absolute favorite products are Mario Badescu drying lotion and buffering lotion. The drying lotion is for less-crazy zits that you can feel starting. You just dab some drying lotion on at night and wash it off in the morning and zit is gone! The buffering lotion is for deeper cystic acne, and it makes those two-week blemishes into two-day blemishes. It’s incredible and I highly recommend it!!
Also Ro’s Argan Body Conditioner from Lush is one of my favorite things of all time. I have suuuuuper sensitive skin so I can only shave three times a week and even then my legs get mad at me. So I started using this stuff on my legs after shaving and now they are just soft and dewey and happy instead of red and burny and angry!!!
Not foot-related, but I have had this annoying thing with clogged pores and the resulting skin-bumpiness for all of my adult life, and after consulting Dr. Google and r/skincareaddiction, I bought a glycolic acid cream to put on before bed at night. And IT WORKS. My skin is waaay clearer than it has been since I started puberty. Plus, it was the Walgreens drugstore brand (Studio 35 Beauty) and only cost $10.
There’s a Philosophy face peel called Resurface that I love. Plus, you can buy the two parts of it separately on Amazon, so when you run out of the scrub put still have a lot of the second step left, you can just buy the first step for cheap.
I leave olive oil in my hair overnight once in a while (I wrap my head in a towel) and I always get tooooons of compliments the next few days.
I live in Asia and love the crazy face masks you can buy here – they come as special face serum slathered on a cotton mask with eye, nose, and mouth holes. Once you get over the Silence of the Lamb feeling, they’re super easy and fun to use, and make my skin look noticeably better. I don’t have a particular favorite brand or type (I just avoid the skin whitening ones) but if you see one around, they’re great!
These are getting more common here and I really love them!
Accutaaaaaane
Changed my liiiiiiiiife
And now I don’t really have to do anything to my skin ever and it’s perfect all the time
Six months of Kafkaesque medical hell and you’re good to go!
Yep, Accutane is a medical miracle as far as I’m concerned.
Retinoids foreveeeeeeer.
Jojoba oil!! I use it daily to moisturise and treat my fingernails and toenails/cuticles. It’s a miracle! They’ve never been so strong. I’ve grown my fingernails to new lengths, and my toenails have ceased to look like they belong to Bigfoot. I read somewhere that jojoba oil has a molecule size ideal for nail absorption, or something like that? (Sorry, science not my strong point). I will firmly attest to its effectiveness, though.
Pig thread presented without amusing anecdotes.
it is Friday and i want a lounging tire. that is all.
Pig pig is living the dream.
It might also interest you to know that that there’s a lounging tire with built in tub. What luxury.
I love pigs UNABASHEDLY and thus, love this thread. True story: know a young homesteading couple who bought two young pigs for eating. Dude fell in love with his pigs, (“they’re so smart and funny”) and refused to slaughter them. His partner, an amazing barefoot trimmer and ex-jockey, was outwardly exasperated with his decision (especially because he would occasionally whing on about her horses costing $$$) but also secretly relieved; she too, adored the wee piggies.
Now the chickens: another story altogether.
Yeah. Pigs are amusing and personable, but they don’t lay eggs and they don’t herd sheep. They can’t even reproduce. Come November they’re going to the big smoker upstate.
But they’ll be happy.
barefoot trimmer?
“Barefoot trimmer” better to Google, too much info for a quick and short reply! In a nutshell: barefoot trimmers don’t believe in metal horseshoes, instead rely on trimming/shaping the horse’s bare hoof to achieve soundness.
Sent from my iPad
Got it. Honestly I thought it was autocorrect being creative.
Let us both pray that the barefoot/shoe debate never makes it into the Toast comments. *folds hands, bows head*
Amen.
OMG…let’s pray, indeed! Let the FB sites and horse forums fight it out, that’s where it belongs!
Sent from my iPad
Feeling 3rd Pic Pig’s elegant look.
She really is quite a diva of a pig.
She’s got such dainty wee trotters!!
pigs are WONDERFUL and I want one very much.
Those are some A+++ pigs. <3
I always show my boyfriend all your pig thread photos and he nearly weeps every time. Alas, we are city folk and have neither the space nor the skill to keep pigs, so you’re doing us a great service by posting photos of yours!
Hair Update: Success.
(please ignore the sticking-up-bit, I didn’t have a chance to properly style—– This is the haircut that my partner, with no prior short-hair-cutting experience gave me last friday night!!)
I love the sticking-up bit!! It looks great. Good job partner!
success!
nice lip shade, too
Thanks! ELF rosy-go-round!
So cute! The sticking-up bit is the best, everyone else is quite correct on this. ;D
You look so much like one of my pals from knitting group! I only finally decided you weren’t her because her hair is a bit shorter than this. If you ever want to meet a cool doppelganger, come to Oakland. ‘grats on the hair success!
while I knit, I am not in a knitting group, nor in Oakland, so your conclusion was correct, but I have heard about dopplegangers from time to time so there are a few out there!! (…. oh god, i just started watching orphan black this week too, so writing that sentence is creepier than it would otherwise be….)
YAY hair success!
I will have photos of my exciting PURPLE PEEKABOO STREAKS next Friday. Because I’m doing it on Thursday.
YES
eeeeeee I can’t wait to seee it’s going to be adorable on youuuuu
London Toast meetups!
We have a facebook group now, and already a good few members!
https://www.facebook.com/groups/435704426638315/
There’s currently a possibility of a pub meet up in New Cross on Saturday afternoon/evening!
Balls, I’m going to be moving to go to school in New Cross next month! Joined the fb group tho~
Don’t worry, there’s three of us living in that area already, so there will definitely be more meetups!
I would love to meet London toasties! But alas, I will be in Cambridge this Saturday. I have joined the fb group though.
My mom can finally become a UK citizen!
Backstory: My grandma is from the UK originally, she moved to the US as a young woman to make her fortune in New York, married a US citizen and was naturalized. At the time the US required all naturalized citizens to renounce any other ties, so she believed she was no longer a UK citizen and her children couldn’t be either. Many years later she made a flip comment to a border agent in Heathrow about renouncing her citizenship and he replied, “Madam, only the Queen can do that.” It turns out that’s true! She has since gotten her UK passport again, is a dual citizen, and loves to tell this story. Her daughter (my mom) was born a US citizen in the USA. Although one of her parents was a UK citizen, she didn’t qualify for UK citizenship because
PATRIARCHY
Until 1983, children born in another country to UK citizens were only eligible if their father was a UK citizen. Mothers didn’t count, because as we all know women aren’t real people. They’re probably witches or something and not to be trusted. That law changed in 1983 when the UK grudging acknowledged that women are humans and not demon-puppets sent to torment men, but it wasn’t retroactive so my mom still wasn’t eligible.
A few days ago I was poking around on the internet, looking at residency requirements for the UK since I’m considering a long visit there. I got a little lost in the UK Visas and Immigration website and stumbled across THIS: https://www.gov.uk/register-british-citizen/born-… They finally updated the law a couple of years ago to make that whole women-are-people thing retroactive and allow my mom to be a citizen! She just needs to register, and assuming nothing bad comes up in their research (which it won’t) she will be a dual US/UK citizen.
She’s an Anglophile and has wanted this as long as I can remember, I’m so happy for her. For the record this doesn’t apply to me, as a “citizen by descent” she can’t pass it along to her kids. I will have to find another way to live in a country where health care is more readily available than automatic weapons.
I mean, that’s awesome for your grandmother and mother, and super!! exciting!! and all (not being sarcastic there, I promise), but:
the UK grudging acknowledged that women are humans and not demon-puppets sent to torment men
I mean, some of us are BOTH.
I’m seeing tshirts involving that phrase, and liking it.
that is so weird to me because like, if we’re presuming they’re cis, you can only be really sure the baby is the mom’s?? paternal uncertainty, yo.
Sounds like you’re questioning the word of a man, are you a witch or demon-puppet by any chance?
How very strange–as a general concept, first, and second because the rule in the U.S. has been the exact opposite.
The Bartender having time off from Toast duties at the same time that Nicole is out of town is doing nothing to shake my deep conviction that Nicole IS The Bartender…
From some of the food pictures the Bartender’s posted in the past, my guess is that the Bartender is Russian or of Russian descent.
I’m convinced that the Bartender is a Renaissance art historian, but who knows? One of life’s great mysteries, surely.
I developed a theory – I can’t remember what lead me to it anymore, but hey – that Nicole’s male is the bartender. I agree with longlostlullaby that the Bartender is certainly Russian/Slavic, or of Russian/Slavic descent.
My weekend plans largely involve me bombing my brain out of consciousness in order to psychologically recover from the surprise!transvaginal ultrasound I received yesterday. GOOD TIMES, FRIENDS.
Holy shit, that sounds awful. Hope you’re doing OK.
(That gif is best gif)
I’m fine. Just I’m gonna need surgery to remove this fibroid and its little polyp friend from my uterus.
OK I take it back, this is best gif
(Hope it is a minor surgery and recovery is quick!!)
oof. I did the polyp removal thing last month. SUCH a pain the ass, but SO glad it’s taken care of.
I’m looking forward to the possibility of lighter periods, and no out-of-cycle cramping/spotting. That’s for sure.
I had them pop in an IUD since they were in there anyway, yay two-for-one.
Holy shit, honey. Are you okay??
Yeah. I just…I expected to be just talking to my PCP about some menstrual issues and she was like “Nope, we are scanning that shit right now.”
Oh no. That must have been a terrible surprise. But I would have preferred the “right now” to dreading a transvag invasion scheduled for the future. But you are made of strong stuff, CleverManka. You even scored a she-said joke! Damn, you’re amazing. I wanna be more like you. Minus the fibroid. No, wait. I’ve been minus a uterus for a year now, so I’m good. Still wanna be more like you. Wishing you an uneventful fibroid eviction procedure and a comfortable and swift recovery.
Thank you! It’s like my uterus decided it was going to grow something before it expired, god damn it.
oh, no 🙁 I wish you the most delightful silliest brain-meltingest TV for your weekend.
The actual good news is last week a friend gave me one of those finicky coloring books and I think I’m gonna sit down with one of those, my new set of colored pencils, and an appropriately altered state of mind.
This sounds like the solidest plan. Hope you’re doing okay!
Aaaaaaaahhhh, Jeremy Brett!!! No, THANK YOU. <3
Ugh I’m sorry. I hate those and I’ve had way more I feel my fair share is.
Hurray for being members of an extremely undesirable club.
Yeah and what’s worse is that mine never turned up any reason for the mystery pain! Fun! Hopefully you get some relief once the fibroid/polyp team is ejected from your stadium.
ugh, sorry to hear that, to a very good and very far away from that weekend
I am afraid to ask what the hell is going on here.
It’s from this SNL skit, which was AMAZING.
https://vimeo.com/90564082
That’s never a fun time!! I hope you’re feeling okay now and have a much more pleasant weekend.
(I also have to have fibroid surgery at some point, so I’m kind of curious how the recovery period goes for you, if it’s not too weird to ask and you don’t mind sharing– I want to get it done sooner rather than later, but I’m scared of how much time I might have to take off of work, etc.)
When the surgery happens (it’s not even scheduled yet–I’m waiting for a call from my PCP’s office about time availability), I’ll post about it on OT because I’m 100% sure that everyone here is interested in the happenings of my uterus. Who wouldn’t be?
I mean, if they’re not interested, I don’t want to know them.
Hello Toasts! Happy Friday to you all!
While there is no birthday cake in my immediate future, there IS wedding cake in my less-than-a-month-away future, so here’s the wedding-planning-and-potential-freakout thread for the week.
We are going to pick up wedding rings tonight. Next Friday we’re finalizing the ceremony. Sometime between now and then we’ll pay the photographer. I am staring at spa treatments and ready to cry at the thought of a massage and facial. But I think… kind of everything is done? What is this sorcery?
So, other wedding-plannists and spouses-to-be, how are things going?
This is all so exciting, congratulations on having everything in order!
I am still very far away from mine (about a year now) but we just finalized the photographer and I’m going dress shopping for the first time in a few weeks. This is all very new to me (I was not someone who studied the wedding-industrial complex for a long time before getting engaged), so it’s pretty exciting. The only thing is, I feel awkward making my friends make me the center of attention in activities like dress shopping, etc., but I think it will probably be okay.
It probably will be. But if you don’t want to do it, if the awkward is going to outweigh the fun, then don’t do it. It isn’t required. This is your show! If you’d rather go shopping with one person whose judgment you trust, go for it. If you find The Dress on eBay, do it. If you don’t want a hen party or giant shower, make it known that those things would make you uncomfortable and that you’d rather do [whatever it is you’d rather do]. There is no time in your whole life that could be more appropriately summed up by YOU DO YOU than wedding stuff.
The wedding dress I ordered came in, and they called me and were like “you need to pick this up by the end of the week” and this also happens to be the first week of the semester so nope, no, I have zero free time. My dad (who is great) picked it up for me, but I haven’t actually gotten to try it on yet. (On my initial shopping trip, the store didn’t have my size, so I tried on a slightly smaller and a slightly larger one, crossed my fingers, and ordered the dress sight unseen.) So. I am hoping I didn’t screw up, because it was on clearance and therefore not returnable.
Oh, and I’m stressing about costs again. We found a potential caterer whose food we really love, but the price they ended up quoting us was significantly higher than anticipated. Am kind of torn and am stalling politely while researching other options.
ETA: GO GET THAT MASSAGE.
YAAAAAY! [hopping around in secondhand excitement] Such a perfect time of year, too, I hope you get some fall colors!
I would love to hear more about the rings! We’ve started to look at those, and Nothing Is Good Enough. The style I thought I loved turned out to not be any good on an actual finger, and the runners-up were too far above the budget, so…maybe I can fall in love with a plain gold one? Or this old family ring will work out? I dunno! Most of these wedding things I know I could drive myself absolutely bats looking for the Perfect Thing and therefore I will pre-empt that by saying yes to the Good Thing, but this one is foreeeevvvverrrr and it should feeeel speciallllll! So if anyone has a finding the ring story they would like to share, please do!
We ought to be juuuuust getting into serious color season at the end of September! I am excite! Will be pretty! Also not humid! Crisp blue skies and vibrant color and the closest thing to a guarantee of good weather that it’s possible to have in Northern Michigan. Vineyards and West Bay and boozes, oh my 😀
So we found our rings sort of accidentally–I found my engagement ring at a little jeweler downtown and he found his at a place that sells semi-precious stones and jewelry (his engagement ring is set with fordite and is not something you’d find in a bog-standard jeweler’s).
But the WEDDING rings: I found mine a year or so before we got engaged during an art-and-wine walk, tried it on and fell in love with it. It was miraculously still available when we went back for rings and the jeweler does a lot of custom work, so MrChouffe was able to describe his ring and dude made it like THAT. We ended up there in the first place because we really liked the rings he’d made for friends of ours. So–get recommendations of a jeweler and find someone who does custom work.
Mine is this:
ahhhhh gorgeous!
Beautiful! I really like the leaf engraving.
Me too. Inadvertently, it kind of goes well with the beading on my dress, which is a nice added bonus.
(We are going to wear our wedding rings for a little while tonight and then put them away someplace safe aaaaaaa)
The “this one is foreeevveerrr” thing is why I do not have an engagement ring (committing to a person, no problem! Engagement ring- nope!). But I loooove our wedding rings- they are pretty traditional plain bands except the inside is a different metal than the outside, so they have a secret! We got them from – this Etsy seller, who was great to work with and works with someone who does a beautiful job with engraving if that’s your thing.
very pretty! This is also why I don’t have an engagement ring, that and I’m not excited enough about pretty gemstones to invest in a forever one. It is very cool to see how plain bands can be really…not plain.
I have to say, plain bands are lovely to wear day to day- they just hang out on your finger, not snagging on things, not needing cleaning, just there. Plus they’re very easy to polish back up if you ding them.
I was also considering fingerprint bands when we were shopping, like these: https://www.brentjess.com/ , but my husband was not as into them as an option and I have a THING about matching wedding bands (or at least wedding bands that “go” together)
I love this so much.
I really need to buckle down and actually do stuff. We picked the save the dates we wanted to order from Etsy and I… still haven’t done that. I emailed the caterer and got a response, so I emailed and said “great, how should we meet up to talk?” and haven’t heard back.
We did get our passports yesterday, though, (3 weeks to the day after we submitted them – glad I didn’t pay for expediting) so I really need to sit down and book our honeymoon flights.
Ugh, I am so bad at planning/being organized.
YOU’RE DOING FINE.
I am also getting married in less than a month, although there is still no cake in my future because we’re having tiramisu. We’re working on our vows and our playlist this weekend probably? I should probably also start on table assignments and programs, but that might be asking a lot – I am DEEP into hunger games fan fiction right now. “Sorry no one knows where to sit, I couldn’t stop reading about Peeta as a Philadelphia Flyers players!” Guests will have no problems with that, right?
(Are you also getting married on a Saturday in the teens in September?? It’d be too funny if we had the same date! An acquaintance of mine is getting married the day after and I love it.)
We are Sunday in the 20s and getting married on our best friends’ anniversary. 🙂 She and I have been super close since sixth grade and it seems very right for us to have the same date.
Yay for you!!! That is awesome. We’re about a year out, but we finally picked a venue and made a deposit! Yayyy! Now we need to put together our save the dates (we’re making them ourselves with dinosaur stamps and stuff) which means I get to wander through paper stores which I LOVE (although probably should have less mojitos next time, cause I was…not super productive or smart last time). But we’re trying to sort out the hotel blocks and the hotel is trying to say the rooms are over twice as much as we were quoted! Not Okay. So I emailed them but they haven’t gotten back to me and the anxiety is making me a crazy person. I don’t want to pay that much more! But I don’t want to have to shuttle to my own wedding either, when it’s in a dang inn! AND ALSO it is way too difficult to write emails that are Stern and No That Is Not Right without being bitchy, especially when you are a people pleaser.
Teal deer, wedding YAY marrying someone awesome YAY responsibility and having to be stern BOOOO.
TEAL DEER WEDDING OMG 😀
We definitely had a couple of unpleasant shocks when it came to pricing stuff out. I think that’s par for the course with this kind of thing and it’s awful and stressful and you should probably just go have a lie-down and relax for a little while.
Thank you! That is good advice, but I am at work so alas I cannot yet. I did however procure wine to drink at my desk, so that’s a help 🙂
Oh man, that sounds incredible!! Well done you!
We’re also a year out and just settled on a sent a deposit to our venue. It took what felt like ages and I still feel like there will be issues (I love the venue *but* it is nearly a 2-hour drive from where we live and is likely to be hot (there is a barn and an actual small house so there will be respite from the heat but my mother does badly with both heat and travel. We knew if we picked a venue outside of the city we would have to get a hotel room for my parents (and thus also my brother) for the night before and the night of the wedding, but she seemed upset about the potential for high temperatures anyway), but it was the one we both liked that had drawbacks we could both deal with. The fact that it’s a bit out of the way poses some issues for our local guests much moreso than for many of our out-of-town guests, as there are plenty of hotels within a much more reasonable distance of the venue, even if they are not in very exciting places. (Our wedding will be on a Sunday because we’re Jews, which means if people need to go to work the next morning and they live to the south of us, they may need to moderate their drinking more and leave the reception early, but also most of them either freelance or work in jobs where “hey I need to come in late/work from home on Monday” is pretty acceptable.)
The problem we have it now is that I feel like I am doing the majority of the work (which is all very preliminary at this point) on everything else. I have a Pinterest board for wedding ideas that my fiancé can also post to, and he said that he would, but he hasn’t done very much. It’s really just an idea collection board, not a planning board, but the latter seems to be how he sees it – if he’s “researching” (by which at this point we mean “looking at pictures and going “I like that, I don’t like that””), then he feels like there is a shortly upcoming deadline on making an actual decision, which there is not, at least not on flowers and food. (Also I have literally gotten pronouncements like “I don’t know what flowers are” from him as he flails through this.) He feels like he did a lot of work on the venue search (it is true that he made contact and made the appointments, though I did most of the talking when we got there) and that it’s my turn to do some of the work – but I’m already doing it, and I am literally asking him to look at some pictures and pin them to a goddamn Pintrest board so that I have some idea of what he likes when I try to come up with more specific ideas. (Every single venue director we talked immediately asked “so, tell me about your wedding”, and I don’t know if this is an incorrect assessment, but I feel like they were asking for more than a head count and date, and we had little to tell them besides “uh well we’re Jewish and so there’ll be a chuppah and probably a lot of people held up on chairs and we wanted to do buffet-style dinner and we’d like to be able to use the lawn for games”).
Also holy shit everything is expensive as fuck.
I’m getting married in 7 weeks! It’s both exciting and a little terrifying. I actually just bought and received the Lola jumpsuit from BHLDN, and I am hoping that the seamstress I’m meeting with tomorrow can make all of my desired changes (cups, add length to torso, hem, and take legs in from wide to straight). The only one of those I’m worried about is adding length to the torso, since she’ll have to remove the bodice from the pants and add extra fabric, then put in a new zipper. I hope it’s not too expensive…
Holy crap, that’s gorgeous!! It does look like the torso is SUPER short though. Fingers crossed for you!
I love it SO MUCH. I feel amazing and beautiful (and tbh, really, really cool) in it, and it doesn’t even fit me properly yet! My lovely husband-to-be was home when I tried it on, and he loves it too. It came with a wide sash in the same fabric and color as the jumpsuit, so I hope that the seamstress will be able to use that to create the extra length in the torso.
I’m going to see about dying it grey or maybe dark red after our wedding so I can wear it at other formal events!
Ooooooo dark red <3
Hooray! Our wedding is in… less than 7 months.
I’ve ordered a custom-made all-over sequin gown with mega-train. And I’m TERRIFIED! Which is weird. I keep thinking that it will make me look too fat. Which is a remarkable comment on the wedding industrial complex, because while I am a bit fat, I usually never worry about it at all.
We also recently semi-finalized our ceremony venue, which is exciting. The problem we are having is that we are having our wedding in two different hip bars, and I guess when you’re dealing with people who are really club promotors weddings in 7 months are… low priority.
all-over-sequin gown!!! It feels totally reasonable to be terrified, like safvn said above, you’re the center of attention how did THAT happen, I’m not supposed to be the center of attention, someone ELSE is!
I ordered a dress last week and was mind-boggled at having to order four sizes up from my normal dress size (which, annoyingly, pushed it into the add-$30 “plus sizes”). Googling “bridesmaid dress sizing advice” pulled up about a million discussion threads of women going “Oh yeah, the sizes are messed up, you’re gonna be gorgeous” at each other, with like zero of the passive-aggressiveness you might expect from a wedding/body size thread, which warmed my heart.
The wedding-industrial mindset has me putting in three barre classes, a cardio dance class, and at least one choreography session a week until the wedding because oh shit, panic mode, I am spending HOW MUCH on photography. It’s ri-god-damn-diculous. And the dress sizing?? FUCK OFF, it is like DESIGNED to screw with your head.
Is it weird that my wedding dress size was not actually terribly larger than my “normal” size? It’s the same size numerically as the cocktail dress I wore to senior prom, kept for a decade, and then fit back into after gaining and losing 50+ lbs, and in the same size range that’s usually given for the s/m/l size I wear in dresses (though on the upper end). It differs more from what I wear in bottoms and what I wear in knits than it does from what I wear in dresses or woven tops.
(It might be a shape thing – I am top-heavy with proportionally narrow hips and not a terribly well-defined waist, and my dress is a strapless a-line, making both my hips and my shoulders kind of irrelevant to the fit.)
But then basically sizing is nonsense and the numbers/letters are irrelevant and inconsistent ANYWAY (I mean I have jeans that are a size Y and jeans that are a size Y+2 so what do sizes even MEAN) and the only issue is the markup on “plus-size”.
All over sequins is definitely a sound life choice. I’ve pretty much decided my new personal policy on fancy dresses is all sequins, all the time- the two all-sequin items of clothing I own are insanely comfortable (because they are stretchy), super flattering (because they are actually LINED), and everybody thinks you’re awesome for being brave enough to wear something that damn sparkly. Even though it basically feels like you’re wearing sequined pajamas. Plus, no wrinkling!
DC and Maryland toasties! My lovely wife has spent the last 3 months working on (well, leading, really) an exhibit in Baltimore about the history of Maryland Rye Whiskey. This exhibit opens next Thursday, and while my wife and I can’t be at the opening (we will be on a long-since planned vacation) we thought some of you might like to go! You can check out the Facebook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/495128757311430/). It’s all free, and you can all then tell us how awesome it is because of all the hard goddamn work my wife has done in the last quarter. Also it’s about booze! Who doesn’t like booze?
We hope some of you can make it!
Fun! I would be interested in this but your link is broken for me.
Oh no! It should be https://www.facebook.com/events/495128757311430/
Sorry for the broken link! It should be https://www.facebook.com/events/495128757311430/. Don’t know why it broke!
So for the past couple of week now I’ve been feeling just generally not great about myself. Do any of you have any tips or strategies for when that feeling hits you? Easy exercises I could do at home or work, apps or websites that you like for confidence boosts or for keeping you motivated to exercise in some way?
If you do yoga and are reasonably good with the terminology (have taken some classes), doyogawithme.com is great.
I revisit Jay Smooth’s Little Hater oeuvre–“we each have a little hater who lives inside our heads and tries to set up traps for us”–and do things specifically to spite my own Little Hater. It is childish to feel like I’m showing up the LH by doing things it says I can’t do because I’m too lazy/pathetic/uninteresting/cowardly to even try, but since it’s also pretty effective, I keep it in the toolbox. Maybe you’ll find it helpful, but if not, hey, you’ve watched a video with a smart person and a cat! That’s automatically improving a day!
Maybe try going to a new specialty gym in something you haven’t tried before? In my area, a lot of places that offer only one service (yoga, rock climbing, Krav Maga, etc.) have first-class discounts such that going for the first time is free or very cheap, like $10. Even if you don’t end up wanting to join the gym, it could be a fun and different way to exercise for an evening.
Best of luck! I know it sucks to not feel good about yourself.
I would love to take a class in something! At this point, I don’t really have time to commit to a full class schedule/gym thing, but I should look into one-off classes in different types of activities. Thanks!
Yoga with Adriene on youtube has been helpful for me; she has a lot of short workouts, and sometimes I just need to do a little workout and that reminds me I can do a big one.
ditto this! i also appreciate her willingness to get silly
Apps help me exercise every day. I use Yoga Studio–it comes with various flows, but you can also create your own, and I love it because I don’t have to find a youtube video or get a dvd to do yoga. Interval Timer and 7 Minute Workout are also great apps for other types of exercise. Even though I’m not great at most exercises and can easily get down on myself about that, just doing it every day and seeing tiny improvements helps. Also, I’ve found that meditation helps when I feel not great about myself, because with the method I use, you sit and count your breathes, and when you notice yourself thinking or judging, you stop, acknowledge it, and go back to counting. That’s slowly led to me being more aware of my negative thoughts, and it’s helped me to stop them in their tracks before I get carried away with them.
I have this yoga/pilates video that someone gave me years ago and I still go back to it frequently. It’s the only workout video I’ve ever stuck with. It is surprisingly easy (in the sense that there’s almost nothing in the video that I am not capable of doing, though perhaps not in as deep of a position as the instructor). And despite seeming fairly easy, you will be shockingly sore the next day after the first time you do it, so you know it is working. The other bonus is that instructor is SO encouraging, and although she is very bendy and wicked strong, she has a totally normal body and is not some super pumped gal with 0% body fat who makes you feel bad about yourself in comparison.
Plus it’s super cheap! Maybe give it a whirl? http://www.amazon.com/Pilates-Yoga-Body-Theresa-B…
I will check this out! Thanks! I used to have a NYC Ballet workout DVD that I really liked, but my sister stole it at some point and won’t give it back. I should look into more videos like that though!
What are people listening to? I’m in a music rut! I like Belle & Sebastian, Bat for Lashes, Brazilian bossanova, Taylor Swift… any recommendations??
The new Carly Rae Jepsen album is really amazing and happy-making 80s-style pop and I LOVE IT. It’s a lot like Taylor Swift’s 1989 but I feel like with TSwift, the stakes are higher. Like, every guy is potentially her one true love and then he tears her heart to shreds and it’s so saaaaaad, but Carly Rae basically just wants to make out with hot guys and I can really relate to that.
I was about to recommend this but you got there first! I love it and can’t stop listening. Her previous album (Kiss, I think it’s called?) is also super underrated.
I have been listening the hell out of this album for two straight days now. Like, not even exaggerating, it’s the best and I am very happy.
Do you know the Broken Social Scene? I recommend the album “You Forgot it in People”, as someone who listens to A LOT of B&S. Also, maybe check out the Divine Comedy?
I heartily second the Carly Rae Jepsen rec (current fave: “Favourite Colour”); I’ve also been listening to First Aid Kit a lot this week in between E MO TION listens. Their music is just very relaxing and chill and beautiful all at the same time in a way that makes it perfect background music for me while I clean or read or cross stitch.
I’ve also been the mood to sing loudly along to Florence + the Machine in my car lately!
These are also many of my favorites! In the First Aid Kit genre, do you know Daughter? I’ve been listening to them lately and really like them.
I do know Daughter! Not well enough, but the few songs I know I loooove, so I should really look further into them (I have listened to Landfill a LOT. A lot a lot). Thanks for the suggestion!
I was also going to suggest First Aid Kit!
Kind of similar: Lucius, Thao & The Get Down Stay Down
I went to Osheaga at the beginning of the month and heard both First Aid Kit and Florence + the Machine live and I’ve basically been listening to them nonstop ever since (also when I cross-stich haha). I would also recommend George Ezra, his new album is perfect for when you just want to curl up with a cup of tea and have a British man sing about how much he loves you.
I’ve been listening to the Morcheeba album Big Calm on repeat this whole week.
Thissss.
(Pretty much all of Girlyman’s music is great.)
<3 Girlymaaaaaaaan. love them so much.
Yes! they opened for a Dar Williams concert I went to years ago and they were so great.
The new Twin Shadow is excellent and I feel that it’s not getting the recognition it should be.
Oh my goodness, this is wonderful. Thank you.
Check out Jessie Ware — you’ve probably heard the song from her first album, but her second is super good.
And if you haven’t listened to the Knife, they are the best and Karen (the sister of the brother-sister duo that is the Knife) released Fever Ray, a solo album, a few years ago and it is DIVINE.
Finally, Grimes is the shit. This unreleased demo has been the joy of my life: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9XKLqGqwLA
Did you ever try making a Pandora (or similar) station out of some of your faves and seeing what comes up? I’ve found a lot of musicians I enjoy this way.
Although, mildly embarrassing story. I started a weekend shift at a store in a trendy neighborhood, and selected a Pandora station titled “Hipster Cocktail Party” to play ironically while I work. And it is pretty much identical to my own musical taste. Amy Winehouse, Hozier, Nina Simone, Otis Redding. Plus a few gems I didn’t know I needed, like an acoustic cover of Blackstreet’s No Diggity. I just… whatever, if you like both Belle and Sebastian and bossa nova, I bet Hipster Cocktail Party will have a few gems for you too, and we can just be embarrassingly hipster together.
Thirding Carly Rae Jepsen. It’s such a good pop album! It’s such a good general album! I love Warm Blood and Emotion both as songs of any genre, but in the boppy sing-your-heart-out category I’m loving Boy Problems (anyone want to talk about how it’s definitely about being in love with your female best friend but not knowing what to do about it because you’re “straight?”) and I Didn’t Just Come Here To Dance.
I’m obsessed with a Colombian group called Chocquibtown. I recommend their songs Cuando te veo, Alguen combo tu, and Somos Pacificos. I also second the recommendations for Carly Rae jepsen’s new album.
With the caveat that I’m more of a classical and jazz fan, I’ve been really into albums by Nicki Parrott lately, who’s a fantastic jazz singer and bass player. (Her voice is kind of like Peggy Lee’s). She has some great recordings with an Italian jazz pianist named Rossano Sportiello, who I met at a jazz fest once and is also really amazing. (And also an incredibly nice man who I kind of want to marry).
I also just recently came across a Romanian opera singer, Elena Cernei, who has an absolutely stunning and gorgeous voice. I haven’t been able to find any of her recordings on CD so far (she mostly recorded overseas in the ’60s and ’70s), but there are a million YouTube clips online of her.
Last week someone recommended Fiona Apple’s “The Idler Wheel” and I CANNOT STOP listening to it. Especially the song “Hot Knife.” Her voice is so amazing!
I love that album so much! I just rediscovered it and it’s as perfect as I remember.
Also, it’s not super new anymore, but the Leon Bridges album “Coming Home” that came out a few weeks ago is great. Very Sam Cooke-esque.
Quilt, Widowspeak, Best Coast and …. Sweet
Camera Obscura is basically B&S all over again, if that is what you are looking for. I really like LLoyd, I’m Ready To Be Heartbroken.
Also Check out Juana Molina: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUhBojYAHNE&l…?
If you dig Afrobeat, I am newly in love with the Llijadu Sisters: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Bc6XJvv5Bc.
It’s back-to-school time and while many folks are bummed to be going back, I am THRILLED because fewer kids on break=fewer tourists in the city=fewer visitors to the museum. Quiet work days are ahead! Also, fall and cool weather and no more sweaty, humid days! Anyone else excited for back-to-school/fall time?
I’m on the opposite end, back to school means all the college students are back in town and there are so many more cars and people everywhere!
I’m so excited for sweaters! My new office is super casual and among the junior staff, that turns into pretty trend casual, something I can pull off much better with LAYERS.
I love summer, but I love fall best of all, so August and September are this great mix of both seasons where I basically walk around with heart eyes and sigh over everything that is ending and everything to come. I’m doing as much outdoor swimming as I can, soaking up my lunchtime walks, and rollerskating outside while I can, but I’m also really looking forward to winter gourds, apple picking with my sweetie, not arriving at work a sweaty mess after my walk in omg, and DEATH FOR ALL FRUIT FLIES.
A POX ON PESKY INSECTS OF ALL SORTS! I have been getting destroyed by mosquitoes (this is what happens when you build your capital city on a swamp!) and I am so tired of it.
We are super excited for back to school, but fall weather is FOREVER away and I am very sad about that.
I hate summer in general (heat and sunlight being my natural enemies), so I always want it to pass as quickly as possible. I also like wearing jackets. Roll on, autumn!!
Yay, autumn! I went camping last week and there were LOADS of geese flying south overhead every evening.
I’m looking forward to bonfires, and crunchy leaves, and not having to weed my allotment so much.
Open thread! I thought you would never get here!
What are my Toasties reading this week? I’m mid-way in on both Red Mars by Kim Stanley Robinson, and The Dog Stars by Joseph Heller, and I seem to have accumulated quite a stack of must-reads for the near future.
I just finished The Goblin Emperor and I loved it! Everyone was right about the names/vocabulary being overwhelming but what a good slow burn of a story.
I just started Cannery Row (embarrassingly, for the first time) because we have decided to go to Monterey for honeymoon and well, there it is. It is so good. I am shocked but happy.
I read that one (and Tortilla Flat and Sweet Thursday) for the first time not all that long ago and was also really surprised at how deeply deeply delightful it was.
Why isn’t there a film version of this with Mark Ruffalo as Doc?
OMG. He would be perfect.
Still reading and loving Americanah but I also squeezed in Ms Marvel because I had an opportunity to do so. I haven’t enjoyed a comic this much since Y: the Last Man!! It’s the comic series I wish I’d had in that 12-14 range, when comics were kind of a barren wasteland for young girls, except for Storm and Rogue and I suppose She-Hulk. Still!! It makes me so happy to see such a great heroine.
Omg I love Ms. Marvel and I love Americanah!!! Since you mention She-Hulk, did you read her recent solo title written by Charles Soule and drawn (mostly) by Javier Pulido? If not, I highly highly higly recommend it.
Not yet, but I have been drooling over the cover artwork.
I think Unbeatable Squirrel Girl would appeal to that same demographic, as well as plenty of adults because it is delightfully silly
as evidenced by this bit of the most recent issue.
Also on my list! Ars longa, vita brevis.
Lumberjanes is really good and would likely still appeal to that 12-14 year old range.
Absolutely going to check this one out!
A mixture of my favorite Julia Quinn books (it’s time for my late summer re-read!), the Aeneid (for my class that starts in a month) and the Chernow Hamilton biography.
I’m reading The Girl in the Road, still fairly early on in it. I like the settings so far though.
I liked that one, but it took me awhile to get into it and kind of figure out what was happening. The settings were good though!
Yeah it is taking a little bit to figure out what’s going on, but I’m intrigued.
such a trippy book! But I so enjoyed reading a future book set totally (TOTALLY) outside the US/Europe. Didn’t know how badly I wanted that until I read it.
Yes! I love that about the setting. It is also making me fill embarrassing holes in my geography because these places aren’t typically featured in fiction.
Agreed, I definitely had to google some geography to figure out where the road was going, but I really appreciated the different location!
I am reading it too, I’m almost halfway through and I think I was a quarter of a way in when it really picked up for me. I really like that the main character is bisexual and it’s no big thing.
i’m actually starting Red Mars tonight, will report back once i’m in it
Oh, cool. My ex read the series back when it was newly published but I’m just getting around to it. I’m on page 200ish. So far, quite good.
Going to start The Penelopiad today while at bf’s house.
I finished The Girl on the Train yesterday and was underwhelmed. I didn’t like any of the characters, and though the narrators were all too similar (they didn’t have distinct enough voices for me I think). I can see why so many people enjoyed it, but it wasn’t really for me.
I started the audiobook for Queen of the Tearling this morning, which has been good so far. And I started reading Libba Bray’s newest one, Lair of Dreams, on the train today. I’m very much looking forward to that one!
Yes, also agree on underwhelmed. It was entertaining but also predictable. . . I think another Toastron said she kept waiting for the story to start until the story was over, something like that. (Amazon still seems to think it is just like Gone Girl, which. . . what?)
I liked the Tearling books more after I’d read the second one – the first one I’d initially kind of dismissed as feeling like a store-brand Tamora Pierce book, but the second one turned out to be more like a store-brand Margaret Atwood and it turns out that combination as a series was pretty satisfying.
I’m almost at the point of panic because I have so many books out from the library and so many holds about to come in.
I’m currently working on In A Dark Wood Wandering which has been on my list for almost 10 years but I never managed to get around to it until now, Malafrena by Le Guin and a ridiculous but very entertaining thriller/hot mess by Sidney Sheldon (how the man won multiple awards, including an Oscar, for screenwriting and then went on to produce such absurdly trashy books is an enduring mystery to me).
After I got back from Prague I tried to read Kafka but I just could not, fuck that guy.
Next on my list are The Monster of Florence by Douglas Preston, because of my deep love for Hannibal, and Dragonfly: NASA and the Crisis Aboard MIR which another Toastie recommended in a book thread a few weeks ago.
I hate that feeling of panic! Luckily, my library’s hold/near due service emails contain the title, so if I have to send something back without reading, I can skim through and re-order fairly easily. I go through life cycles where I do that kind of a lot.
“The Monster of Florence by Douglas Preston”
You may have a stronger stomach than me– I started this, and it’s quite well-written, but I got to a certain point and my brain just “NOPE’d” out of there and I’ve never picked it up again.
(I did read enough to confirm everything I’ve ever heard about the total incompetence of the Italian legal system, though).
Monster of Florence is a good read and I’m acquainted with Niccolo Capponi, the count who shows up a bunch to help fill in details for Preston and he’s a character – it made reading the book pretty exciting for me.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I’m not reading anything at the moment, but I wanted to yell about how I love Robinson’s Mars trilogy SO MUCH.
I am so excited about how many Mars trilogy lovers there are here! I am a completest so will read the next books as long as the first isn’t complete shit, but much nicer to have some enthusiastic recs, yanno?
I read 2312 and liked the world building, but really did not like the characters all that much. Should I give Red Mars a shot?
I could not get into 2312 (or his Antarctica), but the characters in the Mars series work for me. I was impressed with the way he wrote the women, especially Maya and Nadia. Nadia is probably one of my favorite fictional characters ever, and Maya is just so beautifully flawed.
MEEEEEE TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I am still thinking about getting a Nadia/Arkady quote tattooed on me somewhere: ‘beauty is power and elegance, right action, form fitting function, intelligence and reasonability.’
I am just unsure where to put it. I’d drawn it out for my torso, with the first line curving round uner my boob and then the last bit going down over my hip, but then I had a calligraphic poem put there instead.
Mars trilogy! Mars trilogy! hooray!
I’ve just finished Jo Walton’s Ha’penny and am eager to swing by the library after work for the third book in the trilogy. It’s been a while since I’ve felt such a need to find out how a book series ends – actually, the Mars Trilogy might have been the last time.
I’ve generally been on a big Jo Walton kick. I think The Just City and The Philosopher Kings are next, and then I’ll start seeking out other new releases to potentially nominate for next year’s Hugos. (Recommendations more than welcome!)
Jo Walton! I loved loved loved My Real Children and Among Others but haven’t disliked any I’ve read. My library has The King’s Peace which I enjoyed, but not the other two in the series. I picked up all three in a used bookshop recently because I’m a completest like that, but haven’t had a chance to read yet.
I adore My Real Children. I have Among Others but I haven’t gotten around to it yet.
My Real Children oh my god. So good. So wrenching. So good.
I finished reading it on the way to Balticon, where she was the guest of honor this year. When she signed my copy I told her it made me cry on the train, which she was very pleased to hear, and then we bonded over crying about books on trains and it was wonderful.
what I’ve really admired & enjoyed about the 3 Walton books I’ve read (Among Others, Just City, My Real Children) is that they all center on something I don’t know suuuuper well (sci-fi, mythology/philosophy, modern history) but that doesn’t ruin the book. When I get a reference (ummm that bit in My Real Children where she just sneaks in an Alan Turing cameo, years after his real-world death, I started grinning so hard) it’s like a fun easter egg! When I don’t, it doesn’t fuck up the flow of the book. But I got all excited and was like, oh man, I gotta get my sci-fi fan friends to read Among Others, and my humanities-nerd friends to read Just City…there’s so much fun stuff to pick up on if you can.
That’s good to hear! I’ve held off on Among Others because it seemed like I had to do a whole bunch of prereqs before I was qualified to read it, but now I’m gonna move it to the top of my to-read heap.
You won’t regret it!
Both Just City and Philosopher Kings are absolutely great. She has such a deft touch with writing flawed characters.
I’ll put my vote in for Jo Walton’s Lifelode, which is harder to find as it had a small print run but is a beautiful small-stakes fantasy novel about a huge polyamorous family and fills a hole in my heart I never knew was there.
Current/new releases: I will not shut up about The Fifth Season until it ends up on the ballot.
I mean it’s only August, but unless five other books blow me away, I’m going to nominate Pyramids of London by Andrea K Host, which is sort of pagan clockpunk with vampires and foliate cats (and a middle-aged bisexual woman protagonist). I’ve also really enjoyed Uprooted and The Invisible Library, and I generally love Elizabeth Bear so I’m hoping Karen Memory comes down in price a bit in time to read it before noms close.
My bookclub book for the month is Freedomland, so that’s what I’m reading. I’ve just started it, so I’m not sure how I feel about it. In addition to some writing issues (there are all these detailed descriptors of who’s standing where and what the layout is in these chaotic scenes and I find myself reading paragraphs again to try and figure out “the fence is where, and how far is X standing away?” and then it turns out to be unimportant and I’m getting annoyed) the idea of the book seems a little suspect. It’s a murder mystery set in a poor urban black neighbourhood written by a middle class white guy and I don’t know how comfortable I am about that. I also, being white and middle class, have no idea how accurate any of it is.
I just picked up New Spring, the Wheel of Time prequel. I’m right on track for my goal of reading this entire series this year. (I picked up the prequel in the middle, because I decided to go by publication order. Four books of the series proper left after this, and hopefully things are about to get exciting)
I finally started Max Gladstone’s Craft series (three-quarters through Three Parts Dead) and I apologize to everyone who told me to read it ages ago for putting it off for so long, this is so good. Lawyer-necromancers! Rebuilding a dead god! Believable religious people and believable non-religious people in the same book! (Admittedly atheism is hard when your job is resurrecting dead gods, but.)
Have you read his short story, A Kiss With Teeth? It showed up on the puppy-less Hugo ballot and it’s quite good.
I have! And yeah, that was great. (And I…didn’t realize it was him until just now. I am terrible at remembering who wrote what short fiction, unless it’s in a single-author collection.)
I’m reading a non-fiction book called Come as You Are which is about the science of sex and how it relates to women (cis women, mostly). It’s really fascinating, really soothing for someone like me who has a hard time thinking about / doing the sex, and is literally the only sex science book for women I’ve ever read that acknowledges queer women, so, p cool so far.
I read In the Woods and another Agatha Christie this week, and maybe some other things I’m forgetting. I think I may need a break from stories where people get murdered for a bit though. I just realized that that’s somehow become the theme of my recent reading material, and I’d be cool with no murders for a while.
Oh and I am now DESPERATE to read The Wake. Has anyone read/heard of this??
Looks interesting! I like the story concept but I’m not sure I want to work that hard for a book at this stage in my life. Right now I’m very escapist.
I heard about that and fell instantly in love. Gonna have to get the bookstore to order me a copy.
It looks very interesting, doesn’t it?
Just finished two fantastic but very different books. Archivist Wasp by Nicole Kornher-Stace is about a young woman who hunts ghosts in a post-apocalyptic world and has to fight other candidates annually to keep her job and her life, and what happens when she meets the ghost of a supersoldier trying to find his dead female partner. The Watchmaker of Filigree Street by Natasha Pulley is set in Victorian England and Japan and centers around a synaesthetic telegraph clerk, a woman who studies physics at Oxford, and a Japanese watchmaker who knows too much about the future, and it couldn’t have pushed more of my buttons if it tried. Also, there’s a little clockwork octopus with a penchant for stealing socks. A SOCK-STEALING MECHANICAL OCTOPUS YES.
Well I’ll be checking out these post-haste (especially that second book).
Watchmaker is the author’s first novel too!
adding both of those to my to-read list! color me intrigued.
The House of Discarded Dreams by Ekaterina Sedia–not sure how to describe it, kind of an absurdist fantasy. There’s a psychic energy baby (called Peb for short) that had been trapped in the phone line (it’s free now, don’t worry), a decapitated talking head attached to a phantom leg, a black hole attached to someone’s hair, vampires(?) preying on horseshoe crabs, the main character’s dead grandmother comes to visit, the house sets sail and changes shape and size by the minute…..it’s amazing. I’m about halfway through and loving it.
I’ve just started Golden Son, the second book in a trilogy whose name escapes me. The first book, Red Rising, was an engaging plot (although basically Hunger Games/Battle Royale) but hit a few of my pet peeves re: depictions of women. But after being reassured by multiple sources that this book is much better than the first, I’m giving it a try.
Will be interested to know whether you agree with those assurances. I enjoyed both as good adventures, aside from the issues that you mention which, yes for sure, but am not sure after reading the second whether I will bother with the third.
I just finished A Little Life and it totally wrecked me (in that great book way). Now I’m taking a breather with some beach reading.
We have that from the library and it is sitting in our room and people keep kind of staring at it knowing it is going to be amazing and not being sure they are really ready for the wrecking. But if we don’t start soon we’ll have to send it back unread!
Yes! I am too wrecked by page 250 and people keep saying “no, Jude’s thing isn’t what you think, it’s WORSE”. I feel frightened!
I just read The Westing Game for the first time and really enjoyed it. I missed it as a kid, but this had a lot of appeal despite my lack of nostalgia, so that was nice.
The Westing Game was my favorite book when I was young. I’ve read it so many times. I’m glad you liked it!
I still revisit that from time to time. It’s great. So glad you got the chance to read it for the first time as an adult!
Read as an adult and loved it, too, but her book about Noel and Leon blew my childhood mind to pieces. The art, the wordplay, just, wow.
So I read a thing about how there aren’t a lot of working-class protagonists in SF (and several other topics), and I grew up more-or-less working class and I thought it would be interesting to try to write a book with a working-class protagonist for NaNo. And then I started thinking about about setting, and after a while I thought to myself, “a moon colony? A lunar colony might work. Where have I read about a lunar colony with a lot of working-class characters before?”
And then I remembered. So I’m re-reading The Moon is a Harsh Mistress for background-research purposes and yelling at Heinlein a lot.
I didn’t actually remember much of the book aside from some creepy bits that I thought were near the end of the book and had driven the plot out of my mind, but which turn out to be near the start, so they must have prevented me from absorbing the plot in the first place.
Also I had forgotten other creepy bits, like the bit where the polite way for a man to respond to being introduced to a woman is to look her up and down and whistle. Hence why I’m yelling so much.
The James SA Corey Expanse novels also feature working-class equivalents (the Belters), with the bonus of fewer creepy-Heinlein bits, if you’re looking for more in that genre.
This whole “there aren’t many working class protagonists” meme that seems to be emerging post-Hugos is kind of weird to me. While I think it’s an interesting area to explore (and salute your NaNo project!), there are tons of books featuring working-class equivalents – as you point out, any colony will probably have to have a working class, as would independent spaceship folk. It seems to me that the meme anyway is kind of a dogwhistle for should-be-right-wing-just-plain-folks?
Thank you for the recommendation! I will check it out when I can’t stand the headache any more.
I actually read about the idea on a not-pro-puppy site somewhere, though I forget where. It may have been something along the lines of, the puppies do kind of have a point on this one, it’s too bad they’re using it as a dog whistle rather than actually trying to improve anything.
I do think protagonists are not working class all that often. There are definitely a lot of working class background characters in many books, but it seems like the protagonist is more often upper middle class or upper class or, on a spaceship, an officer. There are definitely some great counter examples, though.
My NaNo project is not really going to affect this at all, I enjoy NaNo but at least at this time in my life I’m not devoted enough to being a writer to work on actually getting something to a publishable state and then published.
Hm this is interesting, now I’m going to be going through my bookshelves this weekend thinking about working class characters as protagonists versus background characters!
I definitely saw some discussion of the lack of working-class protagonists pre-Puppies, mostly at WisCon, where class consciousness and labor organizing is a big thing. (That’s also where I saw an anthology of working-class SF stories, and I thought it was Aqueduct Press but I can’t find it on their site, so maybe not. I’ll see if I can track it down.) I do think it’s a thing, and I think it’s related to SF/F stories being focused so much on world-changing events, which does tend to demand people in positions of influence. But then again, the underdog, so. Probably it’s more directly related to working-class people not having the energy to do a lot of writing.
(I’ve been trying to decide if Bujold’s Falling Free counts. Leo Graff is a teacher, but an engineer? The whole book feels very blue-collar to me.)
I’d be interested in reading that anthology, if you remember the name of it.
Found it! It’s Menial: Skilled Labor in Science Fiction.
I don’t think Falling Free counts? I feel like there’s a division between management and non-management in industry that carries over to Falling Free, and Graff is definitely management, though the overall setting is industrial and the quaddies could be described as blue-collar. But my sense of that division is largely based on how my dad talked about his workplace when I was a kid, so it may not generalize. (Also I’m not sure how I feel about Falling Free being so focused on the privileged dude who makes the liberation of oppressed people possible? The way the book sets it up it works pretty well, but it’s kind of not the angle I’d most like to see, but maybe it’s the angle that best gets the core ideas of the book to the most people? I dunno.)
I like Tanya Huff’s Valor books, which are MilSF with a non-commissioned officer as the protagonist. Katniss Everdeen is definitely working class, at least in the first book (I haven’t read the others). And there are some working class protagonists in SF comedy, like Philip J. Fry, but I’m not sure how much of a positive that is.
I do think working class people write less SF, but I don’t know if it’s due to lack of energy or, like, different priorities that place less emphasis on quiet, individual hobbies that often don’t produce anything, such as reading and writing. (Different priorities does not mean worse or wrong priorities.) Or perhaps I’m wrong and they write lots of SF but have more trouble getting it published.
I definitely would be interested in that anthology.
I agree with you about the “what these people need is a honky”-ness of Falling Free. And I admit I know next to nothing about engineering as a career path, so I bow to your nearer proximity to expertise.
And I tracked down the anthology – it’s Menial: Skilled Labor in Science Fiction.
Do you think so? I haven’t seen it before so I don’t know at all, but I have thought a lot about class in SF, especially in re Bujold (whom we love love love). I honestly can’t think of many books with working class protagonists that actually /are/ working class rather than that being shorthand for Horatio Algerish stuff.
I can think of a few things off the top of my head – Tanya Huff’s Valor series, Balance of Trade and Trade Secret by Sharon Lee & Steve Miller – but you may be right, the shorthand is often for “coming up from the underclass on your wits”.
I will think about it more too, we used to read SF exclusively & ravenously but that was a long time ago so I am not really as qualified to talk about the genre as I think I am. 🙂
Isn’t George Orr in The Lathe of Heaven some kind of machinist?
Soo late, but maybe Chuck Wendig’s Heartland trilogy? Technically YA, but I feel like this is a site where don’t have to do the ‘but good for adults too’ supplication dance.
First book is Under the Empyrean Sky: http://www.amazon.com/Under-Empyrean-Sky-Heartlan…
Sheepfarmer’s Daughter (book one of The Deed of Paksennarion) by Elizabeth Moon has a working-class woman in the titular role, and plenty of supporting characters too. It’s Fantasy rather than SF, but if you’re looking for working-class protags, this is a great one.
Gertrude Rubin’s second happiness book; whatever it’s called.
I mean Gretchen Rubin. And the book is “Happier at Home”
I also just got Going Clear on my Kindle from the library, so time to learn more about Scientology.
It’s really good! Holy moly, L. Ron Hubbard was CRAY-CRAY BANANAS.
I honestly thought I was nevr going to fininsh, and then the last 30% was almost all footnotes and I was so relieved. It’s good, but just not a headspace I wanted to stay in for so long.
I just finished TNC’s Between the World and Me and I am floored. I’d like to write a review of it for Goodreads and I seriously don’t even know where to begin. I would like to force every white person to read this book.
Can we give TNC the Pulitzer already, please?
Next up, after I pick it up from the library, is Wondering Who You Are by Sonya Lea. I can’t wait.
I can’t wait to read that one soon!
Somebody recced me He Says He Is An Experimental Theologian by SailorPtah, which is a novel-length Night Vale/His Dark Materials crossover (Carlos POV), and I can’t remember who it was in order to thank them! But at least I can pass on the rec, the crossover works incredibly well and I love the writing and the sidelights on the characters.
I love that!
I just re-read “Into Thin Air”, about the 1996 Everest disaster, and I couldn’t put it down. The things some people can do!
Wolf Hall! We are so late to the party on this but OMG it is amazing and it reminds me so much of Hild although I can’t really put my finger on why. Also a big pile of other stuff, one of our system members is setting out to become a book blogger and I have to say it has really diversified our TBR pile.
Right now I’m reading Paper Things by Jennifer Jacobson, which is technically a Juvenile novel (so for ages 8-12) but it’s so wonderfully written it feels like an adult book.
I’m also getting into the Cloe Ellefson mysteries by Kathleen Ernst, which are cozies but not in a trope-y way. The main character is a curator at an historical museum in Wisconsin, and they’re set in the early 80s but the author doesn’t bash you over the head ~totally rad references every two sentences.
I’m reading A Little Life based off a friend’s instagram photo of the pile of tissues she cried into while reading it. I love sad reads!
It’s VERY good, and I also read a review that called it “the great American gay novel” which makes me keen to continue (many characters are gay), but there is so much self harm described in great detail that it’s challenging to keep going.
I finally read Sex Criminals, Vol I so obviously I’m spending half my time staring at the library’s hold list wondering why Vol II hasn’t shipped my way yet.
While I wait, I’m reading Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi and also I’ve been dipping in & out of Geraldine Brooks’s Nine Parts of Desire, so those books are talking to each other in my head.
My current romance read is Shannon Stacey’s Heat Exchange and as always with her, it works for me!
I’ve been meaning to read Nine Parts of Desire – what’s it like?
Almost done with Elena Ferrante #2! There is very little chance I’ll finish #3 before #4 comes out next week but I might try.
I just started #2, it’s like I don’t want to read any more because then it will end.
I’m currently switching between The Three Body Problem by Cixin Liu; Hateship, Friendship, Courtship, Loveship, Marriage by Alice Munro; and Quartet in Autumn by Barbara Pym, depending on my mood.
All of my rejection letters seem to come at the moment of peak PMS. Which leads to a lot of despair about whether I’m cut out for this at all.
Hang in there!
None of us is cut out for job hunting. We do it anyway. Please don’t despair. You’ll be OK. ::Jedi hugs::
Sending best wishes and hugs!! <3
I know this feeling. *hug*
Fanfic thread!
This week, I rediscovered one of my ~formative~ fics and tragically realized that it wasn’t nearly as good as I remember. What did the author have against contractions? I also discovered that most of the other formative fics had disappeared from the Internet, including a particularly batshit one (Ginny gets sorted into Slytherin and turns into the most Mary Sue to ever Mary Sue) that I desperately wanted to re-read.
Has anyone ever gone back to the fics they’ve known and loved and found them wanting? Or completely gone? What good stuff are you reading this weekend? I will be re-reading The Least of All Possible Mistakes with Tom Hiddleston firmly ensconced as my image of Mycroft (NOT CHRIS PRATT NEVER CHRIS PRATT)
HAAAAAA 😀 😀 😀
I don’t read fic anymore except for this one author that I’ve been following (stalking more like) since the LJ days; and I beta’d a fic for here recently and its amazing and you should all read it
http://archiveofourown.org/works/4629843 Its Harry/Eggys from Kingsman and its glorious.
(Is there anyone out there from The Mighty Boosh fandom? cause if you were you may remember this author from her epic bank robbers Stockholm Syndrom fic that is my all time favourite thing in the world and my PDF copies are a very precious possession of mine. )
I did something I REALLY shouldn’t have (by my judgment) the other day and went back to look at my own writings from college, back when I still watched anime. I wasn’t as horrified as I expected to be, but they weren’t nearly as good as I thought they were at the time. (It sort of makes me wonder what I’m going to think of my current Huge Fic Series in six or seven years.)
But yeah, I’m going to try and finish the last part of my Huge Fic Series by the end of September, so it’s unlikely I’ll be reading much besides my rough drafts. WISH ME LUCK.
THAT HARTWIN FIC MIGHT BE MY MOST FAVORITE EVER
I have read it like three times since it was posted the other day. I want to live in it. It’s perfect.
I’m not even in this fandom and I loved it. I love this girls writing and I would literally read her shopping list. You should follow her on twitter and ask about her original novel, its victorian photography nerd gayness. Seriously, amazing.
I just recently got back into fanfic! I’m reading one by Sir Poley, which is a crossover of Harry Potter and a self-aware genre-savvy character from Dungeons and Dragons. It sounds ridiculous, it *is* ridiculous, but I effing love it. Also, if anybody can rec some really good HP fanfic, that would be awesome, because there is *so* much utter crap out there, and it’s hard to find the good stuff.
As for re-reading and finding stuff is crap… if I just find the stuff I wrote early in my fanfic career and re-read that, then I find terrible things and am sad for how bad it is.
So, I always recommend Commentarius with a few caveats:
1. The writing at the beginning isn’t great because Lily sounds like pretty much like every other teenage girl, but the writing gets much, much better
2. It is RIDICULOUSLY long
3. It’s still a WIP and the author is still technically working on it, but that means we get an update like…every two years and that day is basically a holiday for me (her chapters are basically the length of a novel).
That said, it’s my favorite fic of all time and I’ve gotten like 5 people obsessed with it.
2 is not and never has been an issue. I love epic length fics! Thanks for the rec, I will add it to my spreadsheet where I keep track of fics I may want to read because I am a big nerd.
Awesome! If you go to her tumblr (bcdaily.tumblr.com), there’s an ebook version as well. It’s on my iBooks app and it’s literally 3000 pages long.
Wow, that is super long! Btw, are you familiar with ficsave? It will let you download fanfic from a number of sites as ePub, MOBI, PDF or text, and it even maintains the chapter structure (at least for MOBI – probably not for text). I’ve only used it with ffn but it seems to work pretty well. It’s how I now read fanfic on my Kindle on my commute.
Oh yeah, I’ve downloaded the vast majority of the fic I read. It’s easy on AO3, but I also have a converter on my computer and I have been known to copy and paste into Word documents if I really have to.
COMMENTARIUS!!!! I was just about to come down and comment that even though SO MANY of the James/Lily fics I used to love are very Not Good looking back now, at least I will always have Commentarius to go back and reread five million times! It is my fave fic of all time as well! I got someone into it earlier this year and I was ridiculously pleased.
ALSO God bless the person who formatted it for Kindle because having it on my Kindle to read and reread forever has been a great development in my life. (It’s so weird to me to think of how long I’ve been following it-but I have plenty of faith in Bee to finish it eventually)
Yes! That fic I was disappointed in was the L/J fic “Lust…or Love” and was the one that got pulled from FFN and caused a whole schism in the HP fanfic community back in the day. But oh MAN the first chapter is rough. I’m going to finish it for nostalgia’s sake, but it is Not Great now.
I really want to find more great L/J fic because I miss it a lot, but the one time I went searching for it in AO3, the descriptions were all pretty disappointing in the sense that they all seemed the same as all the Not Great fic I used to read. On the other hand it was kind of comforting in a nostalgic, ‘the more things change the more they stay the same’ sense.
Maybe my fav Harry Potter fic is Lettered’s The Pure and Simple truth, which is marginally Harry/Draco but is really the post war fic of my dreams where everyone has long, important and often funny conversations where they work through the bucketload of issues their terrible teenage years left them with. That makes it sound boring but I swear it isn’t. A whole bunch of characters show up and they’re all perfect but her Pansy Parkinson is a particularly phenomenal creation. She belongs in Wodehouse or Sayers, she’s so good. There are no heroes or villains, really, just a bunch of people trying to do better than their parents did.
Now I know what I’m reading when I get home tonight.
I really like starfishstar’s HP fics – http://archiveofourown.org/users/starfishstar
My favorite HP fanfiction is and likely always will be the Shoebox project http://shoebox.lomara.org/ I definitely re-read it in the last few years after getting obsessed with it in HS (when it was still updating on a Thursday basis) and reading it was a little bit like “hmm… so this is where my sense of humor comes from…”
copperbadge has also written several HP fics and I’m fond of the Stealing Harry one.
<3 copperbadge. Especially Ironsides.
<3 Shoebox forever!
I love the Shoebox Project, although not quite as much as the HP fics written by Sarah Rees Brennan (Maya/mistful, as she was known then).
I’m not sure how Chris Pratt got conflated into Mycroft, when CLEARLY he would cosplay better as Lestrade. It’s like a bad game of Telephone. I am with you 100000% on this. If Tom Hiddleston were my boyfriend, I would make him cosplay as Mycroft so I could be Lestrade. IT JUST WORKS.
My fault entirely, in the If Chris Pratt Was Your Boyfriend thread, I apologize
YOU DIDN’T KNOW ANY BETTER we forgive you
<3
Ugh, that sucks but OMG that gif. I don’t think I’ve ever been disappointed in a re-read. *knocks wood*
I’m still on my Arthur/Eames revisit, though, and have found a lot of great new-to-me stuff. This one in particular was wonderful.
I would love fic recs for The Man from UNCLE (the movie, I mean). I’m up for any combinations of the main 3 characters, though I’m partial to OT3 fic (which is unusual for me, but they just work so well together).
The formative fics I can think of off the top of my head have actually IMPROVED with re-reading– pir8fancier’s stuff, byblythe’s Corridors of Power….. Especially CoP, because it’s SO DAMN BRITISH, and there are lots of things I didn’t really get the first time or two though, but after getting way more familiar with British politics and geography and stuff….. ooooh. ooooh. So good. I’ve probably just conveniently forgotten the not-so-great ones.
OH YES, those authors. Oh, yes, yes, yes.
I might have to re-read Corriders of Power this weekend.
Oh fuck I just read the first segment and that’s it, done
Oh god I started reading fan fic again after about ten years and I think I’ve read more Hunger Games fan fic in the past month than there is actual Hunger Games books. I haven’t thought to branch out into other fandoms – I think I look for fan fic when I love something but am unhappy with the ultimate ending/want more from the characters and I don’t think there’s really anything else in my fandom life that I’m as dissatisfied with as THG? At least not any that I can think of right now. I’m afraid of going down another rabbit hole as well – I need to finish this library book eventually and more fan fic will probably not help with that!
I used to read a lot of CSI fan fic that paired several of the male characters in the show and I’ve been tempted to find it again but….some things are best left in the past, I think!
I will take ANY AND ALL Hunger Games fic recommendations (and if you haven’t read aimmyarrowshigh’s fic you need to ASAP) because there’s so much bad stuff that I’ve almost given up on trying to find the good stuff in there.
Oh boy well I never said I read high quality fan fic (I have a tendency to do simple searches like “rated explicit, recently updated,” if you want an idea of my fan fic priorities), but I am greatly enjoying this series with Peeta as the captain of the Flyers. It’s a work in progress over the course of several years but the author seems recently re-committed to finishing it?? So I have hopes we’ll eventually find out if they win the cup haha < <a href=”http://;http://archiveofourown.org/works/534674” target=”_blank”>;http://archiveofourown.org/works/534674
I also like this one featuring Finnick and Annie as unlikely roommates (also WIP), although I thought a plotline with her mom tied up a bit too nicely http://archiveofourown.org/works/4411166
I have a few links at home too, I’ll send more your way this evening!
Check out the author ‘deathmallow’ on AO3. I really liked their stories.
Bah my comment went rouge and is a drifter in the comments.
Here’s the one I knew was -actually- good! It’s an interesting parrallel to the actual books, Katniss and Peeta as movie stars under the thumb of a machine-style production company. Admittedly, it’s a series and I’ve only read the first one, but I liked it!
Also this from Gale’s POV, because there is never enough Gale.
Gah! I’m trying to find a cute one where single parents Katniss and Peeta get together but I’m not finding the right one, I deleted it off my nook already. Anyway, like I mentioned, I don’t always go for quality over smut level so YMMV with these recs. I’m looking forward to diving into aimmyarrowshigh, thanks!
To The Victor, the Spoil by Annakovsky is great in a dark, bleak kind of way, plus it has the added benefit of being Katniss/Haymitch, which is just not something I’ve seen very often.
So, this was going to be a comment where I was going to link to Mary Jean Holmes’ BTTF fanfiction, but her site’s gone! D: It’s a shame, because her stories were really enjoyable/well-written! Like, possible novellas from a universe where BTTF had a slightly Trek-ish fandom that warranted novelizations of the later adventures of Doc and co. Well, anyways, here’s Kristen Sheley’s BTTF fanfiction, which is also good reads! http://www.kristensheley.com/bttf/stories.html
For Least of All Possible Mistakes, who do you picture George as? I have quite a specific George in my head and can never find an actress that QUITE fits.
I’ve just realized I picture her as an older version of Ellen Muth from Dead Like Me, which I think is entirely because her character is also named George.
https://www.google.com/search?q=ellen+muth&es…
FINE intensedebate I didn’t want to format a link anyway
I hadn’t thought about this, but now I have, and Gillian Anderson or Rachel Weisz.
I’ve always imagined her as looking like Jessica Hynes, but I like the Gillian Anderson suggestion as well.
Sue Perkins.
There was one devastating Clint/Coulson fic with broken fingers that’s been taken down. Whyyyy I just need to read it one more time.
Sarah Rees Brennan wrote some fun HP fanfic back in the LJ days, but she took it all down when her first novel was published. That’s too bad, because I would reread if it were still out there.
Not to disrespect her wishes or anything, but PDFs of Underwater Light are still floating around out there. Somewhere.
And the Veela story. I mean, I’ve heard.
She recently wrote kind of a fic to go with a short story in the Monstrous Affections collection and its kind of reminiscent of her more recent fanfic but obviously with all her own characters. Look up Turn of the Story – you won’t regret it.
I may *cough* or may not have a file of all of her HP fanfics that she briefly published before pulling them down.
I also could be persuaded to put them up on google drive, should there be any interested parties.
Ahem.
I don’t really want to be *that person* but SRB really, really doesn’t want people to share those files. People have been really awful and harassed her about her fanfiction, and though I’m sure that we can trust all of the wonderful Toasties, it would be nice to respect her wishes. (Seriously people tracked down her address and her grandparents’ phone number and harassed THEM).
I love SRB and her work! Turn of the Story is an AMAZING, free, novel-length story that is online. Also, her latest trilogy, “The Lynburn Legacy” is an awesome gothic parody with a spunky girl reporter (a person of color!) and a beautiful swooning “gothic maiden” who in this case is an emotionally stunted dude. I also love “Team Human” which she wrote with Justine Larbastier.
Oh my, Turn of the Story. That’s one of those things I periodically have to reread. Misandrist elves 4evar.
Before she took them down, a huge PDF of all of them was made available to download. I am happy to email it to you if you want; they are some of my favourite fics.
Would you please email it to me? I have the PDF of Underwater Light but none of her other fic, and I have fond memories of them. arbors.and.ardors at gmail. Thank you! <3
I have totally done that! “Oh man, I remember this one; it hit on so many things, let me reread it and enjoy the feels …oh. Well.”
Somewhere in the internet’s Room of Requirement, there is a bunch of West Wing fanfic that I read in high school and have not been able to find again.
I just read a Les Mis high school AU! It is here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/2306315 I am weeeeirdly particular about my AUs, but this one is Enjolras/Grantaire and basically adorable.
I re-read all my favorite stories for one of my first fandoms recently and unapologetically loved them all. There was such an eager earnestness to fics written back then – this was 2001-02ish. I miss those days when the internet was young and fresh!
Did just rediscover an amazing author of 3:10 to Yuma stories. My kink is apparently filthy cowboys? I’m ok with this. I can’t go to AO3 at work (alas!) but I think her pen name there is handful_ofdust. She writes original fiction too and I love that she embraces her fannish side.
Mark Gatiss is already cast as Mycroft, you monster.
Are there any toasties going to Rose City ComiCon that would mind picking up a pair of Kelly Sue DeConnick’s kickass Non-Compliant leggings for me and shipping them to me in Canada? I will send you cookies for your trouble! It would be a pre-order so I would just have to pay you for shipping. Look how awesome they are: http://kellysue.tumblr.com/post/127750568473/pre-…
Mr. Blazes is going. I’ll ask him!
EDIT: His reply, and I quote: “HELL YES! Any chance to meet Kelly Sue and Matt Fraction!”
So how do we get in touch? 🙂
Got your email, so I deleted my comment with my contact info. Thank you!
Glad you worked it out! She just posted on Tumblr that they actually are available for mail order now, if others are looking.
I have become strangely obsessed with planting a potted garden of succulent plants. Maybe because I am unemployed and need a hobby, maybe because I’ve been tending a virtual one in Viridi (correlative, not causative!). Or maybe just because LOOK AT THAT GEOMETRY:
Gardening Toastfolk: any suggestions what to buy? I’ve got echeveria and burro’s tail on the list right now. Plants have several requirements: 1) Must not kill my cats or make them barf (so, aloe is out; I’m planning on moving the pots inside for the winter), 2) Must be hard to kill, 3) Must be fabulously symmetrical or geometric-looking.
I LOVE SUCCULENTS. My general rule was to buy everything that looked extremely strange, and not to water them too much. I also took on this hobby while I was job hunting and it is rewarding! Be mindful that often the succulents grow and change shape, or one may overpower/ grow over another , or they may come together and look even cooler than your original design. A lot of them have surprise flowers too!
The one you have posted is lovely!
Wait, so not only will they look cool, but a Darwinian botanical battle might occur in the pot? Fucking SCORE!
Yeah, the one in the picture is aspirational. If I had more space, I’d buy a long stone trough and plant a long line of many-colored echeveria.
That’s beautiful.
I love succulent gardens! Sorry, that’s all I got…wait, try your local florist and/or garden centre. When I was a (mediocre) floral designer, living plant baskets were the best (I was less terrible making those vs. bouquets).
Good luck!
Ooo, I should try the florist too – good idea! Otherwise, I might try our local Home Depot, since they seem to have the largest possible garden center + lots of “home decorating” plants.
I’m also planning on buying and planting some mint and letting it just kind of run wild and take over the entire garden patch. (We’re moving before next summer! I’m sowing the earth with mint!) (Yes, this is a dick move.)
Mint plants are basically The Mafia and they will choke out all competition, BE CAREFUL. You can also just plant them in pots?
Oh yeah, like I said, dick move! We have two raised beds which have remained fallow as a weed-growing experiment all summer (I am laaaaazy), so I think I’ll clear both out and do one lettuce and one mint. Plus some mums in pots and the aforementioned potted garden. I failed as a gardener this past summer.
Hah, total dick move, says the lazy gardner who just ended up letting her mint run wild. But gotta admit, I took some of my dried mint and crushed it over my lamb sausage last night and it was DELISH! Plus, when you mow the lawn where the mint has creeped over, it smells amazing.
Sent from my iPad
string of pearls. impossible to kill, very pretty, can be hung but also looks dramatic and pretty trailing over an end table
*Googles, nods most approvingly, immediately adds to list!*
(EDIT: aw nuts, though it looks like it’s toxic to cats. Too awesome-looking to ignore, though, so I’ll save this for an outdoor plant at the start of next summer!)
ah, good, you caught that! i just realized i’d glossed over the cats part of your initial question. don’t want to make your cats sick!
but, yes, maybe an outdoor plant?
Yup! Or a planter hanging from a door frame / the ceiling, up where the cats can’t reach it.
(Haha, just kidding – they will ALWAYS be able to reach it. The monsters.)
I killed my string of pearls. But it was the classic succulent mistake, over-watering.
Haworthias are supposed to be cat-safe. This is tricky because succulents are frequently incorrectly labelled or not labelled at all when you buy them, so you might accidentally pick up a pukey variety thinking it’s a non-pukey one. Have your cats gone for succulents before? You might get lucky and have cats that don’t think succulents count as real plants; but then, the plant-eater in my life once went for a prickly cactus so WHO KNOWS, some are very determined. Maybe you could supply another, more appetizing cat-safe plant within easy reach for them (something nice and grassy, more obviously edible to their tiny cat brains than a succulent would be) and they’ll leave your desert planter alone.
They went for the prickly catcus? Haha, oh deeeeaaar…
Oo, Zebra Haworthia is listed under the ASPCA’s non-toxic list! That might be exactly what I’m looking for, for some nice dramatic verticality. We’ve actually removed potted plants entirely from the house since we got cats four years ago, so there’s no track record, but I don’t trust either of them a single bit. The female cat once managed to turn on the stove with her paw, so I’m assuming they will eat and/or fuck up anything nice I bring into the house. I should buy them their own little pot of cat grass…which they then won’t eat. (The lemon pound cake I had for breakfast is MUCH more interesting!)
I posted below and then looked around and realized, you might like bromelliads too, if what you love is that beautiful spiralling symmetry. They come large and small. I have never gotten one to flower again! But I love the variegated leaves. You can sometimes find them even in supermarket florists!
Ooooo…good idea! Probably harder to kill than a spiral aloe too.
I watched her sniff the cactus and boop her nose on the spines, assuming she would realize that it was Not Food… and then she turned her head to the side, opened wide, and tried to chomp down on the whole thing like she was snapping into a slim jim. DAMMIT, KITTY. Luckily neither cat nor cactus suffered permanent damage. All in all it sounds less terrifying than your cat trying to kill you all by turning the stove on!
Since I just saw that someone else suggested bromeliads, if you like weird architectural plants, have you considered tillandsias? Many varieties don’t have roots–you water them by dunking them in the sink for a few minutes every now and then, or misting regularly–so you can put them ANYWHERE, in all kinds of weird arrangements, and they’re cat-safe. Unfortunately (or hilariously?) they also double as great cat TOYS, since having no roots means your cat can just pick it up and take it wherever they want.
Oh kitties. You destroy everything beautiful in this world, you cute little monsters! We now store our stove knobs in a separate drawer. (Cats: “Yes please DO buy some tillandsias!!”)
Oxalis is nice! Apparently it spreads a lot when in the ground so I just grow it in pots (as a houseplant on my windowsill because it can stand the heat and direct light very well). I think its leaves are very geometric, and they open and close depending on the light levels.
Ceropegia woodii is very hard to kill! In fact you have to pretty much ignore it to make it flower. It’s pretty because its leaves go silver. But it’s not very geometric – in fact its quite tangly sometimes.
BUT my mum and I think its flowers look a bit like penises. And we find that very funny.
Preettyyyyyyyy. (And those are decidedly tiny dongs.)
I like you and your mom. And, yes, they do.
Oh I like the ones that look like rocks, but idk what they’re called.
Google says Lithops. http://www.drought-smart-plants.com/succulent-pla…
http://www.drought-smart-plants.com/images/150xNx…
Nice! Those second ones are pagoda plants, right? I had not seen them before – they are most cool!
Haworthias (“washboard plant”) have great visual texture of this kind—ribbing on the leaves as well as the leaf growth pattern.
You might like to try some tillandsias—air plants—as well; I have huge success with them growing in bright indirect light. Some are bedded in pebbles (in various shallow dishes—the pebbles just hold them up) and some I actually got the “Tilly Tacker” glue for and glued them to bits of driftwood and rocks and stuff for a kind of diorama; again, a thin layer of polished pebbles makes it look finished. Add plastic figurines as you like. Mist daily (JUST MIST, don’t soak).
Have also thought about doing air plants, maybe in some little glass terrariums! Though part of me feels like I need a nicer house to go with these awesome plants.
They even flower! Any dish can be an air plant dish! I have some in a long narrow thing that was supposed to be for olives (??) and a flat white Ikea serving dish. Old ashtrays or something with a pretty rim would be good too. Their great enemy is too much moisture, and they need air circulation, so I have only once tried a terrarium and they didn’t do well—water pools for too long at the base of the leaves, and they rot out. (That’s why a single short mist squirt is enough.)
Bright indirect light seems to be very helpful to them, I had some arranged in a very dim inner room and they sulked and finally gave up the ghost.
Lithops! All you have to do is not water them 50% of the year, and only barely water them (once a week or less) the rest of the year. You DO NOT water them when they look like this:
and you lightly water them once they’ve shed their outer leaves and look like this:
I love mine, I call them my weird babies because they are truly weird.
Tiny butts! (Christ, I am five years old.) Digging the almost-no-water part, mhmm.
Oh yeah, I may call them my weird babies, but my roommates call them “alien dicks” and they’re not wrong. They are absurd little plants.
If you can’t find them at a greenhouse near your, I’ve had pretty good luck buying succulents online from this place: http://aridlandswholesale.com/oscommerce/ you have to pay a bit for shipping, but of the 3-4 plants I’ve bought there so far, they’ve all arrived alive and intact. I got these guys at a greenhouse, but it looks like this website carries similar ones: http://aridlandswholesale.com/oscommerce/index.ph…
Nice – thanks! Also, nothing about this does not make me laugh:
My office just got a large number of really gorgeous succulent planters (which must have cost a fortune, which means I REALLY have to bill some time… thanks spendy partners!). That’s all, I guess? I’m a lawyer, I don’t get to have hobbies but I do get to have a swanky office?
Anyone have tips for propgating succulents? I ripped off some leaves, let them dry out until roots sprouted, then laid them in soil. The roots keep growing and growing but its been about two months and no sprouts of new leaves yet (the mother leaves are starting to whither). Tips?
I’ve had good luck pulling a chunk, letting it sit in the dark overnight, smearing the bottom with honey (which acts similarly to rooting hormones) and plonking that sucker in a pot with barely moist soil. Sometimes keeping them out of direct sunlight until they’ve perked up a bit helps, too. Good luck!
I love aptenia/acrodon, which can be indoor or outdoor, has neat green leaves that range from slightly rusted to glossy and jade-colored, and gets little red flowers that are so perfect it’s silly. Grows like a manic, does well as a hanging plant, and I don’t think it’s a cat-killer but double-check that to be safe. I got mine from a neighbor who had lots of this plant and a lot of cats, so…
Oh wow, the aptenia looks really really pretty! Checks out on the UC Davis “safe plants” list, too! Thanks!
Toasts, this is a LONG WHINE. You have been warned.
So basically, I’m increasingly unhappy at my job. I rarely have anything to do, and due to the nature of the job/the organization, there’s a very limited scope of activities I can take on to keep myself occupied. I did come up with a project, but while it’s theoretically a useful thing to be doing, essentially it’s just busywork and the org wouldn’t suffer in any real way if I had never undertaken the project or if I decided to abandon it. Most days I leave at 5 knowing that nobody benefitted in any way by my being there. It is extremely frustrating to feel so useless and not have anything to do that even begins to approach meaningful work. (And yes, I know this is a big First World Problem – some people are trapped in jobs that are outright dangerous, some people would give their eyeteeth for any job at all, and I’m complaining that I get to spend 8 hours a day puttering around on the internet. Still frustrating though.)
Most of my coworkers are really cliquish. I’m not the type to lose any sleep over whether people at work like me or not – I don’t want to sound like a contestant on a reality show or anything, but I’m not here to make friends. That being said, it’s hard not to get upset when, for example, a coworker says goodbye to everyone whose desks she walks past on her way out except me. Or when everyone plans a division-wide lunch and my direct report and I are the only ones who aren’t invited/told about it. Shitty coworkers on top of unfulfilling work is just adding insult to injury.
There’s also the fact that this was supposed to be an 8-month contract, but they keep extending it (of all things to be complaining about, right?). I was thinking that when it’s up for renewal in March I can just say, “Thanks, but no thanks” but I’m conflicted. On the one hand, the thought of still being here in March makes me want to shriek, never mind being here past March; on the other hand, I don’t think I could bring myself to just quit – I’m too risk-averse to give up a job with nothing else lined up.
I’ve mentioned in previous threads that I’m not all that happy in Ottawa and I really want to go back to Montreal – the crappy job situation just exacerbates that baseline level of unhappiness. I feel stuck because realistically, the only way for me to get out of here is for my husband to get a job offer. I’ve taken a look at MLIS-type jobs in the Montreal area and the most interesting ones pay about 25% less than I’m currently making, or about 1/3 of our current joint income – I really can’t justify moving back for that, and having him be unemployed for who knows how long.
And I kind of feel like a jerk for complaining about this because it’s not THAT bad, it’s not like I have to do backbreaking physical labour every day or inhale dangerous substances or whatever. I’m young, healthy, happily married, make enough money to travel and all of that. But this work stuff is really dragging me down. My first job out of library school was so great. I loved the work, my coworkers ranged from nice-but-occasionally-irritating to REALLY NICE, and my boss was amazing. I wish I were still there.
I feel you. And I totally get where you’re coming from!
I’m in a very similar position, I work in an agency and we’re having a quiet year and I’m the most junior so I get all the crappy projects. I’ve been here nearly a 1 1/2 and I just feel useless and bored. I’m half looking at other jobs, but I do really like my team and my boss, just the rest of the company are a pain.
So yeah, staying at the job because its a good, cushy, permanent job that a lot of people my age would kill for, and probably also staying because of confidence issues. But I really should ramp up the job hunt so that I can move before I really start to hate it and piss about (I’m already coming in late more than I should).
I think its a totally valid feeling to have; yes there are people worse off but you have to look after number 1 sometimes! (I really hate this modern culture and economy that makes us all so grateful to have any job that we’ll put up with far too much shit.)
Ugh. I’m so sorry, bb. Don’t feel like a jerk about complaining, though! Remember, unhappiness isn’t a contest. You have a right to be happy.
Oh, man, I could borrow about every other sentence for my own job-related LONG WHINE. I wish I had something useful to say, but instead I’ll just have to let Le Tigre do the words for me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikm4ZmN-3vQ
You’re not being a jerk! This is a completely legitimate thing to be frustrated about. Actually, just this morning a Facebook acquaintance of mine linked to this article on how having a job you hate can actually be worse for you, emotionally speaking, than having no job. You shouldn’t have to settle for being underutilized and underappreciated, ESPECIALLY if your coworkers suck. Like, good coworkers can absolutely be the saving grace of an otherwise crappy job, but can make a mediocre job that much worse.
If moving back to Montreal isn’t feasible right now, are there at least other temporary situations in Ottawa you could start exploring? Would your husband be open to at least looking at job listings in Montreal to see if there’s anything out there that might work?
He’s been applying for jobs in Montreal (we’re actually still waiting to hear back from one) but his lack of fluency in French is a major barrier :/
Yes! I am an evangelist for quitting a bad job if it’s starting to affect your emotional/physical health. Unemployment is scary, it’s stressful, but those months I had off to recover from a bad job (which, I had individually loved the people and the work was ok and had been there for 7 years, but collectively there was major toxicity happening and as office manager, I was right in the middle having to mediate and soothe bruised feelings constantly, which was super draining for me), was the best thing that could have happened to me. It doesn’t sound like it’s quite to that point yet, but I say if a job ever does start to really affect your physical or emotional state, don’t wait for something else to come along, just get out. If it’s not to that point, then maybe stay and start looking for other options.
Aw, I don’t think you’re a jerk….whether it’s dangerous goods handling or office administrative, any job causing undue mental stress is awful, period.
You’re doing the right thing by sticking it out; I abruptly left a job that I loved/hated without lining anything up first and three years later, I’m still “in between adventures”. And looking for something more suitable is good, too; you never know what could pop up!
Good luck & happy hunting, I’m rooting for you!
I’ve been there. Exactly there. Ostracized by coworkers from Day One because I’m not From Here. Nothing to do. Just be there so the anxious attorney can feel calmer, even though he has nothing for me to do 95% of the time. Agreed, surfing the internet is no fun 40 hours a week.
The toll on your emotional health is real and significant. Do not minimize it. As CleverManka said, you deserve to be happy. Feeling useful, being a valued contributor, is necessary for most of us to feel happy. The negative health effects of idleness are well documented.
You are wise to keep this job while hunting for another. I recommend a dual search. Look for jobs locally as well as jobs you would have to move to take. Never mind, for now, what the location would mean for your husband. Pursuing a job is not a commitment. You can always turn down an offer if it’s not right for both of you. You never know. You might find something so good that your husband gets excited and begins planning a move and how to live on your income while he hunts in the new location. You might get an offer from a place that offers to help your husband find local work. Wait for the offer before deciding against it. But you know your market better than I ever could. I trust your judgment.
I have been there! You’re not a jerk for complaining!! Not feeling like you’re using your brain or doing anything productive can definitely wear you down.
In my previous job, I was paid reasonably well, but the actual work I was doing (e.g., running papers through a numbering machine all day) was incredibly mind-numbing. I felt like, even though things were tolerable, I was wasting my life.
I ended up getting a new job and relocating near my family a few years ago. My current job has its own stresses occasionally, but I’m a million times happier now because I’m actually using my brain and the skills I learned in college and law school.
(I’m afraid I can’t speak to the spousal job issues, but I hope you can reach some sort of compromise and end up in jobs that suit you both. In my experience, it’s hard to make a relationship work when one person is really unhappy, for whatever reason).
Incidentally, I did find that there was a *lot* of truth to the adage that it’s much easier to find a job when you already have one.
I feel your feels. If it helps, I am in Ottawa as well; are you downtwon? We can have lunch dates?
Central New York State Toasties! My spouse and I will be attending the Great New York State Fair (that is really the name) this Sunday, August 30. Hit me up at shakerethyl at gmail if you’d like to meet up!
I’m not a CNY toastie any longer but I just wanted to say HAVE SO MUCH FUN. I grew up in Syracuse and I miss the Great New York State Fair a lot.
I am in the office today instead of working from home as I usually do on Fridays, and I am mad that I can’t Toast as much as I’d like because of coworkers being able to see my screen.
BUT Fury Road is at the good theater ( http://www.cinerama.com/History.aspx ) in Seattle today only, so I am leaving work early to go to the 3:45 show.
SO JEALOUS.
I’m going to the 7pm show and am SO STOKED
Spouse was worrying that nobody would be there and I reminded him PAX is on so I’m sure it will be packed. I’ve only seen it at rural theaters without many other folks there so I am SUPER excited to see it with presumably an enthusiastic crowd. Nobody ever wants to applaud with me at the end! Nobody else ever laughs out loud when the rig runs away from them because they don’t know Nux is driving! UGH, PEOPLE
I was going to quibble with your priorities. I mean! Job before Toast is … well, almost unacceptable. 😉 Then I saw you are leaving work early for Fury Road. Very good. Proper priorities. Carry on.
Aaah, lucky! Hope you enjoyed it. (It is not due out on DVD here in the UK until October, and I cannot wait to rewatch it then.)
Shoutout to all the Toasties who armed me with interview advice a few open threads ago—I got the job!
Hooray!
YASSS QUEEN. Congratulations!
Congratulations!!!!
Dog thread! Look at this goof:
Also this madness:
PUP! what a sweet goof
does that sweetie have an actual STAR on its chest? Or is that just the angle of this photo?
He does, and he is named Tycho after Tycho Brahe!
AAAAAAH that’s amazing.
BEST dog name!
Shelter pups of the week!
I’ll take one of each.
Come to San Francisco, claim them as your own.
(seriously anyone in SF who wants a dog, go to the SFSPCA there are so many amazing ones)
I take the puppies outside for lunch and they both immediately lay down in the warm sun.
We just bought a house! They have a fenced backyard to cavort and nap in but it’s shady and is about to be planted in a shade clover mix, so won’t be up for dog romps for a bit. I think girl dog especially is missing the sunny deck from our rental. Anyone (especially those with tall dogs) have thoughts on x-pen safety?
I made a GIF of my dog (sorry I don’t get embedding so it’s an external link), who I affectionately call lightbulb-head, to prove to my husband that his head really is shaped like a lightbulb. (We also call him wimple-dog, tho his ears aren’t so wimpley in this pic.)
I used to love my job and sometimes I still do and then I realise the only reason my boss’s boss is nice to me is because I get shit done and get backing from faculty and administration so now I have THE POWER. Unfortunately, THE POWER doesn’t come with a pay raise or any sort of authority over my PTE from hell who I don’t supervise and has more power than I do in my own archives and doesn’t think a sugar skull is a food stuff that should not be left on her desk in the stacks without an airtight seal around it.
Also, I went to a conference last week and like 3 people were like “We’re posting a job soon, I’m on the committee and you should apply to escape your hell hole of a job.”
Noooooooo, to the sugar skull part! (I need to eat throughout the workday but I used to work in a rare books library/archives and that is not okay.)
I made her get rid of it by essentially threatening to throw it in the lake. She “didn’t think it counted as food”
Just found out that Molly Ringwald has an advice column. The questions aren’t that interesting, but Molly Ringwald seems really smart and grounded.
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/series/as…
What are some other good advice columns to read?
Ask a Manager, Ask Baba Yaga (on the Hairpin), Ask Bear (on Butter), Ask Polly (she was on Awl, I think she’s on NY Magazine now).
I LOVE ADVICE COLUMNS SO MUCH. TOO MUCH. Recs: Ask Polly for overall best advice column, Captain Awkward for social stuff, Slate’s Dear Prudence for your dose of zany weirdness, and of course I have all of Dear Sugar inscribed in my brain.
The regular commenters on Dear Prudence are a hilarious bunch. (I used to spend a lot of time there, until I had some technical difficulties with the site).
Carolyn Hax
In other news, my spouse seems to think that even though he wants to go to school to BE a therapist that he himself doesn’t have anything he could talk to a therapist about, like, for example, the very early death of his abusive and narcissistic mother, JUST AS AN EXAMPLE.
I’m encouraging but I can’t MAKE him go, but it’s pretty insulting to me that he pushed me to get help for my anxiety but apparently thinks he’s too good for therapy. UGH.
If it’s anything like counselors, then they might be required to have one. I had a friend who was a social worker with young children, and she had to do X hours of counseling for herself for every Y hours she spent with her young clients (as a condition of her employment). Mostly it was to process the stuff she was hearing, but also to work on her own underlying stuff. It’s really the only responsible way.
Right! Exactly! Ugh men.
Yup, very typical for any type of healing-arts type counselor/therapist training to include lots of their own counseling/therapy. He probably can’t really get away with not doing it.
You know, back in ye olden days of hardcore psychoanalysis, it was a REQUIREMENT for prospective analysts to undergo intensive analysis themselves before beginning to practice. It’s not such a hard-line thing anymore, especially as people have branched out into different styles of therapy, but a lot of programs do still recommend it–basically, the idea is that you should a) understand what the process of therapy is like from the client’s perspective, and b) gain more understanding of yourself so that you can better serve your clients (are you sensitive to certain topics? if a client came in with a problem that mirrored something that you’d experienced yourself, could you be objective? what if a client reminded you of someone in your life–would you be able to respond just to them and set aside your own associations?).
ETA: THAT WILL TEACH ME TO POST A COMMENT WITHOUT REFRESHING THE PAGE.
MANY therapists have their own therapists! I think the most successful therapists are the ones who believe ANYONE can get something out of therapy. You don’t have to have depression, narcissism, whatever in your life, sometimes it’s just helpful to talk with a third party about decision making or motivation or envy or whatever. Could you help your husband phrase it so that therapy isn’t just for people with problems?
Just adding in my two cents that in all programs I am familiar with, like it or not, your spouse will have to do therapy to be a therapist, so he’ll just have to get over that. 🙂
What! Thinking of anyone as ‘too good’ for therapy is not a great starting point for someone who wants to be a therapist. I’m studying psychotherapy at the moment and we are required to be in therapy throughout. I’m talking, 5+ years. It’s meant to be for our own wellbeing, so we have a venting point for the stresses and emotional overload of training and talking to clients. Plus, a good therapist should be VERY familiar with his or her own skeletons, so that their reactions to clients make more sense to them. If you know what I mean. If he won’t go for his wellbeing, tell him to get his butt to a therapist for the sake of his career at least!
I find it really odd that someone whose job it is to relate to a client talking to them wouldn’t give therapy a whirl…at the very least to have some idea what it’s like to be on the other side of the chair?
I feel like doing it as a course requirement is somehow different for him than his partner saying “dude you need to talk this stuff through with a professional.” We are going to talk about this again though, especially before we make a bunch of life-altering decisions. It’s so frustrating though. I wish he could hear how he sounds!
Okay, this is a very late comment, but having your spouse say “you seriously need therapy” is a way more real (and thus more educational) therapy situation than having to see someone for a course requirement. As in, that’s how many of his future patients get in the chair, so it would teach him way more about what being in therapy is actually like for most people. He’d get a real sense of the power imbalance, the reluctance, the hopefulness, the fear of being “found out” etc.
/psych student, in school to become a therapist
Class is out early, Toasties. I live! And I read a metric fuckton this week, especially a very Toasty collection of poetry called “Edward The Dyke, And Other Poems.” It’s indescribable.
What are you reading?
I’m reading An Unsuitable Job for a Woman by PD James and I am bloody loving it. It’s my first book by her and I feel crap that I haven’t read any before now. If anyone is a PD James fan and has the next title I should try, let me know!
Slowly working my way through the advanced copy of the 3rd of Jane Smiley’s 100 year trilogy, Golden Age. While I’ve loved all of the books, the 2nd and this one are taking me FOREVER because it takes me 1/3 of the book to remember/ keep straight who everyone is! Also, this one is in ebook copy so I can’t go back and reference the Family Tree page because my Kindle is Sooper Old. Rant.
Between the World and Me has been waiting on my night stand so that is up next and will be a very nice change of pace compared to this. OOO! But I finished Lagoon by Nnedi Okorafor recently and cannot rec it enough!
Also, is there a DC Toastie group on Facebook/other social media, and if so, can someone connect me with it? Thanks!
I don’t have an answer for this, just wanted to second the question 🙂
Also relevant to my interests !
There is a google group and an email list. I’m not sure exactly who is in charge or who you need to email to get in on it, but it does exist. It’s [email protected].
Wish I could be of more help
There is a DC Hairpinners FB group out there that is Toast-friendly for obvious reasons: https://www.facebook.com/groups/dchairpin/
Hey Toasties, so, I was looking for some possible advice on how to help ‘convince’ my younger sister to move out on her own (or if instead I should just not bother?).
Younger sister (YS) is about to turn 28. Aside from a brief stint where she lived with a boyfriend for a year (his parents paid a year’s rent on his apartment), she has always lived at home. She moved with my parents when they sold our house and got a two bedroom apartment, moved out for that one brief (glorious, in their opinion) year, then moved back home “temporarily” and has been there since (4-5+ years now I think). She has a steady job (she’s worked there a few+ years) that pays relatively well (it’s retail, but she’s a manager so she makes a good hourly rate and gets well over 40 hours a week), and a car of her own, and since she pays no bills (except her cell phone), she has a very good chunk of savings (I know this because she once casually and ‘offhandedly’ mentioned how much was in it to me, which made me feel that nice combo of shocked/annoyed/jealous because that was a couple years ago and I couldn’t even afford to HAVE a savings account).
My parents want their apartment to themselves (I know they do because they’ve told me many many times when she wasn’t around), but seem to have no desire to push her to move out, let alone to try and charge her rent, bills, etc. (And okay, admittedly this is frustrating to me, because when I was 19 I got told ‘hey we’re selling the house and getting a two bedroom apartment, so you can either move out, or share a room with YS, leading me to move out and into a tiny apt in a bad neighborhood with a boyfriend of 3 months, who I later married because I thought I should??, leading to years of surviving on retail jobs and food stamps and borrowing money, until I finally got divorced, after which I CONTINUED to live on my own, blah blah whine whine.) Anyway, lots of rambling, but basically I just feel like at this stage she should be moving out onto her own, and I guess a lot of that is rooted in how frustrating it is to me, to see her buying endless expensive purses and clothes, and “showing me up” with $100+ Christmas gifts, and trying to give me financial advice about savings accounts and buying a car (“don’t ever buy use a loan to buy a car, car payments are a bad idea!” “yeah well that’s easier to say when you literally pay no bills!!”), and asking me to help “chip in” on things that she knows I can’t afford because I live on my own and while I have a steady salary job and a savings account now, I pay rent and a ton of bills and don’t have oodles of excess money, etc etc etc.
And now I’m just ranting, when that isn’t (entirely) what I planned to do, so, tldr: Any suggestions on what I should do, or advice for helping convince my sister to try and move out onto her own, or perhaps convincing my parents to try and push her to move out? I’ve tried briefly to mention it to her here and there, but she inevitably makes excuses about how all her friends have places so she can’t share, and she “doesn’t make enough money” (she does, but if she had to pay real bills she wouldn’t be able to buy all the endless new clothes/shoes/purses she likes so much)?
Or should I just bite my tongue, and continue inwardly being annoyed and ranting to my friends and just keep out of it?
Your sister is being utterly obnoxious about the financial stuff with you, and that SUCKS. I’m sorry you have to put up with that – and I hope you feel proud of your ability to pull off financial independence! Yay for financial independence!
But sadly, if your parents don’t want to kick her out, there’s probably not much to be done about it.
Yeah, she has a tendency to say what’s on her mind which is sometimes funny, but in other cases very irritating. Anything to do with money coming from her always drives me up a wall.
Ooof, that’s a tough one. What if your parents started charging her rent? That would be a good experience for her.
I’ve suggested it to them, they always just kind of make excuses. I guess there’s not much I can do to force them, haha.
It sounds like trying to convince her to move out would drag you into all these icky frustrating feelings even more…I would say keep out of it, but think of it less as “Biting my tongue, minding my own business” than “I’m freeing myself from worrying about their business.” If you convince her to move/your parents to kick her out, will it be worth spending THAT MUCH MORE time having that awful sanity-wrecking conversation?
ETA: I guess it would come down to: is there some practical family finances reason, that affects you, for which she needs to move out? Like, are you afraid she’ll end up with no safety net and rely on you? Ok, in that case, it’s going to suck but you’d better hash it out with them. But if you’re just mad that she’s getting away with this stuff and being a jerk about it? Embrace the giving of no fucks!
Mhm, and since I have social anxiety the idea of going through that confrontation is just as stressful as dealing with her, tbh.
No, it’s not, it’s more the aforementioned irritation and annoyance and also, of course, the general sisterly worry about how her being coddled like this is making her incapable of dealing with the “real world”, and how the longer it goes on the less likely it is she’s ever gonna be able to move out and survive on her own.
(And okay, a good dash of jealousy that she’s never had to suffer through crappy apartments and creepy neighbors and food stamps and barely eeking by, etc etc.)
yeah, I have no idea how to turn down that totally justified annoyance & worry…but if you can file Sister’s Money Issues away under Not My Job, go for it!
Two different issues here: one is the sister/parents configuration, and the other is the sister/you configuration.
For sister/parents, all you can really do is check in with them once again and ask them if they want to make any changes to their arrangement, and what what those arrangements might be. If they can point to specific things (rent, groceries, her moving out, etc), let them know you’re an ally and anything you can do to help move those things along, you’ll happily do.
For your sister/you: set some boundaries! Tell her that financial talk is off-limits. If you’re close enough, share some of the frustrations you have with having many bills and limited financial support, and how tough it is to watch her go through life without those same challenges. But if you’re not that close, you can still definitely be like, “I do not want to talk about car payments, Christmas presents, or finances in general with you, (since your advice is coming from a context that I don’t currently have.)”
Good luck. $$ feelings are not easy.
I agree that while you may not be able to get involved in the stuff between your sister and your parents, it would be a good idea to try to curtail the financial talk/advice from your sister to you. You can be blunt or polite depending on your relationship, but when she asks you to chip in on expensive things I’d say feel free to go “nope, can’t, some of us have to pay bills/rent/etc” until she hopefully gets the idea.
Thankfully the chipping in thing hasn’t happened too recently, but I will try and keep that in mind if it does again. (Two years or so ago she tried to convince me to throw a big anniversary party for my parents, that’s when I got the whole “well I’ve got $3000 in savings, so!” And I just shook my head.)
Thanks for the suggestions. I do think you’re right, and I think cutting her off on the financial convos is the best bet. It’s just hard because I have confrontation anxiety issues, and she’s always been the louder/more outspoken one who tends to talk over me, so I have to push myself to set boundaries, and even when I do she doesn’t always follow them. (She’s endearingly defensive of my boundaries with my parents, like, she will remind them about my anxiety issues and not to push me, but then push me herself?)
Be ready to walk away. When she starts the money talk, tell her to stop. Wait a few seconds and leave if she’s still on about money. Think through that scenario. Keep your belongings with you, your keys in your hand, if you need to.
It might be helpful to reframe this as, not a confrontation, but just a readjustment of your conversational boundaries. Like, if your cousin asked how much your take-home pay was, you’d like, like *arched eyebrow* “Excuse me?”
As an older sister who’s younger sister is in a much better financial situation than myself, I have so much sympathy for you. Can you decide that financial topics are just verboten between you two? Shut down any advice she starts giving as soon as you can? And the same with your parents – if they won’t do anything to change the situation, you don’t want to hear them complain about it? It doesn’t actually help either situation, but it at least keeps it from being such an acute thing for you.
And of course we’re always here for you to rant with 🙂
That’s what I’m gonna try, I think, if I can get up the nerve to do it. I have been a bit better with my parents about it, you know, when they rant I pull out the “well, if you’d push her to move out” card, lol. I think it’s working more lately but who knows.
Thank you! Ranting does help. I feel less frustrated in anticipation of dinner with her tonight, haha.
Perhaps a more charitable explanation for your parents’ actions is that they realize pushing you out that way hurt you, and they don’t want to make the same mistake twice?
Maybe. It’s hard to think of it that way because they’ve never acted like the way they pushed me out was a bad thing. We don’t really talk about it.
Your parents may also be getting into a “unmarried daughter will live at home and take care of us” mindset. You should probably stay out of the whole minefield…
This is a Very depressing take on it, but at some point your parents will need some kind of living assistance, and care is more expensive than you can even imagine, and if your sister paid them rent now it will help you both later. Because when their money runs out, you two will be paying, and if your sister doesn’t learn prudence somehow, it will be really hard for her to come up with the cash for home nursing. And if she pays them now, they will have that plus (x) years interest in their own savings. I wouldn’t bring that line up with your parents but you might corner her with it. Good luck.
Or alternatively, if she’s living at home, it’s going to be her responsibility to take care of them.
Yeah, in my family the children who live with their parents as adults long-term take point on their care when that becomes necessary. Which works fine as long as it’s expected by everyone involved.
They’re young enough now that it’s not as relevant, but yeah, I guess it will be if she sticks around another 10-20 years.
(Although despite her living there, I’m still the “responsible” one in their opinion, thankfully, so I’m the one who would have power of attorney, etc, according to their will, of course.)
No need for quotes around that, you ARE the responsible one because you live on your own and pay bills and are an adult.
So many people have said such good things!!!!
It was rational for your parents to try to (gently) push you out, because that’s what parents are supposed to do. It was right for you to try to make things work out with you not living with them, because that’s what young adults are supposed to do. It didn’t work out perfectly, but it’s completely understandable.
It’s rational for your sister to continue living in a place that’s comfortable and rent free so she can put money into savings. It’s rational for your parents to like having her around and not want to push her into a not-great-place, sort of overcorrecting for what happened with you.
It’s rational for you to feel sort of resentful about your sister (maybe?) getting a better deal than you did, and then maybe even feeling annoyed at yourself for feeling resentful.
Everyone here is 100% acting in ways that make sense in a “today and tomorrow” sort of sense. But you’re looking at the big picture, saying “is this REALLY working???” and yeah, it sounds like maybe it’s not the best thing long term for anyone here.
So, you either convince someone else that, long term, it’s not a great plan, and to make a new plan to get from the comfortable now into a better future (ie, convince your parents to tell her that starting in 6 months, they’re going to start charging rent. hell, even if they put that money aside into a rainy day fund FOR HER that they never tell her about just in case doing this puts her in a bad place, even if they don’t charge her a fair market value for her room, it might be what she needs)——– OR, if your sister and parents disagree with you, that they all think that this is a GREAT long term plan, because then once they start not being able to do things your sister will pick up the slack, etc etc…. back off. You’ve said your piece, they don’t agree, they might be wrong but you’re only going to hurt the relationships if you try to force your reality on them. They’ll eventually come around to your way of thinking or they won’t. Only so much you can do about it.
You’re right, it is all (on some level) pretty rational in individual pieces. But it starts to build I think because they weren’t so “gentle” about pushing me out and sure, I’m great NOW, but then I was a 19 year old with a part time job at Target, living with a boyfriend I was mostly with because it was “expected” and it was rough for quite a few years, and I guess I can’t help feeling frustrated especially when it comes to my sister because what I went through was so comparatively tough, idk. I got carried away just then. What I meant to say is yeah I think you’re right, on the short term it makes sense, but this has been going on so long with no end in sight that it’s not so much healthy at all anymore.
I think I will try, though, if it comes up again to mention the idea of charging rent, etc, and if that continues to not work I will try to just back off and stop letting it frustrate me so much.
Oh, don’t get me wrong, it’s SUPER frustrating, and probably not just for you. And as a younger sib with older sibs that got a raw deal, I am still pretty frustrated at the fact that they didn’t get the same opportunities that I did, that they didn’t get the support they deserved, although it’s not like they’d be any better off if I hadn’t gone to a private college, so it wouldn’t have been productive for me to refuse that opportunity just because it wasn’t offered to them. Feel your feels, shake your angry fist, draw your boundaries, maybe give yourself permission to back away a little bit from their dysfunctional situation.
It’s just that, at a certain point, lecturing them about the bad decisions they’re making will be counterproductive. At some point, no matter how right you are, trying to convince them of that will only make them dig in further. So do what you can to push them to be healthier, but at some point…. cut your losses, take care of yourself, because at some point, doing that is better for both you AND them, AND more likely to get you what you want than fighting for it.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy. Sometimes it’s harder, especially at first, to see people we love do dumb things and not tell them. so, i mean, lots of hugs at this total bullshit you’re dealing with!!!
I definitely agree on all the comments about older siblings getting treated different than younger (it always burned me up that the older ones in my family were required to jobs during high school and college and were expected to pay for college ourselves as much as possible, but my younger siblings didn’t have to work because that would “affect their grades and we don’t want that”). And I have a cousin who is in a similar situation, she has never lived outside the home and she is now in her later 30s. She has often complained to me that she could never afford an apartment, which I’ve had to bite my tongue about since I was usually making less than her, and being completely independent and self-sufficient. On the other hand though, both of her parents a few years ago had major health crises, and both have continued to have lingering mobility issues. Her brother lives across the country, and so without my cousin there, aunt and uncle would have had to get outside home health care. So in that sense, her living at home is turned out to be a great asset for her parents.
(Of course, then that goes into another discussion about women being forced into the role of caregiver of aging parents and emotional labor and all of that.)
I am the oldest sister, and I empathize with you.
These living arrangements are between your parents and your sister. It sounds like all three of them are adults. Only they can effect changes in their current dynamic. Any attempt you make to enforce your will/opinion on the situation will end badly for you.
What you can do is establish/enforce boundaries with your sister about financial matters – how much idle financial talk you’re willing to engage in, whether you want her financial advice, whether you want to “chip in” on gifts, etc. I know, easier said than done. Good luck.
That sucks and you are soooo justifiably annoyed. Based on years of reading Carolyn Hax, though, maybe a less infuriating way to look at it is that your sister, while she may be saving money, is not learning how to support herself or be independent as long as she lives with your parents. You learned it years ago. I don’t think your parents are doing her a favor by allowing her to rely/use them like this. As an independent person, I think you’re in a better position than she is.
You can’t force any changes between your sister and your parents (in terms of them asking her to move out, to pay rent, etc.) Yes, it’s unfair that they’re treating their kids so differently, but I think you have to let that part of it go and accept that that’s between the three of them. You also can’t control the amounts she spends on presents, etc.
You ARE well within your rights, however, to ask her to stop giving *you* annoying financial advice (or asking you to contribute to things you can’t afford).
I would suggest telling her that your financial arrangements are your own business, that you don’t want to hear any more advice from her (since your financial situations are quite dissimilar), and that you don’t want to discuss it again. And stick to it– if it comes up in conversations, you change the subject or just leave/ hang up the phone if she won’t drop it. Similarly, in terms of your future spending, I’d just tell her that you have a budget you need to stick to, that you can’t afford (X), and, again, you don’t want any advice or arguments about it. Hopefully, she’ll get the message.
I would imagine that, at some point in the future, your sister’s situation will change and she’ll have to learn some hard lessons about budgeting, etc. (I’ve seen this happen in other families). So, even though you’re in a tighter spot right now financially, you can maybe console yourself that you’ll be in a much better position in the long run.
Also, if your parents have some expectation that YOU will be helping her financially in the future, I’d nip that in the bud right now. (See: many letters to “Dear Prudence”).
just here to echo what everyone else has said and chime in with my own story, in case you’re interested.
in my case, I’m the youngest sibling, but it was my older 2 siblings that were allowed to live at home well into their 20s without contributing to rent/utilities, often without even having a job of their own but depending entirely on my mother.
my mom confided in me that she wanted these siblings to leave, but felt too guilty to ask them to. she would ask me, “does that make me a bad mother?” what was sad about all this was that my mom was doing it because she wanted to care for these siblings as best she could, but by allowing them to live off of her for so long rather than encouraging them to move out, she was essentially conveying to them that she doubted that they could make it on their own, which is a really harmful message to send to your kids. when they eventually did move out, it was notably more difficult for them to learn to stand on their own 2 legs than it was for me (I haven’t lived at home since 18). these things are so tied up in insecurity/anxiety/self-efficacy, I think it’s rarely just plain laziness. the more years you’ve gone on without ever being independent, the less sure you are of your ability to do so; you can come up with all sorts of reasons why it’s supposedly just not doable for you. sadly, nobody else can convince you that you’re capable — you have to see it for yourself by doing it.
one of these siblings still resents having been kicked out, and struggles a lot with being independent. the other sibling thinks being kicked out was the best thing that happened to him, and is financially independent now, but still in denial about how much preferential treatment he received, and well, I’m not going to argue with him about it at this point.
I think without my gentle nudging & reassuring my mom that kicking them out actually WAS the most caring and loving thing to do for her children, she would have waited who knows how long. it only worked because she had already confided in me that the reason she didn’t kick them out was guilt, and she was at a sort of breaking point because my siblings were sucking her dry and she was going broke.
hopefully some day things with your sister will change, for everyone’s sake. I totally empathize with how frustrating it is. & in the meantime I agree with the advice others have already written.
FALLEN LONDON THREAD! What is everyone up to? I am still trying to get enough money to buy an Overgoat of my very own. Beyond that, I don’t know what I’m going to focus my efforts on.
I really enjoyed the September Exceptional Friends storyline, and I am glad they’re revamping Connections and splitting it into Connections and Favours. It never made sense to me that if I gained something from a certain faction, my level of Connected would go down – surely doing someone a favour doesn’t make you forget your relationship with them. It was a bit jarring to get a non-discardable card making me choose between Criminals and Constables – I went with the Criminals, of course – but I didn’t lose as much Connected: Constables as I had feared; I thought it would completely sever our ties but I just lost a couple of levels.
I am saving up for a few things. I too would like an overgoat someday. I also need to figure out how to best get an item needed so I can purchase a 5 card lodging upgrade. It looks like my options are selling the location of the Cave of the Nadir or saving up 3200 certifiable scrap.
I’m also finally going to make my way to Flute street.
I’m saving up my certifiable scraps too. I have 494 right now, so it’s going to take forever.
Do you have a Sulky Bat?
I don’t! Should I get one?
Yes, it has an opportunity card where you have even odds of getting 3 scraps or increasing your Connected: Great Game (which you can of course cash in, though not for scraps).
Take note, delicious friends: the intro storylet to this month’s Exceptional Friends story, the one that anyone can play, can provide you with a Mirrorcatch Box, which used to be a very rare thing! If you play Knife & Candle it’s handy, and if not it’s a neat thing.
Also, I have purchased Hesperidean Cider and am giving out sips; here’s the details.
I bought and used some, and kept like, 6 just in case.
Also note that the Connected: Society card now has a new option allowing you to buy boxes of sunlight from Meridian House for 100 Moon-Pearls if you’ve completed the September EF story!
Apparently it’s Society or Criminals depending on how you ended the story! I’ve achieved or seen all the content the Sun-Stamped Mirrorcatch Boxes unlock, so far, so I don’t particularly need them, but it’s good to know the option is available.
(The Sun-Stamped versions turn into regular Mirrorcatch Boxes if you look in them, which also unlocks snippets of visions across London.)
I am doing a REALLY EXCITING part of my Ambition at the moment. It’s taking a long time — partly because of my resistance to looking up spoilers; it involves going through many secret doors and I haven’t collected the stuff I need to open them in advance, so I’m spending extra time going back and forth — but it’s very very high-drama and thrilling.
I also dealt with the Big Rat this week! I am rarely affected by the horror-y parts of Fallen London, but there was something about the Big Rat that icked me right out and I’m glad to be done with him.
I just got to the end of the line in my ambition (for now), which involved spending a lot of expensive items and nothing happening, so it was kind of anti-climactic. Of course, it sounds like the next thing I’ll have to do is exciting (whenever it gets implemented).
My alt finally became a Murderer and now has Use of Villains up the wazoo, it’s excellent. My main just got back into the University but is more interested in getting her shadowy up so she can carry on with Heart’s Desire.
Fallen London IRL: my bestie who also plays and I have been invited to a steampunk-themed gala next month and we’ll be dressing up as our characters, so excite!
Really liked the September EF story. Didn’t see the twist coming!
I finally found an apartment! It’s in a really cool historic building, and the only reason I was able to afford it is that it’s not in the best shape. But I have a serious home improvement streak that I’m finally going to be able to implement on a large scale. Landlord seems pleased that I’m willing to do some updates myself. Yesterday I went to the hardware store and bought a bunch of nasty solvents and sealants and protective gear. Held my own while discussing the merits of various paint strippers with the store employee and felt like a boss. This weekend is gonna get gross and sweaty but I’m really excited.
Congrats! My partner and I just moved into a rather, um, “historic” place, and we are in the middle of trying to make things nice. It’s a lot of work but constantly picturing the end result makes it easy to keep on truckin’.
Mmmm paint strippers! I stripped 50-year-old lacquer off a dresser I inherited from my grandmother, and it was the most disgusting and satisfying job I’d ever done.
That sounds great! I also love historic buildings. Sounds very well worth it.
I was lucky to find some landlords in the past who let me do basically whatever I wanted, and it worked out really well. (They got some upgraded bathroom fixtures out of the deal, and I learned some life skills like how to strip paint off a radiator).
HEY TOASTS, LONG TIME NO SEE *waves*
Do you like nostalgia? Do you feel like nostalgia sites on the internet don’t fairly represent what you know and love, because you had “girl” toys growing up?
I do! Which is why I decided to give my blog a makeover and start blogging about girly nostalgia! Please, if you are so inclined, visit Tattooed Trilobite and take a peek! …though all I have posted about thus far are the new Do Me A Flavor chips.
I love this and I cannot wait to read this blog!
Um, yes! I’m down for nostalgia AND Flavor chips. Bring it.
So I have been thinking a lot about the article on here about emotional labor by Jess Zimmerman, which I really liked when I first read it, and I was reading some of the metafilter comments as well, and trying to relate it to my experience with my boyfriend.
He is awesome in many ways, but in terms of having time where we are physically or emotionally intimate, I feel like I do the vast majority of the initiating. If I come to him with a problem, or I’m sad, or frustrated, he’s totally there for me and listens and does whatever I need. But sometimes what I need is just for him to demonstrate that he wants me, that he likes me. It is of course a bit of a catch-22 because if I tell him that’s what I want, then he’ll do it, but what I want is for him to initiate…etc.
Up to now I’ve just been dealing with this as a situation of, “If you don’t ask for what you want, then you won’t get it”, but now I’m trying to see it through the lens of emotional labor: it feels like I am putting more effort into initiating that kind of contact and time and togetherness than he is. And it kind of wears me out.
I would love to hear other people’s perspective on this, because I can’t tell if this is just me shifting responsibility to him when it doesn’t belong there, or if I may be on to something.
I broke up with someone recently over a similar dynamic. I believe that there are things that I shouldn’t have to ask for but that a thoughtful partner should do. He should not make other plans for the night before I’m leaving town for a month. He should offer to pick me up from the doctor after surgery. And if I have to ask for them, I will be disappointed. I get that it might be expecting too much from a certain person – but that just means he’s not the person for me.
Sounds like you made a good if hard decision. The kinds of things you describe are a level of unconsiderateness that I would also take issue with. I hope that you do find a person who is willing and able to do those things and who you can have a good partnership with.
I too have dumped dudes because they were totally incapable of initiating/doing any of the emotional labor. It really wears on the soul. Not only did it make me feel tired and unloved, but it made me feel like I was becoming unlovable–some harpy nag constantly asking and reminding someone to actually participate in the relationship. It’s no way to be, and you’re not “shifting responsibility” where it doesn’t belong to ask that he participate in the feelings work without being prompted every time.
It’s tough though, because even in relationships that were much healthier, the split has never been even. 60-40 is better than 90-10, but it’s still isn’t ideal. I struggle with this now–I know, at least in terms of logic, that it’s safe and productive to say what I need to happen to my partner, but I still feel the ghost of the harpy nag. Less so, though, as time passes–because my partner is pretty game to listen to me.
I’m glad that your partner listens! I get what you mean about the 60-40 still not being ideal. Sometimes I feel like I almost can’t tell what it really is: it feels like 80-20, but it may be more like 60-40.
I’m looking at this from the perspective of love languages. If you tell him “one of the ways I best hear that you love me is if you initiate things, like (a, b, c). Do you think you would be able to initiate those things more often?”. He’s still in charge of doing it, of taking the information about what you want/like/prefer and actually doing it, but you’ve given him enough information for him to be able to do so effectively. If that works, it’s GREAT. Because you can’t really expect him to be a mind reader, and the ways you best feel loved may not be natural to him, they may be things he needs to work on to get good at. So yeah, giving him some coaching and time and space and resources to get good at this particular emotional work, this particular way to make you feel loved , may be a worthwhile investment. (you can also use this as an opportunity to ask him what sort of things make HIM feel most loved, because maybe there are things that you don’t realize are as important to him as they are.)
But if he’s not willing or able, if he’s not interested in doing that work, if he’s not meeting you somewhere in the middle, if you have to have this conversation every two months and nothing REALLY changes, then you’ve got a problem. And then you have to decide if what he’s able to offer– that level of emotional work, expressing his love in some ways but not others– is something you’re okay with.
that is excellent advice.
It’s good advice. But here’s the tricky thing about it, from my perspective: management IS labour. And while I don’t have a problem expressing my feelings and asking for what I need from my partner, sometimes what I REALLY need is to not have to fucking manage everything. I try to think about my partner’s love languages and meet them. And then I also have to think about my own, and then talk about them, and then follow-up, etc? That’s work. That’s twice the work.
Sometimes, in my relationship, I feel like I have to manage everything. And it’s totally gendered. I have to ask my partner to participate in the housework. I am the person who thinks about the housework. I have to manage our social calendar, or things fall apart. I have to ask him to initiate sex. I have to initiate sex. I have to initiate conversations about how all of that feels.
(I want to say, as a caveat, that this is how I feel about things on the worst days, and it 100% is not totally true. There are lots of things he does without me asking, and there are lots of things he takes care of, and he is present in lots of ways. But it’s definitely true that I do way more of the work, both practically (unloading the dishwasher), managerially (making a plan for how the dishwasher is going to be unloaded in relation to the other necessary tasks of life and ensuring it happens), and emotionally (thinking about how the dishwasher plan and the execution feel emotionally, and making sure that any problems are dealt with)).
It’s funny, because my partner is actually a manager, professionally. And so I try to put it in those terms. Hey, pal, you get paid to do this stuff at work. It’s work. It stresses you out there. So there is 100% no way that it’s ok that all of this stuff is my job at home.
He once made the terrible mistake of telling me that I was a “superhero” which is why I can (read: should) do so much more than him. That definitely resulted in me yelling the words “FUCKING SEXIST” at him.
We relate to this so much.
I really do not know why it is that most of the male people I know think work just kind of spontaneously happens and it does not need to fit into other work and if they are unloading the dishwasher at 7:30am while we are trying to make breakfast for two kids and pack lunch for one kid, then why are we upset because after all they are Unloading The Dishwasher! It is just so …. argh. And it cannot be genetic because our male housemate has a total work-management brain about all of this stuff and carefully fits his chores into the best time slots etc etc. So there is just no excuse.
Yes!!!!!! There is a big difference between starting one conversation about making everyone feel loved, and starting ALL the conversations about making everyone feel loved. Between everyone asking for what they need when appropriate, and one person having to manage what they need AND what their partner needs. Between doing most of the emotional work at first while helping a partner become better at it, and always doing most of the emotional work.
Some people are willing to do the majority of the emotional work on a permanent basis. Some people are willing to do certain emotional tasks but not others, or are willing to do so for a time as long as the partner is working on picking up slack. Some people aren’t very good at it, but willing to learn. Some people just aren’t going to do certain emotional work tasks, for whatever reason. Now, a lot of that is gendered, but not always. Some of it is temperament, some it is commitment, some of it is bandwidth, some of it is the way a brain is wired. And, of course, those things intersect and overlap and there are arrows all over the place— a particular guy may not want to do as much emotional work as his stay-at-home-wife because he doesn’t feel like he has the emotional bandwidth to do it because he has a stressful job, and he might have that stressful job rather than her because of gendered expectations about who’s the breadwinner and who takes care of the kids.
There aren’t right answers, or good people and bad people. If a person wants to do no more than X hours of emotional work per week, and they can find a lifestyle that supports that where their job and friends and family and any partner(s) are all happy with the balance, that’s fine, regardless of whether X is a big number or a small number, regardless of whether particular relationships are 50/50.
But too often women are doing more emotional work than they’d prefer to do, and their partners aren’t willing to step up, AND don’t fully appreciate what their partner does as REAL work, AND don’t appreciate that it’s not some sort of magic knowledge that shows up the day you get your period, that it’s a skill you nurture and develop over years of practice and THAT’S work TOO, and then the fact that you have to do all this stuff you don’t especially want to do AND you’re not even getting credit for it makes you not want to do it EVEN MORE……………..
I think i had a point (other than “i hear you”)…. perhaps it was this— balance is important. willingness is important. appreciation is important. not being taken for granted is important. asking is still work. if you need more balance with a particular piece of emotional work, ask for it. if you need more balance with emotional work in general, ask for it. And if you have to keep asking and you aren’t getting, that’s not cool.
Yes! I think that is what I was trying to express, that asking is still work. cosetthetable and robotneedslove you are right on about this. I am a fan of the love languages stuff and I think it does help to explain differences to a degree. Ditto Meyers Briggs. But the emotional labor things put a new light on it: it’s not just that I’m inherently better at these things, or more sensitive to certain things, so therefore I should talk about them and ask for them. It’s that me being aware of these differences, and me stepping up and asking him to do X or change X, that awareness and that asking is in itself emotional work.
You are on to something, because your needs are your needs, it is not about fairness or responsibility, I don’t think. If you need a partner who actively demonstrates that they are thinking about you, or wants to be close, or whatever it is, then that is what it is. I think it is fine to tell him that and even to support him in figuring out how he can give it to you — and if he can’t then it is not a good fit. But I think people can learn to be sensitive to their partners needs.
As a system a lot of us get caught in that catch-22 a lot of ‘I get what I ask for but it is exhausting always to ask but there is something wrong with me for not wanting to ask…’ and we have finally just these last few weeks landed in the place of: we need what we need, and if what we need is to not always have to ask, then that is it.
There was an article we saw a few months ago in the Atlantic? Maybe? Called something like ‘Masters of Love’ which talked about thoughtfulness for your partner (like doing little nice things for them proactively) being one of the things correlated with really long-lasting relationships, so you might go take a peek at that? We asked our partner to read it and he did and things got better on that front for a bit.
And finally, what cosetthetable said below about love languages is also another great way to approach it — different people get their needs met in different ways, and partnership is about that too.
Thanks for this! I really like the part about, “if what we need is to not always have to ask, then that is it.”
Thank you to everyone for the thoughtful and considerate responses. Thanks for the work you put into them, if that’s not too on-the-nose.
speaking of Rose City, that is where I will be going, in two weeks, for a long weekend!
Toasties, I’ll be in downtown Portland for 3 days, what should I dooo? (so far the plan is Powells and Rose Test Garden and also I am a fan of beer and food and everything else that is wonderful in this world)
Do you like silly fancy-shmancy food markets? If so, go to one of the Elephants Deli locations (my favorite is the one on NW 22nd, because I used to live nearby) and get lunch!
i greatly enjoy silly fancy-scmancy food markets, i will definitely grab a lunch there.
I hearted Portland SO HARD. Favorite things- food carts, waterfalls (some of the smaller ones are WAY less crowded and thus more enjoyable than multnomah falls, SOCK DREAMS, Townshend’s tea. Also went to Pok Pok (next time I’d go to the one that does noodles rather than the original one), Voodoo (i’ve heard blue star is better, but, seriously, sometimes the tourist experience is actually what i WANT) Powells, and Pencil Test (really great bra store). Although, honestly, my favorite was the waterfalls, when I go back i will SO be doing that again, and I’m not even an especially outdoorsy person normally.
waaait, does Sock Dreams brickandmortar store live in Portland?
i’ve been considering pokpok, but is it super popular crowded?
and i am a hiking type person, so considering doing a hike from Wahkeena Falls to Multnomah on a 5 mile loop (you go past like 6 awesome waterfalls, apparently) or maybe i won’t be that ambitious once i get there?
YES. REAL STORE. uh, i can’t actually get to instagram while at work, but per my twitter account i think my pic from there is here.
I went to Pok Pok at an off time, so we got seated right away, but the dishes were super small, and expensive, and there were only two of us, so we didn’t order well– that sort of thing works better when there are a bunch of people so that even if something isn’t really your thing, someone else will probably like it and you get to try a bunch of different things. It was tasty, and fun, and a cool location, and I’m glad I went, but I probably would have enjoyed the food more at the other location (sen yai noodles).
I did small chunks of that hike (park, hike from road to falls, maybe a bit more, hike back to road, drive to next falls, repeat) and it was soooooooo preeeeeeetty. But skipped Multnomah entirely because there was NO PARKING and it was a ZOO. So even if you don’t do the full 5 miles, you’ll probably really enjoy it!!!!
those frog socks!
also, um, you take awesome photos, mind if I follow you?
D’awwww!!!! of course you can follow me! I’ve been bad about posting recently, and the next several weeks aren’t looking good either, but I hope to get back into the swing of things soon, and I just got a new phone with a better camera so I’m looking forward to it!!
sweet!
Oneonta Falls is my favorite. It’s just a little 1/4? 1/2? mile walk up a gorge and then there’s the falls and a swimming hole.
thanks 🙂
i have a feeling, looking at pictures online, that more than 1 portland area waterfall visit should be in my future…that whole Columbia River Gorge area looks amazing.
Eat at Bijoux Cafe downtown because it is incredibly delicious.
Go to the Classical Chinese Garden.
Go to the Bridgeport Ale House on Hawthorne (not the one downtown — yes I know you said you would be downtown but there is cheap/free public transit IIRC!) and drink delicious beer and then wander down the street and go to the place that has authentic coney island hot dogs (if it is still there) and look at the vintage shops and stop in at the Powell’s home & garden store (which has amazing old cookbooks and other things) and then if you like long walks go up to Mt. Tabor park which has resevoirs on top of an extinct? volcano.
I envy you with the heat of ten thousand suns, I love Portland and have not been there in like 3 or 4 years because kids are so expensive to travel with!
I am so very very excited. I’m turning 30 this next month, and my fantastic boyfriend said “let’s go away to mark this, where do you want to go?” and Expedia tickets were cheap to PDX and I have always always wanted to go there and i really like the little bits i’ve seen of the PNW.
your Hawthorne plan sounds delightful, plus i want to cross the river anyway to get to Off the Waffle (had a transcendant waffle experience at the one in Eugene a few years ago). I don’t think i can get too much Powells.
I hope it is a super fantastic time! Hawthorne & 39th is a really great neighbourhood, it is where I want to live if we ever manage to move to Portland, and pretty much every single thing in that area is just wonderful. I love downtown too — the rose garden is great. Check the chinese garden’s calendar before you go, they do some nighttime things like Tea! in the garden! with poetry! and stuff.
Is that the same weekend as Art in the Pearl? Outdoor art/craft festival, if that’s your jam. I am thinking of driving down from Seattle area to see how I feel about not being juried into the show (relieved or sad). I got on the wait list so I might get in next year!
Anyway, there’s at least one ceramic artist whose work I love and I think I know a couple other people there who have really nice stuff.
no, i’ll be missing that by a week, but that seriously looks awesome, and that kind of stuff is very much my jam.
what kind of work did you submit? i’d say go, the chance to be surrounded by creative things is always worth it.
I do 2d mixed media. I haven’t been doing larger art festivals very long but I really like talking to people! And this one is less of a drive than some so I hope I will get a chance to do it. My portfolio is linked on my profile thingy if you want to peek.
those are really cool! i like the geometric elements
Tasty and Alder (better than Tasty and Sons IMO), Japanese and Chinese gardens, Deschutes for burgers and beer (actually all kinds of places for beer: there is great beer everywhere), schnitzelwich at the Czech cart at NW 5th and Stark, the big insane farmer’s market down by PSU. All that is downtown and walkable.
Across the river: Kachka for Russian food, Tanuki for perfect izakaya snacks with weird Japanese films, the strips on Williams and Mississippi and Hawthorne and Division (that is four different neighborhoods, all good) for strolling and noshing, the Reed Rhododendron Gardens and Laurelhurst Park for impromptu picnics, Hollywood Theater for weird old movies if you like to go to the movies on vacation. Other evening-y fun outings are the Alibi tiki bar for karaoke-watching and umbrella drinks, Clyde’s Prime Rib, and the Random Order Pie Shop on Alberta which has a good scene at night: you won’t have to wait as long for their coconut cream pie as you do for Salt and Straw ice cream across the street (Bollywood Theater for Indian snacks next door is solid, though).
thank you for a really detailed list, especially across the river where my ideas are a little hazier.
i’ve actually been going back and forth on cool old movie theaters, since apparently there are a couple, and that’s the kind of thing i’d definitely do in a normal IRL weekend, just not usually on trips.
I got fired on Saturday. I’m not that upset about it, but my mother (the classic overachiever who made honor roll, never lost a job, and so on) keeps calling me to ask why I haven’t gotten a new job yet. Becasue, dearest mother, everything is terrible. Including me. Happy?
Relateadly, anyone have experience going to a career counselorr? And did it help?
I went to a career counselor arranged through my previous employer (a gigantic university) and it was an ok experience. She arranged an MBTI/Strong Interest assessment for me, which was surprisingly helpful, because it helped me give voice to some of my strengths and preferences as an employee. And she offered some feedback on my resume and cover letter, which did help me restructure a bit. Mostly we talked about the jobs I should be getting and how much it sucks that I was not getting them, so, I don’t know, it was kind of helpful but I’m glad I didn’t pay for the experience.
I’ve been an unapologetic job hopper while I try to figure out what to do with myself outside of academia, and I’ve written a lot about that, so if it would help you to read someone else’s jobhunting experiences here ya are. The tag is called “to career is to move uncontrollably” if that gives you a sense of what my experience has been.
Uuuugh, that sucks! Both the job loss and the mother calls. I vote on taking some nice stress-free days for yourself.
I went to the postdoc career counselor at our university once as I was thinking about quitting. It was somewhat useful? Might not be relevant in your field, but in my case it helped a little with knowing what resources were out there for meeting people and finding companies in entirely new industries (I was contemplating making a total career change), and getting some advice on how to tailor my resume. Since then, I’ve gotten got much more help from networking and talking to specific people, though. I still HATE networking, gngghh…
Ask A Manager is a much better resource than many career counselors. And you can read her work in your jammies if you’re having a terrible day.
That is ridiculous. Your mother is being terrible, and I am sorry for it.
I moved across the country for a school ish thing an i need a job but don’t have one yet. So solidarity dude
Ugh, that sucks, I’m sorry. If it’s any consolation, I got fired from a terrible job several years ago, and it was basically the best thing that ever happened to me.
Has your mother looked for a job in (say) the last 20 years? Have you tried explaining to her that Things Are Different Now?
I never tried a career counselor, but I’ve had some good luck in the past finding new jobs through temp agencies that turned into permanent jobs. (I also found an actual, reputable job through Craigslist).
That sucks! Solidarity!
It takes time to get a new job… And unfortunately, as I know from experience, telling parents this does not actually help them adjust their ridiculously speedy expectations.
Have you tried reading What Color is your Parachute? My sister went to a job coach (different from a career counselor somehow — more like a life coach?) and she says the emotional support part was helpful but really it was about as useful to do the Parachute book.
sorry to hear it, i don’t really have great job advice, but i when i was funemployed for a couple months mid-recession, i went for a good long walk every morning. it gave me time to think, was positive and fresh air, made sure i got out of the house at least a little bit.
Ooof, I’m sorry. Make your resume shiny, and start applying again. You’ve got this–your mom can *makes shooing motions*.
Hi Toasts! Please join me in being excited about NEW KITTEN WEEKEND!
My boyfriend has wanted a second cat for months and I have kept telling him absolutely not so that I could surprise him by taking him to the ASPCA on his birthday (this weekend!!). I’ve been dropping hints all week and he has been completely flabbergasted as to what his Super Secret Birthday Surprise is.
KITTEN KITTEN KITTEN KITTEN
I expect lots of pictures of the new kitten for next week’s open thread!
I solemnly swear to post the maximum number of kitten pictures next week.
NEW KITTEN WEEKENDS ARE BEST WEEKENDS.
Pictures required plz (we just got a new kitten too. Kittens!)
You are required by international law to reply to this comment with a picture of your kitten, you know.
How about a gif?
I SUPPOSE this is acceptable.
(Awwwwwwwwwwwww
Older cat: “This is what we’re doing now? The stairs? Really?”
Kitten: “LOOK AT THIS LOOK AT THIS LOOK AT THIS”)
THOSE EARS
Did someone say ears?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
/dies
This is extremely accurate.
KITTEN
You are a good mate, your boyfriend has chosen well.
KITTEN!!!!
toasties, any recommendations for distracting one’s brain from a cute girl? went on two v adorable/successful dates several weeks ago, but her interest and general ability to text in a consistently enthusiastic way is difficult to read… i have determined that i should reduce my emotional investment in the situation (not worth focusing my energy on someone not doing the same for me, other fish in the sea, etc) but HOW does one do this?
unrelatedly, my roommate’s dog ATE MY LIBRARY BOOK and i find this endlessly funny
Time and distance is the only consistently-effective formula I’ve found. Sorry 🙁
Can’t help with the brain distraction part, but I’ve seen it all when it comes to damaged library books. Although… perhaps you could lose yourself in the wormhole that is funny dog shaming photos. There’s got to be one where a dog ate a library book!
My dog ate an old, old library copy of Huckleberry Finn (so old it had a leather cover, which is presumably why he ate it). Hilarious and tragic.
I am having the same experience this week, with someone I’ve been seeing for a few months and really like. She seemed to really like me for a while and then her energy changed quite dramatically, which was really confusing. It sucks. It’s also a perfect time to remind myself that other people don’t owe it to me to reciprocate feelings. And there is something innately comforting about realizing that I’m an adult who can graciously handle rejection…
yes, this is the thing! trying to balance the “she has, in fact, NO obligation to like me / date me / want to text me continuously” with the equally-important “don’t waste your many Feelings on someone who isn’t having them for you!”
It’s okay to feel hurt and sad that someone doesn’t like you as much as you like them, or as much as you want them to like you. You are a good person to do the logical and gracious “she has no obligation”. But your logic-brain can recognize that, and decide to move on, and your feelings-brain can still be sobbing in a corner.
I went through this about a month ago. I applied ice cream and sad songs to the problem, then started a whole bunch of art projects and made plans with friends because I am fabulous and interesting even if bonehead can’t see it. My feelings-brain eventually caught up to my logic-brain.
My dog ate my Greek homework
This can be weird at first, but I think it’s always better to date multiple people at once. I also had a bit of a tendency to get overly invested emotionally, but I discovered that when I spread the emotional investment out across two or three people, it was actually about the right amount per person!
Does anyone want to talk about Brene Brown? Her latest book, Rising Strong, was released this week, and I got the audio book (which she narrates), and it’s terrific. Terrific, in that I think it offers a practical road map to becoming a better person and dealing with your shit, and terrific (but painful) in that it shines light on how short I fall of being a better person.
I don’t know–I listened to the book as non-stop as I could and I’m still processing. I find her work generally on shame and vulnerability to be incredibly interesting.
My copy of it just came from Amazon yesterday! Haven’t cracked it open yet but I absolutely loved the Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly. And it seems to be about bouncing back from failure, which is exactly what I need right now because I seem to be succeeding but can’t get past the fear that I’m always about to repeat a failure from my past. Anyways, maybe I’ll just come back and reply with something actually insightfull about it once I’ve read it 🙂
anybody have resources/reading about divorce? fiction or nonfiction?
maybe something nice and old-school from the 30s or 40s??
I have a midcentury edition of the Vogue Book of Etiquette that probably has a section about this. I could scan the relevant parts and email them to you as a PDF. Drop me a line at clevermanka68 at gmail if you’re interested.
thanks, that is very kind of you! Off to send you an email.
I like Susan Miller’s The World Below. But it’s about both marriages that last, those that don’t, and relationships that never launch. So not divorce specific…
Still sounds really interesting! I’ll check it out, thanks.
I remember once, maybe 5 years ago, reading a book called, I believe “right here with you” is about mindfulness and relationships, and had a beautiful section on heartbreak/the end of relationships. not necessarily divorce-specific, though. it touched on a lot of different topics in terms of the life of a relationship and was quite thought-provoking.
(edited for clarity)
Hugs to you! Cheryl Strayed got me through my last breakup. Also not exactly divorce-specific, but good for figuring how to stand up again when life has knocked you down.
Toasties, talk to me about your personal libraries. What are your most ragged books? What books do you own multiple copies of and why? Do you have any indoor books (books that can’t leave the house)? What’s your coolest book?
I have a great pop up Star Wars book that my guests absolutely always gravitate to and spend time exploring. It’s one of my favorite conversation pieces. I’ve got multiples of my favorite books, so I can have a display copy and a copy to read. My (second) copy of A Wise Man’s Fear has a page that has come completely undone from the binding because it’s my favorite part of the story and I’ve read it so much that it finally fell out. But I keep it, because now it’s easy to find that section (it’s when Felurian is telling the story of the moon and she and Kvothe slip into iambic tetrameter for the conversation)
I’ve also got a few books that used to belong to my grandfather, and I’m so worried about them falling apart that I treat them with kid gloves. Only to be handled with freshly washed hands and only inside.
I have my dad’s copy of The Stand, which is on the save-in-case-of-fire list at our house.
I think my most ragged book that I still have is a copy of The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin. I dropped it in the bath when I was about eleven and now the pages are all crinkly. Also, the cover is mostly falling off.
I love that book! I haven’t read it in 20 years. Must try to track down a copy.
My most ragged book is High Fidelity, because it has been my go-to comfort read since I was 15.
I have multiple copies of the last 4 Harry Potter books, because when they came out my siblings and I were so excited that my parents had no way to decide who would get to read it first when it came out at midnight, so they just bought three copies.
I also, until I recently moved, had at least 5 copies of Dante’s Inferno. I have never read, nor had any interest in reading Dante’s Inferno and I have no idea how this happened.
I’ve got multiple copies of Of Human Bondage, which I have never read and have no interest in reading. But at least I know it’s because my friends and I were all huge Buffy nerds in high school. It was my going-away-to-college gift
This made me laugh out loud. What a wonderful friend group.
And who could have known Eddie would grow up to be The Red Viper?!
I have multiple copies of probably actually many books! A few were accidents, but most are on purpose – I always have multiples of Randall Jarrell’s children’s books, because I give them away as gifts a lot. I have two copies of Jack Gilbert’s Views of Jeopardy. One was a [really amazing] gift from my brother and one I bought because I thought it was too inexpensive to pass up. Even though I already had a copy. It seemed like a rational decision at the time. I had three copies of an out-of-print French book I loved in college, and I already gave away one, and I’m feeling mild anxiety at the thought of only having two left.
There are soooooo many I could talk about but the highlights are these:
I own two copies of my favorite book of all time (Plainsong by Kent Haruf): one hardback that I liberated from a used book store and the paperback that I found at the book sale in my grandparent’s super tiny town that first introduced me to Haruf and the world of Holt, Colorado. The hardback I push into the arms of my friends and family while not taking ‘no’ for an answer but that paperback holds such a special place in my heart that I will never loan it to anyone ever. I always pick it up and read it if I’m feeling rather crummy.
And then there is my childhood favorite: Walk Two Moons my Sharon Creech. This book. All the feels. So funny. So wonderful. My first copy came in a Newberry boxed set for Christmas one year along with The Midwife’s Apprentice and Catharine Called Birdy. It still sits in pretty good shape with the other two books in the box. But somehow, I obtained a withdrawn paperback copy from my middle school library. If I am feeling down, this is the book I turn to over and over again. I will never not love Salamanca Tree Hiddle and her crazy grandparents.
But. One of the most special books I own, is a multi-volume set of children’s stories read and re-read by my grandmother and her siblings so many times I am afraid to untie/ unwrap them from the gift packaging in which they were given to me. I want desperately to read them, but feel like I need to find someone to restore and rebind them and that this will be a major financial undertaking, but one I will be very willing to do. Guess I need to research book restoration options available in my area…
Though I weed books a ton at my job (librarian here!) I have a hard time letting go of any books that come to my home!
Weeding books is so much easier when you don’t have an emotional attachment. I recently “inherited” my mother in law’s Nancy Drew collection. They’re falling apart. Bindings and covers are missing. I never read Nancy Drew in the first place, and I have no attachment to these, so I’d like to just throw them away. But I can’t really do that. So now they’re siting in a box while my husband works up the courage to give them back. It was a nice thought, but this just isn’t the home for them.
To be entirely honest even if it is embarrassing? The bulk of my books are in storage now so the only duplicates are of books that I don’t immediately have on hand. Like I bought a new Regeneration trilogy because I wasn’t about to dig through boxes.
…but there are two books that are just straight up duplicates because the original one is being held together with tape and willpower. Also the cat chewed on it a few times.
Don’t judge.
The Regeneration trilogy! i haven’t thought about those in a while, and the first one especially is so good.
It’s tricky, because as much as i like reading new things, I am a happy recursive re-reader and i probably have enough rereading material at this point to last a lifetime. I am beginning to wonder whether my next apartment will house all my books or if it’s time for a real pruning.
I love those books. My bookshelf has a very extensive WAR section, then the war poetry section, then Pat Barker. She’s one for the list of ‘authors I should probably thank before they die.’
Any home hunting I do from now on has to take my books into account. A library is necessary both for my books and all the ones I keep taking from my grandparents.
Having recently moved and unpacked/sorted/shelved allllll of our books, I was surprised how few duplicates my fiancé and I actually own between us. (Two people with English degrees, book hoarder tendencies, and similar tastes in literature.)
During the moving process, we’d tried to pare down books, though, and give away things we reeaaally didn’t need more than one of.
So we’ve gone down from (I think) four different copies of One Hundred Years of Solitude to two.
We have two copies of The Shining, one his, one mine. (Mine has the better cover design.)
We have three copies of The Haunting of Hill House, two of them technically identical editions, but that’s necessary. (One is hardcover with a great Stephen King introduction. One of the paperbacks is for when you need a smaller casual everyday copy of the book to carry around; the other identical paperback is the one designated for being written in. It’s the only book we own that we’ve agreed is allowed to be written in.)
We had two identical copies of Catch-22, but as I was sorting books, I gave the nice new crisp copy away in favor of the slightly beat-up copy with the fuzzed corners and the page-edges dusted in charcoal pencil from having been carried carelessly with art supplies for months when I was eighteen.
There were also two copies of The Fountainhead (dear god WHY), but I gave the nicer one away in favor of my father’s old copy. It’s got no front cover and the first couple pages are breaking off in bits; all the paper is as brittle as a taxidermied butterfly and his name is stamped on the inside. He’d had one of those typesetting stamp sets that stamps words in black to look about the same as those date stamps do, so it has his name in little stark capital letters inside, except for the y, which is lowercase because he lost the capital Y in an earthquake.
(I think I just answered the question as to dear god why do I own even one copy of that book still.)
I don’t even want to think of how many different copies of Leaves of Grass we own, considering the fact that I think they’re all (or almost all) the 1855 version. (My fiancé has a lot of feelings about Walt Whitman. And Ginsberg. Basically, he’s very enthusiastic about gay men with beards who write poems about America.)
It’s hard to say which of our books is the most ragged due to our affection, though, since so many were seriously used when we bought them . . .
My most ragged books are probably The Secret History, Snilla’s Sense of Snow, and novels that I’ve had since I was in early college, like Suicide Blonde. I’ve since bought hardbacks of TSH and SSOS, so those aren’t as ragged anymore. We have multiple copies of Moby Dick, because it’s my husband’s favorite book and he sometimes gives copies away, plus I started buying him interesting editions of it as gifts. I think my coolest book is Atlas of Remote Islands. If you’ve never seen it, go ILL a copy stat! It’s one of my favorite books to just browse and daydream with. I feel like a lot of my books are “indoor” books–I hate loaning out books; I’m always worried about them.
Jane Eyre, #1 – I was 10, I was obsessed, I owned a paperback that I read so many times that by the time I turned 12, half the front cover had curled back/peeled off.
Jane Eyre, #2 – I was 13, I discovered a much older paperback on my mom’s shelf, and I had read #1 so many times that I had memorized where certain words fell on the page. Reading #2 restored the magic – the different pagination made it feel like a fresh new story to me.
Jane Eyre #3 – I was 15, #2 was hanging together by a thread, I finally decided to get a hardback copy. This one actually stayed together.
did you know there’s a goth-ily illustrated one that’s quite pretty? i grew up similarly obsessed and a great (also obsessed) friend got it for me as a present many birthdays ago.
This is a great question. I have multiple copies of Lord of the Rings, and my first copy, which my favorite aunt gave me when I was about 12, is very worn out (I had to tape the spine). It also has a note on the inside that says “Passing_Strange’s book, do not steak MARK” (Mark was a guy who had a crush on me that he showed by stealing my school supplies). I used to carry it around in my backpack wrapped in a knitted hat to prevent further damage once it started to wear out. Another book that is very worn out is my copy of Terry Pratchett’s Interesting Times, also a gift from my favorite aunt, but one that she let me pick out at the airport when I was moving away as a goodbye book. It was my first Pratchett and I reread it many times.
Interesting Times was my first Pratchett, too! Well, other than Good Omens.
All of my Melanie Rawn books (at least, the Dragon books and the Exiles books) have been replaced a few times. The combination of being some of my favorites and being in the 600-900 page range tend to lead to first the front cover coming off, then the back, then entire chunks coming out. I am probably on my 3rd Ruins of Ambrai and 3rd or 4th Skybowl by now.
AIIIEEE when when when, Captals Tower? When? Why? (I mean I know why, crippling depression and I’m sympathetic and know intellectually she owes no one a book, but MAN). WHYYYYYY WHEN WHYYYY
These are some of the most special, most beloved ones, but as I was assembling them I realized just how many are in storage. My 70s copy of the Perilous Gard. My dad’s ragged Tolkien box set. My oldest Nancy Drew. My tattered Good Omens and Equal Rites. My Jean Websters. Ugh. I need to book hunt.
(Oldest book, Memoirs of Princess Charlotte 1818. Best marginalia, The Charioteer. Proudest of owning, dust jacketed Seven Pillars. Most sentimental, Sherlock. Most read, LOTR.)
And the most unapologetically beaten up and taped back together and reread…
I have no shame and neither does that book.
My most raggedy books are from my childhood–taped together copies of Gordon Korman novels, The View from Saturday (I have 3 copies of that one–one ragged, one nice but read, and one to lend out), and Joan Bauer books that have seen better days. A lot of my books are taped up and much loved.
Multiples–Jane Eyre, Alice in Wonderland & Sense and Sensibility because I have one nice copy to read outside the house and a beloved falling-apart-copy to keep in the house. Also I have multiples of Jasper Fforde books because multiple editions and because he sent me some autographed ones that I already had.
Books that don’t leave the house are mostly the nice editions (like a 1911 copy of Anne of Avonlea I bought for my mom at an antique store) or cheap but too battered to go out (like my Dad’s collection of Agatha Christie’s he got in England in the early 60s).
My coolest book might be that Anne of Avonlea one. But I also have a rare copy of Suzuki Beane (the Beat version of Eloise by Louise Fitzhugh) and a signed copy of Telling the Truth by Frederick Buechner (mostly because that book is personally meaningful to me and it was really special meeting Fred and Judy)
My favourite book is called ‘Rose’s Hand-Book of Things Worth Knowing’. It was published in 1884, “Comprising Interest and Statistical Tables, and other matters useful for Mechanics, Merchants, Editors, Lawyers, Printers, Doctors, Farmers, Bankers, Bookkeepers, Politicians, Housekeepers, and all classes of workers in every department of human effort” and is a fascinating snapshot of Canada at that time. I picked it up for $3 at a flea market and will never let it go 🙂
My first copy of Pride & Prejudice (which was originally my mother’s copy) is falling apart, but I have two other copies (one annotated for a paper I wrote on it once, and one fancy annotated hardback given to me for Christmas one year).
I have pretty much all of my most favorite books on my Kindle in addition to having a physical copy so I always have them available in one way or another.
My family has three full sets of A.A. Milne’s poetry and Winnie-the-pooh books plus some additional copies of the individual books floating around (plus my copy of Winnie-ille-Pooh), but that is necessary so that my mother, my brother, and I have our own sets and won’t be fighting over them. However, I do like my brother’s set more and he hasn’t bothered to take it out of our parents’ home, so I miiiight steal it for myself until he notices. And then I will personally have two full sets!
I have the copy of the 1961 printing of Winnie the Pooh- it’s the first chapter book my dad read to me, and it’s been very well taken care of, and it’s probably physical book I’m most attached to. When mr.table found out why I was particularly attached to that specific book, he started looking into getting me the other volumes from the same printing so I could have the set, which I hadn’t even considered I could do!! <3 <3.
What an interesting question!
I don’t intentionally have duplicates of anything, lifelong voracious reader and English degree notwithstanding.
I’m not super-attached to very many specific books, so if one of my books got raggedy/damaged and it was a book I liked and expected to re-read I would probably just replace it.
Exceptions are The Neverending Story that my mom tracked down in the mid-80s with red and green text, and some children’s books celebrating Blackness that I went to considerable effort/expense to research and find for my children when they were small, and hold on reserve now for theoretical future grandchildren.
I took all the books I knew were still commercially available to a library donation box before I moved, so everything but the Kickstarter-funded comics is now new and shiny. In high school, however, I was a huge fan of a terrible dark fantasy trilogy whose name escapes me. I pushed it on my friends like a dealer in a bad 90s movie until one of them literally cracked in half and had to be held together with tape. I don’t miss the books, but I’m almost proud of how utterly destroyed they were by the time I graduated.
It’s also worth noting that I now have two copies of Good Omens, and I look forward to seeing whether the Aziraphale cover or the Crowley cover starts wearing down faster. (My money’s on Crowley.)
My copies of The Hobbit, Lord of the Rings, and Tam Lin are held together by scotch tape and prayer; I know there are others but those are the ones where it’s definitely the result of reading over and over rather than shoddy book quality. (I did also destroy my mother’s childhood copy of Little Women when I was young, sorry mom.) The only novel I own two copies of is Cryptonomicon (lent it to a friend, assumed I wasn’t getting it back), but I recently unpacked my theater books from when I used to do that and discovered that I have three copies of Arcadia, and I will be keeping every single one of those thank you.
all my pratchett books are lovingly worn and are warped though use to open to really funny sequences.
i treasure my father’s old Hitchhiker’s books and my mom’s ancient copy of All The Kings Men (they are…different but complementary people).
I have a tattered Joy of Cooking from 1960’s, also from my mom, that makes me very happy.
i got really into Daniel Clowes at like, 14-15, and my copy of Ghostworld has a great big sneakerprint on the opening title page, plus some general wear. I was reading it between classes, dropped the book accidentally, it sprawled open and this boy just stomped on and past without looking down or apologizing. i was pissed but also kind of loved it, because it felt to me like such a Clowesian moment.
I have two copies of the same edition of Stories by O Henry and A Town Like Alice. The O Henries were the result of gifts from two different people, so reasonable explanation. No idea how the Alices happened.
The only books of mine that are ragged are those that I have loaned out. I am ridiculously careful and protective of my books – won’t break the bindings or bend the covers at all if I can help it. I have one copy of my favorite book, in paperback, that I have read at least a half-dozen times that still looks new from the outside. . . but a careful inspection of the inside would reveal fold marks from the dog-eared pages from each time that I have read it. My family can’t understand how I can be so rigid about the overall state of books but still dog-ear the pages. (I like to compare them each time to see if I stop in similar places.)
My most raggedy book is either a copy of Feet of Clay, which I’m not embarrassed of at all, and a copy of Simon Green’s Deathstalker, which is actually the third copy of that book that I have worn out, which I’m pretty embarrassed about, but fuck it, life’s short and I like stupid pulpy space operas.
Ella Enchanted got me good as a kid and I now have a copy that is ok for comfort reading, smushed in the bed covers, when I’m sick, and a “display” copy. Those are copies 2 and 3, copy 1 fell apart a long time ago. I also have multiple copies of some classics, thanks to asking for Coralie Bickford Smith illustrated cover hardbacks. I tend to read the paperbacks for easy purse-stashing.
And GOOD GRIEF, Wise Man’s Fear. I’m listening to it because my husband insisted that this series was great for anyone and wouldn’t feel like it was just another fantasy series (which I love, but I found myself reading/listening to mostly fantasy over the last several months and decided I needed a break). It is killing me with it’s goodness. I’m not to Felurian yet, I’m in the woods, learning to track and thinking about how the mayor has sent Kvothe to a hole in the map.
My most raggedy book is an ancient (not really ANCIENT, but mid-century) collection of Hans Christian Anderson short stories that I think used to belong to my Dad? Or my uncles and aunts? Grandma would randomly gift items to people sometimes to get them out of her hair so I am not sure on that one.
If I could only keep only one of them, it would be the signed copy of Never Let Me Go that I just randomly got sent to me from an Amazon seller and I treasure so, so much. I guess that’s my “indoor” book, or anyway, it never leaves my possession if I can help it.
It’s my final semester of grad school, thank goodness, because I keep ordering duplicates of books that I need to read for class but forgot I already ordered or ordered and than lost. We’re up to about 3 of these thus far. Somehow, despite doing this, I can manage to keep track of books from four different libraries during the course of a semester and almost never get fines. WTF, me.
I have five copies of The Princess Bride (my favorite book of all time):
1. My original copy with the original map inside (this one is too ragged to read at this point)
2. The one I read (different cover than my original with a slightly different map)
3. A Kindle copy just in case
4. A copy signed by William Goldman (a different cover again from the other two)
5. A copy in Spanish that I got when I was studying abroad in Spain
At some point I need to pick up the illustrated version as well…
ahhhhhhhhhhh ahhhh I’m moving out of my parents’ house in a week and a half D: D: D: I didn’t have any real plans to move yet at the beginning of this month, aside from the momentary “yeah lets’ do it!” type when talking to friends. But now it’s actually happening! I don’t know what I’m doing! I have 25 years’ worth of dumb junk in my room but not any furniture!
Plus I fucked up trying to parallel park the other day, and made a huge dent in my car’s front bumper, and so now I’m feeling overwhelmed AND super incompetent, and dealing with it by ignoring everything that I really have to do before, y’know, moving. It’s not great. I know/think it’ll work out, and I’ll calm down once I’m actually in my new shiny apartment, but there’s just too much happening rn.
Congrats! Much of adulthood is feeling incompetent and having to figure out how to deal with it. Hopefully it won’t take you a long time to figure it out!
Happy Friday, Toast-friends!
Tomorrow is the 10-year anniversary of Katrina, and so things here in New Orleans are obviously very focused on that, and it’s very sad and strange and makes me feel weird about my place in this city as one of the hordes of people who moved here post-storm.
Toastmistresses (and misters and all)! I would like to knit but don’t know how. How should I learn?
Ask a friend or visit a knitting shop to find class listings! For videos, knittinghelp.com is my go-to.
Ooh good idea — there’s a knitting shop really close to my house! Thanks!
Second that recommendation! Local yarn shops are The Best. My LYS is run by a woman who raises llamas and spins her own yarn; she has been immensely helpful to me.
It really depends on your learning style. Some people can learn from books and I salute them, but I needed to learn in person so I could see how everything worked from all angles. If you don’t have a good local yarn store with lessons, there are a bunch of youtube videos that you can check out. Also, you should totally join Ravelry and come find the toast group!
Aww there’s a Toast group? I double want to learn now!
BRB, joining Toasteseses on ravelry now!
I recently (within the last few months) taught myself through youtube videos. Seriously I just googled beginning knitting and watched enough videos, practicing along until I got the hang of it. One thing that helped me was starting with bamboo needles instead of metal ones so that your yarn won’t slip off. I still use youtube to learn new stitches and I’m obsessed now.
I reaffirm the recommendation for Stitch’n’Bitch! That’s how I taught myself, many years ago. More recently I’ve been using YouTube to learn new techniques.
Stitch & Bitch + YouTube tutorials to see how the yarn actually moves. And pick a fun yarn and make a scarf!
In addition to what everyone else said, join Ravelry.com.
I really like the Klutz books for learning the basics. They are aimed at kids, but the illustrations are really good. They won’t teach you to read a pattern though. Once you’ve done that, there are a TON of books with more detailed instructions and beginner patterns. If there is a good yarn store near you, check them out. Also youtube videos are great for when the written directions are not making sense.
Also, can we make a preemptive thread for the Hannibal finale? I know our Canadian friends have seen it already, but I’m going to need somewhere to go and handle my feelings tomorrow night.
i’m not ready for this to be over
I am Canadian and your friend and AFAIK it hasn’t aired here yet! I haven’t caught up on the episodes I missed while I was on vacation but I remember that after NBC switched it to Saturdays, it aired on Saturdays north of the border as well. I guess it depends on the station?
I’m not ready either and I will never be able to forgive NBC for canceling this beautiful show.
Now… does anyone know where I could acquire a quantity of blood? I want to make that dessert that Hannibal made for Chilton in The Great Red Dragon. Doesn’t have to be human.
Huh, that’s strange! Most of my other Canadian Twitter friends have still been getting it on Thursdays…BUT NOW YOU CAN JUST SOB WITH THE REST OF US ON SATURDAY.
As for getting blood, I think a butcher shop is your best bet.
I can’t decide whether to drink the spiced wine I bought in Colonial Williamsburg (authentic 18th-c. recipe, of which I’m sure Hannibal would approve), or make a fancy cocktail. I’m definitely making food.
Ooooh go with the spiced wine (especially because I’m always pro-CW things, and now I feel the need to track down a World Market and see if they have peanuts from The Peanut Shop). It’s very Hannibal.
I’ll have to open it early and taste to see if I prefer it warmed, chilled, or room temperature.
HANNIBAL D: D: D:
I am so sad it’s the finale. This SHOW.
I’m not ready 🙁 🙁
I was so hoping to see Fuller’s take on SotL.
I’m enjoying the increased use of lamb-based imagery from both Blake and Revelation; it adds more complexity to the Red Dragon painting itself (in-universe, not IRL), and also gives a bit of a through-line leading to the lamb imagery of SotL.
Also, my choir’s doing a setting of some of the “new Jerusalem” text from Revelation, and I realized that “the beast from the sea” is paralleled by the later “and there was no more sea,” to go with the passing away of the first heaven and the first earth (of course, it’s also the sea in which the earth floated formless at the beginning of creation, but there are so many layers). I never expected Hannibal to give me thoughts about the Book of Revelation, but there you go. I NEED THIS SHOW.
I…may have written a long post that gets to SotL eventually
Can’t stop won’t stop
YOU GUYS I AM REALLY, REALLY NOT OKAY
Dating thread!
I’m really sad because it seems it will be more and more difficult for me to post on OT as work tech doesn’t let me log in properly.
Anyway! Soldiering on. My friend recently deactivated her profile and it’s good for her to do what she needs to. I’m feeling weirdly okay despite not having any immediate prospects and bombarded by dum-dums. Toastie Twitter knows the bad messages I get.
Otherwise, it’s just … I find a lot of men lacking? I’m worried I won’t try to build something up with someone because I may make judgments quickly. But I am trying to have conversations.
Share your stories!
men suck
It’s funny, I’ve been trying to pinpoint what caused my attitude shift from “ugh patriarchy is the worst” to “ugh, men are the WORST” and part of it has been online dating, because that is where I started to be exposed to more horrible men than ever and it started to feel personal. Just so many men who seem unwilling or unable to view women as human beings. I have had good experiences with online dating, it’s just that you have to put up with so many bad messages in between. Anyway, good for you for weathering it!
My datefriend and I went on a picnic at the ocean this week and it was lovely. The ocean! Food! My lover! I was happy. Oh and also she slept over for the first time (she has kids so that is often not an option). I can never sleep well when there’s a new person in my bed, but I just have to deal with being under-rested while I adjust and it was nice to wake up to her.
Ocean picnic! I’m so pleased for you!
I too cannot sleep with someone new in bed. It results in me kicking men out or sending them home but I still like waking with some. I can’t tell how long it takes me to adjust. What a conundrum.
So, I need some third party opinions…
I started dating a guy a couple weeks ago. We are both pretty young (30s-ish) and both divorced. At this point, we are just dating. Nothing super serious or anything like that. And everything seems to be going well, but some of his comments are… interesting? Worrying? I can’t tell if they are red flags or just that he is overly honest.
We are both white, but I guess his exes have all been black or Latina. That in itself doesn’t really matter to me. He has a type and that’s ok. He still seems to like me, and I don’t think he fetishizes it or anything… BUT he does keep bringing it up. Like he will say “it’s been so long since I’ve dated a white person” and the first time, I was like “yeah, I guess that must be different…” but when he keeps saying it, it just feels weird?
And I live in a racially-mixed neighborhood and he was dropping me off one morning and there was a cute (black) child walking to school and he was like “Black kids are so cute” and I was like “yeah, kids are so cute!” and he was like “But especially black kids” and I was just “…ok…”
And I don’t know if I’m being weird (and potentially racist myself?? :-/ ) or if these are weird comments.
Uhh, I would find these comments uncomfortable, and having my race pointed out like that very weird and alienating. I know how it can feel to be just dating someone early on and not want to be disagreeable, but if you feel it’s worth it, I’d tell him I don’t feel comfortable and if he can restrain himself, I’d be able to relax and have more fun.
At two weeks, if this is affecting my attraction, I’d just stop seeing him.
Yeah… otherwise, he seems like an ok guy and is one of the first guys that I haven’t had to have a “don’t call girls sluts or comment on their clothing. it’s none of your business” and other such “this is how to be a good person” talks with in a while and he is pretty liberal so if he does it again, I will definitely talk to him about it and see what his reaction is. He’s asked for honesty so he’ll get it. haha
Thanks for helping me 🙂
Ok, I’m glad. Good luck! You can always ask why he observes this stuff to you, to get an understanding of his motivation. That might feel less confrontational if that worries you.
You deserve to be in the company of people who make you comfortable!
Just popping in to open thread to tell you about the boy I went out with this week- seemed pretty nice although slightly younger than i’d prefer. He friends me on bookface and it turns out he’s friends (like actually has hung out with in the last month) both an ex-boyfriend and the office creeper. AND THEN he messages me that he wants to make sure I know he’s poly and in another relationship. He has never mentioned this. At all. I don’t think I’ll see him again…
D: That sounds so shady! I’m sorry that was so weird!
I’m whoa excited that all of this came out early. Shadiness after multiple dates? Sad. Shadiness after 1 date? Hilarious anecdote to add to my collection.
After completely giving up and deciding I loved my vibrator and my dog and my knitting and men suck, I have a date tonight.
It’s a guy I messaged a month or two ago on OKC because his profile was funny. We had an interesting conversation about television, reality, editing, and the role of media. Then, crickets. I didn’t worry about it. Anyway, he messaged me last weekend and we’re going out for fancy cocktails tonight. I’ve worked really hard all week not to obsess (positively or negatively). I’m also not shaving my legs or changing my sheets. (Not because sex on first date is immoral or anything, but because I tend to dive into things too quickly and get hurt.)
This guy gets points for avoiding the 3 major Seattle OKC guy archetypes (Super-outdoorsy-hiker-guy, Super-hipster-dude, and super-geeky-socially-awkward-dude), and also for decisively picking a day and place when I said I’d like to meet up this weekend but was drawing a blank on where.
Anyway, I’ll be back next week with an update.
Aaahhh yay, sorry for late response, please do update
I have a date tonight with an OKC dude (I shut down my account but am still tying up loose ends, as it were). It’s a second date, and I enjoyed our (very brief) first coffee date, but I am just Not In the Mood for it tonight, blech. I’m sure I’ll enjoy it more once I’m actually there, but the process of arranging the date has been draining and weird.
My ex wrote into the email address that I/coworkers have to answer for work, so that was weird and awful.
Time to take to the sea!
Ugh. I have a tempestuous relationship with OKC. I met my last guy on the site, and he was the first decent man I’ve ever been with. We broke up due to distance. I think I’m still not over it, but this being me I have immediately thrown myself back into dating. So far I’ve met one guy I liked (but who lives several hours away) and three meh dudes who’ve left me feeling really uneasy. I think I’m just looking for a replacement for my ex, which as anyone knows is a bad idea. I tend to focus way too much on the men in my life anyway. As someone mentioned upthread, there are some diamonds, but you have to deal with so much bullshit along the way. I think it might also be time to take a break.
In one hour, I have a call with my possible new job to start to negotiate details. It’s both torture and sweet relief to have one foot out the door. For example, when my boss yesterday scheduled an orientation call with a new fellow (who I’m supposed to supervise) at 10am – a time that I said I’m free – and wrote in the email to us all “Momthra, if you’re a few minutes late to this, it’s ok.” A of all, I have never once been late to anything, WHY would I be late to this? And B of all, if you thought there was a reason I might have a time conflict, why would you schedule an orientation call with my direct report for that time?!? But now I just laugh and laugh as I [metaphorically] pack up my things.
What a great feeling! I am 90% sure I’ll be getting an offer next week for my Dream Job, so I currently have one toe out the door. I usually wouldn’t start to dissociate from my job before receiving an offer, but I am starting to be very liberal with my use of “feeling under the weather” (because we don’t get paid out for sick time).
Congrats on the possible new job!
I feel like that means “the first few minutes won’t involve you, so if you want to do thing x for five minutes instead of listening to us blather, go for it.” Weird way to put that, though.
It’s possible – but I’m sure there are ways to phrase that that wouldn’t come off as undermining my role in the organization/this project.
Toasties give me your job advice!
I just started a job in a real office this week instead of retail. Questions: Can I dress down as much as the guys in the office – it’s the silicon valley so lots of t-shirts and jeans- or as a girl and a new employee should I stick to collared shirts and nice pants? If there’s nothing to do is it okay to surf the web, I’m in training right now so I literally have three hours of work for the entire day? What are your best tips for turning this temporary season hire into a full time thing? Shower me with your wisdom!
I’d go with nice jeans and casual-but-not-t-shirt shirt – not because of “girl” but because of “new employee.” You want to fit in and look like you’re attentive to the office culture but still make it known that you know that you’re not a full hire yet. My best advice is to show up for everything and to take initiative – people want to hire someone who doesn’t feel like more work to manage. Ask a lot of questions and try to find opportunities to offer to be helpful. Good luck!
I like to be pretty suited and booted at all times at work, so that nobody ever says “hey Vincennes, you look nice today, are you going to a job interview ha ha ha” if I am going to a job interview. That’s a very long view though, I’ve been dressing more formally than most for the last four years in my current job.
YES! I wear a blazer every now and then at random, just to normalize it for the day I’m jetting out of there for an “appointment” at the end of the day
Are the guys in a similar role? Sometimes it depends on what the job is (e.g. the devs might get to dress differently than people who have to interact with clients). If so, look to them, but try to wear your nicest “dressiest” jeans, and maybe go for polos or collard shirts as opposed to really casual t-shirts. Or at least complete your look with jewelry or a blazer or something.
In terms of surfing the web, that REALLY depends on your company and your boss. It is probably okay, but I would say you want to avoid getting too much into the habit if you can. Are there training materials available to you beyond what you are required to do (e.g. we have skillport classes available at my work to help improve our skills with specific programs)? If so, maybe spend at least part of your downtime working on those. This will show that you have initiative and ALSO help you improve your skills for this job and ones to come.
Being the only woman in a new office filled with men does make dress code kind of a question, doesn’t it? The guys I work with dress down a lot, so I feel comfortable wearing dark/black jeans, but stick to blouses. I feel more comfortable doing that than wearing a business-casual dress or skirt, because the femininity of those stands out way more than if I came in in sweats.
Is there a company intranet (hi, I’m Old) or knowledgebase you could study or review? I would recommend you do all you can to make your web-surfing more about “Learning more about my new company and industry like a good Eager Beaver!” and less about “The Toast and Facebook slacking,” IYKWIM.
I’m a grad student (in silicon valley no less), so while I’m not in an office job it’s a similar level of dress. I wear a lot of jeans and sweaters/nice-ish tanks and cardigans, etc. I’m not a big t-shirt wearer anyway so I like to be at least a little put together, but not dressed so formally that it sticks out as being notably nicer than the norm. I also would think of it more as a new employee thing than a girl thing – I know plenty of women in tech who do the whole t-shirt and jeans all time (and plenty who don’t! dress in a way that feels comfortable and appropriate to you).
If you aren’t customer facing I think jeans (nice jeans) and plain t-shirts (not ‘cute’ or ‘clever’ ones) are probably just fine; if you are customer facing then you will need to look nicer probably.
Also what is the vibe from whoever it is who is managing you? I think you could ask them: what should I do when I finish these tasks? And see what they say. I mean, do they know it is only 3 hours of work? 🙂
Question for parental toasties:
I’m currently in the throes of trying to decide on having/not having kids. I’m not getting too much pressure from family and Mr. Thuja has said he will support whatever decision I make as it effects me the most. I’m leaning towards having kids, but then every time I read the news or think about the science of climate change, I have a minor anxiety attack at the thought of bringing another person into this shit. How have you worked through that?
I bought a “rites of passage” talisman from a wonderful jeweler and that has definitely pushed my feelings towards having kids. Also, it’s super pretty!
I know Ask Bear had a question about this recently, but my favorite is Dear Sugar’s column “The Ghost Ship That Didn’t Carry Us”
http://therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-sugar-the-rumpu…
I’m not yet at the point where I have to make the decision – like you I’m leaning towards having kids, but also like you it’s not something I’m so sure I want that it’s guaranteed I’ll go for it. But the column has also helped me think about the ways in which I want to steer my life, and to learn how to make irrevocable choices.
Best of luck, whatever you decide!
Thank you for the Dear Sugar column, it was a wonderful way of thinking about things!
I love the concept of the ghost ship, and sister lives. I’m pretty sure I’m not having kids, and I’m pretty sure that is the right decision for me, but I still occasionally have a twinge of “maybe” or “what if”. Reading that column made me feel better about my occasional ambivalence, assured me that it’s totally natural to make a decision and be happy with that decision, but still need a little time to mourn the path not taken.
Oh man. I have two kids and still sometimes freak out about how I have doomed them by birthing them into a world where climate change will ruin everything and destroy their lives (or if not climate change, some other horrible thing). So I can’t tell you how to get rid of that fear, but I will say that I try to comfort myself by saying that we don’t know the future, but what I do know is now. And right now, my children are awesome and they make my life better and that they are happy to be alive. No one’s life is exempt from pain and suffering, and yet most people (who are not dealing with depression) value being alive. The universe is vast with things that are not alive. It’s pretty cool that we are alive, for however long it lasts. This is what I tell myself. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t.
It’s actually strangely reassuring to know that the feeling doesn’t go away completely once you’ve made the decision.
Yeah, I think for me, at least, the anxiety behind such worries is–well I don’t want to say it is irrational, because climate change is a real thing–but it is tied to issues that can’t really be assuaged by any particular decision I make and so they are not productive. Which can be paralyzing, because I feel like I have no control and things will turn out wrong no matter what, but it can also be liberating, because all I can do is try to live my life the best way I can and to enjoy the good times when they are good. And that’s all any of us can do, really. And for some that includes kids, and for some it does not.
So, I recently was going through the same “to have kids or not” process. One person’s advice was to think of what you want your life to be like in 10 years. Do you want a stable family life with kids? Or do you really want to be traveling? Or living in a commune? Or doing something else? I wobbled and wobbled, and finally I decided I needed to try doing some things I’d always wanted to try but never have the means/courage to. I did, and it made me decide that I do not want kids–I want to do other things with my life and children would for many reasons not be a good addition to the life I want in 10 years. Also, try reading the book Why Have Children? It’s an academic philosophy book about the morals of having kids, and it discusses the questions you raise about the state of the world. It clarified some things for me too (the author as a child, so it isn’t anti-having kids).
This is good advice and I think also looking beyond ten years would be useful, too. What kind of life does one want in 10 years? And in 20? And in 30? (This is, of course, assuming that one can ask such questions without falling into a vortex of anxiety about how 30 years might include a post-apocalyptic nightmarescape).
Just this past week, the wonderful podcast “The Longest Shortest Time” did an episode on this very topic which was lovely and featured a 31-year old woman, her thoughts on this, and talking to her mother about it. One of the things that altered her thinking was that question about “where do you see your life many years down the road?” I recommend checking it out!
I’m still on the fence, but leaning towards no. What has made me realize this, is that whenever I imagine having a child, I imagine how it will make other people happy, like my dad and my aunts, but I can’t seem to picture how it would make me happy. Also, the more pressure I feel from people asking me about whether I’m going to have children, the more I think “well, maybe we could get a dog…” and then realizing how little I want to get up early for a dog, let alone a child.
You are extremely sensible!
Yeah, dogs at least let you sleep through the night…
I’m working on my dad to get a dog when he retires (in 4-5 years), so that I can borrow it without having to own one myself.
I too would find having the decision to have kids (I’m still a couple years away from this) solely on my shoulders to be pretty anxiety-inducing, particularly with big “should I even bring kids into this world?” thoughts rattling around my head. As the one who’ll be gestating and birthing a baby, sure, I will be the one most affected by having a child, but my husband will certainly be affected too! I’d want to take a breather from the big-picture scary thoughts and just talk logistics together: How will having a child affect our lives, both day to day and long term? Does having a child fit in with the life we’re imagining for ourselves?
That’s a very good point. We’ve discussed things in a sort of abstract sense, but nothing concrete. This might need to be a conversational topic this weekend. Along with important things like “Should we watch X-Files or Star Trek on Netflix tonight?”
To be honest, the main reason I want kids is to force them to watch Star Trek with me.
I suggest a cat or dog for this, because if you force your kids to watch Star Trek with you they might end up telling you how awful they are finding it in excruciating detail. 🙂 (I am not saying Star Trek is inherently awful, just… boy does our daughter dislike some of our favourite kids books.)
Like how my mom brought me up on MTV in the ’80s, and now I listen to nothing but opera…
My boyfriend and I were where you are a until about a year ago, in terms of “do we want kids? how can we bring them into this world?” They’ll both be impacted by effects of climate change but also disproportionately contribute to it; this life is painful, even in the cushiest of situations, etc., etc…Ultimately, though, I think this can’t be answered, and I ended up in this negative feedback loop of a question while still knowing at my gut level that I wanted kids. I mean, life has always been difficult for people. Yes, climate change will be disruptive, (in some parts of the world it will be much, much worse than in others) but there are so many unknowns in this life. I think SilentTrystera’s point that what we do know is now. I also second SwitchingGenre’s suggestion about thinking about your life and what you want it to look like in the near future. That’s really all you can do.
Anyway, we decided we’re going to adopt through foster care, which makes me very excited just thinking about it. Except the state is requiring us to get married if we want to both be the legal guardians for our prospective children, and for some reason that makes me really NOT want to get married, even though we are totally committed to each other. Protective Services and the court would pick a married couple who had only known each other for a month over us, who have been together for three years, because only marriage apparently shows commitment and stability. ARG. Sorry to digress, but this is a real irritant for me lately.
That is bullshit that the state requires that! We fostered for a while and I don’t think all of the people we went through training with were married, I’m sure the rules vary by state. There is always a need for people who are willing to foster and commit to adoption so I don’t know why they would throw up roadblocks like that. A stable, committed relationship should be enough (to do it together), married or not.
This has already been said, but for us it is the sort of feeling that comes in waves, and it is pretty terrifying, but I think unless one is a rare human being who lives in a snow globe, there are always things like that — I mean, climate change is a big real scary thing, but part of having kids is that absolute terror about what might happen to them becase of Uncontrollable Thing like marauding ex-soldiers or the plague or the atomic bomb or whatever. And I think the actual /living with it/ every day part is kind of impossible until you have the kids because I do not think anything can really prepare you for the way that having kids feels like someone took your heart and stuck it into someone else’s body where it is out doing things and your job is to let it! (Of course that is just our experience, but… wow.)
Also… both of my kids are very, very happy to be alive. I have never met a new human being who is not, although of course many children suffer so much trauma early on that some/lots of that joy gets quenched. But if you believe in the present moment, even if you are bringing your children into a world which will not be safe (which is inevitable) or necessarily easy or happy for them, they are going to have /lots and lots of joy/ just by being alive. And… oh I do not know how to say this properly, but it is like, if you protect and nurture their ability to be joyful, they will have those moments even if the world is going to hell in a handbasket, because it is not the huge global things which make you unable to enjoy a peach or a cool breeze or a sunrise, it is stuff that is closer to home. I am sorry, I am not sure that makes any sense, but I do feel it really strongly both in my own life and raising our kids.
If you think about it, middle-class kids in developed countries are probably the luckiest human beings who have ever lived, in terms of daily comforts, standard of living, life expectancy, etc.
Climate change is far less of an immediate threat than things like starvation, childhood disease, and so on that kids have had to face since the beginnings of human existence.
Yes, and being sold into (all different kinds of) slavery or being orphaned or maimed due to treatable medical stuff or having to work in fields as soon as you can walk because if everyone doesn’t work you starve, plus all the physical and sexual abuse that was so common it is almost entirely invisible… and yet lots of people in the past were clearly able to be happy. It amazes me.
Echoing others in saying you don’t get over this fear when you have them, but really: Things are not that bad. Yes, climate change could be a big old mess and is probably going to cause some upheaval. When was the last time the world wasn’t in a state of upheaval, though?
I have 2 kids and tend toward anxiety, so it’s been very important for me to remind myself relentlessly that the news headlines don’t represent real trends, much of the time. Violent crime has been trending down for a good 50 years, for example. It’s safer now than ever before to be a child (assuming you’re in a developed country with lots of car seats and safety regulations). There are lots of reasons not to have a kid (like if you don’t want ’em), but don’t let fear stop you.
Toast I’m going to a Very Elaborate party on Sat (Dinner en Blanc?) And it will likely be fun and ridiculous and YAY END OF SUMMER but the lengths I have had to go to rent an all white bistro set in this city MY WORD. Also, i really wish I had bought that chef torch so i could make little creme brule in ramekins. Someday that ability will be MINE.
What city are you in? I went to the Los Angeles one last night and it was so fun! We bought cheap ($8) folding chairs from Ikea, and brought a black table but covered it with a white tablecloth. Are they requesting that you actually bring a white table? That is a little over the top.
Have fun and don’t worry too much about the details. We had a table that was larger than the specifications and off-white napkins, and no one cared. There were WAY too many people for any sort of formal policing of white items.
Ooo! Where was it in LA? It would be much much easier prob if any of us had cars? and/or if DC had an Ikea / large chain store situation. As it stands, we’re renting a set which came to a reasonable price since none of us had space for it anyway. But actually picking it UP requires a complex network of TaskRabbit & public transit & Lyft. BUT WHATEVER i’m wearing a fascinator and thats all that matters.
OH! I am glad you posted this, because last week I saw a lot of formally dressed people in all white downtown and I could neither imagine nor google what they were up to. And I desperately wanted to know because they were so well coordinated and gorgeously dressed!
Toasties, I finished my masters thesis!!!! I just have to turn it in and then I will be done with grad school forever!!
(I got an extension on it, which I was not even fishing for – I emailed my department head about a logistical thing and she was like “oh I’ve been super busy and haven’t read your draft yet,I’ll send you my feedback and then you can just turn it in next week if you want” which, okay, I’ll take it!)
Congrats! You’re free!
Way to go! That’s an amazing feeling. I finished mine nine years ago and haven’t even read it again since then, haha. Super congrats!
Congratulations! I bet that’s a huge feeling of relief and accomplishment!
Congratulations! Mine is due in on Tuesday (I’m almost finished with it) and it will be nice to have finished.
WOOO!!!! I’ll be there in December next year!
My 29th birthday is next week, so I’ll be eating chocolate birthday cake then (made by me) and wearing one of the new skirts I got this week. I haven’t decided yet between the hot pink maxi skirt and the pink tulle ballerina skirt. Then two days after I’ll be off to Florence for a week.
Which means that every day from now until Thursday is going to draaaag.
Go ballerina! And happy upcoming birthday. 29 is a great age!
I’m in a similar situation — I do have *some* work to do, but almost never enough to fill a whole day. I want to get a new job but I’m finding the inertia here really difficult to overcome. The longer I stay here I feel like my brain is atrophying. It’s so tempting to just stay here forever and get paid to do crossword puzzles and dick around online all day! But I’m not fulfilled and it’s so hard to get myself started on looking for other things.
Have you talked to your husband about this? What if you can work together to make a plan for moving?
I’m going to find if our baby is a boy or girl in T-2 hours! Tell me about your pregnancies, or your decision to find out (or not) the sex of your baby!
(I feel like I dick for saying out loud, but I am heavily rooting for a girl.)
I have a friend who was so strongly of the opinion/desire that she was having a girl she never questioned or asked what the sex of her child might be. She even told me I could have her baby if it was a boy. I was there when she gave birth and was the first person to hold him, she allowed it for about 30 seconds before she demanded “GIVE ME MY SON!” Took her another two weeks to come up with a name for a boy though.
We found out the sex solely because it was really hard to come up with a name and we only wanted to have to decide on one. We didn’t tell anybody else, though, which our friends were very understanding of but strangers were total jerks about. Like it was somehow offensive that we didn’t want to tell them? If anyone goes this route I recommend just lying to the strangers and telling them you don’t know; then they’ll say how lovely it is to have a surprise.
I also would root for a girl, mainly because I have so many cool girl names picked out!
I would definitely find out ahead of time. I can’t see an argument for waiting.
We found out the sex for both of our kids – it’s just easier, y’know? Then you have time to pick a name, and clothes, and whatever other fun things you might want to do.
What was weird (for me, anyway) was that with both of my wife’s pregnancies I just KNEW what we were having. It was this strange sense of certainty that she was carrying a boy the first time around, and I thought it was a fluke but then I did it again with our daughter. I don’t think I’ve been so certain about anything else.
Did you find out yet???
We did the surprise things with our first, but strongly suspected it was a girl due to something my husband overheard the ultrasound tech say. It was! Second time around, we found out just because I wanted to know if I should get rid of all the girly hand-me-downs or not. I’d probably find out if I did it again, for the same boring practical reasons, but both knowing and not knowing are fun.
I was rooting for a girl and incapable of not finding out and then it was a boy and I was instantly joyful about him. The abstract of ‘awww, tea and polka dots!’ or whatever faded away in the face of ‘that little critter there is your actual son-in-development’
With #2 I was rooting for another boy, and got him, and still get disbelievers who think I must have wished he was a girl. But I like being on the mom-of-boys train.
(Hope your scan went well! Best wishes for your baby-of-some-gender!)
UPDATE: It’s a boy!
Not going to lie: I cried. But I’m also jazzed.
I must be the only person here who’s not finding out! I have no idea what I’m having. Mr. Betsaroo and I didn’t really see the need. I have a slight preference for girl, too, which I’ve been trying to work through. But we basically felt like…knowing what the plumbing is doesn’t actually tell us anything about the little person we’re going to get. And it *does* encourage all the relatives to give PRINCESSPLOSION (or, to a lesser extent, trucks-and-construction) hyper-gendered stuff* right off the bat, which we’re not into.
*Note: if the kid wants to be all-princess-all-the-time, or all-trucks-all-the-time, that’s cool! But we figure we don’t need to start down that path before birth.
Hi Toast.
I am home and doing much better than I was. My new doctor seems good so far, and it looks like I’ll be starting psychodynamic therapy in a week or so. (I think that’s what it’s called in english?) I was hoping to start back up with school this fall, but I just founf out that they don’t have room for me in the program I was hoping for. I’m trying to just stay calm and be okay with the fact that my plans are on hold for a year. It’s going… so-so.
Hey, I’m glad to hear from you! Bummer about the program. But I’m sure you’ll figure something out.
Hi! I’m glad you’re doing better! That’s too bad about your program. Maybe something else will turn up?
Hey, glad to hear you’re back home and doing better. I definitely get the feeling of wanting to go-go-go and do the program you want to do right away, but remember that you’re young and that a year is not such a long time to wait. And maybe something else good will come up in the meantime!
(I remember you maybe enjoyed pictures of dogs so here’s a pug dressed as a bat: https://instagram.com/p/u0pdSRSWnj/?taken-by=allt… )
upsofloating! So happy to see you here. Much better, you say. Hooray, I say! Psychotherapy will be good for you; I can feel it. Do let us know how it goes, if you feel like sharing. Sorry you have a delay in your plans. That can be frustrating, but not a derailment. You say “on hold”, not cancelled. This means you have a spot in next year’s program? Something to look forward to. It’s OK to feel so-so. Feelings are not wrong. It’s how you respond to them that matters. Feel so-so. Look back at how much improvement so-so represents. Look forward to feeling even better. You can handle this schooling delay. Keep in touch, please. ::Jedi hugs::
A lot of good things can happen in the upcoming year. They might not be what you expected, but they can still be good. Welcome back home. We’re still here for you.
Toast folks, I am on vacation in Oahu this week and it’s amazing but they are in the middle of a historically rainy month. Any suggestions for things to do that are awesome and unique that are also indoors?
Went snorkeling yesterday and got so caught up in the experience that I never reapplied any sunscreen so I have a nasty sunburn on my back. Hawaii achievement unlocked, ouch!
Go EAAAAAAT everything! Check out The Pig & The Lady, Koko Head Cafe, Cinnamon’s, Kalapawai Market, Sushi ii – I can give you more recommendations if you have specific likes or limitations. (My family lives on Oahu and I just got back a few days ago.) Museums like Iolani Palace, Bishop Museum, Byodo-In Temple are also good rainy-day things to do.
Literally the only good thing to do is eat Japanese food. Maybe Chinese food, if you’re only used to American-Chinese food. Tokkuri-tei, Yohei, Goma tei, Maguro-ya, Shokudo (if you like “fusion”), I mean…. you can’t eat all day but you can try
Just another reason why everyone should avoid Oahu and come to the Big Island – the weather’s been amazing for the last couple days. 🙂
Are you staying long enough for the hurricane to possibly affect your travel plans? Because I am starting to get worried.
And I second the eating / museum suggestions above, especially Bishop Museum.
East Coast Toasties:
Do any of you fine people live in Portland, Maine or St. John, New Brunswick? Mr. Larocquen and I will be venturing east in October and I would LOVE recommendations of things/places to see. Particularly of the food and/or live music variety. We’ve been to Coast City Comics (multiple times in one trip, no less!) and we enjoy going to Blue but any and all new suggestions are welcome!!!!
Portland here. I literally just tweeted a poem about my love of Holy Donuts.
Not from Portland, but I vacation there once a year-ish and have literally made an impromptu overnight trip in the middle of February just to get a bowl of ramen from Pai Men Miyake.
Tandem Coffee in Portland!
Hey everyone, the volunteer director at the Planned Parenthood where I volunteer sent out some links yesterday that she asked us all to pass on – Credible Sources regarding the deceptive “baby part selling” videos. Please consider taking a look at these and circulating as needed.
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/28/us/abortion-pla…
https://istandwithpp.org/index.php?cID=215
I was in a car accident this week so I’ve gone from being super excited about my weekend plans to wanting to cancel them all and hide under a blanket. With my sore neck. And a lot of hot tea. /grumpy thread?
It’s been horribly smokey from forest fires here for weeks and my parents live in the woods so I’ve had low grade anxiety about their safety and it’s all shitty. Lets drink beverages of our choice together and give the stink eye to the world.
That does sound shitty. I’ll think good thoughts about your parents and everyone in the scope of the fires. And of course, sit with beverages and do the classic stink.
OH MY GOD HONEY
Thanks CleverManka <333
I’m so sorry! I’d bring you a blanket and a tea and some of those mad tasty Effie’s biscuits if I lived nearby. I hope the accident was not too expensive and that your neck heals up soon. I’m also glad you’re safe!
I haven’t exercised all week because every time I’ve gone to exercise in the past month I’ve been limited by injuries. My right wrist is popping, my right hip is popping, all the muscles on my left ribs cramp at inconvenient times, and I’ve got two ripped callouses on my left hand that will. not. heal. So I have been “resting” but incredibly grumpy about my physical failings. Blah.
Thank you!!!
Yikes, I am sorry to hear your body is doing those things, and would like to offer you some tea/ a blanket in return. Let’s make this a weekend of healing. Wishing you (real) rest and relaxation~
Permission granted to nope on out of weekend plans and hide out on the couch under a blanket. If that’s what you want to do, I’m cool with it.
Thank you <3 Think I’m going to attempt tonight’s event and then bug off for the rest of the weekend 🙂
Boooo. 🙁
…May I make a recommendation, as a twelve-car-accident veteran?
(for real, I was not found at fault in any of those. people just hit my car. randomly.)
Get yourself to doctor to make sure nothing got injured, if you haven’t already. Follow that up with a good, proper masseuse and a good chiropractor, for as many appointments as you can afford. I didn’t take care of myself properly in one of my early, bad accidents, and much of my current pain comes from those soft tissue injuries.
Heat packs and ibuprofen and tea are wonderful self care items, and I swear by them. 🙂
Feel better, lady!
I’m researching graduate programs and have no idea what the best way is to contact faculty?! Help me please, I’m a big baby who is afraid of emails!
Emails, for sure. Anything polite and to the point should be completely fine and inoffensive–I’m sure they get inquiries all the time and are used to this.
Oh, yeah, email for sure. I at least know that much haha. I just feel very silly and unsure of what to say. Imposter syndrome? Long lasting fear of authority figures? Who knows.
I think it would help to have specific questions in mind (e.g., “Do students in this program get to do a lot of hands-on research alongside faculty?” vs. “Can you tell me more about how the program works?”). But it’s pretty standard to preface with “Hey, I’m a prospective student and there are a few things I wanted to know, thanks in advance for your time!”
And just think, if you DO end up going to whatever program, you’ll probably have occasion to email those same people way more times in the future, and eventually it (and they) will no longer be scary.
Thanks! 🙂
This. And know whom you’re contacting and why. General questions about the program can be sent to the graduate director/advisor (or even the graduate secretary if it’s about general application information). When you send emails to the faculty with whom you might be working, introduce yourself as a potential applicant to their program, explain that you share a research interest, and ask about department support/opportunity for study in their field. You don’t want to get your hopes set on working with a faculty member, only to find out they’re going to retire soon or that classes in that field aren’t actually offered very often.
This. Faculty are thrilled to get emails from prospective students. And if they aren’t, well, fuck them because that’s a good indicator that you probably wouldn’t want to work with them, anyway.
Good point!
Is it a graduate program where you are accepted to work with a particular faculty (e.g. a PhD involving labs)? In those cases it is customary to email asking if they are accepting graduate students this year.
Either way, emails are great. Keep it short and friendly. Don’t worry if they don’t get back to you or respond with a ridiculously short email – many professors I know are terrible with email or are just doing their best to stay on top of a ridiculous inbox onslaught.
Ask a friend to read it over for you before you send so you feel better about it.
I work in a field where people join a specific lab, so pre-applying I sent some emails to specific faculty saying I was interested in working with them, asked if they were taking graduate students, said something specific about their work, etc. A lot didn’t respond! That’s fine! Maybe it differs by field but when I sent emails just being like “hey I’m applying I think you’re cool” I didn’t get as many responses as “hey I got in and might be coming I think you’re cool”. I think it depends a lot on the faculty/program, but no one will be upset with you for reaching out.
I think it’s also useful to get a sense of how responsive various faculty members are. For example, I don’t think I emailed the prof I ended up working for before applying to my school, but I indicated I wanted to interview with him when we ranked faculty we were interested in. I didn’t end up getting scheduled to meet with him during my interview, and he reached out to me and a couple of other people being like “hey, I saw you were interested in meeting me, do you want to call sometime and we can chat?”, which I really appreciated. Again though, if people don’t respond to your earliest of early emails don’t freak out (though that may depend on the culture of your field).
If it makes you feel any better, I work for a grad program and students email all the time. I think having specific questions can be helpful, but my director doesn’t mind talking to students at all. The only thing I don’t love is when people stop by my door and are like “so I was here and thought I would just stop by!” because I have to talk to them, but am often in the middle of something else. Making appointments is always good.
I feel you. When I was applying to grad school, internet strangers kept saying that if I didn’t contact faculty ahead of time, my application would certainly be rejected and my life would be ruined, etc. But the idea of cold-emailing professors gave me hives, so I didn’t. And it made no difference whatsoever. It depends on the field, obviously, but if you’re applying to a program with lab rotations, it really isn’t necessary.
Another idea to start with is to check the website to see if they list emails for current graduate students in the program, and email a few who work for professors you like. This is assuming your field is the type where grad students work with a particular advisor, especially if it’s in the research group style. The grad students would be able to answer a lot of your questions and give you some good background info, and even send the most relevant papers, etc. They are also likely to be really honest about what the program is like. That might make you feel more prepared to email the actual professor. I’ve fielded a few emails like this as a grad student and I am always happy to do so because I get to talk about myself and it makes me feel important and wise.
Hello Toasties! *waves* I’m a long-time Admirer of The Toast and its commenters, and this is my first time commenting, because I’m looking for advice from people well-versed in different religious traditions.
I’m teaching a course on philosophy of religion (to first-year university students) for the first time. I can’t change the list of topics very much, but can change the set readings. Usually reading lists, textbooks, and anthologies in this area are almost completely white, male, and Christian-focused, and I’d like my reading list to be more diverse. I’m not really an expert in the field, and I’m having some trouble finding the sort of thing I want. But I know this site is full of very smart and well-read people who *are* experts on the issue, so I’d love some reading recommendations from you!
The focus of the course is classic arguments for and against monotheism. Topics include the divine attributes, ontological, cosmological, and design arguments for the existence of God, objections to them, and the problem of evil/theodicy. I’m especially interested in setting some readings from the Jewish and Muslim traditions on these topics, as well as classic texts by women. For example, short-ish and reasonably accessible parts of texts by Avicenna, Maimonides, or Hildegard von Bingen, perhaps? The course is taught within an analytic philosophy department, and all readings must be suitable for first-year students. If they’re available online, even better.
I’d also like to include something on experience of the divine, where I think there are more classic texts authored by women (female mystics, for instance?) and on arguments against monotheism from polytheistic or atheistic traditions. Advice on readings on these topics would also be extremely helpful to me! They have to be things that wouldn’t look too out of place on an analytic philosophy reading list. So far people have recommended Paula Gunn Allen’s The Sacred Hoop, and T.R.V. Murti, S.N. Dasgupta, and Arvind Sharma. Any thoughts or advice would be very much appreciated!
Im definitely not qualified to give you advice but as someone who is a first year at college I just want to thank you for diversifying your selections especially regarding the divine. Im Catholic myself but my high school english teacher taught me (through magical realism) about traditional Celtic religions and the Goddess and the like and I found it fascinating. Im sure your students will think the same of your course!
Thank you for your kind words, daisy. I hope all my students are as nice and thoughtful as you are!
Thank you so much for your kind words, daisy! I hope all my students are as nice and thoughtful as you are.
just putting in a plug for readings from Julian of Norwich, who is my favorite, or Margery Kempe.
Female mystics of varied faiths, check out: Mirabai, Julian of Norwich, ‘A’isha al-Ba’uniyya, Táhirih
It’d be interesting to throw in some Buddhist writings–arguments against not just monotheism, but God at all.
Yes, that’s a great idea! I do know a tiny bit about those arguments and I’m planning to include some.
A recommendation with caveats: Jordan D. Paper, The Deities are Many: A Polytheistic Theology makes a great case for polytheism as the natural state of human religious belief, but has a hefty dose of cultural appropriation to go with it. (It’s been a few years since I read it, but I seem to remember that the author is a white American dude who married a Hindu woman and he gets a little righteous about it.) But as a polytheist, I liked a lot of the arguments.
More generally, Brendan Myers is writing some great pagan & polytheistic theology. I don’t recall exactly how much he talks about monotheism vs. polytheism, but I would look at The Other Side of Virtue and The Earth, the Gods, and the Soul.
(Still white dudes, alas.)
Very interesting! Thank you so much. I wasn’t aware of these and will definitely look at them. Having some white blokes on the reading list is alright, I just don’t want it to be 100% white Christian blokes…
Toast Toast Toast! I very very rarely am online in open thread times due to living on the wrong side of the world, so am so thrilled to get to drop by and just express my appreciation for how wonderful y’all are. I lurk pretty dedicatedly and all of you commentators make my day pretty regularly. Thanks!
A+ username!!
That walrus looks perfectly cromulent to me!
Greetings!!
Open Dee Dee Thread!
Final Chapter: Dee Dee found her forever home with her original owner (RF for short)! When Dee Dee finished her 30 days of professional training with rider Christy, RF started riding Dee Dee as a favour to me (he’s an amazing horseman and it killed him watching Christy ride Dee Dee but because of his health issues, he couldn’t take the chance of being dumped and having his defibrillator and pacemaker popping out of his chest). RF found that he really enjoyed riding Dee Dee and offered to trade his super broke mare Abby for her.
So happy trails for everyone! And thank you, Toasties, for listening and all your positive feedback! You guys are the best!
Congrats to you and Dee Dee!
Hurrah!
Anyone want to talk about zines? Anyone here make zines, or read them? What are your favorites? I just started cataloging zines that were donated to our library, and I’m very excited about them! They also make me want to create my own zines!
Zines! I make zines and read zines! I go to a lot of small press comics shows (the zines I am into tend to be heavily illustration/comics focused). I’ve been really into Frontier recently: http://www.youthindecline.com/frontier
I volunteered at a zine library for a few years and it was so fun! I made one of my own at a 24 hour zine challenge, and I’ve also made a few as christmas gifts for my sisters (lots of inside jokes, so very limited audience).
I like zines although I’m not sure if I “get” zines. I’ve backed a couple on Kickstarter! And I like seeing them online. Even though I don’t know what they “are,” I would like to make one or be part of one, somehow.
Not to tell you what to do with your life, but I’d be fascinated to read a piece on your observations on this large body of donated zines, maybe published on a cool feminist/literary website that we maybe frequent?
Seconding this request. I’m an Old, so ‘zines were my Toast in my ’20’s. A way to have a voice when nobody’s listening, and find people who could hear and maybe share it. I was not very successful at it, but the joy and the community were life-giving.
My stuff arrived on Monday, stuff that’s been packed up and stored for at least two years, and it’s like Christmas at my house! Anticipation, happiness, surprise, delight – and a few WTF is this? – and a whole lot of packaging thrown around. I am glad to have everything in one place again but will be even more glad once it’s all unpacked and sorted. There is stuff I definitely don’t need anymore and luckily the women’s centre thrift shop is accepting donations (small town, minimal options for donating good used items) so everything will find a home somewhere.
So last night, apropos of nothing as we were going to sleep, my fiancé said, “Do you want to start going by Theo? Because I’ll call you that if you want. I know you don’t like your birth name and Theo suits you. And you like it.”
And I am terrible at making major life decisions when given prep time, let alone on the fly, so I said no, no, keep going the way it’s been. I told him I that I don’t like my name, but I do like the way it sounds when he says it. (Which is true.)
But.
But that’s kind of a huge thing.
I mean, it’s zero secret that I like the name Theo more than my real(?) name, but that’s a huge offer to make and now it takes off the table the whole “I can’t actually consider going by anything else because I’m doing fine enough as is and I’m irrationally concerned that my dude would be uncomfortable with that change so long into this relationship” thing. (Rationally, his potential discomfort is not a good reason to not do a thing. Rationally, I had been pretty sure that wasn’t a factor. Rationally, I know he’s insanely kind and caring and understanding. But I like finding less rational reasons to avoid making decisions I find terrifying.)
So.
God.
Well.
Has anyone here been through this whole thing before on any level?
(. . . Also, I realize the chances that he’s gonna stumble on this comment are not entirely zero, so if so: Hey! Zup, dude.)
I went by my middle name for awhile as a kid because I didn’t like my first name, and by and large everyone was pretty cool and respectful of it; although I generally only did it when I met new people, I just introduced myself the way I wanted. It’s pretty easy, and if anyone asks why you don’t go by ‘birthname’ just say, I just prefer ‘newname’. A few people might push but when they ask why you prefer it just say ‘I just do.’
Growing up around many lesbian and non binary women, I actually knew a lot of people who either had nickname’s or had just full on changed their name and everyone just went with it.
So yeah, names are a complicated and personal thing and if its something you really want then go for it! Especially if your partner is already on board then he can support you in pushing for it with all your other friends/family. Plus Theo is a great name!
Thanks!
I think part of my hesitation comes from the fact that I already know the level of Not Okay my family would be with that. (If you ever want to know what the farthest right side of the Tea Party is thinking, have dinner with them and you’ll find out without having to ask.)
So they (my mother especially) are pretty cartoonishly hilariously (aggressively and frighteningly) opposed to anything that even remotely has an undercurrent of not adhering to their rules of traditional gender roles, which is something I think I’ve kind of babbled about on here at some point in the past. Because of that, they’d probably be the last on the list to know if I continue down this path, and even if I do ever ask them to call me something other than the name they gave me, I am almost positive they would not do it.
(It’s not the greatest family, tbh. For enough reasons to fill a Russian novel at this point, putting things like politics/personal beliefs totally aside.)
I feel you. Got a similar family. I’m so sorry. I am almost completely cis-het, but I still get grief from the fam about my name.
I dared to keep the name my parents gave me, even though I got married to a man. I told my mother to quit going on about it and just call me whatever makes her happy, just remember that the rest of the world knows me only by the name *she* put on my birth certificate. She had to use my own name when looking for me in a hospital, for example. Been married 20 years now and mother still sends me birthday cards, commemorating the day *she* named me, addressed to Mrs HisFirst HisLast. Neither of my names appears on the envelope.
So, yeah, I feel your frustration. It must be so much harder for you, I imagine, since you seem more gender-nonconforming than I am. You have my support to nonconform the hell out of who you are. Not that you need anything from me. Just wanna say GO BE YOU. Family be damned.
I legally changed my name when I was 20. It’s a big deal, and a little scary (and NGL, my parents were not happy), but it was so empowering. The best advice I can give you is if/when you do it, do it when you know you can (and will) be psychologically ready to stop responding to your own name. Naming yourself is somehow not entirely acceptable in our society and you need to be ready for push-back. Let yourself be strong. Let your fiance support you.
That is awesome.
I’ve always thought that naming yourself should be a generally acceptable concept, but then again, I’m probably biased 🙂
We have such a bizarre and contradictory relationship with names, don’t we? I mean, it’s all “just a name” until you ask people to change their own habit of what they call you and then they’re all “why are you so weird” and “it just doesn’t feel right.”
Best wishes to you as you navigate this!
I have a very classic given name with lots of nicknames that have lots of spelling permutations (I was named to honor two of my great-grandmothers). My mother immediately gave me a diminutive nickname with an unconventional spelling. The diminutive and the spelling started to chafe around age 10, and I started experimenting with different nickname forms. By the time I was 13, I had landed on the short form and spelling that I still use today, although in my early 20s I experimented for a few years with the full formalness of my given name.
At each turn, new people called me by the name I asked them to, friends had varying levels of difficulty in adopting the changes although no one was a jerk about it, and my mom called me the little-girl name well into my twenties.
I say if your guy is open to it, try on the name and test drive it at home. If it seems to fit well, socialize it with your closest friends. Maybe someday you’ll decide to legalize it and maybe you won’t, but for now just take the first baby step and see how it goes. ((hug))
Most people go by several names to their closest friends, families, partners. Now, often these are nicknames with deep backstory, or something someone said one day that just stuck, or some strange term of endearment. This is normal (not that that matters).
So, if you ask your fiance to call you Theo, not necessarily all of the time, you won’t get mad if he calls you something else, it doesn’t need to be all at once, but when it seems right to him, that could be a good way to figure out how you feel about it without much risk. Does your heart sing when he calls you Theo? Do you respond faster? Do you wish it was something other people did? And then you can use that information to make a bigger, maybe scarier decision about asking other people to call you Theo, or changing it legally. If it doesn’t work, nothing lost, you just ask him to stop.
If people ask? It’s a nickname. It’s something you’re trying, something he calls you sometimes, something some people call you. People understand that. If you want to switch? It’s only as big a deal as you make it. If you feel really really strongly about Theo, you make it non-negotiable, you stop answering to other names, and it may be uncomfortable at first but things will settle down. If you just sort of prefer it, well, you introduce yourself to new people as Theo, you ask people to start calling you Theo, maybe even give a few gentle reminders, but if you honestly don’t mind THAT much when people call you the old name, then you honestly wont’ mind when people call you the old name, and eventually it will turn into some sort of childhood nickname that family and OLD friends call you, but not a big deal.
And people get that too— think about the people who did high school as Katie, but became Kate or Kat in college. or Danny in middle school, but Dan in high school.
Do what makes you feel most comfortable, most YOU, and if that means starting slow, start slow. But people do fundamentally GET names changing, ESPECIALLY when it’s framed as a nickname thing, an opt-in thing, a “my closest friends call me Theo, don’t you want to think you’re a close friend” thing. Pronouns get trickier, thornier, you get weirder reactions. But you don’t have to make your choices all at once.
Hello Toasties!
Im going to do a very long Daisy Takes on College post because so much has happened over the past week….
Last Friday I moved into a very purple room. My decoupaged pegboard and 1940s clock/chalkboard look so snazzy, and my roommate and I has the same bedspread and purple lights in the windows. At night our window looks so pretty. My lifesize Zac-Efron-as-Link-Larkin-in-Hairspray poster is awfully beautiful too. My neighbors are the happiest peppiest people ever and keep me up late in a good way as in with laughter.
Saturday we went to a summer camp for a Leadership retreat/orientation thingy. it was exhausting, Katie (my roommate) and I never spent more than 3 hours apart. We’re best friends, which is lucky.
Sunday was more of exhausting social events and lectures
Monday we finally got back.
Tuesday Katie and I stayed in the room and recharged our introvert batteries. Thank the lord for Agnes Scott’s decent wifi. We skype Katie’s super super cute friend all the time and I think Im crushing on him which is a recipe for disaster. Im sure it will pass. Also our room is very popular with visitors because it is so “cute” and also Im the only girl in the dorm with a record player (and an extensive collection of Julie Andrews and R&H musicals)
Wednesday brought the first day of classes. English 110 was super easy, the entire course is based on graphic memoirs so Persepolis and Fun Home are our textbooks, which is amazing. I also had Acting, which was fine since Ive yet to observe any Social Anxiety symptoms since I moved in. Whenever I visited here I never had any symptoms.
Thursday I had Dramatic Leadership which was AMAZING. We’re reading 8 plays, from Oedipus Rex to Book of Mormon. Im currently trying to wrap my Catholic mind around Doubt. I also had Intro to Queer Studies, which is such an interesting concept. “The word queer is meant to destabilize” ugh I love it.
Today I had English again and then in a bit Im going to my Global Leadership class and then Im taking a nap.
The food is excellent, I had the best bread pudding since I left Germany today. no ramen….yet.
THANK YOU so much for encouraging me, toasties. I think I can actually keep my scholarship.
Happy to hear the update!
Your room sounds fantastic, and it’s great to know you’re surrounded by so many good people.
I just started Persepolis yesterday – how incredible to be able to study it.
i learned a new word recently and i now feel it for college. you continue with your very long Daisy Takes on College posts and i shall read each with ultimate sehnsucht. it sounds exactly like college should be <3
Sehnsucht is one of my favorite German to English words I learned in Germany. It’s not very often you find a beautiful German word.
Not long ago a bunch of toasties were talking about reusable cotton pads, so I ordered a couple panty liners to try out. I’ve worn them a bit and I wanted to know–how do you tell when you need to change them? I was spotting irregularly, and the pattern of the fabric made it difficult to judge how saturated the pad had gotten.
I could feel it when my pad needed changing. That is, when fully clothed, pad in its proper place. I can feel when it is struggling to do its job. That’s when I would go to the toilet and put on a fresh one. Also, I would give myself a fresh pad whenever I just wanted to. Menstruating is hard enough. I get to feel fresh as often as I want to if I’m using washable pads.
My pads came this week – I’m waiting for my big chance to use them. How do you like yours? Where did you get them? What kind did you get? Are they comfortable? *so many questions*
I just got pantyliners, one from Annybell’s Essentials and one from Yurtcraft. I’m still not sure how I feel about them. As I said, I’m having trouble telling how saturated they are–this was especially a problem because at the time I thought I was just dealing with a bit of spotting (I wasn’t due for another week!) but it unexpectedly got heavier and I ended up soaking through the fleece. I was at home, so it wasn’t a big deal, but I do feel a bit more paranoid now.
I do like that they have more coverage than disposable pantyliners and more comfortable than plastic pads. You know how sometimes you;re having one of those dodgy days where the bleeding might be over, or there might be an encore left? I think that’s what I’ll be using these for–it’s infinitely better than dealing with dry plastic *shudders*
I’m still not sure if I want to get more pads, though. I’d really have to stay on top of cleaning/soaking them, because that is totally the sort of thing I’d let slide because I’m feeling tired and crampy and then end up just…forgetting to do it.
I’d really like to hear how they work out for you! I feel bad about all the disposable pads I throw away and I’d like to convince myself to make this work 😀
I’m reading my second Gretchen Rubin book – she is the “Happiness Project” person, and seems to have a small happiness industry going now. I enjoy her writing, and the whole intellectual/experimental approach she takes to examine and increase happiness.
http://gretchenrubin.com/#
And I’m thinking I’m going to try her month long project approach over the next few months.
I’m going to start with Food in September; and my goals are:
Groceries
Watch sugar intake
Prepare the day before
Try new recipes
Groceries: Get the shopping done so that it’s easy to make meals. Buy what I like (there is a piece in Rubin’s first book where someone says they buy anything they like in the grocery store because that’s always cheaper than eating out) I already have the fridge cleaned out; and to tackle the cupboards for stuff that should be just thrown out.
Sugar: trying to be aware of all the places it’s hidden, and cut down. (still reeling from watching That Sugar Film)
Prepare the day before: breakfasts and lunches especially; soaking beans, planning ahead for busy nights
Try new recipes: I have so many great cookbooks; and have fallen out of the habit of reading/using them.
So… Is anyone else interested? In talking about food for September, or happiness projects more generally?
I constantly tell myself I’m going to get on the new recipe train, and then regularly fall off again. I’m up for trying again though! I also need to clean out and organize my pantry. I’m thinking that perhaps I’ll schedule some time with Mr. Thuja on Sunday to work on that and also on making a list of what’s in the freezer.
I feel so much better with a cleaned out fridge. Threw out some old hot sauces and jam.
I might aim for one new recipe a week?
That seems like a good goal. I can definitely join in on that (especially if we then share said recipes in open threads!)
I am 100% on board for recipe sharing! 🙂
I’m interested, too!
I joined a CSA where they give you a mixed box of fruits and vegetables every week, and they’re kind of piling up on me.
That sounds really nice, I’m going to look at her site. And I’m always up for talking about food. I want to try at least one new recipe a week in September. We’ll see how it goes!
I’m thinking one recipe a week too! I definitely have cookbooks that I’ve read more than cooked from.
OOooh, I did a Gretchen Rubin-style Happiness Project a couple of years ago, and I think it might be time again. And food is a great thing to start with, because hoo boy this past week I have felt the eating disorder sitting outside the door like a vampire waiting to be invited in.
Please accept giant hugs and a bowl of garlicky food of your choice to ward off disordered vampires.
Any goals for you? Do you need to pay more attention to eating or less?
I need to do fun eating, I think. I used to cook a lot; any more I mostly scrounge. I think I shall make it a goal to make at least one recipe-based meal a week: something with enough ingredients and flavor to keep me interested. Which requires planning ahead, which requires meal-planning and organized grocery shopping. That’s a pretty good set of goals, I think.
Yay for fun eating! Sometimes I get stuck in my head somehow and have to give myself permission to eat nice things that I really like. And not ‘save’ the ‘good’ cheese* in the fridge until it goes moldy. What the hell am I ‘saving’ cheese for?
My partner is very low carb right now; so the two nights I didn’t eat with him I treated myself to the nice pierogies from the european deli with allllll the sour cream. (And salad. Or whatever. But mostly perogies!)
*I had some of the good cheese with my breakfast this morning. Just because. And I squashed down the irrational guilt about it.
Oh God I thought I was the only one who does this.
I also do this. And then I am sad that I wasted good cheese.
Oh! And!
Can you share more about your Happiness Project? Did you work monthly? On what kinds of things?
I actually did mine as a religious practice (I’m neopagan) and on checking out the relevant blog posts I see that I bombed after about five months. Which, really, isn’t too bad for a long-term project for me…
I didn’t focus solely on religious things, though, but on all the aspects of my life I felt were a little out of control at the time, and I didn’t set really firm goals as much as I gave myself something serious to think about for the month. It was still helpful, I think; I certainly did iron out a few things that haven’t given me nearly as much grief since. Other things, well…
That sounds great!
I would say I’m a good cook, but haven’t been cooking nearly as much as I should recently (due to a combination of laziness and long/ stressful work hours).
The part where I’m really falling down at the moment is planning meals in advance. I know it’s easier (and a lot cheaper) in the long run to do it that way, but I get overwhelmed by choices when I look at my vast array of cookbooks, recipe websites, etc.
Do you have one of her five-year journals? They’re super fun as well. I’m a year and a half into one and it’s fun to reminisce about what I was doing and feeling last year. My sister is four years into one and it’s amazing!
Way to go on your happiness journey!
I saw those on teh shelf, and was tempted, but worried it would be yet another started and abandoned journal.
Maybe it’s a “Be Gretchen” things. I want to be a person who keeps a journal. I’m not sure I really am a person who will ever keep a journal.
To follow up on last week, some Android: Netrunner news!
The good news: I bought the core set! I made decks! I went to Netrunner night at my local board game cafe!
The bad news: I am really terrible at Netrunner. That’s ok, I’m sure I will get better with practice. Also, weeknight events at the board game cafe that’s hard to get to/from by transit have a major downside, though I pretty much already knew that.
The further good news: Despite losing all my games and sometimes forgetting rules, I had fun! Also a comic shop that’s slightly easier to get to is going to hold a Netrunner event on a Sunday afternoon next month, and might make it a regular thing if it goes well. And the board game cafe is opening another location soon that will be easier to get to, so I’m hoping there will be some netrunning there.
I’ve been attending a Netrunner group for a couple months now, it’s such a good game if you can get into it, and in my experience the community is very nice. If you had fun while still losing games, that’s a great sign.
I’m glad you are enjoying the game! If you ever want to play more there is a really good web client. It’s jinteki.net, and the people on it are really nice. If you ever want advice I could play with you on it. I just love this game so much and I wish more people in my area played.
I’d love to play against you on jinteki! I looked at it a little, but I haven’t actually signed up and tried it yet.
Does it enforce the rules? Because that would be really helpful, since I’m still working on getting some of the details to stick in my brain.
It’s mostly automated, especially the more basic rules. Some of the cards don’t work right, but the community is good about working with you and making sure all the cards trigger right. It’s honestly pretty easy to use and the community is helpful. My user name is namelessmonk and my Gmail is the same thing with @Gmail.com behind it if you want to message me to play.
Excellent! I shall email you or message you on jinteki or something.
Also, I mostly remembered the rules at my local Netrunner night last night, so I’m less worried now.
Hello Toasticles!
Our daughter is now in kindergarten and so far she loves her science-focused magnet school. So do we! But there is a lot of busy associated with it because part of what makes it so amazing is that there is a lot of parent volunteering and financial contributions and stuff. But she has had 3 music classes and her first science class and is just over the moon with getting to touch snakes and learn about crayfish and stuff.
The baby is now almost three and likes his preschool and has discovered ‘before’ and ‘after’ so can now make plans like: ‘after this we will go mine home and I will play cars and I will play railroad tracks and I will eating eggs.’ He is super opinionated (‘I like flowers! I do not like… this… this sheet!’) and pretty independent and very affectionate and full of energy.
We are sick in our body and have been for weeks which means probably a sinus infection and if it is still here next week there will be antibiotics. Both our kids had this but they got over it on their own so maybe we will? This weekend? That would be good because our partner is having a birthday party so it is not going to be a restful time. 🙂
I’ve been thinking about all of you. So happy to see you here in the Open Thread. So happy your little ones are in good schools. They both sound adorable. So many sinus infections in my past. My experience is that they go away on their own only when I can rest for 3 consecutive days. Maybe you’re all made of sterner stuff, though. What I think is universal, though, is the need for extra fluids during a sinus infection. If it’s been more than an hour since you needed to pee, drink some more. Wishing you all a speedy recovery and more time to rest.
Oh, this past week has been So Much. Awesome things have happened and Not Awesome things have happened and I took a personal day on Monday and I’m taking a sick day today because I Just Can Not.
Toasties, what do you do when you feel overwhelmed? Overwhelmed by possibilities, and choices, and good things and bad things? Is it okay if I eat a lot of junk food and hide under the covers?
It is not only Okay, it is Highly Recommended.
It is absolutely OK to do that. Lately I like to color in an adult coloring book when I am overwhelmed, or paint my nails with sparkly fun colors. I am glad you are taking a sick day!
Pyjamas & fanfiction & cups of tea day!
At my last job, I did that a couple of times. When you’ve hit your limit, you know it, and acknowledging it is the first step towards moving past it.
Is it okay if I eat a lot of junk food and hide under the covers?
YES. Just don’t…stay there?
Take care of yourself, bb.
Personally, I panic! Ahaha. Ha.
(And then I take a mental health day. So I think you’re doing the right thing!)
My general reaction to life is:
Step 1: Panic
Step 2: Hide
Step 3: Realize nothing can be accomplished by panicking and hiding.
Step 4: Be a badass and get shit done.
Do whatever makes your heart happy. The key is to set a limit. If I didn’t set a limit, I would still be hiding under the covers two weeks later. What works for me is to ask a friend to meet me for lunch/supper in a couple days. Otherwise, I cannot be trusted to get out of bed.
That’s what I do. And either re-read favourite books or re-watch favourite TV/movies.
Cat thread? Show me your babies!
And gaze upon my own manspreading asshole of a cat and poor, suffering Gertie.
Manspreader is so beautiful, though…
Yes, Atticus is a VERY HANDSOME BOY. But very bad. Baddicus, even.
BELLY LOOKIT THAT BELLY
Oh Gertie, she looks stoic. That’s quite a twist man-spreader is spreading….
She is remarkably tolerant! Although this was the scene about one minute later:
Kismet commandeered my book last night. She’s lucky she’s cute.
Moxie learned to climb a ladder!
“LADDERS ARE SO GREAT THEY MAKE ME SO TALL IT’S LIKE CLIMBING A TREE BUT NOT SO HARD TO GET DOWN”
He looks like he’s searching the horizon for his One True Moose!
What magnificent whiskers!
We moved nine days ago and my cuddlier cat has decided to live behind the washing machine. 🙁 I miss her. She does eat and appears to be using the box, and once in awhile gives a truly pitiful miaow and I feel like the worst catmom in the world. It’s the hiding-est place in the whole unit–in a little alcove and so deep, with the W/D stacked on top of each other.
My other cat has gotten fairly intrepid, though:
Aww! I am sure elusive cat will come out when she’s ready. Moving sucks for everyone, but congratulations on having it behind you!
Edited to add that the exposed wood beams in your new place are gorgeous!
Amazingly, when I finally got home yesterday, she was just nonchalantly hanging out in the bathroom!!
Thanks! I was super excited when I found it; I love the beams and brickwork.
Here is mine, with her legs crossed at the ankle as a lady does:
And enjoying the sun, but this time in a decidedly less lady-like manner
I was sitting at the table and not paying nearly enough attention to Klaas-Jan so
IT IS NOT FRIDAY, I’M SORRY.
This weekend’s theme is tarot + cats. Janie likes to check out my books now, and Pye hungout on top of some cards I’ve been in the (slow) process of trimming.
(these get posted to my instagram & blog, hence the watermarking!)
I may end up reposting these next week? But don’t worry, I have plenty of kitten photos…
I made it to LA! I’m alive! I have a place to live! I’ve been here for almost two months and nothing terrible has happened (knock on wood)! And I am completely paralyzed by fear and indecision and loneliness.
but on the plus side I found a gym where I can learn to punch stuff, so that’s good?
That is very good! The gym, I mean, not the lonely.
Welcome!!! LA Toastie get together?
GYM, FITNESS, EXERCISE, SPORTS Thread!
Oh my sweet lil toasties, I finally did it! I squatted 200lbs, my new years goal from 2014. I am so happy and proud of myself!!
I even took a video: https://instagram.com/p/6stMezoGC_/
When I first started three years ago, my max was 87lbs. I’ve worked so hard and can’t wait to keep working!
YESSS
WOOOHOOO
I REALLY want to get into doing barbell exercises at the gym but am super nervous about form. And not sure I trust the ‘personal trainers’ at my gym, who seem to lead people around doing bizarre aerobics in the weight rooms. I’m also super frustrated about squatting and deadlifting– I really want to do them, but my body is the perfect storm of anterior pelvic tilt, VERY tight/short hamstrings, and a short-ass torso. I feel like I need to do six months of stretching before I could even think about squatting properly. 🙁
If you want, you could take a video of yourself doing an air squat (just your body, no weights) and send it to me? (I’m in no way certified, but I could give you some tips probably?). Do PMs exist in this? I don’t know how to give you my email address.
OR you could post here and we could be like reddit’s fitness thread and give each other feedback?
Wow thank you! That would be awesome! Unfortunately, and this is embarrassing, I can’t even do a full air squat properly. Whenever I try to get down low enough I fall over. Like, my legs can’t bend enough. I feel like I’m a particularly inflexible 80-year-old.
you could try squatting while holding onto a post of some sort. That would help you stretch through the range of motion (trying to go deeper every time) without worrying about balance.
(Like this, but dont worry if you’re not as deep for a while: The Pole Squat. http://breakingmuscle.com/mobility-recovery/squat…
I deadlifted 125lbs! Hells yeah.
Now I’m eating a rice crispy square.
I’m 2 classes away from completing my goal of doing 20 yoga classes in August. I now have defined deltoids, I can hold downward-facing dog for a long time before I get tired, and I did about 1/2 a second of crow at my lunchtime class today 🙂
Super awesome!!! I have decided to do a daily yoga challenge for myself for September. It is inspiring to hear about your successes, in part because it makes me feel like I can do it!
I’m still a beginner, but I can tell there’s a huge difference in how strong I am from a month ago. I had been going to classes 2x a week pretty regularly for about a year, and a month of focusing on it still made a difference.
So off/on karate mom here. Was very good before accident/divorce 6 years ago, but a beginner. Now people who started when I did (but had no family drama or lifetime injuries) are black belts. Out of desperation for some stress relief I started back up, and I’m testing for my next belt (nowhere near black) at 7:30 pm EST next Thursday. I have a LOT of practicing to do before then! Especially remembering all my drills. But I WILL do this.
Can’t wait to hear how your test goes on Thursday! We believe in you!!
My trainer and I ran through an ass-kicking new routine on Monday, oh man it was awful and wonderful, and I felt like a million bucks for getting through it (helloooo endorphins). Then I leaned over to put lotion on my legs on Tuesday morning and something in my sacrum went *bink* and I said some swears and now I’m taking a week for just yoga and gentle stretching. Getting older is not for wimps!
After about 8 months of avoiding the gym, I have gone back. It’s super disappointing seeing how much strength I’ve lost, and morning workouts are hard to motivate myself for but after-work workouts are so busy with muscle-shirted bros that off-putting. I know once I get into a rhythm again it’ll be fine and I’ll enjoy it again, but it’s turning out to be pretty hard to get myself into it at this point 🙁
I’ve started biking to work, oh my goodness. It’s about 20km each day. I am sleeping very, very well.
Hair question!
I have very thin, fine, straight hair. For most of my life I’ve had it long and haven’t bothered doing much of anything to style it. A while ago, I got it cut to a chin-length bob and…still mostly didn’t do anything to it. Then, the other day, I went to get it trimmed again and the stylist was not great and cut it too short and now it definitely needs styling or it will look like a limp blob on the side of my face (or worse, flip *outwards*). I bought a round brush and am working on getting it to curl under, which is going okay. But I still feel like I need some help.
So…tips on how to do the blowdrying-round brush combo to get it to have some volume and curl under better? Product suggestions? I’ve basically never used any hair products besides shampoo and conditioner in my life and have no idea what to do.
Also, I have a baby (almost toddler), so this has to not take so long that the baby gets bored of us being in the bathroom, and any product I use has to be not something nasty-chemically that might be bad for him.
I have very similar hair, and have the same flippy out problem! I can’t use a round brush, but I have had good luck with a straightening iron. I do a salt water spray, to give some texture and volume, at my roots, and blow dry, then straighten and muss up, then set with some hairspray.
I have that hair. Make sure your conditioner goes only on the ends, never near your scalp. That does a lot for volume. Next, experiment with products. Apply product to damp hair, then use a metal-barrelled round brush with your blow dryer. I found mousse had the best hold for me. Granted, nothing provides hold for our hair for long. Accept that. It’s a good reason to limit the time spent trying to coerce hair like ours. It’s gonna be fine and limp at the end of the day, no matter what you do. Product, round brush, and blow dryer can delay that state for a few hours only.
ETA: Begin blowdrying by bending at waist, with head upside down. Focus heat on roots, which already have product on them. That provides the only hope of volume we have.
ohhh we have the same hair it sounds like! I’ve gotten into using a texturizing spray and just kind of fluffing and messing it around while I blow dry, then once it’s dry working some volumizing powder (it’s from a company called Schwarzkopf that sells at drug stores and the like. The brand apparently has different names in different countries, but in Canada it’s called “got2b” and the product is “POWDER’ful”). The result is kind of a loose, volumized texture, rather than waves. It’s less polished looking than a neat curl under, but it’s fairly on-trend at the moment and looks fine even as it gets messed up during the day.
I’ve seen that POWDER’ful stuff (I too have this type of hair) and just…can’t figure out how to put it in? I’ve tried volumizing powders that need to be rubbed in one’s hands, according to the instructions, and then I find they sort of turn into glue and won’t spread into my hair. Am I just doing it wrong?
You could be! I know I was. I found following the instructions here made it turn out way better: http://www.thesmallthingsblog.com/2011/11/how-to-…
My mom has very fine hair, and I know she’s found some volume-inducing shampoo & conditioner she likes, but I don’t know what it is. It might be worth trying something, though.
She also had a perm at one point, but that was the eighties, and I was too small to have a good memory of whether it worked, and also I guess she probably had a stylist she liked, so probably that’s not a good option and I shouldn’t have bothered mentioning it.
I have learned from the Toast that you don’t need as much hair as you might think to make tiny low pigtails, so that might be something to try.
Hi! I also have very fine, very straight, very limp hair that just lays flat and looks terrible if I don’t do anything to it.
When I had a chin-length bob, I did exactly as you are doing: blow dry while using a round brush. Little bit of very light mouse rubbed in while damp. Extra blowing on the end part curled around the brush, since at medium to high heat you’re essentially curling it like a curling iron would. This worked fine, but took a long time.
I started getting it cut shorter and shorter, and I strongly recommend this. I’m at pixie-length now and I LOVE IT. Literally the only drawback is that I have to get it cut more often for maintenance, but I go to a student salon to keep the cost down.
At every short length from mid-cheek to pixie, I use light hold hair wax or hair putty. Sort of rub in it with your fingers while damp, tousle and shape with fingers, air dry. If you have a nice textured cut it should hold its shape for a few hours; I reactivate by wetting my fingers and re-tousling later in the day.
I have the same hair! It’s long now and actually more manageable that way, but I’ve had it bobbed for years. I have a round brush that has a gold/metal core that allows me to heat it up with the hair dryer. That really helps with getting the ends to curl under better. I tried so many different kinds of sprays and none of them ever did much for me other than make my hair feel kind of gross, so now I just put some argan oil on the ends once or twice a week to keep them from getting too dry.
Your hair sounds very similar to mine and I’m currently growing out a bob (mostly styling it with a deep waver but I know the pain of the flip out). I have round brushed/ blow-dried my hair in the past but I am really am way too lazy for that so I love my hot brush http://www.amazon.com/John-Frieda-Salon-Shape-Bru… because it does everything all at once. Highly recommended.
I have the same hair!! I usually let it air dry after throwing some hair oil or cream (bumble n bumble has a good air dry cream that I like).
A straightening iron is also your friend here. Just dry it normally while your iron heats, and then swipe it straight/inwards with the iron. This will be a lot faster/easier than doing the whole round brush thing, which I have always found annoying.
For volume, its also easy to make quick, wide waves with a curling iron and then hold it with a mousse/sea salt spray (I would youtube this!). Hair that normally won’t hold waves when its long will curl/wave up when short because there’s no length to drag it down.
I found this stuff and it is great for bringing out texture in my baby-like hair: http://andalou.com/index.php/haircare/style/age-d…
(good even for ppl without thinning hair)
I have very fine hair that just breaks off when it get shoulder-length. I have gone for literally years without a haircut because it just doesn’t get longer than that. (Naturally, because I can’t grow my hair long, that’s what I’ve always wanted.) What did help was conditioning just the ends and blow-drying upside down. In the end I just got it cut really short and now I get out of the shower, run my fingers through it, and forget it for the rest of the day.
Happy Birthday, Nikki’s dad!
How is he doing?
Toasties, I came home from an amazing vacation in Japan to discover on the second day of classes of my final year that the notorious school bully has somehow shoehorned his way into an appointment in my denomination despite knowing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about our history, polity, or theology. I am beyond astounded at this turn of events. It’s like getting ready for bed and discovering a rattlesnake under the covers.
I have taken some initial discreet steps to raise a red flag about this. He has bullied numerous women at the school but somehow gotten away with it because the president likes him. I thought this shit would end when I was graduated, but now I find myself questioning if I want to continue to pursue ordination if he is going to be a colleague. Ugh. Just ugh.
Does your denomination have a sexual abuse and harassment policy?
Yes. I am hoping that he won’t get past the initial interview, checks, and assessments, but if it comes to that, yes.
If you need support around this; ping me by email – beachlass/gmail.
It snuck up on me, but in two weeks I’m heading to DC for a few days of vacation! My husband and has never been and recently I’ve just been going for work. We’re staying three nights in an AirBNB apartment just a bit east of the National Mall, then to Alexandria together for the last night, then I’m in meetings in Alexandria all week and he’s back home. Where should we eat? What Smithsonians are the secret best and worst? What is fun to do as a break from museums and monuments?
I love the Freer Sackler galleries: http://www.asia.si.edu/
The botanical garden is small enough to see in an hour or two, relaxing, and never seems as crowded as the big museums. They have an entire room of orchids AND a corpse-flower as seen on The Butter this week!
http://www.usbg.gov
Carry water, wear wicking fabrics, and prioritize indoor activities, especially after 11 a.m. DC is still the swamp it used to be when it comes to weather. August is the worst. Don’t get caught out in the damp heat for longer than your body can handle. Have fun while keeping cool.
The National Zoo is THE BEST THING, though you may not want to be outside much if DC is still doing its swampy buttcrack thing in a few weeks.
It’s not on the Mall and it’s not free, but the National Museum of Women in the Arts is definitely worth the price of admission. (I found out about it on the Toast! http://the-toast.net/2015/05/01/womens-history-si… )
Also, the cafeteria at the Museum of the American Indian is amazing. As is the museum, but that’s more self-explanatory, whereas I usually skip museum food.
I went to DC for the first time about a month ago. If you get a chance, I’d recommend popping in the National Museum of Art, even if you only have time to see the concourse–there are conveyor-belt walkways that are BOUNCY. And the gift shop has umbrellas with art prints on them and holographic postcards. And the concourse has a great gelato place–I really liked the zuppa flavor.
Old ad pictures! I have two this week, although I’ll put the second in a comment so it’s not a huge monitor eating post. First: did you know the evil of spoons? Now you do!
And secondly, I want to know exactly what ranking system was used to decide this.
I am not pregnant! Joy and hallelujah! And I had a really good review at work after stressing about it for a month straight. Tonight is a night for summer beers and video games!
So, SOMEHOW I managed to miss the suffragette column from some time ago (what on EARTH was I doing that day that I didn’t see it?!). Anyhow, I wanted to give a high-five and shoutout to blushingflower because I too am a Douglass fan and will carry that banner forever. I must also add Angelina Grimke because I didn’t see anyone mention her anywhere! I made my ex watch ‘The Abolitionists’ with me because I said to her, you won’t believe this, but I found someone who was like a proto-intersectional feminist! In the 1800s! I really need to find a copy of the book she wrote.
Oh, shit, you guys, I completely forgot to mention earlier–I saw American Ultra on Sunday and I loved it! Apparently it’s not doing well in theaters which is a damn shame (and more a result of terrible promotional efforts than a reflection of the film’s quality). Kristen Stewart lovers, definitely check it out. Her character and Connie Britton’s are really really great.
I saw an article yesterday about Max Landis taking to twitter to moan/speculate about reasons for its poor performance at the box office. I hadn’t heard pretty much anything about it, and 1) reading his complaining and 2) my generally negative feelings about him discouraged me further, BUT a positive review on the toast actually balances things out. Maybe I’ll check it out! Thanks!
I don’t know anything about him so I can’t speak to 2), but I read his complaints and I agree with him about that issue at least. He got zero support from Lionsgate, from what I can tell, and I think it’s true that movies without an alternate media tie-in or big-name-stars are getting screwed over.
It’s a really, really good movie. I think Kristen Stewart and Jessie Eisenberg are quietly becoming two of the better actors of their generation.
Their chemistry was amazing. They didn’t burn up the screen, but I was 100% convinced those characters really loved each other. And that’s actually…more impressive?
I was unaware of this movie entirely, and your comment made me look up the trailer and convince Mr Lass to go to a movie today.
Yay!
I hope you liked it!
Tomorrow’s the last episode of Hannibal (unless another platform sees the Twitter cries of OH GOD, WHY and realizes how very much they need to pick this show up). I’m not ok with this. Livetweeting during the show’s been a really great part of my week, and this show fucks with my head in just the right way.
SOMEBODY HELP WILL GRAHAM continue to get storylines and dogs and maybe have the occasional nice day.
I’m still in season 2 and I feel like I’m missing a Cultural Moment by not being caught up for the season (I refuse to believe series) finale.
If you pull an all-nighter, you could probably catch up in time. Although I shudder to think of the dreams you’d have after marathoning a season and a half of Hannibal.
Tooooooaaaasts, some new friends of mine were going roller skating and I thought it would be a fun way to get some exercise but instead I made it halfway around the rink and then fell down and BROKE MY ARM, and then I spent three days in the ER because the hospital was too crowded for me to get a room and I had to have surgery to get two plates put in and now I’m stuck in his giant heavy cast (hopefully only for another couple days, thank everything) and I can’t sleep and all my sheets and clothes are sweaty and disgusting and I’m going to be off work for at least four more weeks for pt and I miss my mom and I hate everything. (good things: I’m right-handed & broke my left arm; I have insurance; I’ve been approved for FMLA, so at least I won’t lose my job (although a lot of this time off will probably be unpaid); I just got a roommate for unrelated financial reasons so this won’t be as much of a financial hit as it might have been. Still, though.)
Oh no, that’s terrible! Sending good vibes to your poor arm bones!
JFC, bb.
<3 <3
OH NO! Ugh that’s awful. 🙁 Maybe the new roommate cat will become your bff while you are laid up.
Hi Toasties! I’ve been lurking around here for about a year and finally worked up the courage to venture into the comments section (although I think I’ve missed the peak Open Thread hours xP). I’m a sophomore biology major at a Large Stressful Research University in the US. Some of my favorite authors are Tamora Pierce, Barbara Kingsolver, Hilary Mantel, and Edna St. Vincent Millay and my favorite tea is English Breakfast :D. When I’m not encumbered by homework I like to read, do taekwondo, and cross-stitch.
I’m very excited today because some friends and I recently ordered animal onesies and my giraffe one just arrived. It is adorable and cozy and thoroughly ridiculous. What’s your most recent silly just-for-fun purchase?
I have not yet made the purchase, but I do plan on buying at least one thing from the Bioware store this weekend. Also, yesterday I bought a 1 lb block of beeswax to make spoon butter and possibly also DIY lotions and stuff.
Spoon butter is great. I use a slightly modified version as a hand salve/lip balm, too. I don’t remember what the modification was though …
Welcome! If you’d like you should totally post some cross-stitch photos some open thread!
I bought myself a new plant the other day because my previous plant purchase is still alive after one year. I have never kept plants alive this long before.
Welcome to active posting! I’m married to an Old Biologist: microbiology, biochem, mycology, biodiversity, field work, vaccines, fertility, auto-immune, straight research, manufacturing, and much more. Mostly industry. Though his current work is university-adjacent. Let me know if you need/want any info from Mr Rose.
And I love your giraffe onesie, sight unseen. It’s a happy concept.
Thank you! Mr Rose sounds like someone with a lot of varied experience in the field to draw on. I’d really like to pursue some kind of field-work based career in ecology or conservation biology but I’m wary of going into university-based research (because academia is ugh) so it’s nice to be reminded that other career options in industry and stuff exist.
Please check out Operation Wallacea (opwall.com). If you can give them a few weeks next summer, you will make fantastic contacts in field work, ecology, and biodiversity. Mr Rose volunteers as a genetics instructor with them almost every summer.
:O Wow thank you for pointing this out to me it sounds amazing! The cost might be a prohibitive factor but you never know… I will definitely be investigating this further
Yo, I worked in a conservation genetics lab for about two years, and I have to say that it was one of the more wonderful subgroups of sciencepeople that I have ever seen! There’s lots of cool work that’s done by zoos and also federally sponsored agencies, but it might be tied up with the same nonsense you want to avoid with the university system, I don’t know. I didn’t do field work myself (I am a lab rat) but there was so so so much cool work being done in the group I worked with – Indian wolves, Amazonian bats, savannah elephants, clouded leopards, on and on.
It’s a super cool field I guess is what I’m saying! If you can, apply for summer research fellowships at the Smithsonian – there’s a great conservation group at the National Zoo. They pay pretty decently for internships (or at least they did when I was around). Let me know if you have any questions!
Hallo! OMG YARN. I can’t resist a fun new colour; plus, my fave Little Yarn Shop just had a major sale. I’m so excited for the Crafting Season! What kind of projects are you currently stitching?
Haha my sister and mom are knitters and they are always spending far too much money on fancy special yarns. I’m working on a small quote from Lord of the Rings right now. I started cross-stitching a little over a year ago and took a break because college but I’m trying to get back into the habit of crafting because it’s very calming and helps with my stress
Welcome friend! You should know that you are obligated to post a picture of, or a link to, the animal onesies.
Happy to oblige! I bought it from here (I don’t feel great ordering from Amazon, but I have Student Prime for a few months so what the heck…
And I’ve attempted to embed a selfie with me-as-giraffe below – we’ll see if I can get HTML to work!
It’s too hot to wear right now but it will be the perfect thing to last out the horrid Northeast winters.
ADORABLE.
(I’m a huge Amazon customer despite all the bullshit. 🙁 They make rural life a lot easier.)
Have you read more Hilary Mantel than just the Cromwell ones? If so where do I go when I (sadly) finish these?
Also: welcome!
I’ve read Fludd which I liked a lot and part of Every Day is Mother’s Day which I couldn’t get into as well. The Cromwell ones are definitely my favorites – A Place of Greater Safety is really good, it’s set during the French Revolution instead of Tudor Timez.
Have you read “Beyond Black” yet? A friend calls it her favourite Mantel to date.
No, I haven’t, I’ll add it to my reading list!
purple and black furry monster hood/hat. it’s ridiculous and adorable and so very very warm. also: ridiculous. i love it 🙂
Toasts, I’m wiped out. No more interviews. Now I’m to the point where I’m applying everywhere, even if that means I’ll have to move out of state. Because I had to call my landlord and tell him I can’t pay my rent (it’s over half of my current income from work/child support/alimony, and alimony stops next year). I’m fucked. I’m tyring not to think about it but that combined with the fact that my current job consists of me trying to fill my time with self-training on software but really bashing my head into the wall because our software package/server setup is so bad I’m going backwards. I need full time work NOW.
I’m channeling it all into karate. I test thursday for my next belt. No word on interesting guy, mostly because I have a $12 a week “me” budget and it’s High school football season, so I will be there tonight instead of dancing tomorrow.
It’s also been 50’s and raining, which sucks, since this is August, and it’s supposed to stay in the 90’s and sunny for at least 3 more weeks. it normally does. I’ve had to break out and wear tights to work and turn on the space heater because everybody else in the office is having hot flashes and thus the heat is turned to 60. Please send job mojo.
I am so, so sorry. I’ve been through this, too, and it is a special form of hell. I wish I had practical/magical advice to give you, but you are doing the best you can. Keep going, honey–I wish it didn’t suck so damn hard.
YOU GUYS, it’s been literally several months since I’ve checked in and I’ve missed you all. What I haven’t missed are the following things:
– working in a job that killed my creativity and sense of self, and was boring as fuck.
– pretending to be busy even though I wasn’t and having to hide my internet usage
– the stress of living in a big city
– my horribly job hunt.
Since my move from the mid-Atlantic to small-town Oregon I have started working in my chosen field (nursing) in a fantastic hospital, and the quality of life difference is WHOAH huge. The Best Boo is having similar feelings of excitement about the whole thing.
The downside is, of course, that I don’t have the time to be here with you lovelies. But know that you are in my heart and thoughts, and will try to catch up on how everyone is doing in the near future.
Sincere Warm Regards etc,
Noodge
I’ve missed you, Noodge! Happy for you, though.
Hello!!!!! I wondered how things were going, and I’m super happy for you! 🙂
can I say that I am terrified about congress rejecting the iran deal? it’s really important and I just don’t feel like the senate or the house seems to understand that this should be REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT to them. I see these horrible “think-pieces” that are actually non-thinking because they ignore all sorts of actual real-person facts and instead shriek “oh shit look these barbarians and their weapons!” when that’s not the reality at all.
*sigh* so many letters written to congresspeople. none of them probably read by a single goddamned person in the office who isn’t an intern.
I was reading this silly Emily Gould piece in the NYT about out of office replies yesterday http://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/28/fashion/the-art… and at the end, was treated to this little nugget:
“Correspondents who tried emailing The Toast editor and Texts From Jane Eyre author Mallory Ortberg in July received an email with the subject line “nope.”
““I am currently on vacation and not accepting any emails about anything. I’m not planning on reading any old emails when I get back, either, because that feels antithetical to the vacation experience.”
““I really did delete all those emails when I got back,” Ms. Ortberg said. ”
So well done, Mallory!
Toasts! I’m having a bit of work-related impostor syndrome, because apparently when you give me a bunch of feedback, most of which is good, my brain will latch onto every “You have room for improvement in X and Y areas” statement and interpret it as “You’re about to fail horribly and we regret having hired you, because you suck.” (I know, I know, my stupid jerkbrain is all wrong about that. But my stupid jerkbrain is stubborn in its unreasonableness. Anyone have recommendations for getting jerkbrain to STFU?)
However, tonight I’m going to the far end of Bushwick to hear some young opera singers perform songs by Mahler and Berlioz in a space that belongs to a circus school, and if that doesn’t make me feel less out of sorts, nothing will.
Augh I am so freaked out about starting to teach at community college at 8 am Monday and NO ONE is answering phones so I can find out if I can get things like a class size list or at least the NAMES of the textbooks or where my classroom is. I want to do this but I feel like I am steering into unprepared disaster.
My best friend/roommate is in this exact same situation! Apparently community colleges like to hire at the last minute and give the teachers zero information about what they’re supposed to do. I’m sure both of you will be fine! It sounds horrifying, though.
That is scary but hang in there! You might have to be a lot more spontaneous than you would like, but teachers can get away with /so much/ because students are assuming they are on top of it. But I hope someone answers the phone soon and assuages your anxiety!
Toasts! Is there anyone here who could use some gently used office-type clothing??
I’m about a dress size 16-18// Old Navy XXL, for reference. I have on offer: a black full-skirted shirtdress; a black-and-white striped tunic dress; a black A-Line skirt; and two boatneck long sleeve jersey shirts, one navy with white stripes, one black.
I *just* left my job after six years, and while I loved it for a long time and in many ways, it was extremely stressful and slowly squeezing the joy from my life. Happily, I came out of it with a decent deal that will give me time to recover and redirect my professional life. Meanwhile, though, I hope to not have to use my office clothing for a very very long time.
I’d like to see it go to someone who could use it, though! I know that it can be difficult/expensive to find cute plus-size office-appropriate casual-ish wear, so if this might be you, let me know! I will happily give you details/send pics/mail you the lot.
Oh, I think those would be a near-miss for me, but Thank You for such a generous offer! Work wardrobe is half the reason I’m still trying to work for myself. The other half is that I hate people, but you’ve led me to reconsider!
Ha ha. Isn’t office wear a pain in the neck?
Your nearest women’s shelter would love to have used office clothes for unemployed homeless women interviewing for jobs.
Thanks for the suggestion! As it happens, in the particular area where I live, most of the shelters don’t take much in the way of direct clothing donations due to lack of space. They tend to make very specific requests for donor items, such as toiletries, personal care items, socks, toilet paper, towelling, underwear, etc, in order to focus on the items that are often overlooked by well-meaning donors; or, in lieu of clothing, they request household start-up items for people transitioning back into their own space. Most of the places that do accept clothing take them for charity shop re-sale. Unfortunately, quality used professional-type clothing doesn’t have a good free distribution system in my area.
I don’t know if there’s a Dress for Success (a non-profit that redistributes gently-used work clothing to low-income women in need of it) chapter or something similar near you, but if so, that’s always a good bet. They’re usually thrilled to receive donations in larger sizes.
*sighs* Sadly, there is not. (I work in the social services field, so I am pretty familiar with the local resource web.) The only reason I can muster for this service gap is that there are so many people who are living in the most desperate of circumstances, thanks to veru high cost of living, homelessness, deplorable mental health care, etc., that most orgs end up focussing on the most basic of assistance.
I just binge-read the whole Lumberjanes series after wanting to read it for a real long time. It’s SO GOOD!! Everything that I love now as a grown ass woman, but that I would have OBSESSED over as a little child. Scouts! Mysteries! Girl Power! Friendship!!!! The series is so good and has such a great representation of different kinds of characters, whose gender identities/races inform their characters, but aren’t their only “personality” trait. I’m just head over heels & have been forcing all of my friends to read them via screenshots of particularly great panels.
Hooray for another Lumberjanes fan! I love that series (and just got issue 17 in the mail today). So many great characters! Silly jokes! Fun badges for random things! Spookiness!
It seriously hits all the marks. I can’t believe I waited so long to read it.
Love Lumberjanes so much. Literally every issue has a tendency to turn on the waterworks. (Everything I like makes me cry, but still.)
What else are you reading? If you want recommendations, I super love giving them!!
I’m not reading anything else so I would LOVE recs! This is my first foray into comics since I read my older brother’s comics when I was a kid. I have been reading some webcomics, though: Witchy, Guardians of the Realm, Broodhollow, Back, Namesake.
Everything makes me cry also. Especially girl power.
Lumberjanes tops my list of desired purchases next time I can afford a comic-shop spend. 🙂
I read that some people’s libraries have them online!
So Contributoria had folded and The Butter is leaving. Fellow freelancers, tell me something good!
Hello, Toasts! I don’t have a whole lot to say other than:
1) I hope everyone is having a good week, and if not, I wish nothing but the best for you next week, and
2) This weekend is one of my favorite weekends of the whole year! I get to hang out with my favorite band of former mascot misfits and reminisce about all the weird shit we’ve been through, and also train a new group on all the things they’ll need to know/fear/look forward to, etc. AHHHH I CAN’T WAIT!
me: please do not do The Thing; it is unprofessional and discourteous.
rando: oh okay it’s just that [does The Thing].
me: …
Yay! I love Lumberjanes! I’m dying to cosplay as April. She’s my favorite.
I want to go as Mal! Maybe it will give me an excuse to finally revive my 2007-2009 undercut! (RIP Undercut)
everyone’s favorite monster if signing off for a few weeks. i leave tomorrow morning for burning man *squee* it’ll probably be 3 weeks before i’m here for OT again but i promise to have pics of the things i said i was sewing in last last week’s OT!
now, if you’ll excuse me, i’m going to GTFO of work early and go home and freak the fuck out and finish the 19 things still on my to-do list and then drink some wine and get some cuddles from my lover before heading off to the desert for 2 weeks.
(what will you guyz do without my run-on sentences???)
Just wanted to say I’m committing a strike against the patriarchy by selling my dirty underwear to males. It’s a good trade-off for looking cute enough to get screamed at if I go in public ever. I’m buying these underwear from overstock sites so I’m paying less than $1 per pair.
So far I have gotten a pair of socks from sock dreams, fancy lotion for my legs, a mixtape based off my clothing aesthetic (“tokyo street”), tights to wear and sell back, and $25 per underwear.
I used to be afraid to meet up but my boyfriend encouraged me and it’s really great. I walk away with cash and both parties are equally shy and embarrassed so we don’t even talk.
A fool and -his- money…
how did you get into this? craigslist??
Yeah! Craigslist is the best.
Okay, let me try this again. Any Toast readers in Charlottesvillle, VA?
I am so so excited – on a whim today, I signed up for a music journalism class that starts next month. The lineup of guest speakers looks absolutely incredible. The course involves actually interviewing a musician (gulp) and creating work to be published, a prospect I find both terrifying and exhilarating. I’m not clear on the average age of the class, so I’m a little worried I’m going to be the oldest person and that everyone else will be teens. (I’m 24 but can frequently pass for 18.) All the better to live out my fantasy of being Elizabeth Banks in Wet Hot American Summer, I guess!
I’m going to leave this here for anyone who needs it.
Yes, very good, thank you.
Here’s the one I knew was -actually- good! It’s an interesting parrallel to the actual books, Katniss and Peeta as movie stars under the thumb of a machine-style production company.
Also this from Gale’s POV, because there is never enough Gale.
Gah! I’m trying to find a cute one where single parents Katniss and Peeta get together but I’m not finding the right one, I deleted it off my nook already. Anyway, like I mentioned, I don’t always go for quality over smut level so YMMV with these recs. I’m looking forward to diving into aimmyarrowshigh, thanks!
Flight Behavior by Barbara Kingsolver is a wonderful book about rural places and life change. The main character is kind of from the other side- she is poor, rural, stuck in the town she grew up in, regretting major life decisions and burnt out. I don't know if it would help make decisions but it is a very satisfying read.