Charlene Cheung’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.
This message and any attached documents contain information that may be confidential and/or privileged. If you are not the intended recipient, you may not read, copy, distribute, or use this information. If you have received this transmission in error, please notify the sender immediately by reply email and then delete this message.
This message and any attached documents contain sentiments that the sender worries may be construed negatively. If the recipient has felt in any way slighted by this transmission, the sender apologizes profusely. In the likely scenario in which the recipient has inferred no such negativity, the sender will nevertheless feel guilt. In either case, the torment of guilt will now hover over the sender for the duration of at least three months.
This message and any attached documents contain way too many exclamation points. The sender is obviously faking enthusiasm and/or confidence.
This message and any attached documents contain thoughts expressed in a state of inebriation. Nothing in this missive should be taken at face value, no matter how profusely the sender claims how much she “just loves you so much.” In fact, if you have received this transmission, please just delete immediately and never speak of it again.
This message and any attached documents may or may not contain vague sentiments of disappointment with the intended recipient. If the recipient has felt insulted by anything in this transmission, it is safe to assume that it was intentional. Or not. The recipient should not assume either way but should proceed cautiously so as not to induce further disdain from the sender. That is, if that’s even what the sender’s intention was. Which it was. Maybe.
THIS MESSAGE AND ANY ATTACHED DOCUMENTS WERE WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS JUST TO ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.
The sender of this message and any attached documents expects a reply from the intended recipient. The sender gets that the recipient is “very busy.” Nevertheless, the sender does not understand why the recipient might be unable to write a simple response. The sender will refresh her inbox repeatedly for up to three days before feeling utterly and completely rejected.
TL;DR
This message and any attached documents contain a minor spelling or grammatical error that the sender noticed instantaneously after hitting the “send” button. The sender is currently debating whether or not to send a follow-up email to acknowledge said mistake and associated feelings of shame.
This message and any attached documents were probably rescinded and edited multiple times. The sender has discovered and consequently activated the “undo send” function that she once erroneously believed was just a myth. It is not. The sender will now probably write carelessly and/or drunkenly and/or temperamentally with far more ease.
This message and any attached documents are written in emoji. Please notify the sender if you do not understand or enjoy emoji. The sender will then translate and/or de-friend you.
This message and any attached documents would probably be better off sent as a text. I mean, does anyone even send emails anymore?
Tags: charlene cheung, emails, humor, work
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This message has absolutely zero exclamation points. The sender isn’t angry, promise; their third-grade English teacher told them that exclamation points are overkill unless in dialogue, and they’ve followed her advice ever since. They frequently wonder whether this is the email version of Resting Bitch Face, and if leaving out exclamation points means they aren’t pulling their emotional weight in this reply chain.
Depends on the context. When I write professional emails, I usually go through and remove at least a few exclamation points. But when I’m driving and having my male partner answer texts for me, I have to specify punctuation so he doesn’t inadvertently make me come across as mean/unenthusiastic.
I literally just did this a few days ago! “Tell her that’s great and put two or three exclamation points at the end.”
This message has zero exclamation points because even though I am normally the “bubbly energetic one!” of the office I am currently tired of your shit.
ARE YOU ME
This message has an inappropriate number of exclamation points because even though she’s dry and/or to the point in real life, she’s worried her email tone comes across as straight-up-bitch. Exclamation points should not be interpreted to mean the sender is experiencing actual enthusiasm in real life.
This message has a one letter/syllable response, in which the sender is conveying everything and nothing at once.
I sometimes get emails that the content is like “please forward this to everyone you know” and then the disclaimer is like “confidential!” wtf emails.
I have a client who replies to all my emails with “Received; thanks.”
I really want to demand that he reply with some sort of statement that he has actually READ them, not merely received them. I don’t write verbose business emails. They are direct and brief. I am not even asking that he actually answer my questions immediately, but at least acknowledge that he has read them and knows which information I need from him in order to do my work.
I get that
my work moved a few months ago from a mail server with an “undo send” function to a mail server without one ( at least as far as i can tell??), and life has never been the same. in my own head. i mean, broadly, life remains pretty much the same, just with more email anxiety.
This e-mail contains several requests phrased as questions that are really demands. The sender is providing you with the illusion of choice out of courtesy, but you really should do these things.
I really wish workplace higher-ups would stop doing this. I don’t want to get fired and/or live in a state of constant anxiety just because you’re uncomfortable with your role in the hierarchy! If you really hate making demands that much then lets just collectivize! In the meantine send me definite emails!
(I am the exclaimation point person. Except it’s not even intentional, I’m just an intense talker I guess.)
I am 100% guilty of the question e-mails, but for the opposite reason–I am at the bottom of the hierarchy and an editor. When I’m criticizing the writing of people 10-20 years my senior, it helps if I seem as deferential as possible!
That was my dad’s favourite technique for asking us to do something. Kinda brilliant when you think about it.
The author of this email realises that you will not like its contents or what it instructs you to do. Nevertheless, she expects that you will do the thing anyway. She has also decided that when you send her longwinded angry emails about the thing and your feelings about it, she will not reply, because as long as you do the thing, she doesn’t really care either way about your feelings about it.
This comment brought to you by my time organising a choir festival’s transport and accommodation requirements, in which I received many emails ranging from didactic to rude, about how I should do my job, from people who had agreed to help me but thought it should be done THEIR way, at the last minute.
The higher up you are in anything, the shorter and more dickish your emails can/will become.
#lifegoals
Please note that the level of politeness in the senders email will increase in line with the intensity with which the sender is screaming profanities and cursing your existence at the screen.
Work emails. GAH. At which point is it ok to stop replying in an email chain? I have endless chains where something is requested, agreed to and then like 5 emails of ‘Great thanks’ go back and forth. WHEN AM I ALLOWED TO STOP REPLYING?
Also, what level of greeting/sign off is appropriate when you’re emailing the person sitting across from you? Took me ages to get used to my boss (who sits across from me) emailing me asking me to do things. I’m literally in front of your face! (these also descend into chains of ‘Great, thanks’)
In other news, I finally found the button in Lotus Notes that lets me edit meeting attendees! No more re-sending email invites to everyone!
Please note that the level of politeness in the senders email will increase in line with the intensity with which the sender is screaming profanities and cursing your existence at the screen.
Work emails. GAH. At which point is it ok to stop replying in an email chain? I have endless chains where something is requested, agreed to and then like 5 emails of 'Great thanks' go back and forth. WHEN AM I ALLOWED TO STOP REPLYING?
Also, what level of greeting/sign off is appropriate when you're emailing the person sitting across from you? Took me ages to get used to my boss (who sits across from me) emailing me asking me to do things. I'm literally in front of your face! (these also descend into chains of 'Great, thanks')
In other news, I finally found the button in Lotus Notes that lets me edit meeting attendees! No more re-sending email invites to everyone!
Oh no, I hardly ever understand emoji, unless it’s like a heart or a happy face or someone writes their translation immediately after. I did such a good job of keeping up with chat speak but I’m afraid this is where I have to give it up and admit that the world is passing me by.
I have teenage nieces and nephews. I send them random emojis like peacocks and sushi every week or so just so they know I’m hip.
Oh yeah. They know I’m hip.
I still have a very old Nokia phone which doesn’t do pictures of any kind. I know nothing about emoji.
That was my dad's favourite technique for asking us to do something. Kinda brilliant when you think about it.