Charlene Cheung’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.

This message and any attached documents contain information that may be confidential and/or privileged. If you are not the intended recipient, you may not read, copy, distribute, or use this information. If you have received this transmission in error, please notify the sender immediately by reply email and then delete this message.

This message and any attached documents contain sentiments that the sender worries may be construed negatively. If the recipient has felt in any way slighted by this transmission, the sender apologizes profusely. In the likely scenario in which the recipient has inferred no such negativity, the sender will nevertheless feel guilt. In either case, the torment of guilt will now hover over the sender for the duration of at least three months.

This message and any attached documents contain way too many exclamation points. The sender is obviously faking enthusiasm and/or confidence.

This message and any attached documents contain thoughts expressed in a state of inebriation. Nothing in this missive should be taken at face value, no matter how profusely the sender claims how much she “just loves you so much.” In fact, if you have received this transmission, please just delete immediately and never speak of it again.

This message and any attached documents may or may not contain vague sentiments of disappointment with the intended recipient. If the recipient has felt insulted by anything in this transmission, it is safe to assume that it was intentional. Or not. The recipient should not assume either way but should proceed cautiously so as not to induce further disdain from the sender. That is, if that’s even what the sender’s intention was. Which it was. Maybe.

THIS MESSAGE AND ANY ATTACHED DOCUMENTS WERE WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS JUST TO ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

The sender of this message and any attached documents expects a reply from the intended recipient. The sender gets that the recipient is “very busy.” Nevertheless, the sender does not understand why the recipient might be unable to write a simple response. The sender will refresh her inbox repeatedly for up to three days before feeling utterly and completely rejected.

TL;DR

This message and any attached documents contain a minor spelling or grammatical error that the sender noticed instantaneously after hitting the “send” button. The sender is currently debating whether or not to send a follow-up email to acknowledge said mistake and associated feelings of shame.

This message and any attached documents were probably rescinded and edited multiple times. The sender has discovered and consequently activated the “undo send” function that she once erroneously believed was just a myth. It is not. The sender will now probably write carelessly and/or drunkenly and/or temperamentally with far more ease.

This message and any attached documents are written in emoji. Please notify the sender if you do not understand or enjoy emoji. The sender will then translate and/or de-friend you.

This message and any attached documents would probably be better off sent as a text. I mean, does anyone even send emails anymore?