Riane Konc’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.

“Maroon Is An Adjective, So I’m Not Going To Use It Like A Verb, Not Once”

“You Know What I’ve Got Some Thoughts About? The Southwest”

“Let’s All Just Camp Out Around Middle C Where None Of Our Voices Feel Strained”

“Almost Nothing Reminds Me Of My Failed Relationship, Including Those Crows”

“Wisconsin Has the Packers And Cheese, And I Guess That’s All I Have to Say About That”

“I Read Walden Back In High School But Never Really Saw What The Big Deal Was”

“The Town I’m Singing About Is Real (I’m Getting Wasted With A Wolf)”

“I Learned ‘Melic’ From My Word-A-Day App, But I Don’t Feel Any Temptation To Use It In A Song”

“Let’s Give Those Pitchfork Reviewers Something To Hate”

“I Do My Best Creative Work When I’m No More Than Ten Minutes Away From A Bed, Bath, & Beyond”

“We Can Stack Vocals On This Three Or Four Times, But Then That’s IT, Guys”

“Come On, Everybody, Sing Along On This One — You Know The Words!”

“If I Had To Describe My Breakup In One Word, It Would Probably Be Soffit. No, Claring. No, Wait, Soffit.”

“Let’s Have a Little Fun With This One”

“Spending A Weekend In This Cabin Was Nice But Honestly I Miss My Sleep-Number”

“All I Really Want To Do (Is Enunciate Each Syllable)”

“Let’s Hear It For Spring!”

“Reflecting On Childhood Memories Can Be A Healthy Exercise (Death Is Not Inevitable)”

“I’m Kind Of Relieved We Broke Up Because Now I Have Time To Try Crossfit”

“That Dead Moth Has Nothing To Do With Me, Sometimes Moths Just Die”

“The Melting Snow Is Not An Indictment On My Ability To Cultivate A Lasting Relationship”

“This Subordinate Clause Can’t Stand By Itself/I Understand The Basic Mechanics Of A Sentence”

“‘Sickle Your Sill, Sump Until The Quiet’s Out’ Is A Meaningless Combination Of Words, Not The Perfect Description Of My Sex Life”

“These Are Lyrics, Not A Series Of Mini-Strokes”

“It’s Just A Bird’s Nest, Not An Existential Crisis”

“That Deer Looks Lonely But I Feel Fine”