- You can’t go in there! Why, no one enters the Forbidden Zone and returns to tell the tale!
- You can’t go in there! Why, no one goes past the Silent Sentinels without express permission from the Guardian Herself!
- You can’t go in there! Why, such a thing has not been done by someone of ungentle blood in seventeen generations, since before the Moon was veiled!
- You can’t go in there! Why, the Gleaned-Over Way is bestrewn with the bones of those braver and stronger than you who tried to force their way through the Unseelie Gate!
- You can’t go in there! Why, the Eyeless Queen will have your heart and tongue ripped out by the roots for your defiance!
- You can’t go in there! Why, the king himself has not entered that chamber since the Weir-Night!
- You can’t go in there! Why, you haven’t been given the name to speak at the Wordless Gate!
- You can’t go in there! Why, no one enters the Ring of Containment if they value their lives!
- You can’t go in there! Why, the Council itself has forbidden to even speak of it!
- You can’t go in there! Why, the Bridgekeeper has not found a worthy petitioner in all the days of my memory, and scatters the limbs of the hopeful at his feet!
- You can’t go in there! Why, the Elders would have my head if they knew you’d even gotten through Hallway 9!
- You can’t go in there! Why, I have guarded this gate worthily since the task was laid upon me by the Defenders of the Cities of the Plain, and I have no intention of yielding today, sir!
- You can’t go in there! Why, the legends tell of a horrible monster that dwells just beyond these walls, waiting to devour any foolish citizen brave or foolhardy enough to venture outside alone, and certainly isn’t the City Fathers in disguise trying to keep the populace afraid, compliant, and cut off from the rest of the world!
Defenders of the Cities of the Plain
Ooo. Saucy. Or maybe I just read too many things with ye olde euphemisms for the gay that now everything is a euphemism in my mind. I’m going with saucy anyway.
Someone should create the Mallory Ortberg Speculative Fiction generator with this, “Things That Will Not Be Tolerated In This High Court Another Minute,” the High Fantasy Without Incest scenes, etc.
You can’t go in there! Why, only the one who wields [highlighted quest item] could possibly survive the Trials that lay beyond!
Ha, “travel.”
Stand aside, Guardian! I understand you must discharge your duty, but I have been sent here by the Lost Elder. The fate of the Three Worlds is at stake!
You can’t go in there! Why, only a soft-headed… conspiracy-minded… loon…… I’m sorry, is this not the door to the High Court? I’m so turned around… Down the hall a quarter mile and to the left? Thanks so much. I’d forget my own Roman/Nazi headgear if it wasn’t stapled to my brain with the Hatpins of Joyous Compliance.
“If it tempts you so much, try it in spite of my prohibition. But take note: I am powerful. And I am only the most lowly gatekeeper. But from room to room stand gatekeepers, each more powerful than the other. I can’t endure even one glimpse of the third.”
"I mean, you _can_, I guess–it's a free country or whatever–I'm just saying I wouldn't, if I were you, is all. But I have a doctorate in Theology and I'm stuck making minimum wage–plus benefits, but still–telling people not to go through doors, so what do I know?"
I don’t think this is what’s usually meant by a Shyamalan ending
Mallory, please write the strange and knowing meta-aware high fantasy satire series that’s bubbling up inside you. it would be so good!
could even come in choose-your-own-adventure format
“You can’t go in there!”
“I think you’ll find that I can.”
“No, that’s just one of the display models.” *opens door to reveal a blank wall behind it*
I have worked as an executive gatekeeper. And I have to deal with them in my current job from the other side. Is it terrible or just depressing that ALL of these remind me so much of both sides of that equation.
‘Why! No, under no circumstances, can you possibly be allowed to lay eyes on the Powerful Executive Man Person today, despite your Good Reasons, your Documents for Immediate Signature Without Which We Will Lose Business, or even your Prearranged Appointment. For I laugh at your Prearranged Appointment – you thought it would save you! Muahahaha. He hath decreed that It Be Not So and I am but his Dirtywork Mouthpiece. No. Nope. Get thee out. Hie, hie!”
Oh God. For an open office without old boys clubs gatekeepers, where things actually get done. Or so I hear anyway, in the legends of open offices, the promised land, where break rooms are paved with gold and free yogurt and pretzels.