If The Tim Hortons Goat Were Your Boyfriend -The Toast

If The Tim Hortons Goat Were Your Boyfriend

ByJane Hu

on September 30, 2015 in If X Were Your Y

When I learned about the goat who refused to leave a Tim Hortons in Martensville, Saskatchewan, I cried real tears. At the time, I was sitting in a café. It wasn’t a Tim Hortons café, unfortunately, because I decided to go to grad school in America. It’s a decision I question every day of my life. Because: aren’t we all the goat who just can’t seem to quit Tim Hortons?

I used to be a student in Canada—in Montreal, Quebec where all Tim Hortons menus came in both French and English. It was truly liberating. Most of the Tim Hortons in Montreal were 24 hours, including the one in the basement of my campus library during the chillier winter months when I never left the library because going outside would mean potentially freezing to death. So, I’ve given this a lot of thought.

If the Tim Hortons Goat were your boyfriend, he would always save the honey cruller Timbits for you.

If the Tim Hortons Goat were your boyfriend, you would get to use his Hulu+ account for Criterion film nights, but also steal his parents’ HBOGo password for those nights you want to watch Deadwood. The Tim Hortons Goat fucking loves John Hawkes.

It is a Canadian truth universally acknowledged that if the Tim Hortons Goat were your boyfriend, you’d never be cold because he would take you to the closest Tim Hortons.

If the Tim Hortons Goat were your boyfriend, he would keep you company while you read Derrida on a Friday night.

If the Tim Hortons Goat were your boyfriend, 95% of your text messages would read like D:@*%#OU$)(PGJFOD:SKFB:FSDFLSJR#O. :)

If the Tim Hortons Goat were your boyfriend, he would also say, “Babe, you’ve worked so hard this week. Maybe tonight’s the night to put down the Derrida.” And then he’d give you that 100 emoji grin.

If the Tim Hortons Goat were your boyfriend, he would always let you be little spoon.

If the Tim Hortons Goat were your boyfriend, he would introduce you to Ikea Monkey.

If the Tim Hortons Goat were your boyfriend, life would be #justgoatythings.

If the Tim Hortons Goat were your boyfriend, he would carry you into poetry readings attended by all your exes and put all those weezers to shame.

If the Tim Hortons Goat were your boyfriend, he would “get” you in the way only a Canadian Goat could get you.

If the Tim Hortons Goat were your boyfriend, you’d finish your 99-month PhD and go home, and he’ll still be there. That’s patriotism. And that’s love.

Jane Hu is a writer living in Montreal.

Comments (47)

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+18 Vote up Vote down

ectocool 124p · 495 weeks ago

Whither the Tim Horton's Snake?

If he were your boyfriend, he would always slice onions to your choosing.

1 reply · active 495 weeks ago

+5 Vote up Vote down

AmyEntropy · 495 weeks ago

I immediately thought of the Tim Horton's Snake too. What is it with weird things happening in Saskatchewan Tim Horton's? But that snake was brought & left there by a human, it didn't CHOOSE to be there. The goat did.

+73 Vote up Vote down

winterbymorning 133p · 495 weeks ago

If the Tim Horton's goat were your boyfriend, you would create a lot less waste when you ate at Tim's because he would eat your cups, napkins and bagel/donut wrappers.

5 replies · active 495 weeks ago

+13 Vote up Vote down

katenepveu 98p · 495 weeks ago

Hah. I was reading _Gregory, The Terrible Eater_ (a staple of my childhood) to the Pip this morning. Anyone else remember this picture book?

+15 Vote up Vote down

NicoleCliffe 145p · 495 weeks ago

They have it in the play area at Whole Foods and my daughter LOVES it.

+10 Vote up Vote down

bibliowrecka 104p · 495 weeks ago

YES! That was my all-time favorite book as a kid! It was on Reading Rainbow! I give that book as a gift to all the littles I know!

+21 Vote up Vote down

dakimel 122p · 495 weeks ago

"kid"

heh

+2 Vote up Vote down

alula_auburn 106p · 495 weeks ago

The Reading Rainbow segment popped into my head as soon as I saw the title.

+24 Vote up Vote down

winterbymorning 133p · 495 weeks ago

ALSO, by any chance 1. did you attend McGill and if so 2. did you take a German summer course in 688 Sherbrooke in the summer of 2009, because you look really familiar.

5 replies · active 495 weeks ago

+10 Vote up Vote down

Jane · 495 weeks ago

lol yes!!!!

+8 Vote up Vote down

winterbymorning 133p · 495 weeks ago

Guten Tag!

Also, remember that creepy skinhead-type in the class who always wore a floor-length trenchcoat no matter how hot it was outside?

+3 Vote up Vote down

lllllloo · 495 weeks ago

I recall that guy from McGill circa 2009, but was not in that German class. Creepy fucker.

+21 Vote up Vote down

plspassthePinot 121p · 495 weeks ago

This may be one of my fav Toast exchanges of all time

+19 Vote up Vote down

blueblazes11 110p · 495 weeks ago

Canada is a very small world, apparently.

+62 Vote up Vote down

projectbeks 119p · 495 weeks ago

"If the Tim Hortons Goat were your boyfriend, he would also say, “Babe, you’ve worked so hard this week. Maybe tonight’s the night to put down the Derrida.” And then he’d give you that 100 emoji grin."
Shouldn't that be, "Baaaaabe?"

I'll show myself out

3 replies · active 495 weeks ago

+30 Vote up Vote down

irishbreakfasttime 128p · 495 weeks ago

actual LOL. Worst goat joke is BEST goat joke.

+10 Vote up Vote down

alula_auburn 106p · 495 weeks ago

Very apt; I feel like "worst goat joke is BEST goat joke" could sum up a lot of my graduate school experiences.

+6 Vote up Vote down

yda · 495 weeks ago

Would you say it's the G.O.A.T.?

+9 Vote up Vote down

kaimcn 121p · 495 weeks ago

This speaks to me. I'm going to the Tim Hortons downstairs for breakfast.

(that wasn't meant to rub it in, but to be a Timmy Ho's solidarity breakfast)

+4 Vote up Vote down

deleted7541601 123p · 495 weeks ago

Topical.

+15 Vote up Vote down

irreverantontheinternet 126p · 495 weeks ago

Tim Horton's is slowly infiltrating NYS, which makes me proud to be an American who frequently travels to a state that shares a lot of its border with Canada.

+3 Vote up Vote down

loosechange 125p · 495 weeks ago

heart emoji

+12 Vote up Vote down

raqueue 115p · 495 weeks ago

I am so happy this piece exists.

If the Tim Hortons goat were your boyfriend, he'd pay for your coffee in cash, and always made sure to tip.

+64 Vote up Vote down

irishbreakfasttime 128p · 495 weeks ago

You would gaze lovingly into one another's eyOH JESUS FUCK THOSE ARE THE WRONG. SHAPE. WAIT. ARE THEY LIKE, LITTLE RECTANGLES??? OH. WOW. OKAY. SHIT. You would gaze lovingly at his cute wee beard, that's much better.

+8 Vote up Vote down

_phlox 94p · 495 weeks ago

Hey, McLennan! My grad program was in the (other) basement there so there were times when I made several Tims visits in a day without going outside.

4 replies · active 495 weeks ago

+2 Vote up Vote down

Jane · 495 weeks ago

MEMORIES!!!!!!

+4 Vote up Vote down

mutatio42 68p · 495 weeks ago

McGill replaced the Tim Hortons in the basement of the library with some frou frou coffee place last year. I've been in mourning ever since.

+2 Vote up Vote down

kathleenvguds 109p · 495 weeks ago

It's a Premiere Moisson, which makes good bakery things but terrible coffee, and is DEFINITELY not open 24 hours. The only pro is that I don't go very often because it's pricey. Well, the second pro is that the lines are never as long as the Tim's lines were.
(But there is a shiny new Tim's on Maisonneuve at...Stanley? Metcalfe? When I go there is never a long line!)

+2 Vote up Vote down

hey_sijia 104p · 495 weeks ago

but then you have to walk at least two blocks. I just suck it up and wait in line at the University/Sherbrooke one. :( The only good thing is that there's always such a flow of people that the breakfast sandwiches and hash browns are forever burning hot when you pick it up.

+34 Vote up Vote down

westprocrasti 112p · 495 weeks ago

Every update about the Tim Hortons goat story brings me such joy: his owners suspect he was kidnapped! (Side note: if he was kidnapped, how did he escape his kidnappers?) He went missing from a student rodeo cabaret, at a nearby bar! He has a goat friend named Sparkles! There may be plenty wrong with this province, but we have A++ animals in Timmy's stories.

(My favourite detail from the snake-throwing incident was when the owner/thrower of Tim Hortons snake tried to get his snake back from the authorities.)

3 replies · active 495 weeks ago

+29 Vote up Vote down

EuterpesDelight 79p · 495 weeks ago

KIDnapped.

+15 Vote up Vote down

1sic1 126p · 495 weeks ago

The thrower and the owner were different people! Which makes the whole incident even more fascinating.

BTW, I did not google the story. Every detail is tenderly engraved upon my heart.

+3 Vote up Vote down

westprocrasti 112p · 495 weeks ago

I don't know how I missed that strange detail! That story keeps giving and giving.

+12 Vote up Vote down

champagneghost 128p · 495 weeks ago

this post does make me kind of regret moving out of michigan to a place with more jobs and where women have more rights but also no tim hortons only dunkin donuts

3 replies · active 495 weeks ago

+11 Vote up Vote down

betsaroo 124p · 495 weeks ago

Massachusetts welcomes you!

+4 Vote up Vote down

omggg 103p · 495 weeks ago

I visited Massachusetts for the first time this summer. Why does Dunkin Donuts have such an ironclad grip on your beautiful state? And are they better up there?

In my local (DC) Dunkin Donuts I tried to get an iced mocha several times. They asked if I wanted cream and sugar and I was hung over and answered yes without thinking about it. There was, like, an inch of solid sugar crystals in the bottom. Next time I said no to the cream and sugar, "just make it normal." They made ice water with espresso and chocolate syrup, no milk. I have, like, a massive fear of inconveniencing people and just drank them. It tasted like sadness.

+1 Vote up Vote down

betsaroo 124p · 495 weeks ago

lol I have no idea. I'm not a coffee drinker, and their donuts are terrible. But people here seem to have strongly held opinions here about the relative merits of Dunkin' v. Starbucks coffee. Most insist that Dunkin is great and Starbucks's tastes burnt. Others (like my mother) insist that Dunkin's tastes like dishwater. I don't even know about the iced ones. I regard it all with aloof amusement and sip my tea.

+5 Vote up Vote down

theyoungcynic 105p · 495 weeks ago

GUYS did you see that Tims has a Ron Maclean donut https://twitter.com/RonMacLeanCBC/status/64921589...
also https://twitter.com/jtbourne/status/6492178180183...

1 reply · active 495 weeks ago

+1 Vote up Vote down

becbart · 495 weeks ago

This is amazing. Also, it pleases me that Ron MacLean has a donut but a cursory Google search didn't turn up a Don Cherry donut.

+4 Vote up Vote down

dakimel 122p · 495 weeks ago

I decided - against all logic and evidence - that the Tim Hortons goat was one of my sister's "kid"napped goats that went missing last June in Texas: http://abc13.com/801943/

(They were never found.) (My niece is still mad about it.)

1 reply · active 495 weeks ago

+4 Vote up Vote down

betsaroo 124p · 495 weeks ago

That's terrible! I'd still be mad about it too!

+8 Vote up Vote down

Paulaaaaaaaaa · 495 weeks ago

If the Tim Horton's goat was your boyfriend, he wouldn't let you use his Hulu+ account because in Canada, there is no Hulu. (A FACT THAT MAKES ME CRY REAL TEARS ON THE DAILY.) (but at least we have Tim's everywhere. There is a Tim Horton's on the main floor of my office building and another one across the street. And I pass 4 Tim's on my way to work. it is the best. Tim's is the best.)

1 reply · active 495 weeks ago

+8 Vote up Vote down

NicoleCliffe 145p · 495 weeks ago

Girl, get yourself a VPN, they are basically free and now my Canadian dad uses all my logins.

+3 Vote up Vote down

Strophoria 99p · 495 weeks ago

I thought you meant the tims inside the guy-concordia metro stop. The fact that there are multiple underground tims makes me very happy!

+5 Vote up Vote down

hey_sijia 104p · 495 weeks ago

"campus library basement"

I can smell a mcgill grad at twenty paces

+2 Vote up Vote down

omggg 103p · 495 weeks ago

This post gives me such confused feelings. It's utterly delightful, but I'm so jealous that we don't have Timbits and awesome goat stories here.

0 Vote up Vote down

thelon · 488 weeks ago

Did you go to McGill? Because I have mourned the loss of the Tim Hortons every day for two years now

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