Toasties! The Bartender used sour cream instead of milk to make quiche and life shall never be the same.
In case you’re curious:
4 eggs
1 cup sour cream
Around a tsp of worcestershire sauce
Around a tsp of garlic salt
A bunch of chopped up tomatoes
A bunch of grated cheddar
Bake at 325 for 45-ish minutes.
(Also, pomegranate and persimmon together forever! Open thread!)
Hamiltoasts! I have finally found a founding father quiz that isn’t just “Which bird do you like: turkey, dove, or eagle?” and “Pick an enemy: John Adams, Aaron Burr, or this box of tea.” I scorn anything to do with a horoscope, but I will full-heartedly identify as a John Adams with a rising Hamilton and my moon in Washington.
In other news: THERE IS AN ENTIRE DAVEED DIGGS TUMBLR and I want to link to everything on it. In the meantime, I will content myself with a few GIFs.
Would you like to click this image and be transported to DAVEED DIGGS ACTING OUT CALVIN AND HOBBES STRIPS?
Or a series of GIFs of him singing, that link to a kickass live performance if rapping is your thing?
And just this GIF, because it gets better every time I see it.
Christ, I got Benjamin Franklin.
Hey, that means you invented bifocals and the stove! You get to spend the revolution whoring around France!
Put like that, I have revised my previous opinion and am READY TO PARTAAAAAAY
And sexing up older ladies!
Sexing up ALL the ladies.
All the ladies, yes, but Franklin was specifically in favor of the older ladies: http://www.swarthmore.edu/SocSci/bdorsey1/41docs/…
But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:
i. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor’d with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.
2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.
3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc’d may be attended with much Inconvenience.
IT GOES ON.
I just love Franklin’s dedication to sexing in general. That is the list of a man of considerable experience in the sexy ways of the world. You’d know about the hazard of irregularly produc’d Children, wouldn’t you, Benny.
I need to revise my feelings toward Franklin, I think. Because I’ve always thought worse of him (and Jefferson) spending all that time in France when shit was going down over here but now I appreciate (thanks largely to the comments here) that Franklin was maybe one of the best Slytherins to ever slither and I gotta give him some props for that.
He really was. Meanwhile I’m less and less surprised with my Hamilton diagnosis. I’m Slytherin with strong Gryffindor-ish tendencies and that sounds about right.
Franklin wasn’t hiding from public duty in France! He was an ambassador, and a good one; the French ate him up with a spoon. French support for the revolution wasn’t all Lafayette’s doing, after all.
More good points! I’m sorry, Ben! I shall carry my resemblance to him with pride, now!
GEORRRRGE WASHINGTON
… that seems wrong.
Our glorious commander in chief
I also got Washington.
Same!
The only Ben Franklin I’ll ever love, right there.
1776 4eva.
Definitely going to make The Burgomaster watch it before we see Hamilton in March.
I actually saw it on the big screen last July Fourth. It was glorious. There was actual weeping in the theater.
The bit where they’re calling out all the names of the signers? My eyes get prickly just thinking about it.
It was beautiful and patriotic and I will fight the crowds and find an excuse to be in Williamsburg for the Fourth more often now.
I got Benjamin Franklin too, but I’m mostly on board with its accuracy for this line alone:
“If you are against something, you make fun of it”
http://reductress.com/post/i-can-only-come-to-the…
The calvin and hobbes thing made my day
I got Jefferson in this one, which is disappointing on a number of levels.
EXCEPT that it means I’m played by Daveed, which is 100% A-OK by me.
I’m also Jefferson! With Hamilton and Franklin tied for second, which …how.
I am also overwhelmingly Jefferson, so I too will be taking consolation in this.
Yes, not the only one!
I’m Jefferson with Adams in second . . . I’m not sure how I feel about that, nor am I sure how that’s possible.
I’m Jefferson with Adams in last, so.
(Ham & MADISON??? tied for second. My brain hurts trying to parse that.)
I was apparently 79% Jefferson, 58% Adams, and then equally Hamilton and Madison at (I think) 55%. (And then less 20% for Franklin and Washington. I’m not really sure how these percentages are calculated . . .)
But that combination seems kind of baffling and impossible to me . . .
Damn. I got 80% Hamilton and only 58% Adams. I was totally expecting more Adams as I am, generally, fairly obnoxious and disliked.
This is pretty spot on though. Despite this, you, personally, are governed by emotions, not logic. You don’t know when to back down or shut up, especially when antagonized, which can lead to remarkable acts of stupidity. Still, your great intellectual abilities can be harnessed good, and you fear nothing.
These are all true things.
Adams was really only obnoxious and disliked once he got to be president and the XYZ affair and Quasi-War led to the Sedition Acts, which basically made it illegal to talk shit about him or the government at a time when there was a LOT of shit to be talked about. Before that he was fairly respected by his peers, if a little irritating; most historians think his account of the Declaration’s creation was colored by public opinion of him later in life.
Shhh. We know, we know. I just really really love pulling out that quote when describing my personality. A 1776 quote for every occasion.
I’m taking that quiz, but I’m annoyed that it asks “which deadly sin applies to you most” but then DOESN’T INCLUDE SLOTH. sloth is my #1 forever sin.
Anyways I got James Madison, which seems reasonable. I am definitely nothing like A. Ham.
same. i was disappointed until it was like “you hide in a corner, generally get your shit done, and let other people rage about” and had to admit…yeah, that sounds about right.
I mean, in terms of beliefs I like to think I wouldn’t have been down with the Southern M-F’ing Democratic Republicans.
But in terms of personality type and, like, process… yeah. that was dang accurate.
although I suppose anyone whose #1 sin is Sloth would not have had the motivation to actually be a founding father.
We would’ve been, like, definitely-support-the-revolution-but-also-not-getting-anywhere-near-THOSE-guys background desk clerk #4
I’m Madison too! 91%. Wow. And it’s . . . incredibly accurate, personality wise.
Me too!
I AM LOOKING FOR THEM, how did they know???!?
I got George Washington!
Ladies and Gentlemen! The Pride of Mount Vernon! GEORGE WASHINGTON!
I’m so proud.
what happens if you suppress too many squeaks of delight because you’re at work and share desk space? do you explode? do you melt into a puddle? do they all come out in one gigantic SQUEAK! ?
stay tuned to find out.
It’s been FOUR HOURS and I am waiting for the answer to the squeak question.
It’s cool, I didn’t want to get any work done today anyway.
James Madison! Low on flash, that’s me. And then about equal bits of Franklin, Washington, and Hamilton. I wouldn’t mind marrying a male Dolly, though.
NINETY THREE HAMILTON
BOOM GOES THE CANNON
Oh dear, I’m Thomas Jefferson.
…but it makes sense! Damn, Hammy and I would get along like one of my former roommates; our first conversation was an argument. I could see myself making grumpy comments in his general direction.
I may be 72% John Adams, but at least I’m only 24% Jefferson!
But seriously, that John Adams description was ON POINT!
84% Hamilton, 81% Madison… I don’t know where the 31% Jefferson came from, but it’s probably the parts of me I like least.
91% T.Jeff & I was all “ehhh…” but this description is freakishly correct about me. Maybe even 91% correct:
Learning is extremely important to you and you have knowledge on a vast range of subjects. Dedicated, you can spend enormous amounts of time studying and practicing your preferred hobbies. Around people, you are shy, and fair best in intimate settings with only a few others. Despite your shyness, your gentle, affectionate nature draws others to you. Though you are very flexible about many matters, there are some subjects and principles that you will absolutely not compromise on. You see these subjects as a matter of black and white; pure good versus pure evil. In this sense, despite your learning, you have a touch of naivete, seeing the world (or yourself) as how you wish it was instead of how it actually is; you can sometimes be a hypocrite. Sentimental and romantic, conflict of any kind distresses you immensely and you prefer compromise to argument.
Woah, that description fits me so well too, but I only got 24% TJ, and ended up being the most similar to Madison at 90%. That genuinely surprised me, as I totally expected (and dreaded) getting TJ. The description of Madison didn’t really fit me that well, and I’m not sure what answers drove up my percentage so high. The next-closest is Hamilton at 45%, and that’s also surprising to me.
WHO AM I??
88% George Washington. I can work with that.
I’m single-handedly going to double those viewing numbers on the Calvin & Hobbes recreations.
He tiger-stripes his beard in the later ones!!
80% James Madison. The description is…well, actually it is spot-on. I am much more of a behind-the-scenes advisor/researcher than a leader. Also, we are both very short.
DAVEEEEEED!
Bless you.
76% Washington & 76% Hamilton
I LITERALLY FEEL INVINCIBLE RN
BRB SITTING UNDER MY OWN VINE & FIG TREE
mmm pomegranates. best with a little bit of orange blossom water.
happy friday, toasties!
give me all your songs about making choices.
Should I stay or should I go? Torn between two lovers. Freedom of choice. (I’m old)
that’s at well-deserved classic status and definitely on my list!
“Someone Else’s Story” from Chess! That’s all I got!
i’ll take it! thanks!
THE BEST MUSICAL!
The Saga of Jenny from Lady in the Dark? The takeaway is that you should never make choices at all; that is the path to your downfall. So maybe not what you need to be listening to.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=NI1FL-Tl9fU
I’m gonna make a mistake
I’m gonna do it on purpose
-Fiona Apple, “A mistake”
ooh this sounds promising. thank you!
Two Princes comes immediately to mind, but gimme half an hour and I can probably come up with something better.
“Grown Woman” by Beyonce.
i love this song already so damn much, haha.
Seanan McGuire’s Mama Said! Don’t be chosen, make the choice to choose.
Bad Choices by Shout Out Out Out Out
Toasties who love Hamilton and BBC Sherlock, have I got a fanvid for you. Rebloggable on Tumblr from the vidder’s post here.
OMG, that’s very well done.
I’m especially tickled about it because I was the one who introduced her to the song.
I HAVEN’T BEEN ON TUMBLR MUCH TODAY and I’m on the work computer which has no sound
but
Looking this up on my phone on my break in fifteen minutes
(SRSLY my fave vidder ever, mixing my main fandom and my current obsession? HELLS YES.)
I wasn’t able to wait and fucking LOST IT at my desk.
THIS IS INCREDIBLE
So happy you liked it! I don’t sail that ship, myself, but just damn that’s a good vid.
Martial arts thread? I took a coaching class for judo last weekend, which was more fun than I was expecting- especially hearing from everyone why they wanted to coach. (My selfish reason is I want more women in judo, and I know from experience it makes a difference to have female instructors. Plus I’ve received so much from others, it feels like it’s time to give back). What’s everyone else been up to?
After seeing an amazing video going around of a young girl being badass at kendo, I want to find a kendo class. I’ve also been looking for an affordable tai chi class, but no luck so far. I miss doing martial arts though!
I’ve always wanted to do Kendo or Iaido. I miss doing martial arts too, I’ve been far too lazy lately.
You know, the girl in the video I saw may have been doing Iaido. I’ve always wanted to learn how to properly use a sword.
Swordfighting is pretty amazing. You can never know when it might come in handy! If you can’t find a kendo class, try HEMA (Historical European Martial Arts) which is different and more focused on actually fighting, but nonetheless fun.
Kendo has always looked like a blast! I’m tragically bad at sports involving sticks or paddles, though, so I’m likely to be a danger to myself and others… not on purpose, either.
I’m a fan, not a fighter, but I’m excited for the UFC card this weekend, and not so much for Rousey, but because Joanna Fedrzejczyk has completely won me over.
This probably isn’t what you meant but I saw “The Assassin”, a Taiwanese, arty, costume drama/martial arts film with a woman lead that won “Best Director” at Cannes and it was pretty excellent. The film seems to have a release schedule that dooms it to failure (at least in the US) though, so catch it while you can
Good to know! My stepmom and my dad are huge martial arts film junkies (I come by the judo honestly, let’s say), so I’ll pass the recommendation along !
I want to take either a Muay Thai or Brazilian BJJ class eventually, but I am unemployed so I’ll have to wait for income.
So, this isn’t entirely because I’m totally biased towards judo (even though I am) but in my experience judo places are a) cheaper and b) more likely to work with you on dues and things if you need assistance. But of course, judo is not Muay Thai or BJJ, either. Good luck with the job hunt!
My mother and I attended our 12th tai chi class this week. I am, frankly, really proud of us for keeping up with classes for nearly 3 months, even though it doesn’t seem like we’ve made huge amounts of progress. That’s to be expected from only having access to once-weekly classes, I guess.
I still have trouble thinking of tai chi as a *martial* art, though. Best suited for fights with arthritic turtles?
3 months! Awesome! Yeah, once a week is tough.
Apparently there is some zombie movie out of hong kong where it is quite clear (at least to my stepmom) that all of the extras playing zombies have tai chi experience due to the gracefulness of their lurching. So it can help with your zombie walks as well? Plus there’s that whole mind-body connection thing that’s got to be good for something “martial.”
Fortunately I’m not too worried about whether or not my skill at gracefully blocking imaginary but rather slow punches will help in an actual fight, as I would of course be far too concerned with protecting my expensive eyeglasses to do anything were such a situation to arise. I gather that maybe other forms of tai chi are a bit faster? And might involve sticks? Sticks would definitely be martial!
In the meantime, my inner dancer likes it loads because it reminds me of my childhood dance classes. And that’s all I need to get from it.
Get settled for a long birthday Daisy Takes on College post….
So this week has been full of play stuff and crap. I slept through my call time for the Sunday matinee, so that shows you how tired I’ve been. Lots of sewing and pinning and corseting. The shows did go exceptionally well. My friend Nicolette made an excellent boy and made everyone jealous of her girlfriend. After, I was invited to Sonic! With JUNIORS! I felt so special and we listened to A-ha and Disney.
We have more shows this weekend, at the exact same time as my girlfriend’s dance recital. So she was able to see my show but I was unable to see hers.
We read The Goat, or Who is Sylvia, in Dramatic Leadership, which was a big Not in Catholic School Anymore moment. Nothing like some incest and bestiality on a Tuesday morning! We had a prospective student sit in on that class as part of her campus visit and that was very much awkward. I took her to lunch afterward to explain how our school is not all like that.
I registered for classes this week too! Acting II, Intro to Poetry, French 102, Collaboration in Art and Leadership, and something Global that we don’t know yet. The registration opened at seven so I had to get up EARLY. I sent an angry group text to the squad reading “I DID NOT KNOW THE WORLD EXISTED BEFORE THE LINK ROUNDUP WAS POSTED” and everyone heartily agreed.
That night, the night before my eighteenth birthday, my roommate kicked me out of the room so she could do homework and told me not to come back until I was an adult. So I sat in our neighbor’s room and wrote 3 Agnes Scott parodies (from pitch perfect, hamilton (wait for it) and frozen). At exactly midnight I came back and there were streamers and balloons and banners and my roommate is the literal best. Apparently the girlfriend also helped because my roommate and her are super close and it’s a good emotional threesome dynamic.
My mother sent me a pumpkin cheesecake that was a mess by the time it got here but still delicious. I also received a purple Hamilton t-shirt from the gf, purple sticky on butterflies from another friend, a purple Scottie scarf, a purple cloche, and purple yarn.
I am Agnes Scott College trash.
The aforementioned friend Nicolette and I are writing an Ortbergian style “Dirtbag Saints” article, so Ill keep you posted on that.
LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH you guys made it a great transition into adulthood.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved my early college years (what I can remember of them), but yours sound just glorious so far (if completely different from mine) and I love hearing about them.
I left out the panicked Queer Studies group project drama because nobody wants to hear bout that but I am having the time of my life and this is absolutely the best fit for me. I’m glad Wellesley wait-listed me.
Love to you as a Smith alum who had a similar experience–the right place is always wonderful to find!
I have never found group projects to not be drama. Bleh.
I attended a production of The Goat during my college years! Aww, memories! I guess one of the perks of dating a theatre major was all of the shows I got to see. 🙂
I am generally pretty content with my 30K-person Cornstate University experience, but I love these little looks into the women’s college experience. It’s somehow easier to deal with the occasional shit I get at Cornstate, knowing there’s a little oasis of ladyqueers somewhere living their fabulous lives.
So many ladyqueers it’s the best. I think the statistic is that 92 percent of Agnes Scott identifies as something other than straight and cis, be it aromatic, demisexual, or other. My squad is a spectrum and a rainbow and it’s great. I am perfectly content with being friends with these dorks and losers for the rest of my life.
This is lovely. Happy birthday!
I am going to see Craig Ferguson tonight, and I am terribly excited! However, I know that Geoff Peterson will not be there and it breaks my heart, just a little.
Also, this weekend I shall be finishing a giant cross stitch that I have been intermittently working on for 3-4 years. I don’t know what I will avoid doing to pass the time for the rest of winter! Perhaps it’s time to take up not quilting, or learn how to not knit sweaters. Hmmm.
I really miss Craig Ferguson on the tv. Enjoy the show!
Take up quilting! Take up quilting! Take up quilting! It is the most amazing thing ever. I recently gave this dinosaur quilt to my friends’ young daughter, and it was so lovely to see her delight in it. I’ve made quilts for me, of course, and my friends, but the baby quilts are always the most emotional, you know? Fun bright colours to work with, too.
OMG THAT QUILT. That QUILT. Dammit, I’m sold.
Do it! Quilting is great!! I started a few years ago (needed a reason to lock myself in my room while my dad was moving out of my family’s home) and I love it. I’m working on a quilt for my brother for Christmas right now, and then have an anchor project for my mom’s living room wall I need to gather fabric for.
Quilting is so fun! (And that dino quilt is amaze!)
THAT IS FREAKING AMAZING
And you hand sewed everything?!?! Wow, just wow. You rock
That is WONDERFUL.
Ooh, you should post the picture of your cross stitch when it’s done! Cross stitching is my favorite. I’m pretty close on a big one I’ve been working on (it’s of the old arcade Donkey Kong and I have no idea what I’m going to do with it, but it’s pretty cool). Also, very jealous that you get to see Craig Ferguson, he is wonderful.
Yes! Seconding the call for pics of the completed project!
If it makes you feel any better, this holiday season I will be not-working-on my son’s cross stitch Christmas stocking. He’s 15 months old, this is the third Christmas I haven’t-finished it. Along with his baby blanket I don’t-crochet. (It’s about five inches long but really cute.)
I strongly recommend learning to knit a single sock and then resting on your laurels for the rest of the winter.
Whoa, 3-4 years?? You have the patience of a saint. Also, PICTURES!!!
I like avoidance-quilting, personally. But I have half-knitted any number of avoidance scarves. I could recommend either.
ugh I am a little jealous. The giant cross stitch I’ve been working on intermittently for 4 years is only about 3/4 finished.
GUYS GUYS THE NEW JOHN MULANEY SPECIAL IS ON NETFLIX RIGHT NOW AND IT IS NO FUCKIN JOKE THE FUNNIEST STAND-UP SPECIAL I HAVE EVER SEEN
SO HYPED NGL
AVCLUB GAVE IT AN A AND I NEED TO FIND TIME TO WATCH IT BECAUSE I NEED TO HEAR THIS CLINTON STORY ASAP
I AM WRITING A REVIEW OF IT FOR MONDAY
OKAY GOOD, NOW I HAVE A DEADLINE TO WORK WITH
I’m always looking forward to Friday night, but I am ESPECIALLY looking forward to tonight when I can go home and watch this. I’ve had it in my phone calendar ever since they announced it.
I just finished watching it and oh. It’s perfect. Also his dog is adorable.
Well, I think my plans for the day are set, then. Thanks for the reminder!
ETA: ***** Those are five stars. Would watch again.
OOOOOH!
I CANNOT WAIT TO GET HOME. Even more so than usual on a Friday, anyway 🙂
I WAS IN THE 7TH ROW AT THE TAPING AND IT WAS THE HAPPIEST I HAVE EVER BEEN
… meh?
women nagging men to get married, a bit more “jewish girls amirite?”. Mid 90’s joke about woodpaneling on cars, some undertones of kids-these-days-aint-shit, and Jerry-Seinfeld-impersonation recycles cracked.com complaints about Back To The Future.
Definitely laughed more at New in Town.
I disagree COMPLETELY with this assessment, and you can read my take on Monday.
Reading thread!
I finished The Library at Mount Char and I adored it.
Yesterday I reread Anastasia Krupnik as part of a book bingo thing I’m doing. I needed a childhood favorite and I’m glad to report that it really held up for me. I’m considering going back and rereading them all to see what other stuff I didn’t understand as a kid (like the name One-Ball Reilly).
I just started Aziz Ansari’s Modern Love and I’m liking it a lot, but I’m kind of regretting not getting it as an audiobook. Thankfully I’ve watched enough Parks and Rec to kind of do his voice in my head and that alone is pretty funny.
I just finished Fates and Furies last night and I need someone to tell me how I feel about it.
I want to hear all your feels. Then I’ll tell you all of my feels!
UGH FINE if you’re gonna MAKE me think about this… okay, first, I can’t remember the last time I read a book that was this well written (jk, All the Light We Cannot See, but that was ages ago). Like, I couldn’t put it down while I was reading and now I can’t stop thinking about it. Buuuut, all of the characters are kind of terrible garbage people and a lot of the plot seemed sort of hollow and unrealistic to me. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND I’m not sure how much I care about that (especially if you take it as allegory). I thought Lotto was boring and I would’ve happily read like a million more pages from Mathilde’s perspective.
Also, it made me feel bad for reasons I can’t explain.
I finally read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and o m g it was garbage
I kept on plowing through because it kept seeming like it was about to get interesting but then no, another endless description of someone eating a sandwich or buying a computer
I’m currently reading Torch by Cheryl Strayed and it’s really good but SO SAD. WAAAAH.
ETA: Woops, slight post mis-fire, but the sentiment stands.
And your description of Girl with a Dragon Tattoo made me laugh. SO TRUE
Someone did the math and discovered that there is, on average, a sandwich every thirteen pages in that book.
hahaha Sweden: Where we only eat Sandwiches and Coffee
File under: Reasons to move to Sweden.
I really loved the audio book version of Modern Love, although he does enjoy chastising people for being lazy and making him read his book to them. I’m in the car Aziz! I can’t read while I’m driving! You read it to me.
I loved the Anastasia Krupnik series so much! (“One-Ball Reilly” went completely over my head at the time, too.)
I’m reading The Boys of My Youth by Jo Ann Beard. I read about it on a “books that changed my life” list. And it is amazing. I’d recommend it to all Toasties. The book is made up of autobiographical essays about the author’s life growing up in a farming community with a large family around. Even though I have nothing in common with those basic elements, I identified so strongly with everything Beard was writing.
Ah I’m reading Let’s Talk About Love: A Journey to the End of Taste by Carl Wilson from the same books that changed my life list! BoMY was another one that jumped out at me from the writer’s description but they don’t have it at my local library so I’m going to have to keep an eye out for it elsewhere. I really recommend Let’s Talk About Love from what I’ve read so far, though!
omg Boys Of My Youth is amazing. The story about her road trip after she split up with her husband was so terrifying to read but SO good and SO heartbreaking
Hey, we have started a Toastie online book club. Can I give out the address to sign up, or does our delightful coordinator want to do that herself?
I would like this address.
The first part of the password is hawthorncrataegus
The second part is gmx.com
Thank you – where do I enter these two passwords?
I would like this address!
The first part of the password is hawthorncrataegus
The second part is gmx.com
I would like this too!
The first part of the password is hawthorncrataegus
The second part is gmx.com
Ooh! I want the address too!
The first part of the password is hawthorncrataegus
The second part is gmx.com
I’m re-reading Dodie Smith’s I Capture the Castle, which is just as lovely as I remember it and actually a lot better now that I’ve read more of Austen and the Brontes. It’s an interesting reaction to their work.
I am like 75% through The Secret Chord by Geraldine Brooks, and it is fabulous, as one might have come to expect from Ms Brooks. She is masterful.
I finished Fates and Furies last weekend (so good, so intense) and this week I picked up The Silkworm which is very engaging and fun. It makes me want to be in a pub ALL THE TIME.
The Cormoran Strike books have that effect on me too! Why is it not socially or professionally acceptable for me to spend my lunch breaks (or mid-morning breaks, it seems) drinking beers the size of my head?
I finished A Wizard of Earthsea this week – enjoyed it very much by the end, which was a nice surprise! (I started out pretty lukewarm towards it.)
I’m still making my way through Annie Dillard’s The Living (after putting it on hold), but it’s slooooow going. Not sure why it isn’t working for me. On the bright side, volume 5 of Saga has finally come in to the library, so I’ll pick that up tomorrow. 🙂
I picked up a couple of books from the Harlequin $1.99 sale, including one that involves a pregnant mistress with amnesia, so I’m pretty psyched to read some ridiculous romance novels.
I read Suki Kim’s Without You, There Is No Us this week, which is a work of investigative journalism chronicling her six months undercover in North Korea teaching English at Pyongyang University of Science and Technology. I liked, highly recommend. She was teaching all these upper-class young men and tried to understand how they’ve experienced the world and it was fascinating.
I’m reading Nexus by Ramez Naam, I like it so far. Cyberpunk about developing transhuman / posthuman technologies (specifically in this case a drug / tech that links minds) and those trying to prevent it.
In an attempt to rein in both the book buying and the library book checking out, I’ve instigated a new policy that I must begin reading a new book within two days of it entering my house, or return it from whence it came. (Grandfathering in the review copies I ordered before this new policy started.) So I’m currently reading six different books, nbd.
Of Toastie interest:
Unbecoming by Rebecca Scherm, about a woman who set up her boyfriend and his friends for robbery and then moved to Paris to start a new life: interesting so far, but I’m less than a third of the way in.
Far From the Tree by Andrew Solomon, which I’ve been meaning to read for three years now, also not very far in but fascinated.
No Ordinary Women by Sinead McCool, about Irish women activists during the whole mess of independence and civil war, which is excellent but if you don’t already have a grasp of the events involved you’re probably gonna be completely lost, she’s filling in gaps in history, not telling a story.
Unbecoming! I had an elevated heart rate the entire time I read it. SO GOOD! I’m waiting until I forget the plot so I can read it all over again.
And constantly on the lookout for unbecoming-esque books, but so far no dice.
The Library at Mount Char was horrifying and amazing, I adored it too.
I finished The Traitor Baru Cormorant a while back and have ambiguous feelings about it. It should have been everything I wanted in an epic fantasy – Awesome women! Evil empire overthrowing through forensic accounting! – but there seemed to be such a disconnect between Baru as a sharp-eyed child figuring the world out and Baru in the north being constantly blind-sided and I couldn’t figure out if it was due to a flaw in the writing or to the writer trying to portray the naive aspects of precociousness.
Aliette de Bodard’s The House of Shattered Wings, on the other hand, was full of flawed characters and awesome to the bone.
Yes, join me in my ambiguous feelings toward Baru Cormorant. I got really thrown off at the three-year timeskip, and I never really recovered from that. I also just didn’t get what was going on in the latter half, and I don’t know if that was because I was sleep deprived or because the author was deliberately making things vague to try and make The Twists seem more dramatic.
It’s a first novel, apparently, so that may have something to do with the structural problems.
Anastasia warning! I reread them last year (I loved Lois Lowry growing up) and while the first holds up 100%, a lot of them get really fat shame-y. Constant weight talk about one of her friends, and even asides where she sees someone on the street and silently judges her weight, without there being any connection to the plot. It was pretty jarring.
I finished Marian Keyes’ The Mystery Of Mercy Close, which is a really great description of depression and being depressed and a totally fine mystery novel and she labours every joke so much that really look away a lot of my enjoyment from a novel I could have really enjoyed.
Now I am into the Life of St Theresa. I like to read about how other people pray! There is lots in this book that I am unfamiliar with (I guess most of being a C16th nun) which means that there are also huge chunks of it that I don’t understand as fully as I want to.
I really enjoyed Modern Love and laughed out loud several times.
Anastasia Krupnik! *hearteyes*
I accidentally deleted most of my book library, so need new suggestions!
Recently finished the new Mary Russell book and love it as always. And have decided to reread the trickster’s queen series from Tamora Pierce after reading her adorable AMA and remembering how what was probably a throwaway line from the book has shaped most of my adult goals. (does anyone else remember the bit where Alanna tells Aly that they can finally connection because Aly has found her cause that she believes in wholeheartedly and will never be able to let go?)
Trickster’s Queen!! I love those books, and yes, I remember that bit. Trickster’s Queen was one of my comfort reads for years.
Ahh Mary Russell books! I love them so much. I have SO MANY theories about what will happen in the next one!
I just read Among Others by Jo Walton and really liked it. There was one semi twist I found a bit unnecessary and Mor’s constant talk of how much smarter she was than everyone else grated me but overall it lead me to have a lot of feelings about isolated teen girls who read books all the time. I also confessed to someone that I read Infinite Jest and Lolita in succession at 12 (finished Infinite Jest, made it through maybe a chapter of Lolita, which tells you quite a bit about what I can and can’t handle) and his look of horror and subsequent remark “You’re the most precocious human being I’ve ever met” made my week. Even though at 12 I would have forlornly sighed and said I was much too old to be precocious. I still sort of feel this way.
I just read one of the best middle grade books I have ever read. “The War that Saved My Life.” I am an abled person, but from my perspective, it dealt with disability well, had a (probably) lesbian guardian who was great and flawed and realistic! I say probably because of it being the 1940s and the main character being 9-11, it is never made explicit. The guardians’ partner died before the book takes place.
It is set during WWII in London, but I could easily book talk it to today’s kids without mentioning the history part, if that did not interest them. Just so good.
Just all around a great book that made me tear up in ways I did not at all expect.
I put the Anastasia books in my kindle app for when I need on the spot comfort reading–they do hold up! (also, I was so happy to be able to reread “Taking Care of Terrific” which I hadn’t read since I was nine, and which I think totally holds up thematically, if not in details.)
I’m currently “working from home” as I recover from surgery and I’ve read NINE books in about as many days–some were graphic novels though. The list:
Ancilliary Justice, Ann Leckle – liked it, but not as much as I expected to, maybe I’m just not a complicated-politics-in-my-scifi person (though I loved Dune and Foundations so???)
Uprooted, Naomi Novik – blazed through it! Got it on a Toast recommendation
This is How You Lose Her, Junot Diaz – a reread, totally held up.
The Seven Good Years, Etgar Keret – Looooved it, I was expecting a more straight-up memoir but it’s basically a collection of super short vignettes which he is a MASTER of.
The Playboy, Chester Brown – didn’t love it, plus there was a weird appendix of disclaimers and justifications (including a discussion of his preferred masturbation styles??) at the end that left a bad taste in my mouth.
I Never Liked You, Chester Brown – liked this one a lot more
Boy, Snow Bird – Helen Oyeyimi – loved it but wasn’t super satisfied with the ending
Empire State, Jason Shiga – Liked it a lot, endearing main character
Love and Rockets, Jaime Hernandez – one of the ‘new stories’ ones, didn’t love it as much as usual, the stories were a bit disconnected and hard to follow. I recently read The Love Bunglers though which is FANTASTIC and really well structured so maybe it was just a hard act to follow.
Also I’m currently reading Let’s Talk About Love: A Journey to the End of Taste by Carl Wilson and I want to give a copy to everyone I know.
thoughts on these books/recommendations for new things based on this list? Still pretty homebound for another week or so, please help me not go stir crazy!
*heart eyes*
I, too, loved Uprooted, and liked Ancillary Justice but not as much as I expected to (I blame the writing, which I thought was not strong enough for the very interesting world-building). and I walked into Boy Snow Bird prepared to love it and was very disappointed by the ending (weirdly shallow and definitely problematic).
Book twins! I’m not sure whether I should bother getting Ancillary Sword–have you read it? And any other fantasy recs along the lines of Uprooted?
Oh, I am up in the air about Ancillary Sword, but if it turns up in a used bookstore I will buy it so that my mild curiosity to see what happens is augmented by my desire to support brick-and-mortars.
And I wish I knew of another Uprooted-style book! I am always feeling at a loss for good fantasy–I feel like I go years between finding any that I like and can wholeheartedly recommend. But Naomi Novik has written many many other novels which I have not read., so that might be a place to start.
I feel the same, I find I read far more sci-fi than fantasy even though I like them equally just because appealing sci-fi seems to cross my path more often. I think the last fantasy books I read that pushed the same buttons for me was the Magicians trilogy by Lev Grossman, though it’s got a male protagonist.
Whaaaat we really are book twins, I actually had typed the Magicians Trilogy into my response. But although I loved its world and all the homage it paid to other worlds I’ve loved, there were many details in its execution that trouble me–so I backspaced and settled for throwing shade (i.e. liked but can’t “wholeheartedly recommend”).
While we’re on the subject of books with schools of magic, though, I’ll mention that one of the few fantasy novels I recently loved was Akata Witch by Nnedi Okorafor. Magic school in Nigeria, drawing on Nigerian folklore. It’s lovely, and I plan to read more of her books as soon as I get up the nerve (Who Fears Death sounds pretty brutal tbh).
Just put a hold on Akata Witch–excited! Thanks for sharing that!
Ooh, what were your issues with Magicians? I definitely didn’t think it was without flaw–it just really pulled me in!
Oh me too, but after I read the second one I was kind of like…. this author has a woman problem. As in, despite all this fantasy worldbuilding he can’t imagine women otherwise than Troubled But Sexy or Superior/Saintly. And when I read the third one I still had that in mind; I couldn’t put the book down, but was fascinated with a side of ugh.
And it’s weird because I’ve read some of the author’s interviews and he sounds like a guy who is aware of sexist tropes and probably sees himself as writing against them, but it’s not convincing for me.
OMG, the second book is one that I literally threw down and yelled “The fuck?” when reading it. Actually, the end of the Julia plot bugged me enough that I still haven’t read the third. (And I think in part it bugged me because I think the whole idea of following the NOT Chosen one is awesome and the kind of thing I often wondered about reading other books, usually leading me to sympathize with the wrong characters.)
Ugh, yeah that ending was not necessary. I generally like the series, but never recommend it to anyone because it’s just too problematic.
I’m reading the Magician’s Land at the moment and hoping I’m not going to regret it.
Unnecessary is 100% the word for it. After everything that had happened to Julia, and everything that had happened in that room in particular, the narrative had everything it needed to go on: subplot climax! character motivation! origin story! So to enact one final boss-battle outrage against Julia and then make that the source of her magical powers? Gratuitous. And just because she’s a woman in her own refrigerator doesn’t make it edgy. Ugh.
Who Fears Death is the most brutal book I have read in a very long time. I recommend it, but with the very strong caveat that you’ve got to be in an emotional space where you can stomach reading about basically every form of human cruelty.
As far as fantasy books that hit all the buttons go, after “Uprooted,” my favorite new book this year has been “The Fifth Season,” by N. K. Jemisin. Other books that have grabbed me:
City of Stairs, by Robert Jackson Bennett: I read this one after coming off a string of three books with poorly done female characters, and it was a breath of fresh air!
Alif the Unseen, by G. Willow Wilson: Modern-day fantasy set in “an unnamed Middle Eastern security state.” This one does have the “unlikeable main character dude grows into himself” story arc, but I loved every single one of the major supporting characters with my whole heart. It also makes a lot of interesting points about the intersection of mythology, fiction, religion, and reality, which is 100% up my alley but is not everyone’s cup of tea.
Older books that I always return to are Guy Gavriel Kay’s books (Tigana and the two Sarantine Mosaic books are my favorites) and the Bartimaeus Trilogy by Jonathan Stroud (YA, Bartimaeus is the single most entertaining first-person narrator I have ever read)
Who Fears Death is absolutely brutal, but it is also amazing.
Also I realized I forgot to include Super Sad True Love Story which I just finished. The snappy dialogue/deluge of passing references reminded me sooo much of Douglas Adams, who I enjoy but can only take it small doses. I liked SSTLS okay but I personally don’t enjoy it when authors spend a lot of time with detailed descriptions of a “physically repulsive” character’s flaws. I’m generally okay with unlikable main characters (and I’m not speaking about judging real-life physical traits but am referring to the way they’re coded in these books) but Lenny’s constant references to his nostril hair or disgusting feet or whatever reminded me of how in A Confederacy of Dunces’ it seemed like every other sentence was about the main character’s yellow eyeballs.
Oh, I love the Anastasia books!
I am about to finish Jude the Obscure, which I’ve been reading for MONTHS, and so I am excited and also looking forward to picking another huge classic to get into.
In the meantime I read other things, too, and blog about them!
Oooh I have so much reading stuff! I just finished Nickel and Dimed by Barbara Ehrenreich which I have been wanting to read forever. It did revive the ambient stress I experienced while trying to get by as a waittress post-college, so that was fun.
Just started The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt. I’m about 2 chapters into it and I both love her descriptions but also sometimes I just want the plot to move along.
I just shame-read Patricia Briggs’ Mercy Thompson series in about three days while riding out an awful autoimmune flare-up. I have given myself a firm talking to about urban paranormal actiony adventure stuff because if for no other reason I am sick to death of romance novels being advertised to me on my Kindle. Shut up, Amazon.
Now I am at loose ends and torn between bingeing on more guilty pleasures fiction or finding something Useful and Substantial and Whatnot. Ugh. I hate not actively reading something and trying to find something to read as much as I love actually reading.
I’m late, but I started Rebecca cause I kept seeing references to it (mostly around The Toast) and it’s amazing. I love the writing. I way relate to the protagonist (man, being 20 was awkward). And I’m curious to see where it’s all going.
I did the same last weekend, and I absolutely loved it as well!
Every Friday I go through the whole reading thread and pick out a book to read for the weekend, and I am never disappointed 🙂 I just finished Akata Witch which was recommended somewhere below.
You guys, I need help.
I’m about to get an offer for another job. I have never been so conflicted in my life. Normally I have gut feeling about things (ENFP represent) but on this one I am truly truly truly torn.
I was not looking (damn head hunters). I’ve been unhappy in my job in the past, but in the past 6-12 months things have really gotten pretty good. BUT change is afoot here, and it’s hard to anticipate if the changes are going to be good or bad. But I like my team, quite a bit, and am in a very strong position in the firm.
Lots of good things about new job, including potential to make quite a bit more cash (because of a more entrepreneurial comp structure). But that potential would crystallize right when I would be thinking about babbies (damn bio clocks). The work is pretty comparable, probably, but the devil is in the details.
PLEASE give me your tools that have helped you make hard decisions.
Negotiate with the new job offerors on the subject of maternity leave and parental benefits. Maybe that will tell you what kind of place they really are, and if it would be the right place for Future You.
Would your current job fight to keep you, and would you want them to? If you’re in a good position in a firm I tend to think that’s worth a lot, so that’s something to think about too when you think about your comp and career path.
Good luck!
Lists? Copious pro/con lists? I have a similar problem lurking on my horizon and all I can say is *I feel your virtual agony* Is the grass greener? Is it? HOW MUCH GREENER?
About 4 years ago, I had been fired from a terrible soul-sucking job, so I was absolutely scrambling to find something. I went on SO many interviews. I got a temp job that I was told from the outset would only be for 3 months, starting part-time and slowly ramping up to an event that would put me well into overtime for a few weeks. Those hours weren’t ideal – I needed all the hours!! ASAP because NYC ain’t cheap. But it was good experience and I really jived with my potential manager, so I figured I’d make it work somehow.
After the first half-day (like 4 hours, on a Wednesday) I had bonded with my manager even more, and she pulled me aside to ask how things were going. I was straight with her and said “Well, I have an interview on Friday because this is temp AND part-time, and if I get it, I love working here with you a LOT but I have to do what’s best for me.” She asked what it would take to get me to stay and I said “well… more hours at least, and a more permanent gig ideally.” She said she’d see what she could do and I went home for the day. We had the exact same conversation the next day and I stuck to my guns – I didn’t want to find another job, but I really needed more hours, permanency, etc.
Friday morning rolls around, the interview is fine but not spectacular, and I went to go see a movie before heading into work that afternoon. I got out of the movie and I’d received a VM from my manager letting me know that her boss, the CEO, was impressed by my work and her recommendation and wanted me to come in early to interview for a fulltime position they were trying to create for me.
4 years later I am still here.
TL;DR – stick to your guns, shoot for the moon, and trust your gut. Really, trust your gut. Flip a coin on the decision, and then listen to your gut’s reaction to the result.
If it’s a close call, realize that there is no “right” answer. What is your number one priority? Which choice better allows you to achive it?
Toasts! I’m knitting socks! After years of being tentative—those heel turns! Short rows! WTF is a gusset, anyway?—I am a sock-knitter! I’m working on a pair of tweedy beige alpaca ankle socks to wear with my cute clogs.
What are YOU making right now, Toasts?
I’m currently knitting a square for my hodgepodge blanket. I used to be in a LJ group that swapped 8″ squares every month, but that died, so now I have to knit a bunch myself to make the blanket large enough to be useful. It’s good knitting for being a car passenger on long trips, but also a bit boring.
Congrats on becoming a sock knitter!
I’m FINALLY finishing this scarf (http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/saroyan) in a really beautiful variegated gray. It was supposed to be mom’s xmas gift last year….then her birthday gift last year. I think I’ll be able to finish it by xmas this year though! (famous last words)
I really want to move on to socks, but I’m scared!
That’s a gorgeous pattern!
It’s very easy! It’s my first time doing anything more complicated than a hat & this pattern is really easy to follow & do! What’s nice is that it’s good TV knitting, because there’s long parts of just knit/purl, but a little bit of more engaging stuff at the end that keeps you from feeling like you’re just going on for eternity.
oh… here’s a link that should actually work: http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/saroyan
Don’t be scared of socks. Turning the heel is easy, just trust the instructions even when they sound weird. You can do it!
This weekend I’m starting work on my piece for a fandom (due South) holiday gift exchange. I’m thinking about taking up knitting again during my convalescence next month! Post pics of your socks when they’re done?
I am trying my first socks soon too! To be honest, I started them a while ago, then got sick of doing 2×2 rib on teeny needles and put the project aside. But I need to pick them up & start again so I can have ~warm fancy socks~.
Right now I’m working on a pair of gloves (also on teeny needles. I’m beginning to sense a theme here) and just realized I’m 30 yards short of the length suggested for the project…plus I have freakishly long fingers. I’m split on whether to cut an inch off the cuffs and plow ahead, or frog what I’ve got (just about 2 inches of the first cuff), do the cuffs in scrap yarn I’ve got around, and continue with the MC for the hand/fingers. Any thoughts?
I like the idea of the contrasting cuffs! What colours are you working with?
Main color is Knit Picks Stroll Glimmer in Fiji (http://www.knitpicks.com/yarns/Stroll_Glimmer_Yarn__D5420214.html). I have to check through my scrap yarn to see what I could use for the cuffs; there’s a darker variegated blue I have that might work, but I’d kind of like something brighter to make that main color really pop. OH WAIT or maybe I could frog this, do the socks first, and use the sock leftovers as the cuffs!! The sock yarn is white with a rainbow stripe woven through it- that would be great!!
I’m knitting a replacement for my Fitbit One sleep band, which is falling apart. But I do have a pair of socks that have been on needles for years. Hmm….
I love knitting socks. I have to do them two at a time on two circulars, though, or else I never finish the second one.
I haven’t knit anything in ages though, but I have a pretty scarf all queued up that my MIL got me. It’s a nice small size and I’ll take it when I travel for Thanksgiving, I think.
That’s the next step for me—the magic loop business. It seems like witchcraft.
You can do it! Magic loop does look daunting at first but once you see it in action, and knit a few rows, it’s like, Oh? Is that all there is to it?
I don’t actually do magic loop — which DOES seem like witchcraft — I just have two circs, each with half of a sock on them.
<a href=”http://knitting.about.com/od/knittingskills/ss/Knitting-Two-Socks-On-Two-Circular-Needles.htm#showall” target=”_blank”>http://knitting.about.com/od/knittingskills/ss/Knitting-Two-Socks-On-Two-Circular-Needles.htm#showall
I am making this wrap to wear to my wedding in December: http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/topiary . I am using a strand of dark green cashmere held together with a strand of dark green silk/wool. My knitting goal is to finish one full pattern repeat each day so that I finish it in time, but I keep falling short. Stupid sleep!
Oh, that sounds like it’ll be gorgeous!
I’m making a baby blanket! Then I need to finish a hat!
I started a soft orange plain cowl, but not sure I like it, and may frog back and start over with lacework.
I just finished knitting (!!!) a hat that is going to be my roommate’s Christmas present. Need to weave in ends and block still, but it exists off the needles and that is VERY EXCITING. I was working with a madelinetosh yarn (tosh vintage in “stargazing”) and I am absolutely enamored, especially with how rich and variegated the colors are. I wish I had the money to buy ten million skeins of it.
This was my first hat and may cause a rash of hat-knitting because I’m so pleased with how fast it worked up. Next I might use this pixel hat (http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/pixelated-hat) as my intro to stranded colorwork.
I am making surprising progress on this red dragon cross-stitch, which is exciting! The pattern and materials were a gift . . . in 2008 . . . so it’s kind of been in progress for a while.
That’s pretty cute! I have had a wizard vs. dragon cross stitch project in process for almost 10 years, but I’m at peace with that. It’s not going anywhere.
Thanks! The best part is that it’s a practice run of sorts for this ridiculously complicated and beautiful other dragon that I was ALSO given the same Christmas! So the red dragon is very fun to stitch, especially going back to it after a frustrating project that’s going to be a gift (and now that I’m stitching it in the hand instead of on a frame), but it also represents progress toward something I’ve been wanting to do for years, so it’s exciting too.
Apparently my wizard vs. dragon design is still around and available on Amazon http://www.amazon.com/Dimensions-Needlecrafts-Cou…. I guess wizard-dragon battles are a popular subject matter.
Sure! (Oh, black fabric. I just finished a gift that was on a medium blue and found it surprisingly difficult.) And Dimensions is a big name in kits. I did one of their fairies/angels in high school that’s apparently gone out of print (no surprise, more than 20 years ago).
I recently caught the sock bug too. Just finished my second pair. I have no idea what I was so scared of before! Now I feel justified buying all the pretty sock yarn out there.
I’m swatching for some sweaters and a vest and will probably cast on for a hat this weekend, so I have something small to knit while on a work trip. Or maybe another pair of socks!
Not knitting but just finished a live sketch portrait of a friend’s horse. The perspective is a bit off because (a) I always make the subject too big for the [paper] space and (b) “Rocky” was a figety subject, moving his head all over the place.
But his owner likes it, so that makes me happy!
I am making an impossible lace cardigan! http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/lace-card…
OMG that’s gorgeous!
Seamless sweaters ftw. I hate making large pieces of clothing because then I have to sew them together. I like to knit, not sew, wtf is this crap? So mostly I stick with blankets and things. But that’s a cute one!
I’m getting back into knitting after having not done it for years and I decided to start with something I’ve never done before, gloves! I bought this really lovely yarn a couple months back that just has gloves written all over it so I’ve finally started doing it (even though I stopped knitting, I was never able to stop myself from at least looking at yarn anytime I passed a yarn store).
Ugh, gloves are so fiddly. I made a pair of fingerless gloves out of handspun, and decided to never again do that. The next thing I cast on afterwards was… a pair of gloves. For the friend who threatened to steal that first pair if she didn’t get the exact same thing.
Augh, I *just* *yesterday* thought about starting on Christmas projects. I haven’t made socks in years but those are always the best things to give, aren’t they? I think I’m just gonna do a bunch of earflap hats instead though.
wow, knitting socks is something I’d love to learn, but I have trouble following knitting patterns.
i’m working on a boro textile after taking a class. trouble is, i just don’t have much time to sit and work on it, so it’s a mystery when it will finally be done. but it’s a nice activity, kinda freeform embroidery.
I finished my first embroidery sampler/practice piece last week.
I’m also going to make the Collette Cooper bag, which someone mentioned here a couple of weeks ago. I mentioned elsewhere that my main road bike was stolen this week, and I’m trying to channel all the anxious energy that’s producing into sprucing up my old bike and hopefully making it more ridable. Hence, fancy new pannier! Still plugging away on my Cordova sweater, and making a herringbone cowl since I’ve been knitting that sweater forever and needed a more short term satisfaction.
Neat! I don’t trust myself with freehanding things, so I stick with cross-stitch and admire people who do embroidery.
I’m about halfway through this cowl for my grandmother, and it’s looking so pretty! Beads! All the beads! (God they’re a bitch to put on)
Wow, very pretty!
I’ve been four rows away from finishing a cowl for over a year due to some sort of mental block and am afraid I’ve forgotten how to knit stitch in the interim.
(the mental block may be because my next project was supposed to be learning socks)
I’m making mitts out of sock yarn because I hate making socks (although full of admiration of people who don’t) and I can only make so many sock yarn hats: http://bohoknits.blogspot.ca/2009/05/sockhead-hat…
Why is sock yarn so wonderful and socks are so fiddly?
Oh wow I sense a way to procrastinate on socks now. That’s super cute!
Oh god, turning a heel is still one of my all time favorite things to do (knitting-wise). But I just hate all the other parts of socks! Most especially the need to knit two.
I finalllllly finished the lace weight scarf I was weaving and I just warped my loom for my first gift of the season. DK weight, already like 10 million times faster.
I’m starting planning for drop cloth curtains and christmas stuff. My amazon cart is filled with supplies for making homemade vanilla extract (for a bunch of folks) and a recipe box (for the newly married friends). I need to start figuring out crocheting and other crafty gift plans too.
I have too much house stuff to do before tgiving so no making stuff right now but my sister wants dresses for xmas so I’m excited to get started on those as soon as the tgiving hordes retreat!
I’m knitting these socks ( http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/pamina ) for my step-grandmother. I cut a repeat out of the cuff and she has very small feet, but I still suspect that I won’t be done before Christmas — I just turned the heel on the first one. But luckily I have a couple of plane flights coming up…
I’m working on some bridal party robes that I REALLY need to finish because the wedding is two weeks away and I still have several robes to go which would be fine except I need to build in time to hand stitch some fiddly bits.
I’m also one strap away from finishing my sister’s birthday Nora Doctor bag from Swoon patterns, which is exactly where I was two months ago. I’m fact, I might make that today’s project so it can stop sitting there, judging me.
Hello, yarn people! I am plugging away on a very basic pullover that I hope I will totally live in this winter. Top-down raglan, black wool with flecks of all the colors in it, and one big chunky cable down the middle just to keep me from totally dying of boredom.
I cannot properly express my joy in finding a secret cove of yarnies hidden in the depth of the Toast commentary…
I, myself, am knitting a black-and-white two layered cowl for christmas. It has very decorative skulls. It will make the recipient finally fall in love with me. If not, there’s a list of other knitting patterns I haven’t tried out yet.
Toasties, it has been A Week, and so I would like to know what made you happy this week. For me, it’s a combination of reading Mallory’s response to the GayScam email to my friends and making them cry with laughter and the fact that I am leaving early today for a road trip to a science communication camp and I give Not One Fuck about not being in lab (not true, but I’m pretending).
So- tell me your happy stuff! Let us wallow in joy together!
A WEEK.
Sleeping. Sleeping well has made me happy this week. (As in i’m sleeping so well I’m waking up 1/2 an hour before my alarm.)
You are the queen of GIFs. Long may your reign last!
my husband and I decided (well, I convinced him) to go to Asheville, NC for Christmas. So I can look forward to that holidays and just try to ignore my growing anxiety over Thanksgiving.
My husband’s out of town!
That sounds awful. I love my husband and he is wonderful and amazing and a great partner. But I love having the house to myself. The kitchen stays clean! The bed stays made! Leftovers stay in the fridge!
I’m sure I’ll start missing him eventually, but this week I’m basking in the glory of living alone.
It does not sound awful- I’m always happy to have a weekend where my roommate is out of town, but if she’s gone longer than a few days I start getting weird and paranoid.
I travel for work a few times a year, and my boyfriend doesn’t, which meant that I did not get more than a few hours alone in our apartment for two years – when he decided to take a solo trip to see his family. I love him dearly but wow did I not realize how nice having the apartment to myself would be.
The Burgomaster has been so supportive and encouraging and as close to perfect as is possible this week. Hurray for wonderful life partners!
I went to a fundraiser to celebrate a full year of my friend as the ED of Million Hoodies, and I’m SO FUCKING PROUD OF HIM and had a lovely evening hanging out with friends celebrating his work. That was great.
Well, it was my birthday this week, so what has made me happy has been all the delicious food and drinks I’ve been consuming to celebrate, oh and my friends and family treating me of course! Celebrations will continue on Saturday and I’m very excited to see so many of my different friends in one place. Hurrah!
Why thank you!
I visited home for the first time since getting to university this week! It’s reading week (for all non-uk toasties, a week that arts students get where there are no lectures or seminars, so you can do all your reading) I saw all my friends, I got to see all my books again, I could watch TV, I didn’t have to cook for myself, it was wonderful!
And then I came back and my flatmate gave me a steamed sponge pudding because she didn’t want it. (Pudding is a tradable commodity here and she just gave it to me freely!)
Also, my sister who has always struggled with academics is about to graduate from undergrad with a 2:1! She called me up practically crying with joy and I literally screamed in the middle of a kitchen I share with seven other people.
I’m keeping up with NaNoWriMo! I am writing something objectively terrible and I am 100% okay with it and still determined to push on!
we’ve got tickets to see Chris Hardwick’s “Funcomfortable Tour” tomorrow night 😀
i had a female bodied human friend person over to MY APARTMENT to build a blanket fort, eat Mac&Cheese and hotdogs, and watch Maleficent. this was A Big Deal for me and it was so much fun. 10/10 would recommend.
i get to leave work an hour early today!!!!!!!!!!
UM WAIT science communication camp?! Tell me everything!
I have also had A Week unpleasantly full of drama and feelings. I’m hoping for a no-feels (rest-of-)November but we’ll see how it goes. I think a no-feels weekend is manageable at least.
Here’s my minor happy thing: I believe a young man was trying to impress me with his Family Castle Situation at a wedding last weekend, and the expression on his face when I told him I believed that aristocracy was immoral and should be abolished is still giving me life.
You are a hero.
This has been a terrible week.
But we got a new fridge! It is a glorious walk-in closet for my food and I love it.
this week, what made me happiest was how lovely the weather has been in new york (ok, ignore those moments of rain/bluster, all in all A+ november) – perfectly fallish, perfect for long walks. mr inkwash and I have taken a few together, which considering our normal schedules was pretty outstanding. that we had more than an hour together before 10pm! on more than one day!
also, I finished a new painting and am feeling really good about it.
these things make all of the stressful parts of life fade away for awhile, and it’s so, so good.
I tried out the oven in the new place for the first time since we moved in. Combined factor of having a two year old and also an uncompromising chronic illness, it’s a lot of effort to get myself pointed in the right direction, but baking is something I love, so I was really happy. I learned a lot about the over in the process and feel moderately ready for throwing myself into holiday food adventures. And got some chocolate chip toffee cookies out of the deal.
I got my bridesmaid dress for my friend’s wedding in two weeks and it fits and suits me and as the designated party bridesmaid I am looking forward to getting inappropriately drunk and trying to pick up a groomsman. (The bride is egging me o because she is wonderful and maybe pregnant? She said we have to catch up on Tuesday because she has news for me and it’s all I can think of and I WANT TO KNOWWWWWW.)
I am a college prof and have had to deal with three different cases of academic dishonesty in one week. It’s so sad and disheartening that students make this choice, insulting that they think I won’t notice, and time-consuming, given all the bureaucratic tasks/conversations that must follow. I am so tired and can’t wait for this week to end!!!!! Five hours until I get to drink beer and binge-watch the rest of Master of None.
Ugh, I had about 10 students do that (high school juniors) at the beginning of this school year. I am trying my best to drill into them how terrible this is so that they won’t have to deal with much tougher consequences in college and make your life miserable. My AP Lang kids are all now properly terrified! I wish more high schools had more strict policies regarding academic dishonesty so students had the fear of God put in them before they become college cheaters.
Also, I wish they wouldn’t cheat. Jerks.
As a tiny baby college student, this sickens me. My roommate is on judicial board here and always comes in the room after the meeting groaning “WHY CANT YOU JUST DO YOUR OWN WORK. and also cite pls”
Then we listen to 21 chump street. “seriously these kids need to learn there are consequences in life”
I feel you. Besides being disheartening, it is such a time-suck to deal with this. At my institution there is this byzantine protocol that actually makes the whole thing worse. Plus our Honor code means that it is on your record FOREVER. I actually make this little speech at the start of the semester because I don’t think they really realize it. May beer o’clock be open you soon.
My old institution used to straight-up expel plagiarists, or suspend for a year, depending on severity. It was stressful reporting them for this reason because the consequences were so dire — ugh.
(Edit: Not that I disagree with the policy — just, it was stressful for all concerned.)
If it helps, I’m a subeditor and was sent three articles with wikipedia links in them this (and last, since I was off for three days this week) week. None of the guilty parties had realised that if you just paste from wikipedia into word, it keeps the links to random words and so I WILL KNOW.
It is explicitly stated in all the training documents that wikipedia is not a suitable source, which I am never convinced really ought to need saying to professional writers but apparently I am an optimist.
When my brother was clerking for a federal judge in NYC, he had an attorney submit briefs with wikipedia citations. And even worse, the actual wikipedia entry disproved the point the attorney was making his claim on! (It was something to do with jurisdiction and maritime law, I think–for awhile my brother accidentally became a semi-expert on maritime law.) I think the judge did let my brother slip in a line in the written decision to the effect of “Even if this court were ever to accept Wikipedia citations, they wouldn’t accept ones that are NONSENSE.” Except in more polite lawyer-y talk.
Ugh, I too teach college students and have had to deal with some academic dishonesty hearings — they are the very worst. I am sending you all the best vibes, enjoy the beer and Netflix.
I am taking a lab class and I have been waiting to get back a lab report for 2 months because some jerk in my class plagiarized theirs. The administration hasn’t let our professor release any grades and nobody knows who did it, but our class was told that “someone” plagiarized their report about 6 weeks ago and we have been waiting for resolution ever since. I feel bad for the teacher and also very annoyed. Sorry your students are being jerks!
it’s like you want to sit them down and ask about their plans to go into intellectual property infringement as a career, since that’s all they’re “studying” for.
The progression of faces my dog makes when guilty may just be the best thing ever. Or possibly the most terrifying. You decide.
To be fair, I still don’t know what she was acting guilty about…
I’ve heard there was research where they found that the guilty look dogs wear is purely a response to how the human is behaving, and has zilch to do with whether or not the dog has anything to be guilty about.
Mine will sometimes do it the second I walk in the door. No prompting or anything. But she’ll definitely keep it up if you just keep repeating ‘shame, shame, shame, Cloe, aren’t you ashamed at the mystery thing you’ve done, shame.’ …I’m probably a horrible dog owner. But it’s a hysterical expression. The first time she did it was the day after I found her. I came home, sat down and she jumped in my lap with that look on. I thought she was about to eat my face.
Apparently it is a submission face according to more learned people than me? My dog knows her place. This is good.
Personally I think those are the expressions of a dog who is going to be ruling the known universe.
And yay for shamelessly teasing our critters! Not that we’d ever dream of mocking our cat’s dignity when she has paused with a hind leg stuck behind her ear and an imperious expression, oh no.
That’s interesting! Definitely not my experience, though. When my beagle has done something bad, he’s always at the bottom of the stairs when we get home, where he runs and hides when he’s in trouble.
If he’s been good, he’s at the top of the stairs. It’s before we’ve found whatever he’s done wrong.
He often tries to hide his transgressions (stolen knives, containers, etc) under blankets, and it’s only his demeanor that gives us a clue to look for the mischief.
Yeah our corgi tends to either have accidents or pees in spite inside, and you know when she has done it, as she tries to hide under your feet or gets cuddly (she is not a cuddly dog).
There’s always a tell!
STOLEN KNIVES HIDDEN UNDER BLANKETS
That dog is metal.
As a puppy, he indulged in cliff jumping and eating razors. Knife licking is a staid pursuit of his middle age.
Huh, really? The face was always how we actually discovered my dog’s naughtiness. He had a deep love for licking burrito wrappers and was aces at gently pulling them out of the trash undetected. But he had a real people pleaser thing going on and eventually he’d crack and start making sad faces and go in his crate. That’s when we knew to check for wrappers under his blankies.
Guilty dog face is the best/most pitiful. My parents’ dog sneezes and makes this face when she feels guilty, which is often because she’s pretty mischievous.
If that’s her guilty face, she’s going places.
That is the best. My favorite dog video is the Denver the guilty dog one, where he is making this exact series of expressions.
Baking thread? I’m looking for coffee cake recipes to make over Thanksgiving, since my family is still in mourning over the fact that Wegmans stopped making a lot of their breakfast pastries (RIP Manhattan Pecan Kuchen). I made the Smitten Kitchen Mom’s apple cake recipe a couple of days ago and it’s great, but it doesn’t feel breakfast-y, if that makes sense. Like, I’ll eat cake for breakfast any day of the week, but other people in my family might not.
AAH, the King Arthur Flour “Our Favorite Sour Cream Coffee Cake” is so so so good. I have made it easily 8 times this year and ppl love it. http://www.kingarthurflour.com/recipes/our-favori…
This link is currently not working, so:
INGREDIENTS
Cake
1/2 cup (4 ounces) butter
1 cup (7 ounces) sugar
2 large eggs
2 cups (8 1/2 ounces) King Arthur Unbleached All-Purpose Flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup (8 ounces) sour cream or yogurt*
*Feel free to use low-fat (NOT nonfat) sour cream or yogurt; if using yogurt, try vanilla or another complementary flavor, if desired.
Topping
1/2 cup (3 1/2 ounces) sugar
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
2 teaspoons vanilla
1/2 cup (2 ounces) chopped walnuts, optional
INSTRUCTIONS
1. Cream together the butter or margarine, sugar, and eggs. In a separate bowl, mix together the flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Add the flour mixture to the butter mixture alternately with the sour cream or yogurt, stirring after each addition.
2. Grease and flour a regular-sized (9 1/2-inch) tube pan or bundt-style pan, or a 9 x 9-inch pan. Spread half the batter in the pan, and sprinkle with half the topping mixture. Repeat with remaining batter and topping.
3. Bake the coffeecake in a preheated 350°F oven for 25 to 30 minutes, or until the cake tests done. Cool it for 10 to 15 minutes, then remove it from the pan. (If you’ve baked it in a 9 x 9-inch pan, just serve it right from the pan.) Place the cake right-side-up (topping up) on a plate to serve.
Yield: about 12 generous servings.
YES. Something about the sour cream makes it so soft and plush. A big ol’ hunk of this with coffee is an amazing breakfast.
I connect this cake so much with my sweet nana that just seeing the recipe made me feel wistful.
I just remembered I have a random, unopened container of sour cream in the fridge at home and GOD BLESS YOU FOR SHARING THIS.
I have just made gingerbread brownies and gingerbread cupcakes, with cream cheese icing. Have cleaned up the icing sugar explosion in the kitchen and they are all cooling waiting to be iced.
ooh lovely! I have a chocolate gingerbread bundt cake in the oven right now, and it is making me quite happy.
King Arthur flour has a cinnamon crumb coffee cake that’s pretty awesome- outrageously sweet, though.
My mom makes a whole bunch of these http://www.marthastewart.com/1025945/cranberry-or… or something vvveeerrryyy similar to give away as Christmas gifts each year, but then she makes a big one in a 9X13 pan for us to have on Christmas morning while we’re opening our presents. The cranberries make it feel holiday-ish, but something about the orange juice and zest keeps it breakfast-y.
I used to make this recipe and wow do I miss eating it. I usually ate it as an afternoon-coffee sort of treat, though. For breakfast pastries, maybe try these doughnut muffins? I remember them actually tasting like doughnuts (it’s the nutmeg) which I thought was freaking magical.
Those doughnut muffins are the actual best.
Aren’t they just? I’m so glad someone else here has tried them because just damn.
I’m a fan of this recipe: http://www.marthastewart.com/965160/cinnamon-stre…
I’ve also made it with chopped, cooked apples under the streusel layers (if you cook them a bit first the apples release less moisture into the cake)
I made banoffee pie yesterday, because I love my spouse, and you Toasties helped me find recipes & the confidence to boil a can of condensed milk for three hours.
It was the yummiest.
I always just cook the condensed milk in a pan, out of the can, after having seen the aftermath of 3 #10 cans exploding in a restaurant kitchen.
My local bakery makes a killer sour cream coffee cake. I haven’t tried this recipe that claims to be a copycat but if it’s half as good as the original it’s totally worth it! http://foodstoriesblog.com/2013/01/15/sour-cream-…
Smitten Kitchen is heaven. I suggest maybe if your family will not eat cake for breakfast, you should audition new ones.
Would you accept the Smitten Kitchen Mom’s Apple Cake recipe as an apple pie substitute? Because right now my thanksgiving plan has us ousting Julia Child’s applesauce tart for the Smitten Kitchen apple cake…
Smitten kitchen has a sour cream coffee cake I’ve made a few times to rave reviews:
smittenkitchen.com/blog/2006/11/cubes-of-colossal-cheer/
My family has a tradition where my sister and I bake a coffee cake on Christmas morning while our parents are out doing chores (since animals wait for no holiday), and we always use the same recipe: the Pecan Toffee Coffee Cake from In the Sweet Kitchen, which you can find here http://katieatthekitchendoor.com/2013/04/08/pecan…. It’s unspeakably delicious–the filling is a little fiddly, what with not letting it touch the sides of the pan, but the key is not feeling compelled to use all of it.
25 years ago, I was an extra in Home Alone: AMA
How many zillions of times did you have to sing the song? Does it still haunt your dreams??
Haha, it certainly doesn’t haunt me to this day, but yeah, we had to sing the same few songs a lot of times. I believe we were actually singing alongside a recording of ourselves to make the sound fuller. The girls choir came from two local Catholic schools, Ascension School and Trinity High School, but I got to be included because my mom worked at the church. The choir robes were provided by wardrobe and not what anyone at our church or theirs would have normally worn.
I’m leaving for my vacation tomorrow! Finally! Most of my trip is a planned tour but I have one full day in Dublin and one full day in London where I’m just going where the wind takes me. Any suggestions?
SO many suggestions! Ok, for Dublin: go to Trinity University and buy a ticket to enter the old library. It is really beautiful and you should check out the Book of Kells. There will be a line probs but in my view it’s worth it. Also take a walk around St. Stephen’s Green, a lovely park in the middle of Dublin.
For London, I can’t imagine what to distill into a single day, but I would recommend using your time to just WALK. Like, everywhere. Since you may not have time to do a major museum or tourist attraction. A lot of what’s below is on the Thames, which is why I would suggest sticking to Central London and doing a long loop around the Thames for good sightseeing. If you cross over Millennium Bridge you’ll be going from the Tate Modern on the South Bank to the neighborhood with St. Patrick’s Cathedral (I think?) on the North Bank, both very worthy attractions. Walk around Bond St. and Pall Mall and Piccadilly Circus and Covent Garden and touristy areas like that. If it’s a Saturday or Sunday hit the Portobello Market in Notting Hill.
If it’s Thursday through Sunday, then go to Borough Market, the world’s greatest food market right next to the London Bridge tube stop. Get some mushroom paté and flirt with the cute guys at the cheese stands and please try the raclette sandwich it will blow you away.
Also by the Thames is Somerset House, and if you like Post-Impressionism there’s a fantastic little gallery inside that won’t take you terribly long to get through. Don’t pay for the London Eye unless it’s really nice out.
You could also ball out and do afternoon tea at the Wolseley. It’s expensive, but I still dream about those scones and clotted cream. Worth it.
I’ve gotten most of the big tourist stuff out of the way the two times I’ve visited London before so luckily I don’t have to try to cram it all into one day! I might check out Somerset House and also you have put the idea of scones and clotted cream in my head and now I don’t think I can survive without them so I hope I haven’t spent all of my money by the time I get to London! I’ve had plenty of scones in my day but the only time I’ve experienced the joy of clotted cream was at the Pump Room in Bath 15 years ago.
Oh that’s good you’ve been before, so you won’t feel the pressure! I adore afternoon tea, the fancier the better, and it’s just not the same in the U.S. Another place I’d recommend for tea is Brumus at the Haymarket Hotel. But there’s plenty more great ideas here: http://www.timeout.com/london/food-drink/afternoo… (Time Out London was my Bible when I lived there)
As a Londoner who walks over Millennium Bridge several times a week on my commute, confirm it is an excellent idea for a touristy stroll.
I spent a couple days in London by myself last year and I thoroughly enjoyed this deeply weird little museum.
Weird museums are the best museums!
If you like beer, do tour the Guinness storehouse – nifty history, including a whole room of fun Guinness advertisements, and a truly lovely view of the city from the bar at the top of the tower. The National Museum is also lovely, and has bog bodies! (Who doesn’t like looking at bog bodies?)
Mmmm, beer.
I’m glad somebody else finds the bog bodies exciting.
the National Museum of Ireland is pretty cool, in the Natural History museum you can see enormous skeletons of Irish elk, which are now extinct, and in the Archaeology part they have several bog bodies just chillin in their little glass enclosures, which is one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. (can you tell what type of nerd I am) It’s also free!
I would also recommend avoiding the Temple Bar unless you adore your fellow tourists. O’Donoghue’s pub, next to St. Stephen’s Green, usually has pretty great live traditional music, if you’re interested in that. I lived in Dublin for 2 months one summer! I miss it terribly!
Dublin is my hometown, AMA!
Around this time of year powerscourt shopping center is well worth a visit, its built in an old town house (mansion more like) and there’s an entire corridor of vintage jewelers that I like to wander down during Christmas! Not far from there is George’s Street arcade with cute little stalls where much of my youth was wasted. There’s also the George near there which is a famous gay bar, and Crackbird, a chicken restaurant like Nandos, is close too, never eaten there but anyone in Dublin will tell you its ‘Class’ (amazing)
I don’t know what else to suggest that hasn’t already been said, Dublin is small, you can walk everywhere in the city center. If you have time take the DART to killiney\dalkey and she our version of Beverly hills and some epic coastal views.
Good bars:
Sweeny mongrels (very hipster, usually packed)
Liquor rooms (cocktails + burlesque)
Fibber mcgees (heavy metal dive bar)
Club hell under Tara Street (heavy metal club night on Saturdays, v cheap drinks)
The front lounge (THE dyke bar)
Panti Lounge (gay bar, run by the amazing queen of Ireland Panti Bliss)
The best thing I did in Dublin was go on the Literary Pub Crawl! So funny and interesting and drunken!
And I’m back! This is me lol
Cat thread.
The weather may be miserable, but at least the cat is decorative and cozy.
Julie likes to jump in the bathtub immediately after I get out.
Casimir does that too. Which means there’s constantly a pile of orange fur on the bottom of the tub. Thanks, Caz.
Oh yeah. My little plumbing snake gets a lot of use, and it’s (mostly) not my hair I’m pulling up.
Saffron used to until she was a bit premature one day and the bath was almost completelt full. Now she pauses on the side to check it’s only paddling depth!
My cats did that in my old place, but not my new one! It’s a Cat Mystery.
Your cat looks ready to seduce someone lol
Well, he is named Gomez for a reason…
I love your table SO MUCH. The foot caps!
It does pack a bit of a punch. Definitely worth fifty bucks. And the two hour drive. To a trailer. On a farm. On a dirt road. On an island. In the middle of Lake Champlain. In the dead of winter. I was 30% certain I’d wind up dead answering that craigslist ad. But worth it.
I have the same one! Almost the same. The legs are exactly the same at least. My grandpa bought it in China…50 years ago? It’s the best table ever.
I think the guy I got mine from said it was acquired in Egypt in the forties. It really is an awesome table. Every now and then I’ll see them selling online for large wads of cash and giggle inanely to myself. Because I have to feel superior any way I can.
Rosa contemplates the hardship of being a Tiny Cat.
SO hard. So very hard. Our girlie weighs 3kg (6.5lb) and bosses around every human she meets. Here you can see her being oppressed by a sunbeam.
(Was that too big?)
Decorative, cozy, AND perfectly back-lit!
If nothing else Gomez knows the power of presenting yourself to your best advantage.
Thanks to all the Toasties who voted for Triton for my local Human Society calendar! We made the cut and he is Mr. July 2016!
Here he is, reacting to the news:
Muppet face!
There is no room for humans on this sofa.
Raspberry-blowing tummy
And the dictionary definition of comfort
Begging cat is begging:
So imperious!
Modern still life: cat, basil, and router.
How We Live Now.
I have no more thumbs to give this post and for that I am sorrowful.
Love your wall art!
I was out of town last weekend, and the cats kept the petsitter well entertained:
I believe they were happy to see me, and also seem a little friendlier with each other. Butts touching during naps/grooming is a sign of real affection here.
Your home is beautiful – is that a weird thing to say?
Edit: I see now that someone else said it, so I feel OK. Cute house!
We’re very into shelves at the moment.
An oldie, but it’s gotten cold enough to retrieve the fleece TARDIS
Your cat is f’ing AWESOME. <3
This is my girl hiding under the bed from the cat sitter. Her hiding skills…leave a bit to be desired.
Hello from New Cubicle-stan! I finally got everything set up here and even though I worked 12.5 hours yesterday (in my first week!) I’m feeling pretty good.
Can we get a “little happinesses” thread or something? The place I went for training ended up being two streets away from my old apartment, so I was able to stop back at my favorite cupcake shop and had those for breakfast today. How about you, Toasties?
The other grad student and I are eating chocolate cake for breakfast and it’s awesome.
This week I got to go on two hour-long walks at sunset, which was just gorgeous, and my husband also heard the heartbeat of our unborn child, after which we ate tacos, so that was a good day.
I found a super-weird recipe for potato and carrot-based vegan cheese that seemed like a good way to use up some random pantry items, and it turns out to be delicious, economical, and (since I packed my food processor when I thought I’d found a place to live) do-able with an immersion blender. It’s also a very pretty color.
Recipe please please please!
http://www.veggieonapenny.com/vegan-cheese/
This was the first recipe I found, but you can also leave the oil out with virtually no difference or radically reduce it, add English mustard for a spicier spread,etc. …it still surprises me how well this stuff works!
Happiness: The gigantic half-salmon fillet thawing for dinner that I bought months ago when they were on megasale.
Happiness: I am getting my internet fixed Sunday, which means soon I shall again be watching the X-Men Animated Series in one hundred percent of my free time.
Now where’s that blasted salami?!
I’m having leftover Kraft mac and cheese with hot dogs, also leftover raspberry pie, for lunch.
I had chocolate ice cream for lunch. No regrets.
any toasties watching london spy? thoughts? feelings about how beautiful ben whishaw is? anyone else have trouble falling asleep after how distressing and disturbing it was?
Yes! I have maybe too many feelings about how beautiful Ben Whishaw was… Danny seems to dress superbly, too.
I also loved all the delightfully goofy and awkward bits when Danny and Alex were falling in love. (“Sorry, my room’s normally tidier than this. *pause* It’s never tidier than this…”). Though that was slightly counteracted by how horrific the final sections were. :s I JUST WANT THEM TO BE OK AND GO FOR MORE WALKS TOGETHER.
i have tooo many questions. what is scottie up to? was it actually alex in the trunk? was the whole bdsm set-up staged? was it staged by the same person who sent him the key? or did alex send him the key pre-emptively if he knew something would happen? what was on the little drive that danny swallowed?
i mean, i assume there are a few moments when alex must have actually been telling the truth to danny:
1.when they’re walking (because he knows they aren’t being surveilled)
2. the first time he’s in danny’s apartment (because the surveillance on danny didn’t start until after that first time)
3. when he turns up the radio to tell danny about the laptop battery (because he knows something will happen, and wants to put the idea in his mind?)
SO MANY QUESTIONS
Oh man, I saw gifs on tumblr and I WANT IT. Where can it be watched in the US? (please be google for me, I don’t understand how to google for things like this)
someone uploaded the first episode to vimeo and then posted it on tumblr, which is how i watched it. if you google “”LS Ep 1″ vimeo,” you’ll find it! i am hoping the same user will provide the rest of the episodes as well…
Thank you!!!
Saw it and loved it. Did nothing to dampen my crush on Ben Whishaw.
I think my favourite moment was Scottie’s reaction to Danny stripping off in front of him. Such a viciously dignified response. That said, there’s something very not quite right about that whole dynamic – which is great drama, but it’s a bit of a shame the older/younger gay male friendship wasn’t explored as being entirely platonic.
ugh yes, scottie is so creepy, but i also felt for him in that moment. i really really really hope they don’t go the whole “scottie murdered him in a jealous rage and it had nothing to do with him being a spy” route, but i trust they won’t.
i also wish they’d show a stable older/younger gay friendship, but i also kind of like how alone it really makes danny. he really doesn’t have anyone he can trust, which makes the stakes higher.
Haven’t watched it (I’ll have to put it on the list), but had to throw in my two cents, which is that yes, Ben Whishaw is ridiculously beautiful. Him as Keats in Bright Star nearly killed me.
Bright Star, man. What a movie.
Besides Ben Whishaw being charming and heartbreakingly consumptive, I really liked how Fanny Brawne is, you know, a little bit difficult personality-wise — speaks frankly and is sometimes a shade arrogant — but she’s still presented as the heroine. It’s a bit unusual for a female movie character, especially a romantic heroine. Most strikingly, she doesn’t have to be trained out of those qualities before Keats can fall in love with her.
But anyway,
1) Keats sitting on the floor repeatedly stroking the cat (I see what you did thar, Campion, and I’m still kind of turned on), and
2) Just, Abbie Cornish’s broad shoulders. Whoof.
Toasties, I am finally going to make a proper complaint about my home care agency (I’m disabled) to the Care Inspectorate, and follow it through this time, rather than chickening out. I got hold of Action Fraud to ask if they considered the shenanigans with my care budget to be fraud (I’ve lost thousands. I’m living on disability benefits), and they said they did. I won’t follow it up with the police just yet, I am terrified of getting stranded without my home care and want to go through the Care Inspectorate first, but thank God it’s not just me. They have been gaslighting the fuck out of me, and I really don’t do well with mind games. This means that I really will have to change home care agency this time, and social services are absolutely *terrifying* round here. Virtual tea and sympathy, please?
This sounds really scary and you are being so incredibly brave! Go you! I really hope you get into a better situation soon.
Thank you! I’ve tried several times in the past but chickened out once it got to the stage where I had to start excavating emails for proof. This time, I think the disappearing money has them a lot more interested, and I imagine the burden of proof will be on the agency to account for it. Here’s hoping I make it through!
Thank you. That is strangely hypnotic.
Sending you tea and sympathy and my best exercise for anxiety brain: when I need my brain to knock it off and let me relax, I decide on a setting (in the desert, on a river, in a tiny house, whatever appeals at the moment) and describe it to myself in crazy detail. The concentration of picturing a place in that much detail seems to override the crazy part of my brain enough to let me breathe a bit. Hope you have something that works for you.
I went for diazepam and finally getting into the shower, but that sounds like an excellent idea! I think I used to do something a bit like that for getting to sleep, years ago.
All the tea and sympathy!! You are being incredibly strong and brave: that agency sounds horrific.
(Also, I have to say that your username is the best one ever)
18th century redheaded lesbian feminists forever! I should find her a suitable avatar, this is a really old one I put up when England were so busy rushing to get same-sex marriage in before Scotland did that they screwed over trans folks, so we were talking about trans equality too.
And thank you! I’ve been comforting myself for years by saying that they’re nowhere near as bad as my last one, but on thinking it over…
I don’t know why more people don’t fall backwards from Austen into the world of awesome 18th century heroines! Simple step from P&P, to Evelina, to the rest of Burney, to Edgeworth, and then, before you know it, you’re devouring Clarissa and watching Richardson tie himself into knots, writing a novel that shreds purity/rape culture, when he was clearly attempting to do the opposite . Plus creating amazing characters like Anna.
Oh, right … these books are super long and dense.
It’s horrible that you’ve had two agencies treat you badly: I hope the next one is better!
I’m going to try to set up independent whatsits so I don’t have to deal with shitty agencies again. I’ve never managed to get them to do it in the past, though I think they’re legally obliged to, but I imagine the Care Inspectorate will light a fire under them. Especially if the police get involved.
One curious thing about Clarissa is how she very clearly has PTSD and Stockholm Syndrome, centuries before they were discovered, and dies of anorexia. Yet critics tie themselves in knots trying to prove that she died of, erm, TB! Or something! Honestly, the text couldn’t be clearer on the subject.
Lovely Welsh tea that my Nana and I used to drink together. Good for every disaster and even nicer for every victory.
Best of luck to you.
I have a religion question for Toasties!
I’m a Zen Buddhist, and I’m planning to ask to become a formal student of a certain order. Part of the process is talking to a group of monks and students about why you want to become a student. So I’ve thinking about this, and I think I can answer why Zen, why Buddhism, why this specific place. But why religion in general? Why do I feel the need to enter a formalized religious tradition? Why are some people ok without one, and others are not? What needs does it answer? I have some ideas, but I’m curious about asking Toasties these questions, after reading the Convert Series. Why do you feel the need for religion?
For me, I think Zen provides a way to perform life when I know that I will die one day. I’m not afraid of death, but I do get that existential “why am I writing a report at my work desk when I will die one day and I should be really LIVING?” feeling. And me me Zen helps answer the need I have to confront what I think of as the big, important issues we have as impermanent beings.
Short story: I feel like I’ve needed a place to talk about deep questions and do social justice stuff with a supportive community, so I started going to the local Unitarian Universalist church with my sister. (In that regard, I guess “convert” is probably not the best word, but…)
Long story: I grew up in an ELCA household. Pretty liberal, but it was still not really for me, especially since I had an interest in meditation and Eastern religion, as well as a smattering of pagan ideas. I considered myself a “Christian mystic” for a long period of time and then that changed to just “agnostic” because of some of my changing attitudes. Meditating by myself and having that self-reflection is still really important to me, but I really wanted to find a place with a community because I felt like I would be able to do more good things and stay focused with a group of relatively like-minded people. Plus, I missed some of the aspects of ritual, like singing.
I love ritual too. Have you ever read any of Karen Armstrong’s books? She talks about ritual as giving you a type of understanding that regular cognition and logic doesn’t.
Surprisingly not yet! And yes, I totally agree with that. I forgot to mention in my initial response that I thought about local pagan and Buddhist groups, too, but I 1) either couldn’t find any or 2) couldn’t find any I felt comfortable in. I knew three friends who went to UU, so that seemed the best choice.
I’m in a somewhat similar position. Having been a generic neopagan for more than half my life and generally allergic to organized religion, I recently joined a druidry organization. One aspect of it was the loneliness; I was finding it harder and harder to get in touch with people who shared my beliefs (or really who would even bother to put forth the effort to understand them). Another was wanting some structure: being alone and also trying to create all of your own religious practices is exhausting, and I wasn’t able to do it any longer.
But a large part of it was the community aspect – not just avoiding the loneliness of feeling misunderstood, but of knowing that you don’t have to be the only person carrying this weight. The acknowledgement that you alone cannot do everything that needs to be done, and there are other people doing other parts of it, and you are bringing them something only you can do. (Paradoxically, joining the beginning of the clergy training path has given me more relief from the pressure of feeling like I have to be my own clergy than anything else.) There is a group of people who agree with you on some fundamental things, and they are willing to help.
The community aspect is a big part of it for me too, and I really appreciate what you said about structure and loneliness–I also find it difficult to create my own practice at home, and I definitely benefit from having others who share my philosophy and who can discuss the questions we all have. I’m glad you found the right place for you, and doing clergy training sounds really rewarding.
Organized religion gives you some walls to kick against, parameters to consider and accept or reject. And the community is a part of that, people with whom to check in, so that we don’t wander off into the wilderness so far we end up sitting on top of a pillar for twenty years.
I like how you put that. I’m finding, as someone who has been an individual practitioner for a long time, that the nice thing about organized religion/groups in general is that it’s nice to know where there are people who are actually “experts” in certain areas.
I mean, yeah, one big turn off is that you’re going to encounter people who think there is only one way to do your thing. But I would rather seek the advice of, say, a hospice chaplain who follows a certain religion than a random person who is so individualistic that they think they are the only one who knows what’s up and offers you unsolicited advice on how to deal with your grief.
I was raised Catholic, and I left the church when I was 15 and told that I needed to make a promise to be chaste until marriage and informed that if you have sex before marriage, Jesus might forgive you if you don’t use contraception. (Seriously. Plus, they turned it into a verb. “These teenagers, not only are they having sex, but they CONTRACEPT!!!!”)
But I do really miss being catholic just because of the ritualistic, repetitive aspect of it. I still say rosaries before bed when I’m feeling particularly anxious or stressed because the repetition just calms me down so much. And I love going to latin mass (in the most liberal church I can, on campus in the multi-denominational chaplaincy centre on campus at my uni) because its just a really nice way to calm myself down. Its just so familiar, you know?
I think ritual and repetition are a really good way of being calm and present in the moments, and that is one of the things I really miss about religion.
Hello Toast friends. I would just like to inform you that there is a fountain in Hamburg called the Stuhlmann Brunnen and it consists of a statue of two burly centaurs fighting over a giant bug-eyed fish while lizards and merpeople spit on them.
German Wikipedia: “This sculpture is generally regarded as an allegory of the long rivalry between the neighboring towns of Altona and Hamburg in fishing and processing.” OF COURSE IT IS.
Also, at least one of the spitting merpersons has visible butt crack: http://s3-media3.fl.yelpcdn.com/bphoto/IpXqLNfUT-…
Finally, public art that speaks to me and my interests.
http://www.yelp.com/biz_photos/stuhlmann-brunnen-…
THANK YOU THAT IS ALL
this is everything.
also, your username just reminded me of this: http://oz.wikia.com/wiki/Bunbury
probably not what you were going for, but maybe worth knowing about.
I love this statue. It seems like something out of Harry Potter.
That is definitely a special piece of art and reminds me of the Peace Fountain near New York’s St. John the Divine. I cannot find a photo that does it justice, but the statue involves the Archangel Michael swording the crab of evil while being…triumphantly and erotically snorgled?…by a pair of giraffes, and stepping on the smiling face of the sun. It is, for lack of a better descriptive phrase, quite something.
there is a lot going on there. crab, demon, angel, sun, moon. giraffes! so many giraffes. there are more on the other side of the base. what’s with all the giraffes?!
oh wowwwwww
http://41.media.tumblr.com/614e9b385c5de5b1849759…
Peace Fountain aka Don’t Take the Bronze Acid
I would also refer you to this one in the botanical garden in Copenhagen. (not my cat who I accidentally pasted first time)
“LOOK AT IT!”
“rather not, thanks.”
I just have to get this off my chest, any other Ohio toasties feel free to join in…
BEN CARSON STOP CALLING ME IT IS TOO EARLY AND NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE IS GOING TO VOTE FOR YOU ANYWAY NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU CALL
Oh wow, you should troll the Carson campaign by letting them know that they have lost your vote because of CALLING TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING.
Well, I meant too early in the election cycle, but 10:30 definitely counts as too early in the morning for this sort of thing as well.
Oh dear god, my phone just stopped ringing from last week’s election fight over the “township fiscal officer”. I will see you your swing state phone frustration, and add “Bernie Sanders just came to Cleveland and got two big endorsements yesterday (Nina what’shername Ohio Democrat was one of them) and I’m. Just.Sick.of.It.
HELLO. Do these people not remember Perot? Do they not understand what Ralph Nader cost us as a country? Oh, right, they don’t care, they just want liberal justification to “not vote for that woman”. GRRRRR.
THIS COMMENT IS EVERYTHING I FEEL BUT DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO SAY!!! This is exactly the irking I get from Bernie fans. Don’t get me wrong, Bernie has some awesome ideas and platforms. But I am too afraid of a Republican future to vote for the outsider/less likely to win/weaker politician. (Say what you want about Hillary – I definitely wish she were more progressive in some areas but the woman knows how to get shit done.)
Well I’m just bitter. I’m old enough to remember the ERA vote (I was a kid, but still), Ferraro, and I’m sick of this shit. Just elect a damn woman already. Nobody will care if Bernie runs in 4 years, or 4 years after that. But this is IT for Hilliary, they’ll never let her run again because of double standards and age, so Bernie can just STFU and wait his g-dmn turn. She’s put in her time, she’s earned the right to be where she is, and he can be patient. Rant over.
Wouldn’t a Nader situation only happen if Bernie decided to run as an independent if he loses the Dem nomination? (not disagreeing with you about people finding sexist reasons not to vote for Hillary).
There’s 0 chance Bernie is running an independent campaign a la Nader. He has already promised not to, and while he is not perfect, he just isn’t going do that.
Unless the Dems can figure out how to win back the House in either 2016 or 2018 who the president is won’t matter that much, so I’m pretty much ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ until the general, when I will obviously care since I do not want President Rubio or Cruz.
“Unless the Dems can figure out how to win back the House…” –
THIS is the thing that is driving me nuts about Bernie supporters. I like Bernie! But in what universe do people think that he can actually achieve all his socialist ideas from the White House? I’d rather have him stay in Congress – the Senate needs all the liberal votes it can get.
Yes!!! It’s as if they believe republican obstruction will magically melt away. Hillary isnt ‘pure’ enough–well, she knows how to beat them at their dirty game, and ill take that right now, please.
yoga thread? i haven’t gone to class for over a week and i feel like the Tin Man. this after FINALLY FINALLY building the upper-body strength to do real chaturanga, knees up and all.
i’m also facing the problem that i can only talk myself into doing a handstand with the help of a hallway when i am somewhat drunk, which is surely a safety hazard.
anyway are there Toast people who love yoga and but not the woo-woo skinny-person tenor of 95% of online yoga communities? (i will say i’ve found some people on IG who are body-positive and awesome, but.)
You do yoga the way I speak french: a little drunk.
I’m doing prenatal yoga and it’s definitely helping with all my various surprise aches and pains. I’m seven months in and I can still put on my own socks, so I feel like that’s yogic magic at its best. I’m also learn what yoga teachers say when they say a certain pose creates “heat” in the body: they mean you are going to tremor and sweat and maybe just start laughing and fall on the floor, while the other pregnant ladies side-eye you and the yoga teacher smiles tolerantly.
hahah, yeah, “we’re going to build some heat” = “you are going to sweat from your eyeballs and forget your own name briefly.” that said, working so hard that it becomes absurd and you start laughing, is the best.
I’m loving prenatal yoga because absolutely everyone is awkward and uncomfortable and shifting all over the place.
Hi fellow yoga-doer! I have a few non-super-skinny yoga masters on my instagram feed, and they’ve helped me realize that I could learn to do difficult poses even though I’m chubby. I also haven’t done yoga in a week (or 2) and I need to get back into it! But I’ve had a tough time making the time lately. I admire your handstand ability, even if it’s in a hallway while drunk! I certainly can’t do that yet!
admittedly i have never *really* balanced in a handstand, in that at least one foot is always touching something (the wall, doorjamb, whathaveyou).
but, yes! finding non-skinny yoga people on IG has been great. and also a kick in the ass, in that, i thought i was too fat to do certain things (like crow, ugh), but it turns out i’m just not strong enough. or too scared. or something. but knowing that it’s POSSIBLE has been awesome.
Lol. I’m not skinny AT ALL and I like yoga! But I don’t go that much. I’ve been much more into weight lifting lately. Lifting combined with no yoga has left me with crazy tight hips and lower back, so I should probably go back!
Oh man shiny-haired expensive-panted yoga people online (and in class, at least around here)… that’s a whole thing, isn’t it?
i am actually incredibly lucky that my teacher(s) here are very down-to-earth, nurturing people who never imply that body size matters at all.
but also i live in a pretty small town and there aren’t a lot of yoga snobs around. (wine snobs on the other hand …. everywhere.)
Myyyy kind of towwwn…
my dad calls this town “a nonstop bacchanalia” and i’m just like…yep, yep, welcome.
I actually just started. I found the Yoga With Adriene videos on YouTube and started doing the 30 day challenge. It’s been interesting. Some of it’s come easy, but my stomach is getting in the way of my lunges and I have a lot of trouble breathing in child’s pose. I’m sure I’ll figure it out with a bit more practice, though.
Child’s pose gives me trouble too. I find putting my toes together and my knees wide lets me get the right space for my body.
Thanks for the tip!
seconded. wide-legged feels nice and it’s easier to breathe, plus i think it gives a really great hip stretch, in addition to being restful.
Yoga communities terrify me. I’ve done yoga in a friend’s living room for a few years and was invited by my coworkers to do a groupon thing at a studio near our workplace, so I went along. When I got there I felt like I was surrounded by the ladies who were mean to Aunt Viv at her dance audition.
it is so frustrating that a practice that’s supposed to be about nurturing yourself and your body often resembles a stupid high school clique. i love my teachers/community in my little town, but the thought of attending a class in a larger city completely terrifies me. i know i have the skill to not make a fool of myself, but whenever people talk about going to a class in, say, Seattle or Portland, i’m a firm NOPE.
Oh, but there are some wonderful friendly studios in Portland! At most of the eastside studios I’ve gone to, most people are wearing ratty tank tops and saggy leggings to class, even the teachers, and there’s a fairly wide variety of bodies. I’m sure there are snobby clique-y studios but that hasn’t been my experience. YMMV. We even have a studio called Fat Yoga!
Me! I’m here! I love yoga and I have an imperfect body and no woo-woo at all!
yaaay!
my favorite non-woo-woo moment was when the teacher talked about setting an intention for practice (which sometimes i do, i’m not knocking that concept at all), i was planning to make meatloaf after class, and so i dedicated my yoga practice to meatloaf. (the meatloaf turned out great obviously.)
That is brilliant and I am going to dedicate my next yoga practice to fajitas.
You’ve just made yoga 100% more enjoyable for me.
Me me me! I’m doing a work trade at a yoga studio which I love because it means free yoga and human interaction (which I didn’t think I’d miss until I moved and had none). Being basically required to do yoga 3-4 times a week has done great things for my flexibility and balance (I too just built up the strength for real chaturanga, woo!) but I do occasionally feel feelings about being a very average sized gal in a very miniature yoga world. Body positive yogis on IG are great, as is the Facebook group “My Real Yoga Body.”
oh man! me too, that is my setup too! i work at the front desk one day a week and all my classes are free. which makes me feel soooo lucky and grateful, because while i’m not poor-poor, it would get expensive if i didn’t have this setup.
bonus: sometimes people walk in and assume i’m the teacher. so even though i’m heavier than the average yoga person, i do still look like i could be a teacher (?!).
chaturanga! god, it took so long. at first i would just kind of flop to the ground even with my knees down, and i was able to have good form + knees down for like … over a year. and then one day i gave it a shot, and it just happened. i think i’d had the strength for a while but had just not tried.
Hey fellow work-trader! I know that “it just happened” feeling so well — that was the same way it was for me with wheel. It felt completely impossible for so long and then one day I just straightened out my arms and there I was. It made me realize what an impact fear can have on what I do with my body.
wheel. yeah. the fact that i cannot (yet) do wheel is a bitter pill to swallow, because i used to do it all the time as a kid. for fun! and i remember exactly how it felt. damn my stupid grown-up body.
but, i am super good at shoulder stands, i think because i did them all the time as a kid. so i didn’t lose everything. 😛
this is probably a very obvious thing, but i didn’t realize until recently that fear was making me feel *physically* weak. i think of fear manifesting as anxiety and worry, in my brain, but it’s actually making me feel like i have less strength in my muscles than i really do. it’s kind of a mind-fuck to be honest.
That’s a great point. I know I’ve got the physical strength to do a handstand but I’m just not mentally committed to it because I’m afraid of falling on my face and breaking my neck.
That being said, an important part of yoga is accepting any physical limitations you have and not pushing yourself past appropriate points. I’ve got neck problems that are exacerbated if I do headstands, so a few years ago I just decided to stop doing them. Even if the rest of the class is going for it, just stick within your OWN practice and do what feels right for your bod. Good yoga teachers will work within your limits – if they’re trying to push you somewhere you don’t want to go, find new teachers and classes. There are amazing classes to be found with positive, energetic teachers and participants who don’t care about how far you can or want to go.
mmm yoga! It feels so good when it’s right.
“It made me realize what an impact fear can have on what I do with my body.”
just sitting here admiring the deep truth of that
I’ve practiced yoga for a bit over 15 years and although I firmly believe in the value of chanting and mindfulness in yoga I am 100% not woo-woo (or a skinny-person). Congratulations on the chaturanga! That’s fantastic! Also handstands are terrifying and I only do them when I can use my handstand machine (mine’s old enough that it didn’t come with the fancy cords and stuff).
ooooh, i have something similar to that! except it’s just a 4-legged stool thing with padding. (i sent my dad a link and said “do you think we could build something like this?” and he was like, “nah, i’ll just buy it for you.” <3 dads.) anyway, i really like it for being upside down and feeling how it is to balance.
i also really appreciate the mindfulness aspect. and most of the ethereal stuff doesn’t bother me, especially not the way my teachers here treat it. most of the stuff that feels exclusive and over-the-top, i’ve encountered online.
Yay, Dad!
Yeah, I love being upside down, but I have hyperflexible shoulders and having one pop out of socket and landing on my head only needed to happen once, thanks. I’m glad you like yours, too! Also hurray for good local teachers! The only online yoga resource I use is Yoga Journal, mostly for ideas on building sequences for my practice at home.
your shoulder did WHAT. oh my god. oh my GOD that is terrifying.
i really admire you/anyone for having a regular home practice. i have the space and the desire, but i also have a cat who enjoys getting his claws and all the rest of him onto a yoga mat, and it’s just enough of an annoyance to make me not bother. 😛
Yeah, that was one of my less rewarding yoga experiences, but it was highly educational! Also yes, cats and yoga–so difficult. I have photos of me in paschimottanasana, but hunched over the cat sitting in my lap. GOOD TIMES
there WAS this one time when i was feeling mellow and just wanted to cycle through down dog and child’s pose, back and forth, for a while. my cat came and curled up directly between my hands and stared at me and purred. that was pretty much the best.
That. Is. Adorable.
Your cat is awesome. When I’m trying to cycle beween down dog and child’s pose, my cat will frequently hop onto my butt and surf like it’s his own personal pirate ship or something. It sounds cute but he won’t get off until HE decides to, and isn’t shy about using claws to say so.
that sounds exHAUSTing. i am very, very lucky to have a cat who values his personal space and (for the most part) respects mine. he likes being near me, but not ON ME, except for the occasional chest-sit when i first come home from work.
the first time i laid out my brand new Jade mat though … he was on that shit, claws out.
My cat likes to lie on her back between my hands and smack me in the face every time I get low enough. If I’m doing poses on the floor, she sits on my back or my chest. It is cute for about 2 minutes.
Yes! I’m definitely a bigger girl and it’s hard to keep working/pushing when it seems like most of the yoga community is thin, skinny girls for whom stretching/handstanding/armbalancing is easy or at least not fraught with the same difficulties I face.
Your IG people — @biggalyoga, @nolatrees, @mynameishessamyn — I trust? If not, check them out.
I’m also a dancer and take/teach modern/ballet and it’s always a little nerve-wracking to get out there with skinny girls who make up most of the community around me. But then I think there are plenty of non-thin ladies who can’t do what I can’t even at my size, so that helps me push myself to work harder and not listen to my body image anxieties.
Best of luck to you!!! Keep moving! Even baby steps are better than no steps!
those first two IG people: yep! the third i have not heard of, but i will check out. thank you!
i was in the ballet world for a while (i stopped when i reached Peak Body Insecurity, around 16) and even though it’s not my thing anymore, i am so glad i danced for so long. it’s made me SO much better at yoga than i would have been otherwise.
Typo alert: @mynameisjessamyn I love her! (unless there is another big yogini named hessamyn?)
I took about a month off from yoga, and have been coming back to it. MAN it has been hard. I have so little upper-body strength that I sometimes doubt I will ever actually be able to do a chaturanga; however, I used to feel that way about wheel, so maybe yet!
I absolutely hated gym when I was a kid, because I so completely lack hand-eye coordination/a Sports Body/any kind of stamina, and somehow when I started practicing yoga I decided very strongly that this was My Damn Practice. Like, it’s the first sports thing I paid money for, which might be part of it? But I sort of told myself “I am spending my money on this, and this is an hour when I don’t have to think about work or about anything beyond what my instructor is saying, and no one gets to take that away from me.” I still sometimes get envious of people who can do things I can’t, but then we move into another pose and I’m like YEAH STAFF POSE, look at me straightening my spine!
Also: am I the only person who haaaaaates fish pose? It is the awfulest.
the idea of lifting my legs or arms during fish is terrifying and horrible – i’m not sure i’ll ever do it.
i do kinda love that feeling of being better at something than someone would assume you are. like, anything to do with hip flexibility, i am always smugly happy about.
but i always position myself on the left side of the room, so if there’s any chance we’ll be doing side-plank, nobody will see that i straight-up CANNOT on my left side (due to a wrist problem, admittedly, not not a sucking-at-yoga problem).
It’s so great, right? Look at my arms go up all gracefully in tree! I am one balanced person! Ignore my wobbling!
I also do this thing where sometimes the beginner class is the only one that fits into my schedule, so I’m like ha-HA, I will for once not be confused! But the guy who teaches the beginner class at my studio is super great and also intense, so I still come out all properly worked out and having been made to do more high crescent lunges than is acceptable.
god, yeah, “easy” classes that still kick your ass. tons of high lunges, holding plank until your blood explodes, trying desperately not to show weakness in front of the middle-aged businessmen who are so ubiquitous at the beginner level.
Middle aged businessmen!! Ahh, that would be great. My town has like, one guy who goes to yoga. So weird.
I would *love* body-positive IG yoga people recommendations if anyone would like to share!
@nolatrees and @biggalyoga are my favorites. if you peruse their follows/photos for others they’ve tagged, you’ll find many more.
Lots of the Iyengar yoga teachers are chubby. 🙂
In real life, too.
No good names are popping into my head right now, but just go to an Iyengar class and see. It’s because they are very thoughtful and slow everything down, I think — yoga never becomes cardio at all for them. Doesn’t stop them being great.
My HR dept used to offer yoga once a week at lunch time. It was delightful. I quite enjoyed it. I was working on crow! Then they cancelled it. Womp womp.
So now I just do crow when I’m drunk at home.
crow is the bane of my stupid existence. i feel like i should have someone crouch in front of me, with a warm and steady hand on my forehead, ready to catch me before i do a face-plant.
but from everything i’ve heard, face-plants while learning crow are, like, A Rite Of Passage. so i should stop being a baby and have a couple drinks and give it a shot.
ETA: my teacher even tried to flatter me into it by saying “you’re ideally built for it, because you’re top-heavy!”
My unsolicted advice for crow is make your forearms as vertical as possible; and look forward, not down.
oh i totally appreciate advice 🙂 thank you!
i’ve been trying to look forward, but i have not been thinking about forearms at all. i’ll keep that in mind.
We also totally put a soft squishy blanket in front of our faces so the inevitable face plants are less awful! It’s ok to bet yes on gravity!
I like yoga and have been doing it consistently for a few years. It isn’t the “skinny-person” thing that bothers me (the people in my yoga classes have diverse body types and don’t seem to be snobby), it’s the LONG LIMBS. I never thought I had drastically short arms/legs before I started doing yoga regularly and realized that I can’t get my palms flat in staff pose. I can’t touch my fingers when I stretch one arm elbow down, hand up my back/other arm elbow up, hand down my back. Everywhere I look people have longer arms/legs than I do!
Which is to say, measuring yourself against other people is dumb and makes you crazy.
Yes this!
I haven’t been in sooo long because I’ve been swimming in the mornings. Which is great, but my shoulders and neck are so tense and I know yoga would help but it is also gonna HURT sooo bad.
I should just go tomorrow morning. I know this.
doooooo itttttt
As a runner I had a ‘tude towards yoga for years because I thought that if exercise didn’t involve pounding my joints on pavement I was just wasting my time. I opened my mind a little though and found a wonderful teacher who is both nourishing and challenging and have become a complete convert (though I still fake my om’s. Just doesn’t feel right to me.)
One of the things I love about yoga is that all of the different shapes and sizes of yogi bodies y’all are describing are good for, and at, different things. I’m on the petite side and can twist myself into a pretzel with ease but cannot balance on one foot without wobbling like a drunken sailor and am years away from a handstand, though maybe I should liquor up before trying again?
practicing inversions in a narrow hallway or a doorway is really fun. i may never do a handstand (or a headstand even) in the middle of the room, but using walls takes the fear out of it. another prep for a handstand is L-pose, with your hands on the ground and your feet against the wall.
(a couple drinks really, really do help overcome the fear aspect. just y’know, not so much that you’ll hurt yourself.)
i totally get when hardcore athletes think that yoga is for sissies. dad and brother are super into crossfit, and whenever they show their little moves to each other, i sit there and go “that’s just yoga but fast. that right there is a sun salutation, just fast.”
I’m extra thankful for the website redesign today. I’m visiting my parents in the hinterlands of dial-up internet and so am checking in on my phone. The trip so far has been good, except for the fact that my suitcase was left on the bed at home, a fact that was not discovered until 1 hour into the 7 hour drive. We stopped along the way and I now have a new set of clothes. Fun times, fun times.
I did get a chance to introduce my parents to the phrase “life is a rich tapestry” which delighted my mom.
Hey Toasties,
It’s been a slow week, but I’ve started volunteer work at a very fancy library, so hopefully my CV’s going to start looking a bit more impressive.
More importantly though, I rediscovered Psychobitches, a sketch show where Rebecca Front’s pyschotherapist attempts to provide counselling to a series of dead, famous women, and features a positive murder of British female comedians.
The Bronte sisters sketch is probably my favourite: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUiYUBx_t3c
but Mark Gatiss as Joan Crawford is also required viewing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enqBlCNw5m8
HOW DO YOU WATCH PSYCHOBITCHES?!?!?!
it stars all my favorites from when I lived in Europe and could watch bbc.
I was lucky enough to see them when they aired. I’ve not had much luck tracking episodes down now though. At least not by uh, legally iffy means.
Yesterday was a very successful day, and I submitted TWO law applications, although it really does just feel like I am shouting into the void.
Also: for medical reasons, my best friend’s parent needs to come to the US, but as of yet they don’t know if that will work out because of insurance/NHS reasons. I desperately want it to work out, partially because the treatment is important, but also because one of my best friends in the world would then BE NEAR ME, and it is selfish to be so excited about that aspect but I can’t begin to explain how happy I would be.
I’m submitting job applications, so I 100% am with you on the shouting into the void feeling. Good luck with those law applications! I hope they get back to you in a timely fashion.
Thanks! I know the deadlines, and will hear then. It’s more just… the law apps are one of the only ways I can see moving back to the UK in the next few years, which I am desperate to do, so each one feels very fraught.
Good luck! I have my fingers crossed for you!
I went on a tiny vacation to Austria, saw two concerts, Tocotronic and Ezra Furman. Met/almost-stumbled-over the beloved German band at hotel breakfast the morning after the concert, almost managed to not be embarrassing fans. We tried really hard to be invisible. +1 closely resembled a tomato.
After the other concert I re-injured my foot and had to spend the better part of the remaining vacation in a Viennese hospital.
Have you had any embarrassing celebrity encounters lately?
It wasn’t embarrassing (unless she noticed my attempt to subtly confirm her identity), but I sat next to Lupita Nyong’o on the subway the other morning.
Dad book recommendations needed! My father in law has asked for books for Christmas and I am stumped. Along with all the typical dad interests (tools, boy scouts, mountains, history books) he also loves Nicholas Sparks novels, Hallmark movies, and books that are romantic while remaining entirely wholesome (see Sparks, Nicholas).
Any and all recommendations would be much appreciated!
I am giving my father-in-law (who is a Dad to the extreme) The Invention of Nature by Andrea Wulf. It’s mostly about Alexander von Humboldt, the German naturalist, and his adventures through South America and Russia collecting specimens, climbing mountains, inspiring revolutionaries, making maps, and influencing international politics. But also it traces his influence on others, like John Muir, Ernst Haeckle, Thoreau, and Darwin. It sounds like it’s right up your own father-in-law’s alley–it marks off all the interests, even has a good deal to say about (science) tools. And Andrea Wulf is a good writer.
Ooh, and then there are books by and about lady adventurers, like Isabella Bird and Alexandra David-Neel!
Oh my gosh this book sounds pretty much perfect! That is definitely going on the list.
My dad is currently reading that book and giving me regular updates on it!
My dad loved the Martian, hated Pratchett, but loved the Pratchett/Baxter Long Earth novels.
Aw, your dad sounds great! If he’s into a sort of dreamy YA vibe, maybe Summerland by Michael Chabon? and if he’s into public transit at all—like, at all—strong recommend for Straphanger.
Hmmmm, I can’t think of any BUT you might consider shooting an email to the ladies at Smart Bitches, Trashy Books to see if they’d be up for putting up a recommendation post. They’ve done it before, and the Bitchery always come through with good book choices.
I would try Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand or Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer, or even In the Kingdom of Ice by Hampton Sides
Into Thin Air! That is such a dad book – my own dad and I recently got into an argument about it while playing crib – peak dad bonding.
Has he already read the Chernow Hamilton biography?
I don’t know if Patrick Taylor’s Irish Country… series is available everywhere (he’s Canadian), but I think that would fit the “books that are romantic while remaining entirely wholesome” as well as “history” categories (books set in a small town in Ireland beginning in the 1960s, an eventual love story).
In a similar vein, Major Pettigrew’s Last Stand might be a good bet. It’s a few years old now, but very charming.
Oooh, that Irish Country series sounds perfect–and the fact that it’s a series so he can get more is even better. And Majoy Pettigrew’s Last Stand also sounds wonderful–sounds like the FIL is going to get a slew of books that are absolutely aces! Thanks!
I would get him anything Bill Bryson has written, but I like his travel books the best myself.
As for historical-ish books I’d recommend “Working” by Studs Terkel or any of his other oral histories, “Consider the Fork” by Bee Wilson, or “A Distant Mirror” by Barbara Tuchman
Excellent suggestions, although I’m fairly certain he’s already got all of Bryson. (I joked to my husband that the new A Walk in the Woods film was basically made for his dad: Bill Bryson book? Check. Rewritten to feature older people having adventures? Check. One of those older people is Robert Redford? Definite check.)
I think the Studs Terkel book is an excellent idea. He’s such a great writer/interviewer and I think it’s perfect Dad territory right there.
I got my dad How the Scots Invented the Modern World last Christmas, and it was a pretty big hit. Might be a good dad book (or my dad might just like Scotland).
Does he like disaster books? Isaac’s Storm is one that’s about the 1900 Galveston hurricane, and In Harm’s Way is about the sinking of the USS Indianapolis. Both are very good and my dad liked both of them (but they do get a bit gruesome, if that’s an issue. Sharks, etc.)
My dad will always request whatever is the newest Michael Connolly book. I don’t really read mysteries, so cannot comment on the substance/quality, but they are firmly entrenched in my mind as Dad Books.
My new bike, which I majorly splurged on, was stolen this week. It had two u locks and was in a “secure” (limited access) bike cage. I’m filled with rage and sadness.
I also don’t know what to do about a new bike. I still have my old one, but it’s a hybrid that’s too small and I really don’t enjoy riding it. Having a bike that I truly loved riding was a major quality of life improvement, but I’m not sure I can justify another big expense given that it can still be stolen even when I go to great lengths to protect it.
That is AWFUL! I’m so sorry to hear that.
That SUCKS! Ugh. I’m sorry. It’s such a violation.
Ugh, that sucks! A bike that you love riding is such a nice thing.
I am so sorry! That sucks a lot.
Oh no! That is the absolute worst. If you have the spoons, it might be worth calling your local bike shops to alert them. Shady dudes would always bring in bikes to sell to us, and we usually had a wall of stolen bike pics to check it against. One time, this kid brought in this extremely unique and expensive carbon road bike to us, and we sneakily called the cops and stalled him till they got there. Best of luck, I totally understand having a bike you love to ride. I got a tattoo of mine, even!
Yeah, it’s been reported everywhere possible and my city has a bike registry of serial numbers and everything so hopefully if it turns up people will be able to cross check. It’s been gone for a couple days now and I’m not holding out too much hope.
If anyone is in the Bay Area, though and is around bikes, the info is here: https://bikeindex.org/bikes/61468/
That is a great tool, I hope it turns up. She’s such a pretty bike!
Bike Index is not regionally specific, and I highly recommend registering bikes there. At the very least, it’s made this process much easier to have my serial number, description, photos, etc. all in one place when talking to police. A lot of that info is pre-populated too – you can add however much detail you want, but you can also just enter make/model/year and it populates much of the component section.
For anyone who happens to be in SF and bikes, safebikes.org is the SF PD bike database, and it can’t hurt to register before anything happens.
oh noooooo
do you have renters insurance?
No 🙁 It’s been on the to-do list for a while but I haven’t gotten around to that. Regretting that decision. Both locks were guaranteed, but you need to have the broken lock to prove that the lock failed, and the thief took both locks (and my helmet!)
I know that this is too late, but have you considered renters’ insurance? I would suggest it if you decide to replace your bike. Mine costs about $20 a month and covers all the things I own – even when they’re out of my home.
(edited, sorry – i just read the other comment! didn’t mean to pile on.)
I’m definitely prioritizing it now – I got all the quotes last month, was going to wait until the beginning of November to actually sign up, and then the beginning of November was super busy and overwhelming and now I’m SOL. Now I know!
this indeed super-sucks, but last time I got a u-lock, the fine print said the lock itself will insure your bike up to $1k if it is stolen. maybe you have to register the lock first? but i would call them, because maybe you have some possibilities there?
At least with Kryptonite locks (which both of mine were) you need to have the broken lock to prove the lock failed, and both of the locks are MIA.
argh, this is starting to sound crazy, i mean how does anyone do that? was the locker in a facility that has employees who have some universal access? it seems like someone would have had to know you put a valuable bike in there and have the tools for all this. maybe there are security cameras that might have caught something?
Unfortunately it looks like the door was recently broken or has always been installed improperly such that it’s actually very easy to break in, so it was probably not a case of someone with access taking it or someone piggybacking in. There is a photo of the thief, but no livestream on the cage in case he comes back. I live in a city with pretty high bike crime, and so the chances of it being already long gone are pretty high. My bike has (had? 🙁 ) pretty nice components, so frankly my best guess is that it was disassembled pretty much immediately. Facilities is looking into fixing the door on the cage, but it’s too late for me.
i am filled with rage and sadness on your behalf.
Me too. I’ve had a bike stolen, and it’s TERRIBLE. I’m so so sorry.
I am so sorry for you! That is heartbreaking. She is so cute and she would never harm anyone. I hope that asshole gets caught and I am so sorry for you.
Oh my god, I’m so sorry. That’s just heartbreaking. Have you talked to your property manager about who may have had access to the cage?
I saw you mentioned the locks were taken too – have you looked around the area to see if they were ditched in a bush or something? Maybe if you recovered one you could make a claim against them?
How new is the bike? I had a bike stolen within weeks of purchasing it, and since I’d purchased it with my credit card, the insurance on the credit card covered the cost of the bike 100%, so I was able to buy the exact same bike again! It’s a long shot that these would also be your exact circumstances, but I figured I’d mention it!
THIS MIGHT BE AN OPTION. I’m looking into things now, so I’m not sure yet, but this is looking promising (at the least, I bought a brand new expensive u lock on MONDAY). Thank you thank you for this suggestion, I did not know about this at all.
I am so sorry. Sending you luck for a good resolution. I have a good friend who is a biking enthusiast in the Bay Area. I will run it by him and see if he has thoughts on recovery or replacement.
Ugh, Toasts. Partner and I have decided to dispute the fees from what turned out to be Shady Attorney, and it really is pinging all of my anxieties at once. Confrontation, money, impostor syndrome, jerks, etc. But I’m assured that fees get disputed all the time, and my friend, also a lawyer, has informed me that the invoice is Basically Extreme Bullshit (it’s missing key information and has no explanations of hours worked, etc.), so I’m trying to feel ok about it. I just am not feeling ok at all about it.
Plus, cramps.
I don’t know what your plan is but know that you can file a complaint with your state bar association. They will likely investigate and can give you guidance. It’s also a huge pain in the ass for the Shady Attorney.
That is definitely on the list of next steps, but we’re hoping saying “here’s what we will pay you, which is what you told us it would cost,” will work. Seriously, they are charging me three times what this level of work should cost, and three times what they flat out told me it would be. I’m also, obviously, angry about this, especially as this firm came recommended by friends. Ugh.
As a lawyer, I hate it when other lawyers treat people badly – especially since people usually hire a lawyer because they’re going through something terrible. It’s an awful thing to take advantage of someone during their difficult times. I’m sorry that you’re having this experience.
Since you’re a lawyer I’ll mention briefly what the situation is — the guy reviewed nonprofit bylaws that I had already written, and added a paragraph, and did some email. For this, he is charging me almost $1,000!!!!
I’m sure you were advised to tell him that you need “contemporaneous time notes” to justify all fees – unless you explicitly agreed to a flat rate (in which case, you should be charged whatever that amount is and no more).
And do you have an engagement letter that indicates that he would consult with you before undertaking any course of action that would significantly increase the fees? (If there’s no letter, that’s a problem too!)
This is, of course, not legal advice 🙂 (I have to say that because under the ethical guidelines in every state, I’m on the hook if you believe that we have an attorney-client relationship, whether or not your belief is reasonable.)
Right, so we got a revised bill from him, and it includes a lot of other people involved, billing out at much higher rates than was specified in our engagement letter, as well as the emails exchanged which indicated his anticipated time investment in reviewing the bylaws (1-2 hours), so that’s good.
But I mean….aside from all that, it’s unfathomable to me that 4-5 hours of work went into reviewing a document I had already written and making some notes. It’s not like he produced any deliverables, and certainly no incorporation filings were made.
Sending the best vibes into the atmosphere for you!!!
I empathize with your stressors, and I have definitely given up irresponsible amounts of money to avoid confrontation. Good luck! And I bet that doing it this time will make the next this-type-of-thing much easier.
That is super scary. I agree. It would hit my buttons, too. Stay strong – you can do this. You’re in the right.
GUYS
I’ve been away for a Very Long Time because work browsers now no longer work with the Toast. I’m trying to figure out a way around it, because, wow, updates.
Uhhh. It sucks for me right now. You may remember that throughout the year, I asked for a lot of advice around dating a married man. Lots of stuff has since happened – I realized it was hard for me and I never felt secure, he told me he was in love with me and loved me, he realized he self-identified as poly and was more open to more and more romantic relationships, and … I stopped it. The last time we talked, I was so stuck, he told me that best case scenario, we were on hold, and worst case scenario, we were broken up. He’d wait to hear from me? I think? The moment he went through my door, I think I felt it was over.
It’s been not even a month since we talked. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve done in the past year since my first break-up with my longtime live-in partner. I miss him a lot. I have a letter written to him about what I felt over the past year, but I haven’t sent it yet.
A little after this latest break-up, I met a man I developed a hard crush on. Interesting, smart, educated, sexy. We lived close to each other and saw each other several times in almost no time. It took a little time to realize I felt uncomfortable — his humour was sharper than mine, I was looking for kindness in a way I recognized, and his style in bed … overwhelmed me. The last time we slept together, I had a bad time.
I wanted to see him and talk to him, probably to stop seeing each other but not sure. He was prepping to leave the country on a trip so when I texted him, he asked what was bothering me, and I just …. skipped right to the “I’m not interested in dating” part. He texted back, “K, good chat. Best of luck.” It was awful. I feel so awful and guilty about how that happened. I wish I had a chance to talk to him. That was just a few days ago.
I think I’m a little messed up right now. Feeling incredibly lonely and longing for comfort and intimacy but also feeling like I’m unable to have any because I’m probably a little too vulnerable and sad. It’s so frustrating.
So yeah, that’s my comeback comment. Hey. How you doin’.
Oh man big hugs. I’ve been there and it’s super hard.
Please, if possible, be a little gentle with yourself over that breakup and how it happened. Honestly, it sounds like you’re having lots of hard feelings in general, and it’s possible you’re adding guilt reflexively but unwarrantedly.
Hope you can light a candle and eat a cookie, or go for a run, or drink wine, or whatever might make you feel a little closer to yourself.
Thank you. I’m going to try to keep that in mind. I’m in a huge second-guessing phase right now — we met at a weird time in both our lives, I didn’t get to tell him how I was feeling, maybe I’m thinking too hard about how good I should feel at an early point in a relationship.
I’m on a verge of “WAIT CAN WE TALK AGAIN, PROPERLY” but that’s just awful and unfair. I’m actually hoping he’ll get in touch after his trip to say, “Ok, what, you need to explain.” But he probably won’t, because that’s the sane thing to do. It’s very trying.
Relationships are super confusing. But the way you described it to us does not sounds like a relationship you wanted to / should be in. Like… overwhelming and bad time in bed, sharp humour… if you were someone close to me and in a emotionally vulnerable state and said those things about some guy you were seeing, I would try to gently suggest that it’s ok to not continue.
That text message you got from him sucked. If I got that kind of text message I would be overwhelmed with the desire to try to make it right. As a woman type person especially, feeling like I’ve hurt and angered someone is incredibly anxiety provoking.
But he gets to be hurt and mad. He got dumped. You also get to dump him. His hurt and anger is not your problem to solve, and it’s his rightful inheritance from a relationship that did not work. I have found that that vulnerability inevitably often ends in wounds, and no amount of breaking up over coffee instead of text fixes that. You did what you had to do to take care of yourself, and maybe you weren’t perfect, but you literally cannot fix this for him, and you should not try.
Seconding this!
That text message, though–if he is not going to be open about the conversation he may want to have with you, it stops being Your Business. You are your first priority, and you need to take his communications at face value instead of hunting for hidden clues about what you did wrong/what you could have done better, because down that road lies Kicking Yourself Endlessly.
“you need to take his communications at face value instead of hunting for hidden clues about what you did wrong/what you could have done better, because down that road lies Kicking Yourself Endlessly.”
I’m going to keep repeating this to myself. Thank you.
Thank you so much. This is all mega helpful. Like, I’m-going-to-tape-it-to-a-wall-next-to-my-face helpful. *hugs*
Oh glory! It’s so nice to hear from you. Welcome back.
I second robotneedslove — focus on taking care of yourself right now. It sounds like you made your decisions based on what felt right for you, and while I know it’s HARD, because you want to be fair to the other person, want them to be happy, etc etc, you have to protect yourself first and foremost. I’m so glad you were honest with them both.
I hope you have a close friend you can lean on right now. I’m an introvert so I do my best recharging solo, but in moments like this, of profound loneliness and sadness, I have to resist the urge to hermit. Is there someone you can have a (non-sexy) sleepover with?
You’re going to be okay. You’re a smart lady. Big internet hugs.
Thanks! I missed you guys a lot. Luckily I still saw Toasties on Twitter, but I wasn’t even reading OTs to keep up because I’d want to reply and be unable to.
Thirding self-care. Do things that give you comfort, reread a book that’s like an old friend, Take yourself out on a date, do what you need to cushion yourself right now. Best of luck.
I’m not much help on the relationship advice angle, but could maybe help with the browser workaround. You can get portable version of browsers like Firefox that don’t require installation, you can even run it off a USB drive:
http://portableapps.com/
That may work for you unless you are in an ultra-strict computing environment.
TY! I’ve been thinking about this, as my coworker mentioned running a browser off a USB.
Welcome back! Sorry that dudes suck.
You absolutely cannot fill in the blanks of silence, because you will inevitably take that script from your fears and hurts. It’s always best to let the other party fill in the blanks, or just leave them blank. You needed to get out of that situation, and it’s saddening that his response was seemingly so casual, but you’re out. That makes you free to heal and get your bearings. If you feel there are conversations to be had, there’s time, but focus on you. Give all the love and time you have to the person right now who needs it. (That’s you.)
I am so sorry you are feeling lonely and hurt and needful and unable to function in a way to fulfill that. It will pass, though. You’re going to be okay. And meanwhile, you us for company.
AHH I’m so glad I came to read this on the site instead of just in my email, for otherwise I would have missed this most excellent GIF. Thank you!
MISSED YOU.
It sounds like things were difficult for you with Married Dude, it sounds like things weren’t really getting better. Sometimes we can figure out what’s wrong and we can work on making it better…. but if isn’t awesome enough for you to feel comfortable, and you can’t figure out why, you can’t fix it. Sounds like it was painful, but it also sounds like it’ll be less painful than continually trying to make yourself okay with something you weren’t feeling.
I also hope that some distance will help you sort out more solidly what wasn’t working for you, and help you avoid it in the future! (I was always vague on this– I’m not sure if it was that I missed some posts, or that you knew exactly what was off and didn’t share the details, or if you weren’t 100%. But I’m guessing there was a bunch of the last one, otherwise, I’m guessing, you would have either fixed it or ended it faster).
On the newer dude- You weren’t feeling it. You ended it. Good job. You can now take this as a learning experience for how to do stuff better. Maybe you don’t move quite as fast, maybe you look for different things, maybe you give yourself more time after an Intense Breakup, maybe you stop texting if you think you’re headed into murky territory. But any of the things that you can learn from? Maybe you didn’t do it in the 100% best way ever for you and for him, but nothing you did was TERRIBLE. You communicated effectively when you needed to get out. It sucks for both of you that it didn’t work out, but telling him on a sunday wouldn’t have been magic that made everything wonderful.
Be gentle with yourself! *jedi hugs*
MISSED YOU TOO! *hugs*
(Also, again, glad I came to read this here because I don’t think I would have seen the link!)
Music thread??
I’m about one month post-breakup, which is the best time to dive headfirst into lots of new (and old!) music!
I’ve just discovered Joanna Newsom (I know, I know!), but I don’t know what album to begin with. Suggestions?
I’ve also recently rediscovered Sufjan, and have been loving real hard on Courtney Barnett, Waxahatchee, and Cayetana (<3 those ladies a lot).
What are toasties listening to??
Frazey Ford!
I love her!
I’m working on my Christmas playlist because I want it to be ready for Thanksgiving and because the best time to discover new Christmas songs is before your ears have shut down in self-defense after hearing too much dreck playing in stores.
That is a WONDERFUL idea and sounds perfect for my continued plans to procrastinate as much as possible.
If you like punky power pop, the latest album by Arctic Monkeys (god I hate that name) is good and a fairly radical departure (IMO) from their earlier stuff (which I don’t like). Also the latest All Time Low album is good fun and very similar to their previous album which I also love.
Oooooh, music!
November is concert month.
I saw Tocotronic (a well-loved German language band, listen to the song “Pure Vernunft Darf Niemals Siegen” for an impression) and Ezra Furman in Austria this week, as well as Father John Misty the week before. All concerts were lovely.
On monday I’ll probably go see Built to Spill, whom I don’t really know yet, but +1 loves them and he has Good Taste, and on Tuesday another German band, Schniepo Schranke. We will also see the Wave Pictures again later this month.
It’s kind of a lot, but it’s also awesome….
I saw the Struts live on Monday and I’m still on a high from it – they’re one of those bands that clearly love playing music, but also love performing, and it was delightful.
Joanna Newsom was someone I’d not been able to get really into, but lately I’m really digging her.
I’m listening to Chastity Belt (have fun searching them on tumblr).
I’ve been listening to Divers a lot in the last couple weeks, after never having listened to Joanna Newsom before it came out. I’m finding it really rich and rewarding. I’m sure some things about the album would seem different if I were more familiar with her work, but it’s working well for me as an introduction/standalone.
OooooooOoO, feel like you would like most of the stuff I like (love Cayetana, Courtney Barnett & Waxahatchee)
Try Eskimeaux – O.K., Wye Oak (most recent album is a different style, so try Shriek and also The Knot), All Dogs (who I saw open for Waxahatchee) have a new album out – Kicking Every Day, Hop Along – Painted Shut (I love love love love this album)
Ooh, so few people (that I know) know Cayetana, so this made me excited! I’ve heard Wye Oak, but will have to check out the others!
Grimes!!! The new album just came out last week, it is awesome and I get an extra boost of feeling cool b/c it got good reviews on Pitchfork AND the AV Club.
Top 5 most listened to bands over the past week (lots of female artists and vocalists!):
1) ODESZA
2) Grimes
3) Lana Del Ray
4) Widowspeak
5) Tame Impala
I love Courtney Barnett and Waxahatchee, but I haven’t listened to Cayetana. Will have to check them out!
I can’t stop listening to Laura Stevenson’s new album Cocksure and I bet you would love it – same label as Waxahatchee and very similar vibe to the artists you mentioned. Also try: La Sera, Eleanor Friedberger, Girlpool, Potty Mouth, Angel Olsen, Mitski.
This isn’t cool AT ALL, but the new 1D album just came out today. I got it last weekend when it was leaked and I have to say it is joyous and I haven’t listened to one single other thing since Monday morning. I’ve always been a big boy-band fan, and this is a SOLID pop album. A+ if you like pop music.
Oh, fuck notions of “cool music” or whatever. I la-la-la-LOVE pop music, and I played Up All Night and Midnight Memories into the goddamn ground. I was not at all a fan of Take Me Home, though, and Four was pretty spotty for me. How does this latest stack up against those?
This is the first album of theirs that I’ve listened to as an ALBUM, vs just downloading singles here and there. There are certainly tracks that I don’t like as much as the others, but I like ALL of them, just in varying degrees. That’s relatively rare for me so that’s why I’m shoving it into all my friends’ eardrums. (I even told my work crush about it, and to my utter shock he admitted that he likes “Perfect” a lot, so basically I have to marry him now, Readers.)
Thanks! That sounds promising!
Plus it’s all streaming on Spotify! Definitely worth a listen… or 35.
BTW, Duran Duran’s Paper Gods which came out just a few weeks ago is pretty great, too.
Is this a safe place to admit that I’m in love with a Justin Beiber song? I cannot stop playing Sorry over and over again. So good.
I basically just have Badlands by Halsey on repeat lately if it’s not Hamiltunes time.
I’ve been listening to My Brightest Diamond a lot this last week https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCi4cLb6vE2QsmhBW…
I’m really into Josh Ritter’s Getting Ready to Get Down (the rest of the album, meh).
So many new things to listen to! Also, not sure how I forgot, but obviously I listened to/watched the videos of all of Missy Elliott’s singles last night.
I have what the doctor at the urgent care clinic thinks might be mastoiditis, so that’s awesome, because like an idiot I googled it and now I am convinced that because I am not hooked up to an IV for the strong antibiotics that I am going to lose my hearing and DIE. Seriously, though, I hurt and am thoroughly tired of my dumbass body betraying me at every turn. It’s one step forward three steps back these days and I am over it. Also my period seems to be here early, for extra funsies.
I made a delicious doro wat yesterday and accidentally spiced myself right out of being able to eat it, even with adding a bunch of yogurt to cut the heat (and to counteract the sideaffects of broad spectrum antibiotics), so that was cool. MrKat generally doesn’t do leftovers (no clue why), but I will stand over him and insist he eat the entire batch because it is delicious and cannot go to waste.
Has anyone ever transported their pets via the cargo hold? I only hear horror stories, and there is the tiniest of chances we could maybe move to Dublin if MrKat’s company opens the satellite office there, and it would be dumb to turn that opportunity down, since I’ve always sort of wanted out of the USA, but I also would be emotionally haunted forever if one of my cats or doggies panicked-and-died in the cargo hold, and the dogs and one of the cats are giant emotional babies. They can apparently ONLY arrive in England via the cargo hold, so no fancy expensive pet airline is possible (WHY??), and this is probably needless pre-anxiety about a situation that will never ever come to fruition, but that’s totally my jam. Anyone? There would be no good solution here, since I bet my parents would take them for me, but I would feel really shitty about that too. And I would feel shitty saying we can’t move to Ireland because I’m too anxious about the animals. WHY DO WE HAVE SO MANY PETS??
Speaking of my parents, my mother has acquired her fourth horse in ten years, and I’m hoping this one is the keeper. He’s 14 hands and a haflinger, a breed which is like, the Afghan hounds of the horse world (lovely silky platinum manes). He’s also lazy and chunky and I think my family can now stop worrying about losing Mom off a horse, since she’s twice pitched right over the head of her last two (she’s 63. She’s nuts!). She bought him from a woman who read my dad’s blog before they showed up at her stable and she STILL let them on the property (my dad is an ultra-liberal in conservative western NY state), because she is self-described as “the only liberal in [her village].” Having grown up in the neighboring village, I fully believe her. So that’s nice. My parents never had friends when I was growing up, and then they moved an hour away from my hometown and suddenly they’re social and shit. *shrug*
Also, thanks again to everyone who chimed in on my “I am wavering in my no-parenting stance” thread a few weeks ago. I’m leaning hard back towards nope, after a few conversations with MrKat. Thank you for all your words!
They can apparently ONLY arrive in England via the cargo hold, so no fancy expensive pet airline is possible (WHY??), and this is probably needless pre-anxiety about a situation that will never ever come to fruition, but that’s totally my jam.
This is probably just a slip of the keyboard on your part, so this may be no use, but you say they can only arrive in England in your post above – does that definitely apply to Ireland too, or are the rules more convenient for there?
My computer has been freezing and dying all week, so if I can’t keep up this conversation it’s because the technology is failing me. Sorry about that!
You have to enter through England, you can’t take them directly to Ireland. Don’t know why, but them’s the rules.
Ugh, that’s very annoying – sorry, and I hope that whatever you do end up doing you’re able to find a solution that works for you and your pets!
I have shipped a dog from the UK to the US via cargo hold before. It wasn’t my personal dog, but we did a lot of research and cargo hold turned out to be the safest way to deal with both countries’ restrictions on animal importation.
We used a service in London, and the dog’s owner dropped him off at the company’s location, they packaged him up in a very sturdy wooden crate especially for flying, they stapled all his paperwork to the outside, and the dog flew on the same flight as the performer. I was the one who picked him up at the other side, and he came out of the crate pretty nervous but fine. (He’s an extremely shy and neurotic former rescue dog.)
I think the service we used was petairuk.com. It was expensive, but they were very thorough and everything went smoothly.
Thank you for the positive tale!
Close family member flew his companion dog from Midwest US to the Philippines–it was very tiring for the pooch, but everyone is very happy and settled now. It is stressful, but can be done.
Yes, I have transported pets in the cargo! Twice! I moved my older cat, Prosper, from the US to Australia in 2011, and I just got him and his Aussie sister Madeline back to the US last week.
There are companies that will arrange it for you. Go through the iata website and then just read a lot of reviews. Price might vary wildly, too. Typically there’ll be at least a vet screen within 24 hours of their flight, but probably more stuff will be required.
Your pets will probs be cranky but fine. Prosper is an anxious boy, and he was definitely upset both times. Madeline is chill and was cuddling with me and purring within an hour of being home. It depends a lot on their personalities. Good luck!
Did anyone watch “Home Fires”? Because it sucked me in with its cunning deployment of talented actresses with great faces and now I have many thoughts and feelings which I will put in a comment so I don’t spoil it for anyone.
Spoilers:
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1. WHY THE GRATUITOUS DEAD LESBIAN, “HOME FIRES”?
2. Does anyone else think Teresa, besides being a saint, looks like Mary Shepard’s illustrations for “Mary Poppins”?
3. Disclaimer: I’m an American, but: are the accents in this show kind of dodgy? “We’ll talk like we’re froom the coontry!”
4. Francesca Annis has got to be back for Season 2 because she’s nailing the “Stylish Older Woman” thing.
5. What is going to happen to Mrs. Scotlock because I am rather worried about her.
6. The “sisters who love each other but also compete with each other” dynamic on this show is SOLID.
And finally:
7. Yay! Abusive guy is going away! Pat is free!
I feel like the obvious for Mrs. Scotlock’s dilemma is just to snitch on all the dudes she fixed the books for. Is this not an easy out of jail thing? Maybe I just watch too many dumb crime shows…
But I really wanted Teresa to go to NYC with her beloved. Majorly disappointed in that story line. Like the only right lesbian love is a chaste sad one? Booo! But yay for literacy?
Here’s the whole song: https://soundcloud.com/samuel77/home-fires-main-t…
I know. I wanted her to be free and happy but also on the show because she’s an interesting character. And she and Connie were already going to be apart, so killing Connie off is just twisting the knife.
Thank goodness for PBS. Totally addicted to “Home Fires.” Was very upset over Mrs. Scotlock’s arrest. Another season of “The Bletchley Circle” while we wait for season 2 of “Home Fires” would be most welcome.
Is there a dog thread yet? Dog!
This is Ichabod! He hasn’t even been with us for a month yet, but he is Trusty Pup & Prince Important and also very sleepy.
what a wonderful snoozy face, ahhhh. (and paws!)
Aaaaah he is so scruffly!
That dog is adorable and also CLEARLY an Ichabod. You are a good namer of dogs.
It was between Ebenezer & Ichabod. The family votes all tied, so we put two cards with the names (and cat treats) on the floor and let Big Sister Eel choose.
That is so fucking charming I can’t even tell you.
SCRUFFY!
Buried corgi nose:
What a luxurious creature!!
On a trip to San Antonio, I got to see a small corgi meet a large corgi. There were also other corgis!
I’m convinced all corgis have the same personality. I know that ears-back ‘back off buddy’ look well.
Shelter pups!
I will take No. 2 right this minute. So square!
Violet is basically the best puppy in the world. She pretty much house trained herself instantly, never cries if she’s in the crate, and she watches Brooklyn Nine-Nine with me. Plus, she has a tail (Old English Sheepdogs have their tails docked for the most part, but the family getting her wanted it left on, thank goodness because tail docking is the worst) and it is unbelievably cute.
Mine’s being a pop-up dog at my desk today
Just finished the first season of Fresh Off the Boat and it was awesome and everything I didn’t know I needed and it is so great to see Asian-American characters on television! I saw some of my family so hard in those characters and I really hope the show goes on to have many successful seasons. Anyone else a fan?
LOVE THAT SHOW. Constance Wu is my everything. The second season has been GREAT so far, even without the voiceover from RL!Eddie
I haven’t started it yet but I’m really excited about it! Constance Wu is the best and needs to be in everything.
I’ve only watched part of the first season but the voice over may be one of my least favorite parts. It just feels unnecessary? Constance Wu and Randall Park are amazing and I just generally really like the show.
I love Fresh off the Boat and I am eternally grateful it brought Constance Wu into my life. (Randall Park too!)
Same!
This is pretty much the only show I’m even watching anymore (well. That and How to Get Away With Murder.) It’s definitely my bright spot in the week. The second season has been on point so far.
uggggh I feel like I have been in some completely weird way, lately. Like i can’t focus on anything for more than a couple minutes, everything is boring, nothing is satisfying, but I don’t have the attention span to actually do anything.
Blah, ugh, argh, complaints complaints complaints
Well, your comments have been on point, especially your discussion of that gross Atlantic article yesterday, so that’s something!
But I know that feeling and it’s not fun. Hope your brain fog lifts.
I hate that feeling. I’ve been living there off and on since my two year old was born. Just coast until you can climb again, is all I can say.
What’s the longest stretch of uninterrupted sleep you’ve had recently?
Because not being rested often kills one’s attention span, and having an infant hanging around you often messes with one’s sleep schedule.
I’ve heard, anyway.
surprisingly, my sleep schedule has been pretty good. My wife — because she’s still on maternity leave and doesn’t have to go to work in the mornings — gets up with the baby at night, but he is an astonishingly good sleeper. She and I will switch off starting next week when she goes back to work, but I’d still guess that he’s out cold by ten or ten-thirty five nights out of the week, and sleeps eight or nine hours at a stretch.
So, I don’t think it’s that. I think I just don’t have a good project to work on is my problem. I get…distractable, I guess, when there’s nothing drawing me along.
It’s the Late Autumn Blahs! It’s such a boring mood it’s almost an un-mood. I’ve been having that lately, and it seems like a lot of people I know are, as well.
There was a thread about this a while back, but, skin care? The thread before was asking about giving life to sort of dull skin, which I would like advice on, but also, I feel like my skin is getting old. I’m in my 30s, so, that happens, but specifically I am concerned about my under-eye baggy area and just generally feeling like my skin is droopy. Can I fix it? How can I fix it? How can I fix it with products I can purchase at my local Target?
Someone in Sephora recommneded Clinique products to me for a different issue but they have made an enourmous difference in how much nicer and brighter my skin looks! I’m in my late twenties and don’t sleep enough so my skin was pretty dull but this stuff helps so much. The downside is price – I was using $ 10 moisturiser before so this is a big leap up from that.
There is a reddit sub that people always recommend (skincareaddiction) and I like beautypedia (though she also sells her own brand of products so it’s not totally unbiased, and I don’t agree with her that everything that comes in a jar is automatically inferior)
My absolute favorite thing ever that works on EVERYONE–from me to my delicate skinned redhead friend to luscious complexion black lady magic friends–is the Crunchy Betty Mocha-Frappuccino Mask. All the caffeine absorbs through your skin for a great wake up for dull/tired faces, the coffee grinds and coffee is an amazing exfoliant that doesn’t destroy the environment like microbeadsofdeath, milk baths are a hydration dream, and honey is a real-deal acne fighter. I used this on my tired-OMG AM I AGING? OR DO I JUST LOOK AT BLUE LIGHT ALL DAY-skin, and it fixed all my problems ever. Also, it costs dollars. I am a Mocha-Frap Face evangelist & skin care nerd. This shit is legit.
http://www.crunchybetty.com/mocha-frappucino-mask…
I love Crunchy Betty, and wish she hadn’t ….. whatever that was. Concerning.
I have a clairsonic brush and I feel like it really helps with overall liveliness of my skin (and I’m sure that a different brand probably does about the same thing).
i’m older than you and from a family of eye skin issues. i use mario badescu products because they are so so nourishing, though i know they’re mostly online order unless your local ulta has samples of what you like.
that said, i think garnier and aveeno are both making some very nice moisturizers & eye creams. you might have to try a few, but go ahead and slather them on shortly after washing your face before bed. i’ve had great luck when sleeping with a humidifier on in drier months, my face absorbs the mist and is much more dewey.
if you use an under eye concealer [i like makeup forever from sephora], i usually put a little dot of eye cream with the dot of concealer on my pinky, rub the 2 pinkies together and dab it on. moisturizer will help your skin, but it also helps thin out the makeup so you’re diffusing the effect it has on you less-firm skin. this is mainly an appearance thing, but it does help.
I’m in your same spot! My favorite thing to do is rip out all the eye cream samples from Vogue/Allure/etc. (I get free subscriptions because I’m obsessed with getting Coke points) and experimenting until I find one I like.
Also, a friend of mine does Mary Kay and their eye cream is really nice!
I am a Convert to Sephora sleeping masks. Ok, they’re four dollars each, but there is so much in each little tin that it is a whole week of night moisturizers for me, so I go through one per week. I’ve been experimenting with a different one each week for a couple months now (favorites so far are pomegranate and honey though green tea is good too) and I have noticed so much difference in my skin quality. The eye bags are going away! My skin is tighter and firmer! I break out less! I am a Sephora Sleeping Mask evangelist now.
Protip: Store them in your fridge and they feel even better going on. Also, the tin isn’t resealable, so I just pop whichever I have open into my tiniest tupperware and fridge that too.
There’s a site called beautifiedyou that has sample bags for $5-15. They have good sized samples of mid to high-end products. Lots of nice moisturizers, masks, and a toner sample in mine. It was good for trying products without spending a ton of money on a full size or signing up for a subscription box. I used other sites to find similar (but cheaper!) products that I could get at Ulta or drugstores.
This isn’t a Target product, but you can get them at Whole Foods (and similar stores), vitamin shops, etc.: argan oil and rosehip oil. They’re in a lot of fancypants skincare products now (and I have used many of those products and they’re quite nice!) but just the oils on their own are a) pretty cheap and b) GREAT (though of course your mileage may vary, everyone’s skin is different, etc.). My skin is super dry, so I use argan at night under my regular moisturizer – I find it to be a great moisture boost. The rosehip seems to help my skin look a little brighter (and more moisturized) – I use it in the morning, again under my regular face cream. That, and a regular, gentle exfoliation, keeps me looking pretty perky.
I am completely in the dark with products, but suffer terrible hormone-related but awesomely stress-induced rosacea. To the point of it affecting my vision. And I truly find that tons of water and enough sleep are my best friends. Also keeping stress levels down. Since really putting effort into those, I find it also helped my cystic acne.
Aside from that, cannot say enough about essential oils. Find a local aromatherapist to do something custom for you (most of us are not expensive for individual custom orders).
I have just received a tube of Vicco turmeric cream in the mail and I am very excited. It sounds like a miracle? http://www.makeupandbeautyhome.com/2014/09/5-diff…
I have very fair skin, and spot testing on my arm at work is making me hopeful that I won’t go orange!
I have ridiculously picky skin, and have found that I’m best off making my own stuff. I’m 37 with very sensitive combination skin. Here’s my routine:
1. Rub extra virgin olive oil into my face. You’re meant to do this for a while, I really don’t bother for long.
2. Run a bamboo flannel/washcloth (softer than cotton) under a hottish tap, wring it out, and drape it over my face until it cools a bit. I reach out and put my deodorant on while I’m doing this, I can do it without looking, and apparently this looks rather peculiar. Gently wipe the oil off with it. This is a simplified version of the Oil Cleansing Method, you can read up on that. It’s vey refreshing, gentle on the skin, but your skin feels properly clean afterwards.
3. Apply solid oil moisturiser. I make this by putting various solid oils into a small glass jar, adding a couple of drops of essential oils, melting over a bain marie (i.e. putting it in a small pan with water coming halfway up the side of the jar), then putting it into the freezer to harden. My usual mix is good quality coconut oil, then some cocoa butter, then some kokum butter, which helps get the texture where I want it and is generally luscious stuff. The essential oils vary depending on what I fancy, but there are plenty of classics for skincare, such as frankincense. If you want to try this, start by getting a jar of food grade coconut oil and seeing how your skin likes it.
I don’t wear makeup, so perhaps I’d want something that was emulsified with water if I did, but I don’t end up with shiny skin anyway. It soaks in pretty fast, and because it’s all vegetable oil, it all gets absorbed. With commercial moisturisers, a lot of what you’re paying for is water and then lower-quality fillers. I get loads of compliments on my skin, it’s dirt cheap, and it’s very little trouble to keep up with.
Hi friends!
Please enjoy this video on the 2015 Charm City Strongwoman contest, which features many different strong women of different body types and sizes moving around all sorts of heavy objects.
I’m also in there, moving some stuff around, including my own body in warmups. ^^;
https://youtu.be/q5x-BWbKiWc
Um. That’s the best thing I’ve ever seen.
Hey Toasties! I’m excited because I think I’ve finally hit that point where I can DO THINGS outside of work, three months into my new job. It took a while to get into the swing of things, but this week I went to evening events on Tuesday and Wednesday, and last night I drafted a piece that I had pitched and gotten accepted and owed my editor and sent it over to him. I’m feeling like a person again. An exhausted person, today, but a person! Have you had this experience, where a new job turns into an all-work-all-the-time robot for a while? Isn’t it the best when that’s over?
From this week’s dinner conversations I’ve gathered that my dad and brother believe that the internment of Japanese Americans during WW2 was justified and that fat-shaming is their moral right. It was a good week other than that, though?
I have an objectively fine life but sometimes I just feel very very angry and also probably sleep-deprived.
I think some aggressive bald-shaming is in order there.
Yeah, having those conversations with family where you realize “wow, you believe some terrible things” is the worst. This week both of my parents went off on how the things at Mizzou are just people making persecution out of nothing (“MLK was good, but people claiming racism is a problem today are just cupcakes”), and my brother whined about raising the minimum wage, because bootstraps. I have no idea how everyone in my family has such terrible conservative politics, when otherwise they are decently good people. “I have an objectively fine life but sometimes I just feel very very angry” is the best way I’ve heard how I feel about that described, so thank you for that!
hearing garbage opinions from people you love is such an isolating experience. your family is supposed to be safe and nurturing so when they say terrible things it just feels like a betrayal.
Ouch, condolences on people with horrible opinions who are family so you can’t take them out back and set them on fire. My mother has a ton of unexamined shitty opinions about mental health and recently said some horribly insensitive things about Margaret Trudeau; knowing she’s unlikely to ever truly change her thinking, the best I can do is consistently let her know it’s totally unacceptable to voice those opinions in public. An appeal to propriety isn’t much, but if it helps her avoid spouting off around someone who might be struggling themself, it’s better than nothing.
I got the results from my MA (in Library and Information Studies) yesterday, and so am now a qualified librarian (woo). It was a Pass with Merit, and I had been hoping for a Pass with Distinction, but was trying not to get my hopes up; I am a bit disappointed (and nervous about what my dissertation mark/feedback will be when I get that in a few weeks), but glad that I have it, at least.
That quiche looks excellent.
Welcome to the club!
If it helps, I got a Pass on my MA (dissertations are hard to write when you’re having immigration panic attacks), and whatever, was pretty disappointed because I figured I’d never get to do a PhD at Oxford/Cambridge, which is the someday dream.
AND THEN, TWO YEARS LATER, I spoke to a friend who had a very similar educational path, got a Pass at the same uni, and then got into a PhD at Oxford. SO.
Dear Toasties, I want to like/comment on every single one of your comments and wish you well and say Happy Friday, but I just finished reading all of that TIME piece on Charleston that was posted in the link round-up and all I can say is that I was very AFFECTED by it, and I was have a very nice, calm, happy Friday up until I read it and now I can’t stop thinking about it. Which is good, I suppose, I’m a firm believer in not overlooking or ignoring horrible things just because they’re horrible and we’d rather now, but — I kind of don’t know how to process from here.
Regardless — my life is fine, good things happening, and I’m happy it’s Friday. Hope it’s a good weekend for everyone!
So, remember last week how I was like “Wah, my boss, wah,” and y’all provided thoughtful (and much appreciated!) responses?
He left this week. New job. Never coming back. You people are the best kind of witches.
Oooh, I forgot! Has anyone else made it past the terribly off-putting title and watched My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend? It’s good, especially if you like stories about mental illness and funny/sad songs sung by incredibly talented people. I feel like it teeters dangerously close to the edge of too offensive, but Rachel Bloom is so delightful it’s hard not to forgive it its shortcomings.
Yes! I wish they hadn’t named it that. It will go into the bin of great shows killed by their names, with Selfie, Trophy Wife, Happy Endings, and Don’t Trust the B_____ in Apt. 23.
RIP Don’t Trust the B. “Smackwich! Your face is the meat, my hands are the bread!”
I’ve been watching Supergirl (cheesy but cute), and every time David Harewood comes on screen I get sad about Selfie being cancelled all over again. That show was the best. John Cho as a romantic lead was wonderful.
I have to love it because it is set in the town I grew up in. There was an article in the LAWeekly about why they chose it as a representative of the real LA and they had me
I’ve been singing “West Covina” for weeks now! I wondered whether it was an actual place!
I tried it, because everyone compared it to Jane the Virgin, which is my favorite show since Pushing Daisies (a big deal for me to say). But I just couldn’t do it. Maybe it was too familiar, as a (future) lawyer with a really empty dating life, but it filled me with SO MUCH second-hand embarrassment. I wanted to crawl under the table and die. BUT the Sexy Getting Ready Song from the first episode almost made up for the cringing (the rapper who saw all of the things she used to get ready and had to go apologize to some bitches was GOLD).
I was getting massively sick of the ads I kept seeing on YouTube (oh my god WHAT AN AWFUL NAME), and then I saw “Settle for Me.”
“This is a musical?!” I shrieked. “Well, why didn’t they advertise it as a musical? I’d have actually given it a damn chance!”
I still haven’t gotten around to actually watching it, but I did watch all the songs and enjoy them immensely.
That show will forever have my love because it referenced the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire. One of my favorite things of all time. I mean, obviously, I’m against fires now and in the future, but if you’re going to like a fire, this is the one. I literally SCREAMED when they mentioned it. For a significant amount of time.
Also, yes, the name is terrible but the show is delightful. It gets a bit too squirmy embarrassment for me at times, but I’m gonna stick with it for the foreseeable future.
Did anyone else get cursed child tickets? I got cheap seats and will probably need a telescope to see the stage. 😉
If anyone is still following my love life (a girl can dream) I told Intensity Guy I needed him to cool it with all the second-guessing and begging for reassurance. It does seem to come from a place of anxiety rather than neediness, and he’s been very good about cutting down on that behaviour. I do feel like I can be direct with him, which bodes well! We had a great second date, and I’m really excited to see him again.
Question: is there anyone out there who’s a naturally late riser who has had to adapt to an early morning schedule? Starting Monday I’ll have to be out of bed by 6:30am latest, for the last three weeks of my current job AND for the new job I start in December, while left to my own devices I tend to rise around 8:30 or 9. Tips/tricks for people who love their beds?
The ONLY thing that makes it possible for me is a wake-up light turned up to full power. My “sunrise” begins before 6 a.m., with full light and an alarm at 6:30.
This is the one I have: http://www.amazon.com/Philips-Hf3470-Wake-up-Ligh…
My other trick is drinking a large glass of water right before bed.
Yes some sort of automatic light is essential. Also handy is a programmable thermostat, programmed to make it nice and toasty when it’s time to get up. This way you aren’t tempted by a warm bed, and it might get so warm you have to get out of bed. Also keep your phone and anything entertaining away from the bed, so you have to get up to look at it.
Setting a firm, no-argument bedtime ritual is the only thing that lets me get up at seven every day. And that’s: no food after 9pm, no screens of any kind after 10pm, a shower at tenish to wind down, and in bed by 11pm. The no screens thing really helped – I think it’s a combination of being able to avoid the “just one more round” type of games and keeping the light down.
Thank you! Out of curiosity, do you stick to this routine on weekends/when you don’t HAVE to get up early the next day? Sometimes I’ll get a good streak going, then relax a bit on the weekend, and then I’m back to bad habits on Monday.
I do stick to the bedtime ritual even when I don’t have to get up. And sometimes I get up and sometimes I don’t. (Actually, it’s a handy diagnostic – if I stick to my bedtime ritual and am still regularly sleeping past ten if I don’t set an alarm, I’m coming down with something/heading into another bout of depression/seriously overworked and need to take a day off.)
I’m naturally a night person, but have had to get up at 6 am for my job for the last 7 or so years. Agreed with above advice about the wake-up light and a firm schedule. I’m in bed no later than 11 or else I really feel it.
Obnoxious alarms, several of them. I have four: “get up and have so much time if you feel like it/you have this much longer to sleep,” “get up and have a reasonable amount of time getting ready, you can do fun makeup things!” “get up NOW to have enough time to wake up,” and “GET THE FUCK OUT THE BED.” I set all but the last one for every weekday. I leave the last one so I have to turn it on and make sure all my others are also on. Firm bedtime is a good idea too. I don’t always have the discipline for it, but once you get set up that becomes easier. I’m going to start going to the gym at 5:30 (!!!!!) on Monday and am terrified. In preparation, I’ve changed my alarm so that it vibrates even more obnoxiously.
(Also, sometimes I’ll pull up a familiar tv show on the netflix app so that I can fall asleep with going totally under between alarms. And scientists said the blue light is okay now!
I started early job at the same time as I moved, which helped I think to reset my rhythms.
I am usually a night owl insomniac and now I get up at 6:30 for work and it isn’t terrible at all.
I don’t bring my phone or laptop to bed. Ever. It is plugged in out of reach. Bed is for sleeping and sex. If I want to read at night I also try to make myself do it out of bed but that is somewhat less successful.
I can see a clock if I sort of half sit up, and I need to get most of the way out of bed to reach my alarm.
Those are the things that seem to be working well for me right now. I have had many many early morning commitments in the past and it’s usually totally terrible but this time around it seems to be working for me.
I am so ready for it to be Friday. I had my Skype interview yesterday morning, and while I wasn’t super stressed out about it, by the time I got to work in the afternoon I was completely wiped. (Once again, it’s been more than two weeks since I’ve had two days off in a row, thanks to the bizarreness that is working in a public library that’s open seven days a week.) But I have a three-day weekend starting tonight, and I am so, so relieved.
Except that I’ll find out next week if they want me to come in for an in-person interview, which means flying cross-country for one day. I’ve basically already decided that I’ll do it if they offer – this job sounds great, and the job market is tight, there’s no telling when I’ll get another chance this good. But oh my god, the stress.
Ugh why are some creators so bad at taking criticism and some can do it fine. I mean, I know why, and I know if I ever do create something with wide appeal, I might be the worst, but it is still disappointing.
Mindy Kaling, this is not a good response to why most (if not all) of the people you date on your show are white men, “Someone write an article about white leads on shows who won’t date outside their race. You’ve got PLENTY of options. I dare you.” https://twitter.com/mindykaling/status/6648654376…
Alan Yang responded to a similar critique with this, ““Also a good topic for next season if we get one! Me and Aziz talk about this issue in real life sometimes.”” from http://www.vulture.com/2015/11/master-of-none-and… If you have to respond (which you don’t) that is a decent way to!
They can do what they want, obviously and I still prefer Mindy Kaling’s show to many many mediocre white men tv shows, but it is frustrating.
I don’t think Mindy Kaling ought to be immune from criticism on that issue but I can see why she would offer that response. She has spent her whole life and career experiencing racism and yet she is receiving more flack for her casting choices than most of the white people around her. I don’t remember anyone criticizing How I Met Your Mother for its whitewashing of New York, for example.
That’s a common opinion and a reasonable one. I would say that
1. I do see a fair amount of criticism of the How I met Your Mothers/ Friends/ Girls types of shows that are all white people in NYC.
2. Mindy Kaling talks about being progressive and trying to do better than the average of Hollywood, so she is going to be held to a higher standard. The white guys are worse defense is just not one I find compelling.
I feel really frustrated with Mindy Kaling’s defensiveness re. race and inclusion as a WOC. I do understand that she gets more questions on that end that her white male counterparts, but I do hope that she could respond a bit better than “other people do it too,”
I think that there’s a lot of things for WOC to unpack re. dating white dudes, especially for those of us who identify as East, SE, or South Asian, and godddd just acknowledge it, Mindy. Just acknowledge that it’s complicated. No one is expecting a full blown Masters thesis on beauty & masculinity standards in Western societies, although I would personally love it if a showrunner actually said “I got my own preferences to work out and maybe they’re part of internalized racism, maybe they’re not, thanks guys.”
I am a regular Vulture reader and can’t remember anything very incisive about HIMYM aside from the show’s response to criticism elsewhere regarding yellow face.
There were many pieces about the Girls show runner *responding* to criticism, but they were relatively gentle with her, probably on account of her personal relationship with their art critic.
Which is not to say that Kaling doesn’t deserve criticism, but she’s not wrong to point out all the white people given a pass on all-white romances. I also think Ansari makes a lot more consistently progressive comments than she does.
I don’t read Vulture very often, so that makes sense.
This is a topic I’m interested in and like to read about so I’m hopping in to see what y’all think. (I will say, and this is not hugely important in the grand scheme of life, I’m in an Indian guy/white lady couple. Watching Master of None, I realized I’d never seen that pairing on any movie or tv show before, and it made me happy to see it there.)
I’ve seen smarter people than me say that they don’t think it’s bad for Aziz to be dating a white woman on the show, it’s just odd that it isn’t discussed or mentioned. I have’t watched the show yet, so I will hold off comments on the show itself. Representation as you mention is important.
Also, Mindy Kaling’s show and personal Facebook feed is basically a fountain of horrible rape jokes and no one ever calls her out on it and it drives me INSANE.
Like seriously what the actual fuck is this
https://www.facebook.com/OfficialMindyKaling/phot…
What the……?????!!!!!!!!
This makes me sad. I’m a big fan of hers. Oooooof
I used to be, but she pretty much lost me after the Mindy Project had both Mindy and Danny’s ex sexually assault James Franco’s character while he was passed out, and portrayed it as a big ol’ joke.
So awful. This reminds me a lot of Amy Schumer’s sketchy jokes about all Latinos being rapists. And they make these terrible jokes because they have learned they’ll be rewarded for it.
DID YOU KNOW that you can overdose on black licorice, poisoning yourself and spending 24 hours with horrible cramping, exhaustion, nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea?
I didn’t know.
Now I do.
this is both a warning and a challenge.
If you decide to take the challenge, I got the above results with a full bag of Panda, and now I never want to eat or see or smell licorice again.
WHAT
RIGHT?!
I always knew I didn’t trust it for a reason.
But what a way to go (mmm, black licorice).
Ewg, I’m sorry to hear this happened to you. With Panda brand it may be a combo of the whole wheat flour and molasses plus licorice, but anything using *real* licorice extract can also jack your blood pressure up if you overdo it, which is why a lot of brands use anise for flavoring instead. Licorice = food, but also medicine, definitely. Feel better soon!
I did not know that specifically, but I did know that black licorice can mess up your heart if you’re already being medicated for things like tachycardia. A Most Dangerous Candy.
Hope you’re feeling better!
I would like to watch the six part BBC adaption of “A most Dangerous Candy”.
Only if Suzannah Lipscomb and Lucy Worsley host it.
With guest appearances by Sue Perkins.
O_O
Yikes, I guess my mother wasn’t making that up to scare me out of eating too much candy! But now I’ve remembered I still have some salmiak fish just waiting to be eaten. Salty black licorice, I love it even if it’s going to make me sick!
Well, depending what ails you, it can also be good for you! (a pick-me-up, and good for pooping too!)
It’s all dosage and individual bodies, I think!
I’ve done a similar thing with those green apple gummy candy ring things. Though I think it lasted around 8 hours rather than 24, so there’s that. Fun times.
Okay, I have a novel dilemma… My boss got me a “spot bonus” (quite delightful, didn’t know a non-profit could do such a thing) — when the dust clears, I’ll end up with a couple of hundred dollars of mad money. I do not want to spend it on anything virtuous or prudent, because I do plenty of virtuous and prudent things. But for the life of me, I can’t think of what I want as a special treat. Suggestions?
(Yes, I can always get more books/music/films, but…. The closest I got was thinking about getting the whole set of “horrid novels” from Northanger Abbey, until I found them as a 99 cent download on Kindle…)
Are there things that you enjoy doing that you wish you could do more often? If you can’t think of anything, why not go to a restaurant that you’ve heard amazing things about but is far outside your price range? I know when my friends and I save up and do this it’s always an amazing experience.
A really nice coat or bag or pair of beautiful boots? A weekend away?
My mind went right to boots, too.
Call me materialistic, perhaps, but a really nice coat, bag, or boots can make me so much happier with my wardrobe and persona and life.
How about a weekend class or workshop at a local adult education center or studio? I spent a bit on a wood turning class recently and found it very rewarding.
I’m always a big fan of fancy dinners with fancy cocktails, myself.
I might space the spending out, but go out to eat three or four times more per week, until the money is gone. Panera three times a week is something I want, but can’t really justify. Or go to the movies more or whatever small to medium weekly purchase you might enjoy.
I second taking a class. That is something that will stay with you. Another good thing might be fantastic concert/theater seats (or just tickets to some really expensive concert).
Massage! I loooove having a massage, but can only bring myself to pay for one every five years or so. My other thought was a night in a nearby city/hotel in your own city but a different part of it. Whatever fun travel you can squeeze in for that amount. Orrr a really fancy dinner. Clearly I’m just a wee bit too good at thinking of ways to treat myself…
Two hundred dollars of mad money?
– a great leather satchel
– craft supplies: the lushest yarns, the most beautiful fabrics, etc.
– comic books!
– getting a fun poster and then having is professionally framed
– a really big terrarium
– a subscription to The New Yorker/your expensive magazine of choice
– a globe
– it’s seasonal craft fair time: I’d probably blow it on artisan knick-knacks, tbh
It’s Friday afternoon and I have writer’s block. I want to go home and take a nap. /cubicle problems
Guys, I found out last week that I got into grad school and I’m super excited but also terrified because *student loans*.
Also, this guy is coming to visit me this weekend and last week he also asked me if I would be his girlfriend and I was all like, “Let’s just be friends for a bit longer” and he’s going to visit my church and I’m just not ready for everyone to see me with a guy yet and ask me when he and I are getting married already.
Woohoo! I’m actually somewhat on time for an open thread! I had a job interview in my home state this afternoon after less than 24 hours notice; they called me yesterday while I was driving from 3 states away (I was already on my way for a visit) to ask if I could come in and because I’m a sucker for punishment, I said yes. But I think it went well! I applied for two other positions at the same company, and the recruiter called me immediately after I left to tell me that one of the other teams wants to meet me while I’m in town. I already interviewed with this team over Skype, so it’ll be exciting to meet them in person! I’m going back this afternoon.
Fingers crossed for employment! I’m about to hit the six month mark of unemployment since graduation, and I’d love to get a job right about now.
Yay!! Good luck! The job hunt is the very worst.
Also I need to register my amusement/horror that the most popular comment I have ever made on this site contains a typo. Whyyyyyyyyyyyy.
Toasties, I’m going to New Orleans next week! We’re staying in the French Quarter. Does anyone have recommendations? I just want to eat seafood and beignets, but I probably need to find some other things to do too!
The Voodoo Museum, obviously.
Gator-watching boats are fun too, as is gator-feeding time at the Zoo.
go to the pharmacy museum! also, the long wait and long line is worth it for preservation hall, but go EARLY, or you might not get into any of the shows, which makes the line not worth it. also, stroll down frenchmen street and have your pick from multiple bands playing every night. i think strolling through the garden district is also nice (and quieter, if you want a break from the french quarter). for food, i also really liked mother’s. french 75 had the best cocktails and yummy souffle potatoes. coquette in the garden district had a great 3-course lunch.
have fun!
The new park that goes from the French Market to the Bywater is super nice if the weather is good. Bacchanal is EXCELLENT. Nice food, wine and live music in a very chill atmosphere.
Also – beignets at Morning Call are the best.
i just came home from there and i’ll 2nd eating in bywater. we stayed in marigny which is very nice and has some great breakfast places [cafe nicaud, horn, ruby slipper] and very good street music. we missed the pharmacy museum but looked inside and wished we didn’t mess up on the days it was open.
take the st. charles street car to the garden district and walk around and look at the fantastic houses. plenty of “best garden district houses” google results will give you a diy tour. we also took the ferry across the river to algiers for kicks, but mainly just drinks. walking the waterfront is nice.
oh! but we did take st charles all the way to the audubon park, which, if you like ducks, egrets and herons, there are lots of water inlets and birds galore. plus it’s a good time to walk off your beignets.
Aah, I was just there and did so many Toast-recommended things that were all great!
1. Preservation Hall, yes, but get there at least an hour ahead of time. Bring a snack.
2. My partner and I both thought our kayak tour of the bayou was the unexpected highlight of our trip. Some tours feed the alligators, which isn’t great, but we went with a more naturalist-oriented company (Canoe and Trail Adventures?) and they were amaaaazing. Wear sunblock.
3. If you eat meat, go have a sandwich and a bacon praline at Cochon Butcher. It’s right by the Ogden Museum of Southern Art, which we really liked.
4. Oyster happy hours are a thing there. Luke in the Central Business District had really good 75-cent oysters, but no atmosphere. The Blind Pelican in the Lower Garden District had 25-cent oysters (!!!) that took forEVER to come out but were pretty good too–a nicely seedy introduction to the city for us.
ELIZABETH’S. It’s in the Bywater, but not a terrible walk from the French Quarter. Get the fried green tomatoes and thank me later. The batter is made of ANGEL TEARS.
Also Erin Rose. They have frozen Irish coffees and a po’boy shop in the back (called Killer Po’Boys) that’s delicious.
If you’re going to Elizabeth’s, go for breakfast/brunch. I find dinner to be super over-priced.
Ha, we went twice and only during those times, so I trust your judgement! But we were also visiting from NYC so we were certainly biased. “Everything is SO cheap here!”
Will you be there on a Friday? Because if you are, you should definitely, definitely go to August on Tchoupitoulas Street for a fancy lunch. They have a prix fixe from 11:00 am to 2:00 pm that is TWENTY DOLLARS for some seriously amazing food–like, an appetizer, an entree, and a dessert, but they almost always bring out an amuse-bouche to start and then chocolates and pralines with the check. They could easily charge twice that much and it would STILL be a good deal. It’s a tiny bit of a hike from the French Quarter, but probably a 10 minute taxi ride if you don’t feel like walking.
Oh also, do any Jenny Trout fans want to discuss The Baby? I am not ok.
ME TOOOO!
I am really conflicted on how I feel about the deaths. I feel like they were maybe a little gratuitous? Also, I was soooo impressed with how Jenny always handled Sophie’s childless-by-choice stance, and j feel like it was such a cop out to be like “oh but it turns out I can parent and love it after all.”
In truth, I don’t know what I would have done in that situation but I don’t want to parent enough that leaving the marriage would absolutely be on the table. I would also have made it a lot clearer to my family that we do not want legal guardianship of their children (I have in fact had this conversation once already!).
LOTS OF SPOILERS!!!
It was a lot darker than I had expected it to be. The previous books had plenty of angst, but this was a different level, and while I felt the ending was appropriate for the book, it didn’t leave me happy in the way The Girlfriend, The Bride, and The Ex did.
Also, the conflict in the previous books stemmed mainly from who Neil and Sophie are as people. Like, Neil making decisions for Sophie, Sophie being kind of self-centered and not always honest. I didn’t like it as much in The Baby where the conflict arose out of an external event. Even though Emma and Michael were pretty fully developed characters, their deaths felt a little like the “girlfriend in the fridge” trope.
Also, I was disappointed that it undermined some of the good parts of the previous book–at the end of The Ex, you think they’re finally being honest with each other and that Neil had done work on himself, but it turns out he was actually lying to her the whole time about drinking and doing all kinds of drugs!
With regard to the baby, I really liked how Jenny allowed Sophie to get an abortion without being punished for it, and that childless-by-choice was treated as a legitimate path, and that was undermined by her eventually being okay with becoming a parent anyway. At the same time, I don’t think I want kids, but I also think that if a relative passed away and gave me legal guardianship, I would do it. So that part rang true to me.
Yes agreed on the whole “he was lying the whole time” thing. Probably pretty realistic but stillllll.
I guess I just wish I could have one fucking book or show or movie where the childless person remained happily childless instead of Learning The True Joy Of Parenting.
Glad I saw this before purchasing. Think I’m gonna pretend the series ended with the last book. Not really here for “childless-by-choice” getting roped into parenting.
Unless Emir gets enough screentime that it’s worthwhile?
Eh, some. Not a lot.
I still enjoyed it and read it in 1 day, but it’s the darkest and my least favorite of the series.
Actually. The more I think about it, the more pissed off I am about that turn of events. I was blinded by the losses and grief, but man, I cannot believe that that’s how Sophie’s story ends: “well, I *thought* I didn’t want kids but really I didn’t realize the magic and whatever of babies so now I have a surprise one and it’s THE BEST!”
Does anyone have any experience with having or having been a child with migraines? I suffer from them, and I suspect these “head pains” my son is having might be related.
I do get them, and all I can say is gabapentin has been a lifesaver. And thank goodness for it being cheap & generic. It has made my migraines less frequent, less intense, and made me able to head them off at the pass (i.e. when I feel one coming on, I can take steps to make it subside.)
My only advice is pretty basic — keep a headache journal noting time of day, food, and activities and see if you can narrow down what’s triggering them. Also, see a doctor; I’ve had much greater success with prescription migraine meds than with cludging together Advil and coffee and ice packs. Which probably aren’t a great mix for a kiddo. My mom always gave me extra strength Tylenol, which didn’t really help.
I started getting migraines when I was 10 or 11, they turned out to be related to hormones. Thanks puberty!
Same here – I called them “throw-up headaches” when I was a small one, but puberty mostly took care of it. I get one every year and a half, or so, but they’re not bad enough for me to be on any sort of medication.
I had (untreated) migraines as a kid, and only got proper treatement for them as an adult.
My parents’ response was either “No, your head doesn’t hurt, children don’t get headaches” or “Well, you wouldn’t get them if you went outside more” (contradiction? what contradiction?)
So… don’t do that. Doesn’t help.
Seconding! I had migraines as a kid and my parent’s response was “Take some tylenol and go lay down.” You (spewingllamas) have migraines so you know better than my parents do that they’re not regular headaches! But migraines are weird and his migraines may not look like your migraines so make sure to ask him a bunch of questions about auras, nausea, light and sound sensitivity, etc even if those aren’t things that come along with your migraines.
I started getting them in middle school (along with depression and my period, but according to the Migraine journal the doctor and my mom made me keep, we don’t think they’re hormone or food related). I took a daily migraine med for years (until college) but now I’m just on as-needed-serious painkillers. When I was younger (even more so than now) being in a very cold, dark room helped a lot.
I second the headache journal, both to look for patterns that might be triggers and to help you summarize things for a doctor. I started having them at age 11 or so. Since they presented as abdominal migraines and the stomach problems were much worse than the headaches, it took a long time for the right diagnosis in spite of a family history of migraine. :/ I’ve definitely also had bad luck with a lot of medication combos over the years and have had to change several times.
Things I wish I’d had when I was a kid that would have helped then and really been a life-saver when I first moved out: 1) a model for how to track headaches and to keep track of medications I’ve tried and their results (I still struggle with this, and I honestly had no real sense of this being a long term problem or how much moving and changing doctors I would wind up doing), 2) better ways to explain to teachers and to other kids as needed, and what to say when it was no one’s damn business, and 3) learning how to judge a working relationship with a doctor/know when to switch.
Best wishes to you and your son.
Hi — my daughter had a migraine that lasted 3 months. After the usual advil/tylenol/hydrate/rest methods, went through the following:
1) ophthalmologist who sent us to the
2) er for a spinal tap and CAT scan which were inconclusive who sent us to
3) pediatric neurologist who prescribed gabapentin and the headache log. The gabapentin did nothing. he also wrote a note to the elementary school to tell them to give her all day access to water and the bathroom.
fed up I took her to my gyn’s acupuncturist who put her on magnesium, did 3x a week treatments and occasional cupping. THIS SOLVED THE PROBLEM! After the first treatment she could feel a difference!
She now has only occasional migraines which she treats with magnesium as they come on. Her triggers are barometric pressure changes (like mother like daughter….), hormonal changes.
Best of luck to you!
see a neurologist is my main piece of advice. It really helped when I was diagnosed at 9 with migraines.
As an adult with migraines, daily 500mg magnesium supplements have HUGELY helped.
Sorry, I don’t know how relevant this is to child migraine, but it might be worth looking into. I’m just manically evangelical about magnesium at the moment, because I only discovered it fairly recently, and I reckon it could have saved me several hundred days of migraine over the last 20 years if only I’d known about it sooner. Obviously it’s not going to work for everyone, but if you’re a migraine sufferer then it could be worth a try.
Me too, I used to get 5-10 per month and since I’ve started taking magnesium I’m down to two A YEAR. That stuff is magical.
Late reply because I’m just now reading the OT on a Monday, but I was a child with migraines. I get auras so it was pretty obvious that something was wrong, but my brother also got headaches all the time without an aura and I’m convinced they were migraines. Nobody who worked in my school knew what to do when I suddenly had vision problems, so that was a nightmare.
A note on the headache journal suggestions: this can be super helpful so you should do it, but also be prepared if you don’t find any correlation. I haven’t found what causes mine despite getting them for 20 years and keeping a journal, even though mine are definitely migraines and I’m on prescription medication for them.
Want to help me through this frustrating waiting period by speculating on when my baby will be born? Due date is 11/18, second kid (first was 6 days late).
Also, does anyone have any second labor stories to share? Was it easier or harder?
1st kid born 4 days late — no interventions. Came out at 9 pounds. 2nd one, a week late — had cervix stimulated and water broken. 2nd labor easier, less surprises about what was happening. knowledge is power!
Way easier. First labor was 15 hours from water breaking to birth. Second was 8 hours … and I slept through the first half. Felt a few contractions, thought, no way, I’m going to bed, and woke up four hours later to my water breaking.
The last 30 minutes or so of the second were intense, but it went so quick, I highly recommend everyone just skip right to their second baby. I pushed 8 minutes instead of 90.
I’ll take 11/15 in the baby pool, because why the heck not.
Baby sweepstake time! My bet is on 11/15.
Not sure whether second labor was easier or harder, but definitely earlier and quicker. Much less dawdling around once your body’s done it once…
Hoping it all goes as you want, and wishing you the best of luck for that frustrating waiting time!
Late to this, but my first was seven days late and my second was eight. And the second one’s labor was a much easier, faster process.
Makeup thread? Today begins a weekend of 20% for Sephora VIBs (I will be a VIB Rouge after this!) and I’m very excited. I’m definitely going to try out some Bite Beauty lipsticks, but I’m not sure what else. What products do you love? Specifically, primers. I’ve been using Benefit’s Porefessional but I feel like it doesn’t work well for me anymore.
I like the bite sticks better than the traditional lipsticks, if you haven’t tried those. I am excited they added Kevyn Aucoin over there, so if you haven’t tried the cream blushes those are great. I got the tarte blush palette because these days all I do is mascara / eyebrows / blush.
I’ve not tried anything from Aucoin, maybe I’ll check them out!
I’m only a beauty insider this year and of course this is the year they’re not offering a BI discount. But I have a gift card so I’m still going to buy stuff! Some of the holiday kits look really good- there’s a Bite Beauty one I might try. I’m definitely going to get the one with the mini Fresh Sugar Lip Treatments. I can’t bring myself to spend $$ on a fullsize tube when it’s basically tinted chapstick but I love that stuff so much.
I got the Bite holiday kit and I really like it! I tend to not use up my lipsticks so those small-size ones are perfect for me.
They’re not doing it at all for BIs? Sadness and despair 🙁
I bought the Sugar lip duo last year at the holidays and LOVED them so much, I bought a full size one when I inevitably left it in the car this summer and it melted 🙁
I bought a bite lipstick duo in tangerine and lingonberry. They colors are really bright, but I enjoy that kind of ostentation. The lipsticks wear really well, too. They’re creamy and I find you need to reapply rather often, but I’m ok with that.
Hi I am late to this, but my go-to primer at the moment is the Hourglass Mineral Veil primer. It isn’t all silicone-y (which clogs my pores) and also has SPF! Pricey, but highly recommend.
Ah! I put a deposit down for my wedding venue! And after 10 months of being engaged with all plans on hold during a traumatic job transition, it feels like really good to move forward. The new job is settling nicely, I’ve got a rhythm, and I feel ready to get going with all the goodness. Until I look at my bank statements. THIS feels really nice to type to a semi-anonymous internet.
I don’t know you, but I’m proud of you.
Congratulations! I’m in the process of putting down a deposit for my wedding venue, virtual high five!
OK, here’s a much cheerier question. The lady I have named myself after is the protagonist’s best friend in the 18th century novel Clarissa. She is a fabulous redheaded lesbian, and my headcanon has always been that she manages to rescue her friend in time, and they run away to France together and live happily ever after.
The avatar I am using is perfectly nice, but it was a specific thing I was using in a specific political situation, it keeps popping up whenever I am linked to WordPress, and I’d quite like to have one that’s relevant to my witterings on the Toast. An eighteenth century portrait of a nice redhead would do the trick. Does anyone have a suggestion?
I went for another lady, but I must admire the fertility goddess vibe she has going with her headgear.
Someone has a pinterest board dedicated to 18th century redheads! https://www.pinterest.com/demodecouture/18th-c-re…
I quite like this one:
THAT’S MY GIRL! How does this look?
Perfect! Yay!
Here is an actual 18th century redhead (a unicorn in painting, at the time…)
Also, that is my headcannon, too. Or that she’s the one who stabs Lovelace in a duel, having cross-dressed and posed as a cousin.
Your version definitely wins. It’d need to be fairly early on, of course, before poor Clarissa gets traumatised to fuck (seriously, why are critics so shy of saying that she dies of PTSD-induced anorexia?). And then they could be like the charming ladies on the cover of The Lesbian Pillow Book.
That is some seriously awesome red hair! Although I might go for the damsel with the dog above. I’m swooning over the hair, though.
ROME, everybody! Has anyone else here watched this glorious TV epic about the rise of Caesar?! It’s only two seasons, they made it before Game of Thrones proved that people will watch a billion seasons of nerd TV, but they’re GREAT. Especially the first season! And there are sooo many interesting women and complex points about The Patriarchy (I have like a billion opinions on this btw), and no huge fight scenes despite all the legionnaires, because they put the entire budget into creating an absolutely gigantic set, so instead of attracting viewers with tits and sword fights like GoT does they had to use plot and character development!
Oh Rome. I got into that show while it was still on because of my grandparents of all people. Whenever I try to explain just how strange my family is I only have to say “So look. I’m a college freshman on fall break, spending the week at my grandparents’ house. Nice respectable well to do house in a nice respectable well to do neighborhood because they are nice respectable well to do people. What do they do after dinner? Sit down to watch Rome. So I’ve got my grandmother on one side, grandfather on the other and 90+ year old great-grandma two inches away from the tv in the off-chance that she might see something through her macular degeneration. On the screen there’s a man being gang raped in an Ancient Roman public toilet. My grandparents do not take this as an opportunity to register disgust. They take it as an opportunity to critique their technique. “Well, I’d have waited until he was somewhere else, I mean, who wants to do that just as he was taking a crap?” Thanks, gran. Thanks for the image. And thanks for your comments on Brutus’s dick, grandpa. They will be remembered.”
As will Brutus’s dick.
He still brings up the ‘Born Again Pagan’ scene at odd times. It’s entertaining though just for the strangled look that my mother gets every single time. The only bits of Rome she ever saw were Brutus’s bit in the river and Caesar’s death. She didn’t stick around long for either of them.
That’s the second season which my GF and I decided is not canon. And I know EXACTLY what you mean about Brutus…
I actually watched several episodes of it in my “History of the Roman Republic” class in college. The professor loved it.
Okay so here follows a bunch of my opinions about the patriarchy as featured on the TV show Rome. Keep in mind I’m a lowly science person and not a fancy book knowing person. Note: there will be many spoilers.
Literally every man on this show is at least some of the time a patriarchal woman-oppressing tyrant. Many are shown to abuse, use and sometimes rape women (these scenes are not made out to be titillating or cool, at least not as far as I remember, and they’re usually not unnecessarily violent). This includes the good guys. The uptight centurion Vorenus returns after eight years of war to discover there’s a new baby in the house, either born to his 13 year old daughter or to his wife who’d been told he was dead. He expects to be welcomed as the head of the family immediately. He controls his wife and daughters through the threat of violence, like a Roman man is supposed to do, and is fully prepared to commit honour killings if the baby’s origins would turn out to be fishy. And the cheerful, friendly Pullo discovers that his crush (a slave) has a boyfriend and murders him before her eyes, then keeps trying to marry her until he succeeds.
And we also see the consequences. Vorenus’ family is desperately afraid of him, and they spend a lot of time trying to navigate life with him in a way that won’t get them murdered. He’s totally oblivious to their fear, and he’s generally seen as honest, reliable, dutiful and good-hearted. Which he is, also. You like him! You do feel for him, even when you can’t believe his naivety when he’s sad because his family doesn’t seem to be very fond of him. “IT’S BECAUSE THEY THINK YOU MIGHT KILL THEM, WHICH YOU TOTALLY WOULD”, you yell at the TV. “PULLO, STOP GIVING HIM SEX ADVICE, TEACH HIM HOW TO CHILL.”
It’s like there’s a curse on the men. Every time they step up to be macho, they lose what’s important to them. Vorenus loses (and regains, and loses, and…) the respect and love of his family. The harder he tries to be a Roman father, the worse it gets. Lovely nerd boy Octavian grows up and loses his natural compassion, but he does learn to rule, fuck and kill, just like mother wanted – which costs him his only honest relationship, the bond with his sister Octavia. Brutus grits his teeth and tries to do the manly thing, and promptly loses both his mentor and his self-respect. Mark Antony goes off the rails with depressed drunken orgies every time he’s actually in charge. He’s only able to function when someone stronger keeps him in check and gives him fun things to do. Pullo actually murders his second wife when it turns out that she did to him what he did to his first wife – she killed his wife because she wanted Pullo, just like he killed his first wife’s boyfriend. So, she’s not any worse than him, but he only knows one way to respond. He and Vorenus get into countless problems because they always overreact with violence, but they never consider not doing that.
The women cope by pulling threads behind the scenes, by cooperating with each other, by influencing the men to do what they want. Ultimately, they’re powerless, because these fools really do hold all the power, but they never stop trying to carve out a space for themselves. The ruthless, impulsive Atia uses emotional carrots and sticks mercilessly on her teenage children to move them around on the social chessboard and teach them what it is to be a Roman man and a Roman woman, but when she succeeds, it’s obvious that some pieces of their souls have been lost. They in turn (Octavia and Octavian) become separated by their gender differences. Now that they’re adults, little brother Octavian is the head of the family, and he uses them like Atia used to use him, and somehow, it doesn’t feel right even though it’s supposed to.
These things are subplots, not the main plot, but the gender threads run through the entire series, and they make Roman society feel real (even though they get less well treated in season 2 – I don’t feel that either Vorenus or Pullo solved their gender-based character arcs). You pretty much expect that the consequences of gender won’t be taken seriously in historical or fantasy dramas. But in Rome, they are.
This post is amazing and I agree with every single thing in it!
HI TOAST. I am leaving in like an hour to drive to Austin to compete in a powerlifting meet tomorrow! I’m super anxious! Wish me luck, apparently this meet gives out glassware instead of medals so it’s possible I will come home the proud winner of a pilsner glass!
Hope you are driving safely & not reading the notification about my reply on the road.
Good luck! I am super impressed and sure you will quaff many a delightful beverage from your trophy-glass in days to come!
That sounds great! When you said glassware I was picturing the Great British Bake Off’s cake stand. I hope you do great and win a cake stand! (Or pilsner glass!)
Good luck from the home team!!! (As an Austinite, not a lifter. Still, good mojo!!)
I’ve got a job I love, but since it’s in publishing it pays hardly anything. So I’ve been looking into part time copy editing (which I did as a freelancer for a startup when I was last between jobs), but all the gigs I can find on Upwork tend to be, like, “hello i need you to edit my thousand page novel, i will pay you fifty dollars once it hits the nytimes bestseller list”
Any toasts in similar situations? Am I looking in the wrong places?
Oh hi I’m also in publishing and therefore super poor and would love to know the answer to this question!
I’d suggest looking into offering services to self-published offers. Maybe start a services thread at KBoards? You can charge a lot more than at Upwork.
Join the EFA: http://the-efa.org/mem/join.php
Bibliocrunch: https://bibliocrunch.com
disclaimer: I have not used either of these to find freelance work myself.
Ditto, also curious about advice!
Start ghost writing! It pays better than anything else in this industry. It pays much better and is less tedious than copyediting on the side.
How do you get started as a ghost writer?
Contact agents, publishers marketplace profile, make industry friends. Publishing is so so word of mouth, as others have pointed out. I got my first ghosting gig because a college friend was working as an agent’s assistant & they needed someone competent and “cheap,” but low-5 figures seemed like a lot to me at the time. Today, my rates would triple at least for all the work I did. But it was a foot in the door. And really, it takes 8-15 years, but the salaries do get better, compared to being an assistant.
I’m floundering as a freelance writer at present, but an acquaintance put up an ad on Craigslist offering her editorial services and it has turned into a lucrative job for her. My own copywriting ads netted zero response, so perhaps editing is where the action is? Good luck in any event.
And yes, you’re looking in the wrong places. Authors shouldn’t be paying you–it should come from the publisher or an agent. Hit up agents with D-list celebrity clientele. When I was 23 and starting out, I asked for $5,000 to ghost, and the agent laughed at me and doubled it, calling me a bargain. When I was an editor at Very Large Publisher, I used to hire freelancers to write study guides for reissued classics, and that was $400 each. If you’re already working in publishing, just put the word out around the coffee pot, assuming you don’t have a non-compete.
My friend has gifted me with a glorious tweed cloche hat; and I am going to swan around for the entire winter pretending to be Miss Fisher.
Are there photos of this marvel?
PICS
LIFE GOALS
This is the best plan I have heard all day. For any situation.
Toast! My best friend just got engaged! I don’t know yet when/where she’ll be married, but since i like to think ahead, give me your gift suggestions!
The best gifts are the core items on her registry: plates, silverware, glasses, set of pans, etc. I’m saying this as a married person who has discussed this numerous times with friends. If you don’t have enough money to get much, either choose a small piece of the set (like cream and sugar bowls) or see if you can go in with a group of friends. If you want to do something personal, make it small and inexpensive (like a handmade drawing or necklace, or a favorite book) and give the dishes anyway. Don’t give your friend a giant cross stitch that you spent $300 to have framed, or a fancy vase that does not match anything else she owns.
My favorite wedding present I ever gave someone was a potted lemon tree. As an engaged person with a small apartment, stick to the registry. Honestly, if it isn’t on there, I already have it or don’t have room for it.
Also you are supposed to pee on lemon trees to make them grow so it adds a twist.
Board & card & other table top games thread!
I took a new Sunny deck that I made myself to Netrunner night. Also a brain damage deck that turned out to have been based on me misreading a card. Oops. I had fun, though. Having pretty low expectations for my games made it a lot more relaxing. I think I will keep working on the Sunny deck for a bit, and switch to something NBN-ish for Corp. Also I have spent all my Netrunner cards budget for November, and I think I may commit to not buying any cards in December, because then I can send a list of what I don’t have yet to the family members who want to know what I want for Christmas.
Am going to a movie night for Friday the 13th that may include board games, which is nice because I haven’t been playing much but Netrunner lately.
What have you been playing or planning to play, Toastinators?
My partner has been buying lots of the board games he remembers playing as a child, so I imagine this weekend I will be playing lots of 80s games focusing around football or dragons. Not really my cup of tea, but I’m sure we’ll cope!
Can I ask you some questions about Netrunner? I’m thinking of investing in it!
Best of luck with the 80s games!
You can definitely ask me about Netrunner. What do you want to know?
My partner is a very good logical/strategic thinker and I’m very much not. We’ve had a few two player games go out the window because they’re just not fun for me – Letters from Whitechapel, for example. Would Netrunner be good for us?
It definitely has a fair bit of strategy involved. But a lot of the strategy is stuff that you learn as you get more experience playing, rather than stuff you have to puzzle out every game, so that might help?
Also a big chunk of the strategy is in deck building, which you can skip if you want in favour of copying a deck list from the internet. Many deck lists include notes on how to play the deck. But many of the deck lists online require expansions, so this maybe works better if you’re planning to eventually get all the cards. And if you’re only planning to play with your partner, you definitely don’t need all the expansions.
I haven’t played Letters from Whitechapel, but it looks similar in some ways to Scotland Yard, which I played once. I think in Netrunner a lot more of the information you need to choose your actions well is generally in front of you, but there is some information that you don’t have and keeping information secret or making decisions with limited information is definitely an important part of the game. And definitely you tend to have multiple options, and choosing the wrong one can lose you the game. On the bright side, there is an element of luck instead of only strategy, and single games tend to be only 20-30 minutes between players who have been playing long enough to have the basics down.
My guess is that Netrunner may not work for you, but I’m not at all sure of that. If you want to learn more about it before you decide, I’d recommend the Fantasy Flight Games tutorial video, which is a bit long but much clearer than the rulebook. Also if there are people near you who meet up to play Netrunner, then you can ask on their Facebook group or whatever if you can show up to their Netrunner night and borrow cards and learn to play; I think the answer will probably be yes.
Oh, also: the core set is designed so you can put together several different decks without thinking about deckbuilding at all. So you can definitely just use those to start, but if your partner wants to take up deckbuilding then you may have to seek other deck lists. Or just ask your partner to build a pair of decks and tell you what the strategy plan is before you play.
Also also: If it would be helpful to you for your partner to sometimes play a strategic game with people who aren’t you, then Netrunner might be a good choice for that, because in many places it’s pretty easy to find people to play Netrunner against.
This is brilliant, thank you! I really appreciate the insight. I’ll watch the video.
Mysterium has been a big hit. We had some of my sister’s friends from out of town over for dinner and they liked it a lot. It helps that the game is relatively fast, but really challenging.
That’s good to hear! Mysterium does look very cool. Maybe I should give it to my sister for Christmas. I’d probably get to play it then, and I think she’s more of a Dixit fan then I am.
I concur. My game group has played 4 games of Mysterium in the past week, and I just bought it for myself because the current copy belongs to the friend who lives farthest away. It’s so addictive!
Yes, I just got Mysterium and have been enjoying it immensely!! I also like that the most complicated part is the setup, so it’s actually reasonably easy to teach other people.
My friend found a copy of Talisman in the street so we played it. It’s……very much a product of its time. The art is trippy, some of the rules are bizarre, and it took ages to play, but it was quite fun? We had to add extra rules to make it faster.
I wonder how it ended up in the street? It’s cool that it was found by someone who enjoyed it!
The Board Game Geek forums might have some variant rules if you wanted ideas for further changes/speed. Of course, they likely also have a lot of variant rule suggestions that aren’t very good. More usefully, they often have clarifications of rules that are confusing, which might be helpful here?
Thanks, I’ll have to look up some variant rules. Some of the official ones are really bizarre!
I think he found it on a wall – people in my city leave stuff on their garden wall when they don’t want it anymore and don’t want the hassle of ebaying it.
I love Gloom! Beautifully designed Victoriana card game where you win by making your opponents characters happier than yours. It has great prompts for dramatic storytelling if you want, but the cards themselves are fun to just read out.
Mental health and academia advice?
Background:
I’m a science postdoc one year out of grad school. I feel like I’ve been drowning this year — I’ve been absolutely miserable, withdrawing socially, and getting zero work done. My husband still hasn’t found full-time work in the city we moved to for my postdoc, and we haven’t made friends. I am considering a career change, partially because I’m unhappy with my position/want my husband to have a chance at a better job elsewhere, and partially because I’m worried that I’ve fucked up my chances in academia anyway.
But I’ve also started to confront my mental health issues for the first time: I’ve always had low-level anxiety and maybe occasional bouts of depression in the past, but they were always manageable and I never sought professional help. Things this year felt really out of control, so I went to my GP (who is great and I trust) and she started my on Lexapro for major depression this week. I still need to find a therapist/psychologists, which is hard because waiting lists are long here.
Questions:
1) Any advice on starting out with mental health care/finding a therapist? There’s one psychologist who has an appointment available soon, but I didn’t get a great vibe on the phone with her. Also, she seems focused on psychodynamic techniques, which is a little off-putting to me. I generally am pretty introspective and in touch with my emotions/past, and a part of me knows how to deal with my problems. I think what I want is someone to listen to me and help me learn to trust my rational, resilient side again. This sounds more CBT-ish, maybe? Should I go with bad-vibes lady, or wait (possibly months) for an opening with someone else who seems a better fit based on their websites/online reviews (are those meaningful, even?)
2) I’m trying to decide if I actually hate academia, or if depression is making me want to run away. Even if I still love science, would leaving the insecurity/instability/isolation of academia behind be safer for my mental health? Does anyone have relevant experiences? Are there actually other careers that would be healthier?
3) If I do want to salvage my career, how do I go about that? I feel a great impulse to explain my depression to my advisor and say “See, that’s why I’ve been terrible this year! I’ll be better now!” But I also think that could be total self-sabotage. Is it okay to be “out” about mental health issues in academia? I know they’re really common, but it seems to be not very openly discussed.
Okay, that was really long. But I’ve been lurking around open threads for a long time, and you all give really great advice, so I thought I’d give it a shot.
UGH, I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m in a somewhat similar situation in science grad school.
1. Don’t do the bad-vibes lady. I’m currently seeing someone at school (because, hey, free counseling?) and I didn’t get a fantastic vibe the first time but was like, “okay, keep an open mind!” I’ve seen her twice more and it just gets worse and worse. In fact, I declined making another appointment after a pretty terrible session earlier this week. Most of my previous therapy experiences have been good or, at worst, neutral but this one is actively bad. I think CBT is really awesome and definitely works with my sort of science-y brain. Maybe you can get some other resources at your institution to help bridge the gap while you wait for an appointment with someone better to open up? If you’re at a school, they often have counseling and postdoc groups and stuff. NIH definitely has a ton of resources if you’re there. I don’t know much about industry so.. no idea on that.
2. I’m much closer to the beginning of grad school than the end but… I definitely do not want to go into academia for many of the reasons you posted. And, honestly, the freaking work load. I like science but I also like having a life. Yeah, I’ve signed up for stupid-high hour work weeks for the rest of grad school (which… questionable decision on my part!) and I think I’ll be able to get through that but I don’t want my whole life to be like that. So academia doesn’t seem like it’d be a good fit for me at all.
3. I have typically not been *out* about my mental health stuff to folks in my program unless there’s something serious that they need to know (which there hasn’t been). Like general malaise? No, I’m not telling anyone other than my close friends. I don’t necessarily think that’s good because, you’re right, there is a TON of mental health stuff going on in academia and science. Unfortunately, it seems like one of those quasi-arms race situations – I certainly don’t want to be the first person to admit that I’m totally cracking under the pressure and I assume no one else wants to be that person either – even though, when you talk to people one-on-one, we’re all messed up about it.
Basically, I have no idea but also want to know the answers to these questions, too. Good luck.
Thanks for the advice! Good luck to you in grad school. I definitely had my ups and downs, but I got through it and was happy I finished the PhD. I’m in the same boat of wanting — needing, really — work-life balance. I’ve been vaguely hoping I could have an acceptably mediocre science career and happy personal life someday. But that’s probably not possible, and even if it is, I have probably 5-10 years of hell first. Maybe I should bail now?
Thanks for mentioning university health services. As a postdoc, I don’t have full access to university stuff and feel pretty disconnected from campus life, but there’s probably a drop-in or something I could use in the short term. I completely forgot to check there!
I think I generally agree with your approach, but I’ve called in sick to a couple meetings lately because of panic attacks/inability to get out of bed. I’m worried they aren’t buying the vague “not feeling well” thing anymore and it’s starting to look like I’m unreliable or lazy (which is the opposite of healthy me!) I also had a really, really great relationship with my PhD advisor, and I’ve ghosted on him and a project we were working on, so I’m wondering how to mend that.
Hi there! I’m an end-stage science grad student (gonna defend in the summer, fingers crossed) who’s dealt with a lot of anxiety/depression related to academia and being in the lab.
First of all- this is all not your fault. You may know that intellectually, but it often helps to hear it said by someone else. Your brain chemistry is a bit out of whack, and it’s making it difficult for you to do what you want to, and that’s not at all on you.
Second of all, I’m glad you’re on medication now and are looking for counseling. The two in combination are really the best way to deal with this, but the meds will make it easier for you to find a therapist you like. My thoughts are not to go with bad-vibes lady. My first therapist helped, but we never really gelled and I was almost relieved when we mutually agreed I could step away for a while. The one I’m seeing now I already feel much better about after only two sessions, and I’m glad I made the switch.
Regarding staying in/leaving science and the being “out” in academia bits, that’s a long discussion and I would be very happy to talk about it with you off-thread, if you’d like. Let me know if you’d like my email address, and I’d be glad to talk about my experiences with you.
I’m in my last year of engineering grad school (also hopefully defending late summer!) and I have also been dealing with these issues. I would love to be part of this discussion or have a separate one with one or both of you. You can email me at my toast name at gmail.
You can reach me at a similar address (username at gmail). I’m always up for talking about this stuff with others who are in similar situations. Hopefully it means we can eventually be more public about it and it’ll stop being something we need to hide from others.
Hey, thanks for the comments. I would love to chat more — I’ll send you both an email soon. 🙂
You might have thought about this already, but where I’m leaning now is trying to have a research career outside of academia. There are a lot of options to do research in industry or government labs.
As far as being “out’ to your advisor, I think that really depends on their personality. It might help if you could find a faculty member other than your advisor to talk to – that’s what I did, because I don’t really have personal conversations with my advisor.
Thanks for the advice! I’ve definitely been thinking about how to find something science-ish to do. Unfortunately, my field doesn’t overlap with industry much and government lab-based and university-based groups are pretty entwined in terms of culture, hiring, and research. So, unless I go the academic route, I have to give up on my subfield. :-/ But I’m sure there are ways to use my skills. Data science might be a decent fit (I do lots of coding/modeling). Another option is something like science education/outreach, science writing, or even science policy, which sound really fulfilling, but I’m not sure where to start for those. Lots to think about!
Yeah, I’ve been thinking about getting in touch with a professor from grad school. She wasn’t my advisor, but was in my field and always had great advice. I’ve just been nervous to reach out now that I’m at a different university. It seems a little weird, but I know/trust her a lot more than anyone at my current institution.
Oh I see. I’m trying to imagine what your subfield could be now 🙂 I’m also really interested in science policy. I’ve found some cool fellowships for that, but they all require that you’ve already defended before you apply, so for me that would mean finding a different short-term position to fill in the gap.
I’m thinking about doing a postdoc but I’ve seen people have pretty terrible experiences with those, even in my own group. It seems incredibly important to find the right group and PI to work with. Even then it might not work out well.
Hi,
I’m a baby grad student who is going through basically this exact thing right now. I just met with both a psychologist AND a psychiatrist for the first time, and was also just started with lexapro and am learning how to adjust. I would advise against bad-vibes lady. I’ve tried to stick with a counselor in this type of situation before and it didn’t help. I also felt like I was wasting his time and he knew it and this made a lot of pent-up feelings worse. I had doubts about trying again, but I was also a bit scared not to; the new woman I’m working with is really great (but tough) and best of all I think is actually helping.
In terms of finding someone – I had to schedule an intake appointment/fill out a questionnaire through my university, which I think matched me with someone based on what I was experiencing. It felt weird and it was hard to be honest, but it’s been more helpful for me than reading through online reviews was.
About the academia issues: I just have the same questions. I don’t know who/if to tell, and so I’ve just been spinning my wheels on that…
Hey, good luck to you! At least we’re not alone! It seems like everyone’s saying to more or less trust my instincts, so I’ll probably keep looking. I found one clinic that looks pretty good overall, and also gives you an introductory appointment with their senior psychologist, who will help you choose a therapist. This might be a good way to do things, so maybe I’ll give them a call.
all my empathy and best wishes. I’m a candidate in the humanities in the midwest, so grain of salt.
1) I am not remotely introspective (I hate it and am never rid of the fear that I will uncover something that is somehow unfixable and unlovable while digging around). That said, I’ve found a therapist by asking peers for recs (always kind of dicey on several levels) who mostly counsels grad students and focuses on that kind of exploration, and that is going well. That saves me have to explain all the benchmarks and work related stress, which is great. I sometimes wish for someone closer to a CBT since I am also trying to change bad habits and develop more positive coping ones. I started at the uni’s counseling service but definitely had to go outside their system for someone who could help me long term–our counseling center is way to small relative to the student body. I would say that if you really feel the need for therapy starting soon, it might be worth trying one in person visit to see how it goes, presuming you can afford it.
2). ?? I still don’t know the best way to answer to this question for yourself. It took me being in and out of academia in multiple towns to decide that my depression and anxiety aren’t just a by-product of the grad school life, and that I really do need medication to stay stable and happy.
3) in my experience totally depends on the advisor and the department. I finally landed a situation where people are pretty supportive (if not super open). FWIW, I have initiated a number of conversations with peers and I actually know very few people who are not in treatment of some kind, or considering it. I still never have a very good idea of when I need to/can divulge it and when not. Possibly worth seeing what resources your institution has for disability for general support and to help you decide when/how to report it. (I have not done so, but keep it as a back pocket option).
Science postdoc here who had a bad depression year where I didn’t get anything done and was generally just a mess. My advisor was basically like “uhh I don’t want to know the details but maybe you should get help” so I went on an antidepressant and took up yoga (ugh I know but it works for me). It’s now a couple of years later, my project recovered & we are submitting a paper to Science soon! (It almost certainly won’t actually get INTO Science but the fact that we are even giving it a shot is still exciting). So it is possible to come back from a very bad year in academia FWIW. Not that you should feel like you have to stick it out! But all hope is not lost.
1) I would wait for a better fit but if you need immediate care and want to try bad-vibes lady… just remember that you can walk away? You can stop seeing her, and as long as you paid the bill for that, you owe her no further contact or explanations. I had to completely cut off a therapist I’d been seeing for some time because she tried an activity with me that took me somewhere I did not want to go and set back my recovery (turns out the line between “guided meditation” and “hypnosis” can get awfully thin!) and had some guilt over that for a long time. But you know what? If a medical professional is not helpful for your recovery, it is totally fine to bail with no more contact. Do not feel bad if you do it.
So, the therapist (the bad-vibe lady) isn’t affiliated with the university where you’re doing your postdoc, right? Does your school have any resources, like a counseling center? They may be overworked and not geared toward longer-term work, bu they might also have an up-to-date referral list. Also, whenever friends talk about seeing a therapist I always give them my little “a good fit is important, and no one’s feelings will be hurt if you meet them once and decide it isn’t important. They’re professionals and value a good fit as much as you should” speech.
ok, so I was in the arts as a graduate students so things are different. but. my advisor straight-up told me that she thought it would be beneficial if I addressed my anxiety directly and recommended a therapist affiliated with student health. we never spoke about it again until after I graduated, but it was so comforting to know that she had my back about this.
regarding finding a therapist… every time I have been in therapy, I have had to essentially shop around until I found someone whose logic made sense to me and who made me feel comfortable instead of either (a) defensive, or (b) like a total basket case. it took speaking with/meeting with a few different therapists each time.
I don’t know if this helps. but! I am here sending clarity-waves your way. <3 <3 <3
I see that you’ve gotten some really great responses from other grad students, but as an admin in higher ed, I just wanted to jump in regarding the last point.
Were we to live in a perfect world, you would be able to go to your advisor and tell them about this and you would get the support you need and all would be well and good.
Of course, we do not live in a perfect world. At the university where I am employed, I think the sciences have the hardest time discussing their mental health status with faculty and advisors. If you feel like the work you are doing is really being affected by your struggles, I would suggest starting with someone in your graduate student services office. Not only can they recommend therapists (I side with the other commenters on this- if you have a bad feeling about a therapist, stay away!) but they are also best equipped to help you figure out a way to discuss your issues with your advisor- and they will be great advocates for you if you think your advisor isn’t taking your concerns seriously.
Good luck! Mental health & academia is really really hard- you should know that you are not alone! And we admin wonks are here to support you!
I’m in the humanities, and went through a very similar experience late in my grad school career. Full disclosure, I work in a very different job now and also bailed on adjuncting, so I am now very much not in academic world.
1) It sounds like there was enough of a negative reaction here to prompt looking for someone else. That being said, is there any drawback to doing one trial session, and then if it still isn’t a good fit, definitely pursuing another person? If you are truly on the fence, this could confirm your initial intuition.
2) My advice to my previous students (and to myself) is that you don’t have to be in academia in order to do (fill in the blank here). I think we tend to believe academia is somehow the best or purest or most direct route to studying these fields and after years of academia …. I’m not so sure. I think it is worth experimenting with how you can do science in other ways (and that those ways can be very much outside the box).
3) in my personal situation, which is obviously not applicable to everyone obviously, is that I came clean to my advisor about having depression issue. For me, it was a great decision, but it isn’t going to be for everyone, depending on the sorts of factors folks have been mentioning. In my particular case, being open actually led to a lot of productive change both in my own work and my relationship with my advisor. My advisor actually had a reason for what he could tell was a change in my work, and I had real space to work on things (without having to stress about trying to keep up my worn and conceal the depression). For me it worked bc my advisor was super understanding and immediately supportive, and we had a candid enough relationship I felt relatively comfortable being open about. This is not to say it was easy though…. Telling my advisor was one of my last lines of defense when things were pretty bad, but it so happened to work out that it helped things considerably.
I don’t know how helpful any of that is! I’m happy to talk more if that is helpful. Feel free to DM at Twitter if you like. I use the same name there as well.
This has been a roller coaster week. Scrolling through the comments, I am somehow comforted that it appears to Not Just Be Me.
+ My house has been on the market, and last night I got an offer, which I accepted, so: YAY!
– Found out my 15-years old dog might have Addison’s disease, but I’ll need to spend like $1600 to find out for sure: BOOO.
??? Somehow ended up making a date, which was rescheduled and eventually canceled, with… a 22-year old dude I met online? I don’t even know. That one’s just weird.
(I think I mainly wanted to see what kind of 22-year old wants to go on a date with a lady who is pushing 40. And now we might never know, because, meh, I don’t really care that much.)
Thinking of you and your doggie.
Thank you. So far she’s not sick, so, you know, it’s just me weeping a lot at inopportune moments.
Want to help me through this frustrating waiting period by speculating on when my baby will be born? Due date is 11/18, second kid (first was 6 days late).
Also, anyone have any second labor stories? Was it better or worse than the first?
BETTER! Second was a magic carpet ride compared to the first.
Okay – speculation first. My first was 8 days late, and my second was 14 days early. (Note, if my second had been 15 days early, his bday would be 1/1/00, but noooooo, my labor on 1/1 was slow and they made me go home.) So, basically, I think you’re having this kid tomorrow morning, so fear not, your frustrating waiting period is almost over!
Both my labors were at hospitals, with epidurals. First one had weird intervention stuff and I felt a little lost & insecure, and there were people everywhere and only my labor nurse cared about my actual life. (Clearly not true. Perception>reality!) To compensate, Kid 1 came out, latched on immediately, became the perfectly easy to live with human he’s been for 20 years now.
Labor 2, helped by the fact that my family was out of town & it was just me & spouse in there w/ the medical folk, was way calmer. (I wanted my parents around for Kid 1, but it complicated things,) Also, I knew things about my body & labor. I knew when they wanted to give me Pitocin (my body’s not super good at the actual laboring part of birth), that I would react fast and hard and painful & therefore need the epidural first. I knew the non-epidural meds, the IV ones, were a total bitch on my system & would make me crazy high and loopy and weren’t worth it. DH caught him, which Labor 1’s doctor didn’t accommodate for us. And I knew the night before that I’d have a baby the next day, which is comfort for a control freak like me. (That first one being late AND going into labor two days before I was set to be induced really messed with my anxious head.) I called my brother-in-law to tell him his nephew was going to share his birthday. I called my uncle to get him to pick my parents up from the airport. I called work to tell them what to do while I was out. I HAD CONTROL. It rocked.
To compensate for all this delightful control, Kid 2 came out mad as hell & rejected food, comfort, rest, and sanity for the next two weeks, becoming the delightful puzzle I’ve not been able to solve for the next 15 years.
tldr; 2nd labor thumbs up, as you’ll find out soon.
Toasts, I am in the thick of life–two small kids, two jobs (one apiece), two animals, etc etc (at least we don’t have a mortgage right now!)–and i’m struggling to figure out how to enjoy the next handful of years rather than just grit my teeth and get through them when I literally do not have half an hour a day for self-care. Maybe half an hour a week.
Help me.
First things first. Find a half an hour a day for self care. Or an hour a week to start. Otherwise everyone and everything suffers. I am in a similar boat and basically my partner and I have realized that we will divorce/make awful decisions/parent poorly unless a. he gets gym time and b. I get drinking time. Alone from everyone else time, basically. You need to build it into your life. Some days/weeks it isn’t possible, but you have to make it a priority!
Yes, this! You are important. If there’s any way you can relax standards or throw money at chores to make life easier for yourself, do it. You can’t keep running on empty.
As dumb as the advice in magazines can sound, it offers a starting point. When the phone rings, take a long, deep breath before answering. If you like tea, make a point to pay attention and enjoy a cup when you’re drinking it. See if you like coloring or Zentangle-style drawing–just ten minutes of that can really shift your focus off *everything* and into the present. I hope it gets better.
Well, I don’t know if this helps, but I’ll offer it. My husband and I decided before we had kids that EVERYONE in our family was going to have to make sacrifices for everyone else. This is useful to me because when I am fighting between “should I be a good mom and make a thanksgiving turkey out of paper mache with my child, or should I take care of myself and take a shower and make a pot of coffee?” I can confidently choose the latter. He will have his whole life for enriching activities and right now he is just going to watch cartoons for 30 minutes while I lay on the bed and read the Toast. Likewise, sometimes we suffer with a messy house because mom and dad were too tired to do the dishes, but that is just part of living with jobs and kids and acknowledging that takes some of the stress away. We are always trying to figure out how to do better, but it really helps to be prepared.
Also, there are usually more ways to say, “No” than you think. Like, saying no to social events, to helping friends, to unimportant chores like washing the car, to answering the phone, to popular TV shows, to cooking, to church, to kids’ extracurricular activities, to sending holiday cards. I mean those can be life-affirming or life sucking, and you have to be willing to acknowledge how they affect you today.
This is brilliant and beautiful. I want every parent everywhere to read it.
Paper plates. Convenience food. Shortcuts, shortcuts, shortcuts.
And take that half-hour. Cling to that half-hour. Don’t be all “it’s only half an hour once a week, what even is the point when I need so much more?” – that half an hour is vital, and also an entree to the next found half-hour and the ten minutes you grab to walk outside and the eventual realization that you can throw every third bedtime entirely on partner’s head and watch a movie.
Yes, there will be teeth-gritting. Plenty of it. But make your kids listen to your favorite music in the car (i.e., find ways to incorporate YOU in the everyday, don’t cater to everyone else’s interests), and don’t hold yourself or your partner to very high standards – certainly don’t re-load the dishwasher because it wasn’t done right (not that I’m speaking from experience).
If you drown, everyone goes down with you. Take care of yourself. Keep that half hour and find ways to eek out more. First, figure out the best types of quality recharge, then plan around making those happen for you and your partner both together and separately. Then look at what might be changed out in your current life – could chores be redistributed or some of them handed over to willing family members or hired out, are there simpler meal possibilities, are there time-saving planning that would mean on-the-fly stuff that takes more time could be eliminated, etc?
I have a small child and a chronic illness that cuts into my general ability and energy and capacity, and I have had to make tough choices initially about how to make it work, but you get there. It’s a skill and it takes practice and as your kids change, you have to learn it all over again. But you can.
Oh, and in the midst of trying to find sanity time, don’t forget taking care of the real basics. I was really suffering for a while, since i was giving up sleep for mental recharge time and self-care, and it bit me on the ass big-time. Our relationship suffered too, until we actually started talking about it. It’s a moving target, but not an impossible one.
I’ve been applying for jobs since June, pretty much with no luck (although there was a lot of bar studying in there for a while, too). But! I had two interviews this week that actually went relatively well, and I think I have a good chance with one or both of them (knock on wood). So any finger-crossing, well wishes, good vibes from the universe, etc. would be appreciated! Job hunting is my personal hell.
Good luck!!!!
I’ve been job hunting since July as well, but so far frustratingly little happened. I had one interview, but in the end didn’t get it, and nothing has happened since then. So… I feel you!
I hope you get one or both of the jobs and that the one you’ll take is going to be filled with nice colleagues and decent cafeteria food.
Hi the Toast, it is Friday and I am so mentally and physically ready to go home and crawl into my beautiful bed. I have leftovers so I don’t have to cook. Thank goodness.
I bought tickets to go to Tokyo in April! My wallet still emits a scream whenever I open it, but I’m glad I got the tickets so I can just look forward to it now. I’ll be visiting my brother, and my parents are coming too, and we’ll be there for my birthday, which is the first birthday I’ve had with my family in half a decade. I’ll probably poll you closer to the date, but any Tokyo/Japan suggestions? It will be my third time!
Well, they’re closing down the fish market at Tsukiji, so maybe see that while you still can?
ETA: How could I forget?!? My FAVORITE museums in all of Tokyo, the Nihon Mingeikan (Japan Folk Arts Museum) (http://www.mingeikan.or.jp/english/) and the Edo-Tokyo Tatemono-en (Edo-Tokyo Open-Air Architectural Museum) (http://tatemonoen.jp/english/)!!! Sorry for too lazy to make html links…
Oh my gosh the Mingeikan looks amazing! My brother isn’t a big museum guy, so I haven’t been to many in Tokyo, but my dad is a big fan of Japanese pottery and my mom is always down for museums. Bookmarking this!
Hormunyaki restaurant, if you are an adventurous eater! When I was there I also hiked up Mt. Takao, a sacred mountain near Tokyo. That was my favorite part of the trip.
Hiking sounds amazing. Did you need a car to get to Mt. Takao, or were there trains?
There are trains–it’s really easy to get there. I’d also recommend Yanaka, a neighborhood in Tokyo with lots of roaming cats and beautiful cemeteries.
So I ran into this old time curry interview about rocky horror and it’s just sort of depressing how neither of them IN 1975 think the subject matter is anything worth commenting about, just absolutely casual about it.
Ok ok I know that “time curry” is just a typo but I cannot stop envisaging a sort of mystical, time-travelling spicy Indian dish.
Yo! Has anyone had surgery to repair a torn rotator cuff?? My dad needs to go under the knife and we have no idea what to expect. Also anyone have good activities I can get for him to do while he’s recovering?
My mom had it done ~10 years ago*. Parents bought some kind of lazy-boy because it was much easier/more comfortable for her to sleep semi-upright with her giant foam immobilizer.
*Right before Thanksgiving and her surgery went well but she was high as a kite most of the week and made terrible decisions and I slept not a wink which resulted in a week so sleep-deprived and emotionally strained that the highlight of that holiday was when our Thanksgiving host’s dog caught on fire (it was very poofy and completely fine, just confused about being chased/whapped with a tea towel).
Thanks! My dad is a very dad dad and as such he refuses to ask his doctor any questions and seems to think he’ll spend a week at home doing paperwork and then be back at his (physically demanding) job. It’s helpful to hear from someone who isn’t delusional!
Your dad might be too optimistic. My dad (also a dad dad) was surprised at how much it hurt. He had about a week of full pain med use. The pain improved quickly, but range of motion was limited for several months. Physical therapy helps so much, but it does hurt, esp in the beginning. Not like, having your toenails pulled out pain, but more than my least favorite medical term “discomfort.” My dad did have the complication of a non-reparable bicep tear, too.
And my parents also bought a lazy-boy recliner–one with an electric lift for clambering in and out. This gave my dad a lot more freedom when my mom had to return to work.
Wishing your dad a speedy recovery!
Thank you!! I KNOW he’s being unrealistic so it’s nice to have backup. I hadn’t thought about pt, I’ll for sure make sure he’s got that on the agenda!
We bought him the Shield series to watch. He had planned a lot of projects, but it was a lot of netflix and physical therapy.
Okay, this is a quick-and-dirty update because I should probably be doing other things like building my presentation for GIS day next week, and knitting a pair of baby booties for the last chance band director present (this is already our second post-season game tonight, I do not foresee our high school going to states, and my kid really wants to give his teacher this silly hat. Also, hey, why is the comment box only one line high? This is really annoying.
I met with a new counselor this week and it went really well, so yay. I also went to the minute clinic because I can’t even afford obamacare (ohio) and I finally figured out that I’ve had fevers since before halloween because of a bladder infection. Doc says kidneys aren’t involved but I think she’s wrong. I’m done with the cipro but still my back hurts like crazy and have only half my brain back.
I’m still super broke and no new job offers, I hope to get some leads next week at GIS day.
High schooler likes to talk to mom and get conversational at 1 am. Middle schooler just grew out of 2 kitchen garbage bags full of clothes and (while I was making her try on all the pants), looked at her legs and said, “when can I start shaving?” College boy’s girlfriend found his passport (yay! she’s awesome), and college boy then got in a fight with her over thanksgiving. Her mom is demanding my kid apologize or not be at thanksgiving, and son 1. doesn’t care but girlfriends wants him there 2. doesn’t think he should apologize because he swore at the gf’s mom while gf’s mom was threatening gf with police and being really abusive and withholding gf’s laptop/etc. This is ok because my kid, who doesn’t communicate and often hurts my feelings by choosing his dad’s house, still needed me last night. He called and I helped him through the “suck it up and apologize but explain that in any fight you are going to choose the girlfriend over the mom because the mom is attacking the woman you love” speech.
Anyway, please tell me the cipro worked and I am not still sick. Because I don’t get paid time off, don’t have insurance, don’t have a doctor, and the last time I had a kidney infection it was during a miscarriage and d&c and I nearly died. So, flashbacks suck, and I need to be over them.
Thanks for listening to my whining. This text box is –hey, adjustable! ok, so it took me a while to figure that out.
Toasties, my novel THE DAUGHTERS is a finalist for the PEN Southwest book award and I am SO EXCITED and I wanted to share this news with lovely Toast friends. Also, I previously forgot to come back here & mention that way back when I shared a few of my Bay Area readings on an Open Thread, a TOASTIE (hi Katie!) ACTUALLY CAME and we jumped up and down and laughed with joy together.
Congratulations! That’s amazing news!
CONGRATS!!!!
That is completely awesome!! Congratulations! 😀
THANKS GUYS! xoxoxo
BRAVO! Way to go. That’s delightful & well-earned.
And hey, a friend of ours is nominated for nonfic, so now I have two people to root for!
HI ADRIENNE! It’s suuuuuper late but I am seeing this, I promise!
You guys!! I really need you to b*tch with me about how awful the song “Take your time” is. Don’t actually watch the video, you will be agree for a whole slew of other reasons. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXi6IHFHeIA
On the other hand, Alessia Cara seems to have answered it with “Here” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKp2CrfmVfw
oh my god, /I hate “Take Your Time”/. It is (to me) the epitome of “oh, I just want you to pay attention to me, if you’re really a /nice girl/ you’ll sit here and let me talk at you”. The signer may be a perfectly nice person buuuuuut his whole “if I’m pointing out how much of a jerk I’m being you can’t call me on it!” move is atrocious. BOOOO
Because, you know, TIME ISN’T IMPORTANT AT ALL. Fuck any dude who thinks “just” taking someone’s time is “just” anything. I made the mistake of watching the video and now I want a shower. OH GOD WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Hell yeah on that Alessia Cara song, though. First time I heard that on the radio I was like “What is this magical beauty???”
You guys!! I really need you to b*tch with me about how awful the song “Take your time” is. Don’t actually watch the video, you will be agree for a whole slew of other reasons. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXi6IHFHeIA
I promise not to watch the video, but I also would like to extend the terrible to that atrocious pop song whose catchphrase is “let’s marvin gaye and get it on” because it makes me want to throw things every time I hear it.
In the middle of a never-ending job hunt (unemployed for 3 months now and no leads whatsoever). Working on building a personal portfolio site, any tips or guides?
a wordpress.com account is free and these days, there are a good selection of free themes with built-in portfolio post types. i used the sketch theme, and while i had to redo my portfolio section [used to be a page with a lot of code] in their new post style, it only took a day or 2, and it’s nice & clean!
looks like I got a new weekend… week.. okay monthlong project. Setting my goal here, get this thing up and running by Dec. 1st!
BUY YOUR OWN DOMAIN NAME, preferably one that’s your own name. You can even point it to a wordpress.com account, I think. But people will be more apt to take you seriously if your url is yourname.com than if it’s yourname.wordpress.com.
Choose your best work.
Make sure you have a list of ways to contact you, should someone want to hire you.
http://99u.com/articles/7127/6-steps-to-creating-…
Toasties! I am an obstetrician gynecologist and also queer, and I am going to give a grand rounds presentation to my department in a few weeks about LGBT cultural competency in ob/gyn. And I need your help / thoughts! I am in an area that is east coast, predominantly upper class / upper middle class academic white liberals, and the people I work with truly believe that they are doing a better job at taking care of sexual and gender minority communities than they are. I need some anonymous anecdotes with which to pepper my talk that will shed light on the way we physicians esp in ob/gyn do wrong by our LGBT patients. Or if you have a good anecdote of your doctor doing it right, that is super welcome, too. HELP.
It’s such a small and obvious thing, but I had one doctor (a new primary care physician) simply ask “do you have sex with men, women, or both?” and “in the past, have you had sex with men?” instead of just asking “are you sexually active?” and it meant a lot to me. I’ve had doctors who just ask if I’m sexually active and then what kind of BC I’m on and it just…never crosses their mind that I might not require BC. The burden shouldn’t be on the patient to bring up being queer, and it’s important that these questions be framed in a manner in which all answers are equally valid and acceptable.
Strongly agree. Once I went in to talk to a new doctor about significant weight gain on Zoloft (so I was already kind of upset going into it) and in the medical history part of the appointment at the beginning I was asked if I was sexually active (yes) and on BC (no). The doctor then started insisting we couldn’t continue without getting a pregnancy test because the weight gain could be due to pregnancy, despite my insistence that I couldn’t possibly be pregnant. The back and forth went on (for what felt like) forever before I finally outed myself. It really kind of derailed the appointment and I never went back to that doctor because every part of that (LGBTQ insensitivity, shame about weight gain, side affects of anti-depressants) was so uncomfortable to talk about.
I don’t want to detract from your point in any way with regard to LGBTQ insensitivity, but I want to express my ongoing fury that every doctor seems to think that any mysterious medical issue automatically must be due to pregnancy. You can swear up and down that you are not pregnant, but they have some fundamental disbelief that you couldn’t possibly know what is going on with your own body.
I think part of why they’re so insistent is the malpractice issues they could face if you were pregnant and their treatment ended up causing complications/birth defects. That said, I really wish they would either trust patients to know whether they’ve engaged in activities that could lead to pregnancy, or, if they think the patient might not know whether they’ve done something recently that could lead to pregnancy (say, for example, a teenager with abstinence-only sex education), ask specific questions other than “are you sure? but are you really sure? definitely, though?”
Like, I was in the hospital recently for a broken arm, and I got asked about twelve different times whether I had hit my head. I will concede that, if I had actually sustained a head injury, I might not be the most reliable witness as to whether I’d sustained a head injury, but in that case, just go ahead & do the exam.
Yes, to that! Also I used to go to a clinic that had a place to indicate your preferred pronoun on the intake form.
I am not an LGBTQ person, but I recently got my annual exam at PP and was so pleasantly surprised by the inclusiveness of their intake form.
Also- I remember the nurse practitioner at that clinic asking about my sexual history in a non-binary way but I can’t remember her phrasing for the life of me. Like instead of asking if I have sex with men she asked if I had been having sex that could have resulted in pregnancy? Or asking if I used condoms when having sex with people who had penises? Something like that, only it was less awkward! (eta-not that being trans-inclusive is awkward, she phased it better and my brain just isn’t working today)
I want this at my clinic! Trans inclusion is a hugely ignored issue at so many clinics.
I identified as lesbian during my first pregnancy, and didn’t appreciate kegel instructions that included “Squeeze your vaginal walls like you would around your husband’s penis ”
I did, however, get an enormous kick out of the prenatal class instructions for perineum massage that were basically Fisting 101.
Yeah, I would have taken on my true form as a Fury at that point. NO.
Ew to the first, awesome to the second. Haha.
Thanks all for your replies! This is SO useful, both the good and the bad examples. My talk is next Friday, so I shall report back to you all in the next open thread. Keep your fingers crossed for me. <3
Small thing that means a lot to me: “people who can get pregnant” instead of “women”.
Hey Toasts, I still haven’t found a place to live, or a way to make a place to live feasible. Not enough monthly earnings to pass the sniff test with realtors, and I’m being shut out of room rentals because the only work I have is writing, which means I’ll actually be in the house or apartment until I find another job. Craigslist has been a series of dead ends, and I haven’t found any other lists to join save a few on Facebook. Hopefully this all lands in a good place, but the longer I’ve gone with no progress (it’s been over a year and a half) it’s hard to believe, and of course it feels pretty squicky to live where you’re not wanted. However, tomorrow I’m going to try and find a pomegranate and or persimmon, to feel the fallness, and it’s always helpful to have a mission.
Jesus God, Toast, I have been up since FOUR O’CLOCK THIS MORNING and flew to Newark and then to Toronto and then I waited for my shuttle bus and then I drove 2 hours home, this is after I drove (two hours) to Toronto on Tuesday night and then got up at 4am Wednesday as well and flew to Chicago and then flew to my final destination, and yesterday I spent fourteen hours dealing with clients and stuff and then I wound up the night with a terrific panic attack and got about three hours of sleep so WOOOOO I AM SO FUCKING EXHAUSTED. But. But!!!! I’m glad to be home. I’m going to take a really long shower, it’ll be fantastic. I brought back peanut butter Oreos that I can’t get here in Canada. Things are OK.
I hope you wake up tomorrow after a looooong sleep in a bed full of delicious Oreo crumbs!
Holy crap, welcome home, bb.
I am bursting with love for my job and my kids today. I have a massive pile of paperwork to deal with and keep getting interrupted by flirty babies who want to play peekaboo with me at the puppet theater and older preschoolers who need books on VERY SPECIFIC things. I just found pictures of basking sharks in four different books for this one little guy, and I think he might be in love with me now. PLUS, several of my storytime regulars now sing our opening song at home and ask to come to the library ever day.
This was a bit of a crap week, but, man, this day is making up for it.
Hello, Toasties! I emerge from lurkdom to send you warm wishes on a chilly November evening. Thank you all for being so lovely and pragmatic and humourous. (Yes, you, dear reader. You’re fantastic.) I look forward to being a more active part of this cosy corner of the internets.
About me: from the U.S. (allllll over the U.S. — military kid), living in Rochester, working as national ops manager in a non-profit in London, volunteering for another U.K. non-profit I founded four years ago. Have a recent PhD in Sonic Arts (not as arcane as it sounds), two adopted greyhounds, and a man-spouse. Like lots of things but mainly tea, novels, and making stuff.
Question for open thread: What shall I crochet my friends & families for the winter? Have you seen any nifty crochet patterns recently?
Please send me some because I am on my third beanie hat and can’t endure a fourth right now.
You sound absolutely lovely!
Do you partake of the rabbit hole which is Ravelry? So many patterns, so little time. Also, tea/novels/making stuff is teh best.
Military brats represent
Snowflakes (I love crocheted snowflakes), Universal Yarn published a free (? maybe) batch of snowflake patterns like last week? Like this: http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/snowflake…
Wait, that snowflake is a knitting pattern. (I love and admire fiber artists, but it’s not my medium.)
Ornaments*? http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/rustic-ch…
*The designer is a good friend, so I am biased.
Podcast thread? Okay, yup, Podcast Thread!
This American Life- The one with the guy writing letters from “the Angels” to lonely people. Maybe the saddest and most infuriating listen I’ve had in quite a while. The guy served a long jail sentence but still has such a horrible attitude about how he took so much money and emotionally hurt these people it’s just a ridiculous story.
With Special Guest Lauren Lapkus – Gino the CBB Intern! Twacy Weardon! I’ve only made it about thirty minutes into this one, but it’s absolutely hilarious and great to finally get another episode with Tracy because she’s one of Lapkus’s best characters.
What have you fellow Toast folk been listening to lately?
I’ve had to cut back my podcast listening, so I’m down to BBC Radio 4 podcast (right now News Quiz, will change soon) which is funny and light, and also No Such Thing As A Fish, with the QI elves, packed with useless trivia
Lime Town! Fictional story about a NPR reporter following a story of a town that had some mysterious incident and disappeared. Some of the actors over-act their characters a little bit for the realism tone the podcast is going for, but overall it’s good.
It’s only about 3 or so episodes in so far so easy to catch up on at this point.
It’s great!
yes! I started listening to it while walking home at night and it’s SO SPOOKY.
Someone here suggested I Don’t Even Own A Television a few months ago, and I love it so much I’ve almost finished listening to the backlist. It makes fun of bad books, and is good/sensitive about unpacking racism/sexism. It also has catchy jingles for various segments, and I often have the theme song running through my head.
I think I saw the same suggestion and am doing the same thing.
EVERYthing from Radiotopia. Love & Radio, Everything is Stories, Kitchen Sisters, Allusionist, Song Exploder, 99% invisible, Strangers … they are all so good.
I’ve also been enjoying the Gimlet shows, which for now are just StartUp and Reply All and Mystery Show.
I like my NPR / Public Radio spinoffs: TAL, Fresh Air, Planet Money, Invisibilia, Serial, RadioLab, Death Sex & Money, The Moth.
And the indies: Welcome to Macintosh [about Macs], Uhh Yeah Dude, The Smartest Man in the World [by Greg Proops].
As you might be able to tell, I can’t work without podcasts on.
I want more Mystery Show. They gave us a few and then were like “OK that’s enough for now…” I’m sure it takes forever to make them but 🙁
I’ve been catching up on back episodes of The Read, because it is cathartic to hear the hosts yelling at people. Crissle had a rant about the MTA a few weeks ago and I almost legit fist-pumped going “YES YOU TELL THEM.”
Also making my way through Undisclosed, which is the non-NPR-affiliated Serial followup podcast run by a group of lawyers (including Rabia Chaudry, Adnan’s family friend who was featured on Serial several times). It’s a bit dry at points, but they are making a really compelling case for his not having done it, which is something I was still genuinely unsure about after finishing Serial.
Also, for Hamilton toasts, may I recommend a fairly new podcast called Tuner? Each episode basically breaks down a song and explains why it is popular/catchy/appealing from a music theory perspective, but in a way that is straightforward enough for non-composers to follow. Last week’s episode focused on “My Shot.” (Full disclosure: I know both of the hosts from high school, and they are great people.)
I really loved that episode of This American Life. It’s such a weird and interesting story.
I flew through the Black Tapes (and hope there’s more soon?). I’m regularly listening to Lime Town, Criminal, Lore, Stuff You Should Know and the X-Files Files.
Just started listening to Mystery Show and it’s really a wonderful one. The Belt Buckle episode really reminded me of the Radiolab about Joy. It made me very warm and fuzzy towards humans. I would be absolutely fine if the rest of Mystery Show is just Starlee acting like a gumshoe Amelie, bringing the good times and nostalgia back to people.
My best friend (who got married in September) just told me she’s pregnant. I’m thrilled for her, obviously, but still. I’m from the South, so there’s a lot of societal pressure to GET MARRIED AND HAVE BABIES. My mom has been fairly cool thus far about my singleness and childlessness, but she’s made it clear that she wants grandkids and thinks that childless people are selfish (right now, it’s just the occasional comment. Nothing serious yet.). As some one who is in zero hurry to abandon my carefree lifestyle, but still has angst about this, I dunno what to do! Any tips, Toasties?
Maybe this is overly obvious, but my tip is to try to remember that you and your best friend and your mom and The South are all separate entities and there is only one of them that you have any control over.
What you want and do and decide is up to no one but you! 🙂
No, you’re quite right! It’s good to remember. Like I said, I love my life and the decisions I’ve made, it’s just that I feel like I’m missing an adulthood milestone or something. Maybe I’m just worried too much about what people think. I promise I don’t spend a lot of emotional energy on this, it just hit me like a ton of bricks today.
You are not alone! I think everyone feels it, pretty much regardless of where they live and what their family is like.
But here is some advice I wish I could have given myself 10 years ago: Don’t make marriage a goal—especially not the central goal of your 20s/30s. There are a lot of days when I wish I could be carefree and single and independent again, responsible for no one but myself. (And I say that from within a happy, supportive marriage.)
Use protection! Every time! Until you decide that you’re really, really ready to have kids, and then stop using protection.
WORD. I just watched the first episode of Master of None and it’s enough to make my ovaries shrivel.
Every time your mother mentions you having a baby, tell her she just tacked a year onto the time until you’ll have a baby.
It’s a joke, so they can’t get too mad. But they’re a little afraid you mean it. It really works. (If you think you want a baby someday, that is. If not, you just have to shut her down.)
Toasties, it feels like I have been reading the Alexander Hamilton biography for about 50,000 years now and I’m still only about 50% through. It’s basically in real time, but I can’t skip because Chernow jam-packed it with delightful gems. I mean, Citizen Genet, can you even!?
You’re awesome for even starting it, IMO. I considered it as a possible read for my convalescence but after actually seeing it in person was like
Me too! My Kindle just died, too, so I am on hiatus until I get my new one loaded up. I’m glad I got in on Kindle, because I didn’t have to see how ginormous the actual book is.
I have been anxiously awaiting a replacement keyboard for my laptop because I spilled tea on the damn thing two weeks ago. Y’all, it’s stressful. I just want to use my actual computer instead of my old-ish and slow android tablet.
Also, I’ve suddenly gotten major desires to bake and cook like whoa. I’ve been doing better with cooking at home this past week or so, and I’m super pumped for fall/winter season baking. I have some no-knead bread rising at home, I’ve been planning Turkey Day contributions, and I’ve decided that I need to make drop biscuits pot pie in my cast iron skillet this weekend.
I just want to thank everyone who answered my coding questions last week. I’ve been diving into HMTL/CSS lessons with gusto this whole week!
Hamiltoasts, raise a glass to freedom! I’m ordering some of this before the holiday.
My friends and I have “Graciasgiving” every year because we all hate turkey–bestie cooks her grandma’s chiles rellenos and Mexican rice, I make guac and pico and fresh tortilla chips, we finish the whole thing off with dulce de leche and flan. I’m thinking chardonnay when the desserts come out, but red or white with the mains? I feel like the zinfandel will stand up better to Mexican rice, but it might be overpowering with rellenos.
Hello toast friends!! Can we talk about Instagram?
I started using Instagram a while ago and followed a bunch of Toasties when there was first a “here’s who’s on social media” type thread, but it’s been so long and I have become VERY obsessed with Instagram since.
So–who’s with me on the Instagram obsession? Bonus if you have pics of pets or children. I use mine as my outlet for cat pics.
Here’s me: https://instagram.com/mandarinmarie/
I think we already follow each other! But also check out Toast connections doc, lots of IG accounts there too:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1_26MiL9WN…
A SPREADSHEET!! I have no idea how I missed this!!
I already follow @mandarinmarie on instagram and I can testify that she is delightful. I am @rallisaurus and I tend to post cats pics, food and history stuff, and selfies. Follow me!
I’m @sarah_jwh and I post lots of pictures of my tiny dog
I was going to tell you who I was on IG but then I saw you added me already! But for anyone else I’m http://instagram.com/floofykitties! It’s like 75% my cats, and 25% autumn leaves/books/random other things!
I’m there! @baanoobaanoo
I am @groovealee. My IG is mostly outdoorsy stuff, beer, and the occasional dog.
Followed you,my account is in my IRL name, however.
followed! I’m @erikawynn everywhere
Mine is mizshellytee. No pets or children, as I have none of those, but you will find a bit of a hodgepodge of other things.
And I shall have to add myself to the Toastie Spreadsheet.
Can I ask an Instagram question? Is it possible to turn off the location stuff once you download the app? I’m a paranoid person like that, but I would like to be able to spam other Toasties with pictures of my cats.
SCOTUS is taking up Whole Women’s Health v. Cole, the Texas clinic restriction law! Oral arguments in the spring. http://www.scotusblog.com/2015/11/court-to-rule-o…
This, if you ask me, is exactly why RBG hasn’t retired yet. She knew this was coming, and she knew we would need her.
God, I hope this works out in favor of WWH. I live in Texas, and all I can say is, FINALLY and PLEASE DON’T LET THE BASTARDS WIN
I agree even more now that I know RBG has been friends for ages with Gloria Steinem and they are just one year apart! (cf. recent NY Times article)
Our chancellor just now sent a mass email to the university that contained this paragraph (bolding mine):
At the same time, we must all understand that, when it comes to racism and discrimination, change is unlikely to happen from the top down. Change has to happen from within our university, and it must involve all of us — administrators, students, faculty, staff and alumni — working together. The university must be able to count on each of you to help us do better. In the end, we are all human beings, and we all deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
I’m just like
Am I being too critical, here? I admit I assume the worst in regards to administration. I’ve worked in academia for over a decade–it’s a habit. Does anyone else think that sounds like a bunch of blame-y, self-absolving horseshit that puts the burden of progress on the wrong shoulders?
It is noooooot just you and I am side-eyeing that like mad.
Okay, good to know I’m not being knee-jerky here.
It definitely does not acknowledge that everyone has different power-levels within the university and is acting like students shoulder equal blame, when in reality students are individuals and the administration is an INSTITUITION (more power, aids and abets racism or condoning of racism, doesn’t prioritize the inclusion of safe spaces, etc).
YES. I feel like this letter was basically “well okay so maybe change needs to happen but we’re sure as hell not going to make the effort until we see someone else doing most of the work.”
Ugh, this looks like the kind of thing my workplace (also a university) sends out when they want to Say The Right Things but also not accept any blame or responsibility.
I agree that yeah, “change comes from within” and racism isn’t solved by creating new policies. But those top-level changes mean a lot too! Also, if they’re like “it must involve all of us, including administrators…” well, yeah, then get on that.
“In the end, we are all human beings, and we all deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.”
I’m pretty sure that translates to “people keep calling us racist, and that’s mean, and definitely just as bad as actual racism, and if anyone gets mad, that’s also being mean, and we’ll just pout until someone gives us cookies.”
Really glad to know I’m not alone in my interpretation/translation.
An email from administration, saying change can’t happen from the administration? Not just you, that is either shady as fuck or someone in the hierarchy being passive-aggressive about people even worse than them.
I’ll take Shady As Fuck for $200, Alex.
Best case scenario, they were trying to find a way to ask people for correction/guidance/whatever when they screw up but somehow forgot to add the “we welcome your feedback” and “here’s where we’re going to have a forum/bulletin board for suggestions on how we can do better” bit. I don’t know how you feel about sending an email asking for “clarification”, though. Like, do you have a relationship with someone in admin who would be willing to hear “here’s how you walk this statement back and say something that’s actually constructive”?
It came on the heels of a highly publicized town hall meeting this week. Basically, we’re trying to avoid being Mizzou. I wouldn’t mind sending a letter, but I have zero belief it would change anything and also I’m vaguely uncomfortable taking a point position on this as a white woman.
Not just you, that’s some bullshit right there.
It’s not quite “let’s burn some shit down” levels of idiocracy, but it’s veering in the direction at a slow-to-moderate pace. That’s some next level disowning of the problem while trying to cover their asses.
And you know, it may be that someone just got so self-important that they forgot how to write a damn letter and meant to say, “play the fuck nice, y’all – bigotry is intolerable and it requires ALL of us to eradicate”. Though I am guessing they are trying to absolve themselves of any responsibility for all the shit they are aware of already and not willing to step in and fix. Because I am cynical like that sometimes.
it’s veering in the direction at a slow-to-moderate pace
I love this phrasing and imagery.
Gardening Toasties,
This week my garden really took a hit. Even though I live in southern California, apparently the area where our community garden is located is a microclimate that has been getting to freezing temperatures at night. This morning my neighbor said the water was frozen in the hose. So basically all my vegetable plants have shriveled beyond repair, which I was NOT expecting. Does anyone have tips for things to plant in the winter that can survive mild frost? Bonus points if they are also really easy to grow?
What do you do to get your gardening fix in the winter?
This is for a much different climate… but the RHS has a great winter vegetable advice page: https://www.rhs.org.uk/advice/profile?PID=110
Of the veg the RHS recommend, I’ve tried broccoli, kale, cabbage, and parsnips. The broccoli didn’t survive through autumn frosts in my garden, but it was already pest-damaged so maybe it was doomed anyway. The parnsips did really really well. Soups galore! The kale also did really well, and I don’t even like kale so I was almost hoping it’d die back a bit. Nope. Fried kale for ages. The cabbage got on reasonably well until something ate all of it in one night.
where’s your microclimate? i’m in NELA and we do get kinda cold, but all my summer stuff that nearly died in the heat is pretty happy right now. I’ve heard the leafy greens make a good winter garden here: all the brassicas, arugula, lettuces …
If you’re in a house, maybe you’d like an apple tree or stone fruit? Both like a frost in winter, in fact stone fruit does much better with a freeze.
I’m in Santa Barbara, and the microclimate is something I just made up but it’s a little area near a wetland. I bike past there on the way home and it is always much colder through there than anywhere else. I never thought it would freeze though! I was especially sad to see my 4 very productive pepper plants just shrivel up and die over 3 days. I will have to try some greens. My garden-neighbor has some very successful kale, although I fear the rodents.
A fellow Santa Barbara Toastie! *waves excitedly* I don’t have an actual garden plot here, but have had good luck with certain potted plants: tomatoes, jalapeños, red bell peppers, and various herbs (especially parsley and basil) have been hardy year-round. I bring the pots close to the walls of my apartment when the weather gets cold, as I’ve heard that that helps protect them from frost. Or you could do what my mom does and drape your plants with sheets of clear plastic to keep them warm at night (not sure how/if this works but she swears by it).
Wow, I never knew any other Santa Barbara Toasts before! I have a lot of success with plants on my porch around my apartment – I’ve had the same jalepeno plant for 3 years! That’s why I was so surprised about my garden. The community garden area is in an open area next to the apartments, and it gets colder there (I never realized how much colder though!). Squash, tomatoes, and peppers are all done for. But the good news is now there is space to try new winter-friendly things!
Me neither! (Though I’m relatively new to posting here so I guess that’s not surprising.) I’m sorry about your plants . . . the sudden cold snap is especially odd after the long heat wave we had. Good luck with your winter garden! If you can get leafy greens to grow, you will have to share your secrets as I’ve never even been able to coax the seeds to germinate.
Kale! It gets sweeter with frost!
Awesome, I have some seeds. I will try it!
Yeah, all the brassicas. Also the perennial herbs — anything with a woody stem — thyme, rosemary, marjoram, etc.
You can use straw or wood chips to insulate the plants in cold weather, mulch them, or build a frame on the SW side to protect them. Also, this may sound weird, but water them before a freeze. Wet roots actually retain heat better. You can actually protect them from some pretty cold temps this way.
(I will now try to put aside my envy that you *have* a garden — I did as a kid but am now a sad apartment dweller with pots in front of all my windows…).
Mansplaining tale of the week:
The refrigerator in my office, with whom I have lived in peace for a year, started smelling like burning rubber. Several people noticed. So I called the engineering department and asked them to come take a look at it. Five minutes later the engineering guy and a fire safety guy arrived. This is a verbatim transcript, I’m not kidding.
Fire Safety Guy: Your refrigerator is not on fire.
Me: Yes, I know.
FSG: If it was, it would have flames and smoke coming out of it. You don’t see any of that, do you?
Me: no.
FSG: So there is no fire.
Me: Look, I did not say it was on fire. I said it smelled like something was melting or burning. And I did not call the fire safety department. I called engineering. Also, I figured it was better to call someone BEFORE FIRE AND SMOKE were coming out of it!
FSG (vaguely): Yeah…I overheard your call and decided to check it out.
Me: *glaring*
FSG (needing to have the last word): Well, anyway, you are SAFE here. You don’t need to be afraid.
Me: Afraid of what? Of my refrigerator?
FSG: Afraid of Fire. There is no fire. Lot’s of people are afraid of fire.
Me: Okay, thank you, I get it. *ushering him to the door*
And someone who is afraid of fire would probably call a non-emergency number and then wait next to the thing that they thought was on fire, obviously.
Mansplaining is a hell of a thing. I work in a building that has animal facilities on the ground floor, and occasionally the ventilation goes wonky and our kitchen smells like rat bedding. It’s gross. I had the most infuriating argument with a facilities engineer who insisted that I and all my coworkers were simply smelling rotten food.
Look buddy, I’m not going to argue with you about what I do or do not smell.
Rat bedding smell in the kitchen? Ouch. We just get the fragrance of the weed the neighbours are smoking wafting up into the bathroom. I’m pretty sure they’re not smoking it in their bathroom, it’s tiny and has no window, but old buildings, what can you say.
“Lots of people are afraid of fire.”
“Man has been fascinated with fire since time immemorial, since Prometheus stole it from the highest hearth. It is warmth, it is life, it is the flaming heart around which countless generations have gathered to be fed in body and soul. It is a gift from the gods. I AM NOT AFRAID.”
I’m in late–I was busy with non-Toast things, wtf–but here for an LMM appreciation thread. AAAAAAAAHHH I am helpless. Helplesss! (Some would also say hopeless… but they do not appreciate the glory that is Fanwoman. The poor dears.)
Click through for a whole bunch of Twitterico cuteness.
Soooooo late… hope this works.
And if you like Phantom, there’s this:
[x, x, x]
Boyfriend is all recovered! And he’s taking me out for a nice dinner as soon as he gets paid, because he appreciates how well I took care of him <3
In other news, I dyed my hair turquoise without using gloves, and now it looks like I strangled a smurf. Suggestions?
Makeup on your arms, neck, and face, so that you ACTUALLY look like a smurf.
YES! Lean in!
Hear, hear. I was going to say just own it.
While I am all in favor of this, if there are circumstances where it is necessary to not look like a smurf, I have often found exfoliating foot creams to be helpful in getting color off my hands.
Try detergent. Vitamin C powder could work. If it was demi, you might even be able to use peroxide. I somehow manage to allllways get stuff on my hands despite gloves, and I usually just wait it out.
My vote is that you just paint your nails an amazing glittery silver and admit that you’re an elemental witch.
Omg perf, time to release my inner water with
Have you tried (men’s) shaving cream? It’s good at removing eyeliner stains from makeup shopping.
Nail polish remover will indeed get it off – I have blue hair and often end up smurfy.
Let’s talk food! I haven’t been cooking anything that exciting lately but I feel inspired now – I think I’m going to cook a big hunk of meat in the slow cooker, make the cabbage and date salad from smitten kitchen, and maybe some interesting dessert. What about you?
I was talking to my train friend yesterday (she’s the old-school meat/potatoes crockpot cooker), and came up with the idea of a nice curry with yams and tomatoes, maybe. It would be great to do rice at the same time, somehow. Will experiment this weekend.
Also roasting ALL THE CARROTS with balsamic vinegar tonight. Mmmmmm, carrots.
I’m in the same situation–until recently I was really bored with cooking but then last weekend I just suddenly got inspired! I think I like cooking better in the winter months.
I made homemade chicken broth and then used that in a really yummy tomato soup.
Mmmmm fooooood. Tonight’s dinner is half of the giant half-salmon I bought when they were on sale at the grocer a while ago, with roasted sweet potatoes and sauteed spinach. Tomorrow night is the other half of the salmon with roasted carrots and balsamic vinegar. I’m probably going to roast a duck for Thanksgiving (one’s in the freezer from when they were on sale this summer) but haven’t yet decided on side dishes (I’m only cooking for two).
I’m also very happy it’s CrockPot Season again.
I’ve been doing ALL THE THINGS WITH CHOCOLATE lately, I have little silicone moulds to melt things into, but savoury stuff, you say.
Well, we did a scrumptious vegan cauliflower pasta bake last weekend. Chop and fry an onion, add oil and flour to make a roux, soy milk to make a white sauce, season with this and that including vegan cheese, bouillon powder, garlic (puree since I don’t seem to digest fresh garlic), nutritional yeast if you like it. Cut up and nuke a cauliflower with cumin and black pepper. Throw it all together in a dish with cooked pasta and chunks of sundried tomato, bake, and scoff it down.
I visited my parents earlier this weekend and got some fresh horseradish from their garden (and some roots to plant into my garden) so I’m going to try sticking nice slices of horseradish into a roast and slow cooking that. I’m super excited by this.
Late, but you lot are the best resource I have: I’m in the strange and unfamiliar position of really looking forward to winter. Not Christmas, I’m not a big Christmas person, just winter in general. Anybody got any winter books/movies/music that you really enjoy?
Nobody’s Fool, While You Were Sleeping, Men with Brooms.
Men With Brooms! How did I forget about Men With Brooms!
Super late to this, but Divine Discontent by Sixpence None the Richer is one of my favorite cold weather albums, mostly due to the final song, “A Million Parachutes.” The lyrics are not actually completely pro-snow, but it somehow perfectly captures the feel of watching snow fall during a quiet night at home.
Isak Dinesen, Winter’s Tales.
Okay, I know there are a lot of librarians here, and I know that I’m essentially stuck where I am currently and am doing pretty much everything I can do but maybe somebody from a different area has a different perspective:
I’ve been a public librarian for over a decade now. Originally I wanted to go into archives, but those jobs went first. Then tech services, and those jobs went second. Then definitely academic… but public is what I got, and I do enjoy it. I have a passion for the work, but I don’t have a passion for my current library. It’s a large system, relatively wealthy, and it’s doing everything it can to not be a damned library anymore. It’s disgusting, it’s dysfunctional, and it’s a nightmare. I want out. I would elaborate but on the one hand, eek, somebody might recognize me! On the other hand, nobody at the top thinks they’re doing anything wrong, so probably they wouldn’t. GHASTLY.
Thing is, everybody else wants out too. I’m in competition with my coworkers as well as everybody else.
And this is a city with a library school.
And the university won’t even look at you if you have the stink of public on you.
No, I can’t move. I have a house, my mom is getting older and is here, etc.
I’ve been sort of trying to at least five years to get out and trying my ass off for three. I’ve gotten ONE interview, this year (at a smaller system in the next county over.) I didn’t get the job but felt it went well and that I might have a shot in the future.
(Oh did I mention I can’t take a pay cut? We’re trying to pay off debt, my husband is way underpaid, and we have a baby. So even that other system would have not been great, as starting over anywhere is at least some kind of pay cut, but it would have been OUT. I would consider leaving the profession entirely for a bit – I am so burned out – but any kind of career switch would be a pay cut.)
Working where I do, it’s impossible to get managerial experience, which is one problem. Academic doesn’t want public, like I said, which is another – ideally I’d go back to academic but I can’t even get a glance there, even for jobs where a smart library would want experienced public librarians (first year experience librarian, etc.) Jobs have popped up at Two Click U’s, but surely that’s a bad career decision.
I’ve been trying to be more active with the state library association (hard getting people to e-mail me back but I’m very willing to do whatever needs doing.) I’m bad at networking but, you know, I’m trying. I just don’t know what else to do. I’m on inalj.com so often my computer prompts me to make it my home page. It isn’t fair to my little boy to come home furious and resentful all the time, but I feel like I’m utterly stuck. I mean, it’s absolutely shit-tastic but it pays the bills.
Does anybody have any suggestions?
I don’t have any suggestions… but I would like to empathize with being stuck in a suffocating work situation and feeling like the available options are not really options. Also, with going home to family in a bad mood that they did nothing to cause or deserve. I had to get out before things got better for me. And accept a bit of career wandering that is turning out to be not that bad after all.
Sending professional fabulousness and success vibes your way.
I sincerely hope you live in the same town as me, otherwise there are 2 identically effed up public libraries out there. My specific method of escape won’t work for you: I started working on a small project at the university for approximately equal pay but zero benefits. I’ve been there almost 4 years now and the people are awesome, but man I would love to be able to afford a vacation.
On a more practical note, though: Since you’re interested in archives and technical services (sister! <3) I’m guessing that means you have an interest in things like cataloging and organization? Those are actually VERY marketable skills in certain sectors right now. I’m still figuring out how letting people know about my skills works, but there are a LOT of people in academia who need their data digitized and organized or their old databases cleaned and upgraded. My web developer friends tell me a lot of recent library grads are going into UX (user experience–designing websites so users can actually find shit on them). You do pretty much have to get experience in both of these areas in order to break in though. (I soooo want to do UX, but haven’t found a good opportunity yet.)
Getting jobs in any sector is super challenging right now, but there ARE people out there looking for your skill set. The question then is whether you’re comfortable taking those skills out of the library context or not.
Personally, I’ve absolutely loved the chances I’ve had at managing data, and I’ve been toying seriously for a year with getting a GISLS in data curation. Maybe I’ll pull the trigger in 2016.
Anyway, I’m typing this on an absurdly small box on my phone, so hopefully this makes sense and isn’t just rambling.
Ha, I assume we are not, otherwise I could say the word “Studio” and you would burst into flames. I HAVE seen a lot of jobs that essentially require experience in SQL, or in Drupal, that sort of thing. And I do find that sort of thing interesting, but actually getting the resume creds is a different animal. I actually considered leaving the profession entirely for a bit to go work for some people my dad used to know… only once he died, they stopped calling me back.
Realized I misspelled GSLIS. Tired today. Whee.
Does anyone know of any good American history books written by and/or about women? I’m trying to broaden my dad’s horizons but also want to get him something he’d actually enjoy for Christmas.
Is he a Civil War person? Because if so, you’ve gotta go for Liar, Temptress, Soldier, Spy by Karen Abbott.
ooh that sounds awesome! Thanks!
Any chance he’d enjoy A History of White People by Nell Irvin Painter?
Maybe! Whenever I tell him he needs to consume more media about/by non white guys he’s always kind of like “yeah but I like history so that kind of means I’m stuck with stories about white guys” so anything I can do to show him that doesn’t have to be the case is great. This sounds like a great book, I want to read it. Thanks!
I’ve successfully begun getting my dad into Sarah Vowell! She’s more essay-like but there’s definitely lots of history there.
Susan Jacoby’s Freethinkers: A History of American Secularism http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B003J5UHWY
I second the Sarah Vowell idea.
So, interesting night in Paris…
Me and 2 othr toasties are barricadd In a wine bar next to one of tje shootings
Oh God. I’m so sorry and be safe.
Holy shit! Be safe!
Holy crap. I came to check this thread because I knew there were Paris toasts. Hang in there!
Jesus. I hope you are safe.
Yikes! Drop a line every now and then so we know you’re still okay!
I live right In between all 3 shootings. Dont know when i cn go I live right In between all 3 shootings. Dont know when i cn go home
Almost went to bataclan (hostage locatn). A friend who was there escaped, in meltdown on fb. Other ppl MIA
That must be so scary. Stay safe. People on Twitter are offering their homes up to those displaced by the shootings – the tag is #PorteOuverte. Maybe someone there could give you shelter?
Someone’s also compiled the #PorteOuverte tweets into a website: http://porteouverteparis.com/
Oh Toastfriend, I will keep you in my thoughts. I hope you get someplace safe and comfortable. Pleasepeaseplease check in here when you can.
So sorry. Really hoping all your MIA friends make it out ok.
I hope everyone is safe. We’re thinking of you. Be careful.
Hey everyone, thanks for the good wishes. We all made it home OK.
So glad to hear that. Take care of yourselves.
thank you for letting us know.
thank you for updating us
Hi, I met up with you and some other Toasts at a hotpot place last winter when I was visiting Paris…So glad to hear that you’re okay.
Oh my God, that’s awful. Be safe!
So scary. Take care of yourself, and hope your people are ok.
All prayers and strength to you and yours. Please be safe.
Please stay safe. Thinking of you and your city.
Oh God, you’re in my thoughts! I hope to god you remain safe.
This is awful. Stay as safe as you can. Sending good thoughts…
My thoughts are with you. Be safe.
Best of luck, and I hope you all stay safe.
Stay safe, and keep us updated as you can.
I hope you are and your friends are safe.
Oh my god. Be safe – sending you all good vibes.
WTF. I hope you all stay safe and that it’s over soon.
Keep us updated if you can and be safe. We’re all keeping our thoughts with you and your friends and family
Thoughts and prayers with you and all of Paris! Stay safe!
Holy shit. Be safe. I’m so sorry.
I stayed in that area this summer when visiting Paris and I’m devastated to think about how this has happened there. Prayers for all of you.
Hooooooly shit. Be safe.
Oh no, please get home safe! All our thoughts are with your city tonight.
Hey, this is Katy, I met some of you about a year ago, when I was visiting from Rouen. Stay safe! I hope you’re all safely home asleep by now.
Does anyone know if they’re alright? 11 dead at the Carillon bar, according to the news.
[sic] said upthread an hour ago that they’re all okay!
We’re trying for Le Bebe Deuxième, and I am freaked out. I have been struggling with chronic illness that adds up to a lot of pain issues and massive fatigue in addition to the personal expenditures and sacrifices of caring for a toddler. I love my child, but being a mother in and of itself is just not fulfilling to me, and I am having a hard enough time finding my way back to feeling fulfilled and like I am *myself* again. I’m scared of losing the ground I have gained. But I am also getting too darn old to be popping out babies, so I am feeling now or never about this. It is really important to my partner, and I also grew up with a sibling as a best friend, and feel generally good about it being a positive choice for the family… it’s just looking like it will cost me a lot personally. I am intimidated.
Give me some anecdotes and advice and encouragement, parents. I want to hear about transitioning to being a two-kid household or just how you balance being a present, connected, loving parent and also an individual.
If it’s now or never, never is a valid option, you know. It’s different with chronic illness. I have severe ME/CFS so I can’t have kids at all (far too ill, plus it’s highly inheritable), but friends who are dealing with two kids plus chronic illness in the family are finding it very, very hard. I know someone else who ended up so ill her young children were looking after her instead, and it got worse from there. You shouldn’t be bearing it all personally, it should be split between you and your partner, and if you’re ill, shouldn’t your partner be taking on an extra share? Not expecting you to sacrifice yourself?
Something else to think about: many medical conditions of this sort are fairly likely to be passed down to your children. Would you be up to looking after two children, including if a child were long-term ill?
You really sound like you’d prefer to leave your family the size it is. Are you sure you’re OK with this, hon? Best of luck.
I am so sorry to hear of your own health problems. ME/CFS is a loathsome beast.
My partner is figuring out how to step in more, and knows it is part of the deal for having a second, since it is so important to them. I rather suck at asking for and then accepting help. It’s a work in progress. I know never is an option and every time it is tempting to say the word, I realize I would also feel a sense of loss about that which is too profound to just dismiss. I realize that practically, however willing the spirit is, there’s a point when there’s no more flesh to sacrifice to the task and I don’t know how to figure out what that is.
My illness was career-ending shortly before my daughter was in the picture (opera is not especially forgiving on the body). I hadn’t really adjusted to the idea that I will never get to go back to being who I was. I fumbled the transition and never rebuilt myself after having the life I’d worked for taken away, then jumped right into parenthood. I just never saw myself as a career mom, and a second child means extending being needed by a small child, and thus having less (or any) time/energy to try and heal enough to do that rebuilding, for at least a few years. That feels like a long time. I am feeling excessively selfish about my resources.
I think I was hoping someone would tell me it was not just possible but probable to be a whole, entire, complete person and also parent small children simultaneously, and offer pro tips on how to do it. I’ve beaten myself up quite a bit over feeling like I have done a poor job at being both a committed parent and also an independent, fulfilled person.
Thank you for your kind post. I appreciate the support, and all the helpful things you pointed out. Food for thought.
Maybe use contraception until you are quite sure that you are thriving while raising this child, and will be well enough to have another? You don’t sound like you’re quite in the right headspace to make the decision just yet.
I’m concerned that you feel so guilty about being ill, and quite a few things you are saying sound self-sacrificial. Don’t do that. It is exactly what a disablist culture tells us to do, I know, and you’ll need a way to work through that internalised guilt. You are not at fault. Disability activism, counselling, whatever works for you, but it’s important to work on. (I have no idea whether you identify as disabled, I’m including chronic illness here.) You sound like you’re still working through a lot of stuff and are not ready to make the decision yet, and it is absolutely fine to delay it a bit. Your ovaries are not going to explode overnight.
You mentioned grieving a loss. Have you got through the grieving process for having a career-ending illness yet? It is huge. I was diagnosed with ME in my first year of uni back in 1997, and I should have dropped out immediately. Only no one told me how serious the illness is, they told me I just had to pull myself together, so what did I do? Spend the next eight years trying to finish my degree, and eventually get kicked out
Getting better at managing your illness combined with childrearing doesn’t sound like it’ll have you performing opera again, but it could mean you manage teaching from home once your kid’s bigger, something like that. You don’t have to lose your entire identity as a musician. Are you perhaps flinging yourself into childrearing in an attempt to compensate for losing that? Music is one of those things that really sinks into your core sense of self, I know. I was a busy musician until I got ill as well.
What you really don’t want to end up doing is ending up running yourself into the ground, being unable to raise either child, perhaps going bankrupt depending on where you live and the financial situation, losing your partner (so many people can’t cope with a chronically ill/disabled partner), there are lots of ways it could get bad. I don’t know what your medical condition does to your life expectancy and if that’s a thing, whether you’ve come to terms with it. I don’t know how pregnancy affects your medical condition. I don’t know if you could pass it down to your children, but there is always a chance that anyone could have a child who’s ill or disabled.
It’s not going to be easier if you have a second child, apart from the small things all parents get such as having more knowhow the second time around. (Which can make a big difference if it’s something like recognising that you have PND, that was pretty big for a friend of mine who had no idea what hit her the first time.) It’s going to be harder. It may be a lot harder. How do you feel about returning to the stage where you get pretty much no sleep, for instance? It’s also going to be a lot more expensive, and chronic illness eats money, especially when one of you can’t work.
And there really is nothing wrong with being an only child! I know it’s an emotional topic, but this has to be done on practicalities.
I’m not saying it can’t be done, but good grief, please don’t rush into something you can’t do out of a sense of guilt at having had to give up your career!
If it’s any help, I did eventually learn to adjust. I have an awesome partner, an adorable cat, hobbies, friends, lots of nice things going on in my life. There are friends coming round for board games later, weather permitting (Scotland’s having a stormy few days), and I’ll bake something for them, which is always enormous fun. I feel a lot more like an independent, fulfilled person these days. I also got away from the people in my life who were telling me I was a failure, that made a huge difference.
How old is your child? How big of a gap would there be? I had an almost-three year gap between my two and I feel like I had a much easier transition than some of my friends who had a 2-year gap because my almost-three year old (who was pretty precocious) was able to help in small ways and also, largely, entertain herself if I needed to rest. A four or a five year old would be all the more helpful/independent (possibly even in school for some or all of the day). Timing can make a big difference. I feel like with me, with the second, I established earlier the limits of what I could give to the baby. With my first, I was afraid to ever let her cry (even just for a minute). I co-coslept; I was still nursing three or four times a night when she was 18 months old. And with my second, I decided I was going to do things differently. I still gave a lot to her (she was a baby, it’s inevitable), but I did my best to keep myself from getting overwhelmed/overtaxed. That meant letting her cry it out and learn how to sleep on her own at 6 months. It meant using a pacifier rather than my breast to soothe her. Now, you may have already employed these specific parenting choices, but you can still set some boundaries/limits to what you expect from yourself. Obviously, not everything is going to be in your control, but if you have another baby you can assess where you can give yourself a break. Lean on your partner as much as possible–you are a team. All that being said, your child will be fine even if you are not able to provide him/her with a sibling. People create their own families, beyond biology, and perhaps if you decide not to have another child, you can find children (of friends, cousins, siblings, etc.) with whom you child can have special relationships. Your child will find friendships and close bonds with or without a sibling. Providing your child a sibling is not a requisite for being a good parent, and you are the one who has the information to decide whether you are up to being a parent of two kids or not.
She is just-turned-2, so assuming we actually caught a break and this happened soon, they’d be three years apart, give or take.
It’s good to hear that there’s a point at which toddlers do entertain themselves, because my beloved mini-valkyrie is verrrrrrrry needy about my time and attention for someone who is also hysterically stubborn about her independence.
Being practical about boundaries and limitations is extremely good advice, and feels very do-able. My mom has said the same, but for every positive story I have heard, it feels like I get a half dozen horror stories. Our pediatrician actually had the gall to tell me that since our first was such a great baby our second would invariably be a nightmare. I was not thrilled.
I very much believe what you’ve said about only children, and chosen families. I lost my brother a few years ago and I think there’s some very messy stuff that is hard to pin down about my sense of completion in providing her the sibling I no longer have – which is not really a good reason to have another. But the fact remains that I am with you thousand percent on chosen families and happiness and fulfillment.
Is it too personal to ask if you are home with your little ones or how soon it was viable for you to think about work or bigger personal projects? I’m curious about how transitioning littles into older, school-aged children and how that impacted them and you.
Thank you so much for this. It was very encouraging. I appreciate the time and insight.
My sister and I never got along growing up. We fought like salon.com trolls for pretty much my entire childhood, cooling off only when she moved a hundred miles away for college. Even now, as relatively mature adults, we don’t get along. We love each other and are allies against the crazier relatives, but we are not close. She finds me annoying and shallow, I find her pretentious and heavy handed.
So if having two children is important to you, I would say really think about why it’s important, because if 16 years of hair pulling, slammed doors, spit in shampoo bottles, and stolen diaries doesn’t sound worth it in theory, in practice we were even worse.
Brb, I need to go call my mom and thank her for not murdering us.
Sorry, I have been away from my computer since last night. I am home with my kids. I will spare you the details of why that started, but it is somewhat because of choice and somewhat because of circumstances/practicalities. I started working part-time this summer and I love having the chance to be out in the world, doing adult things, and the small number of hours is manageable (both for paying for childcare to enable me to be out of the house and in meaning I can still get what I need to done inside the house). I hope to expand my hours as my kids get older, but I also just found out I am pregnant again (which is a whole other kettle of fish…three kids…) so that may set me back a bit.
As far as personal projects, I feel like with my first it took me about two years to have the time/space to feel like I was myself again and had my own identity back and was doing my own things (reading a lot, writing a lot, etc.) So much of it is circumstantial, but I feel like I got that back sooner with my second and it was more about me than her. She just turned two, and yet this past year I’ve managed to read 60+ books and write a minimum of 300 words every day. Of course there are some kids that this would not be possible with, but my second, despite being clingy, is pretty chill as long as I am around and my first kid is a super helper who is also patient. But I also don’t stress as much if I have to put the TV on or let them use the tablet to give myself the freedom to do something while I am with them. I also make as much use as possible for nap times and the time between their bedtime and mine.
Both my kids go to bed at 7pm. My oldest hardly ever falls asleep at that time, but the rule is she has to be in her room and be reasonably quiet. We used to have the rule that she had to be in her bed, but at this point I don’t care if she is playing up there, as long as she is not out of her room needing us. And the way she plays after her bedtime is so different than during the day–since she has no expectation of us joining in, I feel like she is really able to immerse herself in her imagination. I have thought about having her have to have mandatory “quiet time” during her sister’s nap time, and I know parents who do that for kids who have outgrown naps, but half the time she is in preschool anyway and I like having some one-on-one time with her, too.
Last thing, I let *a lot* slide on the housekeeping front. My husband is good about doing his fair share (or more) but also we are both comfortable with the house not being “company ready” (or anywhere close to it) the majority of the time. Sometimes I wish my house were cleaner and I were better at managing all of that, but at the end of the day I would rather have the time that I do rather than spend any more of that time cleaning. So there’s that.
Hope this helps, whatever you decide.
I have two and have worked throughout. One has a major disability (high-functioning but still quite disabling) autism, and I was divorced when the oldest was 8. (Now 12. Same spacing as yours might be.)
I am still glad I had two, and it IS possible to have a life while raising children even under my non-ideal circumstances. When they’re tiny it can seem like it will not be, but I have often found the work part of work-life balance to be saving! And other times, it tips the other way. My kids fight often but are also each other’s best playmates.
Everyone I know who has had two or more has worried about the adjustment, but in the end, I don’t know anyone who has regretted. Two is different but really, you are adding a new person, not a new responsibility, and that person is a new part of your world that you will become engaged with. I didn’t find the workload vastly greater. There is some additional logistical overhead, but not double.
…hey, toasts.
Follow up to the job meeting situation last week: I was told this afternoon that today’s my last day. They’re letting me go under the probationary period rule, since my 90 day eval wasn’t done yet. Reason cited is I don’t meet the basic qualifications for the position.
Let me fucking tell you, this is news to me. Literally everything I’ve heard up to now, even during the big screwup, has been along the lines of, “okay this is something to work on, looks like you’re addressing it, that sounds good”. I feel like I’ve had the rug pulled out from under me. Just…thought I should follow up.
No idea what I’m gonna do now. It took a three day drive and thousands of dollars to get here, and it was all for this job. Since they let me go within the first year, I have to pay them back what they spent in relocation assistance. I had absolutely no idea this was coming, and now I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the back.
Happy Friday.
Yiiiiikes. What a nightmare. You poor thing.
Is there any way to push back on the repayment of relocation assistance? Have you consulted with anyone to that end? I mean, they hired you. Surely they felt you met the basic requirements. That’s got to be on them.
Well. That sucks. Also, they suck. I’m sorry to hear about them sucking, and I hope you find a new job with people who don’t suck quickly.
That sucks!! Would you be eligible for unemployment?
Well, shit! That’s awful! Are you sure this is legal? Even for a probationary period, it seems like you should have gotten *some* warning and chance to make changes …
To second Miss Catherine above – did you sign off on anything saying that you would pay back the relocation expenses?
Sometimes this kind of termination is weasel-speak for “we found someone to replace you for half your salary”. The relo repayment clause is usually invoked only if *you* initiate separation. A labor lawyer can give you an initial consultation for free. It would be worth a few hundred bucks for a lawyerly letter to your employer. This sucks and I’m sorry you have to deal with this shit.
Bummer reproductive health issues below.
Just lost my third pregnancy this year. That’s bad enough on its face but this is the second time I’ve hemmoraghed to the point of unconsciousness and while I want a baby – just one – I’m scared shitless of pregnancy at this point. My body feels so out of my control & it doesn’t help that I’ve had a terrible reaction to the anesthesia and feel like I’ve been hit by a bus. Should we try again? I would go through all of it – the sickness, fatigue, bleeding, if I knew I could have a child but it is just so hard. Would love to hear stories with happy or happy ish endings, if anyone has them.
I don’t have a happy ending to give you, I’m sorry. I do have so much sympathy though, because I also lost my third pregnancy this year. It’s so, so hard. I don’t get pregnant on my own, so every one of those pregnancies was so many drugs and money and medical tests. And I would do all of that happily, if someone would just tell me that it all works out in the end.
I don’t know your situation, so I don’t want to offer any advice that you’re not asking for. So, I’ll just offer all good thoughts and my absolute sympathy. I’m so sorry for your losses.
I’m so, so sorry. It sounds like our circumstances are a little different but the roller coaster of pregnancy/loss/pregnant/loss is just so horrible – you have all my sympathy as well. What a THING, what a terrible thing human reproduction is.
So sorry. So many losses. You deserve to be healthy and happy. Taking a year or 6 months away from pregnancy might be what you need. But I trust you to know what’s best for you. Toasthugs.
Thank you so much. I’m in my late thirties so have been feeling a bit of a crunch but you may be right. At least a little break to let my body heal and to get our heads right.
I am so sorry.
That sounds scary and challenging. What does your doc say? Maybe it’s time for a second opinion just to have another perspective as well.
I was told I would never be able to conceive and/or carry a child to term, and had a birth control fail, a terrible pregnancy, and a nightmare labor, for the healthiest baby you’ve ever seen. She’s awesome, but it was such a horrific experience, if we have another, I already have the names and numbers of a hypnotherapist and a psychologist. So, possible to have a happy ending from scary beginnings.
You might consider contacting a doula or midwife for support through early pregnancy as well as delivery if you chose to try again. A good acupuncturist can also be great.
That said, there’s a limit. If I knew it would be that hard again, I’d say no to a second for myself. You’re allowed to live in your own body, and be safe and well, and no one can judge you for that. I know wanting a child without being able to have one is a unique pain, but it sounds as if this has been enough of a hellacious journey for you and if you decided you were done, no one can say you haven’t earned your battlescars. There are other ways to experience generativity, many people out there who need love and nurturing.
i wish you well.
Thank you so much for your story, and I’m so glad you have your wonderful little girl, though I’m sorry your pregnancy and birth were so difficult. This whole experience has made both my spouse and myself even more rabidly pro choice than I ever believed possible, mostly because I’m now seeing pregnancy as basically torture. I’m on a new batch of doctors now – I went the midwife/Doula route before but unfortunately they weren’t equipped to handle my situation. At this point I’ve been diagnosed with a cervical problem that predisposes me to second trimester losses, and we have a plan for that, but the last two losses were early. Once I get the tests back and have my follow up appointment, we’ll know more.
I really appreciate what you have to say about different ways to form a family – we’ve always discussed fostering with an eye to adoption, but after holding my daughter for the brief moments she was with me, I’ve become extremely fixated on the idea of a successful pregnancy. Maybe too fixated? As if it would erase or mitigate the awfulness of that loss? But even if that doesn’t happen, we will still find a way to expand on the family we do have now, to share and experience that generativity. Thank you again for your kind words and for sharing your experience, so much.
Bless you. I have no words for that kind of loss and pain. I just cannot even imagine. I suppose it is possible that you are fixated on the idea of pregnancy as the avenue to your child, but that also seems like a very normal desire.
I am scrambling because I wish so badly I could reach out and help, so I hope I am not overstepping in trying to do so. Depending on where you are, I know an unbelievable doc who strictly handles high risk pregnancy in Los Angeles. Otherwise, I would research OBs who specialize in your condition. They are out there. That said – you have been through some serious trauma, and it’s okay to decide to go other routes for your family.
Sending you all the healing thoughts I can muster…
I want to say I don’t think you’re overstepping at all, and that I appreciate your desire to help very, very much. Right now I’m with a medical group that specializes in high risk pregnancies, and they’re associated with a top 10 research university that’s actually pioneered a specific preterm labor treatment that I may be eligible for, if I can make it to the second trimester again. (They’ve also been absurdly compassionate and kind, and very honest about my situation.) SoI feel like I’m in good hands – it’s just trying to balance the needs of my body and my fear of another traumatic miscarriage/ early labor situation against my desire for a child. I just read your thread, and while we’re coming from different places, it does sound a bit like we’re struggling with similar issues. I hope you can find the answer that works best for you and your family, and whatever measure of peace that comes with that decision. But like, how great would artificial wombs be?! My kingdom for an artificial womb.
Are you and your partner seeing any type of mental health type of person? I’ve found therapy to be a great thing for untangling what I want, what is good for me, what I am “supposed” to want, etc. Plus, it can’t hurt to have someone help you process your grief and loss. I’m so sorry, again. My family is rife with gynecological and obstetrical issues, and it’s just so hard.
You know, we both have therapists we’ve seen since before my first pregnancy, and it’s been really important in keeping us basically ok. You’re right though, this is something maybe too big and difficult to work through on our own. It’s really weird, I’ve never really experienced a biological drive to reproduce until I experienced pregnancy and now it’s so strong it seems impossible it won’t happen? Despite the evidence. Hormones are crazy. I hope your family is doing well, and your empathy & your willingness to listen to a stranger on the Internet are very appreciated.
My spouse and I have started seeing a couple’s counselor together, to sort out some career/schooling issues and the unexpected old issues these decisions have brought up, and it’s been AMAZING. Wishing you and your family all the best.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I have no personal stories, here, but I am thinking of you and wishing you the very best on your reproductive journey.
Hello Toasts– this is my first ever comment, but I’ve been reading along here for about a year. Seriously addicted to the cocktail thread!! This will be a surprise to none of you, but I always tell people this is the only place on the internet I come FOR the comments (on the posts as well as open thread, bien sur). Honestly, I feel like I found My People, and it is the BEST. Hugs to you all.
So uh, I am having A WEEK. I’m going to post in the reply because it’s rather lengthy, but any advice or affirmations would be so beyond appreciated <3
Work has imploded in a variety of ways, one of which was me being reprimanded like a child for (not their words but mine) using female language instead of male language and (pretty much their words) it’s my fault this colleague didn’t know they weren’t doing their job because I used the wrong language to bring it up (aka I wasn’t a complete asshole and tried to be professional about stuff going super wrong). Other people in my department have defended me, but I am still pretty rattled by that conversation.
I’ve spent the past year in therapy trying to deal with a pretty deep period of depression and ptsd related to a medical issue, and while that seems to be lifting, work and life has meant I’ve seen a return of panic attacks and high anxiety this week. I’ve also done more reading on panic attacks and realized that I’ve been having them regularly for years, but they just weren’t the kind you see on tv with someone breathing into a paper bag so I had no idea.
A (much older) man I was seriously falling for has dropped off the face of the earth because of an insane work project and family falling deathly ill, and at first I pretended I was cool with it (and told him as much) because we aren’t really at a place to “be” anything in trying times, but I wanted to try to get to that place with him and now who knows what will come of this. I feel like an idiot for holding out hope (have done so before for guys who I now am embarrassed I ever saw anything in), but also it makes me happy to think that eventually this could turn into something more, so I want to keep thinking like that?
Lastly, I live in NYC and feel like an awful person for taking no advantage of this city since I spend so much time at work/ trying to heal my physical and mental health/ and hours after work lying in bed decompressing from my day. And I only keep this miserable job because it helps me pay for all this healthcare (not really but I am scraping by).
I don’t want to feel so sad and awful all the time but experience tells me that things will just keep getting worse, that it’s not safe to feel happy and secure. I don’t want to be this negative person but I am?
Does anyone have any advice or perspective or just a really great gif to share? Also, any tips on calming the anxiety heartburn/breathing issues would be awesome. Googling that kind of stuff makes my head spin but I trust the toasties.
It sounds like a very bad week and I am sorry someone made it worse by yelling at you. Female language? WTF.
Maybe you should write the nice older man a nice old-fashioned sympathy letter on paper, to soothe his feelings and yours.
Thank you so much for your kind words <3 they mean a lot.
And it was such a WTF moment… I am still boggled that it even happened.
Sent from my iPhone
Yuck, that all sounds awful. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not “taking advantage” of where you live. That sounds like it might be your brain beating up on you for taking care of yourself. Anxiety and depression haaaate self-care and try to convince us that it isn’t something we deserve or need. So go ahead and do what you need to do to get well, and maybe at some point you will have enough energy to get out and explore. It’s not like NYC is going to run out of fun stuff to do 🙂
Hopefully work settles down soon. “Female language” sounds pretty fucking sexist to me, what a bunch of asshats.
As for calming down, have you tried coloring? Get some colored pencils or markers or hell, crayons, and one of those nice adult coloring books and go to town. It’s so great.
I have been wanting to get those coloring books *forever* and then berating myself that is was an “indulgence” I didn’t deserve.
It’s easier to take advice from others sometimes, right? I’m going to get one this week 🙂
I also appreciate the reminder that self care is ok. You are right, my brain has definitely been very harsh lately.
Also I might have make “It’s not like NYC is going to run out of fun stuff to do” my new mantra!
Sent from my iPhone
I am at a sexuality conference this weekend and not only is the conference awesome and interesting and fun, my ex wasn’t there tonight!
For context, both of us have attended every day of every previous year of this conference for as long as it has existed. And I had it in my head as the thing that was far enough into the future that I should be able to be in the same room without having a panic attack.
And he didn’t show.
I am pretty sure this means I win.
Yasssssssssssssssssss!
Thank goodness.
Maybe use contraception until you are quite sure that you are thriving while raising this child, and will be well enough to have another? You don't sound like you're quite in the right headspace to make the decision just yet.
I'm concerned that you feel so guilty about being ill, and quite a few things you are saying sound self-sacrificial. Don't do that. It is exactly what a disablist culture tells us to do, I know, and you'll need a way to work through that internalised guilt. You are not at fault. Disability activism, counselling, whatever works for you, but it's important to work on. (I have no idea whether you identify as disabled, I'm including chronic illness here.) You sound like you're still working through a lot of stuff and are not ready to make the decision yet, and it is absolutely fine to delay it a bit. Your ovaries are not going to explode overnight.
You mentioned grieving a loss. Have you got through the grieving process for having a career-ending illness yet? It is huge. I was diagnosed with ME in my first year of uni back in 1997, and I should have dropped out immediately. Only no one told me how serious the illness is, they told me I just had to pull myself together, so what did I do? Spend the next eight years trying to finish my degree, and eventually get kicked out
Getting better at managing your illness combined with childrearing doesn't sound like it'll have you performing opera again, but it could mean you manage teaching from home once your kid's bigger, something like that. You don't have to lose your entire identity as a musician. Are you perhaps flinging yourself into childrearing in an attempt to compensate for losing that? Music is one of those things that really sinks into your core sense of self, I know. I was a busy musician until I got ill as well.
What you really don't want to end up doing is ending up running yourself into the ground, being unable to raise either child, perhaps going bankrupt depending on where you live and the financial situation, losing your partner (so many people can't cope with a chronically ill/disabled partner), there are lots of ways it could get bad. I don't know what your medical condition does to your life expectancy and if that's a thing, whether you've come to terms with it. I don't know how pregnancy affects your medical condition. I don't know if you could pass it down to your children, but there is always a chance that anyone could have a child who's ill or disabled.
It's not going to be easier if you have a second child, apart from the small things all parents get such as having more knowhow the second time around. (Which can make a big difference if it's something like recognising that you have PND, that was pretty big for a friend of mine who had no idea what hit her the first time.) It's going to be harder. It may be a lot harder. How do you feel about returning to the stage where you get pretty much no sleep, for instance? It's also going to be a lot more expensive, and chronic illness eats money, especially when one of you can't work.
And there really is nothing wrong with being an only child! I know it's an emotional topic, but this has to be done on practicalities.
I'm not saying it can't be done, but good grief, please don't rush into something you can't do out of a sense of guilt at having had to give up your career!
If it's any help, I did eventually learn to adjust. I have an awesome partner, an adorable cat, hobbies, friends, lots of nice things going on in my life. There are friends coming round for board games later, weather permitting (Scotland's having a stormy few days), and I'll bake something for them, which is always enormous fun. I feel a lot more like an independent, fulfilled person these days. I also got away from the people in my life who were telling me I was a failure, that made a huge difference.
I’m really glad that the Parisian Toasties made it OK. Stay safe. I hope that Muslims and POC in France, and come to that Europe, remain safe too.
I'm really glad that the Parisian Toasties made it OK. Stay safe. I hope that Muslims and POC in France, and come to that Europe, remain safe too.
Rat bedding smell in the kitchen? Ouch. We just get the fragrance of the weed the neighbours are smoking wafting up into the bathroom. I'm pretty sure they're not smoking it in their bathroom, it's tiny and has no window, but old buildings, what can you say.
I've heard stuff like that too. My dad has high blood pressure and likes licorice and I've been like STAY AWAY.
Is there anything you collect? I recently realized I've been kind of unintentionally building up a nice collection of tarot decks, and every once in a while I look for something to add.
Toasts! If anyone would like to keep up with our honeymoon shenanigans, you can visit MrChouffe’s Flickr account to see photos! We are having fun! Monterey is amazing! Yesterday was whale-filled!
Hamiltoasts! It’s FunHam!
http://m.playbill.com/news/article/watch-fun-home…
Me too, I used to get 5-10 per month and since I've started taking magnesium I'm down to two A YEAR. That stuff is magical.
Late reply because I'm just now reading the OT on a Monday, but I was a child with migraines. I get auras so it was pretty obvious that something was wrong, but my brother also got headaches all the time without an aura and I'm convinced they were migraines. Nobody who worked in my school knew what to do when I suddenly had vision problems, so that was a nightmare.
A note on the headache journal suggestions: this can be super helpful so you should do it, but also be prepared if you don't find any correlation. I haven't found what causes mine despite getting them for 20 years and keeping a journal, even though mine are definitely migraines and I'm on prescription medication for them.
Congratulations! I'm in the process of putting down a deposit for my wedding venue, virtual high five!
My family has a tradition where my sister and I bake a coffee cake on Christmas morning while our parents are out doing chores (since animals wait for no holiday), and we always use the same recipe: the Pecan Toffee Coffee Cake from In the Sweet Kitchen, which you can find here http://katieatthekitchendoor.com/2013/04/08/pecan…. It's unspeakably delicious–the filling is a little fiddly, what with not letting it touch the sides of the pan, but the key is not feeling compelled to use all of it.