Chanukah cake in Xmas colors for everyone! Let’s talk about something nice. Like how amazing Supersizers Go is. Also how to watch older seasons of the Great British Bake Off? Teach The Bartender!! And open-thread, slightly earlier today!
Bargain Bin is up at 1pm, don’t miss it!
Early cat thread! Since i am still at work (it”s 4pm here) and off to bleed into a bag in return for custard creams in a bit.
Captain making sure his foot doesn’t excape before he’s finished washing his toes.
And Saffron demonstrating why one should put towels away immediately.
I gave blood for the first time last month. I was really nervous beforehand but in the event it was totally fine. How do you find it?
I am fine until the end when they’re labelling stuff and doing the finishy-up bits – as soon as the clamp is on and it’s done I just want it OUT OF MY ARM NOW NOW NOW so I do have to grit my teeth and sit still for that bit.
It’s not a particularly pleasant experience, the sensation of the warmth from the tube that they tape to your arm weirds me out a bit, but it’s not something I could stop doing.
The warmth is very offputting.
I donated yesterday (for the 20th time, apparently? I got a mug) and it kicked my ass in a way it usually doesn’t. But even that was largely fine, it just mean I didn’t have a particularly productive day at work.
I’ve had a few dodgy reactions – once it was all fine until I stood up and went to get biscuits, and halfway across the room my arm started spraying blood everywhere. Since then I am very careful with a lot of plasters and pads! Mostly I just have a dehydration headache the next day.
That happened to my boyfriend! He was given the all-clear, went over to the snack table to sit down, and as he put his weight on his arm while sitting down it started spraying blood. Hilariously (sort of), the person next to him fainted at the sight of it, so all the staff who rushed over just went to deal with them and just chucked a thing of kitchen roll at him.
Most of the time my blood donation sessions have been completely fine, but a couple recently have been weird: first I had one in which they hit a nerve (ow), and then the next time I donated I almost fainted when I went to get up afterwards. (The staff member with me said my face had just gone completely white; I got tipped straight backwards in the fancy chairs they have and got to lie there with my feet higher than my head for a while.) Thankfully, my last session was fine – I barely felt the needle go in.
I always have to get tipped backwards, and last time the apple juice wasn’t cutting it (and for some reason the brand of bottled apple juice they have smells like bananas, which I do not enjoy) so the nurse got me a Coke and said “next time, just go straight for the Coke”
My body is fine up until they hit the full pint, and then I am DONE
I have never seen Coke at NHS-run donation sessions – it’s mainly weak orange or lemon squash. I’m missing out.
I have been fine every other time, which was what made it so weird – I started preparing to stand up and suddenly felt my vision greying out a bit and felt very sick. Not fun.
Yeah, they don’t normally have it at the ones in the US, it’s strictly juice and cookies. But I usually donate at work, and my office has free fountain sodas, which is where the nurse got it from.
I was impervious to it as a kid but I can’t do it any more. My physical aversion to needles has gotten worse as I’ve grown older – good old vasovagal response.
Yep. Immensely proud that I dragged my tiny-veined, fainting, occasionally blood-spraying body through 10 donations, then decided that it wasn’t worth the stress on me or the nursing staff to continue.
Oliver is very comfy.
Supersmug happycat
His folded feets!
Giant cartoon eyes:
Oh my goodness!
I hope you gave him whatever he was begging for here!
Was this taken just before he pounced on a dangly thing? My cat only looks like that when he’s seriously overexcited and possibly murderous.
This time he was just staring up at me and meowing. Demanding pets, or probably more likely, treats.
He’s got the Puss in Boots eyes from Shrek!!! So cute…
So cute! Mine does the big eyes thing all the time, but he just looks like a weird little gremlin when he does it
ADORABLE little gremlin!
A+ Gremlin face.
MOXIE! You are the best gremlin, yes you are.
I totally thought “bleeding in a bag in return for custard creams” was a weird new description for “being nice to someone you don’t like because it’s their birthday and they’re handing out sweets”.
It turned out, my brain was the one acting weird.
Both your cats have amazing expressions in these pictures!
You guys, Atticus’s behavior has improved so much over the past month. He is still a little shit but he hasn’t been sent to cat time-out in over a month!
What a good boy.
What a little cuddle-butt.
Thank you for being a blood donor!
Sleepy cat on couch:
I am on time and have a cat picture for once!
Now, one might look at this and assume that Ascher (the gray cat) was snuggling a blanket when her sister Anise (with white legs) crept up and snuggled Ascher. And that might have happened! But from my observation, it is equally likely that Anise was snoozing in the curve of the blanket when Ascher plopped ungracefully onto her head, which she was then obliged to rearrange more comfortably. Either way, Anise loves to cuddle and is obviously delighted to make a pillow of her sister.
Cat butt pillow is best pillow!
FYI: i live for the cat pics in the Open Thread and will always like every cat pic always and forever. than you all for having cats for me to like <3
Here is Gilgamesh, the stray that my roommates and I rescued earlier in the year. Unfortunately we couldn’t keep him- college dorms are not the ideal place for any cats, especially ones who don’t like loud noises but do love to run around all day. We brought him to a shelter and he was adopted just two days after he was moved from intake to officially up for adoption. Which is great and unsurprising given how damn cute and sweet he was!
Here’s my bb Merlin being her witchy self:
WHAT A BABY! What ears! What fluff! A witchcat if ever there was one.
I’m in LOVE with her ears. This was from a few weeks ago so she’s grown since, but her ears remain as large as ever <3
She has the best ears ever.
I was away for 10 days taking care of my mother, and since I’ve gotten back, every time I stand up, one of the cats is immediately sitting in my seat, with an attitude of WON’T LET GO:
Florrie:
Nellie:
They are both ADORABLE.
That is their job, and they take it very seriously.
Feline Julie Andrews is being… like this.
One of my housemates is moving out. Klaas-Jan Huntelaar decided to claim one of her moving boxes.
Book thread!
Career of Evil is amazing! I am so sad there won’t be another Cormoran Strike volume waiting for me when I’m finished with this one.
What are you reading, Toasties?
I’m in the middle of Liar Temptress Soldier Spy and I’m really enjoying it, though I don’t get why all of the four women it focuses on are white.
I haven’t had a lot of time to read it, so I’m going to buckle down and finish it this weekend.
I’ve been disappointed by books that were probably good but I just wasn’t in the mood for this week, sigh. So instead I’m reading “Royal Flush” which is the third in the “Royal Spyness” mystery series by Rhys Bowen. Impoverished royalty and queens and kings and princes and mysteries and sass! I’d be more excited by I’m worried by what I read of the summary that it might not appeal this time around. (It seems like the character is gonna be ‘saved’ by her on-again-off-again male flirt-friend from some handsy fellow/attempted rape… for the SECOND time. I’m so tired of that trope.)
I’m reading those too! Just started Heirs & Graces (skipped Royal Flush & the Christmas one–put in a library hold so I’l get them eventually). I like them well enough but I completely agree with your criticism–Darcy ex machina is a little much especially when you read them back to back. And enough with the “I’m a blushing virgin, won’t someone save me from this savage man.” That said I demand a Miss Fisher-esque tv show of this series immediately.
I’m all for the occasional stereotypical “guy saving the damsel in distress” thing to get my inner 13-year-old swooning, but I like it with some balance, you know? Him saving her, her saving him. Equality! While in every other way I find Georgiana very appealing (she’s so determined and stubborn and she doesn’t want to be married off and she pretends to be a MAID just so she can earn some money and not have to live at home and I love that!), the writing with her and Darcy just seems to bass-ackwards in comparison, you know? Why is he constantly saving her from rough men, why can’t she save herself for once? Ugh.
But yes can you imagine a TV show? Not just Georgie who would be great but BELINDA, oh my gosh.
I just bought the new collection of short stories by Clarice Lispector. It is more than past time that I read her stuff in depth.
I realized recently that while I always thought I was a character in a Bronte novel, I’m really a character in a Lispector short story. Let’s hope I’m not the hen who gets killed and eaten, though. 🙂
I am reading Devil in White Van for a book club and it is really interesting. I’m enjoying it a lot, though I would like to know a bit more of what is going on and the over arching plot. Still, it is good.
Also, amusingly, no one in my book club knew that John Darnielle was also the Mountain Goats, so that was fun to tell them.
I enjoyed the book, and thought that most of the loose ends were tied up in a satisfying way– not all of them, that wouldn’t be fun–but enough that you don’t feel cheated as a reader.
I enjoyed that book so much even though it was pretty bleak. It’s told in reverse chronological order, which made the plot easier for me to follow once I figured that out.
I was in a weird mood and didn’t want to read anything new yesterday, so I read The Wind in the Willows and it was a great decision.
I love a good comfort read. There are days for me when nothing but Anne Of Green Gables will do.
A Wrinkle in Time is my comfort read. <3 Meg & Calvin <3
I’m finally done with A Brief History of Seven Killings, which was quite good but difficult to get through. I followed that up by basically slurping down Slade House, and now I’m about 1/4 of the way through Miranda July’s The First Bad Man which is unsurprisingly very strange but quite interesting.
Oooh, and the boy got me Step Aside, Pops!.
Argh, I feel like I’m not in the right place in my life for Seven Killings. It’s just too…idk this is stupid given the title, but just too violent and heavy for me right now. I might return to it later.
I’m excited about snagging a copy of Slade House though, I was legitimately bummed for a few days after I finished The Bone Clocks because it was over, so I’m very glad that it’s kind of a sequelish.
I am reading City on Fire, which, despite the backlash to the hype and a bit of a dude-centric vibe, I’m quite enjoying. It feels like a complement to The Flamethrowers, which is fanfucktastic and (I think) relevant to Toast interests.
I am so close to finishing Wheel of Time I have about 300 pages left of the final book, but it’s taking me forever. I bore easily of battle scenes, and this whole book is just one big battle, so it’s slow going.
In other news, I also read Neil Gaiman’s Trigger Warning and Marissa Meyer’s Fairest this week. Levanna is deliciously evil and twisted and rides a nice line of never seeing herself as evil, even as it’s obvious to everyone around her. She’s just spoiled and sheltered enough for it to work.
You can do it! But yeah, there’s actually 200 pages of that one chapter with all the combat. :/
I’m about 1/3 into that right now. So close to the end, but so far
Finally getting around to “A Little Life” and hoo boy, I can tell I’m in for quite a book. Girding my loins, etc.
I just bought that book. I have already read it, but I wanted to own it. I don’t know when I’ll have the courage to attempt a reread, but it needed to be on my bookshelf.
I am reading Vaclav Havel’s memoirs (To The Castle and Back). The format is a bit hard to follow – it’s a mishmash of old memos from his time in office, excerpts from an interview (or multiple interviews?) he did with a Czech journalist, and “present-day” writing from a visit to the States in the 2000s. But I persevere because it’s full of delightful tidbits like:
“The idea of not drinking beer or wine with a meal is hard to contemplate. Drinking water with meals reminds me of my years in prison.”
Like, water with dinner? What’s next, forced labour in a uranium mine? Take this away and bring me a nice Pilsner!
There was also a great memo in which he berated his staff for going to the red light district in Bangkok during a state visit to Thailand. “I consider it unfortunate that almost all of my delegation, with the minister of finance in the lead, ventured into these places, and that moreover they took pictures of each other there. What the Thai king thought about it I don’t know.”
I have a minor obsession with Vaclav Havel – he’s a playwright who became a president, how cool is that?! – and read To the Castle and Back when I was studying abroad in Prague. The most surprising part to me was how casual he was about having an affair when his wife of many years was dying of cancer. Obviously everybody knew, and it seems like him and his wife had more of a political partnership than a romantic marriage, but the fact he choose to very casually mention it in his memoir without apologizing for it was startling to me. Also I’d recommend giving his plays a try. They are extremely weird, but really good!
I’m about 3/4 done with Come As You Are, which is amazing and fascinating and I really recommend it with the caveat that it’s about and for cis women, at least according to the author, who states at the beginning that this is mainly due to a lack of research on trans folks and nonbinary folks. That sucks, and I hope that there’s enough research done to write a whole new book in a couple years, but in the meantime, I really think a lot of the book is relevant to a lot of people, and you don’t need to be a cis woman to get a lot out of her discussions on sexual inhibition/excitement, responsive desire, shame and disgust, etc.
oh, Emily Nagoski’s book! I still need to read it!!
When I was at Smith she did Friday tea q&a sessions with my house at least once a semester, and they were always FASCINATING. Sometimes silly and sometimes more serious, but I got a lot out of them & have been meaning to pick up her book for a while now. Thank you for the reminder!
I’m reading the No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency books (on number 3 right now)! I think they are probably in the ‘cozy mystery’ genre? They have a lot of little details about everyday life in Botswana and they make me miss living in Tanzania- the characters in the book are so proud of their country and confident that they’re going to do great things, and that was the vibe I got off my Tanzanian neighbors, too.
They are indeed cozy and enjoyable books!
Did you ever see any of the HBO adaptation? I really enjoyed that as well, mostly because Jill Scott is radiant as Mma Ramotswe and Anika Noni Rose portrays Mma Makutski exactly as I imagined her.
Ahhh, those books are such comfortable and cozy reading. They’re just nice. I lost interest towards the middle/end of the series (there’s a lot of them) but the first half dozen or so were just sweet and great.
I read Court of Fives earlier this week, and I’m about midway through Fangirl now. I’m slightly bummed because right before I started Fangirl, I happened to run across a tumblr post with a one-line grumble about how Rainbow Rowell had seriously messed up the portrayal of Asian characters in another book, so I started reading Fangirl with this weird background feeling of “Oh no, I shouldn’t be reading this book noncritically, the author did something racist!”
oh, I hate that feeling, especially if I can’t quite remember what the person is problematic for! Fangirl is so charming though, I bet it will overpower the weirdness.
I know what book and what characters you’re talking about. Ashamed to admit I did not pick up on the bits this criticism references when I read the book proper. I originally typed a longer response to this but ultimately deleted it. So I’ll just say this: the racism I think falls under the ‘unthinking/casual racism’ umbrella. Definitely something she should be criticized for, but given what I’ve seen of her on tumblr and twitter, she’s progressive enough that I personally am willing to continue reading her books. That said, I think all the characters in Fangirl are white, so you’re unlikely to encounter that issue here.
Thank you! I had heard nothing but good things about her and her work, but this is the first book of hers I’ve actually read.
Just finished “Planetfall” at Roxane Gay’s recommendation, and hoooo boy, it was amazing. It was really unsettling and beautiful.
Did you like the ending? I enjoyed 99% of the book but felt pretty let down at the ending.
I’ve seen a few other folks say that online. I was fine with the ending, but also I’ve only just finished it, so as I continue to stew, I may change my mind. It did feel a bit abrupt.
I plowed through (and enjoyed) the latest Tanya Huff novel, An Ancient Peace (Torin Kerr & company are back for a new series!). Now I’m back to romance, reading the Toast-recommended new Tessa Dare novella, with the new Courtney Milan queued up. Meanwhile, I’m audio-booking Cryoburn in preparation for the new Vorkosigan novel coming out next year.
We share a bookshelf! I’m glad to hear the new Torin Kerr holds up – I liked the first three a LOT. I Have Courtney Milan queued as well.
Before that I was rereading a pile of C.J. Cherryh, starting with Pride of Chanur and sliding off into human space with Downbelow and then probably Rimrunner. They are all so fierce and could be so grim, and yet they feel important and redemptive somehow.
Ooh, I’m so torn about Career of Evil because I’m a wuss about disturbing/violent content but I really liked the first two and it’s gotten such good reviews.
I read Margo Jefferson’s memoir Negroland this past weekend and it was great. It was located so concretely in a particular time and place (upper class mid-century black Chicago), but flared out to encompass US history more broadly and narrowed in to look at really personal stuff around identity construction and did all of it really well.
Also read Elizabeth Gilbert’s novel The Signature of All Things and enjoyed it until late in the book when it went off the rails a bit. An interesting exercise in finding out what I do and don’t enjoy in the intersection of fiction and history of science.
Well, I kind of feel like there can’t be much worse than the second one, but I’m only a third in so maybe something else will happen?
I’m reading The Black Swan by Nassim Nicholas Taleb; which is about large impact, improbable and unpredictable events, in a philosophy/economic framework. I think it is, anyway? I feel a little over my head.
AND I just finished Let’s Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson.
I also started The Black Swan recently! Agreed that it is kind of difficult, but honestly his theory seems like you can apply it to, well… most major life events, which is why I think it’s a useful read.
It seemed familiar from a Malcolm Gladwell book too (I find Gladwell VERY readable) – and found it just now – “Blowing Up” from What the Dog Saw.
The section I just read last night was about turkeys? And how Thanksgiving slaughter is a black swan for the turkey; who would predict that a year of delicious feedings meant a lifetime of delicious feedings; but not unpredictable for the farmer and butcher.
So… I think that points to the necessity of broadening our knowledge beyond our own perspective, or at least keeping in mind that we don’t know what we don’t know.
Yeah, it’s definitely about “we don’t know what we don’t know” and also very much about “pattern recognition is a wonderful skill that serves you right up until it doesn’t.”
I have not read Black Swan…but I read Fooled by Randomness because it was recommended by my fiancée. And I thought Taleb was full of it…don’t feel over your head. The points he made were valid, but FAR simpler than the explanations he gave. Honestly I felt like he was illustrating simple concepts with really complicated examples so he could sound smart. I could fully summarize each chapter in like two sentences. I got the impression that the book might have a been a stellar New Yorker article but his publisher was like, “Give me 250 more pages.” My fiancée agreed with me.
Ah, thank you!
*hugs comment to my chest*
Sometimes I still mistake incoherent with over my head.
Rebecca Solnit has a new book of essays out, which I have picked up this week! It is formatted as an encyclopedia, in that it’s got essays for every letter from A-Z, and I intend to stay in this night with a huge pot of tea, my book, and all the blankets.
Oh my goodness! That’s gotta go onto my list.
I started reading Shards of Honour by Lois McMaster Bujold. I haven’t read any of the Vorkosigan series before. So far I like it – I realised I’ve actually never read a romance novel before, which was probably why I kept thinking “this reminds me of fanfiction?” (not in a bad way). I like the concept of Military Space Opera Romance novels.
You are in for so many treats. I love the Vorkosigan Saga more than probably any other series and am starting to think about a re-read. It does get less romance-y and more action-y in the future books, though. But still so good.
I read this two weeks ago and it reminded me VERY much of fanfic, in a good way.
Allegedly it did start life as Star Trek fanfiction! Aral was a Klingon and Cordelia was a Starfleet officer.
Omg, seriously?! That’s hilarious and kind of awesome. 😀
Does it remind you of fanfic because the main character is a woman, and gloriously competent and the romance partners meets as equals?
I ask because I read it when it first came out in 1986 and it felt revolutionary and amazing and I loved it SO HARD – truthfully all the subsequent books about Miles I read mostly to hear how Cordelia is doing.
That’s definitely a large part of it! It still feels kind of revolutionary now, or at least rare, to have a romantic plotline where both people treat each other as equals.
Just finished Lila Bowen’s Wake of Vultures which features a delightfully cranky biracial genderqueer heroine who discovers monsters exist by killing one and sets out on a life of killing what needs to die. I will read all about Nettie Lonesome any time.
Also recently read: Illuminae by Amie Kaufman and Jay Kristof; for a YA multi-media style book that comes off as a hybrid of Battlestar Galactica, 2001: A Space Odyssey, and The Walking Dead with a dash of Aliens, it shouldn’t have worked but was actually super readable.
Was it? I am very interested to hear this as I’ve read other stuff by Amie Kaufman and liked it so I’ve been eyeing this book lately and wondering whether to read it (my library does not have it, so I would have to buy it, hence my hesitation).
It’s also set up as an electronic epistolary novel which I’m a sucker for. I haven’t read anything else by her but would do so based on the strength of this. Are there any books of hers you’d recommend as a starting point?
Ok, so the computer I’m on is oddly not showing my response nor your response to mine, so I’ll just respond to your other comment on this one.
The only other books I’ve read by her are a trilogy and are also co-written (but with someone else: Meagan Spooner). In order, they are: These Broken Stars, This Shattered World, This Night So Dark (short story set between 2 and 3), and Their Fractured Light. The books are all space he said-she said first person narration romances. In the first the two characters are the only survivors of a spaceship disaster and are stuck on an uninhabited and hostile planet together. I really liked the first, while the others are decent but definitely not as good. The first book works fine as a standalone so if you want you can read the first and skip the rest.
Thanks, I’ll definitely check the first one out!
Thank you for the Bowen rec – I’ve been looking for something new. Did you catch Elizabeth Bear’s Karen Memory? If you had fun in a steampunk and magical American West, if might appeal.
Yes, I have read Karen Memory! If you liked it you’ll probably like Wake of Vultures.
I have been on an Anne McCaffrey binge. Reading the Freedom series right now. And I have to say, I might be pretty close to done with Anne McCaffrey. She was my intro to sci-fi, really and I love a lot of her world-building. But for fuck’s sake I really wish she would stop doing things like ‘oh whoops I got very drunk around this attractive man and I’m pregnant AGAIN? What an amusing thing to have happen.’
i’m rereading bell hooks’ “feminism is for everybody” and attacking it with a highlighter to lend to the guy i’ve been seeing. it’s fun rereading it and i’m hoping he’ll…at least find it illuminating?
Just finished the Nexus trilogy which I greatly enjoyed.
I started the first in the Parasitology series by Mira Grant but couldn’t get past the sort of stilted writing and stopped. The concept seemed good though. I then started the Night Vale book but also am on the fence about it, they seem to rely on the same rhythm and patterns too much, it works for the podcast but is a bit much in novel form.
I think I will instead start the weird story compilation “She Walks in the Shadows”, which is all weird tales by women authors. I have it in paper form and forgot to grab it today.
I’m reading the Night Vale book right now and had a hard time getting into it, but I thought it was because I haven’t listened to the podcasts. It did seem to pick up after a bit though maybe I just started ignoring the weird-stylistic bits.
Yeah it’s written just like the podcast, which is fine in smaller bits and voiced, but gets old in a long format.
I can finally participate in this because I read something other than fanfic this week! I’m using my convalescence to read Maggie Stiefvater’s Raven Cycle (I feel like an asshole for not reading them already, tbh). I finished The Raven Boys yesterday and am on chapter three of The Dream Thieves right now. YA lit FTW.
I liked those so much! I can’t wait for the fourth.
Yay! If you like Maggie’s style, have you read her crit partner (and, full disclosure, my BFF) Tessa Gratton‘s stuff?
I have not! Where should I start? (Also, I was wondering why you felt like an asshole–it makes more sense now.)
If you like horror-and-a-bit-of-kissing, start with her first two, Blood Magic and the sequel The Blood Keeper. If you like alternate realities with Norse Gods and not-always-likeable-or-redeemable teenage girls (my fave), go with her United States of Asgard series (and three novellas).
Pee Ess, I’m not usually a name-dropper, but it was kind of cool to see this show up on Maggie’s tumblr last week. From an old 365-portrait project I did several years ago:
That’s so cool!
Hope you are well, I have been thinking about you all week!
I just sped through Mira Grant’s new mermaid novella. It was SO GOOD. But way too short, I would read an entire trilogy of it.
I’m reading “Killing a King: The Assassination of Yitzhak Rabin and the Remaking of Israel,” by Dan Ephron, which is really interesting but I wish I knew more about the history of Israel/Palestine or was reading on a iPad so I could easily google stuff. He gave an incredible interview on This American Life, which is why I bought the book.
I’m reading Courtney Milan’s newest romance novel, and it’s great!
I read In Your Dreams by Kristan Higgins. I got it because I thought it was going to be Christmas-y, but it was actually just wintery. It was still really good, and I’m excited to read more by her. Also, I live in upstate NY, so it was exciting to read something set in the Finger Lakes.
I also read Ally Hughes Has Sex Sometimes and I don’t know how I feel about it. I suppose it’s good there exists fiction about female professors having sex with their literally movie star attractive students as a counterpoint to all of the male wish fulfillment out there, but it did nothing for me. I kept waiting for some kind of twist or turn.
Modern Live by Aziz Anzari was super fascinating but I wanted more in depth info-‘i wish I could have gone to one of the focus groups. Did anyone else go?
Gotta give my weekly Possession by A. S. Byatt report. When we last met, I had finally gotten invested in the story, and was optimistic about finishing. Now, I am… maybe 1-3 chapters from the end (not sure how much of it will be appendices) and it is once again a slog. All the characters are terrible and I do not care which way the plot resolves, but the blurbs on the back assure me that the end is satisfying. I’m not sure I trust them.
I hope that next time I comment in the book thread, I will have finished this blasted multi-year project.
Ha, I bought that book years ago and I ended up just skimming to get to all the sexy/romantic parts.
I read that a few years ago because it seemed to be a requisite for pseudo-intellectual English majors like me. All of the characters are joyless nothings and I really dislike Byatt as a person, so…yeah. I did not enjoy the book at all. But since you’ve made it this far, keep going. You might enjoy it (lots of people do). If you don’t, it’s easier to successfully bash a book if you finished it.
I mean, I’ll be damned if I don’t finish it at this point, it’s been in progress for 3 years (reading a lot of other books simultaneously, of course) and that’s just an awful lot of years to sink on a book without completing it. Give me a couple more months.
just read Finding Audrey (Sophie Kinsella’s YA novel) yesterday. It took about 2 hours to read, which is a good thing (fast & funny like her adult books!) and a bad thing (felt like it cut shoulda-been-longer story arcs short).
read Painted Hands a few days ago and also devoured it in a single evening, but that was the stay-up-past-bedtime kind of one-day read. recommended if “chick lit about Islam and politics” sounds up your alley!
gonna start A Brief History of Seven Killings next, am pretty excited for it!
I just started The Price of Salt and I am just. Heart eyes heart eyes heart eyes.
Eee that’s on my Christmas list! It’s taken everything I have the last few weeks to be patient and wait instead of just running out and buying it myself
Just started The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet, by Becky Chambers (of prior The Mary Sue fame). It seems written by and for someone who likes Star Trek and Mass Effect as much as I do, so I think this is gonna go pretty damn well.
I just started Lucy Parker’s Act Like It (rec’d by ppyajunebug last week, I believe) and am also sort of listening to Elisabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic while labeling 1000 holiday card envelopes at work.
I’m actually rereading The Silkworm, having read Career of Evil just last month. I have to say I was a little disappointed by it? Something about the way the investigation went forward just didn’t do it for me, so I decided to reread my favorite one of the bunch. Maybe it’s because The Silkworm is about publishing, something JK has to be super knowledgeable about now, it feels more alive to me. Also I work in publishing so like, I and everyone else in this industry love to read about ourselves.
I just finished How To Be A Victorian again (prompted by a comment thread earlier int he week.) I’m slowly reading Steles of the Sky, interspersed with less fraught things to calm down a bit! I think I need to reread some cozy mysteries, or something.
That Career of Evil cliffhanger though! Dammit Rowling!
(but bless her for insulting Trump on twitter)
BUT DAMMIT ROWLING.
This weekend I am reading Gloria Steinem’s new book because I AM INTERVIEWING HER NEXT WEEK AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
What?!
I read Attachments by Rainbow Rowell – I think half the people who read it think it’s cute, and half the people think the reading-their-emails set up is too creepy to get behind. Honestly I had a lot of sympathy for it because I’m such a shameful nosy parker that the Terrible Thing the main character does is 100% something I would do in that position.
I was just thinking about re-reading Attachments! I loved it and I thought Rowell did such a good job of writing the characters that it wasn’t a deal-breaker to me at all (but I would definitely have done the same thing).
I was in the mood for a comfort read, so I’ve been re-reading Bill Bryson’s Notes from a Small Island. I really liked it when I was younger and feeling disillusioned about where I lived. It’s still an entertaining read, though some of the rants are a bit too curmudgeonly and tedious for me these days.
Apparently Bill Bryson has a sequel of sorts coming out…
I am halfway through a comfort-reread of that too. He is fairly nice about where I live!
The front cover of the new book depicts the landscape on the edge of my hometown; hopefully if he writes about it he will be nice.
Currently reading The Talented Mr Ripley. Read Strangers on a Train a couple months ago (which was my first time reading Patricia Highsmith).
Liking it so far but tbh part of me just wishes I were reading The Price of Salt, which I put on my Christmas list 🙂
I was going to throw this in the Link Roundup, but I may as well just leave it here:
Someone in the Canadian federal government keeps editing Wikipedia articles about the band Rush
Oh, Canada.
I like to think this is someone who was horribly offended by the Conservatives’ notion of Canadian heritage (wars, wars, war of 1812, wars, battles, guns, wars) and decided to tackle our national identity one Wikipedia article at a time.
Ah, I love this.
Well, that’s a new way for the government to support the arts!
CanCon in action 😉
this is the best.
My money’s on Trudeau.
You guys, there are so many gems in the “favorite nostalgic-but-embarrassing” christmas song thread earlier today that I’ve been putting them in a spotify playlist, along with some other modern christmas tunes. I now have the weirdest christmas playlist ever, and I love it.
https://open.spotify.com/user/bbsql/playlist/2qNU…
I’m listening right now and it’s pretty awesome! Thank you for taking the time to assemble this 🙂
…I didn’t realise Raffi’s Christmas album is on Spotify. Thank you.
[rushes off]
omg ‘Christmas in Killarney’ is on spotify, this is THE BEST
Hi, everyone! What a lovely treat!
Let’s talk about treats. What is your favorite treat? Not necessarily favorite food treat, but treat-yourself treat: long baths, new hardcover books, a facial…? What’s your go-to method of making yourself feel taken care of and loved?
Me, I’m a firm believer in new sheets. New pillows if feeling extra-splurgy.
Spending at least two hours in a bookstore drinking a mocha and reading graphic novels.
nice meal at a restaurant I enjoy. Either by myself with a good book, or a small group of friends/ my gf. That or going to a coffee shop with a book.
Driving. I will just get in my car and drive, but I haven’t done it in a while. It seems to have been easier when I lived in OK/TX/places with long, barren stretches of road where I didn’t have to live in constant vigilance because moose.
Driving! Yes! I had to take a break after renting like four cars in a two-week period to help someone move, but I got a rental again last week and it was so nice. Even downtown driving makes me feel great.
Driving is THE BEST! I live in a big city now and no longer have a car, but when I lived in Arizona I adored driving aimlessly around the desert while listening to good music.
GURL We are arranging a road-trip meetup if I ever get my Chevelle running.
I am 100% down for this. Road trips are my jam.
I know we were talking about New England on a different thread and I don’t want to sound like a broken record, but man do I miss driving in New England, except for the moose.
When I moved from way way northern NH, I took 91 and it was just gorgeous. I had been overseas for a year and had really missed the trees and mountains of home and it was such a relief.
And then I got to Connecticut.
I feel that way about Rt 91 a lot.
Such a great question.
Blending my own herbal tea, eating a bar of flavored dark chocolate very slowly, buying a cute new notebook, taking a long walk in the park where all I have to pay attention to is trees, greenery, squirrels, birds (I live in the city, it’s necessary therapy).
And of course, gaping at strangers’ dogs for so long that someone has mercy and lets me hang out with theirs.
This is a little cliche, but I really like doing my own nails on gloomy days. It feels really meditative and also super indulgent, just because it takes so long and I rarely devote that amount of mindful time (meaning, not constantly telling myself all the better things I could be doing with my time) just paying attention to myself.
I really like going to a fancy restaurant by myself and just getting a cup of soup or an appetizer and a glass of wine and reading for a while. It’s a nice way to pamper myself without completely breaking the bank.
Yep, this is mine too. Especially if it is happy hour and I can just sit alone at the bar with my drink and appetizer and book/tablet.
This is a favorite that I have not done in AGES. Maybe this weekend…
Lounging around, listening to rekkids, either with or without a good book.
This time of year it’s hot chocolate. And I’m not talking the instant stuff where you mix in hot water. I gently heat milk (possibly with some cream tossed in because I’m a 2% girl) and add in cocoa mix to taste (my current favorite is King Arthur Flour’s–it’s sublimely chocolatey without being too sweet). While the cocoa is heating, I whip up cream with a bit of powdered sugar and (if I’m feeling extra decadent) a bit o’ booze. The cocoa is ladled into one of my special mugs, topped with an extra generous blob of whipped cream, showered in sprinkles, and then–as if all that were not enough–a candy cane and chocolate coin are used as garnish. (Both melt into the chocolate making it extra rich and minty.) I used to have a bottle of creme brulee liqueur that tasted like caramel and happiness, and I’d add that to the cocoa, but I am out and cannot get it here in New Mexico. Still, straight cocoa with lots of goodies on top is plenty for me and always makes me feel super fancy, but also warm and safe like when I was a little kid at Christmas.
WOW. You are living your best life!
Thanks! The first time I made it for my (now) husband he was like, “Why is it taking you ten minutes to make hot chocolate and why is the hand mixer on? Why are there sprinkles? Do I really need a candy cane AND a coin?” Then he took a sip and instantly became hooked. 🙂
I melted just reading that. Wow, wonderful.
That sounds amazing! My go-to hot chocolate right now is a dark hot chocolate with a dash of cream and a shot or two of Grand Marnier. It’s so rich and orange-y and wonderful…
I have been tempted to add some Grand Marnier to my cocoa for some time, but had not tried it yet. I will definitely have to try it next time I whip up a batch of cocoa!
I like to cook a good dinner and listen to podcasts while drinking wine (and let’s be real I actually do this several times a week). I also buy myself new candles when I’m feeling low.
I actually love scented candles but my lovely spouse is allergic to EVERYTHING, alas. I have this amazing one I found in a shop in the Adirondacks, they’re made by a local person apparently, and they had a bunch and they all smelled AMAZING. The one I got really truly makes the house smell like apple pies and not fake apple pies, either, really like apples.
Adirondacks! I grew up in Central NY. I bet they are lovely candles.
I went to the Adirondacks for my honeymoon!
I have recently got really into scented candles – well, one scented candle. It’s made by some local aaartisan who hand-numbers each candle? I don’t know. And the scents are named after neighbourhoods, and the one we like smells like “leather” and “tobacco” and is just actually really nice, but is named after a neighbourhood that is a gentrified slum, and so smells like $8,000 handbags (leather!) and human feces in equal measure.
I recently spent $100 on these candles so we could have one in multiple rooms in our house.
I’m a juicebox! I just realized!
“hand-numbers each candle”
Peak hipster omg
I have a tobacco and patchouli candle that I should hate (I hate those scents in real life), but it is the most amazing in candle form.
I go out and get a burger and fries or a ton of dumplings and sit and watch Netflix while eating on the couch like a queen
“Diva” shower (since my tub isn’t big enough nor usually clean enough for a good soak) to include a facial mask (either sheet mask or homemade), exfoliating body scrub (def homemade), nail doing, hair mask, foot scrub, lots of fancy moisturizer, and the use of as many free samples from Sephora as I can manage. If I can have clean pajamas and clean sheets afterward, so much the better!
I do this too! I take a nice long bath in my teeny tiny tub with some short fiction, a face mask, and some kind of cocktail and then moisturize everything afterwards. I love the fancy moisturizer samples. I ever win the lottery I will probably blow it all on expensive moisturizers and face masks, and then still do all my skin treatments at home.
Yes! A bath with the lights off and candles and wine and my ipad tantalizingly and dangerously with me in the tub and some nice moisturisers.
If the hint of danger is not essential to the experience, you can always put the ipad in a ziploc for tub times.
I also enjoy something delicious and perhaps bubbly. Also, um…..I really enjoy the decadence of chowing down on an entire bag of jerky in the tub hahahahah!
Singing along to karaoke videos on Youtube. I only do this when I’m alone in the apartment, because I cry a lot when I sing. Super therapeutic.
Buying new pajamas and then wearing them while eating a tater tot pizza and drinking wine.
Tater tot pizza?! Where did you find this?
A bar near my old place used to serve them but now I make them myself. You just get a frozen pizza (I usually use Diogiorno’s because they’re thick and won’t get overpowered by the tot like say Home Run Inn would) and stick it in the oven at the same time as a tray of tater tots and then partway through baking, transfer the tots on top of the pizza and then cook the rest of the way. I usually throw a few extra tots in there to consume on their own as a redundant side dish because I am disgusting.
Politely but firmly turning down plans.
it feels so goooooooooooood
I like to smoke a bowl and take a long, hot bath with candles, and then put on really nice smelling lotion afterwards while my muscles are all loose and happy.
The Japanese spa! It’s something like $25 for 3 hours and I get to use the sauna, steam room, and pools. It’s so awesome.
These are also GREAT
Where do I find thissss (probably not in my city tbh but still, I must know)
I’m in the Bay Area, but just google Japanese or Korean spa in your city and see what comes up! Scandinavian spas are great too. Or sometimes you can find a Russian banya.
Baths! Nice long hot bath, with lots of lovely suds & salts & whatnot. Get in with a cocktail and a book. Maybe do a face masque, use good lotion when you get out. That’s the best–especially in the middle of the day on a Saturday or Sunday when you can get right into PJs after and just laze around.
Very hot baths, new nail polish, solo walks, lighting a fire (in a fireplace, not like, arson).
in a fireplace
Criminal charges are not a good treat, sadly.
I like to put on a face mask and do my nails while watching Heathers or Jupiter Ascending (my top feel-good movies).
Also, popcorn! I pop it in a frying pan and top it with melted Kerrygold butter, black truffle oil, and fleur de sel. My roommate says I’ve ruined her for the microwave stuff.
I strongly approve of your taste in movies.
Uhm YES, to melted Kerrygold and fleur de sel on homemade popcorn. I thought I was the only one!
My roommate makes hers with nutritional yeast and oil and I always feel like the indulgent weirdo who doesn’t want her popcorn to taste like fake cheese dust.
p.s. Also I’ve got to promote What If as my current favorite feel good movie 🙂
Kerrygold is the shit. Kerrygold is the butter to end all butters. I am a Kerrygold evangelist hellbent on converting everyone I know.
It’s at the point where my roommate and I keep three butters–salted regular, unsalted regular, and Kerrygold which house rules state is NOT FOR COOKING, ONLY FOR PUTTING ON THINGS WHERE YOU GET THE FULL FLAVOR OF IT (bread, popcorn, etc).
nice socks. new hardcover books. a little candy or a pastry. long walks by myself. cute underwear. going to ikea.
Oh Mylanta, I have been wanting to go to IKEA for MONTHS. I moved into a new apartment in August and while it’s mostly furnished, there are a few things I want.
I keep kicking myself for not taking advantage of the time when I worked a weird schedule and had Thursdays days off. I could have wandered around IKEA by myself for hours.
yes, loooove ikea. even though i’ve been living in the same place for 7 years, about twice a year i get antsy and want to go to ikea to buy a new shelf, or at least new towels or plates or something. i love just wandering through all the displays. they have bulk candy now! IKEA!
aand elderflower syrup for making your own limey soft drinks or (with a little gin or vodka) hard drinks! So good (and vaguely healthy)!
just went to IKEA to prepare for a friend’s visit in my new apartment and came home with the most amazing duvet with moose cartoons and primary colors, but not at all for kids, for adults — can’t really describe, but it was great! Also furniture in which I screw everything on in the wrong direction first before scratching my head, taking it apart and screwing it on the other way. The furniture is so great, actually, that my pet rabbit and I have been competing for whose what is — sometimes he is snuggly but he doesn’t always like to share space, so sometimes he tries to nudge me out of the way…and he is apparently a big IKEA fan (compared to other couches we have had in past)… NORSBORG!
haha i know it may be sunday morning, but i only read this comment now and it made me so happy! yes, this is yet another part of ikea that i love. yay for ikea!
I love going to bed early. It’s one of the things I do when I need to remind myself that my happiness and health are Important.
And in food treats: My lovely flatmate just brought me a delicious baked apple with custard. Yay!
New Cross pens. Right now Cross is having a BOGO sale, buy one get one, and I’ve chosen two pens to buy. Whether or not I actually do it, though, is another thing. But they’re so pretttttttty.
Ooooooh new Crane paperstock.
I’ve been treating myself a lot lately, though mainly with food. When i’m feeling spend-y, I usually grab a new lipstick, or a fancy face serum. I love taking long, hot showers (or baths, depending on the cleanliness of the tub) and exfoliating everything and then applying really nice lotion. Also doing a mask, painting my nails, doing yoga. Treats usually involve giving myself the time to take care of myself in whatever way I see fit.
Office supplies. A trip to Staples is always going to be a treat for me, because there’s no way I can resist shiny new binders/packs of no. 2 pencils/highlighters in every color of the rainbow.
You are speaking to my bed-centric soul so now I need to what’s your absolute favorite linens purchase?
My inner miser had been duking it out with my inner “spend-your-money-where-you-spend-your-time” for close to two years before I bit the bullet and spent a couple of car payments upgrading my linen situation to the closest to my Platonic ideal as this broken and sinful world could provide and it has improved my life immeasurably.
Apparently I’m not allowed to reply to this.
What linens did you get? I’ve been looking for some good sheets that are not tooooooo expensive.
I am also on the quest for The One True Mattress, and am thinking of trying this: http://openyoureyesbedding.com/
I bought their buckwheat/millet pillow to try it out and it is amazing.
MAKE BELIEVE: Something that I notice about myself, when I am emotionally healthy, is that I do a lot of beautiful things, and my ordinary actions seem lovely. I drink out of pretty tea cups and play an adult version of dress-up. I like to make believe that I am either a charming Parisian woman or Miss Fischer or a Jane Austen heroine or BBC renderings of the 18th century or that I’m an adult on Little House on the Prairie. A run to the super market becomes an outing in which I will put on a stripped shirt and black capris and look jaunty to buy baguette and fresh cut flowers for myself. I read with intent, I romanticism my own time in the kitchen, make my chores beautiful. I spray lavender oil around my apartment and arrange objects in little vignettes. It pulls me out of a slump, makes me more aware of myself.
ALSO FACEMASKS FOREVER. I starting putting on facemasks while doing 20 minutes of barre exercises when I wake up in the morning, which is just a nice transition between pretending to be a person who has their shit together, to becoming a real person who gives herself a daily clay mask and does self-guided ballet first thing in the morning.
Open thread an hour early? It’s a crimcram miracle!!
I was driving my dad to the hospital on Wednesday for his hand checkup (he’s doing very well, according to the ortho!) and we heard Christmas Wrapping ON THE RADIO, therefore signaling the beginning of the holiday season for me. I dragged my tree out of the closet and actually hung up lights on my balcony! And THEN I went to Target to get MORE FESTIVE and found this darling:
I haven’t named him yet, but I love him.
Oh! I saw him too and I wanted him but I think my husband thought I was joking? Please enjoy extra for me.
Glad to hear your dad is on the mend! This has been such a crappy year for dads! My friend’s dad has pneumonia and my other friend’s dad had some kind of terrifying hospital-acquired infection in his SPINE. Here’s hoping 2016 is better, dad-wise!
My dream is to have this tinsel T-Rex for all time. And to also have the tinsel pig as its friend.
My brother bought the Christmas Pig, which I didn’t know was a thing, so I was like, “wow dude nice pig” and he was like “WHY IS EVERYONE GIVING ME SHIT ABOUT THE PIG”
But yeah it’s pretty cute, do it man.
Christmas T-Rex!!!
We don’t have ours up yet, planning to this weekend.
This looks like Steve Buscemi undercover with the youngs. Please tell me he has a skateboard.
I love him too.
My fiancé has been coveting that T-Rex ever since we saw it right after Thanksgiving. Unfortunately we have the smallest of apartments with no real room for a festive dinosaur.
For some reason, this was the first year I really listened to all the lyrics to “Christmas Wrapping” and have been resisting the urge to illustrate the song now.
OH MY GOD THAT IS THE BEST CRIMCRAM DECORATION I’VE EVER SEEN
My housemates and I are currently debating whether to buy this or not. We already have a Dinosaur Comics whiteboard that I write the utility bills on, so we really could just run with the cheery T-Rex theme…
I am biased, but ABSOLUTELY YES.
Santasaurus Rex! That is amazing and wonderful, and you shopped well!
I am 6 months pregnant. This is a conversation I had with two adult human women yesterday:
Cashier: You look like you’re ready to pop! Are you- wait, I’m not going to say that, a lady yelled at me the other day. What are you having?
Me: A boy.
Cashier: Oh, a boy!
Cashier 2: Are you sure you’re not having twins?
(clearly this is what the other cashier refused to ask)
Me: Yes. I’m due in March.
Cashier: In March?! Are you sure no one is hiding in there?
(since I didn’t chew #2 out, it became “okay” to ask)
Cashier #1 is a tiny girl who is apparently pregnant & due in April and looks like she just had a big lunch.
This same conversation happened to me three times when I was pregnant with my daughter, all strangers, all women. Why do people think this is okay? People are awful.
Yes, people are SO awful. My second pregnancy was full of “You are due when?… Are you sure?” I actually had people catcall me “Any minute now!” when I was like 7 months along. And I yelled back “NOPE BUT THANKS FOR REMINDING ME!”
You have the patience of a saint.
I did not yell at any of the 5 people that have done this, and now I’m thinking that I should probably start.
I have gotten the incredulous “You’re due WHEN?” also, which sucks. I don’t mind answering questions about my pregnancy, I just mind when people are assholes.
5 people? Yeah, you have passed the Reasonable Human Standard for Tolerance of Rude People. Bring on the yelling. Or icy stares, however you roll.
Yes people are awful. I don’t have any constructive advice in the least, just an UGH in solidarity with you! I do not know what it is about pregnancy that compels people to share thoughts and opinions on someone’s body. I found it to be completely bizarre when pregnant with my own.
Also, are you sure you are not having twins I mean WHAT. No, I actually forgot I was, thank you for helping me to remember.
Oh no, I WAS having twins, but one of them ate the other.
I’m keeping this under my hat for future reference!
It’s a good thing I never intend to have children because I would jump straight to face-punching in situations like this.
I think most people are more willing to forgive violent outbursts when they come from a pregnant lady, but I could be wrong. I have not tested this theory.
UGHHHHH no that is terrible. Pregnant people are not public property, FFS. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this and I hope your pregnancy and labor and delivery all go smoothly for you!
Thanks! I ended up having to have a c-section with my first, so they’re going to cut this little guy out of me on March 10th; my first went really well, so I’m hoping this one will too!
Aaaaahhhhh you have my total empathy. I cannot fathom why people think it’s okay to make unsolicited comments on peoples’ bodies, pregnant or otherwise. Comments to me have mostly come from older women, like they’re allowed to say something because they gave birth, or think it’s maternal or cute to say “Wow, you’re huge!” It’s not.
I have lived this, and it is evil. I always wanted the perfect mean girl shade but never thought of a good, universal one. This is a perfect project for the toast hive mind.
Gross! Gross. Pregnant solidarity fistbump.
I’m as far along as you, but because I’m both fat and pregnant people aren’t quite sure about me. I get almost no comments, rude or otherwise, until I bring it up. 🙂
Oh hell. This is what we all have to look forward to?? 🙁 🙁 🙁 I’m going to go hibernate like a bear until august.
I feel for you. People are the worst. About 6 months into my first pregnancy, I had my husband make me a t-shirt that read, “Oct. 9. Boy. Yes, just one.”
Don’t tell my bestie, but after weeks of searching, I finally found my old fanfiction from when I was thirteen. I’m planning on printing them out and giving them to the BFF for Christmas, because we both delight in sharing embarrassing personal experiences with each other. The best part: when you abbreviate my pen name to its intials, it spells SJW!!!!!!!
I truly could not be more delighted, and I’m even considering finishing some of the unfinished ones, 15 years later. (Obviously they’ll be very different from what 13-year-old me was getting at, but I think it would be hilarious and fun.)
Do y’all ever go back and read things you wrote as a littler person? I, for one, was really surprised at how prolific I was at that particular time, and am actually kind of inspired by it. Less self-consciousness and inhibition in writing!
I have a box of the collected notebooks from my entire life that I hold in perpetual dread for that reason. I know I’ll do it one day … just, not yet.
I have this box too. In it is a novella that’s basically X-Files/Vampire Chronicles crossover fanfiction.
I really wish I had some of the stuff I wrote then! Somewhere at my parents house is a copy of the 50-page single-spaced story I wrote starring thinly veiled versions of me and my best friend set in 1875 where we were fine ladies who ran away from home to live in a boarding house and have adventures working as maids. You guys, I was SO super cool.
That sounds AMAZING.
Yeah, honestly, that’s way better than the very cringey, sappy stuff I unearthed. Sounds genuinely very cute.
I was looking through a box of my old stuff a couple of years ago and found a piece of loose leaf paper on which I had written a story called “The Rabbit and the Mouse” in maybe the 4th grade? This was the whole story:
Once upon a time, there was a rabbit and a mouse. They were best friends. Suddenly a fox came along. They were all best friends now! Until the fox ate them.
That’s a good story!!
I met my first boyfriend via my Harry Potter stories at Fanfiction.net when I was 14. I still remember every word.
In other terms, I sent a Facebook message to my husband the other day, and realized the last FB message I sent him was in 2007, and was a terrible poem about his messy kitchen.
There’s a local poetry group that regularly has nights where people read the stuff they wrote as kids and teens. It’s awesome.
I really wish I still had a particular story I wrote in 3rd grade and won a prize in class for! From what I remember it was fairly standard fantasy chosen-dude magic-sword stuff, but I really wish I could reread it bc I was so proud of it at the time! i won a prize! why didn’t I keep it?
my middle school diaries are full of shame and horror in a really put-on, affected cutesy voice. I have not gone back to them in a very long time…
I HAVE kept all my high school livejournal entries up, though.
My boyfriend has a story he wrote when he was about ten which is immensely generic high fantasy (lots of swords with names) and also hilarious. I am considering typing it up so I have an electronic copy in case anything happens to the paper one.
I tried to find the Dragonball Z slash I wrote when I was 13, but couldn’t find it on fanfiction.net. I’m actually a bit relieved.
You should listen to the Mortified podcast. People get on stage and read their childhood writing and it is AMAZING
Oooh, yeah, I so rarely listen to podcasts (despite having one myself lol) but this sounds right up my alley.
Whats your podcast? If you don’t mind, I know some people like to keep their toast identity seperate from real life
Or Grownups Read Things They Wrote as Kids. OMG.
I have a whole folder on my computer of my various romance attempts from when I was eleven. The best one was about a seventeen year old princess who gets sent to a boarding school on a tropical island and falls in love with the local… I can’t remember what his job was but he was basically a caretaker/musician for the school. (I also wrote an EPIC four page long sex* scene for them, but I actually wrote it by hand and it was sadly destroyed)
*I say sex scene, but I was eleven and didn’t really understand the mechanics of sex/was grossed out by genitals so it was really just an long kissing scene that ended with them both somehow climaxing.
I read a fanfic like that the other day! Normally, when I figure out something is clearly written by a pre-teen I read it with that in mind, but this one tricked me! I’m pretty sure it was Spuffy and it was reasonably mature and well-written, and then suddenly they were overcome with their feelings and then just kind of… were naked and rolled around on each other? It was really weird, there was clothing removal and mention of touch, but nothing specific. Like, they both could have been fondling large pillows and no text changes would be required? I finally realized that the only possible explanation was that a twelve year old wrote it.
Oh gosh that sounds painfully accurate!
Oh. My. Goodness. That sounds amazing, actually. I’m genuinely surprised by how much ignorant *sexual tension* there is in the old fics I found. Like, I clearly was a baby misandrist in that I write dudes as whiny dummies, and gals as just like, spilling over with physical and sexual power that cannot be countered.
Also, there are a number of very seriously written bad fight scenes, with lots and lots of kicking. It is very obvious that I have never willingly exercised or fought in my life to that point.
You have got to post at least some snippets. Please.
Haha, oh man, okay, I’ll go through them all and find the cringiest bits, but I’ll save it for a holiday open thread. (Mostly because I don’t have time during work.) 😉
I love rereading my old writing.
In my English department graduation ceremony, our speaker told the story of how he got into writing. As a teenager, when he’d go out at night, his mom would insist that whenever he got back, he needed to slip a note under her bedroom door to let her know (when she woke up) that he was back. He started writing an ongoing story, which he obligingly read a snippet of and which I can’t remember at all, save that the whole audience cracked up.
Naturally, his mother would stay up to read them every single time. He concluded his graduation speech to us by saying, “Go wake someone up.”
That is really sweet. Good final advice!
I just opened up a tab and was about to go to my old livejournal, but I closed it because I AM NOT READY.
I really hope my deadjournal is dead.
Edit – Oh dear God, it’s not D:
I wish I knew where the notebook with the completely ridiculous not-at-all-historical historical fiction vampire story I wrote in 9th grade is. Mainly because it went missing several years ago, and I’m still sad about it, but also because I’m afraid it’s going to be found (and judged with quiet horror) by my parents.
I’m hosting a Cookies and Cocktails party tomorrow and I’m still debating what to bake! A friend is bringing sugar cookies, and I’m thinking gingersnap, shortbread, and/or something chocolatey(?)–but I’m still torn, especially as we only have about 10 people coming.
What are your favorite cookie recipes?
Chocolate crackles are my favorite Christmas cookie. My family’s recipe involves a box of brownie mix and is super easy and can be shared if anyone so desires. And you can never go wrong with chocolate chip. Peanut butter kisses if you know no one’s allergic?
The Smitten Kitchen melted butter chocolate chip cookies are fantastic and hard to go wrong with!
No joke, this is my go to chocolate chip cookie recipe and is definitely on the shortlist!
I love the vanilla oatmeal craisin cookie recipe on the back of the Craisins package. Little red and white studded gems, and they are flipping delicious. Can google for the recipe too.
I love gingersnaps so much. I also love making cranberry cookies, I have a family recipe for them that is super tasty. They aren’t the prettiest cookies, but dang are they tasty.
Cranberry cookies sound awesome – do you use dried or frozen?
Fresh!
Thanks! These look fab.
mmmmm gingernsapssss yes do that and send some to Ethyl……
My favorite recently has been a browned butter chocolate chip cookie with extra molasses and dark chocolate chips. I’ve been using the King Arthur flour recipe on their blog. It’s just so good and it makes the whole house smell like browned butter.
my mom’s molasses cookies! they’re like gingerbread cookies but with more molasses & they’re rolled into thin crispy chewy goodness.
Pfeffernusse, especially for parties. So tasty, so tiny!
Delicious, but so much work.
Good ol’ chocolate chip always raises my spirits, but for the holidays I make these: Ginger Spice Cookies.
They’re soft and pillowy and the crystallized ginger gives them a nice bite. I used to double the batch but Mr. JauntyGhost has no self control.
Ooooh sorry I just love cookies so much and had another idea that could be fun- make your own fortune cookies. It’s the kind of thing that’s actually super easy but is impressive to others, plus you get to think up fun things to write on the fortunes! I used Martha Stewart’s recipe.
Martha Stewart’s chewy chocolate gingerbread cookies. Slightly fussy, but they are literally the best cookie recipe I’ve ever encountered. Martha KNOWS HER COOKIES.
Ranger Cookies with butterscotch chips.
OR
Biscochitos or a differing opinion
The above is just sort of A recipe, it works well but everyone has their own variation. That said some advice: double the anise seed and remember to crush/grind the seeds and/or let them sit in the lard (or shortening) for a while to really make sure you get the flavors extracted.
I use tawny port instead of brandy or white wine, I see frozen OJ concentrate in half a dozen recipes.
It varies is what I’m saying.
One of my projects here in the coming weeks is to make three or four different recipes and finally synthesize MY recipe.
Hurrah for biscochitos! I live in New Mexico and I cannot believe i didn’t think about making a batch! (I’ve never actually baked them before, I think the lard always scared me off.) We went to a local Mexican joint the other night and because we were the only customers, the cook gave us a bunch of her homemade biscochitos and a big glass of horchata and it was one of the happiest moments of my life.
I’ve used butter and they turned out alright and when I don’t use butter I buy vegetable shortening. I just can’t quite convince myself to buy lard. Maybe if I had a source for fresh lard instead of the hydrogenated shelf stable kind.
Oh also: So I moved to Albuquerque back in April and as a poor I have been loath to just wander around town buying cookies so I don’t suppose, if you live in Burque, you have any suggestions on who has good biscochitos that don’t break the bank.
Chai Snickerdoodles! Like regular snickerdoodles but chai-ier! https://bakemeaway.wordpress.com/2010/10/20/chai-…
I make these ALL THE TIME! I love them! The only reason I’m not making them for this party is because I’ve made them so much this season everyone has probably eaten a dozen. (Although maybe I should still make them, because chai!)
Ginger Spice Cookies from America’s Test Kitchen cookbook, I think it’s just called “best recipes”
Mental health and self-care thread? I found out yesterday that despite all the light therapy, I haven’t entirely been able to keep SAD at bay. I realized this when one grumpy comment from a women about my biking (I was indeed in the wrong) had, five minutes later, spiraled into a mental inventory of everything I’m shit at. I took that as a sign to be nice to myself, and had a (sparkly!) bath while listening to the first episode of the new season of Serial.
So, basically, two questions:
– what do you use as a barometer for your mental health? As in, how do you realize that you’re not doing well?
– what do you use for self-care?
You know, I’ve been in therapy for a while, but I still have a pretty hard time “measuring” my mental health. I do think the days when I’m really hard on myself are the most obvious indicators of a bad brain day. In order to not make it worse, I have to just kind of acknowledge that my depression / anxiety / whatever the hell it is is being a jerk, and just feel sad. Just the other day, I screwed up real bad on a personal project, in a way which could potentially negatively affect my collaborator. I had a total meltdown, which used to happen a lot but is now pretty rare, and I just had to kind of cuddle my partner and ride it out. The next day, I woke up feeling way better and generally on top of life. I was really (pleasantly) surprised by that, and I think it finally helped me actually internalize what I often hear, which is that just because you are taking care of yourself and getting better doesn’t mean you won’t still be affected or have bad days. I think maybe that experience might help be get better attuned to the fluctuations in my health.
Self-care: doing my own nails, reading comic books, cooking a meal or sweet thing for fun instead of obligation, long hot showers. I want to start including more exercise in this, but that’s… really hard for me.
Thanks for starting this conversation! I know I’m not doing well when I quit caring about things I normally love – fixing fussy oatmeal, for example. Basic anhedonia. I sometimes have to outsource the evaluation to trusted friends – “Hey, I need to process out loud – do I seem like I’m doing ok?” My self-care is time alone and exercise, and the knowledge that if I feel like I need a therapeutic or medical boost, I am not scared of doing so.
-I know I’m not well when: I take no pleasure in work. I love work! When I hate, resent, or am unproductive at work, I am unwell. When I am filled with nasty, ungenerous thoughts about others. Self-hate becomes hatred at the world. Uncaring, ungrateful thoughts. My mind will drift to having violence done unto me.
-Your sparkly bath sounds close to mine. I’m very into aroma therapy baths / watching netflix on my ipad in the tub for hours on end. Being forgiving about being unproductive. Tend to my mean-spirited feelings (kind of like pulling weeds). Doing something physical (like cooking, gardening, crafting, sewing, painting, long-walking) to get out of my head. Practice gratitude. Meditate.
So many internet hugs from this fellow SADdie.
I use negative self-talk as my guide. If most of the things I’m saying to myself are mean, I am struggling.
For self-care, I steal as much time as I can for the passions that give me life. Anything that I do for myself and no one else. A good book and a long soak are terrific, but I find the value of doing something creative or productive that I love lasts longer, for some reason. A lesson hard-learned.
Remember, only ten days till it starts getting brighter again!
I have been counting down the days too! On the bright (literally!) side, the 21st is also the day that I fly south for 4 days in Spain, where it’s sunnier and the days are longer. I just need to hang on until then.
also would like to know about other people’s barometer’s, because I am v bad at knowing myself. I have SAD too and I’ve noticed recently its been getting worse, I totally feel you and I’m sorry you’re spiraling.
I check in with my eating habits, whether I feel hungry all the time or I don’t want to eat at all, and how tired I feel all the time. If I’m tired constantly even after getting enough sleep that’s usually a sign. I like staying in in general but when I cocoon myself and don’t reach out to anyone and hope no one reaches out to me that’s another sign.
I cook! I get into a big cooking project. I’ve been trying to master baking bread recently. I put on some nice music or a podcast and go at it, or I make tea and read a good book.
I have the same thing with food: if I lose interest in it, if I have to remind myself to eat, if cooking seems like a chore and nothing I could eat sounds appealing, that’s usually a sign that I’ve got some winter blahs going on.
I hit a really really bad depressive period this fall. My barometer is essentially the amount I leave the house and/or talk to other people (especially people I’m close to). If I’m not calling my best friend, I need to be worried.
Self care? Scheduling social engagements and keeping them. Regular phone calls to my support circle. A regular bedtime. And a meal schedule — fill the cupboards with easy to make meals and eat them at the same time every day.
I’m sort of fighting a depression relapse right now, so I am right there with you. I knew something was wrong when I would get home from work and be too…blah, blank, empty, to eat or do anything. I love food and my stomach would be growling, but I could not have cared less about actually eating. I would sit in front of the TV all night and not even…be there. Just, blankness and despair. I know things are really bad when the normal things that cheer me up (animal videos, Harry Potter) don’t have their normal effect.
I’m still figuring out how to navigate this particular relapse, because most of what is triggering it are things out of my control (when I get a new job, visa laws forced me to leave a home I loved, etc.)
I haven’t been able to convince myself to exercise or do all the shit you’re supposed to do to help with depression. I am mostly working on interrupting negative thoughts when they crop up and calming myself when I get really upset. Works some days, but not others. That’s all I’ve managed so far.
One of my barometers is how out of control messy the house is getting.
I’m self-caring with very early bedtimes, low expectations about how much energy I have to do things, and reading on the couch.
I know I’m not doing well if
Self-care is mostly thinking about anything else. Focusing on the future, or reading stuff by writers I admire who I consider to be “removed” from what I’m worried about, if that makes sense. Most of what I get anxious over are things I don’t have any control over, so as long as I just focus on what I can control, I’ll be alright(ish).
When I start seriously trying to figure out whether I’m staying home all the time because introvert or because interacting with anything is just too exhausting, that’s my cue that it’s probably because depression.
I don’t get anxiety-depressive I just get really foggy and start sleeping forever, which seems a whole lot more straightforward. Did I sleep most of the week? Can I remember yesterday? Do I remember what I’m supposed to do today? Doin’ fine.
gonna have getting old LOCKED DOWN
for me it’s really obvious in how I’m interacting with other people. If I spend the day ignoring my friends’ texts, not responding to emails, cancelling plans or isolating myself from the real world, that’s really the biggest hint that the rest of my shit is about to spiral downwards as well.
My barometer is when I start procrastinating on my research (which I generally enjoy) or when I put off bedtime by endlessly cycling between a few websites until it’s two or three hours later.
Self-care: Pamper like hell, because chances are if my sleep schedule is messed up my skin is showing it.
My barometers are how much I’m hermitting, negative self-talk, and apathy about basic housework. For self-care, a short walk outside on a sunny day, forcing myself to make the bed every morning (Spaces that aren’t neat stress me out and start a major downward spiral), walking around a beautiful light display in the dark, and, if I can manage it, going to the tropical or orchid room in a conservatory.
I feel this so hard, I was planning on making a similar thread. Something pretty minor just set me off a couple weeks ago and I’ve been reeling ever since.
My biggest barometer is inappropriate levels of reaction. Cause for concern one is having too much of a reaction to real stressor – I have a grant due next week, that is important, but is this an oversized response? The bigger cause for concern is when I have reactions to things that shouldn’t even be major stressors – the thing that totally knocked me off my axis was in reality quickly resolved.
I’ve felt awful and not at all like myself the past couple weeks. I finally saw a counselor at my school who I’ve talked to a couple times before and basically said I was describing a textbook case of burnout (which I agree with) and the best thing is really just to prioritize self care. I’ve been spending some extra time with the shelter pups, going to yoga, knitting a lot, etc. It’s hard though, because I have some things that absolutely need to get done (the aforementioned grant is not hypothetical and is due Wednesday). Does anyone have suggestions for balancing self care with stressful commitments? I’ve been really struggling with a lack of motivation lately which isn’t helping.
I’ve also been dating my dude for almost a year now, and this is my worst depressive spell (by a long shot) since we got together which has been it’s own weird stress – he is a good guy and wants to be helpful, I don’t know how to be helped, I can tell I’m being difficult for no reasons sometimes, and on and on. I would like to feel better soon.
Relationships can work both ways, can’t they? I mean, on the one hand it’s really helpful to have an unlimited cuddle supply, but on the other you often feel the obligation to be a more “fun” partner than you’re being.
The boy is good in the sense that he’s very good at following directions. Early on when we started dating I told him I would occasionally be sad for some reason, and that he could help me best by a) being nice and b) not asking what was wrong or trying to fix the situation. And so that’s what he does!
It really helps me not spiral that he’ll just accept that I’m cranky/sad without needing to know the cause, because often, while the fundamental cause is probably chemical/hormonal, I’m really good at finding small things to get upset about (and then I get upset about getting that upset about such a little thing), and well, you can see where that might go wrong.
Of course, I still occasionally feel guilty for being a drag. But it’s nice that he doesn’t put any pressure on me to cheer up.
I am also in the camp of the fundamental cause is probably something chemical but then I latch onto small things to be upset about. This is by far my most serious relationship, and I retreat into myself a lot, and I’m still figuring out how to let people help me WHILE taking the time I need WHILE being a supportive partner too and man it’s a hard thing to figure out.
Could he help with the stressful motivating?
My partner is good at cheerleadering small accomplishments, which is great when I pair it with breaking stressful things into small tasks.
Oh man.
My dude and I are both super burned out right now, and kind of depressed and struggling, and last night while I was crying about feeling overwhelmed he was like “YOU HAVE TO BE NICE TO ME” and I was like “I’m not not being nice to you!” and then we had to keep talking for a while to figure out it. It’s HARD to be the calm and helpful one, and kind of for the first time he’s out of spoons for me, and I’m out of spoons for him, and he needs to not feel like he’s managing me and I need to feel like I’m not the only one trying to keep our lives together… and oh man! This is real! This is partnership! And it’s hard!
I really love my dude though. I love that he was able to say “I need you to be nice to me” and “I am feeling really defensive and under normal circumstances I could deal but I am afraid that I will react to this feeling by saying something not nice to you and then we will be engaged in war rather than helping each other” and then we were able to work it out and then watch something about WWII in colour (?) which was actually pretty interesting and then go to bed.
SAD is real guys and it sucks.
The other night I was freaking out and my dude started crying because he didn’t like seeing me so upset and didn’t know what to do. And it was this horrifying mix of “oh man I love you and I’m glad you love me and it’s great to have someone who is supportive and invested in my health (especially when by the very nature of that health, I am not)” and “I just cannot deal with you being upset because of me right now, the guilt is too much”.
Partnerships and real relationships are hard.
I really hear you on the ‘inappropriate levels of reaction’ thing. When I’m not doing well I can usually hold it together pretty well at work and in public, but I will overreact to non-things when I’m just with my fiance.
It’s great that you’re seeing a counselor — I hope that’s helpful and that they’re a good fit for you.
For balancing self-care with your stressful commitments — is there something soothing you could buy yourself that could comfort you while doing this stressful stuff? Like a really comfy scarf to wear or a toasty pair of socks, or a great hand lotion, or some really special tea or coffee? Plan breaks, like put them in your calendar. Maybe switch to baths instead of showers, so it’s not like you’re adding much to your busy schedule, just modifying to add relaxation. You have to eat — try to meet with a friend for a meal as often as you can, even if it’s just brown bagging.
Sometimes when I am at work and I have a task that I know I NEED to do but I don’t want to do, I say, okay, let’s just Pomodoro this shit out of this. And then I set a timer for 20 minutes and get going. And sometimes then on the “break”, I let myself get distracted, and sometimes I’m in the groove and I keep going. But doing it in chunks and knowing you don’t have to go forever can help. I have found that my boyfriend and I can also do really well if we say “okay, we’re going to complete X task today, and then we’re going to see Y movie”. So the day isn’t all drudgery and we have a reward to look forward to, and know that we are having some downtime in our weekend on top of the chores.
Both of these strategies work well for me too.
And sometimes I default to filing or another necessary but not urgent work, so I can accomplish SOMETHING rather than spin my wheels.
When I’m bogged down with a lot of things to do, I usually feel better when I make a checklist or a schedule for myself. It’s easy to get stressed out when things that you need to do are just swarming around in your head. Get a planner or just write down what you want to get accomplished each day (and write down the amount of time you should spend on it) – that way, you can manage your self-care time without feeling guilty for not doing work or vice-versa. Seriously, just planning ahead helps me SO MUCH. I hope it would help you too.
The barometer is usually how long I’ve gone without doing laundry (if it’s more than a few weeks then something is up, brain-wise). Also if I have a really simple errand or task to do (like “buy more shampoo” or “go to ATM”), and I keep putting it off, then that’s kind of a warning sign.
Self-care starts with doing those things I kept putting off, then getting myself a burrito or maybe a nice salad, watching some Bob’s Burgers, and going to bed early. I try to find a balance between making myself do the things that my brain doesn’t want me to do, and actually indulging and having some me-time.
I kinda tend to avoid internet self-care talk outside of the Toast (coughtumblrcough) is because it can often veer into “your responsibilities are meaningless, just do what you want and shut everyone out!” when that is actually really counterproductive in my experience. Not only is buying shampoo and paying your bills (and so on) important, it can feel good when you are depressed to be able to say “well at least I did x today.”
I totally agree – on many sites the recommendations are just unrealistic. Responsibilities AREN’T meaningless, much of the time. It’s good to carefully assess as prioritize, but you can’t just opt out of life (much as I sometimes wish you could).
Ditto. The whole “stay home from work if you need to, skip the gym if you need to, order takeout if you need to,” it sounds helpful on the surface, but if I stay home from work, I’m alone with my thoughts all day; if I skip the gym more than a couple days in a row, I get fidgety and have weird body image issues; and if I order takeout I don’t cook, which is something I find calming and enjoyable despite taking a lot of time and effort. The Toast is generally better at discussing self-care, though– it’s the more realistic “don’t look at the news if it’s going to depress you” type, not the “pamper yourself endlessly” type.
This is the exact problem I’m having right now. It sounds great to just stop going to work and “take care of myself” but I have things that need to get done. They are non-negotiable and on real deadlines. So it’s figuring out “okay, what can I do that will let me succeed inside the confines of what really needs to happen” is a struggle, but it’s more realistic for me than just “do whatever you want, you deserve it, treat yourself”
Honestly my best barometer is my ability to be productive and do work. I’m not doing great right now and at the end of the day literally have billed like 1.5 hours. It suuuuuucks.
It sucks that my key performance indicator is how I talk to other people. Because by the time I’m able to notice if I’m being short, snippy, caustic, etc. it’s already apology-time. Often it’s just small things like “Get it yourself” or “Can’t you see I’m busy” style dismissals, but those set a tone you can’t undo without a Talk.
I’m not sure I’ve mastered self-care, but I do have a pretty good barometer. When I find myself wondering how to act like a “real person” in public, that’s my red flag. I’ve been doing that a TON lately.
I’m incredibly bad at self-care. My usual “strategy” is to just be so busy and overwhelmed with projects that my feelings take a back seat. I’ve been looking into talk therapy (I tried medication once but it was not a great experience) but man, it is really hard to make appointments. All the psychologists in my area are single-doctor offices, so they don’t have receptionists, so no one ever picks up and I need to leave a message. And then if anyone calls back at all, I’m at work, and can’t pick up. It is a mess.
My barometer is reading through my old journal entries, to see if I can find anything that sounds like how I’m feeling now. It’s easier to judge my “levels” in hindsight.
Blah, sorry to be complainy! I’m glad you got in a sparkly bath and some serial listening, but I hope you find some new SAD strategies. It sounds like the light therapy is at least sort of working, though? That’s good!
Ouf, after stopping Serial at the part where Bowe is describing losing his concept of self while imprisoned in darkness for long periods of time, I’m not sure that would be my self-care go-to. Brutal.
Mine would be 30 Rock and crossword puzzles.
I actually have a checklist. It includes basic stuff like meds, sleep, lightbox, etc. and more me-specific stuff like have I had enough reading time? Cat time? Social time?
My partner is a data-nerd, and it was his idea. I went along with trialing both because I saw no harm, and because it’s really hard to partner someone with a mental illness–if it helped him I thought that might be benefit enough. We have done this for almost 9 months, and the list gets revised about every 3 months. And yeah, it seems to help. Days with all the boxes checked show up in green, and days with pieces missing show up in various shades of red. If there’s a trend into the red, I mention it to my therapist. I am really not great at noticing things are slipping, so this really helps.
That sounds incredibly sensible. I’ve definitely heard that the research finds that light therapy is about as effective as antidepressants, but the combination of both is a lot more effective. I’ve just started lightboxing again as my sleep was getting so wonky my partner and I were sleeping apart more nights than together, and I’m curious to see if my mood changes at all. I tend more towards anxiety than depression.
Can I ask how you are doing this?
Is it some kind of spreadsheet? App? Wizard spell?
1. This is such a great question — I hadn’t really thought about this too much and it would be great to identify these things and become more aware of when I’m kind of ‘going downhill’. On a cursory think-through, some of mine are: stopping going to the gym regularly, either losing my appetite or craving a lot of sweets, sleeping in late on the weekends, watching a ton of TV, picking at myself more than usual (I am a cuticle picker), becoming obsessive about something (frequently about makeup/skincare), lots of zoning out.
2. I haven’t really been great about self-care, but one thing I will do is make plans with friends. Or go for a nice long walk with my fiance.
The messier my flat is, the worse I’m feeling. If I forget to eat, something is really wrong. If I don’t manage to go home after class or coming back from +1’s, but instead hanging out in town or just wandering aimlessly, I’m probably Not Well. Also, when I miss my subway stop, or take the wrong train; when I think that I’m failing at basic life things and/or adulting. Also, the more make-up I wear, the more insecure I am.
As for self-care: Peace and quiet, blanket, tea, good food. Taking a properly coordinated walk by the river instead of just aimless wandering. Swimming and sauna. I’ve got several non-thesis-related comfort films and books, occasionally blasting aliens in Mass Effect helps. Steven Universe. Cuddling with +1. If it’s bad and not-family-related, going home to my parents’ place (in a village about an hour by train from my city), camping on their couch and walking the dog.
Usually I track my showers and how easy it is to brush my teeth or do other mundane chores. When doing anything like washing dishes feels like pushing a rock up a hill, I’m not doing so great.
In self-care terms, I try to get to bed earlier (despite my depressive urges not to) and stay easy on myself.
How I Notice That I’m Doing Not-So-Great:
Having irrational, angry thoughts about loved ones over minor things or just being irritable for no apparent reason. Having tense body muscles – tight neck, shoulders, clenching my jaw, etc. Feelings of self-doubt or loneliness.
How I Self-Care to Handle This:
1) I’m learning to stop bad thoughts about others in their tracks – I kind of take a step back, think about WHY I’m angry, and then remind myself to be thankful. Practicing gratitude has helped me a lot recently.
2) I ask myself: “When’s the last time I ate?” Skipping meals makes me very grumpy and I’m bad about eating well some days. Generally, after I eat, I feel MUCH better.
3) Going outside. Being in nature really calms me down and recharges me. Sometimes even just stepping out of the office and walking around the parking lot makes me feel less stressed.
4) Stretching. Working out those tense muscles is becoming a must.
5) Making plans with friends – going out and having fun. I’m an introvert, but I know it’s getting rough when I’m starting to feel isolated. So seeing friends is very important and having something to look forward to at the end of the week is helpful.
6) Going to bed early
7) Putting myself together in the morning – taking time to get up and put make-up on before work makes me feel better about myself sometimes. Just LOOKING more prepared for the day, ya know? It gets old walking out the door with nothing on my face like I just rolled out of bed (because that’s what actually happens).
8) Getting away from the news. When I’m feeling overly cynical, it doesn’t help to watch the news because…well, it’s the news. So staying away from Facebook or other outlets of terrible news stories is a nice break every once in a while.
9) Drinking tea and watching Netflix while wearing fuzzy pajama bottoms
Yay GBBO! I’m going backwards, and am on season 4 now. And it really has encouraged me to bake more. In the past two weeks I’ve made meringues for the first time, a Swiss roll for the first time (using a GBBO recipe) and made Swedish cardamom bread, and Scandinavian blood bread. And cookies. And this weekend will bring more cookies.
How are you watching them? There is only the one season on Netflix!
I torrented them.
Gracias. I will have to look into my options. I feel ya on being inspired by the show — I hope to make biscuits (crackers) for the first time this weekend.
Swedish cardamom bread? Recipe, please!
It’s from The Great Scandinavian Baking Book. You can actually find the recipe on Google books by searching “great Scandinavian baking book pulla.” It’s a great recipe–both times I’ve made it the bread has been perfect.
This looks terrific. Thanks for the much-needed holiday inspiration!
Jumping in to say that I make this bread from the Baking with Julia cookbook and it has also always turned out perfect and wonderful – if for some reason you wish to do it with two recipes!
+1000 to the Baking with Julia recipe. I’m thinking of making it later this week!
Sounds awesome! However, I don’t think this bread is called “pulla” in Swedish… And now I googled it just to make sure, and it seems like that name is Finnish.
Why? Well, in contemporary Swedish, “pulla” means “to fingerbang someone “. ~the more you know~
No, it’s definitely Swedish cardamom fingerbang bread.
What do you mean? I googled in Swedish to check whether I didn’t know about a bread actually being called this or if there was something else going on. Swedish recipes for cardamom bread that mentioned pulla said explicitly that that’s the Finnish name, like “I’m making cardamom bread today, or pulla as they say in Finland”.
*Sigh* My roommate and I breezed through the season of Netflix last weekend and are DESPERATE for more Mary Berry and Sue & Mel in our lives. The Holiday spinoff on ABC is not cutting it.
Sadly our other, torrent-skilled roommate (honestly, I’m convinced it’s an art) is off on a cruise. We are impatiently awaiting her return.
*coughthewatchseries.tocough*
please explain “blood bread”
FALLEN LONDON THREAD! I haven’t done one in a while. What is everybody up to?
I really enjoyed the latest Exceptional Friends storyline, but the regular game has been a bit boring lately. I’m trying to get my Shadowy up to 200 (it’s my last skill that’s under that) but apart from that, I’m not doing much. Nothing seems particularly interesting or appealing.
Are there any websites that gather up the Fallen London mythology/history that’s revealed in these various storylines? The FL wikia is not very useful in this regard because a lot of this stuff costs Fate and they usually don’t post spoilers for Fate-locked content.
Same as you, I’m kind of just coasting right now. The only real goals left to me are to upgrade to a 5 card lodging and to buy the expensive items (Cider and Goat). All of which will take forever.
I’m sure there are probably little story lines I’ve missed but I dunno how to activate them.
I tried getting into Fallen London a month ago because I saw people talking about it on here… but I had no idea what I was doing, and felt like I was doing everything “wrong” and then just bailed lol.
The key is to realize that there really is no way to do things wrong. It’s not very clear that that is the case when you first start though. For example I thought you had to specialize in one of the 4 main skills, but actually you just want to improve all of them.
I just got into it this summer and was really worried about making choices that would close off storylines. Everything felt pretty high stakes, and I’m still not completely sure if I’m doing things right.
All my stats are pretty low still, and I sort of fell out of it when I started a new job in October, but I’m going to try to put more time in while things slow down for the holidays.
I’m CurrerBelle there for anyone still playing 🙂
This is my situation right now. I came back for the advent calendar goodies, but there just don’t seem to be any fun storylines once you hit the higher levels – or if there are, they’re really buried and I’ve been away so long that I don’t know how to find them. I haven’t been able to find a place that outlines the various branching stories yet. I feel like a “have you done this yet” resource would be so useful for that game.
There kind of is one? Go to your lodgings and chat with the local gossip; there’ll be various characters there who tell you about Watchful, Persuasive, Shadowy, and Dangerous stories you might have missed.
(I’m wavesandmoon in FL, and really wishing they’d update the regular game play. The Exceptional storylines are great and all, but I’d like to progress instead of just endlessly grinding for cider)
There’s a lot of lore at http://saint-arthur.tumblr.com/, though it’s all in a Q&A format so I’m not sure if that’s what you’re looking for.
I’m enjoying the Advent calendar and am looking forward to upgrading my lodgings to 5-card if pails of Neath-snow start showing up. I played a lot less Fallen London while I first had Sunless Sea so I still have a ways to go on upgrading skills, but I do miss having more ongoing storylines at higher levels as well besides the EF ones.
This is the face of a dog who is firmly on the naughty list.
(She got into the trash. And the cat food. And the cat box.)
But she couldn’t HELP it!
(that is definitely a dog who Knows She Did Wrong)
A good place as any to post dog and kitty fireplace snuggles:
So, guilty but well-fed.
Her face tho.
Shelter pups!
And this is the face of a shelter pup being serenaded with The Schuyluer Sisters:
I got that job I interviewed for in Prague last weekend! I’m a bit panicky now about the costs of moving to yet another new country and visa-associated costs and borrowing money to sit in my bank account for a little bit for the proof of living expenses requirement, but overall Prague was beautiful and interesting and I’m very excited to be moving there in a month.
What’s everyone reading? Suggest some things I can get for free on Kindle please! My Boston library card expired and since I don’t actually live there anymore I can’t renew, which means my access to the digital library is over.
oh my gooooddddddddd I am incredibly jealous of you excited for you! I vacationed in Prague last summer and I would move there in a heartbeat. It’s such a beautiful city.
And the food in Prague!!! So good!
Not all libraries! I just observed a non-resident library patron *purchase* a library card with borrowing privileges for $24. That’s $2/month. Here in central Texas. So round (way) up for Boston. Maybe that’s too much money when you’re budgeting for a big move. Ask someone to lend you their library card?
Try ProjectGutenberg for older books, they offer most of their books as free kindle books.
And congratulations!
Manybooks.net also has a lot of free books, and is slightly easier to navigate (for me, at least) than Gutenberg.
Congrats!!!!!!! That’s so cool!!!
As far as free Kindle books, you can never go wrong with Dickens, especially at this time of year (Christmas and Dickens are always linked for me, even beyond A Christmas Carol).
Do you like fanfiction at all? At least half the files on my e-reader are fanfiction, especially since AO3 makes it so easy to download stuff.
Free Kindle books is where I live. First of all: top 100 free books.
Specifically, I was surprised to find how much i enjoyed Dickens (Bleak House especially!) and Jane Austen (Persuasion especially!) and Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights, a decade after I trudged through them in college. I also love George Eliot (Middlemaaaarch!) and Elizabeth Gaskell (North and South). And, when you want something a little smuttier, M.E. Braddon has written about a million stories about murder, mistaken identity, secret relatives, and the like.
Recommendation: Frances Hodgson Burnett, NOT The Secret Garden or A Little Princess, but her romances and melodramas for adults. Some of them over so over-the-top, all of them are way more enjoyable than they probably should be. They’re all public domain, so go to town, download them onto your Kindle.
Also, G. K. Chesterton’s Father Brown mysteries and The Man Who Wasn’t There (no relation to the Hitchcock film) are excellent time-passers.
Toasties I’m just really tired. You know that feeling when you’re just really tired all week long, and it’s half because of bad sleep but also you’re just tired, and people start noticing and asking you what’s wrong, and whenever you say “I’m just tired” people seem to look at you/react like you’re lying?? And you wanna be like no, really, I’m just tired, ugh. That’s been my whole week.
(That, interspersed with men on the internet being inappropriate with me out of nowhere and crossing boundaries. You’d think I’d long since be used to this and yet every time it seems to shock me somehow.)
ETA: I FORGOT TO SAY that I’m also finishing up the rough draft of my Capstone Project this week. Once I finish this I’m DONE and I will GRADUATE with my BA at the age of 30 lol. My project involves a literary analysis of poems written by Queen Elizabeth I, with a veering into the feminist/sociological theory re: how she used her romances/sexuality/etc as a way of exerting control over men in a patriarchal society.
I feel you. I’ve been sleeping badly and dealing with minor BS from all sides and am all out of shits to give today.
Your ETA rocks my socks.
Hah! 😀 This makes me feel much better.
Wow, that project sounds amazing!! Congrats, I hope you get to feel rested soon!
Thank you! It is, it combines so many of my interests and I love that. But also I’m at that point where I’ve been working on it so long it’s starting to blur and feel like all crap to me lol.
Oof, yeah, I remember that feeling from my last year of college. If it makes you feel any better, I recently reread some old papers after the fact, and though they obviously weren’t perfect I was like, wow, that was damn good considering I wrote it all in two nights and finished literally an hour before turning it in. (I was… not very disciplined at school.) I bet you will be very pleased and impressed with yourself once it’s all over!
Sorry about the tiredness and the icky men, but your project sounds awesome, and I bet it would make a great Toast article! Congratulations!
Oh, thanks!! You know I’ve always wanted to write a toast article and I never knew what to write. My project is WAY too long for that right now, but interesting to consider at a later point!
Oh my god yes I know that feeling so well and it is the ACTUAL worst.
I hope you feel well rested soon. I can really relate to the feeling of just being plain tired. Ugh.
In other news, congratulations on finishing up your BA! Your statement is the push I needed after feeling a bit forelorn about my slow slog through return to finish my own. Hopefully I will be done when I’m 30! Really, truly needed to see something encouraging today. Yay you!
THANK YOU!!!
You can do it, yes you can, woohoo! I’m lucky in that I work at an online college so I can attend here (part time, I’ve been here for several years now working on finishing it). But you can do it too, I believe it! <3
Yo!! Congrats on the BA! You rule, and your capstone sounds like it rules.
I know that weekends are not always restful when you’re a student and have ongoing projects, but I hope that this weekend can be a restful one.
Congrats on your BA! Your project sound fascinating.
And I feel like you just described my week perfectly: exhausted and dumb internet men. I booked off tomorrow to sleep sleep sleep. Hope you get some rest!
YAY! GO YOU! I am supposed to graduate in spring, but I’m doing my capstone now, and I am having one hell of a time with it. SO hard. Yours sounds way harder, badass!
I am totally with the tired, too, though – finals, ugh.
Oh, I know that feeling. I ended up taking today off work (have PTO to burn) because of it. I’m lucky enough to have co-workers who are either “Yes do take the day off” or troll me mercilessly (and affectionately) about how me taking time off is UNPOSSIBLE because HYPERBOLIC DISASTER-SCENARIO reasons.
Stupidly, I forgot to turn my alarm off, so I am still tired, but a little more ok with it.
AHHHH SO EARLY
I loved hearing about the good things in people’s lives last week, so let’s do it again this week!
What’s making you happy right now?
For me, it’s knowing I’m having lots of friends over to watch the Star Wars Holiday Special tonight and going to LA tomorrow for the HDTGM live shows with my little sister.
I’ll be going back to the US in 9 days and seeing my niece again in 11. She’s eleven months old now and I haven’t seen her since she was one month old.
Lighting Hanukkah candles this week, my kids little faces, and a dance show this weekend.
I’m going to Hanukkah dinner with my family tonight (and then Christmas decorating, it’s complicated, my Mom/sister/me are Jewish but my Dad was raised Episcopalian so we celebrate both), and I get to give my mom and my sister presents! Instead of buying off lists I bought things I thought they’d like this year and I really love watching people open presents I bought them, especially when it’s a surprise and not just “here’s this thing I picked from your list”.
I am going to see Vanessa Carlton tonight. Because I fucking love her and her new album is really good! (But also I will obvs die when she plays A Thousand Miles because I was a Early 2000s Teen)
This gif of an orangutan enjoying a magic trick is making me very happy today.
Ahhh this is so delightful!! Thanks for sharing!
That’s so beautiful! What study is it from?
Nooooo idea!
SO jealous that you are seeing HDTGM! I bought my fiance a Hey Nong Man t-shirt (which is, admittedly, from Comedy Bang Bang, not HDTGM) because we love Jason Mantzoukas so much.
I have a not-so-small crush on Jason, so I GET IT. Last time we went, he was hanging outside after the show and I’ve been warring with myself on whether we should talk to him afterwards this time or not. I’m afraid I’ll make an ass out of myself.
Have you heard Zouks on the Crybabies podcast?? If not I highly recommend it– it was so fascinating (and really touching) to hear him get a little bit personal and outside his high-energy podcaster persona.
Two consecutive days off with my husband. The twice-baked potato I’m about to scarf down for lunch, and the ramen stir-fry that was yesterday’s lunch. Star Wars trailers/ONE WEEK TO STAR WARS. Supergirl.
I’m happy about doing a little work for a friend this weekend. She is a toy-maker, and in the holiday crunch; I am doing some picky piece-work, and I get to feel like Santa’s Helper. Plus, I get to quality-test all of the finished toys for huggability.
Best friend coming to town to visit this weekend (and I haven’t seen her for a whole year! Long distance bestie-ing is hard). Reservations for an amazing brunch tomorrow. Knowing that we can sit our butts on the couch all weekend and not do a goddamn thing and still have an amazing time together. YES.
I had a delightful birthday on Wednesday for which I did absolutely nothing.
I’m writing an article that puts the fear of God into me.
Tomorrow night we’re having friends over as a housewarming thing and then next week we’re flying away for two weeks of a very chill family vacation holiday visit thing that will mostly be reading books.
Also just as I pressed Submit on this, I got an email saying I’m now in the Canadian Blood Services marrow and stem cell donor database. Yusssssssss.
I am going to a Krampus themed party tonight. I built myself horns and ridiculous sparkly demon hair and I’m going with my current favourite bed partner and then dragging him back to my place afterward and roommate will not be here.
Before that I have my work party which should be fun because I work with a small group of cool people and my boss has apparently invited more people than can reasonably fit in the space.
good things: i had sex with the guy i’ve wanted to have sex with for too damn long!
it was great, high fives all around.
It has been snowing light, sticky snow all week so every branch and twig is completely frosted, and last night there were a couple deer sedately strolling about my yard and it was beautiful.
Also, I’m in the process of making a giant wreath and it’s lots of fun.
I made 3 holiday wreaths this week! Using real evergreens (you know, the bottom branches from the xmas trees they cut off?)! I didnt follow any instructions and went with a wire frame and flower wire and they turned out somehow! It was so soothing and wonderful during a pretty intense week! And now ones hanging on my front door, one on the back door, and one in the office 🙂
I am seeing Hamilton in two weeks! (which I have posted about here like three times in the past two days oh well)
My dude bought tickets a long time ago, since I kept on babbling on about it when it was in previews but wasn’t sure about tickets because it was extravagant but finally he was like “we are both in NY for a week, it is the holiday season so tickets are going particularly fast for the only time available, let’s just get tickets” and that happened to be right before things went from big to REALLY big, so I’m incredibly happy he was there to counteract my occasional faults of being too cheap and denying myself things I really want for not particularly good reasons. Yay Hamilton! So soon!
-Trish Walker from Jessica Jones. She’s my favorite favorite favorite at the moment.
-surprise grant money arriving at the office on Wednesday. Toasties, we haven’t even applied to this foundation since FY13 (and they rejected us), we’ve just been keeping them in the loop on the big stuff!
I’m taking my grandpa to a hockey game tonight! I’m living close to my extended family for the first time and it’s really great to get these chances to hang out with them on a casual level where I’m not trying to fit everything into a one week visit. Plus, my grandpa’s never been to a hockey game so it’ll be fun to share with him. 🙂
I am happy because I am done with finals and my thesis proposal was accepted, so I have a lot less stress and will be going home in a couple days and because I am having roommate bonding at a paint bar this afternoon, a Hannukah party at Hillel this evening, and an open mic night at my dorm tonight! It’s a great way to end the semester!
I finished my first of two exams and I’m on my way to see my mom, aunt, grandma, and cousins for a girls’ weekend before my next exam!
This week I FINALLY went to vespers at the UU church in DC (I used to go every Sunday but I haven’t been in years) and it was after a yoga class, so that was a really nice Wednesday of meditation.
Today I took one of my BFFs out for lunch for her birthday, and then we stopped at the very good bakery and I got the Peppermint Patty cupcake, which is only seasonally available.
I also got to interview a candidate at work who everyone really liked so I am hoping he will come and work with us.
And in a couple of weeks I get to meet my BFF’s baby and I am very very excited but also I have to finish his blanket.
right this minute in LA it’s raining while sunny outside, and that’s making me happy right now.
Toasties, if all goes well on Sunday, I should be a proud new owner of this lovely steed:
New living and bedroom furniture arrive today, too. 2015 has been a banner year for novelty at my house.
Oh shit she is lovely. Spouse is convinced of 650B’s superiority. I got really burned on a deal on a 29er with the bike shop I work at when Santa Cruz screwed the shop over, so maybe that’s why I’m so doubtful 😀
In other cycling news, after a year and a half off for mental health reasons (it was feeling more like an obligation and THAT was starting to trigger some ED stuff), I think I’m finally ready to start getting back on my bikes! I’m feeling so very much better and the thought of riding is finally exciting and not dread-producing, yay!!!!
Ethyl: that is excellent news about getting back on your bikes. I know what you mean about hobbies starting to feel like obligations, that is a tough one for me too. It helps a little to pay attention to how I feel when I’m actually Doing The Thing, and how I feel afterward.
But that initial ambivalence is generally there. Why I can’t feel the same way when I’m eating Doritoes beats the hell out of me.
And new bikes always help 😀
My problem is that I do want a bigger diameter wheel to play with, but now that Santa Cruz abandoned my shop, I’m left with Sepcialized, and anything that comes in at the price I want runs SRAM. My 26″ Heckler is Shimano and I don’t really relish the thought of switching back and forth. Plus, I just really love Santa Cruz and Specialized just doesn’t have that same ….. feel, I guess. Ugh.
650B isn’t a gimmick! They’re still super nimble but they climb SO much better and faster than a 26″ wheel (and on flat fire road type stuff too, obviously, since every pedal stroke gets you farther). People do tend to get really preachy about ’em almost, but they’re preaching the truth. 😉
I don’t know much about bicycles but I like that it is named Ralph. Congrats on your Ralph!
Yay pretty bike!
I’m still pretty gutted about my bike being stolen a couple weeks ago, but I found a used bike on craigslist that was kind of a ridiculous deal, and I think I’ve finally settled in to the new one a bit. With my old bike I was getting really into the idea of going for longer rides and exploring the area, and I’m starting to think about that again, which is nice. Having a bike you enjoy riding is so important.
Yahoo! Congrats on the new wheels! Are you in a place where you can ride year round, or will you be longingly staring at her until spring?
Bartender, you are reading my mind!! I was planning on asking in today’s thread about how to watch GBBO (besides Netflix). Tell me dear Toasties, for I need more baked goods porn in my life.
seconding!! watching terrible dailymotion videos where their voices are too high is making me so upset, which is how I’ve been trying to watch the older series. I usually just google great british bake off s04e06 for example and look at the video tab, but all the streaming videos are terribble quality. Just put them all on netflix, please
watch series or couch tuner websites for probably not legal ways to stream.
Please, a little advice or support about an ex-boyfriend situation that I’m unsure how to handle would be appreciated, if anyone is in the mood for advice-giving this day.
I broke up with a Fellow earlier in the fall. I am planning a long-distance move to which I didn’t wish to invite him; I liked him, loved him, even, but after almost a year and a half it was, on my end, beginning to fizzle. I’d never really indicated any of the fizzle to him, and so I acknowledge that the breakup probably seemed super abrupt to him. I’m really sorry to have hurt him, because he was a lovely sort, but it also seemed unfair to continue a relationship that my heart wasn’t quite in.
Long story short, he is still sending me very long and emotional messages, emails, to which I’ve stopped answering. I asked him several weeks ago to please stop emailing me – I promise that I tried to be gentle, and asked him to stop because it was making me very sad.
The messages slowed but I received several this week, including one that said he’d been “in my neighbourhood a lot lately” – strange, because he lives in a different town altogether.
Then, checking my phone messages this week, there have started to be some odd hang-up messages. It could be totally unrelated, but my instinct was to immediately be alarmed that it was him. I am not sure what to do. Any thoughts are gratefully appreciated.
I should add that I don’t believe him to pose any specific threat to me, and I’ve had no indication that he’s got any violent history. It is putting all of my Old, Bad Experiences Brain on high alert, though. I suspect that he’s probably blissfully unaware that I am reading anything even hinting at menace in his actions.
I am very reluctant to contact him because the communication that we’ve had since our break-up has not gone well. It seems as though he is parsing it word for word. When I send him an email, he replies with his analysis of it. He compares it to offhand remarks I made in the past trying to make a calculus for something that he is searching for.
I’d prefer to heal up in my own way and carry on with my life. But, perhaps I owe it to him to be in touch again? I don’t know, I’m not very good at this kind of Feelings thing, and I can’t talk about it on Twitter because he has searched my Twitter before and used it to cast my interactions with other people up to me.
You DO NOT OWE HIM THAT. You owe him nothing. Block him and let him figure out his own life. You do not owe him anything and his insistence on not “letting you go” is not a good or healthy sign.
^^^ He deserves nothing, you owe nothing, block in every way it’s possible to block. Try to prevent yourself from even reading any of his words. I find even reading a snippet of a manipulative message to be pernicious and depleting.
Also “in your neighborhood a lot lately” is creepy as hell.
Wait, I hadn’t read this comment before I replied to your first one. This behavior you describe – parsing every word of your emails, trying to catch you in an inconsistency based on offhand past remarks, SEARCHING YOUR TWITTER TO DISCREDIT YOU – is the behavior of a manipulative creep. You owe him nothing.
You don’t owe him, and it’s probably kinder to him to not be in touch. He’s not going to start healing until he realizes how over this is. (I’m being very generous to him here – that’s some creepy behavior.)
I just want to say that most stalkers don’t believe that they are threatening their victims, or menacing them, or being terrifying really. I can link you to a blog post of a man who was a stalker who truly believed the object of his stalking was in love with him, but it’s difficult to read, so I don’t want to just plonk the link down in here without warning. But it is illuminating.
You don’t owe him shit, and I think your oldbadexperiences brain is protecting you here.
Nope, you don’t owe him anything. You tried your best to be kind to him (and breaking up with him when your heart wasn’t in it anymore and you were planning to move away was actually very kind), and then you gently stated an entirely reasonable boundary.
It is not your job to help him come to terms with the breakup. It is not your responsibility to help him process his feelings. The fact that it seems like he is trying to get you to tells me that you were, in fact, wise to end the relationship.
Do not contact him. Block him on social media if you have to, send all his emails to a filter (ideally automatically marked as read). If there are social situations where you would be likely to run into him, let hosts know that you are trying to give him some space and ask if he is going to be there.
Aw, that really sucks. Definitely follow your instincts! If you think it’s him, it probably is. Are there any close friends nearby who you could kind of alert to the situation? Not to freak you out, but do take the usual precautions like making sure doors/windows are locked at night, etc. (much as it is no fun to live that way). Definitely stick to your guns about not responding, though! Do not engage again would be my advice…
I had a similar thing happen and found it very upsetting. I was on edge for weeks after the guy finally gave up. Good luck with it and please keep us posted!
Thank you for the suggestions. I have good friends nearby, and some trusted neighbours. If I were to receive any indication that he might try to pay a visit, I would have a good support network, and that’s a relief.
I don’t have advice, but I want to validate your instincts. His behavior is definitely creepy and concerning.
Thank you. I think….I think that’s what I needed more than anything.
I think your instincts are protecting you here — this is indeed not an ok way for him to behave, and I think you’re in your rights to block him on any and all platforms you can. You’ve told him clearly to stop trying to contact you and he’s continuing to ignore your wishes. That’s not ok. Keep everything on file, make sure your friends know not to tell him anything about you, and continue gearing up for your move. I’m so sorry he’s reacting this way, it’s really not ok.
Thank you. I mean, I know this, but sometimes it’s hard to *know* know this.
First, ugh, what a pain in the neck thing to have to go through.
I would strongly recommend blocking him on all social media platforms (whether or not you want to notify him that you’re blocking him before doing so is entirely up to you, I wouldn’t feel obligated). If you can block his phone number too, I would.
If you’re squeamish about email blocking him entirely, you could filter his messages to an alternate inbox/folder and only look at them when you feel up to it or have a trusted friend keep an eye on it for you.
I also highly recommend Captain Awkward’s blog (from which I am shamelessly stealing all of this advice). Wanting to break up is enough of a reason to break up. You do not owe him anything, not even kindness (especially since he’s deliberately ignoring your politely-stated boundaries). Be sure to take good care of yourself–eat good food, get enough sleep, focus on your kick-ass long-distance move coming up, read/watch fun things, hang out with people you WANT to hang out with, etc.
I hope things calm down. Good luck!
I don’t recommend blocking emails entirely; you want a record of how often he tries to contact you. Set up your mail to filter it to a folder where you don’t have to see them. Screencap any messages he sends you on other sites (facebook etc) and keep those in a designated file as well.
LET AT LEAST ONE OF YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS KNOW THAT YOU ARE KEEPING THIS FILE. Back it up in a shared folder on Dropbox or email the whole package as a zip to a designated friend when there’s something new.
He is escalating this situation. Your safety always, always, always takes precedence over his feelings. Please keep a paper trail.
“Wanting to break up is enough of a reason to break up.”
Wow. That is…ridiculously helpful considering how simple it is.
You don’t have to be gentle with him anymore! It’s not your responsibility to take care of his feelings once you break up and the fact that you’re being careful with him, out of consideration, he’s choosing to take it the wrong way and think he still has a chance.
Here’s what I’d recommend. You don’t reply to him, if it’s just whining (you can set a filter so any emails from him go straight to your archives in Gmail, or you can set up a folder to auto route it to in outlook- you want to keep the emails but never see them). If he does something scary, like sends you a photo of your house or makes a threat, then you reply and say, “This is completely out of line. Stop contacting me right now. If you talk to me again, I will send all of your messages to the police and take out a restraining order on you”, and do not reply back when he sends anything else.
I’m guessing that seems harsh to you- the way you write above you are being so careful to explain the care you took with his feelings, and that’s such an admirable trait in almost all situations, but here, your kindness is something he’s going to use against you. I don’t know if this guy is just pushy or has it in him to be a real old school stalker, but the only way to shut it down is to be very clear there’s no friendship or possibility of reconciliation. You need to take care of yourself first. He’s probably just a person in pain trying to make it go away by clinging to you, but there are a lot of women who will tell you about the guys who crossed that line into scary, and the second you feel threatened or uneasy, it’s a really good time to trust your gut.
If he is actually a nice guy, you freaking out hard on him is going to teach him where the line is. It might hurt his feelings for a moment but he’s going to learn when behavior he might think is “romantic” is actually frightening. And he’s going to think, “oh wow that was bad. I’m embarrassed, I’ll go do my own thing now”. And that’s the kindest thing you can do for yourself and him.
First of all, it sounds like you handled the breakup very well, and if you’re still feeling any guilt about that, I, an internet stranger, am authorizing you to let it go. Women are expected to be responsible for men’s feelings to an impossible degree, when the reality is that sometimes sad things just happen and he’s going to have to deal with it like a grownup.
Second of all, document everything. Keep any emails he sends you (if you don’t want to have access to them yourself, forward them to a trusted friend before you delete them). Take notes of when the hang-up calls happen, and any related information (you say you don’t know if they’re from him – is there a phone number associated with them at all?). He’s already explicitly violated a very gentle, reasonable boundary (“please stop emailing me”) because he feels entitled to make you deal with his feelings; it probably won’t escalate, but it could.
Don’t discount your discomfort with his behavior because you feel like you’re the “bad guy” in this situation – you didn’t do anything wrong here.
Don’t forget that if you have a smartphone, you can screencap your call log, which is quicker than writing everything down sometimes! Usually it’s the power button and the volume-down at the same time.
There’s a magical app called If This Then That that lets you connect an event to an action. It’s super easy to use too, no programming skills needed. For example, I set up an IFTTT that saves my call log to a Google spreadsheet.
You have already gently requested him to stop. I think you’re well within your rights to send him one last message saying firmly and without explanations that he needs to stop contacting you. After that, I would ignore, as any response will just re-invigorate his attempts at communication. I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this situation! 🙁
Yeah, this is really important — any communication you DO give him only tells him “it takes xx days of calling/xx emails to get her to respond.” You need to stop responding entirely.
OK. That’s advice I am going to take. Thank you.
HERE TO AGREE. DO NOT CONTACT HIM. As has been said above, keep a record of what he does/says, check your online security features, warn your friends, and I’d change my phone number. Stay far away from him. You’ve made your position clear, and that was the kindest thing you could do. Now cutting him off so he internalizes the message is the kindest thing you can do — to both of you (why be kinder to him then you’re being to yourself? He’s not worrying about what you want.)
Gavin de Becker’s book The Gift of Fear has some illuminating thoughts on stalkers, shooters, and creeps of all types, and really illuminates the psychology of both aggressor and victim. It’s a good read.
Thanks. I think that it will be ok in the end, I just woke up feeling a bit “very small in a big world” about it this morning.
Luckily, you have The Toast to puff up your size and reduce the size of the world <3
This is all very kindly & very generous of you. I needed some shoring up. It’s so easy alone in my little brain to think that I’m overreacting, or being a terrible human. <3 U TOASTIES.
If you celebrate a gifting holiday, what are you giving or getting (or have gotten) this year that is making you particularly happy?
I am hunting down an old record with ‘Sounds of the Space Age’ on it for my partner, and if I find it I’m going to be so pleased, it’s perfect for him!
I haven’t started christmas shopping in earnest yet, BUT my dad’s birthday was this monday, and I got him some FANCY IMPORTED MUSTARD for his sausage/wurst obsession, and I’m so proud of that success that it is filling me with verve and joy for tackling the rest of my gifting list.
This year I’m getting my parents some wrought iron sconces, which are lovely but also bittersweet, because they’re for their new house several states away from my childhood home. Last year I got my dad (a former history teacher, forever historian) a handkerchief from the 1901 Pan-American Exposition, where William McKinley was assassinated (we have always had a father-daughter obsession with the musical Assassins). It was a totally bizarre gift, but he loved it, and I was reminded how grateful I am to have a dad who appreciates a 100+ year old tissue.
Presents aren’t much of a thing in my family beyond ‘Here’s a silly little thing I got you so you’d have something to open on Christmas’
But we had work Secret Santa last night and some lovely person got me a book of 200 crochet stitches! Its actually the best present, and exactly what I wanted! (I learned to crochet last Christmas, but I’ve been stuck only using the granny stick and I’ve been trying to figure out new stitches without much success, but now I have a book!)
I can’t tell you the present I’m most excited to give, because the person receiving it reads the Toast!
But I’m getting this wonderful queer utopian comic for my other sister: http://www.czapbooks.com/product/futchi-perf
And I made my mom a beautiful hat.
I asked for Mallory’s book, and if I actually get it, this will make me very happy.
(But I’m secretly afraid I will end up with a copy of actual Jane Eyre.)
Pretty sure I’m giving Mallory’s book to at least two different people this year.
My dinosaur and book loving niece is getting a beautiful, hardcover, anniversary edition of Dinotopia and it took all of my strength to not read it before wrapping it/steal it for my own.
The Burgomaster gave me a set of these salt blocks (not these, though, he bought some of the culinary ones which are larger and cheaper). I think some of the health claims about them are pretty out there, but I can’t deny they’re making my feet feel great. He gave them to me early so I could use them during my entire convalescence. I’ve used them for about 20 minutes three or four times a day all week and I’ve had no ankle or foot swelling issues post-surgery, despite being nearly immobile.
My brother loves French onion soup, like a lot, and really likes cooking, and I asked my old roommate to give me her French boyfriend’s family recipe for it. I was afraid she wouldn’t because she tends to ignore my messages and I know people get kind of leery about family stuff like that (it’s literally hand written by his great- grandma) BUT SHE DID. It’s a Festivus miracle. I can’t wait to give it to him.
ooh can you post the recipe if it is not too much of a pain, I have been searching for a good recipe and had some terrifically wasteful disasters?
I’ll try to remember to post it when I get home from work!
My favorite gifts to get are the ones for my sisters, because we know each other so well that I have no anxiety about whether I’m getting them something they will like, and usually I’m very excited to give them! One of my sisters this year asked for a set of mixing bowls (she just moved into a new place) and I found a perfect set of vintage pyrex bowls at my favorite antique store. They are gorgeous and will last forever and I wish I needed mixing bowls so that I could get them for me, and I am so excited I get to give them to someone who will love them!
I wish I could be as confident about what I’m getting for my girlfriend; it is our first Christmas and all of the sudden I feel like I somehow know nothing about the person I am have been dating for 6 months? How do people do this.
I have gotten my fiance a bunch of things, but the gift I’m most excited for him to open are these Bernese Mountain Dog boxers! He’s gonna lose his shit.
https://www.jcrew.com/mens_category/underwearslee…
I just sent my dear friend a teeny-tiny package from the World’s Smallest Post Service, because she adores tiny boxes and other very little things. It arrived yesterday and she reacted with such glee. It has sustained me through this entire blah Friday.
I got a lovely handmade teacup for my mom that I almost wanted to keep for myself. The potter did mention that she had a matching one at her studio so I could call her if I wanted it. It’s rather tempting…
As per my boyfriend’s request, I’m photoshopping a “Bad-Ass Presidential Portrait”-inspired poster featuring our new Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau. You could say that we’re a little excited about the new Liberal majority. I’m terrible at photoshop, but I’m hoping that will be part of the charm. And it’s been fun to make so far! (http://www.ucreative.com/inspiration/you-be-inspired-bad-ass-presidential-portraits-by-jason-heuser/ for a visual)
Socks!!! With octopodes!! For everyone, except also some arm-warmers and additional socks.
GUYS.
STAR WARS IS HAPPENING IN ONE WEEK.
I am filled with EMOTIONS.
I am trying SO HARD not to have any emotions at all about it.
My plan is to stay entirely uninvested in it, wait for people I trust to see it, let them set my expectations, THEN decide to see it in the theater, tell my partner I’m going to go see it, let him know he’s welcome to go with me if he wants, have him say he will NOT be coming with me but I should enjoy it, and then at the last possible second have him change his mind and come with me anyway, see it, and THEN, and ONLY THEN, will I consider letting myself get excited in any way.
I am having mixed results so far.
I have dived full throttle into emotions and expectations like an osprey with a death wish. I tutor/mentor a twelve year old boy though so it’s a little hard not to. Through him I get to keep up with all of the recent SW media. If the Marvel comics and Rebels are any indication of quality I think we’re in good hands.
I’ll be seeing it Thursday night. Next open thread I will give you a yea or nay. Though I’ll probably be gibbering a fair bit.
This is me exactly, other than that I am going to see it no matter what. I just want to have appropriate expectations. but it is hard. So very hard. I am such a fan of John Boyega, and recently watching Attack the Block did not help.
Attack the Block is perfect and is the #1 reason I am so excited for SW. That or Ex Machina (Gleeson and Isaac!)
Ex Machina is also excellent, though I do prefer Attack the Blocks.
John Boyega is love. John Boyega is life. I’m so happy he’s gotten such a high-profile role, and i’m so excited for the representation his role as Finn is bringing.
That’s my plan as well. It worked well for the prequels (I waited until reviews came out, and since they were uniformly negative, I decided not to see them.) A friend of mine got tickets to the preview showing, so I’m waiting for her to report back.
But I have seen the trailers, and they look so good…
hahahaha no
“Chewie, we’re home.”
dun dun DAH-DUN-DAAAHHHHHH and then my heart just explodes and i smile so hard my face hurts
and then I cry
lots
DON’T REMIND ME I AM TRYING REALLY HARD THIS IS NOT EASY
I am opposite. I am letting myself feel ALL THE EMOTIONS and then I will see it myself next weekend without knowing what other people think of it. If I am going to be disappointed or pleased, I want those reactions unfiltered by what other people feel.
I fully embrace the hype. Just the experience of being excited for something is pretty fun, so I let myself enjoy the excitement and then even if the movie itself is a disappointment I at least had fun in the months leading up to it. Also, I’ll be seeing it as part of a viewing party with an on-site breakfast bar, so I’m gonna have a good day either way.
I am trying hard to temper expectations. I remember sitting in a theater for The Phantom Menace in the company of my most Star Warsysiest friend and being crushingly underwhelmed.
I swore this time would be different…
but…
There is an organised group from work going, and I totally asked one of the organizers to double-confirm my booking yesterday.
I am apparently not blasé in the least about it.
I am doing such a terrible job at keeping my expectations low.
I know I am only setting myself up for spectacular failure with mine, but I have faith.
UGH ME TOOOOO. I have spent the entire year studiously avoiding spoiler and avoiding getting excited and it’s all gone to shit in the last five days. I feel like a little kid.
I managed not to see anything from it until the trailer in front of Mockingjay Part 2. I’m veering wildly between sheer unabated excitement, and my memories of the heart pummelling I took with the prequels.
So trying, trying very hard to be nonchalant so I can’t be disappointed.
Oh GOD I can’t believe it’s so soon. I’m trying so hard not to get my expectations up too high but in all honesty they are in the stratosphere.
Splurging to take the five-year-old to see it on IMAX in 3D. Gonna blow his little mind!!!
SO MANY EMOTIONS. It does not help that everywhere you turn, there is another commercial or ad or article promoting the movie. I’ve given in at this point. I have tickets to an opening night IMAX showing. I am currently making a Leia costume. I feel like I’m standing in front of sixth-grade me, the awkward little hawk who sat around with her Star Wars collectible cards and tried to bobby-pin her hair into cinnamon buns, and giving her a hug and saying “don’t worry. The nerds win, and it is AWESOME.”
Seriously. Most of my emotions are probably for little middle school nerd me. The one who was told that girls couldn’t like Star Wars and that I didn’t actually know anything about it and remember that time when they took your eu book and dumped soda on it and threw it in the trash?
Baby, you win in the end.
Listen I will personally go Mara Jade on them for you.
Emotions AND frustration, because I live nowhere near a first-run theatre and it will be JANUARY before I can see the movie. Do I go into full media blackout from the 18th on to avoid spoilers, or do I not care and read all of the reviews – haven’t quite decided yet!
Because of the prequels my friend group is either trying to stay neutral or crap on the film. I think though that it’s time to wonder, what if it’s good? Lile universally praised Avengers Assemble good? Then what?
Then everything is awesome.
I am filled with despair because I do not have an opening day ticket at the moment and what am I even doing with my life?
i hope it is good because I am already committed to getting a cruciform lightsaber.
All my friends are, like, “cautiously optimistic” at best and I have THROWN CAUTION TO THE WIND, THIS MOVIE IS GONNA BE GREAT I CAN FEEL IT, I REFUSE TO MANAGE MY EXPECTATIONS. (This is also how I behaved for the entire prequel trilogy, raising the question: where is the line between optimism and plain stupidity?)
IT’S GOING TO BE THE BEST, IT’S GOING TO WAKE UP YOUR INNER CHILD WHO WORE OUT THREE SETS OF VCR TAPES BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH XE WATCHED THEM, IT’S GOING TO REAWAKEN YOUR HOPE AND JOY
(and everybody’s going to remember that before they were all cool and old they actually wanted to be Luke and not Han, nobody likes Han when they’re a kid, nobody realizes roguish assholes can be sexy until they’re older)
My Grandma is a huge Star Wars fan. Ever since they announced this movie she has been saying that she hopes she is alive long to get to see it. She is alive, although not in great health. This week I bought tickets for a local theater with reserved seating and recliners, not great seats since her mobility issues trump anything else, but we are going to see it the weekend after it opens. Along with my sister and her husband, aunt and her son, and cousin and her boyfriend. I don’t care if it turns out to be two hours of JarJar Binks singing and dancing as long as Grandma gets to see it. (I hope it isn’t that, though)
I’m so nervous! Because it might suck and because I don’t have tickets and I’m not sure when I can squeeze it in. I was going to trty to coordinate with my group but the earliest they can go is a weekend and a half after it opens. I’m tempted to say screw it and try to squeeze an earlier showing in my schedule.
I am currently working my way through the original trilogy with my 8yo (she is sensitive, she was not ready before), and it has been amazing. I had forgotten how much fun they were, and seeing my kid experience them for the first time is awesome.
I am driving an hour and a half to see this movie (no movie theatre where I live). And the theatre I’m seeing it in does not sell tickets online, so I will have to arrive like two hours early to make sure I get a ticket (so I’ll be eating dinner in that town as well). My dad is worried about me driving at night on the icy roads, so he’s coming too. It’ll be a Dad-daughter day thing and I am so excited.
I am required (REQUIRED) to see it with my dad. But we live in different cities, so I won’t be seeing it opening weekend.
THE STRUGGLE OF AVOIDING SPOILERS MIGHT KILL ME.
I’ll be seeing it on Christmas Day. Not our holiday, I’m off work and taking the train down that morning and we’re seeing it in the afternoon. I’m going to have a full WEEK to wait. AHHHHH.
I am going to see Star Wars on the big beautiful screen at the Brooklyn Academy of Music, which I didn’t even know was a thing that was happening until I saw a SIDEBAR AD for it HERE on this very website, which I promptly clicked on and bought tickets through. The moral? Whitelist the Toast in your adblocker for serendipity’s sake!
I am seeing it Saturday the 19th in IMAX at the Air and Space Museum, and then again the following week with my dad, and I tried for so long to be cautiously optimistic and not get too excited but at this point I just revert to six years old every time I think about it.
That Other Franchise. My friend is a Fan and got tickets for the first possible screening in original language and so, yeah, I said I’d come – I Did Not Know that the screening is at midnight. I will need to drink all the caffeine things.
Okay, okay, I’ll admit to being totally excited and having emotions. All my professional disdain (No, I do not do Star Wars in The Thesis. Those Are not the Droids I am researching for) kind of went out of the window around the time I saw the first trailer.
I CAN’T WAIT!
As someone who did a 14-page term paper in college on John William’s use of the leitmotif in the original trilogy’s score, all I can say is. . . I KNOW!
*bounces with glee*
Knitting thread.
I lack pictures but I started childrec’s bees the other night. http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/childeric…
And last night at knitting group (can’t bring lace there, I’d lose count by the 3rd dick joke) started another hat for a group that collects for Syrian refugees. https://www.facebook.com/SavethebabiesSyria
Whatcha making, Toasties?
I am making the absolute ugliest socks ever. That’s what happens when you let the boy pick colors – he immediately goes for the neon yellow and bright green. The stripes are all powers of two, because nothing else will do.
I’m knitting a pair of baby pants from the most fucked-up pattern on the planet. None of the stitch counts make any sense and the basic math is way off, so instead of just mindlessly humming and knitting, I have to pay attention what kind of rude trick
In any case, this baby is going to be incredibly wooled out come January. Just the way I like my babies.
I need to start planning something for a friend/coworker person due in… April? I think. I’m thinking blanket over a sweater, but I haven’t even started looking at patterns. siiiiiigh.
I’m seaming a sweater! It’s so boring. When that’s done I’m going to start the pemberley blanket
I am making a dead boring hat as a gift for my stepdad (he appreciates hats!), using http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/barley-2
And as a birthday present to myself, I bought yarn and started a Persian Dreams Worsted. I’ve got one hex out of 24 done, and it is the only thing I remotely want to do right now: http://www.ravelry.com/projects/mkmorrow/persian-…
(I’m watching Great British Baking Show while knitting these days. It is perfect and I love it.)
I am making a blanket for my grandma. It’s very simple and it’s the last gift I have to finish and it’s taking foreverrrr. When it’s done I want to start my first hat–does anyone have any good tips or patterns for beginners hat-making?
Hats are great! I made this one twice a few years ago, and would be happy to send you the pattern if you want. http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/renfrew
That hat looks amazing! Thanks!
Lovely! I’m making Newsom, and am done with it technically, but realized I wanted the fronts to be more swoopy so short rows it is. And then I can FINALLY get on to the mittens I’ve been hankering to make forever. Or maybe knit something in a weight that isn’t fingering?
A lace cowl out of bright orange cashmere. Super soft, excellent meeting knitting (no dick jokes at my meetings usually)
I just started two projects – a sock yarn hat recommended by another Toastie (I can’t remember who, but thank you! I’m not ready to tackle socks just yet) and a scarf for donation. Both are pretty simple patterns which will be suitable for the Very Long Plane Trip I’m about to embark upon.
I am not a knitter, but I’m hijacking this thread with my recently-finished embroidery project. I need to iron out the fabric, and it is just on a random bit of fabric with no purpose and no intent to display, but I am very pleased with it anyway:
Lord, how I wish I could get away with paying you All The Money and displaying that on my office wall.
Most excellent crafting!!!
DISPLAY THAT
YOU WIN.
My first complete sweater! I am almost finished with the first sleeve which means I am so very close but I also hated the first sleeve so…
(It is a vintage pattern on straight needles but very very simple)
I’m working on a short sleeved sweater for myself (first knit project I’ve made for me!) using this pattern: http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/second-st…
I’m just about done both sides and then I’ll need knit them together.
I decided last weekend to make my aunt a pair of slipper socks for xmas. The good news is I’m using bulky yarn and big needles so I already have 1 done. But I have exactly 1 week and 2 days to knit the other, finish 2 tiny cross stitches, and sew like 4 little things. And bake cookies. This was maybe not my brightest idea.
The Mason-Dixon knitters have a COLORING BOOK out and I am all about that business. It went straight to the top of my Christmas list.
I have about three or four projects going and none of them interest me, which is sad. But two of them are Christmas projects that are nice and easy and should be done quickly. One is a fair isle headband for my roommate which should be fun, but I can’t seem to find a color combo that I really like. The second is a pair of socks and due to pooling I’m doing an afterthought heel, which I don’t really like. But I love the yarn!
I am making my second pair of Longbourn mitts, because everyone I know is getting fingerless mitts for the holidays this year. They are quick yet satisfyingly fancy looking.
LOVE that bee shawl, great choice!
Ugh. I started a pair of thick worsted weight socks awhile ago that I was doing two at a time. At first I was blown away by the method and felt like a knitting machine. But then I got effed up big time in the heel and now the project’s been sitting sad and rejected in the bottom of my bedside table for months because it’s going to take some serious brainpower to fix and I haven’t had the motivation yet.
I’m thinking maybe I’ll pick up some yarn for a hat. I’ve learned I really can’t make anything larger than that or with yarn smaller than worsted or else I get bored.
Is anyone out there amazing at swatching/getting gauge? I suck at it. Partly I think it’s a patience issue, of not making an adequate enough swatch, and partly I think it’s a math issue, in that I suck at math. Even knitting gauge math. Would love any little tips anyone might have!
I am making this. I have made all the squares but need to do the embroidery/edging and then join them all together and for some reason I have not been working on it. I meet the baby it is for the Sunday after Christmas, so I need to finish the darn thing!
I joined Kate Davies’ Seven Skeins Club! So far I’ve only made the Pawkies (which are warm and wooly and beautiful), but I’m going to make the striped bunnet for a friend, and some Whigmaleeries as Christmas presents for one of my aunts. The yarn is lovely to work with, sturdy and woolly and grippy but still soft. And thanks to the patterns I’ve learned how to do a tubular cast-on, which is magic.
Also I bought yarn to make myself an Omena vest. I think that’ll be a travel project for the winter break.
I’m stalled out on my own knitting, but have (foolishly) convinced my kid, who doesn’t know how to knit (yet), that the best Secret Santa classmate gift (they all have to be handmade) would be a knit cowl. So we bought some super-chunky color-variegated chenille afghan yarn and he will, hopefully, soon be rocking the garter stitch in a time-efficient fashion.
My goal is to finish some multi-year projects (good intentions-time-means they are picked up and dropped a lot). I’ve given up on the afghans I was supposed to be making. I am going to try to finish my aunt’s plein air tote that just needs sewn up and a lining….in the next two hours.
I am making sil an oranje sweater, because she has the body for it and loves orange, but being sick all last month means it’s not done for her today. BUT it does mean I could measure the sleeve length before I join it all up. I want to do that today but it won’t happen, I have to clean as soon as I suck down another cup of coffee.
I have a gazillion other projects that are mere glimmers in my mind, but they better manifest themselves really soon or I’ll have a really empty tree.
#grinchthread
This week was the worst, and I am beyond glad it is over. Next is going to be bad too. Then there’s Christmas and, ugh. The whole month of December is really something I would be okay skipping– the sky-high expectations, forced cheeriness and socializing, Major Life Decisions brought on by the approach of the New Year, all of it is… exhausting. Please Grinch with me in this thread if you are similarly inclined.
Solidarity grinching! I have a dysfunctional family and this time of year always makes me anxious and upset, especially the forced cheeriness.
I don’t understand the weird pressure everyone feels the need to exert upon you if you’re not cheerful around the holidays. Like, I’m not happy, is trying to make me feel bad for not being happy really going to accomplish anything at all?
I am also irritated because I posted a vague “grinch with me because everywhere else is Holiday Cheer!” note on Facebook and got a whole bunch of people who know perfectly well why I hate December spamming me with Elf gifs and I just don’t have the damn patience for it.
“Dysfunctional families” solidarity fist bump.
Yeah, the need to police other people’s feelings is gross to begin with, and then add people who know why you might not be cheery? Yuck. I’d be irritated too. I’m really only getting the pressure from work friends, because my family has pretty much stopped pretending to be happy every year.
It would be nice to hibernate until January.
Coworkers are also where I’m getting it from. I have one coworker in particular who is extremely outspoken about FAAAAAMILY and decorates the entire (50-person) office for Christmas and I just can’t deal with it. Everyone else here loves her and she just annoys the hell out of me because she’s so forceful about how everybody should be happy all the time. She actually reported me to HR once because she overheard me telling someone else that I don’t speak to my father and it “created a negative work environment.” UGH.
tl;dr fully support hibernation until January.
Good! Now HR knows she’s full of crazy.
Actually, I feel sorry for her — there must be something deeply wrong with her life to do this — but I can see how it’d be hell to work with. Um, you’re there to….work.
I like Christmas, but I fully agree that all the spending and overdecorating and forced cheerfulness is too much. It’s supposed to be a religious holidday! Even if you’re not religious. a time of reflection and selflessness is welcome. But that’s not what Christmas is.
At least it’s a good excuse to bake cookies.
Take care of yourself, Binfluenza, and try to keep work out of your thoughts and enjoy your time outside the office.
That is shockingly rude to spam you with elf gifs. wtf.
I don’t know, I was like “they clearly assume I will think it is funny and are not intentionally being jerks and I SHOULD think it’s funny,” except I really didn’t, and then also felt bad for being upset about it? I don’t know. It was weird and I’ve learned my lesson about grinching without an anonymous username.
i am totes over this whole thing, too. i’m an atheist. xmas means nothing to me. but my partner likes it, mostly the decorations. so i spent all last saturday helping him with that and i am now ALL OUT of whatever “holiday cheer” i am inclined to have.
and the fucking gifts! i don’t want anything and this year i am, quite frankly, too broke to be buying stuff to give to people for a holiday i give no fucks about. i’ll send a couple of cards to family to keep my mom off my ass but i’m going to have to have a convo with the partner this weekend about presents not happening. i can already see his sad panda face *sigh*
the bright sport in all of this month is that I get to meet a new tiny person on new year’s. the dude’s family is visiting and they’re bringing his almost 2 year old niece whom i’ve never met. such cutes! so hug!
This is kind of a specific grinching situation but I was told a few days ago that my sister’s awful boyfriend is coming to Christmas with my family and I can’t get rid of the rock in my stomach that appeared when I found out. I don’t know how to interact with him politely while staying consistent on my position that he doesn’t treat her well and there’s someone better out there for her. Not to mention he is very creepy and I don’t want to be in the same house as him for my own sake. Wake me up when December is over I guess.
This response has proved very useful: “Not everyone gets a happy childhood.”
I try to wield it judiciously. Sometimes with a softener. Or not, if someone is being pushy about their religion.
I’m trying to do my best with December, but it’s a slog and no mistake. My only sibling (younger brother) and I were raised by our grandparents and all of them were born and died tragically within 10 days of Christmas. Also, I used to have a wonderfully supportive, liberal and intellectually challenging home church before I moved to Mexico. Since I’m an Anglican/Episcopalian and your organized religion options in my part of Mexico are Actively Destructive Syncrenistic Catholicism or GTFO, I can’t even observe the religious aspects of the season in community. Usually I end up listening to the Christmas Eve services from Kings College Cambridge on the BBC and crying inconsolably. In a way it’s cathartic, but man, it’s not my favorite.
I think I would like to simultaneously hug you while serving you an enormous margarita.
I am very grinchy from about mid-November to mid-January. I’m an atheist with no real family, so Christmas is meh. I mostly get annoyed with all the wholesome family singalongs that seem to happen on TV, and the twee Christmas carols and glad tidings.
Also, January 2nd is the anniversary of my dog’s death (will be 2 years), and January 3rd is the anniversary of my Mom’s death (18 years), so I’m sort of absorbed in bad feelings at the same time other families are (pretending to be) happiest. The only upside is I have 0 racist uncles or Trump supporters to deal with.
Zero Trumpian idiots is one big upside. Sorry this is a cluster of crappy miserable anniversaries for you.
The holidays are mixed for me, there are still some things I love, but oh man do I have a lot of anxiety every year about going home, and I hate office holiday christmas parties. We had ours this week and I survived by volunteering to stand at the door and hand out drink tickets so I wouldn’t have to mingle. I did a guided breathing meditation beforehand. I only had to hear one comment about food guilt, thank goddess. But I got politely guilted into doing the photobooth, I am not looking forward to seeing my forced expression. There were props. >:(
Me too. I’m tired of being asked what I would like for christmas. I want my boobs to stop hurting and to shrink back to 34Cs like they are supposed to be. I want my life to be less of a disaster, but I’ll settle for keeping the disaster a secret.
I am also feeling grinchy because my usually lovely and supportive parents have suddenly turned into stereotype parents. My mom made some crack about my brother being her favorite kid because he’s the only one providing grandbabies, and my parents are starting to make noises about perhaps not coming to my PhD graduation this summer because my youngest sister might be getting married the next month. They also haven’t visited me in the state I’m living in now since my second year, and won’t be visiting in the spring. I had a hellish fall of working my ass off furiously and am feeling like there was no point to it.
Your accomplishments are amazing! I am so sorry they’re making rude noises about not coming to an incredibly important celebration for you–that’s unkind of them.
The Holidays are terrible for various depressing reasons (dysfunctional family, deathiversaries, &etc), and now that my hopeful plans are falling through I am going into full Grinch Humbug mode. Solidarity fistbumps and gentle thoughts for you and all other Toasties who are having a rough season. Fie on’t! At least I have candy cane vodka…
Emo Toasties, are you out there still? I went to go see the 10x anniverary of The Academy Is’s Almost Here last night and I have whiplash from all the rocking out I was doing, oh man.
William Beckett can STILL get it, hot damn.
I saw them open for taking back sunday in september (????? in 2015???) and man, tbs does not hold up at all but william beckett is still rocking those skinny jeans and puts on a really fun show. Also his instagram is adorable.
Oh, TBS. They’re playing two shows here next week and one of them is with Frank Iero from MCR. Everything old is new again.
Apparently the reason they started wearing skinny jeans is because he worked at the Gap and got a sweet discount! That’s what he told us last night, at least.
frank iero is SO GOOD live. like really really ridiculously fun. i was impressed! though, i still can’t get over how short he actually is in person. but i guess our massive height difference is something we will just have to overcome on our path to true love.
I’M HERE FOR THAT I’ve been listening to Bright Eyes at work all week haha. I do not know how to update my ancient Ipod so it’s full of music I loved in 2006 yikes
2005-2006 is when All The Best Stuff came out and there is apparently a 10 year tour for Matchbook Romance’s Voices AND Jack’s Mannequin’s Everything In Transit coming to my area next year and I am very, very excited for those!
Here here! Last weekend I revisited my high school CD case and listened to Taking Back Sunday’s Tell All Your Friends and Brand New’s Deja Entendu and The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me. Jesse Lacey can also get it for sure.
And now I’m falling down an emo Wikipedia rabbit hole…
Yessss Devil and God. So screamable-in-the-car. Especially “I’m not your friend!/I’m just a man who knows how to feel” and “we all got wood and nails/and tongue-tied at hate factories”
Brb, going to listen to Degausser until my speakers explode
What’s uuup!!
I was considering going to that reunion tour, but instead decided to get tickets to The Used’s two nights/two albums tour, where they’re playing self-titled and In Love And Death.
(Technically I do not know I’m attending this, because they are a Christmas present, but…)
I guess 2015 is the year of the throwback emo tour, because I just got an email informing me Mest, Hawthorne Heights, and the Ataris will be touring together in March?
Wait, Mest? I thought their lead singer was in jail!
eta: wait, nm, turns out that he didn’t really stab that dude??
He stabbed a dude??!
I was never a huge Mest fan, but I did own one album and the song collab they did with Good Charlotte. Hadn’t seen the name in a while!
OMG
I’m going this weekend and I’m really excited. I need to listen to their albums again tonight!! What was the setlist like? Did they play Almost Here in order or was it a mix?
It was in album order! I actually left just as the encore started because I am an Adult and had work today, but it looked like they had started to play songs from the other two albums (which I am totally unfamiliar with bc I feel like they peaked at Almost Here for me!!!)
Almost Here is the OG and the best. I listened to Santi in high school and would recognize the songs but Almost Here is definitely better.
Hamilton Replacement Cast Thread – when cast members eventually do start moving on, who should take over? Some (serious to not-so-much) ideas:
George Washington:
– Queen Latifah
– Taye Diggs
– David Alan Grier
Angelica:
– Uzo Aduba
– Patina Miller
King George:
– Alan Cumming
– Lea Delaria
– John Cameron Mitchell
– Macklemore (GET IT? BECAUSE HE WON’T BE ABLE TO RAP. I’m really proud of myself for this one)
King George: Lea Delaria
That would be flipping brilliant. So glad to see Lea get the attention she’s deserved for decades.
How about Lenny Kravitz as Lafayette/Jefferson? Or maybe I’ve just had too, too much booze and sugar already this holiday season 🙂
I had this thought during the Emmys opening number that King George might be an interesting challenge for Andy Samberg – although I have no idea if he can do a British accent. Just as like a little two month stuntcast during Brooklyn 99 hiatus.
I once had a nightmare where Macklemore was forcing me to do complicated obstacle courses and now I NEVER WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN. I would want an actual Brit to be George III if possible. That would be cool.
Great point, and so many possibilities! Ian McKellan! Helen Mirren! Patrick Stewart! Eddie Izzard! Tim Curry! Stunt casting but who cares.
Oh god, if Tim Curry were healthy and able, that would be my DREAM stunt casting for King George III.
IMO, Eve would be a really good Hercules Mulligan.
Gugu Mbatha Raw as Eliza.
Maybe let Stew tryout for George Washington? Just try & get two of the best musicals ever to come together.
Nathan Lane for King George.
– Macklemore (GET IT? BECAUSE HE WON’T BE ABLE TO RAP.
Hahaha, this is like when Erykah Badu said that Iggy Azalea was welcome to come to the Soul Train awards because what she’s doing DEFINITELY isn’t rap.
First-time commenter, jumping in to the open thread with a question for the toasties whom I love and have followed anonymously until now. My husband and I are expecting our first child, who will be born with the advantage of having a white penis. Assuming our child is hetero cis-gendered, this can be a huge advantage, and I want to make sure we raise him to be aware of this, and the fact that it can come at a cost to other groups. Husband made a bad joke this morning (punch line was “she was asking for it”) and I flipped out. I didn’t express my feelings very eloquently this morning, but am trying to be constructive the serious responsibility we face in raising a boy in today’s world. I’m looking for good book recommendations, articles, podcasts, any media he can consume over the next 6 months (and beyond), since I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be great at having a rational conversation on this topic.
Honestly, I just sent a link to Project Unbreakable to a harasser on twitter before blocking him, so I am not sure I am super rational right now, either, but I too am looking for One Feminist Resource To Rule Them All, so I’ll just lurk this thread.
Ooo I’m going to watch this closely because I’m in a similar situation. I’ve already shut down multiple ‘daddy with a shotgun’ jokes about our daughter from various people, wonder how to deal with this with a son.
I don’t have anything useful to say other than I think you’re doing the right thing by starting the conversation with your husband now.
Some of these were recommended in a thread – I want to say earlier this week? John Scalzi’s “Straight White Male: The Lowest Difficulty Setting There Is” is great. “White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack” is obviously the classic. Ta-Nehisi Coates’ writing is maybe a less-obvious one, but it’s timely/on-trend and talks about the things white men get to ignore even while they perpetrate them. bell hooks’ “The Will To Change” is great in terms of how the patriarchy hurts everyone, not just the women it’s actively oppressing, but the men perpetuating the oppression.
ETA: It shouldn’t be necessary to make the point that patriarchy hurts everyone, it should be enough that it hurts anyone, but it seems to help some people make the leap if they can see the damage it causes for men, too. I don’t like it, but you gotta meet people where they are and in a fucked up patriarchal society, sometimes that’s not an ideal place.
Thank you! My googling this morning yielded this article from The Muse, which includes some good links/threads to follow: https://www.themuse.com/advice/how-feminist-mothe… though I wish there were more articles on feminist fathers.
I also know I’m going to need to have rational, constructive conversations, just perhaps not today.
Yeah, this is hard. It takes a long time to become really, genuinely aware of your privilege, and it has to be something you want for yourself. I have never seen anyone seriously question a deeply held belief just by being made to read a bunch of articles – that usually just makes people double down. Reading a lot is critical, but it’s not what starts the process.
The real question here is where your husband is on his journey. Does he generally understand the validity of your concerns, but still make bad jokes sometimes? Because I was there not all that long ago. It’s a place where a lot of people can stay for a really long time (“what? it was a joke! have a sense of humor!” is a really easy way to dismiss any challenge to that position) but if the person has a well-developed sense of empathy and really starts thinking about what it means to punch down, they can find their way out again.
I agree with this somewhat. My family started talking about this stuff really early – my parents were both hippies, they grew up in families that vividly remembered experiencing anti-Irish/anti-Catholic/anti-German sentiment, and the numerous members of the family who would have died without government help during the Great Depression, and now we’re pretty well-off, so there was a lot of “We’re donating $X every year to charities A, B, and C, we’re going to Habitat every other weekend, etc.” They made it clear from my childhood that we were lucky, that we made it out because we got help, not because we were special, and that we had a moral responsibility to pay that forward.
But if you didn’t get that grounding, I think reading some of the literature can act like the ice pick, cracking you open and starting the process of becoming conscious.
“…we got out because we got help, not because we were special, and that we had a moral responsibility to pay that forward.”
Sorry to thread hijack, but yes, so much this! I wish all the bootstrappers/meritocracy/prosperity gospel types understood this.
Yes. I’ll freely admit I wasn’t fully aware of my own privilege until Ferguson (and am still learning). I think my husband is pretty far along – we’ve had great conversations about how he’s now perceiving how women in his company may be treated differently and what to do about it, and in many areas I think his empathy is more developed than mine, especially as it relates to our financial privilege.
He just has a tendency to make this one particular joke, and while I’m always annoyed/he always writes it off as a joke, today made me realize that we must always be vigilent in our words/actions at home so as not to send unconscious/subtle messages to our son.
That’s good! We can work with that!
I’m a very recent father of a firstborn son myself (seven weeks Monday!) and there was (and is) definitely plenty I had (and have) to learn to un-model – not just insensitive jokes and behaviors, but all the other things you don’t want your child thinking are normal, like living on your cell phone. So this is a perfect time for challenging assumptions and recognizing bad behaviors, for both of you! I’m sure you’re already working on that, whether consciously or not. If you invite him into your own struggle, it may help him view this as a challenge that you are working on together as parents, not a problem with him you feel you need to fix.
The impending kiddo also helps because it gives you the chance to make a conscious effort to seek out less-heard voices for your child’s bookshelf. A friend of ours got us a bunch of Flamingo Rampant books, for example (published by Toast-friend S. Bear Bergman!), and there’s something about reading about issues from the perspective of a child that really helps re-center things. They don’t have to be very message-heavy books – just stories about kids who don’t look just like your son can really help expand his concept of humanity. So look for children’s and baby books about, by, and/or starring women, girls, and people of color, and get your husband into reading them before baby comes along. It can help! (It’s also pretty cute to watch your spouse reading baby books; highly recommended.)
Congrats on the coming Little!
And talking about this stuff is an excellent foundation.
I read a fantastic article somewhere or other — which I’d link to but I can’t find it, curses! — by a woman who decided to give her kid brother (or maybe it was her young son?) a ton of books with girl characters to read, because she was so sick of hearing that “boys won’t read books about girls.” And he grew up thinking that of course stories about girls were worth reading. And there were some great observations in there about how much representation matters, and how readily people assume that men just aren’t interested in knowing anything about women’s lives. Also, this Captain Awkward column about dating, especially the “seek out women’s stories” advice, makes some of the same points.
So I don’t know if I have a specific recommendation other than “ask him to read/consume lots of media created by women and/or specifically about women,” but I think it does have an effect.
Get him to follow Mallory on Twitter. The rest just grows naturally from there.
We made 2 white male people, and all signs point to them being tall & normative. They get lots of practice being the dominant paradigm, but they also have me as their mom, so they feel bad about it. And they know they’ll have my approbation when they scold their friends for sexist remarks, or point out the inherent privilege in literature, or look at me like I’m confused about what year it is if I ask about microagressions in the lab where he’s interning, since he’s one of the few white men in the place & the lowest on the totem pole so he takes coffee to his women bosses and curries their favor.
You’ve got decades to shape your son’s influences (congrats on him, by the way!), and those for your husband, as well. He’ll learn more about his privilege because you’re opening his eyes over time, and in ten years or so, your son will be calling you both out for things he sees because that’s just the way the world is shaped around him now (which is great.) (My 14 year old once yelled at my 19 year old because he worried his brother was underage-drinking on campus, and if his brother wasn’t a middle class white guy that would lead to serious repercussions.) (Michael Brown was a few months younger than my oldest, which was sobering enough for him, but hit his little brother on a level none of us had considered.)
So – it’s okay. He seems like a good guy, your husband, who could use some sensitivity work. Put some Mallory & Nicole in his life, lots of Ta-Nehisi Coates, some NPR Codeswitch. Find a calmer & direct way to say “your joke (implication/comment/bs you flat-out said) bothers me on a couple of levels, can we talk about that?” but know that when Baby Lemonpani comes along, your concerns are going to be as vital and mundane as with any newborn, and you’ve got time before his daddy’s bad jokes impact his way of viewing the world. And in that time, he’ll learn, and stop making them.
Toast, this Christmas is going to kind of suck. My dad has terminal cancer (whee), my mom is recovering from foot surgery and mobility limited, I’m out of work for two weeks for a plant shutdown (unpaid), and my husband is going away for a month in January and then in March, I’m still not pregnant, and we’re moving again next spring.
So in the effort of cheer, what Christmas-themed media do you like at the holidays? I always end up rereading the Laura Ingalls Wilder books’ Christmas sections, because they’re excellent (Christmas in the Big Woods! Mr Edwards meeting Santa! Almanzo and his knife!) and the part of Anne of Green Gables where Matthew gives her the brown gloria dress. What else is heartwarming and cheery?
I’m not sure it counts as heartwarming, but I love getting together with a bunch of friends and watching the 1964 classic “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.” It’s one of those bad movies that just keeps on giving.
My cousin, who is in her fifties, watches the Little House on the Prairie Christmas movie every year. If I’m there I watch it with her. I think Hallmark shows it but you could probably find it streaming elsewhere.
Also, “Elf.”
I like to reread “The Dark Is Rising” and a kid’s book I think of as Yo Unto You a Child Is Born but is maybe actually “The Best Christmas Pageant Ever.”
I re-read Dark is Rising every Christmas too! I’m on chapter 3 or 4 right now.
I am overdue for a re-read of Dark is Rising, but another of my xmas favorites is Hogfather by Terry Pratchett, the wry, warm humor always makes me feel better about humanity in general.
Hurrah for The Hogfather! I read that book every year and watch the film. My brother, two years ago, bought me a special edition, hardcover, autographed copy of the book and it is now one of my most treasured possessions. I don’t know why I love this book so much, but it warms my heart completely whenever I read it.
Yes for Hogfather, in any media possible–book, film, audiobook, all three! All the mythic goodness of the season without any Extra Added Xianity (for those of us of the non-X persuasion).
Just replying to cheer your selection of Ingalls Wilder as cheery. It is always good to remind yourself that at least, you don’t have to twist hay into logs and grind your own wheat.
But I do think the secret Santa brush/comb set Almanzo gets her is sort of like the most romantic thing, and has basically colored my perception of all gifts boyfriends/now husband gives me
riiiiiiight? I had a nerve-wracking appointment this week, and while I was waiting (and waiting and waiting) in the waiting room, I read Laura’s memory of sneaking out to look at the creek, all swollen with rain, and getting pulled into it, and hanging on until she could pull herself out
and I thought “See? At least you aren’t going to get sucked into a raging floodwater. You’re fiiiiiiiine.”
First of all, I’m sending you all the hugs right now!
For some heartwarming full of nostalgia Christmas cheer, I turn to Will Vinton’s Claymation Christmas. We used to watch it on TV every year, but now we find it on Youtube. It has (1) talking dinosaurs as hosts (2) a musical number by the California raisins (3) a running gag centered around the word “wassailing” (4) ice skating walruses. It is made of pure delight and brings me joy every time I watch it.
Similarly, the Muppet Family Christmas as found on Youtube, preferably with all the original commercials in there, is another treat. It has muppets! Sesame Street folks! And Fraggles! (My little brother and I had a VHS of the taped special and watched it so many times before it finally died that we STILL have most of the commercials memorized.)
I have a VHS tape from 1987 of Claymation Christmas and I watch it every year, even the thirty year old christmas commercials. It is the best!!
While not explicitly a Christmas movie, Little Women (the one with Winona Ryder and Susan Sarandon) has a lot of Christmas scenes and caroling and snow and always puts me in a holiday mood. It was also the movie I used to watch when I was home sick throughout school and into college.
YESSSSS. I also find myself re-reading LW–it feels Christmas-y just because it starts out with a Christmas chapter, even though obviously the whole book isn’t about it.
We try and watch the 1990s Godzilla with Matthew Broderick.
I think this began because somehow it was always on cable in December? And then one of the torrents I downloaded was a Russian version, and IDK how Dinosaurs = Christmas in my house, but that’s where we are at. I am either winning at parenting or have ruined my kids.
(ps – Yes, we also have a big light up Christmas T Rex)
My mom, aunt, uncle and I have started watching terrible SyFy-type movies on Christmas evening, and it’s been great.
Last year we watched “Snowmaggedon”, and my mom just bought a DVD of “Sharknado 3” for this year.
I re-read The Dark is Rising, and read or listen to the audiobook of The Golden Compass, which feels Christmasy to me because it has a lot of cold and snow. And it does… have god in it? I’m also re-listening to the audiobook of American Gods, which also takes place partly in the Christmas season, and also is about gods.
Sending hugs and tea to help with a rough holiday season!
My Christmas media is a little traditional: I always reread Christmas Carol and 101 Dalmatians at my parents’ house each year. And for the past few years, my siblings and I all watch the musical Community Christmas episode
Hugs and warm thoughts to you. That all sounds really, really hard.
On the happy cheery spectrum, I really love Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas. Adorable river-dwelling otter puppet family + really great songs.
This next one may actually be more challenging/cathartic than cheery per se, but my husband turned me on to Fanny and Alexander, a long 4-part TV movie by Ingmar Bergman. The first part takes place at Christmas and it’s actually pretty sweet and magical, but also, you know, Ingmar Bergman-y. As a content warning, one of the fathers in the story is terminally ill, but it doesn’t really come up until the end of the first installment. I don’t really know if this is what you’re looking for right now, but if it is, I hope you enjoy it. It’s really rich and lovely.
ETA: My “come up,” I mean, the illness is quietly discussed in one scene or two, nothing sudden or shocking.
All I can wish you is fortitude and equanimity, and the resources to show love to your family but also to turn off the love-faucet when you need to restore yourself.
The Creature Comforts 12 Days of Christmas episode (claymation animals with the voices of the Great British Public trying to sing the partridge-in-a-pear-tree song) is standard holiday viewing in our house.
Muppet Family Christmas, Muppet Christmas Carol, and the Father Christmas bits of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe are my go-to holiday cheer options.
Muppet Christmas Carol, yes. No cheeses for us meeses!
One of my favorite things to do on Christmas is go through my family’s copy of Norman Rockwell’s Christmas Book; it’s a collection of classic Xmas poems, songs, and stories, interspersed with prints of Norman Rockwell’s holiday-themed paintings. It’s perfect for dipping into when you just need a little brightness.
Good thoughts to you and yours, aravis. <333
I love the glut of made for TV xmas movies that have come out in the last few years. They’re terrible! The plots are terrible, the characters are terrible, everything about them is terrible. But they’re so good! Plus, as a rule, they star at least 1 actor who was also on a beloved television series. I saw one last weekend that had actors from Full House, 7th Heaven, and The OC and was basically a Groundhog’s Day knock off!
re: Laura Ingalls Wilder – my family constantly jokes about the part where Pa gets stuck in a snowbank he eats all the Christmas candy but saves them the sardines. (“The tin was too hard to open” SURE)
The only thing I always watch every single year is Ingmar Bergman’s “Fanny and Alexander”, which is…. well, very NOT heart-warming and cheery in parts, but full of all kinds of good stuff about magic and the human experience.
It is a very emotional thing for me, in large part because the grandmother in the film reminds me so much of my own. And the happy times early on (set at Christmas, with the extended family) make me very nostalgic, too. Those parts are definitely heartwarming, plus it’s fun to see how upper-middle-class Swedish people celebrated Christmas in that era.
I’m so sorry about your dad– it’s such a difficult thing at any time, but especially this time of year. I’ll be thinking of you.
First, that sucks, and I am so sorry you’re going through such shittiness. In terms of cheer? “White Christmas” is my jam–fast forward through the silly dialogue to the dancing, if that is what makes you happy. I also re-read “The Blue Castle” every winter, and it is marvelously joyful. I really enjoy doing small crafts, like making ornaments, or easy sewing projects like a foofy tulle party skirt–you feel accomplished when it’s done, and it’s not a huge headache to do.
I really, really hope January brings you a year of peace, honey.
I spent all day yesterday listening to Otis Redding and thinking about talking to a dude who makes me feel bad about myself.
Not today though! Because pickle cat. Piiiiiiickle Caaaaaat
Also, I started cross-stitching a misandrist sex tip for a white elephant exchange and it looks so good already and it makes me stupid happy.
I would love to see the pickle cat but that is just a link back to the open thread!
Aaaaah, my html skills are failing me. Here’s the url because my brain is broken: http://dn.ht/picklecat/
Yesss, I always miss Open Thread! Anyone want to talk jobs? I’ve been working at mine for the last two years and have been job hunting for half of that time which is…depressing. Anyone else in the same situation and have advice/nice stories to keep morale up?
I’ve spent the majority of my afternoon avoiding work and leching on photos of Trudeau to give you an idea of how fed up I am.
I’ve been at my horrid job two and a half years and searching for one and a half. I live in a small town, so it’s really limited, and now I’ve given up searching since I’m moving in a few months anyhow. It SUCKS so very bad,but hanging out at Ask a Manager helps–tons of advice and success stories.
I have three part-time / contract jobs right now and am applying for more. Multiple streams of income, ho!
I did apply for a few full-time jobs that seemed too good to pass up, thinking I could juggle a few 60-hour workweeks for a while, but ugh, I don’t want to be a zombie by 4pm every day again, not for a while, anyways.
I have a job exam on Monday (if I pass, I get an interview) and just applied for another job yesterday. I’ve noticed a slow but steady increase in the number of Canadian govt librarian positions available and I’m hoping this means the floodgates are opening again and I’ll be able to move on from my current less-than-ideal situation.
I just moved cities and I’ve been applying to jobs like crazy and so far have only learned of one job that I didn’t get. It’s a bummer and we’re broke. The thing that gets to me the most is the lack of consideration on the end of people who take in the applications and say NOTHING. ugh, how hard is it to set up a mailing list and send out an auto reply letting people know that the position has been filled? For one job application I had to write an essay. It took me all day! Ok rant over. I need to hear from someone who got a job out of the blue or something.
RIGHT?? The amount of organisations, not tiny ones either! – big, respectable organisations who have just let my application float has really surprised me! I don’t need individual feedback, just let me know I didn’t get it!
Some of these I have network connections at and still didn’t hear. And the ones that are non-profits, I don’t even know what they’re thinking, because if I were talking to someone about these places I’d have to say, “oh yeah they seem really not on top of their shit”. I wouldn’t encourage anyone to be a donor at those kind of places.
I got laid off from a job I loved and had held for 2.5 years due to the company shrinking. My last day there was Nov 20, and I IMMEDIATELY (like Nov 21) started a new job that I was uncertain about from the beginning. I’m still at it, but it seems like it will be changing and/or going away by mid-Jan or so, and I’d be pretty okay with that.
It’s confusing because it’s very easy at the moment, and the money is fine, but it’s just weird to not care at all about my job after such a long time loving my work and coworkers. Meh. I’m just in this boring holding pattern of looking for new jobs and half-heartedly doing the job I have until it potentially disappears.
I’ve been doing a job search since…August. Finished my Master’s and looking for a FT job since then. I did get one offer, for less than I made at my pre-MA job, in a more expensive city, in a more demanding position with more hours required at the office. Turned it down, because I value my sanity.
It’s really hard not to be super demotivated by the lack of response from most places. I try to just tell myself that the perfect job could call me tomorrow for an interview. You never know when it’s going to happen. That works some of the time! Biggest key is to not take it personally when you don’t get it. That has been a hard lesson for me. I’m in an industry where 300-500 people are applying for the same ONE job that I am, so yeah I’m going to get rejected a lot. It usually means someone knew someone through networking, not that I was a useless applicant.
So has anyone every lost something rather large and presumably non-lose-able? I seem to have misplaced a changing bag the size of my torso. We have had guests and generally end of term craziness at my house and I just realized I haven’t seen it in a while (switched to different one) then panicked and realized there was a gift certificate for $$$ in there, looked at all reasonable places, searched brain, and basically have concluded that I have lost it. How is this possible? This is coming after an incident 3 months ago where I lost my phone between my car and my daughter’s school. ARGH. I am not an adult. I need to know I am not alone.
Different category, but this morning I turned on the wrong element and smoked out my empty frying pan instead of boiling water in the kettle, set off the fire alarm at 6.30 in the morning, took like 8 minutes to figure out what was going on and how to stop it while scrambling for my glasses and trying to reach the alarm in the first place. It was charming and I am sure my neighbours across the hall love me for ensuring they were out of bed nice and early
Thank you. The struggle is real.
I have lost so many things. The latest is a surge protector/extension cord thingy. I just….where the hell….how…
In possible cheering news, I found a lost lime (it went on walkabout from my groceries) hiding under the passenger seat. I SWEAR I looked there when originally trying to locate the lime (I needed it for a recipe).
You are not alone.
I lost a 3/4 length puffy winter coat in my apartment. I have looked in every closet and box and suitcase and under every bed. I think some things just disintegrate into molecules or are stolen by the wolves or develop high-tech cloaking mechanisms.
lost my glasses iN MY OWN BED this weekend, if that helps
We discovered we’d lost my wife’s favorite teapot for months ago, and promptly tore the house apart – though, given that it wasn’t in either a) the china cabinet or b) the other china cabinet, it was kind of a futile effort. We found it yesterday as we were unpacking some stuff from her old work. She’d taken it in to the office at some point and forgotten about it. Have hope! (Though of course, you will probably find it immediately after the gift certificate expires.)
My partner orders specialty T-shirts online in bulk and then sells them to his friends at a mark-up. It’s actually rather nice side income. Somehow… the whole giant box of T-shirts has gone missing from our tiny one-bedroom apartment. Where is it??? We have exactly two closets, it’s not in there, and I have a hard time imagining a guest sneaking out of here unnoticed with a heavy, bulky stolen box. How is this possible? I feel your pain.
I lost a cake carrier the size of a toddler. Where is it!! How am I supposed to carry cakes?
Wormholes open randomly and/or poltergeists enjoy stealing your stuff. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
My mother lost several very useful pieces of clothing for about six months I think. They were in the dryer. We really don’t use the dryer much.
TMI warning!
Do any of you take the birth control where you only have four periods a year? I started taking it a couple of months ago and I assumed that it would take a while for my body to get used to the hormones but I have reached a point where I have been menstruating for about a month and a half without interruption (and I haven’t even gotten to the first set of “period week” pills yet) and I’m wondering if it’s just an unpleasant but necessary adjustment period (no pun intended) or if I should just give up and take the normal stuff.
A similar thing happened when I tried the same kind of birth control. I had non-stop spotting and was a 1st year in college, so I didn’t have the patience to stick with it and went to the regular pills. I’m not sure if the adjustment period ever ends — I feel like I haven’t heard any success stories about this!
Definitely go back to your doctor.
I was on “constant therapy” birth control, which meant that I never had a period. Though in practice I would have one every 7 or 8 months. My doctor told me that if I did start spotting, I should stop taking the pill for 3 days to have a mini-period and then go back on. And that’s how it always worked out for me.
My best friend, after hearing me rave about my lack of periods, went to her doctor and tried it for herself. And she experience the long, heavy, never-ending period that you’re describing. There are things the doctor can do to try and mitigate like adjust the hormone levels. It could be you just need a tweak. It could also be that your body isn’t happy about not having a regular period.
Good luck! I really hope the limited periods thing works out for you, because it is a joy to not have to worry about (I just went back to having periods again, and I’m not entirely happy about it)
It might just be an adjustment, but I would call your doc and ask! That happened to me once about ten years ago (I was on the regular pill, not your version) bc I was really sick/out of it and missed a few pills in a row, which just threw my whole cycle out of whack. I ended up having to throw out my current pills and start over to fix it.
I’m on Yaz (Regular pill), but I just take them back to back roughly 3 months at a time and don’t get periods. Go back to the doc and see if there’s another brand you can try (And don’t listen if they try and tell you its an ‘adjustment period’, you know your body.)
I took one brand of that stuff and it was totally fine, and then I took a different brand a couple of years later and had basically nonstop spotting and mild cramps for an entire year and also my sex drive was completely torpedoed (although I don’t know whether I can blame the pill directly for that, it may just have been that the spotting/crampy/acne side effects I was having made me feel catastrophically unsexy). I would try a different brand.
I’ve had an IUD for a couple years so I don’t get a period except for some occasional spotting. When I first had it put in I probably bled with varying degrees of heaviness for about a month before it petered out to what it is now. For a friend of mine it lasted even longer, but her body did eventually adjust. I think it’s pretty normal, from everything I heard.
I would definitely go back to your doctor, and ask about options!
I’m not sure that you really *need* to take a special brand of birth control pills in order to eliminate periods. You may be able to do that with any old pill. I used to just take the normal generic ones (Ortho TriCyclen Lo), and skip the placebo week every month. (Going through a pack every three weeks, basically). I had a bit of spotting during what would have been my period, but that was it and it worked very well. The only downside was that I had to buy more, but they were pretty cheap at PP.
I’m also not convinced that there’s any medical reason why we need to have even four periods a year. I took mine back-to-back for years on end, with no apparent ill-effects.
I recently cheered a friend through a rough work situation – an attempt was made to screw her over, she stood up for herself, and they buckled. I also had a small victory of being deeply uncomfortable with something someone said and calling them on it, for better or worse. Sometimes, the small wins are the ones that keep us going.
So let’s share our small victories of recent!
My college (the same one that Emma Sulkowicz went to) called asking for money, and (mainly thanks to years of reading the Toast and comments) I was able to tell them that I wouldn’t give them any money until they improved their procedures for dealing with accusations of sexual assault. And I also communicated my intention donate instead to a program that helps underserved kids in the neighborhood (of which there are many) get access to tutoring.
It’s not much, I know, and it’s about a year too late (I felt the same last year and just avoided all their calls) but it felt good to be able to articulate why I didn’t want to give them money–so yay, a small win for me!
ETA: Well done on calling someone out on what they said! That is hard to do.
Congratulations for speaking out and for assisting your friend in standing up for herself!
I had a conversation that I was dreading, wrote myself a script, and it went quite well.
This morning I pooped for the first time since Monday’s surgery!
Well done! I hope the surgery went well, too!!!
Isn’t that an AMAZING feeling?
I rescued a forgotten present from the office party’s Yankee swap and successfully returned it to the person who had received it (she really wanted it, it wasn’t an intentional forgetting).
Also I wound up with two stemless Reidell wine glasses in Yankee Swap which is a total win.
My baby napped long enough in her cot for me to make cookies yesterday, victory is mine!
Toast book club update! We’re going to talk about “Fates and Furies” (Lauren Groff) via slack on January 9th at 8pm ET and the 14th at 8pm ET. Email hawthorncrataegus @ gmx . com for an invite.
February’s book will be “Lafayette in the Somewhat United States” (Sarah Vowell) and in March, “Wedlock: The True Story of the Disastrous Marriage and Remarkable Divorce of Mary Eleanor Bowes, Countess of Strathmore” (Wendy Moore).
I’m doing pretty well, all things considered. I’m going home to visit my parents and sister and we’re going to put up our Christmas tree, and also on Saturday I’m going to see a band fronted by a friend (well, friendly acquaintance) of mine from high school.
Google removed my old Twitter handles, so that’s nice. I’m kind of worried about one of the kinda rude asks I sent, but since it was never answered it was probably deleted.
On another note, I’ve come to the weird realization that most of my anxiety in the last two years is Macklemore’s fault. Funny story.
As a geologist, I appreciate your name. As a human and fellow anxiety person, I hope your anxiety gets better.
Aw, thank you!
I picked the name mostly because I like how it sounds. Lots of consonants.
OKay, just because I want to get this off my chest:
In October/November (can’t remember which), I was kind of going through some really messed up anxiety stuff and I had a moment of weakness where I sent the kind of rude asks. I said something really stupid when I was 15 and there was this feminist Tumblr that had strong opinions about the subject of the stupid thing I said. So I sent the blog the ask where I explained what I said and used the “I didn’t mean it” defense (I panicked. Also I really hadn’t meant it, being young and semi-closeted and desperate to impress people I was only going to know for a week) and I asked what I could do to show I was sorry for what I said. And a few hours later, it hit me what a stupid thing it was for me to do, because it assumes that this busy person with a job and a blog had nothing better to do than answer my stupid question and why would she want to be reminded of something she hated. So I sent a second ask apologizing and saying that I was wrong to send the first ask, only I can’t remember my exact wording in either ask and I don’t know if I said anything really bad by accident and I’m afraid that the blog would think I’m a troll, and if I ever become a semi-public figure and I admit what I said, just to get it out so everyone knows the mistakes I’ve made, it’ll all come crashing down if the blogger remembers what I said and she still has the ask and it looks like I’m some anti-feminist internet troll.
Admittedly, when I say it all out loud, it sounds less likely. But still.
I have so much sympathy for anxieties that sound so plausible (practically inevitable, in fact!) in your head and then much much less so when you actually explain them. And I agree with you that this is not a likely one!
I don’t think you would have come across as a troll at all! If anything, the blogger probably thought, “Aw, it’s that self-critical anxious person again, I hope they feel better but I don’t really know what to say…” *shrug/delete*
Aw hon. I really understand the thought spiral you’re describing here, I really do. It sounds to me like you are really overthinking this, though. I’m sure the blog owners don’t remember the thing you said when you were 15 (they probably get all kinds of random abuse that’s way worse than what you said!), and probably think you’re just feeling bad and anxious about it now. I really don’t think in the future that saying something kind of mean to a blogger when you were young will cause anything to come crashing down.
Are you seeing anyone about your anxiety? Because these types of thought spirals can be handled and treated pretty well. I finally got some help for mine a couple years ago and I can’t believe I didn’t do it sooner. Be well, do some self care to help break the spiral, and be kind to yourself, ok?
Also, Bartender needs to send me that cake immediately, to eat while grading heaps of bad undergraduate essays.
I, too, am in grading jail. Solidarity (and snacks).
SOLIDARITY AND SNACKS. I’m proctoring an exam as we speak.
YOU GUYS! I’m finally out of my nine-month funk (not baby related)! I’ve been more productive in the last 10 days than I have in the last three months combined and it feels so, so good. (I can feel good? That’s a thing? I totally forgot!) The cherry on top was one coolest things happened to me, pretty much. I was chatting with the publisher of a press i have LOVED SINCE MY WHOLE LIFE FOREVER, about Emily Dickinson’s birthday last night & I got to talk about a project I’ve been working on. I was a little tipsy & just trying to make conversation. But then she stopped me, pulled out her card, and said, “When you get it together, send it to me FIRST.” AND I DIED A THOUSANDS DEATHS. I really, really got to look at my life and be like, I’m so lucky just to have been in the same room at this person I admire AND SHE LIKED ME REALLY LIKED ME TOO. My teenage self thinks I’m the coolest.
ALSO!!! I was accepted to a monastic retreat! I’m going to be guided through total silence & unoccupied prayer with a touch of spiritual advisement. I’m really, really excited.
That’s so great!!!!!!
Ok maybe I’m overtired and horomonal, but I, an internet stranger, teared up at how amazing this is. I am so happy for you!
I’m really glad you’re having a run of good things lately, but that retreat sounds FACINATING. promise to come back later and tell us about how it went?
Toasties: I have you to thank for leading me to Barbara Pym–thank you! After reading Some Tame Gazelle, I was hooked. So I was delighted this week to have my paper proposal accepted for the 2016 North American Barbara Pym Conference—huzzah!
Anyone else planning to attend?
**hustles to the Internet searching machine to look up more about this Barbara Pym conference**
Congratulations!
I once made an entire neighborhood of Sims with Barbara Pym’s characters.
That must have been fascinating! Too bad Maxis never programmed crumpets or curates’ garments into the game.
Toasties, I am angry with myself today. I wrote the wrong zipcode on my brother’s gift (but the rest of the address was correct) and google seems to think there is nothing I can do about this except wait for it to be sent back to the vendor, which could apparently take months. Has anyone else had this problem and ever received the item that they ordered? I’m hoping it isn’t lost forever.
I don’t know if this will cheer you up since it involves a different country, but my friend bought a beautiful postcard for her parents while we were in Paris, wrote a lovely message, and then popped it into the mailbox near the flat we were staying at without putting a stamp on it. She freaked out, bought a second (less lovely) postcard and sent it again, this time with the stamp.
Of course, the stampless card got to them long before the one with the stamp did.
Don’t care if it’s a different country, it’s still encouraging! Thank you! I’m glad the postcard made it there.
I forgot to put a stamp on a card once and the postman returned it with a smiley face in a square where the stamp was supposed to be and I decided keeping that envelope was better than sending the actual card.
I once mailed a Christmas gift to my parents, and accidentally put my own zip code on it instead of theirs (we live in the same state, but about 200 miles apart), and it made it there fine, I think there might have been a 1 or 2 day delay.
Oh this is encouraging to hear, thank you!
I’ve done that! The package was 2 days late but it made it!
It is very plausible that it will get to him, with only some delay! I once had immigration send some Very Important documents only to realize after I’d submitted my request that I’d written the wrong street address. I just called the local post office and they very kindly kept a watch for the item, & called me once it arrived, and let me pick it up with photo ID.
I’ve done this once before and somebody at the post office crossed out the zip code and put in the correct one and it got to its home, albeit a few days later than it normally would have. If you have the right street address/city, I think it’s a fairly easy matter of fixing the zip code. Fingers crossed the same happens to you!
I have definitely received my mail with the wrong postal code on it. I’ve also gotten mail in which the sender reversed some of the numbers for my PO Box, one where I accidentally ordered a package to the wrong address in the wrong town (that one took a bit of calling around), and my boyfriend’s parents recently got one where the person didn’t know their address or last names and just addressed it to their first names and the town they were in and they still got it.
Postal workers are magic.
Oh wow those are all amazing! I hope I have postal luck like you!
One of my London aunties is notorious for always getting addresses hilariously wrong, and yet her Xmas cards never go astray. The best/worst one that I can remember went something like this:
[My parents names]
[Correct house #] (Street Name misspelled so poorly as to be barely recognizable)
[Name of town, except missing a word], (Name of big city near town), [State] (Zip code off by one number)
Anybody else having weird weather? It’s Vermont, it’s December 11, I’m going to get my snow tires put on, and it’s in the forties out. I’m just wearing a sweater. Am I living in‘White Christmas? Will it not snow until after the heartwarming military musical number on Christmas Eve?
Yeah, it’s almost 70 here in DC today. I want snow!
They’re anticipating 70 in NJ on Sunday. I cannot BELIEVE this.
SO WEIRD. I haven’t even had to warm up my car for a week. I haven’t had to scrape ice in two weeks. Weird. I’m secretly afraid it’s lulling us into a false sense of security and January and February are going to fuck us so hard.
This is me right now. I am highly suspicious of the whole thing and figure it just means we’re going to get pounded when we least expect it.
It’s going to hit 80 here in SC.
EIGHTY
Eighty here too, not Christmasy at all!
Massachusetts and yep. I haven’t even worn my giant down coat once this winter!
It was 60 here yesterday in the wilds of northern Michigan. A front rolled through overnight so now it’s in the 40s but that it still 20+ degrees warmer than it “should” be right now and I am not. amused.
Yeah, 40s in Michigan is spring weather! I miss those white Christmases now that I’m on the other side of the country.
Yup. It’s so warm. I haven’t even needed a coat most days.
I will take every damn minute of this unseasonable warm weather, even though I invested in new rims for my snow tires this year.
I know I should be trying to enjoy the unseasonably warm weather, but it gets me very glum. I start thinking about the inevitability of global warming-related destruction and how helpless I am to do anything about it. (Which, uh, is probably a more somber tone than you were aiming for with this thread)
I live in northeast MA. A FB friend of mine was joking yesterday about fifties == capris. I wore full length lightweight leggings on my walk yesterday morning and I was almost too warm.
I wore flip-flops yesterday. What is even going on here
It hit 80ish yesterday. And there’s a high of 78* today. I’m in Texas. This sucks.
60 degrees in New England here and it’s activating every climate change anxiety I have, as well as making me feel deeply unsettled. Dark at 4pm doesn’t compute with 60-degree weather. It is also not great for the local ecosystem as a whole, since the cold kills some things, enables others to germinate or to hibernate when there’s no food for them, etc.
Basically, as I also said on Twitter, fuck every degree of this 60-degree-Fahrenheit December day and everyone at the COP21 (Paris climate talks) who isn’t busting their ass for net zero emissions and environmental justice.
*dismounts soapbox and stumps away*
I miss the toughness of New England Weathers and the concept that 40s are “sweater weather” (or for my family: anything above freezing is T-Shirt weather).
Here in SoCal the high today is around 65 degrees and I am hoarse from trying to convince my roommates that, “no, we don’t need to turn on the heat – you just need to put on a sweater!”
Noooooo that is COOOLD we are delicate Southern blossoms and a sweater is not enoughhhhh
I actually made it to church last Sunday for the first time in at least 6 months and that was actually rather lovely. As an added bonus, they were having a book sale and I got a 1954 cookbook for 50 cents. It is full of really winning recipes (posted in the reply to keep from eating too much space).
Put out by the Tacoma Council Pioneers group, which was apparently a telephone company employee club?
The baked goods recipes were fine, but oh man the casseroles and salads…
YES! Old community cookbooks are so fun.
“Salad”
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Are there any dump cakes? Or hotdishes?!
What an amazing find. Do tell us if you brave any of the mayo/jello salads.
There was “corned beef souflee” with the subtitle “a company dish the menfolk will like”
There are all kinds of little tips and jokey sayings throughout the book that range from amusing to horrifyingly sexist. It’s good times.
Is there a “diet” section? Those are the best in old cookbooks – the recipes in the Lutheran ladies’ cookbooks my mom owns feature lots of “light cream cheese” and margarine.
No, but there was a “Stag” section that has lots of grilling recipes and a few joke recipes.
Toastfolk! I wonder if I can ask your most excellent selves for some advice. I’ve spoken briefly about potentially moving in with bf down the road, if things work out. If it goes that way, I’d like to have the logical discussions up front so that we’re both on the same level of understanding about various things. I haven’t done that in the past, (somewhat) to my detriment. So what kinds of things would you put on the table to work out? So far:
-The split of the rent
-How to divide up the utilities/internet etc. costs
-Should we have a joint account we both pitch into for these common costs
-Division of labour: do we need a chore chart?
-Alone time/together time (per Aunt Acid’s column this week!)
-Guidelines around visitors (how often, how many, etc…though we’re both introverts so I don’t expect a clash here)
-?
Anything else you’ve discussed with your partner(s)?
For me, it was very important to talk about how we would decorate the house (walls, knick-knacks, etc. but mostly the walls) and what spaces were shared and what spaces were mine. Having pictures and things on my walls has always been incredibly important to me, so I needed to know that, for example, I could do whatever I wanted with this wall in the shared office, but we had to agree on what went where on the living room wall. Even if pictures aren’t your thing, consider whether there is an aesthetic element of your home that you really, really want to keep under your control and, if so, how to work that out with your boyfriend. For me it has worked out really great, but only because we talked about it a lot in advance.
Also congratulations! Sorry for all the serious talk, this is very exciting!
Hey, no need to apologize! It’s srs bznss! I mean, I’ve lived with partners twice before, I’ve just never done this properly ahead of time with money and responsibility discussions, it’s always just been a mad whirlwind (and obviously hasn’t worked well in the end).
I recently moved in with my girlfriend and it has been overall quite nice but definitely there have been some issues that had to get ironed out. A lot of that we discussed in advance, and I think your list is great- it’s important to establish that you both need to be OK about talking about money things early on.
Other things I can think of: What is helpful/not helpful when the other is stressed, and how you’ll deal with moving costs/unpacking work and stress (depending on who is moving in where- if one of you is moving into the other’s place, also what is planned for one to make space for the other). Also the knowledge that the first month before/after the move are just going to be insane and be good to yourselves and cut yourselves some slack during that time. Another thing with visitors- how much notice do you need before someone comes over.
You can also talk about (either in another conversation or in the same one to lighten things up) what you’d be excited to do in your shared space (decorate, cook together, w/e).
I’d also suggest, if either of you are the type to suppress things, to try and and plan scheduled times to talk about this stuff once you’ve officially decided to move in and once you have actually moved in, not because you’ll need to process a buttload every time, but it’s helpful for some people to have a scheduled time when they know they’re allowed to talk about these things.
Also, you can be surprised by how people’s norms are different- I am frustrated by dirty pots soaking on the stovetop but completely blase about leaving non-food trash around my living space. GF is the exact opposite and no, we did not find this out in the 4 years leading up to the move-in.
good luck!
Thanks for posting this! My BF and I have gone from “if we move in” to “when we move in” and I’m starting to think about these things in a more serious way. I have a feeling the decoration aspect of our future home will be a point of contention, but chores will also be an issue. Like, he just does not do dishes at the rate that I do, but promises that when we have a communal space he will be more proactive with cleaning. Not sure if I believe that’s a thing??
Also, oddly, I think we will have more alone time when we do move in together. Right now when we are at each other’s houses, one of us is the host and the other person can’t just do their own thing. When we move in together we will be able to be within shouting distance while I binge-watch Jane the Virgin in one room while he watched football and plays Hearthstone in the other. True love.
That is not really a thing, the Big Change Once You move in. Assume that as he is is how he will be.
Discuss things that you don’t care about/care moderately about/care a great deal about, in terms of chores and cleanliness.
ie, I could give two shits if the tub is clean, but can’t tolerate towels on the bathroom floor. MrChouffe doesn’t really care if the dishes get done every night, so long as one of us checks in with the other about doing them or not. He can’t stand it when I miss scooping the litterbox for a day or two, and will get angry about it.
Also, I think it is super super important as just a general thing in life but especially in a living-together arrangement: if you say you are over a fight or disagreement or conflict, you have to actually be over it and not let it fester. If you are not actually over something, be honest about it and work on fixing it. Those tiny things (going to bed without checking in on the dishes, towels on the floor) will drive a person up the wall, but the other person will not necessarily understand why their partner is a tetchy mess unless it gets clearly articulated.
(I bring up the dishes thing because it took YEARS for the two of us to realize that MrChouffe was getting super-annoyed at me for “blowing things off” in the dish-washing department. Once we had a conversation that was basically “look, I take you at your word, so if you tell me you don’t care about the dishes I believe you, and still being annoyed they aren’t done isn’t fair,” and I agreed to at least ask him whether he wanted me to do them after dinner, things got so much easier.)
Also, not a bad idea to discuss what having done a chore means. For my boyfriend, having done the dishes means that the dishwasher is emptied and the dirty dishes are in, the food is put away, and counters are washed, but he usually leaves pots “soaking” in the sink. For me, the dishes aren’t done until they are all clean and “soaking” dishes are not done, but I don’t ever dry and put them away and I often forget to wipe down the counters. For my mother, having done the dishes requires all dishes dried and put away and the sinks scrubbed out.
This is THE MOST NECESSARY ADVICE. Even if you are compatible in your level of overall cleanliness preference, there is definitely going to be some task that he would never think to do that you feel is OBVIOUS AND IMPORTANT, and vice versa.
THIS
Yeah, there can’t be *anything* on the floor at all, which may require a small adjustment on his part (to be fair, it’s just that he doesn’t have a laundry hamper right now, which means a Pile O’Clothes), otherwise my prone to peeing on things cat will do just that. The messiness I have right now is confined to higher-than-the-cat spots, ha ha.
I asked this question in last week’s OT!
We’re moving in together in my house, so there’s a fair amount of re-arranging and throwing out happening.
We’ve also been talking chores and tolerance of messiness, bill paying, etc.
However, I am trying to let go of my instinct to talk and talk and talk minutiae in advance, because some of that behaviour is linked to anxiety for me – thinking that if I can figure out everything in advance, I can control (a postitive) outcome, and behave well enough to deserve to be loved.
So for my own sanity, I need to live into the uncertainty and messiness of the move; and rest in the certainty that I am loved, just as I am.
Yeah, I’m going to second this. You might want to pick few big immediate ones and then let the rest come up as the situations happen. if you end up with a 5 part list of nested rules on houseguests but then realize after your first houseguest it didn’t work at all, you might end up throwing those all out. Presumably when you move in together you expect that you’ll be doing this for years and years? Things you do for years, you get better at as you practice and you might change how you do things over and over.
I’d say just try and discuss it as you go. Also we listen to advice podcasts and discuss the advice and what we’d do in the same hypothetical scenario, so that’s a really good way to get a sense of values without high stakes. If you listen to a podcast about a terrible houseguest you can turn to him and ask, ” ok if that was your brother who was shaking our cat until she pukes, would you tell him to stop? Would it be my job?”
We’re recently living together and right now our finances aren’t settled but the eventual plan is house expenses in a joint account with auto pay that we pay in in percentage to income, so 60% of what you make goes in that account, with some going to joint savings.
Also I think one thing that’s really important is to remind yourself to trust you partner. Like if they don’t do a chore or do make a mess, trust that you can ask them to do it and they will, and same of yourself. I think a huge part of pain is from having an unvoiced expectation that is un met so just be like, “hey dude, I think it’s your turn to wash dishes” or “I’ll do laundry this week if you vacuum the rug” etc. And lastly, say thank you, even if it’s something they should be doing because it’s their turn- just try and notice when things get fixed and appreciate it- thats in the always be finding ways to go positive over negative.
Like, don’t think to yourself “ugh he didn’t take the trash out again! UGGGH, at least he made the bed”
Do say, “Hey thanks for making the bed. Hey we didn’t get the trash out yesterday, can you be sure to take it out tonight?”
My rule of thumb is try and be MORE polite with the person you live with than you’d be with strangers, because they probably deserve it more. And just go easy on yourself and them. You want to go in thinking it’s going to go well so you aren’t tensed up with all the things that can go wrong.
I like the last bit about being more polite with your partner, and it reminds me the other conversation I’m being really intentional about having is “I’m really excited we’re moving in together. Being with you makes me happy”
yeah! don’t let logistics eat up the honeymoon- the new parts of relationships only happen a short while, so it’s great to be thoughtful but balance that off the excitement of discovery!
My rule of thumb is try and be MORE polite with the person you live with than you’d be with strangers, because they probably deserve it more. = excellent advice. And according to most recent psychological research, the most effective way to reinforce behavior. (Or train your puppy, if you want to go that route.) I *know* this, and still every time my partner thanks me for laundry I feel warm and appreciated.
I grew up with the “women love housework like breathing because gender essentialism” mindset, so it makes me very happy to have my domestic work appreciated. Cause yeah, I don’t enjoy cleaning the toilets when I could spend that time reading or playing video games.
Ahh, I must have missed it! Sorry if this is redundant, everyone.
No apology necessary!! I mentioned it in case you wanted to go back and read any of the excellent advice I received.
I will happily talk about this every week for the foreseeable future!
one thing I wish we’d talked about earlier – what stuff are you bringing with you vs. purging pre-move? I’m totally the nagging “get rid of that thing you never use” partner and he’s the “one day it will be useful!” one. There’s not really any away to change those aspects of our personalities, but I had assumed a) there’s no closet full of old computer parts and high school projects in his apartment and b) if there IS, he’ll definitely toss them before moving, because that’s what I did with MY closet full of crap I hadn’t touched in years.
My dude had a weird box of stuff that he just tossed everything into and one day I was like, all I want for christmas is for you to empty this box, and find a place for it in the right places. But on the other hand I have all kinds of power tools and stuff, and a room of my own to keep them in, so I’m probably the junk monster.
So yeah, probably you want to poke around a bit and be like, “is this stuff coming with us? how will we store it?”
if you want an easy way to keep track of costs, cannot recommend splitwise enough! no weird math required!
This is great! For rent, I think 50-50 is ideal, but also consider that if there is a significant difference in income (like in my current situation), it may be best for the lower earner to contribute a set amount that’s reasonable for their current salary. Discuss add on’s like cable/ winter thermostat temperature expectations beforehand.
Also, if you have neat freak tendencies and busy lives, consider if it is possible at all to get a housekeeper even once a month. I find that my general hatred of dirt and disorder is very easily transferred into snapping at the bf for any of his messes, and it just makes our lives more harmonious to have deep-cleaning taken off of our list. I honestly consider it a form of couples therapy.
re: Personal space, if your place isnt huge it will likely have to be more of a mental-break. Like, if you have an activity you like to do by yourself, get in your corner and make sure bf knows to leave you alone while you do that– and vice versa!
Yes…at the moment I make nearly 3 times what he is (though that could shift in the spring to 2x) so we’ve briefly discussed that I am comfortable paying a set amount more – hopefully less than my solo rent, but still more than he will be able to.
As the person who’s been on the other side of that split- when finances are separate, percentages of income seem to be the most fair way to divide things. But since financial decisions will still impact the lower earner more, I think it’s important that they get veto power of final financial decisions. It was also helpful to me as the low earner to have the more predictable bills be mine, so I didn’t have to plan for as much variability (for example, I paid for the vegetable subscription portion of our groceries- this also meant my then boyfriend, now husband could impulse shop at the grocery store without blowing my budget). All of this changes if you have stronger differences in spending habits- my husband and I have always been practically a hive mind on that front, so I haven’t had to navigate that issue much.
Learn how to talk dispassionately about money. Learn how to talk dispassionately about money. Learn how to talk dispassionately about money. Learn how to talk dispassionately about money. Learn how to talk dispassionately about money. Learn how to talk dispassionately about money. Learn how to talk dispassionately about money. Learn how to talk dispassionately about money.
I sense a mantra, here. 😉
I feel like a good one is talking about HOW you talk about the inevitable stuff that comes up. Like, should you guys schedule a time to discuss how fucking annoying it is when he stacks the new cat food bowl on top of the old dirty one instead of picking it up and taking it downstairs and putting it in the dishwasher? Or do you bring it up as you go along? And can you agree on kinds of neutral language for that stuff?
Those kinds of things need adjustment over time, but can be super helpful. We generally bring things up as we go along, and have developed some neutral language about it. We weirdly use “policy change” but we are, as my mom would say, super corporate. My dude will be like “hey can we have a policy change where you don’t put your wet bathing suits on my towel rack to dry?” and for some reason it’s very easy to hear. We also try to not to do that stuff in the morning, when we are not at our bests.
Overall, I feel like the most important thing to agree on is that moving in together is a project that will require adjustment over time, and that disagreements and required adjustments are not at all signs of failure, but completely normal and expected parts of this exciting journey. The worst feeling is “oh my god this chore chart/bank account/party schedule isn’t working for me but I agreed to it when we sat down a month before we moved in and I can’t renege now!”.
You may find it helpful to have a monthly “board meeting” where you dispassionately discuss budget concerns, upcoming social engagements such as holiday travel or your cousin’s daughter’s christening, “policy changes” as a brilliant upthread poster put it, and anything else that contributes to a smoothly running household. It doesn’t have to be all formal with spreadsheets and powerpoint pitches, but it can be helpful to kind of get everyone on the same page and set expectations for what’s coming down the pike next, so that no one is taken by surprise.
Cooking: what sort of things you both eat (I’m vegan, my partner’s omni, he eats vegetarian in the house but will eat meat out and sometimes get meat-related takeout, though NEVER FISH), whether you like cooking together, how much each of you thinks it’s reasonable to spend a week on food.
If either of you has mental health problems, or come to that physical health problems you’re bad at coping with, how you want the other one to support you, whether you want them to say anything when they notice that you’re having a bad time or overdoing it. For instance, my partner and I have agreed that if I am getting really anxious and haven’t realised it, he’ll ask, “Do you think you need any anti-anxiety meds?” He was a bit reluctant to at first, he didn’t want to be doing anything remotely controlling, but we tried it and it works and it really helps. I stop and think about it, and decide for myself. I have to nag him a bit to eat and drink when he’s got migraine or the flu and is in no state to sort it out himself, and we’ve got better at handling that too.
What hours you keep, when you both expect to go to bed and wake up. If there is likely to be a serious discrepancy with those, an extra bed can be really useful.
We don’t technically live together for various reasons, we have flats in the same building and split the week between them. Apart from when one or both of us has a fucked up sleep pattern (usually me, I have severe ME/CFS), we sleep together every night.
Anyway, we did the odd overnight stay for the first few months together when he was in a different part of town, though not many as he had to get home to his cat. After five months, I came to stay at his flat for a week at Christmas, and then he packed up the cat and came to stay at mine for New Year. It was meant to be for a week, with the option of returning if the cat hated it, but she absolutely loved it, so they stayed ten days. I definitely recommend that.
After that, we started living between each other’s flats all the time, splitting it at half the week each. It’s much easier now he lives upstairs, but it was rather nice loading up my wheelchair with bags and the cat carrier twice a week and pootling through town. We’ve been together two and a half years now, semi-living together for two, and the cat is very firmly ours now. Or rather, we are her minions.
Speaking of which, do either or you have or want pets?
Congratulations, and I hope you have a wonderful time together!
I shared a coop house with my then-bf and two others. We had two pages of rules, requests and requirements in the kitchen, and everyone who ever came in the door was amazed at how many eventualities we covered. But we all managed to live together for three years without wanting to kill anyone, so that worked. When the gentleman and I moved in together we recreated some of that list, and over the course of six months decided we were probably going to be fine. But it helped to have had the list once, and to know what the likely sticky places were in any shared living arrangement.
Ottawa Toasts! Someone last week asked if there was a group, and I don’t think there is, so I made one! It’s a google group set to “email list,” so it’s like a small mailing list: [email protected], https://groups.google.com/forum/#!forum/ottawa-to…. Someone try and join so I can figure out if there’s something I need to do to make it work!
That was me! I applied to join.
I tried to join! Sorry, I’m replying as a Guest which is an obnoxious way to try to join this group (I can’t remember my Login? I don’t really comment here so much as lurk, but I was a loyal ‘Pinner and I live in Ottawa and it’d be cool to meet some of you!)
Hello friends, I am dealing with an MRA on twitter RIGHT NOW!
TW: sexual assualt jokes! In the comments.
He retweeted one of my tweets with a joke about “God masturbating on you when you sleep.”
Then deleted it, but not until after I had screenshotted it and reported his account. (Too slow!)
So then I accosted him, as one does, with a “was that drunk-tweeting? wtf” and he was like “whoops, wrong account!”
And I was like “okay, but no more rape jokes, plz” and now he’s being all defensive and telling me to all of “grow up,” “be more careful with accusations,” and “respect subjectivity.”
I guess it’s been a whole, like, three weeks since my last disgusting encounter with a male, so, I had it coming?
Ugh, ew. The other day I tweeted something about watching a soccer game that was being played in Greece and seeing a Confederate flag in the crowd, and it got favorited by a white supremacist account. People suck.
lol @ “respect subjectivity”
The talk of collecting in yesterday’s link roundup and a travel blog post I read about collecting things from travels has made me want to make sure I don’t leave Russia (or future countries) without the mementos I really want. So I’ve decided to go to Moscow this weekend to go to a market there and buy two things that I’d seen a couple weeks ago when I was Christmas shopping. One is a set of handpainted nesting dolls and the other is an old movie poster. You can get the dolls literally everywhere in Russia, but they’re generally mass produced and kind of meh, so I want these ones that are actually painted by someone at the market. And I have no movie poster in mind, but I saw them before and I think one would make very nice wall art.
Now I just have to some day live in a place again long enough to actually decorate.
Oooh, nesting dolls! My parents have two sets and I used to play with them as a child. Come to think of it, I’d love to have a set of my own.
I started bringing back things from my travels that I’d actually use on the regular – for example, I bought a crystal vase in Prague, and brought back several necklaces from various places.
ETA: This works very well for me, because while I have a reminder of travelling, these are not things that just take up space and gather dust.
Romance novel suggestions? My wife is looking for some to read and it is far from my area of expertise. I know Toasties will have good suggestions.
If she likes historicals, I’m all for Courtney Milan and Tessa Dare.
Thanks!
Which titles would you start with? I feel like I am on the brink of a serious winter break romance novel kick, and I’ve heard good things about both of them, but they have a LOT of books.
Courtney is my favourite and I don’t think there are actually any bad places to start. The Brother’s Sinister series is my favourite, and you can start with either the prequel The Governess Affair novella or the first full book The Duchess War. The Turner Series is also really good and starts with Unveiled. Just a note, though, her characters tend to have pretty heavy backstories, so there is child abuse and sexual assault in backstories of at least one character in both those series. I think she deals with it in a really sensitive way, but if you don’t want it those series are not for you. Like, I started with A Kiss for Midwinter which is a standalone Christmas novella in the Brothers Sinister series and is really sweet and lovely, but involves the heroine coming to terms with a sexual assault in her past.
Her contemporary novel, Trade Me has neither, and is also great.
Oh, and for Tessa Dare, her Spindle Cove series is excellent, and the first A Night to Surrender is a good place to start.
Thank you! This looks like a good place to start.
Start Courtney Milan with the Brothers Sinister series (http://www.courtneymilan.com/brotherssinister/). The opening novella, the Governess Affair, can be acquired for 99 cents. Then the Duchess War, the Heiress Effect, and the Suffragette Scandal are quite good; the Countess book and the other short novellas have various structural or characterization flaws.
Thanks!
For readers looking for historicals, I will always recommend Courtney Milan and Tessa Dare. That’s really the only subgenre I read though.
Courtney Milan is universally excellent. I also like Rose Lerner a lot. They both mostly write historicals. Do you know if she’d prefer them set in the present or the past or fantasy worlds?
Thanks, I think either would be good, but wouldn’t mind some suggestions for present day too.
Laura Florand writes contemporary romances that are really fun. I like Sonali Dev a lot too. Suleikha Snyder is a little more hit-or-miss for me but I loved Bollywood and the Beast – such a great modern gothic romance!
Thank you!
I’ll plug Sarah MacLean! And not just because she puns a lot in her titles (though that’s definitely part of it).
Thanks!
If she’ll read M/M stuff, I highly recommend the books of KJ Charles–funny, sexy, well-written British historicals. Maybe start with a stand-alone like Think of England.
Thanks! Will pass along.
Our own Toastfriend Dakimel is a romance author! Look her up: Melanie Greene. I have her Rocket Man.
Ah, thanks! I knew she was an author but I didn’t know it was of romance.
Yes, Rocket Man is quite fun! Speaking of Toasties, Mindy Hung writes romance under the name Ruby Lang. Her Acute Reactions is very fun and she has another novel coming out in January that I am looking forward to.
Jennifer Crusie is my all time ever favorite romance author. She’s contemporary, she’s got excellent humans playing all kinds of humanity and there is a LOT of banter and a solid acknowledgement of best friends.
Cordelia’s Honor is space opera romance from Lois McMaster Bujold, which is not exactly what you asked for but is solid romance as well as In Space.
Piling on the Courtney Milan suggestion, start anywhere, go on from there. I just finished one from Rose Lerner which was notable for the array or characters who were not straight white humans. i liked it a lot, and would try more of hers.
Toasts, the annual holiday anxiety-dreads are ramping up, and I’m thinking of all of you with difficult family situations.
Can we talk about the family members we look forward to seeing, if you have such people in your life? Tell me of your eccentric aunties and your badass grandmas.
I have anxiety-dreads about meeting the Fellow’s family. It’s a long visit, 10 days, so it could be something of an endurance challenge for me. But I know of and look forward to several character uncles and nosy neighbours. I like pulling those people’s life stories out of them.
Oooo that is a long visit. But I’m sure they want to like you as much as you want to like them!
Getting people to talk about themselves is a great approach for long family visits!
I have an aunt and uncle who own a bed and breakfast in a magical winter wonderland. They love card games and they always have the good sherry. I am going for New Years long weekend and I cannot wait.
They sound lovely!
My grandma is badass! She moved to the frigid Midwest two years ago to be closer to my father– she’s been a widow for about a decade now but still lives in her own house, kept company by a series of overweight shelter dogs and the half-dozen other independent 90+-year-old widows who live on her block. They go to each others’ houses and eat dessert. She’s always fun to go visit, I can’t wait to meet her new dog, a Dire Chihuahua, and help her out with the hidden-object computer games she likes to play.
SHE SOUNDS LIKE THE BEST! And I love the 90+ widows dessert club! How very very nice.
Your grandma sounds amazing. Life goals.
My great uncle was once described as a “munchkin” in a blind item, loves his job so much he’s still working (now for no pay, just for fun) at 80, and gets so worried about the mice he catches surviving the winter that he has a whole habitat to keep them in until he can release them in the spring. He is also fond of sending long, unpunctuated ruminations on the health of his garden and greek mythology.
I love that your great uncle was once described in a blind item.
That mice thing is so cute oh MAN.
My parents and sister and I usually do our own low-key thing (no living grandparents or nearby relatives), but we always Skype on Christmas day with my favorite cousin who lives across the country and he has the world’s most ridiculous French Bulldog and it is a delight.
I am very lucky to actually have a family that’s mostly composed of really good relationships, so I am looking forward to the holidays. My grandparents are 87 and still traveling the world, doing a business or two every day. My little cousins are rapidly turning into real people and bringing home serious relationship partners and saying smart things about politics, and it’s so delightful to see, although I will still be deputizing a few of them to fetch beers during the festivities. And my favorite cousin and I will drink scotch in the basement and she and I will talk endless shit about our one real asshole cousin.
This sounds fantastic, I hope you have a great holiday!
Almost my entire extended family lives within a 50 mile radius so the only people I’ll be seeing for Christmas who aren’t usually here are my brother and sister-in-law. They are both awesome and I only get to see them a few times a year because they live on the other side of the country. We are a big board game family so I’m looking forward to trouncing all of them at Harry Potter Scene It and getting trounced by them at Trivial Pursuit.
But my favorite board game related part of them visiting is that my brother and my mom are the only other people in my family who like Yahtzee, so Christmas is the only time I get to play it. About 10 years ago we started using a promotional calendar from a local radio station that had a picture of the Rolling Stones on the cover to dull the noise of the rolling dice (because it drove the rest of the family crazy) and because we are weirdos we developed this whole system of rolling onto specific parts of the picture depending on what numbers we were going for, and we still play that way now. For example, if you want to roll sixes you roll the dice on Keith Richards’s hair. And if you want fours, you roll onto Mick Jagger’s exposed midriff.
My own favorite aunt always had cats when I was growing up, but then she saw Men In Black and fell in love with pugs. She fosters them now, and adopts all the elderly and otherwise-unadoptable pugs at the rescue, so that the rescue org doesn’t have to pay their vet bills.
At any given time, there are 6-10 pugs living at her house. At the holidays they wear festive kerchiefs. Visiting her house is always a fucking trip but this year will be extra fun because of KITTENS – she adopted two kittens last year, and then one week later she adopted a third, because it was the last one left and she felt bad for it. She now claims that she made a huge mistake but no one believes her.
She collects snowman figurines and anything moose-related. Last Christmas she made me this bag.
I do not use the bag but I love her very much.
My holidays are nice! The difficult relatives are now mostly dead or live very far away so it’s mostly my parents and siblings and the occasional aunt or uncle. We cook a lot and play the Discworld board game and sit by the fire and make holiday drinks. I’m really looking forward to driving home to see everyone.
My niece is the best! We are going to have a holiday cookie baking day bc THAT IS WHAT WE DO. I started baking with her when she was a kiddo and now she has her own personal recipes and sends me pics of baking with her friends at college and it is the greatest! I also get to hang out with my best friend! SO looking fwd to spa-day wine-downs with maybe a DIY craft or just painting our own nails?
ALSO MY MOMS DOGS WHO ARE BOTH ADORABLE AND LOVING LITTLE DIVAS
This Christmas will be the first time I see some of my family since my wedding two years ago, which some of them declined to attend on religious principle. I’m mostly meh about seeing those particular people, obviously, but two of those cousins have young children whom I haven’t seen (even in pictures) since they were about 6 months old, and I am pretty excited to see what the kids are like now.
Also I get to hang out with my brother- and sister-in-law, who are THE BEST.
My brother! In Hamilton, when Angelica sings, “I know my sister like I know my own mind, you will never find anyone as trusting or as kind,” I cry EVERY TIME, because that is my brother and me. We are definitely different– I’m more earnest, and he’s more tease-y– but he is super-respectful about my boundaries and will apologize if he inadvertently pokes a sore spot. And we can talk about almost anything.
Brother’s kids! Oldest and I have been buds for about six years now (Oldest is seven)– very simpatico: we are the same flavor of earnest. Middle (who wants to be an explosives expert someday, and who finds it total catnip to be taken seriously by an adult) and I are getting to know and enjoy each other better and better. And Youngest is so brave and curious and into new experiences, which I find heartening. (A couple years ago, I roasted an eggplant over a campfire, then peeled it and mashed it with salt, pepper, olive oil, and roasted garlic. Oldest and Middle said no thanks. Youngest tried a spoonful, then cried until more was forthcoming. Babyganoush!)
Favorite aunt (who won’t be at family Christmas this year, but I love seeing her when she is present)! She is a retired teacher and has always treated me as a person with a mind of my own, and a person worth knowing, rather than as an extension of my parents. There’s plenty we disagree about, but disagreement between us is okay– neither of us got the “must annihilate opponent!” gene, and we both try way harder than the family average to understand other people’s perspectives. So it’s really gratifying to talk with her. Also, her standard poodle is a trained therapy dog.
Partner’s family is hella great. I was friends with P’s sister long before P and I started dating. And P’s mom is as dear as my own mom, but far less likely than my own mom, as P would put it, “to be the main character in a long-lost Shakespearean tragedy about attachment and missed opportunities.”
I see my entire extended family at Christmas, and some are great and some are not so great. But I think my favorites are my aunt and her 2 daughters. My aunt is my mom’s sister and just one year older than her, and they have always been super close and she has always been in my life – when I was a kid she was the one who gave me feminist kid stuff like “The Paper Bag Princess” and “Free To Be…You And Me” and “Girls! Who Rocked The World.” My mom had me when she was in her late-20s, and my aunt had kids in her early 40s, so I am 10-plus years older than her daughters – which means that I’ve gotten to be the cool older cousin who taught them to how paint their nails and introduced them to Harry Potter. Now, they’re in their preteens and early teens and they’re so smart and creative and I love watching them grow up – last Christmas they (respectfully) yelled at my grandma when she said something homophobic. :’)
My friend posted this gif of the Babadook and I can’t get enough.
I’m also making my Christmas Megamix into a Christmas/Winter Megamix. What are your favorite songs about winter?
I’m still waiting on my Babadook pop-up book. It’s taking forever but that’s ok as I am patient.
Do yo know Gordon Lightfoot’s “Song For A Winter’s Night”? It’s wistful, and quite lovely; I find it a good sort-of-holiday-appropriate song for this time of year: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yQc-wGeYvk
This is exactly the sort of stuff I’m looking for! Thanks!
you’re very welcome! I also love piano jazz as a way to set a winter festive atmosphere, especially Oscar Peterson.
I’m fond of “A Long December.” I’m well aware that Counting Crows are not, strictly speaking, a good band, but it makes me feel like this year really will be better than the last.
I have never saved a gif so quickly.
“Snowfall” by Ingrid Michaelson is so sweet and wonderful. Also, Sarah McLachlan has a cover of “Song for a Winter’s Night” that I think is lovely.
Fairy tale of New York with The Pogues & Kirsty MacColl
If possible find the version from A Very Murray Christmas. It’s really great and Jenny Lewis shines on it.
“Fairy Tale of New York” in my iTunes increments by about 400 plays every December, then sits quietly until I need it again to get through the cheery fucking Muzak everywhere.
River by Joni Mitchell.
This is earlier than I expected and I just woke up!!!
So, this week in Daisy life, I went home. I took the bus by myself and I didn’t die. Now all I have to do is write a 2500 word paper before monday, which I can totally do….right? I can do it.
The gf comes home soon and I am so lucky I get to spend break with her. I am going to miss Agnes….I don’t get back to college for a whole month!!! It’s crazy!!
My littlest brother had his christmas play last night where he dressed in Lederhosen and discussed Christmas in Germany. My other younger brother is Algernon in Importance of Being Earnest and I just found out he’s cast as Petruchio in Taming of the Shrew. My poor older sister heart cannot take him being in romantic leads.
The other sibling, my sister the golden child, learned It’s Quiet Uptown on her ukulele and it knocks me out I fall apart.
It’s my mother’s birthday today so I have to go wrap a bunch of gifts and try to start this paper. Luckily I have an episode of Serial.
Oh, also, does anybody watch the Great Pottery Throwdown because I need to discuss the judges’ hairstyles and the dude who looks like Blond Dreadlocks Bradley Cooper.
2500 words is absolutely doable on a weekend. Don’t stress yourself too much (but also don’t put it off until Sunday evening).
Enjoy the time with your family!
2500 in a weekend is cake. If you have a helpful friend though you might want to email a copy of every couple pages as you finish them for peer review. 2500 is cake but its also often more stream of conscious-ey than you realize. I once knocked out a 3500 word article on Mesopotamian astronomy in a day only to realize later that I had started every paragraph with the word “while”. It helps to catch that early.
1000 words a day, with monday to edit.
I can do it! WOO!
No guys don’t you understand literally every paragraph started with WHILE. My friend and I were editing it (it was part of a group project) and four paragraphs in my heart sank and I stole the laptop back just to delete all 25 or so instances of it.
It’s particularly terrible because I spent so much time in highschool with a red pen during peer review explaining to people that you don’t need to use words to mark that time is progressing or to mark when this sentence is going to contradict the previous one or when this paragraph is on a new topic: these things are all built into our human assumptions of prose structure. Eight pages of me completely failing to practice what I had been preaching for a decade.
I have the same problems with “Although”s and “However”s
I’m a big abuser of the However. I spend as much time deleting my howevers as I do actually writing any given sentence.
I finally finished the Hamilton biography! Now I need to find something authoritative on Burr, cause that guy was either a total sociopath or repressing a lot of damage.
Burr is awful in a lot of ways but his journals make him seem like a cute dumb eggplant.
Like, it’s not that he just banged his head twice on the same pipe, or got a zit that he was so embarrassed by that he hid from society, or set himself on fire while lighting a candle with a gun (which may be the most quintessentially American story I’ve ever heard). It’s that he wrote all these incidents down like some Revolutionary Bridget Jones.
set himself on fire while lighting a candle with a gun
literally crying rn
Oh my gosh that’s exactly it, I’ve been seeing excerpts from Burr’s diaries all over Tumblr and that’s exactly what they remind me of, he IS Bridget Jones.
I’m very sorry that I missed the obvious Burrget Jones pun there.
The excerpts from his letters in the book are so fantastic, but also some of the stuff he did is just like, are you kidding me? I need to read these journals.
Had a torrid affair with a candle and a gun, and wrote it down.
Oh, my.
I’m listening to the audio book now (in prep for seeing Hamilton in two weeks!!!) and it is BONKERS. Hamilton, what a ridiculous human being.
I felt better when I learned that even Busta Rhymes feels intimidated by “Non-Stop”, because while I love that song, it also makes me feel so inadequate. I’m more than halfway to Hamilton’s age when he died and I haven’t helped win a revolution or set up a new government.
I’m expecting this under the tree on Christmas morning and can’t Wait For It!
Also:I got a new and more powerful phone. What are your favourite apps? I’m open to anything–right now I basically only have twitter and Facebook and IG and like, my grocery store points app.
NEKO ATSUME
Feedly! It’s how I keep track of the whole world. I whole-heartedly recommend it and RSS in general to everyone.
clue! for period-tracking. i love the graphics and the general german no-nonsense of the whole deal.
Iphone or android? myNoise is entertaining to play with, Zombies, Run and Yoga Studio are my best health apps, if you meditate Insight timer is great, and my favorite games are Monument, Alto, Year Walk, and Tengami.
Llama is fun for tweaking how your phone works. Mine is set so that it turns the ringer down when I’m at work, turns it up when I get home, turns sounds for notifications off when it’s past my bedtime and I’m at home but not when I’m out, opens my music player when I plug my headphones in etc.
I also use DoIt for to do lists, Fitocracy for tracking my workouts, and my newest toy is Vivino which recognizes wine labels and wine lists if you photograph them and will then bring up reviews and information about the wine.
The Kim Kardashian game is so much stupid fun.
Oh my God I am so trying to avoid putting it on my new phone because I had it for a year and a half on my old phone and sunk SO much time into it and reached level 35 and I just cannot start it over again. (I am hanging onto my old phone until I can sell it just to keep playing it. I have a problem.)
Hahahaha I know I had the same problem but then I got this new phone and I was like… welllllllllllllllllll
Two dots!
I feel guilty telling people about Two Dots sometimes, like I’m giving heroin to somebody so they can try it for the first time.
Hah! That is entirely correct.
Pocketcasts for podcasts. Our groceries for grocery lists, especially if you share shopping duty with someone else.
If you like silly simulation games, try just about any Kairosoft game (http://kairopark.jp/iphone/en/). My favorites are Dungeon Village (fantasy RPG sim), Pocket Academy (school sim), and Magazine Mogul (journalism sim?), but they’re all fantastic timewasters.
If you have an Android, you get an even better assortment of games–there’s a pirate sim that I keep hoping will make the jump over to iPhone.
Alphabear if you like word games, and seconding the recommendations for Neko Atsume, Clue, and Feedly.
In the “strangely addictive games” category, Little Alchemy. You start with Earth, Air, Fire, and Water, and you combine two elements at a time to produce new ones. There are 550 items plus an unknown number of hidden elements.
Citymapper if you take public transport and are in a city it covers – I use it for London and it’s the best.
From the Zombies Run people, I loved The Walk, a walking app with a storyline – you are given a mysterious package in Aberdeen and then an EMP bomb goes off and you have to walk to Edinburgh to deliver it and save the world, with the help of a minder in Geneva and various people you meet along the way.
Oh, also, I like Moves as a step counter, which also gives you a timed map of your day.
So late to this thread but my absolute favorite phone game is 1010!. It’s like… weird Tetris.
Fancy flours versus store brand: is one actually better? I always buy store brand just because it’s 1/3 the price, and my baked goods always seem fine. But could they be even better with King Arthur, for example? I’ve always wondered.
I very firmly and strongly believe in King Arthur flour for breads. I really do think it makes a difference. I make bread pretty often and the quality of it has gone up since I switched to King Arthur exclusively.
That said, I don’t think it matters as much for cookies and simple cakes. I’ve definitely not noticed any change in cookie quality. So maybe it just depends on what you are cooking!
I agree that it matters for bread and doesn’t matter for anything where the texture will be largely defined by sugar
I am a huge fan of King Arthur flour! But I also buy it on sale and at stores where it’s not that much more expensive than store brand. (For example, right now I’m buying 25lb bags for $14 from Costco.) I’ve pretty much always been able to find it for 2x or less the store brand price. I also like them as a company. I think it’s definitely a good improvement over a lot of store brand flours, and the cost vs how things taste and how I feel about buying it is worth it for me.
Ok, that’s three votes for King Authur! Thanks, all. I’ll give it a try next time I make bread.
it has to do with the protein content. Here’s a link
http://theartisan.net/ProteinComparisons.htm
I bought some fancy, locally-grown-and-ground flour a while back, and I was like, “Well, I’ve crossed some kind of hipster threshold. There’s no going back now”.
It did make some really great pastry, though.
People, I want to know your ride-or-die products. How do you stay unchapped and unscaly in frozen desert winters? What magic do you use to wing your eyeliner so sharp you might kill a man? What lipstick do you use when you want to look like a snow witch? Tell me all.
I will forever swear by C.O. Bigelow rose salve. I put it on my lips every night before bed and it keeps my lips from getting chapped all through the night.
My favorite lip gloss/lipstick (heavier than a gloss, lighter than a lipstick) is Burt’s Bees lip shimmer, which has a lovely minty taste so I always put it on over whatever lipstick I’m wearing!
oooOOOoo. I don’t wear lipstick because it does such a number on my lips (every brand, all of them). But maybe if I put this stuff on every night…hm! Gonna give this a try. Thank you!
Cetaphil to wash my face and Aveeno daily moisturizer with spf 30. Slather it on every morning and evening and my face stays nice even when it’s -30. But I also cover my face with scarves in that weather, which I imagine helps.
Aveeno moisturizer with SPF in the morning, Simple moisturizer at night, a scrub for when my lips get weird, and colourpop for snow witch lips.
Okay guys but what if my feet are cracked and bleeding in at least four places? Should I just be walking around in garbage bags full of vaseline?
I’ve heard good things about Bag Balm.
Get some of those moisturizing booties! They’re these vaguely foot shaped plastic bags full of goo that you put on your feet for a couple hours
That sounds delightful and gross at the same time.
Last year I had to designate a pair of socks as moisturizer socks. I’d put a bunch of goop on my feet, then the socks, before bed. It did help! But I would use regular moisturizer under vaseline. When I’ve done just vaseline, it didn’t do as much as I thought it would.
Like what did you use for moisturizer? I am not in general a moisterizery guy and when I do break down generally buy vaseline or tub-o-aquaphor on my suspicion that most skincare products are in fact just an oil of some sort mixed in with bullshit.
Honestly I can’t remember. For feet/body purposes, I just buy whatever unscented ultra-strength moisturizer is on sale. Neutrogena, Aveeno, and Cerave are all pretty good bets. If you’re looking for stuff for your face, I have a Cetaphil moisturizer with sunscreen that is really good in the winter. It’s too greasy for warm weather, but when dry skin season hits, it’s great. The rest of the year, I use Neutrogena face moisturizer. My boyfriend and brother both love cocoa butter. I myself am too distracted by my own body smelling of chocolate, but it does work well.
you need to put on actual moisturizer. the thing with vaseline and aquaphor is that the main ingredient, petrolatum, isn’t actually moisturizing on its own. it traps moisture in, which is super helpful, though. and those products do include some oil. but it’s better to choose a moisturizer with a better balance, (i like neutrogena norwegian formula) or to put on lotion first before layering vaseline over. also heads up, petrolatum creates a warm, trapped environment where fungus loves to grow, so if your feet are susceptible, think twice.
eucerin sells a good, cheap foot cream (i think it’s labeled “intensive repair”) that you can buy at a drugstore. treat your feet nicely! they’re the only pair you’ve got!
I have Problem Feet (they cracked and bled across three continents last year, whee) and the only thing that’s every really done the trick is Heel Tastic+socks. None of the other heel sticks, none of the other emollients, just HeelTastic. I remember the first stick I got lasting longer than the most recent one, so I think they might’ve shrunk down amount of product you get for the price (about $8) but I’ve never found anything that’s a patch on it. I’ll do a nice epsom soak, try to remove whatever dead skin I can, partially dry my feet then slather the HeelTastic on. Top it with socks (or plastic wrap+socks if the situation is particularly dire) and keep them on as long as I can. That usually gets the ball rolling, then I can just reapply without the presoak after that.
100% cream with a lot of urea. Like the higher the better.
Put it on your feet, put some socks on, repeat.
Don’t fuck around with anything else.
My holy grail moisturizer is Haus of Gloi’s pumpkin butter. When I first moved to a place with real winters, I was totally blindsided by how dry and peely and gross my face got and this has saved my skin.
For super matte liquid lipsticks, I adore Colorpop. They have so many colors and they are only $5 and they come with a decent amount of product and are just the best.
How drying is the Colorpop formula? I just got into liquid lipsticks and want to buy ALL OF THEM, but have noticed that some make your lips flakey.
At least on me, they aren’t too drying. My lips end up a little drier at the end of the day, but that’s because I couldn’t apply lip balm throughout the day like I usually do, not because the formula itself dries out my lips.
Aquaphor Lip Repair for chapped lips and Lush’s Handy Gurugu for hands and other dry extremities. It feels like butter and smells sooooo goooood.
I keep seeing people review the Colorpop mattes on tumblr, and they look *amazing* and I am very much intrigued. But is liquid lipstick not for beginners? Does it take a lot of practice to apply? I’ve heard they stay put a frightening amount.
I think there’s a little bit of a learning curve, but if you have a fairly steady hand you should be fine. Here’s a tutorial that I generally agree with. It is true that a lot of them set really quickly, so if you do make a mistake, you have to catch it immediately. But you do get used to it.
The only part that takes a little practice is getting a crisp/even edge. I would say that if you don’t have issues with applying a pigmented traditional lipstick you should be fine. It’s a little more difficult to clean up the edges of you mess up with liquid lipstick since once it is dry you can’t just wipe it off, so I would keep a q tip dunked in makeup remover handy. If you are having trouble removing it, oil breaks it down pretty quickly, although I usually just use miscellar water and that gets it off well enough for me.
Neutrogena hand cream! It is magical. I deal with paper all day, too, and it keeps my hands soft (especially since I have a tendency to not wear gloves…oops).
I slather my hands in aquaphor and then put gloves on overnight. It can be a little itchy (and if your hands are cracked when you start doing it it does sting a bit) but it’s very effective.
And Carmex for chapped lips!
i do the same thing with neutrogena’s norwegian lotion. i just buy a pack of latex gloves every winter. it feels kind of weird but it does the trick.
Elizabeth Arden 8 Hour Cream. This is my nighttime lip balm, my chapped-lips-fix, occasionally my flyaway hair fix, my ragged dry cuticles fix, my chapped-knuckles fix. It is sticky and gloopy and gross in texture but it is pretty much the single most effective thing I’ve ever used. I apply it to the inside of my nostrils with a q-tip to stop or prevent nosebleeds when I feel them coming. I rub it into my nails when they’re dry and flaky. It was supposedly originally designed to heal Elizabeth Arden’s racehorses and it’s made of (gross, sticky) magic.
i use oil (coconut, almond, olive in a pinch) to wash my face and also all over my body after a shower. not a specific product, but it keeps me soft.
snow witch lipstick: revlon colorburst in the shiny tube. (it works as rouge too.) i love lipsticks that look like giant crayons.
Aquaphor on my hands after every time I wash them
Burt’s Bees peppermint lip balm
Nars Dragon Girl lip pencil for red Christmas/snow witch lips
My best friend got this for me for Christmas a few years ago, because she is a perfect human.
Nars lip crayons for life.
Dragon Girl is on the top of my lipstick wishlist.
First Aid Beauty ultra repair cream from sephora does WONDERS for my chapped face in the winter.
Tarte lipstick for all your lipstick needs. Mac has some great colors, but it’s a bit sticky and hard to put on for me. Urban Decay’s extra pigmented eyeliner for smokey eyes.
i love jordana’s fabuliner liquid liner. it’s like, $3 or something? and the black is pretty darn black and i like the way the felt tip works more than any other felt tip eyeliner i’ve used. it’s just not waterproof, which is a bummer.
also mint chapstick in the green tube. and lancome’s blush subtil in sheer amourose.
I have struggled with intermittent acne/skin fussiness for my entire adult life, and that has ALL CHANGED since I started using this back in July. (It says “priced per store” but I got it for about $12 and I am only halfway done with the jar.) On the advice of the folks at r/skincareaddiction, I use this at night before going to bed, and then these guys in the morning. I think I’ve recommended this combo here before, but it has literally been life-changing. I very rarely get blemishes now, and there have been NO big gross cystic ones at all.
Intriguing! My partner has cystic acne which I care about only because it makes her sad. Do you find that combo drying? Have you had issues at any point trying to balance dry, flaking skin with acne treatments?
Hmmm. My skin tends toward the oily, if anything, so flakiness has never been a huge issue for me. I definitely do use a moisturizer or serum in the morning after the Stridex pads, which can make my skin feel a teensy bit tight right after I use them.
Cococare Cocoa Butter lip balm, in the yellow and brown tube. It is so great, really moisturizing, but really hard to find above the Mason Dixon line for some reason so I order it in packs of 6 online.
Oh, and also Nivea Smooth Indulgence hand cream.
I’m really into Blistex Five Star Lip Protector, which has SPF 30. I bought it in a chapstick emergency in NYC and have never looked back. It also smells a little like vanilla!
The only kind of hand lotion that doesn’t drive me nuts (I hate greasy/slippery texture) is Aveeno’s skin relief hand cream. It makes my hands so soft!
My other favorite product, non-winter-related, is Bumble & bumble’s Sumotech hair wax. It’s maybe my favorite smell ever, and it makes my (short pixie) hair stay in place without being crunchy!
New convert to Nars Fire Down Below. It’s literally the shade of blood (universally flattering) & it doesn’t wear off like every other red lipstick ever. And it can be layered on really well.
Avene (not to be confused with Aveeno) light moisturizer the only face cream that doesn’t make me break out. I have very “normal even” skin that doesn’t like too much on it during the day, but in the winter I can be flaky & need something good, but never too heavy.
I love Avene!
Here’s a fun product tale! I have been getting cheilitis since August, which is basically inflammation of the lips, resulting in these weird unhealing flaky parts. I finally went to a dermatologist, who eventually told me that I was probably allergic to some of my lipsticks, and demanded I stop wearing lipstick.
Jokes on him I have kept wearing the stuff I KNOW doesn’t make the cheilitis flare. But now I am looking all my other beloved lipsticks with fear and sadness in my eyes.
I had that last winter and it was THE ABSOLUTE WORST. I quit wearing lipstick/lipbalm for a long while and went through a lot of lip Vaseline. Do you ever use eos lip balms? Because weirdly, I have heard that a lot of people have issues with that brand and cheilitis, and it set mine off too.
OH INTERESTING. Why, yes I do.
I’m throwing the one on my desk away RIGHT NOW.
Cheilitis is the worst, dude. It caused me much anguish this year after I moved from a humid climate to drought-stricken SoCal. I too cut out my beloved lipsticks, to no effect. For what it’s worth, I believe my cheilitis woes abated after I stopped using mineral oil-based lip balms (I’m looking at you, Carmex/Aquaphor/Vaseline Lip Therapy). I switched to a coconut oil-based chapstick I found at Whole Foods (further supporting my hunch that plant oils are the way to go with my skincare in general, and that mineral oil is the milk of Satan). It’s soothing, softening, and acts as great base for lip color: http://alaffia.com/fair-trade-lip-balm-purely-coc….
My GP thought my cheilitis might be the pre-cancerous kind, and I told my friend the oncologist and she “joked” that they were going to have to remove part of my lip so you could always see my teeth (I think to her it was such a ridiculous suggestion that it was not a cruel joke) and I was NOT PLEASED.
I swear on lanolin for chapped lips. I use 100% lanolin at night (it’s pretty goopy) and burts bees classique at work. The lanolin smells a little…sheepy, but I don’t mind.
– Tresemme breakage defense shampoo– I feel bad using it, because it has gelatin and I’m a vegetarian, but oh my god it works. I used to get split ends < 2 months after a haircut, now I get No Split Ends and it’s a miracle.
– St. Ives oatmeal mask/scrub. Super gentle and very brightening. It’s the first skin product I’ve ever (a) used all of and (b) bought a second of.
– Aquaphor. Just always.
I love all St. Ives products and the fact that they’re all SO CHEAP
The most consistently complimented lip product I use is the Wet n’ Wild Megalast lipstick. They’re like, two bucks each, matte and INVINCIBLE, in a really great range of colors, and i have approximately a zillion. This one dark purple I have called Vamp It Up is great for when I feel like exuding my witch persona, and there’s a lighter one called Sugar Plum Fairy, special-made for winter witches.
You will have to pry the Nivea Essential lip balm out of my cold, dead hands during winters. It’s basic, it’s cheap, and it WORKS. I love that it doesn’t have much of a scent, it doesn’t feel too thick, it’s not glossy, and my lips absorb it quickly. I need nothing else in life.
For hands, L’Occitane’s hand cream with 20% shea butter is lovely. Pricey, and I’m not too fond of the scent (I don’t like their other custom hand cream scents any better), but it absorbs quickly & makes my hands so soft. Can only be beat by pure shea butter, but I haven’t had a chance to go to an African beauty shop in a while.
Face is pickier, but my holy grail is Clinique’s Turnaround Revitalizing Serum. I have weirdly sensitive combo skin that alternates between an oil slick and a peeling desert, but this stuff evens out my skin tone & makes my face so soft that I never want to stop touching it. I use it in combination with Clinique’s Mild Clarifying Lotion, and my skin has never been happier.
I have Nivea Essential Lip Balm (possibly from the ‘for men’ line which is code for ‘unscented matte lip balm’) and I LOVE it. I used it at night and also on my eyelids (by way of a clean finger) to treat the delicate but itchy flaky dry areas up there.
Glossier balm dotcom is saving my lips rn, esp since I wear a lot of matte lipsticks. I also swear by their moisturizing moon mask, which I use as a night time moisturizer. So glowy and soft!
Ah living in Canada prevents me from getting at glossier and I am so jealous.
Burt’s Bees lip balm lives on my nightstand in the winter. It’s the only thing that lets me keep wearing red lipstick during the day without chapping and flaking all over the place.
I don’t do eyeliner all that often, but when I want to wing it out I use Benefit’s They’re Real! Push-Up Liner which is a terribly ridiculous name, but a product I love with all my heart. Basically it’s cream eyeliner but in squeeze-tube form, only not squeeze-tube, more of a clicky pen thing. It’s so easy to use! (Don’t use with other forms of eyeliner, though, then it gets gross and clumpy.)
So the issue I have with the Benefit Push-Up Liner is that usually whenever I take the lid off, it seems like several clicks worth of eyeliner have already oozed out of the top, so then I have to wipe that off, which feels wasteful. And then it takes me several more clicks before new eyeliner gets pushed to the top. I have tried storing it horizontally, vertically (with the pen side up and pen side down) and it just keeps happening! Anyone else have this experience/a potential solution?
I had that problem when I first got it and for me it was definitely the result of overzealous clicking. It comes out pretty slow, so now I click it maybe three times, get rid of the little bit of dried stuff at the tip (yeah, annoying and a bit wasteful), set it down and wait for the rest to arrive while I like, prime my eyelids or whatever. This seems to ensure I get the right amount of product, but is a bit of a production.
I’ve been using The Body Shop’s Cocoa butter lip care stick… for probably around 10 years now. I have another tube with SPF but I only use that when I’m about to go outside.
That plus Vaseline keeps my lips un-chapped, and the Vaseline goes on my cheeks too when they get dry and flakey, and that does the trick.
Also Em brand waterliner (eyeliner) comes in a great purple color, the perfectest purple for an eyeliner and i have tried a few.
I’ve just moved to a relatively cold place and my skin is rebelling. I’ve been using Badger Muscle Rub (http://www.badgerbalm.com/p-18-sore-muscle-rub-original.aspx) for my hands: it has cayenne and ginger and other “heating oils”, so it also creates the illusion of warmth for about 10 seconds. It’s not as strong as Tiger Balm, which I prefer for actual sore muscles, but it smells nice and moisturizes.
Dr. Bronner’s All-in-One Naked lip balm. Goes with me everyday, everywhere–no fragrance, no dyes, just beeswax, avocado, hemp, and jojoba oils.
I keep my eyeliner sharp and crisper than Bianca del Rio with Maybelline waterproof mascara, lined onto my lids with an angled tweezer (trust–it works better than anything else, I swear).
I also use Urban Decay’s primer potion everyday, in a delightful champagne color. An $18 tube will last as many months for beautiful color on its own, or as a 24-hour base for any other shadow, without the hideous demon of creasing to fear.
Urban Decay’s All Nighter setting spray is also worth every penny, but I only use it for special events, theatre, or for those times when one wants to still look fresh to death at 2am after a night of sweaty clubbing.
Are there any other Toasties doing a bunch of sewing? I got into sewing in July and uh, I can’t stop! My last project was a long sleeved Lark Tee from Grainline Studio in this RIDICULOUS fox print http://www.girlcharlee.com/fox-family-on-cobalt-b…. I love it, but to be quite honest, it looks too much like pajamas for me to wear it to work. I could probably do it if I had something to layer over it, but I don’t. I’m going to make some more (with a bit more room in the bust) in some more sensible prints.
What are your current projects?
Any favorite patterns that are good for a beginner-to-intermediate sewist?
OH OH ME. ME.
I’m planning the remake my hastily thrown together dress from last Saturday. Either I add trim to the edges, or make it EVEN MORE PLEATED or both and clean up the hem and such (which needs to happen anyway).
THEN, I SHALL MAKE A VEST. Maybe, I donno.
PLEAT EVERYTHING says the woman who has made 3 Colette Zinnias (I love the pleats! Extra fullness without the bulkiness of gathers!)
Me! I keep adding to the sewing projects. Did a fake fur cardigan, then a lined velvet dressing gown, now have a sparkly tunic dress overlay to turn a friend into Lady Mary for a Downton costume party, and my own costume to complete.
But patterns! I can’t do a thing with them; stuff always goes wonky & I need more fabric.
Lady Mary costume! So cool.
I’m on our local library board & in charge of a Downton costume dinner fundraiser. It’s fabulous.
Yes! In the past month I have made three knit dresses, a galaxy bra, and a stuffed Christmas tree.
I love the Deer & Doe Plantain tee – it’s free! I bought Colette’s Moneta which was the original basis for the knit dresses but I fit the Plantain shape so much better that now all I want to make a dresses with Plantain tops, cut off at the waist, with skirts attached.
And if you are at all interested in making bras, Cloth Habit’s Watson is a great place to start.
I should have said, I’m usually a size 18 or higher in US sizing, so Deer & Doe isn’t really an option for me (I mean, I grade up on a lot of patterns but with their stuff it’s just too much. I wish they did larger sizing because they have some beautiful patterns.
I’m interested in making bras but I’m not sure if I’m at that skill point yet. I’ve done some shirt making (Grainline Alder) and I’m generally pretty happy with what I make, even if the fit doesn’t come out right, but I’m not sure if bra making would be a skill building exercise or an exercise in frustration. But GALAXY BRA? That sounds fabulous. Where’d you get the fabric?
Oh yeah, they are very limited in that way. I’m impressed with shirt making! Collars and buttonholes might be a thing to learn in 2016 for me, right now they are just scary.
I went in a local shop to pick up some shiny silver fabric to make a belt for a Princess Leia costume in October and they had galaxy print spandex for like $5/m so I had to get some. I hope to make galaxy leggings too but I’m probably getting my grandma’s old serger soon so I’m waiting on that to make sewing knits easier.
Oh exciting! I asked for an intro-level serger this Christmas and I’m very excited to see how that improves my knit sewing. 🙂
Buttonholes aren’t too difficult, it’s more whether or not your machine is good at them. Mine is not great 🙁 . The collar didn’t turn out to be too hard either. I mean, it’s definitely not perfect and I think each time I make one they’ll get closer to the platonic ideal, but it doesn’t look garbage. One of the hardest things about sewing is accepting the difference between “what I thought this would look like” and “how this actually looks” and where the problems are the pattern, the alterations I made, or just my skills still needing to improve.
Robot I am bracing myself before my next cosplay project because it is going to drive me UP A WALL but I love seeing your fun projects!
I think I’m going to start sewing a lot more once my very secret Christmas present of a sewing machine arrives. So far I’ve made an apron, a tote bag, and two pillows in class, and a Colette Sorbetto (ehhh) all on my own. I’ve got a Zinnia in the works, but I think I picked a horrible fabric because I had a hell of a time tracing/cutting/measuring. Any tips on pairing fabrics with projects, and knowing what’s a good deal vs. plain cheap?
I love how the Sorbetto looks on some people but I don’t think it’s universally flattering. I should consider trying one although I’d definitely need to do an FBA.
As for fabrics: that’s a great question! I’m still learning so much about how to pick fabrics. My best tip so far is if you have a good fabric store to ask their staff. I live around Boston and the staff at Gather Here and Grey’s Fabric have been very helpful to me in figuring out what I want. For the Zinnia, two of my versions were in a cotton lawn, and one was in a chambray (covered in ships, very Take To The Sea.) I think my main tips with woven fabrics are as I’m learning, to stick with stuff that’s not too slippery, buy a bit more than the pattern says, and to go for things that are cotton or linen versus non natural fibers. Also, skip quilting cottons for most garments: they usually don’t drape as nicely as other fabrics will.
How do you do your tracing and cutting? It’s also possible that with your fabric a different way of pinning/tracing/cutting would work better.
Thanks! That’s good advice. I’ve been going to Vogue Fabrics here, which is one of those old-school joints with a million unlabeled bolts and surly employees who are probably helpful if you know what you’re doing already but intimidating otherwise.
I traced my Zinnia onto interfacing and cut it out, but it really doesn’t resemble the pattern very closely at all. I think I might buy PDF patterns and print them on the plotter in the future, since I hate the idea of cutting into/ruining tissue patterns but making a copy seems to introduce all kinds of noise.
Oh yeah, those giant old school fabric stores are very intimidating! It took me a while to get used to asking people even at my nice little local shop. But I bet at least they have a great selection, once you get better at finding what you need!
And, yeah, it took me a while to get more accurate at tracing patterns (I do mine onto Swedish tracing paper.) Since I basically always have to do a bust alteration, I never cut into the tissue. If you have easy access to a plotter to print patterns that’s a great option! I got the Paprika Patterns Jasper pdf pattern printed at a copyshop but it was kind of a pain; the Fedex/Kinko’s employees were weirdly rude about it and it cost something like $15-$20, which makes me really prefer buying a tissue pattern. I should try finding another less frustrating place to get pdf patterns printed though; I have a few PDF ones in mind and I hate the cutting and taping of multiple pieces (plus it’s so easy to introduce errors in the grainline markings.)
The Colette book has some good notes about choosing fabrics to match a pattern, and the book I am hoping to get soon is the Mood Guide to Fashion and Fabric, which basically describes every fabric and how it behaves and what you can do to it and what it’s good for.
Next time you’re at a store that labels what a fabric is made of, just go around and touch stuff and drape it over your hand and wave it around and see how it moves and feels, and then note what it is. Most slinky or shiny or silky fabrics, including most silks and a lot of lightweight polyesters, are going to slide around and be difficult to cut. Some people will spray slippery fabric with starch or pin the fabric to tissue paper before attempting to cut/pin/trace, which makes it more stable, but I usually just try to err on the side of cutting a bit outside the lines and then evening it out later. But I mostly only use that kind of stuff for linings where mistakes are not quite so obvious.
I’ve been itching to sew! Between buying a house and moving, fixing the place up, and now xmas I haven’t made anything in 6 months! I have a few small projects to do for xmas but I have fabric pulled for a couple quilts that I get to start on after the holidays. The best part? My house now has a sewing room!!!!
AHHHHHH I would love to have a sewing room oh my gosh.
I tried an intro patchwork/quilt class at my local shop but I just wasn’t very good at it! I think I need to improve my precision to get those nice parallel lines.
Hahaha, I’m the exact opposite! Quilting is so easy because I just have to sew straight lines, it’s garments that are tough for me because there are just so many techniques.
Ahhh that makes sense! I think my quilt problem was also due to the fact that my home sewing machine doesn’t feed perfectly straight? I think I get used to pulling slightly and then when I take classes at the shop my seams end up a a little off because of it. I think I’m going to put part of my annual bonus toward a sewing machine upgrade.
Sewing room! So jealous.
I am just learning to quilt now, I did a class in the fall and my mom is giving me rotary cutting supplies for Christmas, and I’m really looking forward to making a lap quilt soon.
I haven’t sewed in a while and I’m trying to get back into it. I went on a pattern and fabric buying binge so I have three patterns cut out right now and waiting (Lou Box Tee, Grainline something tee…and the Fen dress by Fancy Tiger), but I’m paralyzed by fear of cutting into my fabrics. What if they don’t fit? What if I screw it up? What if I picked the wrong fabric? Ahhh! I’ve spent to much time knitting, I think.
Ahhh! That can be very stressful! You could always make up a version in cheap muslin first! I get stressed out too right before I start cutting, but once I make that first cut I kind of go “OH WELL” and just keep going.
Yeah, I think it need to just go for it! I think I’m going to do a muslin for the dress because there are way more steps than the simple tops.
I’m really good at starting projects, not great at finishing them.
I spent obsessive hours fitting Sewaholic’s Cambie and over the summer made it in grey quilting fabric with pink flamingos. So last weekend I frankenpatterned the top from Cambie with By Hand London’s Charlotte skirt, but hit a snag trying to match up the fabric pattern along the zipper (using this fabric: http://www.ebay.com/itm/like/231732945692?ul_noap…. That’s on hold, but when I’m finished I’m going to wear it to a speakeasy with my hair piled on my head and red lipstick, and maybe a cigarette holder.
I also started this dress: http://papercutpatterns.com/products/sway-dress, in a navy polka dot fabric.
For easy-ish patterns, I highly recommend Cambie and also Tessuti’s Alice top–I’ve made three of them that I wear regularly, and I have plans for several more in cute voile fabric.
That’s going to be so pretty!
Aiming for super-vamp! Which is not really me, but whatevs.
Oooh, navy polka dot! The sway dress looks fun (I can’t help but giggle at the model’s expressions in those pictures though.)
Sewaholic’s patterns always look nice but they draft for small busted pear shape people and I’m so very not that that I haven’t tried any of their patterns. Maybe when I’m better at altering patterns I’ll give it a go (love the look of the Granville for example).
Oof, counting down to afternoon coffee & cookie time with my colleagues (after which I am skipping out early to hide somewhere and grade many things).
My thoughts go out to those of you dealing with difficult family situations these holidays. I’m spending Christmas Day traveling, then having a post-Christmas celebration with my absolute favorite relative, but avoiding all family gatherings doesn’t solve all the guilty/bad feelings around this time of year. Hugs to all of us.
Rant + question: I realize this week that I have made myself permanently nauseous with anxiety about the work I have to do in the next few weeks: I always feel these things in my stomach, but this week I’ve been throwing up/not sleeping because of it. How do I turn that off? I have color-coded lists and motivational writing things and no-distractions internet blockers but … I’m at a point where I feel like the amount of things I have to do will just … not be done in the time I have to do them.
How do you deal when you realize you’re going to have to not follow through with or do a less-than-great job on work things? Do you have any tricks for really figuring out your priorities and managing your time in these crunch situations.
When it comes to this kind of work thing, can you get your boss’s opinion on how to prioritize stuff? Or talk it out with a colleague, since it sounds like you’re a teacher? Sometimes when I have trouble with this kind of prioritization, it helps me just to talk it out, literally out loud, with someone else. They ask the kind of questions that my anxious stressed out brain is having trouble processing.
You’re right, actually having a conversation sounds much more productive than making another list.
In my mid 20’s I was in such a loop of anxiety/stress/insomnia/perfection paralysis I triggered an autoimmune disease that has been actively wrecking my shit for over a decade. Even with the disease mostly managed, I’ll never be able to live a “normal” life and right now I’m fighting kidney failure. I’m only 36. Your sort of stress is no joke –even if you think you can handle it– and it can have severe long term consequences and it’s not as rare as we’d all like to think. PLEASE do everything you can do address it in a meaningful way. You can find another job if you get fired. You can live with temporarily disappointing people or yourself. You cannot go back to being a normal healthy person once your body permanently decides to rebel against your stress by attacking you from the inside. Is whatever pressure you’re under right now worth sacrificing your health for the rest of your life? Will humanity be greatly affected if you finish 50% of your work on time rather than 80%? I’m sure what you do is important, but is what you’re doing right this very moment important enough your ability to sacrifice your ability to walk without pain, or make your own reproductive choices, or live without constant medical supervision?
Lecture aside, I do have some practical advice:
Get a packet of crystallized ginger or ginger chews (has to be real ginger) and pop one whenever you start feeling upset in your stomach . Ginger is excellent for nausea so you get the physical help, but also you can use it as a sort of psychological touchstone of just doing something concrete and definable to help you in your moment of need. It helps me feel like I’m doing something, and, because I like ginger, does extra duty as a bit of easy self-care.
Secondly, imagine you’re a baker.
A customer has just ordered a particular loaf from you. The only problem is this loaf takes three hours to make perfectly and they want it in two. It is not a moral failure that the bread takes three hours; it’s just the nature of the loaf. There are a couple things you can do –make the client wait, bake a different bread or shave off an hour of rising time in the original loaf leaving it acceptable but not ideal– but the one thing you must do is abandon the idea of making a three-hour loaf in 120 minutes because the laws of physics don’t change just because we really, really want them to. Removing the pressure of an impossible ideal –even if you really WANT it to be possible and secretly think it SHOULD be possible– can sometimes give you a little space to get some perspective about what’s really at stake here. Time will pass. People will be born, fall in love, argue at the dinner table and die, birds will build nests in the spring and the sun will rise in the east whether you accomplish 50% or 100% of what you want to do in the next fortnight.
Sorry this is rambling, but I feel so strongly and if I can help steer anyone –ESPECIALLY a Toastie– away from the path I went down, then maybe this bullshit disease won’t be entirely in vain.
Thank you for saying this, and I’m sorry that anxiety and stress have affected your health to this degree. You’re right: this level of stress isn’t sustainable, and it isn’t a life-or-death situation (or even close) whether I get 50 or 80% of this stuff done.
I’m in academia, which generally encourages and rewards this kind of unhealthy behavior. Mostly I can stay away from the worst of it, but sometimes — end of semesters — it catches up in an ugly, physical way.
Your advice is really generous and kind, and I’m going to try to take a few steps back this weekend and put things into perspective, even if that means not doing a few things. Or doing them less “perfectly.”
Thank you, kind Toastie stranger-friend!
I am job hunting and I have not done this for a decade, and the first time was really easy, and this time is really hard.
First I sent a round off that got lots of response! Interviews for days! And then EVERY ONE of those people turned me down for being “overqualified”. Why did you interview me if you thought I was overqualified? My experience is right there on my resume and cover letter! It was not a surprise discovery you could only have known about by talking to me in person!
Now I’m adjusting and trying for jobs that seem way too big for me. “Senior copywriter” – I am still but a babe in arms, how can I be a senior anything? Imposter syndrome has me by the throat because I worked for 8 years under my own company, which naturally doesn’t count because nothing I built could ever be taken seriously.
Waiting to hear back from higher-level positions is, naturally, taking much longer than mid-level ones, and I hate it so much. I need a job and I would like very much to work with some of these people and why is everything so hard.
In good news, my partner has a job now, after being unemployed for nearly 3 years, so we can at least make rent. Barely. But still.
Going by some of the bullshit-merchant copywriters I work with, if you’ve got 8 years experience you are more than qualified for a Senior Copywritier; Go forth and claim your position!
I … have 15 years of experience. Because my mother is a marketing director and got me rewriting white papers for her company when I was 16. (BUT THAT DOESN’T COUNT RIGHT? Even though they paid me to do individual contract work for the next 6 years? still doesn’t count, because nepotism and guilt, I guess.)
STILL COUNTS
Umm THAT TOTALLY COUNTS.
USE IT!
You definitely deserve a Senior position, don’t let anything tell you differently.
Thank you. I needed to hear that because in my head the reason I haven’t heard back from any of the senior positions IMMEDIATELY is that I am a fraud and they are laughing at my silly resume.
That is definitely not what they are doing!
Seriously though, the current Head of Copy in my agency wasn’t even a copywriter until a few years ago; tell them how much experience you have and don’t low-ball yourself.
Good luck and I hope you find the most amazing perfect job!
(I have a real bad case of imposter syndrome and lack of self confidence, but I believe in the ‘fake it till you make it’ school of career progression, so any time I have a doubt about my competency I just stomp on it until it goes away.)
This is a good philosophy and I shall endeavor to take it for mine own.
SECONDING THIS
i’m a copywriter (not a junior, not yet a senior) and i have 5 years. with 15, my place of work might even have you at ACD-Copywriter status.
TOTALLY COUNTS
this 100% counts. (if it helps to think of it this way: a man would not hesitate to claim this as relevant experience.) You should be upfront about contract work vs employee, but it totally counts.
If you decide to go freelance let me know (hlsegg at hot mail dot etc.). I am washing out but can at least connect you with some potentially useful resources. Fingers crossed for a job, though, since you’re super-qualified!
“Overqualified” is not about you. It means “We pay as little as possible and we are certain you would leave us quickly for better pay because you can.”
This comforts me greatly.
And also, apart from compensation, “we think you’d be bored in this position and would leave, and we need someone who we are sure will stay in this one for a while.”
Yes. I have had hiring managers say these exact words to me.
just dittoing in here! “you’ll leave me in 4 months & i need someone for the next 2 years.” three months later, they called to offer me a senior level job (that I never would’ve applied for feeling underqualified). If you made a good impression with these companies, many might get in touch should something more senior open! Sometimes they call you in just to get to know your face & temperament.
agreed. Today I interviewed a guy who is applying for a position that is the same level I have. He has at least 5 years experience in our field. The job description requires 2-4. I have worked at this company for 4 years and have no previous experience in the field. He is almost certainly overqualified for the job he interviewed for. I am hoping that we hire him and that we promote him quickly enough that he does not leave for something else, but I do worry that he will be bored/unsatisfied. I am not the final arbiter on hiring decisions, so I don’t get to say, but I also think there is something to be said for letting him make that decision rather than making it for him.
Early Cocktail Hour caught me off guard and makes me wish I had an ACTUAL cocktail and wasn’t in the library…
Foodie thread?
I’ve reached the party-planning stage of procrastination this week, so what are your staples for entertaining small crowds?
There will be about a dozen people coming to my little flat on the 18th, which is the last day of term and our first uni coursework deadline of the year. I’m making mulled wine with the spices I bought in Denmark, and maybe some kind of cake. Don’t want to do a full on dinner but we need savouries!
Breadsticks and hummus, or carrots and hummus. Basically anything that can be served from one main dish and dipped in stuff.
dips, veggie plate, cheese plate! I like this brussel sprout dip: http://minimalistbaker.com/creamy-brussels-sprout…
I just made it for friends and everyone loved it (tho I would double it for that many people, and I actually roasted the brussels because I like the more burnt flavor)
That actually sounds so good – and reminds me of the (slightly burnt) broccoli salad I make…
I LOVE planning party food! It’s my favorite part of parties and I have gotten pretty good at putting out a fancy looking spread that’s really not a terrible amount of work.
It sounds silly, but Chex Mix. I make mine fairly simply with just corn chex, rice chex, and maybe pretzels (usually not). (In my experience most people ignore the peanuts and many people similarly ignore the pretzels.) I up the spices in the original recipe to taste (and I use lots more butter/Worcestershire sauce) so it’s nice and bold. Then, I put it out in a large, fancy bowl and put dark chocolate M&Ms in a martini glass and dried cherries in another with little spoons in them so folks can make a sweet and savory mix, if they so desire.
One party I took a bunch of cheese ravioli (mini frozen ones I’d boiled up), skewered them and served them next to a big bowl of pesto sauce on a chip/dip platter. I also had caprese salad skewers on the same platter (baby tomato, baby mozzerella, basil leaf, and an olive) that could also be drizzled with pesto. Super easy, looks crazy fancy, and genuinely delicious.
Other, general tips: olives, almonds, and other lighter savory snacks served in fancy martini or margarita glasses are always nice and encourage general munching. Baked brie with a chutney or jam is easy and crazy fancy looking. Similarly, smoked salmon topped with dill and capers served with Good crackers and maybe a little bowl of creme freche is also a nice showstopper. If you feel up to building them, I love cucumber sandwiches. Just slice a baguette, top with a thin layer of cream cheese, add a cucumber slice, and salt. Similarly radish sandwiches are lovely, just use butter instead of cream cheese.
Yay for parties!
Hey, Cinderella! (sorry)
This is excellent advice, thank you!! Think I’ll definitely be trying some of these. I make great cheese biscuits that require no effort and I’ll get someone to pick up nice bread from the bakery around the corner. Everyone will be so tired/relieved that I reckon the mulled wine will be their focus and everything else will be a bonus… I need to get my domestic goddess on and clean the damn kitchen (also finish all my papers oh yeah that thing)
Deviled eggs. People LOVE deviled eggs, unless they are vegans.
Deviled eggs are the best appetizer. They are actually of the devil because there’s gotta be black magic behind making something taste so good with just like… basic-ass condiments, you know?
…What are devilled eggs?
Hard boil eggs (not too fresh), just till done. Cool, peel off shells. Cut in half long way. Scoop out yolks into a bowl. Add some mayo, fancy mustard, pickle brine, salt, chives if you have them, mix up to make yellow yolk mousse. Spoon mounds of the yolk into the halved white parts. Sprinkle with paprika. My MIL is a freakin genius at deviled eggs. Yum.
They’re stuffed hardboiled eggs, popular particularly in the US and most particularly in the American South. Take peeled hardboiled eggs, slice it down the meridian, remove the yolk, make a smooth savory filling using usually some combination of mayonnaise, mustard and pickle relish and pipe or spoon the filling back into the hollow of the egg. Typically you dust with paprika or chopped parsley. There are millions of variations, some of which are nothing more than mayo and mustard and others involve smoked salmon and roe, but they are, as a rule, the first thing to be devoured at any party where their presence has been observed.
If you’re in need of concrete recipes, Martha Stewart’s deviled eggs are a home run every time: http://www.marthastewart.com/1057174/deviled-eggs…
My three favorite quick-n-dirty savories are:
Marinated Olives Get whatever olives strike your fancy, these can be basic entry-level jobbers, and pour the brine into a little saucepan or microwavable bowl. Add a couple cloves of garlic, some big strips of lemon or orange peel (or bits of preserved lemon if you’re fancy and have some to hand) some bay and whatever whole herbs or spices might seem nice. Pack your olives in a jar, pour the brine and a bit of olive oil over them, close the jar and forget it at least for a few hours.
Spiced Nuts Alton Brown’s recipe is serviceable with walnuts as well, but for extra bonus laziness I’ve had shocking success just toasting some whole almonds and putting them on a platter with one or two tiny bowls of flavored olive oil and one or two bowls of a sweet/savory dry spice mix (say mix up a spoon each of sugar and salt, plus a bit of Chinese five spice or Moroccan ras al hanout). I did this as an emergency appetizer once and people were shockingly into it. Plus it gives people something to do with their hands, which can be helpful at the beginning of parties.
Potato Chips with Caviar This is my favorite secret shame because it’s both laughably posh and trashy, which is the best possible combination of things. Get some creme fraiche/sour cream (add a squeeze of lemon)/Mexican crema, dump in a bowl with some chopped up chives and maybe some chopped up hardboiled egg. Throw a big spoon of cheap black roe on top and serve with potato chips (ideally ones fried in lard if you can find them). SO ridiculous and so delightful.
YES CAVIAR! Maybe I’ll so the swedish thing and buy a squeezy tube (because THAT is a thing)
Also lard chips have been missing from my life
Spiced/roasted nuts are getting lots of votes
Toasties! A few days ago I had a dream that Chris Pratt* started kissing me, which I was totally into, but then he stopped because he was concerned about gossip that I was involved with Troy Aikman. And I thought to myself in the dream: I really gotta start googling my own name so I can keep up with this stuff.
What celebrity-kissing dreams have you had lately?
*To clarify, this was shlubby-Parks-and-Rec Chris Pratt. Not ripped-Starlord Chris Pratt.
I’m somewhere under the vaguely demisexual umbrella, so I’ve only ever in my life had two kissing dreams about celebrities:
One was about Topanga Lawrence from Boy Meets World.
The other was Peter Lorre.
. . . I feel like this explains everything about me, but I have no idea what it says.
I had a dream I kissed Mallory. Does that count?
I once had a dream that I had made a really well-received full-building art installation, and during the reception, I snuck into a back nook with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson — who was my best friend’s husband!
I woke up SO ASHAMED of myself that I immediately texted her. Good friend that she is, she forgave me.
Not a kissing dream, but I had a dream that I was at a buffet with Nathan Fillion and Kanye West was behind us in line. They were both very pleasant, but short. We were talking about how pretty Kim Kardashian is and how happy she must be to have had her baby since she had such a tough time. So, yeah. I have no strong feelings about these 3 celebrities. But there it is.
Yesterday I was dreaming, and someone had been kind of a jerk to me, and then walked away, and then Chris Evans showed up, took off his aviators and sat down in such a way that I could lean against his magnificent chest. I had also apparently hurt his feelings by denying that we were in a relationship, because I was trying not to misconstrue previous “watching movies and snuggling” sessions.
And then my alarm went off.
I recently dreamed I kissed Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hiddleston, one after the other, and while I’m not obsessive about either one of them I do find them both attractive, so it was a quite lovely dream.
Mr. BHam has decided to retake the bar in July, which gives him lots of time to study. He also had a job interview yesterday for an all right position and has one on Monday for a kick-ass position. Feel free to send good thoughts/vibes his way.
Thoughts and vibes sent. How exciting!
A couple positive things:
– I loved reading about all your collections in yesterday’s Link Roundup. If I had infinite resource, I would send each one of you a couple things to add to your troves, because they all sound amazing.
– Today I am wearing a flannel shirt dress, made for me with love by my mother and received in the mail yesterday. Guys, it has pockets.
What is making you feel warm and fuzzy today, Toasties? And if you didn’t get to share yesterday, what do/did you collect?
That dress sounds amazing and like everything I could ever want. Pockets! Flannel shirt dress?!!! Yes!
That dress sounds heavenly!
A cashmere scarf from Uniqlo! Only $40 and soooo soft. Also wearing a Merino Wool sweater from them and it’s one of the first wool sweaters I’ve bought that isn’t itchy. I think it’s my new fave store.
I got a Uniqlo sweater for cheap from the men’s section on a whim– it’s so comfy and the perfect amount of warm. Great place, really!
A pocketed flannel shirtdress sounds amazing and perfect. Your mother is a wonderful lady and she must love you very, very much!
I got a bonus at work, and decided to spend some of it on fleece sheets and new fleecy pajamas. I’m so cozy I will never voluntarily leave the house again.
(I can’t wear the pajamas IN the bed, though, because the resulting static electricity would probably destroy my house).
I finished Jessica Jones and The Girl on The Train at the same time, and I highly recommend it, because I read one of the male characters in Kilgrave’s voice the whole time and it really heightened the reading experience. Although I don’t know how much I recommend it, because now I need to watch many many episodes of GBBO now to de-stress from both of those fictional experiences.
Oooof, that sounds like a lot of abuse and toxic masculinity in a short time. GBBO would be the perfect antidote!
After a couple of months of being responsible with my money and not doing a whole lot of unnecessary shopping (well, a lot less than I usually do) I now have the strong urge to BUY ALL THE THINGS.
Sephora sent me a $20 off coupon, so I bought the Naked 2 palette yesterday (I have enough eyeshadow to last for several years and my mom is getting me 2 other palettes for Christmas but I wanted it). I got a mini Versace perfume as a gift with purchase and now I want to buy THAT too. Also, all the skincare products. Clinique jacked up the price of my favourite lotion by $11 but that’s still not enough to knock it off my wishlist. I’,m keeping my next paycheque for our Christmas vacation (we’re leaving on the 20th!) but I have the feeling that when I get back there will be a bloodbath on my credit card.
*sits on hands*
I spent about £300 last weekend. Just cause.
I feel guilty about it now, but it felt glorious at the time! I bought myself the perfect Business Lady Camel Coat in Hobbs, and it was £100 off! £100!!!!! (It was still out of my budget, but fuck it I wanted it.)
I also bought another coat online last week that arrived 2 days after the Hobbs purchase, and I don’t even like it that much but I can’t be bothered returning it and now I feel like a spoilt brat.
I HAD to get myself a Christmas present, and then my birthday is in January, so I have two months where I can sort of justify buying All The Things. I just bought two Cross pens (buy one, get one; how could any right-minded person pass that up?) and for next month’s Spree I want a new lamp and some new bowls, because I collect bowls and if I collect bowls, it follows that I have to buy them. Logical all around. No need to feel guilt if there is logic. I’m pretty sure.
Hmm. Are you me?
I’ve been on a super-strict budget for about 2 months, because I had to spend $800 to fix my car so that I could continue to have a job. Super fun!
I think it’s the consumerist holiday spirit that’s got hold of you. People pretend it’s about giving, but most ads are just geared at people wanting to buy things, any things, ALL the things! So many commercials! So many pretty gift baskets and good deals! I had myself convinced last week that I needed a Wii-U because of a holiday bundle deal. Had to talk myself down because a new game console is not exactly a priority now.
Take a deep breath, think about what you really truly want to spend money on (vacation!), and it should pass.
Uggghhhh I’m going to Sephora with my $15 off coupon today. I am afraid of what I’ll do.
SCA is going ok? I’m learning heavy weapons and rapier for like the next month until I decide that I can’t afford full armor and go for rapier. Also, one very nice gentleman let me hit him repeatedly.
In good news, I’m no longer throwing up before I leave for events because of anxiety. I KEEP IT IN LIKE A NORMAL PERSON and let free floating anxiety take me away on a cloud of everything is terrible.
I’m bummed about a man I gave a second chance lol typing that out I SEE WHERE I WENT WRONG
also, beyoncepadthai is just all my favorite things at once
Yes, A+ user name and life goals
Here for you. As a (mostly) straight woman, I want so badly to believe they’re not all garbage, but the data does not correlate. I’m about to jump ship on my current consort because I have caught Feelings, and circumstances do not support them, so self-preservation ahoy!
My tiny janky-ass rowboat is here for you if you decide to jump ship. I’m in the same situation, which really fucking sucks at the holidays.
Aww. Raconte?
I am so excited for The Expanse to officially start next week! I watched the YouTube premiere of episode 1 and really enjoyed it, but it’s hard to gauge how easy it will be for people who didn’t read the books to follow it.
What’s been really bugging me, though, is that I keep reading all these reviews who are knocking it because they think the casting is off… but it’s not? I mean, there is always subjectivity in that matter, but it’s like… everyone seems to have come up with the same headcanons (Jim is older, Naomi looks Japanese, Amos is black) and is mad that the actors don’t look like that. But in fact, the book specifically says that Jim is 30, Naomi has brown skin and curly hair, and Amos is white. And while I certainly wouldn’t mind if they changed it up to make the cast more diverse and I wouldn’t have even cared if they didn’t match the books, but it is baffling to me that everyone seems to have the same not-supported-in-the-text ideas of what the characters look like and are upset with the authors and showrunners about casting when the casting is pretty bang on.
I don’t know why it’s bothering me so much, aside from the general feeling of “someone is wrong on the internet” and wanting the show to do well because I really like the books, but I listened to a podcast review about it yesterday and was just so mad that they were Getting Stuff Wrong!
I liked the casting and enjoyed the first ep. I still have yet to read the books but have heard good things so I should do that. Here’s hoping it’s another BSG-quality level series for scifi.
I will confess to being a little taken aback at first by the casting for Holden and Miller, but upon reflection feel like maybe I got sucked into the characters’ headcanons about themselves, despite knowing they’re unreliable narrators? Like, Miller’s secret version of himself is a noir detective, so I pictured him as more of a rumpled Sam Spade type, and Holden thinks of himself as far more of a grizzled veteran than he really is when in fact he’s kind of a baby-faced idealist.
Super excited about it either way.
For fans of the sci-fi book and/or movie Dune and baking here is a delightful recipe for a sand worm spice stuffed bread that looks utterly delightful! And I’m going to try to bake it and I will let you know how it goes. (the picture is from the website)
http://kitchenoverlord.com/2015/12/03/dune-week-s…
This is amazing!
That is fucking amazing.
Best baking project, ever.
SHAI HULUD. I am totally making this for Christmas morning.
I survived my hysterectomy! Thanks, Toasties, for the well-wishes. I wrote about it in detail on my LJ if you feel like hearing about all the things that went wrong (and a few of the things that didn’t). Highlights: I wound up in ICU thanks to a bad reaction to anaesthesia, and it turns out I had only one of my two fallopian tubes clipped from the tubal I had done in 2004. GOOD TIMES.
Not sure how long I’m going to be online (might be hours, might be just a few minutes). My energy and pain tolerance levels rise and fall with no pattern. I’m intolerant to opiates, so I’m surviving with ibuprofen and …other things. It’s impossible to do anything because I’m never sure when my body is going to announce Sleep Time and I’m taking all of that I can get. I understand now why my surgeon refused to clear me for part time work from home during the first week of recovery.
To the person who asked “is that a tribble?” regarding the reaction gif I posted in last week’s OT: I couldn’t find the comment thread to respond, but yes. Yes, that is a tribble. You really need to see Star Trek the Animated Series if you haven’t yet.
Kisses to all of you!
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF WE LOVE YOU
So happy to her your through safe and sound! Take your time with recovering and we’ll all be here when you’re ready to come back!
Take care of yourself, hope you feel better soon!
Oh, yay!!! Continued wishes for good health, o gif queen!
(Gentle, post-surgery appropriate) hugs to you!
Wonderful to hear from you, and I’m glad you’ve weathered what sounds like a bit of a shitstorm. Rest up, heal, we’re thinking of you!
Everyone is correct: be gentle with yourself. Listen to your body. I know you’re good at that. ::Toasthugs::
So glad you are through it and up and about (kind of) even if it wasn’t entirely as planned.
Wow, it sounds like you had a great surgeon and it was no fun at all–I am glad you’re on the other side of it all (not half as glad as you, I’m sure…). Recover quickly! Sending warmest thoughts.
Jumping threads, but congrats on your poop and sending you wishes for a speedy recovery!
So glad that you’re recovering! Be gentle and kind to yourself as you heal, we all love you!
Many very gentle internet hugs to you! I’m so glad everything turned out ok, that sounds very scary. Hope your sleep is incredibly restful and your recovery time is short.
Feel better soon! Went through one this summer, it gets better love. xx
Big, gentle hugs!
Please help me with a mystery story problem!
Has anyone read a story, set in London after WWII, about a young man with PTSD from the war who is accused of murdering his only relative, an autocratic, quick-tempered old spinster who lives with a companion in a house full of highly valued antiques? The aunt and nephew have a fight over dinner, he leaves angrily and goes home, and the next day she’s found murdered and he’s arrested. His wife goes to the sleuth for help and he agrees to detect because the wife is so nice. And the murder weapon ends up going out in the post. And there’s a scene where Nephew threatens to break Aunt’s fruit bowl, but doesn’t.
I can remember everything about this story (including the murderer’s identity) except the author and the detective! Help! Thanks!
No, but I’d really like to read it now if you find out what it is!
I think I’ve found it: a Margery Allingham Campion story called “One Morning They’ll Hang Him.”
I sort of wish I could enter this in my reference stats.
Just finished a very scary exam, dignity intact. I think. I used every minute of those four hours and I’m pretty sure I passed (plz no jinx, universe). Demon: slayed.
The suspense! Will I actually finish my work this semester? Will I finally manage to catch up on my late stuff? Have I actually developed a phobia of reading yet?? Now, Santa, listen, aaalllll I want for Christmas is to be back on track, and I’ve been such a good little impostor syndrome…
Just chiming in to say that I recently learned Weird Al goes to church with my sister and now all I want in life is a Weird Al parody hymn album.
A+, would buy.
Supersizers Go is the best. Have other people seen Giles and Sue Live the Good Life? They interact with livestock, and it’s wonderful.
I feel like the Toast has been killing it in terms of interesting post content + lots of comments this week, and I keep not having time to read and comment, which is annoying. (And weird – I have had two days off work! How have I not had time to internet? I blame the time zone issues.)
I never internet when I am not at work anymore, it seems!
I’m looking at a new apartment this afternoon! Ideally it will be PERFECT and accept me and I will not have to look at a single other dwelling, ever, because apartment hunting is the worst.
Tostadas, I just want to say thank you so much for all your amazing support. Since I found I was pregnant back in May, you have been terrific cheerleaders, funk-validators, body-positive icons, resource suggestors, and tolerant smilers. I’m nearly at 35 weeks done, I’m incredibly sore and emotional pretty much 24/7, but I’ve been so grateful for the folks who have chimed in when I’ve asked for help.
I have no GIFs, no links, no offerings. Just: Thanks.
Harry Potter Re-read Club! Want to re-read Harry Potter and discuss it with toastie twitter and friends? A few of us were kicking this twitter-book-club idea around, and I want to make it happen. One book a month in 2016 and twitter discussion at the end of the month. The more the merrier! the tumblr linked there will post reminders.
This might be just the thing I needed to finally join twitter.
this sounds delightful and I apologize because I want the tumblr reminders but do not have a tumblr that isn’t a super pervy porn blog. So don’t be confused or alarmed by being followed by a weird kinky tumblr, it’s just a slightly embarrassed toastie 😛
haha no worries, but thanks for the “it’s not a spambot” heads up!
Yes pls!
Me.
Will also need to get a legit tumblr.
Yessss!
Ok this sounds great. I will do this.
YES. It has been so long since I re-read the Harry Potter books, and I’ve been intending to!
I am joining this! I have seen all the movies multiple times but only read the first book LAST MONTH. So I’m going to read all the books with you, but FOR THE FIRST TIME. I will try to lurk and not inject my TOTALLY NAIVE OPINIONS into everything.
OMG PERFECT. I’m so glad you’re up for joining us!
yay, glad so many folks are interested! If you don’t have tumblr you can follow it with an RSS reader, or just make yourself a calendar reminder for the last week of every month. Can’t wait to jump back into the books with y’all!
Into it!
Oh my one friend will be sooo happeee that I am going to finally get a tumblr set up because I will probably execute on the concept she keeps trying to push on me.
I’m a day late to the Open Thread, but this sounds like it will be awesome and I am following that tumblr!
Oh, I have just finished re-reading them! Should have waited a couple of months, but I am sure all the things I want to nitpick about will still be fresh when you all yell about them
Hope you all had a good week!
Have you been to a White Elephant party? What was the best/worst gift?
Also! I am hosting a make-friends-in-a-new-place party tomorrow (thanks again for your encouragement!) and need an exceptional holiday cocktail that can be made in advance. Do you have a great recipe?
(I’ve made two “for practice” this week and both were kind of flops.)
No exact recipes, but sangria is my go-to make-ahead cocktail! Just add all the booze + fruit juice + fruit together and let it sit in your fridge for >1 hour (because boozy fruit is the best part about sangria). Then, provide guests with cups filled with ice and let them ladle their own servings! Have a great party!!
This cocktail was endorsed in Ann Friedman’s newsletter a couple weeks ago and it looks amazing: http://www.marthastewart.com/1095148/bourbon-cran…
Best: one of those fancy thermoses with the screw-on cup
Worst: a Chik-Fil-A wall calendar
favorite holiday cocktail: cranberry juice, gin, whole cranberries, fresh rosemary (+seltzer to cut the sweetness, if you like). looks & smells like a little christmas tree!
the best white elephant gift I’ve ever given was a book called Panda Facts full of false but aaaaaalmost plausible panda facts. best non-joke gift I’ve gotten in one of those is fancy tea.
My family had to stop doing white elephants because everyone gifted scratch-off lottery tickets. Because that’s what everyone wanted.
We had a work White Elephant this week and one of my co-workers got a Jersey Shore Trivia game. Glorious. (the non-joke ones included small bottles of nice booze and fancy chocolate. We had $15 limit).
I have one tomorrow! I haven’t bought my gift yet! Watching this thread for ideas…
Yes!! We had a white elephant exchange at the only fun work Christmas party I’ve ever been to, when I working at the ACLU years ago. (They were a very fun bunch. Plus, it’s the only one I’ve ever been to that had booze, which probably helped).
My boss got an amazing Incredible Hulk Talking Telephone, which was a phone with the Hulk on it and he said things when you pushed a button. I also managed to pawn off a decorative metal birdcage, which it turned out that my friend really liked. A win-win!
Best was a gem-covered flask, but other ones I’ve seen fought over were a soft throw from Target and Anthro mugs with local coffee.
Worst was a light-up Jesus lamp.
I once got a white elephant. As in a figurine of an elephant that is white. I only take it out as a Christmas decoration and I love it so much.
Last year I complained that White Elephant didn’t have christmas spirit and skipped the office party (on my first christmas working there). This year they said White Elephant is dumb and we just did secret santa. Pooped that party right out.
Also… all my coworkers were trying to decide what to have for christmas party dinner and one said “a big ham” and they all agreed and I said “ham is gross” and they all *vehemently* agreed so these people just never speak their minds.
What are you getting your dads for Christmas? I am out of ideas for mine. He’s already got enough military history books, grilling accoutrements, bicycle repair tools, maritime signal flags, etc.
Ugh yes dads are the WORST to buy presents for. I work for an academic publisher that specializes in my dad’s area of study, so I often default to super-niche work books, but that’s so BORING.
My dad really likes gift certificates to book stores. Then we can go to the store together to blow his money, and it’s kind of a dad date.
do the grilling accouterments include sturdy, simple salt and pepper shakers? i got my dad a set a couple years ago and he LOVES them.
Ooh, I don’t think he does have salt and pepper shakers! Great idea!
My parents are quite well off and have everything they need and more so we are going to adopt a row of grape vines in Italy for them. It’s kind of a pain in the butt, but really they are so difficult to shop for!
Seconding, I give them donations-in-their name for just about everything (except their birthdays). Kiva, local food banks, Green Belt Movement, GreaterGood, and so on.
my entire family has completely given up on ever buying my father gifts he will like. It’s just impossible.
Gift cards don’t even work very well because one of his favourite hobbies is spending days or weeks researching the best possible price he can get a thing for and so he never consistently shops from the same places.
Seriously considering socks.
John Fogerty’s new memoir that just came out, titled Fortunate Son. AKA the most Dad present ever.
I always send my parents food and wine these days because their enormous house is already full of enough *stuff*. Food is not forever, unlike the bazillionth piece of nautical scrimshaw or teak-inlaid humidor which I will surely inherit one day.
This year I am sending a selection of regional cheeses from the “things made in my state” store.
Seconding the gift of food and wine
Big-ass roaster pan. Literally all he wanted.
My dad is getting Dennis Mersereau’s Extreme Weather book, and some gift cards.
why is weather such a Dad Thing? mine is reading various blogs on WUnderground whenever he isn’t watching The Weather Channel
the only problem is i got him a combination barometer/thermometer for christmas LAST year!
I got my dad a FitBit and then felt completely justified after we recently had this conversation
Dad: I’ve started walking around the neighborhood every night. It’s a good 2 or 3000 steps
Me: How do you count that?
Dad: i just count it in my head
The Hamilton biography plus a mix CD. For years now, he’s given me a playlist of songs for a CD, and I make it for him. Dad is not a big technology fan, so this arrangement works well.
Here’s what I do with my dad: I tell him to go to his favourite store in town (Canadian Tire) and take pictures of the things he wants (with prices and product labels in the picture). Then I go to Canadian Tire and buy some of those things. This system preserves the surprise on Christmas day, but still means I can get him something he wants and will use.
My dad asked for a shoe shine kit, jokingly, I think. So I got him the nicest damn shoe shine kit I could find. Cedar box, all the the fancy brushes and soaps and stuff I didn’t even know existed. It’s so glam and I feel victorious.
Oh, also, just thought of this, not sure how old your dad is, but if he likes wine and occasionally has a tough time opening bottles – my grandparents and parents all have varying degrees of arthritis in their hands, but they all enjoy drinking wine – electric wine bottle openers are A Thing and they are wonderful. My grandma has thanked me more for the electric wine opener than for any other gift I’ve given her in the 2 decades I’ve been giving her gifts. She actually texted me once (she is 87 and doesn’t have much truck with cellphones most of the time): “protocoach just testing the talking text thing on my iPhone and wanted to say thanks for the wine bottle opener grandpa and I are drinking a merlot how do you get a. Oh thats how” and it was the most grandparent-moment possible and it made me very happy.
I got him a gardening calendar (what to plant in what month), and am going to look into getting some kind of fancy seafood shipped to him (like oysters or scallops or something). He has simple interests.
I asked my dad what he wanted and he said unfrosted blueberry Pop-Tarts. Apparently his local grocery store started only stocking the frosted kind, which he hates. Am seriously considering buying a large case and having it shipped to his house? I think this is an incredibly weird gift request, but it IS what he wants, so…
I got my dad Pop Tarts for Father’s Day. They brought his favorite flavor back for some kind of anniversary and then stopped selling them in the store so my mom sent me an Amazon link to a box and told me he’d like that for Father’s Day. So that’s what he got. I say go for it.
I got mine a huge scratch-off map – it’s like a lottery ticket and I suspect it’ll be very satisfying to play with!
My stepdad is bald and wears caps all the time to stay warm, so I knit him a hat almost every Christmas. He appreciates it, and I don’t feel like I’m contributing to the Giants Piles of Crap that my siblings and I will someday have to deal with.
My mom, on the other hand….ugh.
I am giving my dad the gift of going shopping with him TWICE. This is an extremely generous and noble gift, because he is really, really annoying to shop with, in the manner of all dads.
Also, like two weeks ago he somehow (Antiques Roadshow, maybe?) discovered West German art pottery of the 1970s and fell in love with it, and now every time I go to his office (we work in the same building) he has a bunch of Etsy pages to show me and we argue about which ones are prettiest, so I may actually buy him a West German art vase as well.
A mushroom hunting book and probably the ratcheting tie downs on his amazon wish list, because dads
Food. Always. Either a GC to a restaurant, or food of the month club, or The It Thing In Food This Year, or occasionally something homemade. There’s no crap to clutter up the house, he’s happy, we’re all happy.
This year, it so magically conspired to happen that I just made my dad his own profile on my Netflix account so that he could stream things without having to pay for the service, & my mom tells me it has made his year. I have succeeded in gifting the least expensive present to my dad ever! $0 (discounting the monthly fee I was already paying lol) what is UP.
WHY HAVE I NEVER THOUGHT OF ADDING MY PARENTS TO MY NETFLIX?!? Thank you! Christmas is complete.
I have a really awkward, often painful relationship with mine. But he digs American history. I think there’s a non-negligible chance he’d enjoy the Hamilton cast album, and it is unlikely he’ll have heard it already.
I have procured gift certificates for woodworking classes in the past, but he is pretty resistant to leaving the house and did not use them.
My mom is way easier to find stuff for: newly released choral music = Happy Mama. (Bonus if there are awesome alto parts and she can sing along in the car.) Alternatively, tickets to vocal ensemble concerts.
I think probably Trader Joe’s snacks and some of their fancy chocolates. And maybe tickets to the local art house movie theater.
friends! i am giving a big presentation today on the last day of a fellowship at a great non-profit. it also mildly feels like a non-interview for a full-time job, which i will most certainly be needing shortly. would appreciate all competent and charming vibes you can fling my way!
I am working on a playlist for a holiday party. Playlist has to suit the taste of olderish people, hipsters, people who hate Christmas for social justicey reasons, people who hate Christmas because they’re too cool, and people who love 90s pop music. Doesn’t necessarily have to be holidays-themed, but that’s a plus! Suggestions? (Playlist currently has a bunch of Sharon Jones, Otis Redding’s Christmas songs, Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas, and a few hipster band holiday songs.)
the Barenaked Ladies’ holiday album is delightfully tongue-in-cheek.
Do you have The Cowboy’s Christmas Ball on there yet?
This album (which I found randomly on Spotify while trying to build my own list) has a nice mix of traditional Christmas songs, 90s pop (98 Degrees! Hanson!) and some soul/Motown Christmas songs: https://open.spotify.com/album/27mAQXsUg3xj7V0hS8…
From my own hipstery/slightly cynical Christmas playlist: “Just Like Christmas” by Low, “The Christmas Song” by the Raveonettes, and “Another Christmas At Home” by Eux Autres.
The Rebel Jesus is a song that would probably go over well with the social justice types, and possibly the hipsters.
The Killers have some great Xmas songs, and It’s Christmas (What’s the Difference) by The Films is probs a good choice for the Christmas-embittered. Also!!! CINDI LAUPER just released a cover of DOLLYL PARTON’S Hard Candy Christmas today!
Help! I need some ideas for activities that can be done while someone’s dominant shoulder and arm is immobilized for several months. I would be perfectly happy reading for that entire time but it’s my dad and he’s just not a reader. So far I’ve gotten him Netflix and a couple puzzle books but I’m stumped.
Does he have a smart phone? I’m thinking about games that can be played with one hand, like 2048 or Words with Friends. I’m not super gamey though, so maybe folks have better suggestions.
He still has a flip phone but I bet he would love if I loaned him my tablet, that’s a great idea!
Coloring? I just saw some math-themed coloring books on Amazon, but they’ve got them for just about any interest. One assumes dexterity would improve sufficient for coloring?
Would your dad enjoy audio books? My own dad is a very. slow. reader. and so does not read for pleasure, but he does enjoy audio books when he travels with my mom on long road trips.
This is not an activity but does he have the tools he needs to remain somewhat independent during that time? Like does he need something to help wash up in the shower or open jars or anything he’d do on a daily basis? Because recreation is great but independence is very sweet indeed when you are partially immobilized like that!
I’m down one non-dominant hand- my doc suggested keeping up with lower body workouts, and even suggested salsa dancing- maybe some sort of active class he can do without both hands?
Blah, cranky. I’ve started to hate this time of the year. Too many expectations that are all gendered and shit about buying gifts and keeping in contact with family and knowing how to interact with the virtual strangers who are my in-laws. I’m not doing any of it, I don’t give a crap about what my mother-in-law thinks anymore. I’m not even getting a tree. I married a total holiday grinch and after 10 years I’m done trying to be festive all alone.
Some of this has to do with the terrible state in which I currently reside (I really really hate it here, but we’re stuck for now), some of it is just the usual SAD, some of it is loneliness since MrKat’s job is essentially 24/7 and has been for a year now, and some of it is because I am currently hangry as fuck but petulantly don’t want to eat anything, because for whatever reason my digestive issues have suddenly resurfaced after six blissful months of near-normalcy and I’ve been nauseated for two days now and nothing I eat is going to make me feel better.
Probably PMS, too. I miss living where I had friends. This place I’m in now is a very bad fit, and I am talking to my dogs entirely too much.
I have little to offer except internet hugs. I’m in a similar boat — moved to Silicon Valley to be with my partner, don’t know anyone, don’t understand how to be festive without snow or friends or Christmasy events to attend (and my partner and his whole family are very indifferent to holidays). I’m going home to see my parents in 4 days and I’m so excited I can hardly stand it.
I once refused to come to Christmas celebrations (I was 18 at the time). My grandmother called me and kept trying to bully/guilt me into it. But I just said no and I eventually had to hang up on her.
My uncle was going to be there, and he was really cruel to me and basically wrecked my mental stability from about 16-25 by telling me that my (dead) mother would be really disappointed in me, etc., and I just had to refuse to see him. And I know my grandmother was more angry with me that day than any other day of my life. But I don’t regret it, because I knew going would make me a wreck.
Do what you have to do. If family loves you, they’ll forgive you. Actually, since they’re in-laws, maybe it doesn’t matter nearly as much. If they raised your holiday grinch, they should be used to it.
I haven’t hung out in an Open Thread in ages!
I am trying to decide right now if weaning myself off my antidepressant has fucked with my energy levels or not.
I’m having some tired days this week, but I also have been bad at going to bed on time and threw myself back into almost daily working out after taking two weeks off pretty much all the things.
Probably I am tired because I do things like be on my feet for 14 hours, including 30km on my bike and a hot yoga class and then eat 2 meals and sleep for 5 hours. But my brain is being all worried that my awesome productive energy in the last couple months is GONE FOREVER because I’m taking fewer drugs now.
Eeek! I weaned myself off anti-depressants this year, too. I kept my expectations for myself very very low (and no guilting myself for whatever I wasn’t doing) and tried to keep things simple, just work, video games, reading, and reminding myself that I can get back to doing All The Things after my body settles down. It seems to have worked!
Good luck!
So my boyfriend and I are spending a few nights in Boston before the holidays. I got some great recommendations about Asheville, last time I asked the Toasterati for travel tips, so I was wondering if y’all had any recommendations! My one thing I want to do for sure is take the boyfriend to the Isabella Stewart Gardner museum (synchronicity with the link round up!) but I don’t have much sense of things like where to eat, where to go out at night, etc. – tips about restaurants & bars or general neighborhoods with like, cute boutiques and record stores and stuff. We are actually going to be staying in Somerville – we got a room in a house through AirBnb – so recommendations of stuff near there or in Boston proper would be much appreciated!
Also, someone may have already mentioned this (trying to get my comment in before I had time to read all the comments) but Supersizers Go, both seasons, is on Hulu! (Also available illegally elsewhere, of course, but not such good quality.)
I hear Diamond City’s a pretty cool destination, as is Goodneighbor.
Gotta keep your iron strapped on in Goodneighbor though. Also, Sanctuary Hills is coming along pretty nicely if I do say so myself.
Well, somebody built some PRETTY DAMN IMPRESSIVE giant floating palaces in Sanctuary Hills, so it better be ticking along nicely.
buncha goddamn ingrates meh meh meh i got kidnapped meh
I BUILT YOU SKY PALACES COVERED IN MACHINE GUNS HOW ARE YOU BEING KIDNAPPED
Those raiders are pretty crafty.
Somerville is my former home! A few ideas for north of Boston proper:
in Union Square: Union Square Donuts, Hub Comics if you’re into that, Capone Foods for some seriously amazing Italian goodies, Backbar for pretentious and delicious speakeasy cocktails, Bloc 11 for a cafe in a converted bank vault, good Thai food at Sweet Ginger Thai.
Elsewhere, off the top of my head: Algiers Coffee House in Harvard Square for warm beverages (SO PRETTY, sit upstairs, the food is just OK), The Druid in Inman Sq for drinks and pub food, and Harvard Book Store is a classic. Clover in Harvard is a good place for a quick lunch. Plough & Stars for brunch in Central Sq. Porter Square has a kind of little mall full of awesome ramen places that is fun, but can be crowded. Oona’s in Harvard Square for vintage clothes. Davis Square is fun to wander around, it has a bunch of cute little stores and cafes, as well as my favorite Goodwill!
My favorite nice restaurant in Cambridge/Somerville is Oleana, which has divinely inspired Mediterranean/middle-eastern style food and is vegetarian friendly, if that’s relevant! The chef, Ana Sortun, recently opened another restaurant in Somerville, called Sarma, that’s supposed to be amazing too.
Ahhh, now I’m nostalgic as all hell.
Sarma is fantaaaaaastic. Best restaurant meal I had in 2015, by a mile. You have to get reservations practically months in advance, though, for that and for Oleana.
And if you’re in Harvard Square, go to Black Ink (my former workplace, it is the best) and Follow the Honey! Follow the Honey is a store about BEES AND HONEY and it’s MAGICAL and AMAZING and CUTE!!!
Somerville is the best. You might try getting tickets to The Slutcracker (if that’s your jam), or checking out The Donkey Show in Harvard Square. Plus, here, have a list of all my favorite Camberville Things:
Brunch: Brookline Lunch or Veggie Galaxy in Central Square, Johnny D’s in Davis Square (ugh, they’re closing soon, I’m so sad).
Cocktails: Saloon in Davis Square, Trina’s in Inman Square, Green Street in Central Square, Russell House in Harvard Square.
Not-so-fancy dinner: Trina’s in Inman Square, Punjabi Dhaba (also in Inman Square), Ebi Sushi in Union Square, All Star Sandwich Bar in Inman Square
Fancy Dinner: Puritan or Bergamot, both in Inman Square (Puritan has a hardly-publicized dollar oyster night on Tuesdays)
Have fun!
I live in Somerville! Lots of good stuff.
Union square is fun to wander, lots of good shops and things. Eat at Bronwyn, it’s probably my favorite restaurant in the city. (I’m a vegetarian so all the restaurant recs I’ll give are veg friendly.) The spaetzle is always amazing, as is the cheese spread on the appetizers list.
Davis Square is where I live, and worth a visit for more cute shops and expensive-but-tasty sandwiches at Diesel. If Diesel is packed, head across the square to Bar 9 Espresso, which has limited menu options but pulls a fine shot. Five Horses is great food– get the cornbread to start, and tots with your meal, and enjoy their phonebook of a beer menu.
Brunch– The Friendly Toast in Kendall is worth the wait, but if you’re too hangry to wait, head around the corner to Tatte. Eat there and buy a bunch of pastries to go.
If you like museums, Harvard’s offerings are pretty good. Lots of good horrible taxidermy at the Natural History Museum, as well as things like isopods in jars and giant crystal specimens.
Enjoy your stay!!
Ooooh. The Isabella Stewart Gardner museum is amazing! The MFA is also nearby if you’re not totally saturated by art. Also in Boston near Copley Square in the Back Bay is the Boston Public Library which is magnificent and has a gorgeous reading room. Across the street is Trinity Church which has gorgeous stained glass windows and is apparently architecturally very important (the John Hancock tower across the street from it is clad in reflective glass to not impede the church’s beauty, I think).
Flour Bakery (they have several locations) on Mass Ave near Central Square (between the Charles River and Harvard) is great. They have possibly the best brownies I have ever eaten and really good sandwiches and bread (I like their chicken and jicama sandwich). Also in Central Square is Toscannini’s which has the best ice cream I think I have ever eaten. They do a lot of creative flavors and and their ice cream has a very rich, creamy texture. For more chocolate, L.A. Burdick (again, several locations) in Harvard Square has fantastic hot chocolate. And regular chocolates.
Have fun!
I highly recommend Island Creek Oyster House (in Kenmore Square) and the bar next door for a drink before or after. It’s hard to get reservations but if you show up right when they open at 6 or whenever, you can almost always get seated right away.
Coworker was making polite smalltalk, asking if I had any plans for the weekend. I said I was going to a holiday party tonight and he pointed at me, cut me off, and said “Christmas* party.” I can’t f-cking stand the entitlement. Bad enough the lack of inclusivity presented by people who sh-t on saying ‘happy holidays’– how the h-ll would he know what type of party it is? He is, thank God, not invited. I’m going to have a great, non-denominational time, thanks.
“I guess that’s why you’re not invited.”
I know, I know, you can’t antagonize a coworker. But we can dream.
My response was “…I mean, the host isn’t Christian, so no, not really!” in the most beatific voice I could manage coupled with that smile Joan Holloway uses when she wants to kill someone. My friend is actually a Protestant and its a tree-trimming party, but it was much more satisfying to see him go “oh” and slink off.
(Obviously, a tree-trimming party isn’t super non-denominational, but its just decorating her tree with ornaments made by friends who have a bunch of an no faiths, and more than half of us aren’t cishet, So Like.)
Lie: 100% justified to make that guy feel like the jerk he is.
That’s such ridiculousness especially considering it’s the middle of Hanukkah right now.
Chuck him into the sea.
Toasties, I need your stories of picking yourself up after a failure. I just arrived for my first semester of grad school at Dream University and immediately fell on my face. I was in a bad relationship that just kept on getting worse and worse, and the time I should have spent studying was spent on A Man. The good news is the relationship is over and the situation at school is definitely salvageable, but I need to rally before my reputation as a mediocre student solidifies. If you’ve ever been in a situation that was going downhill and you were able to turn it around, I’d love to hear about it as inspiration.
I’ve not been in a similar situation, but I’ve worked with student who have. I would, if you’re up for it, talk with the instructors for your classes. They don’t need the details, but something like “I didn’t perform to my expectations for myself because of personal reasons, I wanted to let you know I intend to turn things around next term,” etc. etc. because faculty talk about students and if you can avoid being seen as a lesser student, that’ll help them not treat you as such in other classes (it happens). Sorry you had such a rough time of things and best wishes for spring term!
I second this — being as honest as you’re comfortable being with your professors (even just the one that you have the best relationship with) can help a lot. Also, keep in mind that a lot of people struggle during their first semester of grad school for a variety of reasons, so even if you feel like you were performing significantly below your peers, it’s likely that there were other students in a similar boat. You are not defined by your first semester.
I want to do this, but I’m concerned that it’ll just draw more attention to my poor performance. It’s also complicated because my courses are co-taught by multiple professors. I was killing it for the first half of the semester, so I have a good reputation with those professors, and then I started to get behind on the reading, stopped participating in class, etc. I’m hoping I managed to make no impression on those professors, or they just believe I’m too shy to speak up in class. I don’t want to tell them I’ve been having personal problems if there’s a chance they didn’t really notice.
Being mediocre isn’t the worst thing really. I mean ideally you’ll improve as you go- but the degree is the same degree for the 4.00 GPA and the 2.75 GPA alike. I really fucked up a an academic program at the start, due to a breakup and there were a couple of times I wanted to throw in the towel but everyone was like, listen, just stagger through this and you’ll have the certificate, don’t mourn that it’s not an A+.
Also my professors were all like, don’t go backwards and try and re-do work, just really jump in on what’s next, so I’d also second that advice. Don’t torment yourself with dreams of how you are going to make up the old stuff, write it off and move forward. At the end of the class my professor told me my final project was great and “sophisticated” so it all worked out fine.
Lastly I don’t know what grad school you are in, but my number one recommendation to someone in an academic setting is learn some specific field software programs. It’s the best chance to get yourself a cheap license, get trained and then later on when everyone is a public health MA or a whatever else MA, you are that plus trained in SPSS or GIS or Dreamweaver or WHATEVER. Better to be a B student with some awesome software in your pocket than an A+ student with no additional hard skills to sell. So that’s what I’d say about how to pull up and get out of the slump. Stay focused on what comes after grad school, and why you are doing it and you’ll get through, even if it’s imperfectly.
Hello. Sorry to hear about the school situation and the bad relationship and relieved to hear you are away from the bad ex now. Hopefully this helps:
Late 2013-2014 was my worst year to date (unemployment, then going from no jobs to two jobs, while dealing with loneliness in a new city, family dysfunction, friend drama, and being utterly, recurrently broke to the point where my gas was turned off and I was surviving on like, 6 eggs and a packet of pasta per week) and somehow I did not curl up into a ball and wait for death the whole year.
(Mostly I wrote a lot of things and cut out every last unsupportive person from my life.)
I think these things helped. My life is by no means perfect (lmao) but I’m sitting in a nice office and I have invitations from friends to go out this weekend and a lovely person waiting for me at home. So.
Best wishes for a similar recovery. It’s hard and it could be an uphill climb but every problem has a solution. Unless you have a problem like war, terrorism, or whatever and you’re secretly Barack Obama. Can’t help you there. Good luck. We’re here for you.
Can we have a dating thread? I feel like we haven’t had one in awhile. Any terrible stories? Any great stories? And how is everyone navigating the holidays?
I’m going on a date in a bit, I hope it’s fun!
A guy I was kind of casually seeing just ended things with me by just not replying to my texts lol. I didn’t understand it because we seemed to be having a lot of fun together and literally it takes two seconds to text “sorry I’m just not into you”. So that made me feel great for a couple days, thanks you 30 year old baby.
Ugh, I hate that SO MUCH. I briefly dated a guy and told him on the first date how much I hated the fade, and he agreed. A month later he did it to me anyway!
ugh that’s that worst worst worst thing, I hate it so much. I hope you have fun on your date though!
That outrages me. What a chicken he must be, bleh.
Earlier this summer I met up a couple of times with this guy. The chemistry was incredible, but he did send weird vibes out after we went out the first time. (Said he had just gotten out of a big thing and didn’t want a serious relationship, thought about ending things with me because of that, I was like, DUDE CHILL. WE HAVE BEEN OUT ONCE.) Anyway, his dad died in September, so he (obviously) was incommuincado for a while, but I would send a text to check in every month. I texted him the other day and after he asked how I was, he said he was sorry and that I was “cool, and sexy and sweet, and so nice. I just had to shut my brain off for a while.” I kind of assumed that he was going to say that we shouldn’t talk anymore, but he actually said he wanted to make things up to me. So we’ll probably go out next week when he gets back from Chicago…we’ll see how it goes!
I’m still dating the same dude I’ve been dating for awhile that I thought was going to be a rebound but maybe isn’t? We both avoid bring up feelings or anything that could cause conflict so I have no idea what page he’s on. I’m good at having those conversations once they come up but I’ve never had to start them before. Plus the holidayconversations about gifts/new years. I don’t want to!
Terrible story- first date with a dude, we were chatting about travel, I mentioned I had recently been to Spain and had previously lived there. Dude replies with “Oh! Let me tell you all about Spain, they never go to work and drink and party all the time.” I was speechless. He proceeded to tell me about how terrible the Spanish are for what felt like forever. Turns out he had been on a two week city tour throughout Europe. Multiple levels of terrible right there. But now it’s funny to me.
Nooooooooo.
oh WOW
The only thing good about that story is that you learned these things on a first date. Thanks for the heads up, dude!
not a ~terrible~ story, but some dude I was dating who was sort of the first person in many many years to make me think we could be srs bznz ended things a month ago because he was planning on moving away from where we live in january and didn’t want to get too involved, posted a status yesterday about looking for apartments in……. the city we both live in! Cool bro! (I know he probably just didn’t want to be in a relationship, but ow.)
This article about making a facebook group of crushes is super cute and funny though. Crushes are great! Dating is meh! http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a50650/what-…
this is so cute haha
I went on a couple dates this month with a super cool lady and it is kind of the best thing. We went to a screening of Showgirls for a first date and then went to queer ladies night at the local sex club the next week. Wheee!
This night included a conversation where I assured her that I didn’t at all mind losing my place in line for the sybian rides to go and find a nook where she could smack me with things.
Tomorrow I’m going to her Hanukkah party. Because life is a rich tapestry.
A++ dating.
Great story- I met my partner through Coffee Meets Bagel (the only dating app I felt safe using) we started chatting but our schedules didn’t line up very well for in a date, so we planned one several weeks out. In the mean time I went on two dates with another guy who was nice enough but not someone I wanted to date. Second date with Nice But Not For Me was a wet and miserable hike. He was such a good sport! I felt bad for not being attracted to him and not liking him more. The next day was my afternoon date with now beloved. We stayed at the bar talking for five hours! And then went for gelato! Of course I had done some “social engineering” (Facebook research) and figured out that the two guys probably knew each other. Possibly awkward? On our third date my dude told me that they were not only friends from grad school, but had lived together for FOUR years. 😳 They had apparently figured out they were both talking to me before I went on a date with either of them.
That is amazing. My very similar friend and I were on the same dating site in the same city at the same time for awhile and we definitely both got messaged by several guys but I think we didn’t end up both going on dates with anyone.
So… Coffee Meets Bagel is worth a damn? I mean, your amazing story aside, you like the interface?
I’ve been trying CMB recently after a friend raved about it and I like it! I’ve been on two pretty-good dates from there.
I went on a date on Wednesday night, and it was terrrrrrible, and so, ten minutes of awkward chit-chat in, I stood up, shook his hand, and walked the fuck out of there. I felt mildly terrible about this, briefly, but then I wondered what Mallory Ortberg would do, and it was not ‘hover politely listening to A Man have opinions while being miserable’. And then I was OK.
(And now I feel kind of suffused with powerrrrrr. Like, one of the great joys of being a grownup is that if you don’t want to do something, you can just fucking leave. I feel like I suddenly have a superpower.)
Lovely.
MY HERO
HERO. I have been explicitly not dating for a little while cause I’m not down for the time commitment, but if I trusted myself to actually just walk the fuck out if I’m not feeling it my views on dating would shift completely. I think the societally trained politeness within me is too strong 🙁
I have OCD, which manifests (in part) as an almost pathological need for people to like me and approve of me and tell me I am good. I am also English. This is a recipe for a very very ‘oh no you go first please let me make you comfortable’ kind of person. I 100% get it. But I was never going to see him again, so it really really did not matter what he thought.
(This statement was brought to you by: my shrink. AlmondTort’s shrink: hitting OCD with a sledgehammer, since 2015.)
(It was also brought to you by the Spirit of Mallory Ortberg: drifting around the planet, inspiring glorious misandry as it goes.)
I said this on someone else’s thread, but I’m about to bail on my consort of a couple months because I have caught feelings, and unfortunately they are incompatible with circumstances. It’s a bummer — I don’t get feelings often, or have sex this amazing like ever — but I have too many feelings for things to stay the way they are, and for various life reasons, I can’t see things progressing. But also I am kind of amazed by the zen like calm I feel about it? I guess b/c I knew from the start that it wasn’t going anywhere and honestly I’m surprised it lasted this long.
So, there was this friend with whom I had a fairly major flirtation going on, and it was fun and silly and whatever. She bought me a super nice gift for no reason, we went out on what I guess were a couple of non-official dates, then she came to Friendsgiving at my place and proceeded to sext someone else the whole time. >:-|
Now she has texted me out of the blue and wants to hang out tonight. So I guess that’s happening, but I might have to make a snarky comment or two.
I don’t know what to get my gf for Christmas, and I am feeling anxious about it. What do people get people? We agreed to get each other something small, so I am looking for a book, maybe? Do girlfriends like books?
In other news I was at a workshop last night and a friend introduced me to her friend with a “do you two know each other?” and we were like, “yeah, we…made out once…what was your name?” and I am just so happy that I live the kind of life that includes little moments like that. (I just sent her a facebook friend request now that I know her name.)
The gift problem is real! I think a book is a safe bet. I’m thinking of going book as well but I literally just got him a book for his birthday a month ago…
I shuttered my OKC profile and feel much saner and happier. The last dude I went out with was nice enough, but at any given moment I’d ask myself, text / call / go out with dude, or stay home on couch and knit? And the answer was always the latter. I told him that I am enjoying my solitude and don’t want to go out, and he ARGUED with me, and then got kind of whiny and sad along the lines of “what’s wrong with meeeeee?”
OKC breaks are extremely necessary for maintaining good mental health!
Shy, very infrequent Toast commenter signing in here–I’m diving back into the whole scrum that is online dating, and trying to use my newfound courage to dive into some more semi-regular commenting here as well!
After many, many years of OkCupid, I found myself in a relationship that lasted a while a few years back, but is no longer. So, I’m figuring it’s time to start at least trying to meet people again. What would you all recommend as far as dating apps/sites go? Is OkCupid still the thing? Bumble? Hinge? It feels like there are too many options and I’m a bit stuck!
I feel like what site/app you use depends on where you are and your age. And also what kind of relationship you want. I’ve generally had good luck with Okc in my area but my luck has gotten less good the older I’ve gotten (early 30s). Try a couple and see? Or ask peeps you know in your area what they use?
Yeah, I’m 34, and definitely noticed that things on Okc really changed after I passed 30, which is ironic, since I feel more awesome in my 30s than I ever did in my 20s. I’m trying bumble, but we’ll see. I’m honestly a little afraid to dive into Tinder, but I may be able to ease myself into it after a while.
I’m really out of the loop on these things (just divorced). What do people in mid-to-late 30s use?
After not even kissing anyone in four months, I made out with 3 dudes in a week! One was a bar rando; the other was a dating app guy who I was into but who seemed to be looking for more of a FWB scenario, which I am not looking for at the moment; the third was a dating app guy who was sweet and interesting but I just couldn’t get all that excited about him. So no runaway successes but I feel good having a dating/love life that exists again!
I, too, am leaping back into the fray. Boy, what a lot of time and energy the whole process takes! But I would like to get laid again before the end of the decade, so I am starting the effort now.
I am looking for a FWB situation, and my first date “back” was with a guy I messaged on Craigslist, who within 5 minutes of meeting me, told me in graphic detail about how he had burned his penis on a woodstove. Graphic. I didn’t leave nearly soon enough.
This week I went out with a very nice younger guy from Tinder and we have been texting, but today I suggested doing something next week and he replied “Sure thing!” In the context, it made me pretty sure that he’s not going to want to go out again. Onward! *sigh*
I think the “ever onward” mentality is so key in all of this–not getting hung up on dates who happen to be woodstove-penis-burners seems to be one of the most important parts of online dating. You seem to have totally the right attitude!
Thank you! Hope I can keep it up…I found Tinder a lot easier (so far) than OKC, because you don’t get random messages from guys you have deemed unsuitable. Also better for casual dating, I think–so if you’re looking for something more lasting it might not be your best bet. Good lucks to us!
Good lucks to us all! I’m probably in the realm of looking for something more lasting, but who honestly knows at this point. Trying to be more able to embrace whatever comes as it comes, as long as it’s a positive thing for where my life is now, you know?
Onward and upward!! I highly recommend posting for yourself on craigslist- if you’re a woman looking for a man you’ll get about 8,000 replies but I felt like I got more control that way somehow? Like I was very specific in what I was looking for and it was easy to tell who was actually looking for the same thing and who was looking for anything. Plus you’re probably awesome and I’ve found that awesome guys don’t post on craigslist a ton because the odds are so bad but they will send an email if they’re interested.
I’ve been leaping around like a damn bird of paradise trying to entice Thanksgiving Guy into my uh…nest?
I asked him to help me with a computer project and then made cookies for him. We were at the library until closing one night and he offered to drive me home. And we’re going to get coffee for the second time next week! I’m the one who keeps initiating, but he always responds right away and in the affirmative. Still not sure if he like likes me though, because he’s so kind and friendly to everyone. We’ll see. He’s definitely a grown-ass man, so I trust him to be honest and communicative.
At a party last night, a friend told me she’d run in to my ex at an event I wanted to go to but didn’t because I was worried he’d be there (which she knew). I know she didn’t mean for it to be hurtful, but it was. I hate having to think about it.
I am laaaate but I have to share because I went on a first date on Saturday and there were cocktails and good conversation and then more cocktails and then the dude kissed me right there in the bar and I was On Board until my brain kicked in and reminded me that it was Too Early, and the bar was Too Sophisticated, and I was Too Old to be making a spectacle of myself like that. So I fixed my hair and we went and got dinner and giggled a lot and walked home holding hands and made out like teenagers until I kicked him out at midnight because I had to play soccer in the morning.
And then I went to soccer and my friend started to tease me about my hangover and then stopped to say ‘Saffie, is… is that a BOATLOAD of hickeys on your neck?’ and I almost died from embarrassment because I am not 16, I just have sensitive skin.
So now it is Monday and I have pash rash on my top lip and I am hoping that having to hide hickeys at TWENTY FREAKING NINE is such a far out possibility that nobody has questioned the fact that I’m wearing a scarf in the middle of an Australian summer.
ANYWAY this is the first boy I’ve kissed since the breakup of doom in April, so I’m just going to roll with it and lean into the ridiculousness ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
GET. IT.
Has anyone else here seen Victor Frankenstein? It’s a beautiful sloppy mess of a trainwreck and a drinking game in the making and I apparently enjoyed it more than I’m willing to admit.
I think I am going on Sunday. Massively looking forward to it.
It is . . . pretty much everything I wanted it be. And it fights to earn each and every one of the twenty-something percent it got on RottenTomatoes.
I am in love with every second of it! I already wrote one piece of fanfic and more is likely forthcoming. I’m so glad James McAvoy was allowed to thoroughly chew the scenery.
I would read your fic, ’cause I’ve been halfway-tempted to write some too 🙂
(Though I probably won’t end up having time to do that anytime soon.)
James McAvoy’s scenery chewing was impressive on levels I’m not sure I’ve seen before and I adored it.
Hello toasty friends! I have a serious question.
If all of the love you’ve received has been conditional (or has felt conditional to you, which may or may not be the same thing), how do you learn to value and accept unconditional love?
Similarly, how can you tell if you give any unconditional love?
Context: I realized that as much as I would love to date a person like Thanksgiving Guy (who is staying in town after he graduates!), I don’t know if I could be happy with someone who’s universally kind and beloved. I would never know if I’d earned his love by being special to him or if he’d automatically given it to me for existing. The former is good, the latter is not worth having.
This weird discomfort made me realize that I don’t trust or value love that’s given to me before I provide proof that I deserve it–because someone who loves me when I haven’t done anything in particular probably doesn’t love me for me.
This is obviously very fucked up. Whether Thanksgiving Guy reveals himself to be interested in me or not, this is an issue I need to address internally. Being able to accept and value love that’s given to you is something that you need to do in order to participate well in society.
Ahh, I’ve been struggling with the very same question.
I’m always very suspicious of people who are nice to everyone (as in how will I know if they really like me and aren’t just being polite). Being annoyed by excessive niceness is both totally illogical and tiring.
The same goes for romantic relationships with the addition of having to know how I’m helping the other person. As hard as I try, I cannot wrap my head around the fact that someone would be with me if I didn’t have a very clear function in their life.
So I have ended up acting as an emotional sponge, affair and best friend for a terminally ill boy (who then recovers and goes back to his gf). And currently I’m seeing a brilliant lecturer with a serious drinking problem (cause someone has to save his bright mind from all the booze damage).
I can see the obvious emotional pathway error, but just don’t know how to fix it. So I understand the frustration with not quite figuring out how to expect love just for being a person, without any special tasks or show jumping.
I’ve been analysing this quite a bit and so far I’ve only got one improvement thought pattern – think of how and why you like/love the other person. Is it more of an all-encompassing feeling for all their bits and pieces (as opposed to some one quality they have proved to have)?
Are you me? I also don’t understand why anyone would want to be with me unless they have a specific need that no one but me is willing to fill. I’m more comfortable when I know what someone wants from me, even if it’s something I refuse to provide. Someone who just loves me and wants to be with me–what do I do with that?
I do think that there are people I love for their entire being, but it feels terrible to like them so much. It feels really vulnerable and I can never tell if they love me back as much. I have a history of people whom I really depended on letting me down at very important moments–parents, two friends, a guy, even a no-good therapist–and each time has made me less willing to let myself need someone like that again. I don’t know. I’ve got a lot to think about.
I am not sure I have any useful advice but I’m just here to say that I see and acknowledge your feelings like whoa.
(This from the gal who had to put down Gone Girl for a few minutes when Amy says she’s never thought being likeable was a compliment because “who wants to be liked by just anyone?” Too real.)
I see you seeing me. Thanks.
These sound like really big, difficult thinky thoughts to think, and to me (I am no kind of professional!), they sound like an approach that worked to keep you safe for a long time. This sounds like the kind of thing you could untangle with a good therapist, for sure, because you definitely deserve love even at times when you aren’t doing much to deserve it.
I think on your point of “dude seems to like everyone, how can I tell if he like me for me,” I’d say that one thing it’s important to remember is that there are different types of love. So the way someone loves a romantic partner is usually different than the way they love friends, humanity, or chocolate, if that makes sense.
In any event, I think these feelings are important and worth sorting out, maybe with a professional.
Well said.
That is true. Thank you. I’ve partaken in therapy before, and I may try it again because my current school does offer some basic services. I found therapy really helpful at my previous schools.
This weird discomfort made me realize that I don’t trust or value love that’s given to me before I provide proof that I deserve it–because someone who loves me when I haven’t done anything in particular probably doesn’t love me for me.
Alternately, someone who loves you before you’ve done anything for them very probably loves you for you, and not for what you can do for them.
Love is one of those things that we are all worthy and unworthy of at the same time. No one is perfect, everyone is flawed in some way, and yet we love each other anyway.
(My BFF is married to the kind of guy who can make friends with anyone and I know that sometimes when she feels bad about herself she has found the fact that I love her to be more comforting than the fact that he loves her, because I am judgier than he is, so know that you are not alone in that feeling).
In terms of whether or not you love unconditionally – think about the people you love. Think about why you love them. Think about what they do for you. Now ask yourself, if X was suddenly unable to do Y, how would you feel about them? What would it take for you to stop loving any of the people you love? Be brutally honest with yourself.
I will second what was said elsewhere, which is that these are big, complicated feelings, and may require a lot of work to unpack and sort through, and a professional might be very helpful in assisting with that task.
Those are some good questions in your second-to-last paragraph. Honestly, I think that I was taught to withhold love from people unless they were up to my standards (and my parents had a good idea of what standards I should have). I’m very good at being kind to people–I want my friends etc. to be happy and to like me–but loving someone without first making sure that they’re worth it feels like a terrible risk.
Uh, I might print out this thread and bring it to therapy because I didn’t realize quite how many hangups I had.
I’ve got my first appointment ever with a therapist today and I’m kind of nervous and will probably cry. Any tips?
If you have a close friend you’re comfortable possibly crying in front of, you could bring them along for the first appointment.
Have something planned for afterwards that you know you’ll enjoy. Getting a snack, browsing a store you like, playing with your cat, etc. When I’ve been in your spot in the past, I had a lunch with a funny friend scheduled right after and another time, got myself a humongous cup of fro-yo. Sending you good vibes. No matter what, you’re doing something good for yourself and that’s the best thing.
It’s ok to cry!
If you’re planning on attending therapy long-term, I think it works as a great benchmark, or at least it did/does for me. For example: when I started out, there were topics I *couldn’t* talk about without crying and clamming up, and now I can talk through things in an honest way and be ok with the pain certain things cause. I guess for the therapist tears/no tears might not be such a cut and dried sign of progress, but for me it helps to have an external sign of how things are going (even if it’s not the whole story).
I *always* cry at therapist sessions. Something about talking about myself and emotions just instantly makes me cry. I think it’s because normally I’d stop talking as soon as I had the urge to cry, but I let it happen when I’m at a therapist.
Sometimes they ask why I’m crying or say ‘this seems to really upset you, why?’ But usually I forewarn a new therapist that I will cry, its just a thing that happens, please ignore it and listen to what I’m saying
Eta: crying in front of a therapist is actually OK for me because they’re a safe person that I don’t have to see IRL. I hate crying in front of people I know/family because I think it changes their opinion of me.
If its your first session just see what happens and see how you feel afterwards. Don’t worry what the person thinks of you, this is the thing that they do.
Oh my gosh, this happens to me too! I think I’ve cried at every single appointment I’ve had. It’s like you said, something about talking about myself and emotions just does it to me. My therapist usually asks “what are you feeling right now” and I never really know what to say.
That is a really hard question when you are taught from babyhood not to articulate such things lest you upset the delicate balance of your precarious home life.
One thing that helps me not get too anxious before a first therapy session is reminding myself that it’s fine not to talk about everything on the first session. If the therapist asks something hard it’s fine to say you don’t want to talk about that yet, and a good therapist won’t push on the first session. It’s totally acceptable to spend the first hour talking about your life and your problem in the most general terms possible, and asking questions about the therapist’s approach. If there’s a specific thing that you’re scared to share, it can wait. Often when I tell myself this I end up feeling comfortable enough in the moment to say the thing, but it limits worrying beforehand!
* * *Music Thread * * *
2015 is almost over, where did it go? This year was the year I started buying whole albums again. What are your:
Top 5 albums of the year (either released this year or you discovered this year, or rediscovered!)
Top 5 songs of this year (either released this year, or discovered or re-discovered)
My Albums:
1) “Art Angels” Grimes
2) “Carrie and Lowell” Sufjan Stevens
3) “Magnifique” RATATAT
4) “I Love You Honeybear” Father John Misty
5) “All Yours” Widowspeak
Songs
1) “Sea Kaleidoscope” x.y.r.
2) “The Night Josh TIllman Came to Our Apt.” Father John Misty
3) “The Less I Know The Better” Tame Impala
4) “aisatana [102]” Aphex Twin
5) “Night Light (Joe Goddard Remix)” Jessie Ware
Yes I am so here for this! For the past… oh god, like four years now, my boyfriend and I have been putting together a playlist of our favorite 20 songs from the year and sending a CD in all of our Christmas packages to friends and family. We’ve been working on the long list all year and have just started on the shortlist, so shit is getting REAL.
I haven’t been listening to whole albums as much as I’d like, but I can give you my songs:
1. Getting Ready to Get Down, Josh Ritter
2. 15 Years, Houndmouth
3. Strangers, Langhorne Slim & the Law
4. Animal Mask, The Mountain Goats
5. S.O.B., Nathaniel Rateliff & the Night Sweats
When I saw TMG for the album release tour, John said that Animal Mask is about being in the delivery room of a maternity ward and now I can’t sing along to that song without getting choked up. I’m not even a parent, geez. Good song.
ahhh yeah I heard somewhere that it was about his son and it just makes an already good song so much better!
Ooh I like your tastes. Aphex Twin is a delight, and Grimes was rad.
Here’s mine– I’ll probably regret the ordering or realize I forgot something as soon as I hit post, but roughly:
Albums:
1) E*MO*TION by Carly Rae Jepsen (I”M NOT SORRY)
2) Beat The Champ by The Mountain Goats
3) The Color Before The Sun by Coheed and Cambria
4) The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me by Brand New (super old but I was feeling it this year)
5) Imaginary Life by The Worriers
Songs: (going to intentionally NOT pick songs from those albums)
1) Kill V. Maim by Grimes
2) All My Friends by Snakehips ft. Tinashe and Chance the Rapper
3) Beelzebub by Cancer Bats
4) Glass & Patron by FKA Twigs
5) Hybrid Moments by The Misfits (I’m awful for this one, I’m sorry)
DON’T BE SORRY about Carly Rae Jepsen, Emotion ABSOLUTELY WAS album of the year!
I saw her in Boston last month and shit yeah I bought the t-shirt! It was a really fun show, even if an aggressively-PDAing couple kept grinding me into the sound booth.
came real close to including “Boy Problems” on my top 5 track list!
Oh, fun! Fave five albums released and purchased this year:
1. Hamilton
2. Puscifer “Money Shot”
3. One Direction “Made in the A.M.”
4. Imagine Dragons “Smoke and Mirrors”
5. Duran Duran “Paper Gods”
My favorite songs change by the hour, but if I was in the car listening to the radio today, I wouldn’t change the channel if these came on:
1. Elle King “Ex’s & Oh’s”
2. Fall Out Boy “Uma Thurman”
3. One Direction “Perfect” (this desperately needs to be covered by a queer ladies band please)
4. Macklemore (ugh, I know I know) “Downtown”
5. and I can’t think of a fifth. Wow. Says a lot about what’s on my radio right now.
Downtown is really good. Eric Nally is #problematic but Foxy Shazam has so much good music and puts on a damn good show. And his voice is phenomenal.
I like this thread! This year I noticed that I’ve been listening to a select few albums on repeat more often than I ever have in the past (I typically prefer to cherry pick songs I like & mash them all in an appropriate mood playlist). I think my Top 5 new/discovered albums of the year in no particular order would have to be:
1. Another Eternity by Purity Ring
2. Art Angels by Grimes
3. Goddess by Banks
4. the eponymous EP by Zella Day
5. Ire by Parkway Drive
It’ll take me much longer to come up with a list of top songs, so I’ll leave it at that!
As soon as I published my top 5 songs it took me 10 seconds to realize I forgot to add “Phone Down” by Erykah Badu which is…… a horrible oversight on my behalf
I just did the Spotify Year in Music thing, it was pretty cool to see all my stats. Apparently I listened to 13 days worth of music in 2015!
Albums:
1) Rose Mountain, Screaming Females
2) Time To Go Home, Chastity Belt
3) Sometimes I Sit and Think And Sometimes I Just Sit, Courtney Barnett
4) No Cities To Love, Sleater-Kinney (seeing them live was a big highlight of my year!)
5) Art Angels, Grimes (this will probably jump up the list as I listen more, IT’S SO FREAKING GOOD!)
Songs:
1) “Wishing Well” by Screaming Females
2) “Depreston” by Courtney Barnett
3) “Cool Slut” by Chastity Belt
4) “Trying” by Bully
5) “Point of Being Right” by Shannon and the Clams
I finally started listening to Sleater-Kinney this year – largely because of the Bob’s Burgers video for “A New Wave”
1. Hamilton, obvs.
2. “What a Terrible World, What a Beautiful World”, the Decemberists. I saw them live in March as a late birthday present to myself, and it was absolutely #lifegoals
3. “Sound & Color”, Alabama Shakes. Brittany Howard is an angel sent from Deity, and Mensah Demary’s Liner Notes take on this album for The Butter was fantastic.
Songs: Janelle Monae’s “Yoga”. My firstborn will be named Janelle, regardless of gender.
unpopular opinion: I don’t like The Raven Cycle books and I think the characters are so weird and unbelievable as modern-day teenagers and Ronan Lynch is SUPER FUCKING BORING and all the descriptions of how ~dark-angsty~ he is make me roll my eyes
(also the PLOT MAKES NO SENSE)
(feels so good to get off my chest)
I would be meh about them except when I started reading I thought it was a trilogy and didn’t realize it was a four book series until the end of the 3rd book! I feel very tricked (not that I googled them, I picked it up at the library and thought, ‘this is aggressively mediocre and fairly bad in parts. I can do three of these.’). Four is just one too many.
A fanfic writer whom I admire strongly is SO into them and I’m just so baffled. Her writing is a million times better than the source material, in my opinion, and her fanfic is filled with deeper characterisations with darker, more whimsical ideas. I read The Raven Cycle to keep up, and I feel betrayed because I was expecting something a lot better. It’s fine YA, but I was rolling my eyes around chapter 3 because the author is so fixated on Ronan Lynch as the DARK!!ANGRY!!TORTURED!!child of DARKNESS – when real teen boys are just….not that. He’s a 16 year old covered in tattoos and he drives a muscle car, which, which does makes sense given his backstory, but also hilariously douchey and trying-too-hard. The story sort of acknowledges it, but then undercuts itself when it goes right back to telling us how dark-tortured he is. Grates on my nerves. Yet I do so want to like the world-building :((
I don’t know what the word for the genre is, but I enjoy the magic-is-real-but-also-not-what-you-think stories. Plus I enjoy how the author kept breaking the fourth wall in subtle ways, I found it funny. She kindof stopped doing that, but now I want to know how it ends.
Yes! I like when the gears and cogs of supernatural forces are hidden from the viewers – but Raven Cycle strikes a fine line between being ambiguous (interesting!) and being vague (indecisive!). I feel like three books later I still have no idea what Cabeswater is, but not in a good way. You can write a series where no one knows what the hell is magic and how to use it, but I think you need some sort of thematic thing to tie it all together. Does Cabeswater work on a level of….dreams? like Ronan’s dream creation thing? nature? one’s own hopes and fears? I feel like every book just shrugs and handwaves whatever’s happening. Idk.
Something about the characters like Noah/The Gray Man/Greenmantle doesn’t seem like they belong in the same universe, and again, not in a good way.
I liked the first book and then I read the first half of the second and gave up because I could not with all the wandering about and not getting to the point.
yooo I feel so bad for Adam Parrish because nothing makes goddamn sense and will not get to the point. I know the books are all about the power of Friendship and the tensions in the American Class System but like…ditch these shitty friends, Adam. Focus on college apps and get the hell out of this town. Ganesy and Ronan are insufferable.
Hi, Toasties! Though I’m mortally afraid of commenting anywhere ever, I love this community and I want to try popping in every once in a while.
I finally started Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries and it’s absurd and I love it and I’m wondering above all: does every episode use and then discard exactly one incredibly ridiculous and sexy man who reaches a dazzling peak of sexiness and ridiculousness at the same time in exactly one scene? Because so far (first 2 episodes) that’s how it seems to be happening, and I would be very down.
I’ve only watched the first 5 episodes and I think there is at least one per episode yes! 🙂
Pretty much! There is a constant one in the books (as well as one-book sidelines) but sadly he doesn’t last in the TV show.
I am so happy to know this.
Toasties, let me tell you something about the terrible date I went on.
Dude and I had hung out a few times, and while I saw some orange flags none were so terrible that I was unwilling to have sex with him. So we did, and it was good.
THENNNNNNNN, we go on on a date for the first time post-coitus and he pick fights with me the entire time over really dumb stuff — nonprofits (he thinks they should be abolished????), public transportation (he thinks people shouldn’t be allowed to complain about it because the public doesn’t know how it works!!), local politics (he thinks only people above a certain IQ should be able to vote?!?!?!?), etc. These orange flags were obviously red, and I am ashamed I did not see them.
But the kicker is that when I ask him why he’s being so argumentative, he replies “I’m creating discourse.” Has a white man ever said anything whiter?
Oh jesus that is terrible.
None of that even makes any sense!!!!!!
There are so many dudes out there who have just never been told to shut the fuck up. The trick is that you don’t engage in an argument or try to change his mind– you just look him dead in the eye and say “That’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”
Please please @sluts4ever, go out with him again just to say this the next time he says something stupid.
<pounds table> LIVE TWEET! LIVE TWEET! LIVE TWEET!
(oh for a world where we can communicate with gifs in person)
SHE LIKED MY PENIS BUT WAIT TIL SHE HEARS MY OPINIONS
**SLOW CLAP STANDING OVATION**
oh my god he sounds like the worst, throw him in the trash
That nonprofits opinion made me cackle out loud, it is such a perfectly inane opinion to angrily express.
it’s definitely one of those comments where (if you have the presence of mind in the moment, which I wish I did more often) you just want to start asking detailed questions about how this is to be implemented.
lol not even kidding he said the gov’t should take on the burden, and I’m like…non-profits took on the burden BECAUSE the state couldn’t and they have less money now soooooo??????
OMG “I’m creating discourse.” That is as good as the time this white hipster douche excluded his his better-than-he-is-in-every-way go-go dancer girlfriend (now wife, sad) from a conversation by saying “We are affecting a salon” URRRRGH.
I think I just broke out in hives.
Oh my god j just got the worst douche chills. Ahibbelyjibbely.
how could anyone hear that and not immediately punch him in the face
How could anyone say that NON-IRONICALLY
Oh
no.
I would have probably exploded from rage at the public transportation comments. I FEEL VERY STRONGLY ABOUT LIGHT RAIL. LEAVE ME ALONE FOREVER.
I’m sorry it was terrible, but oh my god this story and the comments have made me laugh long and loudly at work.
I should practice some of the suggested responses, because when shit like this happens to me, my flabber is always so gasted that I just make fish faces.
Discourse, sans Intercourse. That is all.
Glorious!
love the gif *heart eyes* this is my new retort for… everything? i use it often. overly often, even. NO FUCKS GIVEN!
You laughed out loud, RIGHT? I cannot imagine any other response.
I believe I said “jesus christ, shut the fuck up.” To which he replied (OF COURSE), “I don’t think you really get what I’m trying to do here.”
I finally called and made an appointment with an Real Adult Doctor yesterday (as of right now my doctor is technically my pediatrician, who I haven’t actually seen in several years and probably is just as uninterested in examining a 23 year old person as I am in sitting in a waiting room with week old babies). I’m focusing on that accomplishment rather than the fact that I have to wait until the end of February to talk to somebody about my stupid foot pain, but WHATEVER.
I’m also seeing a band I really liked in high school this weekend on a 10 year anniversary tour (what the heck) with some of my best friends and I’m really excited about that. We shall get drunk and be merry and I won’t cry, I promise! I will probably cry with joy! It’s fine!
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My work is trying to schedule our big fundraiser gala thing and it is looking like it is going to end up falling on one of the last days of Passover. I’m an observant Jew. I don’t necessarily take every day of Yom Tov (holidays on which you don’t work) off of work, but I do not eat anything prepared in a non-kosher kitchen during Passover. If we have our gala during this holiday, it’s going to be a major hardship for me. And truthfully, it feels incredibly disrespectful that our development VP is aware that it’s Passover but dismissive because “it’s not the first two days.” You can’t just put matzoh on the table. But I’ve only been here since August and I don’t know how much of a fuss I feel comfortable making.
My boss, the comms VP, who is also Jewish, is out to lunch right now. And when she gets back I feel like I need to say to her that I’m distinctly uncomfortable with this.
It looks like it might be Friday the 29th, the last day of Passover, so at least I’d be able to eat bread products and such by like 9pm?? Even though it’ll be Shabbas, which I also dislike. But Toasties: I’m not crazy to be bothered by this, right?
Here’s a question: are there any observant Jews who might want to attend the big fundraiser gala thing and donate money to your important cause? Could you speak on their behalf? “I think [names of prospective donors] might not feel comfortable participating in a gala dinner on Passover, and we want to make them feel at home so they give us money, right?”
Honestly, I don’t know our donors, and he does. I’m in Communications. He’s the Development VP. He knows our donor base WAY better than I do. I think this is going to be something I need to bring to my boss and let her interfere? I also think that she was planning to spend the full week of Passover out of town, so she may be VERY unhappy with this news.
(he’s also culturally Jewish with almost zero knowledge of religious practices beyond what he’s picked up from my boss, whose husband is a reform Rabbi, from what I can tell)
Result: boss is also not happy, but there are truly no other dates available. We’ll have to make it work, and it will be SHITTY AS HELL for me.
Bring a tiny kosher picnic in your purse! 🙂
That is lame though… maybe there’s someone at your synagogue you can talk to about it? They’d probably have tips/trick/commiseration, if nothing else.
So as a general note on all the cooking threads we have here: how many of us here don’t actually have any recipes?
Like I have two or three things I’ve written down (Black Bean Pie, The Best Corn Bread) but (despite what people say) even my baked goods are pretty much entirely put together by estimation-in-the-moment. I have recipes scribbled in notebooks but they really just exist to remind me what I need to put in and sort of the vague ratios.
I know I’m not alone on this approach, although do any of you guys ever feel a little –I don’t know– anxious about it? Like I can’t really share my recipes. I can’t even make food for people really because I never know if this is going to be a good batch of Carbonara, Au Gratin Potatoes, Lentil Soup… or if it’s going to end up shit.
I just said over in the cookie thread that I wanted to sort of put together my own canonical Biscochito recipe but thats a half of a lie. I do want my own personal canon, but at the same time in all honesty I will never follow it even if I had it.
My mac and cheese has morphed many times, and is entirely by estimation now. I’ll also make up somethings as I go along, like sauces for stir-fry. It does make for an interesting gamble.
I rarely use recipes when cooking. When I do, I’ll remember it in vague terms and recreate it on my own if I want to make it again. I do love paging through recipes for inspiration, though!
This is what I do, too. Like I might use the cooking times and temperatures or for inspiration for certain flavour combinations, but there is no way I’m following a recipe from start to finish (mostly because I’m deeply impatient).
You can totally cook without recipes! I almost always just use them as a reference nowadays. Sorry if this reply is oversimplified; I don’t know your skills. But this is how I do it, 98% tasty.
1. You have to have some basic understanding of how food chemistry works, either by reading or experience. Otherwise you might be tempted to leave out/substitute essential ingredients or make major technique mistakes. For example, you can’t cook meat twice as hot for half as long if you expect it to be tender and flavorful (that’s why stir-frying chicken results in rubbery tasteless lumps but a roast chicken will melt in your mouth.) Your food will not taste the same if you add salt at the table instead of while you are cooking. Fat needs to be balanced with acid; that’s what the lemon juice does and why you can’t substitute apple juice and get the same outcome, but you CAN substitute apple cider vinegar for lemon juice in most cases.
2. You have to taste the food while you are cooking it and before you serve it and correct it if the flavors are wrong. This usually just involves adding salt/sugar/acid/more spices. I usually take out a large spoonful and pour in some salt and decide if that helped or hurt. Then I take another spoonful and pour in vinegar and decide if that helped or hurt, etc. Then I re-season the whole pot.
3. You have to be cool with things not turning out the way you imagined them. You might start out to make potatoes au gratin and instead end up with some other potato casserole, but as long as it tastes good, be happy. Just tell your eaters that you are making “creamy potatoes” to give yourself room to succeed.
4. The more you practice, the more you can crossover skills to save food that is not turning out right. Too soupy? Boil it down, or thicken it with a roux. Too tough? Cook it longer, with some liquid.
6. The other 2% happens. Sometimes you just buy some old stringy vegetables or you try to take too many shortcuts or you are off your game, and that’s when you have to eat a slice of humble pie and some pasta with canned sauce for dinner, and scrape your creation into the trash.
No, no, I mean I absolutely can and do, thats sort of the point. It’s just that because I don’t really use recipes nothing ever turns out the same twice and I have mixed feeling about that. On the one hand I feel bad telling people I’m an excellent cook (which I am… 75% of the time) and then producing a table full of meh. On the other hand it makes me feel extra clever and competent that I can and do cook-by-jazz. On the gripping hand it doesn’t matter because I’m to old to be changing now.
Fun Fact: I basically don’t taste anything before it’s done, I am that cocky.
I get the no recipe cooking, like someone said above, once you’ve got the basic idea of what things do and what you want to happen down it’s ok. I’m baffled by the no recipe baking. Are you talking about things like cakes? Are you making cakes without recipes? Or bread? Because I don’t know how you do that. I mean, guessing and subbing in lots of things can work, but I personally can’t guess things like raising agents (for starters). How do you do that? (I am both baffled and impressed)
Mostly cookies and quickbreads, which are hard to fuck up. I am a bit more by the books on pie crust, but to be fair even the books say “eh just add water until it feels right”.
I mean I use recipes more or less. It’s not like I’m just cracking eggs into a bowl of flour until I get bored. It’s just that I have never let a bit of paper stop me from adding shredded coconut or extra vanilla or making batches 1-1/2 times as large but using oats instead of flour in the extra 1/2. Firm believer in using powdered milk and adding extra powder. Or using sour cream for some portion of the milk, which has not bit me in the ass yet. That sort of stuff.
Though with yeast breads I’m pretty half assed about that too because you can always wait longer if its not spongey enough or use more flour if you’ve made too much sponge.
Ok, THAT makes sense. And I wasn’t picturing you just ‘la la la, crack these eggs, la la la’, more ‘hmmm, how many eggs should I use (puts in 2) no, that doesn’t look right (cracks one more) ok that’s better’ And mix ins like coconut or an extra bit of milk powder here or there don’t count. It was the fundamentals that had me concerned.
And funny enough, it wasn’t pie crust or other pastries I was concerned about because you’re right, just add a bit more water or whatever. I suppose I was mostly freaking out about baking powder and baking soda and yeast and things like that.
I’m a baker and here’s what I do to strike the right balance between reliable reproduction and my fundamental hate of following recipes: I developed *very* streamlined master recipes –barely more than ratios of the essential ingredients plus method– and keep those in a spreadsheet. The point of the master is reliability not subtlety so I almost never just make a straight-ahead batch of a master recipe, but it means I don’t have to reinvent the wheel each time. The control aspect of the master recipes give me room to experiment, which I do freely. I keep a little notebook in my kitchen and when I bake I’ll take notes on it, so if I hit on a particular winner I’ll be able to look back later and remind myself it’s “Crispy Oat Cookie base, ground oats instead, +1 tsp nutmeg, replace liquid w/ bourbon. Double salt, bake at 425. Currants next time?”
Occasionally I’ll hit upon a set of variations that is so popular, particularly around the holidays, that I want to be able to reproduce it exactly, at which point I’ll transfer it from my notebook to the spreadsheet and give it a particular name just to have it as a record. I still experiment more than I follow recipes, but keeping track of the experiments has been seriously helpful, even if I never refer to them again.
I don’t feel anxious about it, but then when I cook certain things they don’t vary that much unless I’m quite tired and neglect some element of it. I have friends over for dinner often and the only times I’ve made something I’m embarrassed to give them are times that I left a thing in the oven too long and it dried, didn’t have the lid on tight enough and it burned, or I was using an internet recipe for the first time and it just wasn’t a good recipe. (Usually I can tell if it’s not going to work out, but sometimes those beautiful food blog photos are persuasive!)
And this doesn’t stop me from sharing recipes, even though the recipe is literally like
heat oil, or butter, but if butter cook on lower heat than you would oil
add onions, or shallots, or garlic but if garlic do not cook for as long
etc.
I mean the way we format recipes is pretty recent in the history of recipes, so. *shrug* if it doesn’t work for you, do what does!
I’m kind of allergic to recipes. Using them doesn’t feel like cooking to me. I do it! But it feels kind of wrong.
Cooking is easy, young Toast, baking is harder.
Honestly, I’m an eyeballer & experimenter when I cook. I almost never follow a recipe exactly when I make stuff, I add or take away according to my tastes and/or the tastes of the people I’m cooking for. But I’ve been cooking for 20+ years and I can generally figure out how much leeway I have with a recipe without making it an inedible pile of garbage.
That said, I do take notes on every new thing I cook or bake in hopes of making it better. I have yet to perfect my mac & cheese! But starting with a good recipe and tweaking it from there has usually held me in good stead, even with the occasional kitchen disaster. Failure is definitely part of the learning process.
Not alone, not aloooone!
My (infrequent, but excellent) cooking is usually measured out in sound effects, which can be difficult to follow for others. It makes my husband NUTS when I ask him to help make one of my dishes, because he’ll ask “how much milk”, and I’ll answer “a glug or two”. Because, really, cooking comes down to taste and smell, and as long as those two are in order, fuck the teaspoon mafia.
Bartender! Go to thewatchseries dot to and there you shall find your early episodes of GBBO.
But don’t click on any ads! Adblocker is your friend in these circumstances! Vodlocker is the service for the first series, at least, and I have not had any trouble with viruses or anything when viewing their videos. Do NOT use any link that wants you to download the vid, and close any ads that pop up immediately.
It is a treacherous business, watching early episodes of this incredibly benign and lovely show, but it is well worth it.
It’s amazing how much you can feel like a bad-ass outlaw, while watching a show about lovely British people making baked goods.
oh my goddd i am glad i went to the third page of the comments today!
My 18-year-old-ish girl kitty is not doing so well. Her back legs aren’t working very well, she has started wheezing quite a bit, and she’s taken to howling in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. I have an appointment for her next week but I’m afraid she won’t be around for the new year. I’ve never had to put a pet down before and I’m crying just thinking about considering it. I guess I will just try to feed her all the treats I can in the near future.
I’m so sorry, it’s ever so hard watching them get old and frail. You’re doing the right thing though, putting her needs above your sadness. Hopefully she can be pepped up a bit with anti-inflammatories or something but if it’s her time, I’m sure you will let her go if she needs to.
If it helps, I am welling up just reading about it.
Thanks. I know she’s had a good long life and I don’t want her to suffer unnecessarily. But kitties should live forever!
They do sometimes go through a dementia period, howling and/or crying at night; my guy used to do it at dusk every night. Hold her, and talk to her, and give her lots of love. Jedi hugs to you.
This is what my 18/19 year old kitty does, and it’s so sad. Also, she is deaf so she can’t hear me when I holler down the stairs. Sigh.
i had the same thing! but also, mine had hyperthyroid, which also causes yelling, so it was a confusing symptom. however, it could just be confusion and not necessarily an indication of the end.
but yeah, i remember having to walk into the room she was in, get her attention out of the daze of her aimless yelling, and settle her down. aww geriatrics!
Yeah I am aware that there’s other stuff that could be the howling issue, but at her age I’d rather not put her trough the trauma of a vet visit and then try to get her to swallow pills, both of which cause her to absolutely freak out and thrash around. With her arthritis especially, I’m worried she could hurt herself. Our plan right now is calming treats at bedtime and lots of snuggles until she is too sick to go on. 19 is a pretty good age for a cat!
My 18-year-old cat is exactly the same, according to my parents; her new noise is described as “the dementia wail”. On the plus side, apparently this was the first year she wasn’t scared of Bonfire Night fireworks, thanks to deafness.
Yep, my kitty wasn’t scared of the vacuum last week, which was very bittersweet.
I’m in a similar place with my about 18 year old dog. We actually thought it was time and booked an appointment and all, but he bounced back!
It’s extras hard because he’s in Ireland and I’m in London so I can’t pamper him and be there with him.
Spend all the time you can with her and love her, and if she’s still eating and pain free (as much as possible) then she’s probably sticking around for a bit
Condolences as you begin the process of saying goodbye. You’re doing the right thing and giving her good care, so trust that she knows it and loves you for it.
Long time lurker, first time commenter. I have a question for Toasties who have experience with grief. How do you ask people for things?
My father recently died. I was a teenager when my mother died and I was quite an asshole to friends that year and still feel bad about it. I don’t like making other people witness pain and I have spent years trying to assure people that I`m okay, even though mental illness has always been a significant issue for me. People keep telling me to let them know if I need anything in a very general, non-specific way. I am not doing well, but I do not know how to communicate that I would really like to have people phone me and come hang out. Any tips would be appreciated.
First, I’m so so sorry to hear about your father.
A good friend’s mom died a couple months ago. While she was dying, I never really knew what to say to my friend and never wanted to come across as prying too much or being like “EMOTE TO ME,” so I’d just stick with checking in and letting her know that I was there if she needed anything. And I totally meant it, I just didn’t know what she needed. When she finally did ask me for something specific (to contact people in our group of friends and let them know that her mom had died/pass along funeral info), I was really glad that she had felt comfortable coming to me and that I could help in some small way. She also texted in the days after her mom died to grab dinner/lunch and to provide a distraction, which I was happy to do. I was really glad that she wanted to get out of the house and socialize.
I think your friends and other people who offer to help genuinely mean it, they just have a hard time knowing exactly what you need/what concrete help they can offer. All this is to say that if what you need is for people to give you a call or come hang out with you, you should absolutely ask for that. I’m sure that their offers to help are sincere and that they would feel good about being able to help you feel better in some way.
Would it perhaps feel less weird to do a bit of a group email or something? Rather then ‘hey, friend A, I want *you* to call me tomorrow’ just something like ‘guys, you’ve all said to let you know if I need anything and I do and it’s this, so please at any point come over and make plans and include me’.
I third letting your friends know that you want to hang out and have them call you. Let them know you need people time, even if it’s watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls. Texts and emails are great ways to get that all out there, if like me you hate the phone. After losing a parent it always seemed weird to me that the onus of asking for help is put on the person whose parent died, but the truth is most people have no idea how they can help, even if they really and truly want to be there for you.
Sending you lots of love!
My mom died when I was 15, and the thing that struck me the most was that the day of the viewing and funeral was a nice day. Outpouring of support and friendship and love. Even though I was awkward and hated being the center of attention and sympathy. But the feeling of support was there.
It was the next day, when the outpouring is done and everything is back to normal for others, and you’re just left in a vacuum of loss…that was much worse for me.
People sometimes step back when a friend is grieving, because they are absolutely overwhelmed with not knowing what to say or do. That’s my experience anyway. But if you give them direction, if they are any sort of people at all, they will do whatever you ask. And don’t feel guilty or stupid for asking ‘Hey, can you call me every few days?’ or ‘Can we do something this weekend’?. I read something about a shark attack where the victim was surrounded by people when she made it back to the beach, but none of them DID anything. She had to look at them and say ‘YOU need to help me’. And they immediately did, but she had to ask for it. People don’t know what to do, so they just don’t do anything sometimes. Be brave and ask for what you need, and trust that the people in your life will come through for you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I second recommendations to just put the fact out there in whatever form is most comfortable for you. Do you feel up to hosting something like a small dinner/movie night? When my mom died I tagged along to a lot of low-key friend events just to try and get my sea legs back under me, and it helped, so maybe asking what people are up to could connect you with good company as well. Take good care.
I am sorry that you are going through this. When I was grieving I said some pretty awful things to people who were trying to be supportive. I felt terrible about it afterwards. I now have a firm Grieving People Get A Pass on Asshole Behavior for at least a year policy. Please try to give yourself a break. It can be hard to be kind to yourself.
I am so sorry for your loss.
If you’re not in the habit of asking for things, asking can be hard. But honestly, most of the people you are close to will be relieved to be given specific ways to help, especially if they aren’t familiar themselves with the loss of a parent or someone close like that.
But, a general request (I would love for you guys to come over, sometime!) can be difficult for people to respond to with concrete actions, especially if there is significant discrepancy of schedules or location. So, maybe you can make some compartments in your mind.
First priority: is there any time or any activity that you specifically want company for? Help sorting through parental possessions? A distraction during an important date or anniversary? Someone to go grocery shopping with you because it’s a little hard to make decisions or eat well right now? Directly ask specific close friends for these specific things. Worst case scenario is that they will say no, but when it’s your close friends “no” will be followed by “not that day, how about this other day?”
Second priority: Would it help to have some standing plans or long-term plans to look forward to? Maybe a once-a-month dinner with pals that make you laugh, or a weekend trip sometime soon? This is a good candidate for the more general email. You could email a bunch of people saying you appreciate their support and a good way to support you would be to spend time with you, what if the first Saturday of the next few months we all make a big soup and watch a movie. Those who can’t make it the first time can try to make it next time, or reach out to you to schedule something else.
Third priority, as you go along, is to do what Hey Cinderella says and just let people know it’d be nice to see them, whenever you think of it.
Now, ideally, friends in your group will also be doing this for you–reaching out periodically, just a check-in if you need anything, do you want to get lunch sometime, etc. But they might not think of it. So, do you have a very close friend who could play lieutenant in this, who likes making social arrangements and might be up for a little behind-the-scenes planning or reminding other friends when and how they can reach out to you? If so, let that friend unleash her powers.
Take care of yourself. Be well.
Yes! Deputize a friend. Very good advice.
This is excellent advice. If you can just find one person who you feel comfortable asking others to ask for you–that is golden.
My father’s death was a very un-transferable experience, so I can’t tell you what worked for me. I can just say that I know what it’s like to be unsure how to tell people what to give you.
From the other side, I can say I’ve sincerely meant it when I said “ANYTHING I can do, no seriously, anything” — and that would include sleepovers, netflix binges, pizza ordering, shopping days, etc.
If you were to just say “I don’t want to be alone as often as I have been” I think people would suggest all of those things and start filling up your hours, and be happy to do so.
Write a form text: “Hey! I’d like to spend more time being low-key social these days. Any chance you want to drop by for a few hours this week and watch TV, eat junk food, hit a coffee shop?” Send to 3 people and see what the response is, and go from there.
(Definitely hit up your friends who don’t work 9-5s first. Everyone will crowd your weekends.)
Do you have a smartphone? If you can schedule texts, schedule a text a day to a different friend. Something stupid. Schedule them to go at times when you could theoretically respond if a conversation happens.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
My parents are coming to visit me for Christmas! We always do amazing music at church, and I hate having to choose between that and family. My brother and his wife can’t make it, but mom and dad are going to be joining my church choir for Christmas Eve, and it’s going to be the best. And I have the soprano solo in the Schubert Gloria, about which my mother is very excited.
Family Christmas! Singing with my parents!
Does anyone have experience with combination space heater/humidifiers? Good idea, or should I let the two things be separate?
I’ve got an old busted space heater for the bedroom I have to trot out a few times a year and I learned pretty quickly to put a decent-sized ceramic bowl full of water in front of it or else wake up with the inside of my brain all dry and shriveled like last year’s Christmas trees. It is not fancy, but it works for me.
I recently learned that in Iceland, there is a tradition of exchanging books on Christmas Eve, and everyone retreats to bed to read and eat chocolate. I love that, so I’ve decided to start observing this tradition myself! Everyone on my list is receiving books for Christmas Eve.
I’m getting Lafayette in the Somewhat United States for my Hamilton-obsessed boyfriend (already got him the Hamilton biography for his birthday earlier this month) and West With The Night for my aviation-obsessed dad. However, I still need book ideas for the rest of my family.
My mom: elementary school teacher, loves Outlander and historical romances
My brother: geek/programmer, loved The Martian and Game of Thrones
Brother’s girlfriend: likes cute things, Adventure Time (was thinking maybe Nimona?)
Boyfriend’s sister: loves dogs (got her Mary Oliver’s Dog Songs last year)
Any suggestions, bookish Toasties?
for your brother, Randall Munroe’s THING EXPLAINER is sweetly hilarious and science-y
for your boyfriend’s sister, THE BIG NEW YORKER BOOK OF DOGS, which makes me cry every time i open it because dogs are so good. they are SO GOOD.
Thank you, these sound great!
10/10 good dog
Into the Wilderness series by Sara Donati for your mom.
Super-agree on Randall Munroe for your brother
Maybe something like Kawaii!: Japan’s Culture of Cute for your brother’s girlfriend?
The New Yorker book sounds good for your boyfriend’s sister.
Good luck!
I just looked up Into The Wilderness and it sounds perfect for my mom – she loves Last Of The Mohicans, too! Thanks!
For your brother’s girlfriend, would comics be a good fit? Lumberjanes and Unbeatable Squirrel girl are both adorable and super-fun.
She’s pretty quiet and I don’t know her that well, but I suspect that they would! I LOVED Lumberjanes. Will check out Unbeatable Squirrel Girl!
For your mom – Courtney Milan and/or Joanna Bourne
Brother – Wolf in the White Van, maybe? Or Ready Player One, though it’s best to determine he hasn’t read it, cause it seems like everyone in his demographic has
Bro’s GF – Nimona is great, also The Thrilling Adventures of Lovelace and Babbage: The (Mostly) True Story of the First Computer (which your bro would also like), and anything by Rainbow Rowell
Okay. So DC-area folks, I just got the following email from my office (who pretty much never sends out warnings about run-of-the-mill protests/demonstrations), and they said:
There is a scheduled protest event this Saturday (December 12, 2015): “The
Quran Roast of DC.” This activity is scheduled to take place 1000-1200 near
the White House. All are reminded to be aware of your surroundings at all
times and avoid protest activity if possible.
We encourage everyone always to maintain a high level of vigilance; if you
see suspicious activity or dangerous behavior please contact the appropriate
authorities or dial 911.
US Park Police: (202) 610-7500
DC Metro PD: (202) 715-7300
I absolutely don’t have any more information than that right now, because there are some things I’m just not comfortable Googling on a government computer network, so I don’t know what exactly is being planned or how big they’re expecting their turnout to be or anything, but . . . Um, maybe look this up and plan accordingly.
Also suffice to say that I am basically just ready to flip over my desk and go home, because I don’t even know what to do with the world anymore.
What?!! If it is what it sounds like it is, it’s completely appalling. Hopefully there will be a creative and peaceful counter-demonstration. In any case, you and all DC Toasties, Be safe!
I’m honestly hoping that it’s a very small gathering of probably very awful people and doesn’t end up being anything to worry about, but I figure if the agency I work for decided it was worth sending us an email about, I had better err on the side of caution and pass along the message. Just in case.
ARGH
Wonder if there is anyone planning a counter-protest, since I have to be in Chinatown at noon anyway…
Ugh my mom just forwarded me the official government office e-mail she got sent about this. Apparently the event’s social media page showed 184 people interested in attending, 52 people going and 1.7 thousand invited to the event.
I work on Saturdays, and my office is only a couple blocks over from the White House, so I hope this turns out to be nothing!
I am really really glad I read this conversation with bell hooks, because I had encountered the name before but I did not know who she was and now I have a better idea! http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/12/10/b…
What would you all make for early Christmas dinner with your husband’s horrible family? If you were a really good cook who enjoys cooking and knows these people will not appreciate you? I considered doing Victorian Christmas and, like, trying making a goose or quails or something, knowing they’ll be weirded out and kind of enjoying it, but all of those meat options are EXPENSIVE. I mean, I can spend some, but I don’t want to spend a fortune on hate-cooking.
Also it’s next Sunday so I need to get on this.
Also my husband can’t do gluten or corn.
I mean, I can do a turkey and mashed potatoes and everything, but a) I’d like something more interesting and challenging personally, and b) I really would like to do something that pushes them a bit. Not something they just won’t eat (I did think about doing authentic Chinese, I was just looking through the most interesting cookbook, but there’s challenging and then there’s just setting yourself up for disappointment) but something off the beaten path at least a little bit. That isn’t insanely expensive.
Wacky 50’s style recipes where everything is a combination of jello and mayonnaise and meat. Cheap and guaranteed to weird them out.
I saw this vintage recipe card for “milk chicken” online & if the picture is anything to go from, it’s gotta be amazing.
Are those…bananas?
THEY WOULD PROBABLY LIKE IT. Because they are AWFUL. They eat CANNED GRAVY.
Please note that I am not saying that they are bad people because they eat canned gravy. They are awful, AND ALSO they eat canned gravy.
My mother sometimes does a pork crown roast for a big family meal. I’m a fan of roasting for big meals, because it takes care of itself, and I can focus on a couple of side dishes and dessert.
I do have a gluten free dessert suggestion: Nigella Lawson’s Christmas Pavlova – from How to Be a Domestic Goddess
http://foodandspice.blogspot.com/2008/12/nigella-…
It’s a big squodgy mess of meringue, whipped cream and pomegranate.
Don’t do authentic Chinese, unless maybe they are Chinese. I did that one year and my extended family was like, “What’s this? Where is the General Tso’s chicken? Why didn’t you make those deep fried cream cheese things? Can we just order Chinese?”
I second beachlass’s comment: Do a roast and then focus on some impressive side dishes and dessert. That way a) if one is not successful you can hide it and 2) everyone will be able to find something they like and 3)you can get really complicated with some and really simple with others as time permits.
I say this as someone who feels your pain so palpably I began to get sympathy sweats for you, but that way madness lies. Do not hate cook. I know the temptation is pow’rful strong –and I say this as someone who served a full Edwardian Christmas feast for 12 complete with silver, crystal knife-rests and hundred year-old Limoges featuring ACTUAL HANDPAINTED PERIWINKLES for a bunch of people who, while not necessarily actively horrible, Just Didn’t Get It and would’ve been happier with tamales and canned beer. And even though I did it to myself and my intentions weren’t entirely altruistic I’m STILL pretty resentful years later.
In situations like these I think the best option is to elevate rather than challenge your guests. So do a turkey, but spatchcock it. It’ll be novel but approachable and you’ll still get your advanced-cookery self-satisfaction.
I grasp your wisdom. I do. I am trying to absorb it but hatehatehatehatehatehatehate quail? hatehatehatehatehate
I was planning on spatchcocking a turkey this year if we did end up doing a turkey, actually. Serious Eats was all about that.
I thought for a small moment about doing an intense vegetarian Christmas. They wouldn’t get it, of course.
Why don’t you do a long-cooked pork butt either with mojo rub, or some kind of Asian lacquered glaze, or something similarly ethnic, and do some lovely adventurous sides that will satisfy you (Cuban black beans and fried yuca and avocado salad if Cuban, scallion pancakes if Asian, etc.) and some plain rice and salad or something for them. You get a fantastic feast with many leftovers, they get something that looks more or less like roast pork or barbecue, everyone wins.
Pie for dessert, or cheesecake. If that goes wrong they’re hopeless.
What about a leg of lamb or a lamb crown roast?
These recipes inspired some of my favorite winter-dinner-party dishes (I rarely follow recipes exactly, unless I’m baking something tricky):
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/gree… http://lifeandthyme.com/recipes/potato-leek-soup/ http://www.nourishtheroots.com/2011/11/miso-curry… http://www.thekitchn.com/recipe-cauliflower-fenne… http://foodess.com/recipes/samosa-pie/
We’re on the third page so this is going to be lost but I would like to share The Best Cornbread recipe because it is a ridiculous recipe:
1 Cup Cornmeal
1 Cup Flour
1 Cup Butter
1 Cup Eggs (4 large)
1 Cup Sugar
1 Cup Grated Cheese (I use half monterey, half cheddar)
1 Can Creamed Corn (15 oz)
1 Can Green Chile (4oz)
1 Tbs Baking Powder
1 tsp Salt
mix dry and wet in separate bowls, combine, pour into greased 9×13 pan
Bake a 300f for 1 hour (yes 300 for an hour that is not a typo).
It comes to me by way of a roommates grandma and is utterly brilliant. feel free to use more chile though.
Sort by activity! Never lose anything. That sounds delicious.
It took me longer than I care to realize what was going on with this recipe because the version I got had
4 eggs
2 sticks of butter
4 oz chile
the cheese was in two 1/2 cup entries.
It wasn’t until about a year later that it clicked that L’s grandma had built this recipe with a single measuring cup.
Wow I am definitely trying this tonight!
That sounds insane and delicious, and I know what I’m baking this weekend.
THIS SOUNDS GREAT.
This dish (usually less chiles) appears at every. church. potluck. evar.
And I am totally OK with that because it is delicious.
Yeah I have assumed that any recipe that so blatantly refuses to be complicated came from a time and place of people making things for potlucks. I’m sure it came to L’s grandma by way of rotary club fund raiser, church potluck or one of any million of those community cook books.
Although I can’t recommend it at all with out the chile. Even aside from the usual New Mexico attitude of “oh and dump in some green chile” it’s needed to add enough piquancy/vegetal-ness to cut through the sweetness and the otherwise a-bit-too-comfort-food density.
Tattoo isn’t happening tomorrow if anyone is still following; design wasn’t quite right when I went to see it (geometrical / shapes are super hard to get right, and I’m very much a ‘I’ll know it when I see it’ client), I’m keeping it under wraps at the moment and not really telling anyone what it is, but its going to be epic!
I’m booked in for the end of January, and I seem to have found the nicest tattoo shop in all of London; I don’t feel any pressure to not be picky and they’re being super cool and into my idea. Heaven.
That is awesome, and I am glad you are comfortable enough with your (future) artist for them to work on it until it is perfect and you are both ready! I will sit and wait patiently until you can share with us. 😀
Any suggestions for what to get for a work secret Santa that I’ve literally never seen before in my life? The limit is 10 bucks and he’s a dude who likes to climb mountains (I heard this second hand so I’m not 100% on how accurate that is).
Do you bake? That’s usually my go to! He could eat the baked goods on a mountain maybe? (Or somewhere else if the mountain climbing thing is a rumor.)
I do! That’s a nice idea, thanks!
Continuing what is rapidly becoming my traditional/cliche advice:
A set of ratcheting tie downs. this is a 8 pack of 10ft for 10 dollars but feel free to just go to the store and find whatever length/quantity trade off you think feels good, although anything under 8 feet is a bit useless and anything over 16 feet should only be bought if you know he needs that length. If he climbs mountains he is probably the sort person that occasionally needs to strap things to the roof of a car and even if not, they’re always useful.
It’s not about who he is. It’s about your work environment. Go to the office supply store. Find something unusual and fun. Hits from my past: Giant sticky notes 2 feet square, stapler shaped like an alligator, pencils with multi-colored “lead”.
it’s kind of dumb but even though we technically work in the same place our actual jobs are so different I don’t even know if I can make a prediction off of work environment. Everybody needs office supplies though!!
You could go for something that is outdoorsy but also totally useful indoors, like novelty hiking socks.
Our secret santa had us list two things we would want on ours, which is helpful for me since I have only been here a month and don’t know many people yet!
The guy whose name I picked asked for “alcohol” and “gift cards” and since I personally don’t feel comfortable gifting alcohol ever, looks like gift cards it is.
Gift cards to the liquor store! DO IT!
(this assumes you have a liquor store in your area that sells gift certificate)
my secret santa dude is actually a phD student in economics and I feel like he would quite possibly really appreciate a liquor store gift card…
REI gift card?
Is there a coffee shop somewhere near your office? A gift card to somewhere nearby may be impersonal but it’s pretty fail-safe.
Technical socks!
fancy mug + fancy coffee/cocoa/tea? cool waterbottle if the mountain climbing thing is true?
I survived Breakupocalypse: Week I. I socialized with humans every night, exercised every day, went to therapy, only cried on like three trains, started planning a very fun blog with a very fun theme (and drafted some entries!), got a manicure/pedicure, and signed up for POTTERY WHEEL CLASSES. And I am runnnning away to visit a friend this weekend, and tomorrow we are going to go on a HIKE (which I used to hate but maybe now I won’t?). PLUS during the bus ride I’m going to listen to the new “Serial” episode and do some more blog planning instead of looking out of the window and crying while listening to sad sad music.
Yes for crafting classes! I hope you’ll share your blog with us whenever it starts. (although no pressure if it’s personal or any other reason)
I’m so excited! I’ve never taken a crafting class as an adult. This place also has open studio hours so you can practice between classes for free, which seems very cool! And I will totally share the blog when it’s up and running. Thanks for the encouragement!
I am impressed. Way to go you! I hope you enjoy hiking (it’s one of my favorite things) and continue to be good to yourself.
Thanks so much! I haven’t actually hiked in probably eight years or so and I’ve gotten more into exercise in general since then, so I think it could actually be fun. I will report back!
Sending you GOOD VIBES AND MORE for week 2! If you like podcasts during your bus/train time, may I suggest Throwing Shade? It’s two comedians talking about women’s and LGBT issues. Sometimes they say things that make me cringe (like a little dismissive of other groups/people, idk how to phrase this) but I listened to many episodes when I was depressed and it almost always made me laugh.
Also, I’m very excited on your behalf re: pottery! I’d like to try it.
I used to listen to Throwing Shade on the regular, but have neglected it for the past few months! What an awesome idea. Thank you!
(And I know exactly what you mean about the cringing and the hilarity. It was definitely one of the only things that made me laugh out loud on the train, but sometimes I’d be like..”did you havvvee to say that thing in that way?”)
Ohmygosh are we the same! I too am one week into the Breakupocalypse, and also planning to listen to Serial tonight (ok, like the rest of the world), AND ALSO am about to sign up for a pottery wheel class! I really would like to start a Toastie Breakup Support E-mail Situation so that we can weep to each other when our friends are finally exhausted from the ‘but whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy’.
My Breakup Successes This Week:
1. Did not cry today
2. Went to office holiday party and had a fun time
3. Someone from my fantasy basketball league friended me on Facebook, and I thought he was super hot (and girlfriended and lives in a different timezone, but WHATEVER).
HUGETREMENDOUSBUTVERYGENTLE HUGS
I’ve had you on my mind and am sending you good vibes.
Aw, you are the best and kindest. Thank you.
And how have you been?
Go you, with your bad self. This sounds like amazing planning and I am so impressed. You’re going to rock it. Have an excellent weekend.
Thanks so much…hope you enjoy the weekend too!
OPE just saw your post on my breakup thread from Monday. Let’s be friends!
I just responded to you, but I don’t know if it’s showing up? In any case, my email address is my entire name too, so I made an email account called [email protected]. So if you email that I can write back from my regular human address and we can talk about POTTERY WHEEL and FEELINGS!
E-MAILED!
This is already buried, but……..THREE INTERVIEWS NEXT WEEK! ALL FOR JOBS I ACTUALLY WANT!
Cross your fingers really hard for me, guys; two of them are actually in-person, and I didn’t have to go through the stupid phone screen first. This time next year, I might be permanently employed and not living off my family!
Congratulations!
WHEEEEE! Congrats! I hope everything works out for you! I just successfully survived a job interview and it was soooo scary, but then the people were really nice.
Congrats! I’m crossing all my fingers and toes for you, best of luck!
YAAAAAAS!!!!!
Chris Kimball just tweeted a picture of him with Don Juan from Carlos Castaneda’s The Teachings of Don Juan. Chris Kimball may be on peyote as we speak.
I need this to be true. I also know for a fact that at least one ATK employee reads The Toast so I hope she shows up and confirms/denies/gossipmongers about his leaving. Of course she won’t, but a girl can dream.
I asked and Chris denied having any psychedelic experiences since the 70’s.
For whatever that’s worth.
So earlier this year, I ended a toxic friendship with someone I’d known for half my life. She spent most of our last few years of friendship assuming she could read my mind and taking everything I said and did as a personal affront. I finally got tired of it and handed her the African Violet, in C. Awkward speak when she took me to task for not calling her on the phone immediately upon losing my pregnancy. Never once said “I’m sorry what you’re going through,” or anything like that, just gave me shit because she had to learn about it through the grapevine. So I said, “No more.”
Everything was really great for most of the year! I was no longer being told things that I said meant things that I did not say! But now mutual friends are hosting holiday parties and suddenly she’s showed up on my radar again making noise about how she saw I RSVP’ed “yes” to events she also wants to go to and how we should try and “handle the situation” (what situation!?) for the “host’s sake” (uhhhhhh). What do I even do with this? I don’t want to not go. 🙁
Goodness, I don’t know how to advise you, but I would say that you should go if you want to go, and I’m sorry that this is happening in your life :(.
What the actual eff? People behave very strangely sometimes. I am sorry to hear of your loss and her terrible, self centered reaction. Clearly you’ve done the best thing for yourself by removing yourself from her influences.
You shouldn’t have to miss the holiday parties. Would it be possible for you to keep a polite but distant attitude towards her when you see her? I might find it really tough, but I imagine replying cordially but not effusively to her would be effective.
If you want to be generous, send her a note saying “I plan to attend [whatever you want to go to] and intend to behave graciously.” Not like you have to divide your social circle like Korea…
And if you don’t feel like responding, don’t. Go to whatever, and be cordial but don’t engage.
This, this, this times a million. If she wants to start shit with you over the holiday party thing, that is HER immature, melodramatic business and you do not have to engage with it.
That sounds hard. Well done for being assertive and ending a toxic friendship though.
If you go to the holiday parties, could you be polite but curt? Like, if she talks to you, just say “hello”, and than move on and talk to someone else. And if she keeps trying to talk to you, say “excuse me” and then go and talk to someone else. Although this would probably depend on her not making a scene in response.
I go the ignore and avoid route. Ignore her now. Attend the party. If you see her enter the same room as you, make your excuses and go elsewhere. Get another drink or snack. Pretend to see someone you haven’t said hi to yet. Duck into the bathroom for a minute. Prove that the world is wide enough for you to coexist without interacting.
She’s needy. Whether she realizes or not, she’s angling for more attention from you. Do not feed the troll; no response emails. Go where you please. Do as you please. When encountering anyone unworthy of your energy, be coldly polite and brutally brief. Step in front of her, wait for eye contact, say her name coldly, with a blank face. Step aside and walk past her.
Does anyone have any good recommendations for getting in the holiday spirit? I’m not feeling it this year for some reason. Maybe mulled wine?
Elf (the movie) always does it for me, weirdly. Public displays of decorations (for your holiday of choice). I’m on the verge of taping a snowglobe to my face and pretending it’s cold since it’s so freaking warm everywhere this year…
Seriously, 60 degrees in December is a travesty.
Or mulled apple cider! A live christmas tree, if you celebrate christmas/yule? That fresh piney smell in the house just improves everything. But if you don’t feel it, there’s no requirement to be festive! you do you.
We do have a tree, and I think I have some pine-scented candles stuffed away somewhere! I will mull ALL the drinks! I usually love Christmastime, it just kind of blindsided me this year and I haven’t had time to get properly festive!
Lots and lots of lights and candles- it’s so freaking dark!
Oooh, I think I do have a box of fake tea lights somewhere, thank you!
Get something pine-scented (a wreath, a tree, or a scented candle if, like me, you are lazy and hate vacuuming up pine needles) and put on your favorite holiday music, then bake something.
Baking + music is an excellent idea!
OH MAN. This is my TOPIC. No one in Moscow celebrates Christmas on the 25th, and I do fervently (if secularly). So, making a schedule of holiday activities helps (making cookies, volunteering, etc.). Then also, hanging up twinkly lights in all the windows. Mulled wine is a must. You can also wear festive accessories (make them if you’re crafty), the kitschier the better. UM WHAT ELSE. Make a playlist for listening to while running errands with holiday music/for while doing said holiday crafts and baking and stuff. Make cozy dates with friends. Depending on where you live, walks in snowy parks or woods are great, as are any kind of concerts of holiday music (classical or other).
It’s kind of a revelation that holiday spirit doesn’t just HAPPEN. Well, maybe if you live in Whoville it does but not everywhere! It takes commitment! You got this!
P.S. That said, I second achemicaldefect. Holiday spirit is not mandatory, and does not have to mean one thing. Make your own traditions, if you like! Holiday spirit doesn’t need to be heady and merry; holiday spirit could be, if you want it to be, quiet and meditative, or indulgent and restorative, or whatever looks realistic and appealing! And the activities you do to nurture that “spirit” would then depend on what you want your holiday spirit to feel like 🙂
All wonderful ideas, thank you! <3 I got this! I do love holiday spiritedness, for some reason my brain just hasn’t caught up with the date. Probably because it’s balmy and snowless so far this winter.
Even though I am wholly secular, for some reason what works for me is “church, but not like deeply religious church stuff, slightly corny and under-rehearsed church stuff.” I went to a Live Nativity with Real Animals at a neighborhood church this week and had a great time, they had printed the wrong carols in the program and little kids from the audience kept making a break for the goats and having to be retrieved and as the grand finale the donkey tried to eat the manger. I… guess this is not really an actionable recommendation, though, unless you also have a church in your neighborhood putting on a live nativity with a poorly-trained donkey, in which case I recommend it!
I recommend mulled wine for literally anything. Even if it doesn’t get you into the holiday spirit, you should probably drink some anyway. I should probably drink some for you, actually. Just to be extra sure. (i love mulled wine so much. A+ best beverage.)
YES mulled red wine! glühwein! spices but also some orange slices in it, and maybe some slivered almonds and raisins in the Finnish way!
* mulled wine
* hot buttered rum
* hot chocolate with bailey’s
* pine scented candles
* lots of those stupid fakes candlesticks with flcikering light bulbs (the old school ones. not the fancy new school ones that look realistic.)
* Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
Toasts, I have leftover pork roast and sweet potatoes for lunch, and when the revolution comes/civilization falls/zombie apocalypse, my slow cooker is the thing I will miss the most.
If I Can’t Slow Cook, It’s Not My Revolution!!!
That sounds so delicious! Do you have the recipe by any chance? I’m always looking for slow cookery recipes, especially this time of year.
Oh dear. It’s not much of a recipe
Peel sweet potatoes and chop into big pieces (like, thirds?)
Put pork roast and sweet potatoes in slow cooker
Throw in a handful of cherry tomatoes
Squirt some honey mustard over everything
Season with fancy salt (mine is some Italian herbal thing)
Cook on low all day
The good news is that you can slow-cook with a cast-iron dutch oven and a campfire/briquetes. Stock up now.
Enclosed is your invitation / secret password to our post-apocalyptic haven.
Hi Toasty peeps.
Getting over verbal abuse and crappy relationships thread.
I think I’m a slightly above average needy person, with lots of unhealed pain, but I have a big heart and I’m willing to try again and again and say I’m sorry, self-reflect, get a strategy for dealing with triggers, go to therapy, practice self-care etc.
But what is up with people who insist on telling you who you are and labeling all your worst traits with the skill of a surgeon? I’ve been taught for years to only say “I feel (insert emotion) when you (insert behavior). I thought this was supposed to be non-threatening and taking responsibility. But what follows is usually “You are shallow, you are selfish, you are materialistic, you only talk about your needs, what about mine?, you are unrealistic, you are cruel, you ignore reality…”
And I’m like, dude…you’re not supposed to take MY inventory, take your own.
Moved on, but still hurting from these words.
That person is not worth your energy. You deserve better and there are so many, so much better, people out there. Waste no more energy on that immature slug. And be proud of yourself for recognizing their ugliness. ::Toasthugs::
Yes. Want my energy back!
Oh, I’m so sorry you had to deal with someone like that. I’ve known those people and gotten hurt in those relationships too. I think those people who aren’t willing to tell you how they feel are cowards. They are happy to tell you things they think about you because that can’t hurt them. And I think sometimes, the things they tell you they think about you are actually things they think about themselves. You deserve so much better than that cruel coward.
Projection!
i’ve always felt so weird about this, because i wasn’t taught to do it either and i didn’t realize it was just another form of control until i got out of my own bad relationship. every so often though, i’ll notice someone i know doing it, and my big question is: what’s with the NEED to tell a person they are this or that way? [i mean, i know it’s a desire to control the relationship, but i can’t help but ask the question. again and again.]
we expect to get into relationships with nice people and that they’ll be straight-forward with us, and that when they love us, they’ll be gentle. but then it happens and it’s not always that way. something that resonated with me when i tried to make sense of these things was: how did i help enable this? i’m not asking you to start blaming yourself for anything, but it helped for me to try to identify early stages of relationships and how to tell if something was going wrong early on, which i was ignoring. but that’s me, and i didn’t mean to make my comment about me.
so, for you. there is no reasonable answer to this question within normal healthy human behavior. this person was, for whatever reason, trying to control you by telling you negative things about yourself so you would believe them. it’s a shitty thing to do, and i feel bad for a person who is trapped in that cycle, but so glad you got out.
Heather, that is the nicest thing I’ve heard in a long time. What a relief to hear sane remarks. I know I allowed the verbal abuse to happen, many times. At the time, I didn’t realize what it was. Now I am wiser and much stronger since I left.
Some people, all they know is power and control.
Toasties, so, I got some sad news today. I was supposed to start interning doing some natural history conservation/restoration work at a museum in my city (mostly just watching and learning); they just needed to figure out with the taxidermist what kind of schedule would be convenient.
I was starting to get so pumped, as much as I can even though I’m too careful to ever prematurely do that, and then today I get an email that the taxidermist who handles most of the restorations and was not gonna take any interns (I had spoken at my interview with the director of collections who doesn’t do the hands-on stuff). Everyone had been so friendly that I’d met; the museum itself is just a fairy tale (architecturally), and it’s just such a bummer that it ended up being a dead end.
So, day before my birthday (today), I start crying in Leroy Merlin explaining to my husband. Then we got curtain rods.
I perk up and we come home and our axolotl has died. What a day. Sometimes I question whether getting excited or attached to things makes any sense whatsoever, when you are at such a risk of disappointment and loss. Not any of it too big a deal in this case, but jeez.
Any advice about an aquarium-dwelling pet that is hardier, not high-maintenance, and preferably beautiful? Thinking on Sunday we’ll try to get a new pet. Sad to look at an empty aquarium.
Oh no! Your poor axolotl! They are so beautiful. I wish I knew what else to recommend to you, but mad props for having kept an axolotl!
I know! They are wonderful. It was an old axolotl, rescued from the aquarium at my husband’s work where it had been chomped on by some nasty fish. We got to watch its gills and little feet regenerate, but then recently the little guy got a bit pale and then today suddenly died. No idea what happened, potentially just old age to be honest. But it seemed it was a swift end, which comforts me. And it died before the ground froze too much, so we were able to bury it near our house, which is also nice.
An update on my life disaster, I guess. Thursday I went to my first ob/gyn appt, and I really thought that I would be able to keep it together and not cry like an idiot about the needles, but that was not to be. On account of not having had a pap test/pelvic exam in 8 years the dr. did that, and it hurt and was miserable as expected, and I was sore the rest of the day but I expected that. She (the dr.) is really nice and expressed her stern disapproval of Mr. Chemicaldefect and his man opinions, which helped a little.
When it was getting close to Needle Time I was a complete mess and she was like, you know, this isn’t necessary. And then she says “how about I write you a script for some benzos and you take one of those before each appointment that involves needles” and I am just so, so grateful. (And giggling a little every time I remember that she called xanax “benzos”, I mean, she didn’t know that I’m a chemist and would absolutely know what benzodiazapines are, but still, using the street name?? Delighted cackling. But not in her office, that would have been weird.) So there were no needles yesterday, and for my next appointment there will be, but it is in a month and I will be high when the needles happen, so I think I can deal with that. Mr. Chemicaldefect will have to drive me to it b/c I refuse to drive while high. So the medical side of things is going well.
I’m exhausted ALL THE TIME and have already had one moment of complete stupidity (during a job interview, because of course) where I forgot something minor about my Ph.D. research, and now I’m terrified that my brain is going to turn into a pile of lard and jello like the rest of my body.
Weird things have been happening with my weight-I’ve lost weight over the past week because food looks disgusting most of the time? I don’t understand why. But my boobs grew, which is horrible, so did they steal body mass from somewhere else or what? I don’t like this at all. I still have not had any morning sickness or puking of any sort, so I’m really glad about that. If that continues, my absurd game of Hiding Your Pregnancy From The Medical Professionals You Live With may actually succeed.
I turned down the job offer that I got the other day, because I really, really want the other job that I interviewed for (the one where I was stupid and forgetful) and think that I have a decent chance of getting it.
You can tell me it’s none of my beeswax, but…Mr. Chemicaldefect isn’t the reason you went eight years without an exam…is he?
Nah, it’s just my own squeamishness. And I told myself that since I’ve been monogamous, have no health problems at all, no STI’s, no family history of any girl parts cancers, I’m probably considered pretty low risk and therefore its more ok to avoid it? I know that’s garbage logic.
Okay. Okay, that’s…good. Thanks! And good luck with the job!
I am so, so glad you have a kickass doctor on your side! She sounds great and I’m slightly jealous.
hooray for your doctor!
my understanding is that many women lose weight during the first trimester, especially if they have morning sickness, but also any other loss of appetite. Plus the actual being pregnant part takes some calories.
Pregnancy boobs are magical things, they suck in nutrients from the air or something.
I hope you get the job you want, and congrats to you on going to the ob/gyn and her being cool.
I’m so glad to hear you like your OB/GYN! (I like her, too, from what you’ve told us)
Thanks for keeping us all updated. Not that we’re entitled to updates. Just, you know. In your corner, hoping everything turns out.
Toasties, I got a job! Actual work vaguely related to other things I do! I survived the dreaded Job Interview (thanks to your kind words in an open thread sometime ago)! The new boss-person writes exceptionally nice emails and Does Not Look Like She Yells And Throws Things.
I will be able to get new glasses! I will be able to afford a burger when I finally visit ‘murica in March! Wheee!
Congratulations!!!!! Glasses are wonderful and so are jobs with bosses who are nice! Be sure to tell us about the new specs once you’ve got them!
Thaaaanks
I was getting worried, because my old glasses are kind of brittle these days, and a few years ago similar ones just basically broke in the middle while I was wearing them. Glasses are really expensive around here so it would’ve been bad if something would’ve happened to them while I was sad and jobless…
I don’t know if this is possible where you live but have you seen zennioptical.com for glasses? I’ve been wearing $30 glasses (literally, $20, total) ever since I found out about them and I have no regrets.
I just passed my first Microsoft certification exam and I FEEL INVINCIBLE
So invincible, in fact, that I am eating Chipotle carnitas.
FIGHT ME AND MY NERD CREDENTIALS, E. COLI
smart AND fearless. you’re going places!
Hi Toasties,
oh boy this is late! early open thread is crazy.
I have turned in the PhD application. This is real. I should have waited a day, my old advisor said I should have cut things, but it’s too late now. I’m just waiting for now.
I am completely unprepared for Christmas and my favorite aunts are coming tomorrow, my brother and sil are here from Vegas now, and we are supposed to exchange presents that I haven’t bought or made tomorrow.
We are all supposed to go to dinner tonight but I just picked up my little from school with a stomach bug.
I have two harlequin rabbits (Isn’t that the kind gauis balthar was?) that we are going to breed this Spring, if you are near ohio and would like a new baby bunny when you are ready. I have a mini rex available now, he’s a sweetie.
I’m sure there was a ton of stuff I forgot, but life is getting in the way.
Holidays are hard, so everybody be kind to themselves!!!
If you want to amend your writing sample, or CV, or something, contact the department to see if there’s an admissions admin/graduate secretary who manages the applications. Ask them if they will sub out one of your previously-submitted materials. I do this for applicants all the time and the admissions committee never has to know. Good luck!
Yeah, I submitted the full on wrong version of something (I think it was an early very rough draft) and FREAKED out and it ended up totally fine – contacted admin people, they switched it no problem, I got in, everyone lived happily ever.
Oh, I totally will do that! There is still time today!
(DONE! that feels so much better!)
Can you share pictures of your rabbits??? I have two so probably can not get another rabbit but I would love to see them.
um, as soon as I figure out how to host pictures of them? Would getting them on shutterfly make them linkable here?
Today main rabbit caretaker is sick (daughter), and it will be dark in a bit, I’ll try over the weekend, though.
Good luck on the Ph. D applications!! Sending out positive grad school vibes. I’m applying to law school right now myself and dear god nothing is worse than waiting for responses, so I hope your wait is short and painless.
I’m waiting to hear on applications. [Redacted] still hasn’t told me when I’ll hear my decision by. I never have pondered how elastic mid-December can be. This weekend I am planning on creating a meticulous rejected playlist (Hole, The Decemberists, and Blood Orange). I’m fine knowing in future tense that I won’t get it in but I don’t think I’ll be fine in present tense. I don’t like hearing that I’m not good enough.
For any rejections: They are not good enough for *you*. I mean, failing to recognize your worth is a fatal flaw. Why would you want to associate with them? Bullet dodged. Rock on being your badass self.
Did anyone see the NT Live screening of Jane Eyre (or even better see it actually at the National Theatre or in its original incarnation at the Bristol Old Vic)? I saw the NT Live screening on Tuesday and have been dying to talk to someone about it. There were a few things that I wasn’t sure about, but for the most part I REALLY LIKED IT! Would love to hear what others thought.
I really miss living in London, but things like NT Live make it more bearable.
I saw this live at the National Theatre last Saturday afternoon! It was the best thing I’ve seen in years, perhaps ever and I am now re-reading Jane Eyre for the first time in about 20years and also ordering Wide Sargasso Sea from the library. The scene with Bertha singing Crazy in the burnt out house was just incredible.
Ah, I’m so jealous! Yeah, I was smiling and thinking to myself “this is just so great” the whole time I was watching it. I really loved how they gave Bertha a voice through the songs — such an innovative approach to that character. I was also really impressed by how they created a sense of atmosphere with that set — very cool. My one reservation was the man-playing-Pilot-the-dog bit — I found it a little distracting — but I don’t know how else they could have done that. I’m now harassing all my friends in various parts of the world and instructing them to go see it immediately!
Friends! I’ve received word that I’ve been accepted into my dream college and I’m so excited and relieved! I wasn’t even expecting to get word so unusually early. Not only that I made it into the college I wanted, but that I’m finished! No more applications or anxious waiting. I’ve not yet been convinced that skipping through the streets in a dramatic cape and hat announcing the news would be the wrong response.
Nice work! Pop yourself some Martinelli’s and put on that cape and hat, you deserve it.
So I was considering posting in one of the happy threads about how I really haven’t had much pain with the new IUD, and naturally, my body decided “HAHA NOPE.” A bit of agonizing pain in the work day is not fun. But I took a second Aleve, and that seems to have helped. Spontaneous vicious cramps are normal in the first week or so of having an IUD, right?
I also experienced those my first week. I would occasionally feel a twinge of pain in the second week and then everything settled down. Don’t know if you have the copper or the hormonal IUD, but I got my Mirena in April and I haven’t had a period since July and I haven’t even had any PMS symptoms since September!
Same here, I think it took maybe a full month before I stopped getting those random twinges. And actual period cramps are definitely worse for me, but those seem to be tapering off. I got my Mirena in July.
I’ve been using Mirena for 8 years; I’m on my second device. I don’t want to be all doom and gloom, but I had vicious cramps regularly—at least weekly—for a year after the first one and still have them maybe once a month now. Luckily, the cramps are always preceded with an indescribable abdominal tingle feeling—kind of like migraine aura for ladyparts. I’ve learned that I can head off the worst of the viciousness by taking four advil as soon as the tingle starts.
No no, this is good to know. I have a tendency to go, “Okay, but what if something’s REALLY WRONG” at the slightest provocation, so this will help me not freak out in the event of future cramps. I’m using the Paragard.
This is going to get buried in the OT, but I just wanted to share that today is one of the first days I’ve felt super-competent at my new job. I’ve been here about 2.5 months mostly fumbling around with significant hand-holding from my supervisor but I’ve been doing a lot of things correctly and even got a ROCK ON!! from someone who’s work I support. I know there will be lots more days of feeling inadequate so I want to hold on to this. YAY ME!
High five! That is a great feeling!
In light of Frumiosa’s Hamilton recast thread, does anyone want to recast other musicals with members of Hamilton’s original Broadway cast?
I was thinking about this because I was listening to The Last 5 Years while cooking, and reflecting that Jaime’s tongue-in-cheek songs about his Jewishness walk a very fine line of loving deprecation that could be challenging for non-Jewish Jaimes.
And then it hit me. The Last 5 Years recast with Daveed Diggs. So handsome, so cocky, so Yom Kippur but with meat.
With my beautiful Phillppa Soo as Kathy, of course, because I want her to sing all sopranos from now on.
Buried comment for sure but how do fellow Toasts deal with the kind of brain that likes to a) think catastrophically and b) blame oneself, call oneself the worst, etc? I am seeking therapy but need some more immediate strategies, if there are any….
I like the logical conclusion exercise. How likely is this to really happen? And if it beat those odds, what would be the worst result? How might I respond to those results?
Taking each question seriously, really working through the answers calms me. And it proves to the healthier bits of myself that there really is nothing to worry over. Because I just concluded how I would respond. Now I can put away those catastrophic thoughts. I’m done with them.
Similar to what RoseCamelia said, I’m reading a book that presses really hard for facts and specificity in goal-setting, and also in catastrophizing! Follow the evidence without interpretation, because that’s where problems arise, and actively look for evidence that you are okay and doing well, and that nothing is happening that can’t be worked on or overcome. Good luck, I definitely know the discomfort of these feelings.
I got this tip from a therapist who was helping me deal with intrusive thoughts and anxiety: Count down from 322 by 7s. Or any other slightly difficult variation on that theme. Or assign yourself to look around the room for, say, 12 purple things.
The idea is, your spiraling thoughts are not helpful or reality-based and trying to talk yourself out of them usually only makes you cling harder to them, so you just…stop. And you have to do something kind of distracting to stop. You might find you spend a lot of time counting backwards, especially at first, but it’s like breaking a bad habit. (Not a full substitute for therapy or pharma help if you need it, of course, but a good way to get through today.)
I think CBT really helps with this, and a lot of it you could do on your own (or alongside a therapist). Check out “Feeling Good” by David Burns, or look up cognitive distortions.
I found the book “Change Your Brain, Change Your Life” pretty helpful for me to start recognizing my automatic negative thoughts and conclusions for what they were, and learning to talk my way through or out of those thoughts. Over hte past year I’ve found it’s really helped me stop catastrophizing so much because I keep reminding myself that’s what I’m doing, and take a few moments to pause, breathe, calm my body, and then process my thoughts. http://www.amazon.com/Change-Your-Brain-Life-Obse…
Like some comments below have said, walk yourself through the thought process of really, truly considering how likely it is that the bad thing might happen (usually not likely!). You can start changing those negative neural pathways – right now that’s just what your brain is used to, so it’s self reinforcing. It can take time for your subconscious to catch up to your conscious reasoning, but it can definitely happen. Good luck to you and your brain!
http://ncase.me/neurons/ Check this out – it’s a cool interactive explanation of how neurons work in regards to anxiety and negative thoughts, and reprogramming those pathways.
Similar to everyone else, I think a good place to start is with CBT. MoodGYM is a good resource to get started: https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
Things I do in the moment:
Identify if it has been too long since a meal, beverage, or stretch break. If I’ve been ignoring hunger / thirst / physical exhaustion cues long enough, I experience a wave of internalized anger that has little to do with anything other than my body trying to get my attention. If that’s not it, I …
Squish modeling clay. Redirect brain, repeatedly, to the texture of the clay, and whatever I’m making and unmaking.
Write a poem with a bunch of constraints that are on the border of impossible for me: rhyming a four-syllable word, not using the letter “e,” trying to make Ursula the Sea Witch and Diana the Huntress have a mutually intelligible conversation.
Work through a hard crossword puzzle.
Go out for a strenuous walk, preferably on a somewhat hilly path with tricky footing– something that requires most of my attention. Bonus: If there are hills, there will be a view. For me, this burns off some of the nervous energy that keeps the hamster wheel in my head going, while subtly pointing out that not everything sucks.
Getting out of catastrophizing mode, for me, requires doing something that takes so much mental energy I have nothing left for self-recrimination. After I’ve calmed down, which usually takes at least 20 minutes, there are some other things I’ve tried that sometimes work:
Think about my support system. Who’s in it? Who can I talk to about this, if talking would help? What is a thing I can do today or tomorrow to expand or strengthen my support system, or to use it?
Figure out if there’s something I can learn about my self-hate triggers from this event. Is the thing I’m stuck on a new problem? An existing problem? Is there an obvious reason my brain is bringing it up now (e.g., a deadline coming up and a feeling of unpreparedness that I’ve been ignoring)?
Assess how my mood was in the 12-24 hours before the sneaky self-hate spiral. Have I been internally crankier than usual for a while? If so, is there an unresolved situation that might be contributing? Am I actually peeved with someone else I don’t feel “allowed” to be angry with, and it’s getting turned inward? Is there a chance that my depression meds are becoming less effective?
Your mileage may vary! I am one of the people for whom CBT is not very effective, because my brain perceives it as saying, “Your thoughts and emotions are feeding you baloney!,” as opposed to, “Your thoughts and emotions are capable of giving you noise, in addition to signal, and it’s worth finding out which this is.” If you are a person who spent time in your past being gaslit or emotionally audited, I’d like to suggest DBT techniques, which begin with acknowledging the feeling you’re having.
Imagine your best friend were telling you about being in the identical situation — would you call her the worst? would you think she was doomed?
Does anyone have any experience getting non-fancy rings repaired? I have a ring that belonged to my grandmother and is probably from the 40’s or so. It’s just silver, and it originally had two tiny cut hematite chips in it (I assume for the sparkle). The hematite chips have fallen out and been lost and I want new ones put in. Would a regular jeweler work with non-precious stones like that? Do I need to find a specialty jeweler? Or am I just out of luck and I should find something else to go in their place?
I think a regular jeweller would do that. A couple years ago the oddly-shaped stone fell out of a small ring my mom had and she took it in and they put in a replacement stone. I doubt the silver would be a problem, since it’s still a malleable noble metal. If it was like carbon fiber or something I could understand them not being able to work with that, but I bet silver would be fine.
I feel like my jeweller would do that. Everything I’ve taken to them has been gold (wow I’m really on a juicebox roll today) but they seem to do whatever. It probably helps that I keep coming back.
Agreed that a regular independent jeweler that does estate / vintage repair would do that.
I had a regular jeweler replace foil-backed fake garnets in a pendant last year. Worked a treat, cost $45. So I think it should be fine!
This week was so comically awful I couldn’t make verbal sense of it at 8am when the thread was still wee. I will just say that while things got surreal in their wrongness I was very happy to come and check in with The Toast, so thank you all.
I hope the weekend is comically awesome instead!
Attention toast folks: Now is your chance to audition for Hamilton. Put all of those hours you spent learning Guns and Ships to good use!
http://www.backstage.com/casting/hamilton-bway-na…
Signal boost: There’s a screening of nouveau butch classic Stud Life on in London next week.
I am on a beans-on-toast budget but might still try and make it, there’s a Cheryl Dunye film on the bill, too. *ignores screams from bank account*
Toasts, I finished a writing thing that I’d been dragging my feet on for ages, and it feels really good. As someone or other said, it’s not that I love writing, it’s that I love having written. And now I’m full of ideas for fun little palate-cleansing writing projects to jump into next.
Also I’m going with a couple of friends to see Harriet Walter play Henry IV this weekend. Will report back next week!
Henry IV, that looks fun! I just saw Henry V sitting next to a French couple, and I was like, “I wonder if this was their plan for the evening. Am I a monster if I’m not laughing when they’re laughing? Damn, Shakespeare had some good double entendres, but this must be awkward for everyone, right?”
In a nutshell it was wonderful. Do report back though! I haven’t seen IV yet, which is a bit backwards, I know.
Yes, please report! I’d have loved to see it.
A month ago I asked people here about what it’s like being on sertraline, as my partner had just started it. He’s doing really well on it, and thank you all so much for talking me through it. The side effects were pretty much just start-up stuff, and now he’s back to his usual self. When the prescription ran out he missed a couple of days, and that made him realise how different he’s been on it, because he was getting anxiety thoughts he hadn’t had in weeks. So now he knows not to let the prescription run out! I’m so happy that he’s doing better. He’s been doing creative computery stuff, yay.
I’m still trying to make a complaint about my home care agency to the Care Inspectorate. They assigned me a weird guy who said “well you ARE young” when I complained about the agency putting me down by repeatedly calling me young in a document when I was 35, and then he referred to being LGBT as a “lifestyle choice” when I tried to make a complaint about the homophobia and transphobia I’ve experienced. So now I’ve got mental health advocates trying to get hold of his line manager, and he kept on ringing me, letting the phone ring for several minutes on end, once or more per day for a week. Thankfully he’s stopped doing that now. The agency are behaving better, and they’ve sent me a lovely new support worker and are finally organising training the one who can’t cook.
I had to march a friend to Women’s Aid yesterday. They assessed her as “high risk”, 14 on the DASH checklist, by which they mean high risk for being murdered or severely injured. She’s in shock, it turns out that it’s always been bad but it’s been escalating lately and she can’t believe it’s happening. She’s talking about leaving, she hasn’t done it yet, but she knows she has support, places to stay (us, her brother in law) and the WA worker was really helpful.
I keep getting the horrors about it, and when she takes a while to reply on FB messenger (which we have to do so, so carefully, because he keeps grabbing her phone to check on up her and goes through everything), a part of me wonders if he’s killed her.
But I’ve got a nice day planned for my birthday tomorrow, which she’s hopefully going to come to, and I have just been making little chocolates by melting together coconut cream, cocoa powder, agave syrup and ginger (ground and purée), then pouring it into mini heart-shaped silicone moulds. I do this quite often, there’s a batch made from half chocolate and half peanut butter already in the fridge.
Wow. That is a lot of things. Wow. I hope your friend is OK and you get the appropriate helpers and your partner’s meds situation continues being optimal!
I had to be marched. Repeatedly. Nothing anybody said sunk in. And they did try. My girlfriend in WA finally had her mil who worked at the shelter take me to lunch and lay down the truth in no uncertain terms…and it still took me 3 weeks.
It kept me out of jail from false accusations, too.
THANK YOU for being her safety.
I’m so glad you got out. Do you have any tips as to what might work? Should I talk to her about her being at risk of being murdered? I don’t know if she has three weeks. She did make it to my birthday lunch at the pub today, though not for long so we didn’t really get a chance to talk, she had to go to work afterwards. She’d dressed up and put on makeup, and her husband rang while she was there to accuse her of lying about being in a pub. Since he’s obsessed with the idea of her being unfaithful, I’m worried about how he might react to this. A few days ago, he said, “I want to see [put?] you in a coffin.”
Someone suggested that next time she’s over, I suggest to her that she simply stays, we can sort out the stuff she needs (I live in a good area for shops, and I think pharmacies can do emergency prescriptions), and the police can go with her to get her stuff at some point. That might work better than the idea of going home to pack an emergency bag, where she ended up staying up all night worrying and then sleeping for a day and a half. She’s not due to be over until Thursday, and that’s a long time away.
We’re in Scotland, for what it’s worth.
She works, that is a good thing. She has documents saying that others believe he is a threat. (or others do, it’s probably risky for her to have anything). Mine had a keylogger on my computer for who knows how long, so it’s not safe for her to email you or look up help at home.
I would have her talk to her work and tell them what’s going on, and have them know what he looks like so that they can call the police if he shows up. I would have her go to the police and discuss the threat he made against her, so that they have their radar on, and it gives her a better chance of being believed if she needs to call them later. If that wouldn’t be safe for her to do, use your judgement. But there ought to be a way…can she call the police from work so that he can’t find out? Maybe the cop can talk to her there?
I would meet her at the end of her shift (with big strong guys if you think the husband might be there) and just take her home with you. I don’t know if you can plan that ahead or if you’ll need to convince her there, but that is the safest way to do it, with witnesses and support. I would not wait for her to figure it out, she is in danger.
She needs to know that this is happening, the getting out is not optional, but if she does nothing it’s going to be in an ambulance or body bag.
That’s a lot. A lot a lot. Take super extra good care of yourself.
I’m super late because I made myself avoid Open Thread all day while I work on a paper, but if anyone has magical stories in which a beautiful princess PhD student writes a really crappy term paper for her favorite professor whom she idolizes and who, for some reason, thinks she (the princess) is really smart, and the princess somehow recovers from this terrible paper and is still allowed to be the professor’s research assistant over the summer, please send them my way, because It Me. I just totally flaked on this class this semester (the writing part; I did okay with participating in class and reading and such) and I’m writing 25 painful pages of bullshit right now. 🙁
When’s it due? Is there still time to find a perfect lovely dream editor and whip it into shape?
Monday. 🙁 So no.
But this comment did remind me that hey, at least I am a decent writer. The idea behind this paper may not be that good, but as long as I finish it with a few hours to work it over and check for sentence fragments, at least it will sound okay!
Oh you guys. I miss Open Thread so much!! I work a retail job, which means my hours are crazy and intense right now, so maybe i’ll catch up in a few days . . .a few weeks . . . ? This is basically my late and major shout out to all the other retail/customer service Toasties out there, getting through the season. High fives and the beverages of your choice all around!
Oh hello, I work at a hotel. Missed open thread completely. Sigh. High fives to you too!
I remembered a few more things: Tues I went to college boys’ concert 2 hours away, and I cried. 14 years of kid concerts and I started bawling when they played “We Need a Little Christmas”. When I told the HS band director, he said, it was overdue!
Tuesday was the Middle schooler’s concert, Wednesday was the High Schooler’s concert, they all rocked it, and they played Zoot Suit Riot! PLUS my brother and sil from Vegas sat in a high school gym and watched my kids. I am bursting with motherly pride. No motherly anything else, like cleaning, cooking, or holiday prep, but….
The good? news is there was no ex at Tuesday’s concert, I was able to avoid him at Wed’s, but on Thursday he came and sat RIGHT NEXT TO ME and my entire family. So he still can’t resist his stalker assholeness altogether.
I am turning 45 next week and feel very terrified about it. It’s almost 50! That means I’m invisible! I’ll never get laid again! I’m an old lady! and other horrible thoughts that aren’t helpful.
ON the way to family dinner last night I got my brother reading “texts from” and we couldn’t stop laughing in the back of the van.
Hey there fellow mid forties lady!
I wasn’t thrilled about 45 either, but it’s been a great year for me. I hope it is for you too!
God your ex is the fucking worssssssssst. Glad your kiddos are rocking it though! I loved being in band when I was young 🙂
Embrace the magic of 40 something! Old enough to not give a rat’s ass is beautiful and liberating. 🍷
She works, that is a good thing. She has documents saying that others believe he is a threat. (or others do, it's probably risky for her to have anything). Mine had a keylogger on my computer for who knows how long, so it's not safe for her to email you or look up help at home.
I would have her talk to her work and tell them what's going on, and have them know what he looks like so that they can call the police if he shows up. I would have her go to the police and discuss the threat he made against her, so that they have their radar on, and it gives her a better chance of being believed if she needs to call them later. If that wouldn't be safe for her to do, use your judgement. But there ought to be a way…can she call the police from work so that he can't find out? Maybe the cop can talk to her there?
I would meet her at the end of her shift (with big strong guys if you think the husband might be there) and just take her home with you. I don't know if you can plan that ahead or if you'll need to convince her there, but that is the safest way to do it, with witnesses and support. I would not wait for her to figure it out, she is in danger.
She needs to know that this is happening, the getting out is not optional, but if she does nothing it's going to be in an ambulance or body bag.
Do you have a smartphone? If you can schedule texts, schedule a text a day to a different friend. Something stupid. Schedule them to go at times when you could theoretically respond if a conversation happens.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
i grew up eating southern food so cornbread was always plain/savory and treated like normal bread. It was served alongside everything and buttered at the eater’s discretion. i particularly like it with BBQ grilled meats, fried chicken, and chili.
green chilis are a mild pepper that i buy diced and canned. you can buy them fresh, i'm sure, but 1) i'm lazy and 2) i'm accustomed to the flavor & texture of the canned ones.
So late to this thread but my absolute favorite phone game is 1010!. It's like… weird Tetris.
I'm quite late to this (reading OT during my lunch break after it's all over, as one does), and this is certainly a formal look, but I love the dresses from Self Portrait (you can find on Net-A-Porter, Asos, and some other swanky department stores) and if I were having what you describe, they might be my top pick for formality/cut (no floof)/look/and price 🙂
Good luck in your search!
riiiiiiight? I had a nerve-wracking appointment this week, and while I was waiting (and waiting and waiting) in the waiting room, I read Laura's memory of sneaking out to look at the creek, all swollen with rain, and getting pulled into it, and hanging on until she could pull herself out
and I thought "See? At least you aren't going to get sucked into a raging floodwater. You're fiiiiiiiine."