The last thing I saw on Broadway was Hamilton, so it made sense that whatever followed it had to be even more spectacular. “Spectacular” in the sense that it just had to have more explosions and sequins. May I interest you in Lord of the Dance: Dangerous Games?

If you are not in the vicinity of New York, you can recreate the experience of seeing Michael Flatley’s latest by dropping acid and syncing up Pure Moods with the video for B*Witched’s “C’est La Vie.” But if neither of those appeal to you, I’ll just tell you about it.

I have never been to Las Vegas but this seems to be what shows are like there. There is a vague plot. The show begins with a video montage of other, gritty Lord of the Dance performances with a voiceover about how they’ve fought hard to get where they are and didn’t come this far to finish second and are totally gonna beat the kids from Camp Hawkriver in the dance off to save the rec center.

Then there is a…sprite? With a flute? And a bad guy who looks like a goth Borg matador saying he is going to steal the flute. There is also a blonde lady named Saorise and a belly-dancing brunette named Morrighan and the brunette is the evil one because of course she is. And all during this there are CGI backgrounds that look like leftover footage from Charlie the Unicorn. Did you know there is an actual Lord of the Dance? That’s not just a phrase! There is a man who is god of Irish step dancing and the Borg or whatever is trying to steal his magic wrestling belt and also break a flute. There is one part where a bunch of ladies dance in black sequin bras and then a bunch of men dance shirtless with little newsboy caps so truly there is something for everyone.

We wound up getting far better seats than we originally paid for because the show was nowhere close to sold out. It made me sad for a second. Like any #90skid I remember the fervor over Riverdance, and though I never quite understood it, it can’t be fun to go from sold out shows to a half-full theater. Though I’m sure Michael Flatley can cry himself to sleep on his bed of money and snazzy shoes.

Speaking of Michael Flatley, he made an appearance and oh boy was it uncomfortable! He danced with the entire company at the end, but did this thing where he’d stop to sort of shadow box across the stage, and then would go through these people all dancing very specifically and exactingly behind him and start grabbing the girls?? At one point there were two female fiddle players and he got behind one and started grinding with her as she was just trying to do her dang job!

Oh my god you can watch the whole thing, just do that.