Reasons I Believe Nick Jonas’ “Jealous” Is A Great Lesbian Anthem

by Mallory Ortberg · January 5, 2016

1. Because the glass escalator apparently also applies to gay music, I guess.

2. There’s a pervasive alt-dyke juvenile-butch-delinquent atmosphere that’s apparent from the first shot that I can’t quite define, but I know it when I see it. How is this:

Screen Shot 2016-01-04 at 4.29.00 PM

qualitatively different from this?

nick2

It isn’t, is how.

3. “I don’t like the way he’s looking at you.” Like me that time in 2009 when I got thrown out of a bar in Pasadena for trying to fight the security guard I thought was trying to hit on my girlfriend in front of me (he wasn’t), the narrator resents the encroachment of the default possessive male gaze, and also doesn’t trust Jamie as much as I should have.

4. He’s wearing some kind of unnecessary metal bracelet that isn’t a watch, which is only one step removed from a leather wrist-cuff, which is one step removed from lesbianism.

5. While we’re on the subject, Ryan Atwood from The O.C. was a lesbian. I don’t have time to explain it right now, but he was. Write me a letter if you want me to tell you the full story.

6. “Nick Jonas” is a drag king name. Ray-Bans are drag king sunglasses. Leather jackets are drag king jackets. The James Dean aesthetic is entirely lesbian.

7. How is this:

Screen Shot 2016-01-04 at 4.47.43 PM

qualitatively different from this?

nick2

It isn’t, is how. This is just a gender-flipped Jane Russell poolside number.

8. This is a one-man drag-show revue! Every butch artefact of he-man culture from the last century is here. Throwing punches at sandbags with the words POW! and BAM! written in comics font (and what could possibly be queerer than comics)? Old ladies in Grey Gardens caftans? It’s all here, and it’s all backwards!

9. This hat:

Screen Shot 2016-01-04 at 5.00.49 PM

10. I sound really good and almost butch when I sing along to this song in my car. Thank you for your time.

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


36 Comments

  1. Chesty La Rue +39

    5. While we’re on the subject, Ryan Atwood from The O.C. was a lesbian. I don’t have time to explain it right now, but he was. Write me a letter if you want me to tell you the full story.

    Needs no further explanation, is fact.

  2. ppyajunebug +88

    Mallory you can’t just drop in a theory about how Ryan Atwood was a lesbian and then not explain it to us. Imagine if you had just dropped in a bit about Ron possibly being a time-traveling Dumbledore. WE NEED TO KNOW THESE THINGS.

    2. Unreadaethel +13

      I need to know how that makes him different from Lisa the Male Lesbian from the L-Word.

    1. Alli525 +14

      You’ve been sitting on that gif for a while, haven’t you? A+, seriously, I am in awe.

  4. grumblyqueer +34

    I officially need a montage of Gay-Subplot Wistful Ladyqueers Staring Sadly At Things set to this song.

  6. RudyRed +14

    RE: #9 – I own that hat, so… yes 100% accurate on that one.

    Also why is the word “gratitude” misspelled multiple times in that video?

  7. PacificMidwest +14

    Dear Mallory,

    Regarding point 5, I would very much like the full story. Please and thank you.

    PMW

  11. Unreadaethel +19

    I heard an excellent all-female cover of “My Best Friend’s Girl” at Starbucks, and it was definitely an improvement on the original.

  12. CleverManka +43

    In another life, I am a member of a queer lady One Direction cover band. We don’t dance, but we do play all our own instruments. Imagine this next time you listen to Save Me Tonight or Perfect. I mean come on.

    3. caatness +10

      Your genius makes me sigh happily. I’ll be right next to Alli525, ecstatically shrieking when QueerDirection is due for their second, third, fourth, and fifth encore.

  14. Dean +11

    I think he’s wearing a medical alert bracelet. I know at least one of the Jonas Brothers is diabetic because they were big on diabetes awareness when they were a group, and I’m pretty sure it was Nick. Don’t ask me how I know that.

    1. Kristin +8

      He is the diabetic one! IDK if it’s a medic alert bracelet in the video, but Nick has Type 1 and has talked about having a hard time finding pants that conceal his insulin pump before.

  15. paperbgprincess +9

    The real question here is, what the fuck is chin music and how is he turning it up??

  17. MsNormaDesmond +12

    6. “Nick Jonas” is a drag king name. Ray-Bans are drag king sunglasses. Leather jackets are drag king jackets. The James Dean aesthetic is entirely lesbian.

    This is the truest thing and I love it very much.

  18. brujabella +19

    i feel this the Exact Same Way i feel, with all certainty, that Jessie’s Girl is a lesbian song. that kind of croony yearning and simultaneous self-torment is not for the heterosexuals. no sir