This is supposed to be the baby’s chair. I could kick her out, but she is now 15 pounds, instead of 9 pounds 7oz, and I sense time will take care of this for me (ditto “please don’t crawl under the bed.”)
YES to this profile of BELOVED CHILDREN’S ENTERTAINER RAFFI by Sheila Heti (it is deep and lovely, and she does a great job):
When I said I probably didn’t want kids, he said, “It’s about knowing yourself and being okay with who you are, right? In [the Child Honouring] covenant, there’s a line about, ‘Children are here to learn their own song,’ which means to know who you are and live that way. And I think that’s the greatest gift we can give, not only to ourselves but to each other, because you want to know that the person you met is real. And I want the same from you. I don’t want a performance from you, Sheila. I want to know who this person is, who smiles this way, who laughs this way, who has these interesting thoughts.”
During lunch, Raffi made me feel reassured and understood — and that somehow we were alike. I felt, If we are alike and Raffi is okay, then I am okay, too. When I asked him about his failures and regrets, he said, “You’re going to let yourself down at some point, you’re going to let somebody else down at some point. We’re not perfect creatures. Far from it. That’s what our humanity’s all about. I think failure — I mean, I don’t shun the word. Some things you’re just not going to succeed at, and if you’re okay with failure, you’ll say, ‘Ah, you know what? That just didn’t work. I wonder if I was going at it wrong. Let’s try it another way.’ To gloss over everything you did as glorious — no, maybe it wasn’t, you know? Just be real with it. We are these frail human beings doing the best that we can, and sometimes we’re tested, and sometimes we rise to the challenge, and sometimes we don’t rise so well.”
Our own Mindy Hung wrote about her relationship with The Joy Luck Club:
I thought I was a June when I first read it in university.
Okay, so the book provided me with a way to sort myself—me, and maybe other second-generation readers of Chinese descent. But it must have struck a nerve with a wider population, because Tan’s 1989 novel was wildly successful. The book appeared on public school curricula, and excerpts were used in the SAT. It spawned a movie, for which Tan cowrote the screenplay. There were roles for AT LEAST eight Asian women. Ming Na was June! Rosalind Chao was Rose! In a genius casting move, Andrew McCarthy was Rose’s ex, with echoes of Bland—I mean Blaine, the rich, white milquetoast he played in Pretty In Pink.
People talked about Joy Luck—people talked about it with me. But of course, the book’s popularity was a trap as much as it was a gift, because it meant other people—white people—would classify me along those lines.
They probably thought I was a Waverly.
I agree with Mallory 100%, as a Sleepy Person Who Goes To Bed When She Wants and is not afraid to say “oh, gosh, I feel terrible, but I need to turn in!” despite whatever Miss Manners might say about never kicking out guests:
Q. Time to go?: If I’m hosting a party and there are lingering guests, is it acceptable at some point to say something like, “Well, this was lovely,” and start cleaning up to get people out the door? My partner says that’s rude.
A: The alternative is letting your party guests decide when you get to go to bed, which is surely worse. “This was lovely, thanks for coming, get home safe, see you soon, time for me to go to bed,” are all perfectly polite variations on the same reasonable theme. Letting events end is not rude. Everything ends. Your partner cannot fault you for refusing to host a perpetual-motion party or for the fact that you must sleep and will eventually die.
Mallory frequently comes to stay with me for ten to fourteen days at a stretch, at our very insistent invitation, and I never tire of her, partly because she knows that at about nine pm, my husband and I go to bed, and then she can stay up watching scary online videos until four in the morning in our charming guest room if she wants.
what if rape on game of thrones but too much and for no good reason so they might fix it?
I am very, very pale, and when I was sixteen and an idiot, I indoor-tanned at my gym for a summer, and there probably should have been a law, although I take full responsibility for my bad choices. Also, I look stupid with a tan.
1. Our boss keeps taking holiday gifts meant for the whole office
I work for a small office of 14 employees. Every holiday season, certain companies we deal with, as well as some clients, will send in or bring gifts to the office — things like gift baskets filled with goodies, cookies, thing of that nature. The people who bring the gifts to the office will announce that the gift is for all of us for our hard work, and they are cleary addressed to our company name and staff. But, after they leave, my boss will take the basket into his office and bring it home or re-gift to someone else. This bring down office morale tremendously. Should we say anything to the boss about him taking the gifts?
I don’t care what they do, I’ll watch Channing and Jenna on Celebrity Lip Sync Battle:
“Daniel Holtzclaw, Black Women, and the Myth of Police Protection”:
On his 29th birthday, December 10th, former Oklahoma City Police officer Daniel Holtzclaw, who targeted low income, criminalized Black women and girls for sexual assault while on duty, was found guilty of 18 of the 36 charges brought against him. He now faces up to 263 years in prison when he is formally sentenced next month. His crimes were calculated and monstrous. But as uplifting as it is to hear his vindicated victims sing “Happy Birthday,” I can’t help but feel like the knife stuck six inches into my back has only been pulled out three inches.
Carmella’s human mother, my friend Carrie Frye, wrote a truly wonderful end-of-year piece for The Awl, and I am sorry for quoting so much of it in a chunk, but obviously you will click through and read it:
One Saturday morning this summer, I was sitting on my couch working on my book. It was early. The windows were open, and I could hear my neighbor and her toddler out in their yard playing and singing. Their voices drifted over in a burbly, companionable way, not too loud, not too soft: “If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands (clap clap).”
My book’s a novel, and one thread is set in the late nineteenth-century Arctic. That morning I was reading about Robert Peary, the American who claimed to have reached the North Pole in 1909, the first to ever do so. (Peary rejected Frederick Cook’s claims that Cook was the one who made it there first, in 1908.) Now if they ever issued a series of nineteenth-century Polar explorer trading cards (snow-crusted beards, fur hats; think of the profits!) Peary’s card would be the card I least cared to keep. Short version: He was a dick. Still, I had been in a stir of sympathy for him all that week as I read the accounts of his different expeditions—five in all, the first one in 1886—and sensed how, with each trip, he was growing increasingly desperate and haggard, feeling his chances at glory running out. On one expedition, undertaken when he was forty-two, he traveled for so long and through such intense cold that he lost eight toes to frostbite. EIGHT TOES! Only his little toes were left. He had his feet bandaged up, had his men strap him back to his sledge, and kept going. That is how badly Peary wanted to reach the North Pole.
There’s a part of my brain that can’t experience anything right now—reluctant admiration for a dead explorer, listening to a neighbor and her child playing (if you’re happy… clap clap), exhilarated feelings, sad stripped feelings, whatever—without an accompanying low scampering hum of “what of this can I use for the book, what of this can I use for the book.”
Now that I have two kids AND a puppy I have no idea how I would make it to London for Harry Potter and the Cursed Child but motherfucker, I sure want to.
bring your feels to buzzfeed’s most moving personal essays of the year
THIS IS NOT A GOOD WAY TO TURN DOWN A FEE WAIVER REQUEST. Tressie McMillan Cottom’s take on the situation, also in the piece, is so worth your read, too):
Dan Sandford, director of graduate admissions at Tisch, emailed Jackson to turn down the request. Here’s Sandford’s response in full:
“Please do not take this the wrong way but if $65 is a hardship for you how will you be able to pay the tuition of $60,000? Of course we do provide scholarships but the most we usually offer is $15,000-$20,000. This still leaves a considerable gap. Maybe you should give yourself a year off looking at ways to fund your graduate education. That way, if you apply to a fine school and are offered admission with a good but not complete financial aid package, you will be in a better position to accept it by bringing some resources of your own to the table. Our application fee is quite low compared to our peer schools. We keep it that way on purpose. However, the contribution of each candidate is essential in order for us to meet our expenses. We do not have a separate budget to pull from. If a candidate were not to pay, the department would have to absorb the loss. I apologize that we are unable to provide a fee waiver and hope this does not dampen your resolve to apply to the Arts Politics program.”
Jackson’s response? Posting the email to Twitter, writing, “Please explain.” The tweet has prompted discussion — and perhaps changes at NYU.
There are MANY roundups of The Best Thing I Read This Year, but I liked this one the best, and especially this rec by Kevin Nguyen, because Jazmine’s essay changed how I thought about things, and for the better:
Kevin Nguyen, editorial director, Google Play Books: “How Many White People Does it Take to Ruin a Good Joke?” by Jazmine Hughes, The New Republic
Jazmine has written a lot of my favorite pieces in 2015, but the one I keep going back to is “How Many White People Does It Take to Ruin a Good Joke?”Like Jazmine, I’ve long been a fan of making jokes about white people. Every POC experience is different, but perhaps the universal thing we can all relate to is that white people are constantly reminding us that we are not like them. The way this manifests itself is usually in well-intentioned-but-othering interactions, so jokes about white people are a great inversion on that feeling. But Jazmine explains it better than I can: “[W]hat most white-people jokes have in common is that they are not about white people per se. Instead, they are about inequalities between whites and other races.”
Which was great until white people started appropriating them. Is it the natural impulse of white people to colonize everything that belongs to people of color, even our jokes about white people?
Jazmine’s piece—patient, smart, painfully funny—deconstructs just why this phenomenon is so annoying, and touches on its more insidious implications. (“[W]hen a white person tells any white-people joke, the humor can go from subverting whites’ status to rubbing it in.”)
nbd but my little cousin Liam was on Murdoch Mysteries last night, he’s one of the choirboys singing “I Saw Three Ships” (the cutest one, obvi) in this clip, it starts about thirty seconds in
I am not going to be doing a big wrap-up post about what I learned this year, but if I have any advice, it’s that this was the year I started asking “Wait, Am I The Asshole Here?” whenever I find myself in a conflict, and it is really useful and often illuminating. I can think of a handful of things I really fucked up this year (I am sure there are dozens more), and asking that question helped me move through to the Briefly Writhing Shamefully and Learning and Growing and Apologizing phase a lot quicker than I would have otherwise. What have you learned?
I hate to go off-topic here, but I have something of a minor problem. I know there are both Baltimorean people and cat-enjoying people here, and if there’s any chance the Venn diagram might work out, I’ve got to ask…
A rather lovely (and loving) orange feline has shown up in our West Baltimore neighborhood over the past few weeks. He’s a male, unneutered, domestic longhair who seriously enjoys being paid attention to. No collar, no chip, and our neighborhood group has not been able to find any indication of an owner. He’s been living rough but isn’t in terrible shape besides some bug bites. (We flea-treated him, which should help with that.) He hasn’t seen a vet.
Unfortunately, we have an eight-week old offspring, so this is not the time for us to bring him into our lives – but if it were a different time, we would do so in a heartbeat. Seriously, he’s a very sweet cat who deserves a very loving home. And we’re driving to upstate New York tomorrow, so we really need to figure something out today. Anyone able to help with some cotching?
I’m a Baltimorean but I have two cats and no room for a third. 🙁 I will try to signalboost though!
ETA: if you can do the BARCS route though, please do! I also got my V cat (aka Boy cat, aka Black Cat) there. Let us know!
Crap, we are LEAVING from upstate NY tomorrow, otherwise I’d say just bring him here. Poor pumpkin.
It sounds like we have no less than three neighbors who are trying to figure out how to take the ridiculous beastie in, so I think we’ll be able to avoid sending him to a shelter. Here’s hoping!
I am *really* hoping the Harry P play gets broadcast to cinemas.
It definitely will be, they won’t miss out on all of the extra revenue from the tickets or DVD sales!
Oh, for once capitalism gives me hope.
And since JKR’s getting a cut, and she donates to good charities, I won’t feel too bad about participating in the system!
So I just found out that Channing Tatum is married to his costar from Step Up. I think my heart grew three sizes
She’s on Supergirl as Lois Lane’s younger sister!
If only I had time to add another TV show to my schedule.
Supergirl is 100% worth it.
Her?!
I’m flying home for Christmas tonight, so probably won’t be dropping in again this week, so Merry Christmas (And Merry other holidays as appropriate) Toast!
I’m trying to come up with a new stuffing recipe for Christmas dinner and I need some ideas, anyone? Whats you’re favorite (preferably vegetarian) stuffing?
I always make a few different stuffing loaves, I like the standard sage and onion, but I like to live a little and experiment! A regular favorite is tomato and herb (just use tinned tomatoes for your wet binding ingredient) and date and walnut went over very well last year.
I’m thinking maybe butter nut squash this year; but I’m wondering if I should roast it first and mash it up, or chop it into chunks and cook? Butter nut squash, walnuts, breadcrumbs and water or an egg I’m thinking should do it!
Chunks of squash or yam roasted for yummy brown edges? Sounds like a. Great combo. Safe travels.
I don’t actually like stuffing, but somehow ended up in charge of it for years, and so I tried to develop something somewhat edible. My best effort contained lots of fancy mushrooms (chanterelles and shiitakes I think? But regular or semi-fancy would do as well), celery, water chestnuts, and onions, with a variety of herbs.
I have an excellent wild rice stuffing recipe that, if you use veg broth instead of chicken, is excellent vegetarian stuffing. It is at home, tho, so let me know if you are interested and I will try to come back here later today.
Oh wild rice! I was thinking about adding a grain of some kind, maybe quinoa, I’ll have to have a look at rice
If you like spice I’ve had a version of this and it was delicious http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/sout…
My worry with the butternut squash is that it might be too liquidy so factor in more dry ingredients or extra cooking time depending on how you like your stuffing (I love have a crunchy crust on top and not too mushy for the rest).
For non vegetarian options I love love love stuffing with apple, sausage and sage. The key is to use a dry variety of apple like granny smith.
Yes I was thinking I could probably use mashed squash as the binding ingredient on its own depending how liquidy it gets after roasting (I too love crunch crust!)
It sounds really good (i do love butternut squash), best of luck and do report back on how it turns out!!
I will! I’m even thinking of roasting the stuffing in the empty squash skin, think of the instagram!
(I say this now, Christmas eve is going to come and I’ll just grab whatever and chuck it in a bowl with some breadcrumbs and hope for the best.)
I made this on Thanksgiving and it was delicious, but did take a longass time to make: http://www.wholefoodsmarket.com/recipe/cornbread-…
I read a lot of young adult books (because teaching) and there are two quotes that stuck and felt applicable this year:
“We all overcometh the world” – RJ Palacio, Wonder
“Everyone has their own agenda.” – Sharon Creech, Walk Two Moons
I love that Creech line, especially the fact that it is followed (if my memory serves) by the two kids discussing whether it’s a veiled reference to their dad not being prepared for meetings at work.
Yes! Kids misunderstanding idioms/sayings is one of my favorite parts of teaching.
Given, it’s a quote from a quote in the book, but hitting home right now: “Be Patient and Tough; Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You.” (From Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You by Peter Cameron. I’m ignoring a stack of new books on my desk to reread this one for the fourth-ish time.)
That’s a quote from a Latin poem that the main character loves, IIRC, which made it even better to me.
But you will still be doing the sage and onion, right? Sage and onion ftw!
I need to try to recreate this straight out of memory this year. I recall:
-cube white bread
-sautee onions in butter (best smell in the world)
-mix onions, bread, sage and marjoram
-put it all in a covered terrine in the oven BESIDE the bird (because in the bird is a good way to get sick – so spaketh my mother)
-every time you baste the bird, put a squish of bird juice in the terrine
Sounds good to me! Stuffing is the easiest thing, its basically breadcrumbs + flavour + wet, mix and roast.
I agree with cooking stuffing in a tin on its own, not in the bird (I think the reason for for this is because stuffing the bird changes its weight and thus changes the cooking times, which means its very easy to undercook the bird!), I also do this because I usually make a vegetarian stuffing because my mum is mostly veggie, and I prefer the crispy edges that you get (it can be a bit soggy cooked in the meat)
There is another reason not to stuff the bird directly, and that is known in our family as The Year Mom Lost Her Press-On Nails in the Turkey.
Oh, man! That’s a new twist on a King Cake! Did the person who found it win a prize?
I know that the excitement from Miss Universe has died down, and was mostly about Steve Harvey anyway, but one thing that I always like about this contest is writer Genevieve Valentine’s rundown of the Cultural Costume part of the competition, so here it is, I recommend you both read and enjoy it:
http://www.genevievevalentine.com/2015/12/miss-un…
Tom and Lorenzo have the most hilarious take on the Miss Universe costumes. Here’s Part 1:
http://tomandlorenzo.com/2015/12/miss-universe-20…
Disagree that it is the most hilarious, but everyone is going to have their preferences in life, and that is okay.
Oh Christ I LOVE the Cultural Costumes so much and this is always one of my favorite Internet times of the year and that writeup was fantastic.
Most impressive wingspan and Battle Staff:
Though let’s be clear that this previous costume (from the USA, CLEARLY) is still the best Cultural Costume of all time:
With respect friend, I think you may be forgetting Canada’s costume from last year, which could not possibly be both more and less Canadian:
LOOK HOW MANY POINTS THEY GAVE TO THE OPPOSING TEAM
I thought they gave the opposing team that many points so it would say “2014”? Unless that’s the joke in which case hahahaha I love humor as well.
Oh, maybe that’s it, and I just didn’t notice because the clock is in between them. Those are awfully high scores for a hockey game.
yeah I think they were probably not going to be assholes and make the score 50-0 or something so they went with the year. O, Canada.
…Okay, point granted.
(As well as polite points granted to the opposing team!!)
Oh my god, that is absolutely incredible. And she’s really pulling it off, too.
I would really like to see some kind of fan-fiction though where the Miss Universes with wizard staffs are actual wizards and get together for some kind of wizard convention or something.
Fuck, I wanna play a full-fledged JRPG or BioWare RPG with these ladies as companions.
Thank you for this.
Thank you for this, it was spectacular. Nicaragua’s dress made people on a railway platform wonder what I was laughing at. Like model villages, Mummers plays or NORAD tracking Santa, it makes me happy that we live in a civilisation that do this kind of silliness.
I know you might *think* that problem will take of itself, but she is still gonna crawl under the bed until her big butt gets her stuck under there, and even after that, because dogs are silly like that.
SO excited for the Tatums on Lip Sync battle. You know it’s gonna be good cuz they’re both dancers. Although every time I see Jenna on Supergirl, I’m like, “I STILL MISS YOU SO MUCH, WITCHES OF EAST END!!!’
OH MY GOD, THAT SHOW WAS A GLORIOUS TRAINWRECK.
Why did it have to get canceled?
Agreed – just google “big dogs in small beds” and take a look at your future…
My parents’ dog still crawls under the ottoman in the living room. This worked well when he was a puppy, but now that he’s a full-grown Labrador retriever his nose sticks out one end, his tail out the back and his feets out the side.
Our old dog once tried to hide from getting a bath by hiding behind a laundry basket, but its location and his size meant it was more like the toddler logic of “You can’t see me if I can’t see you.”
My old dog definitely got himself stuck under my parents couch on multiple occasions. Little guy never learned.
When I got my kitten a few years ago my bigger dog, 65lbs shep mix, assumed the cat bed I brought home was for him. He barely fit his but into and looked at me like I betrayed him by buying a bed he couldn’t fit in. He did the same thing when I bought one of those leather poufs for the living room, although he almost fell off that.
It’s nice that the GOT dudes have finally learned that they’ve gone rape-crazy and want to tone it down but considering that they didn’t even realize that that one Jaime/Cersei scene was a rape I don’t hold out much hope.
RIGHT? I’ll believe it when I see it. These are the dudes so tone deaf they invented the concept of “background rape”.
I appreciate the article following their “Hey, we executed that rape scene really tastefully! The complaints were just about the concept, not the execution” claim with “By the way, the complaints were definitely all about the execution,” though.
Yeah, the headline definitely made much optimism for me until I hit that quote. NEVERMIND, clearly they haven’t learned anything, and I’m still going to have to spend all spring hiding from the show.
Man, I’m glad they’ve said something, but honestly, I’ll believe it when I see it. This is the same team from which came a director who said Stannis was definitely dead, but showing his death would’ve been too “gratuitous.” But all the rape scene were, you know, “just the way it was back then” in this fantasy world.
(Not to say that GRRM’s world isn’t brutal, but there’s less rape in the books than on the show. Plus they are constantly ADDING sexual violence, never taking it away.)
Yeah, the books have plenty of rape to go around but they also have like a cumulative 2,000 pages of dry historical anecdotes, 1,000 pages describing food, 500 or so describing Tyrion’s struggle with joint pain, etc. so it doesn’t seem as relentless as on the show.
whoa, the books have LESS rape than the show? I had to stop like 60 pages into the second book because all of the rape was making me physically ill. I will never watch this show.
I haven’t counted or anything, but as far as I recall pretty much all of the rape from the books carried over to the show AND the show added more rapes that weren’t even in the books while cutting an enormous amount of non-rape-related material. So percentage-wise, yes, the books are less rapey.
The show has definitely added rape scenes that were never there, from Daenerys’ wedding night to the Jaime/Cersei scene to what nearly happened to Sansa after Ned was killed (which was gratuitous too, even if the rape itself was unsuccessful).
To be fair though, GRRM’s version of Daenerys’s wedding night is only not-rape if you accept that in Westeros 13-year-olds can give consent. That was one instance in which I thought making it explicitly rape was actually better because GRRM tried to depict it as this beautiful night of lovemaking but… no. She was a child.
I was so weirded out by the ages of all the younger characters that I decided halfway through the first book that years are longer in Westeros. (And then I decided halfway through the second book that I didn’t care about any of the characters and quit reading. I refuse to watch the show.)
I think they also wanted to avoid the weird inconsistency of the book, where on Dany’s wedding night Drogo at the very least seems to give half a shit about arousing her, but then immediately afterwards switches to violent nightly rape to the point that she contemplates suicide. Which is something that people tend to forget when comparing show vs. TV.
I absolutely get that, but…I still really prefer the version where she’s aroused and willing than the one where she’s crying throughout and he never gave a fuck or asked “No?”
I mean, if the sex scene with a 13-year-old was going to happen, I want the first version. That’s just my perspective as a reader/consumer of a lot of rough entertainment. But neither do I want a popular representation that feeds into rape culture — and I can imagine audiences that get off on the show version as well — it’s brutal any way you look at it.
I don’t think GRRM glamorized it too much, in the end, given how he described what the following weeks were like for her, how hard they were for her before she began to adjust. As I recall, rape was implied, it’s just the first night wasn’t as traumatic as the one in the show.
In terms of what I actually want for Daenerys as a character, obviously the book version is better, but in terms of the message it sends to the world I’m more comfortable with “This dude raped his wife on their wedding night and it was horrible” than “Sometimes 13-year-olds really enjoy sex with grown men and that’s cool.”
YES, I get conflicted on that point too. I get why they couldn’t show the book version on TV, but…I really didn’t want them to show what they did. An earlier scene cut would have been great.
They could keep the scene the same as it was in the books and it wouldn’t send any messages about 13-year-olds because Daenerys isn’t 13 in the show. They aged up her character to begin with so they had plenty of alternatives that could still show her struggling to adjust without rape.
I don’t know if “this dude raped his wife on their wedding night and it was horrible” was something people got from the show anyway. I ran into several debates about whether it was rape or just rough sex and so many people who watched the show still thought Drogo was a great husband.
According to to one of the commentaries, the actors were more comfortable playing it as a rape because they read the scene in the books as 13-year-old Dany seducing Drogo. How they got that impression I don’t know–if anything it’s the other way around (although someone observed that he seemed to be treating her like a nervous horse, and since then that’s how I’ve seen it). Then again, that could have just been D and D trying to avoid taking responsibility for their questionable creative decisions.
Oh dammit, I scrolled too far. The comment at the top right now starts with “1. Anybody who confuses somone’s position on the rape in this show with their attitude towards rape in general needs to take a step back.” I dunno, listmaker, maybe the person passionately defending the need for their entertainment to include rape can take a step back. Possibly while standing at the edge of something? Just throwing that in there.
I had to stop watching it because of all the rape. And I have had too many conversations with guys who defend the gratuitous sexual violence when I say that’s why I stopped watching. First of all – if I said, “murder really upsets me, I don’t want to watch a bunch of murders,” I have the distinct feeling they would not be so quick to try and explain (read:manspain) to me that I am being absurd.
Went on a date with a dude last Wednesday, and GOT came up. He asked me if I watched, and I said no. Just left it at that, tried not to get TOO real on a first date. When he pressed me to reveal why, I gave in and said, yep, too much sexual violence. Once-a-f*cking-gain, he thoughtfully told me how it represents reality, violence is real, blah blah blah. UGH. If the violence was directed at THEM and it was in a sexual manner, I’m about 10000% sure they wouldn’t be so apt to have it in all their media.
Anyways, that was the first and last time i went out with him. Dumbass.
My parents usually just go to bed and let my brother and I deal with the lingering guests (who are typically our 20 something friends, to be fair).
Unrelated, my office is so quiet right now (a graduate school two days before the break) but the co-workers who are here keep walking around talking about how quiet it is and oh my god you are ruining it. .
Hello, we work in the same place. I want to communicate with my grad students by email, and everyone else can leave me alone pls thnx.
I frequently (or perhaps always) go to bed and leave my husband with the stragglers.
I never have people over anymore, but when I was younger my system was to stand up and say “Well, I’m going to bed. This was fun! Lock the door after you please.” And then I went to my room and shut the door. Worked pretty well, actually. Very rarely found people still hanging out in my living room when I woke the next day.
Please tell me about the times you did wake to find people still hanging out in your living room.
Usually they were just watching my DVDs, and were interested in going out for breakfast if I was up for it? Some of these were the type of dirtbag friends that would happily have lived on my couch forever had I allowed it.
Yeah, I’ve never really felt bad just being like “I’m tired and heading to bed now” and people then usually get ready to leave, or continue to hang out with a roommate if one of them is still up/around. No one’s ever seemed to find it rude.
Some people need to make noise to fill the gap. Perhaps they need to reassure themselves that they still exist, or fear they might start thinking.
A friend of mine, at the end of every party, will say, “ok, I love you guys, but get the fuck out.”
I think that’s actually a pretty good way to handle it.
I am not going to be doing a big wrap-up post about what I learned this year, but if I have any advice, it’s that this was the year I started asking “Wait, Am I The Asshole Here?” whenever I find myself in a conflict, and it is really useful and often illuminating.
You know, this is really good and often useful advice, but lately I have been asking the opposite question — like, I generally assume that when there is a problem with friends and/or relationships that it’s me being an asshole or some kind of Martian robot who does not understand your hu-man ways, but I have been struggling recently with the possibility that the reason I keep feeling bad isn’t because I’m doing something wrong, and I got to figure out my way around it.
Both questions are good questions, healthy living is suspended in the balance between extremes, &c &c &c
Yes yes yes, I relate to this quite a lot. As, I suspect, do most people who were raised by a person who was never wrong.
oh yes. yes yes yes.
Of course, not everyone raised by a person who was never wrong goes this way— some people default to the other direction. And some people swing wildly between the two unfortunate extremes.
Yeah, this was the year that I started saying “Wait, I’m Right You Asshole” at work. (Well, not *literally*, but you know…)
Mmhm. I have recently come around from “maybe I don’t have all the facts here and should defer to you” to “Yknow what? I have enough and can at LEAST ask pointed questions.”
Precisely!
I like how you phrased that – and I always appreciate when someone brings their knowledge and asks pointed questions of me.
For a while I was mentally prefacing a lot of things I said to my coworker, and sometimes my boss, with ‘first of all, you’re an ass.’ Then I realized I was going to slip up and it out loud eventually so I mostly stopped. Mostly, the bro-ness is strong in this office.
This is also me. I was taught that anytime there is a conflict, I am always wrong / an asshole and it is always my job to apologize and change my behavior. It’s a hard habit to break.
Yeah, my entire life is an unbroken string Sorry So Sorry I’m The Asshole I’m Always The Asshole. If asking Am I The Asshole is something you had to learn to do, you probably need to be doing it. But my life would be 100% better if about 75% of my reflex reactions could miraculously short circuit to Maybe YOU’RE The Asshole, Hmm?
I kind of feel like I’ve always done this. Whenever there’s a work or relationship conflict, I try to bounce the situation off of friends to confirm I’m being fair or reasonable. I think I used to assume other people did this too until I encountered situation after situation of people not being reasonable and though things like “man, if he had discussed that with anyone he would probably have heard a dissenting opinion on how right he was” (yes, “he” was chosen there for a reason).
I do this too – I call them my chorus. Plus, it’s validating to hear, “nope, if you’re presenting this factually, you most certainly were not being an asshole.”
A nice side effect of this technique is that when a recent ex was hardcore gaslighting me, before I even got to the point of presenting the situation to my friends I was able to imagine their response. “Hmmm, when I tell <insert literally any friend I have> about this, what’s the likelihood they agree with him that I’m being irrational and immature vs telling me he’s being abusive and manipulative and I should peace the fuck out of this relationship forever.” Turns out my assumptions were correct when I actually did tell them about it.
Nicole, can so relate to “Wait, Am I The Asshole Here?”, I have had some situations where I have felt stirred/triggered/ugh and realized, oh, the common denominator is meeeee. Not so comfortable but helpful?
Sansa is precious and a gift and I am fully enjoying these updates. Do miss you on Twitter though!!
I have a tendency to fight fire with fire so I tend to be AN asshole in any conflict. Then it becomes a chicken egg argument. Best just to be a hermit with cats.
Same here. I call it the Iron Rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, until they cross you. Then you do unto others as they do unto you.
To fans of Anne Helen Peterson’s fabulous “Scandals of Classic Hollywood” on the Hairpin: I just discovered the podcast “You Must Remember This”. It ticks the same fascinating old-timey gossip and glamour buttons (without some of AHP’s humour, but we can’t have everything!
Highly recommended!
I love that podcast, her series on the Manson murders was genuinely so interesting, and I’m not usually a true crime fan or anything like that. She just has so much knowledge, I felt like I was actually learning things beyond just “murder cult, amirite?”. But every time I told somebody “I’m listening to a podcast series about the Manson murders!! It’s so good!” I would get seriously side-eyed.
I JUST started the Manson series this morning, but the whole podcast is very very good. The Liz Taylor and Marlene Dietrich episodes ahve been highlights for me.
I just downloaded the Liz Taylor episode!!
I just finished up all the old episodes while recovering from surgery. I can also highly recommend the Montgomery Clift (featuring Liz Taylor!) and Gene Tierney episodes!
The Manson murders series was one of my favorite pieces of culture from this whole year. So smart and nuanced, and I loved how she highlighted that the culture that allowed Manson to form this weird cult also enabled Polanski’s sexual assault of a child.
Also, the episode about Elizabeth Taylor at MGM just fed into my weird childhood obsession with the whole Liz Taylor-Eddie Fisher-Debbie Reynolds thing.
If you liked the Manson season, I would also recommend Manson: The Life and Times of Charles Manson, which came out this past year. I found it similarly nuanced and compelling in a way that Helter Skelter just wasn’t for me. Possibly this is the difference between nonfiction by a lawyer and nonfiction by an investigative journalist.
I spent WEEKS trying to get people to listen to this series. It was fascinating, and I loved that she took her time to discuss the side-players and not just Manson.
I love You Must Remember This, I think it strikes the right balance between being educational and nuanced and also recognising that you want gossip right? Loved the recent one about judy garland and mickey Rooney.
LESS RAPE ON GAME OF THRONES, PLEASE! Especially when it comes to Ramsay Bolton! I know the show really wants to make sexualized violence his thing, but book Ramsay Bolton is terrifying too, even without it. He locked lady Hornwood in tower with no food, and she ate her fingers!
I curse you for putting that image in my mind.
It’s unfortunstely an image that stays seared in your mind forever. When that’s the first thing you learn about a character, you say “oh shit, this dude does not fuck around”
It’s also insinuated that he flayed her fingers and she chewed them off because the pain was too much to bear! EVEN BETTER.
Right??? Ramsay Bolton is a monster. Let’s explore the other horrifying sides of him for a bit and give the sexual torture side a rest.
SPOILERS oh my god, Lady Hornwood’s fingers were my favorite characters.
ALSO, it’s never even explicitly said that he castrated Theon (so I thought that was the show’s own decision, until the discussion came up). And they went ahead and made explicit a lot of the implicit rape.
I always thought that the implication was that he flayed Theon’s dick rather than cut it off? Am I the only one who read it that way?
*hands* I don’t spend too much time thinking about it, to be honest. His fingers and toes are enough. If GRRM doesn’t want to tell us explicitly what happened to Theon’s dick, that is a-okay with me.
He probably flayed it and then cut it off–that’s what he did with Theon’s fingers and toes.
I read this as “ate WITH her fingers” and was very confused about why people were reacting to this comment with such horror. It’s a loss of dignity, yes, but it could be worse! Then I reread it.
This is the year I learned not to look too far in the future, because that’s a good way to start down the pointless spiral of worry. Instead, if I focus on today, today is often a really good day.
I love the phrase “pointless spiral of worry.” Hello, my whole life!
I’m sure your nephew was adorable and luminous, but you cannot make me watch any more Murdoch Mysteries, or as they’ve renamed it in the states, to try and trick me: “The Artful Detective.” Nope.
(In spite of my protestations that Christmas is dead to me this year, I gave my husband the gift of handling gifts for his sister and her family, since the dude has zero grasp of how time works and if I hadn’t taken the reins he would have been trying to overnight stuff tomorrow. Next year this is not happening. I am scheduling a week in November for us to jointly do all the shopping and wrapping and mailing. I am not spending the last two weeks of December in an anxiety fog over family politics and women’s emotional work and gendered children’s toys. I VOW THIS TODAY. Sigh. I am also apparently giving my brother the gift of being less grumpy and decorating and baking, because he can’t afford to get to our parents’ house this year and I feel responsible for everyone’s feelings at all times).
I tried to make Mr LF responsible for his family’s gifts this year. Yesterday, he sent out a box of socks (untagged; recipients will just have to fight it out?) and a Charlie Brown’s Christmas DVD *I* picked up at Walgreens on Sunday, because not only did he not get anything for his nephew, he couldn’t even be bothered to ask me to get something a few hours earlier when I went to Target. All gifts are unwrapped, plopped in a flat rate box.
I feel a little bad, because I know most of them will be getting us much more thoughtful presents, but I have enough to do! Also he will not notice or care that their presents are thoughtful and his are not. I mean, they are perfectly nice socks, but no one wanted socks, you know? Ug.
UGH, men. I would feel so frustrated and tempted to do it myself, just so people got decent gifts.
That is what I’ve been doing for years! I just wanted him to shoulder a tiny part of the holiday burden. They all sent him wishlists too. AND I even sat down with him for an hour a couple weeks ago to “help,” which involved me picking out yoga pants for the sister who wanted yoga pants, etc., and then him saying ‘nah I’ll just get socks. Which socks should I get?’ Ug.
>:(((( That would be so infuriating to me. And my impulse is to get furiously self-righteous and think that all these years he’s been engendering good will for thoughtful gifts that weren’t actually his impulse, and now at least they’ll get an accurate picture of how much effort he puts into them (if his family wasn’t already aware it was you all along).
This is more revealing about my own ungenerous character than advice to you, by the way.
They probably did know it was me, as he was giving terrible gifts his whole life near as I can figure…
Well, good. I just hope they’ll understand why you’re abdicating responsibility this year.
Yeah, that’s the part I’m worried about.
WELL, I don’t know your relationship with your in-laws at all and will pass no judgment, but I am personally of the opinion that it is unreasonable to blame you for ceasing to do your husband’s Christmas gifts for him. Unless they’re going to interpret it as a sign of your marriage status, I don’t know, that would be exhausting.
Ha, I hadn’t even thought to worry about that last part! Mostly I think they might be disappointed to get some socks after five or six years of thoughtful, personal gifts (chosen by me after I realized that he would just go buy a couple picture frames on clearance at TJ Maxx and not even, like, put a picture in them…), and wonder if we don’t like them any more for some reason (we generally give each person one gift from the both of us). They are not terribly materialistic or into huge gifting situations or anything, but they do take time to choose thoughtful gifts for each of us as the occasion warrants.
My desire to make sure people aren’t disappointed is warring with my desire to not do all the damn work any more, basically. (Just hosting this war is exhausting me.)
“My desire to make sure people aren’t disappointed is warring with my desire to not do all the damn work any more, basically. (Just hosting this war is exhausting me.)”
*shakes fist* PATRIARCHYYYYYYYYY
Oh man, my boyfriend (bananakarenin?) is the same way. “My mom just told me she ran out of her Victoria’s Secret lotion (his standard Xmas gift to her for the past 5 years) early this year and already bought herself some! Now what do I do?????” uhhhh i don’t know, she’s your mom, dude. Eventually I took pity on him and told him that she had brought up Adele at Thanksgiving, so why don’t you just get her the new album?
Who happened to be going out with a friend that night, conveniently down the strip from a Target? Oh, yeah, that would be me.
Sigh. Now that I know about emotional labor, I’m very aware of when I’m performing it.
It’s a blessing and a curse, being aware of emotional labor. I definitely start more fights with my husband about it than I used to. Thank goodness we at least have the Toast to vent at!
I sent my parents and brother the link to the enormous Metafilter thread on emotional labor and told them that all I wanted for the holidays was for them to read it and think about how it relates to their role in the world. They haven’t read it yet, not any of it, but I hope they will. I begged them to read at least 20 pages.
Becoming aware of emotional labor is like becoming aware of another way you’ve been exploited your whole life. Almost as big as the “PATRIARCHY!?!” realization.
“Q. Re: Time to go?: When I have a party and there’s music going, I shift the playlist to more mellow, downbeat music to signal guests it’s time to wind things down.
A: Semisonic’s “Closing Time” on repeat also good”
jesusCHRIST, Mallory
I always thought that song was about graduation but it turns out it’s about being born!
Ten Times I Loved You.
Oh.
I started hate-reading it (because i’m bitter about teen love) and was sobbing by the end.
my hearrrrttt
RAFFI. Holy shit, I need to bookmark to read later when I can sob quietly to myself while reading it because few things mark my childhood as much as him. I know for a lot of kids, Mr Rogers was their everything, but for me it was our Raffi tapes. I just…I need to know there’s nothing awful about him in that piece. I couldn’t handle it otherwise.
Also, I am livetweeting that Victorian couple’s book about their lives on Twitter so follow me if you’d like. She’s already compared inaccurate living history events to NAACP events with people in blackface.
Oh no, it’s great, and it makes it clear that Raffi is actually kind of amazing. I only remembered him from when I was eleven and my brother was four and listened to Raffi all the time, so I actually hated him, but now in retrospect that guy is like the Mr. Rogers of kids music.
HOW CAN I READ THIS ARTICLE?
The link is broken for me, and when I google it, I get this which is also broken I cannot read it, how do I read all about Raffi???????? http://www.vulture.com/2015/12/finding-raffi-c-v-…
Go to nymag.com. You’ll find it.
Thank you!!!
Oh good. I couldn’t live if Raffi wasn’t a good person, so now I can go read that piece with joy in my heart.
“This also affected his choice of songs; on his Christmas album, he decided not to include “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” because of the lyric “He knows if you’ve been bad or good.” “I mean, it’s a cute song lyric, but it’s not okay in terms of how we ought to see children. Everybody’s good and bad. It doesn’t mean you don’t get presents at Christmas.””
RAFFI. I KNEW I WAS RIGHT TO LOVE YOU.
My father’s objection to that song is the same, but his explanation gets suspiciously staunch-Lutheran “justification comes only through grace, and I’m deeply offended that this children’s song is trying to sneak works-based salvation into impressionable young minds.” It’s amazing and hilarious.
You will definitely sob quietly. I definitely ended up with tears running down my face.
brb, gonna put Raffi’s Christmas album on again
I am here for the hate read.
I totally had tears by the end. He’s so great. I liked to put him on Rdio (RIP) when my kid was around for songs that we could both enjoy, instead of some kid’s music channel which invariably had some annoying shit. There was only one song I ever had to block of his (It’s a song about everyone having a mom or dad, which is certainly not true and I’m sure it’s from way back when before people really understood about queer parents -although it’s also problematic for single parent families.)____It’s so exciting he has new music! I will buy some! And I’m glad Heti felt bad for dissing Sharon Lois (RIP) and Bram. We saw Sharon & Bram at the Field Trip festival this summer and it was excellent.
I’m verklempt even reading the excerpt Nicole posted! I have it open in a tab to read later after I get some work done this morning, but I have to comment just to say: Raffi! I respect him so much, him and his stance on the immorality of kids’ advertising.
Also, singing “Down By the Bay” to my kid gets her to brush her teeth, it’s an effing miracle.
Your live read is killing me. I want these people to die of grippe.
I’m reading your hateread tweets and ZOMG.
I hope you’re going to Storify that.
I didn’t discover Raffi until I was 32, but his songs still get to me. There’s nothing awful in the piece–the author keeps looking for a sexualized Raffi and totally not finding one, and that feels a little weird. But the only suggestion that Raffi himself did anything wrong is that he sings didactic songs about protecting the environment and saving the world. (Which you probably knew.)
The interview mentions that Justin Trudeau is an old fan, which is predictable. What is less predictable, and not mentioned in the interview, is that Raffi turned part of Jack Layton’s farewell letter into a didactic song about saving the world. I love it and it always makes me cry. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8X58YE4Orrw
Yeah, that angle (looking for a sexualized Raffi) struck me as a little odd. At least as a way to begin the article, as if that were its main point.
Oh, also a Texas Grand Jury returned no indictment in the death of Sandra Bland. I will reiterate that, based on my own experience with depression, it is not necessary to imagine a conspiracy, and that death by suicide is a very reasonable possibility; however I also think that police forces should be investigated extra hard when it comes to civilian deaths, and so I find this situation offensive to democracy and to humanity.
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/12/22/us/grand-jury-f…
That boss is a monster.
Office mutiny is the only answer really.
I’m envisioning ‘9 to 5’ style hijinks, tying up the boss and making him watch while the beleaguered staff polish off every last morsel of those gift baskets.
or someone putting the next gift basket in jello, like on The Office.
Yeah. I have worked for that boss and it is incredibly demoralizing/enraging. Ours collected them in his glassed office and it took weeks for him to finish off the treats.
That might be even worse than regifting.
Everyone is like “dude, on your salary you could have bought your own toblerone bar.”
Such a monster! At my workplace the librarian and deputy librarian received presents explictly addressed to them from the binders we use, and they passed them on to me and the other library assistant as we’re the ones who actually send stuff off for binding. Boss behaviour on this level would probably lead to a riot.
This year was the year I learned to just ask my doctor for the meds I want rather than silently hoping they will just fall from the sky without me doing anything. Consequently this was also a pretty good year!
Go you!
Re. the first question Mallory answers on Dear Prudie, I have two lesbian friends who conceived twice (one baby each) using donated sperm and the turkey baster method. Their male friend came over every day during the week the birth mum-to-be was ovulating, and wanked into a cup and quickly passed it to the ladies, who would go and have sexy times and use the turkey baster on the birth mother. One evening, he was passing the cup and DROPPED IT, spilling the sperm. My friend looked him dead in the eye and said, “Go and do it again.” And he did.
They probably used a syringe, not a turkey baster – that’s kind of an urban legend, and it’s dangerous, a baster can potentially blow air up there, which you do not want. But we (queer ladies with an eye to parenting) do often call it the “turkey baster method” as a joke. But, like, don’t go ahead and ask them unless you’re REALLY close. 🙂
“Leave the badgering to the badgers” ilu Prudie-Mallory.
“Just start out with no dogs and then carry on as usual” is my new go to advice for everyone and no one.
It is basically how I feel when people act as though my choice not to have children is such a big deal. I already have no children! It’s just carrying on as normal! Having children would be a much bigger deal.
Let the bears pay the bear tax; I pay the Homer tax.
That’s the homeowner tax!
Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel….
I went to NYU and I think “shocked but definitely not surprised” is my reaction to that article. They were good to me academically but as an administrative body they leave so much to be desired, especially in the way they treat students & faculty.
The tuition there is $60,000 a year? They were crappy at retaining students when i was there, and the tuition was half that amount.
What a delightfully fluffy fur-baby, Sansa is. (The pup, not the GOT lady!)
I really enjoyed the profile of Raffi overall but really disliked the intro
“I am ashamed to admit this, but the main thing I wondered after meeting Raffi — the beloved children’s entertainer, the one-man Beatles of my childhood and many childhoods — was how often, if ever, he had sex with his grown-up fans. ”
It seemed like a forced effort to do an edgy take on a children’s performer.
Also did anyone else read this article about SPUGs about a coalition of shop girls in the early 1900s ? http://www.slate.com/articles/life/holidays/2012/…
Heti’s work (fiction, theatre) is often oddly stilted like that!
YES. I had a very similar response to that intro. It reminded me of Lena Dunham and I don’t mean that as a compliment.
Here’s the most important/useful thing I learned this year (thanks, therapy!): modelling good behaviour to students/colleagues/friends/loved ones doesn’t work … For example, always showing up on time and not saying anything but hoping people will just realize “Oh, 2for1 always shows up on time, I should do that too because it’s better.” This is true for little things and big, interpersonal things too. I actually told my therapist that this was my approach — showing, not telling — and she deadpanned “So how’s that working out for you?”
So now I’m trying to actually tell people what i want/expect from them, and it’s great.
Here endeth the lesson.
Aw, dang, this is totally my method. (And you’re right!)
What have i learned this year? I have learned to be nicer to myself, because when I freak out it is 95% due to having acute PTSD, not just because I’m some fragile weirdo who can’t deal.
Thabk you for that reminder. Sometimes it’s not helpful to act as if its gone, because if I convince myself its gone then I forget and it blindsides me and I don’t recognize it.
EXACTLY. Me too. Thank you for articulating this.
Good for you. *thumbs up*
Yes. I have also learned to not feel bad about “playing the PTSD card” at other people when they imply or state that I’m a fragile weirdo who can’t deal. I will not suffer in silence for the sake of making assholes comfortable.
That last sentence is a perfect rule for life. Thank you!
So, you guys, the $120 Christmas present I ordered online for my three nieces came over the weekend while I was away from home, and when I got back, it wasn’t on my porch where the Fedex guy says he dropped it off. I’ve asked my neighbors and the workers who were finishing up some stuff on the outside of my condo, and none of them have seen it. So the only conclusion I can come to is that it’s been stolen. Now I’m scrambling to see if I can get a refund AND I have to find a replacement present before tomorrow. It’s not a great day.
Fedex sits on a throne of lies. We lost around $300 worth of merchandise last week, from three different vendors, because Fedex delivered all three boxes to the wrong address. They claimed to have delivered stuff on Wednesday, when we were both home all day. Some neighbors came by on Sunday with one of the boxes, so they clearly delivered our stuff randomly and I guess someone else is enjoying the dog food and candy. So again, FEDEX=LIARS.
I’m sorry they did this to you. It sucks.
I spoke with Fedex and they had the delivery guy run by my place again to double check he’d hit the right front porch, and he claimed he did. I also spoke with all the neighbors and none of them had a package. For once I don’t think it’s Fedex’s fault. Apparently lately there have been a lot of packages stolen from front porches locally.
FedEx is the absolute worst when it comes to receiving packages, redirecting packages, and trying to track down packages if they’ve gone astray. I recently had a package that I’d redirected to a local FedEx office just ride around in my general area for what appeared like 48 hours without being delivered.
FedEx is basically the only delivery company I’ve ever had to ask MULTIPLE times on MULTIPLE occasions, “I just want to know that someone knows where my package is.”
Once I got everything in my address correct except the wrong zip code (off by 1 digit) and I watched that sucker get delivered to the nearest sorting facility and then circle aimlessly, out for delivery and back, over and over, for TWO WEEKS while I tried to get FedEx to edit their delivery info and they kept telling me to contact the seller (who was unresponsive) because they didn’t believe me that 123 XYZ Street in City, State, Wrongzip didn’t exist (even though their drivers had failed to find it every day on delivery going on two weeks now!) but 123 XYZ Street in City, State, Rightzip comes up on Google maps and it’s my address so can you please just delivery me my package. And meanwhile the tracking info just tells me delivery drivers are taking this package out for delivery around and around the city I live in, aimlessly, every day. I did finally contact the seller, a corporation that insisted on recalling the package and sending me a new one instead of just contacting FedEx, but that’s a whole different jar of pickles.
I like telling that story, thanks for giving me an opportunity.
Oh my god my head might have literally exploded in rage and frustration.
A couple things USPS insisted were delivered to us on Saturday were found later, by a supervisor looking at the GPS log, to have actually been left on a neighbor’s porch. Perhpas there’s hope if you escalate? (But also plenty of packages have been stolen from our doorstep; perhaps there is not.) You should be able to get a refund, especially if it’s a large retailer. Good luck with the replacement gift!
Thanks, I was able to get a refund. Hunting down a replacement gift later today!
Seconding KatPruska! I sent flowers to my mom for Mother’s Day one year and Fedex said it was delivered that morning. I was surprised because I had just asked my Dad if it had arrived and he had said no. I called him back and he said nothing had come yet. He then went to check outside the flowers were just sitting in the driveway, not on the front steps or the deck, the middle of the driveway. There was multiple people home the whole day so the delivery person essentially couldn’t be bothered to walk the very short distance to the door.
I know there had also been issues of fedex delivering packages sent to my parents to other neighbors.
Yeah, I’ve had major issues with Fedex in the past, but unfortunately I don’t think I can blame them this time. Luckily, I was able to get a refund with no issues.
I’m glad you were able to get the refund and I hope the hunt for the replacement gift is painless!
BUMMER!!!!!!!
(I have had things stolen from my porch before, it sucks so much, even when it’s not a present for CHILDREN at CHRISTMAS.) People can be so terrible.
Seriously, these dudes are idiots. We’ve seen 3 major female characters be raped onscreen (possibly more, I might be forgetting), and a hell of a lot of minor characters/extras, and it’s meant absolutely nothing (Sansa TBD, I guess). It’s especially galling that none were in the books, and Daenerys’ and Cersei’s were in no way necessary to their plots. The fanboys who who get all up in arms about the rape complaints like, “Well lots of people get MURDERED, isn’t MURDER worse than rape, nobody cares if a man gets MURDERED, this is a brutal world, it’s just how it is” can fuck off right to hell. When a main male character gets murdered, it IS a big deal – it has major implications to the story and characters, whereas not a single one of the explicit or implicit rapes on the show has made a damn bit of difference.
Not to mention all of the additional threats of sexual assault (or actual background rape) they threw in for funsies, e.g. Meera when they got caught at Craster’s during that entire segway from the books. I would mention the time when the NW rebels took over Craster’s too but I think that was in the books too. Blegh.
I always want to yell at them, You know what would be comparable to a man getting murdered? A woman getting murdered. Which happens a ton in this series too! Rape, though, does not have nearly the same kind of gender-parity in GoT. And has no effect on the plot. Which is why we say it’s gratuitous and misogynistic. Mmmmkay?
Ned Stark gets murdered = everybody and their brother/lover goes to war, it takes over the continent, loyalties are tested, political rivalries turn deadly, etc. Sansa Stark gets raped = a man sheds a perfect tear of woe.
Quick update: I have another interview with Awesome Dream Job! I got the email two days after I had my first interview, so I hope that means they like me. I really hope this goes well, I am so ready to have a job and move out of my grandparents’ house (I appreciate their support deeply, but like I said, so ready to move on).
Happy post-solstice, Toasties!
I need advice about manners! I am having Christmas at my boyfriend’s family’s house. They live in town and I have dinner with them fairly often. The mom is a chatty, gracious hostess, while the dad and brother of bf are taciturn, though as a family they are ALL very into Doing Things Right dinner-party-wise (multiple courses, fancy table settings, wine pairings, etc). At every dinner, after we have appetizers, mom disappears into the kitchen to finish cooking dinner, and boyfriend goes to help her (they are long-time fancy cooking buddies). I’ve tried going along with them to help, but it’s a tiny kitchen, they’ve got their routine, and I always feel awkward and in the way. So I’m left at the table with dad and brother, waiting to be fed like a buncha princes. During this time I always try to make conversation, which they answer monosyllabically, and once I run out of things to say we sit in silence. This always lasts about half an hour-45 minutes.
MY QUESTION IS: would it be terrible if I brought a book, and when boyfriend and mom go cooking I cheerfully curled up on the couch to read for a while? If the dad and brother are really so uncomfortable with social interactions this might be a relief for them, whereas if they do want to interact with me maybe they’ll be chastened into doing some of the emotional labor. Or do I risk everyone just thinking I’m super-rude? What would you do?
Don’t bring a book. Bring a card game, or something easy you can teach them, like Fluxx, and try your hardest to rope them in. And if they insist on being stony-faced dicks about it, bring a book next year.
This exactly. My family is the same way and would be a little taken aback if a guest started doing a purposefully solitary activity. Just ask them what they want to do to make it clear you don’t haaaave to sit on the couch making bad conversation.
Bring Guillotine! It’s cheap, you can pick it up at any FLGS, anybody can learn it in five minutes, and a whole game runs 20ish minutes. And it’s not fucking Spoons.
Fucking Spoons.
What does boyfriend think? He may be able to say for sure how the dad and brother would respond. Otherwise I say–you’ve done your best trying to be social, and if they won’t reciprocate, don’t feel too bad about entertaining yourself elsewhere. Alternatively, any chance that you can offer to help out with something not in the kitchen? I don’t really know what that would be, but maybe you could mix some fancy cocktails in the dining room or…something.
I would bring a book IF you have a way to make a natural exit. Like, standing up just to leave and read would be rude, but if you’re already up to put away dishes or refill drinks you can turn that into “welp, dinner’s not for another half hour, I’m going to sit on the nice comfy couch, join me if you like.”
It’s never inappropriate to hide in the bathroom for a bit reading fanfic on your phone (at least I hope not)
I go to bed at 10.
I would go to bed at 10 in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. I don’t care if you are undead keep it down.
I would fall asleep at my own party with my face in the cheese dip at exactly 10 o’clock.
I have been known to fall asleep in nightclubs once it got past my bedtime.
My kind of partying.
Come out with us
No
Yes
No
Come on
No I can’t go out with you in two hours I’ll be crying into your martini and talking about how far it is past my bedtime.
Please?
No I’ll rename your martini “beverage of my sorrows” and laugh at my own jokes half heartedly until I cry again cause I want to go to sleep so bad but I’m not sober enough to drive.
I have paid for so many movies that I’ve ended up sleeping through, back in the days when my husband worked retail and we couldn’t go out until 8 or 9 at night.
I was shocked and horrified my first week of university when the Freshers’ Week bop didn’t even start until 10pm. 10pm! That’s bedtime!
Some friends tried to drag me out to the bar with them recently, on a night when I’d just gotten some academic bad news. They were of the opinion that I shouldn’t be alone, which I appreciated, but it was 10pm (also my bedtime) and I’d already been hanging out (sober) with their drunk selves for 3 hours. I thought I’d handle the Bad Thing better if I went to sleep immediately so I could stop thinking about it. A hot guy offered to throw me over his shoulder and carry me to the bar, which was tempting, but I maintained the No. It has since occurred to me that I should’ve asked him for a rain check.
If the Raffi piece isn’t enough heartwarming nostalgia fuel, may I suggest this short series of interviews with some of the dudes behind Muppet Christmas Carol?
http://www.theguardian.com/culture/2015/dec/21/ho…
Highlight: Michael Caine declaring “I’m going to play this movie like I’m working with the Royal Shakespeare Company.”
YES! The best Christmas Carol adaptation. And a criminally underrated soundtrack- It Feels Like Christmas is so sincere and beautiful.
(Edited to include link!)
I agree. Michael Caine is the quintessential Scrooge to me. My wife and I watch it every year, and it always makes my day. I do find myself missing the “When Love is Gone” song from Christmas Past, though, which was apparently only ever included in the full-screen VHS release (that copy is still at my parents’ house; my own copy is from iTunes).
I didn’t know that! That is the version we still have, but if I’m honest, I actually almost always fast-forward that part. It is a lovely song, but I believe it clocks at about 207 minutes long.
And hooray for all of these people who absolutely love this version. It’s only the Muppets or Alastair Sim for me. George C Scott can pound sand.
This is excellent and it was really affecting to read about how their grieving of Jim Henson influenced the making of the film.
Oh man, you could not possibly have posted a better link for me today. *dives right in*
Oh man, that Mindy Hung piece. I’ve been dealing with some identity issues re: my half-Asian white-passing self lately, and this part hit me hard:
“But it was hard to explain the weight of such a different history to the white kids, teachers, and neighbors who surrounded me. For a long time, I didn’t. Because here’s the thing: when there aren’t a lot of stories about people like you, you don’t have a vocabulary to explain it.”
It’s true: I *don’t* have the vocabulary. Which is a struggle for someone who majored in theatre and creative writing–someone out there has to have the words, right? I should be able to find the words. I’ve started to, but there are a lot still stuck in my throat.
Hopefully 2016 will be the year I can let a few more of them loose.
Hello Toasts, I hope everyone is having a great Tuesday. I’m in Munich with my husband and having a lovely time, p. much buzzed on Glühwein 24/7, BUT I wanted to report that I made my husband listen to the Hamilton cast album and he only got through act 1 and all he would say was that he liked Yorktown best because “it’s about the revolutionary war and not so much about Hamilton’s life.”
Thank FUCK I’m going to the show with a beloved friend and not with him, can you even imagine leaving the theatre all starry-eyes only for your companion to say something like that? I would have to divorce him.
Here to commiserate about husbands who are disdainful of Hamilton! Mine is all “Hamilton was a dick, why would you write a musical starring him, blah blah blah Federalism, I don’t care about hip-hop.” But there is hope! After 2-3 months of me listening to the soundtrack and talking at him about how great it is, he sheepishly admitted this weekend that it has maybe “grown on him” and that when the show comes to Chicago he maybe wouldn’t mind going to see it with me. I cheered inwardly but acted all cool while he was saying it. Baby steps.
Same here. He rolled his eyes every time I queued the soundtrack up but at the beginning of the month, before he left for a monthlong work thing overseas, he plugged his phone into my computer and made sure he loaded up the album.
So, obviously anecdote, but my girlfriend was very blah about Hamilton when I started listening to it – she comes from a family that doesn’t get musicals, her dad got bored during a West End production of Les Mis and walked out, it’s a whole unfortunate thing – but I got us tickets, we got some serendipitous circumstances to get housing in NYC for a weekend, and we went, and basically from the first number she was starry-eyed and we walked out and she raved about it for the entire 40 minute trip back to the hotel and now she sings along with me when I play “Wait For It” and sing-quotes “WERK” whenever the word “work” comes up in conversation, and basically what I am saying is that Hamilton can soften the hardest of hearts.
Really enjoyed that bit of the Merry Rupert Murdoch Christmas Special, thanks for posting.
What does the pin say? All things Twitter are mostly-blocked on my PC. (Text comes through, but not images)
“head girl”
“Anyway, here’s Wonderwall.”
Toasts, this is off-topic but I need to write it somewhere so I’m writing it here:
My dad, who was diagnosed with melanoma in the summer, started slurring his words yesterday, and when my mom called 911 and they hustled him in for a CT scan, they found a 3cmx4cm tumour in his temportal lobe. The cancer has spread to his brain.
He did four rounds of immunotherapy over the last six months and seemed to be doing great—having a beer, still working, being my dad, making every toast “to life”—and now this, three days before Christmas, a month before I’m due with his first grandchild.
I am heartbroken. I do not know what to ask for, or what to say. Please: if you are Toasts who pray, maybe say something for my dad? And if you aren’t, maybe some words to help buoy me and him up?
oh, no, how awful. Hugs to your family, and know that a lot of Toasties will be sending warm thoughts your way over the next days <3
Sending love and strength to you and your family. <3
Many hugs. I am so sorry for this news.
Will do. You and your family are in my thoughts.
This is so hard. Just taken care of yourself, and take my good wishes with you.
That’s awful, I’m so so sorry. I’ll be thinking of you both — holding you in the light, as the Quakers would say.
Sending so much love and strength.
Sending lost of toast prayers & internet hugs your way.
I’m so sorry to hear that, I’ll be thinking of you and your family <3
This is horrible and unfair and I am sorry your family has to go through this.
If it gives you hope, my friend lived with cancer in her brain for three years, with as-needed sessions of targeted radiation surgery? (I forget the name, but it’s like gamma knife or something? basically super targeted location therapy?). So there is still a lot of hope. Depending on the type he has they may be able to shrink this tumor completely.
I will pray for you and your dad, as I am a praying Toastie. The thing you need most right now is strength, and I hope it finds you.
That is so unfair. Will be thinking of you and hoping everything turns out well.
toasthugs for you. I will be thinking of you.
I’ll be keeping good thoughts for the best possible outcome for your dad and as much joy as you can possibly muster at this difficult time.
I’m so sorry to hear about this. You and your family will definitely be in my prayers and thoughts.
I’m so sorry to hear that — saying a prayer for you, your dad, and your family. That’s a hell of a thing to deal with — it’s awful that it would ever happen, but it must feel especially awful that it’s happening now.
I don’t have anything wise to say, but: please be good to yourself.
So many hugs for you and prayers for your dad, and please take care of yourself. <333
I am so sorry. Thinking of you, and hoping things improve.
So sorry, hugs to your whole family 🙁
Oh oh oh. All the hugs you can handle.
My half-brother emailed me a list of books he thought his fourteen-year-old son might want to read and it may possibly be the Esquire list. He asked me to narrow it down to under ten.
I can tell him to forget about most of them and read “Ash”, “The Interpreter of Maladies”, “Sassafras, Cypress and Indigo”, “A Room of One’s Own”, “Americanah” and “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn”, right?
Also if he likes fantasy at all, the Tamora Pierce and Sabriel books involve badass ladies with swords.
Good call! I really like this kid, who is thoughtful and funny (though we’ve only seen each other for a few hours total) and I want to spare him the toxic and narrow thought patterns of so many Important Man Books. *His* life and relationships would be better; he’d have more options.
I don’t know how to tell him this, though. Maybe I could also recommend “David Copperfield” and other books where nephews and aunts have affectionate relationships based on trust? (What are your favorite books about aunts and nephews who get on, Toast? The only other ones I can think of are the Bertie Wooster stories (Aunt Dahlia) and “The Shipping News.”)
Garth Nix’s Abhorsen trilogy has a good aunt/nephew relationship in a roundabout way, plus they’re great books.
I also second the Tamora Pierce recommendation!
I might have to read that myself. Thanks!
I have no helpful suggestions, I just wanted to express my love for David Copperfield.
I’m reading “Americanah” now and MAN, it is some heavy stuff (I’ve just gotten through the part where she can’t get a job in Philadelphia and her spiraling depression). Not saying it isn’t right for your 14-year-old nephew, but I wanted to mention that.
I recommend “The Outsiders” and “Catcher in the Rye” because they ARE really good books about teenage boys, and I still love them as a 27-year-old woman.
I would hesitate to give “Americanah” to a 14 year old, but I may just be projecting. I read it this summer, and my feeling was that I needed to be an adult to understand it.
Or there is my father’s school of parenting/exposure, which is tell/show them EVERYTHING, and let them fill in the blanks as they get older.
Thank you both (Ms_M and redheadedwolf). Good call, both on dialing down the heartbreak and “Catcher in the Rye”- I was a weird fourteen year old and was never a boy in any case and the perspective from other people is very helpful!
Toasties, do you have any advice on how to meet a person where they are? I have a friend I’ve grown apart from, and I’m starting to realize I need to change my expectations on what I’m getting out of our relationship.
I think it depends on how you’ve grown apart? Like is it a “stages of life” thing or a changing viewpoints thing or something else?
Changing viewpoints, mostly. And I feel like I’ve giving more emotionally than I’m getting, and it’s been that way for a while.
I’m so happy to see Mindy Hung’s piece linked here (and feeling smug that I read it first on Toastie Twitter!) I will read pretty much anything about Joy Luck Club–I got into Amy Tan somehow as a teenager, even though a great deal of it was over my head then–but putting it in the framework of “Which one of the four are you?” is very eye-opening.
Also, I throw a lot of parties and I have never had a problem shooing people out of my house when I get tired. There are few things worse than feeling stuck in a social situation when you’re depleted of energy and resources. There are few things better than throwing a great party and going to bed while you still feel good!
For those who need some happy news this morning https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/education/th…
Unfortunately this only works in cities, but I kick people out of my house when I’m tired by suggesting they walk to the bar two blocks away to continue partying. Works like a charm.
So on white people making jokes about being white: is it ok if I joke about how hilariously awkward I am when the very cool black guys I work with try to include me in their Very Cool Things? Like handshakes/hugs, as soon as it goes beyond a conventional handshake I panic and usually freeze. And then we all laugh about how awkward I am.
The equilibrium about how to acknowledge racial differences without perpetuating inequalities is different in every cross-racial relationship I’ve ever had. And based on how you’re describing this, it sounds like you all have figured out ways to be Human Beings together that are working. I think it might become a problem if you become too Michael Scott about it – “HA HA HA REMEMBER THAT ONE FUNNY THING THAT HAPPENED it is now one hundred percent how we will define our relationship to each other forever and ever,” but I imagine you are at least Very Cool enough not to do that.
The article brings us yet again to that question of “what’s different about talking on the internet, where literally everyone on earth is your audience, versus talking to specific humans in specific places”.
OT, but….
it’s 3 days till Christmas. What does my mom ask for for Christmas? A hat and scarf. She knows I’m a knitter, and I can’t possibly PAY for something I can MAKE?! She couldn’t have given me a little more time?
(I love my mom. I’m farming out some of the knitting to my daughter)
The solution is super bulky yarn. I have made this super bulky mobius cowl and it took like 2 hours: http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/bulky-mob…
Hey, some unexpected good news on the gun control front: Virginia to stop recognizing concealed carry gun permits from 25 states
Also, I’ve been listening to “Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812” since Nicole mentioned it last week. Obvious caveat: it’s not Hamilton. But once you get past that, it’s a really fun musical! Catchy songs, amusing lyrics, really nice message at the end of “we may have fucked up, but perhaps there’s still hope for a second chance.”
And it reminded me how much my favorite characters are the ones who are “beautiful, charming, and immoral” (as described in the Wikipedia summary of War and Peace, which the musical is based on, of course). Especially if they are a sibling set who are implied to be sleeping together when they aren’t maliciously fucking up the wholesome protagonist’s life. I root for them at every stage.
Here’s to the health of married women and their lovers!
I just signed up for cat yoga at my local cat cafe on New Year’s day. Gonna start 2016 covered in kitties:
It is good to live in a world where this is a thing!
My coworker was like, “But what if a cat climbs on you when you’re doing a plank?” and I was like, “That would be AMAZING!”
I’ve had this happen. It was not amazing so much as nearly led to bruised ribs when I immediately caved in. THANKS LEMONY
OH MY GOSH
They were offering playtime with actual baskets of kittens a couple weeks ago but I live outside the delivery area. Plus I think my two existing cats would never forgive me.
Eeeeeee! Your post prompted me to check and see if my local cat cafe is doing this, and they ARE! There’s only one class posted so far and it’s full, but it’s good to know it might happen again. And in the meantime they have a bunch of regular kitty-time openings, so I think I know what I’m doing around New Year’s.
I think it’s awesome (and slightly random) that this is a Thing That Happens at Cat Cafes. 😀
I once emailed a professor at my then-40K-per-year prestigious university asking him to take the books from his (required, banal rocks-for-jocks) class from 24-hour-loan to 2-hour loan, because no one needed 24 hours to read the books, there were a lot of them and they were like $40 apiece, and they were required to fill out his lame-ass homework assignments (which would literally be something like, “On page 44, what does author say about rocks? There’s a poem on page 45. I hate poetry, but some of you might like poetry. What do you think this poem means in relationship to rocks?”)
He responded, “if you can’t afford the books, you shouldn’t be taking this class,” looked over my homework assignments (which he had never done before), saw my snarky comments on the homeworks including one calling him a philistine for hating poetry, looked up the word “philistine” in a dictionary, and then tried to kick me out of the class for insulting him.
Reader, I did the fastest about-face of my life, I apologized profusely so that I could stay in this required class, and for the rest of the quarter, I brought my laptop into the bookstore and filled out the homework assignments while sitting in a comfortable chair. But I did not buy a single text for that class, and I am damn proud of that.
What a dick! I am glad you did not contribute to his royalties.
Toasties! TWO of the Rolling Stone Top Ten Music Book sof 2015 are by dear friends of mine (#10, Country Soul, and #1, We Gotta Get Out of This Place) and they are totally worth your time. Music history! Challenging conventional wisdom! Nuanced examinations of race and class relations in the 60s and 70s! Everyone from Otis Redding to Johnny Cash! Check them out!
http://www.rollingstone.com/music/lists/10-best-m…
OT, but do any other nighttime teeth-grinding Toasties have nightguards?
I’m trying to start using mine against after a rough week followed by six months of not using it. When I took it off again this morning I realized I’d forgotten the cleaning instructions so I found the little card they gave me and it says “ALWAYS STORE IN WATER!!”
Uh, okay, that sounds fake though, I said to myself, and googled for verification, and am having trouble turning up any corroborating instructions. All the other dentist websites I’ve seen say to let it air out and dry.
Can anyone tell me how to take care of a mouthguard reliably? Thanks!
I have one, that I rarely use, because it just makes me bite *even harder* (I guess I’m afraid I will swallow it? IDK) and also I think I might be allergic to it. I do not have any instructions anymore, but I do not recall anything like that. I keep mine loose in the nightstand drawer, and scrub it with toothpaste on occasion. (Also the baby takes it out sometimes and tries to feed it to the cat.)
I thought the point was less “preventing biting” and more “preventing damage during inevitable biting.” Sore jaw either way…
I am a super-grinder and have one made of a really hard clear plastic.
I brush it before use (and then run it under hot water before I pop it in because it makes it fit more comfortably), I drop it into a little plastic case when I take it out, and one a week I soak it for 10 minutes in 1 cup of water with 1 teaspoon of bleach added, per my doctor’s instructions. I can’t imagine why you’d need to keep it in water.
(Unsolicited advice time, look away now: if you grind or clench your teeth at night, you really should see a dentist or, if things are bad, a specialist in orofacial pain. I was literally grinding my teeth to nothing and I always had bad headaches from all the muscle stress–thankfully I hadn’t fucked up my jaw joints yet, because that’s apparently harder to fix–and a nice well-fitting hard nightguard (not a soft sports one!) protects my teeth underneath, and lets my jaws slide around instead of locking into each other, and I feel so much better.)
This is a custom-fit hard plastic guard my dentist made for me. I know I should be more consistent about using it–I’ll try the hot-water treatment for it before I put it in tonight and see if that helps the comfort issue.
Good luck! My jaw doctor is a perfectionist about adjusting the fit of mine, so I know there are lots of things that can be done to make it more comfy, but I also know that it can be difficult to get to medical professionals for all kinds of reasons, so best wishes.
I have one, I can’t live without it, because that means crushing headaches when I wake up. If yours doesn’t fit right, you can take it to the dentist and they will grind down any annoying spots. Sometimes our teeth shift over time.
For care: the only thing not to do is take it out of your mouth and leave it to dry all day without washing, it will develop plaque buildup (like your teeth) from the bacteria corpses drying out on there. That is info direct from my dentist. I leave mine in water all day and then scrub with toothpaste right before I put it in. Another option is a quick soak in the morning, scrub and then you can leave it out to dry. For occasional disinfectant, you can use vodka! Alcohol kills bacteria and is safe for consumption, unlike bleach.
I have a (pretty new) hard-outside-slightly-squishy-inside one, and I was told to rinse it in the morning and evening in normal running water, to NOT use my toothbrush on it, and use denture tablets or mouthwash if it ever seemed like the water alone wasn’t cutting it.
At one point, i was just clenching, at some point I moved to grinding. I now use the mouthguard every night in addition to getting botox injections into my powerhouse grinding muscles, because without the botox, the jaw pain gives me a migraine. which causes tension. which makes the grinding worse. (rinse, repeat).
At one point, i tried swimmers nose plug things, in an effort to get me to keep my mouth open in order to breathe, but that did NOT work even a little bit.
I clean mine (hard plastic, for both teeth-grinding and apnea) in a denture tablet soak every day. I did that for about 10 years, then had to get a new one when a new crown made the old one not fit any more.
I am so, so happy that I have reached a point in my life where everyone I’m close to will unquestionably accept my occasional need to fall asleep on a couch in the middle of a party.
Man, Mallory is really pretty awesome: “You can just not have a dog if you don’t feel like taking care of one, it’s very easy to not have a dog. Just start out with no dogs and then carry on as usual.”
This is the year I started, “Wait, I LIKE being the asshole here. Things just go better for everyone when I’m in charge.”
Is it just me or is Mallory finally bringing her Mallory to Dear Prudence? This one was such fun and 600% better than the last Prudie.
In terms of being triggered (w/r/t my anxiety) I've definitely learned that so much more of it is me than I thought. I used to blame much more on the external situation, and try and make conditions as 'perfect' as I could so I wouldn't get triggered anymore, but something would always happen and I would. It's not easy, but I'm slowly becoming able to step back from situations like that and say this is my brain, doing this; this isn't [whatever outside situation] causing this, this is me. And that's actually giving me back a level of control that I didn't realize I could have.
Egg?
You've met her, Dad. So many times.