Cocktail Hour: Open Thread

by The Bartender · January 29, 2016

Eat all the things! Talk of myths and legends and Fiennes. Open thread!

The Bartender knows toast.


1,522 Comments

  1. AliceIsHopeless +19

    Cooking thread? I am making my weekly shopping list and planning my weekend cooking – what are you making?

    In other news I just peed in a jar (for medical reasons, I hope that was obvious) and now I’m waiting for the nurse and hopefully all my weird health stuff is finally going to be sorted out? Please amuse/distract me, I am nervous as.

    1. CleverManka +5

      Oh, good luck! I got an x-ray this morning because apparently I had to get an x-ray before they’ll authorize an MRI? Which seems like kind of a scam, but… I hope things are easily resolvable!

      I “plan” my weekend cooking by whatever vegetables are either on sale or (even better) on the discount shelf at the store. I hope it’s something other than greens this time! I’m about done with carrots and greens at the mo’.

      1. lemonadefish +25

        probly to make sure you aren’t full of mystery metal that will fly out of you by force of magnets, thus ruining both your flesh and the very expensive machine. but possibly only to see if your bones are an amusing shape!

        1. CleverManka +11

          mystery metal that will fly out of you by force of magnets

          I don’t wince at many things, but wow, yeah, that’s not a good image. Good point!

          1. owlbrick +7

            I’ve heard horror stories about mystery metal and MRIs from coworkers. I used to do a lot of metalwork, and it’s made me incredibly wary. Iron filings have a way of working under the skin in fragile places… most potentially damaging, at the eyes. I have no rational reason to fear it particularly, and yet I do. Just imagining some of the rust and particles I may have inadvertently gotten in my eyes while laying on my back under the trailer I was welding 15 years ago coming back to haunt me gives me chills.

          3. popelizbet +6

            If it makes you feel any better, that is specifically on the checklist for MRIs at my imaging place: “any history of welding/[few other things that can result in particulate metal]” so they WILL check first.

      2. popelizbet +5

        They did this to me with both my torn rotator cuffs. My ortho said its helpful to see that the bones are doing OK and not contributing to any soft tissue issues that show up on the MRI.

        Now that I have a crockpot again I am in my “crockpot ALL THE THINGS” mode. Last week it was chicken and dressing. This week it will probably be pork loin.

        1. CleverManka +7

          its helpful to see that the bones are doing OK and not contributing to any soft tissue issues
          Ah! That makes sense. Thanks!

          Crockpots are the best.

      3. AliceIsHopeless +3

        That is weird? And thanks, apparently everything looks like it’s ok and it’s now just “take this giant pill that will fix everything, bye” so that’s a relief!

        I totally do that too. My supermarket has a thing where if you buy 5 bags of fruit or veggies you get 25% off all of them, which is lovely.

        1. sausagedog +3

          The ones I linked are good to start with! I am by no means a baker and have found them pretty me-proof. I’ve done everything wrong– forgotten the salt, mis-measured the water, overworked the dough– and they still turn out tasty. They don’t need special equipment but I’ve found my French rolling pin (tapered) works better than my American one, especially when I’ve overworked the dough, and my good old cast iron skillet is perfect for cooking them.

    5. irishbreakfasttime +11

      toastie cookbook club is this weekend, and I’m making a mushroom tart. The store up the street from me has a ton of dried mushrooms, and the recipe calls for dried porcinis. But the dried mushrooms are all labeled only in Polish, of which I speak not a word, and the rack faces the deli counter so you can’t stand there being indecisive for very long without getting in everyone’s way. Some convoluted internet research has determined: I did not buy porcinis but I did buy a reasonable substitute.

    6. SmrtCookie +8

      I’m thinking of trying to eat out of my pantry/freezer for most of February. (With the execption of fresh produce/dairy) I have so much stuff squirreled away and I tend not to meal plan around what I have which so stuff stays in my pantry/freezer for awhile. I figure February is a good month because I don’t want to leave my house and my pantry lends itself to lots of soups and curries.

    7. RandomCrouton +9

      Trying to do the “cook everything Sunday, be prepared for the whole week” deal:

      Making a bunch of jar salads for lunch: quinoa, baked tofu, diced peppers, green onion, shredded carrots, lettuce and a cilantro-lime dressing.

      And some black bean soup for dinner

    8. contrarianbear +5

      Our grocery stores are still barren post snow. So lots of pasta and beans, again. I miss summer veg dammit!

    9. MuseKray +3

      I hope this is okay to ask. I am about to start an intense sport so my appetite is going to shoot up. Does anyone have blogs or recipes to recommend?

    10. MilesofMountain +7

      I haven’t planned my food this week except for ham and roast veggies tonight and savory bread pudding for breakfast tomorrow. I had a pretty good week last week for trying new recipes so I want to share.

      – I made a pile of broccoli-sausage calzones which are now living in my freezer for quick lunches and dinners
      – this pumpkin-tofu curry bowl was amazing, and I skipped using a blender to save on dishes and it was great anyway
      – I have been mixing up a bunch of ingredients for Gingerbread and pumpkin breakfast mug cakes once a week and it is a fantastic warm, quick, filling breakfast. I mix up a week’s worth of the wet ingredients in one jar in the fridge, then mix up a bunch of individual jars of the dry mix, then mix the two and microwave for 2 minutes each morning.
      – And I made this curried broccoli and chicken casserole, and even though I didn’t grow up with midwestern-style casseroles I liked it and my boyfriend literally talked about it for days he loved it so much. I guess I should add more casseroles into the meal rotation. Does anyone have any good recipes that are similarly heavy on the veggies, light-ish on the cheese/cream?

      1. SmrtCookie +5

        Thank you for linking the mug cakes! I’m trying to make myself a person who eats breakfast but it’s so cold and I’m so tired of oatmeal!

      4. alula_auburn +1

        ooh, those mug cakes look yummy. Sometimes I make the Hungry Girl “egg mugs” or variations thereof, but some times I just can’t face eggs in the morning.

    11. mkmorrow +6

      I am obsessed with marmalade. I made Minneola tangelo marm last night (this recipe: http://www.theglobaljewishkitchen.com/2012/01/27/… ). It is chunky and delicious, though not as fancy as the marmalade from The Blue Chair Jam Cookbook. But it is much easier.

      I made this as a marmalade vehicle, but gluten free: http://allrecipes.com/recipe/9702/orange-marmalad… . I ate almost all the bars.

      I am vastly uninspired about cooking real food right now. Jam. Only jam.

      2. AliceIsHopeless +5

        I made a giant batch of blood orange preserve this week (kind of made up a recipe based on jam knowledge so no links). Yay marmalade!

        1. mkmorrow +3

          Mmmm, blood oranges. I have a recipe for blood orange strawberry jam (or maybe marmalade?) that I’m desperate to try, so I’m eagerly awaiting strawberry season.

    12. Hey_Cinderella +7

      I am baking some wonderful crusty bread today (well, I hope it will be wonderful and crusty, at the moment it is dough with great potential) followed by some cullen skink for supper. If you don’t know, cullen skink is a traditional Scottish soup that’s basically leeks and onions, smoked fish (typically haddock but I use salmon because I live in New Mexico and I’ll take what I can get), potatoes, and milk. It is very simple and utterly comforting. I tried it for the first time in September while in Scotland and it was one of the first things I cooked when I was back in the states. Highly recommend.

      (Also, sending good vibes and internet hugs!)

    13. BestLaidPlans +7

      All about crockpottery these days. I made tomato, artichoke, and garlic sauce yesterday, and a crockpot lasagna last week. I also did a pork roast with plums. It was delish and super, super easy. I’m tired of having to cook for an hour once I get home because I’m usually hangry by that point so I’ve resorted to the crockpot to solve my woes.

      Hope your weird health stuff gets sorted out quickly and easily!

      1. mkmorrow +5

        Please tell me more about the tomato artichoke garlic sauce. Is it a crockpot thing? Did you make up the recipe, or is it a thing you can share?

        1. BestLaidPlans +5

          I actually got it from a cookbook: http://www.amazon.com/Everything-Mediterranean-Sl…

          However, it is super easy. Two cans diced tomatoes with Italian seasonings. Two cans quartered artichoke hearts, drained. 4-6 cloves garlic, diced. Throw it all in a slow cooker on low for 6-8 hours or high 3-4 hours. Serve over pasta.

      2. AliceIsHopeless +3

        My crockpot is looking so neglected at the moment aaaaah… Intrigued by crockpot lasagne!

        Thank you thank you!

        1. BestLaidPlans +3

          I’d seen pictures but never tried it myself. Ricotta, spinach, sauce and noodles. It was surprisingly good.

    14. Ash +6

      Making potatoes dauphinoise for the first time which is pretty exciting! my mothers bringing it to a potato themed poetry event haha!!

    15. Thujaplicata +7

      My cooking discovery this month was that butter beans are actually just giant lima beans. You can buy them dried for much cheaper than canned and they are super tasty cooked up and mixed with some oil and cider vinegar and green onions and parsley.

    16. Nashirakins +11

      I made 60 wontons earlier this week, so dinner tonight is wonton noodle soup with tons of Shanghai bok choy. We’ll probably spike our bowls individually with the Sichuanese chile oil we made on Sunday, because it’s addictive and omnomnom. I might add some garlic chives too since we’ve got a wee bit left of a bunch.

      Dinner next week is probably Chongqing chicken/laziji, tons and tons of steamed or stirfried greens, and maybe an attempt at yuxiang pork slivers. Apparently all the food I want to eat any more is Sichuanese or at least Sichuan-adjacent. Let us rejoice for the China Sichuan Food and Woks of Lifeblogs. 😀

      (good luck on the health stuff. I’m about to do another round of diagnostic crud and know how stressful and freaky it is.)

      1. AliceIsHopeless +3

        Ohhhhh yum wontons. Something that has been significantly lacking in my life lately! I think I’ll have to go to Chinatown this weekend for wrappers and vegetables to make some potstickers… And I’ll just HAVE to go to The Best Hong Kong Bakery Ever for a coconut bun, what a struggle 🙂

        Thanks love, it does suck doesn’t it… Thinking of you and sending good vibes

        1. Nashirakins +4

          If you like spicy, try dressing your wontons in a mix of chile oil and Chinkiang vinegar. I did ours in about 1:2 vinegar:chile oil and it was glorious. Woks of Life has an excellent chile oil recipe if you’re up for making your own.

      2. Ethylbenzene +1

        I am addicted to Woks of Life, and that chile oil. I’ve been making my own tofu so I have tons of soy milk lees leftover, which I’ve been stuffing into wontons and dumplings and topping with their Sichuan spicy wonton sauce.

    17. Strophoria +3

      I am cooking up a great big pot of spicy veggie chili for the weekend, and maybe baking some bread if I have time for it. I’ve been working 12 hours days and leaving the cooking to partner, which is great but I’d like to eat something other than falafel and burritos

    19. Daniel_Loo +5

      I’ve spent this month trying to perfect a shoyu chicken recipe. Came pretty close the other night, was slightly overcooked but the sauce was awesome. It’s not a fancy dish, but it’s delicious as hell and my family loves it.

    20. Bryn (Plus Others) +4

      We are going to make butternut-chipotle soup, and in pursuit of this goal roasted the squash yesterday, so it is sitting in the ‘fridge waiting to be pureed and added to chicken stock and chipotle and probably some other stuff. There might even be creme fraiche in the ‘fridge to go with it although maybe it expired and got thrown away? But maybe it is hidden behind the HUGE pile of Indian leftovers from our partner’s friends coming over last night — all of which are either too spicy or too cilantro-tastic for me. 🙂 Which is why soup!

      Best of luck for your weird health issues!

    21. Absotively +5

      I am going to try these no-bake breakfast bars, because I want breakfasts that I can grab and take to work if I’ve sat reading the link roundup when I meant to be making oatmeal, and these look fairly yummy and filling and not too sweet. I suspect I will eat larger portions than they recommend, because their suggested servings would really be very small breakfasts. Or I guess I could have some fruit with them or something.

    22. AliceIsHopeless +3

      WOO you guys have really run with this! Yay!
      Here’s mine:
      Roast squash and kale risotto for dinner tonight
      A pear and rhubarb crumble (need to work out what to do with the rest of the rhubarb so send me tips! Maybe jam/cordial?)
      Roast tomato soup (big batch for lunches with grilled cheese because yes)
      Probably a jar of kale, rocket and almond pesto (it’s the best)
      A fruitcake/loaf of some kind, I have a recipe that uses pumpkin that I’ve wanted to try for ages
      I’m also eating porridge with homemade blood orange preserve for brekkie every day which is lovely
      Stockpiling parmesan rinds to make this http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2014/01/parmesan-b…

      …and maybe roast chickpea hummus because I invented it this week (I am not the first but I shall claim it, damnit) and I am OBSESSED.

      And so many of your amazing recipes are going on my list toooooooooo
      (sorry for lack of links, I mostly make stuff up based on cookbooks, but I can send recipes if anyone is interested)

      1. Nashirakins +4

        MAANGCHI! She is so the best. Her buldak (chicken in gochujang) was so good in some ramen we made a few weeks ago. Fiery and sweet and saved me from spiking my bowl with gochujang on my own. Her videos are so soothing to watch too…

    25. owlbrick +7

      My big thing lately has been breakfast. I used to be the kind of person for whom breakfast was optional; but as I’ve gotten older, I just can’t do that any more, especially since coffee now gives me intense pain if I have it on an empty stomach. So, breakfast every morning; but I, like most folks I know, am perennially pressed for time. I’ve thus been working on ways to quickly, conveniently cook eggs. Two eggs plus a piece of toast is traditional for a reason… complete protein, enough energy to get me through the morning. I don’t like plain scrambled, though, and don’t have time to do omlettes (that’s pretty much reserved for weekends). I was frying them for a while, but lately I’ve been trying to master the poached egg in the microwave.

      There’s definitely a technique to it. I had read it was possible, and thought this could be the ticket; but there’s not a lot of good info on how best to do it. The first couple times I tried I blew them up, leaving water and egg white plastered all over the inside of the microwave. The problem is that the whites don’t cook as fast as the yolk, and the yolk cooks from the outside in and seals in the pressure of expanding steam. You can end up with hard yolks which pop explosively and still have runny uncooked whites.

      I came across a tip somewhere which mentioned piercing the yolk with a knife to relieve pressure as it cooks. That solved the exploding problem for the most part; I then went back to the tried-and-true method of adding vinegar to help firm up the whites, and that seems to have just about done the trick.

      My current method is to take a microwave-safe coffee cup, half-fill it with water and a splash of vinegar, crack an egg into it, poke the yolk with the tip of a knife, and microwave it for about 70 seconds (times vary depending on the strength of the microwave, obvs.). It’s been a few weeks worth of experimentation, and while it’s still not perfect (occasionally overcooked yolks), I’m getting close.

    26. RunGracieRun +3

      My new slow-cooker did NOT get delivered today. (Amazon Prime is slipping?) So I will not be making Slow Cooker Enchilada Quinoa over the weekend as planned. Sad face.

  2. daisymerolling +72

    So my girlfriend and I broke up. She was spending more time with my roommate than with me, and I wasn’t really getting what I needed.
    It’s okay though. I’m fine, just taking today to wallow and hide from people. I’m eating brownies and watching garbage.
    We’re still friends, and I wouldn’t change anything about what happened, we just weren’t compatible in the long run.
    In other news, I started a poetry workshop with my friends to see if we can make a club next semester and it went really well. The criticism was so helpful for me. I really hope that keeps going on because my poetry is becoming a big part of my coping with college and stress.
    Love you all!

    5. InsertCoolNameHere +12

      Yes, lots of hugs for you. Brownies and garbage TV are the perfect prescription.

    8. jwhittz +13

      taking some time to wallow even when it’s a generally amicable breakup is a really good choice.

    10. sfbeee +9

      bob’s burgers on repeat + a Feelings Anthem on repeat + many foods + someone who will hold you while you feel things! this is my breakup prescription.

    11. Merripat +11

      We love you too, Daisy. Hugs to you, and remember, it’s ok if you realise that, despite your plans, you can’t be friends right now and need some distance.

    12. OliviaPJones +3

      Sorry about your breakup, but it sounds like you have a good notion of self-care. Your thoughts on criticism are inspiring me to go and LOOK at some of the professorial comments I got on my papers in school, which I just finished. It’s scary to know what people think!

    1. Linette +11

      Totals for the week:

      Income: $2,203.99
      Expenses: $1,029.55

      This has been kind of a sobering day. I just got my first paycheck, and man taxes are a fucking bitch. I used to have my own S corp (still do, actually), and with deductions my taxes were generally completely reasonable. This whole “one third of your paycheck doesn’t really exist thing” is a new one on me.

      So I am learning that if I want to get out of debt by the end of the year, I will have to more or less double my take-home pay in freelance income. Which. I mean. Okay. I can do that. I think.

      I’m also missing my first week of pay because it was outside the payroll cycle. My HR guy is working on fixing it by Monday, so that’s not too bad, just inconvenient. And I’m trying to sort out why adding my partner to my health insurance means his is literally double the cost of mine? I knew his was post-tax and mine was pre-tax, but that shouldn’t DOUBLE it. No one at the payroll company is being helpful. “That’s because it’s after taxes.” “No, it’s higher because it’s after taxes. Why are there literally TWO payments for him and one for me?”

      If I go by what they’re saying I’ll be paying $400 for JUST my partner to be on a high-deductible insurance plan, which is bullshit no matter how you slice it.

      My expenses include nearly $800 in payments to credit cards, which should mean my totals are going down, but I’m going to tally up all the statements this weekend and see where I am. I know that for some of these cards, the amount I’m getting billed in interest is quite near what I’m paying, and I need to make plans about that.

      Money is hard, guys. But I’m making progress. I’m pretty sure.

      1. winterbymorning +7

        You’ve probably already tried this, but just in case – have you called and asked if they can lower the interest rates on your card? My husband had a surprising (well, surprising to me) amount of success with that.

        My fun financial news is that I’ve already gotten all my tax forms, so I can file my taxes this weekend and get that sweet, sweet tax refund back.

        1. Linette +4

          I have not, because I am have not-infrequently had to make a late payment, which means I’d automatically be boosted right back to the highest APR. I will try this after I set up automatic payments for all of them – call, explain I have a full time job now, and see if I can negotiate.

      2. magalibee +8

        Money is indeed hard! I’ll probably be a lifer in the nonprofit field, and I was frugal to begin with. I try to remember it’s ‘just money,’ but you know what? It’s not always ‘just money.’

        Left my first salaried job in December, only to realize that I’d be insurance-less for about a week until I started at the new place. (Yup, very lucky that this is a short-lived worry, not constant as it is for some.) NYE in a city requiring a rental car was fun. Boyfriend was very patient with my comments about tipsy/drunk drivers lurking everywhere.

        Note to self, next time, give two weeks’ notice but set official end date after paid time off will be used up. It’s the same as the paid time off payout anyway.

        1. Ethylbenzene +12

          “It’s just money” is something people who are mostly comfortable say. It’s such bullshit IMO.

        2. Linette +8

          “just money” until you have the means to get by without a lot of money. Or any. But that means you need to earn money up front.

          This is one of the things I’m liking about the system I’m using? The idea is to be financially independent – so do whatever you need to do now to own a home, be pretty self-sufficient, and generally not owe anyone anything. And then do whatever you want to do with your life, and it won’t matter if you make beans at it because you only need to pay for, like, homeowner taxes and bananas.

          If I’d known about this idea of living life when I was younger I think I would have made some very different choices about how I spent my money. I was always kind of taught that you’ll make a paycheck, you should save half of it for eventual retirement, blah blah blah, but no one taught me that if I was pretty savvy early on I could make investments and shit and eventually not NEED a paycheck. I would have signed up for that in a heartbeat, even if it meant going without a lot of fun stuff in the meantime.

      3. Ethylbenzene +6

        No idea what the deal is with the partner’s insurance, yiiiikes.

        This week has been lean, folks, no two ways about it. I now owe my stupid fucking sister another $20 for flowers sent to my mom, which, ok, but YEESH I’m POSITIVE we could’ve found something cheaper than a $60 wreath from Williams-Sonoma even if she is allergic to everything. I need to get gas, too. UGH.

        On the plus side, though, Simple and the “envelope” thing and the “safe to spend” concept have really changed my whole approach. Despite it being lean, the “safe to spend” and “grocery” envelopes kept me organized and kept me from dipping into the “incorporation paperwork” envelope like I would have previously because I had just about forgotten it was there! I have some PayPal money coming in from some website testing I’ve done, so I may be able to go out with friends next week, too!

        Tax refund will be spent on a big credit card payment, incorporation paperwork, and the rest saved for vacation.

        Overall, things are tight but manageable, which is wonderful.

        1. Linette +5

          I just signed up for Simple, too! And I really like it. Already I’m seeing how useful it will be because I had a check scheduled for my rent, and it was meant to come out of this first paycheck, but apparently they need to send the check on the 28th for it to arrive in time, so they sent me a little note saying “Sorry! We couldn’t make that payment for the following reasons, but you can reschedule it when there is money!”

          Which – with my old bank, they would have just posted the check anyway and overdrafted my account, OR they would have said I had “insufficient funds” and charged me a fee for the privilege of informing me I can’t write the check I want to write. Either way, I’d get a fee. This is much, much better.

          1. Ethylbenzene +6

            Their customer service is really responsive — when I was getting set up I had an issue linking to my former bank, and the guy was super nice AND sent me a cat picture, so. Plus — no fees!!!!! Bank of America charged me $12 A MONTH for the privilege of them overdrafting my account constantly with their $12 A MONTH fees.

          2. GreenGrasses +2

            So is Simple a…bank? I remember seeing commercials for it a billion years ago but then it just kinda disappeared. They did have a really well-designed logo though, which goes a long way with me.

          3. Ethylbenzene +3

            Yep! They have no fees and a LOT of ability to track your data, with memos and tagging and stuff, plus they do this “envelope” thing, where you can allot money to certain envelopes (instead of having a separate savings account), and you can either set it up so you add money yourself, or you can set it up to move a small amount in each day to reach a goal date. It’s been incredibly useful to me already (we’ve been using it since December), the debit card is beautiful (matte white, ooooooh), the data tracking is terrific, and I love it. Highly recommend.

          4. Linette +1

            They’re new and only rolling out one service at a time, so when we say “bank” we mean “checking and savings”, nothing else. Some of my questions had to do with whether they’d expand to provide other services in the future, like loans, and they intend to, but they’re sort of mastering the banking stuff one thing at a time, so it may be a few years. So far, though, I love their envelope feature, and they’ve already saved me what would have been a fee at my old bank.

            The customer service is GREAT and it’s available 7 days a week. And you can get a person right away if you want to call and ask questions, which is what I did.

        1. maggiegrift +3

          I’m so mad they switch to a subscription-based fee… my $60 was supposed to last forever! So I’m sticking with the old one and then considering switching once they start phasing the old versions out.

          Anybody have hot leads on budget apps that are good for sharing with a second person? After we get married, we’re combining finances, and I’d really like my partner to log his expenses as well

    2. kaylar_beastie +6

      I will jump on this.

      I am a GTA so life is terrible. But here are my problems this week:

      My tuition waiver has not been applied even though it is two weeks into the semester. Because of this it said I owed the university 1500 dollars. They added another 100 dollars recently because I did not pay my student fees. I did not pay my student feels because I took out student loans that would cover those fees IF my tuition waiver would be applied.

      If my tuition waiver was applied I would have approximately 1200 dollars refunded. With that money I could:

      Pay my friend his owed 212 dollars for a hotel in March
      Pay my electric bill, which has recently bounced back because there wasn’t enough money in my account (so they added an extra 30$ fee) and is currently 260 dollars (for an apartment and I sense shenanigans)
      Pay my rent on Monday, which is 375 dollars.
      Not to mention internet bill which I’m now behind on and owe them at least 60 dollars.

      So in conclusion I have around 1000 dollars in bills due the next two weeks, but no money because my tuition waiver has not been applied. But don’t worry, I just got paid! $375.

      FML.

      1. mkmorrow +7

        Toast hugs. That sucks. I am still scarred by the financial screwing of being a TA back in the day. (We’re waiving your tuition! Here’s your TA salary/stipend! Oh, you instantly owe us $1000 in fees! Good luck with rent!)

        Best of luck. May the financial aid gods smile on you.

      2. Linette +3

        This sounds wretched. I hope you find some reasonable person who can help you. Go in person – in my experience it is infinitely easier to get someone’s help when you are a human in front of them and not a voice on the phone.

        Godspeed. This sounds really hard.

      3. femaelstrom +16

        I’m sorry that my brain automatically interpreted this as “I am a Grand Theft Auto so life is terrible.”

        1. anniekate76 +8

          Mine did too. I mean that would sure make life terrible; cops constantly chasing you, pedestrians in your way.,,

      4. RudyRed +4

        Is heat included in your electric bill? That is the only possible reason I can think of for your bill to be that high. That is totally shenanigans.

    3. megalesias +9

      Income: $927
      Expenses: $255, groceries/utilities/student loans/monthly donations

      end-of-month utilities, loan payments, and donations sort of snuck up on me, unfortunately, but it wasn’t TOO bad. And our electric bill was double what it usually is?? which we weren’t really able to figure out.

      The timing of this paycheck is not super convenient, as it’s going to be entirely wiped out by my rent payment on Monday and I still need to make my credit card payment as well. Boo.

      On Monday as well I can start buying things again!! But I’m a little bit worried that I’ll just go a bit mad and spend way more than I should, to make up for this self-imposed drought. Bleh.

      & I’m more than a little worried that I’ve been purposely not spending this entire month and yet my overall cashflow is still only + $387 ?? And I guess part of it is having less work and less income over the holidays, but… how was I breaking even before? uugggghhhhhhh why is money.

      1. Linette +9

        I feel you on this. Before I started tracking everything I was getting by? Somehow? And now that I’m paying attention I have no earthly idea how I was managing to avoid crippling problems. For what it’s worth, it is helping me plan how to move forward? It’s just mind-fucking in the meanwhile.

        1. megalesias +7

          yeah, it will definitely help for future planning!

          And on the other hand, I was talking to my parents about it the new savings account the other day and when I got into actual number amounts my mom’s response was, “oh good, you do have money!!” so…

    4. mkmorrow +15

      I re-did the math and realized at my current rate of payoff, barring giant financial emergencies, I am going to be OUT OF DEBT COMPLETELY in 19 months. I could make that 16 months if I used my savings account, but that seems stupid, because: Fuck Off Fund.

      Meanwhile, my sister (who makes a lot more money than I do) has sort of hinted that she could pay off some of my debt for me. She’s a lovely and reasonable human being and wouldn’t hold it over my head for ever, but I’m strangely reluctant. I kind of want to dig myself out of my own hole. I think I’ll tell her I appreciate the offer and will keep her help in reserve for emergencies.

      1. Linette +6

        THAT IS SO GOOD. I aspire to have this realization. I am, right now, proceeding with ambition but no certainty.

    5. RudyRed +5

      I spent more this month than I should have. =_= I got excited by my end-of-year bonus and treated myself to new clothes, and I ate out at restaurants more often than I usually do. However, I still earned more than I spent this month (barely), my Fuck You Fund is still where I want it to be (for now; I’d like it to go up!), and I have a bit over $500 in savings, which gives me a bit of day-to-day wiggle room too.

      I’m down to $4,800 in credit card debt. I’m frustrated with how slowly that outstanding balance is decreasing; I’m already paying over the minimum, but the interest is killing me and I can’t pay more per month. May be worth trying to finagle a lower APR? IDK, I haven’t actually used the damn thing in like two years, so that interest is the only way the company’s getting money from me. They may be loath to lower it.

      1. Linette +8

        May I suggest Googling some tactics for negotiating with them? Obviously no credit card company wants to stop drilling you for all the money they can, but people do get their rates lowered all the time, and there are good strategies for doing it. One of the ones I remember is saying that if they don’t lower it, you’ll just transfer the balance to a lower APR card and close the account. They don’t want you to close the account even more than they don’t want you to pay less interest.

        that’s just one tactic, though! There are lots out there. The internet is your friend.

    6. socktantrum +6

      Most of my money problems this week were related to feelings about money rather than actual money. The forbearance period on one of my loans is ending (even though I’m still in school) and I’ll either have to ask for an exception or start paying it off. I’m starting to feel a little sick over all my undergrad loans that have been sitting there gathering interest while I’ve been in a PhD program, and I feel like every fiber of my being is screaming “Get a real job! Get out of debt! Leave academia!”

      This is compounded by the fact that next year I’ll have to start paying tuition since I want to keep working remotely (I’ve been on a fellowship this year), and I’ll lose my health insurance in June. So… it’s either get a job, or convince my partner to marry me for insurance purposes which is supremely unromantic (even though marriage is a thing we agree we’d like to do at some point). So I’m basically having every life and money feeling and I want to completely ignore that any of this is happening.

      1. Linette +7

        ymmv, but I have multiple friends who have been married on paper for various insurance/legal reasons, and it has worked out just fine. In many cases, only a few people knew they’d been legally married, and they still had the whole “we’re engaged!” and “we’re having a wedding!” things for the majority of the world. It didn’t detract from the fun of being married, is my point, and it was very necessary and helpful for them to have those legal advantages.

        1. Ethylbenzene +5

          ::nods:: I’ve been to more than one wedding where the couple was already married for insurance and financial reasons.

        2. socktantrum +2

          That is true — a big reason we have postponed the wedding discussion is our current location (thousands of miles from both of our families), but there’s nothing to say we couldn’t have a great party during some future visit home. I need to think of a tactful way to bring this up…

      2. RudyRed +6

        My partner and I have agreed that the only reason we’ll get married is for insurance or other financial reasons, should they arise. There’s no shame in acknowledging the pragmatic reasons for marriage.

    7. chickpeas +9

      I recently opened a second savings account, so now I have a “major life emergencies” savings account (job loss, major medical/vet emergency, rescue a friend from bad situation) and a “annoying things that happen” savings account (car repairs, minor medical/vet issues, etc). Previously I had been putting the latter on my credit card, then fretting about taking money out of my savings account to cover it, then fretting about carrying a balance on my credit card… etc, etc, horrible worry spiral. I cannot believe it took me this long to figure out how to square this circle, which is fundamentally an emotional problem, not a financial one.

      Next step… starting a down payment fund. Gulp.

      1. Linette +7

        You are eons ahead of me, but I know well the realization that your financial woes are caused by emotional bullshit, not tangible bullshit. It is not a comfortable realization but emotional bullshit is, thankfully, much more easily fixed than a tangible problem.

    8. Biblioholic +4

      I had a really rough week. Went down to DC for a job interview, during the blizzard. Was put up on a friend’s house, so the trip didn’t cost much. My interview was supposed to be Tuesday, so I would miss two days’ temp work. Not great, when I’m pinching pennies, but not horrible.

      The guy couldn’t make it to the interview (re: blizzard) so they had me push it back until Thursday. It turns out the scheduling people knew this last Friday(!!!!) but didn’t bother to tell me until Monday. I had to stay in DC, because I need this damn job. And then I had to take the Amtrak back, because my bf had returned with our car Tuesday as planned, so he could work next day. So, this interview cost me $100 for an Amtrak ticket, and $400 in missed work. My weekly income is going to be about $90. Great. Obviously I will be dipping into my meager savings to make ends meet this week, so not paying down any debt today.

      Only upside of this disaster weekend/week is that I did get to see Bei Bei at the National Zoo.

      1. Linette +7

        Those are ASSHOLES and I wish you didn’t need a job with them. Even if you weren’t losing work, it would still be inconsiderate as fuck. I hope you get the job, and then I hope you promptly get an EVEN BETTER JOB and you can leave them in the lurch like they left you.

    9. daystarre +4

      Toastpeeps, I would love your insights into a finances/family one-two combo!

      My income is comparable to Linette’s: $2,500 intake, roughly $1,400 in expenses.

      My graduate-student BF and I are saving up to take a trip to Maine to visit his family this summer. (He visited my family last summer) We estimate that plane tickets are going to be about $700, and I was well on my way to having that squared away when my car needed a $600 repair.

      My mother just sent me an e-mail inviting me to the biennial family reunion: “Grandpa said he would help with cost if needed, and we’d try to contribute as well. Since your grandparents are in their late 80s, we don’t have many reunions left.”

      My family is full of people with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders, and I don’t really feel safe going without my boyfriend, since everyone acts sane around the “outsider”. The reunion is in the middle of the desert, and there are no safety valve hotels around. My family is eternally impoverished; my parents have about $400 in the checking account at any one time.

      1) Do I ignore the guilt-trip about my grandparents dying, turn down the offer of help, and explain that I’ve already made financial commitments this year?

      2) Do I go by myself, because my grandparents are in fact very old?

      3) Should I use my savings to bring both myself and my boyfriend? Because: old grandparents?

      1. Linette +9

        UGH this is rough.

        It sounds like you ONLY want to visit your grandparents, which I will gently suggest could be done at any time – you do not need to suffer narcissistic relatives to achieve such a visit.

        So how about this:

        “Mom, I’m sorry, but we had those unexpected car repairs and (made-up bunch of stuff that sounds difficult to deal with), so I really don’t think I can take a trip right now. You’re right that I do want to see my grandparents, though, so I will schedule another trip to see them as soon as I can afford it.”

        You can even work the summer trip with your boyfriend in there to explain the financial woes. I’m making this up, but let’s say you say something like: “Boyfriend and his family are paying for us to come visit them, but taking time away from work/miscellaneous travel expenses that are inevitable will make my budget pretty tight, so scheduling two trips in the same time period isn’t an option. I also can’t take that much time off of work. I can’t cancel existing trip to visit Boyfriend’s folks because they already paid for everything and it’s non-refundable and it would cost them a ton of money. I really appreciate the offer of help, but Work Constraints plus Tighter than Normal Budget means I can’t pay for any of the trip at all, including the miscellaneous expenses like needing to buy food at the airport or whatever.”

        I have manipulative folks in my family, so my default method in a situation like this is to tell a lie that suitably addresses all of their concerns and gives them no options to work around it. If I were a stronger person perhaps I’d just be like “Nope, can’t, I’ll work out how to see the grandparents on my own” but fighting manipulative relatives is exhausting and I will gladly take the way of liars and rogues every time.

    10. GreenGrasses +4

      Hi hi! I’m new to the finance thread, but my mind’s on my money and my money’s on my mind lately, so here I am! My two major things are: 1) car needs new tires, which we are buying tomorrow. BUT, 2) we have a trip to Iceland coming up the first week of March, so this puts quite a dent in the funds we’d hoped to have socked away for the trip. All the flights/hotels are booked, so it would have been to cover everything else, but like… the $400 on tires could have paid for a lot of nice frugal meals abroad! I tried really hard this past month to reign in my spending, which was a lot easier with the trip on the horizon. I am proud of myself for how much I was able to save (close to $300) but it still doesn’t seem like a lot in the face of tires credit card debt!

    11. samburgers +7

      Just wanted to leave a friendly reminder for all you toasties who’re in the stock market: DON’T LOOK. I just checked my balances (stupid) and it spooked me more than I expected (stupid). NEVER LOOK. Just keep on keepin’ on.

    12. +4

      I’m a bit . . . I have money; I earn more than I spend. But I feel that I KNOW this, so I spend more than I should, because, after all, I earn enough. I tried to use Mint to categorize stuff, but it’s such a pain, and then it whined that my gas bill was high because I drove a lot, and I actually wanted to categorize that as a hobby cost (because I drove to my hobby class), but then I couldn’t, and I always forget with cash and — I know this is a good problem to have, but I feel stupid about it.

      1. Linette +3

        I feel you. I make a perfectly decent income and I have for years, and I never learned to manage money, and I feel bad for whining when my problems really only amount to ‘wah wah I don’t know what I’m doing and sometimes that has consequences’ as opposed to ‘I’m $100,000 in debt for reasons beyond my control and my identity was stolen.’

        Our problems are our problems. It’s hard to not know how to do something, and hard to not have a system that works. I can say encourage you to find a better system, since Mint is clearly not the best system for you. The ones that worked for me were Your Money or Your Life (warning: slightly hippie woo-woo in tone, but sound on the money stuff) and the Simple Bank envelope system, but that’s *me*, and you need something that works for *you*.

        Start with recommendations from Toasties and see what you like and don’t like. Try some new books out, some new methods. Try keeping a money log or whatever. Make an Excel file. Just try some stuff out to figure out what will and won’t work for you. Mint.com is a great idea but it really only seems to work for people with a very set list of credit cards/debts/expenses, and just because it didn’t work doesn’t mean there aren’t ways for you to handle your money. I promise there are.

        And you never need to feel bad for having a problem even if it’s not The Worst Possible Iteration of That Problem. It’s a problem. You need help with it. That’s okay.

        1. +2

          I’m not totally sure it IS a problem, is the other thing, because I don’t have debt, I don’t spend more than I can afford, and I do have savings. I need something really automatic because otherwise I won’t bother; I know this about myself.

          1. drSugarbean +3

            Please disregard this entirely if it does not fit your situation, but I’ve found it helpful for my spouse and I to have life goals to work towards. Ours are family oriented, but it need not be: when would you like to retire, for example, or would you like to be able to take a year long trip around the world. Even though we both earn well, it has been helpful for us to focus on the long term, so we don’t spend too much money on food or non-essentials.

    5. Battle_Swine +11

      Hufflepuff for me! (I’d never taken it before.) I didn’t remember a lot of house specifics from the books, but after playing around on Pottermore, I feel completely at home. I accept my house, as it is true and right.

      1. unleavings +5

        Just took it for the first time, and I’m Hufflepuff too. And the common room is my dream home, so hooray!

    7. AmyEntropy +7

      Haven’t taken it but I already know I’d WANT to be in Ravenclaw but wouldn’t be considered smart enough so would be sorted into Hufflepuff instead.

      1. mmejoy +18

        Hufflepuff is in possession of intense and admirable emotional intelligence. The coworker with whom I share responsibilities is Hufflepuff to the bone. She is *amazing* at thinking through how people might feel in learning environments. It’s a great gift to have.

    9. robindavisdesign +12

      I ALWAYS get Gryffindor which I don’t understand. Either I’m bad at taking internet quizzes or I have a very skewed self-image.

          1. actualmeg +13

            I’ve always interpreted your house as being a reflection of your values/priorities, rather than your innate abilities.

            By that logic, Hermione is quite well situated in Gryffindor–she’s shown time and again that she’s committed to standing up for causes she believes in, even (or especially) if they’re unpopular. Even though she’s tremendously intelligent, and she uses her intelligence frequently, she seems to place more value on other virtues. (In her own words: “Books! And cleverness! There are more important things–friendship and bravery…”)

            That said, I bet there’s a Ravenclaw after-class study group she was just dying to join.

      3. Thujaplicata +4

        I just got Gryffindor too. I’ve always gotten Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw in other quizzes. This is odd to me.

      4. ballisticjaguar +3

        ME TOO. Although I guess I understand, a bit? My friends seem to think it’s accurate, so.

    10. atlasblue85 +4

      Gryffindor, as always. I re-took the wand quiz too and I don’t fully remember what I got the first time but I think it was pretty different this time. But I’m happy with it.

      1. danelleorange +14

        I am pretty sure I’m just a slytherin because I am smart but also want to fight everyone.

        So, join the club?

    13. jimmyjimjimjim +6

      I’m not signing up to anything just to be told I’m a ravenclaw but I always wish I was a hufflepuff.

      1. irishbreakfasttime +10

        same here. I know I’m a Hufflepuff-wannabe Ravenclaw because my instinct is always “say something clever” and I have to consciously tell myself “no, say something nice.” or “do the dang work.”

    14. lizzythecat +6

      Ravenclaws unite! I was worried that I wouldn’t get it again, but I’m pleased that I did.

    15. Ethylbenzene +14

      I signed up and took it about oh, six months ago, because I was still in denial but no, I’m a Slytherin and I’m ok with that now.

      1. Angelan_ +18

        I was in denial for a while, but I upvoted all the slytherins in this thread and I think that’s probably a really slytherin thing to do, so…

        1. Ethylbenzene +11

          I absolutely was already doing that when I read your comment and was like “wait, is there something wrong with that????” Ssss.

      2. ballisticjaguar +9

        One of my very good friends, who is just fantastic, is also in Slytherin. You are in very good company and I’m a bit jealous I’ve got to say.

    17. Angelan_ +17

      I’m still in slytherin. I love that when you’re sorted, it immediately comes up with ‘6 reasons being in slytherin ISN’T TERRIBLE!’

          1. danelleorange +6

            NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON. Badgers are also cool, so are Ravens and Lions are pretty awesome when they’re not trying to kill you.

      2. Guestly +21

        I was unexpectedly sorted into Slytherin when Pottermore was first a thing. I cried. My boyfriend took a picture.

        He was also sorted into Slytherin.

      3. smiavs +3

        Meanwhile, the ‘6 reasons to get excited if you’re sorted into Ravenclaw’ piece is throwing some major shade at Hufflepuffs and I feel bad because I love them….

    18. coloredlights +7

      Huh. Over the past several years I have apparently transformed from Gryffindor to Slytherin. This actually makes complete sense to me and I am now embracing the green and silver (which were my favorite colors already).

      Not super into the dormitory being underground, though. What if you’re a Slytherin who likes open air?

    20. actualmeg +18

      I skewed it intentionally so it would sort me into Slytherin like it did last time. Which I suppose is a Slytherin thing to do, actually.

      1. macabre_salad +9

        HA! I made my spouse take it, he got Slytherin, and I accused him of cheating to get that outcome. He swore he didn’t but added, “Wouldn’t that make me even MORE Slytherin?” and I had to concede.

    21. alula_auburn +9

      Another Ravenclaw, and my wand makes no sense whatsoever.
      But I did always peg myself for Ravenclaw, with maybe a slice of either Hufflepuff or Slytherin, depending on whether the hat picks the person I WANT to be or the person I sometimes secretly think I am. But definitely not Gryffindor.

      eta: I actually think House Slytherin gets a bad rap, and it definitely seems like pretty bad pedagogy to round up a bunch of eleven-year-olds and tell them they are the Designated Baddies of the world. I just want to actually be kinder and more loyal and have more friends, as opposed to having failed ambitions making me jealous and petty.

      1. actualmeg +3

        Speaking of bad pedagogy, who was it who referred the “Witch, Please” podcast a week or so ago? Because whoever you are, THANK YOU, it is the podcast I did not know was missing from my life.

      2. smiavs +2

        What’s your wand? Mine’s apparently a 10-inch cypress wood wand with a phoenix feather core and hard flexibility, (not sure what that last bit means?) which sounds very Gryffindor to me. I’m definitely a Ravenclaw, though….

    23. RabbitIsland +4

      When I took it on the old site I was Hufflepuff (which was awesome) but now it sorted me into Gryffindor and I’m…not into that? I feel like you’re supposed to WANT to be in that house. But nope, I’m not running around having crazy adventures, I just want to talk to people about how something “makes them feel” I wonder if you can re-take the test haha

    24. MunchletteBelle +4

      I used to be a Ravenclaw but am now apparently a Slytherin. I literally do not know how to handle this.

    25. fenixdawn +6

      I have always thought of myself as Ravenclaw but Pottermore put me in Gryffindor. I would normally shrug this off as weird internet quiz but my sisters and husband both agreed Gryffindor is a better choice and now I am no longer sure who I am anymore.

  5. meetapossum +18

    Final Drynuary check-in! How are you doing? What is your first drink going to be? Are you drinking on Sunday or Monday?

    Unrelated to Drynuary, I saw Hamilton on Wednesday and it was ~*~amazing~*~.

    1. brujaja +12

      I feel really good about having done Drynuary. I’m ending early though- due to the rescheduling of a friend reunion that we’ve had to change three times in six months.

      I feel physically healthy. I feel like I’ve gained some insight into my alcohol habits.

      I’ve been surprised by how more emotionally in tune I am with myself- does that make sense? After rough days when I would typically have a glass of wine while cooking dinner, I’ve been more present with myself and paying attention to why I feel drained or whatever. Although- to be honest- I am definitely planning on having a drink while verbally processing the recent end of my romantic relationship. I’ve been very effective at compartmentalizing most emotion related to that in order to remain a functional human. However, I haven’t had a big cry yet; I’m hoping the booze and in person friend time will facilitate the emotional release.

      Anyhow, mad props to anyone and everyone who is sticking it out until he bitter end!

    2. unleavings +8

      The not drinking has been relatively easy, but I just realized last night that I have barely left the house except for work this month. Not sure how much is avoiding temptation and how much is just me being a winter hermit. I could use some March about now.

      1. whizzdumb +9

        Exactly what I’ve been thinking! Although I have enjoyed my time in my living room all month with my cat yelling at me to get up from the couch and play. To be honest I have allowed myself a few drinks here and there, because baby steps, but I’ve been way drier than usual and also agree with above comment about noticing my habits and being self aware of why my emotions are what they are instead of dulling them with good boozy feelings. Also my sleep patterns are noticeable/weird. Everything is illuminated! j/k but sobriety is like a 6th sense for the first week or so. I think Lubchansky tweeted, “My girlfriend says I get self righteous when I’m not drinking.” or something like that and I keep thinking–get self righteous and learn to tone that down. You are helping yourself. Better to be self righteous than a drunk mess. At least for me. Those are my ramblings on this.

  6. OshKoshMalosh +21

    I’ve been refreshing this page, waiting for the open thread to go up. I need to vent. Last year, I was officially diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I had been struggling with symptoms/irregular tests for a while before that, so it was quite a relief to finally have my problems validated with a diagnosis. And I like my doctor, when I’m able to see her. HOWEVER! Every time I go for an appointment I spend upwards of 2 hours at the office. Like, wait in the waiting room ~45 minutes to an hour past my appointment time, and spend another 45 minutes in the room waiting for my doctor. I was supposed to have an appointment this morning, and I specifically requested the first one of the day, so I could avoid having to take a half day off of work. But, after waiting a half an hour with no one getting called back, I checked with the receptionist, and the doctor WASN’T EVEN THERE YET. I know it’s not like she was sleeping in or something; she was at the hospital with other patients/doctors, but it is so so so so frustrating to me. Her time is valuable, but so is mine.

    I really really don’t want to have to find another doctor. The only good news is that I already have the diagnosis, so hopefully it won’t be too much of an issue to get a new one. But what if the new doctor is just as bad? I’m feeling really disheartened about the whole thing. It was a pretty sucky start to a Friday.

    3. brujaja +6

      Ooouf! You have my sympathy, that does sound like a frustrating start to the day.

      best wishes as you figure out the best way to get timely medical care.

    4. Denise +3

      GAWD. It is so frustrating when you’re ill or dealing with a condition to have to deal with this crap, too. I understand that sometimes things get out of hand, but the fact that you’re waiting for so long EVERY time you see her indicates poor time management, probably on her part (but the setting could be responsible, too). If you have the energy, make some calls and point blank ask about waiting times in general for their providers. Also, you could point blank ask her if she has colleagues whose schedules aren’t as busy as hers seem to be (being very pleasant and sweet about it: that’s the hard part) for her suggestion for a referral. Either way, it’s a big pain in the hoo hah, isn’t it? Good luck, doll.

    5. maggiegrift +5

      Oh that sounds so frustrating and horrible. I switched GPs because my old GP always kept me waiting about an hour, and my new one is better. I have no idea what to do when it comes to specialists though. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

      Relatedly, I’ve had irregular tests (“borderline”) and some symptoms (constant fatigue, about 20lbs weight gain over the past year and a half, always cold) but no diagnosis. Did something change (new symptom) for you or did the doctor just see that the symptoms were long-term, or what happened that eventually got you a diagnosis?

      1. OshKoshMalosh +5

        I had exactly the same symptoms you describe for years! My first irregular test results came when I was about 26 (I’m 33 now), so I understand how frustrating it is. I think the major thing that changed was that I developed a minor goiter this year, which really sent my TSH levels through the roof. Before the goiter, I was cycling between period of regular and hypothyroidism (and once a case of hyperthyroidism!), so it was very difficult to get a diagnosis, because I’d have to realize my symptoms were thyroid-related, and get blood work done ASAP. But like I said, that didn’t happen for a very long time.

        I don’t know how your insurance works, but for mine, I didn’t need a referral. I found a endocrinologist in my network, and set up an appointment directly. I’d suggest going over your GP’s head if you can, because a specialist will recognize symptoms that your GP might miss.

        Thanks for the commiseration – I hope you’re able to find a specialist who’s much better about appointment times than mine! And if you want more specifics, let me know – I’d be happy to provide any tips I can.

    6. Beakses +1

      On the very off chance you’re in Austin, I’ve had very good experiences with my endo as far as running on time and general doctoring is concerned.

      My sister has actually had very good experiences managing her hypothyroid with her gp- she really listens to my sister and is super willing to tweak doses and check bloodwork when things seem off- so if you really like your gp that might be an option?

    7. HistorianNina +5

      Aargh, that is so frustrating! I was taking my kids to a pediatric office for awhile that ALWAYS ran at least an hour late. I finally just had to switch practices – I couldn’t face dragging multiple small children to appts that took half the day, not to mention the possibility of having to pull one kid out of school for half the day just for a check up. It sucks to have to switch doctors though; totally sympathize on not wanting to do that.

      Also the doc WASN’T THERE for the first appt of the day?!? That is completely ridiculous. Damn straight your time is valuable too!

    8. Notreallydorine +1

      That is definitely awful and not something you should have to put up with in order to get treatment. I know how annoying it is to look for another doctor. . . but sometimes it is better to keep looking until you find the right one. My thyroid has not worked since I was 8, so I have had to find good doctors to help me deal with hypothyroidism everywhere I have lived. It took me YEARS to find the right doctor in my current town, and it was a complete hassle and sometimes I cried (after the crappy endocrinologist “fired” me), but my current doctor is great and helped me find and maintain the correct dosage so that I can function (higher dosage than the charts recommend, so it is hard to find a doctor who will do it).

      Good luck with whatever path you choose!

    9. OliviaPJones +3

      Ok, that sucks about your doctor!! But! As someone who’s been wrestling with hypo for the better part of–oh my gosh, I was diagnosed almost six years ago!–I just want to tell you yeah, you’ll still have tough days and sometimes things will be frustrating and sometimes your body will confuse you but it is 150% better having a diagnosis and being on regular medication. I mean, I used to feel like I had legs made of cement by 3 PM! I used to sleep most of the day when I was off and never caught up! I used to feel like I was walking through a haze! And now I have have a sort of normal life and go on hikes and stuff. So will you (I mean, have a normal life)!

  7. aqueousmedium +69

    On two separate occasions yesterday, dirtbag teens apologized quite adorably for (kind of, not really even) getting in my way. What pleasant surprises made you smile this week, Toastfriends?

    1. megalesias +57

      @ work I use a program that recognizes text on scanned documents, and it’s pretty good but not 100% accurate – so just now instead of “Legal Documents” the text said “Lewd Documents”, and I enjoyed that.

      1. SarcasticFringehead +7

        It’s nice to have moments like that to balance out the rage I feel every time I talk about converting a pdf to Word or similar and they say “oh, aren’t there programs for that?” Yes, there are, but sometimes they render Legal as Lewd, or other as oilier, or etc., which is why I have to proofread this document, which is why it’s not going to be ready five minutes after you give it to me.

    2. Pygmalion24 +14

      Pleasantly surprised that though I’ve been eating out a ridiculous amount and have been pretty lax about exercise this January, I haven’t gained actual poundage on the scale. February can be the month I start my New Year’s resolutions right?

      1. dakimel +7

        I decided that as long as I don’t weigh more at the start of each month than I did at the start of the last, I’m happy.

        February is a gimme, since on 1/1 I had just completed a 2-week vacation full of holiday food & sloth. Even my terrible habits this month won’t throw me into a pit of recrimination and despair.

        In other words – in my book, you’re totally succeeding!

        1. Pygmalion24 +3

          Thank you for the vote of confidence! I think in the wintertime, not gaining weight month to month is a solid goal.

    3. EllaAstor +58

      Wednesday was my birthday, and my daughter and her friend and I went to a very expensive steakhouse. I wasn’t expecting the restaurant to be so boisterous and friendly, the service so great and the steak so ambrosia-y. When I got my dessert, with a lit candle and everything, surrounding tables sang “happy birthday” to me, and bought me drinks. I was laughing and joyous the whole night — what an incredible experience and quite a surprise!

      1. cait0716 +17

        I’m going to an expensive steak house tonight for my husband’s birthday, and now I’m looking forward to it even more! I’m glad you had such a great time.

    4. brujaja +26

      I discovered my favorite pen brand makes a line of neon colors! I’ve been taking more detailed notes just to use the new colors!

          2. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

            Those are the ones I am in love with! For Christmas we got a package of 36 Staedtler pens and the colour range is just amazing.

          3. GirlBob +2

            Better than the standard Faber Castells? That’s what I’m using at the moment, because it was all that was in the shops, but these seem quite affordable also!

    5. robindavisdesign +116

      This was technically last week but it was cute enough to last me for a while.

      I saw two girls (maybe 7 or 8) having a conversation about, “Did you know like five years ago, two ladies couldn’t get married?” “WHAT? Why not?” “ISN’T THAT WEIRD?” “Adults are WEIRD.” Etc. Super great.

    6. merrite +47

      On my way home yesterday I walked past a scruffy little terrier who was wearing a red plaid coat and matching red booties. I was so overcome by its cuteness that I couldn’t scramble to snap a stealth pic in time.

    7. PomoFrannyGlass +9

      This week I had my tarot cards read by a lovely person from the Coterie FB group, which was awesome and affirming, and got to listen to a long distance friend on the radio for the first time in a long time this morning.

    8. ayelltee +16

      Went on a mini-vacation. Did not exactly spare myself on food (coconut French toast! rum drinks!) but did do a vigorous hour-long hill walk with Spouse every morning. Lost three pounds and it’s stayed off all week, so I think it’s for real.

    9. sausagedog +8

      Had a surprisingly great yoga practice on Monday, that was lovely! I’d been having some issues with my gym’s yoga classes due to changes made over the new year, but it seems like they’ve finally been ironed out.

      1. aqueousmedium +3

        Really good yoga classes are so great for the whole mind/body/soul triad! I had one last week that left me in agony for three days due to some well-deserved adjustments that taught me a lot.

        edited to say: good pain!

    10. becky f. +11

      Boss sent out next year’s class listings for our department, and listed my name each time with my fiance’s last name instead of mine.

      It shouldn’t have been surprising, maybe, since it’s just accurate — I will change it, and it will be before the next academic year. But it was, and it made me smile.

    11. unleavings +35

      I was leading baby storytime this morning, and borrowed a little guy to demonstrate a tickle. He was good and giggly with it, and then HE SNUGGLED ME. Just totally settled into my shoulder for a cuddle after.

    12. Strophoria +63

      I delivered a pizza to a super cute trans boy who answered the door in only boxers and his many queer tattoos, and gave me a high five and a $15 dollar tip when I excitedly exclaimed that I was trans too! It was a great moment.

    13. Bryn (Plus Others) +40

      I went to the post office to send off my first round of international penpals letters (I have been finding penpals on Instagram which is lovely but terrifying because they all make amazing envelopes and other art and I… write people’s names with gel pens! But that is fine, I am learning) — anyway, the post office had no line, they had a ton of cheap cute mailing supplies, international postage is not as expensive as I feared, and the woman behind the counter was extremely helpful so not only did I get everything sent off, but I now have all the stuff I need to send it myself from home.

      And… the woman behind the counter at the cafe I am at right now was being very very surly so I decided to ask her if she was having a hard day and by the end of ten minutes of chatting she was smiling and humming to herself and now she is grinning at all her customers. So I think I made her feel better?

        1. Bryn (Plus Others) +11

          Thank you! I am trying hard to practise active empathy, and it was a very nice feeling to see it help.

      2. socktantrum +5

        That is awesome — I’ve been trying to upgrade my small talk and really ask people how they’re doing, and I’m going to keep this line in mind for the next time I encounter someone who seems surly.

    14. dakimel +18

      I was selling merch at the opening of Kid2’s school musical last night, and one of the ushers came up to gossip with me about my son.

      Background: Kid1 was real active in theatre, and Kid2 is just starting, so all the Old Guard (you know, juniors & seniors) call him ‘baby Kid1’ and don’t know him, but know of him. This usher was part of the Old Guard.

      Usher: Does Kid2 have a girlfriend?
      Me: Yep
      Usher: They’re in theatre together, right?
      Me: Yep
      Usher: I thought so! They’re sooo cute. They walk around holding hands and not meeting each other’s eyes. (demonstrates, with stiff arm angled out to the side so the hold-ees couldn’t be less than two feet from each other, eyes forward, talking out of the side of her mouth.) It’s like they’re pretending it’s not happening.
      Me: OMG tell me more.
      Usher: And I’m in the class after theirs, and every day, someone else notices them leaving together, and comes in asking, “does Baby Kid1 have a girlfriend?” and then we all talk about how cute they are.

      He just turned 16, and his last girlfriend told him they were going out so she could have a date to homecoming, then dumped him at the dance, then showed up randomly so they could go to the park or for frozen yogurt for the next several months, so this insanely cute awkwardness is melting me.

      (To be fair to last gf, they’d been great friends since they were 5, and she has since changed schools, changed genders, and is a much more secure boy, and now Kid2 gets to defend him when he visits the school and dumb people gasp about his using the men’s room. But it was still hard on Kid2 to not know what to do with the heart she’d ripped off his sleeve.)

    15. Bothari +52

      The woman who cuts my hair told me (in the midst of getting me back to a pixie cut, yay!) that her toddler had named their cat Maple Dirtbike. This has had me snickering for days.

    16. alula_auburn +13

      My students have politely chuckled when I try to come up with funny examples, instead of giving me dead-eyed stares.

    17. OliviaPJones +20

      One of the high school students in the group I’m TAing for keeps liking everything I post in the Facebook group like she’s trying to validate my feelings and it’s kind of working.

    18. SarcasticFringehead +11

      I saw two different people reading Ancillary Justice on the bus this week, which was nice.

    19. onymatic +24

      I… pleasantly surprised myself, does that count? by commenting in this open thread. Instead of just reading and sympathizing and enjoying and thinking no no no I can’t write things someone might see!

    20. socktantrum +12

      I’ve been sad since moving that I’m not really a “regular” anywhere but this week the cute cashier at Trader Joe’s and the barista at my regular coffee shop both remembered me, asked about my new year, etc. Small pleasures.

      1. InsertCoolNameHere +2

        This gif is money. And basically what I have been doing at my desk all dayyy loonnnngggg.

  9. Bunburying +15

    I haven’t seen a FALLEN LONDON thread in a while. Let us share our accomplishments! I had a very productive January: I got my first 5-card lodging at the Wicket, finally finished the M—–‘s B—d grind, and got my very own Fluke-Core from the Nadir. Now I am waiting for De Gustibus to come along so I can trade the B—d in for a Crimson Book, and I will have so many lovely and completely useless items to rotate on my mantelpiece! And then, of course, start up the grind for another B—d again. GOTTA CATCH EM ALL.

    Now I’m looking forward to sending jars of teeth to half of London at the Feast. Show your love through dentition, I say.

    1. aqueousmedium +4

      I also got my first 5-card lodging and a Noman (who didn’t last very long at all, sadly). Still trying to get my Watchful up to 200 so I can become an Extraordinary Mind, but getting back into the University after being thrown out didn’t seem to unlock many more options so it’s slow going. Are there any good Watchful grinds out there?

    2. octopoda +5

      I also got my 5 card lodging this year! But now I’m just grinding for Echoes for an Overgoat, as I don’t have much else to do.

      1. Bunburying +4

        Yeah it’s gotten to the point where there is very little new content for me to look forward to because everything that’s left either requires Fate or locks me out of something I don’t want to be locked out of, so I have to content myself with My Collections. I am already paying for the Exceptional Stories, and fortunately they are mostly very good, and that’s probably what keeps me playing still.

    3. praemunire +3

      I lost my first Noman due to some bad planning, bought a super-expensive one, and then just missed by one day the last chance to buy a pail of snow for him (like, it disappeared off the Urchins card I’d been saving). Now I have one I’m nursing along with Tears, but it doesn’t look good for the little guy.

    4. Roisindubh211 +5

      It’s been a while since I missed the giant “Fallen London ” title and been seriously alarmed that someone is planning to mail teeth to complete strangers !

    5. kayjayoh_ +2

      Oh man. I haven’t logged on to Fallen London in a very, very long time. Perhaps I should do so.

    6. OliviaPJones +2

      I’ve kind of been waning lately in my excitement because I’m sort of running out of things to do, but I started right around this time last year so I’m excited about the Feast, which will be my second!

    7. +2

      Huh, Fallen London. I played that lo these many years ago (and was among the groups fighting to be tops in Knife & Candle, before it was shut and restarted). I wonder if I should try again. But I missed so much.

    10. PrescriptionSocks

      Just here to say that I checked this game out as a response to this thread and I am now simultaneously obsessed and confused. What am I doing? I guess I need friends? I have nightmares!

  10. ppyajunebug +57

    Toasties, I will be spending my weekend grading 30 essays written by my freshmen. Pls to be recommending well-written things in this thread that I can recover with.

    (also pls to be discussing the sheer joy of Ricky Whittle having been cast as Shadow in American Gods)

    2. bighairnoheart +17

      A quick googling later and all I can say is HOT DAMN.

      I haven’t really been paying much attention to American Gods news, but I will be now.

        1. bighairnoheart +14

          Wait a second…. HE WAS THAT ONE GUY IN AUSTENLAND.

          I APPROVE EVEN MORE.

          I hope the script just involves him and no shirt for long stretches of time.

          1. goonerkate +7

            YES HE WAS. Okay, I already very much approved, but now I am SO IN IT’S RIDICULOUS. And I was already all in because it’s a Bryan Fuller show and a Neil Gaiman book. I still think Jason Momoa would have been a perfect Shadow, but this guy is definitely a close second.

        2. CaroWR +3

          I hope he’s able/wants to stay on both shows. I love Lincoln. And if he died Octavia would probably just burn the world to the ground.

    3. kilks401 +9

      yes! I have never heard of Ricky Whittle, but I am still excited by this news and really hope the show is good.

      1. mspetuniawiddershins +20

        I’d never heard of him either, but my Google image search revealed that 1) he closely approximates my mental image of Shadow and 2) he is apparently allergic to shirts.

        1. ppyajunebug +9

          He’s on The 100, which is a FANTASTIC show and he is shirtless for large parts of it and also he’s just a really good actor.

          1. mspetuniawiddershins +4

            I am ALL IN for shirtless good actors (especially if they’re British, for some reason).

          2. kilks401 +5

            I was looking at the casting last night and my partner was very interested in the shirtless picture of him over my shoulder. This’ll hopefully help me get her to watch it with me, since she isn’t into fantasy.

    4. annecara +6

      SO EXCITED for that casting news! He looks perfect. And filming starts in April, which means we will be getting many more casting updates in the coming months!!

    5. CleverManka +5

      What sort of reading recommendations are you looking for? Fiction? Nonfiction? Fanfiction?

      1. ppyajunebug +6

        Fanfiction, fun non-fiction or romance novels would be my preference. But really, I just need to read anything great in order to recover from this.

        1. chiaroscuromom +5

          I don’t envy you, my dear! As i mention downtopic, I’ve been reading (listening to, really) I Will Always Write Back, and it’s restoring my faith in dirtbag teen girls, esp of the 8th grade variety. Not sure I can bring myself to describe it as well-written, though.

        3. CleverManka +4

          For the fanfic, what fandoms/ships do you read?

          For the non-fiction, a friend I had dinner with last night highly recommended Although of Course You End Up Becoming Yourself which I never would have picked up in a million years but she said it’s surprisingly good and nothing like anything she’s ever read before.

          For the “anything great” option, if you like YA stuff, I take every opportunity I can to plug the books by my BFF, Tessa Gratton and her partner Natalie Parker.

          1. ppyajunebug +4

            At this point, I’d really love just fun, happy Marvel stories. Or Harry Potter stories. Or The 100, or Doctor Who, or really just anything that is about friendship and laughter and liking each other.

          2. CleverManka +2

            Oh, dear. I’m more of an angst person. Let me see if I can get some suggestions from my fluff-reading fangirls. I’ll comment back if any of them respond!

        4. fcjaugusta +3

          Between studying for quals I’ve been reading a lot of Arthurian/Celtic/Welsh myth (Morte, Mabinogion, Once and Future King, etc.), and it’s weird as hell without being, you know, freshman paper weird. Highly recommend. Unless that’s what you’re teaching, in which case I always find Terry Pratchett to be an excellent palate cleanser.

    6. atlasblue85 +4

      I haven’t been keeping up with the 100 because I’m frustrated by all the bait-y writing and whatnot BUT AHHHH I DIDNT KNOW HE GOT CAST AS SHADOW AND IM SO EXCITED ABOUT IT

      1. ppyajunebug +3

        I’ve seen the S3 premiere and they are way the fuck over the queerbaiting. Like, demolished through it 100%.

    7. femaelstrom +8

      I’m SO HAPPY. I know they promised ages ago that he wouldn’t be a white dude but I was still holding my breath. I couldn’t be more excited for this.

      and after it’s done….more Hannibal y/y

    8. theskyrbeast +2

      My post-essay-grading ritual is to put on old episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation and let the Captain Picard speeches flow over my brain and gently wash away my memories of tortured syntax and the pain of reading 30 answers to the same freaking question. (There’s only so many ways to answer a short-answer essay question, and if you’ve been to class, you *should* know what I’m looking for, so…the reading gets repetitive.)

      If comics/graphic novels are your jam, I love G. Willow Wilson/Adrian Alphona’s Ms. Marvel, and Noelle Stevenson/Brook Allan/Grace Ellis’ Lumberjanes series. And last weekend, I fell down a Star Wars: The Force Awakens fic rabbit hole, so I have SO MANY suggestions if that’s a fandom you like.

    9. popelizbet +3

      Cat Valente’s newest, RADIANCE, is all things and would be a great palate cleanser for freshman essays.

    10. dunaganagain +3

      How is this the first I’m hearing about American Gods?!! I’m so excited! But also, wasn’t Shadow Native American? Or am I misremembering? It’s been a while since I read it.

      1. Strophoria +3

        I don’t recall his race being specified aside from “not white”, but there were plenty of Native American characters

  11. bighairnoheart +23

    Applied for a post-school job on Sunday. Haven’t heard back yet. Have decided to pretend it never happened and that the entire organization doesn’t exist. Because clearly five days is enough time to just say fuck it and move on.

    Does anyone have any idea if there’s anything out there for a soon to be graduated history major?

    1. Rachel8489 +21

      Pretending it never happened is THE BEST WAY to deal with job applications. It doesn’t exist until they get in touch with you again. It’s the Ask A Manager advised way, and she’s my favorite job hunt advice blogger. You’ll be okay!

    2. gclouts +9

      As my career development center so helpfully points out in their email blasts every couple of weeks, the finance sector just LOVES history majors because of our ability to think analytically, write, and read! Which is oh so very helpful information for the people who decided to study history INSTEAD of econ or finance like 50% of their class. (Not that there is anything wrong with liking finance and history, just please send me some job notices about something OTHER than finance once before I graduate, I beg of you!)
      But there actually are a lot of opportunities for history majors in a bunch of different fields if you play up the ability to read and analyze a ton of information quickly as well as proven ability to write persuasively and analytically.
      Otherwise I guess we can just take to the sea…

    3. Hey_Cinderella +7

      Ooh! I’m a history major with a job in publishing and my history degree helps out A LOT. I can read quickly and get a lot from it, I can critically analyze, do proper research for my writing, and I can write fairly well and quickly. If you like writing/editing and the like, see if there are publishing companies in your area and if they have openings for assistant editors. In the meantime, it sounds weird but consider writing articles and submitting them to niche publications. I work for a company that does craft and textile magazines and we are ALWAYS looking for good articles that are thoroughly researched about our particular topic. (Related: if you have an idea for a sweet article about weaving let me know.)

    4. contrarianbear +9

      Gainfully employed history major. Well I work for the government so there are not many gains, but employed! In my experience if you just talk about your writing skills a lot people like that.

    5. m98widow +7

      History major working in finance right now. Your ability to write coherently and communicate your thoughts will serve you well in pretty much any line of business.

      1. bighairnoheart +12

        When I was young and dumb and lived for debate and was about to enter college for the first time ten years ago I thought I wanted to go to law school. Thank god I dropped out and joined the service when I did. I know exactly what I want to do now, it’s what I love, I just need a job to help me pay for the extra schooling.

    8. owlbrick +10

      Not that this helps you, but I was a history major who, in my senior year, got dissuaded from going to grad school by my profs who told me it was the most fraught decision they had ever made and encouraging me to run for my life away from academia. It was incredibly disheartening, but I moved on. I had loved the academic side of history, but realized they were right that I didn’t have the masochistic desire to see my words and ideas torn to shreds by advising profs with an emotionally vested interest in maintaining a power dynamic over me.

      I’m an aircraft mechanic now. I sometimes think wistfully about the academic challenges I might have been able to overcome had I stuck to it, but I don’t regret it, and I do have a challenging and rewarding career nonetheless.

      Which is all a long-winded way of saying that you might as well cast a wide net, because you could end up finding opportunity in an entirely different direction.

      1. OliviaPJones +3

        I am frustrated for past you and also want to observe that at the fancy school I somehow managed to finish my undergrad degree at, it was a freaking given that everyone would go to grad school because of course, whereas at my broke as a joke state school where I finished my master’s, the professors all tell you to run for the hills and that academia is dying, etc etc. So hmmmmmm.

        Anyway, since I’m a very unrealistic, optimistic person, I want to tell you that if you ever want to go back to grad school slllowwwwwly, one class at a time, just for fun, maybe you could/should! I had an amazing experience as a history grad student and my professors didn’t rip me down as much as help me excise some bad writing habits and teach me how to read books.

        1. owlbrick +3

          It was, not coincidentally, a state school.

          i may take that tiptoeing back in approach under advisement. I do miss talking/writing/thinking about history in a concentrated, serious manner; and my writing habits could always use a bit more tightening up.

    9. OliviaPJones +3

      Aaaaaah this is me in a few months. 🙁 But yes, here to say that we can do a lot of things! Things I have seen history majors doing: archival work, embassy work, tutoring, working for the government. Also anything involving research and writing is right up our alley!

  12. mmsees +60

    Dog thread?

    20160126_082219

    Dog thread! More shelter pups in the reply because I’ve been slacking lately (aka actually doing work on Fridays).

    1. mmsees +38

      The shelter pups continue to be excellent lights of my life, 10/10 would recommend hanging out with dogs if you’re having a hard time with anything.

      20160126_085926 (1)

      20160121_142328

      20160119_103100

      20160119_100420

      20151218_133942

      20151218_122126

      5. iosognodisonno +11

        How do all these dogs just patiently pose for you? I have the hardest time getting good pictures of dogs cause they always want to move the moment I pull the camera (phone) out.

        1. mmsees +8

          It’s WAY easier with dogs that know how to sit. Most of the ones where they are sitting staring straight at me I have my phone in one hand and either a tennis ball or food in the other that they are actually staring at and waiting for.

    2. goonerkate +14

      Oh man, I need a dog so badly. I am seriously considering going to a shelter in the next couple weeks and finding one. I really shouldn’t, because I just moved to the city and started a new job and am still getting my feet under me financially, but I desperately want one. I’m dog hungry like some people get baby hungry.

      1. mmsees +18

        As a person who is totally dog hungry like people get baby hungry but really cannot have a dog right now for a number of reasons, volunteering at a shelter has been a GAME CHANGER. Obviously that’s not an option for everyone (time commitment, convenience, quality of shelter, etc.) but I cannot speak highly enough about how much I’ve really enjoyed walking shelter pups. It’s even better than I imagined! If it’s at all an option for you, I’d recommend at least looking into it.

        1. goonerkate +8

          That is such a fantastic idea, thanks!!! I’m definitely going to look into it, I’m sure there are plenty of shelters around Chicago, and I really need a dog fix.

          1. socksthefish +2

            Oh gosh, can I recommend to you Felines & Canines on Devon and Paulina as an A+ shelter for both volunteering and pet acquisition? We got our pup there last year and I was back this past weekend helping a friend find a cat, and the facility and staff are just so excellent!

      2. maine_iac +4

        I experience the pup hunger as well– human babies I can take or leave, but show me a French Bulldog and I am DONE! I just started pet sitting through this website I found called DogVacay and it has seriously helped the hunger, as well as provided some much needed extra $$. I’ve only had a couple experiences on it, so I might end up changing my mind and hating it, but so far, it’s been amazing to hang with pups and get all the cuddles and kisses, but then get paid instead of having to pay! (Note– this is not at all a paid endorsement of the site!)

    3. ksek +15

      No dog yet, but mr. ksek agreed to a dog-getting timeline! By the end of 2017 (but possibly by the end of 2016), we will have a dog! I know that seems like forever, but we’ve got a good system of talking-and-thinking-about-life-decisions-before-making-them where we basically never end up mad at each other. So it works out pretty well.

    6. fakegeekgrrrl +43

      Dog thread!

      Dear doggie toasts, please meet my first ever dog, Lorelei!!! She’s a pitbull/terrier mix, we adopted her from the shelter, and we’ve had her for a month! She’s pretty underweight due to health issues we’re still helping her through, but she’s a beauty nonetheless. Her favorite activities are cuddling and stealing my food.
      pretty

      don't stop pets

      queen of the couch
      Bonus husband

      MERMAID

      no blanket unsat

      2. PaigePoo +13

        Oh my goodness! She’s gorgeous. We have a pit-mix too, and I love the way they curl up into tiny, tiny balls. They’re just so amazingly sweet and precious.

      3. mmsees +7

        What a sweetheart! The first dog I posted in my reply above is also a white pit mix (more of a lab/pittie) and I’m totally in love with her. Jealous of your adorable new addition.

      5. octopoda +6

        So cute! My first dog (who I still have) is also likely a pit mix with chocolate lab (maybe something else too who knows).

    7. owlbrick +25

      Dog thread!

      Earlier this week, I mentioned in that other dog thread that, about a month ago, we had adopted Luke, a little terrier mix who had been found as a stray. He’s still learning the lay of the land, but he’s settling in nicely.

      He’s remarkably chill for a terrier puppy, and at barely 5 pounds is incredibly easy to care for in our small house; but he’s so small I constantly worry about hurting him inadvertently. He’s tiny enough that it would be startlingly easy to sit on him or step on him by accident, and of course he always wants to be right at our feet or right by our seats.

      And yes, his ears are like that about 80% of the time, giving him a look of constant curiosity.

      I mean, how can you not love this scruffy little mutt?

        1. owlbrick +7

          I know, right? He’s smaller than most cats. He’s like a small chihuahua in size but with a terrier/teacup poodle body, with a slender build and long legs. He’s all skinny, too, and shivers when it’s cold and damp. He’s the eensiest.

    8. aitch_ess +37

      Here is my best bad dog, being a very lovable derp (I have a best good dog, too)

      My husband is leaving for a work trip and she knows what suitcases mean so she’s been trailing us closely since last night.

  13. ehmgeebee +14

    I need to Get Away. My clan and I had planned to head to Costa Rica in early April for spring break but we can’t go to Zika-having places this year. Are there warm nontropical destinations you’d suggest for outdoorsy mild adventures lasting about 10 days? Two competent campers and one very game 4 year old. Staying in Chicago through peak slush-and-wintry mix season isn’t a recipe for happiness.

    1. Pygmalion24 +5

      Puerto Rico is a very underrated tourist destination (and they could use the tourism dollars), and I highly recommend it! Beaches, rain forests, islands, rum, etc. Plus it’s within the U.S. and I think Zika hasn’t reached it yet.

      1. dunaganagain +4

        Unfortunately I think PR does have Zika–they’ve just officially advise women there not to get pregnant. I personally would stay away from the Caribbean entirely. But Hawaii is probably a safe option! Or California, which is less expensive to get to and has lots of hiking & adventure potential and is generally warm and not rainy by April (though the rains are forecasted to last longer than usual this year because of El Niño so maybe southern california is a better option). Big Sur is a beautiful place to camp.

      1. Hey_Cinderella +5

        I second the southwest! I live in Southern New Mexico and April is gorgeous down here and definitely before mosquito season (which we only get in my neck of the desert because of all the flood irrigation done at the local pecan orchards). You could do a great road trip filled with lots of camping, hiking, historical whatnot, and amazing food.

        1. jimmyjimjimjim +1

          Fly into El Paso hit Carlsbad, White Sands, maybe the Gila, Chaco Canyon, Bryce/Zion, Grand Canyon fly back from Flagstaff.

    3. Merripat +11

      I’m all for Hawaii, because I’m reading a book right now by a woman who won half a million at Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? and took a trip around the world, living in a different city each month, and Honolulu sounded AMAZING.

    4. annikkinstarkiller +1

      Hawaii if you can afford it, my folks went there before Christmas and loved it. Otherwise, CA all the way! I have a soft spot for Yosemite, having been dragged round it as a surly preteen by my parents and loving it in spite of myself. According to this website it won’t be that cold! http://www.nps.gov/yose/planyourvisit/april.htm

      Also seconding the recommendations for San Diego. Old Town is a lot of fun and I had some super tasty chocolate tortillas last time I was there.

    5. MaladyDee +1

      i’m here a bit late, but I’d suggest British Columbia – the provincial parks are amazing, and Zika doesn’t come this far north!

      1. Zelenka +1

        Not a great winter destination, though. It’s far north, with short dark days, and even the warm parts of southern Vancouver Island are chilly and rainy.

    6. spring chickens +1

      Corsica! Wonderful mountainous (but reasonable) trails and hiking all around the island. I know the plane fare it a bit more, but there is zero danger of Zika and it’s wonderful! Sicily is the bomb too.

      Or New Orleans?

  14. AVincennes +21

    Does anyone want to talk about… tidying! I and my husband had a conversation (literally just a conversation) about moving house, which means that I have been *going mental* on decluttering this week. It’s actually getting a bit inconvenient, I’ve spent most of the day just… seething at the fact that I’ve moved house with some really terrible CDs (who were Prolapse) up to five times! I want to go home and reassess everything in my life!

    Tell me your tales of decluttering, especially if you have got over being a hoarder. I used to find it really hard to get rid of things and now it is all I want to do.

    1. danelleorange +18

      I am in the midst of Kondo-ing my apartment. Why do I have these things I never wear. Why did I think I’d wear these? Do I really need the Shrek Soundtrack in my life (yes, I do)?

      1. AVincennes +13

        I have the Kondo book and have not read it! I want to get rid of what I can without Marie’s tough love, so by the time I get to it I’ll do the really deep cuts rather than feeling smug about giving away the “Goldmember” DVD.

        1. jenavira +18

          I actually found the Kondo strategy less painful than a lot of the other decluttering things I’ve tried – basically, you pick a category of thing (she has a suggested order, starting with clothes), grab all of the thing that you own, and pick out the ones you want to keep. To me it puts the focus on the stuff you keep rather than the stuff you get rid of, which is much, much less awful.

          It’s not going to work with books, though. If I put all my books into one pile, I’d never get out again.

          2. jenavira +16

            Well, there’s like 180 more pages than that – it’s very, very Shinto, and a lot of people seem really put off by that. (I kind of like it. And if I want to think my socks are grateful for being taken care of properly, why the hell not?)

          3. beachlass +12

            And for the last year, honestly – every day when I open up my top drawer, and my socks and panties are all carefully folded, it gives me a tiny jolt of joy.

          5. danelleorange +20

            I used to think like that when I was a kid. I was always sad about the socks that had lost their partners. My parents were like “Um, honey, the socks don’t have feelings.”

            I’m kinda glad it’s a real thing in other cultures, even if in an abstract way.

          6. mkmorrow +27

            Oh, god, I still have this feeling. I tend pull single socks onto my hand as puppets and make them sing sad sock songs (usually in an inexplicable French accent).

          7. Bryn (Plus Others) +6

            Our partner does that too — well, usually goofy songs in a French accent. I guess his socks enjoy being single. 🙂

          9. AVincennes +1

            I have read it! And thank you for your advice because it was really helpful. Unfortunately I read it on a flight and now I am away from home for a week, so I’m in an even worse state than when I wrote my first post now that I am an entire ocean away from all of this stuff I need to put in the bin/to charity.

            On the other hand, man was I carrying some appalling rubbish around in my suitcase and make up bag (not any more, though!)

          11. daystarre +16

            another testimonial to this fact! Extremely helpful in emotionally sticky cases like getting rid of presents from other people that I secretly don’t want. “The point of the gift was to be given to you! It has fulfilled that purpose! Thank it and get rid of it!”

    2. Pygmalion24 +11

      I recently moved out of my parents house, and I took the opportunity to do a massive purge. I’d been holding on to the most random crap, all tucked away in drawers and boxes, since I was little.

      The process is never totally over though, I recently took stock of my like 6 pairs of black tights and threw out all the ones with holes in them. I have two pairs left.

    3. SmrtCookie +12

      I come from a long line of hoarders and I have to consciously remind myself that I don’t need to keep every little thing. It helps that I actually hate clutter so I kind of bribe myself with knowing how good I’ll feel when things are pared down. Plus I tend to declutter in waves, like I’ll do one sweep of my clothes and just get rid of the really bad things and that will feel so much better that few weeks later I’ll get itchy to do another sweep and get rid of more.

      1. AVincennes +14

        When I said to my stepmother, “oh, I don’t really think of my dad as a hoarder” she pointed out that that’s because they have a second garage to house the strings and wires that he thinks might come in useful some day.

        2. SmrtCookie +20

          Oh yeah. It took a long time for me to recognize my family as hoarders because their living spaces are generally pretty clean and tidy. But then I realize it’s not normal to have a 3 car garage and never be able to park in it or a mostly finished basement that’s equally unusable. My sister still says they’re just bad at getting rid of things that may be useful. You know what else is useful? A garage.

          1. aqueousmedium +11

            Ouch, this resonates. My parents’ house is clean, uncluttered, and tidy. The garage, on the other hand, is unusable for parking because it’s full of boxes they’ve been hauling around the last bunch of moves. The boxes all have Excel inventory spreadsheets taped to them, so they are the most organized hoarders on the block, but hoarders they are.

          3. alder_tree +2

            I’ve found that one of the more positive side effects of having significant others come with me to my parents’ house for holiday dinners, is that they see where I get my messier tendencies from. Three car garage with no cars, and not enough floor space in their big house either.

            For my family it’s definitely an ADHD thing. I’ve pointed out to my parents that professional organizers exist and they have seen much worse, but they’re still too embarrassed to get help.

    4. coloredlights +8

      I really want to get rid of a million tons of my stuff but the problem is that I have no way to take it anywhere! Right now I have 4 garbage bags full of clothes/shoes, a bunch of coats, a chair, and a mattress taking up unnecessary space. But I don’t have a car, Goodwill is too far to walk, how am I supposed to take all that even in a taxi, and the only place that picks up is Salvation Army, unless you have a bunch of furniture to donate or something. What to do??

      1. AVincennes +7

        I’ve had success with freecycle for this – I know opinions on it are mixed but I manage the heck out of expectations, wait until I’ve got an “offer” from someone who sounds like they’ve engaged with the ad, and have no bad experiences.

        For you, I’d imagine that saying “plastic bag full of women’s clothes, mostly casual (or smart), size [your size]” would get you several offers of people to come over and take them off your hands. I’ve given away make up I’d used but no longer wanted before so people really do take most things.

      2. sparkwoodand21 +4

        Second the freecycle suggestion, and also just “curb alerts” on either freecycle or craigslist. You put your shit on the curb, list it, don’t put any contact info, and just take the ad down when it’s gone. I did this during one move with really random stuff (like, random assortments of cleaning products), and everything I listed was gone within an hour of putting up the ad.

        1. coloredlights +4

          Yeah, I’ve done the curb thing in smaller cities, but I’m in NYC and don’t want my building’s super to have to deal with my random shit that might still be on the curb when he’s putting the trash/recycling out. Also there’s a bunch of snow on the ground at the moment. If I still have the stuff when it melts, I may try.

          1. poppy +4

            Fellow New Yorker here. Donation is complicated here, I sympathize. You will just have to throw away the mattress, because no one in NYC accepts them for donation. You can totally use a taxi for the other stuff; I’ve done it. The main drawback to me was having to pay to donate my stuff, but then I always figure, “Would I pay $15 to have this stuff out of my life?” and the answer is always yes. At some donation sites, they will come meet you at the curb if you call ahead, so you to not have to lug it from taxi, down the block, up the stairs etc. Then all you have to do is be responsible for it from home to taxi and taxi to curb, which is not so bad. But I agree you might wait until the snow melts.

          2. coloredlights +5

            It’s such a good mattress, damn it. I actually just want to keep it, but it’s taking up stupid space.

          4. delphica +1

            In NYC, a good way to donate clothing and shoes is at the greenmarkets. Many are closed in the winter, but Union Square (and others) are year-round. I put my clothing in smaller bags, like shopping bag size, and take one on the subway/bus when it is convenient for me to swing by a greenmarket to drop off. It’s not as satisfying as four garbage bags at once, but little bags leaving the house are still LEAVING.

            You can get the info on what days are clothing recycle days at which market at grownyc.org/clothing

      3. fortunata +1

        If you’re in NYC, I think the Vietnam Veterans of America will also pick up through <a href=”http://www.pickupplease.org” target=”_blank”>www.pickupplease.org. They take all kinds of things (small household items, clothes, larger things like furniture, I think maybe mattresses***, etc.) and in my experience they’ve always shown up right on schedule and picked things up. You also don’t have to be home when they do the pickup, as long as you label what they’re supposed to take very clearly.

        ***ETA: Nope, apparently they won’t take mattresses, either. Here’s a list of what they will take, though: http://www.pickupplease.org/acceptable-donations

        One other option for the mattress might be to see whether a small local animal shelter/rescue can use it? Sometimes they take used bedding and towels, although I don’t know whether they’d be interested in anything that can’t be laundered.

        1. coloredlights +2

          Oh man I just got so excited at the thought that the Vets would pick up here – my parents have been donating via that method for years. Sadly the website indicates that they will not pick up in my zipcode (maybe they do in other parts of NYC?). Good thought though, thanks!

          1. fortunata +1

            Oh no! Sorry to hear they won’t do your zipcode. 🙁 I’ve donated to them from Queens, but it was a couple years ago, so maybe they’ve stopped or only do some boroughs. Best of luck finding happy homes for your stuff!

      4. OliviaPJones +2

        Were I you, I would rent a vehicle for a day (either a small moving van or a citycarshare or something similar) and enlist a friend to get rid of stuff together. I know it’s wasteful, but the mattress should probably go to the dump (unless you have trash pickup–either way you will probably have to pay a fee). You can get rid of your clothes and furniture together!

    6. sparkwoodand21 +10

      I get rid of shit all the time and I STILL occasionally find things from, like, three houses ago that I should have thrown away, like, three houses ago. How does this happen?!

      1. walrathem +9

        Moving sucks so eventually you end up with a box marked “drawer from linen closet” and you need things in that box so you just take everything out of that box and put it in the drawer in the linen closet in the new place. Rinse repeat. At least that’s how it works with me. I am allowed exactly one junk drawer. it is as perfectly junky as it could be with hair ties and old lipstick and rubberbands and replacement exato blades and such. I like knowing that I can have that one place to be a mess and then everything else can be clean.

    7. Bryn (Plus Others) +5

      Our housemate put an offer in on an AMAZING house on Tuesday, which sadly he did not get (because although it would be him doing the finances it would be the whole family moving, we would just be paying him rent instead of our landlords), but it made me passionate to declutter, and yet I keep getting stuck on the sentimental attachment front, or the ‘Someone really DOES want to read that book’ front, or eight trillion other things. I have heard many good things about the konmari method but I am not sure how to tell if things spark joy or not. So how do you do it?

      I definitely know that burning desire to declutter RIGHT Now and the frustration at not being able to — our daughter was sick two days this week so nothing has happened yet. 🙂

      1. AVincennes +5

        I don’t know if it’s part of KonMari – it might be as it’s something that I picked up recently – but I work from the basis that objects “want” to be used and enjoyed; if I’m not using an object, however I care to define that, someone else should have the chance to. Books are a great one to do this to because you think, “well I might read it some day!” – but someone else could be reading and enjoying it TOMORROW if you give it away, and that’s better than “some day”.

        Certainly I have a lot of sentimental attachments – I have relatively little from my childhood so what I do have I’m very soppy about – but lately I’ve been interrogating whether I have the same sentimental association with something else. E.g., if I have a book from a time in my childhood or young life when I was really happy, and also something that my dad whittled from the same period, I can give away the book because I get the same association with the whittled thing and that’s also unique to me and my family. When I write it down this feels like less about joy and more along the lines of – if I were to curate a museum exhibition about my life, would I want all of these objects in it, or just this object? I don’t actually think that but it’s closer to my thinking.

        GOOD LUCK, and I’m always open for a decluttering thread if you want to talk progress!

        1. Absotively +4

          Marie Kondo does say that objects “want” to be useful, but she goes a little farther than that. She basically says that if an object cannot spark joy by being in your life, then it wants to move on to the next stage of its existence, even if that next stage is the dump. Which I find harder to believe than objects wanting to be useful to other people, but it is a very helpful viewpoint when I can convince myself of it.

        2. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

          What you said about the condensing sentiment into a smaller number of objects makes brilliant sense — I will have to see if we can do this. And I also like the thought of allowing objects to be used/enjoyed rather than keeping them out of circulation… that fits very well with some people’s understanding of things. I will see how the next week goes and check in at the next open thread!

        3. alder_tree +1

          I’ve found that taking pictures of objects with my phone helps me get rid of them. It was the only way I could finally unload some clothes I no longer wore but had a sentimental attachment to.

          But then….I moved last month, and found out that a box of sentimental things had become soaking wet and was now covered in mold, and all had to be thrown away, and I’m not gonna lie, I cried off and on for several days, even though I had photos of some of it already.

          1. AVincennes +1

            Noooooo I am sorry to hear about your sentimental items! Photos is a nice idea – kind of a holding stage for things.

    8. popelizbet +8

      I am purging again after several purges because I do kind of hoard certain things. My “method” is just “get my friend B to help me” because I am bad at tidying and decluttering and she is good at it and somehow it’s easier to say “toss it” when she’s with me, plus she keeps me from getting off task. It’s a process.

      1. alder_tree +1

        I have a friend who helps me, too; and I sometimes find I cannot do it without her. I think it’s because she’s known me longer than any of my other friends, and she often knows the stories behind things I am having trouble getting rid of.

    9. OliviaPJones +4

      We are moving in six months across the country! With two cats! And we’re getting rid of absolutely EVERYTHING. No moving truck, just a minivan. We’re shipping books and art ahead of time and that is IT. It is both exciting and frustrating getting rid of things! Mostly because people are like “ooh, I want that,” but then they live 45 minutes away??? And expect you to rearrange you life to somehow meet up with them to give them this thing for free, casual friend-of-a-friend, when you have work and obligations and a life?

      Also my terrible sister in law (who recently said “historians are a dime a dozen” in reference to my graduating with a history degree) says nothing but seems to think she has dibs on all of our stuff and gets grumpy when people claim it first (“I really wanted that…”)

      But! Getting rid of stuff is amazing, especially when it goes somewhere that isn’t ruining the environment! We just got rid of 3 bags of office supplies I totally hoarded when I was in school (seriously why did I have like 150 pens???) by taking them to this terrific reuse depot that sells things to educators and the like and I feel so jazzed about it.

    10. Strophoria +4

      I am going on an epic bike journey this summer, and an epic hiking trip the next summer, so my goal right now is downsizing all my possessions so that they can fit in a large suitcase and two bins. My longsuffering partner has generously offered to store my things while I’m gone, as our lease will be up mid-trip but that means I have to decide in the next few months.

      Last time I did a big thing I made a mistake by getting rid of everything fancy and fun in favour of practical items, and now I have 1 million work t shirts but nothing to wear to a dance party, and tons of serious non-fiction doorstoppers but no fun novels. I don’t want to do that again!

      I’ve also lost a ton of weight recently and I’m not sure if I should get rid of the bigger clothes or hold onto them just in case I get chubby again – it seems likely that I eventually will but maybe by then I won’t like those clothes any more? But I need to make room for clothes that fit! Its a dilemma

      1. Skeleton +4

        I just unloaded a ton of stuff from my chubbier days to a flea market – it feels unreal, I still can’t understand I’ve lost all this weight. But yeah, I decided to get rid of all the bigger stuff because if I gain more weight I don’t want to just slip into the old bigger clothing waiting without assessing the situation, I want to consciously notice my weight has gone up again and remind myself I need to do something.

      2. GirlBob +4

        I used to be tiny like a really tiny thing, and finding clothes that fit super tiny me was REALLY hard, so I’ve got a real obsession with not throwing them out because I am worried that if I do I will NEVER BE ABLE TO FIND NICE CLOTHES AGAIN. Honestly, I am probably never going to be that tiny again, but you know, what if I am?! My eventual solution has been to keep only my absolutely most favourite clothes from my tiny period — particularly nice dresses, my awesome suit, etc., but not anything that I don’t look at and go “oh man, that is a truly awesome piece of clothing”. I know once I’m further away from being tiny!GirlBob I will one day go to my tiny clothes box and just move the rest on, but for now that’s my size compromise and it works for me.

    11. tenyaluna +2

      This is so late because this is the first chance I’ve gotten to sit down through a move. I tend to be ridiculously ruthless about my stuff through the moves. My internal monologue goes like this:
      When was the last you wore/used this? Can’t remember? At least more than a year? Get rid of it. And by get rid of I mean, 95% of the time, pitch it in the trash. If you keep thinking “well maybe great-aunt Suzie would kind of like this… Not that I’ve seen her for awhile” or “well maybe if I buy a new camera and clean out a corner and stuff I could think about putting it on eBay or craigslist..” No. Anything that can’t get out of the house in a week, whether donate or sell or leave it at work with a “free to good home” sign, just needs to go in the trash. If it is still in the house after a week: trash it. If this internal monologue makes me want to cry about certain items, then keep it for sentimental value and chalk it up to “this is silly but it would make me really upset to get rid of.”
      I also try and get rid of anything I can look up on the internet (instruction manuals comes to mind) or like articles I printed out or whatever.
      Get rid of everything.

  15. annecara +61

    Toasties, thanks for all your encouragement yesterday! I now have an IUD and also the day off from work, so I fully intend to do as little as possible. Details of the day are in a reply.

    1. annecara +13

      Before the appointment, I took a dose of naproxen and a Xanax. I knew I’d have to take a pee test (to confirm I wasn’t pregnant; no pee test = no IUD), so I was drinking water at work, on my way to the appointment, and in the waiting room. At least 20 ounces. And I just could. Not. Pee. So I went back to the exam room and drank three more styrofoam cups worth of a water, and luckily that (or the additional passage of time, who knows) did the trick.

      Unfortunately, by the time I got to the insertion, I was super stressed out because off all the time I’d spent trying to pee. I definitely did not have the desired level of Chilled Out that I’d been hoping for, and also had started shaking (shaking/tremors are an anxiety manifestation of mine). Once I was lying down, shaking seemed to have stopped. The insertion itself definitely hurt, but not as much/in a different way than I was expecting. I was able to breathe through most of it and monologue at my doctor to distract myself, but there was at least one moment where I said “Holy fuck that hurts!”

      Afterwards, I was a little lightheaded, so the doctor extended the table so I could lie down fully. And this is when I started to shake again hardcore. We’re talking full-body shaking plus some cathartic crying. The doc brought me tissues, and eventually I managed to pull myself together, take another Xanax, and get dressed. Unfortunately, I had not brought additional naproxen with me, so I had to wait until I got home (I had a ride; I could’ve managed to get myself into a cab, but it’s probably for the best that I didn’t have to) to take more. Once home, I took my medicine, heating pad, and cat and passed out on the couch halfway through the latest episode of Agent Carter. Dinner was pizza, garlic bread, and Haagen-Dazs Chocolate-Peanut ice cream. (I asked my husband to buy me a pint. He bought me four. <3)

      I did not take the heating pad off for the entire rest of the day, btw. These rank among the worst cramps I’ve ever had, because of pain level, but also because they would not respond to medication. I took more naproxen ~4 hours after I got home, and Midol ~4 hours after that, and I realize medication mixing is not good, but I also wanted to be able to sleep last night, so.

      Thus far today the cramps have not returned, and I’m having much less bleeding than expected both yesterday and today, considering both that I’m on my period and the intensity of yesterday’s cramping. Here’s hoping that trend continues!

      1. msjinxie +6

        Aside from a few hiccups, it sounds like it went pretty well, overall – I’m glad to hear it! Also very glad that you have taken a day to take it easy and hang out on the couch with a hot pad and snacks – very important to the recovery process, I found.

      2. emmysuhweeks +2

        Glad it went OK, overall! Yeah, those first couple days are intense — I had to go teach a dance class right after I got mine in and just sat on a stool the entire time, trying not to pass out. BUT! With mine, I rapidly got better after the first one or two days and was fine after that. Take it easy, lots of rest, feel better soon!

      3. SmrtCookie +6

        I got all lightheaded and shaky too, probably some crying too but I honestly don’t remember! In my case it was a vasovagal response, which happens with IUD insertions sometimes. It’s uncommon and not really dangerous but still scary, especially if you don’t expect it! I’m so glad your doctor took good care of you and you’re on the mend!

      4. alder_tree +1

        I dunno if you got the copper one or the hormone one, but yeah, the few days after were shitty. I had a Hitachi Magic Wand at the time, and holding it (on high!) against my cramping uterus was really helpful, but obviously I could only do that at home.

  16. ramina +35

    Toastfriends, I am feeling the Winter Doldrums really hard right now. I’ve been isolating just about everywhere – unintentionally! – and I just can’t shake the feeling.

    I hope all is well with everyone, and I know I will be fine once the snow goes away and the sun comes back more, but UGH I hate the winter months that don’t involve holiday lights. Can I please just fast-forward to March? April, even??

    2. mkmorrow +9

      Doldrums solidarity! And Toast hugs. I’m slowly creeping out of the worst of my cave hibernation hermit behavior, but it’s hard. It helps that every year I take a mid-February trip to the Dallas area and go to a yarn retreat with my sister. The temperature is often the same as Seattle, but there’s more light and it’s a vacation.

      Can you escape to somewhere sunnier? Even for a weekend?

    3. ksek +4

      I have developed a mindset in the past couple years where snow makes the doldrums easier to handle. Not because I LIKE now. I. Hate. It. But when I have to lace up my boots and equip myself with gloves, hat, scarf, etc., it feels a bit like preparing for battle. And even though people have been living in snow-prone areas for basically ever (and certainly since before furnaces and Isotoners), it makes me feel like a badass just for leaving the house.

    5. EllaAstor +3

      My cabin fever inflicted a very strange mood on me, and I wrote that strange mood into one of my stories. I read it to my daughter and she stared at me, full on, for about 2 minutes, before saying “uuuummmmmm” and looked at me with *concern.* The sun is out today and I’m drinking it in like a fine wine, but at the same time, it’s cold out. How can you be hot and cold at the same time? Winter, such a time of contradictions and moods. Internet hugs to your isolated self! (((( Elyse )))))).

    6. lrljhnsn +4

      yeppppp. i saw some sunshine last weekend and it helped for a while, and now i’m in a committed relationship with my bed again. hibernation until april: i’m for it.

    8. dashitall +5

      I’m offering doldrums solidarity too! Winter hits me hard, but instead of beating myself up for feeling cranky and antisocial I just kind of accept it and take the time spent at home to sleep more, make soups, and focus on crafts. Basically don’t feel bad, we’re all mammals and we’re, like, supposed to hibernate. You will emerge a beautiful butterfly in the spring.

      (also I am brand new to commenting hi nice to meet you!)

    9. emmysuhweeks +2

      I feel you! S.A.D. has hit me hard, and I hate it when people say, “Spring will be here before you know it!” Because no — not to us, it won’t. Embrace the isolating, I think? It works for me — I always feel WORSE when I force myself to be out and about when I know I really want to be hibernating.

  17. kaylaelisabethblog +107

    My Mom just called me about an hour or so ago and told me that my little sister has gone missing. I’m very worried about her- she has a pretty serious drug addiction and doesn’t treat herself the way she should. She’s been missing for two days now- so if you are the praying type- pray for her safety. If you aren’t- keep my family in your thoughts.

    3. logicbutton +12

      Will do. <3 I was in a similar situation not long ago – mine ended well, and I hope yours does too. Fuck addiction.

      1. EllaAstor +9

        My daughter is a recovering addict, and she too disappeared for days on end. You can’t help but think through every bad situation, and watch your phone like a hawk waiting for any news. Fuck addiction, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

    4. friendofdaja +9

      I’ll be thinking good thoughts for your sister being safe and your family having peace of mind.

    7. InsertCoolNameHere +7

      I’m the praying type – and also the sober type. Sending you love. It’s painful watching a loved one spin out.

      1. kaylaelisabethblog +17

        This prayer made me feel so at peace.
        thanks to all for the outpouring of love- it really is helping me to get through the day. I’ll let y’all know when I hear any news.

    14. kaylaelisabethblog +135

      UPDATE: My sister has been found, and my mom is on her way to her right now. Thank you for all the thoughts, prayers and support.

      8. robotneedslove +4

        Oh man – I was scrolling for this exact update and here it is. I’m so glad for you and your family, and I hope your sister feels some of your love right now.

  18. threatqualitypress +63

    ugh friends I saw an article about a lady who adopts foster babies from hospice care so they can be with a family before they die from fatal diseases and I’m basically wrecked. Just. For days now. I keep working very hard to make good jokes on twitter but honestly my heart isn’t in it.

        1. tenyaluna +1

          Thank you for sharing! I’ve done a lot of end-of-life care for adults, which is still worlds away from pediatric hospice have the utmost respect for those people. I didn’t even realize there was this need, but it makes complete sense. I don’t know quite if I’d be up for it, but maybe.

    5. threatqualitypress +49

      The whole thing just makes me sad and angry that something like this even needs to exist, like, I don’t know. What are we doing? What are all the things that we’re doing, that we still can’t this basic part right? The first thing you would do, if you had to build a civilization from the ground up — if the whole thing got wiped out tomorrow and we had to start over, the very first thing that you’d say is, “let’s make sure that every child that comes into this world knows that she’s loved and that she’s welcomed and that people care about her, even if she’s only going to be here for a year or six months or a day or a week.”

      And so what the hell is all of the rest of any of this for, if we still can’t get this part right? How can any of it — anything that we fight over or build or care about — how can any of it be right if this most fundamental part is still wrong?

      I love this lady because I wish I could do what she does and I know for sure that I couldn’t, and it kills me that it needs to be done and it kills me that she has to do it and it kills me knowing that I never could.

      Ugh.

      1. Maryaed +2

        I don’t even know. You know there is also an organization that collects donations for families who want to adopt some of the huge number of Down kids who are in Eastern European orphanages? The people who do it are super-Christian but I’ve given them money before because it’s heartbreaking how bad the outcomes for those kids are if they aren’t adopted.

        I don’t actually know the stats on people who give up their disabled kids worldwide but I have dark suspicions.

    6. firstmute +15

      I read that story while lying with my (not terribly) sick daughter before bed and it absolutely destroyed me.

      1. threatqualitypress +14

        yeah my five-month old is fighting off his first cold, I imagine that didn’t make it any easier for me to cope with this

  19. kilks401 +7

    If any other NBA fans want a couple of fascinating reads, this one about how Kristaps Porzingis navigated the NBA draft to get to the team he wanted to play for is really interesting. http://sports.yahoo.com/news/the-unlikely-story-o… and this one about how he struggled when he moved to Spain as a 15 year old but was able to persevere is really good. http://www.si.com/nba/2016/01/26/kristaps-porzing…

    It’s easy to oversell how globalized the world is, but watching his ability to navigate the US and the NBA at such a young age is really something else, especially in New York City.

    1. avocadoavocat +2

      Man, it is SO fun to watch Porzingis after the shit show that has been (and often continues to be) the Knicks. Thanks for sharing!

    2. mariahnotmaria +1

      I wanted to take it on Tuesday, but like the dummy that I am, I didn’t log in until 5 til 8 and the website was all wonky! I knew I could have taken it other nights, but I (shockingly) had social plans. Ughhh, maybe next year.

      1. kilks401 +3

        I’ve been mostly avoiding the Blake Griffin story. Punching people is a bad idea, c’mon. He’s not 20 like Jahlil Okafor, either.

  20. SmrtCookie +11

    Who all took the Jeopardy test and how did you do?? I took the Tuesday test and probably hit 36ish/50? Fingers crossed! I wish I would have taken it Wednesday, those questions were right up my alley.

    1. coloredlights +5

      Good luck! It hasn’t been 18 months yet since I last went to the live audition phase, but I think I can take the test again next time around. I’ve done the live auditions twice but never gotten any further.

      1. roz_doyle +2

        SAME! dammit! I’ll never tell the world my boring anecdotes at this rate!

        …actually Tuesday it wouldn’t let me login, but whatever.

    3. ksek +4

      I am SO UPSET about my Wednesday test. I THINK I got 34. But there’s one that I should’ve got and I might’ve got, but I can’t remember what I put.

      But the good news is, that I’ve gotten closer every year. So hopefully within another year or two, I’ll start regularly getting at least enough to be put into the pool of potential-in-person-audition people.

    4. gclouts +2

      I took it Tuesday too! I definitely did a lot better than I did on the College Test, but I’m not sure exactly how well that was. My problem was the test kept freezing for 3-4 second intervals so I didn’t have enough time to read and write the answers for a few questions.

      1. SmrtCookie +2

        My test did one major freeze- probably almost a minute- definitely enough time for me to jump on twitter and see if everyone else was freaking out too. I got the full 15 secs on every question so hopefully it counts. My sister tried to take Tuesday’s test too and got completely frozen out. Ugh, Jeopardy, get it together!

    5. anthemyst +2

      *wave* Feeling pretty good about it, although I haven’t looked up the answers yet (I tried yesterday). I only started doing it two years ago, my previous two attempts were generally 3-5 questions short of what they needed to be.

    6. Biblioholic +1

      I took the Tuesday test also. I think I got 34. My bf took the Wednesday test and it was SO MUCH EASIER!!!! I’m so angry about it. He had questions like ‘This word is often seen with ‘cloak and’, and pertains to spying’, or ‘this french term means pie with ice cream’. What. I got questions about the first opera at the Cairo opera house and he gets cloak and ___????

      1. SmrtCookie +1

        Wednesday was so much easier! I would have gotten 40+ no problem. But I thought Thursday’s was waaay harder, so at least we didn’t take it then?

        1. Biblioholic +1

          Yeah I just looked at those. I would have gotten <30 on that one, so maybe I’ll just stop complaining about Tuesday.

    7. angrypedestrian +1

      I took Wednesday’s and I’m still kick myself over the clavicle one (I just. could. not. think. of the word), and the Sutter’s Mill one. Otherwise, I definitely got over 30, probably 35-ish.

      My mom has been in the contestant pool twice (but never gotten the call to actually go on the show), and she said the second time she got an audition, she thought she did really poorly, so it just depends on the year!

  21. rhymeswitheight +14

    Did any Toastrons watch the Magicians premiere? I have twisty thoughts and feelings. I was snowed in for five longgg days, so ended up watching out of bored curiosity – I’ve read the first two books and kinda forgot what happened. (there are spoilers for the books and tv show in here, including some sexual violence things, for those who want to avoid either/or!)

    Putting in a reply because it got long and ranty.

    1. rhymeswitheight +15

      I want to like The Magicians because (I think) I want it to be something it isn’t. Love the idea of older teens/20 year olds learning magic! Intrigued by the idea of mental health and magical powers being somehow intertwined! That dude with the vests was really good looking! Generally down for unusual fantasy stories!

      BUT, after watching, I looked up the plot of the books and realized that I actually did not read the third book because I was so angered and upset by the second one. Definitely continuing my third book boycott.

      And as interested I am in the story/world generally, and seeing some of this stuff depicted on screen, I HAVE NO INTEREST AT ALL in watching a “fox god” rape one of the characters. I am actively repulsed and upset by it. Don’t want to watch the smartest magician sacrifice her life for a whiny drip boyfriend, to become magic embodied or whatever. Gauging from the scene where Julia gets her shirt ripped off and is tied to a radiator, the show’s ~going there.~ (Ugh, hate violence and sexual assault as “edginess.”)

      Then I went down a rabbit hole of reading blog and tumblr posts about how bad the books are with women characters – agree, and the more I remembered from the books, the more I agree! And I guess I’m just pissed and sad and frustrated – why does this become the default plot for so so many stories? Woman has to be abused, violated, forgo autonomy of her body in order to gain something important. (Meanwhile, man gets to play at wizard college.) It’s unoriginal, it’s so often gratuitous. If you’re creating a fantasy world anyways, why are you going with this derivative plotline?

      tl;dr, I wish the story treated women better because the world and idea is so cool and I would love to read about it/watch it, but not if it’s going to fucking trash all the female characters.

      If anyone would like to complain with me, I’M HERE FOR IT.

      1. mspetuniawiddershins +15

        I am here to complain with you. Quentin is THE WORST. Julia is THE BEST, but the books seem to keep forgetting that and forcing Quentin on us as the protagonist?

        Not crazy about the show. Some cool stuff does happen in the third book (I won’t spoil) but, yeah, I so wanted these books to be something they weren’t. Like, in theory it should be better than it actually was.

        1. rhymeswitheight +12

          Julia is so much better than Quentin. I read an interview with Lev Grossman where he said initially, Julia was only going to be at the very beginning of the series. She’d fail the magic test and then be gone. But she pulled at his writer heart/brain strings or whatever, and got her own book. Unimpressed that his idea of a great story for her was … what he wrote.

      2. SmrtCookie +22

        I would really like to watch/read The Magicians if they were written by women. The books would be so much better if Julia was the main character. I still watched the first episode and between the shirtless radiator scene and an interview I read somewhere that implied fox rape was definitely happening I don’t think I’ll watch the rest of the series.

        1. rhymeswitheight +13

          I would really like to watch/read The Magicians if they were written by women.

          YEP.

      3. firstmute +15

        I’m finishing the third book right now–I resisted reading the series for so long, even though it’s right up my usual alley, because I KNEW it would make me rage in many different ways–and ARGH.

        What really upsets me is that I actually get the impression Grossman thinks he did a good job writing well-rounded female characters and dealing with sexual assault. Like, he probably really was trying, it’s just that he can’t imagine any other way of writing a female character’s arc.

      4. contrarianbear +11

        YES ALL OF THAT. I love the worldbuilding and the questions so much but oh my god the actual storeis NO.

        I’ve liked the TV show but definitely won’t be able to watch once they leave book one.

        1. rhymeswitheight +6

          Yeah.. if only they could stay at Brakebills and just depict magical college and Julia’s adventures in the magic black market. There’s so much material there!

      5. lilyreads +10

        Ahh, I know what you mean but I’m glad I finished the series. I hated the first one AND Quentin until the very end and then I read the second one and after that I decided to just finish the series and I’ll say here that the third one was spectacular for me. My roommate also read them and we both agreed that Q finally grows up – I mean, in the third one he works with a college girl and never once has the desire to mess her up in any way – and the ending is really lovely. Also, at one point in the third book I just started crying uncontrollably and that part still gets me Every. Single. Time. So now I really like The Magicians, but, seriously, the first time I read the first book I nearly threw it across the room.

        As for the TV show, argh, I want to like it but that second episode was awful, just awful, except for Eliot, who is pitch perfect. Syfy got a MAGIC COLLEGE and that’s what they did to the second episode? And yes, the treatment of women in this show . . . whyyyy?????

        1. aqueousmedium +5

          The ending of the second book upset me so much that I just flat refused to read the last one when it came out, but having watched the first episode of the show I’m planning to give the third book a try and this gives me hope, thank you.

          1. lilyreads +4

            Actually, now I remember putting the second one down for a long time, like, a month, and almost not finishing it. Basically, Grossman finally fills everyone in on much-needed Fillory backstory and it’s heart-breaking (at least for me it was). I hope you like it!

      6. floridagal1 +14

        “Woman has to be abused, violated, forgo autonomy of her body in order to gain something important. (Meanwhile, man gets to play at wizard college.)”

        YES THIS. Honestly this author creeps me out.

      7. ladybug_bee +7

        I AM HERE FOR THIS THREAD 1000%.

        When I finished the 2nd book I was so angry I almost threw it across the room – I would have, but it was an ebook and my phone didn’t deserve that. But oh man. Burning rage. I can not remember being so genuinely furious at a book, possibly ever.

        So much loathing! I want to like it! I love some of the world building and some of the concepts, but the way the women in this series are handled is enough to make me want to light someone on fire. Quentin is the worst, I can not even believe how much the show made me want to punch him in the face, especially considering how much I loath book Quentin to begin with.

        Ooooooohhhh yeah, I watched the pilot with a good friend of mine, and we got FURIOUS at that scene with Julia – WHY. WHY ARE YOU FURTHER UNDERMINING JULIA’S CHARACTER ARC. Ugh fuck that shit.

      8. alula_auburn +4

        I have the episodes DVR’d, but your reaction seems basically to be mine–I loved the idea, and I especially loved the idea in the second book of following someone who ISN’T the chosen one–who knows magic exists but is excluded from it. And the ending made me so incredibly mad. It seemed like such a CHEAP rape.

      9. snani +4

        I was so upset by That Scene that I emailed the author in a rage. He wrote back, saying that it was a scene he thought a lot about, consulted with a lot of people about and, on balance, thought was important enough to the story and the character to include.

        I don’t really agree with him, but knowing it was something he’d cared about let me read the third book. YMMV.

    2. irreverantontheinternet +7

      Have not watched or read the Magicians because I have heard discussions about all those issues you mentioned and just made me nope.

      Which just makes me really sad because I love books and shows with magic and strong supernatural elements but I feel like they are so rarely done well. I checked out Shadowhunters and found it kind of painful (though what I expected from the network that gave us Secret Life of the American Teenager is debatable), Supernatural is no longer enjoyable to me… it’s a genre area I’m so frequently disappointed in, I don’t really know where to turn to get my fix

      1. rhymeswitheight +5

        If you’re up for a book recommendation, I just finished Lair of Dreams by Libba Bray. It’s the sequel to The Diviners, which I read a WHILE ago, so I don’t remember it well but I remember liking it! And Lair of Dreams was pretty good. The characters are well done, and there’s fairly diverse character representation across the two books (definitely in second; not totally sure about the first). The magic element is pervasive but they aren’t in a fantasy setting or anything.

        Actually, Libba Bray has another series with teenage girls at boarding school and magic, set in Victorian England. I loved them in high school.

        1. irreverantontheinternet +2

          Hilariously I am currently reading that! (Well, on hiatus from reading that because Grad School). I definitely enjoyed the first Diviners book/Bray’s writing so I will look into the other series of which you speak.

          1. rhymeswitheight +4

            Lovely!

            I just thought of another one – Shades of London by Maureen Johnson. Modern, magic, murder, also boarding school. Apparently my only reliable books in this genre are by YA authors.

      2. lilyreads +1

        Have you heard of A Darker Shade of Magic by Victoria Schwab? The sequel is coming out this spring and the first one was pretty good. Also, Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman. The ending to that and The Magicians are ridiculously similar, but Neverwhere is just fantastic all around. The BBC also did a radio adaptation of it a couple of years ago that has James McAvoy, Natalie Dormer, Benedict Cumberbatch, and Romola Garai.

        1. Notreallydorine +3

          Neverwhere is my favorite book. Favorite favorite. When people ask me why, I often can’t pin down exactly why it is. And every couple of years I pull it out to try again to see if the magic is different. . . but every time, it has some sort of magic hold on me. Love that book. On one hand, wish he had written another book in that same world but on the other hand. . . maybe another one would ruin the magic. I dunno.

    3. msjinxie +2

      Just based on the first episode, I think it is a total garbage show that I will enjoy tremendously. I know nothing about the books (though based on other comments here perhaps that is good, since it sounds like they would make me mad) but the show itself seems just ridiculous enough to appeal to me.

      1. rhymeswitheight +5

        I bet I would agree with you completely if I didn’t know how the story turned out. It was pleasantly ridiculous!

    4. Bryn (Plus Others) +5

      I have watched the first half hour of the pilot and tonight the plan is that we are going to get ribs and watch the entire pilot and the second episode with our partner, because I am sure it is problematic in like 80000 ways and I encourage people to rant and hate it (if they do, I am not reading your rant yet because of spoiler fears) but … something about the novels just went right to our backbrain and lodged there and the first 30 minutes of the pilot were …. oooooh, I do not even have words for it, we do not do the fandom thing very often at all, but this, THIS is our thing. Probably because it bears such a strong resemblance to certain parts of our childhood. 😛

      1. rhymeswitheight +4

        It lodged in my brain as well – I have been thinking about it all week! The story/world is appealing to me in so so many ways, but I got to a point in the books where I couldn’t deal. I want to love it, which makes the bothersome elements even more disappointing.

        I hope you enjoy your ribs and watching! It’s a great feeling when a show/book/movie captures you that way.

        1. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

          Thank you! I will doubtless have many things to say during next week’s open thread.

          There are plenty of things in this world that I just cannot cope with the UGH of so I very much understand how that goes. I am not sure if for us this is going to be a cracktastic pleasure or very cathartic or both. 🙂

    5. floridagal1 +12

      I just finished reading the second book, and found it really upsetting. Men should not be allowed to write rape at all, it is not a plot device, it’s a real thing that happens to humans. (I don’t get the impression that Grossman actually sees women as real or human in the same way men are anyway, though.) I’m so sick of it being the shorthand for “complicated backstory of female character”. At least at the end of the second book Julia gets (sorta) her happily ever after? Quentin is so fucking useless.

      2. rhymeswitheight +7

        I would like to send a size 72 font letter that says “rape is not a plot device” to all writers – books, tv, everyone.

    6. lhazelgold +2

      Wow. I read the first book and left it with almost no urge to read the sequel. I was pissed about Alice and I basically had no sympathy for Quentin at all. While I liked the idea of Julia as a hedgewitch, the plot didn’t pull me in. Reading this thread it seems like the second book was much worse and I feel pretty validated.

  23. Pygmalion24 +17

    Any advice for someone who is currently dating two different people (casually, non-exclusively)? It has been moving very slowly with one, which just makes me think it’s meant to be a friendship, and very quickly with the other, which has more relationship potential. I think it might be time to have two conversations: define the relationship with the latter and end things with the former. I’m just nervous because I’ve never even been close to being in this position before, and have very little dating experience in general. How soon do these conversations have to happen, and what do I do in order to not be an asshole? (I am secretly worried that I’m already being an asshole.)

    1. RudyRed +12

      They should happen sooner rather than later. In order to not be an asshole… just be honest? IDK that one’s harder. You’re not already being an asshole though, based on this limited description.

    2. Ziska +3

      I was in this exact position back in November! It was not as hard as I thought it was going to be, and I felt so much better once it was over! (I, too, was worried I was Secretly Terrible, despite my friends’ reassurances.)

      I think these convos should happen as soon as you’re certain of your feelings. Otherwise, in my experience, it feels duplicitous to continue dating someone I know I want to break up with.

      But really, it was not nearly as bad as I was expecting!

      1. Pygmalion24 +6

        That is comforting, thank you! Yeah, honestly the reason I’ve put this off is because I’ve been unsure of my feelings and what I want. But because it feels like it’s moving so quickly with one of them it seems to be about time to have the Talk, which will prompt the other Talk. Basically, Talks are a necessary evil.

    3. robotneedslove +11

      Anecdote: When I first started dating my intended (I can’t with the word “fiance”), I was dating/sleeping with someone else, who was not serious, but I liked as a friend, and really liked having sex with.

      So, after maybe… 4 or 5 weeks, my intended had a “DTR” talk with me. And I told him that I was seeing other people, really liked him, but needed a bit more time before I was ready to be exclusive. He was like “ok” and then we dated about 6 more weeks and I was like “I NEVER WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE ELSE EVER AGAIN can I be your girlfriend” and he was like “yay! ok!”. And here I am, three years later, a monogamous little clam. I just needed a bit more time to know my heart.

      Anyway, I guess my point is: you can do things on the schedule that feels right for you, you should definitely be kind and honest, but it is not your job to anticipate/guess other people’s feelings and manage your behaviour accordingly – it is your job to feel your feelings first and foremost. And be kind! Of course!

      But basically I feel like, in the modern world people generally should assume that you are not exclusive until you have a conversation to the opposite effect, and it’s ok that you’re not exclusive right now, and you should only initiate a change when you know what you want – not because you think it’s what someone else wants.

      If you’re feeling very anxious about it, or that the situation merits more disclosure it’s also perfectly ok to say “I really like you, and I see this going somewhere. I feel like the honourable thing to do is to tell you that I’m currently seeing other people. How do you feel about that?” and also “I’m enjoying spending time with you, but I feel like I should tell you that I’m not sure we have a romantic future. How do you feel about that?”

      You are not an asshole.

      1. Pygmalion24 +4

        This is the best advice ever and exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you a million times over.

    1. BobOfSeals +52

      I hope this is the year people learn to keep her name out of their mouths- she will always clap back and you will always lose.

    5. sourwatermelons +23

      Honestly I’m a little sad to completely give up on Kanye, long time supplier of Jams, but I can’t do it anymore. I doubt I’ll be listening to his new album and I wanted to put on his music as a post-work energy boost yesterday as I walked home and couldn’t bring myself to do it. THANKS FOR RUINING YOUR OWN MUSIC FOR ME ‘YE! But on the plus side, Amber Rose is indeed a goddess and seeing her calmly and collectedly ruin him is amazing.

      1. middlemarch +33

        Oh man, and the thing is, under any other circumstances I would say it’s completely uncool for someone to publicly taunt an ex for their love of butt stuff.* But:

        1. Kanye has been making comments for a while now that Amber is ~dirty~ because she was a stripper

        2. And inversely, that he somehow is not dirty for doing “dirty” things with her??

        3. That now he is with a ~classy~ lady (who is classy because… sex tape? idk, kanye logic)

        4. And also said a bunch of awful stuff about Amber and her child and his like… ownership of them?

        If there were ever a moment to get gleefully specific about an ex’s sexual peccadilloes, this was it and she knocked it into the clapback stratosphere.

        ETA: Kanye just felt the need to tweet this and it is GLORIOUS: “Exes can be mad but just know I never let them play with my ass… I don’t do that… I stay away from that area all together”.

        Dude. DUDE. This does NOT MAKE YOU LOOK SECURE IN YOUR MASCULINITY.

        * Humans have been doin’ stuff with their butts since the dawn of time. Straight dudes need to chill.

        1. sourwatermelons +13

          Yeah I said something to this effect in the link roundup yesterday, but to me it amounted to “I know you well enough to know this will deeply embarrass you so I’m putting it out there on the internet to make you stop talking shit about me and my kid”. She probably knew that it would cause widespread mockery, but I think it was less about making fun of him and more about getting him to just fucking shut up.

    6. Xolandra +3

      Just two days ago I was chatting with a colleague about Kanye being a royal dick who does not respect ladies, and she was livid, and I was like “but he gave me Amber Rose and I owe him a debt of honour because she is glorious perfection”.

  25. iosognodisonno +12

    Looking for some knowledge: I offer doggy day care on Rover and heard from a woman last week who wants me to watch her Yorkie puppy during the days. Which mostly, as I’m partial to Yorkies (used to have one myself) was a big “yay!” But then she mentioned on our call that the dog isn’t fixed – not because it’s too young, but because they “want to leave that option open.”

    Is anyone very familiar with the issues that arise with unfixed dogs? I know males can get more aggressive, but this is a female and I’ve made it clear I will not be watching her when she’s in heat. For the rest of the time, is she likely to act like any other dog, or will there be issues? What if I end up watching another male dog at the same time (a fixed one, naturally)?

    It’s pretty much the default where I live to get your dogs fixed, so for all the many people I know with dogs and the large number of them I’ve been around – this is still a pretty foreign issue for me.

    1. Goomaly +8

      I own an unfixed female and she’s a-ok, completely normal dog while not in heat. In heat she gets a little more nest-y and protective of her space. However if you don’t want to deal with her in-heat (totally fair) then you might want to just say no. Since it’s coming up on springtime and all.

      Fun fact: a fixed male dog can still have a good time with an unfixed lady dog.

      1. iosognodisonno +4

        Thanks! Most of what I’d read suggested unfixed females act totally normal when not in heat, but I wasn’t sure if it affects the dynamics between multiple dogs much.

        1. MilesofMountain +4

          My parents got one of their dogs when she was unfixed (and fixed her shortly after) and the shelter workers told them unfixed females can be a bit more aggressive towards other (fixed or unfixed) females. I think that that really depends on the dog in question, she’s still a bit of an asshole to other female dogs even though she’s been fixed for years.

    2. Roisindubh211

      Intact females don’t act too weird , w used to have two and they were fine even around our friend’s two males (they were fixed)

    3. arachnidette +1

      At least she told you before you got the dog! I don’t think it should be any issue as long as the male dogs around her are fixed. But unfixed female dogs can get a bit testy and more territorial, mostly around when they go into heat but not always.

      I Rover too and I had a dog I watched for 3 weeks who was not fixed and they forgot to tell me and she went into heat in the middle of the stay 😮 And she had fleas. Still only my second-worst dog sitting experience!

      1. iosognodisonno +1

        Good to know. I’m a little worried about her going into heat while she’s with me, but since it’s a doggy day care, worst case scenario I have her for part of a day that way (and am planning on suggesting they leave her crate with me, in case).

        So…what was the worst?

    4. spring chickens +2

      A.J. Ackerly wrote a quirky wonderful book about his unfixed female dog, called My Dog Tulip.

      There is a longish bit about what happens when he takes her out for walks and she is in heat. Basically, sometimes you just don’t, because all the male neighborhood dogs come running. Also, sometimes she menstruated and there were tiny drops of blood (!). But mostly it seemed like she was a normal and charming dog — and the book truly does offer a thoughtful and really nice description of the relationship between a human and his dog. I don’t even particularly like being around dogs, and really liked this book. Maybe your library has it?

  26. danelleorange +29

    Starshines, the Provost agrees with Records Management being a thing we need, as does the registrar. I am relieved and certain that I am THE MOST AWESOME.

    I learned there was such a thing as “The Cod Wars.”

    However, I still can’t date because omg anxiety, my cotehardie is like ALL CLEAVAGE ALL THE TIME. And I may be having an allergic reaction to my pillow.

    But all hail your new Records Management Overlord anyway.

    2. alder_tree +2

      Hah, I lived in Iceland for a few years as a kid, so at least I know the Cod Wars were a thing.

      Though for hilarious names of historical events I still prefer The Defenestration of Prague. Of which there were multiple. Apparently when the people of Prague want to overthrow their leaders they throw them out of windows.

  27. LacaunaKale +99

    Guess what! I’m leaning into being a crazy old woman and going on a knitting cruise in May! (Copenhagen, Norway, Scottish isles)

    Tips for making a long haul flight more bearable? I’m already planning on yoga pants and compression socks. But like how do you sit in coach that long without excessive back pain, and even with drugs how do people manage to sleep on planes?

    2. carly927 +17

      Tell me more about this knitting cruise. That is a thing? Who runs it? Who goes on knitting cruises (would I be the youngest person if I went)? What’s the itinerary of a knitting cruise?

      As for long flights, get up and walk around/stretch as much as possible. And even then, I have yet to find a way to avoid being in some amount of pain by the end.

      1. LacaunaKale +29

        craftcruises.com Based on the rav group, I feel like at 33 I’m going to be the youngest. IDGF though, because YARN

        1. gripyfish +9

          I went to this website IMMEDIATELY and now I’m dreaming about abandoning all my responsibilities to sail the world buying yarn.

        3. Household_Opera +3

          Ooh, I was just looking at that cruise yesterday! I don’t think I can swing it this summer, but SOMEDAY. Tell us how it goes!

    5. brujaja +13

      I get up and walk around a lot- like to the point I wonder if other passengers think I’m a total weirdo. But whatevs, I just try to be as considerate of others as possible- not disrupting drink or meal service, only doing stretches which involve serious limb movement in the unoccupied sections near the bathrooms. Having an aisle seat is my preference. I’m rarely able to get any real sleep on planes.

      Your trip sounds really fun! I still have about 4 skeins of wool I bought in Norway 10 years ago which has seemed too precious for any actual project. Very silly of me.

    7. beachlass +4

      I have three books just started:

      Lafayette in the Somewhat United States – for Toast book club. Does it get… more interesting? Because. Um. IDK.

      Good Boss, Bad Boss – thanks for the rec! Brought it along as my salon read this morning, very engaging; and already useful

      Short Stories by Jesus by Amy Jill Levine – one of my most favorite new testament writers

      1. hawthorn_tree +3

        hey, I just started the Lafayette book for book club too and am underwhelmed! I’ll probably read a little further before deciding whether to abandon it.

      2. mariahnotmaria +2

        I’m in the same boat! I read about 30 pages of Lafayette last night and am not loving it. The style of writing and the lack of chapters is killing me.

        I did check out The Rise and Fall of the British Nanny, as recommended by Nicole earlier this week, so I am hoping this one will be more intriguing!

      3. JauntyGhost +7

        I’m not a toast book clubber but chiming in to say I abandoned it. But I have 10 library books checked out right now on my kindle, and 21 days to read them all. I’m a Book Roomba and I do not intend to get stuck under a boring book.

        Non, Je ne regrette rien!

    8. Absotively +7

      I forgot to put earplugs in my carry-on when I took an overnight flight, and I regretted it. Take earplugs.

      Drugstore brand ones generally come in regular and extra soft. Get the extra soft.

    9. msjinxie +3

      This sounds AMAZING and I am very jealous. As to the fight, I’ve yet to figure out a way to make long-hauls more than just barely sort of comfortable. Invest in a good neck pillow, at least – I’ve found that can actually make a little bit getting some sleep a little easier.

    10. mkmorrow +8

      That sounds amazing and fabulous.

      Long flights: I find the bucky-style neck pillows helpful. I like to wear a light cardigan I can use as a blanket and potentially pull up over my face. If I really want to sleep, I take a Dramamine (kind of multipurpose – knocks me out and keeps me from feeling urpy in turbulence). I bring books (kindle app on my phone), audio book, music, and knitting (in the sweet spot between complicated and boring – something like socks with a stitch pattern). I keep my earbuds in even if I’m not listening to anything because I really don’t like it when people talk to me. Bring a bottle of water, because drink service will not give you enough water to prevent dehydration, which combined with the jet lag will make you feel awful.

    12. deleted3333252 +5

      Fun!

      I take Xanax for fear of flying and I still don’t sleep beyond dozing off for a few minutes. (I never did before my fear began, either, it’s just not comfortable!) So, perhaps a cat nap and then when I arrive in Europe I force myself to stay awake til around 8pm then sleep all night, and that usually gets me over the worst of jet lag. So, no *real* tips there.

      Otherwise, I dress comfortably (stretchy pants or a comfy dress and tights, slip on shoes) and in layers. Remove shoes while sitting. COMPRESSION SOCKS. I prefer to sit on the aisle (can stretch legs and get up without disturbing anyone) and drink lots of liquids (take something every time they come around with water, plus usually my own water bottle) so I stay hydrated and have to go to the bathroom often, which keeps me moving. For entertainment, I prefer to listen to podcasts or watch movies, since I find reading difficult on a plane for whatever reason. Generally, just have lots of options so if there’s nothing you want to watch in-flight you can read, and if you get sick of reading you can listen to music, so on etc. I have also brought coloring books and logic puzzles before! HAVE FUN!

    13. alder_tree +2

      Not gonna lie, when I finally get a chance to travel internationally I’m thinking of just asking my psych nurse for a benzo. I already get borderline-claustrophobic on planes when the flight is longer than a couple of hours.

    14. bookwormV +4

      I have flown between the UK and Australia and the UK and India a few times in the last few years. Long-haul flights are not fun, but definitely doable. I didn’t get back pain, although I was a bit stiff by the end of it. On long flights I try to walk around if I can (it’s tricky if you’re in a window seat, or if the aisles are often blocked by food/drinks trolleys, but whenever I go to the loo I take the opportunity to pace up and down the aisle a bit) to keep my circulation going. When I went to Australia last time my boyfriend and I took headphone splitters and listened to the entirety of Cabin Pressure (a 30-minute radio sitcom about a charter airline, starring Benedict Cumberbatch); it is good to have something light to keep your mind off the boring aspects of flying, and I found that listening was sometimes easier than reading (after you’ve been on a plane for hours, it’s hard to concentrate enough to read). My carry-on bag is normally a rucksack that lives under the seat in front of me, but I have a smaller bag inside it containing things I will definitely want frequent access to, like a water bottle, my iPod, one book, some of the snacks I have packed, lipbalm, etc. – they are then all in easy reach, and at the start of the flight I can just pull that bag out of the bigger one and put the stuff in it in the seat pocket or on my lap.

      Enjoy the cruise, if you go! It sounds great.

    15. spring chickens +3

      What an great cruise!

      Lower back support. At least, if you’re a short person like me, and the seat curves in the wrong places for you so that you end up having to lean your head forward the whole flight because the seat is forcing the back of your head forward (instead of supporting the neck like it does for tall people). It makes a huge difference for me if I put a pillow right where the lower ribs are — fairly high actually — so that it straightens out my back. And leaning the seat back a little helps too — that way the stupid curve on the seat is further back overall so your head is being pushed forward less. WHY they make the seats like that, I have no idea — there are so many short people in the world and also children are short, and it is SO bad for the back, wtf.

  28. chiaroscuromom +10

    Book / reading thread!

    I am listening to I Will Always Write Back, and it is restoring my faith in humanity, even self-centered spoiled suburban teenage girls.

    1. cait0716 +7

      Over the last week I read both Parable of the Sower and Parable of the Talents and I’m basically in awe. They were so rough and draining and also so full of hope and I absolutely loved the contrast between Lauren and her daughter (and her brother, really). They were really just beautiful and so wonderfully dense. I’m going to be chewing on them for a while and possibly revisiting them in the future.

      For now, I’m turning towards something lighter with Captain Vorpatril’s Alliance which, wow, started fast and kept right on going.

      1. dunaganagain +3

        I just read Parable of the Sower last month! I really liked it but wasn’t motivated to finish the series. Sounds like I should.

    2. evieskye +2

      Just finished The Sunlit Night by Rebecca Dinerstein (liked it!). Currently finishing up Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert (really excellent) and Spectacles by Sue Perkins (of course I’m enjoying that. keep stopping to google her gfs though)

    3. rangiferina +10

      I’m reading Garlic and Sapphires by Ruth Reichl after it was mentioned in the comments earlier this week – a lot of fun so far! I think it’ll be a nice “in between” read before I start my next book club book (The People in the Trees).

      I also finished The Sandman: Overture last night, which was soooo gorgeous and reminded me of how Formative this series was for me in high school. I’m definitely going to start a reread of the whole series soon.

      1. cait0716 +5

        Ooooh, I need to get the new Sandman. Should I re-read the series before jumping into the prequel, do you think? I can’t actually remember how many times I’ve read the series – it was my go to for a while in college. But it’s been years now since I read them.

        1. rangiferina +3

          I think you’re fine not re-reading – it’s been years since I read the series too and although I sometimes had moments of “who is that again? wait… I should know this reference…” I was fine for the most part. 🙂

      2. Thujaplicata +3

        I’m reading Garlic and Sapphires too! It’s so fun, and also so weird. I’m loving it. I’m also reading “Scandalous Women: The Lives and Loves of History’s Most Notorious Women” and it’s… okay. It’s been pretty white and western focused so far, which is a bit of a disappointment, but I’m only halfway through, maybe it will improve with time.

      3. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

        I really love Ruth Reichl’s memoirs, and as a multiple system we found Garlic & Sapphires particularly entertaining. 🙂

      4. dunaganagain +1

        I read Garlic and Sapphires a couple of months ago and loved it! And then I read Comfort Me with Apples and it was unexpectedly devastating.

    4. kilks401 +5

      I just finished Empire Ascendant by Kameron Hurley, which is confusing, but also fascinating and awesome and I keep thinking about it. One of the best descriptions of a society (1 of quite a few in the book) with actual misandry, not ironic misandry.

      Currently reading The Sleepwalker’s Guide to Dancing by Mira Jacob, which is really good, but sadder than I was expecting.

      1. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

        We have just started on Empire Ascendant after reading The Mirror Empire, and I agree with the confusing and fascinating!

    5. peregrination +5

      Just finished David Byrne’s “How Music Works” yesterday; working my way through “On The Map” by Simon Garfield, which is about the very human history of maps.

      I’m trying to read more nonfiction this year, and since I’m finding it makes me think about things with more purpose and more focus and in different ways than I usually might, I am even more committed to keeping up with that goal. Next on the docket: a biography of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, because he is fascinating and also I just read one about Houdini back in the fall and the relationship between the two of them is craaaazyyyy.

      1. dakimel +3

        Oh, what’s the ACD book called? I’ve been thinking about him lately, and am curious about his life.

        Edit: and the Houdini, for that matter – I heard a bit about their connection, but I’d love to know more about the bonkers!

        1. peregrination +3

          “The Adventures of Arthur Conan Doyle,” by Russell Miller, and “The Secret Life of Houdini: The Making of America’s First Superhero,” by William Kalush and Larry Sloman.

          I haven’t started the ACD one yet, but I hiiiighly recommend the Houdini one! Really intriguing, very in-depth. He’s an absolutely incredible human being, SUCH a character, and now one of my very favorite historical figures.

    6. alicia +12

      I finished Station Eleven (good, but A Canticle for Liebowitz has not been displaced in my heart) and I’m about to start The Night Circus. FYI, I’m really enjoying the “bitches gotta read” group on FB (Sam Irby’s reading group).

    8. viviennestreet +8

      I haven’t read this yet (next weeeeek!) but I am both psyched and nervous about the new Bujold book. I felt pretty meh about the last couple Vorkosigan books, but this one’s about Cordelia. It has to be awesome, right?

      Also, I finally read Penric’s Demon and wanted it to be so much longer. I’m really curious about Desdemona’s relationships with her previous hosts, and how she ended up with Divines in the Bastard’s Order and how she felt about that. I hadn’t realized that there’d be a queue to get a demon from dying Divines–ending up with a demon always seemed like such a random, chaotic thing (and from how it worked out with Desdemona, it doesn’t seem like the inheritence scheme works as planned very often at all).

      1. lizzythecat +7

        Literally just started Shards of Honor this week! I’ve heard such good things about the Vorkosigan books that I couldn’t wait to start.

      2. hawthorn_tree +6

        Getting away from all Cordelia’s male relations and back to her sure sounds like what the series needs at this point.

    9. contrarianbear +5

      A College of Magics for the hundred millionth time, no regrets!

      Also while snowed in I read a bunch of books by people who spent non-military time in war zones and disaster areas (reporters and aid workers) and it was concerningly appealing? I don’t think I want to actually do that, but I’m perversely attracted to having a mission that you can’t put down no matter what.

      1. contrarianbear +3

        ALSO I think that Feris and Jane are great femslash candidates should anyone want to Make That Happen.

    10. PomoFrannyGlass +2

      Still reading Eve’s Hollywood, which is A+++ and relevant to Toast interests. Also started Patti Boyd’s memoir, on the reco of someone in one of these threads, so thank you!

    11. jenavira +4

      I have like five hundred novels half-started and all my brain will process is nonfiction. I’m almost done with an academic ethnography of coroner’s offices (surprisingly fascinating), halfway through a ranty book on how sex differences don’t really exist (the confirmation bias, I haz it), and I’m thinking either Danse Macabre next or maybe one of these trashy true crime paperbacks I have lying around.

    12. sourwatermelons +9

      I finished The Girl on the Train which was distressingly boring and predictable, and now I’m reading Hunger Makes Me a Modern Girl which is badass so far and I love it.

      1. PomoFrannyGlass +9

        I was not impressed with Girl On the Train. Those characters weren’t unlikeable-real, they were unlikeable nightmare monsters, all of them. Points for story structure and momentum though.

        1. sourwatermelons +6

          Yeah I definitely read it quickly but hated everybody (except for the roommate, poor Cathy). And not to spoil the ending, but I felt like the twist wasn’t much of a twist. It was all just very predictable.

          1. dakimel +3

            I wish you would spoil the ending. I gave up on the damn thing, because even the momentum couldn’t compel me to keep reading one.more.damn.page about these people. I spend some time looking for spoilers once, and nothing revealed it.

            I wish I didn’t care, but it was such a phenomenon I can’t help wondering what I’m missing. Or “missing,” as the case may be. (Not enough to bother going back to it, though.)

          2. sourwatermelons +5

            You know I’m trying to remember all the details of the ending and having kind of a hard time and I finished it 2 days ago. BUT (spoiler alert for those who care) basically Rachel suddenly remembers that on the night the woman died she saw her ex-husband get in the car with Megan after he assaulted her because she was drunk. This leads to some ~personal revelations~ about how he actually wasn’t the dream man she thought he was and that he was able to get away with a lot of abuse because she blacked out all the time (maybe that should have been clear when he knocked up another lady, hon) and she realizes that he must have killed Megan. At the same time his new wife finds a phone in his gym bag and listens to the voicemail message and realizes it’s Megan’s, also has some revelations. Basically the ex-husband killed Megan because they were having an affair, she was pregnant and got upset at the possibility that he might not want to be involved with the baby, and he murdered her. And it ends with Rachel showing up at the ex-husband’s house, he is super creepy and the wife is complacent and she kills him with a corkscrew to keep him from hurting her, but it’s ok because the new wife backs up her story. The end?

          3. dakimel +4

            well that’s dumb.

            I get that being a blackout drunk screws with perception, but (in addition to that making her a character I didn’t want to spend time with) how was it not obvious to all readers that dumb husband was the shadiest from day one?

            Okay, thanks for explaining, so now I never have to go back to that book.

    13. ArguablyMagalis +5

      I’m reading The Master and Margarita which has been on my to-read list for years and years and I’ve never gotten around to until now. But I am very much not in the right mindset for it I think. It’s too heavy for my current winter/snow-bound brain. Nothing on my bookshelf looks remotely engaging/interesting, so I’m trying to get myself into this one.

      I did read the newest Lemony Snickett book (All the Wrong Questions number 4) last week during the snow storm, and that was about where I’m at mentally.

      1. alula_auburn +2

        Seriously, Lemony Snickett can totally break your heart at the end of a series! At least, he does mine.

        1. ArguablyMagalis +1

          Oh he absolutely does! I didn’t like All the Wrong Questions as much as I liked A Series of Unfortunate Events, but the ending was definitely well done (though sad!).

    14. erinkwed +8

      Currently reading My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante. Probably starting one of my February reads tonight, but debating what.

      I’m reading at least 75% Black authors in February and have found some great looking mystery series that I’m looking forward to digging into. It’s actually really hard to find lists of books by Black authors that aren’t super depressing (though often very important) books. Where are the Black romance novels? The Sci-Fi? These are the questions I have right now.

      2. rawrbook +9

        I recommend NK Jemisin for Sci-Fi/Fantasy and she has some romance-ish stuff in her Hundred Thousand Kingdom Books!

        Karen Lord’s “The Best of All Possible Worlds” is social science-y Sci-Fi (like Ursula LeGuin) with a love story as well that I absolutely adored! And then Nnedi Okorafor’s work is excellent as well, and I love her novella “Binti”.

        Also 2nd Octavia Butler. And if you like short stories, there is this recently published anthology called “Octavia’s Brood” by authors of color who do social justice work.

        Hope that helps!

          1. rawrbook +1

            Me too! I went into reading it not knowing what to expect, and it was one of my favorite books that I read that year. Social Science Sci-Fi with great characters are some of my favorite, and yet I never seem to read enough of it.

            Have you read “The Galaxy Game” yet? It’s sequel-ish, but it left off on a place where I desperately hope there is a 3rd book coming.

      3. chiaroscuromom +6

        NK Jemisin! Who I have not read but only because my library cannot get her books on CD, so I cannot vouch personally but everyone says she is wonderful.

        Octavia Butler! Who writes about the future with a mixture of sad and hopeful? I really like all of her books, for different reasons. I wish she were still here, still writing.

      4. ellehmariat +4

        In addition to Octavia Butler (I’ve read the Parable books and the Xenogenesis series but couldn’t get into the Patternist) and N.K. Jemisin (I’ve only read The Fifth Season so far and it was fantastic) I also recommend Nnedi Okorafor. Akata Witch was delightful!

      6. TheRenleigh +3

        Re: black romance novels, I’ve only heard good things about Beverly Jenkins. I haven’t read anything by her yet since I’m a relative newcomer to the romance genre, but they discussed her newest book, Forbidden, on the most recent All the Books podcast and it sounded really interesting.

        2. hawthorn_tree +1

          Rebekah Weatherspoon is an amazing black romance writer. I’ve heard good things about Jenkins too but haven’t read any of her stuff yet.

        3. Ms__M +1

          Beverly Jenkins is very good, although I’ve only read one of hers. I would like to read more, particularly her latest. Also, Alyssa Cole’s “Be Not Afraid” looks HOT (and takes place concurrently with some of the events of Hamilton, if that is your jam).

      7. kilks401 +4

        The Acacia series is epic fantasy by David Anthony Durham and is excellent. Someone mentioned Nnedi Okorafor. I love Who Fears Death? by her. If you don’t want brutal, then Lagoon would be a better choice for her though.

        Sorceror of the Wildeeps by Kai Ashante Wilson is fantasy and is mostly excellent, though I didn’t like the ending. Everything by NK Jemisin is good, but the Fifth Season is a bit of a brutal read at points.

        Karen Lord’s Redemption in Indigo was really interesting and good, I liked it more than The Best Of All Possible Worlds., but I liked that well enough. I haven’t read it yet, but I do plan on trying to read Dhalgren by Samuel R. Delany, which is supposed to be good but challenging.

        Oh and I plan on reading A Stranger in Olondria By Sofia Samatar, because I’ve enjoyed her short fiction quite a bit. It’s fantasy, I’m pretty sure.

      9. Roisindubh211 +2

        Nalo Hopkinson ! More fantasy in some of her books but they are great, can’t recommend them enough.

      10. irishbreakfasttime +1

        32 Candles is a great romantic comedy. It has some dark stuff but it’s also very funny.
        Silver Sparrow is a great book, it’s not NOT sad, but it’s not “sad bc racism,” it’s “sad bc humans,” and also certainly not 100% relentlessly sad.
        Everything, Everything is a great YA romance, another one where there’s plenty of dark sad bits but they’re not because of race.
        Akata Witch is the only Nnedi Okorafor book I’ve read, and it was a little too much of a kids’ book for me, but it was very very fun and made me excited to read her adult books.

      11. Surprised By Bees +1

        The Coldest Winter Ever is YA, not romance or Sci-Fi, but I’m going to mention it because although it covers a lot of dark territory, it’s written in such an entertaining way and it’s so funny. Definitely not depressing.

    16. ectocool +5

      Making my way through the longlist of 2016 Tournament of Books. Right now I’m on The Silent History, by Eli Horowitz et al. It’s giving me so much to think about. It’s about this new condition that hits children at birth in the not-distant future that renders them completely unable to communicate. There’s major ethical, educational and societal issues woven into the narratives, and ugggghhh it’s amazing.

      Up next is Seveneves by Neal Stephenson, mainly because the premise reminds me of Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century.

      2. dakimel +2

        Are you reading it on tablet? Or online? Or how?

        I’ve read 7 of the TOB titles now, and can’t decide which will be next. Probably Oreo by virtue of it’s brevity & the fact that I have a lot of fat books checked out all due back on the same day. Minimize my inevitable fines that way.

          1. dakimel +1

            Interesting! On my Goodreads Rooster! group they were discussing the online / interactive reading experience & how that enhanced the book for them. I’m glad it’s thought provoking when not ties to the app format.

    17. maggiegrift +3

      About 30 pages away from finishing The Satanic Verses (very good!) and I just picked up a hold from the library on The Water Knife (a no-water dystopia) that I’ve heard good things about.

      1. chiaroscuromom +2

        Interested in your review of The Water Knife! A friend had to abandon it, citing misogyny, so now I’m hesitant.

        1. Notreallydorine +1

          Oh no! I’m only about a fifth of the way in and so far things are bad for the women characters but I was hoping that was just the setup. . . hmm.

      2. arachnidette +1

        Satanic Verses is so good! It was the first Rushdie book I read and it was great. I just recently read White Teeth by Zadie Smith and I felt like there were lots of interesting connections that I wanted to look at, but I haven’t.

    18. houblonchouffe +4

      I started Women With Attention Deficit Disorder by Sari Solden last night. A+++ would recommend.

    19. iwouldwalk500giles +4

      I read Postcards from the Edge while watching over my grandfather last night. It didn’t have my full attention, but what I got out of it was fairly good.

      I’m listening to the audiobook of Lafayette in the Somewhat United States bc Hamilton and Nick Offerman plays George Washington in it!! I’ve also started reading the Gaskell biography of Charlotte Brontë.

    20. rawrbook +4

      I just finished The Argonauts by Maggie Nelson and The Galaxy Game by Karen Lord both of which I’d recommend.

      For the last two months I’ve been making my way through Nagasaki: Life After Nuclear War by Susan Southard which has some really painful and gut wrenching history about the nuclear bombing of Nagasaki and what it did to survivors.

    21. Bryn (Plus Others) +9

      I just finished _Orchids on Your Budget_ by Marjorie Hillis which is a 1930s ‘so you need to live on less money than you’re used to’ book. I loved it, it included a chapter on whether or not you can afford a husband, explaining that there are lots of men who are cultured and educated and loving and thus make very good companions but don’t have any money so aren’t married. I have no idea how tongue in cheek that chapter was supposed to be, since it just takes it for granted that the woman would be supporting the man, but I loved it anyway.

      Now we are reading Dinner at the Homesick Restaurant by Anne Tyler which I am kind of unnnh about. It seems awfully manipulative.

      1. ArguablyMagalis +1

        Marjorie Hillis’ Bubbly on your Budget is currently sitting in my “to read” stack next to my bed! I loved Live Alone and Like It so I’m very much looking forward to her budgeting books too!

        1. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

          I think that is the same Hillis book retitled for the modern audience, and if so I give it two thumbs up!

          We also have her _Work Ends At Nightfall_ which is a drama? in poetry? about 7 career women in New York in the 30s, with pen illustrations of the characters by an artist named DORA and it is … well I am not sure what it is. Fascinating and exceptionally man-focused so far.

          1. ArguablyMagalis +1

            I just glanced through my copy, and it definitely has the “Can You Afford a Husband” chapter, so I think you might be right! I definitely am looking forward to it now!

            Work Ends at Nightfall sounds interesting too! I’ll have to look that up!

    22. aitch_ess +6

      Currently reading Code Name Verity (ooph) and listening to Six of Crows. If you’re in the market for a young adult fantasy series, I highly recommend the Grisha trilogy by Leigh Bardugo. Six of Crows is the first of a new series in the same universe and I might like it even more. The audio recording has a cast of six and they’re wonderful.

    23. girlinterupte +3

      Sense & Sensibility (for class), Alexander Hamilton, and The Story of a New Name. I’m really trying to resist my urge to read 70 books at once as I am wont to do.

    24. dunaganagain +3

      I’m currently reading a book called Kava in the Blood about the 1987 coup in Fiji. It’s on the list of books I’m reading for my blog, but it’s so incredibly boring that every time I read it I fall asleep (which may have something to do with being pregnant and tired all the time but still is not a very good reflection on the book). I’ve been reading it for a week and am less than 30 pages in. Considering abandoning it.

    25. dakimel +3

      Hard Knocks by our own Ruby Lang- I’m half through & it’s delicious
      A Tale of Two Cities on audio, so I can bug Kid2 by telling him my favorite bits while he reads it for class
      And since I finished my own book last night (okay, at 4 am), I get to start Elizabeth George’s A Banquet of Consequences now.

    26. TheRenleigh +2

      I’m reading Zeroes by Scott Westerfeld, Margo Lanagan, and Deborah Biancotti. It’s good! It’s kind of like X-Men mixed with Runaways but with Kilgrave-ish mind-based powers.

      1. aqueousmedium +3

        Bee Wilson’s Consider The Fork! It’s a wonderful examination of how the evolution of cooking was driven by the invention of various cooking implements.

      2. kilks401 +2

        I have not read it yet, but The Jemima Code: Two Centuries of African American Cookbooks by Toni Tipton-Martin looks very interesting

      3. chiaroscuromom +2

        I don’t know if this fits what you’re looking for, but I read Bones, Blood & Butter by Gabrielle Hamilton last summer, and enjoyed it.

        Also, the Julia Child biography, Dearie, is phenomenal. She was an amazing force and a groundbreaker in many areas. I found her story fascinating and very educational.

    28. rolotomassi5 +2

      After reading The Lady From Zagreb without realizing it was book 11 in series I got the first Bernie Gunther novel March Violets. The books have it all: they take place in Nazi Germany, the hero puts up with but loathes Nazis yet is tolerated because he’s a great detective and he frequently butts heads with the Gestapo and the majority of Hitler’s henchmen. Can’t wait to work through the series, book 12 comes out later this year.

      1. Ms__M +2

        Ahhhhh, I didn’t realize Philip Kerr ever got past that one set in Havana! (I think) I read the first three and loved them, but just accepted that he kind of jumped the shark, based on reviews of #4. Good stuff?

        1. rolotomassi5 +1

          I haven’t read books 2-10 (yet), but book #11 (The Lady From Zagreb) was extremely entertaining and a hell of a compelling whodunnit.

    29. RabbitIsland +3

      I just started a book called The Oddfits. I’m curious if anyone else has ever heard about it or read about it since it appears to be a series. I just stumbled upon a kindle deal one day and took a shot in the dark. It’s pretty good thus far though! A fantasy series that takes place in Singapore, which feels fairly novel to me at least.

    30. notebook-keeper +3

      I just finished the new KonMari book and I am going to KonMari my life again, maybe this weekend!

      Also I just joined goodreads if anyone wants to be goodreads friends! I am still figuring out how it all works but here is me: https://www.goodreads.com/erikawynn

  29. themegnapkin +192

    Hey! I did my first oral argument (I’m a lawyer) this week, and I won!! The judge ruled from the bench!

    9. popelizbet +7

      First is always special. Gratz counselor! (has her first appellate oral argument looming and is super nervous)

  30. Es_Petal +66

    Bring out your cats! Saffron thought the comfiest place in the house to lie down yesterday was partly on her water tray (which she has because she likes to empty the water bowl into the tray), partly on the catnip fish/doorstop, and partly on the floor.

    Lovely comfortable water-dish bed.

    1. smallpistachio +45

      If I’m under a blanket, Feline Julie Andrews is under a blanket.

      (sorry about the quality, it’s dark under the blanket.)

    3. MilesofMountain +52

      All I have this week is an Instagram photo of Moxie pouting because I’m folding laundry and not chasing him

    4. femaelstrom +39

      This picture from 2 years ago came up in my Timehop the other day and I cannot get over it. Ari is ~3 months old in it, and Mika is being the best big brother ever.

        1. turanga_leela +7

          It’s a Tile. There is a chip in it, so we can find her if she gets out. It is way too big and a little awkward. She is good at slipping out the door and was out all night once last month.

      3. tabwootwo +13

        My cat loves this too but his favorite is to sneakily jump in between the mattress and box spring when I lift that part up. He’s a real dare devil. One time he did it and I didn’t notice for like three minutes until, “What is that weird lump in the middle of the OH MY GOD NO”. He’s fine.

    1. actuallycabbage +4

      I just started Ritalin and it makes me feel like everything is going Really Fast. I’m getting a lot done but I’m not sure if it’s because I’m more focused, or tripping balls. Anyone have experience with this?

      1. LadyPoopjokes +3

        How long have you been taking it? I totally felt like I was on Actual Drugs for the first week or so, before things settled down to a nice, relaxing hum. I’d give it a couple weeks to see how your body adjusts, and if the weirdness doesn’t go away then definitely talk to your doctor about alternatives!

        Also definitely join the slack group, it’s wonderful!

      3. alder_tree +1

        It’s possible your dose is too high, or that you need a longer-acting formulation.

        My first experience with a too-high and immediate-release dose of Ritalin was that I felt WOO EUPHORIA and then crashed two hours later and felt like shit. Adderall worked far better in the long run, but I also tolerated Ritalin way better as Concerta or Metadate.

      4. Strophoria +3

        The first couple weeks usually feel like Woo, Drugs, but it should chill out with time if it’s an effective med for you. Ritalin makes me really speedy even at super low doses, so I take Concerta instead. It’s less rollercoastery and I can take a high enough dose to get the effect I need. I have a 5mg Ritalin prescription anyway, to take as needed or on days where I wake up too late to take my Concerta. I mostly use it as a hangover cure tbh, which is definitely off-label use but it totally works.

        If you do go on a longer acting formula, note that if you take it after 10am you’ll be up all night. Also don’t take long acting meds if you’re planning to do recreational stimulants later. Even if you’re not feeling focused anymore, it can mess with things. For me it just made the MDMA not work at all, but it could be bad!

  32. longlostlullaby +61

    Things accomplished in Prague so far:
    -Found and moved into an apartment
    -Got a SIM card and monthly plan
    -Started working
    -Got a monthly metro pass
    -Halfway set up a bank account

    Still to be done:
    -Get a visa
    -Get the bank account actually active
    -Make some friends
    -Probably a million other things

    1. Pygmalion24 +8

      Well done! It’s so overwhelming when you move to a new country and realize all the stuff you have to take care of yourself. Looks like you’ve made impressive progress!

  33. gclouts +7

    Does anyone know anything about the Museum and Exhibition Studies masters program at the University of Illinois in Chicago? It sounds like a really cool program and I was wondering if anyone had personal experience with it.

  34. redheadedwolf +29

    AUGH I just remembered that last night I dreamed that Kylo Ren was my boyfriend, and at first this was amusing (he hadn’t yet donned his black robes, instead wearing a…robin egg’s blue version), but then it got scary. O.O

    I had R2D2 and BB8 with me, and I was struggling to get them out with me (of course I couldn’t leave them behind), but it was difficult and harrowing. Also there was a snowstorm outside, trapping us in.

    You guys, I’m not even a Star Wars fan, I’ve just seen the movies and been steeped in the heavy dose of content these last few months.

    1. Thujaplicata +7

      I just saw the new Star Wars for the first time last night and I’m kind of surprised that I didn’t have dreams about it. I hope that your dream self did manage to get the droids out through the snowstorm and away from the tantrumy manchild that is Kylo Ren.

    2. mkpatter +7

      I woke up this morning thinking that it was October and I was going to be an X-Wing pilot for Halloween and I hadn’t even started my costume yet.

      1. redheadedwolf +7

        Mmph, yes. My memory is that it was amusing at first, like you’d expect, but he started to get really creepy, controlling and possessive and menacing — also like you might expect. I haven’t been in a scary relationship like that, thank God, but I remember feeling hunted and worried, trying to plan my escape and keep up a front with him so he wouldn’t expect anything, wondering when the best time would be, how to avoid enraging him most.

  35. Marie +7

    I know I’ve seen many pregnancy threads and wanted to share what I’ve found this week that I love! (I’m 20 weeks pregnant with our second). I’ve been listening to the podcast “the birth hour”. She talks to a variety of women with a variety of birth stories and it’s been so nice to hear others birth stories.

    Does anyone else have a good place to read or hear birth stories? I’ve been soaking them up.

    1. deleted3333252 +2

      I (38 weeks ACK!) lurk on the subreddit BabyBumps and people frequently post birth stories there. It’s really interesting to read them, especially the detailed ones. Of course on forums like that there are always things to take w/a grain of salt but generally it’s a pretty reasonable group overall, and the birth stories are one of the best parts.

      I also have read a lot of bloggers’ birth stories. Just googling “birth story blog” brings up a lot of them. DailyGarnish’s 2 birth stories are some of my favorites because they are well-written, detailed, and very different from each other. http://www.dailygarnish.com/2011/10/cullens-birth… http://www.dailygarnish.com/2013/10/grahams-birth…

  36. jsmccloud +99

    Toasts, say hello to my newly freed from the shelter kitty Lavinia! Lavinny is currently basking in the finest rugs avaliable at Walmart in northern Wisconsin.

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Also, it is my day of cake, and I shall be celebrating with friends and Chinese takeout tonight.

    1. robindavisdesign +23

      Did she escape from the shelter herself? Because those acrobatics look like she could instigate a jailbreak.

    3. redheadedwolf +8

      Wonderful name for a wonderful kitty! (i.e., I chose Lavinia as my pen name at age 11)

  37. AmyEntropy +31

    Yesterday a guy stopped me on the street and asked me where the AA meeting is. “It’s in a church”, he said. He went on to explain that he’d “fallen off the wagon”. I wasn’t able to help him; there are some Buddhist temples in the area, but no churches I know of. He continued walking down the street talking about how his daughter wants him to lend her $7000. I hope he’s okay.

  38. PonyAlong +34

    Just a quick and VERY BIG BOTTOM FROM THE HEART thank you to the Toast commentariat for supporting “My Dog, My Laundry, Myself” Instagram account. It is helping me greatly with focus, persistence, and best of all, my creativity; it’s like being back in the studio! Can’t wait to pick my fave five and turn them into art cards!

    And added bonus: next week, I’ll be launching my “Homesteading” series (my artsy-fartsy side) and my abstracted, super simple and bright colourful “Indian Pony” series (my pop art, 70’s kid side) on RedBubble.

    Once again, THANK YOU TOASTIES for the love, advice (yup, I bought the DSLR and hoo boy, it made all the difference) and support!

    1. InsertCoolNameHere +2

      I love your Instagram, I look forward to seeing what you do! I’m crescentmelissa on IG.

  39. effableobject +57

    So I posted about this under a burner account last month, but my husband FINALLY told his family that we’re having a baby! Everyone is very excited. Meanwhile, I have started daycare applications, because apparently every daycare in the greater Boston area has a 9-month wait list. Like, you have to apply to the daycare before you even know you’re pregnant, if you want a spot. It is ridiculous.

    2. ashofthenorth +3

      Congratulations!!

      I just started looking for a daycare for my baby and it sucks. I’m in a small city in Northern Canada but I still could only find 2 with possible openings for a baby under 12 months for full time care. 🙁

      Aside from the daycare though, I love having a baby. I wish you and your family all the best!

  40. friendofdaja +27

    Bummer post (I just needed to vent): After getting to the final stage of interviews with two different companies, I’ve found out that I didn’t get either job. At least the interviewers were nice about it; a lot of “you’re a strong candidate, we loved talking with you, but someone else is better.”

    But nevertheless, I have been doing this for a whole year. I’m temping and living with family in the meantime (which I am so lucky to be able to do, I know), but this is not how my post-college life was supposed to start. i feel like such a failure, and I don’t really want to go to grad school because I’m lost or whatever. I’m sitting here at work trying to not to cry, and I just don’t know what alternatives to the job hunt are out there that are actually realistic. Ugh.

    1. secondursula +11

      I just got a ‘thanks, but no thanks’ from a place I would be perfectly suited for and it would’ve been lovely in my imagination. But most of all, you’re not a failure! And neither are the rest of us who are searching or underemployed or just generally struggling. It’s tough out there.

    2. craneyourneck +8

      Hang in there! I want to send you a big hug. I had a job disappointment like that the first year out of school. But a better one eventually came along! Just be good to yourself this week. Keep in good touch with those contacts; they liked you. Maybe another position will open there soon.

    4. Biblioholic +11

      Well, I’m 34 and a temp doing the job interview thing as well. Don’t be hard on yourself; honestly, first thing out of college is really supposed to be like this. Movies and TV and a few successful classmates will make you think otherwise, but they are a skewed sample.

      I ended up going to grad school last year, partially because I didn’t enjoy my job. But the job search thing is a fact of life. I avoided it for a year while I got my master’s, but then it’s staring you in the face again when you’re done. As are more student loans. Don’t do it just to have something to do; only do it if you think it will further your career or personal development. And know that the same struggle is waiting for you at the end. And get yourself a drink/some chocolate. Not getting a job SUCKS, but at least you got some good feedback! That’s, honestly, more than most people get. I had (what I thought was) a good interview in December, and waited and waited and never heard anything ever again.

      Also, getting your first post-college job is the hardest one to get, in my experience. Once you have that, you at least have some experience you can turn to and say ‘look at how great I am because I did x, y, z’. Just…keep plugging away. I’m telling you and myself.

    5. dunaganagain +5

      That’s so discouraging. I moved to San Francisco six months ago and have yet to locate a job. It’s just tough to find anything in the current job market, especially for a recent college grad, so hang in there and try to apply for as many things as you can. It’s fantastic that you made it to the final interview stage; that should make you really hopeful. The only other advice I would give is to network, and network hard. I was reluctant to do this when I first graduated from college, and I ended up working in a lot of dead-end jobs and taking unpaid internships. The reality is that you’re far more likely to get a job if you’re applying off a personal referral. It is nepotism, and it sucks, but it’s the reality of employment.

    6. snani +3

      Job hunting sucks! I was exactly where you were after I graduated, I spent a year and bit looking for work. It was crazy discouraging, but I ended up getting my DREAM JOB two months ago, at a place where I interned, then temped a couple of times.

      I’m not sure how if this translates to your industry, but unless grad school is necessary for entry level jobs, staying in the workforce is much, much more useful than going back to uni. While I was looking, I volunteered as a media officer for a non-profit and at a youth radio network, freelanced and worked in cafes. Try lots of things, and one of them will work. Anything that lets you meet (and impress) people in the your area is a good thing. Good luck!

    7. eegghh +5

      It’s ok! You aren’t failing! Its ok! Seriously. I’ve been unemployed for at least 4 months now, I have 8 years of great experience and a killer resume, so it’s really not about you. Its about the reality of how many applications you can pull together to the ratio of replies you’ll get. It’s slow. It’s a slow miserable process for everyone.

      Don’t go to grad school for the love of god. Like someone else said, you’ll still have to do this again afterwards but you’ll be in more debt then. I definitely agree that you can get work experience as an intern or a volunteer that will be good for you and also make you feel useful. It’s not paid and that blows, but if say you babysit on the weekends to make cash and then you intern 2 days a week, you can have that on your resume and learn some new stuff.

      Also community college is significantly cheaper than grad school and you can take classes in hard skills- I’d focus on software programs that workplaces you are interested in use- AKA, can you do basic web layout? Adobe CS. Any of the various sales and marketing softwares, quickbooks, anything like that. If you took but one class at a time you could still really boost your chances by having software proficiency.

      It really is going to be ok and you are doing a great job already. I know it’s hard to pick yourself off the floor after these rejections, but that’s the whole secret. Steel yourself to expect rejection after each interview and just keep going. You know? Lie on the floor, moan, whimper, then slowly crawl over to the computer and type out another meaningless cover letter.

    1. sbcardinal +15

      That is just amazing. I can’t imagine the single-mindedness to accomplish it… and then there are the “normal” rooms? WHAT? Why would you go to all that trouble and then have such jarring contemporary spaces? All in or nothing, I say.

      1. urspostrophe +7

        I KNOW. And I get why you would want modern kitchen appliances, but that is the most jarring thing to me, to have your sleek countertops and stainless steel fridge and then a few feet away it looks like a museum again.

        1. lemonadefish +2

          And the ceiling fan in the fourth bedroom! You could do better at Home Depot, not to mention wherever it is you get carved beams for $16/inch.
          Also not impressed with any of the plumbing fixtures. Especially the master shower!

          4/10 would not buy.

    2. Merripat +6

      OH MY GOD

      (The best thing is clearly that there are rooms actually furnished with modern stuff)

    3. MilesofMountain +13

      Holy crap if I sold my house and moved to the US and liquidated my savings, I could own a house with silk wallpaper and gilded ceilings. This is a good life choice, right?

    4. gripyfish +9

      I saw another article about this a few months ago! I wish I had the money to a) afford the house and its upkeep and b) move to Oregon.

    5. Theo_Winterwood +28

      This house is amazing.

      “There is not a single ceiling that is unimportant in that house,” Barton says.

      I read that and just thought, “Well, yes. My ceilings are all important too, otherwise my upstairs neighbors would fall through into my living room.” And I know that’s not what he means, but.

    6. janekathy1 +12

      The master bedroom also has one incredible ceiling. It was first painted, then mounted over the bed. “That was again a craftsman challenge, but I told them it had to go up. It would have cost me only about $5,000 extra if I had that painted onto the ceiling, but I was so scared that they would paint it and I wouldn’t like it. I have to look at a superb image.”*solemn nod*

    7. Bunburying +22

      “She says the windows were taken out of England’s Lancaster Cathedral during World War II to protect them from bombings and were later found in an attic in London.”

      so of course the Right and Honorable Dowager Countess of Shannon returned these works of art to their rightful home in the cathedrpppfffttthahahahahaha

      anyway, yeah, eat the rich

    8. Impractical_Cat +4

      !!!! I love the idea of living in a place that looks ancient but has all the convenience of modern appliances. My dream life would be to live in a refurbished castle with original furniture/decor and the addition of double glazing and underfloor heating.

  42. peregrination +28

    So today is Dia da Saudade in Brasil. I was looking up, yesterday, whether there was a term for the nostalgia one might feel for something or someplace that never existed, and came across this term, and just think it’s so strange and a little spooky that the holiday is celebrated the day after I discovered the term.

    Reading more about it, I was particularly touched by the notion that one feels saudade most not necessarily for a time or a place, but rather for a person whom they have lost, particularly one whose fate is unknown. The melancholy associated with saudade stems from the acknowledgment of the fact that those gone missing may never return.

    Bring me your nostalgias. Who (or what or when) are you aching for today?

    2. drSugarbean +14

      I miss my late father. I’m feeling sick, and I miss the feeling of comfort I got from him sitting next to me on the bed when I was sick as a kid.

    3. coloredlights +28

      (I don’t know if this is the right place to dump all these feelings, but your question hit a nerve. Warning for…death, I guess?)

      Oof, okay, so someone (friend of a friend) posted a bunch of old photos from high school on Facebook. Some of the photos include the girl I had my first real crush on. She was a junior when I was a sophomore, and we were stand partners in band and went on the band trip to Disney World together. There was much shy flirting and hand-holding and dancing around the issue. I quit band the next year, we didn’t really have friends in common so we rarely saw each other, and then she graduated and I never saw her again.

      She died in a car accident in 2003, at age 19. I found out by accidentally passing through the living room on my winter break from college, as my dad was watching the news. I haven’t seen her face since 2002 and suddenly there she was in those FB photos, and I just…feelings feelings feelings. I don’t know why I remember and miss so much, so clearly, about someone I haven’t seen in 14 years.

    4. Thujaplicata +12

      The feeling of optimism for the future and the present that I had as a small child growing up. This nostalgia is mainly based on old slides that my parents have where everyone looks so happy and there are so many fewer people than I’m currently around on a daily basis. I love the convenience of living in town, but man some days I really wish I had enough money to buy land outside of town (and not have to have a daily commute).

    5. Bryn (Plus Others) +6

      There is someone who was very important to us for years during elementary school who vanished when we were right at the end of 5th grade, and there is pretty much a constant low-level ache for him, in large part because nobody knows what happened to him. We don’t even know what his last name was so there’s no way to try to find out, it is just something to live with. Saudade is a perfect term for it.

    6. popelizbet +4

      I miss my best friend, who turned into a jackass asshole and went hence from my life, but I miss who he was, once, not that person.

  43. Social +65

    This was the worst week but I told a couple people to get bent this morning (in a civil way) and it has improved my mood a lot.

    The first one is relevant to a situation I’ve been describing over many, many open threads:

    Last weekend my family threatened to disown me over moving in with my girlfriend. I’ve been expecting this for a while now– it’s implicit in our conversations, but this is the first time they came right out and said it. And it’s like they expected me to immediately break up with my GF and come crawling back for scraps of approval. But I am 1000% done with their shit so I am very noticeably not doing that and in fact sent over my new address this morning.

    My therapist’s advice (and some of your advice) along the lines of “act like they’re toddlers having a tantrum” has proven to be useful with my parents. I don’t know what will happen with our relationship but I do know I am very, very tired and ignoring the fuck out of my parents’ threats gives me inner peace.

    Taking my GF out to dinner tonight to make up for the hours of emotional processing I made her sit through this week.

    Then my boss admitted today he’d put too much pressure on me during a certain work project, which was nice to hear because I did do a lot of work under tight and “moving target” type deadlines.

    I am very tired but pleased. Don’t negotiate with narcissists y’all.

    2. caatness +21

      “Don’t negotiate with narcissists y’all.” Oh, this. So much this.

      Keep up with this whole being awesome thing you are doing.

      1. Social +13

        Thanks!! I spent 75% of this week being a whining blanket burrito though so I don’t know how awesome that part was.

    4. Ethylbenzene +9

      Don’t negotiate with narcissists y’all.

      YUP. Glad you’re starting to feel better, sorry your parental situation is so full of awful.

      1. Social +6

        Your words in particular helped SO much. I think I had your comment from last Friday’s open thread in my head all week, and what you said was instrumental in figuring out how to go forward after the crap they pulled.

        Thanks for the wisdom.

  44. onymatic +7

    Myths! My 8yo daughter read Fiona Macdonald and Li Sidong’s graphic novel of The Odyssey and now she wants Penelope’s version–her story, told from her perspective. Does this exist, wise commentariat? (I searched and found nothing. If it does not, she intends to write it.)

    1. girlinterupte +7

      Louise Gluck’s Meadowlands, perhaps? I don’t think it’s exactly what you’re looking for (there’s poems from Penelope’s perspective but it also has to do with a modern couple on the verge of divorce), but it’s a step in the right direction.

    2. AmyEntropy +20

      Margaret Atwood wrote one, “The Pelenepoid” I believe it’s called, but I expect it’s too “mature” for an 8-year-old. I don’t have an 8 year old so it’s to you to judge, though. It’s all Penelope’s POV, but it explores why Odysseus murdered the maids as well as the suitors when he returned.
      But if your daughter writes her own, I would want to read it!

      1. ballisticjaguar +2

        I have read it and liked it (it was actually my first introduction to Odysseus and the Odyssey). It’s possible that it’s not good as I was a teenager when I read it, but it’s worth a try I think.

        1. onymatic +5

          Awesome, just library-requested Penelopiad, Meadowlands, and Lavinia. Probably not for my kid, but they’ll be age-appropriate for me anyway. Thanks!

    5. Friesbeforeguys +13

      i’m not aware of that book if it exists, but as an alternative there is “Lavinia” by Ursula LeGuin, which is the ladyside perspective of the Aeneid.

    6. fortunata +12

      This probably isn’t the length you’re looking for, but one treatment of this subject that’s definitely child-appropriate and might spark an interesting conversation with your daughter is Dorothy Parker’s “Penelope”:

      In the pathway of the sun,
      In the footsteps of the breeze,
      Where the world and sky are one,
      He shall ride the silver seas,
      He shall cut the glittering wave.
      I shall sit at home, and rock;
      Rise, to heed a neighbour’s knock;
      Brew my tea, and snip my thread;
      Bleach the linen for my bed.
      They will call him brave.

      (from http://www.chiark.greenend.org.uk/~martinh/poems/… )

      I found it written on a desk in tenth grade and fell completely in love with it. 🙂

  45. Unreadaethel +47

    Yesterday was the 1-year anniversary of the police raiding our store, taking our computers, and arresting my boss. Yesterday evening, I went to a focus group for the rector search committee at church, where 15 or so of us talked about who we are as a church, who we think we’re called to be as a church, and what qualities we’re looking for in a new rector. It felt very symbolic and cleansing, and I’m feeling much less “ennui, but angry about it” than I was yesterday.

      1. Unreadaethel +10

        And we’re having one closure-type milestone after another. I’m taking note of all of them, for symbolic moving-on-type purposes.

        So much craziness. Just so much.

    2. beachlass +8

      Can you share a bit about the process/questions used in the focus group? Professionally interested, since you had a positive experience.

      1. Unreadaethel +8

        There are multiple groups, but this one was the grad students and young professionals group (late 20s/early-to-mid 30s). The meeting was structured around 4 questions, each with an allotted time for conversation:

        1) How/when do you feel spiritually nurtured at [church]?
        2) Who do you think we are as a church, and who have we been?
        3) Who is God calling us to be?
        4) What gifts/graces do you think we need in a rector?

        The facilitator asked each question, and people would answer as the spirit moved them (grounds rules, of course, included listening without interrupting, respecting each other’s opinions, etc). A member of the search committee was there taking notes, and we all just said things for some questions, and had discussions for others. It’s a very passionate grad/young pro group, which helped, and there were a lot of great perspectives present. With so many students, I was one of the old-timers, having attended that church for almost 10 years, so it was really interesting to see how people who have attended for 2 years or less perceive the parish.

          1. Unreadaethel +1

            You’re welcome! My mom’s on the search committee at my parents’ church, and they are not having nearly as nourishing and productive a process, nor is their diocese being as supportive. It makes me really sad.

      1. Unreadaethel +25

        Things are fantastic. We’re financially solid (I’m sure the exact details will come up at the company-wide meeting next week), the office is a harmonious, professional place, and things are looking good. When stuff goes wrong, we now discuss it within the office, come up with procedures to make sure it doesn’t happen again, and then write those procedures down and share them with everybody (as opposed to “stuff goes wrong, the boss blames whoever’s closest, but nobody actually knows the correct procedure for this situation, because the boss doesn’t share information”). I don’t cry at work anymore! We appreciate each other and address concerns in a healthy and productive way! We’re having a holiday/New Year party tonight!

          1. Unreadaethel +10

            And if a responsibility is taken away from me and given to somebody else, I no longer feel that I’m being punished and am about to be fired. It’s an admittedly low standard, but I’m celebrating it nonetheless. We all appreciate our functional workplace so much now that we know just how bad it can be.

          2. Unreadaethel +8

            Update: we celebrated like crazy. Current boss was the de facto DD. I’m incredibly drunk rn,and the headache I’ve been fighting has come back with a vengeance. But I have leftover bacon-wrapped shrimp, so that’s pretty awesome.

  46. gclouts +4

    I’m beginning my plan for spring break. Requirements: warm, fun stuff to do other than just sitting on the beach all day although having the option to do so would also be pretty sweet, not too expensive. Any ideas?

    1. EmElBee +2

      I guess it depends on where you’re based, but my husband and I are spending spring break in New Orleans. Definitely warm-ish and lots to do. And good stuff to eat and drink. From what I can tell, the prices are pretty good, but then I’m coming from Los Angeles…

    2. deleted3333252 +2

      Not sure where you’re coming from, but I loved Santa Barbara, CA! Beaches, town, casual food and drink, nature, hiking, wine tasting, etc. Very manageable, not crazy expensive (we stayed in a vacation apt. that included bikes!), easy drive from LAX but also has local airport

  47. Merripat +6

    Shall we have a thread about medication, having problems with being medicated, and side and withdrawal effects?

    I’ll put my stuff in a reply because I’ll mention mental health issues and also don’t want to clutter up the whole thread with my own issues.

    1. Merripat +9

      I’ve been on antidepressants for three and a half years now and have tried about four or five different pills. On Wednesday, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist, and mentioned that I had yet again gained weight and am also sweating a lot during the night. (These are just two of the side effects I experience, there are more.) He suggested I once again try something new.
      This morning, I picked up the new medication from the pharmacy, and as I read the patient information, I realised that I’m so sick of having to take these pills, and dealing with the side effects (the new meds have apparently even more side effects??). And for the first time, I understood why people decide to go off their meds without talking to their doctor beforehand.

      I then had an appointment with my therapist and had a small breakdown, because I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I know that the meds are there to help me, but I hate what they are doing to my body, and I don’t want to be on medication for the rest of my life. I’m just so sick of this.
      Well, I talked to my therapist and we both agreed that maybe I should just try going off the pills because right now, I don’t have any school or job responsibilites and this might actually be a good time.

      I then went to my psychiatrist who thankfully squeezed me in. He’s not especially happy, but said I could try it. And now I am – I don’t know? Scared? I guess that’s it. I know that’s what I wanted, and I know that I can always go back, but I just don’t know what’s going to happen.
      Anyone have any advice?

      1. PierrePoutine +7

        This sounds like a valid plan. Sometimes withdrawal from certain antidepressants can be scary if you don’t properly wean yourself off, but it seems like you’ve covered that by checking in with your psychiatrist. You CAN always go back. Depending on your history, you may also want to craft a ‘safety plan’ in the event that you start to feel your issues escalating to a crisis point.
        This may be the time to ask yourself if you have any symptoms/issues that could be resolved through therapy. Psychiatric medication can be a life saver but it is also regularly prescribed for problems that *good* therapy would be more effective in solving, like grief or the effects of abuse. You may find that you still need the boost provided by medication. That’s okay too.

        1. Merripat +5

          I’m in therapy, and have been so for several years, and I do indeed think that this is helping me more than the medication. So I’m thinking going off the meds might be not be that much of an issue (I’m also taking a small dose). But I obviously don’t know that…
          I’m seeing my therapist and the psychiatrist regularly, and I will definitely contact them if I feel like something’s not alright. I’ve also told several people about this so there are people I can reach out to.

      2. redheadedwolf +4

        You’re going off them incrementally, right? I don’t have personal experience, but I’ve always heard that’s the safest way, with the least chance of terrible side effects.

        I wish I had more to offer, but you absolutely have my support and best wishes. Please stay in touch with the therapist and and all your friends and loved ones — if you feel okay telling any of them, do so, just so they can also keep an eye on you and check in on you if you stop wanting to reach out.

        1. Merripat +4

          Thank you, that’s sweet of you.
          I’m not going off incrementally, since I never took a high dose; my psychiatrist said I should just stop taking the meds.
          I usually see my therapist every week, but unfortunately can’t go next Friday. But I know that she would squeeze me in if I needed it, and my doctor has open consultation hours that I could go to. I already told several people, and will also tell my roommate as soon as possible since she’s the person closest to me right now and can keep an eye on me.

          1. redheadedwolf +5

            That sounds like you’re doing all the right things for this to go as well as possible! Best wishes again — I sincerely hope that once your body has adjusted to the lack of meds, depression is something you never experience again.

    2. Impractical_Cat +4

      Oh I feel you. Good luck with going med-free, I hope it goes well for you and makes you feel much better – feeling better physically is always helpful for mindset as well, I find. I’ve been on the anti-depressant carousel for almost 10 years now and I am heartily sick of it too. I’m 70lb heavier (partly from the meds and partly from disordered eating), I have hot flushes and sweat like a horse, and I’m still bloody depressed! I’ve accepted that I’ll probably rely on meds for the rest of my life because Bad Things happen when I try to come off them, but it’s sooo disheartening to think about. I’m on 350mg venlafaxine a day at the moment and going through a pretty bad patch lately – can’t really increase the dose much further and I don’t want to switch to something else because that would mean taking months to wean down from this (feeling like shit in the process because the withdrawal effects are ugly) and then more months building up to an effective dose of the new drug which may or may not work anyway, and I’ve been told the new drug would probably be lithium because we’ve pretty much exhausted the more traditional options, and that has some proper nasty side effects. Having discussed this with my psychiatrist, he decided to put me on Quetiapine alongside my venlafaxine because apparently anti-psychotics can be used in small doses to treat anxiety, and I found that it completely knocks me out – as in every time I try taking it I appear completely drunk, slurring words and all, and end up sleeping for like 18 hours.

      Um, I’m not sure why I felt the need for this rant, other than to say that psych meds suck and there’s nothing more disheartening than dealing with annoying side effects when the drug isn’t even helping properly anyway.

      1. Merripat +2

        I’m so sorry your meds aren’t helping you. Hugs to you, and I hope someday you’ll find something that works for you!

  48. figwiggin +31

    What ho, Toast Friends. I will be moving to the Tacoma, WA area soon and would like to make some in-person friends there! If you’re around there and would like to meet up sometime after March 1, please get in touch. (No pressure. If nobody replies to this comment, I’ll just cry a little and feel like the last kid picked for dodgeball.)

    3. brujaja +7

      Welcome to the PNW! (I’m assuming you’re moving from outside the northwest?) I’m in Portland but previously lived in the south sound and still visit friends up there often. I know there are both Seattle and Portland area Toastie groups on Facebook if you are interested in connecting with people that way.

      Hope the move goes well!

    4. mkmorrow +9

      Hello! I’m just south of Seattle, by the airport, so pretty darn close to Tacoma. Feel free to email me at my user name here at yahoo dot com.

    6. BeepBeep +2

      !!!!!

      I guess I am a little late but I live in Tacoma! Well, part time. And I don’t know anyone here in a way that’s like…less “last kid picked for dodgeball” and more “confused kid who accidentally showed up to school on a weekend.”

      1. laurenipsum +2

        Yay, more Pierce County toasts! Let’s meet up! email me at lauren at my username dot com

    7. pairofbuttons +2

      What ho indeed. I’m maybe an hour from Tacoma? Not exactly your neighbor but close enough for meet up purposes…hope to meet you when you get here!!

    8. happysadcat +1

      Waaaaaah hoooooooo!!!!! Welcome to the 253, fellow ToastFriend. I am very happy to welcome you and yay!!!! (Sorry, eating kettle corn for supper seemed like a really good idea until I started typing) Anyway, are you also reading in skirts? If so, I have sent you mail.

  49. brujaja +29

    Many thanks to all the lovely Toasties who offered their kind and helpful words last week after I posted about the intersection of my ADD & my recent breakup. Y’all are an insightful and thoughtful group.

      2. brujaja +3

        Thanks! I’m okay.

        This week has been a mix of “yeah, we’re probably not who each other really needs a partner to be” and so many things I want to tell him. Annnnnd my laptop is doing something weird and I wish I could ask him to fix it.

        But also! I’m seeing some of my best friends this weekend and time with them is always a balm for my soul.

  50. Ethylbenzene +19

    Hi yes so does anyone want to hear yet MORE about my fucking uterus?

    My doc wants to do the ablation thingy (NovaSure) but my out-of-pocket expenses on that will be $500, at which point I laughed at the benefit coordinator, who assured me we could do a payment plan and not to discount it.* After talking things over and over and over, I decided the best option is to just punt for a couple months — my mom got a hip replacement this week, it’s just after Christmas and Birthday season when finances are even worse than usual, I’m starting a damn BUSINESS in the spring, plus the whole family is going to Europe this spring… It’s just not the time. Anyway, in the meantime the doc gave me some sort of better painkillers that will hopefully work (non-narcotic apparently, can’t remember the name atm).

    Anyway, once I get through the next couple of months, I really feel strongly that I’m going to push for the hysterectomy instead, since if it IS adenomyosis and the ablation fails to help that’s what we’ll need to do anyway, and if it isn’t, I’ll still get relief. My very very bad days are only one per period, which comes around every 30-35 days these days, so I feel like it’s not THAT bad anymore (in my 20s it was three or four days). I also think, knowing my own mental health triggers, that feeling like I wasted such a huge amount of money will be worse than the ablation not helping, you know? So there’s where I’m at.

    How are your uteruses?

    *On that — if I am in a financial place where I can’t come up with $500, why would adding a significant monthly bill on top of that help at all? I mean, I GET the concept, it’s just….none of these options really work for people who are living as tightly as we are, you know?

    1. InsertCoolNameHere +3

      Hi! I had adenmyosis and the only cure as you know is the hysterectomy. The ablation is a to-do from what I understand, my close friend had it and wound up needing the hysterectomy anyway.

      I had my hysterectomy last summer, kept my ovaries but they took everything else, and I have never felt better in my life. It was the best decision. Happy to chat off the thread if you have questions
      crescentmelissa at gmail

      I know how much the money thing can suck.

    2. CleverManka +18

      As a recent recipient of a hysterectomy, I endorse your decision. The other day I realized I would have had two periods since the surgery and I felt so free. I really really really didn’t want the surgery, so I am particularly pleased about my emotional state in regards to the whole thing. I hope you and your uterus are able to get appropriate medical care soon.

      1. Ethylbenzene +8

        I’m not sure what your reasons were for your hysterectomy, but I’m glad you are happy with your decision! If it was for endo/pain, did you try the ablation? You don’t have to tell me of course, I’m just interested in other people’s stories 🙂

        1. CleverManka +14

          I had been having really bad periods for years but never thought about them much until I was involved in an Open Thread discussion about menstrual cups and I mentioned how I had to empty my cup at least every hour and everyone was like o_O GIRL SEE A DOCTOR so I did and apparently I had massive fibroids. I went from “gee, my periods kind of suck” to “well I guess I’m having surgery” in less than a month. So no, I was never presented with any other options.

          Turns out my uterus was a bit over five times larger than a healthy uterus and was taking up most of the space in my pelvic bowl. I guess it decided if I wasn’t going to put a baby in there, it was gonna grow something damn it.

          1. Ethylbenzene +3

            That sounds pretty painful! Thank you for sharing. I’ve got no fibroids and no endo adhesions were found during my laparoscopy and I’m just out of patience with this thing.

    3. Absotively +11

      My uterus is pretending to be not wonky. It’s generally always been wonky, in the irregular periods sense. But twice now it’s gotten extra wonky (non-stop periods!) and I talked to my doctor about it and the doctor ordered a couple tests and shrugged at the results and put me on the pill. So I’m on the pill currently, and it is making my uterus act non-wonky, but I still worry about the mystery wonkiness.

      Also my blood pressure may have become high, which I think is likely in part because I’m over thirty and now on the pill, but my doctor will make it all about my weight.

      …which brings me to the unexplained relatively sharp increase in my weight at the same time as my uterus first upped its wonkiness a few years back, which my doctor basically brushed off with a round of “eat less, move more.”

      So my uterus is basically in a state of ugh, I need to find a new doctor.

      (But thank you for asking, it feels good to complain about it. I hope your uterus problems are resolved with minimal health and financial impact.)

    4. Nashirakins +13

      My uterus is a jerk and a hysterectomy sounds lovely. My period involves two weeks of sharp constant pain to the left of my uterus and running through a heavy overnight paid every few hours for 3-4 days, although the blood has stopped and the pain has reduced since I got a Nexplanon a few months ago. I’m desperately hoping that my new trans-friendly PCP can help me get it fixed. OR REMOVED.

      Would you like a cheering section to support you when you push your doc to just go for the hysterectomy? I’m not very limber right now because ow, but I’m good at flapping like a penguin and making encouraging noises loudly.

    5. lemonadefish +3

      Jsut chiming in to say that sometimes medical payment plans can be really really low. Like, $5 a month or something. I don’t know if you talked terms with the benefits coordinator, but it might really be an affordable amount…

    6. dakimel +4

      I had the ablation, that goddamn useless thing. First of all, it spurred DH to get a vasectomy, bc Dr said if I did get pg after the ablation it would be a disaster, so that was one co-pay down. Then I had the ablation, and the procedure was okay, and my periods stopped for about 6 months. And then I started to bleed, just a little bit, every day for a year. At which point the Dr said, “huh, I guess you should have the hysterectomy then.” YOU THINK? Gah.

      Kept my ovaries, the procedure was also fine (would have been finer if I’d been in better shape going in, but whatever), and I have never felt better. It’s amazing how not having a constant low level of pain (and bother) improves your life!

      Will your insurance cover the hysterectomy? Have you said to your dr, “I want this, and I want insurance to pay for it, so help me get to the point that they will cover it and I won’t go broke” – they can be pretty helpful if you’re direct sometimes. And if not, you can maybe find a doctor who will be helpful.

      1. Ethylbenzene +5

        Yeah I think once stuff with my mom settles down, I’ll make an appointment to go see him and be really clear that I’ve decided I want the hysterectomy (spouse will come along too for added gravitas). I really want to get rid of this pain — it’s not just when I have my period, it crops up seemingly randomly, and also any time I’m the least bit stressed or annoyed or anxious. Thanks for sharing your story.

  51. aravisthequeen +40

    Bizarre: I am allergic to spinach. (Yes, I know.) I went to Panera for lunch, which is always a gamble because they put spinach in every damn thing. I came back and told my coworker (the annoying pregnant one) that I was disappointed because I wanted to try a broth bowl, but they all have spinach in them.

    “Can’t you pick it out?” “No, the spinach in the broth will still bother me.” “But it’s fresh! Not chopped up!” “Yeah, no.” “Why don’t you just try it?” BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS ME TO VOMIT UP MY $12 LUNCH, least of all you! Why are you asking me this???? I promise it’s a real allergy even if my doctor had never heard of it! Stop this nonsense!!!!

    1. ophelias_ghost +21

      So over the holidays we discovered that my sister maybe probably has been allergic to spinach her whole life without knowing it. The discovery was made when she asked my mom absolutely sincerely “Wait, your mouth doesn’t start feeling furry after you eat fresh spinach?” Clearly it’s not a life-threatening thing since she’s gone over 20 years happily consuming spinach but yeah, apparently spinach allergies are a thing!

      1. aravisthequeen +27

        Mine was very sudden! I went from happily consuming spinach for 22 years to vomiting it up within moments of eating it. (I discovered this while eating a Nice Dinner with my parents. If I’d known it would have been the last spinach salad I’d ever eat, I’d enjoy it more!) Doctor advice? “That’s weird. Huh. Well, don’t eat spinach I guess.”

      2. beachlass +16

        Wait, what do you mean not everyone’s mouth feels furry after eating spinach? Like. My teeth.

        3. ophelias_ghost +1

          It appears I may have been mistaken! I have never experienced or heard of this phenomenon before – maybe I need to start eating more leafy greens!

        4. tabwootwo +2

          Me too! Pineapple is much worse and burns a bit, but occasionally spinach really gets me. Huh.

        5. bookwormV +1

          Is it just spinach? If it’s raw fruits and vegetables in general, it could be Oral Allergy Syndrome.

      3. PRockette +15

        This is exactly like how I figured out I’m allergic to apples, peaches etc.! Did you know that apples don’t make everyone’s mouths tingle and their lips swell? Or that peach fuzz is not actually itchy for most people? I did not. And then I told my dad, who was like “Wait, peaches aren’t itchy for everyone?”

        I love fruit, so I asked the doctor if I could keep eating it since it seemed like a pretty mild allergy. He looked alarmed and said, “No! Because it could get worse, very suddenly.” I still eat the occasional apple or peach. With my epi-pen nearby. I like to live dangerously.

          2. PRockette +2

            It’s probably that. I’m allergic to things with pollen. As is my father. One time, he was using Lakota Rub (a Canadian “natural” muscle rub) and asked my mom quite sincerely if it burned when she used it. She replies that yes, it’s warming, that’s the point. And he clarifies, no burning like fire. She reads the ingredients. Several plants he’s allergic to are listed. We are not smart about our allergies.

        2. super_novice +3

          Ugh whattt I have this allergy and cheerfully eat a few peaches and so on a year (very quickly, to get through the deliciousness before the numbness and nausea).

          Never occurred to me that something worse could happen than puking?

        3. coloredlights +3

          My wife has this reaction to mangoes. Which really sucks when we’re in the Philippines (home of best mangoes ever) and she can no longer chew all the pulp off the seed. She still eats dried mangoes and smoothies containing mango, which seem to aggravate the allergy less.

      4. hopelessshade +13

        Chiming in to point out that I don’t want to front like your sis cant be allergic to spinach, but that weird-post-spinach teeth/mouth feeling is about the oxalates in the spinach, not anyone’s particular allergies. You can cut it out by adding citrus or blanching the leaves.

        The moooooore you knoooooooow

        1. ophelias_ghost +1

          Hmmmmmm well it’s not like she got tested or anything, we were all just kind of taken aback when she said “my mouth feels weird after I eat this thing” and our natural reaction was THAT IS WHAT ALLERGIES ARE but perhaps you are right! learn something every day

    2. Ethylbenzene +11

      I’m allergic or intolerant of romaine lettuce, which people just have a hard time believing for some reason, and which also makes Panera difficult for me. So I feel you.

    3. kathleenvguds +12

      I feel you! I developed a banana allergy when I was 18-19 and NO ONE believes me. I cannot buy smoothies out. I cannot accept your homemade banana nut muffins. I cannot take a banana hiking for the potassium.
      (Although I can gobble up the fried plantains at the Salvadorean place on my street with no problem. Bodies are so weird, you guys.)

      1. urspostrophe +7

        I wish I could trade with you. I HATE all things banana with a passion but am not allergic, just a weirdo who will leave the room if you unpeel one in front of me.

      2. EmElBee +1

        This happened to me too! Bananas and avocados for me. Apparently the sensitivity can be related to pollen allergies. Maybe true for you?

    4. mittenstheboar +4

      If it helps, I also have a friend who is allergic to spinach. So there, annoying preggo.

    5. SarcasticFringehead +6

      That woman is The Worst, and I hope she takes a super-long maternity leave so you get a break (and that during that leave, she becomes aware of how her behavior is terrible, and then feels terrible about it)

    6. deleted3333252 +10

      After being allergic to cats my whole life, I developed a severe dog allergy that triggers my asthma at age 29 (after years of having my own dog and volunteering frequently at a shelter, but also after having been away from dogs for several months — this shit happens sometimes, according to my ALLERGIST). It is CRUSHING, emotionally, and I remain super sad about it and always will be. No one on earth loves dogs more than me.

      So it’s bad enough. BUT NO ONE BELIEVES ME. Maybe a different breed? Maybe a fancy hypoallergenic dog? (WUT.) Maybe it will go away again? Maybe try again in another year? What if you just give the dog a bath more often? What about my dog?

      Or *maybe* I want to be able to have normal oxygen levels and skin that isn’t covered in painful red spots? Maybe it’s sad but sad stuff happens and it’s real?

      Next person to not believe me gets my bill for the expensive steroid inhaler attached to pictures of my face and arms covered in hives, and an MP3 of me wheezing.

      Tl;dr MY SYMPATHIES aravisthequeen and other Toasties of the unacknowledged allergies, and BOO to your coworkers/unbelievers.

  52. Girl Named Jack +76

    So my first month of my 2016 resolution of Stop Caring What Men Think* has been going pretty swimmingly. I’m just like, wow, way more confident. A couple of times I caught myself starting to have those old feelings of ‘am I charming/attractive enough to hold [a specific man’s] interest even if it has no bearing on my life’, but I’m becoming more aware of those thought patterns and have been able to redirect.

    One unexpected realization was that I am much more motivated by external validation than I thought. Like, f’rinstance, I chopped my hair and dyed it red. Now, I’m not gonna lie: this is a great hair cut (I am dapper like whoa), and the color is stunning if I do say so myself. Every other time I’ve changed my hair, even a little, I’ve always gotten lots of little brownie points from acquaintances. You know – “oh, I like your hair”. Nearly-meaningless, or so I thought.

    Turns out that NOT getting that kind of validation is quite jarring. I mean, my close friends have all raved about the State Of My Head, but everyone else has maintained radio silence. I had no idea that getting a “masculine” haircut would be so subversive. So I’m taking comfort from that.

    1. BestLaidPlans +23

      Location might play a role as well. I had a short haircut that was not outside the norm where I lived. Then I traveled to Dallas and felt like a freak as the only woman in the metro area with a pixie.

      1. theoryofturtles +16

        That’s my experience, too. I had a buzzcut some years ago. When I lived in Seattle: generally no big deal, aside from one very curious small child. Then I moved to Austin, and I met folks who just did not know what to do about it (which didn’t stop them from staring, pointing, or commenting). They also misgendered me as Mr. Theoryofturtles quite a bit, too. Expectations of gendered appearances are strong. :/

      2. HotDoom +4

        Ahhh! Are you me? I had the exact same experiences with a pixie cut in Dallas. I actually had a couple of bros approach me in a not unthreatening way at a bar, asking if I was a lesbian. It was creepy and I was glad to leave the area :/

    3. rawrbook +18

      Your haircut is fantastic, and I know this without seeing it because you love it and that is what matters! Consider this external validation, especially if it helps you achieve your “Stop Caring What Men Think” best self.

    5. depizan +44

      Short hair is still really surprisingly subversive. I got my hair cut short again after ten years or so of it being longer. I put off doing it for quite a while because I’ve gained some weight and had internalized this message that an overweight woman shouldn’t have short hair because it will draw emphasis to a wide face. And suddenly I was like hold the fuck up, do we tell chubby men that their short haircut makes their face look fatter? No, no we do not. Because that would be super dumb. So then I chopped off my hair and love it and fuck you patriarchy.

      1. OliviaPJones +19

        O.O YOU’RE RIGHT. I’m so embarrassed that I never thought about this before, but no, all the chubby men are not running around with long hair too shy to cut it off WTF SOCIETY

      2. daisicles +13

        IT’S TRUE.

        I chopped off my hair last year and the one thing that really held me back for months of wanting that cut was the thought that stylists would just try to convince me that I was too fat to wear my hair so short. The stylist I ended up choosing didn’t blink an eye and did a lovely job of it, but I remember other stylists I’ve had, like the one who got SO worried that I wasn’t getting my sister’s approval for a chin-length cut after I mentioned offhandedly that I was getting my hair cut before her wedding. I think it really could’ve gone the way I worried about. And it is so dumb. It’s just hair!

        But I do enjoy feeling mildly subversive with my hair.

  53. kaylar_beastie +21

    I said my New Years resolution was to get help from a doctor and be put on antidepressants. Welp. Here’s how that’s been going.

    I decided to go to the campus clinic because big hospitals give me anxiety and I also needed birth control and thought they would be more chill with skipping the exam because of my anxiety and PTSD things. Which I was right, they were, but for whatever reason this whole process has been very long and ridiculous.

    So my first appointment was January 12th. Nothing was accomplished but setting up more appointments because apparently I had to meet with a psychologist to be recommended for medication. Okay. Fine.

    I had another appointment for birth control the week after.

    Then another appointment the week after that (this week) with a psychologist. I had been told if I met with him, then I could be put on medication. That was not the case, apparently. So I talked with him, and he told me I had to meet with another counselor and then that counselor will recommend me to the pill writing lady. I’ve had to cry in front of and explain DV nightmares to all of them. Which I feel I shouldn’t have to do.

    So I have to meet with two more people. And basically do all that again.

    tl:dr I’ve had to go to the clinic basically once a week for the past four weeks just to get antidepressants and still don’t have any help.

    So basically good vibes are needed.

    1. brujaja +7

      Good thought to you. Sounds like a very frustrating situation- and summoning up the energy/ internal resources to seek out medical intervention can be brutally tough when you’re dealing with anxiety & depression- in my experience anyways.

    3. Merripat +8

      Oh boy, that’s terrible. Sending you good vibes abundantly! And remember, you’ve done the first and most important thing already – you’ve reached out for help. It sucks that you have to wait now and are not actually getting any help, but don’t give up. You’ve taken the first step, and the journey will go on.

    5. rhymeswitheight +5

      Ugh, I’m so sorry. Slogging through medical bureaucracy is always pain, but especially bad when you’re depressed. I hope the next visits are quick and easy, and you get what you need. Sending you lots of good vibes.
      (Could one of the people you’ve already seen share the files/notes with the two people you still have to see? So at least you don’t have to go through the painful explanation another time.)

    6. celacia +3

      That sounds terrible and I am sorry it has been working out that way for you. But you are awesome for taking care of yourself and continuing to do so even with all this stupid bureaucratic resistance!

    7. Readerbeth +2

      Sounds very much like my experience–I wonder if we go to the same school? Except in my case I was a new student, new to their health care system, and just trying to get the same prescription I’d already been on for ten years. I had to go through three appointments before I finally got a sensible doctor who just nodded and told me, “yep, that drug and dosage sounds great, here’s your script, let me know if you ever feel you need more”. But the doctor before her (the one AFTER my initial intake appointment, so this is the appointment that is supposed to be specifically for a prescription consultation) told me she didn’t “believe” in antidepressants and wouldn’t give me any, why didn’t I try therapy or meditating or yoga? It took a lot of crying and a lot of yelling and frankly, a lot of angrily but beautifully worded emails (I am so much better at expressing myself well when people can’t bully me into crying in front of them) but I got what I needed. I am certain that you can get there too.

      Please please do everything you can to stick up for yourself in this and get what you need and what you know works for you. And remember that you are awesome and that you are doing a great and brave thing in being proactive about your own well-being.

    8. manulpika +1

      Hey Kaylar! I know this is super late but I wanted to share that I’ve had that kind of experience before, and I had to jump through many fewer bullshit hurdles when I just went to a regular gynecologist in a hospital. She even prescribed me psych meds! No referral necessary! And when I told her I wanted more we talked about it for like one minute and she basically let me name my dosage.

      In my experience campus clinics expect you to be young and foolish, and treat you like a kid. If you go to an Adult Doctor’s Office and present as a Serious Adult Patient, they are much more likely to assume you can make decisions for yourself (unfortunately). So if you’re able to go to a big hospital, that may ultimately involve less anxiety.

  54. RudyRed +77

    I gave my number to a girl at a gay club last week, and we’re gonna go on a date this weekend! Aaaaaaaaah I have never done this kind of dating before (that is, the “give person who is cute your number” kind) and I’m still not sure if I’m doing it right.

    4. sfbeee +8

      WAIT this is so exciting! i have only once given someone my number and it was nervewracking and nothing came of it. how did you do it??

      1. SarcasticFringehead +19

        I gave someone my number at a bar once and it turned out he wanted to recruit me into his pyramid scheme? So that was a bit of a blow to my ego.

      2. RudyRed +12

        Well, I was makin’ may way across the dance floor when she popped up in front of me and was like, “Wanna dance?” And I thought she was cute (she looks like Ellen Paige), and was like, “Yes let’s!” So we danced for a little while, and she asked if I wanted to make out, but I wasn’t ready for that yet, so I said I’d rather just keep dancing.

        I didn’t want to dance with her too long, though, because I was actually at the club on a date with my two partners and it’d be rude to blow them off (poly problems, lol), so I said, “I need to go over there now, but I want to give you my number!” I think she thought I was blowing her off, but I wasn’t! Which she probably realized when I texted her the next day.

    5. OliviaPJones +4

      I did the online dating thing but meeting in person was basically the only thing that ever worked for me! Also I am very forward and people always got taken aback by that for some reason. I think it can be better! Sometimes people get all kinds of weird expectations from one another with our carefully curated internet profiles, so meeting in person for the first time can get around some of that awkwardness.

      Anyway, good job!!!! And also sending you good vibes for your date!!! Also holy crap she looks like Ellen Paige I mean how could you resist??

  55. craneyourneck +21

    Currently living 500 miles from my partner (for work) and this week a perfect position opened up where he is. Spent a whole night losing my mind over whether I should have been more patient about opportunities there and whether this year is a mistake, or whether it’s a good step toward leading a more balanced life and the transition is just hard to do alone. The next morning felt better somehow.

    Did you have a small WHAT AM I DOING moment this week? How did you make yourself feel better?

    1. aurorabirdialis +10

      I had a HUGE “WHAT AM I DOING” moment this week. As well as a “WELL FUCK YOU TOO” moment and a “OKAY TIME TO MOVE” moment, all connected. It has been an exciting week in my brain.

      Oh, how did I make myself feel better? I painted one of the best pieces I may have ever done. Take THAT, doubters.

    2. annikkinstarkiller +7

      I had a major one on Wednesday. I’ve been living and working in a foreign country for six years, and recently got a new job offer. To accept this job I had to upgrade my visa to a new biometric one, so I merrily filled out the form, paid the hundreds it costs, and sent off my passport. Wednesday I got a letter saying it could take up to six months! I pretty much lost it, because I really need this job. After a lot of seething (and red wine consumption) I emailed the new boss, and it turns out I can start working after all! They’ll talk to the government to verify it’s being processed, and I can get paid!

      Love your username btw. Am I right in thinking it’s a Lady Lamb reference?

    3. socktantrum +4

      I had a big “what am I doing” this week since I’m pretty sure I don’t want to apply for academic jobs or go back to my university town just to teach (and move away from my partner). I haven’t really done much about it other than hyperventilate though.

  56. amardine +33

    Toasties! I want to hear about your love stories! Specifically, how did you *feel* when you first met your significant other(s)? Did you know they would be someone important right away, or did it take a while?

    I am new(ish)ly single, and relearning what crushes feel like, and relearning when to trust emotions and let them take over, and when to have my rational side take charge. So, tell me your stories!

    1. aravisthequeen +18

      Honestly? When I first met my husband I thought he was a total bro, and he thought I was stuck up. It wasn’t until we talked for a few weeks and went on another date that we really had a spark. But once we had been on three or four dates, there was no looking back. Then there were hearts and giddiness! But WOW, not right away.

    2. soylouisebrooks +21

      I met him working at a conference 2 years before we got together! There was chemistry, nothing happened, then a few months ago I moved to his city, he had a party to which I was invited, I broke his glass (and cut his hand) and spilled wine all over his kitchen in front of everyone and 5 hours later we were kissing in the coat room.

      Seriously though, I liked him, but it wasnt until he showed me he would show up (calling, being consistent, taking me out, having very long intense conversations, crying and not being an unavailable dick) that I started to trust in it and let myself enjoy the feelings. I feel like I’ve found a lover and a friend rolled into one, and I think it really helped that we were friends first and worked together at that one conference (we are both conference interpreters).

      Good luck and enjoy!

    3. RudyRed +19

      When I met my long-term partner I thought he was very entertaining, very fascinating, but probably gay. (In fairness, I made that assessment because he was wearing a short suit and kissed a guy.)

      I refused for the longest time to admit that I had a crush on him. I just thought he was a very, very interesting individual and wanted to learn more about him. And the more I learned about him, the more I wanted to learn about him. It took several months for me to recognize that my fascination was an infatuation.

      1. GreenGrasses +21

        I also had some sparks at first sight with my dude, and I also thought he was gay! But this was only because others at work had passed their assumptions along to me. I remember seeing him smile for the first time and being like “wooooooow i must have it” and now here we are, four and a half years later!

        I learned eventually that he made sure to mention an ex-girlfriend in conversation with me because he’d heard the gay rumor going around and only cared that I knew the truth. I think that’s kinda… sweet?

    4. kilks401 +8

      The first date was fine but little to no sparks. But there was enough there that I asked her on a second, and we were able to talk about more serious matters and it took off from there.

      (I’m not saying small talk is bad, we needed the small talk to figure out that we did like each other, but it got better once we could move past that)

    5. anthemyst +16

      I actually met my husband while still recovering from a breakup a few months earlier, and later that night my ex was going to be in town and visiting so I was very preoccupied. And then I met my husband, we hit it off right away and had a great conversation (mostly about Star Trek?) and I was completely distracted. I distinctly remember thinking, “Wow, I must be more over my ex than I thought if just chatting with some random guy makes me completely forget about him”. And then, you know, he arrived and I was embarrassingly miserable for the rest of the weekend. And then a month later when I was actually over said ex, I ran into my husband again, we had more super-long Star Trek conversations, started dating a week later, and we’ve been together ever since!

    6. femaelstrom +16

      My most successful relationships have been with people who were good friends before it grew into something romantic. The ones that have crashed and burned were the ones that started out with “omg butterflies are doing martial arts in my stomach” chemistry. That’s obviously not going to be the case for everyone! But chemistry and crushes have, in my past, overridden common sense and led me to ignore red flags and dive into unhealthy situations.

      I didn’t have a crush on my partner when I met them. I thought they were absolutely delightful, but I didn’t know they were queer (and they didn’t really either; I was one of the first girls they liked!). A few months into our friendship they started making flirty comments, which kind of…opened my eyes to the possibility of being more than friends, which hadn’t really been there before. So it’s not a typical situation! I don’t know if I would have had a crush on them if I’d known they were queer right off the bat. What matters right now is that it’s grown into something where I feel safe. I trust them 100% and don’t feel the need to play mind games, or do the “the person who cares less has more power” dance, which has been a staple of all my relationships with dudes. It’s weird to feel genuinely secure in the knowledge that someone loves and supports me; so many of my relationships have felt like walking on a tightrope made of eggshells.

      1. amardine +4

        Oh god, that DANCE! It’s truly the worst. Thank you for this – everything you said strikes a chord with me and I will definitely spend some time mulling it over.

    7. paisleyLo +21

      I met paisleybro at trivia in a bar, and apparently he was very taken with me grilling him to make sure he knew things and wasn’t an idiot. I was not super into him at first, and it took a full year for me to really fall IN LOVE with him.

      But much like soylouisebrooks said upthread, it wasn’t until I realized that he was an incredibly supportive, thoughtful, intelligent person who didn’t think I was insane for having so many loud thoughts and feelings. In fact, he thought I was amazing and cool.

      Also, not for nothing, but allowing someone to take care of you after you’ve taken care of everything yourself for so long is something I’ve had to get comfortable with. For a long time I would side-eye him with “What are you trying to do? What with your making me dinner and thinking of lovely things to take me to and being so giving of your time and energy? Who do you think you are??”

    8. bread_and_roses +14

      Heh, we were friends for seven years before we got together. When we met, she was in a relationship, and I wasn’t dating women (or, well, anyone). I liked her enormously right away, we but that was it.

      She moved cities, I moved to the same city the following year (for unrelated school and work reasons), we started hanging out again, and things were different. I could never articulate why, but I sometimes laugh thinking about how 2005- me would react if I told her whom I married.

    9. msjinxie +9

      I met Beardo via OKC and our first couple of dates were AWKWARD and I wasn’t going to go out with him again but he had tickets to this neat outdoor production of Macbeth and asked if I wanted to join him and BOY DID I and it was great and there was finally some chemistry.
      I knew he was really special, though, and that this relationship was going to go places, a few weeks into dating when he started texting me bad puns while I was at work.

    10. jennycieplak +22

      Honestly, I really did know almost immediately with my husband. He called the day after the first date. And every day after that. And we would have these really long, nice conversations. And I always felt like I could trust him. And there was never any doubt as to his affections. That had never happened with any other relationship before. I mean, he was also really cute, which didn’t hurt, and definitely gave me butterflies… But deep down it was the other stuff that made me realize he was the one.

    11. lemonadefish +14

      We had good camaraderie upon meeting, and for like a year of occasional interactions. Then one night I was in a bar with some friends, including a guy I was sort of kind of dating, and Mr LF walked in with some of his friends, and they sat down with us, and I’m pretty sure I did a cartoon head swivel towards him and didn’t look away for the rest of the night (sorry D! I was an ass; it wasn’t you). Like he was the only thing in the room in color? I like to look back on this moment when he is annoying me. I asked him out a few weeks later and we’ve basically been inseparable since.

    12. poppy +12

      When I first met my husband, I thought he an I had remarkably a lot in common, and that he was a lot of fun to talk to, and he was good looking, but that we were totally unsuitable as romantic partners. He fell in love with me right away, and I spent several months trying to get him to understand things my way. We broke up, but I missed him so badly I thought I was going to die. When he called me again, I was like, “You had the right idea all along.” So in my case, there weren’t a lot of butterflies at first, just this feeling that life was all wrong without him.

    13. ayelltee +34

      I knew right away. Husband and I met at a dinner party thrown by a mutual friend. There were eight of us around the restaurant table, and as the food was eaten and drinks were drunk, Husband and I were low-key flirting and keeping tabs on each other. After dinner, six of us went to a bar….then two more left…and finally it was just the two of us, bar-crawling in the West Village (but not getting very drunk because we were talking so much). We closed down our last place, an Italian coffee/pastry shop, at 4am. By that time I knew. It was like two pieces of a puzzle coming together; there was an almost-audible “click.” I didn’t feel so much excited/stomach-churn-y as settled. Like I’d found what I was looking for even though I had no idea I was searching in the first place.

      That was 25 years ago come this February 1st (yep, I be old). We count that date and not our March wedding date several years later as our true anniversary.

      1. amardine +9

        This sounds so sweet and beautiful, and just reading it made me happy for you. Thank you for sharing!

    14. caatness +11

      I was essentially doing the “love is no bueno, I wish to be ALONE, and it will be fun” and was leaning into the cat lady thing. My brother had somewhat recently died and a long relationship was settling into friendship and I was still in my cocoon and unwilling to have much to do with the outside world then or possibly ever. As part of this regime, I started gaming a lot, and we met on World of Warcraft. I was instantly friend-smitten and we spent hours and hours and hours and hours playing and talking. He was going through the tail end of a crazy rough transition after having left the religion he’d been raised in, which was causing family ripples and friend ripples and we would spend hours at a time discussing philosophy and life structure and feelings and beliefs, which was total catnip. I liked him intensely basically immediately. Our first conversation lasted in the realm of seven-ish hours, if I recall.

      Because he had just had major life stuff and so had I, I was desperately, fiercely committed to remaining Just Friends despite how much I adored him already as a person and the mad chemistry that was happening. I was also somewhat convinced I was just having an unrequited over-the-top crush, helped along by both of us making Not At All Subtle remarks about being just friends. Then at one point he went on a trip to see an old friend and I was eyeball deep in an intense project and he just started sending me these insane wall-of-text texts about how much he wanted me to be happy and how into my art he was and how much he wanted to world to experience what he saw in me, and because he was at his friends’ place he would go take walks in the woods in the middle of the night in Michigan for privacy to he could call me, in the middle of October… I was so smitten. But denying it with the very best self-control I could muster and many lectures on ethics and firm talking-to’s about being happy alone delivered to myself in the mirror.

      it was much harder to hold it together and be cool and friend-zone neutral in person. I tried my best. But one day he was talking one day about how he viewed his life, what he wanted, and when he got to talking about a mate type person, internally every bit of me was screaming, “that is me! that should be me! I am who you need!” Once I gave into admitting how I felt, it basically went from 0 to 120 in under five seconds. He essentially moved in on our fourth date.

      So clearly, my rational side had no clue. But neither of us regret things taking the time they did. I think letting rational side reign for a while made me feel better about giving in to me emotional side, which I do not trust much at all. Plus, I had all kinds of preconceived notions and warnings about online relationships and long distance, so I was really unwilling to trust my emotions. They turned out to be right, though having that space in which I resisted made me feel like I was balanced. My takeaway, specific to your query, was that I personally suck at knowing when to trust my emotions, but often they are far wiser than all the logic I can throw down. It’s like the ever-present “is that intuition or wishful/fearful thinking?” that kicks my ass so often.

    15. bananakarenina +10

      Oooohhhh I love couple origin stories!! *settles into thread happily*

      I met my boyfriend at a mutual friend’s birthday party. I was doing a play with said mutual friend, and he invited the cast over for a combined cast/birthday party. He introduced me to Boyfriend, saying, “This is my best friend, [Name],” and I immediately thought “oooohhhhhh, bestfriendName is CUTE.” but I had just made some poor decisions the weekend before because I was lonely and desperate, so I then immediately told myself, “Jesus, bananakarenina, you don’t have to flirt with every single cute guy you meet.”

      So I didn’t. That…backfired spectacularly, as we ended up chatting for HOURS after I got out of the pool (protip: rainbow bikini helped, though he didn’t tell me that until we had been dating for some time, haha). We talked for a LONG TIME–it struck me how easy it was to talk to him. We chatted about nerdiness, what we liked to drink (I said scotch and he blurted out “oh my god, I love you! um.” which I still tease him about) and also, how we both wanted to move away from Cleveland.

      Eventually it got late and I wanted to leave, and mutual friend’s ladyfriend at the time was obnoxiously drunk, and kept interrupting our chances to…say goodbye alone. “Are you going to have a MOMENT? You’re totally going to have a moment!!!” Finally I took her aside and said, “Honey, we can’t have a moment if *you’re here.*” And he looked mortified, but he said “were we having a moment?” and I confirmed, and gave him my number.

      And then he said, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” so matter-of-factly that I was actually taken aback. (AND HE DID. He didn’t play the wait-a-few-days game, he didn’t fuck around. He…called!)

      I made him walk me to my car (approximately 15 feet down the road, lol) and he was like, “oh…okay, well, this is you…good night,” and I was like, “oh, ffs. I’m going to be very forward right now. You should come down here (I’m 5’3″, he’s 6’5″) and kiss me.”

      And he did. We went on our first date the next day–because he called when he said he would. We had sex on said first date, because I can’t control myself, hehe. I knew it was serious when (in the beginning of our relationship) he would periodically talk about moving to Austin by a certain date, and I would get really sad thinking about what it would be like to not be with him.

      3.5 years later, we’ve moved in together (in Cleveland, joke’s on us) and are talking seriously about marriage. Yay!

    16. protocoach +7

      We met standing in line at a fish fry. We verbally sparred a little bit – she was a med student who had come at the invitation of one of my best friends, also a med student, but my friend is slightly off (I love him, but he can be a difficult person) and I suspected someone he invited might also be a bit off, but she was wonderful, all sharp edges and snappy comebacks. Everyone else there had known each other for a while – most of us went to college together – but she dropped in comfortably right away. I apparently came off as clever and maybe a little arrogant, but interesting enough to spend some more time with. I think the main way I felt was fascinated. She was book-smart, and witty, and pretty, and sarcastic and I couldn’t get enough of talking to her.

      The relationship part started very casually, just hanging out in bars from time to time while we figured out if we wanted anything to happen. Then it rapidly sped up, then she went on a 2 month study abroad trip and ended things halfway through it (second time in my life that I’ve been dumped by someone while we were on separate continents). When she got back, she wanted to meet. I was really resistant, but my roommate at the time talked me into going to get coffee, and we talked for a few hours. It took maybe two months from then to spin up to full speed. I was still hurting and the relationship had some inherent hurdles (interracial relationships! they’re great. and sometimes awful, just like every relationship, and sometimes really hard in ways that other relationships aren’t).

      But we fit so well together that we wanted to make it work. It’s been…four-ish years, now? We’re never really sure what to say our anniversary is. Usually we just move it to a convenient date (it’s migrated around October for the last two years to extract us both from inconvenient social obligations).

    17. annikkinstarkiller +7

      Eight years ago I met my guy at a party, and we started talking about music. After a couple hours of conversation, it gradually dawned on me that he was actually kinda cute. It took about a year after that for us to get together. I have zero instincts.

    18. OliviaPJones +5

      We met at a party, went on a date, then he took me to the airport a couple days later, then we talked on the phone every night and four months later I’d moved across the country and was totally in denial that we were living together (I was only staying with him for a couple of weeks! I was TOTALLY going to keep on going to Portland, which is where I totally do not live right now).

    19. socktantrum +5

      When I met my boyfriend we had a pretty immediate connection and really locked in to each other, but I was in the middle of applying to PhD programs that would all take me out of state, so I think that the rational side of both of our brains kept us from being as up-front about our feelings as we could have been. We broke up briefly when I moved, but then through a flurry of e-mails and a visit home for Thanksgiving we had our wildly romantic reconciliation and finally said all those love things to each other. So we had a somewhat belated “I love you” but nonetheless did have the butterflies-falling-in-love time. And now we are finally living in the same place and it is great.

    20. alder_tree +6

      I fell in lust at first sight with The Boyfriend, and that never ever happens to me. I literally looked up across a table where he’d sat down and went WHOA that guy is attractive, A+, would bone.

      I had just gotten out of a relationship of four and a half years and it wasn’t my intent to date seriously. He was hot and single and I just wanted some sex and he was happy to provide it. But we both Got Feelings within a couple of months. It’s been two and a half years so far and we’re pretty sure we’ll get married.

      1. alder_tree +4

        When we both realized this was more than just a fling, we had a long conversation where I basically laid my proverbial cards out on the table: I have ADHD (which he knew) and off and on depression, I’m crap with money and kind of a slob, I don’t want kids, I love Oregon and never want to leave, etc etc. He did the same. And we came to the conclusion that none of the things we listed were dealbreakers, and from then on out the relationship was different because we knew we were trying out a real relationship instead of just sex dates.

      2. alder_tree +2

        I forgot to mention how we actually met: At a Doctor Who trivia night I used to attend regularly, when the trivia was over and my friends and I were playing Cards Against Humanity because we always did. He sat down to join the game, I looked up and noticed him and his hotness, but he had such a baby-face that I couldn’t tell how old he was, so I have to admit that my first words to my boyfriend were me blurting out, “How old are you????”

  57. smallpistachio +8

    Chicago Toasties who want to see Hamilton in a group but who do not have Facebook accounts:
    here is an evite. Respond there, save the link, and I’ll keep you looped in on the information!

      1. smallpistachio +1

        Sadly, no. It’s group sales only from now to June, which is one reason why we thought to try and get a group going!

    2. jenavira +1

      dammit I tried to post arms of win and intensedebate edits out the first slash. Why don’t you like antiquated emoticons, intensedebate?

  58. CleverManka +51

    It’s my birthday weekend and the Burgomaster is taking me out on Sunday (the actual day) to eat sushi until I am uncomfortably full. I’ve never accomplished this task in my soon-to-be 46 years on this planet. I AM EXCITED.

    5. InsertCoolNameHere +4

      Sushi is my favorite thing to overeat. I fully approve of this birthday plan you speak of. Have a wonderful day!

      1. CleverManka +8

        I’m a little terrified of what the final bill is going to be but I don’t have to pay it, soo…

    6. theskyrbeast +6

      Happy happy birthday! (Also, you’ve inspired me to gather up as many Tom Hiddleston gifs as possible, so I can share the joy.)

    8. RoseCamelia +8

      Birthday weekend? I assumed you had an full Birthday Week, an international celebration knows as CleverManka Week. Happy Birthday, Toastfriend!

      1. CleverManka +5

        Thank you! This isn’t a very exciting one (it’s just number 46, eh) but believe me the 50th is going to be amazing and you all are invited to what I hope will be a party to remember!

    9. kayjayoh_ +3

      Happy birthday! (weekend) Mine is next Sunday (40! Woot!) so we are going to NYC this weekend and seeing Hamilton. Yes!

    10. bookwormV +4

      I hope you are able to reach the uncomfortably-full stage and don’t find yourself in a situation like Homer Simpson at an all-you can-eat restaurant.

      (– Mrs. Simpson, in your own words, please tell us what happened after you and your husband were ejected from the restaurant.
      – We drove around until 3:00 in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.
      – And when you couldn’t find any?
      – We went fishing!      )

      Happy birthday!

  59. beecaveroad +5

    Hi Toast! So I’m a comment section lurker and I have a weird life/relationship situation I could use some (anonymous) advice on. Giant dump of thoughts about money and relationships and supporting yourself in the reply.

    1. beecaveroad +11

      My boyfriend and I have been together for ~5 years, starting when we were both in undergrad. He’s in med school and applying for residency positions, and I’m in my last semester of an MPH. We’re happy and disgustingly cute all the time and I love him a lot.

      But, his family is a lot wealthier than mine. Like multiple houses, paid for his entire college education at our (super expensive) private liberal arts school, go to Europe casually rich. My family is on the high side of middle class, but I paid for college with loans + getting really lucky with financial aid. I like his parents fine and my boyfriend is not particularly materialistic or spoiled or anything, I don’t think.

      The issue is that when we moved in together after undergrad, they insisted on paying our rent. The first year, I thought it was because they weren’t sure our relationship would last in the transition between undergrad and moving in together and with him starting med school, I think they wanted to make sure he wouldn’t have lease entanglements to worry about (not very complimentary to me, but OK). They chose the place, it was fine but didn’t have a real kitchen, we wanted to move after our lease was up. I assumed, at this point, that I would be paying some portion of the rent. I had a paid, full time internship the first year, and I got over my guilt at accepting their gift by throwing money at my student loans. My boyfriend insisted that his parents didn’t want my rent money, and I never talked to them about it directly (they’re on the WASP-y, don’t talk about money-side).

      So, we’re looking for a new place and I’m figuring out how much I can afford (my internship also was ending at this point) and suddenly they decide to buy us a condo. Just, up and bought an expensive condo, that is not in our favorite part of our city but is really close to the medical school, and to the public health school I want to attend. And again, they don’t want my money, just don’t worry about it, etc. etc. I’m still super uncomfortable with this but I don’t have any money since I’m working as a barista and applying to grad school, so it’s hard to really argue the point. Plus, I figure they would have bought the place for him regardless of whether I’m there or not.

      Now, I’ve been assuming this whole time (and my boyfriend has told me) that when he’s earning an actual salary as a resident and I’m out of school and working, that things will be different. We’ll be independent and pay our own way more. We’ll actually get to choose the place we live and not have his parents involved in these major life decisions. Cut to this week and he says his parents want to buy us a house when we move, and pay his student loans. He promises that we’ll get to choose the place this time, but I’m not sure I believe him? And I just… am freaking out. I can’t handle the idea of being a (hopefully) gainfully employed adult approaching my late 20s who isn’t supporting myself.

      1. beecaveroad +11

        Now, the issue is that my parents help me too. The car I drive is theirs, and my cell phone is on their family plan and they pay for my plane tickets home to visit. Of course, I assumed that when I’m no longer in school, I’d give the car back or buy it from them, get my own plane tickets, etc. This is how it worked with my older brother. Also, it feels different to me because these gifts are not as huge as “an entire house” or “rent for four years” but maybe it’s not different? His argument is that his parents want to help him, and he can’t turn it down without hurting them.

        I think what I’m really worried about is that we’ll never actually have to be adults making hard decisions, that we’ll just keep playing house and that he never wants to be a real family with me. And yeah we’ve talked about getting married and kids and stuff, but what if it keeps being eventually? I’m feeling like I want those things in the next five years or so. What if his parents continue to exert this strong monetary influence forever and he can’t or (more likely) doesn’t want to stand up to them, ever, even if he knows it’s upsetting to me?

        I kind of feel like this is compromising something major, that I’m not being the person I want to be if I accept this kind of gift forever. Plus, I believe in being able to support myself- what if we break up and I have no rental history? I also have that feeling of playing a game against someone and finding out later that they let you win- like I’ve been building up my credit history and not getting into debt and planning how to pay rent and service my student loans and stuff next year, for nothing. I worry that his parents think less of me. I was thinking today that maybe I can just start sending them rent checks when we move? Because I feel like I have to?

        I don’t know how to feel about this. Part of me says shut up, lucky, paying for stuff sucks and think about how fast you can pay off your loans if you aren’t paying rent. The other part says um, remember how you feel that it’s important to support yourself and be in control of your own life and you want your relationship to be a partnership where you make big decisions together?

        Help, please.

          1. green +21

            Hi you,

            What is your relationship like with his parents? What is his relationship with them like? I can’t get a sense of what sort of power dynamics are at hand here – how much you feel they’re meddling/controlling/keeping you from what you really want versus how you feel guilty for accepting help or not being the Right Kind of Adult.

            If it is just the latter? Honestly, if they want to support you in this way, save your money and accept the help. It doesn’t sound like you are actually utterly dependent on these people – like you would be destitute were they not to be helping – so that is good. You sound like a hardworking person- you will have plenty of gigantic scary financial and life/death decisions to make in life. I get the sense that this is really about what kind of person you want to be in the world, and maybe how you’d like to function in the world with your boyfriend. Which is a much deeper issue than having extremely generous parents.

            If my family could afford to pay my loans/rent/whatever – and I needed the help (which I often do!) I would let them do so in a minute. From their perspective it is what being a parent is for – and they are not people with a lot of money. Now that I’m on the later end of my 20’s, I don’t feel threatened by their wanting to help, because I have my own life, and I know who I am and what I have to offer the world. If you need to spend time doing that, then that is where you need to dedicate your energies – but it isn’t necessarily about house/no house.

            Grad school is hard – put your energies there. Relationships are hard, put your energy there. Having a talk with your partner about who you want to be as people sounds really key here. From that grounding, making a decision about a house might feel less stressful?

            (Caveat: there are all kinds of legal things I am overlooking! including, owning property with someone who is not legally your partner sounds tricky. at the end of the day though, talk deeply to your dude, I guess?)

          2. theskyrbeast +11

            I think what I’m really worried about is that we’ll never actually have to be adults making hard decisions, that we’ll just keep playing house and that he never wants to be a real family with me. And yeah we’ve talked about getting married and kids and stuff, but what if it keeps being eventually?

            This part of your post really stood out to me, beecaveroad. Are you worried that you and your partner are not having some hard conversations about where things are going, and what your future plans are, because some of these big decisions are being taken out of your hands? How does your boyfriend feel about being loan-free much sooner than he might have anticipated, and about being a homeowner? Now that the he doesn’t have to pay off gigantic loans, what would he want to put that money towards instead? Because, as other commenters have rightly pointed out, his loans are his own, but coupled with the offer of a house, and given the scale of med school loans, paying them off right away is a big investment in the future, and that’s something that you and he are planning on navigating together, so you’re part of this equation too.

            Or, to put it another way: are you more worried about where the money is coming from, or about whether or not the money is creating inertia in your relationship that is keeping you and the boyfriend from making decisions together about how you’re moving forward together in life?

            This sounds pretty stressful, and like the latest bit of generosity-mayhem just dropped out of the sky on you. That would freak me out, feeling like my life plans and calculations had just been rearranged like that. (I am the kind of person who does not even like surprise birthday parties.) Sending you lots of toast-hugs if you want them.

        2. MilesofMountain +16

          Do you feel like this is the only aspect where his parents are having more influence than you’re comfortable with? By which I mean, do you feel like there are (spoken or unspoken) obligations attached to this, whether those are them having a say in other decisions you make or if you feel obligated to visit them more than you otherwise would? If not, the practical side of me says let it slide for now, but you’re right that it’ll start getting weird if you both are out of school and you’re living in a house they bought without any of you really having a conversation about why they’re doing it and what it means. What if you want to move to a different town away from the parents? What if you want to live in a neighbourhood they don’t approve of? It’s pretty concerning to me that it sounds like they didn’t even talk to you guys before they bought you an apartment.

          Your boyfriend’s student loans are his own and I don’t think you can tell him who is and isn’t allowed to pay them, but you are 100% entitled to make choices about your own living arrangements. I think you and your boyfriend need to have a difficult, honest talk about the questions you bring up, like if he ever wants to get off his parents’ support, how he sees it working if you guys break up, what other decisions he sees his parents as entitled to make on his behalf, etc.

          1. GreenGrasses +11

            Your boyfriend’s student loans are his own and I don’t think you can tell him who is and isn’t allowed to pay them, but you are 100% entitled to make choices about your own living arrangements. I think you and your boyfriend need to have a difficult, honest talk about the questions you bring up, like if he ever wants to get off his parents’ support, how he sees it working if you guys break up, what other decisions he sees his parents as entitled to make on his behalf, etc.

            I think this is key, here. The condo is bought, you guys get to save a lot of money out of the gate on your life together, but it does feel like you need to come up with an endpoint for the whole “parents controlling the living situation.” I bet you’ll feel a lot better if you and your bf decide that after you move from the condo, you’re on your own. If he’s not willing to come to some sort of decision like that, then you’re probably not compatible in the long run, because you two would have very different ideas for how the rest of your lives should take shape.

          2. MilesofMountain +16

            Oh! And if you’re feeling guilty that you’re getting this windfall and others don’t, don’t be. It’s true that it’s not fair, but that’s not within your control. You not taking this money doesn’t mean they’ll spend it on some random deserving student, they won’t. I don’t think you have any obligation to turn it down for that reason, your only obligations there are to avoid being one of those “well I don’t see why crushing student debt is a problem, it never bothered me” people (which I can tell you wouldn’t be). Don’t send them rent money, although if you want you could consider sending a monthly check to the charity of your choice instead.

        3. jlper +13

          This would kind of freak me out too.

          It also makes his parents a huge, permanent part of your life in a way I would not be comfortable with. They’ve chosen where you’ve lived without consulting either of you. That would be a huge boundary violation to me. Plus there would always be a sense of threat hanging over my head, knowing that it could all go away any second if I make a decision they don’t like. What if you like a “bad” part of town? What if you don’t want kids? What if you move across the country?

          I get that this is probably “normal” in super wealthy families and it’s part of why the wealth stays so concentrated there; they’ll probably pay for your kids private educations and trust funds too. You can ask your boyfriend if he has a timeline in his head for when he’ll be self-sufficient, but it might be never.

          On the other hand, paying for stuff does suck, and pride or misplaced sense of fairness doesn’t pay the rent. Having that much free money could be a great opportunity, especially in a charitable sense. You could save up enough money to know you could totally support yourself if you needed to, but also give a lot to charities that house homeless families, or provide tutoring to kids in your community, or any number of causes that are important to you. But that wouldn’t really help you not feel like a kept woman, either.

          I don’t know, it’s rough. I’d probably be tempted to run away to Paris or something.

        4. SmrtCookie +6

          I totally get how important it is to you to take control of your own life and support yourself and worry about things going wrong. I am exactly like that. The thing is, no matter how good your boyfriend’s parents intentions are, if you feel gross about accepting rent/a condo/whatever from them it’s not a nice thing for them to do and it’s not nice for your boyfriend to go along with it. However you feel is totally valid. My best advice is to figure out what would happen in your ideal world. And then also figure out what middle ground between that ideal world and your current situation you would also be comfortable with. Then talk to your boyfriend, when neither of you are tired or hungry or have anywhere to go for awhile because this convo could take awhile.

      2. Goomaly +13

        I get you. I had a similar experience during college, where my in-laws let us live in their home rent-free (they were out of the country) and also paid for the state university tuition and gave us a stipend so we could not have to worry about bills. Even later when we were more-or-less gainfully employed and living independently, we were each gifted cars, almost-new cars. It did make me a little uncomfortable but I knew it was a temporary arrangement, and I see that it’s different for you.

        Ultimately, they were people who had been lucky and smart with their money all their lives, and they wanted to spend it on easing the growing-up-transitions for their family. i was very grateful and awkward about showing my gratitude, but eventually I realized they just wanted us to work our asses off and not let their gifts be wasted.

        Your situation sounds similar, though obviously of a bigger scale, and I admit I would be freaking out a little, and yes, starting to worry about if they are going to be doing this for the rest of your life. So here’s my advice: Expect their support to get cut off at any time. Not because it will, but in the sense of making sure you are doing everything you feel you ought to be doing anyways, maintaining savings, paying down your debt, living within your means. I know what you mean about playing a game of Grownup, but really, it’s not a game. Anything could happen, you could struggle to find work, one of you could be in an accident, the parents could suddenly die and everything is liquidated… I’m being dramatic but really, you being prepared IS NOT A MISTAKE. Get a credit card, use it for everything, pay it off each month, that’ll give you credit history. Make sure one of the utilities is in your name. It sounds like you already know these things, just keep doing it.

        Don’t send them rent! Try to stop thinking about that. They don’t want or need your money. Put it toward your student loan.

        Or… I just had a thought. What if you tweak your plans a little. What if you save up for a down payment and just fucking buy a house/condo FOR YOURSELF. Then rent it out, or do airbnb, whatever. Then you have your place you can live if you need to, but if you don’t need to, well, you have another source of income and your feelings of independence are satiated (if not completely satisfied). But that will really go a LONG way in making you feel like you are a grown person making a living and making choices and sacrifices and able to support yourself.

        And of course, try to make sure your boyfriend really hears your concerns. He probably won’t agree with you, be prepared for that (I admit I would not turn down a free place to live) but if you keep moving toward buying your own place, for your own security and peace of mind (you can call it an investment if anyone in his family gives you side eye about it), I think you’ll feel a lot better. If you can get your boyfriend to buy it with you I bet that would be a rad time (that’s ignoring all my opinions about legally entangling yourself with another human).

        1. beecaveroad +6

          Ahh thank you all! I knew Toasties would be level headed and wonderful.

          So my relationship with his parents is friendly, and I think getting friendlier (like his mom likes everything I post on Facebook, which I like because so do my great-aunts and my dad and stuff) and they always invite me to visit and I’ve spent enough time with them that I’m comfortable with them for the most part. I still feel though like my relationship with them is filtered through him- like I can’t see a way to directly talk to them about this issue.

          His relationship with them… well, he’s the oldest and I think he’s in a weird situation where he puts a ton of pressure on himself to live up to their expectations but they also tend not to treat him like an adult. He’s sort of the smart but no common sense sibling in their family dynamic, and I think they have trouble seeing him as an adult who can make decisions for himself, which bothers me (and him too, I think) and is what makes them feel like they need to control things for him.

          The control thing, I think, is what bothers me. If they had offered to pay for a place without choosing it for us the previous two times it happened, I would have been flabbergasted that they were giving us such a generous gift but it would have been less weird/frustrating. I’m worried about what happens if we want to live in an older house, or one in a neighborhood they don’t like, and they decide to veto it and buy us a shiny new house in the suburbs.

          Also, this is all going down soonish- my boyfriend is doing the residency match so he gets matched to a program in mid-March and we move there in June or thereabouts. None of the places he’s interviewed are terribly close to them, or places they’re lived before, but that didn’t stop them when we moved to our current city. Like I said, he told me this time they wouldn’t choose the place, but I’m not sure I trust him to stand up to them.

        2. beecaveroad +10

          Also, I love the idea of saving up for a place on my own so I can feel in control and like I am building a life for myself. And about giving to charity- that’s something I would love to do, so that appeals to me as a way to assuage my guilt over accidentally ending up a semi-trust-fund kid. It would feel amazing to send the equivalent of my monthly rent to a shelter for LGBTQ runaways or an after school program for kids in my current city, or set up a small scholarship for kids to go to the summer program I loved as a teenager, or to my undergrad school.

          And yes, I think we need to talk about it seriously. We had a sort of emotional, awkwardly in-public conversation about it earlier this week, thus the need to brain dump. But I think we need to talk about it more seriously, soon.

          1. eegghh +4

            I would be very upset to have someone pick something for me that I didn’t get input on, because I have lots of opinions. And I got all weird about the notion that my dude’s parents were going to buy us a table, so I get where you are coming from but I do think this could be a blessing in disguise. Think about it this way- you have patrons.

            So, I’d put aside whatever you were expecting to pay in rent in a fund for yourself. Until/unless you are married, all the resources in this relationship are his, which is both good and bad. You can use this dependence to fund independence- if you put that income aside you could end up with enough money to buy your own place or take off around the world for 2 years or anything, and that will make you feel both adult and independent. Certainly give to charity too, but I really think it’s crucial that you don’t just give up the accumulation of your own wealth right now (i.e. donating your entire income that you would have spent on rent)- this is a real chance to build assets and make sure that if you ever leave this relationship you have your own separate wealth.

            Meanwhile I think what you need to talk about is what is important between the two of you. What are your shared values on gifts? What are you working towards together? Because when i was freaking out about the table, my partner was like, I’ll tell them we don’t want one yet, but if they give us a table and you don’t love it, we can sell it. He loves his parents but he put us/my feelings first, and that’s so important. We’re a unit, a team. We don’t always agree, but we agree to disagree with each other first, you know?

            Has he ever put his feet down with them? Does he want to? How does he feel about support? What resources do you share together? Is there a point where your assets will be shared? You said he doesn’t want to hurt his parents when they offer him something, but if the choice was hurting you vs hurting them, where do you rank?

            I think this is really not about the parents it’s probably more about having separate stuff…he’s like, “here’s my house from my family and you are welcome here” and if I’m reading between the lines correctly, you are now in a relationship for many years, where your decisions aren’t exactly made together. That would bug me, and did bug me. I was with someone for 4.5 years and it was always like, “are we going to actually do this?” My ex would just announce something and say, “this is what I need” and it wouldn’t include me, even though it didn’t preclude me either? If you are both in school it’s so easy to keep being like, “oh man we’ll adult once we’re not so focused on school” but it’s also reasonable to think, “we’ve been together a long time, are we still sort of free agents or are we getting married, having kids, co-owning assets, etc?” That stuff doesn’t just happen, it has to be discussed.

          2. beecaveroad +1

            Hey! So I don’t think I can reply-all on IntenseDebate but I wanted to follow up- I ended up letting my boyfriend read this thread, and it was incredibly helpful. He actually said that if we ever have another serious discussion/argument and I want to write a two page essay on how I feel and share it, that it would be great. Nothing I said was news to him, he told me, but it was really helpful to see it all laid out in one place.

            So, ultimately we discussed how we would handle non-parent money in our relationship moving forward, talked about kids and marriage and what kind of timeline we were both comfortable with, and realized we were really in agreement on these things. He also, in a later discussion, talked more about how his parents feel about all of this. Basically in their minds, this is their way of staying involved in his life and remaining his parents even though he’s an adult. Like, he said it would basically break their hearts if he turned this down, which I can understand. It’s different from the way I feel about it obviously, but I get it. He also said that they definitely don’t need or want my money for rent or anything like that and that it would probably offend them if I offered, and that they don’t see me at all as a gold digger or opportunist or any of the negative things I’ve worried they thought about me.

            So, overall, we’ll have to keep talking about all of this, obviously, but this was so helpful! Thank you for being awesome, Toasties <3

    2. lilsebastian01 +2

      hey sorry this is so late! I am super behind, but you might want to check out if there’s a Resource Generation chapter in your area. It’s a national organization of young people with wealth and class privilege (and their partners!!) for the redistribution of land, wealth, and power. There’s a big political component that may or may not be aligned with you, but it’s also a great space to find other people who have wealth and who are partnered with people with wealth. If you fill out the interest form on their website, someone will get back to you, and their whole staff is awesome.

  60. bighairnoheart +84

    A 100% serious question here.

    Who would be interested in the prospect of Camp Toast (Toast Camp?) in the semi-wilds of Vermont full of Toasties and nature (but manageable amounts) and some unavoidable farm animals (again manageable) and activities of some sort to be determined later?

    A large part of this is still contingent on my rousting my parents from the scene (they’ve been invited to a wedding in early July) and seeing where I end up after graduation. But still.
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=10KObAQFmlY

    Give me your thoughts, people.

      3. Thujaplicata +4

        I would very likely be totally up for that! Vermont is cool and all, but I can get much cheaper plane tickets to the west coast (or maybe even drive!)

    2. friendofdaja +18

      Don’t know if you’re familiar with Autostraddle, but this sounds like A-Camp, which has always sounded awesome.
      But yeah, hot damn, keep us posted!

    4. CleverManka +12

      Provided there is an actual building for sleeping and running water (I absolutely cannot sleep in a tent), I would be on board! I’m attending a con July 14-19 but if it wasn’t the weekend before or after, I might be able to swing it (provided plane tickets there aren’t outrageous).

      1. bighairnoheart +11

        There is a large old farmhouse. Three full baths, pipes, a roof, a kitchen. Cruddy internet though.

    6. SmrtCookie +13

      Logistics might not work for me but in theory, absolutely! Plus toasties are an interesting and talented bunch so I bet attendees could be leaned on to come up with activities.

    7. soylouisebrooks +4

      YES

      maybe in somewhere accessible for non-USA based Toasties? Vermont sounds amazing though. What a great idea!

      1. bighairnoheart +3

        That is the one thing about VT. Unless you’re on the eastern coast of the US or Canada it probably wouldn’t work. If other people have non-US options that’d be great.

      2. RoseCamelia +7

        I’m planning a carpool from Boston’s Logan airport. I’ll rent a car big enough. Let me know if you want to trust my driving (middle-aged, lots of long road trips, 3 years driving in Boston traffic, never had a ticket): rmcd 1974 [at] hotmail [dot] com

    8. jenavira +9

      This sounds like an excellent excuse to take that long vacation I’ve wanted for a while. Yes, please.

    22. OliviaPJones +1

      Um, maybe!! We might be on the East Coast by then so could swing up that way. I would need to check on some logistics.

  61. ksek +58

    Hey Toasties — can we come up with a term that’s the audio equivalent of manspreading? Not mansplaining, but just… dudes just not being aware of (or being aware of, but not caring about) all the sounds they’re making in a quiet/shared space? Bros at my office are just non-stop hacking, tapping, unnecessarily loud stirring/eating, belching, and sometimes just straight up things like grunting and making fart sounds with their mouths.

    3. evieskye +15

      Related to this male students are always protesting me shushing them (it’s a library) “I’m a dude! I have a loud voice!” And I am not having it–they can text each other or I will lend them a small wipe off board, but they need to quiet the hell down.

      1. walrathem +11

        Back when libraries were invented and the standard of not being loud in the library was instated libraries were DUDE ONLY, DUDE. I’m pretty sure that means he can keep it down. Historify that bro.

    4. socktantrum +3

      I’m now terrified that you work with my boyfriend because he seems completely incapable of holding in the mouth-fart noises that he makes every time he’s disgruntled.

      1. ksek +3

        Almost certainly not. The main offender is, I believe, single, and uses some heavily misogynistic language in discussions with his fellow bros. Even if he hid that at home, I don’t think he’d ever date a Toastie!

    5. Impractical_Cat +12

      Oh my god overly loud yawning. You do not need to holler like an ape every time you yawn, KEVIN.

    6. actualmeg +9

      Also a term for when men are standing around OBVIOUSLY blocking a doorway/walking space and are seemingly unaware that there is someone (usually female) who needs to get by?

  62. sunfastrose +22

    So – I have a 19 year old cat (turning 20 sometime this year). Her name is Sunshine, and I love her very much.

    I brought her in to the vet this week because I was afraid she was losing weight. They didn’t have her weight recorded from her last check-up in September (!), but since September 2014 she had gone from over 9 pounds to just under 8. Not good. They wanted to run blood tests, because the results from her September blood tests had shown she was in the first stages of renal failure. Not a surprise – she’s an old kitty!

    The blood test results came back. She’s way out of range on a specific protein – globulin; the scale of normal is 2-5, she is at 12. They wanted my permission to do further tests to deep dive into the results, which I of course said yes to, but essentially it’s probably cancer.

    I don’t want to lose my Sunshine. We might have caught it early, there’s still a lot to do to go deeper, but I’m already crying.

    1. jennycieplak +6

      Aw. I’m so sorry… It’s so hard to watch our pets get old and sick. ((internet hug))

    2. Bryn (Plus Others) +8

      All the Toast hugs and love to you and to Sunshine. It is so hard when pets are sick.

      I will tell you though, my 20-yr-old cat got bladder cancer and … lived happily with the tumour with no treatments for another 18 months. So even if it is the cancer, it might not be Sunshine’s time to leave yet.

      1. sunfastrose

        Thank you so much for this. My Sunshine is tough. I have to hope that she is as lucky as your cat.

    5. Es_Petal +4

      I’m so sorry to hear this. I hope you are able to manage it and Sunshine stays happy and with you for a while yet.

    7. ClickityCat +1

      I’m so sorry, and here’s hoping the vets can give her a little more time. Hugs to you.

  63. raqueue +74

    Okay, I just made the doctor’s appointment to get properly screened for my mental health issues (depression? anxiety? ADD? idk what’s wrong), and I am feeling super proud of myself for doing so. Trying to overcome years of avoiding the health system.

  64. irreverantontheinternet +10

    So when I comment here on the Toast, I’m subscribed to replies but I only get email notifications about every one in 10. And multiple people can comment on one of posts but I’ll only get notified of maybe one person. Any troubleshooting tips for this?

    1. Merripat +3

      Are you subscribed to “replies” or “all new comments”? Because “replies” only means comments by people who are logged in AND reply directly to your original comment. Subscribing to “all new comments” should give you a notification for all the others (though I’ve never tried that, tbh) – but still only from registered people.

      1. irreverantontheinternet +3

        That might be the problem! I didn’t want to subscribe to “all new comments” because I interpreted that to mean “all new comments on the post” and as much as I love all the conversations here my inbox Did Not Need that. (though it appears that you are logged in, but I got no notification about this reply?)

        1. Merripat +1

          Oh no! Yes, I am logged in. That is weird. Maybe IntenseDebate has a FAQ for troubleshooting?

  65. soylouisebrooks +32

    Toasts! Happy Friday!

    I am in my first ever serious relationship. By which I mean we are official and neither of us is going anywhere. We are monogamous. I am a cis woman, he is a cis man. I am thrilled but also scared. Facing commitment phobia is hard – any tips?

    P.s. Our activities as a couple include cooking for each other and me making him read Bad Feminist aloud to me as I recline in bed. Then he goes downstairs and makes breakfast. Why do I periodically feel like running?

    Many thanks, and happy weekend yayyyy!

    1. PomoFrannyGlass +27

      You periodically feel like running because something good = something to lose, and that is scary. It’s okay, though, just try to be aware of it and check in with yourself often. Hooray for being happy!

    2. bookwormV +7

      It is hard and scary at first. When my partner and I first got together (my first relationship ever), I completely freaked out and just wanted to hide and take back everything, because the idea of a relationship was just so far outside my experience and it was frightening. But we are still together, seven years later, and I am happy and love him a lot. Wanting to run at the beginning does not mean you are a bad person or that things are doomed to failure. Good luck.

      1. cornpancake +4

        How do you keep yourself from running? Just reminders? I’ve run a lot in the past and don’t want to anymore. I always confuse “discomfort because you’re not familiar with healthy relationships” with “unhappiness” and I’m ready to break the habit.

    1. gclouts +4

      The best feeling is finding out that something delicious that you love is actually really easy to make!

      1. Bunburying +6

        The best feeling is finding out that something delicious that you love is actually really easy to make your straight white male sleigh-pullers cook for you!

        (fixed)

        1. Readerbeth +1

          Read that at first as if the sleigh itself was exclusively for straight white males, and being pulled by everyone else. Then I realized that a) that would be very strange imagery to be used here, as it’s not very Toastlike, and b) it’s not just imagery because it has definitely existed at some point in history and let’s face it probably still does.

          But yes, caramel corn is the best.

  67. peregrination +10

    Is it possible for life to be really really unstable but still really really good? I am absolutely loving the situation I am in right now, and I feel good, but there’s also a teetering and a tottering in my life and I like. Am pretty sure things are okay? But wouldn’t be surprised if stuff got even weirder? I can handle it but I’m worried about balance.

    I know I can’t change everything at once and that it would be unwise to try, because PRESSURE, but I do know I need to kick myself into gear so that I don’t start spiraling. What do you guys do to motivate yourselves to be awesome and stop berating yourself for your faults and whims and guilts?

    1. Pygmalion24 +4

      All I can say is I’m in the same (rocky) boat. Very happy with a lot of things right now, even though my romantic life, career, and living situation are all somewhat in flux.

      1. peregrination +2

        It’s so good knowing there are other people feeling the same weirdness. Most of the important things are fine with me, but I think the trouble is stemming from finally being settled after a year of physical, mental, economical, and locational turmoil. How do I slash the coping mechanisms I adopted to deal with all that stress, now that I’m unstressed? Why am I continuing to do things that made me happy when I was unhappy, even though I don’t need the pick-me-ups anymore?

        I hope your flux unfluxes soon, or that you’re happy enough to keep letting it be fluxy!

        1. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

          Why would you not do things that make you happy? You can be happy all the time, not just when you are stressed! (Maybe I am not understanding this question?)

          1. peregrination +2

            Oh, no! I mean, I got into habits when I was unhappy of doing things that were not necessarily good for me, but which distracted me or cheered me up, and now I’ve continued with those bad habits even though I don’t need them as crutches anymore because I’m NOT unhappy.

    2. CleverManka +5

      Adopt “I Regret Nothing” as a mantra and then live it. As long as you think your life is good and you’re loving your situation, embrace the weirdness!

      1. peregrination +2

        Regret is definitely an issue for me sometimes, but embracing weirdness is tooootally not! Some of the strangest things that have happened recently are actually so wonderful, and only strange in that the timing is just ludicrous. Literally EVERYTHING had to be topsy-turvied for me; no aspect of my life is safe; and the weirdness has reached the point of being totally hilarious. Thanks for the advice!!

    3. Bryn (Plus Others) +5

      Things can be very unstable but still really really good! Someone in our system reads a lot of Buddhist stuff and as far as I can tell the gist of it is that life is actually like that all the time but most people pretend it is actually stable, and real peace comes from realising that it is always unstable but good! So go you!

      1. peregrination +2

        I LOVE this concept, and am going to spend the afternoon reading into it! I’m a pretty introspective person, and I sometimes wonder if anything escapes my consciousness or my notice, and I’m super pleased to hear that maybe instability is the most normal thing there is.

        1. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

          The books our system have been reading are by Pema Chodron — she has written a lot and they are very different in some ways, the earlier ones are more technical and specific and then (IMO) as she got more comfortable writing to a large audience she gets more general. But almost ALL of her books have things about how fluidity is the natural state of things and how meditation is about learning to sit with how things are really now, because what causes unhappiness is that either a) people are happy so we try to make it stable/lasting/eternal when really life is fluid and it is inevitably going to change, or b) people are unhappy and scrambling to fix it from a position of anxiety rather than knowing that it is going to change.

          I am probably hugely oversimplifying, but I would love to hear what you think if you do read any of it!

    4. Social +3

      Yes, of course. My life is like this too. It sounds like you’re taking chances and risks and generally living life. If you weren’t making these changes you might feel stagnant.

      A habit of berating yourself takes time and therapy to fix. But can you just be a little kinder to yourself to start with? Make sure you’re getting food, sleep, medication, exercise, etc. Whatever you need to feel your best. Make to-do lists and get as much done on them as you can in one day. Then let yourself rest and recharge. Then start again tomorrow.

      1. peregrination +1

        My life is all about taking chances and pushing boundaries and doing stupid stuff. I told myself I needed to put that on hold for a while, though, because of some weird bad junk that happened last year, but haven’t really followed through and continued on being my whimsical self, so I guess I just doubt my self-control sometimes. (And I used to be the QUEEN of self-control.)

        I actually told a co-worker the other day that I was really nice to other people (strangers, especially) but really mean to myself, and she, the sweetest most innocent person ever, thought it was HILARIOUS — the concept of being mean to YOURSELF just seemed ludicrously impossible to her, and that really put things in perspective for me. It’s my goal this year to not be so self-deprecating or self-sabotaging, to stop listing things I “should be doing” or “need to do,” and just DO them.

        Plus the resting and recharging and remembering what makes me feel good. Thank you for this (super important!) reminder!

    5. Vasilyssa +3

      I wish I had some useful advice for either of us, since that’s about my situation as well. I usually just try to take a deep breath and try to embrace the strangeness and uncertainty, and accept I can’t make everything perfect and regimented and complete all at once. It’s…probably could be going better, but I’m mostly happy.

      1. peregrination +1

        Totally. I need to find a good balance of control: before I had too much and tormented myself, and now I have too little and end up mad at myself for being so indulgent. Just gotta give in to my whims sometimes, and restrict myself other times. And bask in the strangeness because, ooooh, there is plenty of THAT going around.

        Here’s to being mostly-happy! <3

    6. RoseCamelia +2

      I’ve been there. Often return there. Rather, I am forcibly returned there. I like to compliment myself for my success in not being boring!

      1. peregrination +2

        Being boring would be the WORST. I’m so glad I have such a crazy fluctuating life — it makes interaction with other humanshapes much more interesting! Go us!

  68. caatness +8

    So. I agreed to be a producer and a writer on a documentary. I am having early-in-the-project anxiety that I feel I need to keep to myself. I know I can make it work, but still have that “omg sky is falling what if I ruin everything for everyone” that I get when starting something once the initial thrill of sinking my teeth into something new eases off a bit. When I am at the helm, at something I created for myself, I feel like a failure is on me, but when it’s someone else’s baby… man, the pressure!! Plus, I am deeply invested in the subject and it’s as Toast as it gets so I am excited to share updates with y’all.

    We’re in the fundraising grind at the moment, so if anyone has resources for funding indie projects in film, in particular resources for projects that highlight indigenous women or are by indigenous women specifically, I would love them. We’re doing the typical stuff but any suggestions appreciated, in case it’s something we somehow missed.

    1. geekcrackteam +2

      Ahoy fellow producer, here to commiserate on early project anxiety! I plan for every worst case scenario and always expect it to go bad, but at least then I get a nice surprise when things go well!

    2. RoseCamelia +2

      I offer a hex of sorts:

      Get back, Imposter Syndrome! You are unwelcome here and I hereby banish you!

  69. anthemyst +42

    I got into the most ANNOYING Facebook argument with my sisters yesterday and I am still SO STEAMED about it so prepare yourselves for some capslock yelling.

    So, yesterday Mattel announced that they’re coming out with new body sizes for Barbie. In addition to Original, there will be Petite, Tall and Curvy. I found out about this because Sister 1 posted a link along with a half-baked rant about PC culture gone amok and “They’re not even SUPPOSED to be realistic” and “I played with the regular Barbie as a kid and it never made me think I had to look like Barbie”.

    This is annoying even in a vacuum, but it is ESPECIALLY annoying, like to a sitcom-ish level, coming from S1, who looks so much like Barbie SHE WAS PAID FOR IT BY MATTEL. Once upon a time, this sister would don a pink dress and greet the children of toy stores at official Meet Barbie events, they would get their pictures taken with her, and she got a check for it.

    So I pointed this out, and asked if she also objected to non-white Barbies or the multitude of career Barbies, etc, to which she replied “They already HAD those” because analogies are one THOUSAND percent wasted on my sisters, it is like trying to point things out to a cat.

    Then our younger sister chimes in with a really long reply that was barely parsable, but essentially amounted to “This is silly you can’t represent EVERYBODY people always find something to be offended about nobody should care about what a doll looks like”. I pointed out that S2 also resembles Barbie, to which she replied that no she DOESN’T because she has STRETCH MARKS and how dare I attack her appearance and say that pretty people aren’t allowed to have opinions.

    Paraphrased highlights:

    -“lol if dolls affected how you feel about yourself then we’d all feel bad for not having yarn hair”

    -“Maybe I should protest LEGO for having rectangles instead of circles they’re discriminating against circles”

    -“okay but Barbie isn’t the sole reason for eating disorders so this isn’t going to solve anything”

    -“people should just learn to feel good about themselves, maybe Barbie is skinny but little girls can CHOOSE not to feel bad about it just like I did”

    And, like, just a lot of nonsense about how people are too hyper-sensitive even though S1 STARTED IT BY BEING HYPERSENSITIVE ABOUT MATTEL MAKING NEW BARBIE DOLLS. And absolutely no response to the point that Mattel is a business that obviously will only act in its own self-interest and if they’re doing this it’s ONLY because they think it will increase profits, no imaginary PC police are twisting their arms about it.

    And it went on ALL DAY, there are 101 comments on my sister’s original Facebook post. I do not understand what has to be going on in your brain to see that Mattel is like, “Hey, we’re releasing new dolls that are not quite as identical to one another as previous dolls!” and be offended by it?

    1. PierrePoutine +43

      I love how people who whine about the oversensitivity of the PC police are incredibly thin-skinned when they hear of anyone doing something more inclusive/making tame jokes about white people or men etc.

      1. MilesofMountain +44

        This is probably wrong and passive-aggressive of me, but I get great satisfaction implying that they are being emotional since they always seem to consider themselves more “rational” and the PC side hysterical. I like to say things like “I can tell you’re upset and it’s totally fine to have strong feelings about important parts of your childhood, but my argument is that aside from that it actually doesn’t affect you if there are shorter versions of Barbie.” They never seem to know how to take it.

        1. OliviaPJones +11

          OMG I used that on an internet man on another site a couple of days ago and it TOTALLY WORKS.

          1. Xolandra +3

            Yeah, used in a Facebook fight with my bro-in-law. He asked if I was trolling him and then wandered off. So effective.

    2. rawrbook +42

      My first response to this was “…but there are circular legos.” I don’t know what that says about me.

      And, ugh, the willful misunderstanding of some people in arguments can be endlessly frustrating

      1. anthemyst +16

        I mean, I think my first thought was “But each rectangular LEGO has 1, 4 or 6 circles on it if anything they are discriminating against rectangles” so I definitely get that.

        1. rawrbook +14

          Also… aren’t the heads of the little lego characters round/ circle? And those brightly colored little circles that make excellent pretend jewels for your pirate’s chest!?

          1. Nashirakins +24

            LEGOS: tons of circles. If anything, they maybe hate triangles or unusual polyhedra, but they are totally cool with circles.

          2. SarcasticFringehead +11

            Sure. Try to get a rhombus or an oblong shape in there, and they’ll kick you right out, but there are certainly circles aplenty.

        2. robotneedslove +8

          Maybe they should make the skinny Barbie out of lots of little fat Barbies. What would your sisters do then!

    3. TheRenleigh +51

      This is so absurd it’s almost kind of beautiful. Someone who was PAID MONEY to LOOK LIKE BARBIE thinking it’s ridiculous that people care what Barbie looks like.

        1. anthemyst +5

          I mean, obviously 28 and 24 are young-ish ages and I’m sure all three of us will mature in plenty of ways over the courses of our lives, but in my experience this specific kind of thinking, that people (who are affected by issues I am not affected by) are oversensitive and the PC police have gone too far this time, etc, is the kind of thinking people are more likely to grow into than out of.

          1. RoseCamelia +6

            I am sorry to say you are probably correct. However, there is hope. I was a little like them when I was in my 20s. Getting past 30 and getting treated for mental illness helped me mature out of that kind of thinking. It is possible.

  70. drSugarbean +7

    Hi Toasties! Long time lurker here, I have a question about a chronic health condition. I have hemicrania continua headaches, and while indomethacin has helped in the past, I currently am on a 7 day streak that is not responding. Does anyone else suffer from this? Has any treatment helped? I feel like I’m going crazy from the constant pain. I need to find a better neurologist, since the one I saw could not even diagnose the headache correctly. Thank you for reading the long comment, and please excuse me if work prevents me from posting until tomorrow.

    1. Bunburying +5

      I’m sorry I can’t help with advice, but that sounds awful to deal with and I hope you find relief soon.

  71. j_bird +19

    I have a question for the hive mind that was prompted by Jaya’s orgasm piece.

    So I have this thing where sometimes when I think about something really sexy, to the point of starting to get aroused, I start sneezing. Wikipedia says sexually induced sneezing is a thing, but for me it only happens when I’m alone (and then only occasionally) — never when I’m with someone else. It seems to happen in response only to mental fantasies, not physical stimuli. Wikipedia is sort of vague on the mechanics, but my best guess as to why it happens is that for some reason, when I think sexy thoughts, my diaphragm starts sort of quivering and the air rushing back and forth through my nose triggers a sneeze. Just curious…does this happen to anyone else?

    1. CleverManka +10

      This doesn’t happen to me, but I find sneezes to be…well, let’s say fairly pleasurable, and the notion that sexually induced sneezing is A Thing doesn’t surprise me at all. I can see how it might kind of ruin the mood, though. At least it doesn’t happen for you in the presence of company!

      1. theoryofturtles +16

        I read in a novel many years ago that a sneeze was one-fifteenth of an orgasm, which I find delightful on every level.

        1. unleavings +19

          It’s quantified! (So, wait, if I go out in the sun 5 times in a day and do my sun-triggered triple sneeze each time, does that mean…?)

      2. j_bird +3

        Oh, that’s interesting! For me it’s fairly neutral — neither specifically pleasurable in itself, nor particularly unpleasant.

    2. InsertCoolNameHere +19

      Nothing really to add, only here to say how much I love that you submitted this for the hive mind. The Toast is seriously THE BEST.

    3. queen_of_filth +9

      I used to sleep with a dude who would sneeze minimum three times every time we had sex but that was afterwards, not during. Huh.

    4. arachnidette +8

      If I remember what I was told in an anatomy class correctly, there is some sort of erectile tissue in the nasal cavity and, for some people, this tissue also becomes aroused when they are sexually aroused and their genital erectile tissue is aroused. Some people sneeze from it.

      2. j_bird +5

        Hell yeah I have a nose-boner!!! Go home, evolution, you’re drunk.

        Still not sure why it only gets triggered by mental fantasies.

  72. aravisthequeen +8

    Oh oh! Hair removal: sugaring? I live in a ruralish area and I want to get a Brazilian, which I haven’t done in a while, and I ran across a woman who does sugaring instead of wax. I’m intrigued since it’s supposed to hurt less and be less irritating to the skin? My skin is pretty sensitive and delicate, so I want to try! Thoughts on sugar versus wax? I’ve already gone to threading my eyebrows as well!

    1. Pygmalion24 +3

      I’ve heard good things and plan to look into this too! I’m so so sick of the crazy razor burn I get from shaving, but the cost of regularly getting Brazilians or sugaring done feels prohibitive. But I have no other large, regular beauty expenses so maybe this will be mine?

      1. aravisthequeen +2

        Do salons around you do any sort of deals? They sure don’t where I live now, but when I lived in a bigger city there were a number of salons that would do “buy 6 get the 7th free” for waxing or hold “Wax Wednesday” where everything was 20% off or whatever. The only thing I could never abide was groupons because I definitely am really picky about where I go to get my hairs ripped out.

        1. Pygmalion24 +2

          Yeah I should look into that; I’d seen a deal a few weeks ago but still balked at the price. How long do you have to wait and grow out your hair before you get a wax?

          1. aravisthequeen +2

            From what I understand best results need the hair to be about a quarter of an inch. Sugaring, I gather, it can be shorter? I’d err on the side of longer since you can always trim.

    2. robotneedslove +3

      I sugar at home – I don’t think it’s any different than wax in terms of pain and irritation, TBH. The technique is the same – you are ripping your hair out by the root. The big benefit to me is that it is water soluble, so can be easily washed off – that might make it less irritating. But anyway, I like sugaring! While I don’t think it’s better than wax necessarily, I certainly don’t think it’s worse!

    3. middlemarch +2

      I just ordered an at-home hair removal laser and I’m so excited that it’s stupid. Only set me back $150 and is supposed to work great. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00HX27AM4?keywo…

    4. gentlehangovers +1

      Sugaring is great, as far as hair removal goes! Waxing made my skin break out like crazy, but sugar doesn’t.

  73. jauntycap +14

    i’m usually a lurker, but i thought i would post about my shit week because aaaaaah:

    after obsessively reading askamanager and consulting some professional books, i worked up the nerve to ask my manager for a title change after a glowing review. it didn’t go well. long story in the reply.

    1. jauntycap +11

      i’m spending the vast majority of my time (~80%) on something way outside of my job description, using expertise picked up elsewhere. my manager listed me as owning this work on the doc w/our company-wide goals for the quarter, plus she’d suggested a more formal role for me before, so i thought it was safe.

      WRONG. she responded by being super hostile in a meeting, berating me for not coming with a title and a job description (i’d prepared a title that she didn’t like, and a list of current responsibilities, but ok…). then, she said that she didn’t know if the company needed that work, but she would only have time to review it if i wrote something up… and she said that she would have to open that role up to staff-at-large.

      then yesterday, she asked me to train another colleague on the work i’ve been doing ASAP, and effective immediately, is having me divide all of my responsibilities with that colleague (she said it isn’t a “one woman job”).

      i’m feeling super frustrated and trapped, because i found this job after an extended search last year… i wish i had something else lined up, or a professional mentor. 🙁

      2. redheadedwolf +8

        WTF, that just sounds so bizarre. You didn’t even ask for a raise! I don’t know what’s going on in your company, but I hope something else falls into your lap. :/

      3. floridagal1 +34

        Dude, the fast that she’s having you train someone else and divide responsibilities with them was a HUGE red flag for me. She’s planning on firing you. Start looking for another job.

        1. jauntycap +8

          my thought was that she’s spreading my responsibilities around so that i no longer have basis for a promotion (and can return to more of my original duties), but good point.

        2. RoseCamelia +10

          This was my immediate assumption as well. Even if achemicaldefect and I are wrong, there is no downside to beginning a job hunt. Toasthugs!

      4. citystillbreath +1

        (This is a really late reply, sorry!) It sounds like your boss felt threatened by you. Like, you were pointing out responsibilities that you implied somehow weren’t being covered by her managerial skills. She could be trying to cover her own butt by making sure that if you’re ever out sick or on vacation, there’s someone else who can complete your work. I agree with the chorus, though, start looking for something new. It’s always easier to find a job when you already have a job, if that makes you feel better!

  74. sourwatermelons +70

    One of my coworkers from another department gave me a massive spreadsheet last week and asked me to check the status of the projects on the spreadsheet, so I’ve been hunting around in old disorganized folders all morning. And just now I opened one up and all it had was a word doc from 2008 called No Budget which contained only the sentence “There is no budget.” Soooo that’s how my week is going.

    Also thanks to everybody who had nice things to say last week about Evil Grandma. The meeting went…ok. At the beginning she was kind of spoiling for a fight and said some weird and hurtful things but I basically said “I’m not arguing about this with you because we’re never going to agree” and we ended up having a very nice conversation that ended with a promise to keep in touch and a hug, so I somehow managed to say whatever the right things were, I guess. And then I met up with my mom and went to a bar and had Much Wine, so all was ok.

    1. walrathem +7

      I love hunting around in the old files! I find the weirdest stuff. It’s so much fun to open something up and imagine just what craziness was going on that ended up with that file being created and kept.

      And I’m so glad your meeting with your grandmother went well. That was a really brave and kind thing of you to do.

      1. sourwatermelons +5

        Thank you <3
        It’s somehow less fun in electronic files! I did a summer internship at my state archives and that included finding some weird stuff, but a bunch of electronic stuff that can’t be opened anymore is just annoying me.

        1. walrathem +2

          That internship sounds like so much fun, although I bet your sinuses were fried by the end.

          and ITA about the file format stuff- some of the things I need are currently on a) microfiche or b) g-damn floppies. The floppy kind of floppies no less. Straight up paper would be way better.

    2. viviennestreet +43

      And just now I opened one up and all it had was a word doc from 2008 called No Budget which contained only the sentence “There is no budget.” Soooo that’s how my week is going.

      For some reason that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all day. Not only was there no budget–someone made a word document to record the fact!

      I’m wishing you all the luck on this terrible assignment.

      1. viviennestreet +16

        My group keeps their files pretty organized (we are mathy people), but one of our former accountants was not very technologically savvy. Or organized. He kept his stuff in a folder called “Dave’s Files,” (he’s Dave), and looking through there recently I found a file called INFEST.DOC. It’s short for INForce ESTimate. Yeah.

      2. sourwatermelons +4

        Thank you, I’m getting a little salty about it because I suspect as I go through the list that once I establish that the project has ended or we don’t have anything or whatever she’ll want me to do something about it, and I have other shit to do!! Leave me alone!!

      4. ellehmariat +27

        This reminds me of the presentation I found in my research group archives of a former student. The last slide was titled “Pressing Questions”, with a single bullet point
        “Future?”

        It really summed up how I was feeling at the time.

    3. CleverManka +21

      I opened one up and all it had was a word doc from 2008 called No Budget which contained only the sentence “There is no budget.”

      I love this.

    4. megalesias +24

      Oh man, there’s a word doc in the “Instructions for [my specific job]” folder at work that’s titled “WHAT IS THIS AND WHY WAS IT IN THE UTILITY FOLDER” and the contents of said document are a quote from UK Vogue about some local rock band writing a song about Hedi Slimane. It’s from 2005. I’ve never asked anyone about it.

  75. mkpatter +9

    Hey Toasties!
    I am currently running a fundraiser to help me get to Game Developer Conference this year. I write about games (and occasionally write my own very weird narrative games) and have for a few years, but this isn’t something that really pays. I was lucky enough to get a free pass through an organization I’ve been a member of, but it doesn’t cover any other costs. This is a pretty big opportunity for me because I haven’t really been to any gaming events outside of my home city because I simply can’t afford it.
    Any help, signal, boosting, etc would be greatly appreciated!
    Link here!

    1. theoryofturtles +1

      Best of luck! GDC is a great networking opportunity, and I hope you can go and have the awesomest time! (Also: yummy SF food.)

      I’ve been a couple of times, so if I can offer any Toastie advice, please just let me know. 🙂

        1. theoryofturtles +1

          Assuming you meet your financial goal to attend (yay):

          * Book lodging ASAP. It goes fast! I’ve only ever attended on the corporate dime, or I’d recommend specific hotels for anyone’s budget. Sorry. 🙁
          * Go to the official site and use the schedule planner to block out your day(s). Start with your must-sees, then the nice-to-sees, then the optionals. Double-book yourself if you want; you may decide on the spur of the moment to change your mind! Download the GDC app on your phone, and when you log in with the same credentials, it’ll have your schedule right there. Super-handy!
          * Recommended: I would attend at least one session a day that had absolutely nothing to do with my discipline, just to see something new and cool. Game development is so complicated, you’ll likely never learn every little part of it, but stepping outside what you know is a good break and pretty interesting.
          * You mention making your own narrative games, so you might want to attend the Game Narrative Summit if your pass covers it. It’s two days of exactly what it says on the tin, and in addition to the sessions, you can meet and chat with prominent game writers, narrative designers, and other story folks. If your pass covers the main conference, I also recommend the game writing round tables (if they’re accepted): three days of writing talk in a big friendly circle, from Day 1’s aspiring writers to Day 3’s world-weary veterans, discussing whatever comes up from the group or the moderator.
          * Pick up your badge the afternoon before to avoid the first-day crush. You can also use this time to walk around Moscone Center and orient yourself to the various expo halls (North, South, West, etc.).
          * Bring a charger! My phone absolutely chewed through its battery because of the (frequently terrible) wifi, but I could always find a wall plug to top it off. That’s also a nice excuse to take a breather and have some quiet time if you need it.
          * The Q&A room where speakers go after their talks is a great place to chill out, either for quiet time between sessions or for drifting between the clumps of Q&Aing when multiple speakers pile up.
          * I’m not a big party person, but visiting them just for a little bit is a good way to network and/or score free food/drinks without stressing yourself too much. There’s a Facebook group for GDC parties that anyone can join, and every year, they do a good job of posting where all the hot spots are/will be.
          * The Noodles & Co. across the street from Moscone West is hella friendly and fast.

  76. Hey_Cinderella +66

    While working in my home office a few minutes ago I noticed somebody walking toward my door with the intent of knocking and (because I knew they hadn’t seen me) I ran and I hid in my room until the dogs stopped barking and I was certain they were gone because I was in my pjs, my hair was wet, and I just Could Not. This is totally normal behavior, right?

    1. CleverManka +43

      While perhaps not normal (more’s the pity), it’s certainly appropriate behavior. Not answering the door should be a lot more acceptable than it is. God knows I’ve done it. Sometimes they can even see me through the front window and IDGAF.

      1. Hey_Cinderella +25

        Then I am glad to know I’m in good company! I am usually good about answering the door but sometimes I just can’t do it–especially when I feel gross and unfit for society.

        On a related note, a friend of mine once hid from some Mormon missionaries because she had just finished doing some intense gardening and also didn’t want to talk theology with a couple of 18 year olds in suits and they actually opened the door and came into the house to find her. So now I am always unjustifiably terrified that this will happen to me, even though I have two very barky dogs.

          1. Hey_Cinderella +24

            I KNOW. She ended up being late to some group plans because of it and when she was explaining to us all why she was late it was like she was telling us a horror story around a campfire. We were all horrified when she was telling us, “I hid in my kitchen and then I heard them open the door and come inside.” Nope.

        3. betsymurgatroyd +25

          DUDE. That is B&E and I would have grabbed the shotgun and threatened to call the cops, because wtf.

        4. RoseCamelia +14

          My barking dog would have immediately shifted to Biting Dog once those fools entered my home. My priority at that point would have been yelling at the dog to let go so the dog does not get kicked. Then I’d keep that snarling little dog in my arms while pushing those stupid young people out of my house. If necessary, I would spell out what would happen if they did not leave quickly enough. Do they really want me to release this dog?

          Then I’d call 911. There’s a bleeding idiot outside my door.

    2. SmrtCookie +15

      Yup, totally normal. There have been so many people canvassing my neighborhood lately that I don’t even hide anymore. I’m sitting on the couch and you can see me from the front door? Too bad, not talking to you.

      1. m98widow +9

        Same. I know you can see me through the windows, but I have zero interest in discussing this issue of Watchtower that you have so kindly brought me at 9 AM on a weekend.

        1. coloredlights +5

          So true. I live basically across the street from a Jehovah’s Witness…temple? Church? Thing? I have learned that any doorbell before noon on a weekend is not something I want to answer.

        2. Nashirakins +6

          I’ve threatened to answer the door naked when missionaries have come, since I usually am. Don’t knock on my door! 10am on Saturday is for sleeping.

        1. SmrtCookie +1

          Nope! I didn’t actually talk to anyone and they weren’t wearing any ID but if I had to guess I’d bet they wanted me to sign a petition against the deer cull that’s currently causing a ruckus in my town. #midwestproblems

      3. HelloChel +3

        I do that. I used to call out ‘no thank you’ but the last couple of times I didn’t even look up from my book. They may have thought I was deaf since I have two loud dogs who do not approve of strangers on the porch and wasn’t acknowledging the barking either. They haven’t been by for a while…

    4. Mrs_Peel +9

      My general feeling is: there is NO ONE showing up unsolicited to my door whom I would actually want to talk to.

  77. TheRenleigh +8

    I am super grumpy about house hunting right now. I made an offer two weeks ago on the perfect house and they went with another offer that was very similar but a teensy bit better, which is deeply frustrating. Plus all of a sudden the market is really hot and people are making offers like crazy and it sucks because I’m partially regretting not buying a house a year ago when things were better for buyers (though I really needed this last year to save up more for my down payment). I just saw a house over lunch that was good. Not fantastic, but good. And I need to make a decision right away about whether to make an offer, but I have nobody to talk it over with since I’ve looked at so many goddamn houses that it’s hard to get a friend or family member to want to come see it. Ugh houses why.

    1. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

      We just had that happen with a house, the tiny bit better offer. Many Toast hugs to you, fellow house hunter.

      1. TheRenleigh +1

        Thank you. It makes me feel better to know there are other people out there in the same situation–everyone I talk to regularly is either already in a house they love or not looking to buy, and it makes me feel like a perpetual musical chairs loser.

        1. Bryn (Plus Others) +1

          I understand that feeling. I hope you do some good self-care when you get the chance! It is a crazy house-buying market right now.

    2. leslieellenjones +4

      If you’re in a market where you have to make quick decisions, go with your gut response to the place. Insist on a home inspection and back out if it turns up awfulness. But if your gut feeling about a place is positive, you’ll feel good about any fixes, even if they’re annoying, and if you feel meh about a place but buy it because it seems fine on paper, you’ll v resent every thing you have to spend more money on to get it up to snuff.

      1. Ordinarily +3

        Seconding this!

        People also told me that if you don’t get a house you love, it’s not the only house out there for you (much like significant others tbh).

        Good luck with your search!

      2. TheRenleigh +2

        I’m for sure going to get an inspection; my realtor is very keen on them, which is part of why I like her.

        That gut advice is good! My feeling toward the house I just saw can definitely be described as meh–it’s definitely got some good points, but overall I don’t LOVE it, and I can definitely see how I would go on to resent fixing the dumb kitchen.

  78. Mrs_Olinski +40

    Hi all! Just wanted to say that I went to an all-women intro boxing class on Wednesday and it was the BEST. I am not a person who exercises regularly and I have never boxed or done any kind of martial arts before but this was really fun and I am definitely going to buy a class pass. Best thing is that the studio is owned by this kick-ass french lady who also owns a coffee shop and both of them are a block away from my apartment, so I will actually go! and meet more people in the neighborhood which is always fun.

  79. robindavisdesign +11

    O Wise Toasts, what is the procedure for figuring out who gives toasts at your wedding? Do you ask people ahead of time or do people volunteer or what?

    (I am planning a wedding but neither my parents or my fiance’s parents had a wedding, and both of us are the first couple among our friends to get married so… we don’t have a lot of people to ask.)

    1. robindavisdesign +36

      Oh wow I made a post about Toasts on The Toast and addressed to Toasts but didn’t realize it until I submitted it, good job me.

    2. GoatseFanfic +11

      Usually people volunteer and there’s a few (immediate family, best man) who are sorta expected to do it but I’m thinking Thunderdome

      1. robindavisdesign +6

        We’ve got very few family members attending and mostly friends so Thunderdrome sounds PERFECT and if anyone has an issue with that I’ll tell them someone on the internet suggested it so it must be proper etiquette.

      2. jimmyjimjimjim +3

        Yeah Best Man and I think Father Of The Bride are the traditional ones but if you even want to have a toast you can probably just ask for volunteers, or have an open mic.

    3. cait0716 +9

      Do what you want? Not helpful, I know.

      We assumed that our best man and doctor of honor would give toasts. They ended up giving a joint toast. We asked our parents if they wanted to do toasts. One said no and the other two requested to do it at the Rehearsal Dinner when there’d be a smaller audience. That kicked off a spate of toasts at the Rehearsal Dinner as the mic got passed around and the only toasts at the wedding ended up being the best man and doctor of honor.

      Then our other friends put together an impromptu rap that they performed at the after party.

      1. robindavisdesign +5

        Oh awesome, so there’s nothing weird about asking someone specifically to give a toast? That was what I was worried about… I’ve got very few people going who would traditionally give a toast (parents, for example) so I wasn’t sure how to orchestrate the situation. Thank you! Also the rap sounds GREAT!

        1. cait0716 +4

          Nothing at all weird.

          Once we attended a wedding, and due to work/travel snafus the bride and groom weren’t entirely sure that their best man would make it to the wedding. So they asked my husband to prepare a toast, just in case. He didn’t end up giving it. It all seemed perfectly normal.

          In general, the people attending your wedding (a) love you a lot and (b) understand that it’s stressful. I found there was actually a lot of leeway in what was expected and accepted and everything.

        2. deleted3333252 +2

          Nothing weird at all! We just asked who we wanted to give a toast for us, which ended up being my mom, my husband’s dad (we asked his mom intending for them to maybe speak together but she didn’t want to), my only attendant (a close friend), and my husband’s brother and sister together (he was my husband’s attendant, but sis in law didn’t have a formal role otherwise). My dad, who officiated, also grabbed the mic at the end and said something, which was surprising by fine. 🙂

          It truly never occurred to me until you asked this question that this wouldn’t be an OK way to approach it. You gotta do what works for you. We definitely didn’t do anything “traditional” based on What’s Done. It worked out beautifully. Congrats and have fun! (This is the most important thing. Do What You Want and Have Fun).

        3. saffiedarling +1

          Not at all! I was bridesmaid at a wedding last year my friend asked me ahead of time if I’d like to say a couple of words. The bride’s family and the groom’s family gave a speech each, and then the rest were from friends they’d asked to speak ahead of time. Pretty normal as far as I know.

    4. PomoFrannyGlass +2

      You should talk to people ahead of time, and anyone who wants to give you a toast should talk to you ahead of time, too. Typically it’s family members and close friends.

    5. anthemyst +3

      I don’t think I asked anybody or did anything in advance for toasts at my wedding, and we wound up with toasts from the maid of honor, best man, father of the bride and mother of the groom.

      My sister told me like three years before she was even engaged that she wanted me to give a toast at her future wedding (because I am hilarious, I assume). I took her up on it, but didn’t mention it until the rehearsal the day before, and she’d completely forgotten asking. But it was all good!

      In general, I think the best mans/maid of honors will each assume they are expected to give a speech, and everybody else understands that it is somewhat optional. If you are dying to have specifically someone else give a toast, by all means ask, but otherwise just kind of let people do their thing? I promise nobody at your reception will be like, “Grr, why weren’t the toasts longer and/or more numerous?” There is on the other hand the possibility of too many people giving toasts, my husband was stuck in a reception once where the toasts went on for over an hour and everyone was hungry and miserable, but probably that won’t happen?

      1. robindavisdesign +3

        Oh gosh I sure hope that doesn’t happen. My wedding is going to be 85% musicians and artists, so I’m more concerned that people are just going to play songs into the mic for a ridiculous amount of time and everyone will also be hungry and miserable. I’ll have to figure out how to plan around that.

        Thanks!

        1. GoatseFanfic +4

          concealed footpedal to cut the amp/turn up the feedback when someone goes into their 30-minute rock-opera acoustic solo rendition of Wonderwall that they wrote just for yooooou

          seems a lot simpler and more polite than the only equivalent for the unamplified eternal toastmakers, the fork to the thigh

        2. deleted3333252 +1

          We specifically asked our toasters to try to be brief (1-2 minutes I think we said?), and it was super fine! Everyone understood and I think has been to weddings where they go on and on, so it worked well to just say hey thanks for doing this! We’re thinking just a min or 2 since we have a few toasts and want to keep the afternoon flowing, or whatever.

      2. GoatseFanfic +5

        ugh yeah my family has never lacked for a That Guy to filibuster the party with toasts, or several competing with each other, so the idea of needing to solicit them is pretty foreign

    6. coloredlights +2

      I’d suggest asking a few people ahead of time, just so you don’t have a random mic available and then no one uses it (why yes that happened at my wedding, why do you ask).

      If your family/friends are the type to enjoy public speaking, you might also make an announcement at the reception (after the planned toasts?) that anyone else who wants to speak is welcome to the mic.

      1. robindavisdesign +1

        Oh no, I’m so sorry that happened to you! I hadn’t even considered a mic because we’ve got a really small group (less than 30 guests) but maybe I should look into that just in case, hmm. Thanks!

        1. coloredlights +1

          Oh it was fine, no one noticed. I was a little meh about it at the time, but honestly who wants to listen to toasts when there is dancing to be done?

          1. robindavisdesign +5

            Me, actually! I love toasts and I hate dancing. (Perhaps I haven’t been to a wedding with bad toasts? Or I’ve always liked them because I dreaded the dancing after?) We’re having an outdoor wedding so we’re doing a badminton net and lawn games instead of dancing because I just can’t.

    7. Ethylbenzene +1

      We asked people who were special to us to give toasts, and wound up with one each from the honor attendants, one from my cousin, and one from some old friends of ours (married couple), plus I asked my godmother to give a blessing before the meal, which was kinda like a toast. We figured asking ahead of time allows people time to think of what to say, and our toasts were really meaningful, funny, and loving so I think it worked well for us!

    8. lemonadefish +1

      weddings I have attended with toasts have been one from the best man, one from the maid of honor, and that’s it. I’ve never seen it open-mic style, but I guess that could be fun in the right group! Certainly tell anyone you want to toast you ahead of time, most people will like to prepare their toasts.

    9. houblonchouffe +3

      We had a very unconventional wedding, so there’s the caveat, but… we kind of made our whole wedding into toasts, and we gave them all.

      We had five stops, and each one got a toast to a different point in our relationship: when we met, when we made the decision to stay together, when we bought our home, when we decided to get married, and that day, getting married. It worked for us. YMMV.

    10. RocktheDebit +7

      As long as you make sure that whoever you ask isn’t secretly in love with you or your betrothed, you’ll probably be okay. YMMV whether or not “stops halfway through the toast to solve a murder” is acceptable.

    11. bower_bird +1

      I think asking ahead of time is a great idea or at least telling people that they’re welcome to if they feel moved. I was a bridesmaid at a wedding where the groom had several friends and family members give long, prepared toasts about him. But no one from the bride’s side got up. I had assumed that I was off the hook because she didn’t say anything about it ahead of time. If I’d known it was a toasting free-for-all I would have had something in my back pocket (not literally, because my horrifying bridesmaid dress had no pockets) just in case because her family is notoriously flakey.

  80. GoatseFanfic +7

    DC-area folks who’re looking for something to do over the weekend: there’s gonna be an awesome art show on Saturday (that I might be involved in) y’all go check it out.

    Anything else with good arts/music going on the next couple weeks worth looking out for?

  82. Daniel_Loo +39

    Last night I had a dream that Nicole and Mallory were vacationing in a house next door to me, and when I saw Mallory I freaked out and yelled with joy, and then we all hugged and I showed them my tattoo and then we just hung out for a while. It was a pretty great dream.

  83. MzMorg +16

    Big layoffs this week at my multinational corporation, supposedly about 10% overall, but much higher than that in my location, including me. I got hit for the second time, as I was laid off from a different division two years ago. Everyone’s confused and reeling a bit, especially the “survivors”, who have no game plan for how to keep going with a number of players missing.

    Personally, I’m oscillating between relief, since my job was never really satisfying, and severe dread at having to dive back into the shark tank of job hunting, especially as an 50+ woman in a dying industry. I’d freelance if I could, but still have kids to help through college, and not a lot of savings toward retirement.

    How much has this year sucked so far?

    3. aqueousmedium +4

      I’m so sorry, and I hope you find something (bonus for something satisfying) soon. Unwanted unemployment sucks.

    4. Social +2

      Wow, that’s horrible. Hope you land another position soon, and that it pays you enough to feel secure.

      1. MyEvilTwin +3

        Agreed. One of the areas where a kindle beats an ipad, IMO. The ziploc protects the device, and you can still turn the pages.

    2. aurorabirdialis +5

      I just keep a towel beside the tub so I can set it on something dry while actually doing bath things. But I’ve been reading in the tub for years. I’ve got it down to an art.

    3. floridagal1 +4

      Keep the ereader hand completely dry, and hold it so that if you drop it, it’ll fall on the floor instead of into the bath. That’s what I do with my nook. Also, I put a hand towel down on the floor as a cushion in case I drop it.

    5. roisindubh211 +3

      They make really good ziploc kindle protectors, with about three levels of zip on them like this one: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Waterproof-Amazon-Kindle-…

      My mom swears she’s dropped hers in the water with no problems.

  85. deleted7541601 +12

    Some one stole my lunch out of the office fridge (this is the third time) so I ate a greasy burger for lunch, and now I’m nauseous.

    1. firstmute +14

      This makes me so mad on your behalf.

      Around Christmas time, I put some cookies in a Pyrex container and sent it into my husband’s work. The Pyrex disappeared. At first we figured it was probably an accident, so he sent out an email and posted a sign. Weeks later, we’ve accepted that someone must have deliberately stolen it.

      WHY ARE PEOPLE SUCH ANIMALS.

    2. Angelan_ +17

      SOMEONE STOLE YOUR LUNCH??? How?? Could???
      I’m so appalled I can’t even say! There’s no way they don’t know! It can’t be an accident! It’s so rude and so brazen! D:

    4. sausagedog +22

      Totally rude. Sometimes a really good packed lunch is the only thing a day has going for it. Hope the burger-related grossness feels better soon and that the thief has a change of heart and never steals your lunch again. Maybe start talking loudly about how you “don’t believe in cross-contamination or hand-washing” and how “salmonella is just a test of your manliness” so they have incentive to stop taking random lunches?

      I left my wallet at home today and only realized while I was checking out at the work cafeteria so that was fun. Lunch lady let me go, but now I gotta come back Monday and remind her of my indiscretion to pay….

    6. poppy +17

      Someone called the police at my job earlier this week because their lunch was stolen. The police were like, “What?” but I can totally understand.

      1. walrathem +5

        Bless. I wish the police had someone having the kind of day where they would actually show up and take the report and so put the fear of god into the thief.

    7. betsymurgatroyd +9

      I’m so angry for you.
      I totally bought a tool bag with double zippers and a lock because I’m done with people who either steal my food and beverages or throw away my signed and dated condiments before their time.

      It might be time to put decoy food up with something that will sully it (hot pepper sauce? Laxatives?) and ruin the day of the person who ate it.

      1. alder_tree +3

        I have heard of multiple people doing this when someone wouldn’t stop stealing their lunch–lacing it with laxatives.

    9. Chel +3

      When I was working at a giant call center, oh 15 years ago, I was very diligent about bringing lunch. Mostly because I was broke. One long weekend someone stole the soda out of my lunch bag. By tearing open the side of the plastic grocery bag I brought and leaving it sitting there with a gaping hole and the food still there. All three days, even though I moved my lunch to a different fridge.

      I suppose I should have been grateful they left the food but the soda was a special treat since it was on sale and I had been looking forward to it.

    11. citystillbreath +1

      Tip to prevent lunch-stealing: leave a post-it on your lunch warning that it contains necessary medication.

    1. Pygmalion24 +9

      Wasn’t it amazing! I challenge any woman to walk out of that theatre claiming she’s 100% straight. The sparks between Rooney and Cate were just epic.

      1. iwouldwalk500giles +12

        As a queer woman who was in an audience of almost entirely queer women, I actually feel gayer than I did before seeing Carol

      2. iwouldwalk500giles +6

        There are no words for how much I loved their relationship. So much of them- and the movie itself- builds off of that kind of silence and inbetween space and it was all so loving and tense -even though i knew it had a happy ending- I knew I liked Todd Haynes from Velvet Goldmine and Cate Blanchett could act, but Goddamn.

    2. InsertCoolNameHere +5

      My husband and I both said that we would do whatever Cate Blanchett told us to do no questions asked.

      1. iwouldwalk500giles +3

        Oh, yes. I’ve read everything Autostraddle has on Carol, but it’s well worth a reread, thank you.

      2. j_bird +4

        I’ve seen Carol multiple times, and without fail, men in the theater spend a good portion of the film laughing uneasily; and several times, I’ve watched men stand up and leave in the middle of the show.

        To misquote Margaret Atwood, men walk out of the theater because male characters are getting laughed at; women walk out of the theater because female characters are getting killed. 🙁

    6. viviennestreet +10

      I can’t stop thinking about that scene where Carol’s husband showed up at Abby’s door and insisted he be allowed to see Carol.

      Abby: She isn’t here
      Harge: But I love her
      Abby: I can’t help you with that

      BOOM

      1. iwouldwalk500giles +4

        THAT SCENE WAS SO GOOD AND VALIDATING.

        I have never wanted to yell at Coach Taylor as much in my LIFE as much as I did when watching this movie! “Now YOU listen to ME…” the scene at the end where Carol walks out of negotiations and tells him what’s what is amazing too.

    7. rolotomassi5 +2

      Most devastating moment for me? When I realized that the tea that jackass at the beginning interrupts was their first meeting after months and months apart. The anguish on Rooney’s face.

      “Flung out of space.” Goddamn what a perfect movie.

  87. Nashirakins +22

    I am so excite but also nervous. I’m getting my hair cut by somebody new tomorrow and I’m really hoping to avoid being treated like a woman during – my last stylist kept styling me like I was a girl and did not take hints and nope. The goal is to look confusingly androgynous, darnit.

    I’m also debating asking my family and my partner’s family to please start calling me Nash, instead of my pretty female legal first name. I can tolerate legal name at work, but I am out of fucks to give when it comes to being closeted about my lack of gender in RL. The only problem is that while my dad would be cool, my mom will freak out and my in-laws would probably stop talking to me. But I still want to do this thing? My mother-in-law genders the shit out of me on the regular and I loathe it, and I’m tired of dancing around her feelings and attempts to feminize me honestly. It’s easier with my mom since she gave up hopes of having a feminine daughter years and years ago.

    …plus my sister-in-law is getting married soon, and I want to make it clear that I will not do female gendered wedding things and they should not ask me to, without being a jerk about it. Being more openly masculine seems like it might help, without me being The Awful Ruiner of Everything, since maybe they won’t even ask because who wants a shorthaired butchy person in the wedding photos ugh?

    1. Theo_Winterwood +13

      I have learned that it’s often difficult to convince stylists that nope, don’t worry, confusingly androgynous is my end goal, I promise.

      I think my favorite is still the time I once took a photo of early 2000s David Bowie to the stylist and told her that’s what I wanted, and she looked at the photo of a man in a suit and looked at me and somehow the only way she could make this gel in her brain was to decide it was definitely a photo of a woman I just handed her.

      FWIW, I think Nash is a great name.

      (My legal name is also about as female as you can get, but I also realized about a month ago that I’m not sure I actually like the name Theo as much as I thought either. So. Oh well.)

      1. Nashirakins +6

        To be honest, I wish that culturally everyone was more accepting of changing your name to reflect who you are. I mean, we change as people and word labels don’t quite fit the same necessarily, right? So we should be able to choose new use names so that our word(s) for ourselves fit us as well as possible.

    2. RoseCamelia +4

      Best wishes for a very cool haircut. It will be very cool, because you are very cool.

      I’m sorry your family is not supportive. They will give you insensitive requests and comments. But those are predictable. You can plan your responses to them. Which is the only part of the equation you can alter. It sucks that you have to be prepared for insensitivities. I’m sorry.

      1. Nashirakins +6

        Thanks – I’m honestly prepared for the insensitivity. My dad is the only parent involved who is cool with me being queer, so I expect badness from my mom and my in-laws. I’ve already handled a bunch, when they’ve made comments about queer people or trans folks. I’m just too tired to keep handling their feelings for them. 😛

        1. RoseCamelia +5

          “handling their feelings for them”

          A+ awareness you have there. Do take care of yourself first. Let them wallow in their ignorance without you.

    3. Crivens +2

      I think that if the people getting married care about the short haired butchy person and consider them a part of the family, they will be welcome in the photos. Hair, cloths and gender conformity shouldn’t matter to people who love you. Brush everyone else off like pesky dandruff. (two cents from internet stranger)

  88. Angelan_ +9

    So who all has a tumblr I can follow? (i’m @ ionswitch, in case you like shoddy art practice and TEN MILLION pictures of horses, snow and horses in the snow.)

    1. robindavisdesign +3

      I post and reblog art and comics at @bindavis and reblog all sorts of other garbage (read: xfiles gifs and mass effect gifs) at @tumbletownjunction

      Edited because I can’t spell my own tumblr handle.

    3. GreenGrasses +3

      OMG YES HORSES ALL THE TIME ALWAYS. I am antiquelands and I hope we have a happy and horsey friendship on tumblr forever.

    4. irreverantontheinternet +4

      I am @pajamafish and anyone is welcome to follow me but my content is almost exclusively reblogs- usually of guinea pigs but I don’t really have an “aesthetic”

    5. CleverManka +2

      I’m CleverManka over there, too. Pretty random fandom stuff, but I put up a themed collection (almost) every Tuesday and next week’s collection is All Oscar Isaac All The Time. I actually had too many pictures of him for one collection (over sixty) so I’m spacing next week’s collection over two days.

        1. CleverManka +3

          And bonus Wednesday this time!

          ETA: UGH I love/hate these tumblr roll calls on OT because I already can’t find the end of my dash and I’m trying to maintain a one-in-one-out policy of people I follow and ngngngngngngngnnggnngn SO MANY GREAT TUMBLRS Y’ALL

    7. elsajeni +2

      HELLO I am @elsajeni and if you like
      1. Star Wars
      2. extremely dumb jokes
      3. a fair amount of chitchat about fanfic
      4. possums
      you will perhaps enjoy my tumblr!

        1. elsajeni +2

          I saw it! I even made a post directing people your way, because I have cultivated a little group of possum-lovers on my dash and I wanted to make sure they had seen ALL THE POSSUM. 😀

          1. CleverManka +1

            Aw, thank you! I’m following you now, thank you very much for helping me break my one-in-one-out rule. =D

    9. laurenipsum +7

      I am revealmyselfinvincible and I have no coherent tumblr strategy, I just post a bunch of dumb shit I like

    10. Theo_Winterwood +1

      I’m theo-winterwood and my Tumblr is mostly:

      – Random fashion photography
      – Writing related things
      – Art I like
      – Things that remind me of ghost stories (but are not necessarily actually scary–photos of old houses, generally atmospheric photoshoots, stuff like that)
      – Um, a lot of random things, I am not consistent in my interests

    11. ballisticjaguar +1

      Like hannahfish my tumblr is mostly reblogs, but if you want to follow I’m @procrastinatingplatypus

    12. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

      I am brynplusplus but I have not reblogged anything in forever, I am very into the Instagram right now.

    14. viviennestreet +1

      I’m neuroticchihuahua on tumblr, too. It’s a lot of random reblogs (stuff I vaguely think I might want to find again someday but probably won’t because my tagging game is nonexistent) and posts about whatever my current obsession is (right now it’s Leverage). What I’m saying is, this is not a carefully curated tumblr.

    15. annecara +1

      I’m golden-d.tumblr.com, and I’m pretty much all reblogs of fandom/fashion/ballet, and I’m following all of you.

    16. daisicles +2

      I’m jessenigma on tumblr. It’s… a whole lot of Star Wars right now, but not usually!

    17. janekathy1 +1

      Hamilton got me onto tumblr. My main blog is howdoyouwritenonnnstop, and I have a sideblog called a-generous-side-of-hamiltrash. The sideblog is mostly visual, strictly fun stuff verging on silly or general fanart, just throwing stuff on there from my dash that doesn’t belong on the main blog. The main blog is pretty curated, more text heavy and a little more serious, and contains whatever textual analysis I get to doing or come across, posts about the staging of the show, some history, as well as some memes, gif sets and fanart. Bits from interviews. Things like that.

      I also have a sideblog for just enjoyable Lin-Manuel Miranda things called purelintrash, because that content started taking over my main blog. I have recently been spending more time on that one.

      1. alder_tree +1

        I keep forgetting that you are on tumblr, and I know I reblog you all the dang time!

        (Anyway I’m aprillikesthings but my tumblr is a mess)

        1. janekathy1 +1

          Hi! I remember you! I’m sorry I can’t follow more people, I have my hands so full being the trash of the thing. I haven’t been around here much since I got going over there because I just kinda got swallowed up. Blogging there has been a fun new thing (well, leading to several new things) to learn. Also coincided with an invalid period for me (physical health-wise) so it’s been nice to be able to throw myself at it and see what happens, both since I have the time and since I haven’t been able to do a lot else. I love seeing here all the different ways people use tumblr.

          1. alder_tree +1

            Nonono I wasn’t expecting you to follow me back–Hamilton is a LOT of my tumblr but hardly all of it, and you don’t know me. Plus I go through periods of “reblog ALL THE THINGS” which probably annoys people.

          2. janekathy1 +1

            No worries 😀 I just feel bad sometimes talking about myself and stuff but it’s okay. You’re super nice and I hope you keep enjoying your tumblr to the utmost of your heart’s content

  89. haunting_of +44

    I like Bernie and all but the thinly veiled racism of some of his supporters is really getting to me. I’ve seen so many comments along the lines of ‘minority voters just haven’t EDUCATED themselves’ recently. That combined with the dismissive ‘nothing is about race it’s all about class!!’ stuff is just, ugh. Not that some of Hillary’s supporters aren’t blatant racists either (see: 2008 campaign) but jfc. The response to TNC’s recent articles about it were so gross.

    1. redheadedwolf +18

      Oh man, the responses to TNC were the wooooorst (and, though I’m not a Bernie supporter, I refuse to believe they’re generally representative). My favorite was “by criticizing Bernie, you’re supporting Hillary, which is the same thing as rooting for white supremacy.” I love how he reblogged so many without comment. Makes quite a case on their own.

      1. haunting_of +9

        I LOVED his choice to just RT those comments and let them stand for themselves. So many people refused to engage with his actual point instead of pointing fingers at him claiming he’s a paid-off Hillary shill (which…. whut).

  90. allanaaa +15

    I have finished Order of the Phoenix and it was not as sad-making as I thought it would be. Weird! I think the descriptions of grief (e.g. Harry thinking that it was absurd that other, complete-stranger people could be happy and not grieving, because he was) were really on-point. But also I felt like the book casts Sirius and Harry both in such a different light (from the movies, which is my only point of reference), that their whole relationship was so seriously different. Harry was *such* a dick for most of it.
    I don’t know what the PC way to say it is, I just felt like my sympathies were all over the place, and not necessarily in the “people dying is really sad” spot.

    1. ballisticjaguar +16

      Fifth book Harry is a pretty contentious character. By which I mean, a lot of people find him insufferable (which is understandable!) but I feel his emotional turmoil is earned (also, how do NONE of the adults in his life think to maybe like, have a sit down with him and discuss the shit he’s been through???). From what I remember, he improves a lot in books six and seven.

      Edit: Just want to make it clear that, despite feeling his self-implosion in this book is earned, I do not excuse his dickish behavior. Understandable is probably a better word to use here than ‘earned.’

      1. allanaaa +4

        Yeah, I know exactly the “why won’t anyone tell me anything” feeling, and I know that part of writing Sirius as kinda petulant and immature was to mirror that somewhat. And I remember being a cunty teen just because teen-ness.

        I think the moment I was angriest was when Harry realized he’d never even opened the package Sirius gave him. That’s when I felt like petulant teen-ism had gone too far.

    2. paddlepickle +11

      I hear that– my overall feeling from Order of the Phoenix is more grim and anxiety-inducing, rather than heartbreaking like the 6th book. Harry is totally a little jerk for the whole thing– although, I was a little jerk when I was 15 without any of the burdens that he’s dealing with, so overall I think his character is really well done in that book.

    3. PierrePoutine +13

      I prefer the book to the film because I think it really captures the way that children put in adult situations are dicks because they lack the coping mechanisms required to negotiate those situations.

    4. Es_Petal +4

      I’ve been listening to the audiobooks lately since they just came on audible, and I am halfway through 5 and have had to stop as Harry is driving me bananas! It is a beautifully done depiction of Angst and I totally see why he’s being such a titarse, but god it is annoying to listen to, even in Stephen Fry’s mellifluous tones.
      That is one of the difficulties about audiobooks, you can’t skim anything!

      1. allanaaa +2

        oh lordy! The only thing I want to skip in the books are the sections where someone’s accent is written out, i.e. Hagrid. Not his fault, but I can’t stand reading it. Listening would be fine, though! I wonder what I’d want to skip in audiobooks ….

        1. Es_Petal +1

          I just sort of ‘look at’ the bits where Harry is being irritating, glance at a paragraph at a time and just start reading properly when the plot kicks back in. I just had to stop Order of the Phoenix listening though, I’ve started again with Half-Blood Prince yesterday.

          I generally find anything emotional or traumatic very hard to listen to because you can’t skim over any of it, all the details are right there in your face. I had to pull over into service stations a few times while listening to the Once and Future King.

  91. HelloChel +2

    Just when I think I have all the dog/vet stuff sorted it goes nuts. Response has 500 words on tumors, money and guilty feelings.

    1. HelloChel +3

      Both dogs went to their follow-up appointments for their ear infections and had clean bills of health.

      The new vet’s estimate for Thor’s lump removal was similar to the old vet but some we both felt more comfortable with her and she was better about explaining things we went ahead and schedule blood work and the surgery for early March (I’m going to be out of town the second half of February and didn’t want my parents to have to deal with taking him in and they didn’t have any dates before I left).

      This week his foot lump very suddenly got bigger. This wasn’t the lump we were worried about. I got him into the vet first thing Wednesday morning and now he has a cone, a bottle of antibiotics, and a tube of ointment. Plus a referral to a specialty surgeon since the vet doesn’t think she can do the foot surgery now. I’m glad she admitted that it is beyond her skill level but we’re practically back at square one. We have the consultation with the surgeon on Tuesday and they will give me a new estimate. At this point I’m basically going to say yes to whatever price they give me because there are only a couple of veterinary orthopedic surgeons in Phoenix and we don’t have a lot of time to shop around even if there were.

      Yesterday I was so pleased he was eating again that I coaxed him into finishing his bowl of kibble, partly because I hid his pill in it. He woke me up at 1:30 this morning after throwing up in the living room. I cleaned it up and we went back to bed. I kind of woke up a while later hearing what I thought was him licking at his lump. I told him to stop licking and go to sleep. When I woke up this morning I realized he was not licking, he was sick again. Several times. He was curled up in the hallway, upset that he had made a mess, and wouldn’t come into the living room until I had it all cleaned up. The chihuahua just followed me around whining until I got his food out. I gave Thor an extra cuddle but I felt so bad to leave him for the day when he is sick and sad.

      I’m freaked out about the potential cost and guilty about being so preoccupied with money when my dog is hurting. I’m exhausted in general. I feel guilty about going on vacation when this is all up in the air but I have been planning this trip for almost a year and will be out a lot of money if I cancel at this point. And I feel bad about potentially dumping this on my parents to deal with either the surgery or recovery. And I know I shouldn’t feel bad about that because Thor is technically my father’s dog. Mom doesn’t like animals and had me take him when I moved out.

        1. HelloChel +1

          Thank you. Things looked a lot better after lunch and he was his happy self when I hit home. I now it’s not going to be as bad as I fear, I just have trouble remembering that sometimes.

  92. lrljhnsn +64

    i have a flat affect and am generally reserved in social situations and this has been a thing since i was a Teen and it’s still a problem now even though I am 29 years old and have had the same job with the same people for 8 years. i thought this shit was OVER and now that i got a promotion, all peer commentary is up for sharing again, and i’m dismissive and cold and it’s harming my income.

    where my sullen, task-oriented bitches at?

    1. redheadedwolf +37

      ARRRRRRGH SEXISM

      Yeah, I refuse to believe men get this criticism in the same proportion. :/

      1. lrljhnsn +56

        they probably don’t! i completely agree.

        fun story: my (gay) male coworker recently had his eval, and people said he was too sensitive and emotional. he and i sit right next to each other and have very similar personalities. hooray for a world where high school never ends.

    2. itiresias +19

      Hello! 27 years old and it still comes up at my job that I’ve had for three years, and with new people I meet, and everything ever. Every time I hear my mom’s voice in my head from when I was a child, snapping at me about why I needed to be more “engaging” and “friendly.” It sucks.

      1. lrljhnsn +19

        ugh. yeah. my mom liked to say “just put yourself out there!”

        there are not enough angry gifs on the internet for my feelings about that phrase.

      2. Olgasrevenge +16

        When I was a kid, my mom told me I was “cold” and “bitchy” and “this won’t be cute anymore when you’re older; people just won’t like you.” That criticism was unfair then and unfair now but it bounces around my head all the time at work.

    3. jimmyjimjimjim +44

      Yo.

      I am a stockboy at Target, it’s the first quarter so they cut our hours, I wake up at 3am. AND FUCKING YET just Wednesday I had to deal with a supervisor not being satisfied with my flat “not bad” in response to his “hows it’s going”.

      As if ten dollars an hour gave him any right to my emotional state in the first place, let alone the notion that anything below “fantastic *smile* *jazzhands*” was for some reason comment worthy given the basic reality of entry level retail.

      1. lrljhnsn +15

        duuuude. yeah. nothing about that job sounds like it’s worth the emotional energy of feigning cheer.

      2. betsymurgatroyd +14

        See, that’s bullshit. I’d take that up the chain of command. I’m glad most of my various managers don’t crawl up my ass because I’m less than enthusiastic to be at WM. I reserve the chipper behavior for the customer, not underpaid management and associates.

        1. jimmyjimjimjim +10

          I have gotten the “What’s ‘not bad’ supposed to mean” conversation/insistence from every level of management at both of the Targets I’ve worked at (I’m not even on the sales floor anymore at this Target and I smile so much my face hurts when I’m on the floor during business hours) and often enough at every other job I’ve had.

          My entire life has been filled with co-workers, classmates, supervisors and teachers giving me the “whats wrong” (because why aren’t I smiling) or more to the point “Hey Onymous, SMILE” I have had hobos yell at me to cheer up.

          1. betsymurgatroyd +8

            Then I’ll thank my lucky stars that I’m not working there. Apparently, most WM are like your Target. Ours is pretty chill and relatively decent.

            I did change my “not bad” or “I’m here” to “I’m well”. Because most people think it’s saying I’m good, but really, in my head, it’s me saying, “I’m not sick.”

      3. alder_tree +10

        Mild rant, but god almighty people do not get how exhausting any kind of retail/customer service job can be. The requirement to fake happy and totally pleasant while working your ASS off without a moment to yourself, for such low pay, wears on a person’s soul.

    4. AmyEntropy +22

      Here’s one! (waves) My male co-workers are told to be more assertive, I’m told people find it offputting when I show confidence in myself.

    5. m98widow +16

      Yeah, definitely got dinged in my previous job for not being “friendly” with customers, whereas my male counterpart was lauded for being “professional”, even though we had almost exactly the same affect with customers. So obnoxious.

    8. eegghh +14

      Well I don’t have a flat affect and I’ve been told off for:

      “not making a safe space for other people’s ideas” (aka asking two people who outranked me what the contingency plan was for a project in case their wildly unrealistic ideas didn’t work out- I apparently intimidated bosses, to which I say, great, make me the boss)

      being too sarcastic – when I wasn’t being sarcastic.

      Oh! Getting “emotionally invested” when I was in the middle of an entirely work related argument with a male colleague where he kept proposing a dumb idea, I’d counter with entirely factual reasons why I opposed his idea, asked my bosses to pick between us, and they chose to keep letting us have this fight every 4 weeks until I was exasperated. It went something like this:

      Him- I think you are doing your project wrong and I don’t like it.
      Me: this is why I am doing the project this way. Unless boss tells me to change it, I’m not doing it your way.
      Boss: ok, fine I see we are at an impasse, you both keep doing your things

      Week later:
      Him- I think you are doing your project wrong and I don’t like it.
      Me: this is why I am doing the project this way. Unless boss tells me to change it, I’m not doing it your way.
      Boss: I just want to check that no one is being too emotional about this (stares at me)

      PS, every single time I’ve been told off for pessimism, the thing I brought up as an issue has turned into an actual real deal issue down the line. It’s not that satisfying to be the office cassandra.

      Here’s the thing, you did get the promotion. I’d wait it out. Either that or start looking somewhere else. Also I get being in no mood to accommodate this kind of nonsense, but I wonder if you can build a cadre of people who are also against this bullshit feedback and start something awesome that kind of destroys this whole thing? For instance, i started a happy hour group of people at my old work who I loved, I started going out of my way to be really friendly with all the support personnel, aka tech support, secretaries, etc. That didn’t limit boss abuse but there’s something about having your birthday in the conference room attended by WAY more people than go to your bosses birthday, that really makes you feel good.

  93. SarcasticFringehead +8

    Toasts, I need some advice. A childhood friend of mine (we were best friends in elementary & middle school, but drifted apart in high school & haven’t talked in years – nobody did anything awful, we just went in different directions) is currently living with her parents while dealing with the fallout from a really disastrous marriage (abuse, drugs, a baby who has essentially been kidnapped to the father’s country of origin). She is, for obvious reasons, no longer active on any of the social media channels that I would have used to contact her to catch up; however, I recently received a card from her mom suggesting that I call to say hi. I tend to be shy and awkward on the phone, & strongly prefer written communication, but because of the social media blackout, that’s not really an option here (although I am considering writing her a card).

    So my questions are (a) if you were in her position, would you want to hear from me, and (b) if yes, what would you want me to say/not say? I don’t have a lot of experience with this kind of thing & don’t want to add to her stress, but I don’t want to just ignore her at a really tough time, either.

    1. lemonadefish +15

      a) yes probably, she would likely enjoy some kind words form someone who thinks she has value
      b) ‘hey, i’m sorry to hear you’re having a rough time. I always look back on our <insert shenannigans here> fondly, etc.’

      I think a card is perfectly fine, i also hate the phone. include your email address or whatever too.

    2. paddlepickle +25

      I’m assuming that since you say you haven’t talked in years, you’ve heard about all the crazy things happening to her through the grapevine and not directly from her. In that case, a. Yes I would very very much like to hear from you b. I would want you to say nothing more than ‘I’ve been thinking of you lately and would love to reconnect. How are you?’. And let me volunteer or not volunteer what’s going on in my life. I think someone reaching out with friendship at this moment of her life could be enormously beneficial, but even though she will probably suspect you know what’s going on it’s probably best to let her guide the interaction. Even if she doesn’t respond with a full account and request for support it will make her feel good that you called.

      2. SarcasticFringehead +8

        Yeah, I’ve been hearing about all this from my mom, who heard it from my friend’s mom (and also my friend’s mom put some of it in the card she sent me), so I don’t even know if my friend knows I know? Or wants me to know? If it were me, I wouldn’t love it if people were spreading my story around like that, but I also don’t want to pretend nothing’s happening. I really like the way you’ve phrased it.

        1. paddlepickle +13

          Glad I was helpful! I was thinking on it more, and I remembered a relevant example. I was grieving my ex’s suicide and had shared a little bit about it on Facebook, and I got an email from a former boss/friend who I hadn’t talked to in a long time that was just generally friendly and asked me about something else I’d posted about doing Couch to 5k. I was 100% sure that she reached out because she knew about the rough time I was having and appreciated it so much, but I thought it was incredibly sensitive of her to recognize that I’d appreciate hearing from her but as we weren’t close anymore wouldn’t necessarily want to talk to her about what I was going through. I think a similar approach would be good here. Good luck!

    3. sourwatermelons +11

      I think suggesting that you give somebody a call is kind of just an expression at this point for people raised pre-computer, tbh. She really would just like you to get in touch, and I doubt the method matters. I agree with everyone else that a card would be fine, and you can include your email or phone number and a suggestion that she text you.

    4. Merripat +7

      Write a card – if you haven’t spoken in years, a phone call might be very awkward even if you weren’t shy. And with a card, you can say that you’re thinking of her and are there for her. Include your address/email/phone number. Then she doesn’t need to react immediately, as would be the case with a call; and she has time to decide if she wants to reach out to you. Or maybe it’s enough for her to hear from you from time to time, since she doesn’t want to actually share things at the moment.

      And – you probably know this already – try to write about some innocuous things that are happening in your life, not about how you have a great marriage etc. A friend of mine had to drop out of university for medical reasons, and it would make her so sad if we talked on the phone and I talked about uni. (The problem was that not a lot of other things happen in my life and there wasn’t a lot I could actually talk about 🙁 )

      1. SarcasticFringehead +4

        Very true. I actually got divorced recently, but I’m not even going to try to pretend that my civil, relatively painless divorce is anything like the shitshow her terrible, terrible husband is putting her through.

  94. Megaaaaaan +8

    Hi Toasties! Just wanted to put it out there that some of us have formed a Toasties writing group where we write, submit and give feedback on work in a Slack Channel. We love new faces, so if anyone’s interested in joining our ranks, email me at meganlogan42 at gmail dot com and I’ll get you set up. Have a great weekend!

  95. EmElBee +23

    I put this in the link round-up, but I want to yell this from the mountaintops:

    I SAW JENNY LEWIS AND THE WATSON TWINS PERFORM RABBIT FUR COAT IN ITS ENTIRETY LAST NIGHT. IN A HUGE CATHEDRAL.

    Let’s just say it gave me a lot of feels. I may have cried a bit. Jenny Lewis is perfect as ever.

    2. RabbitIsland +2

      I’ve been on the fence about going to see her in NYC next week because money. But….this sounds amaaaazing.

      1. EmElBee +3

        Do it! And if hearing Rabbit Fur Coat straight through isn’t enough…they do a second set too, with a mix of Rilo Kiley and Jenny’s solo stuff. The rainbow suit comes out.

  96. firstmute +26

    My kindergartner just got her first report card. It was excellent! She’s proficient in everything she should be proficient in. But I still feel really unhappy about it, like do kindergartners really need report cards?

    I was lucky to go to my mom’s small, excellent Montessori school through 5th grade and have a lot of guilt that I’m not financially able to give my kids the same opportunity. Instead, they have to sit at desks in our “good” suburban school district and do worksheets and literacy centers for six hours a day. I’m so worried that it’s going to crush the joy out of them, you know? To be graded and assessed every minute of their lives for the next 13 years.

    1. Bryn (Plus Others) +8

      They don’t really, but it can give them a sense of accomplishment, especially if they have older siblings who are getting report cards. Or at least that is how I see it!

      But I share your concern about the public school system — our daughter is in kindergarten and it is not going as well as I would like for her. (By which I mean she is bored stiff most of the day.)

      1. firstmute +10

        Ugh. My daughter isn’t bored–she’s pretty social, and she LOOOOOOVES teachers & pretending to be a teacher, so it’s all material for her imaginative play–but she isn’t learning a ton, either. I mean, I don’t think kindergartners need to be stuffed full of math, but there’s so much they could be doing instead (science experiments! flag games! parts of the flower!) instead of pages of connect-the-dots. So much of it is just classroom management: now sit on this mat. Now move to this center. Now go to gym. Now take your 20 minutes of recess. It just kills me! But the solutions (smaller class sizes, fewer tests, better materials) seem overwhelmingly out of reach.

        1. Bryn (Plus Others) +4

          Oh yes, that is really hard. I am glad she is social and is getting a lot of good play out of it. Our school is actually pretty good about the curriculum — there is science and music and art and gardening on top of the reading/math stuff — but our daughter is high anxiety and very slow to transition and way academically ahead so yes, the classroom management time just kills her joy. But we also cannot afford private, and there is just no way we could successful homeschool/unschool her, and … yes. It is so annoying there are not better affordable options.

    2. girlinterupte +19

      I failed cutting in kindergarten because I was left-handed and no one had explained to me that I could use my left hand.

      1. firstmute +10

        This makes me sad for you, and also laugh bitterly, because cutting is so far below the level that kindergartners are supposed to be today that it’s almost funny. 

        One of the assessment categories on my daughter’s report card is “Demonstrates a command of the grade-appropriate conventions of standard English grammar, usage, capitalization and punctuation.” Another one is “Begins to respond to questions and suggestions to add details to strengthen writing.”

        1. girlinterupte +6

          That’s actually pretty similar to my kindergarten report card (I am a teen in a district that is haplessly incompetent but was ahead of the curve in terms of trying to quantify everything about elementary school).

        2. ayelltee +12

          This makes me sad for you, and also laugh bitterly, because cutting is so far below the level that kindergartners are supposed to be today that it’s almost funny.

          I was still stringing macaroni necklaces in kindergarten. Times have changed sooo much.

          As an aside, I live in an area with crazy-competitive parents who want their kids to be fluent in, like, three languages before first grade. The local community center where I take fitness classes has a French immersion preschool, for God’s sake, where the teacher will deign to whisper in English to the parents when they talk in the hall, but it’s all French all the time in the kids’ room. i admit to LOL once when I was passing by their room and most of the kids were in full tearful wailing meltdown. The teacher was so frustrated she was SPEAKING ENGLISH to them, like “Gabriel, sit down NOW. John, STOP HITTING HER. EVERYONE – BE QUIET. PLEASE. NOW.”

    3. haunting_of +4

      Congrats to your excellent child, but yeah, I feel you. Worksheets and homework are just so the opposite of what should be happening in kindergarten, it’s really depressing how much emphasis is placed on that kind of thing at such a young age. Homework for kindergartners should be ‘read a book with your parents,’ not TEST PREP. The sad thing is that there are plenty of parents pushing for more busywork…

      1. firstmute +9

        I mean, I even get irritated about the “read a book with your parent” homework, because does the teacher really think we don’t read with her? We’ve read to her every. single. night. since probably four months old, sometimes for up to an hour. I know that the homework isn’t personally directed at me and that plenty of parents don’t, but honestly. Most days, she doesn’t even have time to play at home before it’s time for dinner, bath, reading, and bed.  

        I guess what I’m saying is that I’m all for the nanny state until it starts telling me what to do.

        1. jmstevenson76 +10

          I despise all “do this with your parent” homework that my first grader is given. Like, *I* finished college. I’m good. *She’s* the one who needs to be brought up to speed, folks, so why am I being roped into this?

          See also: rage about being asked to download paid apps for classroom assignments. No. She’s seven. There is no reason she requires an app for anything she should be doing at school.

          1. onymatic +11

            I don’t have my child in K do homework. Told the teacher I believe it is developmentally inappropriate, and that while I understand the district requires her to assign it, we would not be doing it. She said it was not the first time she’d heard that. She still has to send it home, and we just leave it in the folder to go back again.

        2. roisindubh211 +11

          *You* read with your kids, but so many people really won;t (I don’t know that prompting them to will actually help, tbh).

    4. RoseCamelia +5

      Six hours of that kind of “school” work is discouraging, yes. But you have control of the rest of your child’s waking hours. Prioritize activities you wish her school would provide, then work toward providing them yourself, as you have time and other resources. A prioritized list allows you to do the most important stuff first, as opposed to doing the easiest activities first.

      You are a good parent, to even give thought to these issues. Your child is lucky to have you.

    5. eegghh +6

      The one good thing about getting through the conventional school system is then you understand how offices work? Which I mean, not to be like, great! Your kid is being crushed creatively now so she’ll be a good worker bee later! But if she can learn how silly it is, but still operate effectively inside the parameters…that’s how you succeed, by playing the game and knowing it’s a game.

  97. Tired +15

    Posting anonymously for therapy-related reasons. I’ve been doing some work in therapy and basically some of my problems are the result of not feeling safe to express emotions or creativity as a kid, so I kinda shut down those aspects of myself, and I have a lot of anger about that.

    But the problem is my mom is also depressed and I love her and don’t want to make her feel guilty (however justified it may be) about the way I was raised. So when she asks me about my experiences as a kid I don’t really know what to say. She believes in this super conservative baptist sect of christianity that I think she grasped onto because she had a shitty childhood; but it’s not well known for producing happy independent women and also holds women responsible for their own sexual objectification. So I’m at a loss. Any advice?

    1. Either_Ada +11

      So many hugs! I have been in a similar position with my own mom, with double bind of being angry with her but wanting to protect her from that anger. I was made to feel, growing up, that I had to put others’ feelings before mine, so WHOA guilt about inducing guilt in my mom. But the thing is, I’m not actually responsible for how she feels about things that actually did happen or about how I experienced them. It took me a really long time to convince myself of that, but once I did, I could start sharing a little by little (and I do mean little by little). It was really hard, but it was really good for our relationship and my own well-being to name the thing out loud and talk about it. Also, I think I underestimated both my mom’s ability to handle my anger and how much she already understood how I felt.

      Obviously, I don’t know your mom or your situation, but I suspect if she’s asking about your childhood experiences, she might actually want to know. You don’t have to tell her anything if you’re not ready, but if you want to test the waters, maybe you could start small? Could you ask her why she’s asking or what she wants to know? Could you share a small tidbit of an experience or memory (or whatever) and ask her what she thinks about it, and decide how to go from there?

      ETA: More hugs.

    2. RoseCamelia +7

      If it’s genuinely what you want to say, it’s OK to say, “I don’t want to talk about that today, Mom. Tell me about [her favorite hobby].”

    3. janekathy1 +3

      *hugs*

      Co-signing that finally naming things between yourself and parents can be really healthy, BUT you know your own situation best. I could totally see it happening where a parent would react negatively in a way that would be counter-productive to your own efforts at growth and healing.

      I really feel you, especially on feeling suppressed as far as creative expression, and just in the whole experience of having to confront the lasting impact of negative childhood experiences and parental expectations on my adulthood. Still coming to grips with how real that is. (The past didn’t go anywhere, did it. Ugh.)

      Anyway I wish you very well in your journey. Trust yourself. Hope none of this sounds presumptuous. Guess I don’t really have advice, either? Oops. Check back in a few years.

      1. Tired +2

        Thank you all for your kind words and hugs. I don’t know how I’m going to approach this yet, but I feel way better. <3

  98. Bryn (Plus Others) +4

    Dear Toasties!

    Last week I posted about the awesome gamified social music website The Sixty One and since then a few Toasties have joined me there! It is a fun place to discover random indie music and support artists and do quests to listen to things in weird genres. It is also the pet project of one guy so it has odd bugs and quirks but I haven’t found anything that keeps me from the joy.

    If anyone would care to join us, here is an invite link:
    http://www.thesixtyone.com/?referred_by_username=…

    There is also a Toast group if you are so inclined so that we can chat, although so far it has been pretty silent. 🙂

    1. viviennestreet +1

      Awesome! I just signed up. I’ve been in a music rut since the Hamilton soundtrack came out. This looks like just what I need.

  99. SmrtCookie +1

    Hello Yoga Campers! How did this week go? Are you finishing strong? Or are you, like me, an unhappy camper because the videos have all been so long this week? And is anyone doing anything next month? I was debating doing 30 days of yoga next but I found a 30 day pilates series that I might do instead to give my poor wrists a break.

    1. the_lovecats +2

      I’m still going! I started late though. It feels like I miss one/week. I think that’s ok though.

    2. jenavira +2

      I’m still going! I’m a week behind, but I’m still going. (I figure there’s no particular reason that I *have* to do them all on the right day, right?)

    3. mmsees +2

      I’m still going, slowly but surely. I’m about a week behind at this point (I figured I’d rather do them in order than try and stick to the day, and between traveling and not doing doubles on days I actually went to yoga class I’ve fallen a bit behind). I’m also thinking of doing 30 days of yoga next (over however many days it ends up taking…) I definitely want to keep doing a home practice semi regularly and since I still feel like I’m getting in the habit I think structure helps (rather than just trying to pick a random video based on how I feel).

  100. dunaganagain +20

    Can we have a non-combative political thread? Here’s my issue: I like Hillary and am leaning toward supporting her in the primary but am having trouble reconciling that with potential issues about her reaction to the accusations of rape/sexual assault against Bill Clinton. I don’t know how to feel about it and I don’t really know enough about what happened. My inclination is to always believe the victim. But if these women were all assaulted, did Hillary enable her husband’s predatory ways? Did she have an active role in suppressing them (which is what people are saying but I don’t know what the actual evidence is)? What did she do, and what should she have done? I don’t really know whether it’s right to support her in the face of these issues. But on the other hand I feel like when it comes to non-personal stuff she’s much more clued in to women’s rights issues than Bernie (not to mention that the misogyny of a lot of his followers is a real turn-off). Who is a feminist supposed to vote for in this election?!!

    1. floridagal1 +20

      I deeply distrust both Clintons, so I’m already pretty inclined to vote for Bernie. I really like that he doesn’t take donations from huge corporations the way Hillary does, and I think her connections with for-profit prisons make her pretty suspect. I feel like someone not getting $ from them would probably be more motivated to work to reduce incarceration, so that also inclines me towards Bernie. He seems to be pretty clued-in to womens’ rights stuff compared to other male politicians in general, and I get the sense that he’s open to learning. I can respect that.

      That’s my opinion, I tried to express it as non-combatively as possible. Oh also, I really don’t know anything about the O’Malley guy.

      1. paddlepickle +44

        “I really don’t know anything about the O’Malley guy”.

        Pretty sure that’s what it says on the O’Malley campaign’s bumper stickers.

      2. dunaganagain +11

        Thanks for the non-combativeness! I’m just so tired of having emotional arguments about it with family members and facebook friends that I just don’t feel like I can deal with any more heated conflict. I really am undecided about who I support in the primary.
        I don’t really have a problem with Hillary taking money from corporations. It’s admirable that Bernie has been able to build his campaign with grassroots donations, but it’s not the usual way that political campaigns work and I’m not sure I can fault Hillary for using the fund-raising strategy that her opponents use. I would love some campaign finance reform but I think while things are as they are, it’s very difficult for candidates to compete without taking big money from donors. That doesn’t bother me. As for her being beholden to the, I feel like Hillary is so used to being disliked and pissing people off that I don’t really see her as ever being in someone’s pocket, no matter how much they’ve given her. I didn’t know about the private prison thing, and that’s worrying, but it looks like she cut ties with them last year?
        With Bernie, I agree that he seems willing to learn, but he also has repeatedly intimated that he views racial and gender issues as mere subsets of economic issues, something with which I heartily disagree. They’re tied together, sure, but “fixing” economic inequality (even if that were something that could be done within one presidential term) is not going to magically solve all issues of racial and gender inequality.

    2. j_bird +41

      Frankly I’m not sure her reaction to Bill’s misdeeds is that relevant to how good she would be as president. His actions are his own responsibility, and I kind of feel like women are in a tough bind when it comes to their famous husbands’ crimes. There is simultaneous pressure to a) stand behind your man, and b) show that you do not condone his actions. I’m not sure how much we can learn about Hillary’s governing skills this way.

      On the other hand, she does have a political record from her time as senator and secretary of state, which seems like a much better indicator of how she’ll lead on feministy issues. Myself, I’m working on educating myself on her voting history and such. She’s progressive on some issues, but a bit too centrist for my liking on others. I am honestly not yet sure whether to support her or Bernie.

      1. dunaganagain +6

        I agree in principle that this personal stuff doesn’t reflect her ability to govern. And what I like about her is her pragmatism and doggedness; I feel like she would really get stuff done. But if she really did have an active hand in suppressing the accusations and intimidating sexual assault victims, as some people are saying (and I don’t know whether to believe it or not because I haven’t seen the evidence), I don’t know whether I can in good conscience look to her to represent me in government.

        1. PierrePoutine +32

          I think it’s important to remember that negative rumours about Hillary Clinton occur within a specific context: people have been inventing shit about her for decades now. Benghazi is just the tip of an ugly, ugly iceberg. It is entirely plausible to me that if Bill indeed assaulted someone, he told Hillary that he didn’t, and she believed him because the Clintons dealt with SO MANY ridiculous right wing myths (accusations of murder etc) that she may have thought this was yet another unfounded allegation. She may have written him off as a philanderer but assumed he wouldn’t actually assault someone. Where is the proof that she intimidated anyone? Is it fair to assume she would? Her voting record and public statements speak louder than any rumour.

          1. redheadedwolf +17

            HIGH FIVE, comment sister (I wrote something similar, but I think you said it better).

            This is not a good reason to vote for her, but at this point of observing and remembering all the ugly shit she’s gone through and had to put up with stoically, head held high, I very much want to see her as the goddamn President of the United States. She deserves that power (though not to abuse, etc.).

          2. dancingcorvid +6

            Yes, this, thank you.

            I love Hillary, and the more shit the GOP starts the more people talk about how that might make some kind of difference to her ability to govern. She has so much experience with all of the high level government, she has held office both elected and appointed, and done well with it. I want her to do well.

            I feel like I should say something about liking Bernie too – I have always been impressed with the things he can browbeat people into, and the deals he can swing, but he’s a grumpy, intellectual (old) white dude iconoclast, and while I would love to have some one elected who holds his positions politically, I don’t like the followers he brings along, and I will not vote for him in my primary.

        2. redheadedwolf +15

          I know “believe women” is our mantra and a good one, but it is crucial to balance that with considering the sources of these allegations, as well as the political stakes at hand that may be driving them.

          Remember the horribly well-orchestrated Republican slur campaign against Anita Hill? (There’s a documentary/coming out about it soon, I think, it’ll be a good refresher.) There are just as many Republicans around today with zero scruples about feeding these stories everywhere they can.

          I have no knowledge about the veractiy of the rape allegations against Bill Clinton; I just know horrible smear campaigns are a fixed part of presidential politics (especially on the Republican side, like how Bush’s campaign claimed before the South Carolina primary that John McCain fathered an illegitimate black child), and we should be mindful of that.

          1. dunaganagain +6

            So this (and what PierrePoutine said above) was my inclination as well. I could certainly see the accusations being politically motivated and unfounded. But on the other hand, the things people say to discredit Juanita Broaddrick are the same things people have said about Bill Cosby’s victims–why did she wait so long to come forward, why didn’t she call the police, etc. She’s also the one saying that Hillary “intimidated” her into silence, although the anecdote she offers seems pretty dubious to me (Hillary thanking her for “all the things” she did for her husband). I find myself wanting not to believe her, to believe that it’s pure politics (the woman supports Trump, after all) but I’m worried that that’s wrong. He’s been accused by three different women, and it just…gives me misgivings. I don’t like Bill, I find him sleazy, but my opinion of a candidate’s spouse has never affected my vote before so it won’t now. I find the rumors about intimidation and suppression on Hillary’s part more troubling, and I would very much like to be able to dismiss them as just rumors, which is why I would really like someone to tell me what the actual evidence is that she was in any way involved. It doesn’t help that googling turns up tons of baseless articles on extreme right-wing sites; I really can’t dig through all that dirt to find out where this stuff is originating.
            I don’t remember Anita Hill–I was only 10 at the time, so the whole case was not really on my radar. I certainly agree that politicians in general (and republicans in particular) don’t have a lot of scruples about smearing their rivals with ridiculous rumors. But I would really like to be able to separate the fact from the fiction in this case.

          2. redheadedwolf +4

            I totally understand your reasoning and why you’re feeling torn, and I think you’re doing a good job processing it and ruling out what’s irrelevant (i.e., the spouse’s character).

            I can’t help with bringing forth conclusive evidence one way or another, but I imagine…it’ll come to light in the next ten months, if there is anything to it. (Also likely: uglier allegations with suspicious sources.) It’s not going to be any fun, either way. :/

      2. praemunire +8

        I also think standards for reactions to charges of sexual misconduct (and crime generally) really are different for close family members than for mere colleagues or the like. Not that it’s ever acceptable to facilitate or cover up misdeeds, but I do expect parents and spouses to have the human reaction of supporting and defending the family members they love and trust against horrible accusations. This is not going to produce a textbook progressive reaction to such charges. My tolerance only goes so far on this point, but it does exist.

        Also–possibly you might want to take a more rigorous approach to random political rumors you haven’t reviewed the evidence for. Already you’re not sure if you can vote in good conscience for someone based on facts you haven’t investigated? I find that a little puzzling, especially concerning someone who has been the subject of nonstop smears for the last two-plus decades.

        1. dunaganagain +10

          Well, I think it’s ok for me to have hesitations. I’m trying to investigate it, that’s why I posted this thread–I wanted to hear other people’s takes and see if anyone could point me to some good reading material. I’m having trouble investigating it on my own precisely because it’s such a pernicious rumor. Googling turns up a lot of ridiculous, biased, and unfounded accusations, and it’s very difficult to sift through all that and find out what basis, if any, these rumors have.
          I also agree that the reactions of close family members to crimes have to be different from those of the general public, but I can’t help but compare this situation with Bill & Camille Cosby. I have very little sympathy for Camille and am disgusted by her role in enabling and covering up his abuse. I am having trouble reconciling those feelings with my support of Hillary.

          1. PierrePoutine +11

            I’m disgusted with Camille too so I see where you’re coming from. I would differentiate this from the Cosby scenario, mostly because the smear campaign against the Clintons was bonkers and politically motivated. I think it is possible that Bill raped someone, but given that right wing attack dogs were willing to accuse Hillary and Bill of murder, I wouldn’t put it past them to falsely accuse him of rape. It’s an extreme case because false accusation was indeed in their wheelhouse.

    3. houblonchouffe +38

      I guess my take on this is that Bernie and Hillary just have vastly, vastly different approaches to how to function in national politics. Robert Reich put it really well the other day: Hillary is the better candidate, probably, for the political system that we currently have. She’s made the deals, she’s gotten in bed (metaphorically) with god only knows who in the course of her career, she’s hawkish when it suits her and pacifist when it suits her, and she seems to have no problem altering course based on political winds, BUT, Bernie is the better candidate for the political system we say we want, in that he has just… kind of not done that stuff? He’s stuck to his progressive guns for a hell of a long time, come hell or high water, and rather than be expedient he’s taken some hits, and I have just a ton of respect for that.

      1. redheadedwolf +6

        That’s the best summary yet of their differences! Where did Robert Reich explain all that?

        1. houblonchouffe +2

          In The Guardian earlier this week.

          I can’t paste the link for some reason 🙁

          Sent from my iPhone

    4. protocoach +31

      I have a lot of the same reservations about Hillary. I suspect that she did have at least some role in the suppression of those accusations. The unfortunate conclusion that I come back to is that there’s only one answer to:

      Who is a feminist supposed to vote for in this election?!!

      and that the answer is “whatever Democrat wins the primaries, because a Republican president would be a disaster”. In terms of primaries, I don’t really think it matters. I think that President Hillary and President Bernie will be functionally indistinguishable (the office is far more constrained than people tend to realize), while the difference between either of them and any of the Republican candidates will be a Supreme Court where Roberts or Alito is the middle of the spectrum, and if that happens, we are fucked.

      And I know that answer sucks. And I hate it. It’s not what voting should be. But I also don’t think I have the moral option to say that I’m going to throw away my vote by not voting or voting third party, because that attitude, sufficiently widespread, would doom abortion rights, voting rights, healthcare, and the fight against money in politics for the next 30 years.

      1. dunaganagain +14

        I totally agree. I should have said, I will definitely vote for whoever wins the democratic nomination. I was just wondering about who to support in the primary. It really worries me when I hear Bernie supporters say that they’ll never vote for Hillary even if she wins the nom. It seems really divisive and counter-productive to me. I don’t feel like I’ve heard Hillary supporters voicing similar ultimatums, which is part of the reason I feel more comfortable falling in with her camp.

        1. protocoach +9

          I think I’m probably going to end up primarying for Bernie, because I don’t think either of the Dems is much more or less electable, and I kinda agree with HoublonChouffe upthread; Bernie’s what I would like my politicians to be, and I feel like I should reward that, even if some of his supporters irritate me. But I totally sympathize with the “Fucking BernieBros” view (because I have gotten into a few FB fights with some of them). I dunno. I don’t have a great answer.

      2. redheadedwolf +3

        Very well said! I would like to spread this response far and wide, to all dithering Democrats.

    5. popelizbet +10

      I don’t know, but Hillz bringing on Lena Dunham has made me trust her EVEN LESS on the feminist front.

      2. redheadedwolf +6

        Mmm, yeah, I’d be deeply surprised if Hillary actually had a personal opinion on Lena Dunham (or had watched Girls). Lena still has widespread popularity (and, I’m sure, is a Democrat who wants to help make the first woman president happen), so I imagine it was her campaign staff (whoever’s in charge of drumming up the Youth) that brought her on.

        i.e., it’s political pandering, not an endorsement of Lena as a feminist.

        1. popelizbet +5

          I get that. But I also get that even basic Googling would have pulled up that while she’s got some star power she is Deeply Problematic, and it feels like a slap in the face for Black women who consistently win elections for the Dems for the campaign to greenlight that. It just makes me more ugh about HRC than I already was, even though I would vote for El Chapo to keep Trumpkin out of office.

          2. popelizbet +8

            El Chapo is the true end stage capitalist success story, and no one handed him a hotel chain fresh out of high school. Right? I mean he kills people, but people get killed in the maquiladoras where Trump-branded products are made, and at least Chapo builds public works on occasion?
            I may have been sarcastically hashtagging #ChapoPorPresidente for a while now. I am so jaded this election it’s not funny.

    6. kilks401 +8

      On the issues, I generally agree with Bernie. My hesitation with him is my concern over his theory of political change seems naive and unlikely. Jamelle Bouie sums it up well here, but he doesn’t seem to have any kind of actionable plan that has been proven effective. http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/p…

      Hillary I worry about over foreign policy. Becuase that is an area where presidents have lots of leeway and I just straight up disagree with her on a lot of issues relating to use of force. The best example of that is her support for the bombing campaign in Libya, more than her vote for Iraq. If I vote for Hillary, it’ll be because I view her as a more effectvie administrator of the federal government for progressive goals, versus Bernie who I agree with on the issues more.

      Fundamentally, unless one of them can win back both he House and Senate this year or in 2018, I don’t think the differences between are particularly important. I’m more concerned about down ballot races and the general.

      Oh, and in regards to Juanita Broaddrick, I am reluctant to blame Hillary. Maybe that is me taking the easy way out, but we are voting for her, not her husband.

    7. coloredlights +25

      This is not really helpful to you, but I just haven’t been able to say this anywhere recently, between my family being staunchly Republican and my Facebook feed being full of white hipster guys posting about Bernie – I love Hillary. I voted for her last time and went to campaign rallies for her and will vote for her again, and I am so sick of all the shit about her being unlikeable and how no one actually likes her because I do, damn it. I think she is smart and experienced and unbelievably strong, to have withstood all of the attacks and struggles in her 40-year career and to have had so many accomplishments regardless.

      Anyway, I’m not looking to argue with anyone about it, I just wanted to shout into the void in a safe place.

      1. redheadedwolf +12

        Very well said! I don’t always like The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore, but this week he did have a good panel discussion which started with “So, that debate kid who told her to her face she’s untrustworthy,” but one of the woman on the panel immediately seized and pivoted it to “Yeah, sexism.” Because all politicians are untrustworthy to some extent, including Bernie, but she gets ragged on for it more than any of them.

      3. dunaganagain +2

        I totally hear you! I’ve been hesitant about sharing articles on facebook that I would usually share because every time I do I get so much backlash from my (white male) relatives and I just cannot handle the stress of it.

    8. chiaroscuromom +5

      I was really ready to be pro-Hilary, but she hasn’t been that engaging through this run-up cycle and well, Bernie has. I’m wondering if she can get up the momentum it will take to win. I’m heard some recent titter about Hilary appointing Obama to the SCOTUS and if that happens I would just die and go to heaven.

      I agree with the upthread Toastie (and Reich) who said that Bernie is probably the best/most experienced candidate for the system we’d like to have, but Hilary is the best candidate for the system we actually do have in place today.

      The other thing about Hilary that’s really (really) too bad is that she’s been so, so close to breaking through lots of important barriers for what seems like her entire career, and for quite a while it seemed maybe a foregone conclusion that she would become our first female President. Now it’s looking more and more like that may not coalesce for her, and it really sucks for her on a personal level. As a person and a human being and a feminist and a mother of a daughter I am trying to inculcate with big dreams, I would like to see Hilary get the big payoff.

      On the other hand, what other women are waiting in the wings, as it were, and are ready to step out and shine once Hilary retires from the national spotlight? And how exciting are those people going to be? There’s just nothing exciting (to me) about the current slate.

      As a feminist voter, my bottom line is to vote for the Democratic candidate in November, whoever that winds up being. There’s way too much at stake not to.

      1. redheadedwolf +8

        I’m heard some recent titter about Hilary appointing Obama to the SCOTUS and if that happens I would just die and go to heaven.
        OMG, this is the first I’m hearing of that! That would be UNBELIEVABLY BRILLIANT, and I think some Republicans would actually spontaneously combust. (More realistically, they would do everything they could to block his Senate confirmation. And I wonder if he would actually accept the nomination, as it would be so unprecedented, almost a crossover of branches of government.)

        For your other points — I don’t think you should lose faith yet that she’ll win the nomination and the election. Voting only starts next week, and I think Bernie is going to hit a wall — not with fundraising or ground support, but sheer viability with the power brokers. I don’t really know how it’s going to play out, but I do know that Hillary would be many, many times the stronger candidate in the general election (as I doubt a majority of the country would feel comfortable voting for an avowed socialist), and I believe all the forces behind the DNC are going to do their damnedest to make sure that happens (stopping short, I hope, of tampering with ballots).

        As for other women who might break through in time: I think Elizabeth Warren and Kirsten Gillibrand have a lot of potential.

        1. rawrbook +6

          Taft was president and Chief Justice, so it’s been done before! Now whether Obama would even make it to a confirmation vote (w/Republicans in charge of Congress) is another thing entirely. Also, I kinda want the nation give him a much deserved rest before thrusting him back into such an important and prominent role.

          1. redheadedwolf +5

            AH, thanks for the education! Handy trivia.

            Yeah, I agree with you there too. But Obama’s still in his early 50s — he can take a decade or so off before stepping up for the bench. 🙂 (It’s probably too much to hope there’ll be three Democrat presidents in a row, though.)

            STILL, I like that there’s a precedent. Anything could happen!

    9. walrathem +18

      I’ve been enjoying reading this whole series of comments by the way. Thank you to everyone for being so reasonable and… well… Toastarific!

      I’m a Hilary supporter for a couple of different reasons which are a little bit “Her strength” and a little bit “Bernie’s weakness.”

      Firstly- One of the things I love, love, LOVE about President Obama is his fair-minded decency. He speaks to the heart of American ideals and it’s beautiful. Sadly, the congress he had wasn’t the right congress for that. We had a Kennedy when we needed a Johnson*. Bernie is another dreamer and searcher and not someone with political capital to spend making things happen. And if there is one defining Clintonian political trait it’s git-er-doneiness.

      -Part of a President’s ability to govern effectively is through his agency heads, his judicial appointments and his Cabinet. Hilary has a ton of successful, smart, principled, dedicated people she can draw to her. Bernie doesn’t have a team like that.

      -Finally, I really like the idea of a President who I know can stick it to someone when the sticking needs it-ing.

      *everybody giggle.

      1. redheadedwolf +10

        I like all those points! Despite how it may look in my other comments, I’m not a diehard Hillary supporter — I haven’t had many strong feelings about any of the Democrat candidates, and of course I’m going to vote for the Democrat ticket no matter what.

        But lately I’ve come down more decidedly on Hillary’s side, because 1) I think Bernie is promising a lot of pretty ponies without a realistic plan to achieve them, and 2) the primary role of the POTUS is not to lead a legislative agenda, which is Bernie’s platform. The role of the POTUS is to be commander in chief, which includes making decisions of the world’s largest army and nuclear arsenal, and also going toe-to-toe with other world leaders like Putin.

        I cannot picture Bernie filling that role with the gravity of the office. I can’t picture him facing Putin without his hair sticking up, in fact. That sounds flippant, but seriously, I don’t think he’s proven in international relations, and Hillary most certainly is.

        1. walrathem +1

          Could Bernie have gotten deals done with both Cuba and Iran? I don’t no. I think so, but I’m not certain.

      2. dunaganagain +10

        Yeah, this is a lot of how I feel too. I love Obama so much, but having seen him trying very idealistically to work with a hostile congress to accomplish his goals, and being stymied at every turn, I just feel like I’m ready for someone who knows how to work the system. I feel like Hillary would know how to grab those cranky old Republican senators by the balls and twist when she needs to.

        1. walrathem +3

          I’m trying not to think about how I would have loved a Hilary ’09-’17 then Obama ’17-’25.

    10. eegghh +17

      Man. I have wrestled a bit with Hillary in relation to her husband, not just in terms of his possible sexual aggressions and her complicity or not, but also in relation to their ties to big business and free trade stuff and I didn’t like that racist shit that happened when she was in the primary with Obama and it felt to me like that was a holdover from Bill’s school or advisors from his days.

      Here’s where I land on this. I do tend to generally believe women don’t make false claims, because there’s nothing good that comes from it. But, I think there’s a caveat, of when someone is very famous, there are also people who get crazy about that person- the woman who accused Conor Obrist of rape springs to mind, or the woman who said she was pregnant with justin bieber’s kid, or women who try and break into Chris Brown’s house (BREAK IN, NOT BREAK OUT?!), and so in light of how long ago this stuff was, how unconfirmed, etc, I feel that it’s a sort of schrodinger’s box of accusation.

      Given that we don’t even know if he did anything, it’s really pointless to speculate on if Hillary knew. And I think she’s got a devil’s deal here- does she lose her political access by stepping away from Bill? Yes. Would people still hate her and blame her for things that happened in the 90s? Yes. So, she’s stuck with him for the rest of her life.

      I also think that what we know about Cosby, and a lot of predators, is that this was an ongoing pattern. This again, doesn’t make me believe that Bill is innocent, and I don’t think that he shows good judgment, re- having an affair with an intern at his job, but I don’t know of NEW cases, and I guess that I feel like, it’s unfair to ask Hillary to have a response for something so far in the past unless there’s new information or new cases. If Bill gets arrested tomorrow, then I’m going to watch closely for her involvement, but otherwise, I’m willing to say, I have no idea if he did anything, but I won’t not vote for someone because her husband might be a bad guy, but it’s unproven.

      In fact if you think that Bill is a rapist, maybe Hillary’s rise to power is what stops him? This is a bit of a silly argument, but what if she sat him down and was like, “this all stops, you owe me, you will never touch another woman again so help me god and I will be watching you that’s it, never get in my way, take your chemical castration pills and go to therapy.” If so, maybe if she loses, he’s off the hook? I mean, this is a crazy line of argument, but what I mean by it is we have no idea what goes on between them.

      Ok, so I read the articles about Bernie on Feministing- its a 4 part series and I think it’s VERY eye opening, in terms of how Bernie is cast as the sincere one and Hillary as the political animal. I’d recommend it to anyone who is on the fence and just dealing with those two narratives.

      Also I personally LOVE Hillary. Even with all her flaws. This is how I feel about Obama too btw. They’re both too centrist for me. Sometimes the things they say are such careful stepping and so clearly part of an ongoing machine in their brain being like, “must always walk the line” that it makes me crazy.

      But Hillary Clinton the human being? She’s great. All you have to do is see how she was in the Benghazi hearings. Or read about how she got into that meme of her on the phone, or know about how polite and kind she is. Reading her complaining that she wants her old operating system on her old blackberry but also wants emojis, I just felt her as a human being as I never had before. And that’s what I think about. Hillary is a real human that people will never believe has real humanity, because she’s also a woman of ambition. She’s never going to be relatable to people. People HATE her, they hated her husband, and what has she done with that? Gotten up every single day and worked hard, moved forward. People doubt that she’s sincere but she laid the groundwork for our health care. She became a senator then secretary of state, then a two time really possible candidate for president. Somehow she literally powers herself with male tears in a pantsuit and scrunchie. She champions her staff and supports other women quietly, and I suspect she has plans to launch Huma no matter what happens to her afterwards (http://www.fastcompany.com/3055032/most-creative-people/how-the-hillary-clinton-campaign-built-a-staff-as-diverse-as-america)

      Do I think she’s perfect? HELL NO. But do I think that the points against her are weighted 2-3x as heavily as the points against Bernie? Yes. Will I vote for either one? Yes. Am I voting for Hillary, absolutely, you bet your butt I am.

      1. dunaganagain +4

        Thank you so much for this. It’s so well thought-out and articulate and I really appreciate everything you’ve said.
        Also, do you happen to have the link for the feministing series on Bernie? I tried to find it but couldn’t. I’d be interested to read it.

      2. coloredlights +1

        This is a beautiful comment. Sorry I’m so late to it, but I’m turning up now as someone who feels the exact same way re: Hillary the person.

  101. ClickityCat +15

    I’m getting really into Welcome to Nightvale. It helps be get through data entry at work. Does anyone else listen to it? Just finished the second year, is the 3rd just as good?

    1. Ozma Silvershoes +5

      I personally love it, & am almost never disappointed! I read the book, too, & really liked it. However, it’s kinda like, tailor-made for me. All my interests, bundled up into a tidy audio package, so it’s hard to go wrong.

    3. deleted2570704 +3

      I’m still in the first year (?) and really loving it for weird, quiet nights. Caveat: I listened to “The Faceless Old Woman That Lives In Your House” one while trying to calm down from an anxiety situation and it was not helpful, haha. I went and saw their live show last year in Toronto and it was really interesting. So many hardcore fans with costumes that I did not understand. Cecil is a gem, the guys who plays Carlos is so cute.

      My friend and I who’s also a new-ish listener both agreed we liked listening it to it better alone and isolated than in a big group setting? But it was weird and great, an experience worth having if they come to your town

      The weather was this beautiful girl with kind of a high haunting voice who played bells and an autoharp. And her name is… Eliza Rickman.

      1. ClickityCat +6

        Even just listening, the live episodes lose some of that eerie quality, so I didn’t enjoy as much. Except in the live episode I just listened to, Cecil is describing Tamika as a young girl and then stops and corrects himself : “a human being ” and the roar of approval at that gave me all kinds of feels.

    4. Nashirakins +4

      I love WTNV and devoured it over the course of a week at work. It was kinda intoxicating to find a bizarre, funny, SF/horror universe that includes a diverse cast.

      1. alder_tree +1

        When I first heard of it, they were twenty-something episodes in, and I was still working as a mail carrier, and I just zipped through them all while working, and continued to listen to new ones as they came out while delivering mail.

        Which meant multiple occasions of me laughing so hard I could barely stand, and hoping to god nobody looked out the window and thought the mail lady had lost her mind.

    5. jaeferous +5

      I love Nightvale! If you get a chance, I highly recommend seeing a live show. They’re always fantastic.

    6. viviennestreet +1

      Yes! I love Welcome to Night Vale. I’ve lost track of which episodes are part of year three, but you definitely have some really good ones in your future.

      I’m in the mood for a relisten, but fast-forwarding through several minutes of intro is annoying. Gah.

    7. alder_tree +1

      I am way WAY behind, but: if you get a chance to attend a live show, please do. Part of the reason I’m so far behind is that, after the fun of the live shows, the recorded ones feel a little flat!

  102. leslieellenjones +5

    I’ve been fighting off a cold for what seems like the whole month, and friends, yesterday it came creeping in on little cat feet and I am home with a head that feels like solid rock, drinking tea with honey and lemon out of a mug big enough to swim in, and watching an endless round of Time Team on Acorn TV. Things could be worse, but you know, breathing really is kind useful and I hope this thing goes away as abruptly as it arrived.

  103. aurorabirdialis +3

    Toasties, are any of you teachers? If so, how the hell does licensing work? What if you already have a degree and are teaching (not in a public school setting, for a nonprofit org) and are looking to expand your options? HOW DO TEACH

    1. m98widow +2

      I thought I was going to be a teacher way back in the long ago, but after I got my Master’s in my subject I just could NOT figure out how to get a stand alone teaching degree. All the programs I could find were joint Master’s/certificate programs. Eventually, I got another job and didn’t end up doing anything relating to being a teacher, so honestly, I still don’t know.

    2. elsajeni +3

      It depends on what state you’re in, but I would say that in most states the likely possibilities are:
      1. a program that combines a graduate degree in education with teaching certification, or
      2. an “alternative certification” or “emergency certification” program, which might be run through your local school district or by the state, and which will get you just your certification, no additional degree.

      I’ll be honest, I am most of the time against path #2 — those programs tend to drop you in a classroom after very little training, and I generally think it’s not great for the teacher or the students — BUT, given that you already have teaching experience, I think it might actually be a good path for you. Those programs do tend to focus on either high-demand subjects or subjects where you might have relevant work experience (like if you’re an engineer who’s decided you want to become a physics teacher), so whether it’s available to you might depend on what subject and grade level you want to teach. Anyway, my starting point would be either your state’s department of education website or your local school district’s website, looking for any reference to “alternate route certification” or “career changers” or “lateral certification” or anything like that.

      1. aurorabirdialis +4

        My background is in biology (I can do either microbiology/infectious disease-type stuff, as that’s what most of my coursework was in) OR environmental/ecology stuff (what I do now–I teach outdoor/environmental ed). Prior to this job, I worked for the Girl Scouts. So I have a lot of teaching experience, none of it traditional, and I know a LOT about working with kids. I’m not 100% sure I’m cut out for the traditional public school classroom, but I want to expand my options–I can’t do seasonal work forever.

        My dream would be finding a year-round outdoor ed position somewhere with benefits and  lots of coniferous trees, but those don’t exactly grow on trees. Pun intended.

        1. chiaroscuromom +1

          National Parks interpreter? That’s what my teen daughter’s science teacher was trying to sell her on last week.

        2. Sisyphus

          If you have a masters degree you could teach intro bios at a community college —- Bay Area people were just telling me that they couldn’t get good candidates because everybody keeps jumping over to biotech and computing.

  104. mspym +2

    My first open thread question : my partner and I are travelling to the States in June/July this year to se his family. We will be in the vicinity of both NYC and Chicago on this trip and I would really really like to see Hamilton. Thoughts on which city will require a smaller chunk of kidney to be sold? How impossible will it be to get tickets at all? We are in Australia so general wrangling in different timezones adds to the issue. Any help or suggestions?

    1. SmrtCookie +3

      You’re going to have to try for New York considering Hamilton isn’t opening in Chicago until the end of September!

    2. coloredlights +2

      Hamilton doesn’t open in Chicago until September.

      You may be able to get resale tickets for the Broadway production for June/July – just check Ticketmaster. I just looked at a random date in June and the cheapest tickets were like $350, which is obviously very expensive, but the tickets do exist.

  105. laurenwielgus +5

    Hey Toasties, how do I get in touch with those of you in the bay area? There must be lots of us, right? Is there a FB group or google group? I’m relatively new here, and would love to meet up.

    1. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

      We are in the Bay Area, and while I cannot answer your question about how to get in touch, I am also curious about the answer. And hello there! Welcome!

      1. mmsees +1

        Seconded. I feel like these threads happen a lot and I miss if there’s ever an actual answer. There are definitely a number of people here, would someone like to start a FB or google group if there somehow isn’t? (Or do I just actually manage to miss the actual answer every time?)

  106. Pegasus Olson +10

    I found out this week that I am losing my sweet cozy apartment because the landlords want to move in. Now I’m moving all my stuff into a relative’s garage until I can move in with my bf in November and planning to fill up the time with sublets, living out of suitcases. I feel like this could be fun and adventurous but I am not the type of person who enjoys these types of situations. I’m looking at a place in Bedstuy today that sounds really promising though, and would be really close to my friend–so cross your fingers for me!

    1. InsertCoolNameHere +1

      Fingers crossed for you!! It does sound like an adventure, what a cool way to frame it!

  107. beatrizcentury +7

    Hey y’all. Don’t know if anybody’s down here and I haven’t been commenting in a bit. But I can’t seem to stop being loud about this to everyone who will here me.

    Longstory short I moved into a place with my best dude friend (we call each other bro/sis) in april of 13–I didn’t really like the apartment, but it was cheap, he wanted it, it worked out, and I was trying to finish a Master’s, working, figured I’d get a job and it wouldn’t matter and I’d be gone. Fast forward a year and a half, a whole lot of fucked up shit that went down with me personally, and basically we…. stopped talking? Completely? Like, I took a job where I worked a lot and he has a GF with a condo/cable TV and so I moped around this shitty apartment (my bedroom has no windows!) and then I stopped smoking pot and we stopped hanging out. He’s made no effort. I was super stressed and sad about it for about six months, tried bringing it up, he chalked it up to our different time tables.

    Thing is: he basically took over the common space as his lad pad? And was super disrespectful about when my brother had to stay with us for a while after saying it would be cool? And has friends over smoking weed and cigs in the apartment until like… after midnight on Monday nights (he’s off Tuesdays)? And we agreed to smoke outside. Then in the past three months he started to do some other fucked up shit, such as eating my food and not replacing it, not taking care of the shit I asked him to take care of. I came home from a party in the middle of a Saturday night and went to get a snack, upon which he came into the kitchen and SCREAMED at me. In the middle of the night. When he had the weekend off to go to a music festival.

    So anyway. This sucked. And my life is a little weird right now and so I told him in December I’d be looking to move earlier than April (we have NO lease, but according to him, we had an “AGREEMENT” on leaving in April). First he got super aggressive. Then I kept bringing it up to ask if he’d want to leave too, if I should talk to the landlord, etc. No, fine, no he’d figure it out, he’s looking for people to live with (the rent is STUPID cheap). Anyway, I found a perfect sitch for me except I’d be moving next week and basically last night was it. He basically called me a liar and kept saying “I’m not someone who goes back on his word and you can make your little faces all you want” (?! faces!?) but that finding a subletter would fuck him over.

    So after this I cried myself to sleep and now all I want is to leave except I have to live in this apartment. Still. And also this was one of my closest friends, who used to be so sweet and sensitive and kind, and… you know when someone looks at you and you can tell they have just stopped giving a shit about you or your life? And then are mean? This is the second semi-cruel friend breakup in two years and honestly, is it me?

    So here’s hoping I get to move next week which is the worst wish ever.

    2. jaeferous +5

      Oh no, that’s terrible! What a crappy way to end things. Good luck with the new place – Hope things start getting better soon!

      1. beatrizcentury +6

        thank you so much. I just… like i know this is fucked up because I keep being like, WELL MAYBE IT IS ALL MY FAULT WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? but that’s probably… He just really did not used to be like this. And every time I hear myself say that, as someone who was in emotionallyabusive! relationships (yay), I go, giiiiiiiirrrrrrlll.

        1. allanaaa +2

          I meant to tell you a longer and less shouty story about myself on Friday, but got way busy.

          Early last year I broke up with my boyfriend of five years; in July I moved out on my own after living with a really good friend for a year. They are both now ex-people.

          I definitely went through the “OMG IS IT ME” phase, because it just seemed too coincidental, but honestly, it wasn’t. The ex was a smart guy who started feeling trapped and had taken to gaslighting me in the last year of our relationship. And the roommate, lovely lady though she is, suddenly stopped communicating with me after one tiny argument that built into a huge thing after three months. (Stopped. Talking. Completely.)

          I didn’t act perfectly (I gave them both distance when I should’ve confronted them, etc.), but I was not the cause of anything. They’re not evil people, either, they just got stuck in bad mindsets. Sometimes people just get crappy towards one another.
          It took me a while to see it, but I got there. You’ll get there too. <3

    6. Nashirakins +5

      I pray your new apartment is magical and full of safety, respect, comfort, joy, and only people who treat you well. And a window for your bedroom. You have had a tough tough time, ugh!

    7. Goomaly +9

      I am so sorry this is happening.

      Also, GET OUT NEXT WEEK OR SOONER, YOUR EX-FRIEND IS A DICK

      Sometimes people grow up and they turn into assholes, it’s NOT YOU. You are growing up into a lovely person who deserves nice friends and a room with a window.

    8. SarcasticFringehead +6

      That guy is an asshole, and I hope you can disentangle yourself posthaste. I am very familiar with the “everything that goes wrong in interpersonal relationships is my fault” feeling, and it is terrible. And even if he is upset about changing timetables, etc., (a) that’s not your fault, and (b) the way to deal with it would be to calmly say, “hey, beatriz, I’m upset about [x], can we work this out?” instead of being a passive-aggressive (or aggressive-aggressive) shitbag. Good luck!

    9. eegghh +5

      Its ok to say that someone was a good friend and a terrible roommate, btw. I have friendships that started out very close but never really recovered from living together. Its a very hard thing to share space with another human. It might be helpful to let yourself and him out of the blame entirely and just chalk it up to incompatibility? If you think he’s a good person, and you are a good person, you could be two good people bad at being roommates or good as roommates to different kinds of people.

      Friend breakups happen. If there are a LOT of similarities between the two you could always spend some time trying to break that down and think about if there’s anything you want to do differently in the future. You can’t control anyone else but there’s always an opportunity to ask yourself what you learned. Maybe it’s something like, put it all in writing even with friends” maybe it’s something like, “speak up, instead of swallowing the small stuff for so long it all comes out in one big rush later” maybe it’s, “don’t be friends with jerks, I know how to spot one now”.

      One of the things that I’ve learned over my life is that I’m not to everyone’s taste. Of my 10 plus roommates I’v had about 3-4 good ones, 3-4 bumpy roommates and 3 really awful ones. I’ve also had roommates start out great and turn bad, and roommates who’ve started out bad and gotten better through talking. That’s life. Some of my bosses have adored me, some have not, and in all those instances I was the same person. So, forgive yourself. You are you, and you matter to you and you have to put yourself first, and you are doing the best you can, and if you screwed up a bit, it still took two people to get there. If you ask yourself, “did I have good intentions?” and the answer is “yes- I wish it would have worked out but I needed to save my sanity”, not, “nope I wanted him to be screwed on housing to stick it to him”, then that’s all you need to know.

  108. EmElBee +6

    Are there any LA Toasties going to see Natasha Leggero, Janeane Garofalo and Maria Bamford tonight at the Ace? I have a ticket, but am going by my lonesome. It would be fun to meet up with peeps before the show!

    OR…are there any LA Toasties going to see Paul F Tompkins on Saturday?

    As you might surmise, I am the weirdo amongst my friends who likes comedy shows.

      1. EmElBee +2

        This weekend is sooo not typical of my life, but I can pretend it is!

        I’m new to the city and am definitely looking to meet new people…so…can we be friends? Is there some sort of secret LA Toast club that I’m not privy to?

        1. middlemarch +1

          I don’t know, but I’m hoping there is? I’m realizing that my soul needs non-law-school friends pretty desperately. I’ll ask in the link roundup tomorrow!

      1. EmElBee +2

        Oh man, awesome!

        I was really going for Maria Bamford on Friday, and she was a delight as always, but all the comics were great. It’s been a while since I’ve seen Janeane Garofalo and she did this free-form thing that went from why you should have your Extra Care card out at CVS to talking about the plot to kill Julius Caesar. Fortune Feimster, who I didn’t really know of before, was the emcee and she was freaking hilarious. It was also kind of surreal because I was sitting next to Breckin Meyer and his wife. Just your standard Friday night, watching some funny ladies with Travis from Clueless.

        PFT was just as perfect as I hoped he’d be. The show was a live version of “No You Shut Up,” so there was the additional fun of puppets. Racist squirrel puppets. And at the end, he did a karaoke version of Shania Twain’s “Man, I Feel Like a Woman,” complete with line-dance moves. Made my night.

  109. lesliejroot +14

    Hi Toasts! Earlier this week I got doored while riding my bike and broke two ribs. I’m doing okay but feeling very sad about it today. I need to call the lady who did it and tell her we have to file a report with the DMV because I’m injured, but my husband wants to wait to talk to her until we have a lawyer so we can be sure to get her insurance to cover it (although dooring a cyclist is a ticketable offense in California, apparently insurance companies usually try to blame the cyclist so they don’t have to pay for it) and I got taken from my university clinic to the ONE hospital in the area that’s out-of-network and I’m going to run out of my Vicodin on Sunday and everything is terrible and gross. And apparently I was supposed to call the cops when it happened, but I didn’t know that and also all I wanted was to get home and lie down because I was in agony. So now I kind of feel like I don’t deserve to get my medical bills paid, because I Did It Wrong, which I know is dumb, but still. It happened in Oakland, which means we would have been waiting a million years for the incredibly overworked police to get there.

    1. InsertCoolNameHere +5

      I am so sorry this happened to you! Nothing else to say other then sending you warm happy vibes. I hope your recovery is not too treacherous!

    3. mmsees +9

      I’m sorry this happened to you! Sending healing vibes. Worrying about legalities in the case of getting hit by a car is a close second to worrying about actual injuries.

      SF bike coalition (https://www.sfbike.org/) has a decent amount of information on bicycle law/resources for what to do if you get hit/etc – a lot of the info is common sense but I found it helpful when my bike was stolen. The East Bay bike coalition also appears to have similar info – https://bikeeastbay.org/ Both have lists of bike friendly lawyers if you do go that route.

    4. SmrtCookie +10

      I’m sorry that happened to you, you absolutely deserve to have your medical bills paid for! They really should teach what to do if you get hit by a car in some class that everyone has to take because I never know either. I just got hit the other week (everyone is fine) immediately afterwords called my parents to see if I handled it correctly. I’m in my 30s.

      1. lesliejroot +6

        Haha, yeah, they should. Also, it’s amazing how when something like that happens my first reaction (as a woman, I guess?) is to feel terrible about how I’m inconveniencing everyone and it’s not this poor lady’s fault that she doored me and this is so embarrassing, etc. There were three other women who stopped to help and I’m pretty sure at least one of them asked if I wanted to call the police, and I said no because I didn’t want to make a scene. Ugh. Next time I’m a bystander (or, god forbid, the driver) in a scenario like this I’m definitely taking it on myself to call the police.

        Glad you are okay!

        1. mmsees +5

          A couple of weeks ago my dude got (very minorly!) hit by a car in Oakland and it turned out that it was this little old lady who was freaking out about hitting someone. He ended up basically comforting her and apologizing (though he had the right of way in that situation). He was physically fine, luckily, so he didn’t have to worry about hospital bills or anything (though his bike was damaged), but it was still an absurd situation.

        2. alder_tree +4

          I once saw a woman get right-hooked right in front of me. I made sure she was okay and gave her my name and number (if she needed a witness) and also the name and number of a lawyer I like….and also a hug.

    5. walrathem +7

      They are used to people coming to them later because of shock or not knowing how things were supposed to go and she should have known this and her insurance would have demanded that she file the report.

      You shouldn’t need a lawyer because this is the sort of thing your insurance company is for. If you submit for any of the costs from your injury to your insurance you can tell them that this other person’s insurance should cover it.

      What a horrible thing to have happen! I hope you feel better soon.

    7. alder_tree +3

      Gah! That sucks so bad.

      I wish you lived in Portland, I’d know exactly which lawyer to recommend, he specializes in “I was on a bicycle and I got hurt and it wasn’t my fault.” Do you want me to ask him if he can recommend someone in/near Oakland?

      1. etcetc99 +2

        I wonder if we had the same lawyer?! Used to be a professional cyclist turned bike advocacy lawyer??

        Anyway, YES, consult a lawyer. Your health (and the future possible ramifications of this collision) is extremely important. A lawyer will fight for YOU. Your insurance company will focus on making a profit.

        1. alder_tree +2

          To be fair, there are a number of bicycle-related lawyers in Portland. The one I’ve used (and then, when after I got my settlement and it was over, friended on facebook, since we had mutual friends anyway) is Mark Ginsberg. I don’t think he was ever a professional cyclist, but I do know that while he was in undergrad he worked at the bike shop owned by Sheldon Brown. They were in email contact up until days before he passed away.

    8. AbigMess +2

      I’m so sorry this happened to you and I hope you are on the mend! take care of your body and be careful with those drugs!

  110. Fake name goes here +18

    My sister-in-law told me a couple days ago that her ex-bf raped her last week. I am so sad that this happened to her, and so, so ANGRY at him and at our society which gives her no real recourse. (There are details of their relationship which would lead to her not being taken seriously, and her personality is such that it would be easy for someone to believe that she was just making accusations out of vindictiveness.) She is afraid to even tell her mother, because she thinks her mother will be angry ~at her~.

  111. LaxMom +5

    This was week two of classes for me and it was tough. Vent ahead.

    I am really not feeling my antidepressants work for me, and my life is ramping up (lax, job, school) and every time i can’t work up to functioning 100% I start to berate myself more. I was supposed to up my meds every day but the psych never called in the increase. At this level, any time I’m in a slightly warm room (like, a swing dance intro lesson), I sweat through my bra and shirt within minutes. Who wants to dance with someone who’s soaked through?
    Also I got my thyroid test results and I fucking hate when the office just says “oh, they are normal”. Mail me the damn results, I paid for them, don’t just pat me on the head with that. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME THEN??
    On top of that, I have started waking up so sore in the mornings in my wrists and ankles I can’t open juice bottles. I thought it was overdoing it 3 weeks ago but it’s continuing. I’m just so fed up.

    Yesterday was a ‘kids go to dad’s house’ day. By the time they go I’ve been full-time mom for 11 days and I literally fall asleep at 7 pm I’m so wrung out.

    Okay, so I’m trying not to cry typing this out. Dammit. The meds are supposed to help. I’m NOT supposed to have to sleep from 7 pm to 8 and still be tired at 3 pm.
    Also they didn’t process my paycheck and I have $30 until the next check in 2 weeks, which means mom and dad will be paying for my groceries again.
    I really feel like I am not being a grown up well.

    But….week two of classes! It has been night and day between work and school. People in the department stop and welcome me and actually.care.about.me. Ask if I need anything, how the adjustment is going. Offer to help with research. Comment on my challenging coursework choices. They like my powerpoints. It’s like I’m a contributing human. And then M,W,F I go to work and I’m in zombie land again. And I’ve even had something productive to do at work, but ugh.
    It must be good for me to be in school, because while I was taking a break from homework on Wed. to watch agent carter with my girl, she kept saying, “Mom, you’re doing it again. You’re smiling.”

    She has a science fair contest tomorrow, she’s with dad, I won’t go (it stresses her) . That and the two boys situation is bumming me out.
    I could go to a mixer at the art museum today but I’m exhausted and don’t have the money to do that and the dance tomorrow. Also I’m having a bad hair day. I should work out but again, I just want to sleep all the time. This isn’t fair. I have to take these stupid meds, the least they could do is work.

    1. laurenipsum +3

      Is it possible the meds just need more time to kick in? (Not sure how long you’ve been on them.)

      I’m sorry everything is so hard 🙁 I’m glad you’re enjoying school though. How are the boys doing? (If you don’t want to talk about it, feel free to ignore)

      Also, my dr said they think the “normal” range for thyroid is actually not as wide as they think it is, and she put me on a v small dose even though I was in “normal,” and it seems to be doing something? At least, when I forgot to fill my rx for a stupidly long time (weeks), my period got all jacked up, and the re-stabilized when I went back on. So *something* is happening. Anyway maybe worth a second opinion, if you think it’s worth pursuing thyroid in particular.

      Last idea that I’ll throw out completely unsolicited: is it possible you’re starting menopause?

        1. LaxMom +2

          Well, I’ve had the depression forever, and I’ve been off/on AD’s for almost 6 years now, this one in particular I’ve been on most of a year? maybe longer? It just seems to be getting less and less effective.
          Period is the same, regular, regularly awful, nothing new. Ovulation is happening, or at least my body is faking it well (I went through a lot of not-ovulating cycles in my 30’s so I do have something to compare that to). Women in my family hit menopause at 55? I’ve got 9 years or so. So maybe it’s perimenopause, but I’d expect some other hormone drama and I’m not having anything out of the ordinary.

          I’ve had people suspect lupus, MS, thyroid, but most of that was pre-divorce and I had a whole bunch of weird symptoms and autoimmune issues then. (which I later learned was common for psychological abuse victims). I’m just.so.tired.
          Again, it’s not like I’m stressed or anything!

          The boy with the broken hand took a shower yesterday and forgot to put the aircast back on, was in a lot of pain before I got to my school and saw his message (thank god my mom went and took it to him). The older boy I think isn’t getting the job he wanted, I stress about him at his dad’s all the time.
          I haven’t heard anything from CPS but I do have my counselor checking with boy’s counselor to see if it actually went that far or not (I’ll know Wed., I think). Also HS boy has started getting college intro letters and is checking the mail all the time, he loves it. The swarthmore letter was hysterical!!

  112. popelizbet +1

    My rotator cuff surgery got approved, which is great, but I am really nervy about it, and in a lot of pain until it happens, and stressed trying to do ALL THE THINGS at work because I know from experience that my supervisor is useless in getting anything I ask her to do done when I’m out (or in, really, but that’s a rant for another day) and aaaaaaaaa.

    2. LaxMom +2

      shoulder pain sucks because there is just NO way to get comfortable. Hopefully the surgery will be just the thing to get you on the road to recovery.
      It’s not fair to you that you feel you have to do everything before you take sick time. Just because it’s planned time off doesn’t mean it’s not sick time. Can you treat your time out like a teacher would, and instead of pre-doing all the things, just have a “lesson plan” for the “sub”, so that all your boss has to do is follow the list for each day?

      1. popelizbet +2

        Unfortunately not: I’m a lawyer, so most of the things that can be monitored without me are monitored by my paralegal. I will have to make phone calls and respond to emails, sick or not. The things I need to do are the things that require a lawyer to do, and after trusting her last time to do three (just three) lawyer things and having her completely blow it off (she’s getting around this weekend to a thing I asked her to do in November) I just don’t trust her to do any of my stuff that I definitely won’t be able to do until I’m back in the office. Because she won’t do it, despite all the good intentions in the world. So I’d rather go into my getting well time knowing that the list I made today is done and all I have to deal with is a few time sensitive calls and emails than worry over whether she’s doing what I tried to delegate.
        tl;dr it sucks being the only associate attorney.

        1. LaxMom +1

          Being a lawyer is a different level of responsibility altogether. I can see why it would be important to get everything done ahead of time. I’m sorry she bailed on you so horribly the last time!

          Good luck with your surgery. I hope it goes smoothly and your time off does, too.

  113. bookwormV +23

    After seeing many comments yesterday about hate-reading magazines for rich people, I spotted The Lady in the supermarket today and prompty bought it. Highlights:

    – There is a letter from a man who has spent most of his life farming in Kenya and Zimbabwe (he also uses the phrase “colonial Africa”, which feels awkward and also like it’s the 20s) and having a male-orientated and erratic social life; consequently, “going to smart lunch and dinner parties in Dorset” where he now lives made him feel out of his depth. Then he read the Modern Manners column when he found a copy of The Lady at his stepson’s house, borrowed some back issues, and has learned some useful lessons for dealing with tricky social situations.

    – One letter-writer claims that “My belief has always been that the only proper place for rice is in a pudding”.

    – Hard-hitting journalism: one of the cover stories is “Cats vs Dogs: Which is best?”.

    – One of the columnists went to see Hamilton (worlds colliding!) “Hamilton, the musical, uses mostly rap to tell the story, with extraordinarily inventive, catchy music. I doubt it will ever make its way to London, given that it’s essentially the story of the American Revolution, and let’s face it, that didn’t go so well for us over in England.”

    – There are adverts for things like fur storage, oriental rug repair, and an eight-seat box at the Royal Albert Hall for hire.

    – The job vacancies section is … interesting. Lots of requests for housekeepers/nannies. Includes sentences like “This is a formal but jolly Household, where experience with fine clothing and antiques is a must”. One particularly terrifying one is looking for an “Energetic and smiley housekeeper with loads of experience” for a country home, which is home only to two Labradors during the week, but “When the family are at home the house is run like a hotel and the housekeeper is required to work long hours and to exceptional standards”. Requirements/job description: “Animal and children lover, non-smoker, driver, laundry of delicate fabrics, immaculate ironing, serving at dinner parties, family cooking, basic security, managing deliveries, shopping for groceries. Super references required”. I feel tired just reading it.

    1. jmstevenson76 +16

      I wonder how long they labored over putting together just the right description for the advert? At what point in the conversation did one or the other of them say, “A hotel! Yes! That’s it! The house must feel like a hotel! Let me put that down.”

  114. spring chickens +8

    hot bath thread!
    Do you have a favorite kind thing to put in the bath when you want to soak for a while in the bath and relax?

    As long as it doesn’t have clumps of little things in it that will choke up the bath drain (looking at you, Lush), I’d love to hear about it! Extra points for being natural, not chemical.

    Lately I’ve been using a sake-based moisturizing liquid that you add to your bath water, and it is pleasant but not amazing and too pricey to really justify. I’ve heard nice things about just adding spices to your bathwater, especially spices that are too old to use for cooking, e.g. mace, and that sounds pleasant too but a little uneconomical. I’d like something that is moisturizing, smells nice, and would be nice to marinate in for a bit while reading a book in the bath. Thoughts?

    1. +3

      It isn’t moisturizing, but I put a few drops of essential oils in (don’t overdo it, it is very unpleasant) and it’s lovely. My sister also gave me a milk/oatmeal/lavender bath thing, which is all natural and quite lovely to bathe in.

    2. tabwootwo +3

      Lavender Batherapy! It’s lovely and a little crunchy but not full of bits of anything. I have gotten into a hot bath of this stuff and literally yelped with joy. It is so relaxing and lovely. My drugstore used to carry it but stopped so I bought a huge container on Amazon and it’s lasted a long time. It’s toted as natural- I dunno what everything is, but the EWG Skin Deep rating is not alarming.

    3. Es_Petal +2

      I got some of this on offer recently and I really like it – smells like tiger balm. It’s meant to be magic for muscle aches etc and I am sceptical but it smells nice.
      https://www.loremcare.co.uk/index.php?option=com_…

      I do use it with lime bubbles as well, or minty ones if I have them. I also recently had some rosemary ‘dead sea salts’ stuff, which was nice.

  116. roisindubh211 +6

    Active toasties, any recommendations for a sports bra that doesn’t have a racer back? I don’t need super strong support because i only do yoga, but I’m an E cup which presents difficulties. I find racerbacks hurt my neck and I’m a huge wuss.

    2. brujaja +2

      Check out Title Nine- they have lots of options! I’ve been very happy with my several Moving Comfort brand sports bras. (34 F, I feel your pain!)

      1. alder_tree +1

        That will depend a lot on her band size. I find that Title Nine doesn’t carry anything in a 30 band, even though several of the brands they carry come in a 30. I’m a 30 E/F/G (depending on the bra/time of month) so it can be frustrating.

    4. alder_tree +1

      Does a criss-cross back bother you? I love Lululemon’s Energy bra. I also have some bras from Athleta that I really like, and from looking at their website, they currently have some that have adjustable, non-racerback straps.

      But I’m scratching my head as to how a racer back could hurt your neck. Do you mean the really high-up ones? None of the support should be coming from that spot, so they shouldn’t pull at all.

      1. Roisindubh211 +1

        OP here
        I’ve never tried a crisscrossing bra actually, do they not come up as high?
        I don’t think it’s putting weight on my neck exactly, but having anything on the muscles connecting my neck to my shoulders/back makes it feel hard to breathe for some reason. I struggle with heavy necklaces too.

        1. alder_tree +2

          Then it’s possible a criss-cross bra would still bother you, unfortunately.

          I would look specifically for bras that hook in the back and are sold by band/cup size, in addition to not having racer backs, so that you can make sure you’re getting enough support from the band instead of the straps.

          I’m curious what your band size is though–I’m a UK 30E (ish) and find that I can fit into plenty of Lululemon’s bras, but that for running I have to go to a specialty bra shop and the bra is nearly suffocating, but I’m not bouncing, so it’s a trade-off. But a (for instance) 38E is a much larger cup size and you’ll need more coverage even for yoga just so you don’t, like, hit yourself in the face with boobs during downward-facing dog. (I’ve had to gently move mine out of the way for poses before, lol.)

    5. Spewingllamas +1

      How do you feel about ordering your bras online from England? Bravissimo only had 4 styles last time I looked, but only one was racer back.

      1. Roisindubh211 +1

        OP here, I should have started with the fact that I live in England, right near the main headquarters of bravissimo in fact! I have a few of their sports bras and find they seem to have no mid point between crushingly tight and too big to stay on. I’ll have another look though as I have been looking into the recommendations and shipping to the UK would be a nuisance.

  117. mechabear +26

    I am heading home shortly to break up with my boyfriend. We got in a stupid fight last night, and it made me realize this has been building for a while. My mom said it seemed like I’m working hard to be happy, and she’s right. I love him, it’s been a great two years, but I know he wants to get married. And at one point I wanted to get married too. But… I’m just not sure. I’m 25, he’s the first serious relationship I’ve had, and I’m not ready to settle down. I feel like I’m staring down the barrel of the rest of my life, and I’m not ready to make that decision. He’s going to be devastated, and I’m going to miss him so much. And I know I’m going to be leaving him in a bad spot financially (I made most of the $$ in our relationship), but… I’m relieved. I’m relieved to be looking for my own place, and not having a dog, and not smelling his vape smoke all the time, and not having to compromise. But it’s going to be so, so hard. I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.

    Is anyone else in a similar situation? I will be composing an epic playlist, so please, tell me your favorite breakup songs. Recommendations for comforting movies welcomed as well. I have a feeling there will be a lot of crying in the next few days.

    Edited to add: Do you live in the Austin area? Do you want to be friends? Turns out after 3 years here I still do not have very many friends at all, and I would like to make some.

    1. brujaja +4

      Oh, that’s a tough position to be in. I’m actually in the sort of opposite position. A breakup is a big adjustment- esp after someone has been part of your life for quite a while.

      I hope you can take comfort in the knowledge that you’re doing the right thing for everyone involved.

      I’ve been listening to sad playlists via the 8 track music app.

    2. milleroni +3

      I am in Austin, and would love to make friends that are not coworkers! (And I am sorry, that sounds dreadful but also like a very right call to make). I do not know what the right way to trade contact info is, though.

    3. ware_telemakos +2

      I was in a semi similar place recently, although somewhat younger.

      I graduated college and was long distance with my bf of 4.5 years and was just…tired of our relationship being so much work. It did not help that we were both struggling with depression, although only I was really treating mine at all.

      So I feel you on really loving the person and feeling like you’re leaving them in a bad place, but also being relieved to end it. Something my therapist said that I found very helpful during the worst parts was this:

      She pointed out that this was my first big break up from a serious relationship, so I didn’t (emotionally) know I would be OK afterward / that I would stop feeling awful eventually. I didn’t have the experience to be able to predict what kind of emotional cycle I might go through. And that made it scarier and harder than it might otherwise be. But I can say now, six months after the big breakup, I am in fact, OK again. And dating casually, which I hadn’t really done before, and enjoying that, and honestly, really quite happy that I did end the relationship, even though I’m still sometimes sad and miss him.

      So it gets better! And in the mean time, indulge yourself lots. I’m not in the Austin area, but I’m sending you good vibes.

      1. alder_tree +6

        “She pointed out that this was my first big break up from a serious relationship, so I didn’t (emotionally) know I would be OK afterward / that I would stop feeling awful eventually. I didn’t have the experience to be able to predict what kind of emotional cycle I might go through.”

        THIS. My first really hard breakup, I remember one day short after, I was crying harder than I can ever remember crying before that point, and started panicking because I didn’t know if I could stop and/or if I would only feel worse–it was like staring into a pit and not being able to see the bottom.

        But it does have a bottom. You will not feel terrible forever.

        1. mechabear +2

          Thanks, that is helpful to hear. It feels really, really terrible right now, and it’s hard to believe it will get better, even as much as I know it has to, at some point..

    4. caatness +5

      I am cringing on your behalf. That’s difficult. But it’s wise and compassionate of you to be able to be truthful right now and to not hold out until things become acrimonious or until there is any more invested in the relationship.

      I am in Austin and happy to hang out with a fellow Toastie. I am new-ish here myself and somehow the art of making friends as a grown-up outside of professional circles eludes me.

      1. mechabear +3

        Yeah, my friends were mostly my coworkers…and then I got laid off, and didn’t keep in contact because I’m kind of bad at that. My email is mechabear42 at gmail…maybe we can plan a mini Toast meetup.

    5. eegghh +5

      Good luck! I’d very much recommend reading getting past your breakup by susan elliot, which I recommend to everyone. It’s just helpful with the, “well shit what do I do now?” stuff

      Marriage is a huge deal. If some part of you is just feeling like, “man all I want to is to wake up on Sunday all by myself and do all my own stuff”- then I’d say, do it! It’s great. I loved living on my own and did it for many years and it’s lovely. There’s plenty of time for marriage or not later on. It’s kind of amazing when you get out of something that’s not quite right how free you feel and how fast.

      In the meantime, watch all the ladies on their own movies- I like to wallow with related content so I’d do Sliding Doors, Wild, In Her Shoes, Under the Tuscan Sun, The Break-Up, Prime. Eternal Sunshine. Ooh then when you are ready to feel a bit better definitely watch Something New and Magic Mike, both of them.

      After that I’d binge on anything british and period. Bletchley Circle, Poirot, Miss Fisher (not technically british), Orphan Black, The Buccaneers, Cranford, etc.

      For music I turned into a Jessie Ware puddle during my last breakup and it served me well. I still like her even now, so that’s a strong recommend.

      1. mechabear +2

        If some part of you is just feeling like, “man all I want to is to wake up on Sunday all by myself and do all my own stuff”

        That is exactly the feeling I was having, but it is so hard to explain that. It wasn’t a bad relationship, but it was just…there. All the time, coloring all my decisions. He wants to talk tomorrow to ‘understand what’s happening’ and I have no idea what else to say. I don’t want to hurt him further, and I don’t want this to be anymore acrimonious than it already is, and I don’t know how to make him understand why I did it. I know to him it appears like I changed my mind out of the blue, but I don’t want to say, I think I knew you were wrong for me long term for a while, but was denying it because I didn’t want to break up. Because that’s just as hurtful. I don’t want him to think I’ve been miserable for months, because I haven’t. I’ve been happy, overall. It’s just not enough for forever, though.

        1. eegghh +6

          Just to be clear, you don’t have to meet up with him if you don’t want to. “I want to breakup” is a complete sentence. You don’t have to explain the why to him. I think if you do want to explain it, just explain that you need to see who you are on your own, and he deserves someone who isn’t always thinking, “man I want to have my own separate life right now”.

          Not a bad relationship but not the relationship you want is hard to leave. Its hard because you basically always have one foot there and one foot out the door and it makes you feel nuts, like, “why am I rejecting this good person? They’re so good!”

          He’s allowed to be be hurt. You are allowed to not explain it well and he’s allowed to be upset and blame you. I don’t think you can stop him from having his feelings by saying a perfect thing.

          Its hard to let go of someone you are intimate like this with. Of course you want it to last forever, and it’s so sad when it doesn’t. It’s just sad. Give yourself space to be sad and don’t take on the burden of taking care of him after the breakup- he’s going to be ok, and he’ll be ok faster if you leave him alone to lick his wounds after all the logistics are settled.

          I really believe it’s better to live a whole life alone than be with someone who is pretty good but you are always questioning. I’ve been in both and doing your own thing is brilliant. What I always tell my friends who are wondering, “do I leave him? He’s ok but….” is that you should leave that person, vow to be on your own for a year and see what happens. If you give yourself a year to not throw yourself into any relationships you might find so much growing in the space that relationship used to occupy. It can be sort of miraculous.

        2. Ethylbenzene +3

          I’m with eegghh, don’t see him. He thinks he’ll feel better if he understands why, or gets “closure,” but he won’t, and it’ll suck for both of you. Or worse, he thinks he can talk you out of it. Don’t see him for a while and let him heal. He’ll have to do his own healing and tell his own story of what happened and find his own closure, which is a concept I hate with the fiery burning passion of a thousand suns.

        3. spring chickens +2

          I actually think it’s nice that you’re meeting with him, even if ultimately break-ups usually aren’t things that can be “explained” to anyone’s satisfaction — they are just feelings one has that this needs to happen. But there are ways to break up kindly.

          In this (as most cases), there is something very nice about meeting one more time if the other person asks for it — just make sure that you don’t stay too long, and you don’t try too hard to explain. You don’t want to get into a situation where one of you is trying to convince the other — that just leads to bad feelings because it won’t work in either direction — it just won’t. But seeing each other and saying a goodbye-to-this-era-of-us that is brief (as in, 20 min. tops) can be really helpful and cathartic. There’s something about feeling the emotion of the breakup while at the same time as looking at the other person’s face, and knowing it’s final — it can help the change sink in a lot faster on a gut level and help the other person process the change. Good for you if you decide to do that for him. Just be sure not to linger! Good luck.

    6. RoseCamelia +6

      You’re doing the right thing. Yes, it will be hard. But it will be right. Go you! ::Toasthugs::

      And I get to Austin regularly. Alert me if you’re interested in meeting with someone twice your age who really does see you as her peer: rmcd1974 [at] hotmail [dot] com.

    7. CleverManka +6

      Ooof. That’s a rough place. You are doing the thing you need for yourself right now and that’s a good thing even though it sucks right now.

      The album that got me through one of the roughest breakups ever is nearly as old as you are, and it’s not about heartbreak, really, but the overall mood of Sugar’s Copper Blue worked for me for the three months I spent recovering.

    8. MilesofMountain +6

      I have been in a similar position, at a similar age, where he was fairly emotionally and financially dependent on me and I felt terrible dumping him. One thing I found really important was to let myself be angry at him. At first I felt like I didn’t have the right to be angry or sad because I was the one who dumped him, and he seemed to be having more trouble with it emotionally. I kind of mentioned that to a friend and she rightly told me that that was bullshit, that I was also losing something and someone that had been very important to me and that managing his emotions was no longer my business. So, just in case you’re feeling weird about being upset or angry, I’ll pass that advice on because it’s good advice.

      And then I listened to Angus and Julia Stone’s Walk It Off a lot.

      1. mechabear +6

        That is good advice. No longer having to deal with his feelings is a huge relief. I knew he would be upset and angry, but somehow I didn’t think that would downgrade to deliberately hurtful so quickly. So he’s made the ‘being angry’ part somewhat easier. And, as another friend, reminded me, he is a grown-ass man, and he can handle his life without me.

    9. mechabear +3

      Thank you for all your comments. It has been hugely helpful and comforting to hear perspectives from outside the maelstrom.

  119. Beakses +7

    Toasties- does anyone have any resources about the current state of the science on Zika and pregnancy that is 100% science and 0% panicked yelling? Ideally full of facts and “this is what we know at this time” and minimal, ideally zero worried speculation?

    The bits I have read that actually go into the numbers about Brazil make it seem less absolutely alarming than the media is making it seem (like, if I did my math right the reported rate of the birth defect that is supposed to be associated with Zika is about the same in Brazil post-Zika as it is in the US now? But I have no idea if I did the math right. The WHO was being very side-eye-y towards Brazil about the link between Zika and the birth defect yesterday), but I would like to read math done by people who actually know what they are doing.

    I am at the “positive pregnancy test” stage of my pregnancy in a region of the US that could very well have Zika in it at some point during my pregnancy, so my emotional bandwidth for wading through the panicking is basically zero. And given that the usual response to “this might be a risk to pregnant women” is “absolutely don’t do it, no matter what the negative consequences of inaction are and no matter how staggeringly small the risk!” I just don’t know how to evaluate things right now. I need the “Expecting Better” chapter on Zika, please.

    (Also, I understand if you are a person that is worried about this, but I would really prefer that responses stick to science rather than worrying, because the worrying is emphatically not helping me right now.)

    1. gracefruits +3

      The media is so bad at science, particularly around health! The Director of the National Institues of Health has a good blog post that balances the fact that yes, there is a lot that we don’t know, here are some things we know: http://directorsblog.nih.gov/2016/01/26/zika-viru…

      My take: yes, there’s a lot we don’t know, but also we’re mostly freaking out a lot about a risk that isn’t that big compared to a lot of other risks, just because we don’t understand it. If I were pregnant I wouldn’t travel to the places where Zika is prevalent. However, I would try (hopefully successfully but who knows) not to worry about it spreading across the US in the immediate future. When researchers talk about things spreading quickly, they’re usually still talking years. And IF we start seeing Zika across the US, and IF we can firmly connect it to bad outcomes, which is a ways away, one thing this country has done reasonably well at is deal with mosquitos. We will find ways to reduce the mosquito population and protect individuals.

    2. lesliejroot +2

      Sending good thoughts! Part of the problem is that we really just don’t have enough data yet, but I found this article pretty reasoned and scientific, and I agree with you that it seems quite likely it’s not as big a thing as the media is making it. http://www.pbs.org/newshour/updates/zika-virus-fa…

      Also, it mentions that as far as we understand, the pathways by which these viruses cause microcephaly are really in the first trimester. So if you are already pregnant, you’ll likely be well out of the woods before mosquito season. And in any case, very good mosquito bite prevention is absolutely possible, with a combination of managing your environment and using repellents if needed. My husband and I treated our clothes with permethrin before a trekking trip in Japan during buggy season (there’s endemic encephalitis there) and we didn’t get a single bite. You and your pregnancy will be OK.

    3. spring chickens +4

      From what I understand, the only cases of Zika in the US right now are people who recently traveled to Brazil or the Caribbean, caught it there, then flew to the US. And even of those cases, there is only a small handful. In other words, the disease is not currently being transmitted by mosquitoes here. And you are currently in the first trimester, and the first trimester is the most crucial one for this according to the accounts I’ve read. You’ll soon be out of the first trimester. So you are fine.

      If you want to make yourself feel even better, you can do things to avoid getting bitten by mosquitoes. Repellent, long clothing, sleeping in a mosquito net, etc. But that is probably overkill — unless you actually notice some mosquitoes in your vicinity. Even then, you’ll probably be protecting yourself against mosquitos, never a bad thing, but not reducing any Zika risk simply because there isn’t a Zika risk here. In short it won’t hurt to take a few anti-mosquito precautions if you see mosquitos, but odds are HUGELY hugely hugely in your favor that regardless of what you do, you won’t be getting Zika at any point during in this pregnancy.

      congrats on the positive pregnancy!

    4. Beakses +2

      Thanks ya’ll! I had completely missed the first trimester part, so that is nice to know!

      Also, if anyone knows of a pregnancy forum that has banned talking about Zika, let me know- I can tolerate many things, but the “is it safe for me to travel to (place I live, like, all the time)” questions make me want to throw my computer across the room.

    5. actualmeg +2

      I just read an article on NPR comparing the effectiveness of different types of mosquito repellents, in case you’re interested! As someone wary of dousing myself with DEET, I was pleased to see that a lemon-eucalyptus-oil-based spray as the second most effective product tested. (There’s a little bit of “oh no, Zika!” text at the beginning of the article, but I recommend just scrolling past that and looking at the graphs.)

  120. cornpancake +3

    Hi! I hope it’s not too late for some wise people to see this! I am on a very low-dose birth control pill (Levora, also known as Altavera) and most months I bleed early, like at the start of week three of the active pills instead of on the week of inactive pills. My doctor said it’s fine and that I’m still protected but I just……don’t understand how that works. I can’t find as much online as I wish I could, everything just says, talk to your doctor. I don’t want to switch to a higher-dose pill because I’m not getting any other side effects and I love that part of it. Am I at risk of becoming pregnant and/or why is this happening and is there anything I can do to regulate my period short of switching pills? I get it basically for two weeks now, although it’s super light.

    1. Ethylbenzene +4

      Short answer is: your pills work the whole time even if you get unexpected withdrawal bleeds and even during the placebo pills. If you’re experiencing bleeding you don’t like, a change in your pill may fix it — even though all the combination pills are pretty much the same, bodies aren’t so you may react differently to different pills.

      Long answer is here.

    2. Ethylbenzene +4

      Oh ps — all combined pills are basically low dose nowadays. Also if the link below doesn’t work (formatting html on your phone js a pain), go to Scarleteen.com and search for “birth control pill” and click on “how do birth control pills really work?”

    3. aravisthequeen +3

      Okay! Like Ethyl said, you are protected the entire time, regardless of what week you are in and whether you are bleeding or not.

      The period you experience on BC pills is not a “true” period, but a dummy period caused by a drop in progesterone levels since the placebo pills contain no hormones. What may have happened to you is that the dose in the third week of your pills is too low for your body, causing bleeding during the third week AND fourth week of pills. You are definitely still protected, regardless. However, there probably isn’t a whole lot you can do besides switch pills, sorry. You can ask your doctor for a different type of low-dose pill and it may be that different types of pills affect your body in different ways, allowing you to not have a 2-week period (because omg awful).

    4. Es_Petal +4

      Higher-dose pill doesn’t necessarily mean more side effects – or any. I am on a high-dose one because on a lower-dose one my periods stopped and I put on loads of weight. On another low-dose one I became an absolute horror – it was a brilliant contraceptive because I was so massively unpleasant nobody would ever have wanted to sleep with me. On a higher-dose one I have light, almost painless periods and PMT is vastly reduced (I get it some months but nowhere near as bad as I am off the pill or on another type).

  121. Household_Opera +4

    Toasts, I’m going to visit a friend in Miami in just over a month! We’re going to lie on the beach and eat tasty food and relax, and I’m going to pretend that New York winter doesn’t really exist for as long as I’m there. I’ve got a mildly scary work-related deadline to meet at the beginning of March, so this getaway will be a great “I did the thing and now I get to breathe a little” motivator.

    ETA: recommendations for women’s board shorts-style swimwear? I hate pretty much all women’s swimsuits and would just as soon hit the beach wearing something that comes midway down my thighs. I’ve got a pair of actual men’s trunks that I wear with an old racerback bikini top, but that ensemble is showing its age.

    1. viviennestreet +2

      I do not have any recommendations because I am in need of some myself. Board shorts+racerback bikini top sounds exactly like something I’d want to wear.

    2. Beakses +4

      Try Land’s End! I think they’ve basically decided to make every conceivable swimwear sillhouette – they have board shorts, skirts, leggings…

    3. LaxMom +1

      Athleta has a few, in different lengths and fit. And there’s always sierra trading post, but you have to know what brands you like when you shop them.

  122. happysadcat +17

    TOASTSSSSSS. Monday I am starting a new job which is a very short drive from my home. No more 12-hour days! If I never have to take public transport again IN MY LIFE I will have lived successfully.
    Of course, now I’m freaking out because I Might Not Be Good Enough to do this job. I’m telling that voice to shut the hell up.

    1. dancingcorvid +4

      a tiny commute is the BEST commute! Of course you are good enough for this job! You will ROCK THIS JOB! Congrats!

  123. dancingcorvid +5

    Someone talk to me about the new Barbies? I love them and want one of each and I didn’t even play with them when I was a kid.

    1. damanoid +21

      This is an exciting time to be a Barbologist. Mattel has unveiled a butcher’s dozen new Barbies, representing a wide spectrum of body types. For example:
      -Stevedore Barbie has a rangy yet slightly dissipated build from her job as a crane operator, loading and unloading cargo ships in the world’s busiest seaports. (Barbie’s Malibu Dream Shipping Container sold separately.)
      – Luchadora Barbie resembles a fireplug, and cracks walnuts in her bare hands before taking to the ring as “El Fantasma Rosa.”
      -Dystopian Future Barbie has no time for the frivolous fashions and games of the Before Time. You will call her Carnifex Flavia at all times. Attend to her cyberware, meat sack.
      -Steampunk Barbie actually has the exact same body proportions as Classic Barbie, but here they were achieved with a murderously constricting whalebone corset and extensive surgery. Comes complete with sword-parasol and vampire-killing kit; Barbie’s Marylebone Dream Airship sold separately.
      -Non-Euclidean Barbie has no fixed body type, being composed of metamorphic protoplasm that constantly flows and reforms to suit her whim, a bubbling nuclear chaos, the primal unlight illuminating the spaces between worlds, chanting and gibbering blasphemous secrets as she capers and dances in her sacred groves of eternal night.

      1. dancingcorvid +10

        I love you and will follow you anywhere.

        You forgot Kraken Barbie, complete with poseable tentacles, ship ripe for wrecking sold separately? Although she is a very limited edition.

        1. damanoid +11

          Not for long! There is enormous popular demand that Kraken Barbie be added to the main toy line. Collectors everywhere are exhorting Mattel: “Release the Kraken!”

          Contrariwise, there have been numerous complaints that Flatland Barbie is merely a set of instructions explaining how to fold the instruction page into an origami figure. Mattel continues to insist that this toy promotes spatial awareness skills.

  124. silly_goose +5

    Toasties of academia:

    The nonprofit for which I work is considering creating a research director position, responsible for identifying research opportunities related to our healthcare/social services for high-risk populations and coordinating work with academics interested in doing research relevant to our population (not clinical trials, per se, but public health/social science research).

    Two questions:

    (a) The state of the academic job market makes my boss convinced we can scoop up a Ph.D. at cut-rate prices. Feels shady to me. What is a reasonable salary that is respectful of the amount of time and effort early-career public health/social sciences Ph.D.s have put into their careers thus far?

    (b) If we created this position, where should we recruit for it?

    1. LaxMom +1

      Health geographers spring to mind? But I’m in the geography dept., so I’m biased. They’ll know ways to look at epidemiology both visually and statistically.
      I have no ideas on salary, however. Plus I’m in Ohio so any salary here is below-market to begin with.
      I just searched on higheredjobs and this was the 2nd result, and in my city. Does this sound like what you want, in terms of job description?
      https://www.higheredjobs.com/search/details.cfm?J…

    2. actualmeg +1

      I think it partly depends on where you are located, what the cost of living is there, AND what non-salary benefits you can provide. I am generally seeing research job postings that specifically require a PhD starting somewhere in the high 50s and ranging considerably higher depending on the type of work involved and the amount of work experience required (I am in NYC, for the record). But it’s often hard to tell because a lot of the postings will just say “competitive salary,” which, what does that MEAN, how competitive?

      Someone tell me if I am being egregiously wrong here–I’m just basing this on my own periodic job browsing, which I do mainly on Idealist.org. I would maybe poke around there, since they list a lot of nonprofit opportunities.

    1. popelizbet +3

      “Dr.” David James “Homodemons” Manning is going DOWN and I love it. I hope the LGBT center gets the building.

  126. 26hrcharleston +3

    Did Nicole ever share what breed her (achingly adorable) puppy is? My parent’s dog died unexpectedly this week, and the [responsible Canadian] breeder they worked with before is now a dog physical therapist instead. They love big, long-haired dogs, and the daily Sansa pictures make my heart swell with joy.

  127. Spewingllamas +11

    The New Year: I keep trying to stop drinking because 1.) I am grossly overweight. I know that alcohol is empty calories, and drinking always makes me want grilled cheese at 1 a.m. 2.) My religious upbringing. I was taught that alcohol isn’t a sin, drunkenness is. I have pleaded too God for forgiveness as my head pounds many a time since my 21 birthday. 3.) I am self-medicating due to my bipolar, anxiety, and depression. I have enough doctor-prescribed meds, I don’t need this, too. 4.) Wine and beer are expensive (even the boxed varieties add up) 5.) I don’t want my son to remember me by my “silly” weekend moments.
    I am trying, but I am not perfect. I am currently drinking some delicious local coffee stout, and the only other I had this month was some nice chianti during the blizzard. Only cost prohibitive or rare things will mean less drinking overall. Hopefully I will develope such a refined palate I will price myself out.
    Yep. I’m despising and deluding my alcoholic self.

    1. LaxMom +11

      ok, so you’ve only had two drinks out of 31 days this month. That’s 94% not drinking!

      Since you recognize that you’re self medicating, what steps are you going to take the next time you feel that urge? Do you have a replacement coping tool/self care habit that you can substitute?

      You need someone to support you in this, someone like an AA sponsor that you can call whenever you start to feel this way. You don’t deserve to despise yourself, and nobody thinks quitting drinking is easy. (I only know from AA, because that’s what my dad does, and the most helpful thing for him and the others I know was the sponsor part of it, I’m not saying join AA, but they have a good idea in giving you a designated support person.)
      last thought, the other day I was feeling depressed. I thought I would watch tv and knit to get my head centered. What did I watch? Tolstoy. I was knitting and literally wondering to myself, why isn’t this working? I am feeling more depressed than when I started! And then I realized it was 1 am, in January, and I was watching a movie of a Russian Novel, which might as well all be called “really depressing things happen in winter, and we all despair”. The movie was NOT helping my mood any! Gently, is this feeling of disappointment not only caused by your frustration with your actions, but then enhanced by the drinking itself? Knowing that helps me to separate my feelings from the factors that may be causing them, and if I can piece them out, then I can divide and conquer.
      I don’t know much about drinking personally but I do know about depression and meds, and they aren’t easy to navigate at any time. You can ignore anything I’ve said here if it doesn’t fit or yell at me if I’ve overstepped. But you posted late and I wanted you to know you were heard and someone did pay attention.

      1. Spewingllamas +1

        Thank you so much for your reply.
        Unfortunately, my large self has been eating more and crocheting to compensate. I am starting a whole foods diet, so at least I will make healthier choices.
        I’ve also been trying to read and watch light-hearted things, and generally avoid added stress (I say added because I have quit a few stressful situations on top of this going on).
        I have noticed that I am more disappointed with myself when I have only one glass of wine…the once pleasant sense of relaxation is now a sense of self-loathing and anxiety.
        You have not overstepped your bounds, and I appreciate your insights.

  128. janelee

    No worries 😀 I just feel bad sometimes talking about myself and stuff but it's okay. You're super nice and I hope you keep enjoying your tumblr to the utmost of your heart's content