I Am Visiting Nicole Today And By The End of The Weekend Sansa Will Be Mine

by Jaya Saxena · February 18, 2016

The key is Sansa has to willingly want to leave. I can pack as many dog-proof suitcases as I want and bribe TSA security by saying I’m just bringing back a human-sized stuffed animal for my niece, but if Sansa doesn’t want to return with me to New York as my new best friend and main mode of transportation, it won’t work.

First, I endear myself to her. I will cloak myself in the scent of the airplane so that, upon my entrance, her little ears perk up and she thinks to herself “what is that enchanting, foreign smell?” It is me, dear Sansa. There may also be some errant cat hairs on my person, signaling her to the promise of other fuzzy friends if she returns with me at the end of the long weekend.

Nicole’s house is certainly larger than mine, and filed with more people who have already expressed their undying love for this dog queen. I will not let this deter me. My apartment is small but it has much to offer. There are at least two other dogs in my building, and a park at the end of my block where many other dogs gather and socialize. There is also an elevator, which I bet she will be very excited to ride. Our home is cozy but it will be a good home for her, if she will have me, which she absolutely will.

Many would stoop to cheap tricks, like hiding bacon one’s pockets, but I have too much respect for Sansa to believe she would fall for such foolery. No, I will meet Sansa as an equal. We share a love of showers and cheese. We both have squishy, soft faces and toe hair. Yes, I believe we will get along grandly, and by the end of my four days in Utah, she will see the beautiful life I can provide for her. Nicole will say “I understand”, pack us a bag of LaCroix and cheese curd, and fiercely hug us goodbye as we ride off together through the mountains. Life will be good.

Jaya Saxena is a Staff Writer at The Toast.


31 Comments

      2. Vera_Knoop +256

        In my household, we sing this to the cat while slooowly dragging the bath mat on which he lounges across the floor.

  2. LadyPoopjokes +171

    It is important to me that the “sansa content” tag continue to accrue entries. Maybe even just daily lists of all the things she spends her time doing? Or pictures of her nose, uncaptioned and out of context? Just spitballing here.

  3. middlemarch +62

    Glad to know I’m not the only one who regularly concocts fantasies of luring cute dogs over state lines.

  5. Carol +387

    Nicole, do keep an eye on Jaya. She may try to fulfill her nefarious plan. I really want to see Sansa next Monday when I arrive.
    Mom

  7. thedaela +73

    We share a love of showers and cheese. We both have squishy, soft faces and toe hair.

    Does this mean I can come along too?

    1. Heathered +20

      Yeah, I’m not so much in the fanfic or Hamilton Toast branches, but very pro-showers-and-cheese.

  8. crescentlesl +12

    How about that weather right now, eh? You people keep visiting Utah during interesting days.

  11. littlehuntingcreek +24

    I am not above winning a dog’s love through use of bacon and other treats, if that’s what it takes

    2. Unreadaethel +4

      My roommate keeps trying to win my cat’s love through the use of treats. I’ve actually had to ban him from doing this, because she’s fat enough as it is. It’ll never work, anyway. After 3 years, she’s progressed from “open fear and antipathy” to “slow-blinking disinterest.”

      1. FeuerroteZora +7

        By my count, then, that’s only three, maybe four years away from “distrustful tail-swishing while allowing minimal contact.” Don’t crush your roommate’s dream!

        1. Unreadaethel +5

          If I’m out of town and he’s the one feeding her, she’ll sometimes come and sit on the couch next to him out of sheer desperation. He tells me she even let him pet her once (I was at a trade show for an entire week).

  12. mabissam +39

    This is just to say that I have never seen in print or online the name of Dear Editor Nicole’s cat. Just “that garbage cat” on twitter, I think. Or maybe “this bitch”? I can’t remember. I’ll look it up later.

    Anyway, Nicole, just to give you a heads-up that I’ll totally take your cat with me if I ever visit you and I already gave her some presents because I will stoop to that level – you have to with cats. It’s Cat Law.

  14. annabel +29

    We must at least get a montage of the two of you falling in love before she breaks your heart when she makes you realize that you must return to your big city life while she stays in Utah to look after the children.