Throwback Thursday! Sansa stealing James’ newsboy cap on Christmas morning.
This seems like a pretty big deal:
Iraqi engineers involved in building the Mosul dam 30 years ago have warned that the risk of its imminent collapse and the consequent death toll could be even worse than reported.
They pointed out that pressure on the dam’s compromised structure was building up rapidly as winter snows melted and more water flowed into the reservoir, bringing it up to its maximum capacity, while the sluice gates normally used to relieve that pressure were jammed shut.
The Iraqi engineers also said the failure to replace machinery or assemble a full workforce more than a year after Islamic State temporarily held the dam means that the chasms in the porous rock under the dam were getting bigger and more dangerous every day. A contract with an Italian construction firm for carrying out urgent repairs has yet to be signed, but behind-the-scenes negotiations with Baghdad continue.
The engineers warned that potential loss of life from a sudden catastrophic collapse of the Mosul dam could be even greater than the 500,000 officially estimated, as they said many people could die in the resulting mass panic, with a 20-metre-high flood wave hitting the city of Mosul and then rolling on down the Tigris valley through Tikrit and Samarra to Baghdad.
Kate Spade, a success story:
Her first sample was a square bag mocked up in burlap (her supplier was a potato-sack manufacturer she found in the yellow pages) and woven with raffia fringe. She produced a few more samples, all made of bright fabrics, and after brainstorming potential company names (“Olive” was a top contender), settled for “Kate Spade,” a mash-up of her and Andy’s names, although it would later become her own after the two married in 1994.
The duo evolved Brosnahan’s samples into a collection of black nylon bags priced between $100 and $400 and took them to to various trade shows around New York City. The night before her first show, Brosnahan told Forbes, she spent hours moving her black labels with their white “Kate Spade New York” logos from the inside of the bags to the outside after the idea wouldn’t stop nagging her.
A great interview with Mallory:
I really love your All About Women discussion topic, the Happy Feminist. What does ‘Happy Feminism’ mean to you?
It is the topic that was assigned to me when I agreed to do All About Women! I can’t take any credit for it, unfortunately. But the example I use when I talk about things like this is that there’s this character in Lord of the Rings, Tom Bombadil, who is sort of wonderful, and dresses like Father Christmas, and completely holds up the narrative–
I love Tom Bombadil.
Everyone’s super concerned about this horribly dangerous ring and all the terrible things that could happen, and he’s just mildly sinister but incredibly cheerful. He bellows around the forest screaming old songs, and he’s the king of the trees. He’s like, ‘Nice ring you got there, sounds like a real problem!’ and offers no assistance whatsoever. He’s a messy, chaotic figure, and I love that he’s included in the narrative as this guy who’s like, ‘Yup, sounds like a real bad problem, not myproblem.’ Here’s this whimsical, bewildering character, who sometimes decides to be helpful and sometimes decides not to participate. Nobody knows what he’s all about. I find that really fun, and a fun character to channel every now and again in my own life. So yeah, that’s my answer?
This is horrible and sad and opens with the murder of a kid:
Charles is one of 75 children whose remains lie buried, unmarked and virtually forgotten in a pair of mass graves at an Etobicoke cemetery. They were drops in the wave of British home children, sent in droves from the U.K. to build a fresh life on Canadian soil.
Now a research group has dug up their identities, giving new life to youths all but anonymous in death. The revelation unfolded as part of an effort to reclaim the pasts of more than 115,000 children shipped across the Atlantic as indentured servants between 1869 and 1948.
“This thing at Park Lawn Cemetery was held under wraps for many years,” says Lori Oschefski, who heads the British Home Child Advocacy and Research Association.
oyyy:
My office is an older building and half of it is up on a small crawl space. Every winter around this time (late February to early March) is what we call the dead animal season. Something (rat, feral cat, mouse) ends up finding its way into the crawl space and perishing – for whatever reason. And then the smell begins to permeate the office. There are always one or two locations where the smell is worse – different every year – but the smell comes right up through the floor and is rank enough that people are nauseated and have a difficult time working. The smell will last for 2-3 weeks.
And nothing is done about this. The manager doesn’t usually notice unless it’s brought to his attention – he works in the part of the building that has a basement below it so he doesn’t often experience this. This has been going on for the eight years I’ve been working here, and the response every year is that we have no way to prevent animals getting under there and no way of getting them out. When we bring in air deodorizers or air purifiers (electric or natural) we are told that those emit a scent he can’t stand and we need to get rid of them – and we make a point to get ones that are fragrance free.
well, FUCK (this also brought back my own memories of fighting my way past protestors into a Planned Parenthood, and clinic escorts are heroes):
The hardest thing I’ve ever done is carry a sobbing 14-year-old rape survivor from the door of a women’s health clinic to the door of the van that would take her back to a women’s shelter, while a crowd of men stood around us and screamed that she could never be forgiven.
The hardest question I’ve ever been asked is, “Why are they doing this to me?”
I don’t know.
L.R.: In addition to rap, the Hamilton score has R&B, some jazz, and ballads. Is the Mixtape album going to be as musically varied? Who’s going to be on it?
Q.: So far, Busta Rhymes, Ben Folds, Regina Spektor, Latifah, Common, Chance the Rapper, and others. People are coming out of the woodwork, knocking on the door. Half the songs are cover versions of songs in the show, and the others are interpolations—we’ll take some of this, some of that, and make something new out of it.
L-M.M.: I’m not going to be on it because for me the goal is to keep this inspired by the original. But it is funny that this was my first idea, and now it’s come full cycle and coming after the show.
Q.: Hamilton is the balance that hip-hop needed. It’s changing the conversation. The amount of people in my apartment building treating me different now … This is a key moment for Broadway and for music.
For those who watched last week’s very special episode of Black-ish, the opening of this week’s The People vs. O.J. Simpson feels exquisitely timed. In the Black-ish episode, titled “Hope,” the family gathers around the TV as the police shooting of unarmed black man fails to yield an indictment and the community rises up in protest. All parents of small children are naturally inclined to protect them from the terrible realities of the world, but the news forces Dre and Bow to face a difficult question specific to African-Americans: How (and when) do you tell your kids about racial injustice and police brutality?
In the early ’80s, Johnnie Cochran had already had that conversation with his girls — or at least the part about how to deal with the police. As “The Race Card” opens, we flash back to 1982, when Cochran, then an assistant district attorney, gets stopped for the offense of being a black man driving through an affluent white neighborhood. This is the third time in a week he’s been pulled over, and we see it as a ritual humiliation.
Okay, maybe we should all watch this Nina Simone documentary instead of the Zoe Saldana movie:
Simone’s courage was undeniable, but it was also a shield, even a mask, designed to protect her from hostile forces, real and imagined. White supremacy was not the only hellhound on her trail. She suffered from bipolar disorder, a condition that remained undiagnosed until the 1980s, when her demons had all but taken over and a Dutch fan saved her from near vagrancy. She had a weakness for tough men and hustlers: “A love affair with fire,” as her daughter Lisa Simone told Garbus. (Lisa Simone is an executive producer of the documentary.)
Simone was also deeply tormented about her desires for women. “I have to live with Nina, and that is very difficult,” she confessed in an interview. Just how difficult is the story of Alan Light’s biography, What Happened, Miss Simone?, which was “inspired” by Garbus’s film and based on the same archive of source material, including Simone’s diaries and letters. Light’s prose is often hackneyed, but he provides an even more probing account of Simone’s inner struggles than Garbus. Far from detracting from her civil rights heroism, it makes that achievement all the more astonishing.
This is something I see a lot on DWIL, and it causes so much pain within families. No one is suggesting that your in-laws have to love your kid from a previous marriage like a grandchild, but while those kids are minors and living with you, your in-laws DO need to practice fairness around birthdays and Christmas, in my opinion:
Q. Inconsiderate in-laws: I have been with my husband for five years. I have a daughter from a previous marriage who is now 10 and a 4-year-old daughter with my husband. Every year, his parents and other extended family acknowledge my younger daughter’s birthday. Last year on her birthday, when an aunt asked for our address so that she could send money, I requested that she not send anything because our children are noticing and it causes hurt feelings. We requested they treat the girls the same because they are sisters. She promised to include my oldest. Well, that didn’t happen. Again, we are sent a card and money for our younger and my older had received nothing. I would like to cut these people from our lives, but my husband feels torn. What do I do?
No, I’m Not Glamorizing My Autism:
For one thing, abject tragedy is not my truth. I do struggle with autism on a regular basis, and I would go so far as to say that I often suffer from some of its most common comorbidities, like depression and anxiety. But even on my worst day, it wouldn’t occur to me to define my life by them. Good things happen to me despite and because of autism. Neutral things happen, too, and they’re as much a part of my true story as the rest. And even if they weren’t, what good would it do me to represent my disability entirely in terms of the misery it causes me and the people I love? Everyone deserves to believe that their life is worth living. In fact, this belief is integral to a person’s very survival in this world. Autistic people face enough suicidal ideation without being asked to think of themselves as nothing more than burdens to their loved ones, and I can’t support or contribute to any conversation that increases that risk.
First, SO excited about the Hamilton Mixtape.
Second, let us praise the women of the Supreme Court, who were ON FIRE yesterday. http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/s…
Also checkout Chris Geidner’s TL on Twitter for transcript quotes. Amazing.
I have full-on heart eyes for those poetic and noble land mermaids. If anyone has more free time the whole transcript can be found here: http://www.supremecourt.gov/oral_arguments/argume…
Ahhh, it’s beautiful. They fucked that dude up.
This is from another slate article on the case but it made me so happy, “By the time he limped away, his voice was quiet, his tone was melancholy, and his Texas accent had all but disappeared.”
YESSSSS ERASE HIM
I read the slate article last night and it made me really want to read the transcript, actually. Is the Supreme Court really this awesome?
Only half of it.
The liberal wing of the court right now is phenomenal. RBG, obviously, is a legend, but Kagan (who I was skeptical of when she was nominated) and Sotomayor are also excellent judges and intelligent arguers and writers. Hopefully, they will be around for a very long time. Breyer is also good, but Kagan and Sotomayor are young and great and should be a solid liberal block on the court for the next 30 years.
I don’t know if you read the tidbit that Scalia told the David Axelrod that he wanted Obama to nominate Kagan, because he considered her such a smart jurist. It’s the only story about Scalia (including his love for talking opera with RBG) that made me feel any warmth toward him. I love the idea that SC justices aren’t trying to get more moderate nominees from Presidents they disagree with; they’re just trying to get the smartest nominees.
Ha, not the people so much – I know all about them! – but the minute-to-minute action. This article makes it sound so FUN.
Oral argument can be SO fun. It can also be painful. It really depends on the case and the lawyers arguing. In general, though, because at SCOTUS, they only take important cases, OA can be quite lively. But personally I often enjoy Nina Totenberg’s summaries as much as anything.
State appellate courts, too, can be so much fun or very painful, but there is also depends highly on the judges. There are a lot of judges who don’t ask many questions, I think sometimes because you get a lot of cases that maybe shouldn’t be argued, or lawyers who shouldn’t be arguing, and they don’t want to prolong the agony.
(I forgot to say I’m an appellate lawyer–but I don’t do OA so in that respect I’m just a bystander like most everyone else, no personal experience of doing it).
If you’re comfortable, would you (and katenepveu) mind sharing in what capacity you do appellate work? I’ve done a few appeals (brief writing, not OA) in private practice, and want to make appellate work a larger part of my practice.
My username is my legal name minus the space (though my law stuff only shows up if you stick the H. in the middle; the disconnect between the two searches is kind of amazing), so there are no secrets here, but I work for state government, which means I really don’t have any useful experience for you, sorry.
Awesome, thanks! State gov is one of the avenues I’m thinking about.
I”m actually in the same position as katenepveu (small world!), so I’m also not much help. I have a friend who does appellate work at firm, and she also doesn’t do any OA. At her firm, they have a good trial practice, and they do the appeals from those cases. My friend either writes the briefs or fixes the ones the trial guys do, and then she helps them prepare for OA. It works well for them. It’s also the only way I’d do it in private practice–I have zero interest in doing oral argument myself. You only have to hear me give a presentation to know why it would be a bad idea for me.
Well, i can only really talk about NY, but if you want general information about how our office works and what my job is like, drop me a line: [email protected] .
Another appellate lawyer here–I love oral argument, because though it obviously has its failure modes, at its best it is a sharp conversation with a bunch of smart, well-informed people who want to hear what you have to say and understand it fully, who you get to do your best to inform and engage in an ultimately-persuasive way, and that is just FUN.
Do you find it uncomfortable when a lawyer is obviously unprepared? I’m always so mortified for them that I’m physically uncomfortable.
But if OA is with smart, prepared, non-defensive attorneys, and smart, well-informed judges who aren’t just grandstanding, I LOVE it.
I think it’s fascinating to observe, though of course I have my pet peeves like everyone. (Like the people who thump their hands on the lectern for emphasis, apparently not remembering that the lectern is mic’ed.) It’s also kind of a detective game, seeing if I can figure out what other cases on the calendar are about and what I think the outcome will be!
I have a lot to do today at the office, yet somehow I keep coming back to the Slate article and the transcript. Such things of power and beauty.
God this article was so good. I literally cheered in my car. CANNOT WAIT for the audio to come out.
Imani Gandy (@AngryBlackLady) also did an excellent Twitter commentary with transcript quotes. HIGHLY recommended.
Best pull quote (referring to RBG, Kagan, Sotomayor and Bayer): “Four-car train of whoop ass.”
It’s infuriating how they’re having such a serious argument over whether or not clinics will close, like it’s somehow an actual unknown.
“This law was written to close clinics, when it goes into effect clinics close, when it was suspended clinics opened, but can we ever really say we *know* anything at all? Can evidence and rational thought really point towards a true understanding, when we might be but brains floating in vats, seeing nothing but illusions? What is…Truth?”
Yep. But of course, we’re talking about laws that are “protecting women’s health,” when everyone–EVERYONE–knows that’s not what they are about. So I guess if we’re living in fiction land, why not add another layer of BS?
This was literally my face while reading that entire Supreme Court article:
Oh good god. Lookit that pup-a-dup.
Every time I read the roundup now I have a smeagolesque debate with myself over why flying to Utah and walking methodically across the state knocking on doors and asking “Puppy? Puppy here?” would probably be crossing a line.
Cons: You might get the cops called on you for being a weirdo.
Pro: You get lots of puppies.
I fully support this plan.
Right?
A vicious battle between my prime directives:
1) Don’t be a creepy weirdo.
2) Meet as many puppies as possible.
WHO CARES IF YOU’RE A CREEPY WEIRDO IF YOU HAVE TONS OF PUPPIES????
So wise, so true.
I’ll put up with a lot weirdo-wise if there’s a sterling puppy on hand.
Hulk needs a business bandana. Herringbone or houndstooth?
Herringbone tweed, brother!
he needs like fifteen so that he can coordinate them with his different suits
I like to think he just buys really basic, black Mens Wearhouse suits in bulk so he can rip them in half when and as necessary.
It’s good to imagine this but I ALSO like to imagine him in a suit with a light plaid, standing in front of a full-length mirror and trying on different bandanas to see which works the best.
I’m guessing he has a Cher Horowitz-style closet computer where he can scroll through his suits and bandannas and the closet computer can tell him if they match.
MIS-MATCH BROTHER!
I hope it’s like tinder and he has a picture of his face with a bandana on it and then he just keeps swiping left until he gets a good one.
You just invented Fashion Tinder! Get an angel investor sir, you are about to be a unicorn billionaire (call it Finder. Give me a million for that. You’re welcome)
fndr (TM).
Drssr
oh shit different stores could have profiles so that when you went into them you could swipe through all of their hottest items or sale items !!!!!!!
This sounds way more fun than actual shopping. Especially if we get to build ourselves little avatars and make them try on all of the outifts for us.
And if you could somehow program the app so that the clothes look like they might look on actual humans of acheivable proportions, that would be amaze.
I have had a theory for a long time of compiling a massive database of different people of different shapes and then updating it with clothes on them, because trying to find clothes that fit (particularly for women) is ludicrous.
I just saw an episode of Shark Tank where a dude was trying to sell a custom-tailoring service for men, where you scan yourself with your phone’s camera and it sends your measurements off and you get a perfectly custom-fitted shirt. If that dude ever realizes what he’s built and has the sense to contract with existing stores instead of trying to make his own shirts, we could have the perfect Virtual Dressing Room app!
the real trick — and this is something that I think a lot about but have no idea how to make — is how to get custom measurements inserted into the build chain for pre-existing clothing manufacturers. So, is there a way, for example, if you’re making jeans, just a million pairs of jeans in the standard sizes, to get custom fit information and somehow tag it so that after it’s cut and made instead of getting shipped to the store it gets mailed directly to you?
There might be but go to any store and grab all 3-4 pairs of identical pants and try them on dollars to donuts none of them fit the same and at least one is going to be dramatically wrong.
oh man I could make a fortune if I could just figure out a way to make pants consistent
You really could. Although with clothing that level of uniformity probably requires mechanization pretty from loom to final roll out.
I have been working on a strategy to mechanize cutting patterns that I think would standardize a lot of it.
When I saw that I was shouting “Do it for women! The men’s market already has the lion’s share of custom garments! COME ON!”
(Yeah, I know, more work, but he’d be going to a more open market and one that tends to be more fashiony on average. )
also a market where the price point is actually better
They actually had something similar a few years ago.
I tried it because it was free and shopping can be hard.
It generally recommended very expensive brands in the wrong size, but I did use it to buy a nice pair of $40 jeans in a larger-than-recommended size.
I would play with this all day.
As a wrestling fan, this comment thread is giving me life.
Pinstripes. Classic.
Paisley! It’s more theatrical.
There are a lot of things about Hulk Hogan that I don’t like, but I think the fact that he has a formal bandana is great.
The Zoe Saldana thing is especially dumb because of the existence of the excellent actor and Simone-look-alike Adepero Oduye. I mean:
Beautiful choice! Alternately, Uzo Aduba, who is also a singer (but i think might be a soprano, which might not work)
But it’s kind of frustrating because while I absolutely understand the concerns and criticisms against Zoe Saldana playing Nina Simone–and I’m not arguing with them–it seems like another kind of unfairness that there aren’t more physical transformation roles for POC actors. Like, Nicole Kidman gets to put on a prosthetic nose and be Virginia Woolf; Daniel Day-Lewis gets to put on a prosthetic face and be Lincoln; they are hired to do that because their names are box office draws and they are celebrated for doing it because they get to literally “disappear” into the role, a gag for the audience, a level-up for the actor. Zoe Saldana has the box office draw, she has the film experience and is probably really ready for a role like this in her career. If only there were more other opportunities like it!
That’s a good point I hadn’t considered. It does seem like she’s getting an awful lot of flack for this, arguably more than white people often get for taking roles that could have been played for a POC.
This. I’m white so I’m trying to stay out of it, but damn, the sheer amount of vitriol I’ve seen directed at Saldana personally for taking this role seems entirely unreasonable. She shared a Nina Simone quote on her Twitter recently and a Simone fan account told her to “get her name out of your mouth for the rest of your life.” I was gobsmacked.
Not just a fan account though, one run by Simone’s daughter, if I understand correctly.
I think the sentiment is generally “awwww come on, you should know better!” It’s not fair but there really is a special kind of disappointment and anger that comes when a member of X group does something particularly fucked up in X group’s sentiments. I thought the Jez article (by Kara Brown, I think) highlighting the production team of the Nina Simone biopic was especially appropriate since they are ultimately responsible for the casting and whatnot.
it took me a while to wrap my head around all the criticism because at first I thought people were saying that she wasn’t black enough to be Nina Simone (as a mixed person, “am I X enough?” is pretty much part of my identity so it’s a particularly cutting anxiety to be reminded of), even though she identifies as black. But then I realized, no, I don’t think it’s that- it’s that this industry devalues certain features SO MUCH that of the few actors who have “made it” who look like Nina Simone, they didn’t even cast one of them- instead they cast someone who they decided to MAKE look like her, like the actors who actually look Nina her don’t exist.
Anyway, sorry, I this has just been bugging me all day so I hoped my thought process might be helpful.
No, I think you’re totally spot on with your understanding, and I think your initial reaction definitely makes sense. I think as a non-Black person it can be a little jarring to see the critiques that an Afro-Latina is wearing Blackface, and yet when you compare how she was made up for the biopic versus her actual appearance, there is just no denying it. They put her in fucking Blackface.
Yes, this is definitely true. Also, I had a moment when I was still puzzling when I went “well, if they had a half-Chinese actor play someone Chinese, I’m pretty sure that has happened…but I guess the full comparison would be if they made the half-Chinese actor look more Chinese by, like, taping their eyelids or something-OH. OHHHH NO.”
Yeah, that’s exactly it. If it was more of a question of contouring or reshaping facial features with movie magic, there would still be a valid critique to be made about Hollywood beauty standards and “playing ugly” (a term I hate) but I think it would be balanced by the argument for a greater variety of roles for actors of color. But obviously skin tone has very different cultural connotations and baggage than a prosthetic nose or chin. I just wish it wasn’t so.
This is a really interesting point, thanks for sharing!
No one is suggesting that your in-laws have to love your kid from a previous marriage like a grandchild
I mean…I guess I kinda am, tho? Like, that ten year old is one of your grandkids now. That’s how family works, and that’s especially how family that are kids work.
Yeah, I guess they don’t have to, but they kind of should?
Well, no. You can’t force feelings. But you damn well can police your actions for fairness and decency.
I agree with that. You can’t dictate how someone should feel. You can dictate their actions, though, and I think it’s legit to ask people to act in such a way that the oldest kid doesn’t notice she’s less loved (by the in-laws)
Absolutely. I’ll be totally honest – I gained 2 nieces when my brother got married a few years ago and I can’t honestly say that I LOVE the girls. They live across the country and I’ve only met them twice, plus they’re quite shy so I just don’t feel like I’ve gotten to know them at all. That said? They get AWESOME Christmas and birthday gifts from their Aunt Jamila, and are featured prominently in gifts I give my parents from “all the grandchildren” (like an annual calendar with all the kids’ pictures). I act like I love the shit out of them, and I’m sure someday I will, but they’ll never know the difference.
Fair. I guess I’m thinking in the sense that “love” is demonstrated in what you do (in the Before Times, Michael Himes’ “Doing The Truth In Love” was one of my favorite books), rather than, as you pointed out, un-forceable feelings.
Eh. I’m kinda with you on this one, show love that you do not necessarily Feel. I was roomies with the eldest child of a blended family; her stepdad adopted her when she was two, she literally has no memories of her life that did not include her stepdad in father role. His folks tho? They totally made it clear that HIS first kid was THEIR first grandkid, and it was always, always clear to my roomie that that was how they felt, even though they bought her presents, all of which were infinitely inferior to the prezzies they gave to their “first” grandchild (which were routinely labeled as such). As a result, she had a shite relationship with her stepdad until she moved away from our home city, because she _always knew_ that she meant less to his entire family that her sister and brother did.
So yeah. You cannot force someone to feel A Way, but grown-assed adults should really know better, and if “fake it til you make it” is ever good advice, I feel like this is that time. They’re a kid, for god’s sake. They cannot help that they do not share your genetic sequencing.
Oh absolutely. Walk the walk, don’t let the kid know. That’s mandatory. My point is that it doesn’t matter how you feel.
As someone whose same-sex partner carried our child, I find it pernicious whenever anyone defines family by “blood”, genetics, biology, etc.
As you should
It’s such a sad, limiting concept of what a family is.
And poisonous, too, if your blood family happens to be awful in ways that you cannot get behind.
This adoptee heartily, heartily seconds your comment.
God, that’s so shitty! That’s what I’m afraid might happen with the in-laws of the LW who wrote in to Mallory — they’ll continue giving expensive, thoughtful presents to the one who’s actually related to them, while “oh here’s something obviously from the dollar store” to the other one.
Mr Ipo’s mom married a guy when he was in high school and his brothers were in junior high. Guy had a daughter from a previous relationship and then had another with Mr Ipo’s mom. At family holidays, Guy’s mom would give all the blood grandkids stuff like sweaters, video games, toys, etc. Literally every year, Mr Ipo and his brothers got BARS OF SOAP. Until they were in their 20s and started refusing to go to Christmas, so now Guy’s mom always asks where they are and we all make lame excuses and don’t go.
Now that we have the Heir and the Spare, Guy’s mom always wants to see them and gives them presents, but they’re still not blood-grandkid-level presents. The dudes don’t notice it now, but I kinda want to wean them away from her early before they realize it. She’s not a very caring/motherly person (which is sad because she has four kids and like a dozen grandkids/stepgrandkids, and they’re all having kids), but she treats the great-grandkids like trophies.
Right I mean kids aren’t dumb they can see the difference between just-equal-presents-at-birthdays/christmas and equal-treatment. I’m a firm hater of being told that I have-to or I need-to when what the person means is that they-would-like-me-to but I do kinda feel like the obligation in this case is strong enough to warrant ultimate language like “have to” or “must”
And the standard here is, actually, shockingly low: once a year you go out and buy the ten-year-old a present. Just fake it, assholes. It’s not that hard.
She doesn’t even have to pick a present! Just send a card and the same amount of money to each kid. SO EASY.
Good point! They could probably automate this process.
Twice a year. Birthday and Chrisdtmas, I assume.
I have been that kid, and it hurts. It also damages the relationships between the siblings.
My oldest step-cousin-once-removed and I made it to the ages of 14 and 11, respectively, before we found out that we didn’t actually share any genes and weren’t technically cousins. That’s how you do it, people. For the three times a year that you all actually see each other/send gifts, you treat all the kids equally.
For good measure, my aunt/her grandmother sent gifts to her half-siblings too.
the snub here is so basic there’s zero possibility in my mind there’s active, considered spite behind it
this family is trying to fuck with a ten-year-old for not having their genes
The kids are siblings and I’m 110% sure they call ALL of the grandparents grandma and grandpa. Kids don’t make distinctions about in-laws, and in-laws should not make distinctions about which kids they choose to accept.
It’s one thing if the kids involved are older teenagers or adults, but a ten and four year old? C’mon.
That’s just cold-hearted.
F’rreals. My mom’s mother re-married when she was in her 50s (the same year my parents married, actually), and her husband has always always been my grandfather. Maybe it’s a little different because my mom’s father had died and so was not a presence in my life, and the marriage happened before I was born – but I literally never remember that I technically have a “blended family” because there’s never been that distinction. (Although I know my mom doesn’t refer to my grandfather and his children from his first marriage as her “step-father” or “step-siblings” because they never lived together as a family, so maybe that has something to do with it.) Anyhoo, tl;dr, family is what you make of it and don’t be a dick to a kid.
best tl;dr EVER.
Same, I think my biological grandfather was alive for the first few years of my life but I never met him. I sometimes end up clarifying for whatever reason that my grandpa is grandma’s second husband but it’s super weird to think of him as my “step-grandpa” or whatever.
Yeah, I had a step-grandpa too, my grandma remarried shortly after I was born, and while he had his own kids and grandkids, I never felt like he treated us differently. Which is as it should be!
Even older teenagers though – my two oldest cousins were 14 and 12 when their mom married my uncle and even though we weren’t particularly close as cousins due to the age difference my grandparents always treated them as family – they consider my cousin’s kids their great-grandchildren even though they have 7 “blood” grandchildren (and now a whole mess of great-grandchildren). I just don’t see how it makes any difference just because my uncle isn’t their biological father.
I actually can top DWIL OP on this. My husband has a 20 year old son from a previous relationship, as well as 2 kids with me. We are married. His a-hole parents basically never send cards, anything to his older son and routinely forget him (as in, when we are visiting and my kids’ cousins are present, saying loudly ‘it is so nice to have all the grandkids’ My husband pipes up: ‘Um well, X isn’t here so not really’)
They are totally nice to my kids (because we are married? Because they are younger?) but my father-in-law actually told me: ‘X is kind of a lost soul. It be a shame to lose touch with him.’
And I am like – it is not a shame it would be YOUR FAULT. Argh. This is your firstborn grandchild and he doesn’t answer an email (again, 20 year old dude) and you are like, oh well, was nice knowing him???
So this year they didn’t send him ANYTHING for Christmas. Not a card, nothing. And he is in another country with no family.
Minor brag here: my mother, who first met him when he was 8, but hasn’t seen him for two years, sent him a BIG box of stuff from California from Christmas.
Cause family is FAMILY.
/end rant.
My father’s family did this to my biological sibling because they favored my mother in the looks department.
My now-deceased grandparents did this. They basically didn’t give a crap about my dad, except that they thought he made a lot of money, would drive to Colorado, California and Texas from Michigan for the other siblings and skip us (in Minnesota). Also would say they were coming and then wouldn’t show.
Also, part of this was that I was born 6 months after my parent’s wedding, so there’s that.
Gosh, I wonder why he might not feel so motivated to answer an e-mail from such wonderful people.
I worry a lot about making sure my niece and nephew know that I love and care about them. Sometimes I think maybe I’m not doing enough. But then I hear stories like this, of extended family essentially being jerks for no good reason, and I think that I could never do that to a kid. Family is family indeed.
right? I mean, I don’t want to answer emails from them, and I am not 20 years old.
Being present/remembering they’re alive/interested is NOT a big ask people.
Love, maybe not. Feel how you feel. But treat similarly and express love and acceptance? You better believe it. That’s inexcuseable.
I was previously in a very happy, tightknit poly situation, in which the other two members had had a child together. In his precious baby mind, I was third mom in, and my parents regarded him and treated him as a grandchild, no questions asked. They regarded the other two women as family as well. That is normal to me. The more I see of the world, the more I consider myself lucky.
I honestly cannot fathom not being inclusive of a child, regardless of blood relation, who is part of the established family structure. In this case, for no other reason than to create normalcy and stability for the child you actually care about.
Stuff like DWIL and Captain Awk are amazing in two ways – I learn good skills, and also I remember that my family, while mildly screwed up, is essentially polite and at least nice to children.
I said something along these lines in a thread maybe a month ago about terrible exes, but yeah. I realize that’s not the purpose – people have actual shit they’re dealing with, and I wish them nothing but the best. But I do occasionally read DWIL/CA/AAM and get a little overwhelmed with gratitude that my parents were just occasionally overprotective and struggled with anger control, and my old relationships mostly ended because one of us grew away from the other, and my job is mostly decent with some crappy bits. It’s very much a “count your blessings, you’ve had it pretty good, remember to pay it forward” situation.
Yup, I spent a good portion of my teens and 20s whining about my family being too invasive, all-consuming etc.
Now I am like, ‘WELL at least my parents CARE’
I don’t think so, just like I don’t think that the ten-year-old needs to feel like a parent’s new in-laws are their new grandparents.
You can’t force feelings to happen, but what you can do is be civil and polite. The in-laws have had a lifetime of experience dealing with social graces so it shouldn’t be too hard to be kind to a child and not make the kid feel excluded.
My parents and stepmother have absorbed my partner’s children from his previous marriage into their collective Child Pool without blinking. It’s not hard!
I am having a hard time wrapping my head around these people. I didn’t know I wasn’t blood relatives with my uncles and grandfather until I was ten, because we were all treated as one family, and he and my grandmother were already DIVORCED before I was born. I mean, technically some of my cousins are actually the step-children of my step-uncles, but we’re all cousins.
To be fair, my grandmother remarried a few years ago, and I’ll probably never think of her new husband as another grandparent, but I was seventeen when they married and all the younger cousins call him ‘Pops’ already, so that’s about me, not him.
Exactly! Family is not just blood, it’s also intention. And are people acting from inclusive or exclusive intentions, and which is a better space to live.
Ooh, I have a gross smell at work story, but it is really appalling, so I’ll put it in a reply to save people’s delicate constitutions.
OK, so, first of all, I am only telling this story because a) it happened decades ago and b) not only are both businesses gone, but the buildings that housed them have been torn down.
So. When I was a youth, I worked at an inn that had a restaurant on the grounds, but the inn and the restaurant had totally different owners. The last summer I worked there, the restaurant had a new owner and he had zero interest in things like “hygiene” or “food safety.” Long story short, the kitchen got rats. Instead of calling in an exterminator (who probably would have reported them to the food inspector), they just boarded over the holes in the walls where the rats were getting into the kitchen.
And now the story gets REALLY grody. The kitchen and the inn’s linen closet shared a wall. As far as we could guess, a rat died in that wall. In the middle of the summer, in a humid climate, in a linen closet that had zero ventilation. After a couple of weeks, we couldn’t even walk in there. We had to sneakily put up clothes lines so we could AIR OUT the linens before putting them in guests’ rooms. Eventually we had to just take the smallest room at the inn and convert it into linen storage because the smell never. went. away.
My manager and the restaurant owner spent the rest of the summer having screaming matches with each other and I vowed to get an office job the next summer. The end!
They boarded over the rat entry holes? Ohhh the incompetence.
I once worked for an inn too, and the owner sounds like the restaurant owner in your story. They didn’t fix anything in that crappy old place, Room 10’s ceiling would leak every single time it rained. According to the badass housekeeper, that had been happening for four years. We had an animal problem as well! Bats kept somehow winding up in guests’ rooms, bahaha. Never stay at the Beacon Inn in Boston, you guys…
My old door-warehouse job was located downwind of a port-a-potty rental facility…
Not every day but I’d say three or four times a month it smelled overpoweringly like raw/fermenting sewage.
Because I have a total one track mind, there is actually a Dear Canada novel about home children, and one of the plot points is that while some children were treated very well, lots were horribly abused and treated like crap. (I haven’t reviewed this particular book yet, goddammit.) But it’s weirdly ignored in a lot of material around the time period, it’s usually just sloughed off as “oh and home children were also imported to work in Canada.” The end. But it was a social movement that had huge tendrils reaching to both sides, both in Britain where Barnardo homes were seen as a vast improvement (and later discovered to be sites of sexual and physical abuse in some cases), and in Canada where it was really thought that kids would have a good chance at life. (And not just Canada, as mentioned!) Anyway, I could happily talk about this all day and into the night but there is a LOT to discuss there and it was actually a fairly major immigration movement that’s curiously understudied.
Yes, to this!! Also, it’s fascinating how ubiquitous home children are in contemporary works of the time. Casual mentions of them like hired hands, and it is so casually treated in our history textbooks.
Yes! It was incredibly common and then quickly forgotten, because hey, kids. And it is widely ignored when you study immigration history and patterns in Canada because the kids weren’t under their own control, even though most did end up raising families of their own in Canada!
We spent so many hours on comparative subjects like the filles du roi or the WW2 children, but very little time on the home children.
And, y’know, not to drag LMM into this discussion or anything, but I always found it fascinating how her dismissive attitude towards home children contrasted with the compassion other orphans (like Bruce Dark) received.
Yeah, there’s a lot tied up there in terms of class and ethnicity that’s really evocative of the period and really telling…in a place where there is almost zero diversity, differences in class or religion effectively become diversity and people develop walls along those lines.
They’re so frequently depicted as suspicious proto-adults rather than actual children.
I read that as Lin-Manuel Miranda for a second instead of Lucy Maud Montgomery and got Confused.
#toastieproblems
The odd characterization of Mary Vance was what I thought of immediately.
And, also, how little attention it’s given within local historical societies, and the difficulties family historians encounter finding information if one of their ancestors was a home child.
Stuff You Missed in History Class did a pretty good podcast on it though I think they mainly focused on the Australian history. http://www.missedinhistory.com/podcasts/child-mig…
Orphan At My Door was one of my favourite Dear Canadas as a kid! And I firmly believe that Victoria and Marianna lived out their adult lives in a Boston marriage. Screw the epilogue, this is my story and I’m sticking to it.
In one of the Christmas compilations (I can’t recall which but I have it at home) there’s a short story followup from Marianne’s point of view and it is great!
Nina! I love Nina Simone so much, you guys. So much. If you don’t know her album The Blues, it is frigging great, and how i fell in love and now it is 20 years later and i still love her so much, and every story i read about her makes me love her more. Thanks for the long read!
She is a marvel. I love her desperately.
Oh, hi. I’m new.
Uh. I’m Daisy’s friend? The one with the blog?
My name is Nicolette, and I’m much more eloquent in person. I’m just a little nervous.
I’m not sure what else to say, if I’m honest.
I’ve just heard so much about the Toastie community from Daisy, and I’ve been dreaming of entering this secret garden of fabulous people (and lesbians) for quite some time!
I think that’s about it… I’m in class, so I really shouldn’t be writing much more. I’m a bit of a rebel (except not really, but shhh).
~fin~
Welcome!
Hello and welcome Nicolette! Pls link your blog then go pay attention to your professor!
(davedanblog.wordpress.com) thank you!
hello and welcome to the Link Roundup, where all the comments are A+ good
Thank you!! Awh I feel so loved
Welcome!
Thank you!!
Are you also a loner?
Welcome to The dash Toast! (dammit, that is not a hyphen).
Yes everyone this is my comedy wife/doppelganger/best friend. She is the snazziest person I know and has been lurking on here since the summer, when we were both equally freaking out about our gayness and college. We are now coping well with both of those situations. Please love on her as much as possible because she deserves all the love.
Welcome welcome!!! Hope you have fun here!
Welcome!
Welcome to the site, and if you ever go trawling the archives for gay stuff, don’t just check the LGBT section! There’s heaps of queer stuff in any category on the site.
Welcome!
Here is a beautiful and compelling and truly heartbreaking read (seriously, it will take some time and emotional energy to read this) about eight San Francisco survivors of the AIDS epidemic.
“Three years after the drugs came along, the Bay Area Reporter, a weekly gay newspaper, ran a banner headline: ‘No obits.’ For the first time in 15 years, there were no deaths from AIDS to report that week.”
oh, that was lovely. i feel a lot of times young queer people (and i’m including myself in this) forget that there’s a whole, older generation that went through such horror and loss, and so many of them are just gone. there’s a quote in there that’s about how these men are the last of a generation, with so much history and stories and knowledge, and the fact that they’re being forgotten and pushed out makes me so sad.
Definitely. Definitely.
Me too. I think a lot of younger queers know about ACT UP etc but have no idea how the men of that generation are faring now and how AIDS affects people as they age. One guy mentions having a recurrent nightmare; regular terrifying nightmares are a relatively common side-effect of efavirenz that many of us rarely hear about. There’s an assumption that ARVs came in and saved the day without a real understanding of what those drugs have cost the people who take them.
And, like, not to oversimplify or anything, but it OFTEN seems like the babyqueers I know only have context of the epidemic because of RENT. Which… I mean, that’s the point of art, to memorialize a time and place, but that’s really sad to me. I’m in my mid-thirties and have vivid memories of my mom’s best friend’s partner dying of AIDS in 1989 and Ryan White becoming the Acceptable Face of HIV/AIDS and going to see the quilt, and those memories pale in comparison to my best friend’s memories of going to a funeral of a friend every week because he was a gay man in the 1980s and all of his friends were dying and no, we’ll never really Get That, and a musical doesn’t always feel like it’s doing that kind of pain justice. There should be something else, something bigger (than the biggest musical of the 1990s/early 2000s, yes), more solid, more serious, is maybe the word I’m looking for.
No, I think it’s really true in many instances. I’m 23 and only really started learning about the AIDS epidemic on my own time–we never covered it in school and although my mom was living in SF through the epidemic she never talked about it, so the only way I knew anything about it was through RENT. It occupies a strange place in history because it’s at once so immediate and so recent but is glossed over in a lot of discourse. I think many babyqueers only have access to the sanitized version, which in turn influences how they view the epidemic itself, the people who went through it, and the aftermath that’s still being felt throughout queer communities.
I saw a production of RENT a few years ago at Michigan State that I felt much… well, frankly, I felt a hell of a lot worse after it, but at the same time, that’s entirely because they altered the way they did the curtain call–they used projections to let the audience know that Mimi died six months later, Collins died the following year, Roger a little later, Mark outlived all his friends, etc, and while it was depressing and tragic and heartrending, it was also much more honest, and I think that’s why using RENT as a touchpoint bothers me: the story ends before we can really grasp the scope of the epidemic. If that’s our cultural context, the enormity is just lost, and it really, really shouldn’t be.
I find myself using Angels in America as my own reference point.
Definitely! There’s a real sense of “it was terrible but then ARVS appeared and everything is fine!” and I don’t know whether it’s because we don’t have a large, easily seen community of older queer people who talk about the aftermath or what. There’s a real lack of looking at and really grappling with our history and all of the long-reaching consequences of it, and imo both generations are being hurt by it.
And we need to have a conversation about what it means to keep people on drugs with toxic side effects.
Forcing someone with dementia to keep taking a pill they don’t want to take because it gives them nightmares they can’t separate from reality is like being Harry Potter as he forces Dumbledore to drink that horrible potion in the cave.
Oh, fuck. That metaphor, of our older queer community being Dumbledore chocking down that horrible potion just hit me in the stomach. But thank you (really, thank. you.) for bringing that reality to viscerally to my attention.
Judging by this comment and your username, I am 80% sure that I know who you are, but if I’m wrong, please disregard this.
I know it was hard to be the Harry in that scenario for so long but FWIW, your own Dumbledore was lucky to have you. You were a good kid Pierre.
Part of the issue is that there isn’t a cultural continuity for queer people. Our history, like the history of women and people of color and immigrants, is pushed aside and sanitized. The saving grace for those other communities is that people of color and women and other marginalized groups are by in large raised in their own community. And so those stories of suffering and courage and resilience and so on are handed down.
Queer folk only form inter generational relationships if they seek them out. Queers only learn their own history if they seek it out. I really love American social history (that’s what I studied in college) and so I’ve sought out a lot of queer history. Still, though, I lack the real human element of the story; just the way real people reacted to real situations. These are the cracks of history that are only filled in by hearing the stories of our predecessors.
This is extremely well put. Thank you.
I will read that, but can’t read it now because I’m in the office and it’s making me tear up.
The picture of the guy holding the kittens is a hell of a tearjerker.
Thank you for that. My one and only time in San Francisco (actually, my one and only time west of the Rockies) was in the summer of 1992, and my brief visit to the Castro was haunting; it was obvious even then that the neighborhood was gutted, not in terms of buildings but of people. Even though the Pride parade was strong, a fair amount of that seemed to be out-of-towners, and the streets were almost deserted [ETA: in the Castro; the parade was well-attended]. I also can’t stop shaking my head at the denialists, even though this article mostly steered clear of them. (Ganymede, who paused his antiviral treatment, didn’t seem like one so much as he was just grieving and weary of dealing with it.)
Thanks for this. My dad is a medical professor specializing in infectious diseases, and was at ucsf starting in 1980. I grew up in SF during the epidemic, and I can’t tell you how many people we knew who are dead now. I sometimes feel like the only one who remembers…
Sending you love and strength.
eta: I think your perspective, as a kid growing up in that environment, would be a really valuable one, and if you’ve got any inclination to write or talk about your experiences, I think you should consider it.
Maybe I will, thanks. It’s an odd thing because it’s not particularly traumatic 20 years on, but every once in a while I think “oh hey, remember that time when everyone you knew was dying? Yeah that mostly doesn’t happen anymore.”
Thanks for sharing this, I look forward to reading it.
I live in SF and work with a program that links grad students/young scientists with public school teachers to get scientists into classrooms and talking to kids. My first year I worked with a middle aged teacher who had lived in SF through the entire epidemic and we did a lesson on infectious disease with a focus on HIV. It was incredibly powerful to hear him talk to these kids (12-13) about the history of AIDS and the necessity of remembering.
Also, the guy who volunteers at the SFSPCA! That’s where my OT shelter pups are! I hope it brings him happiness and peace.
I watched my uncle and his partner and their entire circle of friends succumb to AIDs when I was in high school. It was wrenching and like no other experience. It was haunting and awful in ways I can’t describe. The “last man standing” passed a few years ago and I felt terrible grief and outrage that they had been taken that way but also such intense relief that he was not longer the haunted survivor waiting for his turn. The legacy of AIDs has not fully unfolded in queer culture and it will take more time to understand the impact. It hurts me in ways I can’t express that something so profound and terrifying is so little known and understood when it would have been such a Big Fucking Deal had it decimated a different population.
Thank you for sharing this.
So much love to you and yours.
Love that Kate Spade piece, great to hear about success at such a unique price point/demographic. I can’t hear about the brand without recalling a story a friend told me from her time at Harvard Business School, when another student argued that Kate Spade was not “luxury,” since it was what “middle class suburban moms” bought (oh, HBS) and evoked the ire of her many Kate Spade toting classmates. That kind of stark division in perception– tacky/not!luxury vs. classy/expensive– is so interesting to prod into, as well as the success vs. overexposure/brand dilution they get into near the end.
Reminds me of the epic meltdown over Lily Pulitzer for Target, you guys remember that?
A friend had a fantastically snobby quote from his mother, who would’ve been on the age to wear the original Lillys in the early 60’s. Her opinion? “Lilly Pulitzer is the sort of clothing second wives wear.”
I just want to let you know that when I read that I hear Lucille Bluth’s voice
I love this quote so very, very much.
Kate Spade’s … not “luxury,” though? I mean the brand is actually at the moment doing a rebranding campaign to try to move upmarket, so clearly they themselves don’t think so. A $400 bag is expensive for many, but it doesn’t actually fit into the “luxury” segment of the brand market. (And while I have one or two cute KS pieces, they’re not made of such expensive materials or so finely made that you’d be inclined to call them “luxury” in some sense independent of the market.)
The vast majority of people are never going to own a $400 handbag. Ever.
The dissonance between what different industries classifies as “luxury” and the day-to-day reality of what is a luxury (an inessential, desirable item that is expensive or difficult to obtain) for actual people living actual lives makes me sad. But it’s also pretty funny.
I mean, television is a luxury. But it’s certainly not a “luxury”.
HamilToasties: Yesterday I went to happy hour and should have gotten a salad or something light, but I could not resist the siren call of a $4 burger. As I was eating it, I realized that I was singing “Say No to This” to the burger under my breath!! Lin Manuel Miranda has officially infected my brain.
And I’d just gotten that one out of my head, too…
Hahah, sorry!
I started a new job last month doing political research and was digging through FEC filings and realized I had been humming “follow the money and see where it gooooes” for an hour. Right there with you.
BRILLIANT. I firmly believe 90% of the congressional aides on Capitol Hill sing Hamilton songs to each other as they go about their daily work.
This would make Capitol Hill 500% more charming! I work on the other side of Union Station and I wish I could say the folks in my vicinity do the same.
I made an account to say-honestly!- at least one cap hill office does this! my entire office is obsessed.
I will never forgive The hyphen Toast dot net for introducing me to the DWIL forums, which I have become obsessed with. They are so busy! There are constantly new posts and updates and new insane relatives to think about!
In fairness, though, reading about these crazy relatives and how people have dealt has really helped me understand what happened to me with Those People, because when it was happening, I didn’t have anywhere like here or DWIL or even Captain Awkward at first, and it was so mystifying, like “grown ass humans don’t actually tell lies about people behind their backs and try to destroy their children’s friendships, right? that’s not what’s actually happening here, is it?” It turns out that people do, indeed, do that and that was, in fact, what was happening. It has happened to other people, even, and there are ways to get out and protect yourself, and yes, the situation really is that bizarre.
Same. I haven’t even taken a peek at DWIL yet (I’m still reading through all the CA archives that a commenter here directed me to months ago) but I certainly fit the bill for it and I never would have found these places without The Toast. Thanks, commentariat.
Seeing “grown ass humans do x thing and it hurts people and they don’t care that they are hurting people, and I’m not the only person who thinks this is bad behavior because others on the internet also have this issue” is SO helpful.
Right! At the time Nicole first linked to it, I was having intense anxiety about not wanting my mom present for the birth of my daughter, and felt so alone in that – like a monster ungrateful daughter. I cannot tell you what it felt like when I realized that was a Thing! And when my parental relationship devolved even more, it was a great comfort to be able to have a place where people were so matter-of-factly like, fuck that shit. No angst, no arguments for being the bigger person, no “they did the best they could with what they had.” My life is measurably, materially better now.
Yeah, I appreciate the DWIL forums and my in-laws aren’t even horrid – but they have done a lot of things that I was upset about and not sure I had the right to be upset about (taking over my eldest child’s first birthday party, ‘offering’ to babysit literally 10 times an hour so that I felt pushed out of my own house, lots of things like that). Lurking over at DWIL helped me realize I do have a right to those feelings and I can push back and firmly refuse such ‘help’ without guilt. I really think the alternative was going to be me pushing it down and becoming irrevocably bitter toward them, so. Thanks Nicole, thanks Toast.
Yes, I too have gotten lost in the DWIL since Nicole mentioned it. The advice is validating. The book list at the bottom of the sticky is good too.
My boss just brought up the Hulk Hogan suit and we’re having a clerk write it up, you guys. I feel so In The Know! Thanks, The Hyphen Toast Dot Net!
I only learned about home children after a particularly depressing episode of Call the Midwife (although those kids were sent to Australia), but it seems so crazy to me that I’d never even heard about this practice before, let alone the abuses that went with it. Is this taught in the UK or Canada?
It wasn’t when I was doing my elem/high school, but we did have that Canadian Heritage Minute abour french families adopting irish children, which is not really the same thing. I also did Fr immersion, so maybe the curriculum was different?
I wasn’t taught about it at school (UK, I’m 38). I think I found out about it watching who do you think you are.
I posted a comment above to this effect but usually when it is covered in elementary and secondary education in Canada, it’s really cursory. (That being said, it can differ pretty wildly by province and curriculum standards.) It’s just not a major topic of discussion since it’s kids, social welfare, and took place at a time when lots of other MAJOR changes were going on in Canadian society.
Thanks! I actually spent a few years in Canada during elementary school and didn’t remember learning about it (but we moved away halfway through Canadian history).
It’s the kind of thing that might be mentioned briefly in a history class, or there are books about it (I think I may have read a book about it as a child) but it’s certainly not routinely taught, and not in any great detail. Which applies to pretty much all of the UK’s imperialist/colonialist history – quite how I managed to get through my education without learning any of Britain’s imperial history is astonishing since that’s, you know, most of our important history.
History curriculum for me went from about 1066-1600, no later. Thanks, National Curriculum!
There is a movie- Orange and Sunshine- that basically goes in to the cover ups by the government bodies and churches involved, and the whistle blower about it in Australia. There have been a few exhibitions about it in Australia but it is not well known. It was in my social care subjects at university though, and there was a national apology.
Thanks – I’ll have to check out that movie.
I’ve never heard of it before today! But we did touch briefly on Orphan Train children in a college American History class, which seems like it’s probably a similar thing – children sent west on the train, farther and farther, until someone likes the looks of them (for farm labor, or whatever).
There was a very moving PBS series on this.
I never learned about home children in school (Alberta, 1990’s), but I also never learned about residential schools for aboriginal children, which looking back, had an enormous importance and impact to our community…
The only reason we learned about the Japanese Internment was due to an book in English class (Obasan), otherwise, I don’t think that would have been taught, either. I hope that has changed.
In Ontario they just changed the curriculum to make learning about residential schools mandatory (it as previously optional), as part of the TRC recommendations, which is a big important step forward. Hopefully we are moving toward fully accepting the full, heart-breaking scope of colonialist horror.
I’m glad that’s happening, hopefully in other provinces too. Knowing some of the nasty things I heard growing up, I doubt it would be taught very often in some places if it was left optional.
Of my entire public school education, I think the most the significant deficiency was in the (lack of) learning about aboriginal people’s history. I may have been taught the Genesis from the Bible in Biology 12 during the chapter about natural selection, but never mentioning or teaching about events like the residential school programs was a bigger problem – how can a person reflect on a topic that no one talks about?
If you have, or know people who have, kids, buy these books and start these conversations at home: 10 books about residential schools to read with your kids
I learned about it from an episode of Murdoch Mysteries.
I’m American, and I picked it up from Anne of Green Gables. I think at some point in elementary school we got a sanitized version of orphan trains, which is the same kind of practice from eastern cities out to the midwest and west of the US.
I definitely learned about orphan trains from the children’s book series about them.
Oh, god, this comment from the abortion clinic escort piece is heartbreaking:
Back when I was having babies, I was involved in an infertility support group. One of the women there had been trying with her husband to conceive for years. They were broken by their desperation for a baby. They eventually saved enough money to do IVF…. and ended up pregnant with quints. The woman had a chronic health issue plus they had a previous stillbirth, and they were told by more than one doctor that they needed to reduce the pregnancy to a single or twins if they wanted any chance of the mom and babies to survive.
So after all those years of heartache, all those years of tears, all those years of empty cribs and wanting, they had to selectivey abort three babies to save her life and the lives of the other two. All of us were devastated for them, it was so brutal and unfair.
But what made it a nightmare, and I am still enraged 15 years later thinking about it, is that on the way into their appointment where they would have to lose their precious, wanted babies, people yelled shit like this at them. “Mommy don’t kill me.” I can’t even. I CAN’T EVEN. Those words will never leave her. She has already suffered so much. Do you think they want to be there? For that matter do these people think ANY woman wants to be in the position of needing an abortion?
I know this is not the ideal solution (the ideal solution would be to recognize these protestors as harassers not people exercising their rights to free speech) but could clinics have a set of noise canceling headphones that escorts lend out when walking people to cars? Is this a feasible coping strategy?
It would probably be doable, but might not have much effect. Most of the yelling comes when the patient is arriving. You’d have to have the headphones ready and be standing at their car the moment they come out. I don’t know how other clinics do this, but at my Planned Parenthood the practice is to give the patients space and let them ask for what they need, and approach them only if they seem distressed or if a protestor is getting in their face.
I guess if I were arriving at one of these clinics, I’d want to be able to hear just so that I could attempt to avoid getting hurt if one of the protesters decided to actually attack me. But that’s me — I am pretty distrustful in these situations that people will obey the law, etc.
I think I would want a large brightly colored umbrella to shield myself from the protesters morally as well as physically and visually. Do clinic escorts ever carry giant umbrellas?
(as a very small replacement for the real lacking need, of course, the lack of proper protective laws for women seeking health care)
Well, that’s the thing, if you were a patient at my clinic and that’s what you wanted, it could probably be arranged! We do indeed have umbrellas in the security office, some of which are large and brightly colored.
Jesus. I’m going to have to build up a lot of emotional reserve to even peek at that piece, aren’t I? What horrible people.
The episode of Black-ish referenced above was fantastic. The most affecting part to me was the bit about Obama, and the fear felt when he got out of his car in the inauguration parade. I remember feeling that same fear myself, all through his first inauguration–he was so exposed, and I was terrified for him, and sad that we still live in a country where that terror could still exist.
That bit was what hit me, too. I remember having that fear, but I had kinda forgot about it until this episode. And having the footage, it really brought those feelings back.
Part of what made me, a white person, so afraid was spending the year before the election registering voters. I worked with mostly young black people, who all would say some variation of, “If he gets elected, someone will just shoot him. They won’t let us have a black president.” And my gut response was, “No, no they won’t. He’ll be safe.” But some part of me knew they were right, that he was in more danger and would always be in more danger. And that these 19-year-old kids were saying that so matter-of-factly was heartbreaking.
Just here to show some love for Kate Spade. My electric blue leather bag is awesome and I love her for it!
There is a sad empty place inside me, that could have been filled by a neon red Kate Spade bag that I bought once on clearance at TJ Maxx and then returned because it was to frivolous. It wasn’t! But now it is gone forever (I went back the next week to re-buy it, actually. No luck.) and I am just cold inside.
Take heart! If you join the mailing list, they send you secret sale emails which usually means 30% off!
Oh, yes, I need more encouragement to spend money!
I feel the exact same way about a pair of peep-toe red and white dot high heels by Ralph Lauren that I didn’t buy 10 years ago. When I found a pair of red peep-toe slingbacks a few years back I grabbed them and clutched them too me like my lost children.
I had never bothered to look at Kate Spade (I just knew they made expensive handbags) and now I wish I hadn’t heard of them because LORD AMIGHTY a lot of that stuff is my aesthetic.
Oh beloved Toasties! Speaking of clinic escorts, I sent $25 to Planned Parenthood today because if 500 people donate before midnight (the website doesn’t say what time zone), Joss Whedon will donate $80,000 to PP! It only takes a minimum $5 donation to count. Do your part to make Joey Whee shell out $80,000!
Is there a counter somewhere? How close are they?
I have no idea. There’s not a counter on the site. =(
Oh well. Sending $$$ anyways, because it’s PP, and why would you not, if you could?
Also, I really hope Whedon donates the $80k whether or not they hit the goal.
Done! Thank you for sharing.
Fuck it why not. I’m always telling myself I need to donate to PP anyway. Money awaaay!
Thanks, I just donated as well!
@onekitchenkife, let’s say it’s for your birthday. Happy Birthday!
True story: there was a time in my company when each employee could donate $100/month to a charity of their choice. I discovered that two people were donating to religious abstinence-promoting organizations, so I donated my $100 to PP to counteract that. THEN, years later, I get an email from my boss asking me to explain to his wife that his company is donating money to PP on my request (as opposed to, I dunno, him paying for some girl’s PAP smear? They apparently had some trust issues). Massively inappropriate, but a delicious piece of drama nonetheless.
Anyway, I just donated again.
UPDATE: I just got an email from PP saying they met Joss’s challenge in under an hour!
There’s a new goal! Now that they’ve gotten enough donations to get Joss Whedon’s $80k, Planned Parenthood wants to try to make it to $160,000 in donations before midnight. So for anyone who hasn’t donated and thought they missed the challenge, there’s a new one to beat! Go, Planned Parenthood, go!
Done. Thanks for the heads-up, you marvelous creature.
Awesome! They get a monthly donation from me, I think spurred by a different Whedon pledge?
I may not totally love how he writes women, but the man is a staunch PP supporter and that is fantastic.
Kate Spade went to my high school! She’s literally the only famous person to graduate from there!
That is all, carry on.
ETA: apparently she is now Kate Valentine? Whatever, not important. Did I mention she went to my high school?
Hey! My friend went to that high school (I only know because “Kate Spade went to my high school” is a her go-to anecdote whenever she sees a Kate Spade bag). Anyways, hi!
What do you guys think of this:
UK company introduces ‘period’ policy for female staff:
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/mar/…
whoa whoa ok a generous time off policy that makes a point of it being ok to take time off for periods, putting it out there that they suck and are as legit pain-wise as an illness or injury, awesome. But I’d be cringing SO hard if anyone started talking about the “most productive time of the cycle” and basically the whole second half of that article! It’s pinging way hard on my bullshit radar, and not all women have periods or experience them the same way, and if we *do* have natural rhythms, do those REALLY need to benefit our employers?
Beyond not all women have periods or experience them the same way there are also people who are not women who have periods. Just give everyone a generous amount of paid personal time and trust them to use it when they need to.
I get the need to specifically call out women and period pain because we’re told it’s shameful and we gotta power through it, it can’t be THAT bad, etc etc. But the same goes for lots of health things & other genders, so….if you can get across “no, really, even for period stuff and headaches and mental health days and things that might be contagious and we won’t make you justify any of it” in HR language, I’ll be very impressed!
Yeah, I was thinking something along those lines – why not just institute a policy that says “sick days are for times you feel physically unwell, no questions asked, mental health needs, and appointments et al”? I get that they’re trying to make a positive point, but they could actually improve the sick day situation for LOTS of folks!
I mean, I don’t know anything about the “cycles” of winter/spring stuff, but as I am currently doing my best to mask my day-one period pains at the office, having a day or two out of office would be nice. It’s sort of weird (ie gross and a societal problem) that we have this stigma against period pain being “valid” pain for missing work.
It is totally gross and not weird at all; patriarchy “allowed” women to join the workforce (it is too hard to agitate for change when you are stuggling for your daily bread), but in no way changed work the way work was conceived, so female bodies just… got shoved into male paradigms. *surprise*
Why not just more paid time off, that you can use without disclosing details about your cycle? I have a lot of problems with this.
oh my god. The cynic in me is wincing at the description of “winter state” and “spring state” and I mean some people are able to function at 100% on their periods with very little trouble, on the other hand I have taken time off work for my period and I’ve noticed that I’m amazingly productive right afterward (Is that a thing!!!?) so a policy like that would work beautifully for me, actually.
I’m pretty sure my least productive time is the week or so before, when all i can think about is finding more chocolate.
Also possibly you are more productive right after because taking time off work is awesome? Or maybe there are seasons to our cycles and I’m just out of touch with mine! Who knows.
I start acting like I’ve been tranquilized the day or so before…
That would make sense, but I’ve noticed the productivity happens regardless of whether I do actually take time off (I’ve only done that once or twice). I thought it was just a weird me-thing so it’s interesting to hear that perhaps other people are similarly affected? Or maybe it’s still me? Idk, I’m a big believer in “this weird thing is happening to me, it’s probably hormones” but it could just be the joy of no longer bleeding continuously!
WHO KNOWS? No one because we haven’t bothered to study periods enough which is one of my medical and scientific pet peeves!
I get a similar thing. Not sure if this is actually the case, but I’ve always attributed it to the fact that I tend to get more sadness/anxiety/general brain garbage over the last week before my period that basically entirely disappears with the bleeding. (I realize that cycles technically start with your period, but I don’t care; also apparently still dealing with some residual shame that I’ve betrayed women by admitting that PMS makes me cry, but fuck those thoughts.) But so then after my period is over, I just feel really good about things and able to focus well.
I get it too, I have way more energy right after my period. I think it’s because the week after your period is done, you get a ton of testosterone and estrogen. And it’s especially noticeable because those two hormones plummet right before you start, so the contrast is sharp.
Goodness that seems very… fraught. On the one hand, yes, there are times when cramps do interfere with being my best working self. On the other hand, seriously??? On the third hand, can I also take off when my baby is teething or something? Because I am not my best Working Self those days either! Frankly if I limited myself to coming in when I really felt like I was going to be all-out super-productive, I’d probably show up three times a month. Back on the second hand, how do you keep from sliding into some sort of weird thing where the unclean are not welcome at work?
Pretty sure a more generous personal time policy would just solve this without getting super weird. But maybe I’m just being too Puritanical! But maybe not, IDK.
I don’t care for it. Everyone’s experience is so different. We all have unique needs and any combination of mental and physical issues from time to time. Generous PTO that can be used for anything, isn’t overly questioned and you aren’t made to feel bad for using (provided you don’t repeatedly make problems for others in the office as a result of being out) seems the way to go, I think.
THIS. Nevermind what i do with my time off, if i am doubled over from cramps or attending an anarchist potluck, it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, boss. You don’t OWN me, man.
“Pope, who describes herself as a women’s leadership coach and educator in the “field of menstruality”,”
“field of menstruality,” y’all.
Palm to face. I really MUST add that to my CV. (where did that pesky sarcasm font go…)
I’m envisioning a literal field with blood all over it.
Aside from the issues other commenters have raised, I also feel like… this would still invite people to have an opinion about one’s period. Mine does not play nice and I currently vary between 2 to 6 weeks in my cycle length, with a ton of pain. It doesn’t fit the narrative of a “normal” period and it would be horrible to have to explain it.
Just give people PTO and don’t give them shit for using it ffs.
This is so gross. And it reminds me of when I was 14 and my youth group leader at the time was a huge hippie and tried to tell me that my “cycle” was wonderful and natural and synced up with the moon, and that I shouldn’t be unhappy.
I was in pain. I was bleeding through heavy tampons every 3 hours. I felt awful. Suggesting that I should be happy about it, especially as someone who knew she probably didn’t want children, and certainly not for at least a decade after that? It was an awful thing to tell a child.
To say “hey periods are natural for people, and we should let people take time off when they’re in pain.” Sure, great idea! I have a friend who used to faint from anemia occasionally on her period. But glorifying menstruation is also very weird. You don’t have to make it mystic. You can just treat it as a normal thing that bodies do and that should be accommodated as reasonable.
Also, it’s grossly gender essentialist as described in the article and I haaaaaaaaate it.
I was a Patient Escort at Planned Parenthood for years.
It was at times rough and always super rewarding.
I was called so many things. Which mostly roll off your back.
My favorite was one very cold February morning a woman starting whispering to me, “You don’t have to do this just because your friends are. Don’t be a babykiller.” You’re trained to not engage with protesters while Patient Escorting. Which is fine, there are other venues for that. But it did take all I had to not yell, “Its 8am on a Saturday in February! Do you think I”m here because my friend is?!?!?!?! Get away” Instead I laughed to my self and walked up to a woman and helped her walk past them.
So, in short, go support Planned Parenthood.
Just gave them 35 bucks to thank them in honor of your awesome-sauceness.
Yaaaasss! Thank you.
I don’t think I could resist yelling back something sarcastic like “But all the cool kids are doing it!”
WTF is wrong with people’s brains, that they actually think women are having abortions because it’s… I dunno, popular and fun?
The Nina Simone doc is a good one, but doesn’t even hint at the queerness that is, apparently,in the book (which I had never heard about before). Another lesson in how I should trust my queerdar 100% of the time.
<a href=”http://www.davedanblog.wordpress.com” target=”_blank”>www.davedanblog.wordpress.com
Oops, here it is! The link to ~happiness~
I forgot to include it up there, in my introduction.
(4 billion years of evolution for me to mess up. Do forgive me.)
My great-grandpa was a Canadian home child. I don’t know much about him, partly because he never shared much about his past to his family since it was too upsetting to him. My grandpa and dad speculated that a lot of our family’s more maladaptive interactions have a root back in the fact that though he did his best, but didn’t have much of a family to pattern his behaviour after.
What I was able to learn was that he and his sister (who we think he never saw again) were not orphans, but perhaps illegitimate or their family had no money. Anyway, their mother might have been tricked or coerced into giving them up.
He ran away from his indentured servitude in Ontario as a teen, barely literate, then lied about his age to enlist in Army. Eventually he settled in Saskatchewan.
I wish I knew more about him.
I feel like in the future the NFB will fund a documentary following you investigating this, and I will watch it.
Now I’m wondering if I should try and get a list of children’s names from the mass grave. I never knew it existed before I read that article. The time, place, and organization (Bernardo’s) would fit my g grand aunt’s timeline. 🙁
Unrelated to the links, but Ian McShane is going to play Wednesday in the new American Gods series and I am SO excited. He and Ricky Whittle are both so perfectly cast (but I would expect nothing less from Bryan Fuller). Also, Neil Gaiman retweeted my tweet about it. So yeah. Today is a good day.
Whaaaaaaaaat?
(yes this is perfect)
I’m actually a little scared by how excited I am by this. Like, every bit of news I hear about it is awesome and there’s no way that it can live up to the show that’s coming together in my head.
Right? All of these pieces are far too fantastic. Although really, Bryan Fuller never lets me down. Which in itself is scary for me, he’s got to make something not perfect at some point, right?
it’s such perfect casting. can’t wait to see who else they get!
I haven’t actually read American Gods (I should really get on that) but more Ian McShane in everything! (also excited about Fuller being the showrunner).
GET ON IT.
Get on it! It’s so good.
I’m finish grad school in just over two months (hoo fucking ray). Instead of using my time to, like, look for jobs or do papers or whatever, I’m trying to decide which quote from Hamilton to put on my cap. Current front runner: “There’s a million things I haven’t done. Just you wait.”
Which reminds me, I should go buy my regalia soon.
Suggestion: “I am inimitable, I am an original.” And two thumbs up for finishing grad school–go, you!!!
Hooray finishing grad school! I’m on about the same timeline. I was doing really good trying to apply for jobs but now I’m trying to find a cheap vacation I can take after I finish. I just want to sit, unplug, and drink for like… a month.
I am completely unfamiliar with Hamilton, but that seems like a great quote!
There’s a possibility I’m a shoo-in for a job that would start July 1, which would mean a month and a half of not working. We can’t afford it. Full stop. But it is so tempting.
This is A+ the best.
I’m due to graduate at the same time, assuming I can finish and defend my thesis, which…let’s just say that listening to “Non-Stop” is no longer fun, because I am actually running out of time.
OMG same. Except I don’t have to write a thesis, but I do have to finish a buttload of projects in my practicum and do a big research project (and our partnering agency are being TOTAL SHITHEADS to the point where we might not be allowed to collect data, which means not graduating, JFC) and nope there is no time for anything anymore.
Congratulations! I like that quote very much!
I graduated in December and someone had “Young, Scrappy, and Hungry” on their cap. I laughed.
The AAM letter just reminds me of my landlords refusal to deal with our ceiling critters, even though we’ve had three bats AND A BIRD in the apartment. Let me tell you, it is super fun to come home and have your indoor-only cat proudly drop a dead bird at your feet.
We’re moving in a few months so it doesn’t seem worth the effort to pursue legal avenues even though we have them.
That’s good catting, there. But the bats are worrisome. Is your indoor cat current with all shots especially rabies?
Yes! Although we had a huge scare a few months ago- cat came to us a stray and vet wanted to wait several months to give her the rabies shot, they wanted her to put on some weight and not shock her system. So of course we have a bat show up two days before her rabies shot appointment- and they had been in the same room for an undetermined amount of time! It all ended up OK but it was incredibly nerve-wracking.
And while you’re of course right about the cats needing to be up on their shots if we get bats in the apt, I actually find the bats far less worrisome than the bird! Even newer buildings in New England frequently have stray bats get inside, plus they have the ability to sneak through small spaces. No clue how a sparrow managed to get in though
Aw, your kitty was so proud! Ha!
Nina was bipolar and bisexual! My people! (Except I’m white.)
I am very happy to learn that the Toast has a pro-Tom Bombadil stance.
I read that piece about British Home Children last week (coincidentally I do not live very far from where that murder occurred), and really, really, really hope that my ancestors, who are Central Ontario farm folk, did not participate in it. Or if they did, at least treated them well.
I have spent quite a few happy minutes giggling over the ridiculous names that other people give their cats and I’m just about to put the only slightly less ridiculous names of my two in for protection by Bastet.
I think my favorite so far is Tube Sock.
I rather like Dagny, Princess of Pussycats & Itty Bitty Witchy Kitty
Omg. These names.
Faves:
–Yo-yo Surfer Precious (is she precious WHILE surfing and doing yo-yo?)
–Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington aka Mimsy (why not aka Nick?)
–Pluto Cloudmonster (just has a nice ring to it)
–Dr. Schubert P Cookie (Ph.D. in nutrition, I hope)
–RuPau (really hoping it’s pronounced Ru-Paw)
–Bea Arthur C Clarke (GENERAL AWESOMENESS)
I’m also mad at the person in Houston who named their cats Taco and Tico, because that must confuse the heck out of the poor things. Face of Boe is another mean-spirited one. I hope it’s ironic and that cat is gorgeous.
I want to know the story behind all of these. “Banquo aka Fredrick.” Why Fredrick as a nickname for Banquo? What’s the origin of “World Encompassing Game Ending Glitch”?
I also want to run numbers and figure out what work of fiction has the most cats named after it (how many have Harry Potter-related names vs. Star Wars related, etc etc etc)
Top 3 so far:
Figaro aka Figgy Stardust
Linus, Emperor of Poland Street
Jebediah aka Mr. Full of Bees
I can’t judge, my entire family is historically really terrible at naming pets. NEVER let me name your pet. The only good one we ever came up with was Zelda, because we got that cat shortly after acquiring an NES, but others were called Calico, Big Boy, Stinky (he had worms when we got him), Crazy (we tried to call her something else but nothing else stuck), and The Little Kitty. The Little Kitty never had a real name, and we never shortened it to a nickname, it was just always The Little Kitty.
I am often thankful that my two current pets came into my life serendipitously as they did, but I am also grateful that they came from someone else who gave them proper if fanciful names.
I once fostered a cat I tried to call “Belle” but her Real Name was “Pretty” because that’s what I called her. She was too!
Butt-butt. Omg.
Nobody beats my Elinor Gesunheit and her Tongue of Doom.
A++ cat names! Mine is Maya Lenore, aka Booga.
Isis (Brad)
WHO YOU GONNA CALL??!! https://youtu.be/w3ugHP-yZXw
(Don’t read the comments though, yuck)
THEM, I AM GOING TO CALL THEM, IT LOOKS SO GOOD.
Eeeee! So excited!
I’m way more optimistic than I was 2 minutes and 38 seconds ago.
Wait, maybe this time:
Kermit FLAILY ARMS! Eeee. Also, I watched the trailer and laughed so +1 there too.
Aaaaaaaaaa yay OMG I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am super down with this trailer, it looks so great! I think the only thing I’m gonna have to take time to adjust to is the wildly-improved special effects on the ghosts. SFX has really come a long way in 30 years.
I’m kind of opposed to the ghosts being all shiny and luminescent like that. It kind of makes them seem less in-the-world.
In case anyone missed a little hot RBG action.:
Ginsburg asked Keller how many women would live 100 miles or more from a clinic if the Texas law went into effect. About 25 percent, he responded—but that didn’t include the clinic in Santa Teresa, New Mexico, just over the border from El Paso. The existence of this clinic featured heavily in the 5th Circuit’s decision to uphold the Texas statute; it asserted that the law did not impose on “undue burden” on abortion-seeking El Paso women, because they could simply cross state lines for the procedure.
“That’s odd that you point to the New Mexico facility,” Ginsburg said, in a clear and firm voice. New Mexico, after all, doesn’t force abortion clinics to meet the same standards that Texas would—standards which, Texas claims, are absolutely critical to protect women.
“So if your argument is right,” Ginsburg continued, “then New Mexico is not an available way out for Texas, because Texas says: To protect our women, we need these things. But send them off to New Mexico,” to clinics with more lenient standards, “and that’s perfectly all right.”
“Well,” Ginsburg concluded, with just a hint of pique in her voice, “If that’s all right for the women in the El Paso area, why isn’t it right for the rest of the women in Texas?”
She is my hero.
Also I’m pretty sure New Mexico tried this whole admitting-privilege/ASC malarky too (though I think it didn’t pass). “It’s fine because other states haven’t done it… yet” is a transparently terrible argument against undue burden.
RBG is the best. I hope this Jane Kelly person that Obama is considering turns out to be super legit (I don’t actually know anything about her except that she was a public defender before being a judge and would be the only person with that background on the court, and that the guy in charge of the committee sang her praises when she was nominated and then confirmed for her position on the Court of Appeals). But I hope that she and RBG become besties and that the 3 woman block on the Supreme Court becomes a 4 woman block and someday someone writes a book about it and teaches me how to be more of a badass.
Ooh I did not know he was maybe vetting Jane Kelly, that’s such a smart pick and I love that if that happens Obama would have nearly gender balanced the Supreme Court.
Chuck Grassley has rhapsodized about her in public (about how wonderful and qualified she is), so it would be pretty awkward and embarrassing for him to back away from her now. (Which I’m sure is what they were counting on).
My lovely book club read “The Notorious RBG” last month and it was such a love fest! We’ve legit considered just rebranding ourselves as an RBG fanclub that occasionally reads books on other subjects.
Might I suggest Equal: Women Reshape American Law by Fred Strebeigh as a follow-up? It’s about the women lawyers and judges who had a big hand in anti-discrimination laws (pretty much half of it is RBG’s cases).
Ugh, that bad office smell post. My parents are having a similar problem, but at home. A rat, or something, died in the wall where their food pantry is. I opened the pantry door when I was visiting and nearly started dry heaving. I can’t imagine trying to WORK ALL DAY in that smell. Fuck that manager guy.
Also, I’ve said this before, but clinic escorts are unsung heroes.
Thank you to the Toastie who recced Destiny of a Republic on Presidents’ Day! I am thoroughly enjoying learning about James Garfield and the astonishingly different way presidential campaigns ran in the late 1800s.
A couple of amusing quotes from my morning commute: Garfield had “dangerous enemies and problematic friends” (don’t we all?) and once admitted, “I am a poor hater.”
Loved that audiobook. Have you listened to Assassination Vacation?
No, not yet!
Obviously not as scholarly as DOAR, but I just love Sarah Vowell’s voice (both as a writer, and her actual out-loud voice).
As soon as I saw the author, I added it to my to-listen list. 🙂 I actually haven’t yet read anything by her, believe it or not! But I’m looking forward to fixing that.
This is irrelevant to everything, but I would love advice/sympathy/whatever. There’s a march on Saturday for International Woman’s Day in my city and I’m thinking about going, but I won’t know anyone there and I’m kind of nervous. It seems like a chance to maybe meet like-minded, interesting people, but it also seems like a chance to feel very alone in a large crowd of strangers. Help?
big things like that are so awkward to meet people at, but good for one-off conversations with people you might never see otherwise! I’d go so you don’t regret not going, but have a plan B (like a book & a coffeeshop) in case you’re like, nah, this is no fun.
Oh I feel this so much. I think it depends on you tbh. I’ve tried this but am more shy in new situations and wait for people to talk to me instead of meeting people and so I ended up feeling alone in large crowds the first couple times I went to events alone. I find smiling at people works for me sometimes but usually I just need to muster up the courage to be like “This is great right!” at strangers. Good luck if you go and I hope you meet at least one new person.
Well I mean, what else were you going to do on Saturday? ‘Cause if the alternative is feeling very alone in a small crowd or feeling very alone on your couch at home: why not feel very alone in a large crowd?
I think you should go! I feel the same way but remember, even if it is kind of uncomfortable you don’t have to do something like it again. Seems low risk/possible reward situation to me. I also like Emily’s thought of having a plan B.
Ymmv, but I always feel less awkward being by myself in big crowds like that, because everyone’s crowded together and you’re not obviously alone. It’s not like sitting in a bar clearly not talking to anyone. Also, since they’re in outdoor, public places it would be easy to just go check it out, and see if you’re comfortable joining in or not. And I think the energy of things like that is fun just to be around, even if you don’t talk to anyone. I vote for going to see it, if nothing else!
Is there some kind of event before the march? Or some meet-up spot? You could head there and see if anyone else looks as alone as you are, or find a group who would be glad to have you.
If individual groups are going to be participating and you like the work of any of them, see if they’re open to non-members hanging out with them during the March.
Facebook could be a good way to find people to go with if it has an event page. Signal your interest, read the comments and post to ask if anyone is also going alone or is welcoming of strangers walking with them. Everyone is interested in getting as many people to attend as possible, so hopefully people will be welcoming (especially if you’re a woman).
I know what you mean, though. I never go to Pride events for this same reason, since nobody I know ever goes, or they’re marching in sections that aren’t related to my own identity or politics. 🙁
Go, and if it’s terrible, just leave again!
Everyone *should* definitely watch the Nina Simone doc! I never knew much about her before and it was so illuminating. And like there’s so much to touch on and her life was just incredible – triumphant and sad at different times and at the same time sometimes.
Yes! Illuminating and sad, that’s what it was. I’m glad I saw it. Although, after reading the linked book review, I don’t recall that there is any mention of Nina’s interest in women. Was there?
I honestly don’t remember either. But I think if it was I would have, so it must not have been included or at least not in a significant way?
I think I will rewatch this weekend…
Hey Toasties! This might be too late–maybe I’ll repost it on the Link Roundup tomorrow–but I just wanted to ask the wise hive mind of the Toast about something…
I’m thinking about applying for a secondary english school teaching job with the peace corps (PCV thing) in albania.
I was wondering if any Toasties have any experience/thoughts on PCV stuff? My mother is dead set against it, saying it’s not worth the risk. I’ve been looking online and it seems more the problem for one’s self is PCV and sexual violence/rape…it seems like they’re not doing a very good job with believing women who say they’ve been raped/telling volunteers who’ve been rape d that it’s their fault. My college experience was kind of like this, and I don’t really want to go back into that type of environment…anyone who can say if/what’s true, have any advice?
There’s also the idea about whether PCV positions are really the best way to help internationally/get experience/etc. I’m not sure. Any thoughts from y’all?
Love the Toast!!!!
I did Peace Corps ask me anything
I’ve been thinking about the Peace Corps too; are you thinking about applying in June? I asked for Toastie experiences on the PC in the Feb 12 open thread and people had great answers, that’s definitely worth finding. Your question about their sexual assault policies are really important, I’ll keep an eye out for that thread!
Sorry I will answer the two questions
1. Peace Corps and sexual assault- My personal experience was they are not great with security issues in general. Most volunteers never have them but when you do your options are limited by 1) the ability of peace corps to move you (it’s a huge mess for them to do that so they avoid it) 2.) The local laws- like the US a lot of countries do not have legal systems that are well able to handle sexual assault laws.
The good news is that thanks to the lobbying efforts of RPCVs Peace Corps has made changes to their policy so things have hopefully improved since my service- http://www.peacecorps.gov/volunteer/learn/safety/…
2. I think that Peace Corps is a good way to get really valuable international experience because you generally are embedded in a local community for two years. That’s a lot longer than really any other international volunteer type program and because of this you really become a part of the community and see the ground level barriers that often stymie international development.
3. In terms of doing valuable development work I think it’s important to remember that Peace Corps has 3 goals and two of them are on cultural exchange. I think Peace Corps does those two goals really well. In terms of your sector work it’s a mixed bag that depends on your country director, funding availability, community placement. You will fail a lot especially your first year and a lot of the work you accomplish and will be most proud of probably won’t be the photo op worthy work people think of when they think of Peace Corps.
I don’t know anything about the Peace Corps, so I can’t help with that. If you’re set on teaching English abroad, there are lots of options to choose from, especially if you’re from an English-speaking country. You can get a teaching certification (some of them are part-time so you’re able to work while doing this) and apply directly to schools and language schools, or look for other volunteer placing schemes that are reputable and safe and whose work you like. A lot of language school jobs are smaller and close-knit so it might be easier to find out the views of the people you’ll be working for and getting advice from.
I don’t know how safe Albania is. From what I’ve heard, it’s fine for solo women travellers but I don’t know what it’s like as a place for a longer stay. Maybe browse some forums aimed at women travellers to see what they have to say?
Also a PCV, and I feel like we had a TON of training regarding personal safety and what might happen in a rape or sexual violence situation. It all seemed like the right things to say, but I don’t know anyone (thankfully!) who experienced it to know how they would really react. In general, I think my country office were VERY concerned with volunteers’ personal safety.
In terms of gaining int’l experience, I still think it’s one of the best and I’m very grateful for the experience. Your “help” may feel a bit thin or unneeded, but that’s not the only reason you’re there. Cross-cultural exchange is a big, somewhat hidden part of it. There aren’t many opportunities for Americans to really LIVE embedded in local communities – and I say that as someone who has gone on to work in international development as a career.
I’m really excited to know that Mallory is a fan of Tom Bombadil.
Ask Johnstown. Broken dams and 100 foot waves are nothing to fuck with. Those poor Iraqis.
Adding a disgusting office vermin story. I’m following suit with the thoughtful person above and putting the (mice-and-maggot-ridden) details in a reply.
The windows in this office weren’t properly insulated, so keeping them open was sometimes a choice between tolerating any smells that were percolating and having nearby construction dust wafting in. The size of the staff had very quickly outstripped the actual available space, but the CEO was cheap, and we ended up with a rabbit warren situation and a rapidly diminishing recycling/mail area where people would pile various paper junk and broken-down boxes. This pile would sometimes go weeks without being cleared out, and had to reach some sort of comical critical status to be addressed (usually by an assistant/intern.) So come one Cleanup Day, the poor designated temporary janitor comes back from his duty totally ashen-faced. It turned out nobody had gotten to the pile in awhile, nobody, that is, except for some unfortunate mice who had been crushed beneath the mailing detritus. They’d spent some time marinating there and being mashed into the hadn’t-been-replaced-since-the-’70s carpet. The guy initially thought they were still alive and maybe were just stuck on a dislodged sticky trap, but no, it was just a really lively mass of maggots writhing around. And this wasn’t some back staircase landing. It was an openish area in the *middle of the office* that everyone had been walking past multiple times a day, every day, blissfully ignorant of the horror buried beneath. At least there wasn’t much of a smell?
OH MY GOD THAT IS TRULY THE WORST.
Aaaaaigh. This is really open thread fare, but I just had a meeting with my boss. It actually went pretty well, but then at the end she talked to me about how I need to control my responses better and basically be less emotional.
This stems from a meeting we had a couple weeks ago, in which the conversation went like this (as far as I remember):
Me: These are the specific aims we talked about months ago (begins to explain little diagram, short hand descriptions of goals)
Boss: These are not specific aims. These are techniques.
Me: I don’t understand, this is what we went over a few months ago.
Boss: Well, this is wrong.
Me. I am frustrated that we spoke about this earlier and now you don’t approve.
At that point is where I remember feeling emotional and upset. Context, this has happened several times. And in reality, she does agree with my aims (basically goals, plans for the future etc) but she was not communicating well.
She does this all the time. And I don’t know how to fix it! I could stand to try and remain calm, but when she won’t listen to me and won’t communicate, and fixates on one wrong thing instead of listening to my actual point, that is when I start to get frustrated and emotional. I have attempted to talk to her about this before, and her response was “So it’s all my fault?” No! I would just like to work on BOTH of our communication so that we can STOP DOING THIS.
But no, apparently I just need to control myself.
Damn I hate that kind of feedback. I once shared an office with a supervisor for nine months (and he often shut the door, so it was just us in a windowless room for 40+ hours a week), and toward the end he started taking umbrage at my face expressing emotion when he went off on me (specifically, when he said, “You’re not an editor” when writing/editing is literally all I do and have done since before high school). I didn’t say a word, but he snapped, “Wipe that look off your face.”
Bonus, of course, is that he was a high-strung little man with severe workaholicism and badly managed his own stress and emotions when tiny little details went wrong. I don’t think it’s helpful for a team leader to respond to discovering errors by announcing, “I’m quitting my job, changing my name, and leaving town.” Repeatedly. I basically felt I was required to be near-comatose in my dealings with him, or I’d get criticized for being too emotional for allowing any inflection in my voice.
It sounds like you are communicating just fine and your boss is projecting her problems onto you. Anyone who says “So it’s all my fault?!” at work shouldn’t tell someone else they are too emotional. 🙁 Does it help to show her written proof of what you’re saying when she does a turn around like this?
It helps sometimes, and I am going to try to do it more.
These types of interactions kill me though because I am usually a pretty good communicator.
It honestly sounds like she is gaslighting you, of course that would make you frustrated! You sound like you are great at communication. I know it’s natural to want to learn from your boss or use them as a role model, but it maybe you can just toss/ forget about this kind of feedback?
This won’t help with stuff that happened in the past, but from now on, try this: document every meeting, and afterwards, send her an email that includes details on everything you discussed and agreed upon.
This at least will prevent her from pulling this shit in the future.
Yes. We have already started doing this for group meetings and I do it for anything I think might need proof of her approval later, but I need to start for all of my individual meetings.
More than a bit late to the Link Roundup, but I really loved that article on autism. As someone who was recently diagnosed at 31 as being on the high-functioning side of the autistic spectrum, I’ve struggled to find accounts of people whose autism presents similarly.
I’ve already joined the Toast ADD Slack group, but does anyone know if there is an ASD Toast group as well? And if there isn’t, would anyone else be interested in joining one?
I’m not aware of an ASD group, but could you (or someone else) reshare the ADD group info? That’s something I’ve been wanting to get in on but haven’t gone through old threads to refind the email.
Sure thing! Just email: justaddtoast at gmail.com and they’ll add (ha!) you straight away.
Hi, yes, I would love that.
Yeah, I think it's pretty in line with Coach, which I don't consider luxury either. Not that they're not nice! But when there are bags in the tens of thousands of dollars… it's like a Maserati versus a Volkswagen. Is a Volkswagen a nice car? Sure! But a Maserati is a whole other level.
And yeah, it's probably gross to talk about this.
Awesome, thank you!