Hi Toasties!
The Bartender is a bit down and out of it but shall not complain. Except about something that’s annoying in all life: starting a series without realizing that the author has not finished it. Anyway. Beefy rice pairs well with quiche and cucumber. Or so one recalls from carefree days…what weird foods do you love? Cow tongue is delicious! Now open-thread!
Outdoor people and Vermont people might be interested in this article on the first women to thru-hike the Long Trail in 1927. Description of them in the paper at the time: “They have had no scares and have carried no firearms and have scorned male escorts.” Addition by the author of the current article: “The Three Musketeers did not scorn, however, the offer of a gallon of ice cream from a man near Montgomery, who brought the sweet treat upon hearing of the women’s feat.”
I feel like, “She scorned men but not, however, ice cream” should be written on my tombstone.
That’s just good sense.
I am neither an outdoor person, nor a Vermonter by a long shot but I am 100% in love with all three of these women and their boots. Good. Lord.
THOSE BOOTS!
Vermont! Hiking! Rad ladies! Boooooooooots, the best of all shoes! This is pretty much the intersection of all of my most favorite things. Thank you for sharing!
This. Is. Too. Damn. Cool.
I immediately made this photo my desktop background.
Wow!!! That l@@k tho!!!!!!! Must copy
I live in Vermont (but would never dare lay claim to being a Vermonter) and I’m pretty sure I inadvertently ended up dressing like the woman on the right a few days ago. Button down, jeans tucked into boots and leather jacket. Just missing the scarf and the pack.
I want to tie a bandanna around my head and pull my giant boots up over my jeans and hike into the woods with these three.
Love how two of them are on their smartphones and the third is like, “You’re getting no bars up here, let’s go.”
That picture and description (“they scorned male escorts”) have immediately become my LIFE GOALS. I am also pleased with the man who recognized their badassery and brought a gallon of ice cream as tribute.
Everything about the story is a new life goal of mine, but especially the ability to overawe men so much that they buy me ice cream in tribute.
Okay, I’ve been thinking recently about changing my personal style, and now I know I want it to be “1920s Hiking BAMF.”
The sign! Shouldn’t it read “To Vajayjay Peak”?
I was going to add this to the end, but it’s got to do with hiking and women, so …
I’m walking in the woods today, and some guy greets me as he passes. I say hi back, and he says something to my retreating back. So I turn to face him and take off my headphones. He introduces himself and launches into how he’s hiking the trails in my province and making youtube videos. Lately, I’ve been very conscious of people, especially strangers, especially male strangers, making demands of me, of my time, but I decide to be friendly. So we’re chatting, and one of the things he mentions is his hiking plans for the future, which will include the Appalachian Trail. I ask if he’s read Bryson’s book, he says yes, he’s read it several times, plus he’s seen the movie. (I didn’t know there was a movie.) I say how I love the part where his buddy has a tantrum and throws out the coffee filters, but it’s barely out of my mouth before this guy starts talking about “the woman.” I read the book when it first came out, and didn’t remember any noteworthy female characters. Weren’t all the women background, I thought? And he says, quite gleefully, “Oh yeah, they all HATED that woman.”
I changed the subject, and ended the conversation as quickly as I could, but when I got home, googled “bill bryson walk in the woods hated woman”. Hmmm, must be this woman:
“And Redford can’t compensate for the ugly, snide streak running throughout the entire film, especially when it deals with women. Kristen Schaal pops up as a trail-walking harridan so arrogant, grating, and leech-like that Katz suggests murdering her.”
So, was this guy thinking we’d bond over how awful women are? Gross.
http://www.avclub.com/review/loving-nature-means-…
Toasties, the past 2 weeks have been so full of everything. Major work stress (mostly resolved), seeing Hamilton (!!) and Fun Home and Eclipsed, the death of my amazing and beloved Grandfather, and starting to date the most incredible person that I’m head over teacups for.
Through it all, the delightful toast community has been a wonderful safe haven of laughter and advice. Even when I’m not begging y’all for advice, just lurking in the community is a gift which reminds me that there is a community out there waiting in the wings to step in and guide me. Truly, this is the only place on the internet (well, the open internet and not my carefully curated facebook-type internet) that the community feels like a group of supportive friends and not a minefield of supportive friends and disgusting trolls. A+ to the toasties for being brilliant.
A+++ to the-toast team for building this space, confronting gross comments so we don’t have to, and writing some of my favorite stuff.
I’m so sorry about your grandfather.
Thanks. I was both prepared (he was 96 and I got a chance to say goodbye) and totally convinced that he would live forever. So I’m both heartbroken and completely okay, which is super normal. But a weird mix of emotions.
Holy wow, bb, that is a lot of stuff going on for you. Indeed, all hurrahs for The Toast!
How was Eclipsed? I saw it at Yale Rep a few years back and loved it.
So completely brilliant. Lupita N’yongo was great, but I don’t think she was my favorite part or the show, because all the actors and the writing and the staging blew me away. So I refuse to pick a favorite part and, instead, say that I just loved soaking up the whole thing. 🙂
I follow her on Instagram, and it’s made me want to see the show so much! No idea how long it’s running, but I’m so glad you got to see it.
I splurged and got myself a ticket to see Eclipsed the night after I see Hamilton (family present). I’m glad to hear it was also wonderful!
Yay! Enjoy!
Agreed. The Toast is a haven.
I am sorry about your grandfather. It is more complex to navigate than it seems on the surface. *gentle hug* I am glad your life is filled with other buoyant and lovely things to balance the loss.
I got a new tattoo on Sunday!
It has now reached the “itching and peeling like hell” stage, which has been a blast.
That’s lovely!
I wish someone had warned me about the itching.
I remembered the itching from my first tattoo, but I forgot about the peeling. Ewwww.
oh my goodness, the whole thing is lovely, but the feet! the feet are fantastic. what excellent lines.
The artist was amazing. He drew the feet directly on my skin with a sharpie, instead of using transfer paper like he did with the body.
That. Is. Beautiful. Wow. WOW.
Daaaamn that is gorgeous!
That is beautiful. I especially like the bird’s expression. It is knowing, calm, and perfectly satisfied with its knittlework.
It is a good bird, and a wise bird.
Wow, that is a bird to have watching out for you 24/7. It’s beautiful!
My spouse has a consultation today for his next tattoo and I’m super envious. I have been thinking of getting a big garlic plant on my shoulder/upper arm, like a b&w botanical drawing style. Is that weird? Please give me honest feedback about a garlic tattoo. (some inspiration here — ignore the mason jars, that was before hipsters discovered mason jars and ruined my idea)
I think a garlic plant tattoo would be awesome, especially if it were done in the style of those old botanical illustrations – though I think it would be cooler if it were in color. If you can find an artist whose style matches your aesthetic, then I say go for it!
I think that if it speaks to you and it’s right for you then do it!
I wouldn’t have a garlic tattoo myself, but then other people wouldn’t want to be covered in the type of ‘radiating lines’ doodles that I covered my school exercise books in and it brings me endless joy to be so covered, so life, rich tapestry, etc.
I like the idea of the botanical drawing-style very much.
I think it’s weird in exactly the way all my favorite tattoos are, because most of my favorite tattoos are on my favorite people, and all my favorite people (including self) are a little bit weird. I mean, I based my biggest one on the poster for a truly awful movie, and I loooooooove it, so.
Good point! Also that tattoo of yours is awesome. Do you have a local artist you like?
I went to Josh S. at Slave to the Needle for my two big ones, I liked him a lot – he brought a lot of ideas to the tattoos, but I didn’t feel steamrolled, and I felt really comfortable with him. And the shop in general is really nice.
I love that idea, especially in the botanical-drawing style!
Envious of anybody who has tattoos–I’ve never felt strongly enough about anything to etch it into my skin, but I love how they look.
Garlic tattoo sounds brilliant!! Botanical tattoo made me think of @freeorgy on instagram…I really like her plants and flowers so you might like her style if you’re still looking for inspiration.
Oh yes indeed, that is a good lead! Thank you!
that sounds delightful, you should definitely get it!
That sounds like a really beautiful idea and also like extremely practical protection against various dread creatures!
Beautiful!
How beautiful!
I highly recommend No-No’s Plantain Boo Boo Salve by Raven’s Flight for healing tattoos, and indeed, all things. It is tremendous for the itching/peeling stage. Well, also for the red, tender, and angry stage and also the flaky/wispy stage.
Is it vegan? My spouse cannot have anything with lanolin or derivatives thereof 🙁
I believe all of her stuff is, but when I can I will double-check my jar of it. She’s amaaaaaaazing. I had my first wildcrafting herbal class from her and it was life-changing.
Oh dear! I hope you feel better soon, Bartender! Weird foods…geez, where to start. I used to eat anything. Now I’ll eat anything I’m not allergic to. I honestly do love liver, all types, all preparations. I really like offal. Mmmm. Now I want liver for dinner and that is not happening, sadly.
I took the day off because my fatigue levels are ridiculous and of course this morning I’ve already done too much and started shaking and sweating from exhaustion (I am crap at this taking it easy business) so I’m spending the rest of the day with my beloved Toasties on OT while in bed. Mmmm yes. I look forward to putting my nose into all y’all’s threads.
So we can except even more excellent gifs than usual? Perfect! (I do hope you feel better though.)
So we can except even more excellent gifs than usual?
Feel better, you beautiful land mermaid!
Rest. I am happy to hear you are taking time to rest. Be good to yourself. We need you here.
Mmmm liver. I do not love kidneys and have actually never tried tripe, but I bet tongue and heart would be perfectly delicious. I am like, the opposite of picky and will eat, as you said, just about anything I’m not allergic to (my list is weird, and includes both quinoa and romaine lettuce).
I have a quarter beef heart in my freezer waiting for a special occasion. I’m with ya on the weird allergies, bb. Coffee, cranberries, sesame seeds…wtf, body, seriously.
Have you had brains? That’s the one I’ve never tried, but only because I’ve never had the opportunity. Mmmm I just remembered sweetbreads, though. Mmmmmmmm.
Ha, I was just wondering whether to mention brains. Which I’ve had as a kid and they were de-lish. Actually, in my native language “brains” is used to described something really yummy.
Funniest thing is, me and some people from all over the world were once talking about weirdest food we’d had, and a guy whom I’d seen eat THE FREAKING EYEBALLS OF A FREAKING FISH nearly choked himself to death clutching his pearls when I said I’d had brains.
Also, I once mentioned to a (now ex-) friend about it… and only much later realised he was a militant vegan. His internal scream must have been heard in several neighbouring counties!
A friend of mine regularly roasts whole trouts and says the eyeballs are the best part! I need to have her come over and cook that for me one day.
I’m guessing it might be delicious to some, because that guy always wanted them for himself when he was sharing a big fish with some of the other people in the house… I just think it might be a texture issue for me… then again, I’m only assuming what that is like… but I’m imagining all sorts of slimy squidginess exploding all over in my mouth… :/
(that said, I really don’t like it when they serve the fish with the head, gives me the creeps, so I’m certainly biased)
Ew yeah that makes me go “yuck” too. I cannot even with bubble tea.
I’m with you on the bubble tea. I don’t want solids in my beverages. But I love (well, loved) tapioca pudding so IDEK what’s up with my weird dislike of bubble tea.
Oh my sainted aunt, tapioca! <3 That whole fishy story took place in Brazil where I fell madly, deeply and irrevocably in love with farofa… which cannot be had here for love nor money.
Never had bubble tea, but I think I don’t mind squidgy so much, so long as it’s not a body part… I guess when it comes to slime and squidginess I’m vegan 😉
(Also, having something to chew on in your drink ain’t that bad, really. For example, the seeds of passion fruit in a nice glass of passion-fruit juice (vodka/cachaça optional). Another thing I fell in love over there, which is impossible to find here…)
Tapioca. Just. So. Good.
We are with everyone about no solids in beverages!
I have not had brains, but I feel like they might be a texture I’d have trouble with?
Yeah, that’s a possibility. Avocado is the only food I really don’t care for because Texture.
I am not sure our body’s reaction to too much garlic counts as an allergy, but we used to really love eating roasted garlic, cloves and cloves of it, and now even one clove disagrees with our stomach and several leads to curled-up-on-floor stomach cramps for 6 hours. Sadly, the last time we had french onion soup our body did the same thing with the cramps, which makes sense (onions, garlic) but grrrrr.
I get those stomach cramps with romaine and quinoa! Which I used to be able to eat! Bodies, what is up with them!
For. Real. Bodies. Ugh. If it wasn’t for orgasms, I’d be the first one in line for a robot body.
I quite like heart! I don’t love kidneys either — though the one time I made them I overcooked them, so I should try again someday — and I don’t really like the texture of tongue. But heart and liver (esp chicken) are great.
Tongue has an unusual texture but is really good and has that nice meaty taste to it that I love about liver. Tongue sandwiches used to be a Thing, it shows up in lots of old cookbooks, and I can totally see why.
A friend in grade school used to bring tongue sandwiches to lunch and I was always so jealous.
Wishing you many fluffy pillows!
Take care of yourself!
Would you mind sharing your embed code for photos and gifs? I’ve tried several in the past and it always messes up for me. I got so frustrated that I just quit trying for a while but I know it can’t be that hard. Italics is all I successfully manage at the moment!
Sorry I’m getting to this so late! Here you go!
YES!!!
Good on you for the self-care, I hope the fatigue passes soon!
oh my god this giiiiffffff i’m dying
DAAAAANG
EEEEEEVVVVVVVAAAAAAAA!!!!
That is all.
Liver is one of the most delicious things imaginable.
Also: sweetbreads. Sweetbreads are so yummy.
In bed with CleverManka needs to be a regular open thread theme. Jammies and spiked hot cocoa and gossip and gifs.
Also, fried chicken liver is ZOMG. My mom promised me a birthday dinner some time ago and I have decided it shall be this!
*SQUEEE!!!!!!!!!!!11!1!!1!!!eleven!!*
You are so much fun!
And truly, your on-going saga of OMG Bodies Are The Worst has been very healing for me in trudging through the emotional impact of my own horrible health stuff endless saga of NO.
Oh, I’m so glad! It makes me feel very Good and Somewhat Mature to know that I have progressed to Inspirational from years of merely Serving As A Warning To Others.
I snorted coffee at “Serving As A Warning To Others”. You’re such a hoot.
Honestly, being told I’m funny is my favorite compliment. Thank you!
noooo the deer with fingers is by far the creepiest thing from adventure time
I EAT SO MANY WEIRD FOODS. I have been feeding only myself for several years now, and I am both lazy and like some strange stuff.
Mashed avocado mixed with salsa and nutritional yeast, and put on pasta.
A strange soup-like thing with broken pasta, tomato paste or diced tomatoes, and this spicy stuff from a local company that’s between sauerkraut and kimchi.
Fake tuna in a can, pesto made from a packet, and a can of diced tomatoes, on (of course) pasta.
LOL all my fave foods include some form of cooked tomatoes and pasta. No surprises there.
I’ve been plugging the Tournament of Hotties in the Link Roundup but I think it’s important that everybody be given the opportunity to weigh in on the relative hotness of various men so I’m bringing it here too. Several rounds of voting are currently open! https://vgum.wordpress.com/tag/homeless-monsters-…
How can you make me choose between CapAss and Cox’ lush lips? Decisions, man. Decisions.
Mark Ruffalo vs Henry Cavill is NOT FAIR. They are both beautiful.
I was hoping Jolyon Palmer would be in the British division, but nope. Now that his rookie Formula One season has started, I think a lot more people are gonna notice him.
I was wondering why we’ve gotten so many page views lately!
Toasties, I am at a bachelorette weekend in Charleston with three of my best lady friends from college and I have relaxed for the first time in months, so I am in a spectacularly good mood. So let’s keep the good time flowing and tell me what’s making you happy these days (especially since everything else is terrible right now)
This is going to sound *so* *sappy* but The Toast. The Toast is making me happy in these grim and fearful days.
Making summer plans! Even if it’s not nice enough out yet for kayak camping or the beach or deck parties it’s at least the time of year when you can start planning all the good summer things! (Also weddings – I’ve got 4 coming up.)
I spent an absurd amount of money on a musical instrument I’ve been wanting for years! It hasn’t arrived yet but I’m going to have so much fun with it when it does.
You can’t just say that and not tell us what it is. COME ON.
Nord Electro 5 HP!
Lifting weights again at an actual gym with actual room and proper equipment and not in my living room!!!
Things that make me happy, in no particular order:
1. My group of friends in Seattle, We are all transplants from far away and have made our own little family with each other. We bring meals, help you move, babysit your littles.
2. My husband going to Elliot Bay Books and spending an hour trying to find me a book to read. He settled on Possession by A.S. Byatt which I hadn’t read. He left it on my side of the bed as a surprise.
3. DAYLIGHT
God, yes, DAYLIGHT IS BACK and it is so great. I don’t mind the rain so much as the short days.
(Are you on the Seattle Toast fb group? https://www.facebook.com/groups/1389843721308618/ )
IT’S LIGHT WHEN I GO TO WORK AND IT’S LIGHT WHEN I LEAVE WORK! I WORE MY SUNGLASSES THIS MORNING! (I really needed the sun to come back, you guys)
I was just in Charleston! I loved loved loved it! If you get a chance, try a ghost tour! We did ours with http://www.oldcharlestontours.com/ and it was great!
I am super happy to be learning metal smithing! Yesterday I learned how to sink in a bowl and now I have a pretty copper bowl to put jewelry or m&ms in!
I’m also super happy that the flowers are emerging from their slumber! Daffodils everywhere!
Where are you learning metal smithing? That sounds awesome!
At my college! I’ve been taking a metal sculpture class (I am totally out of my depth, it is the first time I have tried to do anything artistic that I design and carry out from beginning to end as opposed to following patterns with stained glass, but I am having a blast with the tools and the people even if nothing is really coming out the exact way I planned) doing lots of welding and stuff. The professor brought in this amazing woman this week and next week to do a metal smithing workshop with our mini forge and big torch! It is so damn cool!
This week has been TERRIBLE but I bought a scarf with gold bees on it at Nordstrom Rack yesterday. I wore it to work today and have Snapchatted all my friends to tell them I’m the Queen of Bees.
I might be doing really well at work? I think? Hard to tell, but I’m getting good feedback and good shit keeps happening.
OH HELLO, WELCOME pls enjoy Charleston.
I’m 36 and I’ve spent the past 2 years doing additional English high school qualifications to qualify to study psychology at a German university. And I needed top marks because the competition is so stiff. I worked my ass off and got the highest mark possible (1,0).
Then I had to take a language test to prove my German was good enough for undergraduate study. Got the results on Wednesday – I passed!
That language test was the last hurdle. There is now nothing standing between me and studying psychology at a German university!
(And only another 10 years to go before I can fulfill my dream of having a fancy psychoanalyst couch in my office, upon which I can take naps when nobody else is around…)
I’m going to Minneapolis this weekend to visit friends from grad school! I feel like Minneapolis is my Soul City, and I’m very sad that I no longer live there – but ecstatic that when I go visit, my friends understand and support my need to DO ALL THE THINGS.
My cat turned 9 and decided to be a lapcat, after years of being Professionally About Cat Business. We are both pretty blissful and purring about this new phase. 🙂
Hope you have a great time in Charleston!
I’ve just started rereading some of Diana Wynne Jones’ Chrestomanci novels, and filling in the ones I never read as a child, and for some reason Charmed Life had me almost giddy with happiness. It was delightful and funny and sharp all the way through.
OMG THAT IS ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVORITES. DWJ is just the BEST. I adore her books, ESPECIALLY the Chrestomanci series
SHE ABSOLUTELY IS! I can’t decide whether I’m sad that I missed out on it earlier, in order to have the extra years having enjoyed it, or glad because of the wonderful afternoon just recently spent reading it. In any case, I can’t wait to read the others and then dive into the surrounding fanfiction.
I have read about half of DWJ’s books and freely admit that I’m hoarding the rest so that I can look forward to a new one when I really need it. But I am still forever sad that there will be no more of the gryphons. I am in love with Elda.
If not this weekend, next week, soonish, I’m taking my parents’ slightly newer than mine car (they got a brand-new one), and I’m getting a new stereo installed in it. It has bluetooth and smartphone interface and usb and aux connections. I am FINALLY not going to have to use an aux cable, max out the volume on my phone, turn the volume up in the car and make a million adjustments just to hear my podcasts!
It’s such a little thing, but it’s every single day, this whole stupid process I go through to play podcasts, listen to music, anything. So eagerly anticipating the joys of my future commute!
The light in my new apartment. Its waking me up at my intended wake up time when previously I was a four-time snoozer at minimum. I can stop being the female counterpart to that dude snoozer from Prudie yesterday!
I’m having a really rough time at my job (which I moved all the way across the country to take) BUT I have a wonderful friend here and many other wonderful friends in other places that have rallied together to make me feel loved. Friendship is a wonderful thing. 🙂
(1) The weather is getting warmer, the days are getting longer, and soon I can revert to my true form of wearing baggy t-shirts and cargo shorts every weekend.
(2) The parking lot at the Raleigh HRC event yesterday was full well before I got there, and people completely filled up both sides of the streets in the residential neighborhood next to the meeting space. Such a good turnout gave me hope.
(3) Taking a long weekend to see my family for Easter!
(4) A dear friend who is very conservative reassured me that he and a lot of GOP voters have vowed to never vote for The Candidate Who Must Not Be Named, which I figured, but was still glad to hear.
Someone answered “The Toast” and I am also going to jump in on that one.
I bought a mega ton of useless Easter crap to make Easter baskets for my partner and bebe for the first Easter we have celebrated in our time together. That made me happy. I like buying presents, especially that require assembly and beautifying for full impact.
One of my best friends is just… I have been having a very rough go of life lately. Calling her up and spending an hour on the phone is literally actually like taking a Xanax. The physical sensation is the same + better, psychologically is soothing but also realistic so it’s not like I’m indulging in total denial to feel better, and spiritually, we speak the same language so it’s easy to jump back and forth between all aspects of an issue without having to translate or hold back. She is amazing and I am lucky.
Fancy socks. I have spent a ton of money at Sock Dreams in the last two weeks and I’m not even sorry.
True story: They have a retail store in Portland in an old house. It doesn’t have as much stuff as the website, but getting to see a bunch of it in person is fun.
Sappy, ridiculous K-Dramas are making me happy right now! This was a tough week and suddenly my hours at my internship went back to twice a week, so I have been mainlining You’re So Beautiful on Netflix (novice nun pretending to be her twin brother in a k-pop boy band! ridiculous outfits! fanfic!) and I’ve moved on to Heartstrings on Hulu, which features two of the leads from You’re so Beautiful and is about band nerds at college. <3
Hulu has so many great kdramas! You might like Master’s Sun and One Thousandth Man.
Last night, another Toastie and I took a terrarium-making class. It was so much fun, and they turned out great!
My happies: my fiancee who just made us pancakes for breakfast, the rad Easter nail art I did yesterday, playing awesome russian/georgian music in my orchestra, and the other day I got to use my science in my businessy office job and it was amazing 😍 Everyone got to learn about plant nutrition whether they wanted to or not!
The anticipation of seeing Joanna Newsom on Tuesday at The Moore (amazing theater) in Seattle!
Also, getting my first ever passport at the ripe young age of 34. Just submitted the application form Wednesday.
On Thursday I fly out to a convention in Atlanta where I can see a lot of my besties that I met through the Sherlock fandom. I’m so excited I’m already having trouble sleeping.
Finances Thread is back, below the jump!
Sorry for being awol, everyone, but man have I got some work stories to tell you in another thread. First, the money!
I think I’m doing pretty well! This was a workweek without a paycheck, but I did make a nice chunk of change on a freelance project, and I only spent a bit of money on food, and I didn’t buy a ton of snacks/eating-out stuff.
I did, however, buy about $200 worth of work dresses/skirts on Anthropologie, because it has officially gotten past the point where I can do my job without nice work clothes in my current size. I’m a little bummed about it. But hey, 3 nice dresses and 1 skirt for $200 is not bad. Sale sections!
Feels a lot like I only earn money so I can turn around and pay bills with it, but I guess that’s how debt works.
What I spent: $409.60
What I earned: $1,797.73
My credit card debt is down pretty significantly, to $18,342.01, because the gap between what I spent and what I earned went directly to paying down those cards. My total debt is down as well as I pay back various people for small loans they made during my Time of Brokeness.
That’s my week, Toasties! Where you at?
Got our tax return and as described I think last week, I spent about $125 of it stocking up on beans and rice in giant bulk bags, which are cheaper per pound but a larger up-front cost, so it’s hard to do normally, which will hopefully help keep the grocery budget under control for a couple months. Spent $75 already on incorporation paperwork, and need to spend a further $400 on 501(c)3 filing, but that’s coming from the tax refund and will be fine. I dumped about $300 of tax return on my credit card, which I have hardly used in the past month, which is very good.
Credit card is down to around $3,600, which is good. Spouse took out a balance transfer card, but we ran the numbers and for me to do it I would only be able to transfer like, $500, which seems like the return on the amount of fuss and math just isn’t worth it, so we’ll wait on that.
Simple’s envelopes continue to keep me on track, and I started a “fuck you” fund, which I will use to set money aside for large occasional credit card payments as well as just generally having. We rescheduled the automatic bill that caused so much trouble and we are now on track as far as that is concerned, and have a decent cushion in our bill pay account as well.
I’m feeling pretty good about where things are right now, all things considered!
$200 for 3 dresses and a skirt at Anthro (especially considering the original prices–I only shop sales there) is a major bargain/score. My personal best bargain there was a $98 pair of jeans marked down to $10.
You sound like you’re doing an awesome job!
I knew that this month would have a lot of expenses (see tattoo above), but I was okay with how much I’d already built up in savings to take a bite out of it. (The Fuck Off Fund remains untouched.) The tattoo actually cost a bit less than I anticipated, which was nice, and I’ve now set daily reminders in my phone to pack a lunch, which has helped a lot to cut down on my expenses. So I’m feeling pretty good about where I’m standing finance-wise.
I blew $300 at Ikea last weekend, on shelving, lighting, kitchening, and some various other crap that was totally worth it. What’s better is I got a bunch of ideas for things I can DIY instead of buying at Ikea ($75 for a teensy outdoor plant rack that only holds 6 pots, getthefuckouttaheeeere).
I’m overdue for a paycheque from the States but I am still trying to give them the benefit of the doubt. Got word about another $500 feature acceptance, so that’s good; April will be a big payout if I get two months’ worth of freelance writing + that. I’m also working on an $800 feature that might go horribly awry if I let my passion get away with me, but we’ll see.
I have an undeniable urge to shop these days. Just .. shop. House stuff, clothes, whatever. It might be a spring thing, or a “this week really fucking sucked for the whole world and there’s nothing I can do about it so why not get a new dress” thing? I have no idea.
Doing house stuff just feels so fundamentally productive and satisfying. It’s a very concrete way to spend money and it’s soothing to me. Plus, inspiration for DIY? Pricelessssssss. I love DIY.
I am so in admiration of you making writing as a profession work. You are officially a badass in my book.
Author Anna Johnson suggests the urge to shop is a stifled creative urge, which makes sense to me because shopping involves a certain amount of mentally organizing and arranging colors, patterns, and shapes in a space or on yourself.
If this is true for you, then doing the DIY projects instead of shopping may satisfy the urge for new things and free any creative impulses for less money.
I did some retail therapy yesterday. It was…
okay, how am I supposed to resist beautiful, well-dressed women gently touching my face with extremely expensive cosmetics and facial care? I love having my face touched, I am desperate to be sold the reality that I can be beautiful, I have been having terrible rosacea for months and it’s a losing battle, I miss girl-space and have been deeply lonely since we moved, and also I have always been a magpie about make-up and threw out most of my treasure trove when we moved because it was just old and/or i never used it. I was a goner. I should have just written “sucker” on my forehead in expensive eyeliner.
When I got to checking out… situation NO. So we removed some items but… I still bought way more than I should have. I’m too stressed to even open the gorgeous, exquisitely wrapped box now. (Damn you, Chistian Dior, for making your packaging make me feel so damned special.)
To add complications, this morning my face looks amazing. Not amazing in and of itself, but, in terms of relief from redness and lesions and horrible rosacea-ness. When I get the energy, I’m using it again. I feel guilty and selfish about it, but, man, if it’s working, I would rather have a face I can look at in the mirror without anxiety and sadness and embarrassment than the cash. I’ll cut the budget where i have to to make it work.
Fucking rosacea, man. *solidarity fistbump*
What do you take/do to manage it, aside from the cosmetics which I totally approve/endorse?
I’m becoming self-employed at the end of this year, so the last few months have been all about saving and preparing to downsize to a smaller/cheaper apartment. So far I haven’t bought anything this year apart from food and therapy, and gone out to eat only a handful of times. Temporary austerity is a very effective way to increase my savings rate, and watching that emergency fund climb higher is very rewarding. I also made some cash selling the handful of DVDs I got as gifts over the years! Declutter + make money, two goals at
I was worried about about utility bills at my new house/ losing the entirety of my last apartment’s deposit, but it’s all turning out fine (knock on wood). The new house I am renting is a bit of a beast to heat, but not as bad as I had feared, and while I did lose some of my deposit to fixing the carpet that my annoying cat damaged, all in all I am glad that I got back as much of my deposit as I did from that apartment.
Thanks to Linette’s giving me a great script for talking to my fam, I avoided a literal guilt trip, and just purchased a $340 ticket to Maine so I can go meet my prospective in-laws.
Next I have to overcome my fear of my previously spend-thrift ways enough to buy appropriate walking shoes and slacks for a work trip.
I have got funds to pay my taxes on the business I did not know I had, and have to calm down enough to walk myself to the post office, but now that I am accountable to you lovelies, I can do it.
I am down to an even $2,000 on my credit card debt. YAY accountability!
So, definitely having one of those weeks where I want to burn everything down! I am so glad it’s Friday. What are your amazing weekend plans?
Burning everything down. There’s a tumblr full of useful .gifs!
http://womenburningthings.tumblr.com/
I definitely needed this in my life. Thank you!
Yeah, this week has felt like a year of heartbreak. This weekend I am fixing a chip in my windshield (not amazing) and then making a rhubarb frangipane tart to eat while watching S2 of Grantchester. I haven’t actually watched S1 of Grantchester, but my boyfriend and his sister love it and I love them so we are going to make British-ish things to eat and watch a sexy (?) vicar (?) solve mysteries.
Making the lemoniest lemon bars ever to lemon and then eating them.
Ooh, if I weren’t making these lemon sticky rolls on Sunday (http://www.thekitchn.com/recipe-sticky-lemon-rolls-with-lemon-cream-cheese-glaze-recipes-from-the-kitchn-111307) I would totally try those out.
My weekend plans: wine with a friend, sleep, wine with a friend, sleep, wine with a friend, sleep, giant Easter dinner with wine and friends. Sleep.
Those sticky rolls look GOOD (as does your wine, sleep, and friend sequence).
But also, you should totally make the lemon bars someday–Joanna Chang knows what she’s about.
Joanne Chang is amazing – I actually own the Flour cookbook and can’t believe I missed these so far.
Oh, my god. *pins immediately*
Yay, Friday! I hope you have a good weekend. I’m shipping up to Boston tonight, as my godmothers are throwing their usual faux-Easter bash, complete with egg decorating and Resurrection Fireworks. (Their youngest son is a bit of a pyromaniac and they have channeled it/made it a family thing to curb its destructiveness. Every year they take him to the National Firework Convention.) Can’t wait!
Their youngest son is a bit of a pyromaniac and they have channeled it/made it a family thing to curb its destructiveness. Every year they take him to the National Firework Convention.
I love this so so so much. Bless your godmothers for real.
They are wise beyond belief, and I’m really lucky to know them and observe their ways!
Tonight I’m seeing a play. Tomorrow I will bring my bike in for a tune-up, then I will go to a coffee shop and write. Then on Sunday I will play DnD with my nerd friends. This is actually a much less hectic weekend than I’ve had for the past month, and I’m really glad my schedule is relatively clear.
I’m headed home to see my parents and my grandma for Easter. The gentleman and I are making fajitas for gram tomorrow (she’s been asking ever since she found out he’s of Mexican heritage -_-), but we are happy to do so!
Sunday my mom is making lamb and I’ll probably have to go to Mass with my dad. Neither of siblings are coming home which i am both happy and sad about. Quality bonding time, but no one to distract the parents from me!
This is my monthly one-day weekend (in exchange next weekend is my monthly three-day weekend) so my plan is to make a pot of tea and curl up with this book that I haven’t been able to read, because it sucks me in so deep I get grouchy when I’m interrupted. Maybe for some variety, I’ll go to the library in the afternoon and finish the academic history I’m almost done with, before picking up Coldstone for dinner on the way home and going back to my novel.
Wait! Crap, it’s Easter on Sunday, I can’t do that. Ordering pizza and reading all day it is, then.
I am so glad that someone else forgot it was Easter this Sunday. I didn’t remember until sometime yesterday afternoon and only because someone on LJ reminded me.
Spending as little time out of bed as possible.
Finish moving! The plumber comes on Saturday to fix the sink, so we’ll have a fully functioning kitchen this weekend and can set everything up there.
This reno/move has felt interminable and this last week I just have not had the wherewithal to deal with it on top of a whole bunch of work stuff. I’m feeling better today now the end’s in sight, but there may or may not have been a meltdown Monday night.
Also I have to do laundry and pack because we’re running a conference in Dallas next week. Huzzah.
Yes! End of a rough week. Plans include a looooong long hike with my Number One and…that’s it. That’s all I want to do this weekend. It’s gonna be perfect. There will be no cooking, co cleaning. Only happy resting.
Jelly. I want a long hike but it is second winter here.
That sounds amaaaazing.
I am really busy this weekend, but both on Saturday and Sunday I’m spending time with two of my best friends, one of whom moved abroad three years ago and is finally in the country again. We always used to hang out as a threesome, and I can’t wait to get the gang back together.
I’m having lunch with a friend I haven’t seen in two years, probably going to church with my family, and then later playing Settlers of Catan with some friends.
I am having SUCH a BURN IT DOWN kind of week and I can’t even decide if I want to share why. I’m probably staying at the office until at least 7pm today because I’m just behind on everything. But tomorrow I’ll go to synagogue and that will be lovely, and two of my best friends who live in other cities are in town this weekend, and one of my colleagues invited me to her birthday party tomorrow. So the weekend will be better!
Ballet class, and then I’m off to see Reverend Peyton’s Big Damn Band!!!!! http://www.bigdamnband.com/
I’m making Chongqing chicken and enough garlic bok choy to stuff a horse tonight, buying man pants, and finally getting a hair cut tomorrow. I am a shaggy beast and no longer understand how once I tolerated hair touching my face ahhhhh.
Oh and I think we’re getting dim sum tomorrow, which is always excellent.
Pick up new glasses (finally, thank dog)
Library
Post office
Finally get a new lightbulb for the funky kitchen fixture
Pick up hair gel because seriously it is almost gone and we can’t get along without it with my hair at this length, OK???
Clean up the damned main level so I’m not embarrassed to have the plumber in Monday morning. Whose great idea was it to buy a house with this “open concept” floor plan anyway? Oops.
Serious pyjama/videos time
1) staying out of bed
2) CHURCH
3) seeing Velvet Goldmine in THEATRES maybe??
4) going to the Edgar Allan Poe house (?)
5) writing
6) avoiding family for as long as humanly possible
7) cleaning!
8) probably doing nothing stated above
Toasties, I have made the best decision of my sleeping life: I bought a king-sized mattress from Wink. Not only is it a supremely comfy mattress, but it’s big enough for me, the dog, both cats, and the Gentleman Caller when he sleeps over.
Both the dog and the GC are bedhogs, but with six-plus feet of bed, I still get an appropriate amount of mattress! I’ve slept better the last week than I have in years.
I wish I had done this years ago.
Lucky! The live in gentleman and myself recently bought a queen sized mattress. He wanted a king, but I thought it was too extravagant. It turns out that a queen doesn’t feel too much bigger than a double 🙁
Whoa! I wish I lived in a big enough space for a king size. That sounds absolutely decadent and wonderful.
King beds are just the best. Best purchase I ever made, ever ever ever.
When we moved into this house we were enormously pregnant with our son, and we ended up insisting upon a king sized bed. It has turned out to be The Best because there is indeed room for everyone, including the new aggressively affectionate cat. Go you!
Hooray for sleep! We have two cats and they like to sleep ON me, so there is no fix for that. :/
Weird food I love? Horseradish cold-pack cheddar cheese food. I return to Wisconsin about once a year and always try to remember to bring some back with me.
Guys, March has been rough but April is going to be rad! Fun work stuff, fun alumni-related stuff, and then I’m going to Japan to visit my older brother– it will be the first time my whole nuclear family is going at the same time, and we’re going to be there for my birthday– I have demanded a birthday dinner purchased entirely from 7/11. Anyone have any Tokyo or Kyoto recs? This is my third time going to Tokyo but first time going to Kyoto!
Is April going to be good for you? I hope so, Toasties.
I’m also from Wisconsin, and yes yes yes to horseradish cheese spread! The TSA in Milwaukee always announces that you can have spread cheese in your carry on, but that it counts as a liquid, so only three ounces – my favorite part of travel home.
Oh my god that sounds amazing. But then I once ate a ramekin of horseradish just straight. Horseradish for president.
The last time I was in NYC I stayed right around the corner from Black Seed Bagels, who do a beet-cured lox with horseradish cream cheese, watermelon radish, and herbs. A thing of beauty and a joy forever.
I also immensely enjoy the taste of fire cider and eat my pizza with balsamic drizzled on top.
a beet-cured lox with horseradish cream cheese, watermelon radish, and herbs.
NGL my heart actually sped up just reading that.
So pretty I nearly cried.
Oh my god it’s gorgeous.
Highly recommended if you’re in NYC! Epicurious also has the recipe.
I want to go to there.
I have never heard of fire cider before but now i think I have to make some.
Some people (likely those who shop at the food co-op in my neighborhood as there is pre-prepared fire cider there) take like a tablespoon or so per day because inflammation or something. I mixed maybe 1/4 of a cup with a thing of sodastream water and drank it as socially acceptable spicy vinegar. I think it would also be good as a component of salad dressing!
Oh god that sounds delicious, I want to eat it NOW
Have fun in Japan!!!
I have had to mostly give up cheese cuz migraines, but ngh I could go for a roll of crackers and some cold pack cheese right now.
Tokyo recs: Uoshin in Nogizaka — get the bone chips!
Kyoto: Go to Arashiyama, FOR SURE. Also great: Fushimi Inari Shrine, NIshiki Market, if you are in town on the 21st of the month go to the flea market at Touji Temple! (sorry I used to live in Kyoto. PM me if you want any info or recs)
In Tokyo, I recommend Shimokitazawa. It’s a cute neighborhood built like a maze and crammed with local artist’s shops. Unique jewelry, clothes, decorations, and delicious food. Vintage stuff too.
Have fun!
Because I see skincare threads here often: Heads up that The Body Shop is having 40 % off most of their products online and in store. I love the Vitamin E Serum-in-Oil.
Ah, me too! It’s so soothing. Thanks for the heads up!
Next week I’m starting a temporary part-time reference gig at a small liberal arts college! I’m so excited! I’m also working full-time at another library so I’m a little worried about how tiring this is going to be. But still! Reference! Undergrads! Actually using my actual library degree actually!
Congratulations!
That’s an extremely competitive field, yes? Especially those super desirable jobs at small colleges? CONGRATS!! That sounds like a dream life.
I caught someone at work saying that so-and-so left her job to get her library science degree, HOW BORING, and I was like…we are different people. Because in my mind, like who wouldn’t wanna be a librarian??
My arch nemesis had a baby, and she and her husband chose “Danger” as the middle name. Literally. The kid’s middle name is actually “Danger.”
I am horrified, but since she’s my arch nemesis, actually rather delighted by this.
I think that is a great middle name, also good middle names would be “Action” and “Mystery”.
Trouble. If I was renaming myself again, I would 100% make my middle name “Trouble.” No Lie.
DO IT IT’S NOT TOO LATE
You know, I might think about it. Legal name-changing is kind of a pain in the ass especially if you’re a lady who is not changing her last name because Marriage, but it’s tempting. So tempting.
I don’t know if this is true everywhere but in MA you can change your name to pretty much anything on the marriage license and it’s legal so you can do two things at once (I hadn’t realized this, it felt like a missed opportunity in principle). My husband took my name even after my gracious offer to have us both change our names to make it fair. I even promised I’d get a PhD if we picked Moriarty. Alas….
You can do it, CleverManka! I am a lady-type person who changed all her names at the same time – first, middle and last – mostly because I wanted to. The banks will look at you funny, REAL funny, but once you have the legal paperwork you just hang on to that and maybe some old IDs and wave them in everybody’s face and you’re good to go. It’ll be even easier, I’d imagine, if you’re not completely overhauling your identity. Just changing your middle name? No one will care, I’m pretty sure.
Also, I 100% support Trouble as a middle name. You see my username? That’s my legal middle name*. I’m super proud of it. I love showing off my driver’s license.
*I trust the Toasties not to use this information for evil.
You know those LL Bean backpacks from the late nineties that you could get monogrammed? My roommate doesn’t have a middle name, but her mother ordered her backpack with [first initial]T[last initial] to imply that Trouble was her middle name. Which was apt, considering how much shit she pulled.
Noooooooooo why would they do that. Clearly you’ve chosen your nemesis well, because this person is The Worst.
That’s a terrible idea but at the same time I love it?
I’m so glad she’s creating worthy arch-nemeses for the future–it’s a service to humanity.
(Sigh… I miss having a proper nemesis…)
For what it’s worth, I know a couple people (seriously) who have Danger as their middle name (literally), and they are all awesome, social justice-conscious people, so anecdotally, it’s fine.
A roommate of mine dated a girl who…I didn’t like being around her, but she was very cold and intimidating and I admired those qualities from a healthy distance
Anyway, her parents let her pick her own middle name when she was ten or some shit, so. I bet you can guess what her middle name was.
https://youtu.be/GjiSm4ZPVKM
i was JUST ABOUT to post this. [praise hands forever]
Someone please tell me I’m not alone in wanting to have John Oliver hard and up against a wall.
I’m a queer woman who has never had sex with a man person, but yes!
you are not.
I feel like this photo resurfaces pretty frequently here, I just want to make sure you’ve seen it just in case because LOOK AT THESE TINY BABY BABES
http://comedianfriendships.tumblr.com/post/520735…
Yes Yes Yes
oh yes. This wins the Open Thread today.
One of my favorite organists had a name that delights me: E. Power Biggs.
Had a teacher once who wanted to have his child’s middle name be Jedi. His surname was Knight.
A high school friend, who is now only a trading a few likes on Facebook each year acquaintance, just had her second daughter and named her Peacelyn.
I’m still trying to figure out what the diminutive form will be.
All I can think of is Tina Belcher. “This is my porcelain horse, Horcelain.”
I feel like I should clarify, she’s never been anything other than perfectly nice to me, and I’m sure she would be totally baffled to hear me refer to her as my nemesis! But we went to school together basically from kindergarten through high school (breaks during that time while she went to special schools for particularly genius kids), and she just always had a way of showing up anywhere I was even extracurricilarly and being COOLER and BETTER at things than me. She got called out by our high school graduation speaker (in a class of like 900 people!!!) as someone she always knew would become “either the President, or Miss America!” I DIED.
So… yeah. Seems like this child is totally on track to be some other kid’s great, cooler-than-thou nemesis.
I have one of those. She just got married to the ONLY guy who even showed interested in me after my divorce. They really *deserve* each other (that’s another story). But yep–not a reason in the world to be a nemesis, on paper, but so much a nemesis, anyway. I get it.
Believe me- I understand. The guy I had a crush on in high school had a crush on her; the job that chose not to keep me on past my probationary period, hired her*; the girl who had been my best friend in elementary school became her best friend in junior high…
I actually really love this girl and I’m so happy she’s having a wonderful life but I can’t just not notice these things.
*for a totally different department and location so it wasn’t related it just chafed.
Oh my god, I have an acquaintance like that. She’s into several of the same hobbies I am but is much better than I am at all of them, AND she does a cool job and a lot of volunteer work, AND she’s super-hot and so is her girlfriend, AND she’s the sweetest, funniest person. I could never, ever hate her; but I’ll admit I’m glad she lives in another country.
Firesign Theater, Nick Danger Third Eye Detective http://youtu.be/3aO9MQLLkAU
Rest in peace, Phil Austin.
My mom bought herself the CD as a birthday present and I feel so dumb for not having thought of it myself.
Is their last name Zone? Because in that case Danger as a middle name would be entirely appropriate. (someone help me out with an Archer gif here? I have no idea how to do it but it’s so NECESSARY)
Hey, Lana.
Lana.
LAAANNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAA.
I don’t know how to post gifs, either.
I once had a hairdresser named Rainbow. She was the least rainbow looking person I’ve ever seen, just a totally normal single mom with two kids. Once I asked her about her name and she told me her parents were hippies.
‘Ah, that explains it.’ I said with a laugh.
‘You want to know my sisters name?’ She asked.
‘Sure.’ I said, expectantly thinking of the happiest names I could come up with.
‘Lisa.’ She replied.
And that’s the story of how my hairdresser never quite forgave her parents.
Worst part of this? I too know a couple who gave their baby Danger as its middle name, and little old-fashioned me thought they were the only ones with that level of taste… Now there are two.
Book thread! What are you reading?
I’m reading The Folded Clock by Heidi Julavits and I have THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. Have you read it? How did it make you feel? Let’s discuss.
Embarrassingly, I am in the middle of reading Pride and Prejudice for the first time ever.
Don’t be embarrassed, I honestly can’t remember if I’ve ever actually read it (and I have an English degree).
And? HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!?!
i QUITE like it in fact. Elizabeth Bennett has recently received A Letter and she is having Feelings about it. 🙂
HUZZAH. I wish I could vicariously read that letter for the first time again! It always gives me assorted and conflicting Feelings even now.
I know! I wish there was some sort of very specific short-term memory loss pill you could take to forget the plots of your favorite novels and movies so you could relive them again like your first time.
This reminds me of my plan in college to write a series of reviews/reactions to classic literature after having read them for the first time with little to no prior knowledge of their contents, and treating them as if they were recent publications. I love the idea of reacting honestly like this to the contents on their own without couching it in historical terms, you know?
Would read the heck out of, just saying.
I’m listening to Bonk by Mary Roach but it’s not as great as I had anticipated and I’m up for something different.
Also, my dirtbag teens declined to listen to any recorded books on our road trip, so that experiment was a bust. 🙁 On the upside, I was reminded of some fantastic YA fare that I have not yet sampled, so it’s not all bad.
Oooo, I haven’t read any new YA in a minute (I reread certain things for comfort sometimes), what’s good?
Ink and Bone was an excellent YA fantasy that I just read, about a world in which the Great Library of Alexandria becomes extremely powerful and corrupt, set in 2025 or so.
The Scorpion Rules , YA science fiction book where an AI goes rogue and keeps the children of world leaders hostage to create peace post-climate wars and was well done.
I just began rereading the Flora Segunda trilogy (Flora Segunda, Flora’s Dare, Flora’s Fury) by Ysabeau S. Wilce, which is amazing. Alternative California ruled by Aztec overlords, incredible world building, interesting gender roles, fabulous language. Funny and dark. Maybe a little triggering for dysfunctional family situations. Characters with names like Tiny Doom. (I am considering re-nicknaming my younger cat Tiny Doom. She has hitherto been the Tiny Morsel, but Tiny Doom is much more appropriate now that she’s grown.)
I’m finally reading Fates and Furies, and as of yet I am undecided as to which side of the fence I’m on. But I haven’t yet reached the Furies part…
I really enjoyed reading that book, but I understand the criticisms of it.
Understanding the criticisms does not keep me from wanting to cradle this book protectively in my lap. Especially the furies bit of it.
Yes! I feel the same way.
Thirded!
I would love to hear more about this. Amazon keeps recommending this book to me but I haaaaated Monsters of Templeton by the same author, so I’ve been curious but unwilling to engage.
Yeah, I just finished Fates and Furies and on the whole didn’t like it, unfortunately. The writing just didn’t click with me. But I did think the Furies part was the more interesting part of the book. Also, just like Sara Davis, I didn’t like the author’s first book Monsters of Templeton either.
Oh and also! I realized that Antoinette was 49 when she had Rachel, which, while possible, is kind of remarkable in the sense that you’d think someone would have remarked on it? And for some reason that bothered me. Also, calling her Muvva. Ugh. Why did that annoy me so much.
Reading The Countess Conspiracy by Courtney Milan and it is lovely so far. Just finished The Golem and the Jinni and dang, she can tell a story.
I’m re-reading that Courtney Milan series while I’m home sick with a cold, and they are still lovely.
I juuuust finished Fates and Furies, and at no point during or after the reading of that book was I sure how I felt about the experience.
Next up: A Gathering of Shadows, the next book in V.E. Schwab’s Four Londons series, which I cannot recommend highly enough. SO GOOD, friends.
WAIT WAIT I DIDN’T REALIZE A GATHERING OF SHADOWS WAS OUT YET?????????? *runs to bookstore*
Me, too! BRB, I’m following you to the bookstore (by which I mean, library website followed by Amazon if my library doesn’t have it yet).
I am reading The Turner House (so far so good). And also Joan Didion’s Where I was From, because I love love love her writing even though her sense of old money entitlement and insidery name dropping drive me crazy a bit. I was very late reading any of her work and I am catching up this year.
ooh, that sounds really good.
I just read The Casual Vacancy, forcing myself to stay up late so I could power through the last third. Good Lord, how depressing.
So depressing. I enjoyed the Cormoran Strike books much more, because it felt less like Rowling was trying to prove that she could be a writer for adults (look at all of the gritty themes and social deprivation and sswearing!) as her name wasn’t attached, so there were fewer expectations to deal with.
This letter from a publisher rejecting the first Cormoran Strike book, (including telling her to find a writer’s group!) is fascinating and gives me hope for my writing. Not that I’ve ever actually submitted anything, mind you. http://www.buzzfeed.com/matthewchampion/jk-rowlin…
I’ll have to try those–they seem like they would make me feel beachy and lazy in a nice way, which would beat the pants off of worrying about everyone’s housing and addictions and midlife boy band fantasy issues.
It felt like she took all the character ideas she couldn’t fit into the HP books, wrapped a thin plot around them, then published the mess. It took a lot of positive reviews and personal recommendations to get me to read the Cormoran Strike books (which I quite liked).
I will say I liked that she wanted to write about the issues common to the area she grew up in–I recall a radio interview where she tried to ladysplain the term “riff-raff” to the American host–but it came off a bit like Middlemarch with several limbs chopped off. I’ll have to try her espionage, or just reread the HPs for the heck of it.
Was it some one here that recommended Planetfall? Cause I read it and I need to talk about the ending.
I haven’t talked about it here, but yes, I felt the same when I finished. Go on?
Yep, me too — happy to discuss the ending further, as well, if you’d like.
I read it as well, and loved it pretty much up until the last page. Did not like the ending.
Ok, I’ll start. So, I really liked a lot of the book, but the implications of the ending really upset me.
SPOILERS
TW: mental illness, suicide…
I felt so much empathy for her and the description of her predicament w/r/t the hoarding and how it made relationships so difficult. But I felt like the implication of the ending was that 1) no one will understand you, 2) running from them makes sense, 3) “letting go” and ending your life is the way to find peace? It’s definitely possible I may not be fully understanding it or what the author was trying to get at. But it bothered me so much. And I didn’t understand the meaning of what she really found at the top of God’s City, beyond self-sacrifice and “letting go,” whatever that meant in that context. It was frustrating.
I wanted resolution on what happened to every single other character in the book, in addition to not loving the lying down and letting it all go thing.
I felt like. . . the buildup was good and I was enjoying the story. . . and then the story gave way to philosophy/faux-religion and the ending was a letdown. I had just finished reading Luna: New Moon followed by Aurora, though, so I had a more science-fiction attitude going and maybe wasn’t in the right frame of mind for this one?
Well starting this thread and then going to work was silly of me! I hope some of you still want to talk about this.
SPOILERS
To me it felt like the ending was… like i thought things could go left or right, and this ending just went straight forward and smacked you in the face. I didn’t get out of it what liv did above (although i love that perspective) — it almost felt like the author was saying “hey remember all those characters and relationships you cared about? what if NOTHING MATTERS” more so than a specific commentary on mental illness.
To me it read as though Ren had actually been called to, like, the Divine, and maybe everything Suh went through was to get Ren there? Or Suh just happened to fail the test, and Ren passed it, and it wasn’t because of her OCD, it just was?
Unrelated to the ending, I thought it was pretty unrealistic about racism (in that it didn’t mention anyone experiencing racism, ever, even back on Earth) for a book that had pretty much all PoC protagonists.
I’m reading Black Lamb and Grey Falcon by Rebecca West – it’s a travelogue of her stay in Yugoslavia between WWI and WWII and it is fascinating. West is very much a creature of her time and you get some weird vibes in parts of it because of that (like, thinking that Slavic people are so much more VIRILE than Western Europeans…) but overall it’s a fascinating book about her experiences with the culture and it has some really amusing parts in it too.
I started reading that ages ago and stopped because it was just so huge and hard to carry around, but I really should pick it up again.
I just finished Jemisin’s Inheritance Trilogy and am here to talk about it, if anyone else who was in the middle of it in last week’s book thread wants to chat.
I am still waiting for the second one to become available on my library hold (come on, people in line ahead of me!). But I loved the first and am eagerly awaiting the second.
I legit emailed the Toast editors recently and asked them to do a series that’s just people reading through all of Jemisin. I’ve read all of her novels so far and can’t get enough, but all of my thoughts are inchoate and jumbled.
I read NK Jemisin’s The Killing Moon this week and finally broke down and ordered the sequel off Amazon because I haven’t been able to find it in any stores. It was really good
Damn it, I keep waiting to find that on sale or super-cheap-used somewhere, and so far no luck. Every other book of hers, yep — just not the ONLY one I don’t have! But it’s good to know that it’s really good!
I got lucky and stumbled across it at a used book store a few months ago. I have been wondering if this duology is out of print, though. I had to wait a bit for the second one to become available on amazon
I’m currently reading Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I’m having a little trouble getting into it, but I’m at the 50 page mark and I think things are about to pick up.
I finished The Heart Goes Last by Margaret Atwood and I felt some kind of way about it. Not super-positive feelings, actually, which was a disappointment since I normally really love Atwood a lot. She wrote one of my favorite books of all-time and I was just really letdown by this latest one.
I always feel a little bad when I rag on recent Margaret Atwood books, because her earlier fiction and even the more recent Oryx and Crake have all been super important to me. But while I didn’t read The Heart Goes Last, I did read the Positron shorts released by Byliner, and like the last two books in the MaddAddam series, I felt like they tended to be a bit broad and unsubtle.
I don’t really feel bad about it, though? I feel like even great authors are bound to have a misstep or two. And there was some really good stuff in it but it was generally too messy in general. And I liked the last two books in the MaddAddam series a lot. (though they do lack subtlety but I felt like the stuff I enjoyed outweighed that fact).
I think it’s just the setting of The Heart Goes Last that I’m having a lot of trouble letting go of. I understand the idea but it just doesn’t…work. And I found it to be more than a little offensive as well.
I loved that book! I didn’t expect to like it as much as I did. The looping time structure caught me off guard and I ended up really enjoying that, the way things were placed next to each other both with and without some apparent thematic connection, the way the book closes in at least three different ways and it’s not clear what order they happened in.
It also made me jealous of the lifestyle that allows her to travel so much.
Oh, and I revisited Dune and Dune Messiah last week. It had been a while, and they make somewhat less sense than I remembered.
I am impressed that they made sense to you the first time around!
I just finished not one but three books that were more disappointing than I expected them to be: Charlie Jane Anders’ All The Birds In The Sky, Tim Powers’ Medusa Web, and Lee Kelly’s A Criminal Magic. The stories were interesting, but I just couldn’t bring myself to care that much about the characters? I’m not sure if that’s a fault on the part of the authors or a reflection of my current mental state (tbf, I did just complete a Lois McMaster Bujold re-read and that’s a tough act to follow).
In any case, it’s time for a palate cleanser so I switched to non-fiction and am reading Flushed: How Plumbing Saved Civilization by W. Hodding Carter.
Oh no! I’m sad to hear that about All The Birds In The Sky because that is next on my hold list at the library!
You might still like it, and I didn’t think it was a bad book! I am truly not sure if I’m just in one of those dissatisfied moods and being overly dismissive.
I felt the same way about All the Birds in the Sky. It was okay, it was a quick read, I just didn’t care that much about any of the stakes.
I’ve been powering through Hugh Howey’s Silo series, I’m on the last book now, Dust.
Ooo, I have the last two in my Amazon cart. LOVED Wool and am looking forward to the others.
I read the Folded Clock last year and I enjoyed it – I like books where you just kinda get to hang out in someone’s head with their thoughts, and I felt like the convoluted structure of it worked pretty well to provide some texture without being too distracting. There were definitely parts that I found kind of eyeroll-inducing (the anecdote about not wanting to wake up her airplane seatmate so she could pee comes to mind) but on the whole I liked it.
Right now I am reading Fic by Anne Jamison, which is a sort of cultural history/analysis of fan fiction, and it is FASCINATING. There is so much I don’t know about this world we all live in.
I’m only thirty pages into Fic and I’m already making gleeful noises. Its just what I needed today, thank you for posting about it!
Someone on here recommended the Midnight Land just before I went away, I read it while on holiday and it was EXCELLENT. So I have just downloaded the second one and that is next on the list after I finish my current Phryne one.
I’m reading The Sellout by Paul Beatty. I WISH I liked it more than I do – it is objectively a Good, Important Book but I have to say I am struggling with it. Still have a ways to go though, so there’s hope yet!
Ahhhhhhh, I loved this book. Don’t you wish you knew her? She alternates between being so funny and self-deprecating and talking about art/history/books/travel in a way that’s never over the top.
I’ve been reading The Vet’s Daughter by Barbara Comyns and am about to take Outline by Rachel Cusk on a plane tomorrow.
I just got done reading Starflight for my YA Book Club, and it was a fun Firefly-esque romp, but nothing to write home about. I’m about to start reading Ancillary Mercy and I’m very excited about it, because I put a hold on it at the library a while ago and it’s finally available today!!! If you like sci-fi and feminism and haven’t read any of the Imperial Radch series, I recommend Ancillary Justice very much!
It’s a relief to know someone actually waited longer than me to get a copy of Ancillary Mercy from the library. I was on the hold list since OCTOBER. Read it a couple of weeks ago, and I still periodically pause to delight to myself how excellent it turned out to be.
It was so good. The first 50 pages of Ancillary Justice take some patience, but from then through Sword and to the end of Mercy are just so so so so good.
I’m hoping to finish The Last Temptation of Christ before Sunday, but I’ve gotten a bit off course lately. So many deliciously bad reviews for bvs.
I read half of that and was bored and stopped, is it worth returning to at some point?
Lurking here because I’ve been meaning to read The Folded Clock for like ever.
I’m reading The Road, and for the first 50 pages or so I was all “pffff, yeah yeah grim miserable whatever, it’s SO far in that direction that I will just glide through it and not be affected” and then I got further into it and am all D:
There is something about McCarthy’s writing that always delivers a gut-punch for me even when I’m all “I don’t want to like you on principle but your writing speaks to my soul in a way I really resent and love at the same time.” I love The Road a great deal even though I have avoided re-reading it because I remember it hurting so much the first time around.
Update: I finished at 2 AMish this morning and I believe I share your feelings about re-reading. Ouch.
I read The Marriage of Elinor by Margaret Oliphant, whose books are public domain. I was a lot more into it than I thought I would be! I thought it might be a pleasant (and free) way to pass my commute, but it is a very juicy and slightly scandalous book. Elinor, it turns out, marries a very sexy man that everyone else think is bad news, but she marries him anyway, because he’s sexy. This does not work out great for her, but while she does suffer a little for her sexy decision, she also leaves him and goes on and lives her life fairly happily, pined for by a decent man who never gets to have her because she’s still technically married, too bad for him.
I’d also read Miss Marjoribanks by Margaret Oliphant, which was pleasant but took me a bit longer to get through, but until I read about Elinor I don’t think I realized how misandrist Miss Marjoribanks is. Miss Marjoribanks doesn’t marry until almost the end of the novel, and it’s clear throughout that she has very little use for men. She makes herself mistress of her father’s household and wields about as much social power as an unmarried woman can. There’s some sexiness in the novel, but she herself doesn’t get mixed up in it. Between Miss Marjoribanks and Elinor, though, I feel pretty hopeful that there are more Oliphant novels about women resisting the marriage plot and doing more or less what they want to do.
Here’s a brief overview of my Folded Clock feels:
It’s the 3rd memoir/personal non-fic by a woman author I’ve read this year (Charlotte Shane & Eve Babitz were the others) and I have started keeping a journal again so I have a lot of opinions about form, style, and transparency in my own personal writing that make me curious about her writing and revision process. There is a lot I really, really like about it.
The lifestyle thing… nobody I know who has a family and/or is a working writer is living a life with this much comfort and time for creative work/the life of the mind. I bet many of them would like a how-to book on building this lifestyle.
I also have a very strong reaction to how she writes about men/her romantic life. Women who are basically never single/alone after puberty feel like a different species to me (even when we have LOTS of other things in common), and my intense envy of their apparent emotional ease (and private judgment of what I perceive as an inability to be alone) makes it really difficult for me to unpack that difference.
I’m reading The Traitor Baru Cormorant, which was fairly controversial in the SFF circles I pay attention to, and I’m just not liking it. It has like 6 or 7 blurbs on it by authors that I really like, who I have read, all saying how good it is, but it’s just not working for me. I guess I like it enough to finish.
Yeah, I so wanted to like that book, and it just didn’t work for me. I did finish it as well, though.
I was inspired by the latest Dirtbag to read Ethan Frome for the first time. There are…gaps in my high school English background.
I finished Notorious RBG last night. It was such a delight. When I first heard of it, I really thought it was some tumblr image book and had no idea it was a real biography (but yet with so many great illustrations, photos, annotations…). I wish I could shove it into the hands of a lot of high school and college students.
Still trying to push through Chernow’s Hamilton. Took a break from Parable of the Talents but going back to it. Started A.O. Scott’s Better Living through Criticism.
Read Everything You Never Told Me and loved it. Re-read Mansfield Park 15 years after first reading it, along with a friend. That book is pretty equally delightful and frustrating to me, and it was really good to revisit.
I had a similar/opposite experience with Nortorious RBG. I started listening to it on audio, as I usually do with non-fiction, and quickly realized that there was way more to it than what i was getting. I went on with the audio, but I also picked up a print copy, and really enjoyed all of the illustrations, photos and annotations. If I were teaching a high school class on US history or government, I would add this book to my syllabus yesterday!
I finally finished A Stranger in Olondria. I started it about a year ago, set it down with less than a hundred pages to go, and didn’t finish. But the companion book that’s just been released sounds like everything I have ever wanted in a novel, so I went back and reread the whole thing. I loved the language, and the plot was easier to follow this time. When I first tried to read it, I thought the plot sometimes got lost in the sheer volume of details.
I’ve just started Beanstalk, by E. Jade Lomax (who writes those incredible Harry Potter What-If fics)
Currently reading:
Vicious by VE Schwab
Lair of Dreams by Libba Bray (Diviners #2)
Story of a New Name by Elena Ferrante (audio)
Just check on my library hold for the first Lady Trent book and found that the copy I’m in line for was due March 1. WHY DO YOU DO THIS, FELLOW LIBRARY PATRONS?
I really need to find time to read the next books in the Lady Trent series. I really enjoyed the first one. Vicious was quite enjoyable too.
I’m curious what other people think of Vicious! I think the first chapter (or maybe an excerpt?) led me to believe it was a much different book than it turned out to be, and I was disappointed.
Giving Hilary Mantel’s A Place of Greater Safety another shot. I WILL make it more than 30 pages this time! (I know literally nothing about the french revolution, so it’s going to be full of surprises!)
I’m reading–and can’t believe I found these–some old L. Frank Baum books that he wrote under the pen name Edith Van Dyne. They’re “improving” books for girls–the Aunt Jane’s Nieces series is the one I just finished.
Aunt Jane’s Nieces in Society is a chest-heaving, overly dramatic cautionary tale about Society (circa 1913) with a serpentine female baddy, a catlike and evil male baddy, several upstanding and straightforward goodies, a kidnapping, and a daring escape through the snow.
I keep reading passages out to Gentleman Caller, with dramatic phrasing and lots of eyebrow action.
Ooh, I read a few of the “Mary Louise” Edith Van Dyne books – I don’t remember that much about them except that they had a “tomboy” preteen character who has being raised by her father to be a crack detective. Also weird WWI politics, and general nuttiness. I had that same feeling, like I couldn’t believe that 1) they ever existed in the first place and 2) I found my way to reading them on my phone (they’re on Gutenberg).
I’m reading The Age of Innocence for the first time! Am I off base in thinking that May Welland is smarter than Newland Archer gives her credit for? I just got to the part where he follows Ellen to Boston.
I’m having the same sense of impending doom that I had when I first read Of Mice and Men. I vaguely know how it ends because someone told me a long time ago… I’m also told that I would probably enjoy The House of Mirth much more. Which is not to say that I’m not enjoying The Age of Innocence (there are some beautiful passages), just that I’m filled with dread.
I wouldn’t spoil it for the world, but to date there has been no character in fiction I’ve wished I could slap more than I wish it of Lily Bart. The House of Mirth is very different from The Age of Innocence, in ways it would be unkind to ruin for a new reader. Enjoy! Nothing bad will ever happen! All will be well!
I’m reading Uprooted by Naomi Novik. Apparently it’s already had movie rights purchased, which I’m not surprised by bc the whole time I’ve been reading it I keep thinking it would make a better movie (or really, miniseries… but like a high budget one) than a book.
Amazon rec’d it to me so I downloaded the sample and got pulled in enough to download the book. But I keep vacillating between being so intrigued and into it (and I’ve already cast Tilda Swinton as one of the roles so I am loving her character), and thinking “ok lady… you have to stop writing so many action scenes that all involve magic you are making up”…. like there is just TOO much within TOO much to follow, if that makes sense?
I’m too invested now, but I keep pausing to ask myself if her writing is really working for me, and if this world/magic she has created is working for me. Which makes me think it’s not, bc usually I fall face-first into magic/fantasy books. Has anyone else read it?! Please, I want all the opinions!
I really REALLY liked it. It was a very satisfying book, magic scenes and all.
What I liked about it was the way the story keeps opening up. It starts as a fairy tale with the focus on the valley & the tower, and then there’s the wood, and then there’s the kingdom, and the politics, and there’s a war, and it just keeps getting bigger and bigger, but also circling back to the valley and the wood.
I also liked that the most important relationship is between the two girls, really.
I like it a bit less in hindsight now, because I read a compelling essay about how abusive Sarkan is, but I really enjoyed a lot of the rest of it, more so than many of Novik’s other novels.
Yes! I think I both like and dislike how much it opens up. Part of that may be that I have the largest chunk of reading time in my early morning commute, so I am sleepy and have a hard time following along in certain parts. But it does keep you on your toes and you really start to feel as she feels… you don’t know who to trust!
I love the two girls, and honestly a lot of the other women in the book as well (also… Alosha is amazing so far and I want her wardrobe and wise bad-ass lady warrior vibe).
I’ve been kind of confused about Sarkan. I felt I was being set up to want them to fall in love, but he’s awful, and then he’s kind of not? I haven’t finished yet so I don’t know how he ends up :O
I would be curious to read that article if you remember where you found it!
I thought the beginning was a little slow, but I did not have those problems with the magic at all. Sarkan never really needed to be such a jerk, but it was interesting see how he evolved. The other characters were really well done.
I was just at an AWESOME library conference in Dublin (any other LILAC attendees here? Or hoping to go next year when it’s in Wales?) so I got a mystery set in Dublin to read on the plane, but it didn’t grip me enough to remember what it’s called! I swapped book recs with a school librarian who was on my table at the conference dinner, I suggested Zen Cho to her and she suggested Alice Oseman, so I’ve got Radio Silence but haven’t read it yet.
What I am reading (devouring) is the last of Cat Valente’s Fairyland series. Combat wombat FTW.
I finally read Ella Minnow Pea, which had been hyped to me over ten years ago and I just never got around to, and…it was ok, I guess. I’m about to start Robin McKinley’s Outlaws of Sherwood, which I somehow never read even though I luff her.
A Tale For The Time Being. Loving it so far, especially the Nao parts concerning her grandma.
I’ve been discovering Tove Jansson’s books for adults (although I love Moomin as well) and I’m finding them so fulfilling, especially her depiction of queer domestic life. Has anybody else read any of her stuff?
I’ve only read The Summer Book of her adult ones- so atmospheric, I keep meaning to read more…
I actually just got that book from the library! Right now I’m reading The Woman Who Borrowed Memories, a bunch of short stories which I would recommend for the atmosphere too.
Yes! I have the Summer Book, Winter Book and the True Deceiver. I love them as much as the moomins, they have that same peaceful tone for me.
Definitely. I really want to try reading them in the Swedish, but that’s a long way to go!
Yes, I love them, too! All the ones people have mentioned below, and also Fair Play. There is a very unusual and wonderful combination of toughness and tenderness in her books that I really like… and in the Moomins as well.
I started reading my parent’s copy of 1491 by Charles C Mann over Easter and now I’m back home and in book withdrawal. Hopefully my library will have a copy available.
It is so interesting! It’s an overview of the latest scholarship about life in the Americas before Columbus and it basically contradicts everything I was / we are taught in school in the US. I read a chapter and a half in two days and kept interrupting conversation to be like – OMG, did you know? and my mom would be like, yes, I’ve read that chapter already. And then my dad would chime in with something from the sequel, 1493, which he’s reading now. I love coming from a family of readers.
Hey longtime lurker here. I’m proud of Toronto for trying to fix food deserts with this http://torontoist.com/2016/03/shipping-container-…. Also hi everyone!
Why are the giant omnivorous mammals so darn cute?!
I misread that as “trying to fix food desserts,” and was briefly startled and disapproving. What’s wrong with desserts??
Same.
I read fix as in “fix you something to eat” and was like, this person is embarking on a journey in which they make desserts! Yey!
You know, a journey to fix food deserts while fixing food desserts is one of the noblest things I can imagine.
High five fellow lurker! I’ve been lurking a long time too. Fridays are slow days for me at work so I’ve been trying to post and participate more.
I dyed my hair turquoise last night! It took two rounds of bleach and then sleeping with the dye in, but now I look like a cartoon character. I also kind of enjoyed the Draco Malfoy post-bleach stage.
Of course this means I will probably get a job interview, but hey if that’s what it takes to convince employment to find me, it’s not so bad. Tell me your tales of employers not caring about creative hair colors?
Literally asked my boss this week if it was okay if I had blue hair and he was like… yeah, why are you asking me this.
*I don’t understand the question and I wont respond to it .gif*
I’m in the process of renewing my ID badge at work, and the dropdown menu for hair color included “green” and “blue.” I don’t even know if these are allowed in the dress code!
If they’re in the dropdown menu, I’d say screw the dress code. Funky hair 5evah.
Yessss. Can this lawyer (who wears pearls to court to impersonate a conservative) live vicariously through you, please??
I am actually also a lawyer! Non-practicing, though, which was probably obvious. I’d imagine turquoise hair wouldn’t work well in a courtroom.
I’m dying a strip of pink in my hair next week and I’m so excited! We can be beautiful hair unicorns together!
Ooooooh turquoise!
I haven’t changed my hair color since senior year of college, and as fun colors have really exploded the past few years I’m starting to get that itch. But I’m a fundraiser, so it’s not really appropriate for work. Booooo.
Yeah, I only decided to do it because my hair is short enough that I’ll be able to cut all the turquoise off soon. Also, it was supposed to be blue, but my hair stayed so yellow from bleaching that it made the final color very turquoise.
I once tried to dye my hair turquoise, didn’t bleach it enough, and it turned out mossy green. Which I was okay with, thankfully.
When I asked my boss if she minded me going pink she said of course not, and then had an afterthought and said I had to check with HR – HR said we don’t care if your immediate boss doesn’t care.
Hair was black and pink for a while and is now purple and blue, and although I now work at home, nobody cared when I was in the office.
I’ve always wanted to colour my hair…I’m growing it out now and fantasize about doing it when it gets long enough. All I can tell you is that when I got my nose pierced my boss told me it looked nice and his daughter was thinking about doing it too.
I did not tell my boss before I shaved my head. His reaction when he saw it was, “Whoa, nice haircut.” So everything was fine.
That’s what happened when I shaved mine into a mohawk, which made me very happy.
COME ON you can’t post this and then not include a pic.
Sorry, I was running out the door!
That looks great! But I could also imagine Draco-blond on you. Oh, now I want to get my hair colourful again, too…
Holy wow, that turned out beautiful! Excellent job on the color application itself btw (I know that’s a difficult color to achieve), and it looks excellent on you. Thank you for the pic!
The color was a little bit of an accident. It’s actually called “baby blue,” but my hair stayed yellow enough after bleaching that it came out turquoise! I sort of suspected that would happen, but I am glad I didn’t use the “emerald” dye I bought instead.
OMG, you WOULD look a bit Draco-ish with the blond!
Love the turquoise though.
A few years ago I got a job partly because I had pink hair, although to be fair it was at a catering company and not, say, an office job.
I actually just dyed my pink hair brown for my last round of job interviews, which didn’t actually help me get one of the higher-salary jobs I wanted, so I don’t know whether having pink hair and loads of confidence would have affected that outcome.
i’m an admin at an IT company. they give No Fucks as long as you dress business casual and don’t have holes in your clothes. piercings, tattoos, nontraditional clothing styles (i’m currently wearing my Casual Friday knee-high combat boots), fantasy colored hair. whatevs. just show up on time and do a good job.
i’m bleach blonde at the moment but i could have a full rainbow line up for you in 5 minutes of walking around the building. my manager actually has pink and black hair right now. the underside is always black and the top-mop changes red/orange to suit her mood and the season. it’s pink for easter 🙂
Back in the day (like, early university) I used to work in a kids science museum. When I dyed my hair bright pink/blue/white, my boss thought it was the best thing ever 😀
Hurray for turquoise hair! I bet you look amazing, and people will compare you to mermaids.
My current job truly doesn’t care how we look, as long as we are, you know, clean, so we’re a pretty diverse bunch. It was one of the reasons I took the job (they even stated in the interview that there’s no kind of dress code), and have now leveled up to my regular lazy goth attire. I seriously consider going back to outrageous hair colours as well, but I’m worried that higher-ups would not look too kindly on that. I’m literally the youngest person in the entire company and though generally competent, I know I have to work a bit harder to be taken seriously.
The job before that was a true skirt-and-blazer thing, which I hated, and my current coworkers tease me that if I turned up like that nobody would recognize me.
The job BEFORE that was in academia, pure research, no teaching, and my boss raised his eyebrows when I came in with rainbow hair one day. Not a single comment from him, but the other researchers pegged me as the crazy one from that day.
tonight i’m attending a going-away party for a dear friend, and a person i strongly dislike will be there. (she used me to get close to a dude, told my secrets like gossip, and insists that cat calling should be taken as a compliment.)
anyway, i am here for:
• warnings against drinking too much
• outfit and makeup tips
• reminders to stop blindly trusting anyone who is even remotely nice to me
Drink as much water as you do booze, and you can drink with (relative) impunity. Wear more eye makeup than you think you need (this is doubly true if you wear eyeglasses). As for trusting people… only you know where you land on this, but i prefer to err on the side of generosity. But I do not easily forgive transgressions, so.
Drink as much water as you do booze, and you can drink with (relative) impunity. This plus making sure you eat. It won’t work if you don’t get a good meal in a well.
You might be able to get away with just not talking to her and focusing on other people. Good luck!
Forgive, but never forget, as my family always says!!
Remember to drink water!
Make sure your jeans are tight to show off your butt! Curl your hair, if that’s what you’re into.
My power outfits are usually all black clothes, red lipstick, gold accessories, and withering glances if that helps.
Seconding!!
I’m writing this down and putting it in my wallet.
If there hasn’t already been a “don’t let the door hit you on your way out”-themed Friday Bargain Bin, there needs to be.
The only thing that comes to mind is that this is probably an occasion for boots. Like the kind of tall, sexy boots that someone might wear to walk across Vermont.
Sorels are the only boots for walking across Vermont. I mean, I guess you could wear something else if being an unstoppable warrior ice goddess wasn’t appealing to you.
Oh look, they’re having a sale! http://www.sorel.com/sale-womens-boots-shoes/
Aaah, so tempting! I got a pair of the slimshortie’s last year and they are a bit large and clunky but I wore them all winter with thick socks underneath and they were the best!
i want….every pair? oh dear, oh no.
Yes to all of this. Trust people, then burn them with fire if they betray you.
My strategy would be to pretend I’m at a work party, which means setting myself a 2-drink maximum, and preferably having another social engagement afterwards so I can leave when a third drink starts seeming like a great idea.
Good luck! Wear something that makes you comfortable/confident! Tell us how it goes!
My power party outfit is something very simple (like my fave black t-shirt that makes my cleavage look magnificent, with jeans) with the fancy jewelry I don’t usually wear because it’s big and fancy and eye-catching. (The really great earrings, or that one necklace, or the completely over the top cocktail ring.) Then either red lipstick or black eyeliner and mascara.
Practice the 100 yard stare of “I am gazing at my adoring fans out there and totally don’t see your catty retrograde ass.”
THAT STARE. that 100-yard stare. that’s what i need. (my face is naturally hostile, thank god, but balancing it with being around friends isn’t the easiest.)
I would recommend the mantra: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again. Why are you fooling people, that is super rude and you should cut it out.”
That is to say, don’t blame yourself for the fact that this person treated you badly; that’s on her. Now that you know she is Not To Be Trusted, it will be easier to avoid her, right? Just pretend she’s some obnoxious bro hitting on you while you’re reading: curt, one-word answers if spoken to, and otherwise deliberate lack of eye contact and general determined ignoringness.
As far as makeup and drinking: I wear all the makeup I want to, which is none, and drink as much as I can handle, which is one. So not sure how helpful I’ll be on that front.
your last paragraph made me laugh, in addition to containing evergreen advice. 🙂
Shall we start a bitching about Batman v Superman thread? Or just a discussion one – feel free to defend it.
I did love the little smile Wonder Woman gives at one point, and her Diana Prince outfits, which each reference her superhero costume somehow. Gives me hope for her solo movie, even Patty Jenkins called fighting in heels “wish fulfillment”.
But otherwise? Ugh.
She is the only reason I’m going to see it this weekend, and even then only because a) I was invited by a nice person b) it’s in 3d. However I will bring earplugs and I anticipate spending at least a quarter of the movie staring at the ceiling in a perpetual eyeroll.
Good thinking on the earplugs: I had headphones with me and I put them on a few times because yes, this thing is LOUD.
I’m seeing it tonight and I’m already kinda disappointed that two hours of my life will be spent doing nothing worthwhile. Oh well. At least I can have movie theater candy.
I’m going to see it tonight with friends and I cannot muster up all that much enthusiasm about it. In fact, the only part I’m interested in is Wonder Woman so I hope she’s in a decent amount of the film.
My friend saw it and he said she’s not and he’s pissed he gave them money “because she barely had anything to do and had no place in the plot and was only there to be eye candy”. At one point she is using an ATM if that tells you about her free time? Also he says Batman stalks her in a creepy way, not an information getting way, but a sex offender way. I’m not giving them my money so I will never know but I love the roast.
yayyyy. But, I am going because I like my friends and I will just deal with it. I think I’d be less bothered about it if the movie wasn’t so freaking long? Like, it’s one thing to watch a movie that’s bad or not-so-great if it’s only an hour and a half long. But once you start approaching two hours, I get really resentful about having my time wasted.
The reviews for it are giving me life. They are absolutely delicious.
*michael jackson eating popcorn thriller gif goes here*
I have been whispering “Batman is a corny dingus” under my breath all day.
I gleefully read, like, 15 of them in a row yesterday but hadn’t seen this one yet. Being very much pro-horse, I am delighted. Thank you!
I haven’t seen it yet — I think we’re going to go after a comic swap we’re tabling at ends tomorrow. But I’m excited! And I’ve read the horrible reviews (many of which have made me laugh hysterically) and I’m sure there is real truth in all of them — but I’m still excited. Because I just really dig superhero shit, as long as it’s not out-and-out offensive, and besides, a lot of things I like are not that good?! And I assume that’s true for a lot of people! It’s a little tiresome when there are all these folks that are like, “Oh, it’s a BAD FILM, I shan’t watch it with mine own eyes,” and yet they’ll gleefully watch a ton of reality TV or whatever. It’s okay to just enjoy a stupid movie. And if you genuinely don’t think you’ll enjoy it, then…just…don’t…go? But it’s silly for a person to pretend that all lowbrow media is beneath watching.
Likewise the “time-suck” thing, where people are definitely going but they’re like “UGH, I don’t LIKE this, I’m wasting so much TIME.” Then don’t go! But I, personally, waste so much time on stupid shit that isn’t “fulfilling” (Netflix, Internet clickholes, Neko Atsume) that an additional two-and-a-half hours aren’t that big of a deal to me. What were you going to do anyway? If you have a really wonderful alternative, then why weren’t you doing that in the first place? Time is precious, yes, but whatever, I’ve rewatched my favorite TV shows more times than I can count, and I don’t feel bad about “wasting” that time, so I’m not gonna feel bad about going to a dumb movie, either.
Okay, but I am really glad that so far, every reviewer seems to generally like Wonder Woman and Gal Gadot’s performance, while wishing she were more present — because that’s great news for the standalone movie, and it means (hopefully) that fewer people will be convinced that the movie sucked because there was a woman superhero in it. Progress?!
Hamiltoasts, I know I posted this in yesterday’s LR, but this happened to work-me. My mentions are about 30% people with “Aaron Burr” as a Twitter handle, and I could not be happier with this turn of events.
This has been the inside of my head for a full 24 hours now.
That’s so awesome! Also, I apparently work across the street from you, so hi, neighbor.
Based on some evidence from previous OTs, I think this neighborhood may be thick with Toasties.
MIToasties
A) Awesome Hamiltoast event! B) Awesome work! I used to work at the Broad and I miss walking by the Koch display every day.
Toasties, hello! *offers choice of handshake/fistbumps/hugs*
I’ve been commenting here and there for a while now, but haven’t ever been early enough for OT. I just want to say HI and tell you how much I admire you all – this website feels like the best older sister in the world and I don’t even know how to pace myself with all the advice I want to ask you BEAUTIFUL WISE SHE-BEASTS! Every time I start to get a funny Imposter Syndrome feeling about being here (you all have careers and I am nothing but a giant waffle who can’t figure out what to do! I don’t always get all the references! Woe is me!) I remind myself of what actual Toasties would say, and how lovely and supportive you are.
/end gushing. Happy Friday, everyone!
All I’m sayin’ is…. WAFFLES ARE WONDERFUL AND DELICIOUS.
Seconded. Most of the time I would prefer to be a giant waffle rather than a human woman.
Oh my goodness, thank you for finally putting the feeling into words! Best older sister indeed!
…now I want waffles.
I think we all feel like that in some places – there is such a massive breadth and depth of life experience on here that there is always someone who knows more about something!
Agree – but it doesn’t mean that you don’t have valuable information to contribute 🙂
Aww, thank you! I have such warm fuzzy feelings!
Right! And I’m utterly inspired by it, insecurities be damned!
Okay but I would like to talk to you about how to become a waffle. Is it Leslie Knope’s favorite food, after all.
Cannot figure out how to embed, but: http://cdn.firstwefeast.com/assets/2015/02/Waffle…
yes that is probably a good way to go, right there. and you’d know you were fueling greatness…
That imposter syndrome feeling is pretty much why I started bribing the toasties with puppy pictures to like me.
Also because I’m physically incapable of NOT sharing them but also because I was very nervous! So I sympathize.
What an excellent strategy, there are never enough puppy photos!
and UNC-Chapel Hill research says that looking at them makes you a broad-minded, more perceptive person! So thank you!
Y’all, tell me I’m not alone in this. I love books, and I love movies and TV, and I’m always reading/watching something. However, afterward, I pretty thoroughly forget them. And it’s terrible! I’d like to quote movies or have in-depth character discussions with other people, but I usually can’t.
Like, last year I spent a good chunk of time reading the Outlander books, and the year before was GoT. And now I’d be able to tell you a vague overview, and talk about some of the characters, and explain some things that happened, though probably not in the right order. I loved Anne of Green Gables when I was a kid, but I barely know what it’s about now. I could only tell you the faintest summary of The Man from U.N.C.L.E., even though I watched it 2 weeks ago.
Mr._Swine, as a counterexample, remembers everything. He hates rewatching movies because, once he’s seen one, it’s in his brain. If I read a book and tell him about it, he’ll remember the story years later, long after I’ve forgotten it, even though he never read it himself.
(Interestingly, although he has the superior media memory, I’m much better at remembering real-life things; I know what I did and when, who I was with, what I was wearing, etc.)
It’s kind of maddening—am I reading wrong? It’s not an issue of comprehension, so why can’t I remember these things when so many others can? The post about Wuthering Heights the other day, for example, bummed me out because everyone was commenting about specific quotes and characters and such that I didn’t remember at all.
Commiserate with me, my forgetful friends!
I am exactly like this. Also Jane Eyre is kindof important to me but I didn’t recognize a single thing from the recent article here, either. Oh well.
However I recently started watching a Korean romcom series, and I do not understand why this media is different, but I could tell you so. many. details.
High-five of forgetful solidarity!
My partner and I are the opposite: I have a pretty good memory about what I’ve consumed, he’s re-reading the Belgariad for the nth time and is enjoying it (aside from blaming me because he now sees the sexism and racism) because he forgot most of it again. I’m actually a little jealous that he can enjoy things over and over again – maybe look at it from that angle?
This is a good point. I’m currently rereading the Harry Potter series, and it’s an adventure all over again. 🙂
Oh yes, I love forgetting books, especially mysteries. I purposely read them fast and with minimal concentration. I find this method very relaxing and then I can enjoy them exactly as much each time I read them.
I agree it is frustrating for certain books I do want to remember, but taking notes on those helps me a lot.
I commiserate with you! I read so, so many books and then promptly forget the details, making it impossible for me to discuss them for fear people will think I am pretending to have read them! But I did! And enjoyed them! And then moved on, apparently, without bothering to allot brain space to their details. I also forget names of books and authors (if they are new and/or obscure) almost immediately.
I miss a lot of references to things I’ve read or seen, and think it’s just that when I’m watching I’m not thinking in terms of what the taglines or most memorable bits to others will be. So I do often feel like I’m missing the joke (because I am), but the rare times when I get it are that much funnier/sweeter.
This is a big part of the reason I started keeping a book blog. Just the act of writing about what I read is often enough to help me hold on to details. And if I do forget stuff, going back to read my thoughts is often enough to remind me. Or to convince me that I do or don’t want to re-read
That’s a good idea. I should do something like that, even if it’s just a private spreadsheet.
I started using Goodreads after one too many times getting 10 pages in and thinking “…have I read this before?”
same. and as a librarian I get asked to recommend books every so often, and while I know I’ve read 5 books recently, goodness knows I can’t remember what they were! Goodreads is such a useful tool.
I’ve gotten the same movie from Netflix twice and watched quite a bit of it before I realized I’d seen it (unfortunately it was two different profiles, so I had no rating/shipping history).
I forget books all the time, which is why I’d be the worst at a book club. I love these things in the moment, but after that, my brain seems to move right along.
I recognized all the Jane Eyre quotes–BUT, I have read that book so many times I am embarrassed to even begin to estimate the number. Otherwise, I have a shitty memory and was known in literary grad school to make whopping errors in class discussion because I simply could not remember even major plot points after a single read…. like, on the level of, WAIT, SHE DIED?
This is me! Some books/movies/TV shows I am worse with than others. For example, I’ve tried reading the first book of the Thursday Next series several times and I still have zero memories of what the plot was. And yeah, don’t expect me to remember quotes.
Ah, my people! I’m so glad I’m not the only one.
My boyfriend and I are the opposite of this – I remember things fairly well (and often have quotes from books I read years and years ago floating around in my head, like background music). Yesterday, my boyfriend asked me to remind him of who certain characters in Pride and Prejudice were, as despite having read it (years ago) he’d completely forgotten their existence.
The Burgomaster and I are switched with you on this, like Toastiewithcheese, above. I remember almost everything I’ve consumed, media-wise (and otherwise), to the point where I recognize storytelling patterns and can figure out surprise endings or see plot twists coming from a mile away. As you might imagine, this sometimes puts a damper on my own enjoyment so I would encourage you to revel in the fact that everything is a new and glorious surprise for you. I promise, nobody who isn’t an asshole thinks less of you for not remembering details and such. I see why it would bum you out to not be able to participate in those reminiscing conversations, but I hope the joy of experiencing things anew all the time somewhat makes up for it.
Thank you, I shall indeed try to revel in my surprises!
I do this too! A lot of time, no matter how much I liked a book/movie, the first time around, I’ll only retain vague plot shapes and major character names and some scattered specific details that might or might no have anything to do with the actual plot. (Like I couldn’t tell you what on earth happens in the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie, but I remember the closeup of rain falling on a teacup towards the beginning. And that’s about it.)
So I sometimes give off the impression of really loving movies/books that I maybe just enjoyed-but-didn’t-adore, because I might end up rewatching it another couple of times before I retain as much as friends I have who only saw it once.
And sometimes I retain waaaay more detail than other people the first time around, but I can’t control when that happens.
I only remember feelings. It makes me sort of terrible at my job when someone needs me to recount a conversation I had, just five minutes ago.
Me too. I’m the worst at quoting things, unless I’ve seen it a million times. Funnily enough my memory is good for other things (I can easily remember long numbers and passwords for example), but not this.
I am actually really interested in this from a memory/language perspective… I’m a grad student studying reading acquisition. I feel like this happens to me too, and I think it has something to do with whether there is anything surprising, shocking, jarring, or otherwise unusual about the plot. My theory is that some people have very strong mental schemas (sort of sketches or outlines), and when we read or watch things that match our schema, our brain kinda goes, “yep, that’s what we expected”, and the information isn’t retained because it isn’t new. But a surprising story would trigger a disturbance or alteration to the schema, so that information would be better retained.
I’d be curious to hear if your (or any of the other commenters’) experiences seem to align with this theory or not!
This seems to track. Books that make me cry I’m likely to remember more. Although still, I read The Book Thief and saw the movie later and was like “huh, I don’t remember those specifics.”
I’m sure there are folks here who read more than I do, but still, targeting 50 books a year, I don’t think I can remember everything.
Wayyy back in my Psych class in college I read something (citation needed) that the mind retains negative situations more strongly than positive ones for survival purposes, kinda like your brain saying “Hey, this was really terrible, avoid doing it again!” This seems to hold for stuff I’ve read too – we covered Where the Red Fern Grows & Lord of the Flies in elementary school, and while I’m very vague on the overall plots of these books I definitely remember The Axe Scene and The Pig Scene in detail because they disturbed me so much.
I am like this about music! My parents are both musicians and I have been enjoying classical music forever and ever, but my friends are like “blah blah blah Rachmaninov” and while I know who people ARE, I don’t associate music with composers as much as I’m like, “Oh! That piece is a good piece!”
Same here! I grew up listening to classical music because of my dad, so I recognize pieces, but I don’t always know who it’s by. And when I do I couldn’t tell you the name.
This happens to me too. Anytime I start a new season of a show a year after finishing the last one I’m confused for like half of the first episode before I start to remember who’s who and what happened before. There are so many stories out there, our heads can only handle so many at a time 🙂
If it’s really troublesome and you want to remember more, probably writing about the books and tv shows you like the most would be a way to seal them more in your memory. Maybe journaling or a blog or something? If time and energy weren’t an issue, I’d try to write analytical shit about every book, tv show, and movie I love, but I write for a living so all my writing energy is already otherwise used up.
I see now someone already suggested this. So consider my comment a +1 to theirs.
I read like a fiend and can very rarely remember the book titles once I’ve finished!
Earlier that evening, every time I got up off the sofa she stole my seat. Having been kicked off it each time, she escalated hostilities and stole the sofa-duvet while I was making a drink. I have never heard a cat purr so loudly or look so smug.
Our Moaversary was this past Monday. He has recently learned how to enjoy the couch!
It’s pretty great to watch.
He is very dignified!
Precious!
That is a smug cat.
I don’t see smug so much as haughty!
I see a challenge. “You want this seat? COME AT ME BRO”
I see faintly grieved. No one does “I’m not angry, just disappointed” like a cat. Especially when they are in the wrong.
Cats are by nature usually pretty fucking smug, but that is one super smug cat, yep.
“Don’t make me put you in your place. I will. You won’t like it.”
Cats are the greatest. Heart-eye emojis into infinity for your furball who knows where the comfy is.
My dog is ace at stealing couch space. She will get up from her perfectly lovely bed and snatch your space (not the other half of the couch) as soon as you leave the room.
(My) Saffron was too busy with all! the! boxes! to steal my seat on the couch each evening this week:
I want to squoosh her with loves SO BADLY.
That is totally my reaction each time I see her face.
The mane! The floofiness! The total happiness at being in a box!
Saffron looks deeply pleased with herself!
The cats have finally taken an interest in the BB8 toy which I bought for selfish reasons.
Atticus in attack-launch position:
Gertie realizes that the toy isn’t the real enemy but she isn’t sure what to do with the information.
Oooh where did you get it? Saffron is the living image of BB8 so she definitely needs this.
Petco!
Despite the fact that my floor is like 50% cat toy at this point, I find this entire line of toys extremely tempting.
I think I may want one of those BB-8 toys too. Mostly because toys with dangly ribbons are the absolute best:
This ribbony toy, by the way, resides in a desk drawer because if it was out, then Anise would drag it around and demand to play. As it is, whenever I have a familiar friend over, she will push on the back of the drawer until it opens enough to stick her little paw in and fish out the toy, which she will then present imperiously to the visitor. If the ribbon toy was BB-8 though….
Get a bit of raffia and tie it in with the ribbons. There’s something about the noise which cats adore. We got one toy like that, then I bought a bunch of raffia, added some to more of our cat toys, and gave some of it to friends. Their cats all loved it too.
Edit: damnit, autocorrect, I am not remotely interested in cars, and I witter on about cats all the time. How have you not learnt that yet?
This week has been a massive decluttering endeavor, and besides having to hide for three/four hour chunks while the professional organizer is there, the poor cats are entirely confused by the lack of clutter.
(compare to this)
Relaxing at night, but definitely still mad.
Poor kitties! But good luck to you on your declutter project!
Their commitment to staying mad is a matter of feline integrity.
My partner took that one, with the comment, “D’AWWW SCHNUGGLYWOOKUMS!” Normally he says that when she’s decided that his feet are A Menace To Society And Must Be Stopped. This time she was just rolling around being a 3kg dinosaur. I like the way it looks slightly heraldic.
Biggest yawn ever!
Househunting Toasts: how go your quests?
Getting keys on my new townhome this evening! Currently getting hammered on repair requests from the buyer of our current home, probably because they offered way over asking and they want to get a little back.
My husband and I went to a bunch of open houses this past weekend, which is always my favorite part of house hunting. And now we have a budget, an idea of where we want to live, and a list of must-haves, nice-to-haves, and dealbreakers. So now we need to find a real estate agent and start actually looking at houses. I’m pretty confident that we’ll be able to find something we like and can afford by July/August. Everything is very exciting right now.
No inventory worth bothering with. I’m hoping this is due to school vacation and the Easter holiday. If it’s not, this is going to be a loooooong quest.
Kill me. Just kill me now. Or at least let me move away from LA.
Last Friday the sellers accepted our offer on an amazing house! Then 48 hours later they got a better offer and rejected us! We dejectedly looked at some other houses this week and watched a few that we were slated to see get snapped up within 24 hours of listing, including one this morning that was one street back and one house over from some good friends. We’ve only been looking for two weeks, and we have another month before we need to start worrying about time (lease is up at the end of July…) but I’m feeling pretty discouraged.
It can take a while to find the right fit. Depending on where you live, this sort of competition can get intense. Take your time (if you can) and remember you’ve only been looking for a couple of weeks.
Thanks, it helps to hear that. The competition is BANANAS, especially for the cozy walkable neighborhoods we like!
We are househunting in Silicon Valley, so, not well… The ridiculous prices are starting to seem normal, but the idea of paying that much and still having to deal with termites, fungus, ’80s bathrooms etc is really depressing.
I like a lot of different kinds of food, from sweetbreads to kimchi, but I think the one I get the most shit for is chocolate cake with beer. It started as kind of a silly tradition with a friend I made while living abroad in Japan– he made me a cake for my birthday but we didn’t have any wine so we paired the cake with beer and it was delicious. Eventually it just became a tradition over the year we lived there together. On our last day, his flight was much earlier than mine, and I was awoken by him sneaking into my room with the only thing he could get at six am: bagged cinnamon rolls and warm beer from the 7-11 across the street. We drank the horrible warm beer and ate the dry, awful cinnamon rolls and cried into each other’s shoulders until finally his taxi arrived and he left. Three years later he arrived to visit me in NYC and I had a six pack and a chocolate cake waiting. It tasted better without the tears.
That’s a lovely story, what a good chum. That sounds like a delicious combo to me. (Also I pimp this cake way too much, but you might enjoy a chocolate stout cake, if you’ve never tried it. Beer IN the cake! It’s heavenly.)
Seconding the chocolate stout cake rec — I make chocolate cupcakes with Guinness in the batter and they are so delicious.
I make those too! With Bailey’s in the icing for extra oomph.
My last birthday cake (Before Allergies) was a Chocolate Guinness Cake with Bailey’s Ganache.
Oh man, that’s the best friendship story I’ve heard in some time. My heart has grown three sizes.
Beer with cake is A Thing! Present this to your detractors: http://drinks.seriouseats.com/2013/10/how-to-pair…
I love the tradition with your friend, so sweet! (Pun intended)
The Indigo Girls are going to be in my city for the first time in forever and I will see them July 2! I am SO EXCITED!!! EEEeeeeeeeeeeee!
Sweet! The Piano Guys are going to be in my city but the tickets are already sold out, which makes me very 🙁
I’m lucky enough to have seen them twice (once at Red Rocks, once in a tiny local venue). They put on such a great show! Have fun!!!!!!
I saw them about 14 years ago, and I am definitely looking forward to seeing them again!
Fourteen years? *counts on fingers and toes* I’m 99% sure we saw the same tour!
Guys. I am wavering in my belief in God. Or maybe “belief” is the wrong word. I’m wavering in my faith that God will help us. One of my uncles has been in the hospital for over a week now with pneumonia, and his wife keeps asking us to pray for him, and I keep thinking, I don’t think God cares. I’ve seen other family members suffer from MS and early-onset dementia and I just keep thinking, if God really cared about us, he wouldn’t let these things happen. So what is the point of praying? It’s not like these people didn’t pray enough, or weren’t good people.
Maybe that’s just a thing about modern-day Christianity – it seems like there is a lot of “you pray, and God gives you good things.” But really I don’t think that’s how it works.
I want to believe in a God that cares about us, and that will reward those who do good and punish those who do evil. But I just feel like there’s no evidence of that. I feel like maybe there is a God, but not one that cares about us. Maybe God has gotten annoyed with modern secular life and that’s the reason. But I don’t know if there’s a way to get God back.
CS Lewis explained his view of prayer by saying he does not pray to change God, he prays to change himself. In your examples, praying for someone else helps you shift your perspective. Ideally, your time in prayer for that person brings you insights for how you can be helpful to that person.
I believed this about prayer when I was a Christian. Now gently atheist, I still see it that way.
I’m really sorry to hear about your uncle, and also that his situation has called your faith into question. Speaking as someone who is not a Christian or even religious, feel free to toss what I say out or cover it in grains of salt, but: God is not a vending machine. You don’t insert good deeds and pull out a Lexus, or a cure. I *do* believe in a God/higher power/toaster that cares about us, but if I thought for a minute that everything that happened to me was in judgmental response to my relative good or evil, I’d have no choice but to assume I’m a serial killer who just hasn’t come out yet. I pray for what I want and let the desire go–it’s not a guarantee that I’ll receive what I asked for or a kick in the balls. Trusting the process when it’s out of your hands is what faith is all about. OK. Sorry to go all Linus there. I hope your uncle recovers swiftly, and that you feel better, too!
HIGHER TOASTER. Screw the spaghetti monster, I want this on a T-shirt with the Toast logo.
Yes! I want this too. On a shirt and on a tote bag. Heathered is so cool with the word combos.
No advice for this one — my belief suffered after my grandma passed away. I’m here with ya.
Thanks for being here.
I have no advice. I just want to say that it is normal and okay to question your faith. It is normal and okay to change your faith. It is normal and okay to change your faith for a little bit and then go back to it later, with both you and your faith looking a little older and needing different things from each other. Faith is a big hard question that is being asked every day and that can have different answers every day. Let yourself embrace that process as much as possible and know that you are normal and okay and good and loved.
Even if God isn’t real or doesn’t care about us, remember that you have people in your life, real life and here on the internet, who are real and do care about you. They and we are here for you as you question and as you go through a difficult time. *Internet Hug*
^ this. I believe that there has to be room for doubt, otherwise faith wouldn’t be a choice.
But that doesn’t make the moments of alone-feeling easier. Knowing that things are going to be ok in the long run doesn’t take away the grief of coming to terms that things are very much not ok right now.
I do have a belief in a whole heaven full of everyone who wants to be there, and every one of them, including God, are grieving with you right now. And like gclouts says, you have an Internet full of people who are willing to grieve with you too. So if God doesn’t make things suck any less, and if we can’t make it suck any less, at least please know you’re not alone in this.
I also believe that doubt is essential to faith because it’s where we find god. Certainty in faith, to me, is like telling god who and how to be. Like, who really 100% knows who or even what god is and what the rules of divinity are, or if there are rules? In certainty, we’re telling god what the rules are, and I think the paradigm is the other way around. In doubt, god can reveal it/himself to us in new slants of light. We can glimpse new facets of divinity when we accept room for change and growth–not that it doesn’t ever get wonky or contorted or confusing or scary. We can learn and grow in doubts and questions. Ever-expanding insight into divinity is a beautiful part of being human to me. Prayer, to me, is often about emptying oneself of what we think god is, or if god is, and allowing for new and radical insight to arise in silence. Perhaps you are wavering in your belief of how god works, but you might just be expanding your understanding of how or if god works. All of these modes are good modes, whatever insight your draw through the grief. I have to 1,000,000,000x upvote “you have an Internet full of people who are willing to grieve with you too.” And a whole lot of people who are ready and eager to share their faith with you, and support you in your’s.
I’ve been struggling with faith and doubt for a while now, and this really spoke to me. Thank you.
I’m so sorry. It makes sense. We’ve been wrestling with this stuff for centuries and you’re not alone in this.
I definitely agree that a belief in prosperity and blessing has gotten tangled up in American Christianity to its great detriment. And also a pervasive idea that God will give us what we want if we pray for it, pray hard enough, etc.
But I think most people who struggle with faith struggle with the paradox of how does God allow x to happen, does he care, etc.
What has stuck with me is the idea that God suffered, that Jesus suffered, and that God suffers with us and enters into our pain. There’s something in Hebrews, and maybe elsewhere, about there’s nothing we’ve felt or experienced that Jesus didn’t feel. He cried, and mourned, and suffered, and died, so he knows what it’s like.
That’s been helpful to me. It may not be helpful to you or anyone else. Wherever you end up, my thoughts and sympathies are with you. We humans care and send love to you, whether there’s a God who does or not.
FWIW, I haven’t attended church regularly in more than 2 years and I’m still debating about going tonight. But tonight would be a good opportunity to remember all that stuff I just said. Anyway…
It might be that the reward for prayer is being able to face those things with equanimity. I think life happens, and I don’t think the divine intercedes in it much-if-at-all. But I absolutely believe that being able to get through grief, face our own mortality, accept physical/mental ills, and all are things we can pray for and receive. And since life is going to happen anyway, those are great gifts.
I’m so sorry about your uncle. I went through a very long crisis of faith after my dad left (I was 24 but it still hurt like a stab wound), and have only recently – 6 years later – worked through that crisis and come out still a believer. My mom always used to say “When we pray, God answers in one of three ways: Yes, No, and Wait.” Just because we ask for something doesn’t mean we will get it – all the hours on my knees begging for my dad to come back never came to anything – and as Noodlette says above, I don’t think God is involved in everyday life.
I don’t know what tradition of Christianity you were raised in, but mine was certainly of the “pray to God if you don’t know what to eat for breakfast, and He will guide you” variety. It also has the corollary that if something bad happens to us, it’s like the story of Job – Satan asks God if he can torture us, and God is like, “sure, let’s prove his faith that way!” I have always thought it was nonsense, and as I’ve gotten older I’ve seen my view proven out. We don’t always get what we want; this world is full of pain, and belief in a loving God just can’t change that.
I wholeheartedly believe that, even though your uncle’s illness is not a “test,” it is worth it to stick with your faith. Maybe he is cured (I had a friend diagnosed with terminal, inoperable brain cancer, given a year to live, and now, somehow, miraculously, he is in remission and has been alive for more than 7 years after his diagnosis) and maybe he isn’t (my daddy is never coming back, and I will never dance with him at my wedding or let him hold his grandchildren), but I feel so much happier now, now that I’ve come through the worst of it with my faith restored. Battered and bruised, yes, but alive.
If you want to talk, let me know and I will send you my email address. I will keep you in my heart this weekend at the Holy Week/Easter services.
I am so sorry about everything.
I have long felt that God suffers with us in an broken and imperfect world. The rain falls on the just and the unjust alike. It’s not fair. But the hope of Christ is that we are loved in spite of our imperfections, and will help us grow to be kinder, more loving, and give us courage to enact justice where we can, and be love where we can’t. This may not help you now (or ever), but that’s how I see it. That’s often why we call it “the peace which passes all understanding”. And sometimes prayer is a cry to God, or a rage against God, and all of that is OK. And you don’t have to be healed or peaceful, you can be angry. You are allowed. You might also look for the presence of God in those who are providing care at this time.
It is possible you may lose your faith…you won’t be the first. There is nothing wrong with you for for feeling this way. I just want to affirm that your feelings are real, and they’re yours, and you have a good reason for them. You can choose to look at my perspective as useful or not, that is fine. It is entirely up to you. But I am going to pray for you to be sustained in this hard time, whatever conclusion you come to on the other side.
I am an atheist these days, but was raised Lutheran. I remember one thing my dad told me, which contradicted what we were told in church and by the larger modern, American, Christian narrative. He said: Pray about things, not for things.
It used to make him so angry when our pastor would pray for rain.
Prayer has never made sense to me before. Thanks, your dad.
Your dad. Wow. So wise.
I think prayer is more to change us than it is to change the will of God.
So, one way I think about prayer is communication. We all know that all relationships require communication to weather difficult periods. And yet, even relationships that are super loving and communicative will have problems.
And so prayer isn’t the thing that protects you from Bad Stuff, it’s the thing that helps you get through said bad stuff. Growing up, the language in my church and family was to pray for comfort and support of the sick and their families. I’m not saying it’s wrong to pray for healing, but at this time it might be better to think about praying for his comfort; for the doctors who treat him; for the people surrounding his wife that she might get the emotional help she needs. (I just said a prayer for your family, that you all might be surrounded by the love and support of God and your community while your uncle is suffering.) I believe that God does care about you and love you–but also, that God doesn’t operate as a Dues Ex Machina which will sweep in and take all our cares and problems away.
Lastly, it is okay for you to feel unsure about God, or even feel God doesn’t exist. You will maybe never “get God back” as you had God before. You’ll never go back to being the person you were before; and there’s a possibility that you’ll never find that certainty in God for a long time or ever. It’s also okay for you to be angry with God; all relationships have times of strength and times of conflict. It’s not a sin to be angry with God, it’s not a sin to question your faith. You aren’t bad, you’re a human in a complex situation.
I mean this in a deeply philosophical, theological way, it might be worth examining how you felt about how god loves before you started questioning it. You’ve lived with the knowledge that deeply spiritual people (along with everyone else) have gotten sick & experienced deep tragedy since the world’s inception, so what’s the space between experiencing it personally and knowing that it has always been the way? And in the space between knowledge and experience, some kind of doubt has risen. But the space between–the space that change can occur in–is where your answers can grow from. It can be worth revisiting Job in these times, because god’s relationship to tragedy is a deep question entrenched in Christian theology–not antithetical to it.
It can also be worth asking what you mean by “help us.” Help can mean give you strength, a resource in trying times. Help can mean “make him healthy” (but then, why not make everyone healthy? there’s lots of evidence that this is not how god has ever worked, including and especially in the Bible). Praying for help can mean help to deepen our faith in the face of hardship, come to a more complex and nuanced relationship and understanding of god. Maybe the hospital is where you need to be for the next step of your spiritual journey, to leave the “pray & get stuff” paradigm behind? Since it’s Good Friday, it’s a good time to ask, “why didn’t God help Jesus get off that cross? Jesus prayed,” But is that the right question?
I wish you peace and strength and health in your family. And I will pray for you & your family.
When my mom had breast cancer, she used to say “I’m not asking God to take it away, I’m asking God to help me get through it”. I agree with others in this thread that I don’t think God has that much involvement in our day to day life, but that type of prayer makes the most sense to me- kind of asking God to help you be strong and embody your best qualities when you need it the most. I know this helped my mom a lot when she was sick, even when she felt like her life was out of her control, I think it helped her take some of that control back.
I am sorry to hear your uncle is unwell, and I am so very sorry that you are suffering.
After my brother’s death, I had some serious philosophical and spiritual inventories to complete. It’s been almost ten years and it’s still in process. It’s difficult and complicated.
One of the best things I have heard about prayer was from Caroline Myss. I’m paraphrasing here, but, she says every prayer at its core is simply “be with me”. And that’s all it can be. She also says that divine logic is human paradox, which to me, here, would mean expecting you can negotiate what seems like a rational result to you is a destructive model. Prayer isn’t a currency and neither is goodness. The presence of the divine isn’t about whether good/bad things are occurring to or around you, or anyone else. RoseCamelia’s comment is wonderful, and extends my thoughts here. Prayer is for you, about you. The gift of prayer, like meditation, is the power in it to change how you can face a situation, not whether the situation happens.
And on a strictly personal note, i find when I stop chasing my tail in my own head and extend my belief that there is a solution outward, it allows my unconscious to re-approach the situation and attract a solution, in many cases. Not all. Some things just flat suck, and in those cases, prayer or its close relations serve to manage my ability to view those challenges as opportunities.
A lot of very kind responses on this thread already, from a variety of perspectives… just adding one more: I grew up a very sincere Christian, went through an extended period of confusion and anguish, and now identify as atheist. Questioning your faith, whether or not you retain it in the end, can be such a frightening experience. If it’s a big part of who you are, then it can feel risky to consider alternative ways of being. Be gentle with yourself.
I always feel weird in these discussions, so if you’re not interested in a non-Christian perspective please feel free to ignore this. I don’t believe in a God who could fix the world but chooses not to for whatever reason, but I do believe in gods who care about me, and about humanity in general, and about the world. I believe that prayer is a conversation and relationship, and sometimes the answer is, “Man, that sucks.” Which is – sometimes that’s the only answer that will do any good. Fairness is so, so hard, and in anything as big and as the universe it’s bound to be one of those compromises that makes everyone unhappy in the long run.
You don’t have to have faith; you don’t have to believe in anything at all, if you don’t want to. But I think that if you do want to, it’s better to keep asking the question and listening for whatever answers come. Whatever your questions, whatever your answers, I am wishing you the light you need to find your way.
I love all the thoughtful comments here. To chime in from a Buddhist perspective, one of the things I’ve drawn a lot of comfort from is the idea that suffering, or things going wrong, is a natural part of the world. Meditation helps me let that sink in–that I’m not broken or a bad person for feeling distressed sometimes, that it’s just part of the Deal of being human.
Could prayer function the same way? It’s not part of my practice, but I’ve always thought of it as a way to really face the most important things in life with love, family and troubles included.
Sorry about your uncle and hope he gets well!
As an atheist who enjoys reading religion my favorite part of the bible is the book of Job. When Job is sitting in his dust heap he says, “let me just talk to god, and god will explain how he made a mistake, for I am I good man and I praised the lord.”
Then God shows up and is like, “oh really you think I made a mistake? I who made the storms and the wild animals and all of creation?” and then he gives Job a pretty rough and sarcastic quiz- “hey do you know how this whole shebang works?”
The part that blows my mind is, “Is it by your wisdom that the hawk soars and spreads its wings to the south, is it at your command that the eagle mounts up and makes its nest on high? It lives on the rock and makes its home in the fastness of the rocky crag. From there it spies the prey; its eyes see from far away. Its young ones suck up blood, and where the slain are, there it is.”
The way I read it (and I read this as an ancient person trying to make sense of why the world is so full of chaos, not as a literal dialogue that happened in the real world), when a good man suffers he asks why and insists it must be a mistake and God then replies, I made the hare and the hawk, the grass the hare eats, the wildfire that kills the grass, the rain that feeds it, the earth it lives in, the things that are yours to command, like horses which serve you, and the things that can kill you like the behemoth.
God cares for the hawk and the hare and the flea and the grass, and these things harm each other to live. God loves creation as a whole, all the many works, from virus to man. I think the book of Job is one of the best stories ever written to explain why bad things happen to good people. The reason a bad thing happens to Job is not his fault. But people are quick to hope that is the reason, quick to turn on him. He’s quick to assume some mistake was made in the registry.
I think prayer is…about the things that are intangible, it’s not a thing that changes the odds, its a thing that gives comfort and love out into the world. When there’s nothing else you can do, there’s prayer. There’s begging and hoping and sending your love out, and that’s never wrong, to have hope and to be with your grief and your questions. That’s better than swallowing it and carrying on without giving yourself time to be with your pain.
At the end Job is given back again all he had and more, but I think what is being said is, this isn’t a replacement, this isn’t a promise that nothing else will ever go wrong. You hope it won’t, but man, make sure you tell your kids you love them, the world is a complicated and unstable place.
I think the bible says over and over, it is not in this here and now that God is responsible for justice with lightning bolts and floods. If you believe in an afterlife, that’s where the scales are balanced. on earth, its a human obligation to be just, perhaps more so in the face of so much uncertainty.
I hope your uncle recovers. I hope you find some answers to your questions. It’s hard when bad things happen to good people, hard to make peace with.
Huge hugs to you and your family. And my prayers too.
When my dad had a severe stroke a year ago I had many similar feelings. I still do sometimes. I WANT to pray for God to just make everything the way it was before. But I know that it’s highly unlikely that God will do that. So instead I pray for help and support. I prayed for the doctors and nurses who took care of him, I prayed for God to bring strength to my mom who never left his side, I prayed for strength myself to get through the days.
And I prayed to thank God. That might sound a bit weird, but I felt like our community of friends and family really pulled together for us during this time. I thanked God for them, for our modern medicine with out which my dad would have died, I thanked God for every person who told me they were praying for us.
I sort of think of prayer as a way that people are brought together. You know the ending of ‘The Grinch Who Stole Christmas’ where all the Who’s are singing and the song keeps growing and swelling? That’s kind of how I think of prayer. It is this beautiful song that has been going on for all time. We all add our notes and our refrains and all of us are touched and brought together through the song, no matter where or when we are. In that way, prayer helps me feel peace and feel love.
There are many wonderful ways to look at prayer in this thread, I hope one of them helps.
Also, prayer doesn’t just have to be happy. If you are angry at God for this, bring that to him. God can handle your anger too. *hugs*
*hugs* I was raised Jewish rather than Christian, and Judaism doesn’t really do the odd prayer-bargaining thing. I had doubts on and off about the existence of God, but I ignored them as much as I could. Ten years ago I stopped being able to ignore them. I had been learning more about religion, and while I found it fascinating, especially the social anthropology side of things, the more I learned, the less I believed. One day I woke up, realised I didn’t believe, and felt a bit panicky and lonely. It didn’t last long, but it was odd and unpleasant. I stopped going to synagogue shortly after that, which everyone thought was very peculiar, because most Jews in the UK are agnostics or atheists, and they thought it was weird that I believed in the first place!
Anyway. for those of us who believed in a deity and then stopped believing, it is normal to grieve for a while. It’s a bit like grieving the end of a bad relationship, when you are missing the person you wished they were, the lovely person they had seemed at first, rather than the person they turned out to be.
And yes, there is no evidence of a God, or of one caring about people and doling out punishments and rewards. Personally, I found that a relief. There are people, mainly Christians, who believe that disability exists as a punishment for sin, for instance, and that’s a horrible and massively bigoted thing to say. I am not disabled because I am being punished, I have not done anything to deserve it, and whether I believe in a deity or behave in an ethical fashion has no bearing on the course of my medical condition. Same goes for your uncle. All the best to him, and to your family. I hope he recovers swiftly and well, and that whatever happens, it’s as low-stress as possible for everyone, and that you get good medical and emotional support.
It’s down to us. Humans make their own choices, they are affected by various things including systemic oppression and historical factors, but there isn’t someone up there making arbitrary decisions about us. We construct our own systems of ethics. Since religions are complex social constructs which are usually early methods at organising a culture, they include legal and ethical systems, so that is in the background even for secular nations and people. My personal system of ethics is based around many things, including some things I learned from Judaism, including being influenced by Greek tragedy when I was twelve (it’s very anti-revenge), deciding to become vegetarian and then vegan, being influenced by pro-lifers when I was young and changing my mind later on, and of course the country I live in, for instance in that it banned capital punishment half a century ago.
Most of the talk about ethics I see comes from marginalised people, people fighting racism and misogyny and ableism and whorephobia and transphobia. They are good people, working hard to do good in the world.
One of the things which held me in Judaism longer than I should have stayed was the sense of community (and the music, the music’s fab), and I have found that in other places. The LGBT community was home when I was a student. These days it’s that and also the disability community. When a friend of a friend was suddenly denied her disability welfare benefits and put into debt, or another disabled friend on a low income suddenly had to move house and had moving costs, we rallied round to fundraise for them. People sent them money, people sent them love, people popped in to help, and while chances are that some of them were religious, none of the ones I knew were. The ones I knew were usually broke, donating money despite living on welfare benefits or a part-time job, but we look after each other.
The idea that people are inherently good or bad depending on whether they believe in a deity is silly. There are all sorts of people both within and outside religions, both atheists and believers. I don’t really think there’s a correlation with good behaviour, considering the huge cultural factors, the main one of which is whether you’re brought up in a religion. Although one thing that has stuck with me is the saying, “A lot more people have been killed in the name of God than in the name of the devil”. There are a lot of people using religion as an excuse for mistreating others. Christianity has a long history of this. Judaism less so, but it still practises routine male circumcision. That’s an unforgivable breach of human rights in my view. There are a lot of problems with misogyny and homophobia in some branches of Judaism, though not the ones I was involved in (the local rabbi is doing a lot for LGBT rights in particular), but they all insist on circumcision, and in the end I couldn’t look past that. I needed to take a hard look at my religion, what it was doing and had done in the past. It’s not just about belief in a deity (something I find surprisingly hard to get through to my partner, who’s always been an atheist and doesn’t quite get the whole cultural component). It’s about the whole thing.
Since there have been many discussions about academia and sexual harassment on a bunch of the posts this week, I wanted to share this link that was recently shared with me (I hadn’t seen it posted elsewhere, but maybe I didn’t dig deep enough): http://www.ixgrads.org/mission/ It’s a new(?) sexual assault network for graduate and professional students, and it looks like it might be a great resource/support group for grad students (and maybe post-docs?) who are experiencing harassment or have other questions.
The discussion last week about A Little Life, and the ongoing ToB stuff, has put this book question in my head: what’s a difficult book that you consider worth it? Like, not an easy read in terms of length, subject matter, style, whatever, but at the end you were like, Dang. That was worth the effort.
A Brief History of Seven Killings was the last one that did that for me, and, wow, I’m glad I was told how good it was going to get, because the brutality and straight-up difficult to understand stream of consciousness starts right away.
I also remember getting A Suitable Boy as a Christmas present yeeears ago, and looking at it like, really? REALLY? I have since read it TWICE and missed it terribly when it was over both times. What a lovely book.
Probably An Unnamed State. I thought it was going to be a lot harder to read than it was and was really glad I did. And I’m trusting that the movie will be worth it too.
oof, that book was too easy to keep reading in spite of how hard it was to process. I have to put it down, I can’t put it down, etc etc…
Both a A Brief History of Seven Killings and An Untamed State were really tough, but so so worth it. Just Mercy was the latest for me. Very good, and a lot of stuff I sort of knew about, but enraging when I read about the particular cases of injustice.
Good question… Lolita and The Road are the first that come to mind for me.
2666 by Bolano. The fourth chapter, The Part about the crimes, tells the murders of 112 women from one town. The whole book did such a great job of depicting the culture of hating women. One of the best books I’ve ever read.
I’m just about to start A Little Life!
oooof I hadn’t heard of this book before, even reading the description is pretty brutal! It looks fantastic but convincing oneself to read it must be hard…
I love that book but the fourth section is really difficult, just the piling up of tragedy. I recently read the Skating Rink by Bolano and it has so many of the aspects I liked about 2666.
The Sound and the Fury is a classic example and thank god I had an amazing professor and great classmates to help me through it. Dhalgren is a) pretty long and b) pretty meandering until you get to a part where !!!!!!!!! it was all worth it. Lilith’s Brood caused me physical anxiety, despair, and intense frustration, but I am so glad I read it.
Ditto on A Suitable Boy. Also Ulyssses. I missed the discussion of A Little Life, but I ended up feeling really resentful toward the end. I was loving it until Caleb, and then I was just like, this is Too Much. And then it was Too Much until the end.
A Suitable Boy was fantastic, wasn’t it? My nominee would be Jonathan Littell’s The Kindly Ones, which is brutal and grim and delves into all sorts of psychopathy but is an amazing feat of imagination.
The Sparrow.
The Crimson Petal and the White.
Oh, I put A Brief History of Seven Killings down just because of that– I couldn’t deal with the brutality. But maybe I should try it again.
I love A Suitable Boy so much! It definitely requires effort, but is so very worth it.
My example is not the most intellectual: Northern Lights by Philip Pullman. I was given it as a 10-year-old and tried to read it a few times, but just couldn’t get into it – it was so long and dense! And then my parents took us on holiday, and a few days before my 11th birthday we were stranded on a train in Thailand in the middle of the flooded countryside, for several days. I had Northern Lights with me and nothing else to do, so I persevered, and I loved it so, so much. It was not the best situation (and while I was completely fine, the floods were devastating for the people who actually lived there, so I don’t want to be flippant), but I am so grateful I was pushed into reading that book and loving it.
I should have guessed A Suitable Boy would be a total Toastie book 🙂
I read Moby Dick over Christmas, which is the first difficult text I’ve wrestled with in a while (and you do wrestle, you DO BATTLE with it.) I thought it was really something, though – I still can’t say if I liked it? But I can definitely say that when you’ve read it you’ve sure read Something. I read an interesting article about teaching it to undergrads where the author mentions that something he thinks modern young people can learn from it is that works do not have to be perfect to be great, which is something I have thought of often since. (It is not perfect. It is a MESS. But I’m pretty sure it’s great.)
That’s a good assessment. I remember thinking, in the middle 400 pages, “Hmm I’m kind of bored but I guess I’ll keep at it.” The first and last 50 pages are are great, and the middle is… definitely something.
I am nearly finished with Moby Dick (started over a month ago) and calling it Something is very accurate.
My husband and I are slooooowly reading A God in Ruins to each other and it’s hard to read but very good. We loved Life After Life.
I would also add to this list anything by Walter Mosley. The Socrates Forlow books are sometimes difficult to read because his life is so freaking hard sometimes, but so so good and deep. Highly recommend.
The second half of Half of Yellow Sun, especially the parts involving Ugwu 🙁
But damn is it good and fills in some gaps in historical knowledge I didn’t even know I had.
I was struggling to think of an answer to this but oh my GOD yes, this destroyed me – Ugwu in particular as well. I had to literally take a chill pill after I finished it because I was so upset I couldn’t sleep yet I think it’s one of the best books I’ve ever read.
The Iliad is hard for several reasons: you have to get the right translation (Fitzgerald for readability, Lattimore for super accurate if dull translation, Pope for nerds, Fagles and Lombardo for nobody ever), you have to sit through descriptions of rows and rows of boats and factions, and basically everybody dies. So not only are all ur faves gone, you need to keep track of 10,000 minor character deaths. But it’s also the goddamn Iliad, and there’s a reason it’s stuck around for all these millennia.
WOW! I took a break at the right time!
Weekly update, quickly: I need a mapping miracle and a Lacrosse training miracle. We have only 7 practices before our first game and they are SO not ready. We haven’t even played 3 on 4 yet, or even gotten on a real field (the joy of NE OH weather).
My daughter has decided to have some sort of identity crisis over karate? The thing she loves more than anything? She says things like “I don’t want anything less than to quit, but I feel weird and don’t want to do”. This makes me cry.
My ex buys the 19 year old pizza and pays his car insurance, but who’s the one picking up/paying for his thyroid meds and reminding him every month before he runs out? I’ll give you one guess. At least the kid didn’t run out this month.
No reason for why highschooler fainted in the shower other than the vagus nerve. Please tell me how not to be a nervous wreck about him.
The abuse verdict and some murder/suicides (one is too many, there have been 4 or 5 in our area this past month) and Easter are all coinciding to make me very uncomfortable (last year I tried to go to church for Easter, and had a panic attack instead when I realized I had to look at my horrible divorce lawyer and the lawyer who got my ex off on his DV charges (both of whom are still on the church board), in a place that was supposed to be safe and spiritually rewarding for me, and I quit my UU church. I didn’t expect to care but apparently I do, and I don’t need this now, thanks.
Anyway, please send vibes that the USGS download site cooperates with me, and I become a lacrosse expert. Thanks.
Ughhhh USGS why your site so BAD. All the government sites really. Dear god trying to find guidance levels for soil and groundwater in New York, hahaahah goooood luck. I am sending you good data vibes!!!
They’re all so terrible! My government lab JUST hired a temporary contractor to work on their website, it’s the first time anyone has touched it in at least 10years. Good luck LaxMom!
As a person who has always relied heavily on her church community, I’m so sorry. I can only imagine how hard it is for that community to be taken from you, and to have a yearly reminder. (And on a holiday that is all about new life! joy! redemption!) I hope whatever support system and community you have outside of that place is helping carry you through.
I loved nothing more than baseball/softball as a kid, and quit as I entered high school, mostly for scheduling reasons. I’m a-glad my parents let me choose without making a fuss and b-kind of wished they had had a convo about how I could make the scheduling work and also why I was choosing to let go of softball. (The truth is, I knew I was not the best and I would have to work really hard to keep up and it was easier to stop something I love so I could be the best at something I loved, but didn’t have to work for.) So, as for karate, I’d say that letting your daughter make up her own mind is awesome, but it’s okay to encourage her to stick it out. I am not a parent, so my advice might be worthless.
Re Vagus passing out. About 8 years ago, I passed out twice in 4 months. No idea why, other than pizza the night before both times, but I am not giving that up.
I took a tilt table test which reconfirmed it was vasal vagal syncope. But has never reoccurred since then. In telling people about this, many more than I had ever expected said something similar had happened to them one or twice then not again.
I would recommend the test, not so much for the test. but knowing its coming in a calm environment, allowed me to figure out exactly how it felt right before, so I knew that going forward I would have 10-20 seconds to sit down, get out of the shower etc. Its not the passing out that is the worry, its falling, hitting something etc. Maybe that could reassure you and him it would be safer next time.
Good luck with it, its weird and scary, but at least anecdotally, goes away.
I have vasovagal syncope when I’m having abdominal cramps, which between my hell periods and IBD is pretty regular. It really does become pretty easy to cope with once you learn to recognize the signs (for me, wooziness, tunnel vision and becoming very hot). I sometimes end up laying face down/butt in the air or feet raised against the wall in the bathroom naked, but I haven’t actually passed out in a few years.
I pass out in a few blood/pain-related situations; I can also fuzz out when getting out of a hot bath or shower too quickly!
You do get better at recognizing it and making sure you don’t hit the deck. Tell your kiddo to cool down the shower water a bit, and if he starts to feel weird to get his knees over his head ASAP and get up very gradually, and/or to squeeze his major leg and abdominal muscles.
Thank you both! He is pretty blase about it but I’m still freaked because he was unconscious in running water. I will let him know your advice for how to cope with it before it overcomes him completely.
Wtf regarding DV enablers at church is the woooooorst. I’d tell you to try the Methodist Church but we’re a hot mess right now with the LGBT question (why is it even a question auuuuuugh). Good luck and best wishes with everything!
If you’ve done the due diligence on the cause of the fainting and it’s just vasovagal syncope, your kid will either not have it happen more or learn to recognize what’s happening and deal with it. Make sure your highschooler knows what to do if he feels himself starting to faint, and everything will most likely be fine. I fainted on several occasions in childhood and my teenage years, and it wasn’t great, but I did eventually learn when it was happening and now I can pretty much stop it from happening by pre-emptively sitting or lying down. (“Pretty much” only because once I fainted while giving blood, and in that context I probably couldn’t stop a reoccurrence; I was already lying down, at the time. However, I don’t give blood anymore, because they don’t actually like you to go in there and faint on them.)
In fact, I can do better than that; these days I can identify some of the suspect situations early enough to avoid even the need to sit down. For me this mostly means making sure to drink a lot of water, especially if I’m doing anything physically demanding, and never suddenly stopping major physical activity without a cool-down. For example, I am always the person who takes water hiking even if we will be on the trail for only half an hour. In exercise classes we sometimes do a jogging warm-up followed by standing still and stretching, and when that happens I might end up seeking out excuses to walk across the room in the middle of the stretching, because using my leg muscles is a good way to keep my blood pressure up. Both of these things would have been embarrassing to me in high school, but they are a lot better than random fainting or near-miss cold sweats, so.
If I remember right, your daughter is in her early/ mid teens? I think that is a normal time to have that sort of identity crisis about any interest you’ve had since childhood, and from what I’ve seen in the dojos I’ve practiced in it is an especially normal time for teen girls to have that sort of identity crisis about martial arts.
From personal experience, I did jujitsu for a few years as a teen (probably 12-15 ish), gave it up during high school, then picked judo up in college and never looked back (going on 12 years now). In my case, it was just too far/ too much time/ I had too many other things I needed to be doing- so even though I was enjoying my practice, I just needed to set it aside for those years.
I do think that the dojo is a very different experience for teens than it is for any other group. The kids seem to form a pretty solid social group, and I’ve loved my dojo community as an adult, but for the teens, they’re often practicing with the adults since they’re too big/ strong for the kids, but they don’t really fit in yet. I’ve never been at a dojo with a large enough teen population for the teens to make their own community, so I think they do tend to get a bit lost at that age. The ones that stick with it tend to be the serious competitors who have relationships with other competitors at other dojos and so have that larger community, or they have a really good buddy or two within the dojo.
For me, joining a club during college was an amazing experience, because all of the sudden I had this awesome community right away while everyone was busy trying to find their tribes. But that definitely wasn’t the experience I had at 15 (and I cheated and brought my tribe with me- my best friend and sister joined at the same time). As an adult, I love my dojo and it’s a big part of my life. But I don’t know that I missed much taking that time off in between.
The great thing about martial arts is that they’ll be there when she’s ready- I’ve taken time off here and there, and it’s always been nice coming back and realizing that judo is right there for me when I’m ready.
Yeah, this is when both of her brothers started dropping off in attendance and eventually quit. I am trying to do for her what I did for them, which is attend classes with her (any brown belt can go to any adult class, yesterday that worked out well as other kids from her class were there also) and be as supportive as possible. I am not sure if she isn’t going enough to feel like she fits in, and then it starts a vicious circle. She’s a small twelve but she’s ferocious when she is in the dojo. She doesn’t believe she’s any good though, which is ridiculous. I’ll try not to push her.
If she’s the smallest or one of the smallest of the people she practices with, she might be super frustrated- I’ve been there before and it sucks to see people “winning” against you in practice because they’re taller/ heavier/ stronger than you are, not because they’re better. I don’t really have a solution besides “get better and recruit people your own size” but I’m sending lots of commiseration her way.
Something that helped me when I was starting judo, which may or may not be the sort of thing that helps her, was deciding that since I had a lifetime to practice judo, I didn’t have to be good at it *now*- I just had to keep going. That let me keep the pressure on for things I really did have to master, like, that semester, and it helped the dojo be a fun place for me. It’s a hard place to get to but it’s a good place to be at.
It’s a holiday for me, and I don’t have to feel guilty about hanging out with you lovely people this afternoon! (I really ought to go take a shower at some point though.)
So did everyone else know about the Moby Dick Big Read? http://www.mobydickbigread.com/
I only just discovered it, but apparently it’s been around a while now? Full disclosure, I hated the excerpt of MD that I read in high school. But this is a full audiobook, free and available on podcast form, all chapters read by different people, and chapter 1 is read by Tilda Swinton. And there’s such a cool list of people for the whole project. I couldn’t resist.
If you heard of it/listened to it, what did you think? I haven’t started yet. Feelings about MD in general? Will this help me overcome my previous aversion? I’m just really fascinated and hoping this could be a thing with other classics. What a fabulous idea.
An English literature graduate friend of mine told me not to read Moby Dick unless I wanted to know everything there was to know about the whaling industry in the 19th century. I don’t, so I never read it.
is it cesar chavez day where you are, or something else?
Good Friday. I work at a private college where they still observe Easter break.
I think maybe the key with Moby-Dick is to just treat it like this big thing you’re gonna live with for a while, rather than expecting a strong narrative through-line. There’s definitely a story, but it’s not in any hurry to happen. There’s not a huge cast of characters and a lot of incident like you would get with most big nineteenth-century novels. The story is relatively simple, and you often get becalmed in Ishmael’s musings about things. The saving grace is that a lot of those musings are quite beautiful; Melville is one of the better prose stylists America has had, in a way that is likely to pass a reader by if that reader sees all the non-plot chapters as distractions. Most of us know how the story ends. There’s no need to hurry on the way there.
This makes it sound like a good choice for an audiobook experience, and one read by a bunch of different people at that.
Yeah, it could be really cool! I don’t listen to many audiobooks (mostly because I don’t drive) but I’m thinking of downloading the Big Read anyway and making time for it here and there.
I really ought to go take a shower at some point though
bwhaha!
I haven’t listened to it yet, but I had to click the link and check on who reads Chapters 4 and 10, because those are literally the only plot-related chapters I remember, having written a paper my freshman year of college about the Ishmael/Queequeg subtext.
Chapter 4, which I would say is decently gay, is read by Caleb Crain, who Wikipedia tells me “is an American writer, who was a Lambda Literary Award nominee in the Gay Fiction category at the 26th Lambda Literary Awards in 2014 for his debut novel Necessary Errors.”
Chapter 10, which is very gay, is read by Stephen Fry.
Well, then. This project is doing everything the way I want it to and now I guess I have to actually listen to it soon.
HOLY SWEET GOD, THE CASSOCK CHAPTER IS READ BY JOHN WATERS.
This is the really short chapter explaining how to make a raincoat out of a whale penis.
This is perfect. This is everything I ever wanted.
You’re making me even more excited for this. (:
Gonna be honest, I remember enjoying the book at the time despite not having expected that I would, but now ten years later? All I have retained is the gay parts. (But this is true of a lot of things for me, probably.)
I think I may use this to finish Moby Dick when I am flying this week.
I love it but also feel like I’m wading through a swamp made of treacle.
The Jian Ghomeshi verdict is tearing my heart out. I was HARD into Moxy Fruvous as a high school/college nerd and I had a HUGE crush on Jian. I had photos of him on my wall and everything. I thought he was just so cool, sensitive, and thoughtful, the perfect feminist man. In the years after the band stopped touring and Jian became a media host and I got a little older and wiser (I guess), I started to realize that he had a monumental ego and I kind of rolled my eyes at my youthful crush on him but I still thought he was basically a good guy.
It really hurts that I was so badly snowed by his “good guy” act and it hurts that this is just one more thing that is going to make me feel like I can’t trust any man and it hurts that the world is so hostile to abuse survivors. Fuck Jian, fuck every abusive “good guy,” fuck that judge, fuck everyone who doesn’t believe women. I hate everything.
Yeah, I’m in your boat– most of my discretionary income the year I lived in NY state went to Fruvous concerts and transportation thereto. It guts me to see someone whom I crushed on, and whom I trusted to be decent and feminist, using misogynist tropes to get away with abusing women. I am so sad and angry.
Are there any Toastly sites aimed more at men / masculine folks that Toastrons would recommend?
Autostraddle is a queer women’s website that pays attention to lots of gender identities and presentations (boi, butch, etc), and is intersectional af. Mix of femme and masculine content but you will definitely find good stuff there!
I kindof like wehuntedthemammoth, it’s anti-MRA and gamergate skepticism, which is very useful, but limited. There are regular open threads, though. I more or less skim for the MRA/harrasment world updates but haven’t done much else. That takes care of the misandry angle but I’m not sure where you’d go for the literary side of things.
in the pretty near future I will be telling my job to go fuck itself so I can go study book conservation in Italy for a month and then I guess fuck around for a while longer in the europe until every last scrap of money I have is burned up and vanished. then I will go home and see if my cat has forgotten me. supposing that after I ruin a bunch of irreplaceable archival holdings or whatever, I want to go sit on an island for a week and pretend I own it, would you say it would be a better move to go north to a skye or an orkney or south to a Patmos? or even somewhere else that is also an island? n.b. I have no driver’s license and no common sense.
Italy has never had any particular imaginative hold on me but I am coming around to it, I am already planning to visit the doll hospital of terrors in rome and the monster death mermaid garden in wherever that is. I suppose there are other things to do in italy as well
p.s. do not dare to tell me to go to Florence and ponce around pretending to be hannibal lecter as if I wasn’t already going to. how dare you.
Go to Tuscany! I lived in Italy for a while in college, and my lasting impression was that the cities are nice, but Tuscany is so beautiful and calmer. and the wineeeeeee
I have no advice and this is pretty far from what my life is like but I just wanted to say that I feel this so hard.
Is monster death mermaid garden the same as the Tarot Garden? If it is not, consider adding the Tarot Garden to your garden itinerary. I have never been, but it looks amazing: http://ilgiardinodeitarocchi.it/en/
no! that one is new to me! I was thinking of this Garden of Bomarzo situation: http://images.travelpod.com/tw_slides/ta00/9da/84…
So the bleak northern places have always spoken to me much, much more than the sensual southern ones. To that effect, I have a whole list of austere Baltic islands where I want to spend some time translating forgotten German novellas in a grand hotel during the off-season. The top contenders are Hiddensee in Germany (Wikipedia tells me it’s car-free), Gotland in Sweden (it has a very well-preserved medieval town), and Hiiumaa in Estonia (for a variety of reasons, but also who can resist all those vowels). I haven’t been to any of these places yet, so I can’t vouch for them, but they just may appeal to you, too.
There are so many cool and awesome things to do in Italy, I hope you have fun! If you have an idea of where you’d like to go, I can try to give you some tips.
If you want to go to islands, going north is what I’d do but since you’re going to be in Italy, what about the islands in Croatia?
Where are you going to study book conservation in Italy? This sounds like a dream come true!
Orkney <3 <3 <3 when I was a college student and had reliable internet in my room my favorite thing was to listen to Radio Orkney in the evenings.
conservationnnnnnnn hello
(paintings-in-training)
okay folks settle in I have a whole lot to say, I’ve been gone for two weeks because of spring break.
First, let’s talk about New York! Everything about it was beautiful and amazing and overwhelming. I saw so much art and so many shows….I saw The Dinner Party in person which was on my bucket list, and then I saw Fun Home and didn’t stop crying for a good two hours after. All the cast hugged me because I was a mess. That cast recording got me through coming out.
Other things that happened:
I saw Jennifer Hudson and Danielle Brooks in the Color Purple and five other shows
I visited the Lesbian Herstory Archives
I saw Charlie Conway from Mighty Ducks’ butt
I traveled on the Subway independently
I bought a costume design sketchpad at the Met and it’s half full already.
Then I went home and stayed inside for a week, sleeping and drawing and learning ukulele and watching trash tv. It was perfection.
Aaaand now Im back to the grind, staying here for all of Easter Break.
https://www.atascocita.com/message_board/forumimg…
Hey babes, thank you all for the sleeping recommendations last OT. The gentleman and I have started going to bed at the same time, with the fan on super loudly, and we’ve both been sleeping so much better!
Things are by no means perfect, he is still snoring like a foghorn, but I think we’ve both realized that sharing a bed peacefully is an issue can hopefully be solved by small adjustments and compromise. Yay!
Oh, I wasn’t part of the OT last week, so I don’t know if this was suggested but – have you checked the humidity levels in your house? Sometimes when the air is dry that makes people snore more. We started the humidifier this winter and it really helped.
It was not suggested! I’m not too sure how to do that, but I will check into it. Thank you!
Do you like your humidifier? I live in a desert and my nose bleeds with some frequency, but every time I look for a humidifier, all of the reviews are about it molding immediately and killing whole families, or scalding babies to death, or something like that. Or, I guess what I’m wondering is, is your humidifier fine enough and has it not yet proved deadly? If so, can you tell me what kind it is?
There are cold-water humidifiers now (I have one), so the scalding danger is no longer something you need to worry about. As for mold, just scrub the humidifier out every couple days and you’ll be fine.
I got mine from Target for like thirty bucks. I can’t find the exact model, but it looked quite similar to this one.
Oh my, I never thought about cleaning humidifiers regularly! I had one last year and threw it away because it gave me a cough due to something growing on it. I can commit to regular scrubbing!
Yay! I was thinking about you this week and hoping you found a solution
Thanks 🙂
I’m glad it’s working out for you guys!
I know snoring != sleep apnea, but if you think that might be the problem you might want to look into these oral appliance things. At a dentist appointment last week the oral hygienist told me all about them. The hygienist herself has sleep apnea, uses one of these appliances, and said it was very comfortable and reduced her snoring a lot.
Oh, and I wrote a thing about women in Harry Potter so go read that if you like those sorts of things
Ohhh, I enjoyed it!
this is fantastic! I totally relate to Hermione and her disdain for girly stuff; I like to think she’ll grow out of it too (but whyyyy can’t it be canonnnnn). I wonder if Rainbow Rowell was thinking the same thing when she wrote Agatha in Carry On.
It was great!
It was great! Good job! I am going to read your headcanon Tumblr!
this was so, so great! thank you for sharing it.
Yes! I get so frustrated with the idea that to be a Strong Female Character you have to scorn traditionally feminine things. Actually, as a little girl it did a bit of a number on my self-esteem–I started calling myself a feminist at age six, but I also liked pink and princess stories (and not just the Disney ones) and hated sports and was good at creative things and bad at math.* And it made me feel bad, like I was letting down the side.
Another trope I find very irritating in Harry Potter, though, though is the Hot Librarian crossed with Beautiful All Along–the Yule Ball scene feels to me like it’s doing some of that. Don’t worry, kids! Hermione is totally pretty after all.
*actually, it seems pretty clear now that I wasn’t bad at math at all; I was bad at physically writing out tons and tons of practice problems. My conceptual understanding was just fine, but being “stuck” on the Three Times Table Test because I couldn’t get all the answers written down in 60 seconds did a number on my self-esteem
“the Pevensie siblings and their friends and families have joined the last battle because they have all died in a train crash, one that may or may not have killed Susan as well.”
wait……. what
Yup that is a thing that happened
I just read it and loved it!! Thank you for linking it- I know I will be thinking about it a lot. I sent it to my bff so we could have an intense chat about it 🙂 (as bffs are wont to do)
A+ thing, would read again
I have had a Strange Week and plan to have the most relaxing, self-indulgent weekend ever to recover from it. I already have plans to get breakfast from my favorite weird little restaurant and then go to the botanical gardens (I do not care if everything remains dead, I need some vague hint of green and they have a bonsai tree room so I’ll be FINE), but what else should I do to make this the most relaxing weekend ever?
(Sadly, I will have to work on pitches/ongoing assignments as well, but as it’s nothing pressing it will not deter my relaxation. At least, it better not…)
If you like tea or coffee go up one level with either–like, a pot of something new or different with a nice meal or snack alongside. Can you hit a thrift store or yard sale or some similar place that might provide a pleasant diversion? A farmers market? (These all figure in to MY relaxing weekend plans, but I’d welcome the company)
Hot water, either for soaking your feet or soaking yourself or soaking your insides (by drinking, I mean).
I cannot think of any weird food/combinations that I love offhand, but I do eat potato chips with chopsticks, which I have been told is strange. It is not. It is practical – that way your fingers don’t get all full of cheesy goo and you can read/play board/card games/knit at the same time.
Strange, but also genius! I may try this.
Do eeeeeeeet. And remember – this is a learned skill. It took me months to learn, but i can eat almost anything with chopsticks now, even corn nuts 🙂
I usually knit for the express purpose of keeping my hands from eating potato chips, but I guess those days are over now!
Sorry! It does still slow you down, since you have to pick up and put down your knitting for every chip 😉
Let’s be honest, nothing will ever really keep me from my potato chips, but at least now I won’t be getting my knitting all cheesy
I see that we are the same person, in this respect at least 😉
Yes! Chopsticks are wonderful. I’ll also use them for spinach salads because forks are terrible for stabbing leaves.
Yas! Chopsticks for salads is totally one of my favourite things! Also weirdly useful for pasta.
I don’t remember who first got me started doing this but it changed my life. Chopsticks are the ONLY civilized way to eat cheetos, sour cream&onion chips, etc.
Everything is just better when eaten with chopsticks. It’s magic, probably.
This is how I ate microwave popcorn in college to save my keyboard. RECOMMENDED.
Are you Oscar Isaac?
I prefer my cereal without milk, which other people think is super weird.
Also, I have never figured out how to use chopsticks successfully. Most things I’m not good at I can shrug and remind myself there are other things I am good at, but this one embarrasses me anytime it comes up.
that sounds great, but I would definitely try to knit a little with my chopsticks by accident.
MY BOOK IS OUT! It’s poems about witches, robots, fungi, getting/being old, being/failing to be brave.
You can get it here: http://horselesspress.org/2016/03/21/new-titles-b…
You can see me holding it (and follow me to find out about readings and stuff) at the top of my twitter feed: https://twitter.com/kateschapira
It’s SO beautiful. My friend S. Hollis Mickey did the cover embroidery. I am very excited and very proud!
I’ll be reading from it in Philadelphia in May, in Boston and in Toronto in June, for sure, and I’m working on getting other dates right now.
brava! it’s gorgeous. <3
Coincidentally I just followed you on Twitter before seeing this post! Also, I love your book’s title!
Congratulations! If you’re looking for places to read my local independent book store loooves poetry! And obviously I would love to have a toast author come to town! http://www.literatibookstore.com/event-requests
Agh, I just saw this and it’s great to know about! Thanks for thinking of it. I don’t fly much but this bookstore looks so great–I’ll look into it!
Meal planning! I’m shopping tomorrow (ugh), and we are planning to revisit a few favorites next week, which I’m pretty psyched about. We also decided we need to plan to have some kind of separate lunch option, especially since I’ve been doing so many stir fries lately, which don’t seem to result in as much left over as I would like. Do you guys plan a separate lunch for the week? I think we’re going to make up a bunch of burritos and stash them in the fridge for easy lunch grabbing.
Here’s my meal plan for the week:
Lunches: black bean and rice burritos, add ground turkey for me
Sweet potato enchiladas
Vadi with yogurt sauce, steamed spinach
Deep dish pizza
Sichuan boiled fish using tofu instead of fish, bok choy, rice
Yellow split pea dal with yogurt and spinach, rice
Lo mein with veggies and yuba
Black bean and masa patties, spicy sweet potatoes, maybe bread or a salad?
So my grocery list is mainly dairy and veggies, since we stocked up so much on rice and beans, and I make my own tofu:
Produce:
Cilantro $2 (might get at Indian grocery, where it’s much cheaper)
Zucchini $2
2 Carrots $1.50
Bok Choy 1lb $2
Sweet potatoes (2) $3.50
Shiitake mushrooms, small handful $2
Ginger $3
Meat:
Turkey thighs $4 (plan to grind myself in the good ol food pro!)
Dairy case:
Mozzarella $3.50
Eggs 3 doz $3.59
Cream cheese $3
Pepperoni $3
Cottage cheese (may decide not to get) $2
Tortillas $2
Plain yogurt, giant size $2.19
Pantry:
Hot sauce (2 kinds) $7 (ugh!)
Cooking spray $2
Canola oil for frying $3
Small can diced tomatoes (may not need) $0.79
Red wine vinegar $1.19
Freezer:
Frozen udon noodles $3
Frozen spinach $0.99
So, not too bad, should be right around $50 and has a ton more fresh veggies than we have been getting since we are already so stocked up on beans and rice! My plan is paying off, which makes me feel very thrifty and happy.
It never occured to me to make a shuizhu tofu! We have a block of extra firm tofu in the fridge that I was going to make spicy dubujorim with, but I also recently acquired a kilo of Pixian doubanjang that I’ve been wanting to use more. I think you just gave me Sunday’s dinner – now to just decide what veg to slap in there. I normally hate celery, but it’s awfully good in shui zhu…
I was just going to toss some bok choy in there because celery is the grossest. I am jealous of your kilo of dobanjiang!
The nice bit with the Pixian stuff vs. Lee Kum Kee is that it seems to go much further. It’s spicier/saltier/generally more intense, though you do have to mince it up before use. I found a nearly whole chile when squishing it out of the bag and into a reusable container.
Btw, I love reading your meal plans. We have very similar palates so you give me some great ideas for things to make.
Ps — I’ve found that most recipes that call for basic white fish fillets work great with tofu. Yotam Ottolenghi has a couple of great fish recipes in Jerusalem, and they have worked great with tofu!
I make a giant pot of stuff every Sunday for the week’s dinner, and make lunch for myself as well. Mr. Knowsey makes himself sandwiches for lunch so that helps with the cookload. For a while I was making us both lunch and it made Sundays fairly oppressive. I tend to do a soup or stew (something long-simmering) for dinner and then something that comes together pretty quickly for my lunch. Luckily I can handle eating the same thing for 5-6 days in a row because I sure as hell can’t handle cooking that often.
I swear, you’re me. This is literally my life in a nutshell in terms of cooking.
Cover letters are so difficult! I think I’ve read every example on AAM and just can’t seem to get a tone that doesn’t feel stiff and clinical. I blame my mom for telling me “no one wants to listen to you talk about yourself, it’s not how you make friends” my entire life (and that is a quote I still hear!) but really I think it’s just my fear of rejection causing me to get all up in my head. I’m enthusiastic about all jobs I’m applying for want to channel that enthusiasm without sounding… weird.
Don’t listen to that voice!
For cover letters, I like templates that layout paragraph 1 is this, paragraph 2 is that and then follow that template and you’re done. Well, then you’re ready to edit. At least that way you can temper your feeling weird with feeling like you’re just following directions.
This is the hardest – it’s so hard to find that tone between bland/too modest and smug/sycophantic. I can write them, but I’ll never let anyone I know proofread one for me.
If it makes you feel better, the fact that you’re clearly putting thought and care into it means you may be more ahead of some other applicants than you think. I’ve been screening applications for a position this week and one person spelled their own name wrong. In enormous font, in the heading.
In my experience–which is a mixed bag–I just go with being less formal. I mean, I’m not putting “yo” in my cover letters or anything, but I do opt for informal language when it’s too torturous to go for something stiff.
HOWEVER, I have a series of “Runbug Behaving Badly in Job Interviews” anecdotes. Sometimes it works. Sometimes I don’t get the gig. Like the one time I said, “I like this job because it’s something low-key and I’m getting married later this year, so I need that.” That *horrified* my husband, and I’m retroactively embarrassed by it. But I got the job. So…
Because my spouse’s career has us moving every 3 years or so, I am almost constantly job hunting. I got so tired of writing cover letters. I started storing the best paragraphs I wrote in a master document. Now I open that doc, Ctrl-F my key words, copy, paste to latest cover letter. I still do some original composition, but not nearly as much.
Cover letters are the WORST, it is not just you! I have no advice, just commiseration. Sorry 🙁
Can I suggest you use your enthusiasm? People like enthusiasm, and they like sincerity, and they like it when you aren’t cookie-cutter. Why not write the letter the way you’d tell a friend why you want the position and why you think you’d be good at it? Just start with that, and once that’s down you can edit to make it appropriate for a business letter to someone you don’t actually know. But if you feel enthusiastic about the jobs, that’s a great vibe to get into a cover letter and you should absolutely use it to your advantage.
Because it feels so unprofessional! So, a few months ago I applied for a job at a university in Syracuse that had a collection of Aleister Crowley’s papers and I wrote an entire page just talking about my enthusiasm and interest in Crowley’s work specifically and how much I just wanted to work in the presence of those papers. And when I reread it, it was hard not to look down on myself for “fangirling” and I was terrified it made me look like I was only interested in the contents of the collections and not in doing the actual work, even though I did talk about that. Maybe I’m wrong though, maybe they would have really enjoyed reading a grand thesis about the contributions of Crowley, or whatever, but knowing I’m competing with people who have more experience on the back-end technical side of things makes me think it wouldn’t get me very far…
But again, way up in my own head, probably shouldn’t be.
Would you like to email me your cover letter? I write professionally for a living and I just went through a round of cover letters myself, and I got a lot of compliments on them in my interviews, so I’m reasonably confident I can help you find the right tone.
If you’d like, you can email me at linette dot delatour at gmail. I’d be happy to help you out. At the very least I can reassure you that you’re not fangirling!
From the hiring perspective*, I love reading cover letters! Resumes are so paint-by-numbers, that cover letters are how I get a glimpse into someone’s personality, interests, and passion for the job. It does help when cover letters are somewhat structured, though: 1) I’m excited to apply for this job, 2) I’ve had x, y, and z experiences/projects/accomplishments that make me a great candidate for this job, 3) I’d love to learn more about this job and look forward to speaking with you.
*Haha I’ve hired like 5 student workers and a couple coworkers, but I really do love reading cover letters.
They are super hard! I think sticking to the formula is great. I don’t think people read them *that* closely, to be honest, and that it’s mostly skimmed for the necessary information. Totally industry dependent, but most people aren’t looking to reinvent the wheel. The best cover letter advice I ever got was, “The resume is for what you’ve done, the coverletter is for context” so drawing the narrative about how your previous work experience has honed your skills for whatever the new job requires is a pretty good way for me to delve in. And use whatever buzzwords they put in the job posting.
Supportive Toast hugs. I also hate writing cover letters. The only thing that helps me is to imagine myself telling my best friend about how there’s a job that I’m PERFECT for. I write down how that explanation would go, then go through and make it a little more formal and add some examples. I find it easier to go from chatty to appropriate than from super stiff formal to appropriate.
I have the same problem: it feels so much like bragging and awful rude self-promotion and I hate it. But the best advice anyone ever gave me is to write as if you’re writing about your kickass best friend, instead of yourself. Because wouldn’t you talk up your best friend amazingly, and be completely convincing that s/he is perfect for the job? It’s sad how well this works for me, how willing I am to promote other people but not myself, but that’s how I was raised. So just trick yourself into a sort of third-person mentality: if you think about yourself as someone (else, exterior to you) that you care for, someone you’d do anything to help, it is a lot easier.
Music Thread because I’m so jazzed for the Fargo Season 2 soundtrack… more excited for a soundtrack than I’ve ever been
I’ve really been digging this song. I like to imagine it playing while I sit in an Old West saloon wearing faded jeans and a flannel with rolled-up sleeves, making bedroom eyes over the top of my whiskey glass at a pretty person across the room.
I just discovered this Canadian boy band. If anyone else is into shitty pop music as much as I am, I highly recommend them. They don’t really do anything original, but they do it really well.
I don’t have any new pictures of Charlie P. Hashbrowns this week, but I’m not sure I’ve shared this one before:
This is when he was just a TATER TOT. I can’t believe how much bigger he’s gotten! I can still carry him mostly one armed but I can’t just scoop him like I used to. And he’s so much FLUFFIER my god. Age definitely brings floof.
Tater tot.
TATER TOT.
Even more tater tot-y!
A CHARMING TATER
I just made a sound I can only describe as audible throat chirp. TUBER DOO!
Baby Hashbrowns in a cute sweater!
Yeah, he fit that for about FIVE MINUTES when we first got him, but it sure was adorable.
I, too, am fluffier with age.
Adorable little tater.
Me too.
His little taterness! I am so glad he (and you!) have returned to us.
I was always here…. in your hearts… or something?
I have not seen this before. Thank you. I am so very fond of Charlie Potato Hashbrowns. I want a dog myself so much and really can’t do right now. Good wishes!
I am happy to provide dog by proxy! You may vicariously live your doggiest life through me. For instance, I just spent twenty minutes cleaning the kitchen floor because of him!
And before that I spent half an hour trying to get him to learn “down” which he is really not getting the hang of but HE’LL GET THERE I HAVE FAITH he knows “sit” and “jump” really well.
Okay, “jump” is more taking advantage of his natural talents which include back legs like a jack rabbit’s apparently but I figure I’ll take a victory where I can. He is a constant delight to my heart, in any case, even when I’m complaining.
Of course, Mr Potato will get there. Consistency, kindness, consistency. Boundaries. Time. That’s the way you do it. Plus, thank heaven or whatever, it was the kitchen floor and not a carpet. Thanks.
We have achieved down! Please pardon his springtime muddy sheep look.
Again. Thanks for this – as we say down here in southern Louisiana with our fractured speaking ways – tres mignon pup.
What a good boy!
I love how his differently coloured furs run into each other, like somebody painted a dog with very clean lines, then added water to let the inks run. It’s an excellent look for a potato.
What is it with down? Our pup Waffles resisted learning that one too and then when he finally go it, he promptly “forgot” it. Our trainer lady told us to “jackpot” him when he does it right (give him a bunch of treats, not just one). Good luck!
We’re currently working on learning not to jump up and steal the steak that’s sitting on the kitchen counter waiting to be cooked. 🙁
Dog training feels like putting toothpaste back in the tube sometimes. As we like to say in our house: “it’s a good thing he’s so cute!”
GOOD TATER!
Your talent for naming dogs is unparallelllllllllledddddddd
the thing I love most about his name is all the options it gives me for nicknames! not that I wouldn’t have a thousand anyway, but I can call him mr. charles or chuckles or p taters or corporal hashbrowns or mr. brown or… well, you get the idea.
Any diet/nutritionist/doctor who recommends cutting out starch has obviously never experienced the health benefits of gazing upon this enchanting tuber.
he’s even more delicious than the regular kind!
and better for you, no doubt!
Stupid question but how do you post photos in a comment? I want to share photos of my pup Waffles because I feel certain he and Charlie P. Hashbrowns would be friends.
the code is < img src=http://yourpictureurlhere > with the spaces at the beginning and end removed!!! I definitely want to see Waffles.
Gee I hope this works, here he is in his Halloween costume:
Waffles and Hash Browns: two great tastes that taste great together
OMG Waffles! He looks like he’s being a very good sport for Halloween.
TATER TOT OMG
I went through my kitchen this week and discovered I have way too many lentils for a person who hasn’t cooked any in at least two months. What are your favorite lentil-using recipes?
What kind of lentils?
An exciting variety! Lots of green lentils but some orange ones as well.
Green lentils I like to make into a salad (is also good tossed with rice) with vinaigrette. This is a pretty decent approxomation of what I do: http://www.eatyrgreens.com/french-picnic-lentil-s…. Pro-tips from my french grandmother include: add a little sugar and red wine vinegar to the broth towards the end of the cooking process. And my grandmother just cuts the onion and garlic in half and extracts it before serving. She also stabs a clove or two into the onion.
Red lentils are great for soup or stew. This is a decent apporximation of what i do: http://calgaryherald.com/life/food/recipes/morocc…. Really, it is the spices that are important here; use whatever veggies you have lying around. If you want stew instead of soup, add less broth.
Have fun ^_^
Actually super satisfying: http://www.slate.com/blogs/browbeat/2015/04/15/mo…
That looks delicious!
it is! not even a bit bland. My mom made a lentil recipe she was unsatisfied with so I told her to add a little more garlic, dump in some sherry, and add cheese, and she was pleased with the outcome.
Are they regular old brown lentils, or perhaps red or green? (I am a person with MANY LENTIL RECIPES)
Excellent. I have a lot of regular brown lentils, and smaller amounts of green and orange ones.
Mulligatawny soup is my favorite red lentil use. You may or may not have the required spices lying around. There are a LOT of recipes for it online; I like this one (because I am vegan): http://wellvegan.com/recipes/mulligatawny-soup It’s especially nice if you are kind of sick of looking at lentils, because this is a pureed soup!
For brown lentils, I like a classic hippie stew thing, but if you want to make something a little different, you can make a lentil shepherd’s pie! This one is similar to my recipe: http://www.vegkitchen.com/recipes/lentil-and-mush… BUT you can also use sweet potato or cauliflower for the mash!
Brown lentils also make a decent burger patty, but I am way too lazy to make those for myself. But if you want to make some and bring them over, BY ALL MEANS.
What kind of lentils? Regular brown ones?
Mostly brown, some green and orange.
Ok let’s do this thing. I’m not such a fan of green lentils because they tend to be a lot pricier where I live, but I have Ideas for the others!
Brown lentils:
Mujadarrah, as someone else suggested
Lentil sloppy joes (cook the lentils and then simmer with a mix of ketchup, Dijon mustard, some balsamic, and some oregano and stuff until it tastes right; there’s recipes out there too!)
Taco, enchilada, or quesadilla filling
Spaghetti sauce with lentils (like a veggie bolognese almost!)
If you eat meat, adding to meatballs, meat loaf, chili/chili mac, etc. is delicious and a good way to up your fiber intake
Red lentils:
Since they cook down into a puree, they are great for soups. You can spice it up any way you want, but I usually include about a cup of red lentils, sautee an onion, garlic, and some veggies (red peppers, carrots, sweet potatoes are all good), then add spices and liquid. I find tomato really helps the savory flavor of the lentils to shine. Coconut milk and Thai curry paste are a good option, as are Indian spices. Last night I sauteed the living HECK out of some red peppers and onions and did a basic sort of soup with some crusty bread — some orange juice or something would have made it even better but I didn’t have any.
I also love making Indian dals with red lentils. I love the cookbook “660 Curries,” and basically just swap out red lentils for any of the legume recipes. It may not be authentic but I love red lentils so who cares! Here’s an easy one:
Simmer together:
1 cup red lentils, rinsed
3 cups water
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp turmeric
1/8 to 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper, to taste
Cook until the lentils are cooked down into a puree, about 20 minutes.
Then, heat
2 tbsp oil or butter
and add
2 tbsp cumin seeds
Sizzle them until they turn darker and are super fragrant, then dump into the lentils. Done!
Mujadarrah! Which is basically equal parts lentils, rice, and (this is the important part) caramelized onions. So easy and cheap and delicious.
Ottolenghi’s mejadra recipe is my very favourite lentil delivery mechanism, and while you might be like me and get sick of doing the onions, by the time you eat it the gorgeous taste will make you forget that it took any effort at all.
I like mixing my cuisines around so I eat it with sabzi khordan. http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/oct/…
My all time lentil soup recipe, courtesy of the Autostraddle comments section. The chorizo really is essential and worth it.
“Ingredients: 8 plum tomatoes, tomato puree, 1 red pepper, a couple of inches of chorizo, 1 large red onion, 3 cloves garlic, 3 cups red lentils, 2 vegetable stock cubes/ 75cl homemade stock (if you’re fancy like that), seasoning (I used salt, sugar, black pepper, paprika, cayenne pepper and fresh basil and parsley).
Time: about 2 hours (so not something you want to quickly prepare after a night out.)
-Peel and then very finely chop your tomatoes, pepper, and chorizo.
-Dice a red onion and a couple of cloves of garlic, sweat them off on a medium heat with a large pot with 2tbsp oil/ a knob of butter until the onion’s lost its colour, while you make 75cl vegetable stock (I use Oxo cubes?).
-In another pot, add an equal amount of water to your lentils plus 1 cup more for good luck/ to compensate for the water that boils off.
-Add the tomatoes, red pepper and a small amount of stock to the onions and garlic. Replace lid to allow them to soften in the heat.
-Once the lentils have lost most of their colour and feel soft, drain them and add them to the vegetables. Add 1/4 of your stock, your chorizo, and liberal amounts of tomato puree (I ended up using nearly the whole tube, whoops). Stir and leave uncovered to begin to reduce.
-Pour a glass of something cold and alcoholic because by now your kitchen will be doubling as a sauna. Drink.
(-If you have a food processor or blender, throw the lot in, blend until the consistency’s relatively smooth/ however you’d like it, add seasoning to taste and serve. If like me you don’t, however:)
-Keep checking on your pot and adding small amounts of stock every 20 minutes or so, stirring to keep the bottom of the pan from burning. Add seasoning to taste, but don’t be too trigger-happy with your pepper or paprika as the flavour of the chorizo takes a while to come through properly.
-Check your email or read a book in between stirring because oh my God this thing takes a long time to reduce.
-Eventually, after about ninety minutes, the soup should be mid-orange with a consistency of “slightly chunky without having to be eaten rather than drunk”. (‘Not quite cream of tomato, not quite leek and potato’ was how my girlfriend put it.) Check the taste and season it some more if you prefer. If you’re serving it to children or people who have trouble swallowing, strain/ food process to remove the chunks of chorizo and vegetable skins.
-Serve, show off, pour yourself another drink for your patience.”
I am really into both Nicholas Day’s simple, homey, coconut-y red lentil dal and Nicholas Day’s humorous writing. His are basically the only recipe blog intros I will read.
“We bought a slow cooker the way most people buy slow cookers: late at night, half on impulse, after trying search queries like LIFE EASIER LESS COMPLICATED HOW. The keywords that lead people to slow cookers are the saddest keywords in the world.”
This recipe for raqaq u addas is delicious: http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/may/… I also love Rose Elliot’s easy cheesy lentils recipe: chop half an onion and cook in olive oil for about ten minutes, then add one chopped/crushed clove of garlic, 700ml water and 225g red lentils (this is for four people; I frequently reduce the amounts and make it just for me), bring to the boil, then turn down the heat and simmer with the lid on for 15-20 minutes, until the lentils are soft and pale. Stir in grated cheddar and salt and pepper and eat. It is delicious and easy.
Here’s my fave lentil recipe of all time:
Braised leeks + muscovado lentils
I would never have thought to add sugar to my lentils before, but it works. I just use brown sugar because I never have fancy sugars on hand. The leeks are pretty great, but I’ve served this over all manner of braised or sauteed vegetables and it always works.
Also, I don’t have a good recipe on hand, but mesir wat is one of my favorite Ethiopian dishes and a great way to use up red lentils.
I actually just made some lentil soup! Here’s the recipe:
1) Chop up an onion and sautee it in a large soup pot with some oil.
2) Add two chopped carrots and one cubed potato (or some mushrooms, but I didn’t have those so I did the potato instead).
3) Add a pound of lentils (one whole package).
4) Cover the whole mess with water. There should be about 1.5″ of water over the top of the ingredients.
5) Bring to a boil and cook for about half an hour, stirring occasionally, or until the ingredients are soft.
6) Add 2 Tb (at least) of curry powder, a can of coconut milk, and salt and pepper to taste.
6a) OPTIONAL: Fry up some chorizo separately and add it to the soup.
7) Stir it all up and enjoy!
sprout em up! certain ones, like mung beans, change their dietary makeup so much with sprouting, they go from carb-heavy to more of a leafy carb-light without losing protein.
This is practically my standby at this point. It’s on the back of the bag for Trader Joe’s green lentils and it’s so easy and amazing. I add feta and bacon to it most often, but you can do anything. http://www.littlemomentsofhappiness.com/2014/01/1…
This: http://food52.com/recipes/27751-peter-miller-s-le…
On salad. By itself. On fish. On ANYTHING. It is soososososososososososo gooooooooddddd.
Made a salad last night: cooked cooled lentils, arugula, avocado, dressing with shallot, lemon, Dijon, olive o, s&p. Very simple! And very good, maybe add hard boiled egg or something sweet like grapes?
This is not so much a recipe as a list of ingredients, so bear with me.
Lentils, cooked in mostly water and some stock with a bay leaf and then stewed for a bit with dried cherries.
Some sort of basic sausage, we used a garlic sausage that was ground pork, salt, pepper, and pinot noir. Very tasty.
Saute or grill the sausage and put it on op either whole or chopped up.
Eat.
My work computer blocks LJ, but: google “non-penitential lentil soup” and the first result (a post on the vegancooking community) is my recipe. It’s spicy and has tomatoes and kale and paprika.
Do feel free to leave out the bay leaf though; I find it tastier without.
TODAY IS MY LAST DAY OF WORK BEFORE VACATION
I’m taking the week and going to the World Figure Skating Championships in Boston. This is a moment 25 years in the making. I am so excited. I cannot concentrate on anything. I JUST LOVE SKATING SO MUCH I will be at EVERY event and I’m just as excited to cheer on the skaters from tiny federations who will be lucky to break the top 30 as I am the reigning Olympic champions.
What’s a once-in-a-lifetime thing that you’ve done?
I spent a week in the Cappadocia valley wandering around rocks that looks like “mushrooms” (the guidebook insists that only the dirty minded see anything more obscene, but come on, it is called the Love Valley: http://blog.reallyrightstuff.com/pow-bentaylor/). We got to go up in one of those hot air baloons (4:30 am, you are my nemesis), see Dervishes whirl at an ancient caravanserai, and i slept in a cave. It was one of the most amazing things I have ever done.
I went to the 2002 Winter Olympics!
This is over ten years ago now, but Spouse and I went to the British Open (sorry, Open Championship) at St. Andrews in 2005 when Tiger Woods was at the peak of his powers. Better yet, we got to stay at the Old Course Hotel during the tournament. Spouse made a reservation months in advance, when (unknown to us) the hotel should have had all the rooms unavailable to anyone except the golfers but evidently there was a glitch and we got a room. When the manager called us two months before travel and said, “so sorry, we screwed up, you’re not allowed to stay here”, Spouse got our credit-card rep to fight the good fight and the hotel honored our reservation. We had breakfast every day in the restaurant with all the famous guys (Nick Faldo! Ian Poulter! Colin Montgomerie!) and saw them all in the pub in the evening too. And Tiger won big and it was Arnold Palmer’s last Open and it was just a great, great time for sportsfans.
Seeing Hamilton last week:
Still not over it.
I went to the FIFA Women’s World Cup final in Vancouver last year. It was phenomenal.
Also, I called in sick to work on the day of the US v Germany semifinal, flew to Montreal that afternoon, went to the game, flew back very early the next morning and went straight from the airport to work. My job never found out.
Have a great time! Skating is awesome.
My parents are able to afford to take my family on a terrific trip to Spain in May, and we just found out we got off the waiting list and are going to have dinner at El Cellar de Can Roca, and I cannot even deal. I will post a full recap after!
Why do I keep incorrectly spelling words I know how to spell? Im a good speller! I know the difference between affect and effect and their, there, they’re so why do I keep writing the wrong one?
Has this happened to other Toasties?
I so often confuse words which sound the same – like I would use “write” when I mean “right” and other fun words. English is also not my native language – and in that we pronounce exactly like we write – but oh boy, have I been mad at myself for talking about knights instead of nights.
I frequently mistype words that aren’t even homophones, like “the” as “this”. My only guess is that it’s related to muscle memory?
This happens to me so much.
Yep. I agree. I don’t know how many times I’ve typed shugar and the like. It’s just I type faster than I think the words sometimes and my fingers go faster than my brain.
Absolutely. I have a friend whose name ends in “in”, and almost every time I type “ing” and then have to go back and erase, just because my fingers are so ready to put that g in there.
I’ve become noticeably worse at spelling in the last few years. I think I’m just more distracted.
Mistyping words as their homophones is SUPER common, don’t worry.
This happens to literally everyone. I write professionally and proofread everything I send to clients twice because you wouldn’t imagine how many times I’ve caught the wrong there/their/there or something similar. It’s not just you.
I feel like my ability to type/write words correctly has gotten worse since I got my first smartphone several years ago.
my front door is having a baby! based on the colors of the caterpillar who spent a couple days here getting itself attached, i think it’s a mourning cloak butterfly, and it’s due in a week. we are opening & closing the door very gently while we wait…
ETA: oh a weird food? i like most things so i’m not sure what’s weird, but something people seem to be split on is smoked canned oysters. i grew up eating them and i love them, and have a handful of friends who love them, but also a fair amount of people who can’t fathom the things.
I hope you can get a pic of it…hatching? Er. I don’t know the right word. But if you get a pic, please post it!
i work from home at the end of the week, so i’m going to post up in front of the door and watch it, and hopefully get good pics & video.
They can oysters? I live by the coast so I guess it’s never even occurred to me.
i have only lived near the coast too, but my dad always bought them. smoked and canned, they are awesome on a cracker with shaved parmesan. we take them camping and make this hors d’oeuvre to feel fancy.
Oooh, I like smoked oysters too! But I generally do like canned things. Canned unagi is great
i’ve been going through all the smoked canned fish that i never tried before, and i think i like all of it, though some sardines are still not smoked enough for me. despite getting canned smoked oysters, we never ate sardines growing up, and they’ve been a little hard to get used to, but i have 2 brands i like so far.
i gotta try unagi. i’m also a fan of canned polpo. any style, smoked, spanish, whatever.
Smoked canned oysters sounds right up my alley. How I wish they sold them here!
Congratulations to your front door!
A new restaurant is about to open near me and their sign reads “NANJING WATER BOILED DUCK”, then in smaller words beneath it “Chinese Traditional Food For Take-Out”. I’m assuming it’s mistranslation and squirm with embarrassement on their behalf every time I see it. They mean Nanjing salted duck, right? Well, I’ll have to go there when it opens, even though my stomach and I don’t have the best history with Chinese food.
Get in there, read the menu, and try something if it seems to look tasty to you. Talk to the people working there if they are not too busy. Never hurts to take a look, right?
For some reason I read that as NINJA WATER BOILED DUCK. What the hell, brain?
It makes you squirm? I take such joy in mistranslations!!!
It makes me feel bad for THEM, I mean.
Toasties what would you do about passive-aggressive online activity directed your way from someone you are no longer friends with? And would you also be quite nervous if that said passive-aggressive stalking is coming from someone others agree to be slightly sociopathic?
Answers in order: 1) I don’t know, 2) YES!
get all channels to stop delivering any notice of it to you. if the person has sociopathic tendencies, you know addressing it probably won’t have the effect you want, so there’s no real point in knowing about what this person is saying. plus, best punishment for someone looking for effect through passive-aggressive means is no satisfying reaction from you.
That was my method for the past few months: just ignoring it. Now it has escalated, passive-aggressive comments everywhere and for everyone to see! I want to delete him from my friendlist, but I also know he thrives in those kinds situations and will probably escalate it even more.
I think you need to be prepared for an escalation but also that you need to cut off any routes to you that this person has. Don’t worry about whether you’re feeding his weird ego … thing … or whatever, what is the most important is taking care of yourself.
and you’re sure these comments are meant for you? is it obvious to you and others who know both of you? are the comments threatening or just negative? how much access does this person have to you?
He is blocked on facebook but still is on my friends list (at the time I guess I thought I could get away with not deleting him). This behaviour is weekly now; on photos of the two of us, and posts on either one our walls from the past. I’m guessing he is seeing facebook reminders of our “friendship” and makes it easier for him to push for any type of reaction. They are definitely meant for me.
I’m worried about deleting him on facebook because I have an online business and I don’t want this activity to spread to that.
understandable. hmm. well, there is maybe opening a harmless and easily-exitable dialog about it. like “hey jim, i noticed your comments recently, is everything ok?” and see what he says, but going into that with the attitude that you take no bait and don’t be set up to apologize needlessly for just being you.
when i was on Facebook, i had no problem dropping people, but i didn’t have scary people who might compromise my life online either. and then, i also quit fb because even changing my name and having very few friends was still just not my thing anymore. so i’m not the greatest advice-giver here.
Oh a conversation is out of the question. It took me two years and moving to another continent to end our relationship. Anytime I suggested that our friendship was dysfunctional there were suicide threats, forcing mutual friends to pressure me, and a bunch of other manipulative bullshit that still gives me so much anxiety about.
But I think you are all right, I have to delete him and hope that he doesn’t email me, call my parents, harass my friends (things he has done in the past). Hopefully he won’t mess with my business.
okay, that says it all! if he’s a whole continent away, and you moved to get away, either delete him, or start a new fb under a pseudonym and add a smaller selection of people you want, and lock it down, and delete the old account. get this fool out of your mentions!
Respectfully, hasn’t it already spread to your online business? The comments are showing up on your pictures, etc. You can always post a very brief and inoffensive message on your own wall explaining that someone is sending destructive messages around about you, and while you’re not sure why that’s happening, you’ve done what you can to remove yourself from the situation and hope they’ll come to you first if they see anything worrisome.
I’ve set up the business after I stopped talking to him, and as pathetic as it sounds, I set it up in a way that it wouldn’t be too easy for a third party discover it’s my business- because I was scared HE would find it one day and would do something nasty about it.
He always had a way of making me feel terrible when he wanted to, and I guess he still continues to do so because I’m thousands of miles away and I’m still paranoid and having anxiety.
Oh, well then! I think you should absolutely just un-friend him. He’s unlikely to find your business or affect it, and you don’t have to say anything at all. Just get as far away from this toxic asshat as you possibly can.
I know it’s not that simple, because I get the anxiety thing, but I really do think it will be best for you in the long run, even if it is scary up front. Get this guy out of your life, he is hurting you.
Agree with heather parlato.
Oh PLEASE cut off all the channels. He will escalate if you are watching and he will escalate if you don’t – he wants a reaction – so the best thing you can do is remove *yourself* from the situation. You can’t respond to him, because that escalates, and you can’t do nothing, because that just makes him upset he can’t get a response out of you, so just leave. He’ll react, of course, but briefly, and you won’t have to know about it.
And stay SAFE. If you are in any physical proximity to this person please, please, please get protection of some kind for a few weeks until you feel safe. Borrow a dog, get a friend to hang with you, whatever makes you feel safe.
Thanks for all your advice everyone! It’s 2 am here and I’m done for the day. Have a great thread and a good weekend!
Hi friends! Long time no Open Thread post, hope you’re all well.
I mentioned it briefly in another post this week, but a word of warning: please don’t ever speed in the state of Virginia. Going over 80 is an instant reckless driving charge that is considered a misdemeanor (on par with animal abuse and assault and battery). I have a mandatory court date and have had to hire legal assistance. I face potential jail time.
Friends, please, please, DO NOT SPEED IN VIRGINIA. Learn from my mistakes!!!!
Good god, someone was telling me not too long ago about how their friend spent a few days in jail over a VA speeding ticket, and I was like “pfft yeah right, they probably got a DUI and don’t want to admit it.” But it was real?!
Unfortunately, very, very true. Here’s an old Jalopnik article where the author was sentenced to three days in jail for excessive speed. They do not fuck around.
Oh my god, I’m so sorry. Hang in there, and I hope your lawyer gets you out of it!
Oh god, I hope everything turns out ok!
My brother rented a car in Switzerland once and months later got 2 tickets in the mail, one for going 2 km over the speed limit, and one for 3 km. So like, a mile over. They were both for about 200 swiss francs which is a lot of $$$$. He ignored them, but he’s pretty sure he can’t go back to Switzerland ever again. DON’T SPEED IN SWITZERLAND FRIENDS.
Swiss people are big on following the rules, in my experience. That’s pretty serious, though! In urban China they have cameras that will send you a ticket if you change lanes too often, which is also crazy.
Oh no, Elyse! I’m so sorry. I hope everything works out ok, and take care.
Holy shit that’s awful. Good luck on a speedy resolution.
I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE 😀
DID NOT EVEN MEAN TO D:
We live in Virginia, and my younger brother just had the exact same thing happen to him recently. He got hit with a reckless driving charge for going like 84/hour to pass a truck he was worried about getting stuck behind late one night on an unfamiliar highway. It ended up costing him about $700 in legal fees to get a lawyer to get them to drop the charges, but that was considerably less money than the fine could have been. Or the possible jail time. (I have so much trouble wrapping my head around the idea that that’s even a possibility.)
Anyway, his legal assistance got them to drop the charges on the grounds he take some kind of online safe driving course put out by the state or something. So maybe that might be a possibility for your case?
Either way, I agree that it’s 100% BULLSHIT and I can’t believe it happens to people. Listening to my super-responsible little brother tell me how he was in tears because he was afraid of going to jail for something so small was seriously uncool and I’m so sorry the same thing happened to you.
Yes, oh god, that is almost exactly what happened to me. I was going 86 in a 70 to pass a douche that was boxing me in for like 45 miles and there was a cop just chillin’ at the top of the hill waiting to nail me. I was talking to my dad and sobbing saying “I don’t want to go to jail!!”
The attorney I’ve been speaking with said that he has had success in the past bringing it down to a $125 fine, court fees, and a mandatory safe driving course, though this county apparently won’t let you take an online one and it must be attended to in person. I’m hoping that since I live 300 miles away in NJ that they’ll just let me take an online one here.
omg I’m so sorry. It is true. I lived in Charlottesville for a few years and had to drive to NC every single week for work travel, and got two tickets for speeding on Highway 29, where the speed limit constantly changes and varies from 60 to 25 mph… Points on my license and if I got another one, they would take it away! They do not mess around in VA.
OH SHIT. Good luck, bb. I’ve missed you and this is not the happy Hi I’m Back comment I would have hoped for. Definitely crossing my fingers for you.
Ugh that is terrible. What a way to use limited resources Virginia. Fines are effective!
Yup. (lifelong Va. resident here) It is bullshit. Best of luck to you, I really hope it works out!
My grandmother is the worst speed demon I know and she lives in Williamsburg. I am consistently shocked by the fact that she hasn’t been charged or done time for it yet.
That’s awful, I’m so sorry. I hope it all works out, hang in there!
Any rent-law expert Toasties around, or people with a lot of renting experience? I’m finally moving out of my deeply emotionally draining apartment. I signed a rental agreement on the new place March 13 for April 1st move-in; I gave 30 days notice on the 15th to the master tenant–I am effectively a subletter from her, no contact with the landlord at all–which a) gives me wiggle room on the weekend of the 1st to clean the room and b) gives her almost 2 weeks to show the room empty. Of course, she deemed this not enough and is pitching a fit. She can’t find the rental agreement I signed with her and neither can I, alas, but does anyone know if this situation is kosher? Or have similar experience in how to handle a person making a simple business transaction a personal passive-aggressive shitshow?
is she holding a deposit over your head that you won’t get back? is subletting legal where you live? lots of these laws are determined by state, and for places like Los Angeles [where i live], by city as well. we have something called “the landlord tenant handbook” that helps clarify situations like this for our local laws, maybe you can find something similar from your local department of housing.
but as a former longtime renter, 30 days is always standard, and prorating to the middle of the month is normal. and often, subletting is illegal, regardless of whether you had a written lease, so in those cases, the sublessor doesn’t really have rights over you, especially when you’re already working within accepted protocols…?
Ah I should have clarified. I’m in SF where master tenant/subletter arrangements are incredibly common (not sure about the legality but almost everyone I know is in one of these so if they’re illegal, no one is rushing to end them). I know I have a security deposit but I can’t remember anymore about the last month’s rent, which is part of my annoyance about her not having a copy of our agreement anymore. My online bank statements don’t go back that far though I am going to visit a bank branch on Saturday to try and see if I did give her last month.
oh, the law wouldn’t do anything to end them, it just means that no court is going to support her in any legal claim IF they are illegal. but regardless…
worst case scenario, you walk out on some money. it’s kind of ridiculous that she lost your agreement, if that responsibility rests with anyone, it’s her more than you in this situation. but every place i’ve ever lived is 30 days notice, and landlords are always given the advice that they need to plan for the downtime between tenants where they can’t collect rent while they paint the room or do whatever they need to do to get the room rentable. you’re not obligated to make her business decision easier on her when it puts you out for committing to other places that are on the 30 day track.
one idea, are there other housemates who have agreements with her that might indicate what amount of time she requested as notice to leave?
30 days notice is a generally accepted amount of time. Like Heather said, the subletting laws depend a lot on your locality (in my state it is always legal unless specifically prohibited) so I would definitely check those out. If neither of you ends up able to find the lease, it will probably be what takes over. However, if you’ve lived there longer than a year, a lot of leases automatically default to month-to-month, which would make 30 days completely acceptable.
Also, (and I’m not sure how this would apply to a master tenant but if you signed with her then it should) landlords have a duty to mitigate damages, which means that she has to be actively looking for someone to take over. I would troll Craigslist and make sure that she’s looking, and have a friendly neighbor ask if there have been people over to view the room. The burden of proof on that one is on you, not her.
I hope this helps! Being in a crappy living environment is the absolute worst. I’m glad you’ve got an end in sight!
I have nothing useful to contribute. Just want to congratulate you on finding a better home. I’m happy for you.
Thank you 🙂 I’m so ready to be out!
I had some terrible landlord issues while living in LA and there are a lot of information resources I found online. Is it possible to find a tenant advocacy group locally?
It does sound like research via your bank to discover how much money she has of yours would be worth while, given how she apparently has no solid information.
I currently live somewhere with a 60 day requirement of notice, so that might be one hitch should either of you discover the paperwork.
30 days is totally standard. Unless you’re stuck in a year lease or something, then that should be plenty and her fit is not your problem. Good luck living with her for the time you have left.
The San Francisco Rent Board lists what are acceptable deductions from the deposit if this ends up being an issue -http://sfrb.org/topic-no-102-security-deposits-general-information. Also perhaps check your e-mail or texts if you had discussions about what was owed before moving in.
I would recommend that you do a formal walk through with her with written documentation to show that you have left the room in a proper condition.I would recommend taking pictures to back this up.
If you end up having issues getting back the deposit I recommend that you first write her a formal letter that you send by mail and keep a copy of asking for your deposit back. Threshold, an Irish renters’ advocacy org has good sample letters. http://www.threshold.ie/advice/ending-a-tenancy/h…
If she does not respond to that i recommend a more formal letter that cites to the San Francisco Rent Board about your right to your deposit within 21 days of moving out and your intention to take her to small claims court if this does not happen.Often the threat of court scares people into good behavior.
Also her lack of a written agreement works in your favor as the burden will be on her to prove that you broke a written agreement.
Good luck but the hardest part (finding a new place and getting out) is over!
I conquered a raging case of the don’t-wannas yesterday and went for a really good swim, then walked into a patch of ice afterwards, went ass over teakettle, and this morning I hurt even more than if I’d just stayed home in the first place. All of which is a sad but accurate metaphor for this whole week.
However, I have acquired the Cobb Hill Isabella perforated suede booties in black and they are my new bootie life partner: stylish, comfortable, and versatile. What are your recent fashion finds, fellow Toasties?
Off topic for fashion but what motivates you to swim when you’re not in the mood? Sadly, I broke my lap swimming habit over the holidays and am trying to get myself back into it.
I feel you, getting back into the habit after a break is really hard. I have a set number of times per week I swim when all’s going well so I use that as a yardstick – if the week will be busy or miserable week, I might frontload them all into the early part of the week to get them over with. Alternately, I give myself permission to have a really short swim if I just get off my ass and go; more often than not, once I get there and start, I feel good enough to keep going. Good luck!
Thanks! The short swim is a great suggestion. I think getting there is most of the battle for me.
I got a pair of Cobb Hill Aubrey in wine-red and they are my favourite forever – so comfy! and so pretty!
I need to talk about being a career woman for a minute.
I am currently working for a start-up to bring down a regular paycheck and pay off my debt, the first salaried job I’ve had in a long time, and I find I like my job very much, and that there is starting to be space here for me to climb the ladder, and that is scaring the everloving shit out of me.
I know how to do a lot of things that make it easy for me to command some space in a room full of men with impressive titles. This is courtesy of my corporate-career mother; it doesn’t intimidate me and it never has, and that gives me a lot of space to simply do my job as well as I can without worrying about how I’m presenting myself or fretting about whether I’m fitting in with “the guys”. The sexism stuff looks kind of like this: not bad, but the usual uncertainty of where I stand.
My bosses are good people. They are all men, but they treat me with respect and they give my experience its proper due, and they defer to me in my area of expertise. And I think – I think? I’m being gently “tested” for a promotion. Like, a big promotion. It’s a start-up. I could just … be part of the leadership team if this is going where I think it is.
Here’s the deal: I’ve done a lot of impressive things in a row. I’ve gotten surprising results. I’ve volunteered to take on a huge job that had been shoved to the backburner for so long it was actively damaging nearly every department, and I’m knocking it out really fast, faster than they thought was possible. I’ve been teaching the sales team to write more effective emails on the fly, and the sales leader asked me if I would teach the whole team a class on written communications.
In the next 10 days, the following things are going to happen:
* I’ve been asked to review press for proper messaging, and in trusting me with that they’re also trusting me with secret information only three people in the company had. Now four.
* I’m teaching this class on effective written communication. I just found out one of the cofounders is voluntarily sitting in on that class to see if it’s something we can expand to the whole company.
* I’m attending an industry conference with the other cofounder (also the CEO). It’s just the two of us. It’s here in town, so it’s not an awkward traveling-together thing, but it’s JUST THE TWO OF US. I have absolutely no idea why I’ve been chosen to attend with him.
After those three things happen, it will be our monthly kickoff, and also my three month anniversary at the company.
I don’t even know what I’m feeling about all this. This is a lot, really fast, and I am getting a lot of little nudges from various members of the leadership team that if I knock those three things out of the park, I’m going to be seriously in the running to come become, I don’t know, VP of Communications or whatever title they decide on. I’ll be up there, is the point.
Up until now I hadn’t set foot in an office for 8 years. What. The Hell. Is happening.
Get! It!
ha ha i wish i knew! this is startup-land, where everything is different. might as well ride it out and enjoy it, see where it takes you. congratulations!
You are kicking ass, that’s what. Huzzah!
What is happening is that your awesome skills are being properly recognised. Run with it!
What is happening is that the glory of who you are is newly visible. It’s always been there. You have always been a rock star.
i think more specifically what is happening has a lot to do with you bringing your longtime freelance know-how to an office. when you run a business or work on your own, you get a lot more oriented toward action and a lot less in need of guidance. people who only have in-house jobs aren’t put in the same situation to the same degree, and when we go back into offices, we naturally come with opinions, confidence, and capabilities right out of the gate. our instinct, from years of selling ourselves and taking nothing for granted, is to put those things out there. so, a startup is kind of the perfect place for you, because a traditional corporate ladder wouldn’t have that much mobility.
another thing that tends to be common to startups is hiring more on attitude vs experience, because they take so much energy to run, and people with a great attitude can learn what they need to along the way. however, that’s how you end up with a sales team that needs a writing class. so, it’s great that you also come with more experience and expertise than they thought they were hiring, you can take this self-starter instinct and sail into the position you want.
so the question now becomes: is this the career track you want?
I think so? It’s not what I want permanently, I don’t think. But I like it right now, I like the busy, casual, messy nature of it, I like the scrambling, I like the catching things as they fall through the cracks. Will I still want to be here when it becomes a global corporation? Dunno. I think I’d get bored and frustrated by that point.
What I do want is to walk away from this position with a much more impressive title, lots of praise from the company, and a general ability to walk into the next thing I do with a higher amount of social proof. I don’t know if I’ll turn around and get this same position at another company for a higher salary – I’m a little allergic to corporate life – but I think whatever I do next, it will be useful to have those achievements on my resume. Certainly this is about as fast as I’m ever going to climb the ladder, and I want to get everything I can out of the fact that this is a good place to work with leadership that seems to be actively courting me for a position of greater authority.
Theoretically – and there are a lot of “ifs” between here and there – this company intends to go international and will need someone to head up their European office. I have general plans to become an expat, and I speak a few languages and am working on getting my fluency up to the point where I could make a serious bid to run the European branch. If they do in fact go global and if I do in fact get my skills to that point and if if if if if, I’d be really thrilled to have a built-in stepping stone to that move. And I think I’d be willing to deal with the compromises inherent to a corporate life to do it.
What’s happening = you’re good and talented and lucky enough to be in a company that sees it! Good for you. You deserve every bit of it.
Oh man, CONGRATULATIONS! You have DIYed it so successfully that now the usual roadblocks dissolve under your touch. Take time to figure out what you want to do with this cultivated superpower, but also take time to recognize that you *have* a superpower: The common sense and efficiency required to succeed on your own. Toasting you from Freelancelandia.
Short-time lurker delurking! I wanted to say how wonderful I find the Toastie community and how glad I am to have found this place. Hello to all!
*waves*
Hi there! Welcome aboard.
Hello! We are glad you came to join in!
Is anyone else dreading family time for Easter? My in-laws do not cope well with my fabulous enby queerness, what with being Republicans who genuinely think Christians are persecuted in the US, but my husband really wants me to make nice for a few hours.
Ugh. That sounds miserable. Good luck. Remember we are still out here, supporting you being you.
YUP. My family is pretty trump-ish. Excuse yourself to the bathroom and hang out here with the rest of us who are also hiding in bathrooms.
The bathroom even has nice hardwood floors to admire! I hope your refuge is similarly pleasant. <3
but my husband really wants me to make nice for a few hours
Mostly geek social fallacies, but I haven’t seen them in a month and we’ve negotiated a time limit so I am hoping it goes well. He hasn’t asked me to be around them aside from this and hopefully his sister’s wedding, so it’s… Tolerable.
Plus they do have a nice, recently remodeled bathroom to hide in, and I have their wifi password.
Ahhhhh negotiated time limits. You are a better person than I.
Enjoy the good food (assuming there’s good food. There is, right?) and avoid topics that are likely to lead to rage.
AN AUTHOR I REVIEWED FOUND MY BLOG AND COMMENTED ON IT
AND SHE LOVED IT
THEN SHE FOUND ME ON TWITTER AND SHE WAS INCREDIBLY NICE TO MY OBNOXIOUS FANGIRL SCREAMING
Seriously I had a horrible traveling-for-work couple of days that included SNOW and TRAFFIC and FREEZING RAIN and now my parents are visiting for Easter but I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE FAMOUS HAS ACKNOWLEDGED ME
IT IS SO AMAZING
I actually just had a rush of vicarious OMG from this. WHO IS IT WHO IS IT WHO IS IT?
Lisa Rowe Fraustino, who is awesome. http://yahistoricalvault.com/2015/06/30/i-walk-in…
omg
That was one of my favorite Dear America books!!!!
I had an author respond on Twitter to a review I wrote for cannonballread.com! It’s a very exciting thing!!
Now I’m reading all of your DA recaps and it’s reminding me of how much I loved those books.
So I’ve been reading the Toast for a while, and I thought it was time to finally comment. Anyway, hope y’all are having a good Friday! (I’m going home from college for the first time in a couple months, and can’t wait to see my puppy again)
Cow tongue IS delicious, as I learned in Japan.
Toasties, I thought I’d know where I was gonna be in six months, but I am an alternate for the fellowship I wanted and must play the waiting game for at least another week. I’m so tired. So so tired. And yet I must do all the writing.
Ooh, how did you get it prepared in Japan?
And I feel you on the waiting game, that’s where I am in life until April. I just want to have all the information before making decisions, is that too much to ask?
We grilled it outside in the yard. My host family threw me a birthday barbecue (because they were amazing).
oh god, it’s the worst, right? I really thought I would know on Thursday, and then fellowship option #2 was all “LOL JK YOU’RE AN ALTERNATE HANG IN THERE FOR 10 DAYS.”
Slice it thin and throw it over a fire, it will be good!
I am in exactly your situation! Waitlisted for one of the slots in the program I applied to, won’t know for sure for another two weeks, still have to write my thesis in the meantime. This suuuuucks. Hang in there.
*fistbump of solidarity*
I used to work in the deli section of a supermarket, and we sold tongue set in gelatin along with the luncheon meat and shaved ham. The old ladies who kept coming back to buy it sure enjoyed it (however this vegetarian was not willing to try)
I will never not feel guilty about this but goddamnit, the puffin I ate in Iceland was delicious! I guess I’m a person who likes puffin now!!
Puffin! How was it cooked? What made it particularly delicious?
It was made into a tiny slider and served atop a large piece of stone with some other weird meats (whale and langoustine). It was really intense! I think the tenderness and richness are what I liked, but I was also a vegetarian for 15 years before that puffin so I’m not the best meat-judge!
A friend and I are talking about going to Iceland in the fall and I am so excited to try puffin and also to hold that one at the aquarium!
But I have also eaten guinea pig even though they are my favorite pets.
I ate guinea pig in Ecuador!
You gotta go!!! And in case you do get to plan a trip, here are the restaurants where we ate our very best meals in Reykjavik:
Ostabúðin – http://ostabudin.is/
Grillmarkaðurinn – http://www.grillmarkadurinn.is/
I hope this helps the guilt part…
What’s digested is digested.
Toasties, do any of you have recommended reading for someone who will be the non-birth/biological mom in a same-sex parents household? I’ve read a few things but aside from generic “kids do well in 2-mom households,” I’m just not. Not finding anything that resonates. I have so many feelings I can’t put words to, and it would be so nice if someone else already has!
I have no knowledge of books. But I know this: your child is very lucky. You are going to be an excellent parent. I am jealous of them. Really, I am.
Oh, thank you!! I hope/think that we will be good parents, though of course, no one goes into this thinking “yessss I will suck and damage this poor soul irreparably :D” It helps to hear this from others when one is having a questioning day about it!
Ooh I too would like to read some books on this as – if it all works out – I’ll be one too. Toasters, do you have experience of being a non-biological mum? I have mixed feelings: I DEFINITELY don’t want to give birth but equally I worry I’ll be sad I can’t see my resemblance in a small one. Is that selfish? I feel terrible about being so shallow. Help! ETA: I did not mean this as a comment hijack. Sorry!
Hello, I too do not wish to hijack, but I just wanted to tell you that I am the egg donor for a same-sex couple, and their wonderful daughter kind of looks like me and the bio-dad but also looks like the non-bio-dad. Like, a lot. And at the moment her personality is 100% the non-bio-dad’s. Nature v. nurture continues to stymy us all!
Aww. Your comment made me tear up a bit. Thanks – really needed to hear that!
That’s lovely <3 And really distills, I think, how flexible and intricate family relationships and personality can be! Humans, so complicated and wonderful.
No hijack at all! That’s exactly one of the things on my mind. We actively chose a sperm donor who shares many of my physical characteristics and personality traits. But sometimes I wonder if that was weird! It just seemed like maybe it’d be easier for us all if we were “obviously” a family unit, but how often are families “obviously” connected? How many families share no blood ties at all? Why would I assume it’s easier, and easier how, and easier for whom? Have other families done something similar? What did it mean for them? Etc etc.
I don’t think it’s shallow – I think there is some combo of biology and socialization which makes us expect to see ourselves in our children. Critiquing that expectation is both interesting and exhausting! 🙂
Isn’t it? I’m really encouraged and delighted to read about your progress though – you’re further down the line. its exhausting but important to explore it I think – if only so you’re comfortable with all the myriad options when your small one is growing!
I can’t really speak to your experience, being the birthing partner in an opposite sex household, but my own experience is that the older my daughter has gotten, the less important it is to me that I gave birth to her. I love her for the awesome person that she is. It’s the taking care of them that is the important part.
I am sure you will be awesome parents and best of luck to you!
Thank you! 🙂 That’s interesting and wonderful. It definitely seems like the goal is to love the person for who they are, as well as because they’re your kid. It just seems so healthy and nice to feel that way!
I’m not so much worried about that – I have zero concern about whether I’ll love and bond with the kid. I have a pocketful of worries about a hypothetical future where I have to explain myself to them, though. Neuroticism is a good parenting trait, right? 🙂
Yes! Lesbian Dad wrote a brilliant blog for a number of years and you can still find it here: http://www.lesbiandad.net/
I believe LD herself is still working on LGBTQ parenting issues — there’s probably a link somewhere on the blog in the resources section.
My wife worries about this, too. I’ve found stuff where the non-carrying mom is either (a) pretty butch-identified and so takes up a more “dad” role (not a fit for us) or (b) SUPER AMBIVALENT and, from my perspective, more terror-inducing than terror-reducing.
(“Confessions of the Other Mother” is the one I think of there, and the reviews are full of people asking “are there any other books about this subject?”)
THIS. I’m definitely not super butch – almost the opposite, in fact. I don’t think I’ll think of myself as a Dad at all, really. I’m not so far down the line as fishesinthetwee – we’ve only just started looking at donors – and I think we’ll try and look for a donor who shares my colouring and Dutch origins – but I’m already worrying about having to explain myself, and our future small person having to answer questions about who I am and how I fit in. Also my wife’s sister already has children with her husband and there’s such a strong family connection there.. I see it and it makes me feel so bittersweet when I hear things like ‘you’ve got grandma Jane’s knees’. I know it doesn’t matter so much, but.. You know, I just want to be connected. I would be REALLY interested to read more about other people’s experiences of this.
The clinic we started out at actually had us go through a session with a social worker who specializes in families who conceive using a donor.
It was actually quite helpful to talk to somebody who had professional guidelines, based on different stages of child development, for explaining the role of an anonymous genetic donor to a kiddo. It wasn’t terribly expensive, so I would absolutely recommend asking your providers/sperm bank folks for a referral to somebody local or who will speak over Skype, or for reading material specifically dedicated to in-family communications.
Luckily your kid will grow up with this being, you know, their normal life. But yeah, I get it. I have a little nut of bitterness at my core about not being able to make a person with my partner’s genes. Even though I know how little that guarantees, in terms of the actual human being who emerges from the combination.
Thank you. I know what you mean about gene mix thing: even though I’m not there yet I identify so much with what you say, and you also sound like you’re doing a fantastic job, by the way.
Both my wife and I work in social services/NHS (yeah, I know, could we be more stereotypical?) so we know the score and we’re already talking about finding someone to talk through the maze of stuff that is starting to surface so that’s a great tip. I also know it’s also really a beautiful and special thing to be part of and I don’t want to scare myself silly, but still want to be realistic!
Ha, whoof, and I aint even pregnant yet, we’re just…inclined to be hyper-prepared!
Who knows how it will actually shake out emotionally – I’m certain that things we’re preoccupied about now will turn out to be a total non-issue and some weird harmless-seeming details will be the source of GREAT AND UNEXPECTED WEEPS.
But hey. That’s called having a kid – a pack of shiny new fears and insecurities to confront! 😀
Hyper-prepared lesbian mothers with multiple philosophical and pre-though anxieties: REPRESENT.
Right – I’m pretty femme and sort of delicate about someone assuming there has to be a dad, while also fiery about accepting other people’s gender identity and expression? And the furthest thing from ambivalent, while wanting to accept that there are so many reasons to be ambivalent! Why are there so many ways to feel?? So challenging! 🙂
I’ll have to go read those reviews. They might be more clarifying to me than the book itself! And interesting in their own right. Thank you!
Here’s the link by the way, if you’re interested – I just looked it up too. And THANKS for asking this question, it hadn’t even occurred to me to do so. The Toast is really amazing.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/review/0807079634/R…
I have no relevant experience, but feel it’s worth stating the obvious: don’t dwell on the non-biological part. Shared genes have little to do with what makes a parent. Good luck!
Hello! It can sometimes feel a little dated, but Rachel Pepper’s Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians touches a little bit on non-birth moms, and IIRC has a bibliography at the end.
I am the birth mom in a 2-mom, 1-kid family. My wife is a stay-at-home mom so … I’m the dad in the family?
COOKING THREAD!!
Yesterday was my LAST EVER DAY OF UNI and so we had a little gathering to celebrate that and my impending birthday. It was so much fun! Turns out I don’t actually have to hate birthdays!
I made an incredible dip by whipping goats cheese, natural yoghurt, and heaps of lemon zest and pepper. It was so good. And because I was disappointed with the cracker/chip selection I also made my own tortilla chips kind of (moderate oven, lightly oiled tray, salt flakes, check on them and turn them halfway)
I made pikelets this morning for brunch (because I treat myself right)
I’m struggling with the transition to spring period, trying to lighten up my diet a bit. What are your fave springy recipe adjustments?
Delicate green stuff! Baby lettuces and pea shoots and micro-greens and baby asparagus. Dressed in light vinaigrette and lemon juice.
Yuuuuuuuuuum
My supermarket hasn’t caught up with the season yet so we’re still getting a lot of heavy veg and dark greens, but I’m making kale salads and roast broccoli in the meantime. I think I will have to bite the bullet and go to the fancy fresh market this weekend, which usually means dropping a ton of money, but it’s so worth it… I’ve never been super into vinaigrettes – how do you make yours?
Ooh, goat cheese with lemon zest is the best! And homemade tortilla chips? Sounds so good!
Since local produce is still a little scarce, I’ve been into this lately: http://www.bonappetit.com/recipe/stir-fried-black…
That miso-tumeric dressing is good on ANYTHING.
when i read “last day of uni” i thought you were giving up sea urchin sushi forever, and thought BUT WHY!
i am looking at making lighter soups. i do a lot of stews in winter [down here in the desperate climes of los angeles], so i do clearer broths with chopped veggies as they come into season.
i also like chopped salads this time of year, to even out the textures between delicate lettuce and kale, chopping in fruit and baby fresh onions. also, it’s a good time for pestos of all kinds, as dressings or spreads or soup toppers.
just saw artichokes at the market yesterday, too, so: artichokes! i like mine with a hot sauce-mayo dip.
Had to say I thought the same thing. I was really upset for her.
Woo, congratulations! And that dip really does sound delicious; I will have to try making it.
Hello toasties. I finally made an intense debate account since I am staying home with the baby for the next months and want to join the commentariat. I am all in. I’m going to be here, up in your business, for the next 7+ months. Hi!
Quickie introduction: mid-30s (old), reluctant Angeleno, public defender, new baby, dog. Interested in books and food and justified misandry and Mallory’s sense of humor, which I hope is contagious. I have loved the-dash-toast since the day it was born and I love all you kind and fascinating souls. I’m excited to hang out here more often.
Hello there!
Welcome!! I, too, discovered The Toast while home with a wee one, and it has been a happy place for my inherent Toastiness to be nurtured. This site and these people are amazing.
I was also a reluctant Angeleno until very recently. Feel free to request commiseration. Congratulations on your general awesomeness, inclusive of baby, dog, defending, books, food, and misandry.
Raptor news: Now that the National Arboretum eaglets have hatched (YAY), anyone looking for another eagle cam fix should head over to the Earth Conservation Corps eagle cam. This pair also has two eggs, which are expected to hatch any day!
Still waiting for a DC raven cam though.
Thank you!!
No problem! It’s a really great organization started by and principally run by teenagers in Anacostia. It also means that some of the stories about major members are really fucking sad:
“The Earth Conservation Corps Volunteers pictured here define active conservation. Every day wading into the polluted Anacostia in a battle to restore the river they loved. We honor their vision, heart and sweat which launched a movement they would not live to see. Each was a victim of the extreme poverty that continues to permeate inner city America. Most were murdered, two died from fourth world medical care.”
The eagle cam is amaaaazing. So high def! The babies are so stupid and gawky and I feel so patriotic about their dumb little fuzzy heads and grumpy faces.
Eagles are really incredible. There’s a mated pair that live near my boyfriend’s childhood home, and they always sit on the same teeny tiny branch at the top of a tree in his yard and beep for hours. It’s super cute and silly.
Thank you! I have been enjoying the other eagle cam so much (most of the time I have just seen a parent sitting in the nest, but whenever it stands up and feeds the chicks it is GREAT).
Has anyone in the greater Boston area heard whether there will be any public rally or protest over the NC trans bathroom bill?
On a related note, I’d welcome suggestions for shows of support, and useful things I could do, as an alternative to sitting here and seething with rage.
I live in North Carolina. I’m seething with rage (and shame for my home state) right along with you. I’m sorry I can’t offer anything useful regarding protest suggestions in Boston, but I do hope you find some outraged allies to protest with. There were some protests in Raleigh last night. I’ve written to some of my state representatives, but that’s getting harder to do without letting my words become infused with incomprehensible fury. Toast hugs from down south.
Our local (Northern California) public radio station’s LGBT show just played hard rock and heavy metal last night to help people process the anger. I’ve been trying to think of a super-succinct way to communicate that the people who are up in arms about this could give a fuck about the safety of cis women, who are not afraid to share the bathroom with OTHER WOMEN. And obviously trans men also need safe access to restrooms. You can see how it doesn’t fit well on a 2″ button.
Here is your weekly reminder that there’s an online book club for Toasties! If you’re interested, join the google group. We will be reading Rebecca Scherm’s Unbecoming and discussing it on
Sunday, April 3rd at 4:00 EDT.
And all Toasties in Asia shed a collective tear and cursed at the 12-hour time difference…
The actual discussion is over Slack, so you could definitely check in at a decent time for you.
Retract tears! For some reason your link takes me back to this thread?
I messed it up! https://groups.google.com/forum/#!forum/toasties-…
the actual google group
I’m feeling so good today. I am well slept, I have flowery shoes on, I have three vases of flowers in my house and all my plants are doing well, my new perfume is the besssssssst. The last few weeks have been so bleak, but things are suddenly so much better. I feel like I am living in this song: https://youtu.be/GL2_DMIVL_c and that is nice. How are you doing? What’s the self care routine?
This winter I have made a habit of buying fresh flowers (at my grocery store you can get a basic bunch for $5) and it has made a world of difference. I love having greenery around when it’s cold and bleak outside.
Mine sells huge bunches of pusywillow for £6, and it has actually changed my life. They last for ages and are so pretty. Glad plants are helping you too
I generally buy mums, they last forever and come in all colors.
That sounds so nice, I’ll have to try it.
I need to actually buy flowers next time I’m in the grocery store. I keep thinking of it and then forgetting (or deciding I can’t spend the $5, which I immediately turn around and spend on coffee, so).
I am also feeling so good today, despite a hangover. I walked around the park and sat in the sun and watched people and kids and dogs all having fun and it was lovely.
I’ve been listening to music a lot when I’m tired, and we bought bright yellow tulips yesterday, and Mr. ZNF and I worked out on Monday morning and it made me feel so much more energetic for several days after!
That sounds marvelous! Go you!!
I am all over the plants-for-happiness thing. Last weekend, a new friend just gave me some tulips, irises, and hyacinths, and they have been a mainstay of good feeling in the midst of a challenging week. I am grateful every time i get a waft of their lovely, fresh fragrance.
I am still investing in getting a good self-care routine off the ground. However! I have been messing around with Habitica and it has put awareness on concretely deciding what I want my self-care to be, which has been tremendous and had some concrete results, like more consistently drinking more water and taking vitamins and supplements and giving myself credit for productivity instead of beating myself up over my looming to-do list.
I had a terrible visit with a new doctor this week. She was an option for my new general care practitioner, and it was the stuff of nightmares, so it’s kind of sent me on a downward spiral vis a vis getting the medical care I need. But I am reaching out to people – which I suck at – in order to get the support to make it possible to gather myself to try again.
Toasts I took the day off because I really needed one (not for Good Friday or religious reasons) and felt a little guilty about it, but when I checked with my boss yesterday she said “do what you think is best for you!! you’re so on top of everything, so you should have a nice weekend!” which was great because I’ve been getting the feeling lately that my other boss is constantly annoyed with me. The boss who said the nice things is technically my more direct supervisor, so it was nice to hear that we’re on the same page and she thinks I’m doing well. So I’m celebrating by doing absolutely nothing today and enjoying it 🙂
Also, I think one of my wisdom teeth is coming in? For years dentists have been confused about why my wisdom teeth chose to just remain in my gums for all of my adolescence but I can definitely feel one poking through now. It doesn’t really hurt, it just kind of feels weird but I’m a big baby about dental procedures and I hope this doesn’t mean I’ll have to get surgery in the future. Why couldn’t my wisdom teeth just continue to chill happily in my gums forever!!
You should do some research. I recently read something, cannot remember where, that suggested wisdom teeth removal is not as necessary as often as dentists have led us to believe.
I will, I haven’t actually seen a dentist since it started but I’ll listen to whatever they recommend with some skepticism.
I’m glad your boss approves! That’s the best feeling.
I have only one wisdom tooth and it pokes through. Several dentists have told me that I should get it removed but I just can’t see why. (They say it will get cavities and mess up the alignment of my other teeth.) I just brush it like my other teeth. I guess if it ever causes me trouble I will look into removal but I can see myself keeping it forever. But then again, I am very dentist-avoidant, preferring to try to take good care of my teeth on my own, so maybe I am not a good example.
I think I remember being told that my lower wisdom teeth never formed, and my upper right one is still high in there, never came in. The upper left one came in at some point (I don’t remember and it didn’t bother me, either) and I just try to be vigilant about cleaning it. One or twice a dentist has said something about removing it, but I could never be convinced that it was the right thing to do. Good luck! I am in support of just letting it be, as long as it’s not bothering you.
Just watch the tooth. I ended up with an abscessed wisdom tooth (it had poked through a bit but not all the way, which I think was the problem) and spent a couple of days in the hospital last summer in the middle of my vacation. Three of my wisdom teeth, including the abscessed one, had dead roots, so when I had surgery for the abscess, they got the other two out. Bonus: no real pain afterwards, but downside: I underwent surgery in a foreign country without any family nearby and had to pay to change my flight home.
It’s really unlikely you’d end up in that situation – I ignored many BIG BRIGHT RED FLAGS for ages because I’m an idiot – but do be watchful just in case.
My lower wisdom teeth came in late. As a result of squishing, my lower front teeth overlap a bit, but it doesn’t bother me tooo much. Other than aesthetic reasons, I don’t see why I should get them out or you should either.
An xray at the regular dentist will show whether the roots have started growing and whether the teeth will fit in your mouth. If they are growing straight and your mouth is big enough to fit them you can keep them. Mine were literally growing horizontally, so that sucked and they had to come out. They give you pretty good drugs though so although I was pretty chipmunk-y for a while it wasn’t too bad.
I matched with some people on Bumble BFF and now I am too shy to make the first conversation move! I’ve never met someone from the internet before and it feels weird just saying “I thought your pictures looked not obnoxious friendship, maybe?” I know, I should just start with “hi!” but oh it’s so weird.
Just do it!! I think it expires after 24h and the person will disappear. I think I have my first bumble bff date next week!
They are on this site because they are looking for people, too. Repeat that like a mantra. Everyone feels weird about these sites, but everyone is looking for human connection. You are not alone!
I made such a great friend on a similar website (not4dating) and it is so worth it. Just be like heyyyy let’s do this fun thing! And there you go.
Long week, but a good one. I’m getting physical therapy for arm pain instead of being diagnosed with RA and Lyme and Fibro by Facebook, and it hurts like heck but is already helping. Playing legitimate hooky from my physical because I am a blood swamp at the moment. Hopeful that I’ll have energy enough to start looking for work more aggressively soon. Also looking for Fun more aggressively, though I may go to a tea party at the library tomorrow.
Food query: I like peanut sauce and chickpea gravy, but would love any other good ideas for topping my basic “throw vegetables in a pot, boil and eat” exhausted bachelorette cooking style. Can you top this? With what?
Roast your veggies! Even I can do it and I can’t cook. Just microwave a little butter first to brush on the fairly uniform chunks of veggies before they go under the broiler. I sit on the floor and watch the browning happening. I have to. Or I’d forget the oven is on until the smoke detector activates. I hate how that sound scares the dogs. Happy veggies!
I second roasting the veggies. Roasting concentrates all the great flavors and caramelizes the sugars. To roast I recommend coating with olive oil, salt, and pepper. Cook at 375 for more or less 30 minutes depending on the toughness of the veg how well done you like them. (Eliminating the broiler is crucial for me, cause otherwise I burn them every time.)
My lazy veggie meal lately is a version of bi bim bap with roast veggies, sometimes tofu and kim chee, over rice with Ssam sauce or gochudang sauce.
Thirding the roasted veggies and also recommending this sauce for just about everything.
That sauce looks so good and I don’t know how to give you a GIF! [Phoebe hugging Rachel]! [Also something with bouncing tiny animals]!
(and here are HTML instructions on inserting an image in case you ever want to try it!)
Ah, thank you! I kind of like my old lady version, but it couldn’t hurt to learn something. For now, [Channing Tatum doing something, anything really].
This is an excellent easy meal. If you’re not vegan, fry up an egg or two to put on top!
Oogh I hear you on the PT. It can be so painful but it’s worth it to be healed after instead of permabroke.
PT can be so much awesome! Give it a shot, but feel free to stop when you are certain beyond doubt it’s not helping.
TEA PARTY AT THE LIBRARYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! Go. And take me with you. 😀
Are you vegetarian? Vegan? Any dietary restrictions from allergies or otherwise? I have been in a bad streak of exhausted, minimum-effort cooking, but one of my projects at the moment is collecting my recipes and making a menu, so that even if it is boring and everyone else rolls their eyes about eating it, it’s reasonably healthy, reasonably affordable, and reasonably easy to make and clean up. If you let me know what you are looking for and stuff you do/don’t eat, I would be happy to email you whatever fits your specs.
Do you have an email you’d be okay throwing out here? I can drum one up if needed to start.
I’m only covered for 6 sessions and thankfully it’s minor pain, so we’re just cranking it out and I’m trying really hard not to kill the guy with all the questions I’d usually ask and just do my reps. I love it.
I prefer meatless but am both unrestricted and super-insanely anemic, so meat right now is definitely a possibility. I should have been clearer above that I actually love and prefer boiled or steamed veg, but was genuinely looking for new sauces. I usually add things to the pot that turn into a sauce when it’s done…or don’t, but it’s usually still good. This week I made a bean and chorizo ragu that was good on pasta, very good on spiralized veggies, and FANTASTIC over sleazy turkey dogs. But I’d love to find something less greasy. ([email protected] if you have just the ticket, and thanks!)
You’ve tempted me to go for tea. They’re watching Gosford Park and mourning the end of Downton Abbey, which I’ve never seen, but I did make a neat origami clutch so I can pretend to be a fancy lady.
Some friends of ours who moved last summer are due soon. They announced they were pregnant just around the time I discovered I was pregnant. They’re having a boy. We know them because our daughters were in daycare together for several years.
1. I didn’t realize the wife’s due date was so close to my own.
2. My due date is in three weeks.
3. I don’t know, but have designated that the fetus was a boy.
4. My daughter looked at me last night and said, for the umpteenth time, that she wished she had a little brother or sister.
5. I have never regretted anything more in my life than that abortion. I wonder every day if I could have made it through. (My husband, bless him, assures me that I would not have done so.)
6. The current state of abortion rights in this country has never felt more urgent and hurtful than it has in the last six months.
7. I am now crying at my desk.
*hugs*
Hugs to you toast friend.
*toasthugs*
I don’t know you, but your husband does, and YOU do, and you thought — you knew — that you couldn’t make it through. I remember how sick and miserable you were and I feel confident that you did what you could and then you did what you had to.
*more toasthugs*
I am so sorry. I’m glad you prioritized your health, and you’re an A+ mom for doing what you have to do to stay emotionally and physically healthy.
And I’m so sorry that you had to have an abortion to stay healthy, when it was so clearly a difficult decision for you. And I’m sorry that politicians are making you feel shitty about your medical history. They are pieces of shit, and you are a blessed, beautiful unicorn.
Oh ‘bug, I’m sorry. It sucks. It hurts. I can feel your hurt in your post. I trust your husband’s judgment that you needed that abortion. Can you and your husband make plans for your due date? Get a sitter for your daughter and go somewhere relaxing. Please be gentle with yourself. ::Toasthugs::
A friend of mine made a birthday cake for the baby she miscarried and it really helped her get through the day. Definitely do as many nice things for yourself as possible.
Your story touched me so much, and I can tell you that I had no doubt *that* Runbug could not continue the pregnancy. You are healthy and feeling normal now. If you had felt this way then, it would be another story. I am so sorry you are feeling pain and regret, and hope all the toastie love & hugs help.
I too remember your story quite vividly, and I think I agree with your husband that it was the best decision for your health, and the overall health of your family. Abortion rights in the US are indeed a terrifying mess and it is one of the things that keeps me up at night. Do you think it might be helpful or healing to volunteer with a group that works in repro rights, or would that be too much right now? Maybe a donation? I’m sending you many good thoughts <3
I am so, so sorry you are in pain. Sometimes the most loving, healthy decisions hurt the worst. Please trust your mate, and trust yourself.
I’m so sorry, Runbug. You are grieving a HUGE loss. The loss of a child, the loss of a particular vision of your family, and the loss of your own sense of physical and mental resilience. Just one of those things would be enough to deck the stoniest of stony stone-people. You deserve all the compassion and consideration in the world for living through this.
For what it’s worth, my mother took me aside when I was five, and explained why there wasn’t going to be another child. I was disappointed for about…five minutes and then never gave a serious thought to the concept again. (In fact, I’ve had actual *nightmares* about acquiring a younger sibling.)
It may make any future “I wish I had a little brother/sister” episodes easier if you can refer back to one really clear conversation about why it isn’t going to happen – and how that may be sad, but also okay. Kids can often integrate painful stuff like this so much more gracefully than we poor tender grownups can.
(In fact, I’ve had actual *nightmares* about acquiring a younger sibling.)
I am so glad this isn’t just me – I have recurring stress dreams about my mother having a baby. (She was sterilised when I was three; no younger siblings have ever been a possibility.)
In case it helps to hear this from an internet stranger, I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I love RoseCamella’s idea for doing something special for the due date.
Also, maybe think about a way you can do extra self-care around the time your friend’s baby is born?
(My brother and SIL conceived — and ultimately kept — an unplanned pregnancy right at the time that I was miscarrying. It’s obviously a different specific pain, but it’s the same family of pain?)
Also – I am never in time for open thread so I have things saved up – I have gone back to school for a very practical career in a field I’m moderately passionate about.
However, every time I get a second off from school, my brain tries to remind me how much I love writing. I’ve finished one fantasy novel (a very much unpublishable novel but it taught me a lot), and I have two unfinished novels and three ideas that I’m always sending myself notes about. I’m a fast writer and I’m pretty good, but there’s room for improvement – just not a lot of time, you know?
So, do any of you have a recommendation for a course online which could help me improve? A lot of what I’ve seen online is stuff that’s too basic, but I don’t actually have any formal training I can name-drop to get me into more intermediate/advanced classes. It’s okay if the course costs money, so long as it isn’t like, very low-level, or someone reading Save the Cat at me for $500. :/
Toasts, I have had a WEEK.
This past Saturday, I went home with a friend after a party and he attacked me. I don’t want to go into details, but let’s just say that I can’t read any of the Jian Ghomeshi accounts because they are so SPOT ON. I spent days in head to toe pain and I still have huge bruises on my arms. I’ve been in a total state of denial, mostly because I’m in an intense PhD program and I can’t afford to fall apart right now. As much as I hate that he assaulted me, I’ve worked so hard to get here and I hate the idea of being derailed even more. To make matters worse, he’s a fellow grad student in my department. I can’t stand the idea that if I came forward, this assault would become the most important thing that happened to me in graduate school, both in my mind and in the minds of everyone else. I just want to get back to my normal life, but it is so incredibly unjust that he should get off scot-free for what he did.
I should have gone to the police immediately, but I believed his bullshit sobbing apologies and proclamations that he’s an alcoholic and is going to start AA. I realize now that he was just scared that I was going to report him– he has no real remorse for what he’s done. And now I can’t report him because, just like the Ghomeshi victims, I continued to see him after the assault. I just couldn’t deal with the trauma of the assault AND the realization that my friend is a virulently misogynistic abusive drunk. I actually reached out to him for support, because for the first few days I was too afraid to tell my friends and family what happened, because then I would have to face reality. His response was a classic of dark humor. He said he could pop by and check on me, but then he had to leave because “I’m performing standup for the first time ever!”. He said I was welcome to sit in the audience if I wanted (again, I AM COVERED IN BRUISES HE INFLICTED), and when I reacted with utter shock and disgust, he said “Listen, this is a promise I made to tons of people. It’s not just something I decided on a whim. It’s been in my calendar for months!”.
I was such an idiot to believe he was actually sorry.
I am so sorry that you were assaulted. I encourage you to tell someone – anyone – to get the support you so deserve.
I’m so sorry he did that to you. Thank you for telling the truth about it here. I hope you can let go of any feelings that YOU did anything wrong, or of blaming yourself. You did NOT.
If you are able, and haven’t done so yet, I strongly encourage you to reach out to counseling services at your institution. They are not mandated reporters, and if they are doing their job right, they won’t pressure you to report; they will help you figure out how to take care of yourself, and what ALL your options for responding might be. (If they handle this poorly, please feel free to tell me–publiclycomplex is my gmail address–and I will call them and chew them the fuck out.)
I don’t know you, but I’m sending love to you, and strength. You didn’t have control over what this piece of shitmeat did to you. You do have control over what you do next, and it might help to get some backup in making those decisions, but it is entirely up to you.
O my goodness, I am so sorry that this happened to you. the gentlest of e-hugs are here if you want them.
I know that being told how to not/feel is not terribly useful, but it we have learned anything from the Ghomeshi tirlal, we have learned that the justice system is not really that, and that you will probably be poorly served by it anyway. So please try, at least, to let go of the remorse of not reporting. It’s not your fault, you did nothing wrong. And you are _not_ an idiot for not seeing this dude for what he was – JG managed to fool an entire _country_. These kinds of predators are generally VERY good at hiding themselves.
Is there a women’s centre on your campus? I had to take peer-counselling training when I volunteered for one, so they may be able to help you? Or some sort of crisis line that you can call? You won’t be able to salvage the friendship, but you may be able to move on from it, with time and love and support. And remember, toasties are here for you. ♥
Oh, androdameia, I am so sorry this happened to you. You did nothing wrong. I wish for you all the healing and support you need. I am sending a virtual cup of tea and a warm blanket to wrap around your shoulders. Don’t forget we’re here and we got your back. *toasthugs*
I am so sorry this happened to you, and it is unfair that you have to struggle with consequences when you’re the victim. You’re not an idiot, and I hope you can find a counselor to talk to if family and friends aren’t an option, and get the support you deserve. Please take care of yourself.
*all of the hugs*
You’re amazing. Fuck this guy.
Edited because I am a horrible human being: I am so sorry. Take care of yourself; you don’t deserve to feel anything less than completely perfect in every way.
My advice is: Go to a doctor and make sure they get photo evidence of the bruises. You don’t have to press charges but you should collect the documentation now, just in case you decide to do so in the future.
Ugh, sorry that’s so blunt, but this Ghomeshi thing has been weighing so heavily on my mind. Documentation, documentation, documentation. If you can save the texts or phone logs from when he apologized, do that too. Augh.
Rolling up to the OT on a Saturday because this, uh, internet comment was in my nightmares last night. I just want to say, on the off-chance that someone else who is in my position ever reads this comment: I understand how profoundly destabilizing it is to be assaulted, and if you weren’t able to COLLECT FORENSIC EVIDENCE while reeling in the aftermath of a violent crime, that is 100% understandable. The problem of sexual predators not facing justice is not caused because victims don’t behave correctly after the assault, it’s caused by a culture and a criminal justice system that permits and conceals these crimes. It is egregiously wrong to imply that Ghomeshi going free or anything like that is the fault of the victims.
To alianaaa, for the record, even in my state of denial, I was saving and backing up every text message he ever sent me, I took pictures of my injuries the day after, and had already made an appointment to be examined by a doctor and get additional photo evidence. But I shouldn’t have to justify to you what a good victim I am. If you’re sorry for anything, it shouldn’t be bluntness, it should be for attacking the victim of a violent crime for Not Doing It Right.
Oh, I am so sorry this happened to you. Does your school have a counseling center you could maybe go to to talk to someone without it becoming A Thing, while you figure out what you want to do? But whatever you do I absolutely support you, whether it’s going to the police or the school administration or finishing your program and refusing to let him derail your life.
Thank you so, so much for the support guys. Don’t worry, I am ON IT. I have a therapist, am currently at the doctor’s waiting to get pictures taken, have copious screenshots, am going to see a lawyer, and have contacted friends and family who have all offered to come whisk me away if necessary.
Go you!!! <3 <3 don’t hesitate to come on back here to reach out if you need it.
You are definitely, absolutely on it. You are amazing.
You are amazing amazing amazing.
What he did was in no way your fault. Your reaction is in no way justification for what he did. He wronged you utterly, including manipulating your response while you were traumatized by the assault. Your response is sadly not even slightly unusual. It doesn’t invalidate the attack. I am so proud of you for the steps you have already taken I am in tears.
Whatever virtual hugs you want or can accept are yours, Toastfriend. Sending love and healing and strength.
You don’t have to report this. It’s not your obligation to deal with the whole screwed up system if you don’t want to, and god knows the chance that it’ll be worth it in any measure is slim.
However, I do think you might want to think about who among your female peers you might want to tell and warn to be wary of him. If you have a good mentor in your grad program, you might be able to work with them to design coursework schedules which separate you and him. There’s a burden in silence too- you’ll have to go through this alone.
You don’t have to convict him in a court of law or have formal academic hearings to expose him and make him carry this shame instead of you. Again, there’s no obligation on you if you don’t want to go this route, but there’s a way to spread this straight through the grapevine if you want. make it so he can’t go into a room without there being whispers about him. There might be other women on campus who have been through exactly what happened to you and you are all unable to find each other. I think you could tell your friends and ask them to tell other people what happened without using your name and using his name.
You aren’t an idiot at all for behaving like a normal human and wanting to try and understand or reconcile this confusion. I went through a…I don’t even know what to call it exactly, a mugging? An assault? on my college campus that the police blamed on me and I then blamed myself and we ultimately didn’t report it. It still haunts me, but man do I never really want to tell that story to most people.
What everyone else said, plus you’re not an idiot for believing he was sorry. Wrong yes, idiot no. Wanting to believe the best about people makes you a good person.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. It sounds like you’ve got your immediate needs covered, and like you’ve got an amazing Team Androdameia. I don’t know you but I’m joining the chorus of those who wish you good health and good healing.
Guys, I saw a crazy early screening for a movie coming out this fall last night, and I had to sign a non-disclosure form and go through all sorts of crazy security, so I can’t talk about it. But can I just say how sick I am of jingoistic rah rah Mericuh action movies? Like, do there really need to be so many action movies with “I’m just a simple blue collar redneck but I am the best kind of hero and will save everyone, also there will be at least 6 shots of the American flag not on fire in front of lots of things that are on fire” type of movie? (Not that I have a problem with blue collar workers. This was just a really weird context to be celebrating the workers as heroes and oh I wish I could say more because it was ridiculous).
YES. I think it points towards the growing class division in our society, and our inferiority complex; we actually don’t like to choose politicians who are smarter than us. I was so excited to see Arthur C. Clarke’s Childhood’s End made into a TV miniseries, then stunned by the changes they made. In the book the aliens choose the President of the United Nations as their ambassador to Earth, which makes sense. He was Norwegian I think. In the book they choose a nobody blue-collar American redneck farmer boy because gosh darn it, that’s just the very best type of human there is.
Are there any Atlanta Toasties interested in doing Atlanta things now that spring is here i.e. day drink and call it “brunch”.
What are your favorite brunch spots?
Red Pepper Taqueria is delicious and has bottomless mimosas. Twain’s is good and a cool place to hang out. My Parent’s Basement is a fairly new place that has a decent brunch that will probably get better once they’re established. Waffle House is probably the best if you can find a chill one that doesn’t mind when you bring booze in a flask.
I love My Parent’s Basement for beer and trivia, but I’ve been underwhelmed by their food. Twain’s and RPT are both on my radar but I haven’t actually been.
Folk Art, The General Muir, and Cypress all have solid offerings
God, yes. I’ve been trying to find Atlanta toasties forever.
Yesss please! There was/is a facebook group for Atlanta Toasties but it hasn’t been very active for a while. Sweet Melissa’s in Decatur is nice. I like Twain’s but the food is hit or miss.
just found and joined the group.
Toasties who are churchgoing Christians – is it normal for the officiant at a funeral to have a recruitment element in their remarks? I understand the ‘live a good life and love God and you too will go to heaven like the dear departed’ aspect, but at the last two funerals I attended the minister (United Church) and priest (Catholic) both seemed heavy on the guilt aspect, like, You MUST attend church to be eligible for the eternal reward. I know that membership at both local churches has fallen off, and it’s part of the religion to recruit new followers, but using your funeral remarks as a platform seems really tacky to me.
Maybe it’s just me, interpreting as a person who was raised Catholic but never felt a connection to church and God and who is turned off by the ‘we are the only right church’ aspect of many religious organizations. Thoughts?
I’ve never been to a catholic funeral that did that, but I have been to a lot of evangelical ones that did. I used to be part of the base Honor Guard when I was in the AF and would go to more funerals in a month than most people attend in their lives. At a few the pastor would even try to convert us, the impartial, technically not supposed to be interacting with anyone govt representatives. It was awkward. I’m there to fold a flag, not tell you if I’ve found Jaysus.
I think it depends on the offciant. The newish pastor of my family church pushed the guilt/recruitment hard at my grandma’s funeral and I refuse to set foot in that church while he’s still there. Former pastors did no such thing and that’s never be a focus for that particular church so we all felt betrayed.
I am pretty religious, but this would be at least close to a deal-breaker for me, where a church was concerned.
My people do not do this at funerals, praise to All There Is That Can Be Praised. I think evangelism beyond a simple, “I find church happy-making and meaningful, and you are invited if you ever want to come” is dodgy at the best of times. And a funeral is not the best of times. Relationships should be based in mutual consent, and that includes relationships with God.
This is common for some officiants. Normally, I’m all “you do you” w/r/t worship practices. After all, who am I to judge what brings someone comfort or helps them feel close to the divine?
But this is straight-up WRONG. It is wrong and it is hurtful. I disagree with the theology, but that’s not my sticking point. Funerals are services in which much of the congregation will be strangers to the officiant. This means the officiant doesn’t know if said strangers will be spiritually harmed by their message. What if, sitting in that congregation, is someone who was sexually abused by a religious leader? You’re seriously going to sit there and say, “Best get over your trauma now or you will go to hell!”? That is beyond messed up.
There is a time to say, from the pulpit, how important and fundamental church involvement is in the life of a Christian. A funeral is not that time. A funeral is the time to celebrate the life and resurrection of the deceased.
At my aunt’s Catholic funeral, we were told how atheists were at such a disadvantage during loss because we didn’t know about eternal life, or something to that extent. Given where the funeral was (hey there French Catholic Maine Milltown!) I think it possibly never occurred to the priest that there were atheists in the audience, let alone in the family of the deceased. We were able to laugh it off but damn if it wasn’t super tasteless.
Yes, super tasteless. Kudos to your family for being able to laugh. There are perspectives that hold atheists and others who believe there is no afterlife sometimes have *more* respect and appreciation for life than those counting on heaven.
ETA: “sometimes”
Ugh, last funeral I went to was like that. He talked about the dead guy for like five seconds and then it was all “some say THIS about death but it is THIS and here is why in the Bible” and all gross and recruity, but the worst part? He said “I’m going to conclude by…” and then did he conclude? Reader, he did not.
Forty minutes.
I have been to a funeral like this – I think it was Presbyterian. There was a whole section on “We know she’s going to heaven because she was saved years ago in this church ago and here is why you need to do the same or else you’re going to hell when you die.” I hated it.
NO. NO NO NO NO. NO. (Repeat ad infinitum.)
That is NEVER OKAY, not to mention it’s shite theology.
anyone doing / completed the whole30 recently? i did one a few years back and really liked it, but hadn’t made nearly as many permanent tweaks to my diet long-term, so it was kind of a singularity.
i eat pretty close to the plan already, but i’m having craving troubles and need a little jump-start and refocus, so i’m doing it again.
if anyone is doing it or wants to be a little accountability group, recipe circle, cheerleading squad, i’m on twitter: @heatherparlato
I pretty much live Whole30 because of allergies and health stuff. It’s not impossible! You can do it! Go, team you!
i mainly eat grain-free plus dairy, so i don’t think it will be the worst, but some of it has changed since i did it last. like, no paleo baked stuff even if it’s compliant [point taken] and they’re not into smoothies, even though mine is not fruit heavy, it’s kinda become a staple. so, many of the things i’ve come to depend on, i may have to rework. but hey, potatoes are in now.
that said, i’m taking the weekend to look at recipe ideas and plan it out. i have so many more interesting food tricks than i did last time, i’m hoping that makes it a lot easier.
Yeah, knowing what you’re getting into is 90% of the battle, IMO.
thanks, lando!
I’ve been thinking about it, just because I kind of feel I need a jump start and I’ve gotten so lazy with the snacking. I was also thinking it might be a good way to challenge myself to actually eat three meals a day for a bit. I am not sure I want to give up bread AND dairy AND alcohol for a month, though. Maybe I’d just pick one to keep.
If you’re gonna keep one, keep the alcohol. Just…sayin’.
Oh, I kind of thought that went without saying. 🙂
i had a positive experience, though a lot of it was surrounding myself with approved snacks and maintaining a bowl of fruit salad in the fridge for any sugar cravings.
i don’t think there’s any reason not to get interpretive with it though, like ramping down by limiting yourself to maybe half the dairy choices you were making before, and maybe get sprouted bread for the first week and go to wine only or something. then scale each back over time?
I tried the Whole30 last month…and I have very strong feelings about it and they are mostly all negative. So, if you want the opponent’s side, I’m available. 😉
fire away! i’m not really partisan on it, and i mainly posted to hear feedback from anyone who had it.
Well, first off I should probably say I didn’t end up completing the entire 30 days. My husband had a conference the last weekend of the month so we were pretty “flexible” about it then. So I made about 25 days following the diet to the letter (which is a huge, highly stressed point in the book, so I don’t know how effective it would be if you plan to “break” any of the rules). I decided to do it because I wanted to see if any of the off-plan foods were affecting me, and the fact that you don’t need to count calories or be hungry all the time appealed to me too.
My husband did it with me (which was super helpful) and overall we both felt like it was a TON of work for little to no benefit. I didn’t see any of the withdrawal symptoms described in the book, but I also didn’t see any physical/habitual/mental changes that were so amazing that I wanted to stick with it. We never stopped having food cravings for example.
I tried to plan in advance as much as possible, but there is only so much you can do when you have to make every. single. thing. from scratch. We ended up spending hours every weeknight in the kitchen prepping, cooking, and cleaning, and half to all day on Sundays trying to get ahead. It was hard when we were eating SO much. (My husband went from eating 1-2 “real” meals a day to 3 so food just…disappeared faster than anticipated.)
I found some recipes I liked and a few healthier habits I’m trying to keep, but overall I don’t think I would do it again. I really like the convenience of prepared food/eating out a few times a week, and pasta just cooks so fast that I can’t get it out of my weekly diet.
interesting! from where i sit, this isn’t an overwhelmingly negative review, actually. i can understand all the things you found frustrating. i am only going off the web site, and not the book, so i’m not sure what-all the promises are of personal transformation. i don’t have food allergies, so i wasn’t looking for that, but i will say: eating more fresh, raw veggies actually made me crave fresh, raw veggies, so i liked that change, and i’m hoping for that refocus again.
i am a from-scratch-everything maker, which is mainly supported by working from home, and it’s definitely a lifestyle transition that needs lots of strategies & tools for shortening things. the overload of food prep can be a real roadblock to some of these things if it’s not something you already prioritize and/or like doing.
i have to commend you for doing this during a winter month when far less is in season! that’s an added challenge in itself.
I would love to hear these as well!
I looked into whole30 bc of some health flare-ups, and nearly started it, but given my perfectionist tendencies (and anxiety around them + food anxiety) I felt like it was a path I should not take at the moment :S
Hey everyone! Long-time reader de-lurking to appeal to the collective Toast wisdom in all things academia 🙂
So, my sister was accepted to a classics master’s program in the UK, but just found out that she was waitlisted for the major fellowships that the department automatically submits all its international students to. Apparently there’s basically no chance that she will get off the waitlist, so this is effectively the end of her grad school dream unless she can find other funding. My question is, does anyone know of other funding sources that are still accepting applications that she could apply to?
I know it’s really late in the cycle, but any leads you might have would be amazing! As an American sciencey person, I know basically nothing about the UK funding landscape/humanities fellowships, but I thought this might be a good place to ask.
Thank you!!
P.S. I kept it light on the details because it’s a really small program, but if more are required, my tumblr is theworldsinsidemyhead, and you can also message me there!
Can she defer her admission to the next academic year and pursue other funding sources in the meantime?
I don’t think so, unfortunately
I don’t know if you get email responses so long after the comment but it’s definitely worth a try. I deal with admissions for a Master’s programme and we would always defer a student’s entry for a year while they looked for funding.
I don’t know of any funding sources unfortunately, especially not for non-professional courses.
She is probably eligible for a Javits, which is an excellent fellowship from the US government. The deadline for this fall may have passed — I don’t know what it is.
After a semi-hiatus due to various things including being incredibly fucking busy and my sad ex finding my comment history and being sad (dude, if you’re reading this right now, fucking cut that shit out) I have made my triumphant-but-not-quite-punctual return to the open thread!
So, um, new house is great, new roommate is great, cat gets to play outside again and is so much less of a pain in my ass, Tinder is hilarious and not nearly as soul-crushing as I was led to believe, I got myself a nasty yeast infection and a bladder infection at the same time and am currently on antibiotics and working from bed, and, um, once I’m done being sick I’m going on a date with a Viking professor, and I do mean both “Viking who is a professor” and “professor of Vikings” based on information I have gleaned so far.
My friends are very, very heavily invested in the outcome of this date, and I’m really excited about the fact that he lives an hour away and has his own goddamn life because I just bought myself a sweet memory foam pillowtop and I don’t intend to share that with anyone.
Weird foods: went to the grocery store in a blizzard while feverish, now have a freezer full of insane snack foods I don’t particularly remember buying, lunch Wednesday was zesty ranch cheezits dipped in instant mashed potatoes mixed with pesto. It was okay.
I have nothing to contribute except for sad exes are the worst and good luck with your Viking professor! That sounds very exciting!
brb, going to get some potatoes and pesto. My God that sounds good right now.
Waitwaitwait…is today *not* a statutory holiday for you, south-of-the-border Toastfolk? I r confused.
In pleasant, why does this always happen on a stat when it’s hard to find a repairperson news, my fridge gave out sometime during the night so now I have to sit around and wait for the person to come, once my landlord finds someone who is working today. So much for running to Ikea for a few things.
Stock market is closed, but libraries, banks, post office and non-Catholic schools are open.
How bizarre! I had no idea!
No! I have to be at work all day 🙁
It is not a holiday for Good Friday, but in some places it is a holiday for Cesar Chavez day! I’m still in lab because grad school, but so it goes.
Ha! In why does this always happen on a stat wheen it’s hard to find a doctor news, I have a crazy rash emerging on my upper lip and the corner of my mouth.
I don’t have sensitive skin, but I do seem to be especially rash-prone these last few years. I’ve had poison ivy as an adult several times, one round of pityriasis rosea, something very suspicious over new years, and now this. This is the first one on my face, but it is inspiring me to start taking my shit more seriously. For now, I’m thinking of a veil.
Here in Aotearoa New Zealand, it’s one of like the strictest holidays of all stat holidays – shops that do open get huge fines!
Greetings from a rest stop on the Ohio turnpike! My loud and obnoxious members of my trump-loving family have opted out of Easter this year so I only have to deal with the ones who are less likely to make a scene. Victory!
So I’m planning my birthday celebration and I think I want to spend the entire day celebrating myself by doing whatever the fuck I want. Also I have a little unexpected cash heading my way. What would you guys do?? There are so many options!
OOof I hope that you have been blessed with a rest stop that doesn’t include Hardees!
Alas, I skipped the good ones and ended up at the the one with McDonald’s and the off-brand pizza and salad place. Still better than Hardee’s but not as good as Panera.
That’s pretty close to Toledo, If I remember right? When college boy was up there I stopped there a lot.
I am sorry you have to take the Ohio turnpike, as an Ohioan I apologize. But at least the speed limit is 70.
Mmmmmm YES a celebratory day alone. BLISS. I’d indulge in one salty treat, one sweet treat, a pedicure, a good filthy fic, and some alone time ifyouknowwhatImean. Happy Birthday!
Updating my sad bullet vibe has been on my list. I think that would be an EXCELENT birthday present.
Oooh that’s a GREAT idea!
One of my friends told me that she was thinking of buying me a vibrator for my 30th birthday last week but then thought it might be too personal.
I was like ‘yeah, probably too personal. BUY ME ONE ANYWAY. Also thank you for caring that my pants parts are happy.’
This is mostly a gripe, but advice would be very welcome.
My boyfriend of six months is the best: he’s brilliant, kind, successful, loving and shares a lot of my esoteric interests. For some reason, my mother hates him. She started not liking him before she met him when basically all she knew about him was that I really liked him. She will not admit to not liking him, but she’s always asking really insulting questions about him.
Example 1: I went out with some friends for dinner last weekend, when I told my mom about it she was like: “Oh, so [boyfriend] wasn’t there. He doesn’t get along with your friends?” “No, they all get along. He was seeing Faust, and krautrock isn’t my thing.” “Hmm”
Example 2: I sent her a picture of some killer shoes I wore to a wrestling match. “I bet [boyfriend] didn’t dress up.” “Mom! It was an ironic wrestling match in a warehouse where everyone ends up covered in Jack Daniels, no one dressed up.” “Hmm.”
Example 3: “He’s really smart.” “So he’s a know-it-all?” “No, he’s actually really curious and like to hear people explain things that they’re interested in.” “Hmm.”
For the record, not only do my friends like him, but hers do too. Some of my mom’s judgiest friends cornered him at a cocktail party and grilled him for about an hour on his education, professional background and general fitness as a mate. They called my mom the next day to ask what her strategy was for making sure he ends up in the family.
Anyway, my parents are coming to visit next weekend, and I’m anxious about it.
Would it be at all productive to just flat out say to her, “I’m tired of you criticizing him all the time, especially for stuff he didn’t even do wrong,” or would that just make things worse?
This is where it intersects with the other major fight I have with my mom. She says something and then forgets about it immediately. If I try to bring up a pattern, she’ll always just deny, deny, deny.
“Forgets.” Ugh, how irritating.
hey my mom does that too. [gloomy fist-bump]
My mom does this too!
I… clearly have so many long-lost sisters in this thread?
uuuUUUUHH so. That…that last part kind of definitely sounds like gaslighting? I mean, it’s your life and experiences to define, but…consider defining it as gaslighting. Because I suspect that’s what it is.
Now, gaslighting raises my hackles in a big way, personally – I mean, it’s called “crazymaking” behavior for a reason. I historically have not had a great track record of maintaining relationships with gaslighters, in fact! But I am not here to beat the It’s Okay To Detach From/Cut Off Abusive Parents drum today. Instead, here are a couple of possible strategies.
-For your own peace of mind, see if you can figure out why this issue is important to her. In my personal history, it’s often been about control – is this one of your first serious relationships/tied to other markers of adulthood or defining yourself as a separate person from her? Or, it could be something totally different. Don’t try to confront her once you’ve figured it out – it will only end in denials (hers) and tears of frustration (yours) – but it can be helpful to remind yourself that it’s not about you or your boyfriend, it’s about this particular issue of hers.
-In the moment, perhaps challenge it more directly? “He doesn’t get along with your friends, huh?” “Why would you say that, Mom?” + calmly repeat the question until she gets frustrated with the topic and drops it.
-Maybe set a boundary that she doesn’t bring him up – at all! – unless you do? This will obviously be most successful if *you* don’t mention him to her (difficult when it’s an important person in your life, I know!) and also will require getting past a whole lot of huffy Why Can’t I Ask About Him I Never Said Anything Wrong grumbling. Your best bet is probably framing it as “leaving aside all questions of what has or hasn’t been said in the past, here is how *I* feel and what *I’d* like going forward.” If (when) she does continue to make these weird passive-aggressive assumptive questions, you’d want to warn her and then, if she continues, end the conversation. (<–this entire strategy – this entire post, really – is a riff on various Captain Awkward advice columns)
I”m sorry you have to deal with this. But good luck with your excellent boyfriend and your (er, less than excellent) mom!
Ugh. MOM. STOP. Sorry, that’s so awful. Has she always been like this with your partners? Is this the first grown-up “serious” partner of yours she has met?
Also, “It was an ironic wrestling match in a warehouse where everyone ends up covered in Jack Daniels” OMG that is both my greatest dream and worst nightmare.
Yeah, it’s basically all I can do not to say “ugh! MOM. Stop.” every time we’re on the phone.
RE: the wresting match: If you’re ever in Oakland, it’s worth doing at least once. It was super fun and absurd, but I was also really impressed by how inclusive it was: wrestlers in serious drag! female wrestlers mixed in there with the dudes!
Vice did an article on it a couple years ago: http://www.vice.com/read/hoodslams-drunk-and-bloo…
Maybe though “mom, stop it” isn’t the worst thing you could say. Probably not the most comfortable conversations, but you don’t need this and I think you should try to see if you can’t shut it down now before it gets worse. My parents never liked my spouse and it irreparably harmed my relationship with my parents because — spoiler — spouse and I are still together 20 years later.
yeahhhh I live in this space. We’ve been married approximately ¼ of that time but I worry that the damage done to the relationship between me/parents and spouse/my parents may not be really fixable because of some passive-aggressive threatened bullshit. “mom, stop it” followed by a change of subject is pretty much my jam.
With my mom I find a “what do you mean by that?” or “why would you say that?” is VERY effective.
If she isn’t usually like this, and you normally trust her instincts, I would have at least have one conversation of “why do you think this?” in a very non-judgy way. I have a really good relationship with my mom and I would at least give her a chance to explain what is going on.
If this happens often (in another comment you said that she has a pattern of “forgetting” the bad things she says) then I would just give a very succinct “Well, I like Bob and he has been great so far, I would like you to stop judging him.”
TOASTS, Neko Case and k.d. lang and Laura Veirs are doing an album and going on tour and the single is so lovely! http://www.caselangveirs.com/ (autoplay music)
(I’m going to the Seattle show at the zoo, join me!)
Nice! I’m going to get a ticket for the Denver show.
WHAT
I NEED THIS
omg they’ll be in Texas in August!
I am not a fan of any of those musics (I do like Neko Case’s voice, though, but I’m not into the music — I’m not really into any contemporary music, so don’t be offended, I’m not an aurally focused person) — _however_ I am friendly acquaintances with someone in their tour band, so I might end up going to the zoo show anyway because of that. So. (Note on zoo tunes — don’t buy your tickets in advance; if you get them the day of at the zoo, they cost exponentially less, or so I have been informed by friends who go to zoo tunes regularly)
I thought they sold out way in advance? In any case I did get zoo tix already, but let me know if you’ll be there and we can meet up.
Also anyone who is truly offended that you happen not to like something they like is rude. People have different tastes.
(Can I ask who in the band? Email me offline if you don’t want to say publicly. I know kind of a lot about Neko’s band, because I am a weirdo, and am just curious.)
I am SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS. They’re three of my absolute faves! I’m hoping I can go to the Camden show in July (which also has Brandi Carlile, another fave!), but I’m not sure yet if I’ll be able to…
Hi toasties!
I’m a long time lurker and need some husband advice before I strangle mine. He and his coworkers are in the process of being laid off and he has decided that after a decade in his industry he wants to change careers but has NO IDEA what he wants to do now at 35. I have suggested talking to recruiters, career counselors at his old college (he has a bachelors in psych and minor in marketing), his fairly successful relatives, etc but he shoots all my suggestions down just saying he wants more money in a more stable industry but still not sure what career he wants. We were house hunting and talking about having kids soon (we’ve been married for 4 years, together for 10, both in our 30s) and now that’s on hold so I’m a little resentful because that has always been the plan and now all of a sudden it’s up in the air. So anyways, halppppp me try to figure out what to do with him!
Perhaps ask him to agree to a timeline? He gets time to relax and dither a bit. You get an end date by which he will take agreed upon actions.
I will suggest that to him, thank you! I’m trying to be supportive but these menfolk are very frustrating creatures.
As always, RoseCamelia is smart and wise. It’s okay (if not optimal) that he’s in a “they don’t have a plan they just hate mine” place but staying there is not cool. If after a (reasonably short and agreed-upon) time period he still refuses to at least speak to a career counselor, I’d encourage you to start talking about therapy because this could so easily slide into depression. Good luck and keep us posted, please!
Perfection. As always.
I am sorry your husband is having his midlife?ish crisis, but look at it this way: at least he is telling you this before you buy the house and are stuck in a mortgage you can’t afford. This may be a cold feet thing on his part where he is staring down the “responsible adult” path and having a bit of a freakout. I don’t know if that’s helpful at all, but I sympathize. It’s so hard when you can’t see into their brains!
I think he is a bit panicked about the prospect of changing careers and maybe a middle life crisis a bit early too, we have dealt with quite a bit already in our marriage so it can be a bit of a pile on sometimes. I’m just going to back off a bit, fortunately we have a decent nest egg for a house so when we know what area we’ll be based in (depending on his job situation) we’ll be ready to buy.
What’s the savings situation? I’d assess how long you have to go before things completely fall apart. he might need a moment to breathe through this and so might you. If he’s going to collect unemployment for a while, give him a moment to not have a solution? He might feel guilty about being a burden or sad his job is ending, or overwhelmed or free or all those things at the same time. Your dreams are on hold through no fault of his own, if it feels like you are resentful at him, and you are putting it on him to solve it all right now, I can imagine him writing to someone else, being like, “I haven’t even officially lost my job yet, but my wife is already mad at me we can’t buy a house this year, how do I deal with her disappointment, I told her I want to find something more stable to help our family and she’s just upset.”
This is coming from the perspective that I just went through a long spell of unemployment and everyone had so damn much advice and it was so frustrating because ultimately I just needed to be sending out resume after resume, and all the advice/connections people gave me was either a lot of time wasted on something that didn’t pan out or just, something so obvious I’d already done it and it made me feel like everyone thought I was an idiot.
My boyfriend meanwhile was an absolute rock. He told me we’d get through it. He never pretended it wasn’t stressful for him to be the sole provider but he also didn’t come at me with bossy ideas. I really needed him to help me through it, especially when a chance at a job that would have been all wrong for me, but represented what we most needed: income he helped me decide not to take that path.
This isn’t his fault.
Also, he’s gotten a job and chosen his profession before, so I think it might be interesting to see what would change if you just trusted him to be on it. if you said, “i trust you to figure this out, and I’m sorry I’m freaking and telling you what to do so much, but I’m sad the plan is changing, because I really wanted these things this year. ” Then you can figure out what parts you can help with.
There’s this thing called “stonewalling” that John Gotten came up with and it sounds like that’s what’s happening to your husband when you have all these ideas around his situation.
Our savings are good, we have a decent nest egg that is really for a house/emergencies and he mentioned just buying a small house/townhouse outright the other night to avoid a mortgage so that’s where I get a little frustrated. But we talked last night and he knows I’m here for him and will support whatever direction he chooses. It’s hard going from putting in offers on houses to this but I know it’s not our fault this is happening, he spoke to our realtor and told her we’re putting the search on hold until we figure some things out.
I think his current job was really just his dream industry job and I know he is hurt and disappointed it didn’t pan out. I can’t imagine going to work everyday and not knowing when the other shoe is going to drop, his company is actually being bought by his old job/competitor so he just doesn’t know when it will be finalized (probably in the next month). Did you change careers or stay in the same industry?
Anyways!
I’m glad you two got through that, both of my in laws passed away our first year of marriage (long story there) and my twin brother recently passed away so I’m guessing we are both dealing with some residual grief too. So yea, fortunately you have a supportive boyfriend because relationships are quite hard sometimes.
Toasties, I would regurgitate the whole sordid story of this relationship I’m in, but it’s long and repetitive and pointless, so I will just ask: even if your relationship with someone is largely casual/physical, it’s still not cool to
1. Show up to parties where you know they’ll be with a date
2. Play dumb when they ask to talk to you about it
3. Avoid any conversations that don’t have to do with getting laid, or
4. Suggest that their lackluster response to sex means they’re not interested in your entire gender, right?
Like . . . I am pretty inexperienced at all this relationship stuff (and I have a bad tendency to let people walk all over me and then make excuses for them- “yes they just literally stomped on my face but it’s my fault for lying there on the sidewalk and also maybe they didn’t see me”) but my feelings are getting increasingly sore here! And my first instinct is to try and “fix” whatever I’ve done wrong to make him act like this, but I feel like that is not the right response!
(Tangentially, it really weirds me out how he frames sex-related stuff as me “giving” him things. Like, “are you going to give me [sex act/part of your body]?” It seems . . . off.)
Love, the right response is to run. Ditch, ghost, get the fuck out.
This person is terrible a being a human. The bad news is, you got close enough to get burned by it. The great news is: yay! it’s so not your problem. They’ll change eventually when it hits them that this kind of fuckboi shit robs them of the company of great women like you.
The world is fully of lovely, respectful people who like casual sex, want relationships and everything in between. There’s no reason ever to settle. Take care of yourself.
The thing that’s shaking me up (besides the idea that this behaviour is immature, because he’s older than me- not by, like, several decades, but he’s in his early thirties and I’m in my mid-twenties- so I thought that, if anything, I would be the immature one) is that we worked together for a few months, and I’ve seen him treat people with respect and kindness and conscientiousness. He treated me like that when we first met! So if there’s one variable in the situation that flips the switch from “cool, nice guy” to “insensitive jerk,” it seems to be . . . me . . .
Could it be “sex” that flips the switch? Lots of men still hold onto the whole “virgin-whore” dichotomy long after you’d assume they would have ditched it.
DING DING DING
Betcha good money this is exactly it.
It would be pretty hilarious- not in a “no way is that the case” sense but a “seriously, bro?” one- because we both went into this thing with the knowledge that I’d never had sex with anyone else before!
Ahhh, not that it makes him any less terrible, but this puts the “give me” comments in context for me. Our society often talks about a woman “giving” her virginity to a man. So he may be thinking you’ve “given” him your conventional, vaginal virginity, and now what other forms of virginity can you also “give” to him / can he lay claim to.
This guy is a creep, and a jerk, and not a good partner from what you’ve described. Run for the hills!
OOOoooof, yeah, I’m gonna say the mental triumph of virginity-taking is making him think he can own your sexuality in a damaging way. Wreck this now.
Ugh. Drives me crazy how true this is. How many supposedly progressive men still put women into categories of those you’d fuck and those you’d date/marry? I just hope more and more women learn to shoot this shit down when it comes up cause the worst part is how often (especially young) women internalize it 🙁
Please don’t think this way! The fact that he’s respectful and kind to some people at work but not to you in private is not a point in his favour or against you, it’s a huge red flag that he’s not worth your time. I’m really sorry.
It is never your fault when someone treats you badly. Please don’t think this.
Maybe it’s quite simple. Do you wish to continue the status quo? If no, what changes do you want to see? Ask for them out loud. Silently, to yourself, set a deadline for those changes. If changes do not meet your deadline, end that relationship.
Not easy, I know. But simple.
Ew. He’s gross. Ditch him.
Duuuuuuuuuuude. I was like, “live your life, do what feels right for you, but he seems a bit like a jerk” And then I got to that last line. NOPE NOPE NOPE
Sex is not transaction, you aren’t giving him anything, y’all are experiencing something together. This doesn’t sound tangential, it sounds like it’s symptomatic of this whole relationship (he won’t talk to you about anything but sex?) and his inability to see you as anything but the sum of your body parts. you didn’t make him act this way, his shitty shitty personality is making him act this way.
Maybe your lackluster response to sex is grounded in his refusal to create any emotional safety for you in this relationship. Or that he seems to only care about what he can *get* from sex. Or that sleeping with a slime-covered cardboard cutout of a man isn’t generally sexually satisfying.
Fuck that guy, but really. You deserve much better, even from (especially from?) a casual lay.
“are you going to give me [breast]”
sorry I’m dying
dump this alien please
it doesn’t matter why he does the shit he does, but it doesn’t have anything to do with you, so you don’t even have to waste time thinking about it
God I love this response.
This comment is gold.
If I were less internet-shy, I would post you a picture of the frozen look of horror on my face right now.
Caveat: your life is your own to have as you please, and sometimes even gathering painful/inconvenient/difficult experiences is well worth it. There could be something in this situation that is serving you that no one else sees. You are the ultimate decision-maker and perspective here, no one else, so a mountain of salt for what follows. You do you, we’ll back you up so much as we can.
This person is not making you happy. They are also being extremely rude and mistreating you. They seem unlikely to change, since what they are doing is working for them. You deserve so, so, so much better. Negotiating relationships is really challenging, and negotiating relationships that are new or transitioning or complicated by way of being poly or open even more so. It’s a skill you have to develop, so if you have any work to do here, it’s that. You can give that a shot, but being very clear about what you need here and asking what he needs, and coming to an agreement. Personally, I suggest you go practice that with someone else. But, see above for the caveat. It’s your life. Be happy.
(Tangentially, I am so squicked that he does that. Can we transition directly into slapping him repeatedly now for every occasion in which he simplified you down to an object or act which he could possess/master/use? That enrages me. YMMV, of course, and I respect that. You are the person who gets to decide what you need/want/like. My response here is both my own feelings about that behavior, but also that it is presented through a lens of your unhappiness and mistreatment and it makes me feel very protective, which is my issues and not yours at all.)
Some older people like to date younger because then when they act like jerks they can play it off as being sophisticated.
Being inexperienced at relationships doesn’t make you dumb. If something makes you feel weird, trust that feeling. If you feel vaguely icky or sad or grouchy after your interactions with someone, trust that feeling. You’ve got really good instincts showing up in this post. Part of the path from inexperienced to experience is going, “oh man, I really got led on by that guy, today I know so much more about myself and I don’t put up with that stuff anymore.”
If you don’t like how someone makes you feel, they’re not the right person. If they turn things back around on you and tell you your feelings aren’t correct, they’re wrong. Feelings are clues about how two people perceived the same event. When they don’t agree with each other (you are mad and he is happy) a good relationship will go, “ok why are you mad, let me understand” not go, “well I’m not mad so you are wrong”.
^This. Sorry, lots of feelings about this thread cause it hits close to home. But it’s totally a thing for men to date younger women cause then when they do something that’s not ok they can act like it’s totally a normal thing to do and you’re just being irrational/immature/don’t know how relationships work and that’s the only reason you’re upset. When in fact, for relationships to work, a person needs to gaf when you’re upset, e.g. listen and care about figuring out what needs to happen to make it right (even in “casual” relationships, which are still relationships).
There’s a lot on that list that’s not ok, but anyone that’s trying to dodge conversations about stuff that matters to you or downplay your feelings is wrong to do so. If there was a misunderstanding in what the relationship meant to each of you (which #1 could reasonably be about, I suppose), then the only way to move beyond that is with a conversation that clarifies things (either to the point where you learn you don’t want the same things and peace, or to the point where you come to an agreement on what you’re both cool with). The convo is a necessity. Period.
When I was in Jamaica a bartender at this little hole in the wall place shared her fresh-caught lionfish dinner with me after my friend unsuccessfully tried to pick her up and he’d wandered off to chat to someone else. It was the most delicious thing: a meaty whitefish that didn’t taste heavy in the slightest. We should def be eating more invasive species.
Oh hey, I ate lionfish just last week when I was in Florida! It was a whole, recognizable fish on my plate, which reminded me of meals I had in China. I liked it very much and felt like a badass for eating something so weird-looking!
Are you there WeeRamequin? It’s me, PierrePoutine.
I finally watched Crossroads and do not regret this decision. I have seen Britney et al travel through the liminal space between girlhood and womanhood and returned to tell the tale.
Maybe it’s the fact that I just read the Broadly article, but I couldn’t help but feel affection for it. My life certainly feels more complete now that I’ve seen Britney, Zoe Saldana and Taryn Manning engage in a Shania Twain singalong, followed by a Sheryl Crow singalong. The lack of an Alanis singalong was a glaring missed opportunity, but we’ll let that slide.
Highlights:
-Britney’s dad is Dan Ackroyd and he is a wooden patriarchal mess!
-Britney’s mother is Samantha from Sex and the City and she called Britney a mistake!
-Zoe Saldana has a kitten t-shirt!
-Taryn’s character has a t-shirt with her name on it, like a Degrassi character of old!
-They drove across the country, but it was the journey within that counted!
-It’s not that I had any problem with the love interest, I’m just totally indifferent to him
Unresolved odds and ends:
-Will Taryn Manning ever get to play a rich person?
-Did Shonda Rhimes really write the ‘pregnant girl falls down the stairs’ bit?
-Who thought that the rapist fiancé twist was a good idea? Please, Shonda, tell me it wasn’t you.
-I’m slightly annoyed that Zoe and Taryn didn’t show up at Britney’s door in 2007 saying ‘fuck patriarchy, let’s just grab a convertible and drive around the country singing along to Women & Songs until your life is sorted out.’
My OB has me on modified rest (can go to work; can’t do anything else) after a contraction scare earlier this week. I’m only at 21 weeks, and obviously, I don’t want to go into pre-term labor. But I’m already developing a wicked case of cabin fever, and I’m also feeling weirdly vulnerable and clingy.
At least my wife and I both have the day off today, and we’re going to make pea soup and eat sandwiches later.
Best wishes for keeping that baby in there! You can do it! I can tell you firsthand that the NICU sucks.
Thank you, and I believe it! My current theory is that it was a fibroid degenerating, and it seems (knock wood) that the indocin has put a stop to the contractions. Also, my cervix is apparently mighty. But I’ve never done any of this before, and I was scared out of my mind for a couple of days there.
Pea soup and sandwiches sound delicious. Take care! I know (believe me I know) how difficult and sucky it is rest. Good luck and gentle hugs.
Thank you! Toothless hugs are the best hugs.
That sounds cruddy, but pea soup is one of the best soups! I’m hoping to pick up some clearance ham on Monday to make some with. Hopefully you can keep busy enough to stay sane. Sending your mighty cervix and misbehaving uterus good vibes!
Thank you! I can keep plenty busy if I do all the grading I’ve got to do, though the jury’s out on whether that will improve my mental state. And I agree about pea soup! We even got croutons to make it more diner-style.
Oh man I let out an actual groan when you said “grading.”
I had an contraction scare about then, and it all turned out wonderfully well. Hoping things go well for you, too!
Thanks! It’s always comforting to hear that!
Here’s an insider secret: if your OB lets you go to work, your OB thinks everything is really fine. Glad you got some Indocin; fibroid pain in pregnancy is the fucking pits.
When do you see your OB again? By which of course I mean, I’m nosy and I want to know how long you have to be on dumb old modified rest.
21 weeks for me was THE WORST TIME because I hated being so close to the Viability Cutoff. I indulged my dramatic WORST feelings by reading lots of books about horrible things happening to moms and babies, which is maybe not the healthiest coping mechanism I could have devised.
That’s good to know! (Sorry; I always forget to check my notifications and just saw this). My next OB visit is the 11th, so two weeks. I can do this. I had a fun skin reaction to the Indocin, but it seems to have worked.
I have a giant honking fibroid that we’ve known about for ages, but the pain, while localized (now that the Indocin has done its job), seems to be coming from a different spot, so it seems likely that there’s a tiny one that was missed. I’ll bring it up with her when I see her, not that there’s really anything to do about it.
And I feel you about being so close to viability (though not close enough). I’ve been indulging those feelings too, but trying to balance it out with reading about happy outcomes. I know that even for people who go into full-fledged preterm labor (which I didn’t), there’s still a reasonable chance of carrying to term, and I’m hanging onto that knowledge as hard as I can.
Toasties, it is crazy time here at Chez Us.
1. Our housemate just bought a house! For our whole family to live in! It might fall through in the escrow period, but !!!!. It is a beautiful house that has an 80s kitchen which we are going to try to remedy, and it is on top of a (small) hill which is kind of bizarre since we are in the middle of a huge huge valley. Where did this hill come from? But it means the views are incredible.
2. Our partner, who has been job hunting steadily since early Feb, got an amazing fabulous offer for lots more money than he was previously making. Downside: Very long commute from new house.
3. We made an okcupid profile in which we are actually openly a multiple system, and some people who are not jerks have been messaging us!
It is all good but it is Too Many Things and I would really like to just lie in the sun all day drinking rum and coke and watching netflix. Instead we are about to go to our son’s Easter Egg Hunt at his preschool.
So happy for you!
Hey Toasties–
I’ve never commented and I feel bad dumping this on strangers…but you all are so wonderful and I just need someone to talk about this with.
CW: sexual assault/sexual…coercion/sketchiness.
Last week I went back to my high school for the first time in 5 years. I hated high school for a variety of reasons familiar to nerdy girls everywhere. I also had an added layer of creepy and awful to my high school experience. I had a sort of stalker, a guy who kept wanting to have sex and wouldn’t let it go. We started off as friends and then it evolved in a very one sided way. He would text me inappropriate questions about my sexuality and such under the pretense of deep conversations. He would touch me in a sexual way unexpectedly/”accidentally” (Sorry I grabbed your boob/ i tapped you on the ass type thing). it never escalated but it could have. I graduated, moved away and cut all contact immediately.
Needless to say, I was not super excited to go back to my old school but I did. The day after I went back, the alumni got a mass email. There was a rape on campus the day I was there. I went to a pretty well known prep school, so some asshole leaked the police report in the interest of making a quick buck. The school immediately went into damage control mode.
I am so…discomfited by this. First, that the assualt happened on campus. Second, the way the administration seems to be handling is concerning (much more focused on preserving their reputation than helping the victim or others affected). Third, It’s brought up all my shit. I want to say something/do something to help, but I don’t feel like I have a right to do that, as my experience was by no means comparable. I also have never spoken about it to anyone (except my therapist)and even though I want to, I fear the response
Between this and the Ghomeshi verdict, it’s been a rough week. Advice on processing this shit/self-care/maybe stuff I can do as an alumni to make sure the school handles this well is welcome. Cute animal photos are also welcome.
The first thing to do is to do some things that make you feel centered and strong, if such things exist–things that make you feel safe, or remind you of your competency, or stress the difference between your life then and your life now. Would it help to say here what some of those things are?
Were you happy with how your therapist responded when you told them about Horrible Stalker Turd Person? If so, maybe make them your first port of call–they already know the original story and you won’t need to re-explain that, just add this new horrendous news to it.
The next thing to do is to try to find out if anyone is taking on the task of advocacy for the person that Turd 2.0 assaulted, and reach out to that advocate and see if they have ways that you can help.
And another outward thing–if/when you’re feeling strong enough–might be to reach out to other alumni, maybe specifically female-identified folks, via Facebook or what have you, and draft a letter demanding that the school hold Turd 2.0 accountable/improve its sexual assault response/ implement “don’t sexually assault people” training as part of its orientation/MEET ITS FUCKING OBLIGATIONS AS AN INSTITUTION, which all of you can sign. You could do this through a petition site or just as a Google doc or something that one of you takes the responsibility for sending.
Also, go back to step 1 (doing something centering) and, if applicable, step 2 (talking to therapist) whenever you need to in this process. You are not REQUIRED to do any of these things, even the first two–but sometimes trying to work for what’s right can be healing as well.
Good luck and good courage.
I have to stuff roughly ten trillion envelopes today (because it is donor acknowledgement season!!11!1!!!) and my hands might rebel against me.
But, Drescher/Jepsen 2016 is really taking off and more and more strangers are asking me for stickers, which makes me so happy. And Fran Drescher tweeted her anti-capitalist tweets, which to me were basically a formal declaration of candidacy. When I die, please put on my tombstone “Campaign Manager for Fran Drescher and Carly Rae Jepsen’s 2016 presidential bid.”
Hodor, I have stuffed a lot of envelopes in my day. As hungover as I am right now, I would love to come over and be your happy little volunteer instead of doing my own job. You can just put me in a corner and I’ll listen to podcasts and do all your envelope stuffing.
I actually am not hating it too bad, because of the podcasts, but normally it is an intern task. But interns have Friday off, so today it is my turn!
What did we do before google?
I just asked the computer “Should my nail polish match my outfit?” and it had an answer for me.
But, like, since my outfit changes every day and sometimes more than once a day, how is it even possible to match? So then I was thinking I would match it to my hair, which has kind of an oil slick thing going on but with strong turquoise leanings, but maybe it’s ridiculous to have hair and nails matching because it will look like I’m trying too hard?
“Trying too hard” is the look I am most desperate to avoid at all times and the result is that I’m just kind of frumpy in all respects.
Holy shit I don’t know the answer but I want a picture of your hair so bad
i’ve been loving gold nail polish lately. it goes with everything, it doesn’t look like trash when it starts to chip off, and i swear it’s easier to remove. plus it makes short nails look longer, if that’s a thing you care about.
+1 to gold! It’s kind of a neutral but “lighter” for spring or w/e (CND Vinylux in Rubble is my go-to cold weather neutral).
Wet ‘n’ Wild has a nice gold in their new “gel without the light” line.
yes, i have the wet’n’wild kind i think! i’ve really been enjoying this one too. the brush shape is great for getting quick, proper coverage even with my non-dominant hand.
(and i suddenly forgot how to link with HTML) http://www.amazon.com/Sally-Hansen-Insta-Dri-Colo…
I love Sally Hansen brushes so much that I don’t buy any other nail polish now, even though I’m sure there are better brands. The flat brush shape is just so easy to use.
ALSO I have that color and have been wearing it a lot lately, it is g r e a t.
*looks at nails bitten down to the quick*
Yes, I might.
Do you do more of a soft shimmer gold or like straight up glitter
i think soft/metallic gold (or one where the glitteries are very tiny) looks more sophisticated than the real sparkly stuff, personally. and especially on short nails.
Plus the big glitter is a massive pain to get off, much as I love waving my hands around going “oooh, sparkly”
For reals. I love metallics as a neutral.
Fukkit, treat your style like decluttering your home – ask youself “does this give me joy?” and if the answer is yes, do it. If someone is going to give you a hassle for “trying too hard”, probably you don’t want to be friends with them anyway.
Um, you should do your nails in whatever color strikes your particular fancy, but if I had turquoise hair to match, I would definitely have that shade in my repertoire.
I quite often match my nails to my hair. I do tend to match them with outfits for special occasions but for everyday I do whatever takes my fancy and never think twice about whether it matches my outfit.
Holographic glitter (my current fave) goes with everything, anyway.
Maybe replace “match” with “harmonize”. I wear mostly black, gray, purple, red, turquoise. Therefore, if my nails are done in almost any cool tone, they will be in harmony with anything in my closet. Does that help?
does anyone know when the Toast Post starts?
You know, I was wondering about that too. I thought early March, but never heard.
commenting to stay in the loop on this, i was curious too.
Oh I’m so glad someone else asked. I was getting worried I missed something but didn’t want to ask again.
Last I heard, polka_stripes was saying it’ll take a few months to get everything together and make the matches. We must be patient!!!!!
Yeah, I seem to recall something about mid-April?
That’s what I remember her saying. She said it would be ~10 weeks before there would be matches. The waiting is so hard, but worth it!
Hokay. Wanna share me your tales of difficult work relationships? I have a pretty bad romance-gone-wrong-in-a-tiny-office situation and honestly, I just want the reassurance that some of the rest of you have also made mistakes at some point in your lives. Tell me all your sad tales! Bum me out/make me feel better!
Also relevant: Tales of a time when you were careless with someone’s feelings and what you learned from it, and how you forgave yourself, and how you avoid doing it ever again. 🙁
If you really want it…
After I graduated college I got a job at a car dealership. I was 22, fresh off a breakup with my HS/college sweetheart, and ready to fill up my sexual BINGO card. I had a year-ish long affair with a married car salesman, which actually ended not horribly? It was always a casual relationship and there was no drama when I broke it off to be monogamous with my current boyfriend. (This is the part where I say that, knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t get involved with a married man, but I was young and dumb and did not initiate the first time we hooked up – I don’t expect moralizing from Toasties but I always feel the need to be like, please don’t come at me with that).
The really difficult relationship there was with another car salesman, who was: emotionally unavailable, showered immediately after sex, would not snuggle and barely kissed me on the mouth, made disparaging comments about my body, wouldn’t pull into the driveway to pick me up (in Wisconsin winters, when I lived with my parents – my dad really hated that), liked to throw his money around on gambling and strip clubs…needless to say this was not a good time in my life! When I ended it with him he was…not outwardly emotional about it, but said some extremely bitter things to me about myself and my boyfriend.
When I type all this out it sounds so horrible – it’s amazing what you’ll tolerate when you don’t respect yourself very much. I have no advice but can reassure you that you are far from the only one who makes mistakes re: office romances.
Ack! I have had a work hookup situation that made things very awkward. It was a terrible decision on my part. It was painful to be around him (bc we were both embarrassed) for awhile, but it got easier and eventual sort of faded as water under the bridge.
My most recent work relationship nightmare was with my manager. In the heat of the moment (stressed to the max and she was needling me), I told my boss that I was uncomfortable with how she was favoring someone subordinate to me (with work trips, plum assignments, first class travel arrangements etc). It turned out she was a psychopath and used this information to continue the uneven treatment and basically push me out of my job. With my ongoing depression I was barely functioning and I ended up quitting just so I didn’t have a nervous breakdown via her campaign to fire me.
Later I learned she has done this at multiple previous employers and was being sued for it at her last workplace.
I moved home with no job 5 months ago. On Monday (!), I am starting a basically entry-level position making 40K less. I love my boss (we’ve already worked together before.) I will get through this!
TL, DR: People can be shits who do basically illegal things to you in the workplace.
Wow ok those both do sound terrible! Also making me realize that my sadness over this is more due to the fact that I acted recklessly and hurt the feelings of someone I feel Deep Deep Feelings for, and the fact that we work together is absolutely making it worse but that’s not the primary issue. 🙁 Really hoping this will fade and become bearable somehow, as we both are good at our jobs and otherwise happy here.
Anyway, it’s always nice to be reassured that people make mistakes too. Heartily looking forward to my therapist coming back from her vacation.
Oh my, those therapist-on-vacation moments. I know them well. You will get through this!
Toasts! It feels good to hang out with you in the Open Thread. I haven’t been around to comment as much since I started a job that keeps me away from the computer during prime Toast hours, so to be off work and on the computer feels strangely like a vacation.
I didn’t see a cat thread and I can’t resist posting a picture of my cats, but I’ll put it in reply.
Okay, so my gentleman friend and I were watching House of Cards, and in between episodes he got up to make us drinks, and while he was gone, my gray cat came and sat on the couch next to me. When the gentleman came back, he sat down next to her. This meant that the gray cat was now comfortably reclined between two humans, which she doesn’t care one way or the other about, but which is the bicolor cat’s favorite place in the world to be. The bicolor cat could hardly stand it, and she paced around for awhile, consumed by jealousy, until she came up with a solution. Which was to lay on top of the gray cat. Like, sprawled, with her feet on the gentleman and her head smushed against my elbow, and the bulk of her sizeable body squarely resting on her sister.
The gray cat was like, “This is fine.”
And so we all stayed until the next episode ended, and the gentleman and I stood up, and the bicolor cat was no longer supported between us. She was sleepy enough to ooze off to one side but not too sleepy to give us this look. The gray cat still feels that this is an acceptable situation.
Oh, they’re beautiful!
My smug Saffron post was meant to be a general cat thread but surely never feel bad about posting cat pics! They look very happy there.
gorgeous, gorgeous!
I am dying of their cuteness. Thank you for sharing this! I needed it.
Always in for cat pictures! This is Maxwell, looking disgruntled, which is a common face for him since he started having to share his house with another kit-cat. I’m jealous of your guys snuggling together! Are they siblings? If they aren’t, how long did they have to live together to get to the lounging together point? Please give me hope that mine may some day have a relationship that includes more than glares and half-assed slaps.
My catgirls are littermates, so they have never lived apart. Sometimes they get on each other’s nerves but they do love each other.
Maxwell is very handsome! I wish your cats best of luck in making friends. I know there are some things a pet owner can do to encourage cat fellowship but so much depends on their personalities, I think. Once my mom and I adopted a bunch of unrelated strays when we already had a grumpy old cat. What happened, oddly, is that all of the new cats worshipped the old cat and wanted to be near him, which he did not want at all, although he would tolerate their proximity if they were very quiet and didn’t make a fuss about it. The new boy cat was very friendly and happy to snuggle with any other cat; the new girl cat was happy to snuggle with either of the two boy cats but loathed her own kitten, as soon as the kitten grew out of kittenhood. (Yes, everyone was fixed as soon as they could be.) So, no predictions, but glares and half-assed slaps sound like they may subside when the power balance has settled.
Yeah, I think the settling is key – the new cat is young (although not a kitten anymore) and I think once her personality levels out and her energy level drops we’ll be good, since she is super submissive to Max (she regularly, literally falls at his feet). Thank you for the attempted cat bonding support!
I had this happen as well. I had a flame point Siamese, who was well down the path of cancer by the time I rescued my current two kitties out of a box next to a small grocery store. Baby dudekitty worshiped him with startling intensity and would follow him around and imitate everything he did, and when slapped down from being too close, would hover nearby and imitate even the position Papa Mingus slept in. Girl kitty also adored him, though she was more aloof. After Papa Mingus passed on, neither cat slept in the green leather wingback chair that was His Chair for a couple of years.
My two monsters are litter-mates who basically loathe one another but co-exist. Well, femmecat loathes her brother, who still enthusiastically makes overtures and gets his ass kicked for the effort. However… now that they are around seven or so, they occasionally consent to sleeping on the couch in touching distance, and they will peaceably co-exist well enough to lounge on the bed with me at the same time.
The best things we have done are making sure they have clean boxes, plenty of toys, and covet-worthy places to nap that they can alternate using.
Maxwell is a very handsome dude. I am sure he knows.
My cats (who both died recently, a few months apart, aged about 17 or 18) had been together most, if not all of, their lives (we got them as three-year-olds and they had apparently lived together in a household of four cats; we didn’t know if they were siblings), and their relationship never really developed beyond tolerance, sadly (with not-infrequent episodes of swiping at each other). It was a shame.
Breakup update in the reply, for anyone who’s interested!
I am moved in to the religiously oriented intentional community that offered me a place. The rent is reasonable. The people are awesome. We talk about chores. My housemates don’t think appreciation is a weird thing to want or to offer.
I am working part time. I live in (broadly defined) walking distance from work and therapy. There is good public transit close by for when I am short on time.
The public library is about two blocks from me, and I’ve undertaken a course of bibliotherapy, generating from “The Novel Cure” a list of 40 novels that address things that concern me these days (adultery, abandonment, aging, grieving and its attendant emotions, loneliness). I’ve been reading lots– Nora Ephron, Junot Diaz, Niall Williams. And I’ve gone off-list a number of times, too, when the library has had something shiny. (There’s a book version of “Dear White People”! It’s good!)
There are multiple Indian grocery stores close by. We are growing dark leafy greens and strawberries in the garden. People like my cooking.
I am in three choirs: one church choir, one small choir focusing on Gregorian chant, and one ambitious choir that is preparing for a May concert series featuring repertoire that is kicking my ass, but in a good way. Chanticleer rehearses in the same building, and I keep hoping to absorb some of their awesomeness by sheer proximity.
I miss B (the ex) ferociously, but I have moved everything out that I am going to need before the place where I’m currently living becomes unavailable in mid-August, and handed back my keys.
The community you’re living in right now sounds like a really wonderful retreat and place to re-orient yourself. I’m glad you found a safe place to heal.
Thank you! I’m glad I found them, too.
A thing I forgot to mention earlier: I have made enough headway on unpacking that my room now looks like a room and not a mere collection of boxes.
My system of putting things away was somewhat unconventional, since the room, which comes with furniture owned by the diocese, has two dressers and no bookshelves. I do not have two dressers worth of clothing. I do, however, have a dresser full of books.
Dresser full of books! Joy!
Mexico travel thread?
My boyfriend and I will be road tripping the Yucatan Peninsula in a couple weeks: stops in Cancun, Tulum, Chichen Itza, and Merida.
I’m nervous and excited and overwhelmed! I would LOVE any recommendations for rental car agencies, restaurants, sights and things to do, or just general travel tips for this area. We love to be adventurous but this trip will require a little more planning than our normal trips (aka getting in a car, driving 4 hours in one direction or another, and finding stuff to do where we end up)!
My only advice is not to worry! Mexico is super easy to get around – it’s very much a developed country. The roads are generally chill and well-marked. (I spent a few months road tripping around there and was way overprepared.)
Oh, this is so reassuring! I know the area we’re going is not dangerous for the reasons people might normally associate with Mexico (not a border state, no cartel activity, etc etc) but the road trip part is what is most intimidating! You say you were overprepared, but what kind of preparation would you recommend? I do have a map that I plan to mark up with our routes, but that’s really all I’ve done so far re: the driving part.
Merida is just the most beautiful place. I was thinking about going back recently, and did some research, and discovered the HI hostel that used to be there is apparently now closed. But this may be helpful: http://wikitravel.org/en/M%C3%A9rida_%28Yucat%C3%…
Do you have plans for visiting the cenotes? You should do that. I really liked the beach at Progreso, nearby, but I didn’t go to a ton of beaches so I don’t know how that stacks up. My best food was from street stands, hands down.
That is FANTASTIC, thank you! I did not know before today that wikitravel existed, I will be spending some time there. I am very excited about going to at least one cenote, but haven’t decided where yet! Thank you for the tips – I am beyond stoked to stuff my face with street food.
Just seconding the cenotes. There’s one in the ruins at Dzibilchaltun, which is smaller than Chichen Itza but has really cool pyramids and a museum and the cenote is so refreshing and lovely.
I also love the beach at Progreso, and Merida, but one thing I never would have seen on my own was the nature reserve at the very northern tip of Yucatan, I think. There are very teeny roads that are basically sandbars that you can drive out practically into the ocean and the salty foam will literally blow across you. There is a pink flamingo colony there and it’s almost imaginary–the salt flats literally turn the water pink. It is something amazing.
I just went to the Yucatan last month! We stayed in Playa del Carmen and also poked around Tulum and Cozumel. Playa (like Cancun) is super super touristy, so everything is made to be easy for the Americans. We did not rent a car, but we took buses (ADO) a lot and it was incredibly simple. We also stayed in an AirBnB, which was a great deal – I’d definitely recommend checking out the options on that site.
There is a place in Playa called Club de la Cerveza, and if you enjoy beer at all, I highly recommend stopping there. They have like 80 craft beers, mostly from Mexico, and the waitstaff were amazing. The Tulum ruins were pretty cool, though the beach there was very crowded. I would have liked to spend more time in Tulum town. We honestly spent most of the vacation finding places to eat/drink on the beach. All the food was great, whether in touristy or local restaurants. I will say that unless you are really into snorkeling or scuba, Cozumel is probably not worth visiting – it’s basically a giant cruise ship port.
You’ll find that most people in tourist-facing positions will speak English well. This includes bus drivers, store clerks, etc. It was really one of the easiest trips I’ve ever taken. The tourist infrastructure is very well established there.
Oh! And Sundays in Merida the downtown streets shut down and they have a market and cultural exhibitions and it’s all very relaxed and delightful. You can rent bikes and ride through the city.
Also also, eat panuchos!
Wanted: Toastie help on how to break up with an acquaintance/old friend (more in comment).
I recently moved to a new area of the country, and since I got here I’ve received periodic texts/messages from a high school acquaintance who lives in the area. We met at nerd camp and stayed in fairly regular contact through early college, but the last time I saw her in person was 10 years ago and the last time we spoke on the phone probably 2-3 years ago. Her life has been pretty difficult, and I know that she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, so I am sympathetic to her. That said, I do not consider us to be close friends, and I’m wary of rekindling a friendship with her due to her erratic behavior.
For example: When I was a PhD student going through my exams and we hadn’t been in touch regularly, she asked me for money. She has been cut off by every member of her family, and fired from countless jobs (this is what I gather from Facebook posts as well as occasional texts). She joined and then dramatically left a fundamentalist church. The last time we spoke on the phone (probably two years ago), she told me about her ongoing affair with her married neighbor, yet did not ask me for any updates on my own life — she didn’t even know I was in a years-long relationship. This is fairly typical of our communication.
From my perspective, we are not friends. She reaches out to me when she needs something, and when she is in crisis I have tried to be there for her (which means that we talk maybe once a year, and maybe exchange a couple Facebook messages beyond that). I am dealing with ongoing depression and anxiety, and I’m often overly sensitive to the people around me. Most recently she let me know that she took a new job that brings her directly into my area sometimes. I did not respond. I feel bad “ghosting” her, and also the idea that she’ll be in my town regularly seems to merit something more than silence. But from my point of view, telling her all of the reasons why I don’t want to be friends seems cruel since we haven’t been in regular contact for so long, and since I know a lot of her behavior is a result of a mental illness that she likely has very little control over. I thought I’d sent her a pretty clear message when I first moved out here and did not get in touch. What should I do?
I ghosted on a toxic friend once. It was likely a bit immature of me, to not want to have that breakup discussion. But as you said, detailing all the reasons that a person is a bad friend is not particularly helpful to either party. In my case, I suspect that she would not have really “heard” me anyway, and just gotten defensive. I still think about her now, 10 years later, and I don’t know how to feel about the situation. She was mean, self-centered, defensive, dismissive of my problems, and extremely judgmental. I know I would still be trapped in a borderline abusive “friendship” with her if I hadn’t cut it off, but sometimes I feel guilty that I ghosted. She did not have a nice family, and suffered from some emotional problems.
SO, I don’t know if this counts as advice, but friend breakups are just as hard as romantic ones, and in the end you need to look out for your own emotional well being, even if it doesn’t end up feeling 100% awesome to have ended that relationship.
It feels like such a nasty thing to do, but really, you have to look out for yourself first. If she doesn’t take the hint from your non-response (which she probably won’t), I’d reword the first part of your last paragraph in an email to her:
“From my perspective, we are not friends. You reach out to me when you need something, and when you are in crisis I have tried to be there for you. But I am dealing with ongoing depression and anxiety, and I’m often overly sensitive to the people around me. Most recently you let me know that you took a new job that brings you directly into my area sometimes. I did not respond. I feel bad “ghosting” you, but from my point of view, telling you all of the reasons why I don’t want to be friends seems cruel since we haven’t been in regular contact for so long.” And then finish with something like “However, I fear you misunderstood my silence and lack of response. Please understand I don’t have the resources to continue even a casual friendship with you.”
Best wishes with this. Remember you are not a bad person for wanting to put your own needs above hers.
If she is not a friend, a polite ” no, thank you” when she suggests connecting seems sufficient to me. No need for explanation or excuse.
It’s a tough situation in which to find yourself. I would have problems with it as well. That said, self-care is paramount. You sound like you need your resources for yourself right now, and assisting someone who demands more than you have to give at the best of times is not conducive to managing depression or anxiety. It’s okay to enforce your boundaries to manage your own care, even if someone else in need asks for your help.
I agree wholeheartedly with everything Miss Catherine said. No need for explanations or excuses, period, full stop.
Banana scrambled eggs. I think my mom might have come up with it when she had the munchies, but I grew up with it as a treat and I love it so much and anyone I manage to feed it to thinks I am insane.
i just read a recipe for a paleo breakfast bowl that has banana scrambled eggs as the base and then is topped with coconut and fruit and stuff, and i thought it sounded pretty good.
My first reaction was horror, but then I remembered I’ve had flourless banana pancakes that were pretty much egg+mushed banana+shredded coconut and they were delicious, so perhaps your mom was on to something.
i just came back to say i made that breakfast bowl and banana scrambled eggs are awesome. i added the coconut flakes to my eggs so they’d soften up and it’s great comfort food!
Today is the start of a four-day weekend (while I find it objectively really weird that my country has an established church, I do enjoy the time off work), and my library closed at 2pm yesterday so I have already been able to spend lots of time relaxing; it is glorious. Today I woke up at about 10, had breakfast, and then slept again from about 12.30 to 2.30 (I sleep a lot when not at work, which is mildly conerning – effect of my antidepressants, or just being a very sleepy person?) and then watched Call the Midwife in my pyjamas and cried at it. I intend to follow a similar pattern for the rest of Easter.
O hai! Maybe you’ve seen me try to be funny in earlier link roundups/open thread. Anyway…My husband and I have been working to be approved to foster-to-adopt in our state since last fall. We got a call today asking whether we can take twin boys (I’m obsessed with twins) and we had to say no primarily because just 1.5 weeks ago we discovered serious structural problems with the house that impact the to-be kids’ bedroom as well as our own (the original house is 300 yo, other problem area is a 1845 “modern” addition).
Any suggestions on the fastest way to get shit fixed and/or pay for it when the bank says a home equity loan is unlikely since we just bought 2 yrs ago? (A friend said some might qualify for reimbursement from homeowners insurer so I’m just wondering if there’s other things i’m not aware of because I don’t adult in this particular area)
Any advice for dealing with SAD-induced being-hungry-all-the-time? I can just have eaten lunch, and my brain is like “MUST HAVE BACON.” I just want to eat fatty/greasy/carby foods all the time and it’s actually distracting how much I think about food some days.
I’m not sure this is really “dealing with it,” but I usually cope by eating massive quantities of air-popped popcorn. It’s tasty, it’s easy, you can put infinite flavors on it, and it’s not nearly as bad for you as eating bacon all day long.
I’ve been using my favorite hard candy to keep my mouth busy between meals.
i allocate myself a couple of days when i’m allowed to eat however i want, and the rest of the time i have to eat like a regular person, regardless of how hungry i am. it helps my brain to think ‘i can have that on friday’. Doesn’t always work, but it’s the best I can manage. Mostly I just pray for spring to come.
As someone who still deals with an obsessive-compulsive eating disorder, I HEAR YOU and if by “some days” you mean more than a couple times a year, maybe you might want to look into some sort of long-term resolution for it that goes beyond a quick fix. Myself, I had to completely overhaul my entire approach to eating and cut out all my trigger foods permanently (most of which I later discovered I had allergies to).
Good luck, whatever your particular situation.
It’s not all the time, just in the winter when SAD is getting to me.
Oh, good! Happy for you for that. I hope you find a good way to manage!
I found out that most of my symptoms were from a massive vitamin D deficiency. 5000 iu a day and my sugar and fat cravings went way down. Maybe that’s something to try?
(I am so late to this, thank you Good Friday)
Toronto Toasties! We’re doing a meetup next Saturday on April 2 at 5:00. Come if you can!
Join our Facebook group for more details! https://www.facebook.com/groups/778422305518416/
Thanks again to everyone who commented on my birth control replacement last week! I did it today and it was ok! An improvement over when I first got it.
Congratulations!!!
Oof, this got long, so I’m doing it in a reply instead. Warning for talk about child abuse and corporal punishment and flashbacks.
Last weekend I visited the hardware store, as I’d been advised by my step-dad to get a dowel rod to secure my sliding glass back door. A helpful employee took me to the area where dowel rods of all sizes stand upright in this case, and…I took one look at them, with their range of sizes distinguished by colored ends, and immediately recognized them as the exact same thing my dad used to hit me with.
I distinctly remembered standing in another hardware store (it must have been, though I don’t remember the name) thousands of miles away in Texas, watching him pick one out for that exact purpose. I don’t know if he said it at the time (he might’ve, he had no qualms about his practices of corporal punishment), but I knew exactly what it was for. There’d been similar objects in the past (another I distinctly remember: a spiked, slender tomato stake) and would be others in future (the last was a traditional wooden spoon, on which he wrote Bible references and “CPS approved”).
Back to present day. The employee was asking me what size I wanted. It took me a minute to wrench my mind back to the matter at hand, to being an independent adult doing a responsible thing by improving home security and taking the advice of a non-toxic male figure in her life. I examined my finger to remember the width of an inch, knuckle to knuckle, made a guess as for the right width, and he took one away to cut it down to size for me.
I walked away to find the second thing I’d come to the store for, but it was still hard to focus. I didn’t feel nauseated, I hadn’t been triggered as you might expect. It’s not an exceptional trauma. I’m sure every child who’s experienced corporal punishment (especially with any degree of harshness, the sort that leaves bruises, as mine did) would instantly recognize the implements used to hit them in much the same way. I was just hit with a wave of memories and feelings about corporal punishment, which I’ve explored in my adult life.
There are so many people today who don’t mind the fact that they were hit as kids, who would even thank their parents for improving their character in some way. Who wouldn’t see a problem with being vividly struck by such memories (flashbacks, even) at the mere sight of dowel rods in a hardware store.
But I stand by one of my favorite illustrative stories about corporal punishment: there was a mother with a small son, maybe 5 or 6. She did not like to resort to corporal punishment, and in fact had never done so yet in her son’s life. But finally he misbehaved so badly that she told him to go get a switch from the yard. He was gone for several minutes, then returned crying, holding a rock. He said, “I couldn’t find any switches, but here’s a rock you can throw at me instead.” (And then she burst into tears and hugged him and did not beat him, then or ever.)
Also, I stand by something Don Draper said in Mad Men, when Betty told him to paddle their kids: “My uncle beat me regularly within an inch of my life. It never made me do anything but fantasize about killing him.”
I want to hug you, gently, a LOT. Is that okay? Because you deserve so, so, so many hugs.
More than okay. *hugs back, as well as all the children who grew up getting hit*
Oof, that is an unfair way for your day to be disrupted. I’m so sorry. 🙁
That is really, really rough; I’m sorry.
Your father sounds like he was way more dedicated(??)* to that than mine was, but mine had his moments sometimes. And sometimes something will just suddenly remind me and it’ll hit me like a wave and all my brain will think is, “My father tried to strangle me once. He had me against the wall with both hands around my throat. He might have killed me if my nose hadn’t started bleeding so hard.” And it’s not exactly like a flashback, not exactly like trauma, but it feels like a daze, like I’m only just realizing this, like I hadn’t already known that and I’m just wrapping my head around it for the first time. For me, it also doesn’t feel the way people describe being triggered feels–It feels just kind of like having a mental fog suddenly that’s hard to break through for a minute.
And it’s strange and it’s hard to explain (and I admit that I’ve rarely tried) and it’s hard sometimes to know that that can happen to you on an otherwise ordinary day every once in a while and somehow you still feel mostly normal and well-adjusted anyway. (However “normal and well-adjusted” is measured.)
I remember on due South once getting to an episode where Ray Vecchio said, “I learned two things from my father. One: Timing. Mostly when to duck. And two: You never hit a kid, ’cause it doesn’t teach him anything.” And that line has always kind of resonated with me the way the one you mentioned from Don Draper did with you.
So I’m so sorry anyone has to have the kinds of memories that make you have those moments and I’m so sorry you did.
*That is the wrong word. That is a terrible word for it. I’m sorry.
Holy shit, I am so upset for you. And that feels so much worse to me than what happened to me, because my dad always stuck to the areas/methods that were supposedly “acceptable” (which was horribly frustrating in its own way, because so many adults didn’t take it seriously — including the actual CPS, whom my mom called once when I was 10, and after that investigation my dad wrote “CPS approved” on his implements). And it goes back to that switch/rock story I told in my above comment.
And it’s not exactly like a flashback, not exactly like trauma, but it feels like a daze, like I’m only just realizing this, like I hadn’t already known that and I’m just wrapping my head around it for the first time. For me, it also doesn’t feel the way people describe being triggered feels–It feels just kind of like having a mental fog suddenly that’s hard to break through for a minute.
*hugs you* I think our brains try to protect us a lot with repression, by not letting us remember or think of it as often as we might otherwise.
I mind the fact that you were hit as a kid and I mind the fact that I was too.
For me, the times it was planned, the plan communicated to me, and the the plan calmly executed some time later were so much worse than the times it happened spontaneously because of their blind anger. The most powerful article I ever read in favour of why hitting kids is such a terrible thing to do called that anticipation of waiting to be hit “a psychological suspense that no child is equipped to manage.”
So I understand why it might be especially disturbing to your day to be reminded of the deliberate planning that would make someone add ‘implement for beating my child” to their hardware store shopping list and to be reminded of your own knowledge, while he was buying it, of exactly what it was for.
I’m so sorry that it happened to you then and that it disrupted your day today. I hope that you can treat yourself extra nicely for the next few days.
*hugs you very hard* Thank you so much for this comment; it means a lot to me.
Holy shit, you brought up an aspect (that psychological suspense) I hadn’t considered or studied before. That is absolutely true — I vividly, vividly remember the moments between the communication and execution of the punishment. Those really were the worst: it was literally a gut-wrenching terror, and all the things my brother and I did to try to mitigate it.
There are few principles I believe in more strongly than this: no child deserves to be hit as a form of discipline. Andrew Sullivan is wrong about a lot of things, but I will forever hold this quote among my favorites:
“Hitting people, especially when those people are small and defenseless and dependent on your care, is such a lazy and cruel way to discourage bad behavior.”
(Louis C.K. is someone else who has said wrong things, but was right about this.)
*Hugs you back*
“a traditional wooden spoon, on which he wrote Bible references and “CPS approved””
Wow. I don’t even know what to say about that. It’s just dreadful and I’m sorry.
Here’s the funny thing (not funny at all): he was mentally ill in a way that was somewhere lower on the visibility scale than “raving mad,” but definitely a thing where if you met him and talked to him for more than 30 seconds, you’d realize something was off.
And yet he still had engineering and law degrees. He was almost always self-employed, because he couldn’t keep a job that involved regular interaction with other people (his bosses couldn’t stand him).
He still got full custody of us, an eight and four year old, after the divorce. Because fuck the Texas family judicial system, that’s why.
(I want to add a disclaimer that I’m doing really well now, and that’s true, but it’s also true that my brother killed himself at 19. However, I don’t lay that completely at my dad’s feet; my brother was also mentally ill, likely paranoid schizophrenic, and he was right at the age where it rears up its ugly head in the worst way. So, like most things, it was a combination of nature and nurture. At least my mother, step-dad, and myself don’t blame ourselves, we know we did all we could.
But I’ve had a lifetime of sorting out mental illness from personal agency/culpability, trying to decide how much I’m allowed to hate/blame my dad for and what he couldn’t help doing.)
Ditto on Miss Catherine’s gentle hugs. Internet hugs are gentle.
Last week you told me in the OT that you appreciated me when I was having a rough go, and I can’t tell you how uplifting it was. I showed Mr. Editor and was like, “I have people!” & it made me cry in a good way. And so this week, I get to tell you how much I appreciate YOU on The Toast. And you are loved here. A lot.
And just. Isn’t it great that we get to be grownups with agency and independence and a sense of self that we get to share with each other on the internet whilst cleaning out our inboxes (or other mundane work maintenance) on Fridays?
Awww! YES, the Toast community is so, so good, and I am so thankful to Nicole and Mallory for going to all the effort of creating and moderating this space for us.
I keep thinking of what a difference it would have made a few years ago, when I was having the roughest relationship of my life. I had a couple good friends advising me then, but this community (including people at all different stages of life, some of whom I know have been through very similar experiences) would have brought a whole different level of insight and might have made a bigger difference sooner. It is so weird to think that The Toast literally did not exist in 2012, though.
But even though internet communities have literally created my best friends since I was 13 (unsurprisingly, my dad did not allow me to socialize), I’ve been slow/cautious about opening up here (especially the Friday open threads, as whenever I saw them they already had around a thousand comments, and that seemed too intimidating to jump into, like whatever I might say would just be swallowed up in the sea anyway). But my little dabbling interactions have been really rewarding so far, and I hope we continue to stay in touch.
I am so sorry. I hope you’re feeling better.
My dad was hit with a wooden spoon by his parents (very Catholic; he now considers them abusive). Corporal punishment can cause such long-lasting harm, and I’m very sorry you’re having to deal with it.
Who wants to talk about the newest Neko Atsume update?
(The sugar yard and the tea tray add way too much delight to my life)
OH I must update immediately.
There’s two new commons and two new rares, that are ADORABLE, one new yard, and loads of cute new stuff! It actually made my day yesterday.
MORE CATS!!
There were five or six cats on the my tea tray last time I checked.
IT’S SO CUTEEEE
What what what??? Must update!!
Yayyyyy I had stopped playing because o unlocked everything so I would have missed the update completely!
I got the two common cats already and I’m going for the tea tray now. Squeee!!!
Apricot is adorable! And Ganache!
You have brought me the best news I have had in days. Weeks, maybe.
Planning to make Eggs in Hell for dinner tonight, because somehow that seems very appropriate for Good Friday? Recipe here, v. excited: http://www.thecookingjar.com/eggs-hell-shakshuka/
This might be a little too late, and pertains more to my last week (this week has been better, thanks to dumb cat games, face masks, and good friends), but…anxiety tips?? Putting more in the comments, just to be safe.
Okay. So the Toast is generally amazing about discussing this kind of stuff, so going to post more here. Anyways, I’ve struggled with anxiety and etc my entire life. It ebbs and flows. Sometimes, I’m completely fine and functional and YAY THE WORLD IS GREAT, and then other times, I’m completely stressed out and a mess. And then other times, everything seems fine, but then the Jaws theme just sneaks up and rears its ugly head and it’s really, really bad, like last week. Long story short–I’m in grad school right now, and have perfectionist leanings. Am taking a class this semester, with a demanding professor. Got a paper back, with rather caustic comments, and then just suddenly, was so, so angry and upset and just lost it in front of everyone, which was embarrassing in more ways than one. People have been really understanding about it, which is nice, and this week has been better, but I guess I’m looking for tips and tricks from anyone who has or is struggling with this too. Just…how do you keep the Jaws theme at bay?
I spent the end of that week in a nasty fog too, just feeling like everything felt dark and pointless and all that other fun stuff–which, the recovery from something like that is also draining and horrible–and I guess I’m just rambling now, but again any tips or commiseration would be appreciated.
I’m so sorry your anxiety is being such a jerk right now. When I feel the most terrible, I find journaling to be really helpful. I resisted it for a while because I thought it was corny and stupid, but somehow just getting things out of my head really helps me calm down. Plus, it gives my brain something to do that isn’t “anxiety thought spiral.”
You mentioned it ebbs and flows — have you been able to pin down what may make it worse? I know mine has a lot to do with weather/sunlight, menstruation and hormones, and presence/absence of physical activity. Obviously those things tend to interact and can make each other worse, but if I can take a look around me and go “oh wait it’s been raining for three straight weeks and I haven’t gotten out on a hike or bike ride in three weeks which means my sleep is all jacked up,” then I can remind myself to do my CBT exercises and meditation and stuff. Good luck and I’m sorry again you are struggling.
I’ve had “buy a journal” on my list forever now, and need to actually follow through. I used to journal CONSTANTLY in high school, but have fallen out to the habit over the years. It’s amazing though, and I want to get back into the habit.
Thanks for all the other advice too! I’ve been trying to do more little things this week, like remembering to take vitamins and reading good books and all of that stuff, so that’s been helping some. Hopefully it continues that way.
Internet hugs to you, you are so not alone on this. Yesterday I was having trouble to get a piece of equipment to work and when it became clear it was a really easy fix that I had spent HOURS failing to do, I had a huge meltdown in lab. Brains suck sometimes.
Are you seeing any type of therapist? I started seeing a counselor during my first year in grad school and it’s been incredibly helpful. Anxiety and perfectionist tendencies are SO common in grad students, so student health could be a really good resource. That is very variable by school, though – my undergrad’s mental health resources didn’t have a great reputation, but I’ve had wonderful experiences with my current institution.
I’ve found mindfulness/meditation helpful. There are a ton of apps, I like Headspace. Grad school is really, really hard. Take time for yourself, exercise, get outside, make sure you don’t neglect self care.
Thanks for the Internet hugs!
I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was a preteen. I’ve had a hard time finding someone where I am now. I went to my school’s counseling service last year and had a really negative experience (the advice was basically “it’s all in your head, calm down”) so I’ve been hesitant ever since, but I was considering going again and requesting to see someone else? I’ve found counseling to be really wonderful when it HAS been effective, but it has just been hard to find some good (and affordable, since I live in Boston, and private therapists are super expensive). I might try again though, just because having someone to regularly talk to could be nice.
I’ll definitely look into apps. I’ve been trying to make time for good things this week more, which has helped in general. Grad school is definitely not the best for anxiety. I need it for the career I want, and have a year left in my program, but am definitely at a point where I’m going to be really thrilled when I’m done.
“It’s all in your head,” are you shitting me? Um, yes, that’s why you went for counseling. I can’t even. No advice, just outrage.
The outrage is appreciated!
“It’s all in your head” from a therapist. I blacked out a little from rage there.
If you can’t find a therapist that has some kind of special arrangement or payment plan for students (asking orgs that work on mental health resources in your area might help), can you find one somewhere else who can talk to you through Skype? I’ve seen this kind of arrangement mentioned a few times now.
There’s a Fiona Apple song, “Paper Bag,” where someone tells her “it’s all in your head” and her reaction was “I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy.”
Fiona Apple is generally the best and she also offers PRACTICAL advice for your daily living.
Yesterday I almost cried in a shitty mall because I had run into someone I vaguely knew and got really panicked because I hate surprise social encounters and blurted out a bunch of stupid things, some of which were not even true! It just kinda welled up in me. And now I’m reliving every single time I’ve done a stupid thing in public, which is like one a week for my entire life, so, like.
I don’t want to be dismissive of our weird pointless emotional moments, but also, maybe there was a grain of truth in your anger about those caustic comments that’s worth weeding out and following up on? I think everyone else’s suggestions are valuable, but it could be nice to meditate on and articulate what precisely was unfair about what that professor did (without you having to confront them). It can lead to strategizing about how not to fall into future traps.
Blah, anxiety sucks! I’m sorry to hear that you’re dealing with that, especially in grad school, which is stressful to begin with.
For me therapy was definitely helpful, but it was a matter of finding the right person/approach. I’m very sorry to hear about your negative experience with your school’s counseling service; I’m really annoyed on your behalf, because anxiety is a very common, treatable thing! Especially in a college/university environment! Counselors should totally know how to deal with that, without making you feel bad.
Anyways on to some hopefully practical suggestions. The specific type of therapy that helped me with my anxiety was a kind of cognitive behavioral therapy called “mindfulness based cognitive therapy.” One of the key tenets of this type of therapy was the idea of cognitive defusion, which means learning to see your worries for what they are – just passing thoughts and emotions and sensations – rather than as concrete truths, so that you don’t have the same spiraling response to them. There are all sorts of exercises that you can do to help with that. There was a book we used called “The Worry Trap” that was very helpful. Journaling and meditation were also good.
Good luck!! It’s going to be ok, grad school is tough but you will make it through. 🙂
I’m so over today.
It’s Good Friday. Doesn’t that mean we should all be at home mourning Jesus in our sweatpants?
Asking (honestly!) for a friend: does anyone know someone who does or would be willing to do freelance publicity for a LGBT romance novel? I have a friend whose first book is coming out this spring with a very small press, too small to have a publicity department. My friend is handling some of that himself, but is thinking about hiring a publicist. No idea what the usual rates are for the work, or what my friend is able to pay, but if you know of any resources or individual freelancers I’d be delighted to pass along the information.
Get thee to your local independent bookstore. Ask if there are any publicists they recommend. Ask if there are any other local authors in the area who write romance or LGBT fiction who might be a good sounding board. Indie bookstores are a wealth of literary support.
Don’t expect the bookstore to throw a launch party or even stock the book–many have small budgets and strict requirements. But most want the literary community in their city to thrive, and will offer your friend a couple resources to connect with good publishing and publicist folks.
Hello Toasties! i am seeking a bit of career advice.
I currently work in the economic research field, where I am essentially a middle-management minion, answerable to Economics Professors in a distant land, and accountable to my wonderful team of associates that directly implement research projects and while kicking ass and taking names.
I am considering my next career move, which is essentially either becoming an upper-management “development professional” of some sort, or getting a PhD and directly implementing my own research agenda.
Question 1: does anyone have any thoughts about the relative wisdom of these two paths in a yellow wood? I like managing people, but I feel like it will likely get old in a couple of years, and I am likely to hit a career ceiling in an academic field (Economic professors generally are pretty snobby about recognizing the expertise of non-academics). On the other hand, I know that committing to a PhD program might be committing to 5 years of intense emotional strain and self-exploitation. My ideal career scenario (which I am not sure exists), is to run a small monitoring & evaluation entity, and work on organizational strategy / management about 50% of the time, and conduct my own research in that field 50% of the time. So this is not a tenure-track dream. My PIs conduct about 10 projects at any given time; I would be happy to put out one paper every 3 years.
Currently, I am leaning towards going into a PhD program. But after some initial research, I am actually leaning towards a degree in Management. I am really fascinated by the way that organizations change, and how they can become more effective. I am also really interested in how people inside organizations decide to make changes to their organization, or how they motivate themselves to carry out the organizational mission. Management programs address these issues more specifically than Economics, and also allow me to draw on the insights of psychology, political science, and sociology to conduct more qualitative research and theoretical contextualization.
Question 2: So far, I have been talking to my PI overlords, and they seem to think that an Economics degree would be more valuable. And I have talked to a few people in Management programs that have been fantastic, but don’t understand how what I want to do (or my background) fits into their programs. Is it a bad sign if I can’t convince other people besides my own self that this is a good path for me? Any general suggestions for changing academic disciplines mid-stream, or (through some internet niche miracle) suggestions about the relative value and interest of a Management program vs. an Economics program?
In summary: please help. Lots of career self-doubt happening up in here.
If you can see a path of some kind and you think you have value at it, and it’s what you want to do, take the classes that get you there. My career path has unfolded such that the thing I wanted to do when I graduated and wrote my MA on is now a hot emerging field, some 8 years after I thought there were no careers in it. I weaseled my way into a certification program and went for it.
Your bosses are going to lean towards advising you to take a similar path that they took because its the one they know more intimately. You’re also looking at a multidisciplinary concentration, so that’s going to confuse a lot of people. But those crossover fields are where possible new professions emerge.
If you go for a PhD, is there room to cross disciplines in search of what you want? I have a friend who started out in physics and kind of ended up in economic research about maximizing choices. Not personally understanding complex math I can’t tell you more about what it was, but he was stubborn about following his interest and it seems to have paid off for him.
The economic factor is you pay for an MA, and not for PhDs. As a cynical person i’d say if you have complex academic dreams, go PhD, and then if you hate it, leave before your defense with an MA, as several people I know did.
Also cynically, a lot of management and business schools are geared towards helping someone succeed in a profession, which is very different set of skills to helping someone in academia. Will the management school you want to go to be academically rigorous enough for the kind of research you want? I was once in a hybrid class made up of people from my grad program and the business school and they told us how to properly cite sources on the first day. That was aimed at the business school folks. There might be more room to design a program of study by actually pulling on courses from psychology, political science, and sociology than using the conclusions relied on in management programs. Especially sociology, which does get deeply into evaluative research. You might want to look around at niche programs in various schools. For instance my alma mater has a doctorate in geography that is extremely broad: http://www2.clarku.edu/departments/geography/grad… and it rang some bells for me. One of my friends ended up at the Santa Fe institute and that also was sort of across disciplines and creative.
Hi! I know this is super late, but I remembered seeing this on Friday and wanting to reply. This is my first comment here, but I have some possibly relevant advice/experience. I have a PhD in economics and work at an applied research firm with a bunch of other types of social scientists. It sounds like your research interests lie more in the area of Organizational Behavior (which would be in a business school/management program) or Organizational Psychology (which would be in a psych department). The good thing is that the lines are pretty blurred across the social sciences, and it ultimately might not matter which discipline you go into. You can typically do research in your area of interest regardless of field, it just might take some work building a good interdisciplinary dissertation committee. The tools will slightly differ by discipline, but you can address the same questions.
Getting a PhD is pretty brutal, but it feels great when you’re done! In my experience, business programs tend to have much smaller classes and more investment in each student, while econ programs are larger and more inclined to weed people out. I don’t know too much about psych or sociology departments, but these degrees tend to be lower on the pay scale even when the work is similar. Or there’s always the MBA option, which is shorter, more applied, more expensive, but also pays well if you go to a top program.
If you want more advice specifically about economics, feel free to email me at cvb at utexas dot edu. You probably already know this, but economists have a tendency to be abrasive and sexist, which can be a bit emotionally draining on top of the burden of coursework and dissertation work. That’s one thing that I wasn’t fully aware of but that has consistently been the largest factor in making me question whether being an economist was a good choice. The plus side is that research and teaching can be so fun and continually challenging. Idk, life decisions are the worst, but good luck and please email me if I can help!
Toasts! I set aside today as a vacation day and so far I’ve slept in, knocked a procrastinated writing task out of the way, and eaten avocado toast for lunch. And I’m about to go do a bit of clothes shopping and maybe take a good long walk if it doesn’t start raining.
Also, last weekend I went to a karaoke place (friend’s birthday party) for the first time in…15 years, I think? I’m a terrible singer, but we all had a lot of fun and now I want to go back and sing more bad renditions of songs from my youth. So it’s been a pretty good week, all told.
(I’m trying to think of weird foods I love, as opposed to weird foods I’ve tried for the sake of trying them, but none are coming to mind right now.)
We seem to be having the same day, but out of order! I had avocado toast for breakfast, did some clothes shopping this morning, got a lot of work done on side projects, neatened and cleaned and am looking to go on a walk this evening (cause it rained this morning!)
So, I did a terrible thing and I’m appealing for guidance from you wise ladies.
At happy hour a few weeks ago, I said some horrible things about someone who considers me a friend and I’m 99.9999% she overheard. They were things I actually feel, but I know they are also things that she would be sensitive about and are not nice. And I basically said that I exploited our relationship to get cool experiences. She’s someone that I like in a one-on-one situation, but is really stressful for me in group settings, which is what this was.
I’ve already been told that I should be a better person, which is true and I will try to be, but that isn’t terribly helpful in the present. Is it a good idea to reach out to apologize, or would that be me selfishly trying to make myself feel better? And what would I even say? I may run into her at a work event next week, if that makes a difference.
Oof, I think we’ve all been in a situation like that (I have multiple times, and on both sides of it), and it’s rough, especially if you have the tendency to beat yourself up over things.
I notice you say she considers you a friend, but since you phrased it that way, do you not consider her a friend? I think it would be different if this were a dear friend who you were complaining about, since you’d want to salvage the relationship, but in this case, I think it might just be best to let it go, especially since you aren’t totally sure she heard you. You aren’t close enough to know whether you hurt her or not, so I think the apology would come off a little selfishly, especially if she didn’t actually overhear, and if she did overhear, it might be her wakeup call to stop spending time on someone who doesn’t reciprocate her feelings.
Going forward, I’d just focus on being nice to her, but maybe stop accepting invitations to do things with her? You’re not a bad person for not wanting to be her friend, but you do have to stop using her as a friend if that’s the case.
Thanks you – that’s a great point – she is not someone that I honestly consider a friend (perhaps it’s more accurate that I can’t fairly consider her a friend because of how I feel with her sometimes), more of an acquaintance. We used to see each other more frequently but now only talk a couple times a year, usually in a work related context (we’re not at the organization, but are in the same field). If she didn’t hear anything and does remain friendly, I’ll be mindful to shift into a professional rather than personal relationship.
Pretty much what sausagedog said. And be prepared to lose maybe a couple more relationships over it and own the fact that you probably deserve to lose them. I disagree that trying to be a better person isn’t helpful in the present. I mean, really, that’s all you can do, is try to do better in the future since you can’t change the past.
As for how to deal with her in particular, accept the fact that you’re not going to get any more cool experiences out of her and if she approaches you, be apologetic but up front about your mistakes and don’t lead her on again.
Thank you for the gentle, but tough love! –you and sausagedog are completely correct. It’s not the first time I’ve said mean things that I regret and it’s essential that I work on it – feeling bad about it afterward isn’t what’s needed.
You’re welcome! And please know that I’m speaking as a (mostly) reformed Terrible Person. I sympathize with what you’re going through, here. It sucks, and emotional growth is the fucking worst, ugh. But it’s worth it. Mostly. Eventually.
Do Toasties have any recs for things to do in Philly? Vegetarian, nerdy, and relaxing is how I want my visit to go.
Go to the Franklin Institute!
Amalgam Comics & Coffeehouse?
Mütter Museum always (although not for the squeamish maybe?)
Wedge and Fig for tea and cheese-buying.
Nan Zhou Hand Drawn Noodle House for homemade tasty noodle soup (cash only).
Art Star for local art and crafts.
Khyber Pass Pub because their vegan BBQ pulled pork is delicious and satisfying.
Check out Vedge! It’s vegan with a killer cocktail list. Also the pop exhibit at the PMA!
ATTN: Autistic Toasties:
In case you missed the first go-around, there is now a Google Group for Toasties with autism to gather, support, and chat with each other about the effect autism has had on our lives. Please join us! Officially diagnosed or self-diagnosed – all are welcome!
If you’d like an invitation to join, just email me at [email protected]
I’ve had the first phase of being professionally organized this week, and among other things I found some pictures of me from my college graduation in 2004. And I genuinely am not begging for compliments or trying to humblebrag, but I looked at them and was like “Wow. I was. . .pretty.” Not drop dead gorgeous or anything, but way way more than I have ever thought of myself, since I was about seven. And it is super, super disorienting because I generally hate my appearance so much that I’ve only been photgraphed maybe ten times since these pictures were taken, and I have at least since I was in high school. So I have these weird feels, like it seems like I should feel good, but at the same time I’m partly like “gee, I wasted that,” and part of it is like “welp, it’s not actually my face or body that leads to me being un-romantic-loveable, so it must be my personality” and part of it I guess is just stirring up my regrets about not having had more fun/resisted my parents’ pressure and bad advice more than I did, and having totally fallen out of touch with all these people. It’s all just really strange and out-of-body-ish.
You are beautiful.
Oh my goodness. I just want to give you a hug. You are not unlovable. You did not waste anything. (I mean, unless you spent the last 10 years refusing to do anything pleasant, in which case I highly recommend therapy, eating things that taste good, and reading good books for starters of pleasant things). Seriously… Sometimes I also sit back and think “I wasted those years” (mine were wasted with alcohol mostly) and then I have to remind myself, I was doing the best I knew how to take care of myself and make my life enjoyable, and now that I’m not hiding behind [a bottle] [insert thing that has kept you from living your best life] think of all the wonderful experiences I will have!
You have a wonderful smile. I hope you get lots more chances to use it!
I know this feeling! I looked at pictures of myself from high school not too long ago and whereas EVERYONE (my family, my classmates, society, whatev) kept reinforcing this idea that I was ugly, I was actually fine. I don’t know what the moral of the story is, except that I am trying not to squirm out of view if someone wants to take a picture. These things take time, I guess.
Ooooooh, I understand this completely. I look back at pictures from high school and I remember how I thought I was SO SO heavy. And I am now 20+ pounds heavier and I like myself just fine. I wish I could go back and tell myself that it didn’t matter, I was great and healthy.
You are lovely and high school/college insecurity is the worst.
So, many months ago, I had chatted with a couple of Toasties about the possibility of interviewing my mom about working in construction in the Rocky Mountains in the 70s. I got a few of the details wrong–she was working in helicopter logging in Idaho, actually–but…I did it. And I’m really proud of it!
It’s on my blog if anyone is interested: http://urspostrophe.com/2016/03/25/my-skepticism-…
(too impatient to learn how to hyperlink in intensedebate right now!)
That. Was. Amazing. Thanks to you and your mom! I loved/hated the bit where she talks about how the men wished she was more feminine. WTF. MEN.
Me TOOOO. Thank you for reading!
Nice! We need a Toast series of people interviewing their moms. Just, life stories, by moms of Toastfolk.
that is wonderful!! I’ll have to share it with my college roommate – she was very into forestry and trailwork back in undergrad, and always one to appreciate badass women 🙂
That was so cool!!! I adore the idea of your mom reading radical feminist(?) literature all by herself up in the mountains! And the pictures are fantastic of course.
I think I am going to make a meditation/walking labyrinth in my backyard to celebrate Ostara. Birdseed or flower petals/greens? Who has made one before with practical (or esoteric) wisdoms to share?
Holidays in my family have been pretty lackluster at best and grim otherwise since my brother died unexpectedly. Being an only child has not been fun. There’s always my mom, bringing a bright spot, trying to hard to get past her won grief and make things lovely, but it’s just different. I started with a desire to make things better for her, but realized I want it for myself, too, and I want my own little family to have memorable, unique holidays that we will look forward to and then really remember with deep fondness and appreciation. I resolved last winter that I wanted things to be different, and it felt like it was the right time to innovate and energize. I’m also secretly using the opportunity to integrate some more fun pagan stuff instead of going by the Hallmark calendar.
With that in mind, we’re dressing up for Easter Sunday dinner, I am making baskets and giving tiny, silly spring gifts, including a mondo basket for my toddler and one for my partner (who grew up JW and has no experience with how to holiday). We are going to EGG HUNT!! I’m also doing the walking labyrinth. Mom, le bebe, and I are going to do our own little Ostara ritual with planting a section of new garden. My grandmother is now in hospice at home, and in part the dressing up is for her. It means a lot to her, so I am going to make sure she gets a chance to see us all in a way that nods to her ideal so that she has a sense of completeness and closure with feeling like this last generation she will meet is in good hands and things are Officially Going Very Well.
Anyone have other suggestions for fun, cool spring celebratory traditions to play around with? What will you be doing?
I’m way late to Open Thread, but I think this all sounds lovely. As a pagan-oriented person myself, I love the idea of making your own labyrinth in your backyard. I love walking a labyrinth. I usually think about what I’m trying to get rid of/work on on my way into the center, then do a brief ritual in the center, and then think about what I’m trying to bring into my life/improve on my way out. And sometimes it’s been nice to not really think about anything at all and just enjoy the meditation that comes with slowly walking in a pattern, outside with the air and grass and trees.
As far as building one, I’ve only ever seen temporary ones drawn in chalk. I know they can be kind of time-consuming and complex to create so it might be good to start with a relatively simple one. I’m sure there’s tons of examples online. I’d love to see what you end up making, if you wanted to post a picture later this week.
I also think it’s lovely that you’re creating new traditions for and with your family. I’m sorry for the loss of your brother.
I apologize in advance that this is a post that is almost pointless and in the “get off my lawn!” vein, but does anyone else here not understand the appeal of SnapChat at all? The layout is garbage, the celebrity snaps are not all that, and finding people you know on there is impossible (why can’t you do a search of your Twitter/Instagram friends?????!!!!!!!!!).
I’m sitting this one out, guys. Sorry. I tried it for a little under a week.
Yeah, I snapchat with my sister and a few close friends, but that’s it. I don’t get the appeal of celebrity snapchat either, and the “my story” thing feels pointless. Not to mention I wouldn’t understand how to use it without a Youth explaining the above stuff to me, so it makes me feel old and cranky!
Designed to confuse: http://www.slate.com/articles/technology/technolo…
Seriously, there are tons of amazing great celebs on there (John Mulaney, Jessica Chastain, pretty much all of the main ladies in Another Period) and it distresses me that I found everything they ever put up kind of pointless, like “Oh hey we have a second to kill, hi Snapchat. ‘Kay, bye!”
Hell, I still don’t get the point of Twitter. So. Officially an Old, I guess.
I can never find celebrities on snapchat? even when I search for the handles they have provided on their twitter? And I just really wanted to send snaps to the broadway folks I saw.
I…have used snapchat. It was fun over vacation and kept my fb free of 2 dozen posts of random pictures that I wanted to share. But, generally, I hate the layout. hate hate hate. It’s not organic, I can never figure out how to do shit on there (like, how do I get the block lettering instead of that weird black strip of text?) and I don’t really feel like I’m communicating well on it.
I LOATHE SNAPCHAT. Solidarity & hatred, rolotomassi5
Thank you! Sweet validation, this thread.
There are a lot of new platforms I’ve never gotten into. Facebook yea, but no to twitter, instagram, snapchat, vines, etc. There are only so many things my brain has room for and those just don’t cut it!
I didn’t understand snapchat AT ALL for months and months. And then last month it kind of clicked for me. I follow youtubers and a few friends, mostly because snapchat is where a lot of more personal stuff is. Also I’m amused by the filters. But it’s definitely one of those things that divides the Old from the Young, which is annoying but I’m straddling that line rn, better take advantage of it
I finally saw Fury Road!!
And??
It was exciting! And things went boom, and I loved Furiosa, and I realized like halfway through the movie that I was actually watching a Big Hollywood Movie without being beaten over the head with romance crap.
And the ladies in the middle of the desert? Awesome awesome awesome
Welcome, sister.
Yes! Ride eternal with us Fury Road fans!
And definitely get into the fandom! There are so many amazing pieces of meta, fanfic, and fanart.
Yessss! The analysis online makes it so much better.
Seven thousand days plus a few I don’t remember
Furiosa’s backstory. As far as many are concerned, this is canon.
So I Heard You Like Timeloops – the Fury Road Groundhog Day AU tumblrfic/headcanon collection
A bunch of tumblr posts riffing on the “Have you done this before?” “Many times.” bit of dialogue and speculating that the movie is basically the same as Groundhog Day.
I am very pleased for you! My brother watched it for the first time this week as well.
I guess this will be buried at the end, but I don’t care.
I really need to be able to Google the location of things in my house.
You know:
Where are the spare light bulbs for that weird lamp?
Light bulbs http://www.pantry.hom
third shelf on the right, in the box with the flashlights
Light bulbs http://www.underthebed.hom
under the guest room bed in a red box
Light bulbs http://www.allgone.hom
–you used them all up
Ad http://www.amazon.com
Anyone want to invent this for me? Anyone else having tech fantasies today?
Hahaha, I just had a tech fantasy on twitter about a CanCon Netflix, just all the best CBC + CTV + NFB and etc. productions online in one place that I can pay for and have perennial access to all the Green Gables adaptations.
On your specific problem, I am trying to make a habit of mapping seemingly-inconsequential things, because after a few years as a practicing librarian I finally understand that there is no such thing as a foolproof and intuitive filing system. So I’ve been making maps of my apartment. Especially the bookshelves and the desk drawers and the bathroom and kitchen cupboards.
I want that too! Really I just want an app that will tell me where my keys are…
I also need this app/product/whatevs. I’ve got $5 to kick in towards development.
I want to have a ctrl+F function for all of my life. I think of it a lot.
I did it. I called my parents and asked if they were going to be comfortable with using my kids’ correct pronouns and they said they would. So I feel like 80% okay about the conversation and I think it will be a good trip but I may reserve a room somewhere in case things so badly once we’re there.
Thanks for being an awesome parent and standing up for your kids. Its tough to stand up to your own parents but it sounds like things went well, and even if things do go badly, I’m sure your kids will be much better off knowing there’s someone in their corner. Best of luck!
It is tough to know they don’t approve of how Mr Jenn and I are handling things with our kid, but I’m glad I had the conversation and that my parents are willing to make an effort.
It feels like some passive-aggressive comments may be in our future. But I set some guidelines. Like, when she said she’d try but may make mistakes in a tone that seemed like maybe “I’ll just ‘forget’ a lot of the time,” I let her know that mistakes are fine but that when someone makes a mistake the best way to show they really are trying and respectful is to correct oneself immediately (like, “sorry, I meant he”) and then keep going. I tried to make it clear that no one is going to be waiting to pounce on infractions but that really trying is important.
My kid actually handles a lot of that better than I do. He’s great at the Condescending Teenager Eyeroll while saying “it’s ‘he'” in that tone of voice that’s the perfect mix of disdain and boredom, then carrying on with the conversation. And he knows I have his back.
A+ parenting!
I feel more like a solid B, but thanks. 🙂 It’s an awkward line to ride because my kid is a teenager and can speak for himself, but he is also still young and needs his parents to be advocates.
I think he’ll always need his parents to be advocates and thank you for being the advocates he needs.
That’s definitely true! We all need advocates. I was more thinking stuff like being asked to explain his mental processes about certain aspects of this. That’s when I say that those things are his to discuss or not. I’ve also said a lot of “I don’t think it really matters if we fully understand it or not. When people tell you how they want to be treated, you should treat them that way.”
Oh my gosh I’m so glad this conversation went 80% well! And I’m glad you posted this; I was thinking about you earlier and wondering how things had gone.
I love this that you said: I’ve also said a lot of “I don’t think it really matters if we fully understand it or not. When people tell you how they want to be treated, you should treat them that way.”
By expecting that your parents will do the right thing, you are doing them, and the world, an excellent service. Not to mention how great it is for your kid that you are showing him that you always have his back. Wishing all of you so much love and a reasonably (80%?) pleasant trip.
Thank you! It’s so sweet of you to have been thinking of me like that. Toasties are really the best.
My kid is very much like, “I’m going to dress how I want and speak about myself how I want, and everyone else can figure it out.” Which has been really cool to watch because I am SUCH an over-explainer (and people pleaser! ugh!). So many people have just taken it in stride after a quick, “Did I hear that you said ‘he?'” It’s trickier with family but we are getting there. Which is to say, I am learning how to expect people to do the right thing from my kid.
I love you and I love your kid.
Ah this is very late and I have not participated in an open thread before, so no one has to answer i just need to get it out.
I am in a strange country, I’m trying to find a full time science job, and I need to find somewhere to live in the next month. And its just really hard at the moment. I’m sick all the time, I miss my family and my cats and my friends, the single person I know in this city has gone on holiday for a month, and I’m scared of looking for rooms by myself because I’ve never flatted with strangers before. I’m scared of running out of money and not finding a proper job, I’m scared of getting depressed again, and I’m scared that I made a huge mistake coming here, and I’m too useless to be a Proper Adult and figure this all out by myself.
*fixes you a calming cup of tea*
You’ll be OK. It’ll be OK. You’re not useless — Proper Adulting is hard! You’re doing great so far.
*sniffle* thank you for the tea and letting me complain at you
You’re doing great as you are! Moving to a strange country is scary, not knowing people is scary, being a proper adult is terrifying and so very hard.
I moved across the country a couple years ago, and I was also sure that I would never find a place to live and living with strangers would be horrifying. But I did find a place, and I have had perfectly fine roommates this whole time (at various times have lived with ~10 strangers from the internet and though there have been some quirks no one was a serial killer). My first apartment in this city was terrible, but it was cheap and fine and after being here for a bit and getting more on my feet I was able to move to a place orders of magnitude better.
Good luck with the job hunting! Science is hard but wonderful, I hope you find a position that you want. I also moved for science and it was hard at first but now so, so worth it. Deep breaths, you can do it!
That is a very soothing gif
*hugs*
You’ve got this. You are so brave! You’ve stepped outside of your comfort zone, and you are pursuing your passion. You’ll find a spot to land and things will fall into place.
(I’ve lived with strangers many times, and my advice is to go with your gut! Trust yourself.)
Aaaah Toasties are all so nice, thank you thank you
Hey Toasties, I am looking for some suggestions for romance novels. Neither my girlfriend nor I are romance readers, but she would like to get into reading romance novels and I have volunteered to email some to her Kindle account, because she does not have a computer at work (and I’m avoiding actually working because it’s Friday afternoon). I’m obviously searching around on my own, but I trust the Toast community and would be happy to pass along any recommendations from folks here. So…anybody? Recent stuff, classics of the genre, that one book about the bear…maybe not the one about the bear.
What kinds of things are you looking for?
Melanie Greene is a toastie!
People seem to like Courtney Milan — I haven’t read any of her historical stuff but the one modern-setting one I read, I quite enjoyed.
Edit: Oh, and everyone on Tumblr is ALL ABOUT The Captive Prince
I am woefully under-informed about what the options are. The guidance I have received, in its entirety, was “no vampires”. I know that, within romance, there’s pretty much the whole continuum of genres. She reads pretty much anything. I’ll suggest those to her, see what her thoughts are. Thanks!
Man, Captive Prince is LONG but it’s good!!! It’s about gay sexings in some sort of male-dominated Roman-like society. The writing can get kind of florid and eye-roll-y sometimes, but overall I enjoyed it and had no problem making it all the way through.
If she likes sci-fi, I highly recommend Shards of Honor by Lois McMaster Bujold (it’s sci-fi romance).
This looks extremely promising. Thanks!
Wait, it’s a sci-fi Romance? That makes the fact that Mr. Thuja chose to check out the first three books from the series and read them before bed every night for a month much more entertaining!
maybe not the one about the bear
why, with the bear, tho. why. (rich tapestry, rich tapestry, rich tapestry…)
Romance is a genre with SO many subgenres that it’s hard to narrow it down when you’re just getting started. I recommend reading some reviews for guidance! Smart Bitches, Trashy Books is my favorite review site. http://smartbitchestrashybooks.com They also do regular posts about books on sale, which is a great way to sample different subgenres cheaply.
My own favorite author is K.J. Charles, who writes historical, often paranormal m/m romance, but that may not be your gf’s thing! But if you want to give it a try I recommend starting with either Think of England or A Fashionable Indulgence.
Awesome, thank you!
Seconding the Courtney Milan rec. I really like the series that starts with The Duchess War (well, technically I think the series starts with The Governess Affair novella but that one really isn’t necessary to enjoy the full length books).
Loretta Chase is also a very fun historical romance writer. I like the Dressmakers Series, which starts with SIlk is for Seduction. Some of her older books are also very good, such as Lord of Scoundrels, but they are a bit more hit and miss.
For classic romances, Georgette Heyer is a master. I seem to remember really loving Grand Sophy and Frederica.
I bought and read Melanie Green’s latest, Eye of the Tiger, to be a supportive Toastie, and I really enjoyed it. I like it when characters are grown ups who talk to each other and work out actual problems.
If fantasy world romance is of interest, I really love Sharon Shin’s Twelve Houses series (starts with Mystic and Rider). (But I just CAN’T with her shapeshifter books, and I feel like werewolves are awfully close to vampires and should be avoided.)
Toasties out here killing these recommendations. Thank you!
Seconding Smart Bitches. I get about 95% of my romance recommendations from them at this point. Plus their podcast is a pretty good time, too.
We have a group on Goodreads with loads of romance recommendations! https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/2159316-toas…
Courtney Milan is really great for historicals (set in Victorian England, many involving working class people- the latest one is AMAZING)
Elizabeth Hoyt has some set in London in the late 1700s with really evocative settings, called Maiden Lane (ha!)
Tessa Dare’s Spindle Cove series is also historical (Regency England, small town full of women who go there to be themselves, basically) and delightful
Joanna Bourne has a series about spies in the Napoleonic Wars that are adventuresome
In contemporary settings, Laura Florand has a series set in France- the first chunk of the series has male chocolatiers and pastry chefs with troubled pasts; Kat Latham has a series with rugby players that is really good, and Julie James has a series set in Chicago with US District Attorneys and FBI Agents with women who are competent and amazing.
Meljean Brook has absolutely incredible steampunk romances, including one that features an Icelandic Lesbian Commune defended by women inside mechanical trolls.
Meljean Brook has absolutely incredible steampunk romances, including one that features an Icelandic Lesbian Commune defended by women inside mechanical trolls.
I AM INTRIGUED. Thank you!
Roan Parrish – realistic m/m, she has 2 books out so far.
I loved Jude Deveraux when I was younger. My favorites were The Raider and The Heiress.
Work-related seething in reply.
So a couple of days ago, I had to present the first draft of a technical document I’d written for review. One of the guys reviewing it used what I guess I would describe as an aggressive tone. Most of what he had to say was valid criticism (of the document, not of me) but the way he presented it was just… there were a million nicer ways he could have said it. Basically he talked down to me and derided me for things that didn’t seem to deserve such a harsh tone, like – not reading the style guide that I didn’t know was there; not using correct capitalization in my section titles (turns out he’s a fan of ‘down style’ capitalization, which just looks wrong to me)… Did I mention that this is the first time I’ve ever written one of these documents, which I had mentioned on more than one occasion? Would have been mighty helpful to be provided with some of these guidelines before I started.
Anyway, I have not seen him since then and it’s now the long weekend. It seems unlikely that he will apologize unless I bring it up again. I would like an apology. I work with him fairly often and he’s always been fine, so all it would take is an “Sorry, I was having a bad day. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”
I don’t want to seem petty or like I’m holding a grudge by bringing this up 5 days later though. Not sure what to do.
If this is going to cause a problem with your future work relationship, I’d bring it up with him as soon as you can next week. Maybe something along the lines of “hey, I appreciate your critique of my document, but I felt you were being condescending in some instances” (and have exact examples if he wants them). Try to make it plain that you’re communicating this in an effort toward better communication between the two of you, and end the conversation with asking how you can be a better communicator towards him, as well. It couldn’t hurt to say that you’d never heard of the guidelines or stylebook by thanking him for pointing them out to you and saying how you appreciated his mentioning them.
Good luck!
Hello Toasties! Long time lurker and comment thumbs-upper, first time commenter, etc. This is a bit late, but I really need to vent this somewhere. (And hopefully someone out there is still reading and can give me some advice/encouragement.)
I only have one month left of the semester until I get my bachelor’s degree (!!), and things are getting a bit hectic. I have to finish and polish up a paper I’m presenting at an undergrad conference next week (!!), and my job search for after graduation has been rough (I haven’t applied for much yet, but finding openings that I’m interested in has been… not so great). My major is in a field that my friends and family have deemed useless – a foreign language – and it is really bumming me out! I know that I will probably find a decent job, and that I’m still young with much of my life ahead of me, but it is still a bad feeling to be having all the time 🙁
So, does anyone out there happen to have positive stories about life after university with a degree that seems impractical at first glance?
Yeah I mean it may very well take a while to find your stride or get on your path but you’ll get there. It’s ok to take a whatever job in the interim and/or let your language guide your search in terms of where you might want to live post graduation and/or look at what you enjoy about the process of language study and run with that.
My mom and I both graduated with ‘impractical’ BAs, hers a language. Neither of us ended up in a field that was super um like literal in its connection to our studies and tbh 7 years later I can say the last thing I would want is a career in women’s and gender stuff. But it was a foundation, or a stop along the way, or one of the experiences that informs my life and also my work… which just turned out to be me being helpful in my own way.
My mom says about her career how cool it is that one thing led to another. I used to be like wtf mom that isn’t helping me but that’s what I’d say now.
No matter what job you take out of college you don’t have to explain yourself and you don’t have to shoehorn your BA education into practical or literal. It is so sweet to have studied and that’s something you get to keep with you for the rest of your life.
This is super late but thank you for taking the time to respond! It’s really reassuring to hear about others’ career success!
This is super-late, but I wanted to weigh in bc I teach language at the college level and I feel like one thing language departments don’t always do a great job of is helping students be aware of all the important things they’re able to do as a result of their majors besides “speak [language] really well.” Of course not all of these are directly job-relevant (and ideally a B.A. shouldn’t only be about that–on my best days, I hope to be educating citizens, not just workers), but maybe they’ll help you answer your family or show off what you bring to the table:
1) Intercultural competence. Lots of people say “oh, what’s the point of speaking [language] when everybody speaks English anyway,” but a language major will invariably expose you to culture, history, art, and ideas that aren’t as mainstream in your native culture. That’s valuable in a mundane business sense (don’t piss off the foreign partners!) but also in a more general critical-thinking and cognitive flexibility sense.
2) Relatedly, thinking in another language really shakes up your ideas and paradigms, and that can be extremely productive for problem solving. Just the act of not knowing how to say something and finding a work-around to communicate makes you more open, flexible, and creative.
3) Communication, communication, communication–not only can you do it in English, you’ve probably had a lot of small classes with individual attention training you to get your point across *in another language*. You very likely have amazing written and verbal communication skills.
4) Cooperation–again, because of those small classes and (if you did any language-learning at the university level) lots of group and partner work, you have built-in experience in working well with others, being patient with different skill levels, and finding out how to maximize what each person brings to the table.
5) Especially if you did a lot of literature, you have had exposure to many different creative, flexible, and critical workings-through of societal and ethical problems. This is the case even for relatively simple texts like Harry Potter (http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-everyone-should-read-harry-potter/); much more so for more formally and thematically complicated works.
6) Finally, check out the National Association of Colleges and Employers–they have information on what employers look for (http://www.naceweb.org/s11122014/job-outlook-skills-qualities-employers-want.aspx) and on what “career readiness” means (http://www.naceweb.org/uploadedFiles/Pages/knowledge/articles/career-readiness-fact-sheet.pdf). You might consider taking time to read through those types of resources as you are updating your resume to decide what to highlight.
Sorry for the novel, and I hope that’s helpful–as you can tell, this is something I’m pretty passionate about! Good luck out there!
ah thank you so much for taking the time to write this! This is all really great and helpful!
also super-late, but i was a french literature major, because it was what i liked, and i had no idea what my career should be. i was always employed during school, though, and ended up assisting in a prepress shop [whose clients are graphic designers] and learned enough to start a career in graphic design. i also worked side-by-side with plenty of people who didn’t go to school at all, and it made me realize that the degree will always help me, but not having it certainly isn’t stopping other people either.
and this isn’t to say you won’t stick with foreign language either, but you can have a fine life no matter what you choose with your language degree.
this is very buried, but oh Toastatrons, I did the thing!!!! I presented at the conference!! All the people were reaaaaally nice and awesome and I got a lot of comments and I mean they were people in my actual field (that does not happen often).
Congratulations!! This is huge!
Thank you! Yeaaaaah, so people said I did really well with the paper, everyone was particularly nice and funny, and I learned so much, and those sci fi scholars are all amazing and smart and made me feel soooo welcome.
THAT FEELING. It is SUCH an awesome feeling! Good for you!!!
I have spent the whole week working from my BFF’s couch and helping her with my Godson & household stuff while her husband is away, and I am going to miss Godson SO MUCH when I leave.
Oh my goodness, I am so late, but also this is earlier than I ever get to comment, and usually I don’t get here until Saturday and I just give up (so… wow we are already on page 3 before I even get home from work!).
There are several things going on right now that I would love toast advice on if anyone is reading this far. I will post in the reply so I don’t take up a lot of space!
1. I just invested in some very fancy new glasses (like… handmade euro frames fancy) and they are completely different from my usual look. All my friends have voted they are hands down awesome. Then my mom demanded to see a pic and made a weird face and said she hates them and now I’m completely and utterly paranoid that I have just bought the most $$$ and ridiculous glasses of my life. And I don’t wear contacts ever, I wear glasses 24/7/365. They are being shipped from germany right now and the nausea I have over this is bonkers.
2. Easter…. I am no longer religious. My parents still expect me to attend mass with them (I am in my late 20s). I am happy to celebrate the day with family (also not really a choice so much as an obligation) but I really don’t want to go to church. I’ve gone for years to holiday just to not make a fuss but this year it just feels wrong for me to be at mass, knowing I don’t practice any religion. Is there any way to do this “correctly” or do I just politely state my cause and hope for the best?
3. I am moving soon and I’m freaking out. Even though I know it’s going to be a good move (once I get settled and… make friends/people/figure out my fave coffee shops and farmers market and stuff). Are there any Bay Area toasties who can give me some positive messages of being a newbie out there? I’m coming from BK and trying to figure out neighborhood comparisons too (even though I can already tell it’s very much apples and oranges). Also… dare I even ask… what is it like to date out there?
1) I am sure your new glasses are going to be awesome!! I love shopping for and getting new frames, and I love that I get to do it every year. “Get to” because my prescription keeps changing; luckily my insurance is decent and I can afford it. Don’t let your mom spoil your fun. Although she will always be your mom, she’s not the boss of you anymore!!
2) What were we saying about your mom …? Oh yeah, she’s not the boss of you anymore! It sounds like you haven’t firmed up plans, so I’d just drop a text or email, whichever you and your mom prefer, and say something like “Please don’t wait on me for mass on Sunday, I’m looking forward to seeing you at Aunt Betty’s at 2:00!” Or whatever the time/place is as pertains to your family.
3) Good luck in the Bay Area! It’s a lovely and wonderful place to visit and to live!
Thank you!!*
I should have mentioned I recently broke up with someone (one of those “we still care about each other immensely but our lives are not going in the same direction” break ups) and I’m realizing that all these things that I would usually not be *so* worried about, I am hyper-worrying about, in place of crying over this dude. But I needed these reminders! And extra thanks for the vote of confidence about my glasses and my move 🙂
*I got logged out of my account so I couldn’t comment right away 🙁
For your FIRST issue, I recommend that you read this excellent Captain Awkward post. The whole time I was reading your question, I was thinking of the final paragraph in that post.
I got logged out of my account so I couldn’t comment right away, but I’m finally back in, so thank you! Excellent link!
I am very late but I need solo vacation recs! I have a $500 flight voucher I need to use sometime in the next 3 months – I was going to go somewhere with a friend but she pulled out so now I need to plan for myself! Some details:
– I don’t have much money to spend on hotel/air B&B, dinner, shows, etc.! I am a freelancer and recently lost one of my bigger jobs, which made up about 30-40% of my income. Obviously I’m willing to buy food and stuff but somewhere with free activities/sites/etc. would be good!
– Also related to me being a freelancer, this would probably have to be a short vacation (long weekend?) because I don’t get paid for the days that I don’t work.
– I have a driver’s license but have not driven regularly in almost 10 years so somewhere walkable or public transit-able would be great!
– I live in New York and have seen a lot of the East Coast and Midwest, and very little of the West Coast and South.
– I have not done much solo travel before! I’ve done a few day trips by myself and a “meet you in this city” thing where I have maybe a day by myself before meeting up with a larger group, but nothing longer than that.
If you are looking to stay domestic, I highly recommend Savannah or New Orleans, if you haven’t been to either place. I also adore Mexico City for a long weekend, though that may be more feasible from LA than New York – not sure about direct flights or how long that flight would be. From New York I also love Puerto Rico!
I’ve never been to any of those! I’ll take a look. Thank you!!
Ooo, New Orleans is a super good idea! It’s totally walkable and a pleasure to just wander around.
Ooh thanks! I’d been thinking of New Orleans but didn’t know how walkable it was — definitely looking into it!
I thought New Orleans, too, and Santa Fe – also so walkable, so pretty, and really interesting (especially if you haven’t explored the southwest much). Solo travel is so much fun! Diners and bookstores and long, languid glasses of [beverage of choice] with a novel, museums and all the things that you want to do no matter how absurd! If you decide you want to do Santa Fe I have lots of recs.
My first thoughts were Savannah and New Orleans and was about to respond with just that 🙂
They’re both great cities that are fun for a weekend, packed with lots of unique character, and possible to do on a budget if you plan well.
I literally just thought “Savannah or New Orleans?” as soon as I read the original post. Those are both GREAT solo trip locations – I’ve done both, also from New York.
For cities, Seattle and Portland are both lovely, walkable cities with public transit options and lots of stuff to see and low or no cost. (I live in Seattle, so I know more about that.) Airbnb should offer some affordable lodging options (the key is proximity to the transit system, not necessarily proximity to downtown.) The downside is that it’s a long damn flight from NY. San Francisco is also super cool and fun to visit, but lodging will run you more.
If you wanted to go south, I’ve heard that Charlseton, SC and Savannah are both nice, and full of historical stuff if that’s your bag. The weather should be decent at this time of year.
Seattle was the first thing that came to my mind.
Thanks!!
I’ve done a fair amount of solo travel, and there is a lot of joy to be had in it! Seattle would be really cool for you, or San Francisco? Good public transport and museums are my two main needs when I’m travelling alone 🙂
But you’re a freelancer! You can work from anywhere! You can go to a South American country for a month and come home with more money than when you left!
Fellow Toasties,
Mr. Rumba and I talked to a shelter pet adoption lady today and are going to meet some pups on Saturday. I am very excited about this prospect and he is concerned that I will mostly be rolling around on the floor with all of them in front of a perfect stranger, unable to single out one favorite from the bunch. This sounds wonderful.
Every time I think about going to a shelter to adopt a pet, I always petrify myself with the thought of having to choose one animal out of a bunch…. with them all staring at me…. I can’t even afford to have a pet for a few years and I’m already crying preemptively
I had the same fear and use Petfinder to find one first and then go in on that mission, so I am not choosing after meeting them all. But it is so hard!
Yay you for adopting a pup! I think rolling around with adoptable pups sounds like an ideal Saturday.
(Unsolicited advice: it’s okay to feel like a dog is A Very Good Dog but still not the Right Dog. All dogs are potentially wonderful. Not all dogs are wonderful for your life and living space. But trust your heart.)
Great advice. I’m a big softie on dogs, but we are generally practical people. The lady already told us that the one we liked the best online might not be the best fit for us, so we’re going to meet some other dogs and see how it goes.
Enjoy expanding your family! Report back with pictures!
🐶❤️🐶❤️🐶❤️🐶 best of luck meeting the right pupper for you!
Dying to know how this went! 🙂
We met seven and found two we liked: an enormously fluffy aussie shepherd mix who was older, friendly but stubborn; and a shy but sweet 2-years-old-ish plott hound mix. There were a bunch of others who were friendly and bouncy and great but not what we were looking for (size, temperament, etc).
We’ll be out of town this coming weekend so we’re hoping to take in the plott hound next week! The AKC describes the breed as “Sweetly gentle with people, but fearless, implacable, and bold at work.”
The lady running the organization said we should do it on a “foster-to-adopt” trial basis, because the dog is quite shy, to make sure he’s really a good fit for us before fully committing. Will be making arrangements this week!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
Toast parents! Y’all seem like people who know what they’re on about! Do any of you have advice for helping a five year old girl who’s english is good but not fantastic conquer her anxiety, when she can’t find the right words to say what’s worrying her? It’s got to the point where it’s really affecting her health and I have no idea where to start with helping her. I think it’s probably related to the fact that her parents have to travel overnight for work sometimes, and that she doesn’t speak the local language (dutch, which is her third language) as well as her peers do?
Any and all suggestions for things we can do that might help would be super seriously appreciated as both me and her parents are struggling to help her beat this.
With the disclaimer that I am neither a parent nor a child development expert of any kind, this story made me think of programs where kids read to dogs — the idea being that the dogs are super into it (because they’re dogs) without being judgmental like a human audience might be. Might help? Here’s some background: https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/children-rea…
I thought the exact same thing!
How wonderful that she has so many caring adults in her life!
Maybe have her draw a picture of what’s bothering her? I’d presented it as, “Sometimes I have trouble figuring out what to say so I draw a picture of how I’m feeling. Would you like to draw with me?” Even if you’re a crappy artist, even if this isn’t actually true, the goal is to make her feel like this is a normal thing people do to express themselves (which, of course it is) and not that this is about her language skills. This gives her another outlet for her anxiety and it gives you and her parents a way to talk about what is bothering her. “What did you draw? Why did you draw that? What does this part of the drawing mean to you? How does that make you feel? Etc, etc.”
It might be helpful to meet with other ex-pat families to see how their kids adjusted. It might also be helpful for the child for the adults around her to make this not-a-big-deal. It seems like a totally reasonable thing for someone who is learning 3 different languages to have trouble expressing herself in one or all of them.
I would also make sure she’s not picking up on your stress for her. Kids have a way of feeling responsible for the feelings of their adults in ways we’d never expect and your (totally understandable!) worry for her may be making her more stressed if this is something you and her parents are expressing around her, even unconsciously.
Finally, as a pediatrician myself, I’d suggest talking to a doctor who has experience with ex-pat or immigrant children. They would likely be able to give you additional suggestions and guidance on how to help her navigate this challenging time.
Is English her first or second language? If it’s her second language, there are or should be adults in her life who speak her first one. I understand wanting to encourage her to express herself in her other languages but addressing her underlying anxiety sounds like a bigger priority right now.
The most important thing here seems to be letting her tell you how she feels without making her feel like you’re not getting it. Make it very clear that adults have trouble with this too and don’t ask too many questions or nudge her. If you need her to clarify a lot of things, mix indirect questions with direct ones. I like annacardea’s drawing suggestion. Writing could work too if she knows how to write. Does she like stories? That could be used as a starting point if she can use stories to give you some clues.
It sounds like she could benefit from using English (and Dutch) in situations that are play-based if she doesn’t do this. Maybe there are playgroups of other expat kids she could join so she can see she’s not the only kid who struggles with the language?
She’s very lucky that the adults in her life are so supportive and willing to help her through this.
GUISE
That thread on the food in Wuthering Heights inspired me to re-read the book even though the last time I read it I hated it with the fire of a thousand suns. And now I’m four or five chapters in and WHAT HO, THIS BOOK IS HILARIOUS, HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS BEFORE. Like I feel as if though I’ve unlocked one of the great secrets of the universe.
Also it would appear that E. Bronte invented the verb ‘to snoozle’ to describe the way the dogs ingratiate their long wet noses into Zillah’s face when she is trying to light the fire. TELL ME THAT WORD ISN’T DOWNRIGHT ORTBERGIAN. And those dogs are sighthounds; you will never convince me otherwise. (I’m partial to Irish wolfhounds because Lockwood describes them as looking like monsters, yet being primarily concerned with stretching and yawning.) (Also because Irish Wolfhounds are THE MOST GOTHIC OF DOGS)
I never get to talk with people about monster movies anymore, and I’m dissatisfied and wondering what to do with myself. Any suggestions? To clarify, I get to talk about monster movies all I like online, but the friends I used to geek with in person are busy with other stuff or have moved away, and I miss that part of my life.
Do I start a meetup group? Wear a T-shirt with Claude Raines as Dr. Griffin on it to start conversations? Awkwardly strike up conversations with people at the Brattle Theatre (I’m in the Cambridge, MA area)? Spend more time going to conventions? (I’d love to do that last one but I don’t have a lot of money to spend on travel.)
Have you already looked around on meetup to see if there is another monster movie themed group in your area?
Bay Area toasties — i need your guidance!
I am a recent grad and I’ve been struggling to write consistently without the structure of classes and deadlines and peer reviews, and I’d really like to enroll in a (cheap!) creative writing class in SF/the East Bay to push me to get over my I’m-Not-Zadie-Smith-So-Whats-The-Point-of-Even-Trying anxiety blocks. Any good experiences to recommend?
Thank you kindly 🙂
It’s not a class, but I like Shut up and Write quite a lot, and there are groups in the East Bay and SF. (I find the Wednesday Mission crew to be especially wonderful, but I can’t do Wednesday mornings anymore, because work schedule.) The group is all about producing writing, and it’s quiet and supportive.
There’s an affiliated critique group, as well, and an affiliated group where people read their work absent critique, but I’ve only ever checked out the writing groups.
Here’s where we spent our Sunday morning, enjoy your weekend!
That looks just amazing!
It is amazing! It’s a beach named Hapuna and it’s on the other side of our island. We had a ton of fun!
Hamiltoasties, I want to tell you about my delightful toddler. He has been listening to me and his daddy playing the Hamilton soundtrack on constant repeat, and now he regularly requests “counting song” (aka Ten Duel Commandments). So I taught him what “paces” are, and now he runs all across the living room shouting “one two three two seven ten half paces fire!”
LOVE.
I don’t know what the overlap is of Toasties and baseball fans, but I do know many Toastie appreciate adorable baby animals. And so I give you the Chicago Cubs with actual bear cubs: http://www.sbnation.com/lookit/2016/3/25/11305508…
Happy weekend!
I’ve been loving seeing them on Twitter! My team does Padres & Puppies, and I actually had a wall calendar last year with photos and it was delightful.
I really loved the puppy the Brewers adopted last year (or the year before last?). I’m going to go look for Padres & Puppies now.
Hank!
Here’s some: http://www.gaslampball.com/2016/2/26/11120082/pad…
Gorgeousness all round!!
This is maybe buried and maybe pre-emptive but does anyone have any advice for dating someone in AA? I am not a heavy drinker so not drinking around him is not an issue, I just want to know what sorts of experiences others may have had.
That sounds potentially complicated. Addiction is rough road. I would imagine where he is in his sobriety would have the biggest impact on the relationship. I wonder if a visit to Al-Anon might be elucidating? I wish I had something more to offer. Best of luck.
Any scuba divers here? What was your classroom/certification experience like?
I did an “executive course” where basically we did all the book work on our own, and just had to do the quizzes on site, between doing all the pool dives in one very long day. It was grueling (esp. as we are not strong swimmers so the swim and treading water parts were challenging) and I recommend 2 days for pool dives. I think nowadays most people doing PADI do the online program so there’s not much classroom time anymore. We did our checkout dives in the Caribbean and I highly recommend that versus a quarry if the money is available, plus then you’re in a great place for the rest of the week to keep diving and meet other divers. We’re over 250 dives in now, so I highly recommend it!
We did ours in Vietnam and it was amazing and super affordable- we became good friends with our instructor and are still in touch ten years later! I think there was a conference room type space where we did the video/book work, and then pool time for the first skills and the hey you’re breathing underwater don’t freak skills, and then some really lovely dives on reefs that put it all together.
I have my PADI Advanced Open Water – I did my OW here in NZ, first at a local swimming pool then shore dives from a sheltered fiord bay for the open water dives. Beautiful, but bloody cold even in a good wetsuit.
Did my AOW on a dive trip in Tonga – there was me and one other guy doing our AOW together, and everyone else was like Rescue Diver cert or above, so it felt like a super safe environment with so many ppl to learn from and buddy with. Plus OMG Tonga has some spectacular diving! So many pretty things to see, and fun swimthroughs, and we got to lie in the sun on top of the boat during our surface intervals. Plus I feel with boat dives I don’t use up all my energy just getting to/from the dive site.
Both of these were SUPER CHILL though, and really enjoyable. I did feel a bit uncomfortable with the amount of drinking that the dive company guys did when they were still diving the next day, but that’s pretty standard from what I’ve seen of the industry!
Hello I am very late but just want to thank the lovely people who commented about me having difficulty with a foster child in our care, the responses were kind and wonderful and helpful, so thank you!!! Things have been much better this week!
I just started watching Jessica Jones. Did everyone else know it is as good or better than Daredevil? Feel like I missed that. Jessica JONES.
I haven’t watched Daredevil but loved Jessica Jones.
A good friend of mine were JUST talking about how much better it is than Daredevil. So good! Jessica Jones!
Hurrah for Jessica!
Toasties:
Administrative Professionals’ Day is coming up in about a month, and since this is basically the only thing in my life that I can’t rely on my awesome assistants to coordinate, I’d love your creative input.
I have two admin assistants, both of whom are in their early twenties and are incredibly hardworking and thoughtful young women. Every gift list I’ve found is dreadful (consider a motivational soup mug with matching spoon! have you thought about a lady bear in a skirt suit?), but now I’ve overthought the whole thing and am second-guessing all of my ideas. Any recommendations for gifts to show my appreciation of my awesome admins?
Gift card. The more practical the better. I’ve been that person and have never been happier than when I got a Starbucks card (or Target, or whatever the person likes). If you really hate giving gift cards, a cool mug, water bottle, fancy notebook/note pad, something from Etsy…
I was going to say the same. Gift cards. Though something from Etsy sounds great too.
Cosign this! I’ve been a secretary for 13 years and novelty mugs, themed bears, etc, are just more dust collectors in my crowded cube. Gift cards are great, a lovely bouquet of flowers is always much appreciated, maybe take them to lunch? And honestly, just hearing my people respect and appreciate me is great, both on a special day and all year long.
Gift cards cosigned, or things that expire/are consumable. Aka nice wine, nice cheese, nice flowers, nice plant, etc.
This is why gift cards are the best! If you know them a little well, you probably have an idea of where they like to go for lunch, or if they like movies, or whatever. The best gifts I’ve gotten from work type situations are always gift cards.
Speaking as another secretary/admin person, yes. Gift cards are the way to go. Do they drink? Gift cards from a liquor store would be amazing if such a thing exists.
Thank you all very much! Gift cards and lunch it is!
In case you haven’t bought them yet (and your admins are more femme), I’m ALWAYS thrilled with a gift card to get a manicure! That plus a bottle of champers and a a heartfelt card, and you are golden!
Hi Toasties! This is probably a little late for open thread but I wanted to say hi; I’ve lurked here for a while and was too shy to add anything, but figured it was time to put myself out there and join! I’ve had a rough past few months and been really grateful for finding The Toast; it’s such a warm and gracious community that even taking a few minutes to read Link Roundup comments (and see daily Sansa photos!) has brightened my days. A little about me: I’m a freelance beverage consultant living in Berlin (originally from the USA), I’ve lived in Scotland for a few years, and I like to embroider in my spare time. I’ve also started Free Code Camp based on recommendations from Toast commenters and am enjoying it, although I’m pretty slow at it. Are there any other Toasties living in Germany?
Welcome! I am not in Germany but wanted to say hi.
Will you be upset if I ask what a freelance beverage consultant does?
I have no consistency with online coding classes, so good for you for keeping at it.
Hi! Good to meet you! No worries – I get asked a lot about what it entails. Mostly I advise people on how to stock their bars (anywhere from setting up a home bar to a commercial one). I also create cocktail menus, custom cocktail recipes, and custom spirit infusion recipes. Last year, I worked to start a line of different spirit infusion kits of two types of gin, a spiced rum, and a mate tea infusion for vodka; we ran a Kickstarter to fund it. It’s a varied job that I’m carving out as I go (and I’m in the process of proving to the immigration department that yes, it’s a real and valid job!) but I get to meet a lot of interesting new people and talk about alcohol in the process (I have a degree in brewing and distilling as well).
I keep having to set aside an hour’s time in order to code, otherwise I can’t get my brain in the groove of it. I’m working on consistency and just keeping at it slowly. Even if it’s not every day, just trying to fit in a bit of time here and there and not beating myself up if I miss a few days. Before I started I knew next to nothing about coding, but now I’m learning JavaScript (me! The same me who is vaguely unsure about how the cloud actually works, or how to set up the wifi router properly! It’s crazy). It’s frustrating at times, but the realisation that everyone gets confused by coding has helped with my impostor syndrome a bit!
Guessing off your name, do you play lacrosse? I was never coordinated or fast enough to join a team, but my brother was and he absolutely loved it – I’m envious!
Welcome! Your job sounds super interesting! And your name is perfect!
Welcome! Also you basically have the dream job of a co-worker of mine. I can’t tell her about it because then she will leave me and everything will fall apart…
This Hamilton parody is bringing me so much joy: http://nerdist.com/watch-the-witty-hamiltonbatman…
I long ago realized that if Kafka could write himself into a corner that he could not extricate himself from, that I could stop reading when I felt I had gone far enough into the corner. It took me a lot longer to realize that I did not need to finish a movie, even though I had 90 minutes invested in it. So this book series, you can stop whenever you like. Doesn’t even need an ending. Lots of things in life don’t have an ending, or at least to me and my arc.
I know it’s Saturday and a day late, but I just got to recommend “Fortune’s Pawn” by Rachel Bach to a patron and that always makes me happy. Now I want to recommend it to all of you. Partner in Crime and I enjoyed it so much we did a podcast about it.
I’m new here. But I’ve been sick, too. The bug I have has been going around and apparently likes to stick around for a few weeks. I was feeling okay on Monday this past week, so I ran Tuesday-Thursday (3 days on, 1 day off, per usual) and felt like absolute shit on Friday. I had to leave work early. It sucked. I’ve been feeling better today, but still shitty.
Anyone else practicing self care by taking breaks from family members today? Woo holidays!
in the larger umbrella of eschewing all religious holidays, yes. i’m tired of feeling like it’s taken for granted that i’ll be celebrating something i’m not into because everyone will be there! so my challenge is to make plans with family on non-holiday days and then skip the holidays.
Oh yeah. I don’t celebrate but I show up. That’s as big of a trade off as I’ll make to see my cousins and their kids. It’s super weird to ask for time off from work to go not celebrate.
If you can find time, scheduling a meeting is very, very different from perusing their website. (Trust me, I've used their services before.) It's really worth a try if you can swing it. They can get into way more detail in person.
Very late, but I think I know this movie and am so curious if I'm right! If it's the one I think it is, it looked very in line with the director's other movies, which are also super jingoistic.
He's beautiful! I have a hound mix (we think Plott hound but aren't certain) and she's a delight. I hope all goes well when you bring him home!
Late to comment, but I hope you're feeling a bit better! Lingering bugs are the worst.
You're probably right! I didn't look up the director before I went, which was a bad choice because a lot of his movies are like this (one with the same lead actor). I basically only went because the lead actress from one of my favorite TV shows is in it, and she was unsurprisingly the best part of the movie, and one of only 2 women in it. The trailer for the movie didn't come out until the day after I got my passes, which is when I realized how much I was not the target audience for this movie. It was as bad as it looked.