“Gentle On My Mind”: Thanks For Letting Me Leave My Stuff Here

by Mallory Ortberg · March 28, 2016

Babe it’s honestly the fact that you don’t ever expect me to visit you
that makes me feel so comfortable around you
like so comfortable I just leave my stuff indefinitely at your house
because you’re not interested in shackling me with rules and contracts like
“can you come get your stuff”
“Glen your stuff is always at my house but you never visit”
“Glen when you use my house as a storage unit but never want to spend time together it makes me feel like you think of me as a service and not as a friend”
anyhow you’re not like that
who even remembers the promises they make
I’m not a machine

anyhow you’re so gentle I put you in my brain river

like I’d never feel like we were ‘bound’ together just because some people have gardens
you know?
I’m not a building, I’m a man
you can’t just put a pillar on me and say “Oh, there he is”
I’m bigger than that
you get it
just because people say we look like a couple doesn’t mean you expect me to treat us like a couple and I really appreciate that
and it’s very important to me that the world not think badly of me just because I leave you a bunch to go make sure that all the railroad tracks are still there

I honestly think about you sometimes for actual hours
I don’t do anything about it, I just think about it and expect credit for the thinking, like thinking of all the nice things I could do for you
and isn’t that really the best kind of relationship there is

Look, yes, okay
there is technically “distance” between us because I keep “moving away”
but I’ve always appreciated that you don’t cry just because I’m gone
like other women
like other, lesser women, the crying kind with expectations
or I mean maybe you do
I wouldn’t know
I’m always gone haha
women always cry if you show up and create intense emotional experiences and then leave suddenly without a word and I appreciate that you’ve evolved past that completely normal reaction to intimacy

anyhow right now I’m hanging out in a literal trash heap eating soup out of a garbage bag but I’m thinking about hugging you which is basically the same thing
you’re welcome for hugging you

in my mind you never frown
thanks for that

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


57 Comments

      1. aintnothingtoit +23

        Love your username!!

        “You pretend you don’t have a birthday to make things easier for me” hahaha.

      2. cowshark +8

        “It’s knowing that if you see me with my wife at the mall you’ll shut the fuck up.”

  4. littlehuntingcreek +25

    See also “Last Thing on My Mind”

    “I could have loved you better/didn’t mean to be unkind/you know that was the last thing on my mind”

    .

    4. 1nm +35

      And also, “You Were Always on My Mind”: yeah, baby, I treated you shabbily, refused to give you support when you needed it, let you know that anything else was more important than you, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t love you.

      1. popelizbet +20

        But YWAOMM’s narrator is apologizing and asking for another chance! Which he may or may not deserve, depending on what not treating you as good as I should have constitutes, but the chorus makes it “please, if you haven’t fallen out of love with me, give me a chance to do better.”
        I may be overly defensive of Willie here. That is possible.

        1. halloweenjack64 +9

          Yeah, there’s a whole lot of apology songs out there, and YWAOMM is one of the better ones. I can see trashing the likes of “If You Don’t Know Me By Now” which is basically “It’s your fault for falling in love with me, and you’re not perfect, either.” It’s a beautiful song with a really problematic message.

      2. redheadedwolf +3

        That song will forever be a dirtbag abuser’s anthem/a song you only sing when possessed by a dirtbag abuser, thanks to the most formative movie of my life, Practical Magic.

        (ETA: Whoops, confused “dirtbag abuser” with “serial killer,” when it’s actually the heroines of the movie who are the righteous serial killers of the same dude.)

    5. cleoreads +3

      See also also I’ll Be There For You by Bon Jovi

      “And I wasn’t there when you were happy
      I wasn’t there when you were down
      I didn’t mean to miss your birthday, baby
      I wish I’d seen you blow those candles out

      I’ll be there for you
      These five words I swear to you”

      At least in this case his wife/girlfriend has dumped his ass, and now he’s trying to get her back, but he’s not exactly ~apologizing~ for his behavior.

  5. lauralizabethm +39

    TOO CLOSE, MALLORY.

    (Or possibly too close, Glen Campbell? Perhaps the world of men is populated with Glen Campbells and I simply never realized before.)

    2. Zenkitty714 +53

      I don’t think I’ve dated a man who wasn’t this guy. I’ve dated women who were this guy.

  6. 1nm +33

    I went to high school with the sister of John Hartford, who wrote this song. He was tremendously funny, but, I think, he really was that guy.

    1. tinfoilhattie +13

      I don’t think he was. He wrote all those steamboat songs and canoe-in’ songs and I think it was all just old-timey fantasy. He was actually a really funny, good-humored guy. His wife gave him shit for this song, though.

      It has such beautifully written imagery … too bad it’s images of negging his supposed beloved!

    2. halloweenjack64 +9

      I remember reading about how lots of companies offered him lots of money to use the song in commercials, and he always turned them down. He also had a little clog dance that he’d do while he was performing it.

  7. mbculver +29

    Mr. Bittersweet and I were just arguing about this song at breakfast the other morning (it’s on our mellow breakfast mix). He said it was romantic, I said…basically what Mallory said, only not as poetically.

    Good to have this piece for further ammunition.

  8. Zenkitty714 +114

    I’ve never understood this song. He could have, presumably, a home and a sexytimes ladyfriend and hot meals in a kitchen, and he’s choosing to live a hobo life? I think he’s legit delusional, and the lady is really the owner of a boarding house who lets him leave his bag there and she’s never even touched him but she’s the only person who’s kind to him so he imagines they’re really lovers with no strings attached and it keeps him from killing himself in despair. Which sounds terrible but it’s better than taking the song at its word, because then he’s awful and she’s miserable.

  9. aintnothingtoit +34

    This is a true work of art.
    THE CRYING KIND WITH EXPECTATIONS.
    Oh man oh man oh man. A+

  10. chiaroscuromom +15

    Isn’t there a 60’s folk song on the same theme? Not Dion’s The Wanderer which was later covered by The Beach Boys, but a “hey thanks for the roll in the hay and no expectations, babe, you’re the best” sort of deal?

    (Also not Ramblin Man by the Allman Brothers, why are there so many songs on this theme, hmmm?)

    1. Anna +15

      Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CB37EwJEGpE

      It wins because it blames HER for the fact that he’s emotionally unavailable. Bob Dylan wrote it, of course.

      Then there’s Gordon Lightfoot’s For Lovin’ Me, which is even more in-you-face about it. So…yeah, there are a lot of songs along this theme, and apparently Peter, Paul, and Mary covered them all.

      1. tinfoilhattie +17

        Oh, Bob Dylan! Always reliably sexist, and vexingly good with the imagery. Damn these dudes.

        1. Jud +7

          How is he “blaming her for being emotionally unavailable”? He gave her his heart, she never turned out her light, she never called out his name, that’s all in the lyrics.
          AS for Gentle On My Mind, if it wasn’t for that stupid “woman crying to her ma” line, it could work for both genders…. Maybe because the fist version I ever heard was a duet between Campbell and the genius Bobbie Gentry, I always heard it as a mutual-agreement-“friends-with-benefits”-type song.

          1. MJH +2

            Yeah, she was a real horrible person. It wasn’t just “oh, I can’t be tied down baby” like these other songs. She treated him like shit! And now she won’t even throw him a crumb to entice him to stay. Because she’s the worst.

          2. EuterpesDelight +6

            I give her my heart but she wanted my soul
            Try a perspective other than the singer’s.

    2. MJH +3

      THIS IS EVERY SONG!

      Baby, Baby Don’t Get Hooked On Me is another one. I want Mallory to just do these forever.

    3. ZZElectricSheep +10

      Are we doing this!? My all time favorite total dirtbag 1960’s folk song is We’ll Sing in the Sunshine by Gale Garnett
      https://youtu.be/VhIbR9CRjUs

      Look at her eyes my friends. Look at her eyes. (Seriously I do love this song … but total dirtbag status. Upfront dirtbag which is something I suppose.)

  12. heyheyemkay +18

    MY DISCOVER WEEKLY PLAYLIST KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO DO THIS BECAUSE “SOUTHERN NIGHTS” JUST CAME ON

    HAIL THE WITCH QUEEN, HAIL THE PRESCIENT ONE

  13. livingandcorporeal +27

    I don’t do anything about it, I just think about it and expect credit for the thinking, like thinking of all the nice things I could do for you
    and isn’t that really the best kind of relationship there is

    *ugly laughter*

    1. MothsAndStars +27

      This is 100% the guy I was dating this time last year. “I *thought* about getting you flowers!” “I *thought* about cleaning my bathroom before you got here!” “I *thought* about asking if you wanted to have sex!” Followed by the expectant look that I’m pretty sure translated to “blowjob now?”

      1. livingandcorporeal +17

        Oh, god.

        That is the WROOOOOONG INTERPRETATION of “it’s the thought that counts”.

        1. MothsAndStars +21

          Right?!?

          I want to explicitly state, by the way, that I have never given a blowjob just because some dude thought about doing something that might have warranted it.

  14. BestLaidPlans +22

    This is the theme of my husband’s friend’s relationship, where her “boyfriend” told her: “I want to want to marry you.”

    1. poppy +5

      This song always makes me crazy:

      I thought I had fallen forever in love
      The minute your red gingham dress hit the floor
      But after I’d taken of all of your favors
      The hungry inside of me cried out there’s more

      I did not mean to mislead you
      I never intended that push come to shove
      And I don’t have one thing against you
      I just wish you were someone I loved

      So many dirtbag country singers. But I guess they describe the experience of dirtbag real people.

  15. tinfoilhattie +21

    Ha ha ha – this song was actually written by the late, great John Hartford (banjo player for Glen’s band), and Hartford’s wife told him it was the most sexist song ever written. So to prove her wrong, he wrote a song called “Golden Globes,” and was extremely chagrined when she pointed out THAT song could apply to a man OR a woman.

    I miss John Hartford.

  18. jackan7 +4

    Crap, had this song in my head while going to sleep, and even in my dreams last night. I am so suggestible I should not even go on the interwebs.

  19. cleo

    See also also I'll Be There For You by Bon Jovi

    "And I wasn't there when you were happy
    I wasn't there when you were down
    I didn't mean to miss your birthday, baby
    I wish I'd seen you blow those candles out

    I'll be there for you
    These five words I swear to you"

    At least in this case his wife/girlfriend has dumped his ass, and now he's trying to get her back, but he's not exactly ~apologizing~ for his behavior.

  20. MzMorg +2

    But…what about Bobbie Gentry? Doesn’t it count that she sings it too?

    Damn it, now one of my favorite songs is totally ruined because Mallory has pointed out how much like my life it is.

  21. Maggie Rotter +1

    Gordon Lightfoot, back when he was young and beautiful, sang “That’s What You Get For Lovin’ Me”. The man pulled no punches. See on YouTube