Sondheim As I Understand Him, From A Woman Who Has Seen About One Cumulative Hour Of Sondheim’s Work And Almost Certainly Misunderstood It

by Mallory Ortberg · April 25, 2016

Jeremy, The Handsome Gay Man Who Didn’t Want To Get Lunch With Anyone

Oooh It’s Me, Shan’t Jeremy

Everybody Doesn’t Like Being Married Or Having Lunch But We’ll Do It Anyways

Wanting Things Is Terrible

Stop Working At Your Art And Infidelity With Me, Jeremy

Why Doesn’t Anyone Love Me Just Because I’m Always Complaining

Everybody’s Jeremy And That’s Bad

This Infidelity Is Old And Tiresome And Every Day I Have A Salad

I Wonder If The Ends Will Justify The Means

Ooh, Let’s Never Don’t Go To The Circus, Shan’t

Have You Been Careful What You Wished For Lately

Because Maybe Wishes Aren’t Good

Have You Ever Thought About That Hmm Maybe

You Are Not Truly Living, You Life-Observer

The Most Wonderful Thing Is No

Stop Wishing Because Of The Aforementioned How Bad Wanting Things Is

I Only Love The Dangerous Sex Man Even Though It Hurts Me

But Who Shall I Buy Bracelets For Now

Let’s Break Up And Go Inside

Stab Everybody

Oh No, I Got What I Wanted And It’s Just Terrible, Who Could Have Foreseen This Would Happen

Marriage Is Just Murder Every Day Until You’re Dead From It

I Cheated On You Because Of Ennui And You Can’t Blame Me For Free-Floating Feelings Of Purposelessness

Women Love Attention But I Only Love Art

Oh The Surface Looks Good But Guess What’s Underneath It: The Worst Things, But I Bet You Didn’t Notice Because You’re A Real Surface-Looker, You Are

I’m Rich And Mean And Getting Some Iced Tea With A Table Full Of Real Bitches

We Should Be Happy But Aren’t, Isn’t That Interesting

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


106 Comments

    2. bignorseblog +17

      Funny, just ten minutes ago I was looking at this photo on IMDB and thinking: “Which brand of male virgins’ blood is Bernadette Peters bathing in, and can I get some?”
      http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2906004736/rg24651763…

      Also, a guy once tried to chat me up at a basement cabaret in NY by telling me he knew the real Kramer and pointing out a pic in the programme of his ex-boss with Bernadette. He was a good 20 years older than me and had the limpest handshake of all time.

      And that’s the end of my Bernadette Peters stories. I would like to have more.

      1. ppyajunebug +12

        My very first Broadway show was seeing her in Gypsy. My parents chose it because we loved her in those Fairy Tale Theater videos she did. I don’t remember much other than her being simply SPECTACULAR during “Rose’s Turn”.

      2. fromthelandwithlove +8

        I saw her in A Little Night Music AND Follies a number of years ago. That was a wonderful year. She is VERY small in person, and wears very high heels and very big hair.

    3. WallisWallyOlly +13

      Thanks for this! i love Into the Woods a lot. And I love Bernadettte Peters A LOT.

  3. summerestherson +134

    “I’m Rich And Mean And Getting Some Iced Tea With A Table Full Of Real Bitches” – life goal, tbh

      1. oneclockworklemon +22

        If you’re not spiking your afternoon sweet tea while you sip it delicately from the porch swing overlooking your Vast Property, you’re not doing it right imo.

        But real talk vodka sweet-tea is my jam this line was clearly made for me.

  4. britomartian +80

    Am I not sensitive,
    Clever,
    Well-mannered,
    Considerate,
    Passionate,
    Charming,
    As kind as I’m handsome
    And heir to a throne?

    3. walrathem +69

      The line “I was raised to be charming, not sincere” has saved me from so much Boy Trouble. Once you start spotting them they’re everywhere.

  5. dreadfulwind +36

    My only experience with Sondheim comes from exactly one quarter of a college opera company’s performance of A Little Night Music half a decade ago, which consisted of about forty minutes of eighteen-year-olds floating wanly about a stage moaning sadly about Failed-Ish Marriage And The Happy Days Of The Past. Anything so direct as these numbers would have been a welcome change.

    1. tragicallyludicrous +10

      I mostly know the Pet Shop Boys’ version of Losing My Mind? Which is pretty great, tbh. One of my favorite Neil Tennant vocal performances.

    2. kalat1979 +14

      I just checked Wikipedia for a listing of his shows, and my experiences with Sondheim are 1) having seen a high school production of Into the Woods and 2) having been in a room where the movie version of West Side Story was playing at some point, I assume.

      I agree that the above numbers would probably make we want to seek out further experiences.

      1. dreadfulwind +35

        An amendment: I sat in the same room as my father several weeks ago while he watched the film adaptation of Into the Woods and murmured “What is this?” quietly at the television for an hour and a half. This particular experience may not have been improved with the above additions, actually.

      2. fromthelandwithlove +8

        Really, all you need to do then is watch Company like 5 times. And then the video of the stage version of Sweeny Todd (not the movie, God no not the movie).

    3. typewriterandgramophone +21

      I saw a very similar one, I think, except it was a summer drama workshop one so it was mostly *fifteen*-year-olds (from families in suburban MA capable of affording the fees) mourning their failed-ish relationships and the empty bubble-ness of life. And it was more like three hours. With a curtain call where everyone got a solo bow. But as I age I start to think that that mindset is pretty bloody adolescent anyhow.

        1. typewriterandgramophone +35

          Sondheim-lovers are welcome to his backbiting pouters and I will be over here with Comden and Green’s breezy New Yorkers, Cole Porter’s glamorous ladies and high-minded crooks, Oscar Hammerstein’s kind, sensible women, Lorenz Hart’s cynics who might try for love one more time, the daffy young couples of early Gershwin or Bolton/Wodehouse and Kern, and Jerry Herman’s fabulously dressed open-hearted dames, all of whom manage, during the show, to find someone or something they care about more than showing off how clever their self-pity can be.

          1. Unreadaethel +15

            I do enjoy both glamorous ladies and high-minded crooks. I especially enjoy the characters who are all of those things at once.

          2. typewriterandgramophone +7

            Have you ever seen “Trouble in Paradise”- non-musical film, but might tickle your fancy.

          3. Unreadaethel +7

            *imdbs*

            Goodness, this movie caters to a large number of my very specific interests.

          4. Mrs_Peel +5

            One of my very favorite films!! It’s glorious.

            (And I have always had A Thing for Herbert Marshall).

          5. typewriterandgramophone +8

            Have you seen “If You Could Only Cook”? Him and Jean Arthur and it’s so *romantic* and lovely and homey and charming.

            I have a misandry-free corner of my heart reserved for Herbert Marshall and Leslie Howard and Basil Rathbone and all those men who became actors in part to recover from the Great War.

          7. Mrs_Peel +4

            Hear, hear!

            I’d also thrown in Warren and Dubin’s street-wise 1930s chorus girls who secretly have hearts of gold. (Frequently played by Joan Blondell).

          8. typewriterandgramophone +4

            Yes! The only time I liked Cagney (instead of just noting his talent while reflecting it just wasn’t my jam) was in “Footlight Parade”, mostly because he fell for Joan Blondell because they were the two sensible people and worked as a team. And those songs were GOOD. Here is a recent orchestral recording of “Dames”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3R_tCO-lpA (My personal ode to those costume dramas with lots of stately older actresses in them.)

          9. queen_bunnie +5

            I’m not sure why you think people who enjoy Sondheim wouldn’t enjoy other musical greats?

          10. typewriterandgramophone +5

            Sharing cars on them on long trips listening to how he’s SO clever and the others are so feeble, mostly. Also reading his book where he throws all other lyricists, including Oscar Hammerstein who was his mentor and friend and father figure who gave him the love his parents didn’t, under the bus.

            ETA: Sorry, that was a bit snippy. I really used to love his work, or at least “Sweeney Todd,” “Into the Woods”, “Follies”, and bits of “Company” and I enjoyed “Assassins” until I didn’t, and then “Finishing the Hat” just really soured me on him. And the older I get the more I need tunes and hope and the possibility of getting out of one’s own head and connecting to someone else. I am glad that he appears to have found love and happiness with another person in his own life, though.

    4. fromthelandwithlove +10

      My theory is that nobody should be allowed to see A Little Night Music or Company in their entirety until they hit the explosion of their first serious relationship. You need to be jaded to do it right.

  6. Sanjay +83

    This is so accurate it is uncanny.

    If you gave Mallory another fifteen minutes of data she could reproduce through inference the entire libretto to Company.

    1. britomartian +17

      Yes! I’m not at all convinced by Mallory’s claim she’s only heard an hour’s worth of Sondheim, this is too spot-on.

        1. fromthelandwithlove +5

          It’s not a song, it’s a line from Company (extra fantastic when said to Neil Patrick Harris as Bobby).

  7. stirringsofconsciousness +93

    YOU ARE WRONG AND NOT RIGHT AND NICOLE IS RIGHT AND SONDHEIM IS BEAUTIFUL AND ART AND SOMETIMES THERE IS AN AMAZING UNEXPECTED RHYME AND IT WILL STUN YOU INTO TRANSCENDENCE.

    *ahem*

    I’ve been in Anyone Can Whistle and I still love him.

    1. evieskye +74

      I had a brief rage moment and then I thought “Is this what the Ayn Rand deleted dudebros feel like?” and now I’m grossed out by my self but Sondheim is my precious

      1. awnutts +29

        This is not what Ayn Rand deleted dudebros feel like. Because I my response was, “Yep, you’re right Mallory, you have missed a lot of what makes Sondheim beautiful.” And then I just returned to my workday.

        Because while I know what makes Sondheim beautiful and brilliant, I do not need everyone to have the same experience. His art has made my life easier to get through in so many ways, which is more than enough for any artist to achieve.

      2. Unreadaethel +13

        See, the dudebros take that brief rage moment, decide to turn it into a character trait, and are absolutely positive that everybody needs to know what they think and agree with it.

  8. ppyajunebug +101

    I’m Rich And Mean And Getting Some Iced Tea With A Table Full Of Real Bitches

    (i am going to spend the rest of the day digging for sondheim gifs aren’t i)

      1. ppyajunebug +5

        I haven’t watched it recently, but I remember it not holding up as well as I’d hoped? At least script-wise- the music is still amazing (obligatory link to the oral history of the movie).

  11. giltay +45

    Maybe I’m just a nerd, but I always liked “Hello, Japan, We Are Five Western Empires Here to Screw You Over”.

    1. Gen +9

      Pacific Overtures has its problems, but “Please Hello” was absolutely not one of them.

    2. overdressedandovereducated +16

      I’m in France right now and the most unexpected consequence of my trip to Monet’s house at Giverny is that I got “Please Hello” stuck in my head! He collected Japanese prints and he had one titled something like “Foreigners From the Five Nations on a Sunday in Yokohama.” I mean, how could I NOT.

      I’m also the kind of intense Sondheim nerd that has made a pilgrimage to the Ile de la Grande Jatte and listened to “Sunday in the Park with George” on my headphones. I still loved this post.

  12. littlehuntingcreek +24

    “Wanting Things Is Terrible”

    true’r words have ne’er been spoken

    1. britomartian +19

      “try the plutocrat, larded with lots o’ fat” ok ok I’ll leave the lyrics to Sondheim

  16. annecara +90

    I Wonder If The Ends Will Justify The Means

    the ends justify the BEANS dammit, get it right

  17. coloredlights +86

    I dunno, Mallory, I’m a bona-fide musical theatre nerd and I’m pretty sure that last line does sum up Sondheim.

    “We Should Be Happy but Aren’t, Isn’t That Interesting”…enough for multiple three-hour musicals, apparently.

  18. VioletandIrises +71

    Young Women Do Have Feelings and Older Women Can Still be Vivacious, Despite What Men Think

    1. houblonchouffe +26

      alternately,

      Older Women Are A Better Bet, Seriously, That Young One Will Hurt You

  19. Mrs_Peel +35

    UNPOPULAR OPINION: Musicals should have either Fred Astaire or Gene Kelly tap-dancing in them and should otherwise not exist.

    1. VioletandIrises +11

      If we could manufacture an unlimited supply of those musicals, I could live with that.

      1. Mrs_Peel +6

        You’re right, there are a few good pre-Code Warner Brothers musicals from the early ’30s.

    4. freshwaterpearl +18

      So, one fun thing about enjoying both memoirs and musicals is how often people announce the art you like shouldn’t be allowed to exist.

  21. naglayaxuliganka +46

    “What’s with All These Chords – What’s with All These Weird Chords” (Joss + Sondheim = something terrible and beautiful and probably everyone will die in the end, but I would still love to see that).

  22. grumblyqueer +86

    I Just Really Hate Sopranos, Also Wouldn’t It Be Fun If An Entire Generation Of Theatre Kids Tortured Themselves Trying To Get All These Tongue-Twisters Right?

    1. Unreadaethel +29

      Ok, I’m convinced that “I Just Really Hate Sopranos” is just “Men Writing Things in Western Musical History.”

  23. Hattingmad +28

    Do You Know What Is Interesting? Death and Dismemberment and Things Ending Badly Because That Is Life Also Here Is A Witty Song That Is Equally Dark

  24. Gen +34

    My favorite has always been The Secret Service Would Like To Know Why You’ve Listened To This 12 Times In The Past 2 Weeks, Please, but I’m a bit of a weirdo.

  25. _bartleby +20

    There’s also this, one of my favorite songs in Merrily We Roll Along: “The Kennedys Are a Metaphor”

  26. thezlot +29

    Marriage Is Just Murder Every Day Until You’re Dead From It is my favorite song from A Little Night Music

  27. StoatCat +17

    My favorite song is I’m A Middle-Aged Woman and Wish To Know If I Can Really Have It All, Especially That Hot Guy’s Attention and Affection

  28. alula_auburn +24

    The Forbidden Broadway parodies of Sondheim are fantastic. Into the Words!
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHyj1ibaJKg

    “Into the words, the metaphors, the synonyms, the perfect scans . . . Into the words, the detail and the tricky little phrases. . .and never repeat a word or bridge, this isn’t Jerry Herman!

    My thoughts are clear (if understood), I have no peer ’cause I’m so good, the score is the star, the stars are just wood, I sort of hate to ask it but what’s a rhyme for basket?”

    And also because I can no longer see Raul Esparza without silently humming “Being Intense” because he always is.

  30. captainbartlet +12

    I don’t want to admit that you’re right, so I’m fuming in a corner while blasting Sunday in the Park With George while also crying and thinking about whether my religion permits me to construct a shrine beneath my autographed picture of Bernadette Peters. I’m leaning yes.

  33. Siddons Packard

    Sharing cars on them on long trips listening to how he's SO clever and the others are so feeble, mostly. Also reading his book where he throws all other lyricists, including Oscar Hammerstein who was his mentor and friend and father figure who gave him the love his parents didn't, under the bus.

    ETA: Sorry, that was a bit snippy. I really used to love his work, or at least "Sweeney Todd," "Into the Woods", "Follies", and bits of "Company" and I enjoyed "Assassins" until I didn't, and then "Finishing the Hat" just really soured me on him. And the older I get the more I need tunes and hope and the possibility of getting out of one's own head and connecting to someone else. I am glad that he appears to have found love and happiness with another person in his own life, though.

  34. tinfoilhattie +3

    Pretty much the first comment in my mind every time I read something of yours is “Goddammit, Mallory!”

  35. Stephanie Klassen

    I’m Rich And Mean And Getting Some Iced Tea With A Table Full Of Real Bitches

    That would be PERFECTLY FINE OVER HERE.