Sondheim As I Understand Him, From A Woman Who Has Seen About One Cumulative Hour Of Sondheim’s Work And Almost Certainly Misunderstood It -The Toast

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Jeremy, The Handsome Gay Man Who Didn’t Want To Get Lunch With Anyone

Oooh It’s Me, Shan’t Jeremy

Everybody Doesn’t Like Being Married Or Having Lunch But We’ll Do It Anyways

Wanting Things Is Terrible

Stop Working At Your Art And Infidelity With Me, Jeremy

Why Doesn’t Anyone Love Me Just Because I’m Always Complaining

Everybody’s Jeremy And That’s Bad

This Infidelity Is Old And Tiresome And Every Day I Have A Salad

I Wonder If The Ends Will Justify The Means

Ooh, Let’s Never Don’t Go To The Circus, Shan’t

Have You Been Careful What You Wished For Lately

Because Maybe Wishes Aren’t Good

Have You Ever Thought About That Hmm Maybe

You Are Not Truly Living, You Life-Observer

The Most Wonderful Thing Is No

Stop Wishing Because Of The Aforementioned How Bad Wanting Things Is

I Only Love The Dangerous Sex Man Even Though It Hurts Me

But Who Shall I Buy Bracelets For Now

Let’s Break Up And Go Inside

Stab Everybody

Oh No, I Got What I Wanted And It’s Just Terrible, Who Could Have Foreseen This Would Happen

Marriage Is Just Murder Every Day Until You’re Dead From It

I Cheated On You Because Of Ennui And You Can’t Blame Me For Free-Floating Feelings Of Purposelessness

Women Love Attention But I Only Love Art

Oh The Surface Looks Good But Guess What’s Underneath It: The Worst Things, But I Bet You Didn’t Notice Because You’re A Real Surface-Looker, You Are

I’m Rich And Mean And Getting Some Iced Tea With A Table Full Of Real Bitches

We Should Be Happy But Aren’t, Isn’t That Interesting

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